#does anyone know what’s happening lmao

[lovesickeros]

☆ love; heretical and divine

{☆} characters tsaritsa {☆} notes cult au, yandere, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings blood {☆} word count 0.8k

To love a God is heretical. It is an act of blasphemy– it is to drag them down from their throne of hollow gold, to topple the pedestal the worshipers uphold on their shoulders like lambs at the herders heel. It is the act of forcing them to their knees and ripping that beating heart of glorious gold and beautiful, cruel divinity from their chest, so pure it burns.

To love a God is to make them sin. To make them painfully, horribly human.

To love a God is to sin.

The love of a worshiper is no love at all, brilliant in its raw purity, untainted by sin. It is fear and obedience masked by adoration so overpowering it corrupts. It makes the lamb so unquestioning in it's faith it will never question the knife that cuts, the teeth that rip, the claws that tear. If the Creator deemed them unworthy of the very life crafted by their hands, then they must have committed a sin so grave there lay no salvation for their horrid soul.

But she is no worshiper– her lips speak of heresy as easily as she breathes, her words nothing but lies, cold and cruel like the ice that crawls along her skin like webs.

She loves a God like a lover should.

A damned sinner reaching longingly for the heavens.

She loves a God in the subtle brush of their lips, their muffled voices behind closed doors as they indulge in curiosity untamed. She is a sinner through and through, but she feels herself fall further with every brush of her hand across their cheeks, every touch she bestows upon them like a lover. She memorizes the imperfections of their body like memorizing a map– every scar, every mark, every line drawn on their body like a canvas, her touch the brush that stains the pristine white.

No devoted lamb shall ever see the painting they create in these stolen moments– it is for the eyes of a heretic so vile it makes them shudder, their body dirtied by the love of a woman so vile even their divinity is obscured by the ice.

The lambs may be satisfied with fleeting glimpses of gold and empty words from lips that guide them to the jaws of the wolves, but she is not. Her hands crave them like a starving hound, aching to touch that imperfect skin hidden by the veil of gold that obscures the painfully human body beneath. She longs to free them from the golden cage that binds them– to see their wings blot out the sky, their divinity tainted by sin and making them all the more beautiful for it.

It is a longing that leaves a festering wound that cannot heal, will not heal. Even if it could, she would not let it.

For as much as she tries, deny it as she may, she is no better then the blind lambs following the herder who holds a blade in their hand, glittering like gold in the sun, stained by dull red.

She is a fool, and what a fool they make of her with the touch of their hands against her skin– so cold it leaves frost on their fingertips. Yet they do not fear the cold, mapping out every inch of her imperfections, carved into her body by her own hands.

She has always been a heretic, cursing the divine until she could speak no more, but if divinity can be found in them – in this love that consumes, that burns her hands and her lips – then she is a Saint, praying at the altar until her throat bled.

But in the end, she has and will always be a cold woman with hands stained with blood. Until it is all she can taste, until it is all she can smell, until it is all she can feel. These hands of hers, heretical and divine, will bleed the God from their veins– she will become the wolf to their lamb until the rivers of Teyvat run gold with their ichor, until the gold bleeds into red, the taste of their divinity on her tongue.

Until she drags a God from their lofty throne and makes of them a monster.

There is no greater triumph to the heretic then to love a God into sin. To make a God sin to love.

To love is to be human, and they are no God.

Even if she must tear the gold from their very being until all that's left is something human. Even if Teyvat crumbles and decays, even if it begins over and over again..

She will do it again and again, until the gold can bleed no longer. Until her sins grow too great for Teyvat to contain.

To love a God is to devour, and be devoured. An endless cycle of sin that dulls the glow of gold into something new– something horrifying and divine, in it's own right. Something just as horrid as her, just as divinely corrupted by the sins she carries on her shoulders like a trophy, as gold as the sun and as cold as ice.

Divinity, carved into something human by love all consuming, until it all bleeds away and they begin their dance anew, for as many cycles as it takes.

An eternity, if she must, of dooming this world of theirs to fire and decay for a glimpse of the being snared by their golden shackles.

#sagau #genshin sagau #self aware genshin #genshin impact sagau #self aware genshin impact #genshin cult au #genshin impact cult au #fic tag #tsaritsa #tsaritsa x reader #rip 2 anyone who expected like. a normal fic lol. lmao. #im very normal abt the tsaritsa and love its so tasty #i left it very up to interpretation what like. actually happens but. yknow. #i just think tsaritsa being the god of love and not knowing how 2 love without being weird abt it is fun #also wanted to dig into the concept of reader being fundamentally changed by being the creator besides gold blood yknow #but the tsaritsa Knows its changed you and she hates it. she hates it but how does one destroy what is divine? #how do you destroy the very thing that has created you in its hands so cruel and kind? #ive really gone off the deep end huh #this is a warning 2 the normal ppl u might as well leave now. lol #lowkey going for her actually straight up eating u but decided that was too weird for my first fic in a while. had 2 tone it down #i also wanted to add a bit of a concept of the constant resets teyvat goes through and how it plays into the themes #the tsaritsa constantly stuck in a cycle of getting rid of your divinity to be with you as you actually are but teyvat “dies” shortly after #bc obvs ur not the creator afterward so it just croaks and then it all resets again and again #but its the tsaritsa we r talking abt do u think that stops her. NO #obvs still up 2 interpretation go wild this was just what i intended #can u tell i have a lot of feelings abt tsaritsa and concepts of love from her pov. haha. I PROMISE IM NORMAL #i am mentally well why do u ask #what warnings do i add here. dont open this fic ive lost it maybe. yeah #covid rewiring my brain or smth idk man

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Chapter 110 is 13 pages long welcome to hell!!! so in a lot of ways this is just more fuel for a theory that I've had for a few weeks now, that's only gotten stronger with each recent season 5 episode, which is that the last episode of the season is gonna end on 110, and that Asagiri/Harukawa and Bones have been collaborating to make this happen, specifically because it's a major turning point that would be the only good place to end the season on.

When we started getting especially long chapters again (like from 25-35ish pages, with the exception of 107.5, the last two being some of the longest we've ever had), at first I just assumed that Asagiri/Harukawa got freed up from some other obligations they'd been having to cause the extremely short/half chapters, like promotional stuff for the anime/Beast movie, or working on light novels. But then 109 happened, with the "supposed" death of Dazai, and heavy emphasis at the end on how literally everyone is at their lowest point right now, and I got to thinking. 11 episodes is a strangely specific number for an anime season -- why not 12, or 13, or even 10, like you'd usually see? Why have we gotten suddenly gotten two 35 page chapters out of nowhere, that's almost unheard of at this point? They're both beautiful chapters, don't get me wrong (as always), and maybe A/H simply just didn't want to cut them in halves because they felt like the full emotional impact wouldn't hit/that there were no good cutoff points in them, but you can't deny that it's surprising, after all the shorter chapters we've been getting. Why has the anime been going at such insanely breakneck pacing for the most part ever since around the Sunday Tragedy chapters, even more so than it has in the past? So much so that it feels dangerously close to overtaking the manga?

Well, maybe, just maybe, it's because..... Asagiri decided a long time ago that whatever happens in 110 is the only point that feels "season finale"-worthy enough, in an arc that still isn't anywhere close to being completely wrapped up, and so both the manga and the anime have been specifically coordinated to reach that part within 2 and a half weeks of each other?

I've seen a lot of people now think season 5 will end with 109, and as much as my sadistic side would find that hilarious, I honestly don't think they'd do that and realistically don't want it to happen; it'd be so cruel to cliffhanger the anime for years like that, and just doesn't feel like a season cliffhanger BSD would do, a series that is ultimately hopeful and uplifting. Seasons 2 and 3 had a positive, conclusive ending; the only reasons seasons 1 and 4 didn't was because they're technically not really full seasons of their own, and are more like the first cour of another "season" that also came out that same year (seasons 1 and 2 both aired in 2016, so they're more like one big season, and seasons 4 and 5 have both aired this year, so they're also more like one big season, again taking into account how episodes 12 and 50 are not satisfying finales like episodes 24, 37, and hypothetically, 61, are). I really can't see season 5 ending with Dazai and Fukuzawa's supposed deaths, Sigma being unconscious and maybe close to death, Atsushi being vulnerable and limbless again, everyone we love still vampires, and the entire world being basically doomed; that's just too depressing and not like BSD at all. However, having said that, if it doesn't end there, there really isn't any good place to end the season before that, either, that feels in any way satisfying or like a finale at all. And so, to me, that only leaves after 109: chapter 110.

I think things are really gonna turn around next chapter. Like I said, everyone is at their lowest point right now, it cannot possibly get any worse, the framing of Dazai, Fukuzawa, and sskk at the end of 109 is telling us that; this is the time for the heroes to finally start winning again, with Aya being so close to pulling out the sword, and for all the thematic reasons other people have talked about to death that I don't need to go into here again. This upcoming chapter being so short again makes a part of me wary of 110 being "the one", so to speak, I won't lie, but at the same time, it's very possible that it needs to be that short because that's all the final episode of the season will be able to reasonably fit in, since it's already gonna be VERY close if they do make it all the way to 109. And at the end of the day, I don't doubt at all that Asagiri and Harukawa can make these the most monumental and game-changing mere 13 pages ever if they wanted to; a chapter does not at all need to be extremely long in order to be an important and impactful one, even if short ones we've gotten in the past haven't felt the most important.

An additional thought I've had, though this is much more crack territory than all this already is, is that since we know from Anime Expo that a Stormbringer movie at some point is highly likely (judging from Asagiri's reaction when someone brought it up), it's possible that chapter 110 and thus the final episode will involve the long-anticipated return of Verlaine and/or Adam, or at least some other major reference to Stormbringer, that would naturally and smoothly lead into a Stormbringer movie to explain things to people who haven't read the novel. It would make a lot of sense, especially since the s4 OP has the Old World sign behind Chuuya, which might be a hint that this has been in the works ever since seasons 4/5 were first in planning with Asagiri. We also know that Dazai and Chuuya's voice actors apparently struggled to record their lines together this season, which probably relates to 101 and possibly 109, but it could be 110 too.... I could be very wrong, as I'm no expert on this kind of thing, but I kinda doubt they would bring Chuuya's actor in for just the vampire growls, and Asagiri placing heavy emphasis on Chuuya's importance this season in that one interview gives me the impression that he's talking about much more than just 101/109. But that's the least solid evidence I have, that's just mostly based on vibes I get.

So basically, I think a lot of factors -- the unusual episode count, how close the anime is to catching up to the manga with three whole episodes left, the seemingly arbitrary recent chapter lengths, and the climactic events of 109 -- can tell us that 110 might be a very, VERY big deal. Again, there's of course no way this arc is anywhere near close to being finished, with so much left to address and resolve, but since it is currently incomplete in the manga, unlike the previously adapted arcs, if the anime was going to adapt it at all, they'd have to find a place that feels satisfying enough to end this season, knowing there won't be more anime for a long time after this, and so I think they specifically planned for that, from both Bones' and A/H's sides. 10 episodes might not have been enough to reach that point, but 12 or 13 might have been too many it wouldn't have been if Bones actually decided to slow down and let the story breathe the way it needs to, but this post isn't meant to criticize the anime, so maybe 11 was just right. And maybe Asagiri and Harukawa specifically pushed to make recent chapters longer than usual, in order to make sure that the manga reached the story content in 110 the monthly release right before season 5 was to end.

Is this just copium? Absolutely. Am I going to look like an absolute clown in two days when this post ages like milk? Probably. But the evidence is There, so let me just enjoy my delusions until Sunday, okay 🥂🫡

#bungou stray dogs #seriously call me a clown and point and laugh at me if I'm proven wrong all you want #but I really feel like there's solid evidence for this #either s5 isn't gonna reach 109 at all (but I seriously cannot fathom where you would want to stop before then) or they'll go beyond it #if they really do end it with 109....... well i'll give Bones kudos for having the balls to do that ig lol #maybe i'm underestimating (overestimating???) them idk #also just to clarify I don't wanna make it sound like I think Asagiri let the anime/Bones dictate the manga's pacing #like I'm sure these were his/their (him and Harukawa's) own decisions first and foremost #not that (if this theory is true) the anime had a major impact on how the chapters were split and that it- #-would have been extremely different otherwise #i'm pretty confident in that Asagiri does not do anything with BSD he isn't comfortable with #and he doesn't let anyone tell him how to write his story #I just feel like he worked with Bones to make this near-simultaneous release happen #BUT if this is the case I don't feel like it had any major effect on the writing/final product that is the manga #like the last handful of chapters have been so incredible #so I at least am still perfectly happy lol #(i mean i'm devastated and a nervous wreck but u know 🫡 in a good way lmao) #anyway 110 in two days please let this theory be true because I need some fucking hope already #please let Oda show up as Dazai's guardian angel to help (see what I did there-) #it would be the perfect way to end the collective season that is 4/5 with s4 beginning with Oda and now ending with Oda #Asagiri are you reading me are you picking up what I'm putting down please please a ghost Oda is long overdue please- #Oda Verlaine Adam just GIVE ME SOMEONE ALREADY 😭😭😭 #MAYBE EVEN A TASTE OF THE FYODOR BACKSTORY TO TIE INTO HIM BEING IN ANIME UNTOLD ORIGINS. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS

[saddest-girl-in-the-whole-world]

Thinking about Naberius Tern hours.

The literal crown prince of Ida, spends his entire childhood going to extremely prestige academies, becomes an excellent Duelist, and then all we see of him in GtN is him getting his ass kicked physically and emotionally.

First Gideon literally kicks his ass to which he goes "BUT I TECHNICALLY WON THE DUEL IM THE BETTER DUELIST", gets told sure but he'd be dead in a real fight, gets constantly put down by Ianthe, tries to defend coronabeth from Ianthe and then gets berated by both Ianthe AND Coronabeth, has one of the twins repeatedly eat his hair and skin in front of others, is being kept unaware of all of Ianthe's schemes up until the final lyctoral study in which, the second Ianthe figures out lyctorhood, she just immediately eats his soul and turns his body into a puppet so he can do her dirty work in death?

I can't even begin to imagine the dynamic the three must have had back on the third, how is this man's ego still alive??? For all we know starting age 12 this has been going on, like imagine being assigned to the twins thinking "at least one of them is nice" only to find out your REAL necromancer is Ianthe and she is currently trying to eat your fingernails?? I'd cry

#AND THEY KEEP CALLING YOU BABS #pov a 10 year old gives you the worst nickname of your life and demands pieces of skin #literally i need to know what the fuck was happening on the third #posts i wrote on painkillers #gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #nona the ninth #the locked tomb #cw ianthe tridentarius #coronabeth tridentarius #naberius tern #does anyone actually look through the naberius tern tag lmao

[zabiume]

if i could, very gently, turn any popular perception in my circles over its head and examine it, it would be the perception that ichigo cares only about protecting his family and friends and not anyone else. i'd say this is true for maybe the first few chapters of the manga, and the evidence people usually give is his quote about how he can't claim to be superman or anything but he'll do as much as he can to protect people, but even then, i think this statement is more of a cop-out on ichigo's part than any indication that he's only dedicated to protecting friends and family. he's afraid of widening the pool because he's afraid he'll fail them. keep the circle small and the task is manageable. rukia rightfully calls him out on the hypocrisy of this very early on, and over the course of the series his aims do evolve to a point where, by TYBW, he's pretty explicit about wanting to save everyone.

i think the reason this comes up a lot is because of how it factors into ichigo's ending in 686. people pro-ichigo's ending cite the importance of family and friends as a reason why it works, but i do think it goes a little too far when people say they're the only people he cares about. especially considering ichigo is notorious for caring about people he met, like, 5 seconds ago (rukia), or caring about them to a point where he hasn't been able to forget the day they met (orihime), or even caring about someone after it turns out that they've been the enemy all along (nel). ichigo feels way too much to be comfortable limiting his goals, even if he did very much start out that way out of fear of failure. however, anti-ichigo ending circles take it too far too, with this notion of unfulfilled heroic ambition. i don't think ichigo wanted to be a hero at all, but being extraordinarily attuned to suffering and grief had been taking a toll on him pre-powers, and having powers was just a way to respond to that. the powers were only a means to an end—the end being that ichigo had to embrace his heart and stop projecting the grief of losing his mother onto the fear of losing everyone else. ichigo at 15 is not the same as ichigo at 18, because ichigo at 18 embraces the fact that he is someone who will help anyone if they come to him or if he himself is a witness to their pain. if ichigo's life is a universe with rings, his friends and family would be in his innermost circle, certainly, but you can bet the most random spirit is on his radar too, even if they're on the farthest, outermost circle.

in light of that, karakura town can best be described as his base of operations, or, specifically, the place where he rests. where he's doing mundane things like reading books or hanging out with his friends. the rest of his universe emerges and expands out from this center. so much of ichigo's soul is split into four, and the part that's human is definitely the one that wants connections and love that will live on well beyond his mortal existence. ichigo will live on though kazui, as any parent lives on through their child, but there's something really poignant about a boy too scared to accept responsibility for strangers growing into a man prepared to raise a child – arguably one of the most daunting responsibilities there is. he cares about everyone, but it's not unreasonable for him to want to sink his roots into the town where his parents met, where he grew up, where he met everyone who would become important to him etc etc

#i'd maybe buy the unfulfilled argument if he randomly kept visiting soul society for no reason but to my knowledge that's only ever happened #in bleach filler. and you all know how much i respect the sanctity of that lmao #we could also argue about the implied heteronormativity of a happy ending = a wife and kids but a) this is the heteronormativity genre #and b) i think it's still believable for ichigo's character to want a family considering his nurturing nature #obviously i ship ih so i like the thought of them growing old together but i think i'd like his ending even if he hadnt ended up w anyone #that man was born to be a father lmao #it all feels reasonable enough mainly bc of how ichigo has always had a LIFE beyond what he does as a hero #so it makes sense to me that there's something waiting for him during peacetime. that heroism isnt all there is for him #ichigo kurosaki

[canongayermo]

criminal that we didn’t get a conclusion scene for guillermo and nandor after all that

#legit the last thing we saw was nandor cheering holding guillermo’s ‘dead body’ #and I know airing time is important and they can’t film everything I feel like that would be important to wrap up #does that mean they’ll address it in the next episode immediately? probably not #episodes don’t usually pick up right where the last one left off unfortunately #like I NEED TO KNOW HOW THE REST OF THEIR NIGHT WENT DOWN #WHAT WAS THEIR CONVERSATION LIKE #HOW LONG DID NANDOR HAVE TO CARRY HIM #DOES GUILLERMO YELL AT HIM? (rightfully so) #WHAT HAPPENS #i haven’t read wwdits fics in a while but I might have to for this lmao #if anyone writes anything please tell me! #wwdits #the night market #nandor the relentless #guillermo de la cruz #nandermo #nandor x guillermo #what we do in the shadows season 4 #what we do in the shadows #wwdits spoilers #mine

[1-7776]

i reaally miss school like i want to take classes on sociology and philosophy bc im realizing i dont know anything and like. i know i could do self directed stuff and i probably will but 1) idk where to start and 2) i much prefer something in a class setting w discussions and lectures. ugh

#does anyone have ideas of what i could do like :( im not going back to school and even if i did id do more compsci or math #i feel like im describing like a book club but i dont know how or where that happens #idk if i end up being autistic enough abt it ill prob end up creating lesson plans or something for myself LMAO

[corvid-language-library]

Just realised I can't use tomorrow to relax because I have to prepare a stupid demo for the staff meeting on Monday 🙃

#ruffled feathers #we have to come up with a game that's 'safe focused and frequent' and doesn't leave anyone waiting for a turn #the TL for my demo is an entire fucking script i kid you not #i'm like. how tf do i make a game of this #it's one thing when you just have to do on Q and one A #but i have an actual dialogue and the age range is 10-12s #so i guess the best thing to do is just some super unoriginal janken ladder game? #everyone knows it so it's not like i'm bringing anything new or interesting to the table #but i have one day off and i've had a 6-day work week at a new school with POs and i have another 6-day week coming up #and i'm still processing a complicated and painful break up with a long-term partner #i barely had time to recover from jetlag before not just launching back into work #but travelling to a new school with Ss i've never met that's so far from yamagata city i had to stay at a hotel #so fuck it. i'm gonna be boring and unoriginal #i'll talk to my boss beforehand bc he's very understanding and i hate disappointing him #just explain that it's not gonna be my best and i know it's not my best for xyz reasons but i promise i'll try harder next time #he'll probably still be disappointed but i'm sure we'll both learn to live with it #besides. no offence to this one colleague of mine but i know he'll quarter-ass some garbage last minute #so whatever happens my boss will probably be less disappointed in what i have to show than what this guy does lmao #i'm such a bitch sometimes but it's true #watch him now put in an effort and come up with something spectacular for a change

[the-furies]

so like are the people behind garten of banban taking the games seriously anymore. genuine question

#pk;m electrochemistry🔴 #I'm not hating on the series btw I'm just FASCINATED with what's going on #the first game we were like. ain't no way this is serious??? this has to be a joke #but like. in a derogatory way. negative way. we did not like it lmao #but now it's just. what game are we on??? 4? i don't know #but like. does anyone know what's up?? is this a joke or ?????? #bc i am fucking Hooked like the series is...... it's not. Good? but it's certainly Intriguing. #i feel like it's a cash grab maybe it always has been i DON'T know. but I'm just. #what the fuck is happening. what's the Lore. both game-wise and behind the scenes. #i am watching this series liek a curious cat gently bapping at it with its paws. does tht make sense

[puppyeared]

weird that the shape of love is two beating hearts glued together and not two hands holding each other

#well technically it comes from the shape of two hearts sewn together but i dont know how that translates to romance.. literally its kinda #disturbing but symbolically i guess it is kind of sweet #my friend and i were talking and she said something about someone saying a lover cant just be a friend you can kiss but i think i disagree #i kind of think the point of a lover IS a friend you can kiss because like it must get exhausting having to convince yourself you can only #feel romantic things towards your lover right? i mean i dont know if my feelings are shaped like anyone else's so maybe its more of a case #by case basis. for me id like someone whose hand i can hold and i can make pancakes for them and maybe kiss but like not strictly romantic #and not strictly platonic. and my feelings are all over the place because one day ill be really into someone i like and another day ill be #really chill about it. so its hard to say what i feel for someone if its always changing #maybe thats why i think lovers should be friends you can kiss because its coming from my way of feeling? hmmm #like i want to be able to say i love you and mean it romantically one day and then say love you in a platonic way the next day and itd be #ok?? does that make sense??? like i know its the same phrase but its like the feeling i put with it is different each time. idk #its why i find dating someone hard because its constantly going up and down and its never balanced. itd probably really confusing unless i #were to date someone whose feelings works the same way. just some food for thought i guess but then again every relationship needs work #im not sure if that fits into the category of work though.. i cant tell myself what im going to feel #it just happens and theres not much i can really do about it except tell that person what im feeling. hnnnnnhhgh #maybe its better if i just stick to watching fictional couples work it out lmao #yapping #txt

[kimmkitsuragi]

if i dont see my friends tomorrow i will literally die

#i know im always so dramatic about this but im so alone it's pathetic....... #like everyone always has other people and im always asking people to pleeeeease pay attention to me like a pathetic dog #i keep asking people 'so are we meeting this week' 😥 like i swear im always asking this #and i just feel so pathetic about this like. heeyyy hiii please meet me someone im so normal hahaha pleaseeee 😥 #and i dont want to blame people because like yeah. life. in general #but also it just keeps happening how we specifically set up a possible time and #then that time comes and TO ME it's supposed to be like the best day ever. literally the only time i can ever feel happiness. ONLY time fr #and then it's just another thursday for them like they promised someone else something. #and then i have to be like okay :') what about next week x day then :') #and then i ALWAYS end up making myself believe that this time it's actually gonna work out!!!! really!!!!!!! #and then it never does!!!!!! for such a long time!!!! #and i know like. whatever. life. it's literally normal i know and im not blaming them i really am not #but im just blaming myself for being so pathetic that the only sliver of happiness in my life is #meeting other people every few weeks if im lucky lmao #like. truly loser behavior #before anyone says i should meet new people maybe. that's true probably #but. :') #that post that goes like 'how it feels to be in a transitional period in your life' lmaoooooooooooo ooooo ooooo you know #anyway. i will probably delete this when i realize how unwell i sound but. well #🗒

[unplanned-parenthood]

cw lots of mentions/discussion of suicide/death, etc (house md has ruined me. shows made to torture ME in particular)

been marinating this since i saw a poll abt it + a fic i read a couple days ago but re: what will house do once wilson is gone. after watching it play off i had like, no doubt the only possibility was for him to off himself...which does sound very awful but. i don't think it really is? not for house anyway.

the only reason he got off the bus was because of wilson (always thinking abt this. it doesn't hurt here. get off the bus house. but he hates me. you have to get off the bus) he has lived so long in pain, it feels more cruel to ask him to live without wilson. and while i get where the people who say wilson would try to talk him out of it are coming from (obviously wilson is wilson and he will always worry, so like, sooner or later he will start thinking about the after) it makes me wonder, what is on itself more selfish: asking him to continue living with pain, except he doesn't have one of the few things that made things easier—or asking him to die for him, like he has done before?

i would like to remain hopeful that maybe if house kept on living he would maybe get a prosthetic and try to continue doing what he loves with a fake id or something. still grieving, but for wilson now, not his leg. but at the same time that sounds like, a little too hopeful, and i don't think wilson has that kind of faith on house, faith that he would be able to go on without being even More Miserable. so maybe in his head he knows it's the right thing to say, to ask him to "continue living", but i don't think he would be able to actually do it, and neither would he straight up ask house to Die (he already did that, and i think twice might be too much for wilson's conscience, this time it would be 100% guaranteed that house would die) because it's selfish. right? and just how fucked up is it to ask someone to die for you (again, because it really wasn't about amber was it, house didn't do it because of amber, he did it for wilson.)

one of the traits you can stamp on wilson's forehead is that he is the opposite of selfish, you look up selfless and there's a picture of him next to the definition, but he also kinda sucks. he's selfish in the most unexpected of ways, so i think he would probably do nothing. not bring up the topic at all. just let time pass. leave it unsaid. because he's not asking house to die for him, but he's also not stopping him from doing so.

i think house would notice, because of course he would notice, it's a conversation he probably expected to have with wilson as soon as they checked in inside their first motel. a whole sermon and everything. but like! it did not happen, and it will never happen.

it's both selfish and selfless, which i think sums up their relationship a little too well. because it's easy to say it's all about house, but it's also about wilson, and how wilson likes feeling needed, likes enabling him. he surely must have noticed years ago how unhealthy being so codependent is but he didn't stop it, because he likes it! because he has fun with house! they don't know how to exist without the other anymore, so, isn't it only logical they die together? asking house to kill himself when he dies seems cruel, since he would technically be doing it because of wilson, but also—isn't it kinder, in a way, to finally let him stay on the bus?

#house md #house + wilson #greg house #james wilson #um. this is embarrassingly long. sorry #but i have really been thinking about it a lot. and maybe it's because i'm suicidal that i don't find house killing himself after #wilson dies to be depressing. because i dont think its supposed to be. i have weird thoughts about death and suicide in general but i do #think its...sweet. in a way. because house technically is dead. he technically already 'killed himself' for wilson. legally speaking #the only reason he got out of that building was bc of wilson. thats pretty obvious. what happens after isnt important! not really! #because he already both threw his life away for wilson and also kept going for wilson. its a constant in the show not exclusive to S8 #so like. while i do wish house could be happy. maybe try Living. i still think its unlikely. but that doesnt mean it has to be depressing #i dont think he would think it to be depressing. not really. i dont think he would do it immediately though i do agree w this fic #i have been reading that he would try to do his awful Last Goodbye Tour lmao. probably talk with thirteen #because although its not euthanasia it does feel an awful lot like it doesnt it. it /is/ like a mercy kill #but yeah if he told anyone it would be thirteen. just to let her know he's not going to be able to keep his promise to her #main tagging ONLY bc. i think this is a good thinkpiece. and i need more ppl to share my insanity with <3 #mine

[beomgyutruther]

.

#snapped at my mom because im stressed about my preboard results and then i apologized and explained that i was rly stressed and accidentally #lashed out and she started saying that im always rude to her and taking my stress out on her ??? and that i never do this to my dad #and then she said i never talk to her about anything even though she's the only one who does everything for me yet i still dont talk to her #and well. maybe if she didnt tell my brother 'if u do this u will end up like ur sister in the future. u dont want to fail in life right ? #then dont do this' (nearly exact words) when she was scolding him . i mean maybe then i would actually want to talk to her #and it sucks because i cant rly talk to anyone irl about this because i still feel scared that they'll like. judge my mom #because i still love her a lot and dont want people to think badly about her #but its getting harder ! to exist here ! and the fact that i am constantly used as an example of what my brother should NOT be #especially when i work this hard partly because i want to be someone my brother can look up to #and to have that come from my own mother . it's really hurtful and makes me feel like nothing i ever do will be enough for her #not to mention the fact that i have come out to her 4 times and she still constantly asks me if it's just a phase #<- i thought that part was getting better but apparently not #but i've stopped expecting anything from anyone in that respect so it doesn't really come as a surprise lmao #anyway rant over i just needed to get that off my chest because i really dont know how long i can keep crying and then forcing my voice #to be normal so that no one asks what happened because wow it is taking a toll on me! who knew #do noooot perceive this

[bahrmp3]

.

#personal #now that the new year's has passed I feel like I can talk about it I did not have a good time lmao it started fine I guess? I was going to #play music for the new year but then mum made a comment about me still on laptop so I shut it bc ok fine let's not #then it was down hill from there? like I ignored it and was like let's not make a thing out of it so we are saying what we liked this year #/ what we want to do and mum goes and for my son I want x y z and didn't mention me so joe asks her and for if she has anything to say for #me? any wishes? but she doesn't lmao later on she goes (if only you would say what you want we do not know anything about you) #she didn't even mean it she said just to hurt like I was taking a video of this and lit off frame my face is dropping #later on she goes (and you didn't even say what you wish for us either) as she leaves and later when I'm talking to my brother #and I protest this he goes (welp what can I even say? like I told you before are pretty selfish) and idk what to say I was surprised I #don't think I'm selfish tho? I legit was the one to cook for us and got cake? I try so much but keep being labeled selfish this is the #second time he tells me that in the last two weeks I think and both are unfounded ngl anyway all of this pales in the last thing #so we call dad to say happy new year! Well joe does and I mean ok I was still pretty upset about what happened an hour ago so ofc I wasn't #cheerful when calling dad lmao but like I was saying all the right things anyway? but Joe kept gesturing at me to smile its a phone call #and after the phone call he has like (why are you always so depressed? if I were you and I finally got a laptop I would be flying from joy #why are you always so down? why can't you just be happy?) and I honestly don't know what to say lmao ok so I wasn't flying from joy with #my laptop but idk how to say it here but then like what's worst? being hurt and not a person recognising that you are hurt? and in fact #asking you why aren't you smiling? or idk being too depressed for others?? what's funnier is mum later on was like (don't let anyone words #change you you shouldn't yield to others) in reference to Joe's speech but like hello mama?? not 2 hrs ago??? #anyway so I asked her if I shouldn't be listening to her words then? and she was saying yes with confidence like does she not #see either how she hurts me? how she keeps hurting me voer and over and over??? #God I should have made that pizza and truly be selfish maybe I wouldnt have been hurt like that #tbd

[unproduciblesmackdown]

winston sees it coming b/c he's been around here for at least 5 sec which is enough &/or half is deliberately baiting everyone as another parting flipoff and he suffers through & is upset by all the measures taken but is then just ready like oh we'll just put it All out there, his shit sure but then also an exposé on any & everyone's bullshit that he's been aware of, which seems to be aplenty, and you know, like has a lawyer ready and shit but like yeah deal with (a) that PR where [also if he can include the exposé on what they've been doing to him / are trying to do to him Right Now] plus all that other bullshit is shockingly going to be what any randos & third parties care about rather than "but...he's sooo annoying :(...but we refuse to fuck him :(...but he could be taller :(..." and then (b) we could have Themes where Everyone has to still deal with even the potential consequence of their own actions that is looking in a mirror for a minute while they try to take down prince (plus another potential shakeup to those efforts in this, besides those of just waiting around on / letting wendy & etc take their shots at it) but instead of that it is more important to billions that we get an episode about how fun it is that wags is so cool

#exhausting to write up whew billions canon sure undeserving of earnest analysis at this rate lmao but like it's really so easy #the ''boundaries'' in what they throw at winston too like that would not happen lmao it's just; as everything in the episode is; #in service of making sure we have so much fun over how cool wags is & not go :/ b/c they're going ooh we saw the am i gay quiz at winston #nobody really has to deal with anything re: what's been done prior to this season & we'll hoist wendy onto our shoulders & etc like ok #but winston does have to pay with his life for having been autistic the whole time. figuratively & apparently literally who even knows #truly do not imagine that That supposed boundary is important to anyone. & it is just if you don't personally kill him w/your bare hands #winston billions #wags didn't even need to be here at all but he's getting priorities over so much b/c he is just so epic

[and-stir-the-stars]

Got the brainworms.

A Nest Torn Empty, the month Mike is away. There are some flavors of trauma that might interestingly suit that scenario. These are just little brainstorms, don't feel like. Compelled to use them lmao

One might fit the idea of being medicalized, poked and prodded. Psych test after psych test, evaluations and therapy as it was in the eighties, possibly by particularly shitty professionals who try to go the therapy version of "bad cop" and INSIST mike is lying just to see if he breaks?

Another might be someone deciding to enact some kind of revenge on Evan's behalf. This could go any number of ways, but I think it would be interesting if someone who has been in Evan's position before decided to try and create some version of "a taste of his own medicine" for Mike, though obviously without the near death bit bc of plotlines etc.

And then there are less obvious things that kind of get left out. Being torn from your family all of the sudden is traumatic. He doesn't know what's going to happen to him, or to his brother and sister. Whether or not he's in another abusive place, the sheer amount of differences could throw him off. All the rules are different, all the people are different. He probably feels very isolated.

(You're giving me ideas for the au where Mike thinks Evan died after they're split up, lmao)

In terms of reactions, I think there might be more of a shutdown than his earlier behavior. If nothing he's doing yields ANY reaction– good or bad– then why bother? I think a lot of it would just lead him to be very tired by the end of it all.

Final aspect that I think would be interesting: as the kids grow up and actually learn to talk about the shitty upbringing they had, I think Mike's month away might fall to the wayside for a while. Nobody else thinks about it; it doesn't come up.

Eventually, though, it does need to be addressed. Maybe it kind of pales in comparison to the bite itself, but the experience still hurt.

(Or disregard all of this! Just brainstorming dhfjdkdksk)

okay first off I think it's so funny that I have to outsource all my "how would Mike react to xyz trauma" stuff to you,, like how dare you know him so well and have so many tantalizing Mike thoughts /honorary /pos

i think my initial idea was more along the lines of like,, Mike keeps insisting that he didn't mean to hurt Evan, but the more the psychiatrists poke and prod and question him, the less certain Mike is.

All of Mike’s claims that "I didn't know that would happen" and "i didn't mean for him to get hurt" and "i didn't want to kill him" are met with stuff like. "So there's no history of you hurting him?" "So Evan hasn't been put in danger by your actions before?" "So this behavior is a recent thing that came out of nowhere?" And just like. General questions that, whether asked out malice or from people genuinely trying to understand if Mike is a danger to himself or others, only serve to highlight in Mike’s mind that maybe he is inherently evil, because every time he swears that he didn't mean it, he's just met with a reminder of all the times he has in fact hurt Evan and others before and with the reminder that he could do it again at any time.

The idea that there are certain "professionals" there who just insist that Mike is lying about not meaning for the Bite in an effort to get him to cave and break???? Oooooh boy. Angsty, I love it. Maybe as time passes and Mike gets more and more frustrated, his "medical treatment" and "psychiatric professionals" just get worse and worse as a result of his lashing out. It starts out with the psychiatrists just trying to be thorough and get a detailed understanding of what happened, and the mere nature of their questioning frays Mike as he interprets their questions as them not believing him. He tells himself that he's crazy for feeling so attacked by them when they're professionals trained to help people, but like. It doesn't make the problem go away. Mike starts lashing out as he feels like they don't believe him. And his lashing out is ofc seen as signs of hostility, leading to worse and worse "treatment" (in both sense of the term), and leading to him being placed with awful "professionals" who blatantly tell him to his face now that he's lying about not meaning to hurt Evan to get Mike to break.

And the whole experience just, like, shreds every sense of faith Mike had in his own judgment. He doesn't know what to do or think anymore, and it doesn't matter anyway, because no matter WHAT he does or thinks it has the same result of people just. Making him feel cruel and evil, like he'll inevitably hurt someone, like he's a monster and has always been a monster and is trying to manipulate everyone here in the psych facility and everyone he's ever known into thinking he's NOT a monster for his own personal gain.

Worst thing is that in Mike’s eyes, these are strangers who don't even know him or know anything about him, and yet they don't NEED to know him to know that he's evil. Mike coming to the conclusion that theres something so fundamentally broken about him that people can PHYSICALLY SEE IT, he reeks of it, it's the first thing people see when they look at him, the ONLY thing people see. People don't even need to know him to see straight into the evil in his heart. Which is only furthered when he goes back home and all these classmates he never talked to before are calling him a murderer, not to mention Liz's ambivalent reaction to seeing him again.

#Like low key there's an ask sitting in my inbox abt how saffron mike would react to smth #And I've just been staring at it like. No idea my guy. I am not the mike expert here. Lmao #Now I'm thinking about mike begging and praying for william to come get him out of this facility #And will not doing so feeds into Mike’s reluctance to trust will later on #And feeds into mikes frustration that will has been so absent #ie the scene where mike freaks out in ch1 of bcoh and he's like. FATHER should be #The one giving ev his meds so he doesn't try ripping his own head off from the pain so WHERE IS HE?? #Like Will just. Consistently does this #Also mike not knowing what's gonna happen to him or liz or evan... #Do the psychiatrists even tell mike whether or not ev is still alive? #Does mike assume that liz is in a psych facility herself? She didn't cause the bite but SHE has been hurting ev too #Does mike wonder if he's ever getting out of here #And then no one in the fam talking about mike's month away!!! #Ur giving me thoughts for a one shot that takes place several years after the bite #With evan begging mike to stop pushing him away #And mike is just. So traumatized not just from going thru this but from no one talking or caring abt it #(On top of his normal trauma abt not wanting to burden/hurt anyone w his issues and not feeling they're important #And and and plus all the time mike spent trying to reach out to ev after the bite only for ev to be so traumatized that he kept #Rejecting mike) that he can't stop holding people at arms length. #A nest torn empty #my brother my wound #tw medical malpractice #Tw child abuse