god, do you love me?
(POEM WITH HUGE TW, READ NOTES)
i don't know how god thinks
but does he love me?
i don't know how god thinks,
but god,
do you love me?
do you love me?
i ask again and again,
do you love me?
echoing the words of jesus christ,
holy and perfect
falling from my sinful lips.
and i understand
how hard it must be
but answer
please.
god, do you love me?
i don't know how god thinks
and i don't know how you think.
but do you love me?
and there's so much i need to do.
there's so much I'm missing.
there's so much stuff.
but i need to know,
do you love me?
and im hiding in your closet
but i swear i'm not a faggot
i just need to know
you can't give me what i want
a certain satisfaction,
an answer.
do you love me?
god, can you love me?
just lynch me,
beat me,
break me,
i'm a freak,
an accident,
a horrible mistake.
god, can you love me?
god, do you love me?
i say bad things
and do things that are
even worse.
i think bad things,
and i can't control myself,
the spirit is willing,
my flesh is weak,
just pierce my hands,
i'm just a freak.
make me more like you,
turn me into christ,
make you love me,
god do you love me?
my dad is a christian
my mom is a christian
i don't know what
im supposed to be.
because i'm hiding in closets
and wishing away bodies,
thinking bad things,
saying worse.
and god,
does he love me?
infinite mercy,
but is it infinite,
there has to be an end,
or some kind of catch.
people like me don't
deserve
to see heaven.
so i ask,
in the words of jesus christ
my god, why have you abandoned me?
do you even love me?
i don't know how god thinks,
but how could he love me?
i don't know how god thinks
but i see the way you act
and that's enough.
you can't love me,
not for who i am,
just for who i pretend to be.
is that what god wants?
should i hide?
should i change?
i bet you'd kill me.
haven't slept for days,
haven't eaten anything.
it's all in my head,
there's nothing i can do.
people can dream,
think things,
say things,
do things.
but i'm such a freak,
i'm just a freak,
an erasable mistake.
does god make mistakes?
and i don't know how god thinks,
but this is sacrilegious,
am i sacrilegious?
i don't know how god thinks,
i sure hope he loves me.
i don't know how you think,
but god, i hope you love me.
echoing the words of jesus christ,
following in his footsteps,
hating every moment of it,
hating myself.
string me up on a tree,
stab my hands,
break my teeth.
give me a crown
call me your queen,
rip open my side,
put holes in my feet.
make me just like christ,
so that maybe i can understand,
if god really loves me
if you really love me.
my spirit might be willing,
but my flesh is weak,
why have you abandoned me,
left me here to rot,
when i said beat me,
i never meant leave me,
when i said kill me,
don't let me die alone.
let me be the skeleton in your closet,
but i'm not a fag,
i just hate myself,
just hate my body,
just hate me.
when i said pull my hair,
when i said string me up,
when i said hurt me,
break me,
kill me,
i didn't mean leave me.
god, don't leave me.
and i don't know how god thinks,
but i need him to love me,
i don't know how you think
i need you to love me.
but i'll bleed just for you,
i'll whisper the gospel as you try to sleep,
i'll stab my side and crown myself,
i'll hide in your closet,
and insist i'm not a faggot,
i'll smile for my mom
smile for your dad
cut my hands,
bleed on your bedsheets,
call you my queen.
i'll get on my knees,
plush carpet
and church floors
under me.
and i hate myself,
but i don't know how you think,
and i don't know how god thinks,
and i need to know
god, do you love me?
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