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bluejaybug · 3 years

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alright y'all. today's the day. after a lot of debating with myself because i feel like I'm a shit writer, I'mma share an excerpt of my fic with you guys! I'm also actually kind of excited :)

kelly has sad blue eyes and hands constantly on her baby bump. the truck is not like the impala is for dean. the truck is an oncoming storm, the smell of death. the truck is the foreshadowing of something terrible and glorious all at once.

kelly says, “this isn’t a life. i want things, castiel, i want so many things and --” her voice hitches on a sob. “and i’ll never get them. i’ll never see his first steps. i’ll never hear his first word, or his first laugh.”

castiel thinks that it is utterly human of her to grieve like this -- a mother losing a life with her child. she does not fear for herself, what the angels or demons will do if they find her. her heart only breaks for the fact that she will never make her son breakfast in the morning, or take him to play on swings in the park.

and castiel was made wrong. he came out with a crack in his chassis. he never stopped growing empty space, like a garden. he didn’t need to be himself, after the morningstar’s fall. he needed to be what was needed from him.

when he saw dean, the world broke. sometimes he wishes that the leviathan had swallowed him whole, that he never came back after raphael killed him, after lucifer killed him, never came back from purgatory, only if it meant he’d stop wanting dean like icarus wanted apollo.

he is not himself. he is what is needed of him.

the one thing kelly needs, castiel cannot give her, and that is what makes him worthless. he could never be what dean needed, could never give him what he needed, and he can’t fail kelly, too. that, surely, would be the death of him.

castiel tells her, “i’m sorry.” apologies like this, again, are such a human thing. i’m sorry you have to go through this. i’m sorry you’re suffering. i’m sorry you will never see the baby bluejay fly from his nest in the spring. i’m sorry you will never hear the sound of your child’s laughter, the sound of his cries.

“don’t apologize, it’s not your fault,” kelly says. she wipes her tears with a bitter smile. “but you’ll keep him safe, right? give him a life?”

“i’ll do anything,” castiel tells her, “to ensure that your child knows joy as intimately as you know love.”

kelly sobs, and sobs, and sobs.

castiel has four missed calls from sam and sixty-three messages from dean, all bitter insults and i’m not trying to be a dick but and you know what, for all i care you can --

castiel tries not to read dean’s messages.

sam’s voice mails are filled with concern. the first one: cas, listen, please, man. just tell us where you are, we’ll figure it out together, we’re worried about you. the second: cas, you don’t understand, that kid’s powers are dangerous. please come back. you could get hurt out there. third: cas, i miss you, man. just call back. let me know you’re safe. dean’s pissed right now, but he’ll come around. fourth: it’s been a month, so i’m guessing you’re either dead or . . . anyways, dean’s dead-set on hunting you guys down and making sure that kid is born without his mojo. i’m sorry. tried to hold him off but --

and the line goes dead.

hunting you guys down --

like castiel is the monster-of-the-week. he can even imagine dean’s cold face and sarcastic remarks and he charges with an angel blade -- a blade from his dead siblings -- and he can imagine dean not stopping until castiel is dead. he’d go out for beer, with sam, on a hunt completed.

“you said they’re your friends,” kelly tells him. she gnaws on her lower lip. “they wouldn’t hurt us, right?”

dean’s hands, breaking his bones, dean punching him in the green room, slamming him against the wall, holy fire and blades and just kill him now!

castiel doesn’t answer her. he can’t bear to, but he’s so so tired of lying.

kelly doesn’t cry, but her expression is grief and fear and resignation.

castiel, not for the first time, loathes himself.

he should have seen this coming.

the angel -- emeriel, who snuck down to joshua’s garden with him and blew dandelions into the wind and taught him the color of laughter -- looks down at him, his vessel so much taller and broader, but castiel sees. the colors in eremiel’s eyes turn gray with desperation, please brother please -- and it’s been so long since an angel’s referred to him as such. it makes him ache.

“please,” eremiel says. castiel shields kelly behind him, because while she’s a formidable force, castiel cannot risk anything. “please, brother. castiel. bring her to heaven. the nephilim can’t be born. he would bring about the end, surely.”

“we’ve faced the end, before,” castiel says. he pretends he cannot see the way eremiel’s holding his blade, prepared to kill if necessary, because orders are orders. “how many more innocents have to die because of our intolerance? look, brother, please. you may see what i see.”

“and what do you see, castiel?”

“paradise.” the word has too much meaning behind it. he, castiel thinks, was made to ache and hurt and splinter. like cracking ice. like crushed petals. “the nephilim is good. see reason.”

eremiel shifts his feet into an offensive stance. within seconds, there’s a vessel on the ground and the burnt scorch of once-beautiful wings seared into the pavement.

castiel does not cry. he has killed so many, too many. he’s disgusting. there’s red red blood on his blade, on his coat, on his hands, in his ears.

kelly holds him, whispers thank you. it sounds like an apology.

(that night, while kelly sleeps in a warm bed in a run-down motel room, castiel sits on the roof of the truck and prays for the first time in years. god does not care. his father does not care. castiel has faith but no one to put faith in.

he is not surprised when an answer does not come.)

there you go! an actual excerpt!

#my writing #my fic #spn fic #it definitely needs editing this is just the first draft

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nestasgalpal · 3 years

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I am simply begging you to give us more moments where Emerie just insults Feyre

I actually got some ideas and if anyone whants to use them for a fic, I’m okay with that, just tag me so I can read it hehe

My headcanon after meeting Emerie in such a short scene and based on Cassian describing her as “Illyrian Nesta”, is that the Inner Circle’s perception of her is that “she is just like Nesta” Except that she is not. Nesta never starts things, she simply responds harshly to them. But Emerie does. So here we go:

Both Nesta and Emerie referring to Rhysand as “my/your sister’s husband” every single time and never aknowledging him ass High Lord, only as Nesta’s brother in law. But at the same time, Emerie referring to Feyre exclusively as “High Lady” because whenever Feyre goes to Illyria, that’s what she does, use her title and status to make herself important and keep Illyrians in line, therefore when they officially meet, Emerie is already fed up with that. When Feyre gets what her sister’s friend is doing and gets tired of it, she offers with fake politeness “you can just call me Feyre” and Emerie goes “no, but thank you anyways”.

Emerie is going to Velaris for the first time ever, so Feyre obviously gives her a tour that ends in her new manor. “And this is where we live the majority of the time, and where you are going to be staying” Emerie nods “Yes, Nesta told me about you switching houses depending on how many guests you have”. Feyre is taken with her guard down because Emerie has been in silence the whole time and she asumed the illyrian was admiring her house, not judging. “It’s actually a little more complex than that. We live here now, the Townhouse is still for family gatherings too, and we use the Hous of Wind for more formal visitors, those who are not actually family but still welcome into the city”. And Emerie turns to Nesta, who is unbothered and almost bored after the tour “That’s where you lived after the Cauldron thing, right?”. And Nesta just says “Naturally” in the driest way possible, making Emerie smile a little.

They are all having breakfast together and either there is an awkward silence in the room, or the Inner Circle members are talking to eack other and ignoring Nesta and Emerie. So Elain, who has realized her sister will move on from her and never come back from Illyria if she doesn’t show she wants her back, decides to start a conversation with Emerie. “I’ve only been to Windhaven once, but the view of the mountains was a delight. Illyria seems to have a wonderful landscape. Is it as beautiful from the air?”. And Emerie is like “I wouldn’t know”. And if it was already uncomfortable in the room, it gets worse, because nobody has told Elain about Illyrian women. Nobody has explained anything to her. “Have you never flown above the mountains?” And Emerie gets what has happened to her friend’s sister, but Rhysand is right there, and she got her wings clipped under his rule, so she just says “With what working pair of wings? Your sister’s?”

This one is not actually Emerie dragging Feyre, but there is this one time Feyre straight up asks Nesta if they are sleeping together, because they share the one bed Emerie has in her house above her shop. They do it so Nesta doesn’t have to live with Cassian or in a tent, but they are so close, Feyre and Rhysand want to know, and of course Feyre asks. Nesta doesn’t take her eyes from the book she is reading and says “I don’t have sex with my illyrian friend, if that’s what you are asking. I think you are mistaking me for someone else”.

Now for my Emeriel shippers out there: Azriel gets all shady because Emerie is insulting his family and tells her “you’ve made a mistake” and his shadows show all around, but with that resting bitch face that makes the IC think Nesta and Emerie are the same even if they are not, Emerie goes “I’ve made huge mistakes in my life, but at least I haven’t named my sword after my childhood crush”. I don’t know if this has been discussed but Azriel named his sword Truth Teller and Mor’s gift is truth but ANYWAYS, she keeps going “What are you gonna do if you ever meet someone else or even find your mate? Throw it in a lake?” -dramatic pause because she has the best comedic timing ever- “The sword, I mean.”

And finaly, the one time Rhysand called himself Death Incarnate in front of them while trying to sound intimidating. But intimidating Emerie and Nesa with words is almost impossible.

She looks at Nesta like they are in The Office and she is her camera, and Nesta looks back at her like “yep, told you”. Emerie pinches the bridge of her nose in silence like “Tht’s just so lame, sorry but I can’t-”

And of course Rhysand is quick to respond “Excuse me?” with his High Lord tone, but for Emerie he is not a High Lord, he is Nesta’s sister’s husband “You can’t just give that kind of name to yourself”.

So obviously Feyre comes in because they are disrespecting hEr MaTe “Actually, I gave it to him”. And Emerie has no chill “Now, that’s worse. You see how that’s worse, right?”.

NESTA comes in “My ex-fiance tried honey once”. Because they have worked through Nesta’s trauma together and she is okay mentioning him to the IC who didn’t know Nesta had been engaged in the first place and don’t know where to put their atention anymore. Elain is amused because she thinks fae giving names so extra to every single thing is too corny. “My ex-fiance actually called me nana”.

Emerie likes where the conversation is going, because she is a little more extroverted than Nesta, and she doesn’t mind being in the spotlight for a little longer if that gives her the chance of keep dragging someone. “That’s a bad one” She tells Elain “Kind of embarrassing, but hey” she shrugs “at least looking at you didn’t remind him of life ending. So... good enough”.

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