#enough that I think I'm on my way to writing a goddang book about it

[see-arcane]

So, What the Hell is Jonathan Harker?

I’m asking honestly. Because by the end of Dracula the answer sure isn’t, ‘human.’ Nor do I think he’s a vampire. But he is something.

SPOILERS BELOW FOR THE END OF DRACULA, LOOK AWAY, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

The whole ‘revenge makes you a monster!’ thing is only barely in play, if at all, when it comes to his part of the hunt for the Count. Van Helsing even admits he’s owed the chance at delivering the killing blow. Which he does, alongside Quincey. He gets to chop off Vlad’s head!

In one blow! With a Kukri knife! Not an axe! Not a saw blade! Just the little brother to a sword!

Which is after lifting an entire coffin, weighted by the Count and several pounds of earth, off the wagon! With his bare hands!

Which is after bulldozing through the Count’s guards, taking no damage, while Quincey Morris, the established Man’s Man and hunter/fighter takes the fatal wound!

Which is after days upon days of whetting his blade, all rictus grins and plotting, now unexplainably ‘ice-cold’ in manner and body!

Which is after having his hair turn solid white—a pallor that apparently matches his eyes, according to Seward—upon learning of Mina’s attack, deciding to join her in undeath if she cannot be cured, and proceeding to nearly fillet the Count like a fish with the Kukri!

Which is after finding sudden relief from realizing, good news, he’s not insane, but monsters from the pit of Hell are real and were, in fact, trying to exsanguinate and turn him into a bloodsucking demon for eternity! What a relief!

Which is l o o o n g after he scaled a castle wall and a vertical cliff face by his hands and bare feet, plus a nice stint of running through the Transylvanian wilderness of wolves and Brides to reach a train!

Which is all after he somehow landed the first and only lasting wound to Dracula, by way of the shovel blade scar to his forehead! A fact that is never once explained by anything in the book, despite the fact that unless that was a mystical Sacred Shovel, Jonathan managed to do the only permanent injury to Dracula without any holy assistance!

I know, I know, Mina chalks up chucking the coffin and the head-choppery as ‘a miracle.’ But our boy has showing distinctly Not Fucking Normal signs for far, far longer than the climax. 

What are they signs of? Do they ever stop to wonder after all the vampire hype is over? Because I don’t see all of these changes in physicality and mentality suddenly going poof once the Count’s gone.

By the book’s end, Jonathan Harker, not a vampire, but definitely Something Else, is just chilling as-is. Imagine going to his office for some lawyerly help, and you see this white-haired, thousand-yard staring gentleman with a bloodstained Kukri sheathed over his business attire, smiling apologetically as he gently sets down the wall-sized bookcase he was hoisting up to retrieve a lost pen, terribly sorry, give him just a moment and he’ll be right with you! :)

Like,

It is just never brought up by anybody but Seward throughout the book—not even Van Helsing mentions it! I assume it’s because they had so much going on already, but in the Epilogue phase it has to be raising so many questions that I think everyone has an unspoken agreement to just Not Point It Out Because It Is Not a Problem, It’s Fine, He’s Fine, The End

Seward, making attempt #214 to broach the topic: Professor, I’m not saying it’s…unhealthy, but Harker clearly went through some kind of metamorphosis during that time, and he’s yet to change back—

Van Helsing, halfway through his brandy: He had no ill reaction to the Cross or the Wafer. It is fine. God’s will and all that.

Seward, watching Jonathan smile a would-be mugger into submission before he can get in ten yards’ reach of Mina and Little Quincey, never blinking, while half the street’s pedestrians give the Harkers such a wide berth they’re running into the cab horses: …Sir—

Van Helsing, around his flask: It’s fine.

In short, does anybody have theories about what Mr. Harker’s whole deal is? Because our guy is neither human nor bloodsucker and Bramothy Stoker kind of just left the monster makeover implications hanging.

#in which I am deep in My Thoughts and Theories about Mr. Harker #I do actually have a solid idea of what he is/was becoming #enough that I think I'm on my way to writing a goddang book about it #but if anyone else has ideas beyond 'diet vampire' I genuinely want to know #anyway #spoilers #dracula spoilers #dracula #dracula daily #jonathan harker

[junebugwriter]

Impostor I

I've got the impostor syndrome bad tonight.

I wrote about it some on twitter, but I'll talk about it here some too. This space tends to be a bit easier for me to get complex thoughts out anyways, because longer form works better for my brain sometimes.

I have a lot of moments feeling like an impostor when it comes to being trans. I used to feel like I was an impostor just for being an academic, but writing a dissertation flipped a switch in my brain I think, saying "ah, yes, I am actually writing a book now as a scholar, I have Made It." But now, my insecurity is seizing upon being trans.

I don't feel like I'm "trans enough." And I know it's not exactly breaking new ground. Society tells me I'm a guy. My upbringing tells me I'm a guy. My body looks like a guy's body. I'm hairy, large, and overall have masculine features. But there's a lot of my body that's not masculine at all.

Take, for instance, breasts. I have them! I've had them since I was a little kid, because I've always been a bit fat. I've actually been quite sensitive about the fact I had them, because I was operating with the understanding that I Am Male and Male Manly Men do not have Breasts, they have Pecs. So I'd try to flatten them, I'd work out a lot, but nothing ever got rid of them, so I came to somewhat accept them. I even kind of got to like them, their feel, etc. It wasn't """manly""", but who cares about that, I have them, and I had to deal with that.

Also, my hips! I've got sort of a womanish waist. And I like my waist! It suits me, and that's great. Not """manly""", but it's cool, it's BONE STRUCTURE, what am I going to do about that? So I grew to accept it, and now I kind of like it!

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say I might maybe produce more estrogen in my body than a """normal""" male body, but I won't know until my doc screens me for HRT. I'll put a pin in that, but it's something I think about!

But more than anything, in my brain, I *feel* like a I should be a woman. I identify more with women than with men, in general. I like playing female characters in games, and enjoy movies with more well-rounded and developed female characters. When it comes to attributes and behavioral trends, my behavior makes a lot more sense if I was a woman. I'm more sensitive, more empathetic in general, more submissive and accommodating. And yes, I do realize these are BROAD STEREOTYPES and are anything but scientific, or accurate. Yet I can't shake the feeling... I was meant to be a woman.

I feel that way. It's my brain. It's my heart. And I can't shake it.

But I still look and present as a man in my day-to-day. I'm not out at work. I hope, once I go on HRT and begin changing more of my appearance, the outside of my body will begin to match my insides. But I still struggle with feeling trans ENOUGH.

I just went on a whole ass description of how my brain thinks! And I still! Can't! Shake! The feeling i'm faking it!

What does a bitch have to do to feel like they are deserving of being trans?? Why can't I feel valid in my identity!? All I do is question, and self-analyze, and wonder, and postulate. (I'm a goddang theologian, it's what I do best.) But on and on, I keep circling. Yes. I am a woman. I am trans.

BUT AM I??

aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA

It's so frustrating. It's illogical. I want to Spock my way to certainty in my gender identity. I want a math equation to settle the questions in my brain, the feelings of my heart. But life isn't like that. I've got to Kirk it out, and act with what's not only logical, but emotionally true as well.

I just... wish I could feel validation without agonizing all the time.

#transgender #lgbtqia+ #blog #lgbtq #pride #identity #impostor syndrome #mental health #validation #validity #valid