#every illness that has ever existed

[craby-bouquet]

I posted quite a lot last week and i promise i still am writing! Last week i had a bunch of days off and this week my full time college has started once again!! I'm studying to be a teacher so ive also been sick this whole week which is also fun...

I absolutely am writing though! I'm very m,uch back into it! So continue sending requests for warm winters

#these kids are gonne kill me one day istg #the cough on me and then my whole face is wet yk #i like 6 year olds bu they. are. gross. #anyway love being a teacher #im just collecting every single sickness in the world #every illness that has ever existed #anyway school is a lot and very stressful #talking to the moon

[mwagneto]

the fact that almost every character in ofmd is specifically a gay man is seriously so fucking special like usually a show will have 1 character from a minority group and then that character has to be every single thing - a person the straight/homophobic audience can accept and even like, someone that deals with their issues the way they "should" be dealt with, someone who's not too much of anything but simultaneously everything because every expected trait has to be displayed at some point or another.... versus this show with its massive cast of characters who are all able to embody specific (and extremely varying) ways to be a gay man where all of their journeys and personalities and approaches to their sexualities are so unique to them but so true to people that exist in real life........ i wish i could express this better coz it's such an incredible thing to see it genuinely makes my chest hurt with how much it means to me

#I'm literally forever thinking about that interview lauren faust gave abt how cartoons will #usually only have 1 girl and then that 1 girl has to be every single thing #like she has to be smart and kind and athletic and loud and pretty and cool and funny and every other trait ever #so when she got to make MLP she finally got a chance to have an all girl main cast and that #gave her the chance to make them really feel like unique people because they finally #had the space to just exist as girls without having to be The Girl. so they could have like. specific personalities #LIKE IT'S LITERALLY THAT BUT W GAY MEN IT MAKES ME SO ILL...... IM GATHERING ALL OF THEM IN MY ARMSSS #i really really wish i could explain this better #like omg when izzy is telling lucius how to deal w his issues they're both gay. when ed is reminiscing w fang they're both gay. #literally clawing at the walls they all mean so much to meeeeeeeee #ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd s2 #ofmd season 2 #ofmd spoilers #ofmd meta #i guess ???????? #also YES i know there's characters that arent gay men but that's kinda part of my point too #like even in media where there's more than 1 token lgbt person they're always #different identities coz the writer needs 2 different things to explore #instead of exploring how 2 people with the same identity might differ in a thousand little ways #and they also always lose that sense of belonging together that's so essential here #like ohhhmy gof oh mygod they're literally all gay in some way. massive found family of gay ppl.... #it's just that i think this show is mostly abt exploring themes of masculinity and mlm so most of the cast being gay men makes cents

[wild-at-mind]

Had a really stupid conversation via minor emotional breakdown with a queer friend about what makes an LGBTQ person 'assimilist'. From what she said I'm kind of forced to draw the conclusion 'if you say you're not assimilist, then you're not'.

#i love her but none of it makes any sense to me #i think i really just wanted her to see that this kind of rhetoric is no good if you're fundamentally unable to see yourself as having valu #to a community- which is where i'm still at sometimes unfortunately. #i would say that i may not be the only one since mental illness + self esteem issues + being lgbtq are not exactly unlinked #but i have basically never found anyone else who has my particular hangups...maybe online once ages ago #so in my own mind i'm the most assimilist lgbtq who ever existed- not even worthy to call myself queer #and it's nice that she thinks i am not like that and in fact am 'one of the good ones' #who is not assimilist- look i know that 'one of the good ones' usually means the opposite ok i know! it's just an impression i get #she's like telling me obviously i'm all good because i look like i do but all i can hear is #that if i didn't look like this then i'm an assimilist #i fucking hate my brain honestly no one asked me to have a mental breakdown at their house (thank god i didn't cry) #and then go home and that's when i cry because i saw a trans guy's 'this many years on t' post and i felt like shit because #i haven't done anything about transitioning in ages and i'm not even out at work :'( #like i know i'm an assimilist because my main reason for not coming out at work is not wanting to do the beaurocracy #of changing my name on my email and every fucking log in i have on everything- telling every single person i interact with #i just can't it's too much and my line manager is worse than useless #but i have 'my job is computer and doing emails all day' privilege so i don't like to talk to people about it

[sonknuxadow]

What do you think Silver's original future in the post-06 timeline is like? In Rivals, what its like is never stated, and his motive is just to stop Eggman Nega and bring him back to the time period he belongs in. Some things like the cookbook mentioning him defaulting to survivalist thoughts and him being significantly more aggressive than he is in 06 could point towards it being another apocalyptic one, but there's nothing concrete about it

ive never played or watched sonic rivals or sonic rivals 2 (been meaning to for forever just never got around to it) so i could be missing some important details here but ive always assumed that its similar to what it was before? i never really thought about it too much i guess

#though obviously it wouldnt be exactly the same #since in the current timeline mephiles and iblis dont exist anymore and blaze is from the sol dimension not the future #but i also cant separate silver from the idea of being from a place thats on fire all the time even if iblis isnt there #like every time i think of silvers future its just a burning wasteland you know #asks #if i ever do get around to checking out the sonic rivals games ill probably just watch a cutscene compilation #because. i dont have a psp. and im too nervous to try emulating it #who even has a psp i dont think ive met a single person who has a psp

[wickershells]

One of the attitudes that frustrates me most about the mainstream response to art these days is the general insistence that it must impart some grand moral lesson or enlighten you to something you did not already know. Art can and very often does exist merely as a reflection or portrayal or expression of something otherwise unseen. You write a poem about grief not to illustrate how to cope with it but to write about grief. To embody the disembodied and make it solid, tangible, palpable

#and even this is somewhat limiting to what art can achieve and why we are appealed to art in the first place #nothing is ever extensive or accurate when it comes to human experience and inclination. we are ultimately fickle beings #this is why I hate the ‘too much sex onscreen’ arguments. sex does not have to justify itself existing in art because art is made by humans #and sex is human. also a lot of arguments against perceived ‘torture/trauma porn’ as if suffering is not also acutely human #no you do not need to watch salò to understand why/that fascism is bad. but then what is the point of engaging with anything at all #and not every mentally ill or traumatised character has to survive their struggle. suicide is human therefore deserving of #artistic elucidation just like everything else in the world. peace and love on planet earth. sensitivity can exist without censorship #mine

[eriexplosion]

Today I physically stopped myself from engaging negatively with a post talking shit about Anakin and I think I deserve a little treat for that. I will just stay in my corner loving my very damaged boy.

#eri talks #Anyway i just don't think you can talk about his issues with possessiveness and obsessive attachment without acknowledging why he has them #its the Trauma and the Mental Illness and the total separation from the one person he ever had at the age of nine #one of my many issues with Star Wars is that it implicitly casts the existence of parent/child relationships in a negative light #this child/literal toddler is TOO ATTACHED TO THEIR PARENT aka 'has parents' remains an insane thing to present as a path to the dark side #Anakin went from a decently adjusted nine year old to 270 symptoms in a Jedi robe for several reasons #but his having to leave his mother in literal slavery with the expectation that he would never see or speak to her again is a huge one #every day i think of an order that keeps families involved with their own children #because turns out support from multiple angles makes children have less attachment issues not more

[caffeinatedopossum]

Yknow... I've spent so long focusing on me- what *I* want, what *my* reason for being alive is, that I think I completely forgot I can never separate my life from others- no matter where I look, other people are always at the core of what's important to me. Like yknow what? Maybe I don't want to be alive, maybe I don't see the value in life and it means nothing to me- but other people do. Other people *want* to live, for reasons that I simply don't have. And I think if me dying, or just trying to explain to explain how I think and feel even, would make that worse for someone else, then I don't want to. Because they deserve to keep the things that matter to them. Because I don't have a lot of faith in the meaning of life or hope that I'll have a happy future... but what I do have is faith in other people. Even if I shouldn't, I do and I'm not sorry for it.

#even if all ill ever get from other people in the end is disappointment #at least disappointment isnt the worst thing that life can throw at me #maybe if it happens- if when the day comes that i have to die and every last person has let me down- maybe ill have to accept it #but until that happens i wont accept it at all #ive already been let down by too many people to count. by stranger who dont even know I exist #and i know all of you readjng this have too. if anyone is reading this #but maybe i havent... maybe one of you has faith in me. and maybe thats enough to make it not matter how shitty other people are sometimes #because i know thats true for me. i look up to a handful of people and thats so important to me #idk... this feels egotistical. i doubt im anyones source of hope like that. but who cares #this train of thought doesnt feel complete but i know from oast experiences that if i have even the slightest sort of #*positive* breakthrough then i have to write it down IMMEDIATELY while im still feeling the feelings of it #otherwise I'll never be able to grasp the concept again #so i hope this serves its purpose even if its not the most coherent post 😅

[ssspringroll]

Omg it's them... Imaginary friends from my brain...

Updated slightly from how they would've looked when i last thought about them nearly 10 years ago. One of them grew out of his edgy phase. The other one... not so much.

#genuinely had an out of body experience last night working on Mark (redhead) bc it... thats him. #thats just straight up. thats the guy. #i finally get to look at him clearly after all these years #also making aliens has ruined my ability to see faces #i swear im giving myself mild face blindness #bc not only do these two look just like each other but i swear they look like every other human man i have ever made #RIP. #also no one bother asking for these guys. you cant have them. theyre my special guys that gave me brainworms ♥ #my kiddos #simoleon #i might actually play the game later to give these guys a new chance at life... #ill have to install some basic mods tho cuz i got nothing rn. no mccc. no 5 traits in cas. no ui cheats. #miserable existence without any mods at all.

[hella1975]

normal again :)

#what the hell was even all that!!!! #im still going through it but like. ive been better today like i didnt just ferment in a dark room hardly eating #and i also got some writing done that actually worked exactly how i wanted it to and i had that age old 'ive still got it!' moment #bc every time i encounter so much as a stone in the road of my writing i convince myself im terrible always have been terrible #will never be good ever and everyone hates me. so there's that #and then i actually interacted with my family and left the blinds up and now we just ordered a take out together so im just. existing #someone is having a paintball battle in my brain still but im being much more chill about it today god bless #and that's all that matters! as long as no one can TELL im going through it it doesnt count! showing emotions is bad! for the love of GOD #dw im pissing myself off too it's okay LMFAO #im gonna answer some asks though! bc not only is there a shitton again but also that always puts me in a good mood #sorry to anyone who has sent me time sensitive asks in the past few weeks. my motivation has just been dead #i do see and enjoy everything i get sent though so please dont feel like it was wasted and ill hopefully still answer it :) #hella goes home

[solemntitty]

me explaining my situation to every psychiatrist as an adult: yeah i used to have really severe mental illness growing up so like. my perception for when i'm not doing okay is skewed, if i don't feel like i'm going to die every day then i don't consider that anxiety.

#jamie has made a statement #personal #not me having chest pains bc anxiety and being like 'eh..... could be worse' #life as a teen with mental illness untreated was hell folks. don't let that kinda shit go untreated i do not recommend #me every psych visit: yeah from ages 11-17 i had severe social anxiety with selective mutism and panic disorder #also me: yea i got better after 25mg zoloft #i used to be able to feel my adrenal gland before a panic attack thats how used to them i was #like you ever just wake up knowing youre gonna die? or suffer??? yeah #i lived an existence of pain and didnt understand i was ill. i still dont know certain shit bc my development #was heavily impacted by said illness

[kavehater]

I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness

#There’s this specific part of the song #It srsly alters my brain chemistry #Anyways #i hate tumblr sm #Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm #No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much #Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely #Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D #The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏 #Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it #The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc #To show her how messy it was …. #I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone … #Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th #Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious #And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei #It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking #To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I #Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia #And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games #All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car #Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke #Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon #Like me go mad with all these things #Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up. #dora daily #Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable #Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more #Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing. #Essay tags 😻😻😻

[favvnsongs]

nearly two am and I'm thinking bout lina & epsilon again and feeling so profoundly sad lmfao

#like???? . #and i mean part of it is because theyre So Weird with eachother #how theyre nearly every single possible thing to one another and yet none of those and something larger and deeper and messier #and more profound and painful than anything else has ever been ;__; #the whole. she has just about no one. lina and all of her dead friends (save wash) and her dead parents and what even is her life supposed #to Be anymore. the tragic grief and dread that comes from him having to straight out tell her that he's old (comparatively) and tired and #likely doesnt have that much time left. and uet even knowing that he'll push and fray even more st the edges for the sake of helping her #is it awful or merciful or maybe a bit of both that he didnt just wink out of existence between one moment and the next when #he was With Her lmao. yeah sure she sends him off with tucker and the besties but there was obviously the expectation he'd come back #of course he would. in one way or another he always comes back except that he didnt and she didnt even get to Say Anything #and yeah ill fuss about washilon till im blue in the face but #like. they make me So Sad asdfghjkl #anyways #rvb nonsense

[its-chips-main]

be me

open twitter

new fucking ai tool that generates whole ass hyperrealistic videos from text prompts

wonder when im just going to have to give up on using the internet/trusting media in general because whether or not something is real will never Not be up for debate

#.tbd #i woke up feeling physically sick this morning and now this has me feeling sick in the brain #IF YOU WANT A FUCKING VIDEO YOU SHOULD GO TAKE THE FUCKING VIDEO. OR HIRE A VIDEO PRODUCER TO MAKE IT. #IM GOING TO KILL YOU TO DEATH. #WHY CANT WE PURPOSEFULLY USE AI FOR THE /BETTERMENT/ OF HUMAN LIFE. INSTEAD OF TRYING TO REPLACE- #-THE HUMAN ELEMENT OF EVERY CREATIVE MEDIUM TO EVER EXIST. #I FEEL LIKE IM GOING FUCKING INSANE AND NOT EVEN BECAUSE OF THE MENTAL ILLNESSES FOR ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[musical-chick-13]

"Nobody does this, don't EVER write this, no real person acts like that."

Buddy. Consider that. You do not have OCD. And I do.

#I am two seconds away from becoming an outright BITCH you genuinely don't even know #there's a lot of really personal shit involving this illness that I don't talk about on here and that I CAN'T really talk about on here #but I PROMISE if you go 'lol no one worries about that' I have worried about it #like yeah I GET that my life experience is not the majority EVEN AMONG MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE #I GET IT #but like. idk. there has NEVER been a place where I haven't felt Othered™ in a way that makes it impossible to believe I can have any #kind of fulfilling life or build any kind of lasting interpersonal relationship with another person and EVERY DAY I RUN INTO MORE SHIT #I'M SO TIRED #/NOTHING/ I DO WILL EVER BE ENOUGH AND I AM SO /TIRED/ I WANT TO FUCKING LAY IN A BALL AND CRY FOR FIVE DAYS #I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY PERFORM 'BEING A PERSON' WELL ENOUGH AND MY EXISTENCE WILL /ALWAYS/ BE #ATTACHED WITH THIS FEELING OF INHERENT SHAME TO THE REST OF GENERAL SOCIETY AND WHAT THE /FUCK/ AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS

[skyllion-uwu]

They should invent a me that feels real and doesn't self sabotage

#sky vents like amogus #im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo normal (lying) #legit i dont know what im supposed to do with myself. i dont see a future for me but i dont want to die. i just exist #i think about this one sci fi story a lot where the guy finds out everyone in the world is him and he is everyone in the world #reincarnated across timelines and bodies and every single person ever from good to evil has always. been. him. #i wonder if im that guy. why do i treat my current body and my past and future bodies so bad. do i even deserve to since so many of them #have the capacity to hurt themselves across history too. do i even try to break the cycle at this point. #or sometimes its like. im not real but everyone else is. i just inserted myself into this world and one day ill wake up and theyre all gone #if i found out that was true would i even do anything about it? could i get the courage to live knowing that it doesnt matter in the end #because i dont fucking exist. or would i just keep existing as i am now miserable because it doesnt matter in the end im not real #i feel like im gonna cry now. i thought too much #i dont wanna be needy and bothersome but. augh

[tiredgn0me]

uh oh girlies i think we normalised depression and anxiety a little too much

#everyones depressed and no one really cares #its a joke its a meme its hashtag relatable #its being used to sell us shit like hoodies that say 'anxious' across the front #its a misdiagnosis for every young undiagnosed autistic girl thatll result in life long trauma #its an excuse to sell you overpriced pills so no one has to ever actually change anything about the world #its a tool for people who post instagram infographics about mental health to make themselves look like good people #while conveniently forgetting every other mental illness in existence #its capitalisms best friend #and i have no idea what i can do about it #bugblock