#focused on uni and my professional future but I cant help thinking about all these other things

[michellejwhp2719]

.

#gonna rant here a bit abt nothing much but just because I have no one to talk about it with #i kinda like this guy and honestly. its not that big of a deal. but i do think he might like someone else and i have no idea who and its #making me a bit insane. Like. im not too bothered by it bc i think of it more as a whim than anything else. and im not going to cry if he #doesn't like me back. Like. im 18 dude I have no business in worrying too deeply aboyt those sorts of things yk? but i do miss the feeling #of someone liking me back. I do feel like I haven't gotten that in a while and it does make me a bit sad. Yk the whole 'what is so- #inherently unlikeable about me' sorta thing. Should I keep waiting or should I do something or what. like. what do I do. Im trying to stay #focused on uni and my professional future but I cant help thinking about all these other things #I feel like its the being a young adult of it all. that if I wasnt maybe I wouldnt be thinking about it too hard. I already have so much on #my plate as it is. I cant focus on everything and I feel like I cant focus on anything anyway #I thought I was a bad person for thinking about making a move when I had JUST found out that he had broken up w his gf just a couple of #weeks prior to me finding out. but apparently for him it was a long time coming. And now he's completely moved on and likes someone else #and its driving me mad not knowing who it is. Because I also cant fathom the possibility of it being me. I really cant. And its gonna sound #so stupid and superficial but god. he has so many pretty girls in his life and Im just here. Im just me. How could it be me. #when it never is #like I said. its dumb. and im overthinking it but I cant help it. I dont even think I want an actual relationship or anything. but I do #want to be selfish about it. I want it to be me #And I feel terrible because I know this isn't about him. its about wanting someone to like me. and he doesn't deserve that. #I dont know what to do

[mental-health-advice]

i had extreme anxiety my whole life. I'm only 18 but i feel disorientated, sad, hopeless and my memory seems to be bad. I feel like I lost my chilhood/youth - so many opportunities and experiences i will never experience ever again. I feel like I wasted my life and am still wasting my life, i dont do anything, espeically all the things i really want to do because i'm scared. I'm scared of putting myself out there and living and learning. But i'm also scared of death & the passage of time. iceP1

iceP2. I’m a huge perfectionist and this has impacted me negatively since always. I assume i can never achieve anything in the way I want to, so this has stopped me from trying/doing anything. I can’t stand doing something over time, i cant just live and relax. I’m constantly on edge and need to do things quickly, need to be rewarded quickly. My skills need to be good immediately or i drop it. I feel like time is passing and im terrified of losing out on life

Hi darling,

If I didn’t know better, I’d say I’d written this myself! I can relate a lot to what you’re going through and I just want to say that I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. Do know you aren’t alone though!

I’m going to tell you something, and the reason I’m saying it is because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes that I did. You’re 18, which is still really young! I wish I could go back to being 18 with the knowledge I have now, I would have done so many things differently. Okay so here comes a little bit about me. I’ve been struggling with my mental health for 9 years now I think (lost count a little). But it all got progressively worse when I was 17, and even more at 18. I was in therapy, one session a week. But I felt like that wasn’t enough, like it wouldn’t get me there. I felt like I needed a long residential program. I tried to voice this to my therapist at the time, but she dismissed it. It was understandable because I was new at the facility since I’d moved to uni, but before that I’d had years of one session a week therapy already and I hadn’t improved at all, actually gotten worse. When it was dismissed I left it at that. I continued with one session a week, although I went inpatient a couple times, but this was for a short period of time. Flash forward to two years ago and my therapist at the time came to the conclusion that I wasn’t making any progress and that I needed something more intensive. I went to a diagnostic clinical program (similar to residential but only focused on figuring out what’s going on). The goal was to find out what was the reason that one session a week wasn’t helping and to get a recommendation for a treatment program. I was diagnosed with AvPD there and they did indeed recommend a residential program. Due to reasons I won’t get into (irrelevant) I got a new therapist at the same facility I had the diagnostic program with. I didn’t end up going to residential but she thought I could benefit from something that literally translates to ‘parttime’. It was a seven month program where you came three days a week from around 9.30 to 3.30 ish. Flash forward to now. I completed that program a year ago. Last week my therapist had a meeting with the team to discuss my case and my therapist said that it’s most likely gonna be residential (which here often is 6 or 9 months or a year even). So it really feels like the last four years were a complete waste. The reason I told you this is because I don’t want you to make the same mistake that I did. Listen to your instinct and fight for that. If you feel like you need something more intensive, don’t let them dismiss you. You know yourself best! You’re the only one who knows exactly how you’re doing. Please fight for yourself lovely, let your voice be hard. Make sure that you get the treatment that you need and deserve!

Speaking of treatment, are you currently receiving any kind of professional help? You really don’t have to go through this by yourself lovely! There is help available and you deserve to get that help. I know it can be terrifying to reach out, so if it helps, know that when you start therapy you aren’t under the obligation to start doing scary things immediately. You can decide the pace, you’re in control. I hope that is at least a little bit reassuring to hear. It would be easiest to visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what you’ve been struggling with. They’ll then be able to refer you to a therapist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here.

These past 18 years haven’t been easy for you and you feel like you missed out a lot. While you probably had a different youth than what would be seen as regular or normal, I don’t think it necessarily means you missed out. Your struggles don’t define you, but they do teach you certain lessons, which can be positive. I don’t mean this in romanticising way though, as it would have been much much nicer if you didn’t have to struggle so much. But for example, if I hadn’t been struggling I wouldn’t have come across MHA, joined as an admin and met so many of my closest friends through here. I wouldn’t be typing out this reply right now. I wouldn’t be helping other people (at least, I hope that we sometimes help). So of course it would have been preferable if you didn’t struggle so much, but try not to see it as a complete waste of time either. You’re learning a lot from all this and when you’ve recovered those lessons will stick too.

I really hope that this helped a little. Please always feel free to get back to me! You can get out of this, I really believe in you.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline

#ice #mental health #advice #advice blog #anxiety #perfectionism #death #time #therapy #treatment #recovery #mhapauline #Anonymous