#forgive me i was also reaching an epiphany with this rambling

[cefonteyn]

European History and Sensibilities in 1899 season 1

Please forgive the length of this post -- I know I'm rambling, but I am so taken by the depth and brilliance of this show. For context, I'm an Indian immigrant to the United States, who studied American and European history and literature in the U.S. As you might imagine, I have many, many thoughts about 19th century European history and ideologies evident in 1899.

One of the really fascinating things to me about 1899 is how European it is -- obviously in terms of the nationalities of the actors and the characters, but also in terms of one of the show's leitmotifs: you cannot run from your station in life.

There were populist revolutions across Europe in 1848. They broadly failed, and the monarchs won. So in 1899, Europe was still a land of kaisers and czars (both words that come from Caesar, immediately locating 19th century Europe within a two-thousand year history of inherited status).

This is in direct opposition to the American myth, right? The idea that you can come from nothing and become the king of the world. That's a story Americans love to tell and hear, and when we Americans talk about European immigration in the 19th century, that's the way we tell the story. "All men are created equal," we say. This is where you're supposed to come if you're the "poor huddled masses yearning to breathe free." New York, specifically, is where Lady Liberty holds her lamp beside the golden door. (Lady Liberty is European, of course -- but she is French. France had a successful republican revolution in 1791, relapsed with a series of emperors, but by 1899 was a republic again.)

That's why the Kerberos is bound for New York, and not Buenos Aires or Sydney or Bombay. The American myth calls to all our friends on the Kerberos. The show begins with an American poet's words. Olek repeatedly looks at an image of the Statue of Liberty. Virginia explicitly says, "Everyone is running from something." They all hope to escape their pasts and begin anew in America, specifically, because of America's foundational mythos. Maura hopes to become a woman doctor. Tove hopes to lead a normal life with her baby and siblings. Iben hopes to establish a church rather than toiling in the fields.

But they never make it to New York. They've tried "dozens of times," Daniel tells Maura, but the ship never reaches its destination. Because New York isn't real. These European have no hope, ever, of successfully becoming the masks they wear. Angel says exactly this to Ramiro: "You cannot change the nature of things." Later on, it seems that he has had a change of heart, but his realization comes too late, and he's never able to act on his epiphany and become a better person.

Consider the stories of Ling Yi, Lucien, and Franz.

In the British colony of Hong Kong, Ling Yi tries to steal her way into a better life. The results are disastrous: she loses her best friend. Later, she loses her mother. Even though she acknowledges to her mother that she's not entitled to have dreams, she begins a dreamy relationship with Olek -- and then loses the boy she loves. By the end, she's lost everyone she cares about. There is nothing left of the better life she tried to steal from Mei Mei. The ship isn't real. The ocean isn't real. Even her beautiful stolen kimono is gone. The only familiar presence left in her life, the only person with whom she can communicate, is her pimp.

Like Ling Yi, Lucien tried to steal an identity. He returned to Paris from French Algeria trying to live out a dead man's life, and learned that the universe would not allow it. He accepts his death as soon as Eyk announces that he's heading for the Prometheus, and later tells Clemence, "I didn't get what I wanted. I got what I deserved." He understands his fate as almost a karmic balance. He stole a dead man's life, and now he has to die, too.

And then there's Franz. He's the "American" on board, in the sense that he does what a prototypical American would appreciate. He's clearly of a lower-class background and builds solidarity with the working class. He attempts to democratize the ship by empowering the underclass -- giving them arms. And when he feels that the ship's leader is not doing a good job, he seizes power to redirect the ship to its original course. It could almost be in the U.S. Declaration of Independence, which starts by justifying the American Revolution. His actions are so very American that he could almost be heroic.

Of course, the name Franz is related to France. France gave critical support to America in its revolution. Then, as I said above, it had its own bloody revolution and deposed its king. By 1899, France was a republic. So maybe it's more accurate to say that Franz is the French revolutionary, not the American.

But either way, in 1899, he's not a hero. His coup fails. Nobody shows him any respect at all, from haughty first mate Sebastian, to dignified first-class passenger Maura, right down to humble stoker Olek. The crew that was initially on his side turns against him (before he's deactivated, Wilhelm admits that Eyk had been right all along). Even the third-class passengers Franz empowered lose respect for him by the end, when he can't explain the mysterious Calling.

So, in the second half of the show, Franz returns to his proper place: under Eyk's command. (Just like France returned to imperial rule under Napoleon, even after its revolution.) Eyk is above deck, seeking philosophical enlightenment, exploring the nature of the mystery with Maura. And Franz is lower than ever, in the lowest part of the ship, performing manual labor: shoveling coal. When the storm hits, he doesn't even know until someone comes down to tell him.

In contrast, consider Olek. He never, ever subverts his station in life. Even when he's frustrated by Eyk, he does everything the captain requests. He treats everyone with deference, not even meeting their eyes, because he understands that he's lowest ranked. Even the relationships he forges -- the friendship with stowaway Jerome and relationship with prostitute Ling Yi -- are with people in his own class/rank.

Notably, Olek is Polish. In 1899, Poland hadn't existed for over 100 years; it had been divided between the Russian Empire, the Austro-Hungarians, and Prussia (later the German Empire). Olek is literally nobody, from no land.

And for knowing his place in life, he is rewarded by the universe: he ends up acting in stead of the captain, steering the ship. (Brilliantly, Olek's name comes from Alexander, as in Alexander the Great. It may not be immediately apparent to people who dismiss him as a "Polack," but Olek has rich history and leadership in his name.)

And finally, there's Eyk himself. His old-fashioned name also means "ruler," from the word for oak trees under which village heads issued their rulings. And he is the definite ruler of the ship. He is imperious and stern to start, and Maura immediately recognizes from the way that he carries himself that he is the ship's captain. He knows Morse code, and how to read naval maps, and the depth of the sea. He also knows how to read his crew and order them around.

Eyk exhibits a magnetic charisma, which works on everyone. Jerome and Ramiro, who would rather have kept their heads down and stayed out of the spotlight, end up risking their lives for him. Sebastian apologizes to him before deactivating him. Even Daniel -- for whom Eyk is a romantic rival -- helps Eyk, agrees with him publicly, and eventually just moves him elsewhere rather than deactivating him.

But as events get stranger, Eyk's behavior becomes erratic. He drinks heavily on the job. He treats officers, crew, and passengers poorly. He makes an imperious decision against the wishes of every single person on board. George III lost America for the same thing. Julius Caesar died for that, and so did Louis XVI.

But the mutiny against Eyk fails. Tove, who points a rifle at Eyk and informs him that they're turning the ship around, is also the first person to defect from the mutineers. She says to him, "Du bist der Kapitan." After the Calling, everyone again acknowledges Eyk as the captain. When the crisis of the storm begins, it's Eyk they seek first, before turning to Sebastian and Franz.

The show presents this as the correct order of things. Eyk is sympathetic, intelligent, and noble, in every sense of the word. We, the audience, love him for it. Even when we sympathize with Franz, we never agree with him and turn against Eyk.

So, the first season reifies the 1899 European idea that one ought to act in accordance with one's class status. Escaping one's station in life is impossible, and attempting to do so always leads to disaster.

(Here I would be remiss not to mention the relationship to Hinduism and Buddhism. The idea that everyone's life circumstances are a reflection of their actions in their past lives, and therefore should not be avoided or changed? That's Hinduism. The idea that the universe is an illusion? It's called maya, and it's in Hinduism and Buddhism. The idea that attachment to the illusory things of maya necessarily brings suffering, that suffering distracts you from your true self as part of atman and your goal of achieving moksha -- of being blown out of existence like a candle (nirvana) -- of achieving liberation from the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth: all of this is in Hinduism and Buddhism. It's exactly what Daniel tries to tell Maura.

Europeans in the 19th century were familiar with these concepts. Knowledge of Hinduism and Buddhism was quite fashionable not only in Britain, but across the continent, and it remained so into the 20th century. See, e.g., Hermann Hesse's 1927 German novel Siddhartha about the Buddha, or this Polish translation of the Sanskrit Ramayana from 1937.)

Of course, European history didn't end in 1899. Major shifts were on the horizon; a century of war was about to begin, reshaping Europe's map several times. European nations bit into one another, sometimes spitting each other out, sometimes swallowing each other whole.

The British empire continued to lose its global power. World War I ended Eyk's German Empire and established the Weimar Republic, setting the stage for the Third Reich. The 1917 Revolution ended Imperial Russia and established the Soviet Union. The Treaty of Paris reestablished Olek's Poland. Civil war raged in Angel's Spain. World War II began in 1937 on the Sino-Japanese front, and Ling Yi's Hong Kong was occupied by Japan. Olek's Poland was occupied by Germany, as was Clemence, Lucien, and Jerome's France.

And then the Cold War raged. Europe was split in two. America became a superpower and spread its sensibilities across war-ravaged Western Europe, while the Soviet Union did the same in the East. Eyk's Germany was itself split.

Until, finally, came the mostly peaceful Revolutions of 1989 (the same numerals as 1899!), fulfilling the populist promise of the 1848 revolutions. Round Table Talks -- beginning in Olek's Poland -- spread capitalist democracy across Eastern Europe. The Berlin Wall came down later the same year in Eyk's Germany.

(Jantje and Bo are German, too, of course. Their age and vantage point in Central Europe means they have a wonderful perspective on late 20th century European history.)

The Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, leaving America as the sole world power. Obviously, Europe is not America. To this day, America is a very libertarian country, ruled by a worship of individualism and the belief that riches and success are only a reinvention away. European countries are not ruled by this same fundamental ideology.

But in the 20th century, we Americans exported (read: forced) some of ourselves across the world, including in Europe, very often in evil ways. A lot of it was horrible and self-interested. We ruined lives. We ruined generations. We ruined entire nations.

But not all of it was bad. (Black Americans invented jazz and rock and roll, after all, and it's the latter genre that plays at the end of every episode.) And one of the things we exported was our foundational myth -- our belief -- now widely accepted in many parts of the world, including modern Europe: that it is inherently right and correct that people should chart their own destinies rather than being forced into roles determined at birth.

(Not to suggest that self-determination is uniquely American. Other cultures have this belief indigenously, of course! I only mean that we exported our own version.)

At the end of the first season, we see the same people that we've gotten to know, but in a new historical context. They no longer believe that they are in 1899; now it seems they're in 2099. They're not exactly in America, but they are in the territory that America claimed to have won spiritually in 1969, in its space race with the Soviet Union. (Of course, we now acknowledge space as a place for all humans, not for any race or nationality. That kind of unity is reflected in post-WWII organizations like the United Nations...and the European Union.)

And so I wonder if the same leitmotif will play in the next step of these characters' journey, or if the next season will reflect Europe's 20th century: changing social roles. Democratization. Mass murder and genocide. Waning empires and anti-immigration sentiments. Homophobia, transphobia, sexism, and gender equality and increased LGBTQ+ rights. Socialism and austerity.

I really hope the next season embraces the next chapter in Europe's history. If so, it promises to be a very interesting season, marked with sharp internal and external conflicts and contradictions. Because, to borrow a phrase from the American poet Walt Whitman, Europe is large, it contains multitudes.

#1899 meta #1899 theories #1899 spoilers #1899 analysis #1899 netflix #1899 #sorry again about the absurd length of this post

[unohanabbygirl]

In response to your most recent ask, there’s also a third option where Luke and Aemond get together, get married and have a few kids but in this scenario Luke gets therapy and begins to work through his trauma and shame, and in doing so accepts that his relationship with Aemond is built upon sexual violence. His therapy allows him to understand different forms of sexual assault and violence so that when Aemond reads his diary and confronts him, Luke seeing his husband vehemently deny what happened was rape finally pushes Luke to divorce him. He won’t be gaslighted by Aegon into thinking he and Aemond are fated, nor will he allow Jace to erase the happiness and pleasure Luke found in his life with Aemond. It may take 15 years or 30 but he finally is able to accept the different shades of violence and trauma done to him, and he is strong enough to leave.

Never before did I stop to think of this outcome and I have to say its the most realistic/likely option of them all. So allow me to turn this into my usual mini fic/ramble 😈

While coming to accept himself as is through years of work both in and out of therapy isn’t a walk in the park, it’s worth it in the end. Luke no longer keeps things bottled up and instead has taken to journaling as well as long talks on the phone with both Cecil and the rest of his buddies he met while in juvenile about woes that only they could understand as men who experienced similar childhoods that managed to survive it all. He’s taken on a multitude of hobbies as a reminder to himself that he’s deserving of things that make him happy outside of his attachments to other people. And best of all? Comes to know himself as his own person. Not Rhaenyra’s son, Jaces brother or Aemond’s true love, but Luke Rivers.

Group therapy is one of those things that help him finally reach this epiphany he’s been on the road to touching for some years now. Taking with people of all ages from different backgrounds and identities about the abuse they’ve faced at the hands of both people they didn’t know as well as those they loved. It’s hard coming to terms with the fact that his love with Aemond was built off of none other than a lie. How his husband, the man he promised his life to, so easily fell into bed with him knowing he wouldn’t have wanted it if his memories had been intact. But even so, he accepts and forgives, not for Aemond but for himself and their children. The children who Luke did everything he could to protect from the horrors and abuse he faced throughout his life. Children who would’ve been left to rot in the system if he followed both their mothers suggestions and got a surrogate.

(Luke personally feels surrogacy is more often than not built on taking advantage of vulnerable woman in need of money while Aemond simply doesn’t like any of the candidates except for Helaena who offers happily but Luke denies her too. Mind set on helping an older child without a home.)

However, forgiveness doesn’t equate to forgetting. Luke forgives Aemond simply because hating him would only drain his spirit and send him into a state of regression. Once again that 17yr old kid who was failed by so many adults and felt that the world itself was out to get him. Luke can’t be that boy again, its unhealthy for him and his children to fall back into that dark place.

He and Aemond still have a happy marriage; they cook together, do date night three nights a week, watch movies, snuggle, frequent pillow talk, and have a very healthy sex life. Though Luke begins to pull away from certain activities in the bedroom (hair pulling, name calling) that his road to recovery has helped him realize he was doing not because he liked it, but because its what years of sexual abuse instilled in him. Though this isn’t to say he’s anti-kink because their little breeding kink is still going strong 20 years later, but I digress.

Their youngest child is getting ready to leave the nest for her first year of university when Aemond confronts him. Luke is scrolling through furniture catalogs on his laptop because his daughters decorating skills are severely lacking and he refuses to leave her all alone in Dorne with an ugly, nearly empty apartment to call home. When his husband walks in with the journal in hand and a heartbroken look on his face and Luke knows what their conversation is going to be about. He just wishes he had more time to prepare for it.

Luke would be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised that Aemond denied the sexual experiences they shared in their youth were rape. Though a better man than he once was, Aemond is incapable of seeing their relationship for what it truly is. A man who refused to let go to the point where he felt Luke’s own right to bodily autonomy was least important so long as he managed to “win” him, and a boy who remained at his side because Aemond was the first man to ever be gentle with him. Taking advantage of that fact and using it to lock him down. It’s disheartening, listening to his husband give every bullshit reason in the book as to how their relationship wasn’t built on deception. Even full-on ignoring Luke as he reads out the literal dictionary definition of rape by deception. Its the last straw for Luke to say the least. Sending Jayne Snow a text asking for the number of a good divorce lawyer because he refuses to let this relationship continue on if Aemond is going to deny his wrongdoing when all Luke has ever done is list his own.

To say the entire family (except lucemonds kids because they don’t even have a quarter of the trauma those fuck-ups do and are more mature when it comes down to it) are in shambles is an understatement. Its almost like the dance all over again, two sides divided as they all try to tell Luke what his future should look like. Aegon is doing everything in his power to remind Luke of the fairytale ending that he and his brother worked so hard for while Jace is going off about how he knew marrying and Aemond and starting a family wasn’t the right choice. Alicent is heartbroken and Egg is jumping for joy because it’s always been ‘fuck Aemond’ on his end, while Rhaenyra (who is very supportive because whatever her baby wants is the right choice) is nervous as hell because this will likely cause a break in the family.

Had Luke still be in his early twenties, newly married and in the process of adopting their first son, he may have crumbled and listened to Aegon about fairytale endings. Thankfully, Luke is in his forties now, all of his children are grown and he’s healed enough to know he deserves better than to remain in such a situation. He won’t let Aegon guilt him into going back to his little brother just as he wont let Jace convince him that creating his family was a mistake.

I can see Aemond refusing to sign the papers for well over a decade. Insisting that Luke is being irrational and begging for someone to talk sense into his husband so they can have their happy home back. Misses holding him at night and their silly back and forth with crude words that in their own unique way are declarations of love, but Luke refuses on the basis that he’s strong enough to know he deserves his peace.

It isn’t until their eldest grandchild who’s around eighteen (also adopted because there’s 400,000 children in the foster system who deserve a loving home) confronts his grandpa and tells him of his own encounter with an older guy who deceived him into a sexual relationship when he was 13. Helps him understand that rape isn’t always being held down by some disgusting stranger. It can seem like consent, especially to someone who’s only ever associated sex with bruised skin and blood, yet it’s still rape in spite of what soft words and pleasures they shared during.

This is the dam that sends in the flood.

A few weeks later Luke is unpacking in his new home. It’s nice, four bedrooms, three bathrooms with a small library and a nice pool but still very warm and cozy. He moved to Essos only weeks ago, Lys specifically, and this is the first time in his life that he’s been on his own. Free as a bird and ready to gain good experiences on his own. He may not be in his prime, teetering on retirement age, but he’s still young enough to meet new friends and create new memories. No romance though, despite all three of his daughters trying to hook him up. He wants to be alone, know himself without the pressures of another man’s happiness on his back. Luke just wants some alone time with Luke, and regardless of what his parents, children, siblings of grandchildren say, he’s going to get it.

He’s going to walk around in his underwear, start his garden that Aemond never really seemed to want to participate in, cook new meal’s he’s always been excited to try out, and buy some…adult toys now that he doesn’t have to worry about one of the kids opening his packages because they’re nosey as hell or Aegon’s over grown ass doing the same whilst using it as a means of cracking on him.

After he opens and puts away his last box Luke pours a nice glass of wine. Its more sparkling cider than anything but it relaxes him nonetheless. Luke is about to rent a movie when he gets a text from his layer about meeting tomorrow as Aemond Tully-Rivers, at the age of 57, has finally signed the divorce papers after years of court drama.

Luke doesn’t cry tears of joy or call everyone he knows is on his side to gloat. Instead, he sends Aemond a text telling him that despite it all Luke knows he’s a loving man. Thanking him with a promise to be back in Kings Landing for their youngest grandson’s first birthday next month.

Once Luke hangs up he goes out to his pool and puts his feet in the warm water, watching the sky turn colors as night falls.

For the first time in his life Luke can finally say he feels free.

#asks

[ronanvespertine]

There’s (I’m fairly certain) three main thoughts on justice and what society should do with criminals. 1: punish crime, pay it out. 2 rehabilitate criminals and prevent it from happening again. 3 stop crimes from ever happening through programs like food stations and so on. Endeavour very strongly supports point 1, and he’d be a very popular hero with people with a similar sense of justice, or if he takes down a someone who’s really hurt a lot of people.

Yep, makes sense:

Prevention

Retaliation

Rehabilitation

I kinda explored this in that old Hawks ask (man I wish there was an easier way to look for it). There are definitely different approaches to the way society deals with things. As well as different levels of severity. As for what “crossing the line” entails—people will have different opinions on that. Which is why it makes it so difficult for people and society to agree on where the line is drawn sometimes.

(Honestly, I think it’s pointless to try and solidify where that line is. There’s no way everyone can come to a consensus about justice. Because it’s a topic everyone feels strongly about. At this point, all we can do is lay out some ground rules and let people carry out the justice they personally believe in.)

(This is also a reminder that any statements I make on this blog are just my personal opinion on things. I’ll try harder not to slap a “right” or “wrong” on stuff—that’s impossible, I probably have to use that kind of polarizing language to explain what I think about stuff—but please know that anything I say is just an opinion. It is not the “correct answer” or the “popular opinion”. Even if it is the popular opinion, that doesn’t mean it is “right”. Same thing goes with my fics. It’s just how I personally want to look at BNHA. In no way does it mean that’s the way everyone else should interpret it.)

I definitely agree with the sympathizers bit. (That’s probs not the right term but just roll with it.) People’s personal experiences will affect their outlook and the way they do things. Someone who was beaten and betrayed by the world could possibly have a more pessimistic view on things. People out there will want vengeance, sometimes, regardless of how it’s taken. Any obstacles in their way would seem like “the enemy” and dehumanized in their eyes. To them, that person standing in their way isn’t a person anymore. It’s a monster out to get them, stop them from getting the revenge/justice they rightfully deserve. In some ways, I think the MHA game title really suits the series. “One’s Justice”. People’s versions of justice differ from one another.

There are a lot of metas out there that explore the concept of dehumanizing the villains and the “guilty until proven innocent” criminality thing in Japan. Probably look at @/transhawks and @/thyandrawrites. They write insightful metas. @/transhawks’ metas are really good at exploring the world around BNHA, and delves into the Japanese culture influencing the series that foreigners might not know. And both are really good with their talk on the villains.

Looping back to the sympathizers, yes. I definitely agree Endeavor will have supporters like that who approve of the harsh way he does things. Maybe conservative-ish people, who tend to think that criminals aren’t worthy/capable of reform and just deserve to be locked up/die altogether. Yeah, ouch. People can be heartless out there. And they have every right to be.

I personally don’t always like the way Endeavor does stuff, but you know.....sometimes, justice may need a bunch of different forms of “justice” working together. You can kinda see it in the current PLF raid arc:

Endeavor’s merciless plowing forward fiery stuff

Ryukyu’s protective stuff

Hawks’ “at all costs”

Midoriya’s “for everyone else I’ll sacrifice myself”

Gran Torino’s “think of the larger picture and protect OFA”

Bakugo’s “I’ll always win”

Tokoyami’s “loyalty”

Kaminari’s “for everyone else I’ll overcome my fear”

Like, if all of these heroes were the same type of justice, we wouldn’t have the fight we have now. We’d have a stagnant, monotone, predictable army that could easily be overcome because everyone would have the same convictions/boundaries.

If Hawks didn’t have his “at all costs” justice, we’d probably be facing a massive tsunami of Twice. If Endeavor didn’t have his fiery resilience, we’d probably be seeing a nation full of fear and lost hope. If we didn’t have Midoriya’s sacrificial justice, we’d probably see Shigaraki mowing down all those heroes and civilians. And if we didn’t have Gran Torino’s “larger picture” stuff, the legacy of OFA would’ve ended the second Shiggy met up with Midoriya.

Even if people’s different versions of justice can’t agree with each other.....they play off each other. And we still need them, in a way. We just have to live in a world full of differences, you know.

#ronan answers #anon #this got lengthy lol #forgive me i was also reaching an epiphany with this rambling #it doesnt matter who’s right or wrong. what matters is what you end up with. #you can judge how well you did/whether you should’ve gone a different path then. #but of course reflecting on yourself while you’re walking down that road is good too

[livexdolan]

Part 2 of 40 and 70? 🥺🥺

Yes yes and yess

Masterlist

Previously (Pt. 1)

Two weeks later...

“Y/n! Would you please move your ass a little faster?” Maya sighs as I trudge my suitcase down the hall to the living room.

I drop it with a huff, “I’m sorry but someone decided to conveniently forget to mention we were going up to a ski lodge for two weeks.”

She rolls her eyes and grabs the handle, moving it too easy for my liking. Opening the front door she moves my suitcase out into the hall next to hers, “Okay, okay, my bad. But I knew if I told you at first you’d never agreed to go. Especially because...y’know... he-who-shall-not-be-named is going to be there.”

“Yeah well, I don’t care. It’s whatever,” I shrug, hoping my face is covering up how much my heart hurts at the thought of him.

She raises her brow and I know I’m a terrible liar, “Mhm. C’mon, let’s go.”

She walks out the door, grabbing her purse. I grab my purse and throw my phone and keys in it. I also grab my water bottle off the counter, taking a quick sip. My face scrunches a little at the taste of Pinot Grigio, the closest I can get to red wine, seeing as my friends won’t let me have Merlot because it makes me ‘bitchy’.

I lock the door, walking to the elevator where Maya and Kristina are waiting. “Let’s do this.”

When we make it out the complex I stop, my friend bumping into me and cursing but all I can hear is a numbing buzz as I look at the all-too familiar white Tesla sitting in front of me.

“What the hell?” Kris looks down, a blush crawling across her face and Maya sighs, “Why did no one tell me we were going with them?”

“Because we knew you’d try to back out. Ethans car is the only one big enough to fit everyone. It’s us three, Ethan, Grayson, and Ryan. Mando and five other people are meeting us at the lodge,” Kris says softly and I love her so much, it’s the only thing keeping me from hitting her.

“I can’t-“ my words are cut off and my heart starts pounding as the twins jump out of the car, Ethan walking over to Kris and kissing her quickly, grabbing her bag with ease.

Grayson moves in front of me with his hands going into his hoodie pocket. The hoodie I always stole. I think bitterly, “Y/n? You ready?” I flinch at his voice, not looking him in the eye.

I nod silently but when he goes to grab my bag I stop him, pulling the handle myself, “I got it,” I spit, knowing it came out harsher than I planned.

He steps back like I slapped him with the audacity to look hurt. He shakes his head and grabs Mayas bag instead, giving her a half-smile before turning back to the car.

Maya raises her brow but I ignore it, not in the mood for her lecture. Dragging my suitcase to the car I reluctantly hand it to Grayson so he can stuff it into the back. When I get to the back doors I notice something.

Oh God. No. No no no no- “Where’s everyone sitting?” I already know. I had no reason to ask. Fucking hell.

I look at Ethan in the drivers seat, Kristina next to him, Ryan and Maya getting their stuff together in the captain chairs in the second row. Leaving the third row empty. The smallest seats for me and- “ Guess it’s you and me in the back. Just like old times, eh?” I scoff at his deep voice, feeling him behind me.

I grumble and push into the third row, moving as far behind Ryan’s seat as I can, pushing my purse to the ground. Crossing my arms I decide I’m going to sit like a statue for the drive.

Grayson clambers in as well, but instead of giving me space he leans back, spreading his long legs slightly so his thigh is barely touching mine. I pull my leg closer to my side. Grayson sighs and reaches for something.

He holds up a soft blanket and I look at him, he raises his eyebrows as if to say ‘peace offering?’ I uncross my arms and take it from him, slowly relaxing into my seat a little, knowing I can’t ignore him for two weeks, especially not when we’re sitting so close.

“Hey, y/n?” Grayson whispers, just loud enough to be heard over the music.

I glance over at him, “Hey, Grayson?” I say back, mockingly.

If that surprised him, he hides it well, “I was just wondering...are you ever going to forgive me?”

I whip my head to look at him, “forgive you?” I repeat.

He nods, a nervous look in his eyes, “For...punching Dylan, that’s why you’ve been ignoring me right?”

I gape at him. My entire brain short circuits and I don’t know what to say. I open my mouth, shut it, and open it again, “You think that’s why I haven’t been talking to you?” I ask incredulously, hoping he’s joking.

“Why do you keep repeating me like that? After I hit Dylan you ran out, then ignored all my texts and calls. Maya even told me you took the final online so you didn’t have to come to the same class as me. I assumed it was because I hurt him. Look, I’m sorry about that. He was being such a dick and I-“

“Are you really that self-centered that you think I would make that big of a deal out of you punching that asshole in the face?” I whisper, cutting him off, “I haven’t talked to you because you and I,” I gesture to the two of us in the small space, “aren’t good friends. You drag me into stupid shit I don’t want to do and I follow you like a lost puppy. I’m tired of it. And frankly, I’m fucking sick of you acting like you never once picked up on how much I loved you. As more than a friend,” I ramble. Leaning back in my seat with a huff, re-crossing my arms.

I stare at the back of Ryan’s headrest and can see Grayson staring at me out of the corner of my eye. I keep up my hard look, Grayson finally giving up and letting out a frustrated sigh, running his hand through his hair and tugging it slightly.

My heart tugs at me, telling me to comfort him, knowing he only does that when he’s really stressed out but I hold back. I’m tired of him using me as his girlfriend without actually letting me be his girlfriend. I have a small epiphany as the thought hits me. That’s it. That’s why all of this pissed me off so much.

Grayson has been using me as his girlfriend for almost ten years. He comes to me with his problems, we cuddle, he takes me out for food and ice cream, makes me go on adventures with him, talks me into wearing matching outfits for his party so he doesn’t look stupid, he even holds my hand. But then he goes off and fucks other girls, he’s had one too many friends with benefits in the past three years. In fact, he had four different girls doing it with him at one time, until two of the girls found out about each other and cut him off.

When I asked him how he felt he just shrugged saying, ‘I never said I wouldn’t have sex with other people’. Maybe that’s part of the problem, too.

Because even if Grayson loved me back- would he even be able to handle a full one-on-one relationship? Would he cheat? Not because he didn’t love me but because he was so used to doing whatever the hell he wanted? I roll my head to the side, watching the world go back as my thoughts swirl.

This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life.

Next...(Pt.3)

-

A/n: I know y’all are gonna hate me but there’s gonna be at least one more part. It was getting a bit long and I think we left off on a good note ;)) lmk how y’all feel about the new part ❤️

#grayson dolan #dolan twins #ethan dolan #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan smut #ethan #grayson #grayson dolan imagine #sophs blurbs #frat!gray #asks #concepts #grayson dolan smut #grayson x reader #Grayson concept #grayson dolan concept #my writing

[kiddokori]

this is just gonna be me rambling about paint for awhile

but before now I’ve really only ever drawn on paper with lead pencils or worked digitally since i got a tablet like a year ago and everyones heard all the “digital’s easier it’s cheating stuff” and I always thought yeah ok sure it has a lot of short cuts I get it traditional mediums take more technical skill but who cares it’s not a competition. And then I took an oil painting class this term and I’ve completely switched. Digital’s fucking hard. Painting is so easy. Not in a like “oh I’m so naturally good at this thing” I’m not it’s most definitely a learning curve but. Ok the best way I can put it is digital makes it easier to do something it’s not easier as a medium. I can do a bunch of super specific random shit with a couple clicks that would either be impossible to do traditionally or would take considerably more time or intention to do it. But that doesn’t mean it looks good. We’ve all seen or made art digitally as kids that was just a shit ton of layer modes and gaussian blur and smudge shadows and it looked bad! It took a very short amount of time to do it but that didn’t make it good! Painting is so easy not that it’s easy to do things, you constantly have to carefully consider what you’re doing, but it’s just so simple. The hardest part is learning how to mix colors, but once you get that, if you have experience drawing, it’s so easy. Like it seems unfair how much I’d gotten it stuck in my head that painting = hard and digital = easy, especially with oil paints. Digital is very forgiving with undoing and layers but that’s also kind of the issue. I’ll sit for hours fucking around with settings and undoing and redoing and undoing and redoing like it’s such a process. Painting is just oh you put a glob of paint there? cool it’s there now. That’s it. No spending ten minutes agonizing over every tiny action you make you just do it. And now it’s there and you have to put up with it. I don’t know if I’m making sense I just had a weird epiphany while thinking about it. Digital is hard. There’s so much and yes that gives you a ton of options to cheat things you can’t traditionally but if you don’t really understand how to finesse those cheats it looks like shit. And there’s SO much to learn it’s almost overwhelming. Painting doesn’t have those cheats but it’s just so straightforward and simple. There’s so much mythology (mystique? you know what I mean) surrounding oil paints. I’ve always had an understanding it was very technical and demanding and simply out of reach if you didn’t dedicate your whole life to it. And yeah my first painting sucked ass because I was just learning to mix colors and how paint interacts with itself and the canvas and how paint thinner affects it and how linseed oil affects it but you get a feel for it. It’s not a million settings you need to memorize it’s like a muscle. And again, if you have drawing experience, if you understand fundamentally how objects function in a 3D space it’s so easy to get a grasp on painting. I’m on my third painting second still life and I’m like holy shit I kinda get it. Not as much as a seasoned painter obviously but I have a hold on it. It is not that complicated. Also I feel like a large part of at least my frustration with digital, but I see a lot of people do this too, is traditional mediums look cool and it’s hard to replicate it in a way that looks natural digitally. Like everything you do is so standardized and calculated there’s very little room for natural variation. Even with a brush that’s meant to be random or sporadic or replicate paint or water colors or charcoals or whatever, it’s a formula. It’s a mathematical line that will always behave based on strict settings. Paint does whatever the fuck it wants, and that’s part of the fun! You get fun textures and layers and interactions between materials you didn’t necessarily expect, and once you figure out why and how that happens, you can manipulate it more. But it’s still going to have some aspect of unpredictability. Oh fuck I hit the character lim

#anyways. #if you’ve only ever drawn on paper or worked digitally. maybe try painting #its fun :) and very much not as hard as i feel like people make it out to be #look up some youtube videos and set up a canvas #follow a skillshare class idk #i think having a professional painter to instruct me helped with understanding the basics and being able to run from there #ive fucked around with like cheap micheals paints. two or three times my entire life #not for many years. #and i never liked how it looked lol so i think having some level of instruction helps #also quality paints are in fact worth it sad i know #but i needed more of one of my blues and got a cheaper hue one and it takes significantly more paint to get the color i want so. get the #good ones #paints are complicated to buy theres a lot of hues and tints and other vocabulary i don’t understand #my prof set us up w a pre made kit that had a handful of Good tubes of paint so we just mix anything that isnt a primary #you dont need a ton of tubes you just need the foundation ones its not like markers where you need every color #i just. its fun to learn a new skill and i like talking about things that interest me #its also helping my personal art like my digital stuff #not that theres like directly applicable skills they are very much their own beasts #but learning color theory is in fact helpful #and learning to consider things and take your time #and just. branching out #im rambling again #ARGHHH I WANNA TALK ABOUT PAINTING #its fun :) never thought id be into it and here i am #friendship ended with digital painting is my new best friend #jkjkjk digital is nice #i think painting owns my heart now thi #i promise im not being pretentious about it

[ofsnipcr-blog]

Musings time! (Basically, be ready for quite some rambling because I'm having a Shinya moment)

Ok so, i have never done this kind of thing, but I was scrolling through tumblr and suddenly I had a Shinya moment, or just call it epiphany, if you wish? Anyway, in spite of all those who just consider him a pure little soul, a precious cinnamon roll to protect (okay maybe protecting him wouldn’t be a bad idea?), I just wanted to focus on how really strong and potentially dark this character is. Gonna put it under cut because it’s really long, so read at your own risk…

       You all may now go back to your lives, thank you for your attention (/.\)

#° character development ° #long post #like really long post #it's more like an essay #i'm deeply sorry guys #also of course these are just my thoughts basing on what i know until now #it may change if we see more development in the manga #ok i'll run away to hide somewhere now #really thank you to whoever decided to read all that #shinya hiiragi

[graceivers]

Review #27 - Holding Fire

Holding Fire Author: April Hunt Genre: Bodyguards, Contemporary Romance, Military, Romantic Suspense Rating: ★★★★ Recommendation: give it a shot; once was enough Summary: A unknown but potentially deadly threat on Elle Monroe’s life results in the hiring of Trey Hansen and his fellow Alpha Security team to become her bodyguards. Of course, this all comes to light after Elle and Trey have had a one-night stand of sorts. And though Trey doggedly chases after Elle, the latter is not too keen on entering a committed relationship when she’s been burned before.

Female Lead: I love Elle for almost all the reasons Trey loves Elle. For nearly thirty years, she’s been the submissive type that does everything that is asked of her. The majority of her life has been about keeping up appearances and being the faithful and dutiful daughter or girlfriend/fiancée for people who basically use her in any way they can to move up the ranks in their political aspirations. And why does she do it? For some sorely needed affection that Elle knows all too well that she’s not going to get. And yet for years she continues to live her life under the control of her father. This is an honest and genuine part of her character; this is relatable; this makes Elle human and real to me. So when she reaches her breaking point and removes herself from her father’s control, I love and support her all the more. It takes courage and strength to stand up for herself even in this type of situation that people might scoff at, but Elle is adamant that she’s going to live her life on her terms now even at the age of thirty, and I couldn’t be more proud of a fictional character.

It’s so clear why Trey loves Elle—the qualities he finds attractive in her. She is sweet but she’s also strong. She’s kind and caring and instinctually helps those in need. Even when Elle decides to take control of her own life, she still puts others before herself, and that’s admirable. She’s still insecure, though. After being cheated on, knowing how men can treat women so horribly, Elle is rightfully apprehensive about committing to another relationship. She has fears, and sometimes those fears are the ones actually controlling how she’s living her life. But in the end, it’s the good in Elle that wins out. Her good qualities far outweigh her insecurities, and that’s what makes Elle a solid female lead. Male Lead: Trey was cool, fine, a little one-note but still a good character at the same time. What I liked most about him was that he was pretty forthright most all of the time. Other than withholding some information from Elle regarding the threat against her and subsequent safety measures, the character is known for telling it like it is as noticed by just about everyone in the book. I mean, a guy that actually wants to talk and communicate? That’s kind of refreshing, and I thoroughly enjoyed that Trey had no unnecessary secrets or traumatic background hindering his ability to move on and work toward a future.

The reason I think Trey is a little one-note is because I felt like Hunt alluded to stuff in Trey’s background/childhood that could’ve been a little more character revealing, but I didn’t think it was really expanded upon. Maybe I just didn’t read closely enough, but I felt that there was definitely something in his childhood that wasn’t all that great—despite good parents—and yet Hunt never fully expressed what that was and whether or not it had a major impact on Trey’s character and/or his relationships with his family and/or other people. Again, it could have been given Trey a little more depth, but all in all, he’s a pretty good character. And he clearly loves Elle in the right way, so I can’t complain too much. Plot & Writing: Despite taking much longer than I anticipated to get through this book, Holding Fire was a solid, above average, pleasantly surprising read. This is another bodyguard and romantic suspense book done right with the threat on Elle’s life consistent and persistent throughout the book while also complimenting the romance. Most of the book was great, but there were some moments that made me pause—both in good and bad ways.

So, I’m going to skip right over to the big fight between Elle and Trey that was the semi-pinnacle of the whole story and how it was resolved. The fight? I understand Elle’s fear—the main point that drove the argument and led to her subsequent decision being the fact that she is still slightly afraid of committing to a relationship when there’s something she just can’t give Trey: children. But then, when Vince, Trey’s friend, knocks some sense into Trey, he’s the one that ends up apologizing? That confused me a little. It was clear to me that Elle was indeed the one pushing Trey away even though she didn’t want to. So, why was Trey’s epiphany moment and magical ‘I love you’ the reason Elle took him back? But actually, that’s not even really the reason Elle took him back! Because she found out she was miraculously pregnant, and so because she was okay now, she would forgive Trey? This makes no sense to me. Even if Trey never told Elle directly that he loved her, it was very obvious that he only wanted her as evidenced by both his words and actions. I personally don’t think Trey was the one that needed to apologize nor do I believe that one magical ‘I love you’ solves all problems, which, again, it kind of didn’t.

And then let’s talk about that whole pregnancy situation. Honestly, I thought making Elle pregnant at the end was a huge cop out on Hunt’s part. Elle’s originally thought inability to have children played a small but significant role throughout the entire book. For Hunt to then just miraculously make her pregnant was wrapping up the ending with a big bow, and it was far too neat and kind of unrealistic. Again, referring to the previous paragraph, the pregnancy seemed to only make things okay for Elle because she could have children and give Trey a family. In my opinion, Elle should’ve been the one apologizing for pushing Trey away when he was clearly in love with her and didn’t care as much about having a family as having Elle in his life. But when Hunt put that surprise pregnancy in, for me it felt like the foundations of the argument were negated, which they kind of were because the foundation of the argument genuinely was about the fact that Elle couldn’t give Trey the life he wanted. So then that leads me to the question of why Trey still apologized in the first place. It’s this strange, never-ending cycle of confusion for me here. A little unfortunate since I really did enjoy this book, but I just couldn’t reconcile Hunt’s solution to the presented problem.

One thing I will say. Unprotected sex leading to a pregnancy? Yeah, that’s consequence for you. And yes, it’s understandable that they didn’t use a condom because they were both clean and Elle was pretty sure that she couldn’t ever get pregnant. But then she does! So, if I really wanted to stretch and look for the silver lining in the whole pregnant thing, I guess that’s it? That actions have consequences and a lack of condom can in fact result in pregnancy? Yeah… sorry, I just had to comment on that.

Oh, and also. Hunt did a very interesting thing with her sex scenes. Meaning most of them were actually faded out and not descriptive or explicit except for like one of them. At first, before I got to the descriptive one, I was very surprised that Hunt was kind of fading out those scenes. I have no issue with less explicit/faded out sex scenes, but I was just genuinely surprised given the kind of book Holding Fire appears to be. But then, when you actually get to the explicit scene, it kind of does make sense and is a little genius on Hunt’s part? Because she faded out all the other ones, it makes the one she does go into detail about all the more intimate and revealing. So, I guess kudos to Hunt on pulling that off. Secondary Characters & Plots: The Alpha Security team was super fun. I really did like all of them for the moments we got to see their personalities shine. My favorite from the Alpha Security team was probably Logan, so hopefully he gets a good book if Hunt continues to write for all of them in the series. I loved the relationship between Charlie and Elle. I loved the addition of Sophie, Trey’s mother. Elle’s father and ex were predictably horrible people, but they were adequately written. I’m happy that Elle had a solid friend in Shay, though we didn’t get to see much of that or her for that matter.

I’m pretty sure the whole ‘can’t have kids/pregnancy’ thing is considered a secondary plot even though I discussed it in the main writing section. Either way, I reiterate that I liked the addition of this subplot but again was disappointed with the way it was resolved as discussed above. Favorite Part(s): Uh, every time Trey tells Elle how much he wants her and how much she means to him? Seriously, I loved his straightforwardness. There were no secrets or games with this guy; no unnecessary angsty and emotional drama. I love angst, but Trey’s honesty and genuine pursuit of Elle was a breath of fresh air. Final Thoughts: Holding Fire was a fine read. Seriously, despite my ramblings in the above paragraphs, I did enjoy the book. It was a solid romantic suspense storyline and generally good writing by Hunt. Good characters, good bodyguard moments to get your fix, and enjoyable overall. I would recommend if you’re into this genre.

#book: holding fire #author: april hunt #genre: bodyguards #genre: contemporary romance #genre: military #genre: romantic suspense #rating: four stars