#fuck im crying again aaagh

[mugirmu]

in honor of the one-year anniversary of episode 141's airing (yesterday but its 3am so hush) it's DEEPLY missing the mighty nein hours

#im a MESS #and absolute MESS #im not gonna put it all here but i just did a lot of introspection on my... difficulty to move on? from campaign 2 and how that might be a #reason why i am/have been struggling so hard to get into exu and campaign 3 #i really want to give c3 another shot as ive only watched the first few episodes and i REALLY want to watch exu calamity #its just. hard. for grief suffering reasons (yes thats the right word for my stuff for additional personal reasons) #but i dont want to just have current critical role not be a part of my life anymore. i cant fucking stand it #i adored vox machina when i was watching it before c2 came out and i still do #and c2 and the mighty nein literally was a core pillar of my life. for Years. and theyre so important to me and idk what i wouldve done #without them in my life when they were here #and i miss them really bad and a part of me wants to go back to the time when c2 was still airing #but i can manage and catch up with the rest of the fandom and have fun again with all these new characters #i dont doubt that i'll love the bells hells when i just give them a chance and i think now's that time #i want thursdays to be exciting again. i want to liveblog with mutuals again and nonstop share amazing fanart and meta and fanfic #fuck im crying again aaagh #ill always carry the mighty nein and their story in my heart because they were and are so so important to me literally changed my life #maybe i should make a true appreciation post soon but not rn #idk i guess i needed to put these thoughts somewhere #thanks cr for being amazing and beloved #thanks mighty nein

[axolot-of-ideas]

i want Series to shoot Bad with like a dart gun or something

and as Bad is screaming at them because WHAT THE FUCK SERIES-

they’re just like “Stop crying its not that bad i shot myself with it and it didn’t even break skin”

“WHY WOULD YOU SHOOT YOURSELF- AND OF COURSE IT DIDNT BREAK SKIN YOU DONT HAVE SKIN YOU ROBOTIC BITCH-“

“oh” *shoots Bad again*

“AAAGH-“

counter scenario is Bad shooting Series as a distraction

And Series gently lowering themselves to the floor and then making their eyes red X’s and sticking their tongue out

they say “bleh im dead” whenever someone pokes them

Everyone else genuinely believes their dead

#minesona rambles #i’ve been reading vigilante tommy crack fics #ignore me #but it’d be funny

[afriendofhanguangjun]

BRI’S BIG LIST OF 3ZUN FIC RECS

a few people on twitter expressed some interest in my 3zun rec list so here are some of my faves! this isn’t separated by ship but by the kind of fic. there are some i didn’t rec because i can’t rec them in good conscience even though i like them. YEAH

THEY WIN I PROMISE (or: happy ending fics)

there is just one thing i need by MonocerosRex. modern au, rated G, 11k! primarily nieyao, but it’s 3zun. nieyao go on a cross-country road trip to pick up lan xichen from the airport. it is SO FUN, i laughed SO MUCH. the nieyao dynamic is DELIGHTFUL

just one kiss (for our fake date) by thefaceofno. 4k, rated T, modern au! xiyao. jgy brings his friend lan xichen as his fake boyfriend for a family gala. somewhere along the line, he forgets to mention the word “fake” to xichen. the misunderstandings are really fun and cute! 

you seem, secretly, to love everything by jelendra. 11k, modern au, M, 3zun but the focus is on a nieyao get together. it’s part of a big series but tbh i havent read the rest of the series. but THIS ONE is that lan xichen is dating jgy and nmj separately and wants them to date each other! meng yao feels really weird about this. 

Synced by theherocomplex. T, 23k, nielan, space au! nmj and lxc become partners to explore a little satellite planet. featuring fun mental bonds and AMAZING wordbuilding. the atmosphere is so quiet here. i love the vibes

soaring, carried aloft on the wind by skadiseven. E, 68k, nielan, au! lan xichen is forced into an arranged marriage with “”””warlord”””” nie mingjue and finds out that there is more than he had initially assumed about the people who are invading his kingdom. AMAZING prose, the worldbuilding is so fun, the fic itself is so soft and sweet. if you want to be sold on nielan this fic sure will sell you! 

holding off the rust by me! :3c 3zun, 3k, T, modern au. jgy THINKS he’s cheating on nmj and lxc with each other. he is wrong. it’s a good time! 

Becoming Prom King in Ten Easy Steps: A Guide by Jin Guangyao by me. 3zun, 40k, modern au, T. jgy wants to become prom king and schemes his way to the top. along the way he gets some boyfriends. this is a teen comedy movie in fic form. 

Nevermore to Leave also by me! nieyao, 17k, canonverse, rated T. meng yao’s first 100 days as the vice general of the nie sect. he learns how to be safe and the nie bros eagerly adopt him. lots of family content! 

FOR A GOOD OL’ CRY (bittersweet fics!!!)

to exist, in reaction by autoclaves. 6k, modern au, T, nielan with past xiyao. lan xichen learns to handle his grief of losing the husband he thought he knew thanks to the help of a plant shop, two cats, and the cute man who keeps coming into his shop. this made me tear up ;u;

tell me what I already know by daughterson. M, 9k, modern au, nielan with past xiyao. the entire series is AMAZING but this is the flagship fic and its honestly one of my favorites. lan xichen cheats on his husband nmj with one of the students at his university. he learns to deal with the fallout. it is heartbreaking and amazing and AAAGH JUST. AAGH!!!! LAN XICHEN AH LAN XICHEN!!!

to hoard promises that could sniff out the lie by Mayarene Rose. 3zun, 50k, T, pacrim au. please. my god. if you’re gonna read any fic on the list, read this one. i don’t know shit about pacific rim and i loved this. it cycles between their povs and it is AMAZING. it GETS the 3zun dynamic so well. im choked up thinking about it. the epitome of “they’re in love and it wasn’t enough.” 

favor by venndaai. T, 30k, focus is xiyao but 3zun is important too, hunger games au. WIP!!! this makes me SO emotional. meng yao volunteers in nie huaisang’s place and meets lan xichen in the games. im miserable over this. the prose is gorgeous and i don’t know where it’s going but i am delighted to see where! 

MY LOVE IS THE KILLING KIND (BAD END FICS)

the ruins left inside of you by aroceu. M, 26k, canon divergent au. 3zun, focus on nieyao. technically a jennifers body au. this is one of my favorite 3zun fics of ALLLLLL time. its a GREAT character study of nmj and how a demon whose power you absorbed for your own and an evil spirit that you let corrupt your soul arent all that different in the end, huh!!! the ending is so tasty. my god. i love this one.

Cry a river, call it rain by rheawrites. 2.6k, E, modern au. jgy kidnaps xichen. that’s it. that’s the fic. i love it

qinghe triptych by bloodletter. E, 3 part series, canonverse mostly nieyao but part three is sangyao and mosang. 40k total. a three-part examination on the qinghe trio and a three-part breaking of my heart. each fic is gutting and beautifully written and UGHHHHHH I DONT HAVE THE WORDS I JUST WANNA WAILLLLLL

there is the way the air feels by nenyanaryavilya. 9k, xiyao, modern au. E jgy visits lan xichen in his big lonely manhattan apartment. some FUCKED UP xiyao vibes that i love a lot, thanks. 

The Mountain Stood So Large by esperra. 16k, M, canonverse. very 3zun.  two weeks before nmj’s death, lxc and jgy take him on a night hunt. what follows is some light horror, a lot of hallucinations, and a character study on what it feels like to be unable to trust your own mind. 

Obligation by ilgaksu. 53k, rated M, 3zun at different points. canonverse. WIP. ON HIATUS a CUTTING jgy pov fic. non-linear timeline, but cuts across different points of canon. jgy is just a fucked up little man and it’s delightful to read. the prose is UTTERLY beautiful.

GETTIN DOWN WITH 3P (you can extrapolate what that means for urself)

Past Tense, Present Perfect by nonplussed. canonverse, around sunshot...? kind of a fix it fic. 6k, E. 3zun. 3zun get down to some fun roleplay and learn how to communicate with each other along the way! there’s a lot of fun identity stuff with this one. i am a sucker for dom jgy

softly by isozyme. E, 3.5k, canonverse. nieyao. jgy breaks nmj’s d*** for fun and profit. they’re so in love. that doesn’t make anything better. the vibes are terrible and i love it so much

études (in a minor key) by bigspoonnoya. E, 9k, modern au, xiyao with past (?) nieyao. jgy shows up on a repressed lan xichen’s doorstep one night saying that nmj broke up with him. lxc tries to comfort him and then he Comforts him ;) jgy is an absolute piece of shit here. i love it. the ending is GUT WRENCHING. part 3 of the series is also good!

half cloak & half dagger by fahye. 13k, E, canonverse. jgy and lxc are happily married but sometimes a gremlin has to scheme his way into a good bang, yknow???? its SO funny and the jgy pov is SO good

the notes on an old mistake by esperra. 26k, series. mostly nieyao but it turns into xiyao and 3zun. nmj and jgy are exes who end up sleeping together again... and again... and again..... if you love bad decisions you’ll love this series. jgy gets together with lan xichen and then ropes nmj into a terribly negotiated polycule.

ok thats all of them that i am brave enough to rec haha

#fic rec #3zun

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Me? Combine two soulmate AUs and add in an animal hybrid AU????

Of courze, buckle up buddies this is gonna be a bit if a bumpy ride

Dream soulmate/soulpairs AU/Soulmate Ribbons AU/Animal Hybrid AU

Dream: Basically like last time you cant control when you visit, you cant see them, you cant say your name or where you're from. But this time its a legit group dream. In the dream your soulmate(s) will have a ribbon around them apposed to the simply blurred soulpair(s)

Ribbon/animal hybrid: with the ribbon au it ties in with the animal for the most part. You're born with a ribbon tied around your animal feature, whether it be at the base of a fluffy wolf tail, the end of a cat/lemur tail, at the base of cat ears/bunny ears, on any type of horns. Regardless of where it happens to be tied, it cannot be removed, it can be burnt or singed but it cant be cut or removed. The color of your soulmates nation appears after you meet your them, and you can then see the color of yours around them during dreams

So basically Zuko's 12th birthday he goes to sleep and in his dream there are three people with one surrounded by a pale white ribbon.

"H-hello?" He called out.

"Hi!" A cheery voice called out

"Im assuming you're all.. not my soulmate, because I'm 8" a slightly annoyed young girl called

"Your a soulfriend for me!" A chipper Boys voice broke through, the voice of the bright figure

"Uhm, I know I can't know your names, but I'd like to be able to distinguish between all of you... uhm,"

"Call me Bandit" the younger girl called out

"You can call me Oshi"

"And uhm..."

"I'll call you turtleduck" zuko interrupted him

"What? Why that?"

"Uh, well, I have a turtleduck pond by my home and I like it there, and uh, your my soulmate so..."

"Oh! Uhmm... what should I call you?" The boy paused a moment

"Sunshine? Maybe?"

"Yeah! Sunshine!"

"Alright, so, Bandit, Oshi, Turtleduck, and Sunshine?" Oshi piped in

"Yeah," bandit hummed "by the way, whats a turtle duck?"

"Ill show you one whe-"

"Im blind"

"What? Oh, im sorry, I didnt know. Well, if we ever meet I'll let you hold one. I'm sure it'll get the idea across."

"Youre blind?! That sounds so cool! I bet your other senses are heightened" Oshi chirped at the thought

"Yeah, and so is my bending! I can see with me bending, but im not too good at it yet"

"You're a bender? I dont know if we can find out what kind" Turtleduck mused

"Let me try... im an earthbender!"

"Woah! Cool! So you use earthbending to see?" Zuko questioned

The rest of the dream was fairly blurry to him. He ran to his mom to talk about his dream, going on about Oshi, Bandit and Turt; he shortened turtleduck because well, he wanted to.

They dont meet up until later that year, after his mother had left him he was found crying

"Sunny?" He heard Bandit call out

"Huh!? Oh hey guys, sorry, im fine" he sighed "I- I lost my mom just last week"

They all comforted him and then pulled the conversation to different topics, Turt talking about going hunting with his dad and getting hit wolf tail caught on a fishing line. Bandit talked about her earthbending and how she learned how to use her badger tail to bend as well. Oshi all the while hovered as close as the dream would let her, it felt similar to a motherly protection and he appreciated it greatly.

The next time they saw eachother was about two nights after his banishment he was found pouting but quickly came out it the pout when he heard Turt calling out

"SUNNY! Sunny! Hi! Oh Tui! Hi Bandit! Hi Oshi!"

"Hey Turt!" The girls called out "Sunny, whats got you down?"

He sighed "i left the firenation today"

"Woah woah, hold on, why did you leave- oh were you from there? Why would you leave?" Oshi pried.

"Uhm, I was banished for losing an agni kai against my dad"

"An Agn- thats a firebending duel! Your still just 13!" Turt cried out

"Yeah, well, my dad doesnt care about that, he made sure I'd remember that by burning me, now i have to find the avatar before I can return home"

Their conversation lasted for what felt like several blurry hours. When he woke it was to Iroh walking in with some tea. Zuko shot up and managed to get his blanket caught in his horns "AAAGH!" He growled out "help... please" iroh simply chuckled and untangled the blankets from Zuko's horns

"How was your sleep nephew?" Iroh asked as he started to pour them some tea, handing Zuko his cup.

"I talked to Oshi, Bandit and Turt again" he mumbled while bringing the cup to his lips and blowing some of the steam away.

"Thats good, were you able to discuss your banishment? I'm not sure if the dreams will let you, my soulmate and I have never met nor have we ever left our nations"

"Yeah, I was able to tell them everything, well the banishment and" he motioned to his now healing eye wound.

They had met a few more times over the next three years, Oshi revealing that she has a lion tail that is most certainly not as clumsy as Turt's consistently caught wolf tail.

About a week after Zuko arrived at the southpole and managed to lose the avatar there was another dream

"Sunny!" Turt sounded angry

"Uh, y-yeah?"

"You visited my tribe today" the ribbon around Turt was red

"Oh, uh yeah, I'm sorry. Did I hurt someone, I wasn't trying to, I just needed to grab the avatar"

"YOU DONT NEED THE AVATAR SUNNY!" Turt was fuming "youre chasing the avatar for what? The love of an abusive father?"

"Hes no-

"He is Sunny! I dont know the full extent of it. But if he broke your horn, burnt you, and then BANISHED YOU all for speaking out of turn, then that spells abusive!! That level of abuse and your level of wanting to be back says clearly that you were neglected and abused, what the FUCK Sunny!"

Zuko was frozen but it wasnt silent

"We've been trying to tell you this Sunny, your dad is terrible and you deserve actual love, your uncle is a much better dad than him, and you know it" Oshi piped up

"Yeah, I know but-"

"And! If I ever get my hands on him, it'll be his last day alive. Mark. My. Words" Bandit cracked her knuckles

The dream went on for a while longer with the trio eventually convincing Zuko he shouldn't search for his fathers love by capturing the avater. Turt managed to convince him to join forces with the avatar the next time he saw them. The next time he met up with the avatar was on Kyoshi Island, where he entered the town without his armor or helmet, and instead wearing casual garmets.

"What are you doing here Zuko?" Katara growled at him with the hairs on her tail standing on end. Aang was behind her with his lemur tail flicking angrily.

"Well, im not here to capture you if that's what you think. I came to join you"

"Why would we ever believe that?" Aang's voice was nearly as angry as Katara's

Sokka was beside Katara in a similar stance but had yet to respond

"Well, I honestly don't expect you to believe me, unless any of you happen to be Turt, Oshi or Bandit." He paused "look I was burnt and banished at 13 by my own father just for speaking up in a war meeting about how cruel it was to sacrifice new recruites for a bigger win, and my father sent me out to find the avatar." He sighed "i would have continued but Turt and Oshi managed to help me understand where I was wrong in thinking and made me see just how abusive my dad is"

"Sunny?" Sokka finally spoke but was matched with one of the Kyoshi warriors

"Huh? I mean, yeah they call me that, wait are you Turt?" He then turned to the warrior and saw the lion tail "Oshi!?" He stepped back in a moment of surprise.

"Oh my gods Sunny what the hell!" The wolf and lion laughed

"Wait, Zuko is the Sunny you've been talking about!?" Katara and Aang said in unison.

From there out Zuko was a part of the team. Suki having to stay behind for the time being. The group traveled via Appa or by boat. Katara, Sokka and Iroh having lengthy in depth conversations about waterbending and pai sho. He may or may not have been making an attempt to recruit them both slowly but surely.

When they met Toph she put two and two together so fast. "You're Sunny and Turt!" She exclaimed before they duo could introduce eachother

"Wait! Bandit!" Thay said in unison

"The one and only Blind Bandit!" She said proudly.

After meeting with her Zuko became acquainted with a chaotic good type younger sister as apposed to his own chaotic evil. Toph would often launch herself into his shoulders, grab his horns and say "onward noble dragon steed!!" Which he didnt mind so he never complained much.

Let's fast forward to the desert. While Sokka Aang and Katara went into the library to explore, Zuko and Iroh stayed behind with toph to protect Appa, when the Sand benders arrived while the Library was sinking the two firebenders fought off the sandbenders until the trio emerged and they ran off. Zuko, however had fought practically tooth and nail to keep appa there, dodging sand and blasting fire to distract the benders when they tried to use the sand beneath his feet against him. He collapsed from the exhaustion of not only fighting with a dozen benders in their element, but also the heat of the sun. Iroh on the other hand asked Katara for a bit of water to make sure he didnt collapse as well.

"Zuko!" Aang cried out when he watched Zuko collapse in the sand. They all got back on Appa and made their way out of the dessert.

Not long after they stopped at a small body of water to rest and wash up Appa so he wouldn't be shedding and attracting anyone Zuko taking a hot minute to get his strength back. They were approached by a couple who happened to have a baby on the way and Zuko nudged Aang "we should take them with us, yknow, spread some joy"

So they flew the couple with them to Ba Sing Se with them. They managed to get in to tell the earth king their invasion plan, as well as taking down the dai li with the proof of the drill right outside the wall. Without having the advantage of the Kyoshi disguises Azula didnt manage to gain the upperhand against Ba Sing Se, and in turn she had no idea about the invasion plan. Aang had his crisis at Ember island before the invasion and met the lion turtle just before they had to leave.

When the invasion began Zuko and Aang both went off to the city, Zuko in his blue spirit get up with his swords on his back literally being dangled in the air by Aangs weirdly strong ass tail. When the landed on the roof, it was still a bit until the fire kicked off. So they were dodging fire balls while running towards the palace, however right before they went into the throne room Azula appeared. She went to shoot fire but was shocked to see no fire come out. Aang smirked and bended the earth around her to keep her in place.

They went in to Ozai, Zuko drawing his swords and Aang readying himself to fight a powerful bender who possibly had skills other than bending. But they were met with a practically powerless man who didn't take long to defeat, taking his life wasn't the option, however, Aang knew that, and so he took his bending away, to the absolute awe of Zuko who watched the blinding light for a moment before shielding his eyes.

After the success of the invasion Iroh took the throne when Zuko told him he was simply not ready. However Iroh made a deal with him, he would be firelord for all of 5 years, set the ground work for Zuko and let his nephew take up some studying in the other nations as well as his own to figure out how he would rule after the 5 years were up.

And he did, he gathered as much information from the other nations, all with Sokka joining with him. He spend a year at the south pole, helping rebuild the place, he spend a year at the northpole studying the scrolls available, he spent a year going to each large earth kingdom city, and then he spent his fourth year in the firenation reading every scroll he could. One night while in his room reading through a pile of scrolls he leaned onto Sokka's shoulder for support, but Sokka took the scroll out of his hands "alright enough reading for you tonight, come on little dragon its bedtime"

Sokka's tail was absentmindedly wagging side to side as he helped his soulmate undress and get into more comfortable clothes, of course getting the cloth stuck on those pesky horns a couple times. But soon they were both laying in bed with Zuko resting his cheek against Sokka's chest while Sokka ran his fingers through his hair.

They could stay like this forever. And wouldn't you know it, after Zuko took the throne he proposed to Sokka and the two were soon married, the Wolf and the Dragon.

At the wedding Toph and Suki were the first to show up, bringing gifts, Suki gave them a pair of gold fans, one with a turtleduck on it and the other with a sun on it. Toph on the otherhand had brought a dagger with a dragon carved on the blade and a wolfs head on the handle.

>another marraige wrap up? Of course, its me what else would I do?

#RayMakesSoulmates #i will die on my endless soulmate au hill #soulmate alternate universe #soulmates #ambassador sokka #atla sokka #sokka x zuko #sokka #atla zuko #prince zuko #zuko #zukka #fire lord zuko #suki #atla toph #toph beifong #canon who? #lets throw the whole canon away shall we? #canon divergence

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

#bunni is gone #alas #mourn they #soon to be departed from the web

[blookmallow]

WELL......shit got real VERY fast :’ ) 

------

i like the spooky lil dark transition sprite when you’re walking through to the next screen 

oh.....thats. the computer thing, then, it’s the Tower Entity, 

this faded when i tried to screenshot it but it is still VERY good 

i am SO glad i got to give them pancakes, 

NO!!!!!! NO NO NO NO NONO N ONN N

IT WONT LET ME IM SORRY 

FUCKER DONT TELL THEM THAT 

IM HERE!!!!!!! IM RIGHT HERE NO 

STOP LYING TO MY CHILD 

i dont like this at all this is wrong 

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

noNONONONONO FUCK YOU 

after this every time you load the game back up its just. niko asleep in the bed, the computer dark, and absolutely nothing you can do 

however, my desktop had mysteriously changed again (i had to throw all the trash everywhere into a folder to be able to even see it lmao my computer’s a disaster but) 

HM

hang on what is

(the README didnt have anything super interesting in it, just some credits n such) 

the clover opens a window with nothing other than an X and a white clover logo but if you open the game with that on

aaAGh,

well yeah you werent exactly being very subtle about it 

wait fuck 

WOAH HECK!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS WILD

oh 

dont break the sun, got it 

,,,,,,o h

the. sun has to be shattered for niko to leave. i can only save the world or save niko. fuck

now the TV’s doing glitch patterns and static at me i swear if a pink ghost named angela shows up im gonna cry

get AWAY FROM ME 

what

i mean it’s. A Game, which the entity seems to know, hence. nothing in it Really Mattering/etc It’s Not Real ANyway but is that all this is...referring to, 

nnNNNN

that’s........that’s not an option i can’t do that. i can NOT do that 

i....feel like they deserve to understand what’s going on 

but then that also leaves them in the position of having to cope with the guilt of choosing to end an entire world for the sake of their own happiness which. that’s no choice for a child to have to live with. they have to bear the weight no matter what but it seemed wrong to lie to them or not tell them 

: ( i dont know 

but theres only one thing i can do

THEY WALKED RIGHT OUTTA THE SCREEN!!!!!! LOOK AT THAT!!!!!

: ( 

then. if you try to run it again you just. get this and it shuts off 

one shot 

:’   ) 

however: this aint over yet 

continuation in the next post when i get around to making it 

also its interesting that. the entity said that niko doesnt belong to this world and rightfully shouldn’t be there, but without them the “world” can’t open/can’t be accessed, they’re a vital piece of the program so they....are part of it, 

hm

#lucy plays oneshot