#girl these laws are being introduced regardless..wake the fuck up

[coyoxxtl]

btw i will unfollow people who will insist on voting for biden next election cycle.

#i honestly cannot conceptualize seeing this happen and not want to vote for him again. #just bc this piece of shit is a democrat yall will let this fucking slide #yall rly think he shouldn’t experience consequences for this? #that he shouldn’t experience a decrease of support? why? because hes a fucking DEMOCRAT? COMEON #again. selfish as fuck for yall to ignore this because he MAY create better policies for queer folk and other citizens #AMERICAN citizens #you dont give a shit about the international citizens our country destroys #so u will vote for this genocidal freak just so we MAY have less anti abortion laws? so that we MIGHT have less anti trans laws??? #girl these laws are being introduced regardless..wake the fuck up #txt

[riverdale-retread]

Riverdale S3 E13

-  Episode opens with Jughead waking up from sleep. I just can’t get enough of these scenes.  To begin with he’s out cold, mouth open.  I don’t think I’ve seen very many instances of zonked-out-open-mouth sleeping on tv (unless it’s really exaggerated and intended to be comical). When he comes to consciousness Jughead has to do a quick drool check. Such a minute yet fantastic detail.  He hasn't woken up the same way twice in 50 episodes. I appreciate this.

- Archie picks up boxing. Except Archie isn't a sportsman. On top of sexual and academic ethics problems, he has severe sportsmanship ethics problems too.  Archie is in boxing just to hurt people. Coach Keller tries to talk to him about technique and Archie does not care. Son of Fred, how could you?  And also incipient rage that he presents himself as some sort of Savior of Riverdale Project Leader to the other three in S5.

- Jughead ‘invites’ Toni back into the Serpents and it takes all of Toni Topaz’s famous self control to not just lunge at his throat.  The Serpents die during Queen Betty tenure, and Toni has it exactly right to demand the Serpent Queen spot. I wish we got more information about what that is, but because Jughead doesn’t know, we don’t get to know either.  He seems to think that Serpent Queen is Serpent King Consort, but the way Toni talks about it here, and also later in S5, it’s not just about sitting pretty, blinking up at your boyfriend. 

- Regardless, Jughead has absolutely no intention of giving Toni a leadership position, which she says both directly and indirectly is what she wants, so his only other option is to denigrate the Poisons altogether.  All for what? Because he can’t bear to take anything away from Betty.  Jughead will ruin his organization, forsake all others, try to cozy up to literally crazy people and seek immunity from prosecution on behalf of drug runners before he takes anything away from Betty even if it’s not a thing she particularly gives a shit about.  I’m disappointed by Jughead, and this is an instance where intra-Bughead loyalty is harmful to a lot of people who are not Bughead. 

- Namely, people like the hapless Fangs and Sweet Pea (whom Cheryl calls Pea Brain - that’s a foul).   And I resent that Fangs and Sweet Pea abiding by old fashioned school ground rules - that muscular and/or big tall boys should not hit girls- and letting (because it really is LETTING) the Pretty Poisons beat them up gets them sneered at by Gladys. Also, way to go after low hanging fruit, Cheryl.

- Veronica is pro alcohol but anti drugs, and she’s not above fixing gambling games, and this is very letter-but-not spirit of law.  Veronica and Hermione trying to save each other from being murdered by Hiram is a metaphorical domestic violence household and it  disturbs me the more I think about it. 

- Josie, just like Valerie, has figured out that Archie can be bought. His price is $5K.  That’s why you should’ve fucking picked SWEET PEA.  Also, Betty so completely neglected Kevin (because of her low key homophobic dismissal of him as her ‘gay bestie’) and only seeks him out when she figures out a use for him for a personal need of hers (my mom, my sister).  And yet, AND YET, it’s Kevin that loses a kidney, because Protagonist Girl.

- Serpents, Gargoyles and Ghoulies.  FP cannot keep track of which one is which, and I can’t either.  Regardless, the Ghoulies don’t exist anymore and got absorbed by the Gargoyles.  

- KURTZ is introduced, and this psycho reptilian cretin is the nightmare version of Jughead, what he’d be like without the mediating influence of his love for Betty Cooper, what he’d be like without the Betty Cooper Loves Me swagger. They are weirdly alike.  Kurtz looks more like Jughead than Jellybean does.  Kurtz even has the same quavery barely-post-adolescent voice and oddball vocabulary as Jughead.  But his whole energy is more disassociated and unsettled, devoid of Jughead’s energetic intelligence and quick-tempered insouciance. And the fact that Gladys brings Kurtz home, as a sort of boss-mom, to the Jones’ residence only makes Jughead freak out massively. 

- Speaking of, was Gladys ever Serpent Queen?  Because she is awesome at being a criminal.  The first true grown up and professional that Veronica has ever met.

- I haven't been noting this but Josie is a wonderful singer. Loved her renditions ever since she became Headliner at La Bonne Nuit. The musical interludes add something when Josie is doing them.  Too bad she is too proud to go back to Sweet Pea. WHO WOULD FORGIVE HER if she says the right words. Come on Josie. How could you prefer the literally broken-faced Archie to SWEET PEA?

-Should Betty just have let Alice drown?? I kind of wish she had.

#justice for sweet pea #death to alice cooper #jughead jones #bughead #toni topaz was robbed #the once and future serpent queen #gladys jones #riverdale #riverdale recap #riverdale episode recap

[mihrsuri]

Okay I’m going to attempt to type up my entire current English Royal Family (1509-2020) in my Tudors OT3 AU universe. A note - I have like two-three of the spouses named and the kids names I have are the oldest mostly but I have done the monarchs \o/ And have mathed as best as I am able. Also this is Going To Be Long As Hell. 

Intro: so a short note. I see a lot of unofficial/official abdications happening because my rulers tend towards a longer life (mostly) so they kind of co-rule with their heir and their spouse/the heirs spouse because this royal family has (in the vast majority of cases) functional and excellent parenting game. Also they have a regnal name and a family/close friends name so I have included that name when I know it. 

Henry VIII (1491-1570) (ruled 1509-1570, unofficially abdicated 1556)

Anne Boleyn (1510-1600) (Queen 1533-1570/1556)

Thomas Cromwell (1505-1585) (Duke of Essex 1536-1585)

Thomas I (1536-1616) (ruled 1556/1570-1590/1616)

Co-ruler with his wife Mihrimah Sultan (1535-1616)

Thomas ‘Turhan’ II (1556-1626) (ruled 1590/1616-1626)

Married to Joan I of Scotland & Prince Consort of Scotland 

His oldest daughter Mary (Maryam) became Mary I of Scotland

Oldest son became Thomas III of England

Thomas ‘Tomas’ III (1574-1630) (ruled 1626-1630)

He didn’t get to rule in his own right for very long is all I know

Married a 

second son became king after his oldest child died

Arthur II (1610-1649) (ruled 1630-1649, but assisted his father and grandfather prior to that)

Deposed and executed in The Restoration Rising after they won the English Civil War 

Married to Queen Eleni, Princess of Ethiopia (Solomonic Dynasty)

Made his oldest daughter Charlotte heir regardless of whether she had any male siblings in the future 

Introduced a spate of solidified anti-empire/colonialist laws and entrenched universal democracy and human rights 

A Good Dude 

Charlotte ‘Askala’ I (1629-1700) (ruled 1657-1700 but reign is back dated to her fathers execution so generally 1649-1700)

England’s first Queen Regnant 

English Civil War (1642-49) led to her exile with her husband 

15 children 

Her husband is a Sudanese Prince 

Henry IX (1647-1720) (ruled 1700-1720, co-ruled with his mother from the 1680s)

He married a Vietnamese Princess 

Charlotte II (1700-1775) (ruled 1720-1775)

She married a Chinese Prince 

Henry X (1723-1780) (ruled 1775-1780)

Only ruled five years 

Died of influenza along with his wife and his mother 

Thomas IV (1750-1800) (ruled 1780-1800)

GAY AS FUCK. 

His only child became Queen 

Was BFFs with his wife who was a Giant Fucking Lesbian (she had a wife, he had a husband) and English-Algerian 

Anne I (1780-1819) (ruled 1800-1819)

Married an indigenous man from the country white people called Australia but is not called Australia in this world 

Died in childbirth aged 39 and her only child became Anne II

Anne II (1819-1901) (became Queen at birth but ruled in her own right from 1837 on)

Bought up by her father and her parents wife/mistress

Married to Lord Melbourne (who is English-Bengalese Muslim) 

Anne III (1840-1915) (ruled 1901-1915)

LESBIAN 

BFFs with her first husband (a Balinese Prince) with whom she had three girls 

Secondly married to her wife with whom she had a daughter and a son (her wife is trans Jewish and black I love her also she is the MOST ENGLISH)

Charlotte III (1865-1936) ( ruled 1915-1936)

married first to an Earl who turned out to be a Complete Dick. Had two sons, the second of whom turned out awesome. 

married second to a chef (who in my head is played by Jason Isaacs) and a dancer (who in my head is played by Michelle Yeoh) and they had four kids

Edward VI (1894-1972) (ruled for six months of 1936)

forced to abdicated due to being a restorationist dick

Thomas V (1900-1952) (ruled 1936-1952) 

second son 

married an Afghani Princess 

Elizabeth I (1929-) 

current queen from 1952

married an Irish-Norwegian Prince

four kids

Thomas ‘Taran’ Prince Of Albion (1949-)

Three children with Lady Diana Wake-Liddell

William ‘Will’ (1982)

Henry ‘Harry’ (1984)

Eleanor ‘El’ (1996)

Very happy marriage but Diana still died in a car crash in 1997

Diana came from a restorationist family (the closest they have to royalty), she ran with her younger siblings as soon as she could, met Taran when they were both studying Botany & History at Oxford. 

William ‘Will’ Duke of Cambridge 

Married to Catherine (a bisexual biracial Persian-Jewish woman) Narahari 

Four Children 

Edmund Henry Thomas (2013)

Maryam Elianna Diana (2015) 

Abbas Anthony Joseph (2018)

Niloufar Esther Padme (2022)

Henry ‘Harry’ Duke of Sussex 

Married to Meghan Markle 

Three children 

Dorian William James (2019)

Philippa Eleanor Catherine (2019)

Sofia Madalyn Diana (2022)

#tudor royal family tree #ot3: political power trio #tv: the tudors #lil and her ridiculous aus #questions welcomed! #I'm still working out details/names etc of the kids/spouses #catch me researching royal families! #fic #tudors ot3 verse reference

[deathishauntedbyhumans]

Fish Lawyers

FISH LAWYERS!!!

Alex ends up getting a new phone with Theodosia Sr’s old number, and Aaron has been texting said number since she died. Alexander responds, they introduce themselves, and Alexander attempts to keep up a wholesome conversation at 4 in the morning. (Hint: he’s not very good at it.) Contrary to the title, this is NOT an AU where AHam and Burr are fish who are lawyers. 

Stranger: [Modern AU. After the death of Theodosia Sr, Aaron continued to text her number as a way to keep up “communication” with her. Alexander was just given her old number. They don’t know each other.] Hey, Thea. I’m sorry, I know it’s been a while, but I think you’d be glad that I can get by a few days without pretending that I’m talking to you. Still, old habits die hard, I suppose, and I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over you. But I digress. After all, there is a reason why I’m messaging you today. Theodosia took her first steps! And them immediately fell flat on her face and started crying until I put Blue’s Clues on. I wish you could see her. She looks like you, and she’s already mastered the puppy eyes that you know I can never resist. You’d probably be able to take care of her better than I ever good. I miss you and I love you. -AB

You: Hello there. I don't mind if you continue to message this number, but I wanted to let you know that it was reassigned from the previous owner. Thea, I presume? AH Congratulations, by the way! First steps are very important! You should be proud :) AH

Stranger: Oh! I'm very sorry for disturbing you. If I had known it had been reassigned to someone who wasn't her, I wouldn't have. -AB

You: It's fine! Don't worry about it. Like I said, I don't mind it. It's sweet, the way you talk about your daughter. AH

Stranger: Well, she's a sweet girl, there's really no other way to talk about her. -AB

You: She sounds like it. You sound like a good father. AH

Stranger: I certainly do what I can, although I'm not sure if I can quite be classified as "good." -AB

You: What makes you say that? AH I don't think you're being fair to yourself. AH

Stranger: I just don't have as much time for her as I'd like. -AB

You: That's hardly a punishable offence. Lots of parents have to make sacrifices for their kids, including working for the money so that they're safe. AH

Stranger: I appreciate that you think so. But trust me when I say that I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to her. -AB

You: Are you trying, though? AH

Stranger: Absolutely, yes. -AB

You: Then you're doing the right thing. AH

Stranger: Thank you. -AB

You: It's a fact. You don't have to thank me. AH

Stranger: Factual or not, it's something I needed to hear. AB

You: Well, I guess you're welcome, then. Try not to be too hard on yourself. AH

Stranger: I'll try. AB My name is Aaron, by the way. AB

You: Alexander. AH It's nice to meet you. I say meet, but... Text, I guess, is a better word. So. It's nice to text you. AH

Stranger: You, too. AB

You: And really, if you ever feel like talking to Thea, I don't have to respond. You can still text this number, if you want. AH

Stranger: I appreciate that, but I think she'd be upset with me if I kept this up for much longer. AB

You: You'd know better than I would. AH

Stranger: And regardless, stopping pretending that I'm talking to her will probably help me move on. AB

You: You can tell me to fuck off it's it's too personal, but can I ask? About her? AH

Stranger: She was my wife. And she passed away when Theo was born. AB It'll have been a year soon. Two weeks. AB

You: My condolences. Losing the people you love is never easy. AH

Stranger: No. It's not. AB But I've got Theo. I'm alright. Or, I will be. AB

You: You will be. AH Theo is lucky to have you. AH

Stranger: Thank you. AB

You: ((Is a timeskip alright?))

Stranger: [totally!]

You: [two weeks from the date; sometime around three in the morning] You didn't give me a date, but I figured I would send you a message anyways. I hope you're holding up alright. AH Oh, shit. You're probably sleeping. My bad. Sorry if this wakes you up, man. AH

Stranger: No, I'm awake. And I appreciate that. It technically is today, actually, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to focus more on the fact that my daughter is turning one. AB

You: Oh. Good. I mean, not good, because it's late... Or technically, it's early, I guess. And you should be sleeping. But good, because I didn't wake you. AH I haven't slept in a while. AH Are you doing something special for her birthday? AH

Stranger: Probably more Blue's Clues. Maybe I'll throw in some Wonder Pets, if I'm feeling really crazy. AB

You: Both good choices. No party, though? A one-year-old's gotta party, Aaron. AH

Stranger: I know, I know. Maybe I'm being strict, but in my defense, she can't really articulate what she wants out of me yet. AB She can say "tree" and "red" and "fish" that's about the extent of it. AB

You: Well, maybe she wants a red fish! In... a tree? AH Sounds like some Dr. Seuss shit. AH She at least needs cake. Every kid has to smash cake on their face when they turn one. It's tradition! AH

Stranger: Is it?? AB I'll be sure to keep that in mind. AB

You: Of course! It's a very important milestone in every child's life, the cake-smashing. AH

Stranger: Then I'll have to get one later. AB

You: How weird would it be if I wanted to get your daughter a cake? AH

You: Is that too weird? AH

Stranger: A little. But I don't really mind. AB

You: Oh, thank god. I thought it was going to be weird. AH When it gets past the thirty-six hour mark, I tend to lose track of what functioning human beings are supposed to do. AH

Stranger: That's fair. Why are you up so late? AB Or, early, I suppose. AB

You: Working. AH That was descriptive. Man, I am out of it. AH I'm working on a paper. Lots of words. Gotta get them right. AH

Stranger: Ah. Fair enough. AB Should I leave you alone? AB

You: No. The words are still happening. Besides, I texted you. AH

Stranger: Still, I wasn't sure how long you wanted to be talked to. AB

You: I've been told I'm an asshole when I don't want to be bothered, so you'd probably know. AH I've been told I'm a lot of things, actually. Very colourful, very unique things. AH I really need better friends. AH

Stranger: If it makes you feel better, I don't actually have friends. At all. AB

You: You have one, at least. That's something, right? AH

Stranger: Do I? AB

You: I'm buying your daughter a cake. I think I can call myself your friend. AH

Stranger: Yeah? AB I'd like that. AB

You: Good. Because it's happening. AH How would you feel about taking care of a fish? AH

Stranger: I'm sure I could manage. AB

You: Good. Because I'm going to get your daughter a red fish, but since she's a little small, it'll probably fall on you to take care of it. AH Probably. Unless Theo is very advanced for her age. AH

Stranger: Not quite yet, no. AB You're being very generous. AB

You: Kids deserve all the spoiling they can get. AH I do what I can with my own son, but I don't see him often enough to feel like I'm actually making an impact. AH

Stranger: You have a son? AB

You: Oh, shit. AH I swear, I'm not some insane person who's not allowed to see their kid for reasons! I didn't mean to mention Philip. AH Yes, I have a son. The long story short is that I'm divorced and my ex-wife hates me and has custody. AH The short story sounds bad, but I swear I'm not a creep. AH

Stranger: I trust you. And I'm sorry that you don't get to see him more often. AB

You: Oh, thank god. I probably sound like an idiot. AH I made some stupid decisions and I was a really shitty person to her. My ex-wife. She deserves to hate me. I just wish I got to see him more often, y'know? AH

Stranger: Of course. I can't imagine what I'd do without Theodosia. AB And I suppose I'm not helping by saying that. My apologies. AB

You: No, no, it's fine! Totally fine. God knows I'm rambling enough. AH But that's enough about my sob story of a life. It's your daughter's birthday! You should be celebrating! AH

Stranger: Well, she's asleep at the moment. Thank god. AB

You: Ah. That makes sense. It's almost four in the morning. Normal people sleep at four in the morning. AH

Stranger: Yeah, I tend to notice that, too. AB

You: You should sleep. It's four in the morning. AH

Stranger: No, I'm working. AB

You: You're working? AH

Stranger: I am, yes. AB

You: What're you working on? AH

Stranger: A drunk driving case. I'm a lawyer. AB

You: Seriously? Me too! AH The lawyer part, not the drunk driving case part. AH

Stranger: Really?? That's one hell of a coincidence. AB

You: The world is a strange place, Aaron. AH A strange, strange place. AH

Stranger: No kidding. AB

You: I guess lawyers aren't normal people. AH

Stranger: They are lawyers, so I wouldn't think so. AB

You: Because normal people sleep at four in the morning, and we're both awake. AH

Stranger: And most people, I think, are unwilling to go through hours and hours and hours of law school, only to then go through hours and hours and hours of very similar material. AB

You: You have a point, I think. AH Most of my friends think I'm insane. Sometimes, I actually agree with them. AH

Stranger: I can see it, yeah. AB

You: I feel like I should be offended... AH

Stranger: You are the one who is offering to buy a stranger's daughter both a cake and a fish. AB

You: You'd be a stranger if I didn't know your name. I know your name: It's Aaron. So we're not strangers. AH

Stranger: A person who you've spoken to once before tonight. AB

You: A very nice person who misses his wife and loves his daughter and has no one else to spoil her for him. AH

Stranger: You're ridiculous. AB And very kind. AB

You: Ridiculous, I can concede to being. But I'm not kind. I'm just a person. Doing what a person would do. AH I'm personing. Person-ing. Being a person. AH

Stranger: Being a person works. AB And while that is technically true, I don't think many people would do this sort of thing. AB

You: They would. If they were the right sort of people. AH

Stranger: Unfortunately, I think the right sort of people are rather difficult to come by. AB

You: Words are strange. I think personing should be in the dictionary, don't you? AH I guess... But still. It's what people should do. Besides. Theo can say red and fish. What better way to further her learning than to give her a red fish? It's just logical, really. AH

Stranger: Of course. How could I have not thought of that before? AB

You: I don't know. It's a pretty bad oversight, in my personal opinion. Red fish today, lawyer tomorrow! AH

Stranger: That sort of implies that the red fish will become a lawyer. AB

You: Maybe it will! Who knows? Maybe in the future, all the best lawyers will be fish. We'll be out of a job. AH

Stranger: Yeah, I think that 4:30 am brain has settled in. AB

You: My brain is perfectly healthy. In fact, I feel like a whole new world of possibility has opened before my eyes. Fish lawyers! How has no one thought of this before?! AH

Stranger: A truly excellent question. AB

You: We should patent this. We could make millions. AH

Stranger: Brilliant. AB

You: [delayed; image attached: a very poorly drawn image of a fish standing on its fins, wearing a hat and carrying a briefcase. The image is grainy, the light is low] A million bucks. Right here. AH

Stranger: I love it. AB

You: Thank you, thank you. AH You can't see me, but I'm bowing. AH

Stranger: I should hope so. This is genius. AB

You: I am but a poor, humble genius, thankful that someone finally appreciates my true brilliance. AH

Stranger: It's impossible not to, with something as inspired as fish lawyers. AB

You: I can't believe it. All this time I've been focusing on civil rights, when what I should be dealing with is fish lawyers! All those sleepless nights for nothing! AH

Stranger: A damn shame, really. AB Ah, well. Better to realize it late than never. AB

You: Mm. I suppose you're right. AH

Stranger: You're a real artist, as well. AB

You: Now you're just trying to flatter me. I've never been an artist. AH

Stranger: Are you kidding?? That fish is gorgeous. AB

You: He's doing his best, that's for damn sure. AH

Stranger: It shows. You can see the emotion in his eyes. AB

You: All those wasted years, swimming around in his bowl. Or tank, I don't know. I'm not fish-ist. AH

Stranger: Maybe he's just working to get back to his oceanic roots. AB

You: D'you think so? That would be nice. AH

Stranger: A little fish in a big pond. AB

You: Better than being a big fish in a little pond. AH

Stranger: Very true. Poor guy wouldn't fit. AB

You: Speaking of! How big of a tank do you want? AH

Stranger: I mean, first of all, I don't really actually need a fish. AB

You: But your daughter does. It's her birthday present! AH

Stranger: And you're genuinely intent on getting this for her? AB Remember, she's one. It probably won't matter that much whether she has one or not. AB

You: I think it would be nice. Eliza's got a huge tank with tons of fish, and Philip loves to watch them swim around. AH I mean, obviously I'm not going to stick you with that kind of responsibility, but a little betta wouldn't be too bad. And it would still be fun for Theo to watch. AH

#FISH LAWYERS #this one just makes me smile #it's too pure #hamburr #hamburr rp #hamburr roleplay #hamilton #alexander hamilton #aaron burr #aaron burr human disaster #omegling #omegle rp #omegle roleplay

[horrorinreallife]

Pea. Sea. Pea.

*Quick note from my real, actual life on the reason for the title and photo for this blog which do not fit with the story at all (I just didn’t feel like making a creepy, horror graphic today, it’s Sunday. Take it easy. Plus, I wanted to share this old pet story because it popped in my head today.):

I had this adorable black and gold pet clown fish in college that did not do well transferring from the tank water from my college town back to my hometown water (I am certain I did it wrong. I basically murdered that poor clownfish.) before I moved to Chicago after graduation for my grand entrance into the working world. Someone told me that if your fish is not doing well to feed it a pea. Well, that unfortunately did not work and I had to bury my beloved pet in the backyard in a Tupperware container.

Very sad.

Also, why not just flush it like a normal person?

It was just a fish for Christ’s sakes!

Because his name was Herky and he was the cutest and best pet fish ever. 😢

ANYWAY.

Now onto a short yet still-rambling, “terrifying”, extremely fictional tale (it’s almost Halloween, I’ll have to retire this blog for awhile). Please, always keep in mind, this is fictional creative writing. In no current or alternate universe are any of these characters based on actual people. If you in someway relate to the villain (Tristan) in this story, however, HAPPY HALLOWEEN 👹

If you relate to Leesa, girl, you got this. We all fuck up and you are not stupid! I know tomorrow’s Monday. It was Halloween weekend. I know regardless of your profession you are going to wake up and want to pour alcohol into your pumpkin spiced latte on the way to work. You are only human for christ’s sakes! Get to bed at a decent hour tonight and fucking own it tomorrow. You. Got. This. Bitch.

OK. STORY TIME:

Tristan met Leesa years ago at a community gardening event. He was flush with cash from some involvement in the “local herb trade” which was actually run by a lunatic who you’d never suspect and had found a talent in spurring creativity amongst his eclectic and artistic friend group with a unique form of emotional abuse. He had “accidentally” driven a handful of them to suicide in the process, however rates of anxiety and depression have always been high amongst the people in that creative community, so there was absolutely no way for his involvement in their deaths to be proven.

He was also being paid quite handsomely for his work in between very real and very severe death threats from that lunatic you’d never expect at the head of the “local herb trade” who was actually receiving very real and very serious death threats from the main US distributor of not just “local herbs” but who was also facilitating an extremely complex worldwide narcotics trade who, believe it or not, was Leesa’s relative!

What in the actual fuck?! This is getting a little complex.

Anyway, Tristan was under a lot of other stress as well. His mother was RELENTLESSLY stalking him. He was a grown man who did have some obvious mental and emotional issues but she truly took it to the Norman/Norma Bates SLASH Ed/Augusta Gein realm. Which was unfortunate. I mean a passive young white republican male can only take so much of that mixed with constant unrelenting drug experimentation before just completely fucking snapping.

Anyway.

He had driven his friends to suicide by a very strange Clockwork Orange-esque type situation in which he’d invite them over to join him in friendly competitive video game play and YouTube video sharing however the video games and YouTube videos had been expertly and specially designed and then...

“Oh Christ. Are you seriously going to get into a thing about violent imagery and it’s supposed influence on the psyc...”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, calm down. There is no agenda here it is just a wacky story! Also, to be clear, these games and videos were in no way just violent or aggressive clips, they were actually specifically design... you know what, nevermind.”

Anyway, Leesa was new in town and was coming down from a very stressful situation AND a severe amphetamine addiction. SEVERE. She had developed the addiction after being sent in by the FBI to completely blow the bottom out of an illegal weight loss clinic in the Detroit suburbs.

The only problem? Those fucking pills worked like a charm AND made for some FUN AS FUCK weekends. Needless to say Leesa was unsuccessful at that mission. For some reason the FBI kept giving her chances though. A little unreal, but at this point they didn’t really know what else to do with her. She was too young to retire and having the knowledge and security clearance that she did, going back to civilian life was not feasible.

So, her next assignment was to infiltrate Tristan’s hometown and use her new drug addiction to uncover the main narcotics contact by networking with the “local herb trade”. She had a slight suspicion that it was going to lead her back to her relative though so she was pretty torn and just the slightest bit unmotivated to complete the mission.

Well, Tristan, 100% in the dark on her security clearance, knew she’d be perfect as his next muse so he set to work introducing her to his “special herb blend” and then seeing in what ways he might best be able to manipulate her emotions into creative expression. However, unlike the cooler, younger, hipper mellinial women Tristan was used to working with, Leesa did not give a fuck about Fallout Mindsweeper 4.1 nor any YouTube videos longer than 2 and a half minutes. Tristan became a bit frustrated.

By this point the FBI had also noted Tristan as a serious person of interest. In addition to his repeat offenses with the “local herb trade” and the mysterious suicides amongst his network, there appeared to be a constant overseas connection between his computer useage and an IP address at a last-known al-Queda hideout location that had since thought to be abandoned. So to be completely honest, they were ELATED when Leesa came in contact with him as they began PRAYING that she’d be Tristan’s next victim because they honestly could not deal with her incompetence and then they would finally have an obvious reason to take him in and confiscate all equipment.

Unfortunately Leesa would find a way to not die, yet again, and fuck the entire plan up.

UNREAL.

Anyway, Tristan, although EXCEPTIONALLY unstable, was no dummy. He started to suspect that perhaps Leesa was up to something, or somehow involved with law enforcement, due to her resistance to his methods and that she’d simply need to be taken out of the equation permanently to reduce the risk of his network being uprooted.

He just couldn’t quite figure out how.

She wasn’t having the proper fear response he counted on in order to successfully “encourage” the creative process and subsequent suicide he’d relied on previously with other creatives, and he considered being more direct with a means of murder, but did not want to get caught, of all times, by making a stupid mistake with this bitch.

Well, as you can imagine this went on for quite some time. Tristan even resorted to trying to pay someone else to take care of her exodus at a certain point so his superior wouldn’t murder him for putting them at risk for murder by the person above them (Leesa’s relative) but they couldn’t figure it out either.

Basically, because of Leesa’s repeated, devistating, and continuous complete fucking up of mission after mission she had basically become an expert at not one other skill than simply avoiding death. It was honestly a joke back at the DC office now that admins would take bets on which crazy fucking thing would Leesa both fuck up severely yet escape this month.

As a joke they actually temporarily got her a position working in a soup kitchen with an actual known serial killer. They simply needed him to commit one more crime while under constant surveillance so that they could convict and book him. Of course somehow Leesa managed to get fired for being stupid before he could murder her.

I am telling you this chick was more useless to the government than the Rural Electrification Act still being a thing today. Her survival was just so ridiculous at a certain point that they just had to keep her around for comic relief. They were saving tons of money they’d normally have to sink into development and then in recovery for an agent like this. I mean she fucking rarely even used the healthcare. They literally had her go in and check for a meth lab at an abandoned hotel in a rural Iowa town, she fell through rotted wood three floors, suffered a stress fracture in her hip, and just walked it off over a few weeks.

They had her infiltrate a prostitution ring, as bait, to out a local rapist/murder scheme, but she got drunk and way too into it and ended up having the time of her life. “You can’t rape the willing.” Yeah you can’t rape the stupid either!

They had her network with two actual known violent repeat assault offenders on work release who had shown signs of relapsing back into whatever happens when violent murderers decide they might want to start killing again and she just ended up starting a lawn care business with them.

I mean, what are you even supposed to do with that? Not save money on the dumbest yet most fiscally efficient employee in the history of the FBI!? I mean Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

Anyway...

STAY TUNED! IS TRISTAN EVER GOING TO GET CAUGHT? WHAT STRATEGIES IN STUPIDITY WILL LEESA CONJUR UP TO BOTH UNINTENTIONALLY BAIT HIM INTO MURDEROUS RAGE WHILE STILL MANAGING TO ESCAPE NARROWLY WITH HER LIFE? WILL THE FBI’S PLAN TO GET HIM SO PISSED OFF AT LEESA THAT HE STOPS ALL OTHER MURDER ACTIVITY ON OTHERS TO ONLY FOCUS ON TRYING TO KILL HER ACTUALLY WORK? WHAT ABOUT THE NARCOTICS ISSUE? I MEAN OBVIOUSLY AT THIS POINT LEESA HAS COMPLETELY FUCKED ALL OF THIS UP, RIGHT?

Anyway, you don’t have to stay tuned. This isn’t a to-be-continued.

Wacky story though, right?