#having the audacity to say im doing nothing but 'complaining' while fighting back on what im trying to explain to ya the systemic issues smh

[chaogongoozles]

// vent , journal?, letter to the void to a specific person? Whatever, if ya know ya know//

Didn't think I'd have a close pal choose to be a dirty fucking pig (cop) apologist knowing damn well everything they do and done to marginalized groups, all while trying to tell me "I don't support them!.. but also don't call my coworkers pigs that's disrespectful >:(" bitch??? Blow it out your ass, you wanna fuck around with the pig squad thinking you can 'be a good one' while still supporting them because you work with them? Fine by me, but you're not my friend or ever will be as long as you keep that bluelivesmatter mentality knowing damn well who I am, or who my partner is, or everyone close who has been directly affected by them. Already trying to say the 'negative talk' that cops get is what's the main issue in society™ without wondering WHY so many people fucking hate cops? Or thinking the horrible conditions prisoners are put in is the police 'being underfunded ' when that's by fucking design? Crying that people are calling you horrible shit for being a cop apologist? Boohoo cry me a river, that'll never be nearly as bad as the abuse and deaths millions of people (majority black or Native American) face from the hands of the police.

Damn fucking shame you listened to all the goons around you + those back at home who brought you and your amazing artwork down to the point you even had to work with dirty swine. Thinking that's the only way you can "help people" when you know damn well there's many more opportunities and positions that actually help people (even incorporating your art into it), but instead choosing the very thing that's suppressing us while throwing away your hard work/passions. Fuck you. If you're going to chalk up the horrors that are happening as "fake news/online garbage" or "dumb people recording cops and wondering why they're getting arrested", you're already too far gone.

RIP to the person I once knew and loved. Guess what they say is true, you either grow with friends from childhood/highschool or grow apart. We've obviously grown apart. So good bye.

#shutupchao #this month has been eventful but god damn ... #love it when my loved ones choose to be bigots while telling the nonbinary lesbian with their black nonbinary partner to stop hating cops... #like... you fucking serious rn? oh you are? damn alright guess you're my enemy now #so be it #that won't stop me from doing what i can to not only have a successful career but one that helps people while we dismantle this shit system #you say its impossible i say fuck you #I'll die trying and satan be damned I'll fucking fight back if you get in my way with your piggy squad #having the audacity to say im doing nothing but 'complaining' while fighting back on what im trying to explain to ya the systemic issues smh #this is enough im done im moving on this is weight off my fucking chest #12-7-2023 #acab #again the audacity to say people are recording dumb shit when they're recording for their safety #not to mention the thousands of videos of murders happening at the hands of cops but you gonna call those victims 'dumb'... you're sick

[dreamteamfanblog]

Controversial Opinion

But I really don’t appreciate Niki’s behavior.

Niki complained about being undervalued while using basically the least valued yet possibly hardest working person on the server (Tommy) as a scapegoat. During her ramble she blamed Tommy for all the worlds problems which is just incredibly unfair. Because Tommy and Tubbo are just the fucking babysitters of the whole Smp. They're constantly protecting and nurturing and looking out for the wellbeing of OTHER PEOPLE. I mean the wars they fight- and they've not only fought in but LEAD every one- aren't for them, Tommy and Tubbo have both acknowledged that they could just set off on their own and live a happy life, they have no big reason to stay! Except that they need to protect the freedom of those around them. Of people who have always been too selfish to appreciate it. Of people who pin the weight of the world on these kids and have the audacity to undervalue everything they do. Niki scapegoating all the worlds problems INCREDIBLY unfair.

And the issue isn't even the hypocrisy itself, i’m not sure we can reasonably even say Niki has been all that undervalued.  Niki never inserted herself into anything important, people acknowledged her when she was there but she was never there and when she was didn't contribute anything almost ever. If she wanted her voice to be heard she had a responsibility to make her voice heard, nobody is obligated to knock on her door every day just to check in and maybe goad an opinion out of her, especially not in the middle of their own incredibly intense drama filled arcs. The most Niki’s done is last arc when she...talked about not liking Schlatt then fought in the war with everyone else. She was acknowledged for both of these things. But nobody’s going to hold her hand and pull her into relevancy, she has an obligation to make herself heard like everybody else does.  To say she's undervalued would imply her actions usually have more value than she’s given credit for. That just doesn’t happen.

And the tactics she’s used to pull people onto her side are incredibly unfair. The smear campaign against Tommy (which was unfair, niki complains about tommy being destructive but need i remind you the stuff she and fundy pulled when they reignited the pet war? she criticizes tommy for not putting more effort into acknowledging her but again, it’s nobodies job to hold her hand through everything and pat her on the back every time she speaks, especially not tommy who already has the weight of the world on his back) , Niki acting betrayed by Tubbo despite the fact that he still clearly believes them to be friends (and honestly idk what the kid did that she could possibly consider a betrayal, i don’t remember her ever confronting him about anything), quoting The Final Control Room to Fundy, somebody who was there in the control room and is in the middle of a nervous breakdown who’s bound to be at least semi hurt by the quotation. At one point Tubbo asked about how unequipped Niki was and she rambled for like five minutes about how she’s had nothing since Schlatt taxed her, and Tubbo immediately offers her diamond, but she just keeps going. She then took the armor...and just didn’t fight with it. Not only did she take Tubbo’s armor and do nothing with it, but she then proceeded to talk negatively about the kid and his best friend completely behind their backs as a means to convince multiple people who were currently stressed and/or hurting to allow a dictator to reign unchecked.

Niki's "fuck all of you" arc feels so undeserved. Like im literally petitioning for Tommy and Tubbo to have one but Niki doesn't deserve one, she's got zero reason at all to even want one much less to be justified in it, and she's not even just leaving everyone to struggle she's like..purposefully screwing them over in the vaguest hardest to figure out or possibly resolve way humanly possible. The people she’s ACTUALLY UPSET AT (assuming she is actually upset with tommy and tubbo and isn’t just..saying that..to convince people to go along with her bs) don’t even KNOW, she’s just been passive aggressively burning their stuff and talking shit behind their backs, I don’t know how anybody can encourage this.

I have a sinking suspicion this isn’t actually about Tommy and Tubbo or L’manburg at all and that she’s lashing out at people because...L’manburg hasn’t felt the same, not since Wilbur left (she completely panicked when she saw ghostbur log in, one of the most emotional responses she’d had all day, much moreso than anything relating to the people/things she was supposedly upset with).  And I mean, she says “L’manburg isn’t about freedom anymore”, but that’s a cop-out. L’manburg didn’t change. I mean what the fuck IS it about, then? I mean does she think Tommy and Tubbo, any second now, are going to reveal that ACTUALLY this battle ISN’T about fighting Dream’s tyranny at all, but rather they’re just having a debate with Techno and Dream about where to build their new ski resort- OBVIOUSLY NOT. What is this about if not freedom? L’manburg changed when Wilbur died, but it changed for the better.  Niki says L'manburg is dead. That the reason L'manburg was invented is dead. That the freedom L'manburg stood for is dead. That it died with Wilbur.  And yeah. The reason L'manburg originally started DID die with Wilbur, L’manburg started in a drug van,  The powerhungry moneygrabs died with Wilbur, the corruption of the state died with Wilbur, the ulterior motives, the manipulation, that all died with Wilbur. Wilbur's L'manburg is drug cartels, child soldiers, and cruel smear campaigns. That died with him. But Tommy’s L’manburg? Tommy's L'manburg is the freedom fighting morally driven nation of passion and hope. Niki can't see that Niki won't let herself see that Because that was meant to be WILBUR'S L'manburg The light and color and joy and laughter was meant to be Wilbur's He brought that! When he was good, in the beginning, he brought that! And it can't carry on after he's gone! Things can't get better after he's gone! Not with Tommyinnit L'manburg is Wilbur's not Tommy's L'manburg died with Wilbur. L'manburg died with Wilbur. L'manburg died with Wilbur. Niki can’t see that it didn’t. Niki can’t let herself see that it didn’t, because she put Wilbur on such a pedestal, used him as a symbol of hope, and the idea that the world keeps turning when he’s gone- that things may just get better when he’s gone- isn’t something Niki can deal with. There’s a reason Niki didn’t do much during the rebuilding era, a reason she didn’t have anything to say about Tommy’s exile, a reason she pulled Fundy out of there and made her own nation, a reason she’s been so silent generally. A reason she’s convinced herself L’manburg is dead when it’s not. She put all her faith onto Wilbur, and when he died, so did her hope in the future. In her eyes Wilbur was L’manburg, in her eyes Wilbur was the one that gave it life, and so in her eyes when Wilbur died, so did L’manburg. That’s why she cheered when the nation went up in flames, that’s why she can’t believe that it’s still the same L’manburg- possibly a better L’manburg- that’s why she lashed out, almost violently, at the idea that people are still seeing light and joy and hope in the nation, violently at the people who dared to try to lead L’manburg after Wilbur was gone, because L’manburg was Wilbur’s unfinished symphony in her eyes.

It’s frustrating and it’s sad. I’m angry with her, quite frankly, and at this point i’m not sure i care weather she gets therapy or a punch in the mouth, but she needs one of them for sure. Or both. I hope she gets both.

Either way she isn’t ‘popping off’. This isn’t a good thing. She’s lashing out unfairly (and as things often are on the smp, we have wilbur to blame)

#mcyt #dream smp #nihachu #dream smp discourse #long post

[stimuliandthelike]

much ado about nothing (2011)

a part 2 because of that one anon and because my brain is rotting so much i started studying extra course material. and also because, as you will soon figure out, i love this production with my entire soul

i bid you come H̴̡͖̖̥̬̺͊̑̇̂͂̒͛I̷̧̨̬͕͛Ṯ̴̨̧̗̼̤̤̼͉̦̞̮̫̳̮͒̐̉̆̈͒̋̍̄͐̉͝Ḧ̷̡̨̛̻͉̩̝̖̲̙̱͚́̌Ë̶̛͇̝͉̜̠̘́̇͐Ŕ̶̻̫̒͌͗̊̿̕͝ͅ

i love when the characters sit down and either (1) make fun of each other or (2) complain about life it is very good

anyone: beatrice let’s talk about LoooVe

beatrice immediately: the gall! the Nerve!! the- the audacity!! love? i have not heard of it nor do i wish to hear of it. is it by any chance a “feeling” because i have NONE absolutely NONE of those. pfft. love. as if i could ever be in love with a “man” such as BenEDicK. what. me? love? revolting go take a nap cousin.

me trying to gain some semblance of control in my life by cleaning out exactly one drawer as everything else crashes and burns around me

ah! the man i love! i shall sneeze on him

he continues to prove that he has absolutely no rights. disgusting. one would think that you’d communicate with the love of your life instead of immediately hatching up a plan to publicly humiliate them during your wedding 

everyone: *in complete chaos* *screaming* *crying* benedick:  👀

*inhales* one would think that you’d communicate with someone you love and have known your entire life instead of instantly believing the word of a man with no way to prove his claim

benedick: have you wept all this while? beatrice: yes and i will weep a while longer 

beatrice is the year 2020

beatrice: *sobbing because her cousins wedding was ruined and everything is going wrong* benedick internally: i should say something comforting  benedick externally: i dO LOVE NOTHING IN THE WORLD SO WELL AS YOU benedick internally: i said say something comforting benedick externally: ....it’S NOT THAT STRANGE

i love dramatic declarations of love in less than ideal situations

this is absolutely the correct reaction to finding out someone loves you

beatrice: i love u too babe!!! benedick: :DDD beatrice: kill claudio benedick: :o

beatrice..... “you dare easier be friends with me than fight with mine enemy”. everything she says about how much easier it would be to get revenge on claudio if she were a man....  “he is now as valiant as Hercules that only tells a lie and swears it”.... “I cannot be a man with wishing, therefore I will die a woman with grieving”... beatrice...

“and which is more..an OFfiCeR” “and which is more... a prettier piece of flesh as any in mecinah!”

im crying i love how everyones just nodding is the back like “yep this is routine”.

she straight up dumps her drink on him what an icon

“they have committed false report. moreover they have spoken untruths. secondarily they are slanderers. sixthly and lastly they have belied a lady. THIRDLY they are verified unjust thieves. and to conclude they are lying knaves”

a Himbo

is..he..is he trying to write beatrice a song... on a keyboard... the part where he accidentally sets off the auto play and can’t figure out how to turn it off... this entire production is so GOOD i am crying. i cannot possibly capture the humor in this scene with words

please call beatrice margaret the boy is Pining

also margaret!!!!! she deserves all the good things!!!! she is everything i wish i was!!! her brain!!! her ability to destroy anyone and anything with words!!! dare i say it, she is even more powerful than beatrice

he is Frustrate

also david tennants monologues are so good

additional highlights: “i can find no rhyme to ‘lady’... but ‘bAby’ :((”  ‘nooooooo i was not born under a rhyming planet” *continues to horribly play the keyboard*

them...

A Series of Unfortunate Events

“i’ll marry you out of pity”

“i’ll marry you so you don’t die”

“fine”

“fine”

*sits down next to you cuz you’re sad* *frowns in deep thought* *begins to say something that will hopefully come out profound*

*high pitched voice* geT THEE A WIFE. gET THEE A WIFE!!!!

this entire thing has filled the hole ive had had in my stomach for days now i love it so much. anyway-

#much ado about nothing #david tennant #catherine tate #I FUCKING LOVE THEM SO MUCH #hey anon i hope u see this yeah #I LOVED IT I LOVED ALL OF IT SO MUCH #if i had to BECOME a show it would be this production #holy shit i love it #much ado about nothing 2011 #SOMEONE FUCKING COME HERE AND TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS CUZ IM IN ABSOLUTE LOVE

[yyparkq]

PASSENGER’S SEAT

Everyone in your circle knows where your place is inside Im Jaebeom’s car—right beside him, in the shotgun seat. 

Chauffeur. That’s what Jaebeom has been like to you ever since you got into a car accident a year ago. The last thing you ever wanted to do is to climb behind the steering wheel and into the driver’s seat of any vehicle after the incident and so the ever so good childhood friend you have named Im Jaebeom pledged to take you anywhere you need to go. 

As soon as the professor dismissed your last class for the day, you checked your phone for time and any unread notification. A little past four in the afternoon on a Thursday is too early to go home. Besides, Jaebeom’s class isn’t until six. You decided to kill time in the library and even bumped into Mark and Jinyoung. 

A couple of hours easily passed as you continued reading the novel you started the night before. You were pulled out of the fictional world when you felt your phone vibrating nonstop in your pocket. It was Jaebeom calling you. You immediately gathered your things and got ready to go, catching up with your already walking two friends who did not even bother bidding you goodbye before leaving you. 

“I’m outside the library.” Jaebeom greets as you answer his call. 

You stash your book in your arm and toss your bag on your right shoulder. “Coming right up.” 

Jaebeom stands in the corner outside the building. You immediately notice his slumped shoulders with a sour expression on his face as he slightly leans to the wall, checking his phone in one hand. He immediately turns to you when you poke his arm and suddenly his demeanor changes. You were greeted with his usual warm smile and an arm that automatically drapes around your shoulders to keep you close to his side. 

“Did you wait long?” he asks you as you both start walking to the parking lot. One thing you hated the most is waiting and Jaebeom knows that all too well. But do you really have the energy to complain when you’ve been practically being ushered by your potential boyfriend and even husband every single day? The least that you could do is wait for his classes to be over twice a week. 

You flipped your book to your other arm. “Not really. Plus I was with Jinyoung and Mark at the library earlier.” you realized you were just walking together a few minutes ago. You look around you to find them a couple of feet away from you, eating spicy rice cakes. Is it that hard to pay attention to the surroundings when you are with Jaebeom? 

Jaebeom follows the line of your sight and spotted his two best friends fighting over food. He scoffs and retrieved your bag from you, letting you only hold onto the novel you were reading earlier. This is your cue to continue living in the fiction you were previously drowned in. You flipped your book open and resumed digesting the words of the page until a high-pitched voice sucked you out of your reverie again. When you glance at Jaebeom, a familiar girl is clinging to him, his expression showing distaste to the situation. 

It was Dahyun, one of Jaebeom’s classmates. She’s been bugging him a lot lately about some sort of group work with Jaebeom. When you asked him one time about it, he said he’s not actually supposed to be paired with her because she pesters him a lot but somehow she found a way to make his partner switch with her so now he’s stuck with working with her until their finals project is done. 

There is definitely something weird about the project they are working on though. She calls him every single day including weekends to talk about it as if they planning to conquer various countries for finals. Jaebeom curses under his breath whenever her name lights up her phone. Last weekend, you had to call his home phone to ask him to go to the mall because he shut his phone off, dodging her calls. 

Jaebeom casually talked to the girl on his other side. Their conversation being muffled as you buried your nose back to the book. He continued to guide you as you walk, navigating your torso when you’re not really paying attention to the road you are walking on. The gesture sent jealousy to the pits of Dahyun’s stomach. She’s been attracted to Jaebeom for years now and only got the courage to actually get this close to him. She should not waste any of her time or else, Jaebeom will definitely end up with you forever. 

You were about to reach for the car door when Dahyun beat you to it. She settled herself comfortably in the passenger’s seat, leaving you stunned for a few moments. Jaebeom was equally surprised when he entered his car and found Dahyun instead of you, your bags propped at the backseat of the vehicle. 

Jinyoung smirks at the side of his car, totally enjoying the scene unfolding before him. All these years, you have been Jaebeom’s little princess and no one dared question that. His left brow lifted when he heard a car door slamming on his side. 

You sigh deeply, flipping your hair off your shoulders and holding your chin up. That’s it. You’ve had enough of the little girl’s play. You are ready to call her out for her attitude and kick her off your seat when you felt a tug on your arm. 

Mark silently approached you, saving you from stooping down your level and from creating a scene at the university parking lot. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.” he says gently and pulls you to his car. He opens the door for you and reaches for your seat belt, his hair falling from his face. You roll your eyes and swat his hand from reaching across your body for the belt. “I’ll do it.” you say exasperated. 

Across the lot you could see Jaebeom standing outside his car, squinting at Mark’s gestures before climbing back and driving away. He drove too fast, startling Dahyun and she swore she has never seen Jaebeom so pissed as he is while with her inside that damned car. She mentally chided herself for acting such a bitch especially in front of you. 

Mark stops his car in front of your gate, driving past Jaebeom who was waiting for you. How he got there so fast and whether Dahyun was with him was none of your business. You thanked Mark for sending you home and got off. 

Jaebeom shot a piercing gaze towards Mark before trailing you. You went straight to your bedroom and shut the door in Jaebeom’s face. To say you are irritated with him is an understatement. If this happened a year ago, you’d probably even laugh at the scenario of him being stuck with an annoying classmate. Maybe being with him every single day for more than a year now made you so dependent to him. You shouldn’t have thought he’ll drive you to places forever. Sooner or later you must learn to overcome your trauma. 

You switched to comfortable clothes and went out to eat dinner. You thought Jaebeom already left but you as you make your way to the dining area, you hear faint voices from your parents. It shouldn’t surprise you to see him dining with your parents as if nothing happened but there you are, unable to control your grimace as you walked to your usual seat beside him. 

“I brought your bag.” Jaebeom tells you after dinner. Right. You almost completely forgot about your things. 

"Thanks.” you reply curtly. Before you could turn your back on him again, Jaebeom caught your arm and enclosed you in a tight embrace. “Get off me.” The words come out of your mouth yet you do nothing to help yourself free from him. If anything, you enjoy him being clingy at times like this. Instead of losing his grip on you, he pulls you even closer and placed a light kiss on your temple. You blushed furiously at his sudden express of affection and bit your bottom lip to refrain yourself from grinning. This is crazy. Just an hour ago you were so pissed with the guy hugging you and yet now he’s making your heart flutter in simple gestures. 

“Don’t get into Mark’s car ever again.” he says huskily after a few seconds. What? He’s got the audacity to be jealous now? 

Good. Two can play this game. “Sure. After you disinfect the shotgun seat of yours.” you say as you break free from his arms. 

#GOT7 #GOT7 fanfiction #im jaebeom #got7 im jaebeom fanfiction #got7 jb #got7 im jaebeom imagine #got7 jaebum fanfic #got7 park jinyoung #got7 mark tuan #fan fiction #kpop fanfition #kpop imagines #got7 fan fiction #got7 imagines #got7 mark tuan imagine #got7 mark tuan fan fiction #fluff #angst #short story #kpop scenario #got7 scenarios #boyfriend jaebeom #jealous girlfriend #college au #got7 college au

[ohlvca-blog]

INTRODUCING,

» francisco lachowski & twenty-two & cismale.「 after checking isabella’s diary, we saw luca rosario show up many times. apparently, he is a fashion photographer that isabella called her mutual friend. she mentions that they can be compassionate yet naive, and our background check says luca has lived here one month. if we move fast, we might catch them at the photo lab. 」

waddup, peeps ?? this tiny bean goes by the name of rue ( she/her ) and i’ll be playing Soft Boy™, luca rosario. he’s pretty much a new faceclaim for me with an old character’s background. however, francisco has recently become my forever Fave, therefore i’m so excited to have the opportunity to play him !! if you would like to hmu for plots / scream about connections all day long, please give this a LIKE and i’ll come wiggling into your ims ( or discord; find me at justrue#2233 ) shortly after. under the cut, you’ll find a brief summary about luca and his life. also all my wcs are listed over HERE if you wanna check that out as well. can’t wait to start interacting !! 

+ disclaimer: very slight talks of cancer and mental health are below. read at your discretion.

LAYER ONE: THE STATS.

NAME. luca leonardo rosario. he was born out of wedlock, so he took his mother’s name at birth even though his father’s surname is polish.

ALIAS. people usually just call him by luca but sometimes luke, luki, or leo make an appearance.

TITLE. over time, he has proudly deemed himself an obsessive pizza addict, artistic nutcase, or one of the missing dead poets society members.

NAME MEANING. his true significance of his name means a bringer of light.

AGE. twenty-two years old.

GENDER IDENTITY. cis-male.

PRONOUNS. he/him.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION. predominately panromantic demisexual. it isn’t so much so that luca is completely disinterested in sex (he’s got a perfectly good libido, thank you very much), he just doesn’t find himself sexually attracted to people based on physical appearance or initial impressions. instead he finds personality, intellect, and existing emotional attachment considerably more compelling. the idea of intimacy with somebody he’s not close with rather repulses him.

CURRENT RESIDENCE. he currently lives in venice, california but he travels quite often for his job, so residency usually fluctuates depending on how long he stays there. 

BIRTHPLACE. san paulo, brazil.

NATIONALITY. brazilian.

ETHNICITY. half portuguese and german on mother side, half polish on father side.

RELIGION. he was raised roman catholic but converted to spiritual agnosticism when he was eighteen. he views that universal ethics and love are far more important than claims about any deity and trivialize the arguments supporting or rejecting such claims. to luca, it doesn’t matter which religion someone might follow, nor does it matter whether or not someone believes in God. what matters is what someone does, not what they believe. he has his parents’ full support in his switch even though the rest of his family practices catholism.

SPOKEN LANGUAGES. portuguese (fluent/main), english (fluent/2nd main), french (still learning but can understand it quite well).

EDUCATION. graduated with the bachelor of fine arts in photography and painting at the school of visual arts in nyc.

PROFESSION. he works as a full-time fashion/commercial photographer. meaning, he works with different agencies such as fashion magazines, building, modeling, landscapes, etc. he’s also usually on location and travels a lot for his career.

LAYER TWO: THE STORY.

- so this is my baby boy, luca rosario and i love him sm ?? he usually goes by luca, but on occasion people call him either luke, luki, or leo. but he doesn’t care what people call him as long as it’s kind.

- luca was born in san paulo, brazil to both loving and supportive parents named jeremi and mariana. he lived there until he was six years old when his family moved to maryland because his parents, who are both marine biologists, were relocated for work.

- his parents had him when they were both young, making his parents both twenty-two when he was born. 

- luca was also born out of wedlock, so by the time his parents decided to marry two years later, his parents had already made the decision to give him his mother’s maiden name even though his father’s last name is polish.

- growing up, he had and still does, have a great relationship with his parents. with his childhood consisting nothing more than love and devotion from his parents, luca had nothing to complain about. his parents loved him dearly, whose pure heart and open-mindedness they helped to cultivate. they encouraged luca’s belief in extraordinary things and hoped he had carried it throughout his life growing up. his parents had always made him promise to have courage and be kind to others, for—as they explained to him—kindness has power, and that they would see him through all the trials that life could offer, in life and death.

- cancer/mental illness tw: when he was thirteen, his mother had been diagnosed with cervical cancer. upon hearing the news, luca’s whole world clasped. not only was he at a pivotal stage in his life where everything was changing and becoming more stressful ( becoming a teenager, starting high school, going through puberty ), one of the most important people in his life had be claimed by the deadly disease altogether. so many thoughts and feelings were going through his mind at the time, that he ran himself physically sick and had experienced his first panic attack. he has since been medically diagnosed with panic disorder. thankfully the cells on his mother’s cervix were diagnosed at precancerous stage and the doctors were able to treat it because it developed and spread. however, that didn’t and doesn’t stop luca from being in a constantly state of panic every time his mother so much as feels pain or coughs due to irrelevant reasons. the entire year had changed him and his family for a while.

- he has brother, who is three years younger than him, named tomás. his relationship with his brother, however, is a bit estranged. as much as he loves his brother and wishes they could see eye-to-eye, sometimes they have a tendency to butt heads often. whether that might mean your typical sibling arguments or full-on blown out fights, they just can’t seem to see get along. sometimes people believe they aren’t actually related or that they’re half siblings because when his brother was born, he took their father’s last name.

- most people would describe luca as the benevolent. despite being in a world where there’s hatred and suffering, luca declares himself independent and strong-willed by remaining kind-hearted and self-loving, not allowing the bitterness surrounding his life to overtake him and morph him into someone as cruel as the world seems to be every day. he makes the most of his life by remaining optimistic of the possibilities of a brighter future. but besides that, he’s also witty and sarcastic. he is unafraid to stand up for himself when he feels he’s in the right–or at least, attempt to do so. and although he strives to contain his optimism aura, he can fall into fits of frustration and annoyance quite often.

- he’s also super quiet and shy. he loves to make friends but because of his quiet complex, he usually has trouble speaking up and making his voice heard. he tends to become flustered a lot too when he can’t express his emotions; which he has trouble doing anyway when he’s not flustered.

- luca is capable of enduing tremendous hardship. though he may not handle difficulty in the healthiest or best way, often repressing emotion, he mostly like emerges on the other side. he doesn’t know how to express his emotions in a diplomatic way, but rather fumbles it all up and starts to ramble. rarely opens up because of this.

- to put it plan and simple luca is an art ho. he even went to university for it too ( the audacity of it all smh ). luca always loved anything artistic. even when he was little, he would go around with his disposable camera and take pictures of everything and then take to paper to draw of all the things he had taken pictures of as well. 

- he’s like a hippie dippy child of the universe. no joke. no seriously, his place at home is full of sensual shit and art. it’s getting out of hand and somebody needs stop him soon.

- he strongly believes that art is an umbrella term that relates to expressing of oneself ( not just through photography and painting ) and that everyone has the freedom to express themselves however they please. because of his beliefs, he chooses to break gender roles like bread and wears whatever the fuck he wants because yolo.

-  his appearance pretty much represents his hippie dippy lifestyle with him wearing all sorts of cute hipster shit. he’s clothes are v flow-y but don’t let that fool you. he doesn’t miss the opportunity to represent his upper-middle class within his style, so he does dress to impress, let me tell you ( he’s a fashion ho too ). his hair color changes sometimes too depending on his mood but it’s generally never too eccentric.

- when he turned seventeen, luca decided he wanted to go to college after high school. so he applied to an arts school in new york and graduated at twenty-one with two degrees in photography and painting.

- for about a year after graduating, he took some time to create his own freelance business while also looking for jobs in the commercial and industrial world of photography. about a three months ago, a fashion agency, settled in california, had contacted him about loving the work he had done in his freelance business and offered him a job as their full-time photographer. of course he accepted the job and moved out to venice, california. he’s been there for a whole month and hasn’t looked back since.

- upon hearing the news of isabella souza’s murder and also being a suspect in the case, luca’s kind of been on edge since. granted, he never knew isabella all that well, considering he met her through a mutual friend of theirs about as long as he’s lived in venice and became rather decent friends because of it. but to know someone killed her, freaks him out. he never met someone who has been a victim of a homicide case before and frankly, he doesn’t know how to act since the news broke.

#vb;intro #procrastination at its finest ‣ 「 out of character 」 #this is long and unnecessary i'm a mESS. #please love me dfjdkflds.

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

#blathering

[someonesaidtrytoblog-blog]

Someone said try to blog.

Okay, So every once in a while I think about making an attempt at explaining a little bit of how my mind works. Obviously this could be a book. And I will see how much I can type, or how I feel about doing so. But lets just start somewhere around my lack of social skills, but lack there of. So, an overview. Basically two main killers on my lack of social skills. The first, I dont care for small talk or fake people. I will not judge you until you do something that violates even the smallest of my morals. So I would say possibly critical there. Blame the Virgo sun sign, and the Virgo in mercury, Virgos ruling planet, the planet of thought. Back to the topic. Thats the first reason. The second, I do not trust anyone with my complete feelings. I will be as honest as the most honest, combined with my natural tone of voice, unfortunatly results in the reaction of a snowflake commonly. Now, lets actually start with the second one since its on the mind. I have been in thought for a long while but have determined that the main root of me not trusting people with my feelings in life is that I have always felt like my feelings never really mattered. Now repetetivly, I was temporarily blinded and have been fooled that my feelings did matter but then shortly after that, I am reminded at how they really dont matter. In my opinion, to have someone invalidate your feelings, is something that can not be recovered from. The moment someone makes me feel like my opinion does not hold matter equal to their own my first thought is that if this person, thinks something so simple as opinion, is so important it must be displayed or even felt in any manner , that theirs is superior is not someone I shall share personal feelings with. This has happened over and over again. The wall of china has been built and breached. But the breached areas are being repaired. On a side note, if this just stays here forever. I do appreciate and apologize to the people who have reached out and I have not held up to the my end of the bargain. I have tried not to complain because some people have reached out. But for some reason the bond we have is not necessarily a deeper connection like the only one I currently pursue. That has nothing to do with how I feel about the friendship we have. We just vibe a different way. Back to the first one. Small talk and fake people. Let me explain a frustration with relations. I wont approach a woman, never know when you may catch them at the wrong time. I will say good morning on the way home from work , when I stop at the gas station, on my morning routine. To any person eye contact is made. But thats about it. If I get a second opportunity and can think of a line on just one main thing. I have to be able to relate something from tone or emotion of a room to an object or happening, to something intelligent or factual that I posses in my mind. Which I fill with the most random of facts. But anyway. Even when I get the opportunity, to just be loved. Which is all I wish for really. I will need to be attracted to you. As well as be able to relate in common morals. I will also need to be able to live up to your sexual desires. If you can not do that, I believe that in this world , you need to let that woman go. In a world with so many people if she is not being sexually satisfied to be honest, if shes not being honest with herself eventually she will be and if she can not fight her natural desires then it wont end well. What I mean bro is if your girl wants you to tie her up and spank her and pull her hair a little bit because the small amount of pain, and change in position, bring to her more pleasure. Get the fuck on , boy. Again anyway, I like to ramble a bit. Some people enjoy my opinions. And I dont really tell them to anyone. All this shall remain anonymous, But I will put a signature. Reason for it is, I already have enough haters and its easier to ignore them if they dont know who you are. Again though I do respect your opiniom on whatever it may be, doesnt mean my actions may seem so sometimes. I can agree. Again, even through the repeated grammar mistakes. Which I just dont care enough to sit and debate it if its not natural, resulting in run on sentences. Even my ramble should tell you a little about my brain. And maybe even the excitement to finally get some of these things out. So If I do post this I hope someone enjoys it. Remember this could have several chapters. So in question was the statement from the first paragraph, " But lets just start somewhere around my lack of social skills, but lack there of. " Note lack there of. And let me go on about this for a minute. So, the thing is when I do get the chance to carry conversation, I am very good at it. For anyone I want to vibe with anyway. I am passionate about certain things in life. From things I enjoy that keep my attention, all the way to the way children should be raised, these are important things to vibe on for me. Battles not wished to be fought down the road, or any other basic moral, Are actually conversations she wants from friends. Honestly straight on a side note, if you have a belief you value as a moral I will always respect that you hold that belief. I say this because you should have been cyritical about forming an opinion you find moral. If you have not then  as open you were to the belief you have, is as open you should be to others. But become critical and make sure you question everything with a logical amount of cause. A start to being open minded. Obviously they believe something for a reason. If you cant prove it , or prove it false, even if in found not logical. When lacking disrespect, there is no need to start any. Back to my original attempt at explanation, the lack of the lack of social skills. Once opportunity for more than a 30 second period pops up and I see any kindness in your eyes, our conversation will begin and end with knowledge. Honestly, women say they love my conversation. But they usually go, see second paragraph for feelings on that. The problem I seem to have, and this is my opinion; When a woman enjoys an intelligent conversation, then each time it occurs in the first few encounters the farther and farther in the friendzone you will finish. Even if you are being intimate with her. In this day and age its unfortunste the small amount of women who seem to exist that actually are attracted to a man who they think they are attracted to. Its like they all have just a piece of what they preach they want from a man. You can literally put in all you got, be as sweet and respectful, as well as satisfying to her, make a decent living, and she will say she loves you. But a rare woman these days doesnt give the good men a chance. Because they are the ones that dont want to risk talking to you, in fear they may only cause more burden on your day, because you seem in a rush, we rather just not bother you with our possibly annoying presense. We just wish everyone a decent day. But back to what I was saying, not enough women want a man who is strong, sensitive and as rough as they require. They would rather suffer mentally, and silently about certain things. Some which end up of matter. Which is unfortunate in most cases. Literally my mentality is this if you show continued interest in our conversation, and end in loving who I am and what I believe in. I will do everything in my power to make you happy. Im so down. Just the fact that you love and support me will make me fall for you. But at the first sign of you being un interested in me, by my own standards which are not out of reason, I am out emotionally. Im dipping, to many excuses, you shouldnt have any if you are pursuing that type of conversation. When intent is clear. In example. I send you a text three mornings in a row saying, "good morning" . And you dont respond. I throw one goodnight in those three good mornings somewhere. So four attempts total over atleast three days. And no Response. Do not text me three weeks later talking about how you had a good time and would like to go out again. This was days previous to our first date and we were talking steady all the way up until the date which actually did go well, but anyway. I know you just want some free food and a laugh. Oh and probably some drama free intelligent conversation, all while stuck in her phone anyway. But not for romantic pursuals, Dont forget,  As mentioned previously with what to me seems like the most attractive approach to a good conversation, an intelligent yet entertaining but real conversation about life in all aspects. Actually gets you further into the endzone being the friendzone. And if you done caught feelings, make sure you take proper to rid yourself of them, and when she asks for advice that you cant beleive she has the audacity to ask, either answer in patience or not at all. If you cant handle helping her not be with you, dont try to continue being her friend.Because of her friends she may ask for solutions to get over you, even if not directly. If you end up friendzoned and you move  on. Your best bet is at the first sign of jealousy commited. If you can handle being her friend who knows what may happen in time. She may grow to be attracted to your ability to carry intelligent and meaningful conversation. And the tables will turn. If she does not, then she is already your friend. And you are already okay with that. So go on. Again, caught rambling. I hope someone reads all this. Its long. I Have never read, or typed something so long, honest, and personal. All while completly fucking the grammar. Eventually you will find a woman who loves you even when you are an ass and you should love that woman anyway she needs, because if she didnt love you at some point she would be gone. And if you have even the smallest belief that she loves you, then do what you must to hang on to her. For love is prescious and should be more occuring in its natural state and not on a temporary pallet. Real love is understand that you will not quit on someone who has not quit on you. Percieve quit as you will. To each their own. So like I said I ramble alot here. My apologies. Hope someone enjoyed it.

[seme-aru]

This is gonna be a long post so read it or don't So during my spring break I went to canada with 2 of my "friends" from hs and it was a good trip for the most part until haha I got injured. So I was staying in vancouver but on the last full day of my trip we went to Victoria. So victoria is about 5 hours from where I was staying, 2 hours to the ferry, 2 hours on the ferry, and then another hour to Victoria Anyway skipping to the actual part of the story. While I was in victoria I fell on an escalator and the sharp edge of the escalator ripped through my skin. When this happened I rushed to a restroom as fast as I could and gave friend 1 my stuff to hold. So in the restroom I was trying to get the blood to stop and it wouldn't so I asked some woman to help me. She ended up getting first aid for me and later asked if I was with anyone. I told her I was and gave her the description of my friend She comes back and GUESS WHO WASN'T THERE. NOT MY FRIEND BECAUSE SHE FUCKING LEFT. So I'm there in the restroom getting first aid and crying because looking at the injury literally made me burst into tears. But the first aid guy told me "I think I did a good job cleaning it up so when u go back to America u should go to the hospital if u think you're gonna get an infection" oh btw that was some shit advice, just go to the hospital Anyway after about 20min in the restroom I leave and find that friend one isn't fucking there but friend 2 is. So when I see him I ask where the fk she was, and you know what he tells me??? That she went to the fucking RESTROOM AND WHEN SHE HEARD SOMEONE WAS GETTING FIRST AID SHE DECIDED TO GO TO ANOTHER RESTROOM BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE REALLY HAD TO PEE. And I was pissed off and told him "You know I WAS THE ONE GETTING FIRST AID" he says "yea I guessed but she said she really needed to use the restroom" So yea i was fucking pissed off but then omg it gets better, for some fucking reason they decided to sit on high chairs when I literally can't even bend my knee or let it relax without wanting to cry. Anyway so friend 2 asks if I'm hungry and tells me I should eat something. As if I DIDN'T JUST HAVE A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE. Anyway I'm just so annoyed that I decide to sit at a different table so I can actually let my leg lay on something instead of hanging in air. And he later comes over to ask if I want him to sit with me and I say no. Later I hear shuffling around me but no one speaks to me. I find out that one of them PUT MY STUFF NEXT TO ME. I'M LITERALLY CRYING TO MYSELF AND FOR SOME REASON THEY THINK THE BEST THING THEY SHOULD DO IS LEAVE MY STUFF NEXT TO ME WHEN THEY COULD EASILY HAVE HELD ON TO IT. anyway so we have to get back to vancouver so we had to take the bus to the ferry, ferry to vancouver, then a bus to the train, another bus after the train and then walk up a 10min hill While on the bus for some reason friend 1 thinks that EVERY FUCKING STOP IS OUR STOP. OUR STOP IS LITERALLY THE LAST STOP AND THE LAST STOP IS A FUCKING FERRY PORT AKA THERE'S A FUCKING BOAT THERE. And her excuse was that "it's dark I can't see" Anyway while on the ferry I'm using a wheel chair because I just can't fucking walk. Anyway while on the ferry friend 2 asks if I want anything from the cafe and I pause to think about it and before I even say anything friend 1 says "I'd be down for a coffee" like ???????? And friend 2 just says "u know I was asking her (aka me)" AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE FUCKING SAYS??? "I mean I knew u were asking her but she didn't answer and I'm down for a coffee" But wow it still gets better. While on the ferry my gauze starts bleeding through so im certain it's a lot more serious than what the first aid guy told me. So I go to the first aid on the ferry BY MYSELF because the friend 2 is in the restroom and friend 1 has to watch our stuff. However I do tell them to come find me (haha guess who never fking came) Anyway the first aid office was a fucking horrible experience. The guy didn't try to help me at all and the only thing he did do was give me a lecture on the importance of travel insurance and essentially told me I was stupid for not getting it. Anyway I have to go back to my friends but they aren't whee I thought they were and I started wheeling myself around the ferry. After awhile friend 1 finally finds me and tells me I should've checked my phone BECAUSE THEY MOVED. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY MOVED? BECAUSE FRIEND 2 WANTED TO TAKE A FUCKING NAP so anyway after we get off the ferry we had to get to the train and we had to take the elevator up to the platform and they have the fucking audacity to tell me "at least we get to ride an elevator cause your injured" LIKE WHAY THE ACTUAL FUCK???????? okay so next part we get off the train and we have to find the bus stop. But guess what it's 2 blocks away and they can't fucking navigate. Anyway so we finally get to the bus stop and I just can't. If we take the bus we have to walk up a hill and I just can't do that so I want to take a taxi. But u know what the bitch says??? I CAN GIVE YOU A PIGGY BACK RIDE I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT OR ANYTHING BUT IT MIGHT MAKE UR KNEE WORSE. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK??? Anyway I'm fucking adamant about getting a taxi but there weren't many stopping on the street we were on. So I told them to ask a person and guess what, they literally argue who should be the one to ask. Him: but you're a white girl, u seem less threatening (btw this kid is a little Mexican boy like u are not threatening) her: yea but I'm so awkward LIKE IF IT WAS EITHER ONE OF THEM WHO WAS INJURED I WOULD TALK TO SOMEONE IN A FUCKING INSTANT NO FUCKING DEBATING LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. anyway so friend 2 ends up asking the guy but it was useless cause the taxi service wasn't answering. Anyway I see a taxi stopping and ppl leaving so I tell her to go tell the taxi driver to come...however she tells him the wrong street and we have to walk 2 blocks oh and btw the taxi isn't even there and she says "omg I feel so bad for the taxi driver cause he's losing business" and I'm literally limping to get to this taxi that's not even there and she doesn't even ask if I'm okay. Anyway once in a taxi (I found another taxi because those two are fucking useless) she tells the driver the wrong address. THE WRONG ADDRESS. Ok so once back at the bnb the place is a mess but I just can't, I want to pack my stuff and go to sleep because I just fucking can't deal with them. Oh but guess who makes me clean up the next morning??? Yea, them. Anyway so im just going to fast forward to the airport. While I'm at the airport the gauze is bleeding through again and it's been about 15 hours so I know it's definitely a lot more serious than I originally thought if the bleeding isn't stopping this many hours in. So I get paramedics and they tell me I should go to a hospital in canada but it's also going to be 800 JUST TO SEE A DOCTOR and an additional couple hundred for the actual medical help, the taxi to and from the hospital, and the hotel I would have to book so I decided to just go home Anyway in the actual airport the guy asks me to buy his breakfast (and everything else for that matter because he lost his wallet and had no money) and then tells me "I'm so hungry cause I didn't eat breakfast " guess what. I asked him to make breakfast but he said he didn't want one cause he didn't want to do dishes (Oh btw I had to do their dishes when I woke up) Anyway so the girl was flying out to somewhere else so she left first. And she was snapchatting me COMPLAINING ABOUT HER DAY. and when I told her I had to go to the hospital she responds "That sucks. " Anyway once i landed I check my phone and GUESS WHO TOLD ME SHE WAS HAVING THE WORST TRAVEL DAY OF HER LIFE BECAUSE SHE HAD TO WAIT IN A LONG LINE??? THE STUPID BITCH so anyway I was pissed off and it took me 2 hours to even get home and once I was home my parents took me to the hospital (while also telling me that the reason I fell with because I'm fat and that my fatness caused me to be unbalanced) So continuing with the story I go to the hospital and I got staples in my knee to keep my wound from opening up again. After I go to the pharmacy and I'm home friend 2 messages me asking if I'm okay and how my hospital visit was But guess who doesn't even try to contact me or ask me how I'm doing? You guessed it. So I'm just mad and really unhappy so I decide to mute my notifications on my hs group chat so I just don't have to see her or talk to her. Oh but guess what she emails me telling me how shes coming down to where I live and that she wants to hang out. And I don't respond and after 2 weeks of me ignoring her she messages me saying "wya" In a span of 2 weeks she hasn't once asked me how I was doing Anyway I get fed up with her and her complete disregard for my wellbeing AT ALL so I unfriend her on fb and untagged myself from all the canada posts she's making. Guess what she does? SHE REFRIENDED ME AND POSTED NEW PICTURES OF ME, OBVIOUSLY NOT GETTING THE POINT so I don't accept it and a couple of days later I decide to just leave the gc because I muted it anyway so what's the point of staying in it when I dont want to associate myself with her at all anymore Guess what? She messages me the next day harassing me saying she deserves an explanation. And I just don't respond because there's nothing to say. She doesn't even realize what she did wrong and I just can't with her. If you don't understand what you did wrong u never deserved my friendship in the first place. But lol IT STILL GETS BETTER. the next day she messages me telling me that it's unfair for me to be excluded in the group chat and that I shouldn't lose my hs friends because of it. Like what?? I don't understand how she thinks my friendship with them is over because I left a group chat. Additionally she tells me that we should behave like mature adults and not fight in the group chat. Guess what? I did not once bring it up to the group. Even when they asked I didn't say why because I honestly don't care if they want to be friends with her. Because I'm actually a mature adult. If she starts talking shit about me to the group I really don't care. If they really don't understand that I have my reasons and take her side then we shouldn't be friends at all either. She also sends an additional msg telling me that she's sorry that I think she's a bad friend and that she doesn't understand why I think that way. In that message there was no "I'm sorry I was a bad friend" it was a "idk what your problem is because I'm a good friend" additionally, she isn't reflecting at all and can't even fathom the possibility that she did something wrong. So yea but haven't responded and I won't respond because I don't need that in my life. This was a really long post started crying again and I'm tired so im going to sleep. Good night