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sheeprcool2 · 7 years

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My brothers suicide

September 1st 2017. I had actually thought about my brother. He moved to a different city with his dad and randomly for whatever reason that day I decided to look at his Instagram and see how he was doing. He was doing just fine it seemed. He was posting pictures of him and his girlfriend. Everything seemed great. I was staying in a hotel with my son, boyfriend and best friend. I went out to dinner that night with them and nothing felt weird or wrong… Fast forward to September 3rd 2017. I was still in the hotel. It was 10am. We were getting ready to check out and I looked at my phone notifications and it said I had a message from my brothers dad. I thought this was really strange because his dad NEVER talks to me. I was sitting on the corner of the bed and I’ll never forget smiling and laughing one minute about something my friend had said to opening up a FACEBOOK message that read, “ I have sad news. Alex killed himself last night”.

I stood up crying, my whole body was shaking. My boyfriend and friend looked terrified of me. I started rambling on. Saying “alex is dead, alex killed himself” I kept saying I’m so confused and I almost collapsed multiple times if it wasn’t for my boyfriend helping me stand. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. My mind wasn’t able to process this. I don’t remember how much time passed but we walked down stairs. We had to turn the room keys in and for whatever reason I had the keys and I handed them to the front desk agent and I just remember feeling as if I was hardly there. As if I wasn’t really going through this. I was walking to my boyfriends car and I suddenly remember my grandma doesn’t have Facebook. She doesn’t even have a number that anyone else knows. I immediately demanded my friends phone (mine was dead) and called her. The first words out of my mouth were “Grandma have you heard about Alex?!” Her response. I will never forget. She sounded so panicked, so worried, so weirded out I was calling and she said “no what??” Time felt as if it was slow motion in that moment. I changed someone’s life. I’m the one that told my grandmother that her very first grandson had committed suicide. I said “ Alex killed himself grandma, he’s dead” at this point I was sobbing, shaking. All while in a hotel parking lot. I eventually got into the car and I just remember hearing my grandmas heart break over the phone. She said “what?? No!!!!” And she explained to her boyfriend what happened in a panicked voice. I still had no idea how he did it and then I started to rationalize a little bit. I stopped thinking about what my grandma was saying. I started focusing on my own thoughts and I started to believe it was all a joke. A big fat lie and that I just completly ruined my grandmas mood for no reason.

If anyone knew my brother they would know he pulls pranks ALL the time. He has a YouTube channel just for pranks. His Instagram is full of pranks. I started to stop crying. I got real mono tone and said to my grandma “I’m going to have Alex’s Dad call you and explain”. I still haven’t talked to his dad on the phone yet and I begin thinking. “Okay alex wouldn’t fake his dads voice, he wouldn’t take it this far. He can hack a Facebook and message people sure. But no way he would fake his dads voice”. I then proceed to give his dad my grandmas new number and I hung up. I am now eerily calm at this point. The tears have stopped. I tell my boyfriend I think it’s a cruel joke and I just sit there. I then check Facebook again and his dad responded “Just called”. I then begin to get very over whelmed, very sad. My heart begins to race. That sinking gut feeling begins to take over again. I call my grandma and ask her if she talked to him. She said yes and that no one has gotten ahold of my “mother” yet. I told her that she will need to tell her because I don’t want to talk to her and I can’t tell another family member. It would be to hard. I then begin asking questions. Like how did he do it? She said that he had shot himself under his chin with a 22. Rifle. The gun was his dads. My grandma seems like she wants to get off of the phone so I let her go. I then ask his dad to call me. After I hear his dads voice I now 100% realize this isn’t some prank. It’s not a cruel joke. It’s reality. I ask the same questions. How did it happen? Why? When? It happened last night, around 8pm. September 2nd 2017. His girlfriend was in the room with him when it happened. I feel over whelmed. I don’t want to talk anymore. To anyone. Time passes. I eventually call my dad and tell him what happened. He tells my grandma and my other little brother. The day goes on. My mind just races around what could I have done differently? I ask myself that a lot. My mom eventually messages me. We bond over his death. It gives us something to speak about.

Days past. It’s now September 8th 2017. The town where my brother lived was fairly small. The sheriff didn’t want to rule my brothers death a suicide. He said the exit wound wasn’t the same as the enterance. Anyways. Today was the day majority of the family got together to do the ‘viewing of the body’. I had my son in his car seat with me and I remember saying “I’m not ready” and right as I said that the funeral director opens the door and just laying there on a table with a white cloth over him is my dead 15 year old brother. Everyone was already walking in the room and I just starred for a moment. I eventually haul my son in there and set him down and walk up to the body. “He’s so tall” I say. I kept thinking he was going to get up and move. He didn’t. I starred and starred. I wasn’t hearing people talk. I could just stare. I eventually got nauseous and had to leave the room. I took a couple breathers and walked back in. I focused on his face, his hands, his hair. They sewed up the bullet hole. You couldn’t hardly tell. I just starred. It was real. He is now dead. He won’t make it to his 16th birthday which was in 2 months. He never got to meet my son. And then I started thinking. I hadn’t talked to him in over a month. The last time I heard from him was my birthday which was in July. The last thing my brother ever said to me was “Happy birthday” I responded with “thank you!” He said “np”. That was the LAST conversation he and I will ever have. I felt sick. I never can speak to him again. Death is permanent. Eventually we all have to leave the funeral home. As we're heading out they hand the funeral director the boxes. He's going to be cremated.

That night, I remember saying to myself over and over and over again “I shouldn’t of looked at his body, I shouldn’t of done it”. I was so scared of the dark, I had to talk on the phone the whole time with someone when I was driving home, I couldn’t walk up to my house alone, I couldn’t sit alone. I felt shaken and terrified. Going to sleep that night was the hardest. I had to have my iPhone flash light on the ENTIRE night and I didn’t even fall asleep until 7 am. It was horrible. The next day was his Memorial. Everyone talked good about him and relived memories ect. That night was his candle light Vigal and so many of his high school friends came and it was really amazing to see but then my mom started an argument and the night went down hill. I still haven’t spoken to her again. Since that day.

Fast forward to today. October 11th 2017. Over a month has passed since my brothers death. In this time, I still can’t sleep at night, I’m terrified of the dark, I hate being alone, I am filled with regret and remourse. I feel like there’s more I could of done, I have anger, longing and it’s driving me crazy. On Thursday the police got a warrant for his girlfriends cellphone because apparently there was a voicemail that Alex had left her that she never showed anyone and it was him talking about his suicide. The case is still ongoing. I’ll keep you updated on what happens. As for myself. It’s almost 4am and I’m wide awake. With all of the lights on while my 10 month old sleeps next to me.

I’m 18 years old. My brother was 15. Suicide doesn’t just end your “misery”. It implants it onto the people you’ve left behind. Don’t think suicide is your only way out. My life is forever changed because of his actions. My families lives are forever changed because of what he did. Just because of a hard time you’re going through doesn’t mean it’s your only way out. Seek help, tell someone, do anything BUT harm yourself. Stay strong. Everyone around you cares about you or they wouldn’t be around you in the first place. If you think you have no one then message me. I’m here for anyone at anytime. Thank you for reading.

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