#i am in awe of how she turned out

[bananonbinary]

as a certified Diagnosed Autist(TM) i cannot stress enough that i am not only pro- self-diagnosis, but also pretty anti- legal medical diagnosis. it is, at best, a cruel hoop we have to jump through so privileged people will deign to give us what we need. don't fucking do that shit unless you have to, it was disgustingly expensive, fucking humiliating, infantilizing, and dehumanizing, and would probably actively cause problems in my life if i didn't have some really good allistic (-passing) people in my corner and also wasn't so fucking disabled that it mostly doesn't matter.

literally get that diagnosis if you need it for job/school accessibility shit or SSI or whatever, and otherwise dont tell the government SHIT about yourself. there is zero good reason for them to want that information. that's between you and the people you want in your life.

#as a side note: this goes for gender too #dont fucking get a special marker on your passport or whatever #trying to get ssi has made me realize how deeply cruel the system is #never reveal any vulnerability you have unless it's absolutely necessary #do not do this stuff for validation the government is not your friend and you should seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere #hm this post turned out a lot angrier than i meant #guess i'm still mad about how awful the process was #it wasnt even long it was just. so *impersonal.* #this woman talked to me for two hours. went down a fairly bigoted checklist. #didnt ask me my own opinion on much of anything. and then declared a bunch of her impressions as if they hold weight just bc shes allistic #like how i have 'identity issues' (am trans and dont want a romantic partner) #and thats just. my permanent record of diagnosis! this two hour conversation with a stranger! she doesnt fucking know me #we paid like $500 for that

[cheekblush]

i'd rather be friendless than to constantly have my boundaries disrespected

#i am so frustrated and annoyed rn #at the beginning of this year my ex best friend reached out to me and i cautiously let her back into my life #things were going great but now she turned a harmless topic into a full blown discussion even though i told her multiple times that i no.. #.. longer want to discuss this matter but she kept going & then accusing me of continuing the discussion as well #and tbh i really should've stopped engaging with her messages much sooner but it's so annoying when someone sends you lots of messages with #their opinion although i mentioned several times that i want to drop the topic & then i'm just expected to shut up lol #she didn't respect my wish to move and made a huge fuss about nothing #i stopped replying to her since yesterday bc i really had enough & i should've just left her on read much sooner #but her messages were truly annoying me #her last message now says that we often have different opinions & she thinks she's more optimistic than me & that makes it hard for her to.. #talk to me..... i was so dumbfounded when i read that this morning #our initial conversation was about whether a song is more pop or rnb....... & she twisted that into me being negative lmao #she was so obsessed with being right that she couldn't drop the topic even though i told her how exhausting the convo was for me #and like it's such an irrelevant topic... imagine being that obsessed with always being right 😭 #idc anymore i'd rather be a negative bitch than someone who disrespects others' boundaries <3 #i thought she changed for the better but she's so self-righteous opinionated & stubborn it's awful #i calmly told her that her behavior is bothering me & we easily could've just moved on but she kept going on and on #and she herself admitted that it's one of her flaws that she always has to be right & she's being petty & yet she didn't stop 🤡 #even writing all this down feels so silly to me bc the initial topic was sooooo trivial #am i supposed to feel sorry for thinking a song was rnb rather than pop???? like go touch some grass please #she even sent me a screenshot of the wikipedia page of the song to prove that it's rnb & it literally said synth pop & rnb lol #but i wasn't even mad about that her not respecting my wish to drop the topic & move on even though i said it multiple times really pissed.. #me off though.... like girl just let it go it's not that deep!!! #but apparently i'm negative & pessimistic for having a different opinion than her 🤷🏼‍♀️ #like imagine starting a fight over smth SO IRRELEVANT but i'm the negative one sure lmao #okay i just needed to get this off my chest bc i don't have anyone to talk to about this & it's just ridiculous to me #☁️

[lambjock]

your thoughts on the cut jackienat scene are everything and it's really nice to see someone else get it. the discourse from the scene has been draining enough because people don't think it was cut for being out of character when that seems to be the case

also, happy belated!

i'm glad to hear that you ( and others ) agree! honestly, i was quite nervous to post my thoughts on the matter in the main tag, considering how crazy fandom spaces can get nowadays, but i felt so strongly about this in particular that i couldn't help it. my main issue with the discussion surrounding this deleted scene is the fact that it feels extremely pointed. for the last few months, jackienat as a romantic relationship and as a platonic pairing has been gaining steady traction ; they've become a staple to most fics as an essential dynamic and something that heavily matters to both characters. besides shaunajackie it's easily the second most popular ship for jackie, and in a way i think that's the problem. ever since gaining more popularity, there's been very odd comments thrown it's way? people taking every given opportunity to claim they don't see the 'jackienat romantic vision' on edits, saying it would never be a thing because of jackie's one slut shaming comment about natalie, etc etc. before this deleted scene dropped there clearly were handfuls of people who would do anything to tear this dynamic down and then they finally got the biggest chance to do so ... and they did! i've seen people call jackienat's whole dynamic 'completely fanon', people saying this was a satisfying scene to them because of jackienat shippers disliking shaunajackie, and excuses after excuses as to why this scene is, in fact, canon and why it works. overall it was just saddening to see? just feels like a good majority of yellowjackets fans see jackie as shauna's property rather than a fictional character people can do whatever with, so the idea of her having a relationship with natalie quickly became this threat that they had to belittle and claim as ooc at every given opportunity. which is weird! considering shauna has so many other ships that don't include jackie at all. it's also a little amusing since a good chunk of these people happen to ship shaunanat, most of them quickly rallying behind the 'nat pointing a gun at a pregnant shauna' scene as shipping fodder. don't think i've seen anyone saying 'oh shaunanats lost with this one' despite the heap of comments saying this for jackienat.

point is : i find the intent behind people's talk for this scene to be rather weird more than i find the scene itself to be sad or despairing. simply because it is just not canon. when scenes are cut for time, they've usually been filmed first -- considering that said scenes made it into the final, 100% solid script. this is true for the shauna and adam bdsm scene because we've seen clips of that in the actual show, meaning they filmed it and just cut it for time. same thing with a lot of s2's cut for time scenes! lots of the actresses and actors said these moments had been filmed but just didn't make the final cut. to me this signifies a time issue to some degree, especially given how long some of these scenes would've been! but the jackienat thing would've been a couple seconds tops? it was nothing more than jackie sitting outside and then the two of them passing her all while nat gives her a scathing, hateful look. considering we see shots of jackie sitting by herself with the cabin's front door in view, this would've been fairly easy to accomplish! i don't think people get that, per se. which to me signifies it was cut from the script before they started filming, or that by the time they got to the finale they saw this as ooc. idk. it just doesn't make sense for this to be cut for 'time issues' like the way some people are trying to argue. and even if this was the case, it proves that the writers deemed this moment as something unimportant enough to not include.

also, i don't see why this is the be all end all of jackienat either. is it bad to say this scene would've made me like them more? picturing this scene as canon and then having to watch natalie's anguish in s2 ep3 makes her guilt all the more agonizing to me, honestly. it was already such a hard hitting scene : seeing nat treat jackie's remains with respect, to see her shed her walls and be vulnerable with someone she didn't know well but cared for, and to get a peek into the fact she feels so guilty because, naturally, natalie sees this as her fault. they ate jackie because she couldn't find food fast enough. they killed her because she hadn't been there. these are things nat doesn't need to feel guilt and shame over, because jackie wasn't her responsibility or her friend, but she feels them anyway and she feels them intensely. now imagining this scene in a world where the deleted part was canon? awful! those emotions would've been way more heightened, all those personal blames would've had a fraction of truth to them, and natalie would be forced to acknowledge that when someone needed her help, she had just left them behind in the cold. something which would also intensify the pain of her watching javi drown in freezing water all while crying out to her ... a moment which she'd be wearing jackie's necklace. also, i'd find it kind of interesting that it'd be implied natalie has all these complexities and personal hatred over letting jackie taylor die just like shauna. they'd be the two who take her passing the hardest, the ones who blame themselves more than anyone else. to me that's just gayer than what we got canonically lol. but in turn, i think this could've been another reason why it was cut? this guilt and shame and hate was something reserved for shauna alone, because it's so pivotal to her character and growth, to the point that the writers couldn't let anyone really share that same feeling. it would've taken away from shaunajackie, i think, and what makes them special. if natalie genuinely had walked past jackie out of hate only for her to die the next morning, i believe we would've seen this guilt permanently etched into her character from the beginning. people forget just how quickly nat is to blame herself for things! and be very obvious about that blame! just feels like we would've known if natalie had left jackie out there on purpose, which isn't something we know at all in regards to the actual show.

anyway! i've rambled on quite enough. to me, this scene isn't that bad at all, and i don't think this takes away from the potential of jackienat whatsoever. there's really no evidence that it does! even in the worst case scenario of this scene being canon, it just makes the dynamic much more tragic, which fans eat up on this show. and at the end of the day i wouldn't give the discussions much attention, considering most peoples reasons for wanting this scene to be canon are very petty.

#my posts. #asks. #yellowjackets #at this point a lot of people have talked about how this is ooc for the show's nat so i didn't talk about that much! #but like i definitely agree. just didn't feel like i had more to bring to the table with that so i talked about other things on my mind #like in general i think the idea that nat would parallel shauna when it comes to jackie taylor is INSANE #and feels more like a win to jackienats then it feels like a loss #is it ooc for our nat? yes. would it have been heart wrenching to see nat's reaction after? also yes. #just because i think she would've brought jackie in doesn't mean i don't like the idea of this scene. even if just a little bit #but due to how ooc it feels and how some people are acting about this scene i just. am not fucking with it super hard #it just feels like some people need everyone to hate jackie besides shauna? like this is something they need to be canon #which rubs me the wrong way and makes me more of a jackienat defender than i initially was #at the end of the day : if natalie forgave and loved the girls after doomcoming? she would've done the same with jackie but faster #these girls loved each other and it was awful and that's kinda it #jackie wasn't some special exception where everyone hated her 24/7 and hated her pre-crash and just always hated her #for one its so unrealistic and for two this goes against the themes of intense female friendships and how shaky they can be #jackie wasn't always hated but they turned on her quick for silly ridiculous things #its just how teenagers are #and idk jackienat's whole thing of 'oh we could've been best friends in a kinder world during a better time' devestates me #out of all the girls there the one who would've understood jackie best would've been nat #just like how the same is true the other way around! they really could've understood each other #could've been there for each other and provided and loved but they didn't. and now they wont ever get the chance to #anyway!!! i hope this makes sense im tired but yeah <3 thanks sm for the birthday wishes and for this ask!!! #it was fun to revisit this so soon haha so thanks sm have an amazing day!

[k1rishiki]

oh yeah. the reason why i decided to reread tbhk (and thus it was able to hit me like a truck this time around) was actually not bc of mitsukou going canon but actually bc i maybe accidentally started a tbhk book club w my kids at work and wanted to check the contents of it justttt in case before i put the books in their hands

#tl;dr i have this one 4th grade boy who's a total weeb and knows that i'm the only one in this town who's more into japanese media than him #so he pesters me abt it every time he sees me. and the thing abt this kid is that he gets bored easily and if he does he turns into a #complete menace. now a couple weeks ago. he shows up at the program w one piece volume one and spends the entire time he's there peacefully #reading and not causing any problems on purpose. my coworker owen (the one who climbed onto the roof) and i were shocked and in awe of how #peaceful he was being and came to the conclusion that he NEEDS to have a manga volume in his hands at all times. few minutes later. #he finishes reading and isn't bored yet so he decides to go talk to me abt manga. specifically he starts pestering me abt what shonen i've #read despite the fact that i am a shoujo reader and told him that. but he knows i've read kuroshitsuji bc he previously asked me abt what #the worst anime i've ever watched is and i will never not take an excuse to drag the adaptation. and he figures that if i've read kuro i've #probably read more. and so i mention tbhk and he asks more abt it bc of the name involving toilets and him being a 4th grade boy so i give #brief overview and he wants to read it. and i come up with a scheme to make him peaceful AND to give him something to talk to me abt which #isn't 'i know you've read more shonen manga' 'let me gacha on your phone' or 'i saw an ad for rent a gf. thought it was lame. and now want #you to tell me how it sucks bc i assume you know everything abt every animanga ever' (<does unfortunately know too much abt rent a gf bc i' #a bit of a nosy bastard and watched the mother's basement video). so i offered to bring it in bc i own physicals of the whole series and of #as previously mentioned. gave it a quick reread in advance just in case. and got hit by it. hard. i love you tbhk almost as much as i love #when ppl get into things through me. honestly i think getting to live vicariously through him might be one of the main reasons it got me #this time around and not as much the first time (still loved it the first time though). flash forward a little while. one of the 3rd grade #girls is like. really into reading. and also macabre things. like ghosts. and she has two books from the school library. and has had the #same two books from the school library for over a week. she reads quickly and finished them both in under a day and is now bored out of her #mind rereading them. she asks to read the books i've been letting the other kid read. now there are two of them #romeo.txt

[barkingangelbaby]

I feel like such a broken fucking person lol

I talked way too much in the tags don't read them

#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!! #been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust #i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short #i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways #i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and #i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc #we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk. #i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus #t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do #n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on #being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it #I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her #like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky #i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up #i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on #like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything #idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions #today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others #i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day #rAMbles

[beansnpeets]

Yesterday while we were gone we left Sprocket uncrated. I put the xpen across where the litter boxes are and left an opening just for the cats so Sprocket wouldn't snack while we were gone and I put the baby gate across the entrance. I made sure there was nothing in her reach that she might do anything with that would be an issue and I had Jon's mum take the dogs out in the middle of the day so nobody would have an accident before we got home.

She did SO good. Everything was totally fine and she was so so happy to see us when we got back. She's never been alone all day like that before and she was SO so so good. I'm so proud of her. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I've been doing a good job raising this dog. She missed me so much that she's been glued to me all morning. Unfortunately I have to go to work so I won't get to hang out with her, but we will do something fun after work. Oscar is used to this, we've done this lots before. This was just the first time since we got Sprocket. Every time I've gone somewhere for the day I've always brought her along, but it was nice to not have to worry about leaving her in the vehicle to go into stores and stuff this time. I was worried about how she was at home, but very relieved to find everything was fine when we did get home.

#barkin up some trees #shes a good dog im honestly very happy with how she has grown #shes a dog i enjoy living with and im so proud of her #and honestly of me because ive never raised a puppy before #Oscar was not really a puppy when we got him #shes a good dog and an easy dog #i am very fortunate to have such good dogs #and shes gonna be 2 this november! #cannot believe #like wowie we're out of puppyness like fully #shes so nice and sweet and i am so glad my awful baby dog turned into such a nice lady

[vilelittlecritter]

Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"

People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"

Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"

#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse #like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont #ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean #i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun #lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly #oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well #the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that #oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour #as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little #so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends! #ha ha. this is agony. #i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone #which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one #also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse #i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy #its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking #yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much #im also just really snappy sometimes #I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine #they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them #i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents #they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them #sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone #i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it #sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay #I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor #again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon #if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed #personal rambles #vent tag

[comradecowplant]

so things are not going well with my new elderly socdem friend unfortunately.

#she said this RIGHT after talking about how bad yt misinfo is... which she followed up w SO I WAS WATCHING A YT DOC ABOUT WW2 & LEARNED THIS #youtube 'historians' are literally the most fascist breed of youtuber. avoid the vast majority like the plague lmao #i asked if the video was sourcing the hollow dahmer & the black book of communism & she didnt seem to know what those are lol #to her credit i told her straight up that she was incorrect & she at least faked being curious about doing more research but i am doubting #she also 'learned' that lenin killed trotsky lol get your propaganda right lenin was dead by then STALIN icepicked him <3 #anyway im making jokes bc the worst part was a different conversation where she spoke positively of israel #THAT'S gonna be the one to ruin our friendship. fuck you & your war tourist friend who fought in the 1960s landgrabs that youre now #telling me as if this is a cute story. nahhhh lmao i looked her straight in the eye & said i will NOT debate this #so she dropped it like the true enlightened centrist most socdem cowards are and i kept cleaning her house quietly #turns out You & Me We're the Only Ones Around Here Who Aren't Complete Fools was premature *kicks the poorly rendered gravel sadly* #shes otherwise a nice lady & i know i need to be more flexible in order to hopefully change ppls minds... #but also when people say awful & untrue things it makes me not want to talk to you 🤷‍♂️ srry 2 b a freak like that #also i know shes not transphobic but i havent sniffed her out well enough to know if shes safe to come out to #so its hours of misgendering (which isnt her fault she doesnt know) bc shes obsessed with neoliberal feminism and inappropriately brings #gender into conversations that it does not belong in #'did you know all the countries that handled covid best were ran by women?' 1) untrue 2) dont care finland still sucks #she also tried to tell me that european rich people learned to be nicer after the french rev & thats why europe is better than america... #girl shut up we learned how to be so good at racism and capitalism BECAUSE of europe. there is no such thing as a good rich person!!! #i pick my battles (genocide & anticommunist genocide revisionism) so i let her cook w that one & was not left convinced as you can imagine #ANYWAY rant about today's weird day done. gonna smoke weed & rim some skies 🥵 while listening to the Khrushchev Lied audiobook i found 😘

[perenlop]

let me tell you it is so easy to tell when some people went to high school in a super liberal area or didnt suffer from bigotry there.

#i unfortunately cant say that i am in disbelief to what happened to nex. horrified yes. shocked? no #im gonna be vague so i dont doxx myself but ppl at my school were straight up arrested for open hate crimes #there were proud neo nazis there who would brag about the holocaust #i had a gnc art teacher and she was ripped to shreads there. it was all excused bc ‘’she was off’’ #my neighbor posted a trans girls info online to slander her and get her targeted for harassment. after she’d been her best friend #i grew up watching the girls volunteer to help my brother in the special ed classroom walk out mocking his voice and echolalia #saying even worse things about his classmates. down to comments about murder suicide #if they had a kid with high needs #and all the while the faculty turned a blind eye and punished the victims #and like….. i know i wasnt in a particular awful area compared to some of the well known racist states #this is a problem and it has been for a long time. you all just turned a blind eye #bc ha ha bullying is normal for high school tee hee! until a child is dead. #echoed voice #like… its disturbing to me jow easily i could see nex’s death happening anywhere. the nex’s we dont know about because this is so normalized #how a child had to die before some people started to realize something was wrong

[phoneheadedtrans]

oh my god just transition already

#(this is directed towards the mc of the summer I turned pretty) #(help me I'm being held against my will and being forced to read this awful awful book) #(literally darius the great beach episode with how whiny she is) #'I feel in love at that moment' YOU ARE 10 YEARS OLD #YOU DID NOT JUST FALL IN LOVE YOU DID NOT GET YOUR HEART BROKEN #why are you making out with an 18 year old at 14/15??? #I hate the phrase but I am getting second hand dysphoria from this book #my post #books

[textualviolence]

well. i DO know how joan of arc felt.

#read souriau's the work to be done and the portion where he talks about how when an individual realises he has been called upon by a work #which he must realise in the time he spends with it he is not alone #and the work is not alone either they are in intimate whispering union with one another #& i have had this many times but this week has been the experience of trying to get the work its proper due realization while someone #(assigned classmate for group project) is actively insulting me & thwarting me at every turn #he doesn't get what im trying to do or why i must do it and as a result thinks i am an insane idiot and hates my guts #insults everything i do and tries to get me to drop the insistence on what i know is the right way to proceed #& it is objectively awful but also the whole time the work itself is there saying i am the one who matters and if you do anything except #ignore him and get on with my realization you are betraying me #and people don't get it they're like why don't you just drop it & let this guy have his way. or alternatively why don't you tell him #to fuck off & drop the project. it's clearly taking a lot out of you you're letting this guy ruin your life etc #and its not the guy its the work. the work demands #and im so oddly at peace with it. he sent me like 9 messages nitpicking every portion of my section & it was so strange #bc i was like yes this hurts my feelings at the same time the work itself is by my side like the angels speaking to joan when she was #being tortured. you say i am of the devil i have none to defend me #but the angels are there by my side and i know i belong to them as they belong to me

[lilgynt]

got un depressed enough to take the dog on a walk immediately got re depressed and had to lay down after letting mom know she didn’t have to walk her tonight

#personal #oh okay thanks mom i frequently flash back to moments with dad at a worrying rate #came home crying yesterday #i’m losing more and more hair in the shower and i’m trying to tell myself it’s not what i think it is even tho getting worse with my ed #am considering just never reaching out to my eldest brother again bc he 180ed during dads thing or like just showed who is he is under #pressure my jobs awful my car is breaking down the dog needs a tooth pulled and my dad is dead #and my mom can’t just keep it straight on if she likes or hates me #or if i’m selfish or not #and ignores me but not cruelly which is worse actually #like my mom stone walling me bc she’s upset or something? okay #it’s so hard to describe like. she cares but she doesn’t #she’ll bring me food or ask how my day is going #but i try holding a conversation or anything and she can’t acknowledge me or turn away from the tv #not even bc she’s mad!! she’s just. not? interested? #i don’t know how to describe it #and im upset she said i was selfish during dads death but she’s a acting like we’re fine now #how are we good. if you genuinely resent me and how i acted during that period how are we good #i can barely talk to you without getting super angry or really desperately wanting you to just. i don’t know not be you? be normal ?

[bredforloyalty]

i'm getting tired of lying to my mother

#but i know she can't help me any more than she already has and if i tell her how far behind i am with uni stuff i'll just have to deal with #her judgment too. these conversations are awful #''how are things'' ''oh you know‚ fine'' when i want to cease to exist and i have no motivation to do anything at all. #i feel like a broken machine #like there is just no way out all the exits are blocked. and i have to lie to my mom and know that when i break down or when i drop out of #uni she's going to be extra hurt and disappointed #and then she'll be hurt and my consultant and my research partner will be hurt and my friends will pity me and i just wish i could #stop time or turn it back #everything is fucked!!!! 👍 #kata.txt

[that-was-anticlimactic]

actually, no. you know what? i am so sick of this “marinette is just a friend” bs. okay. cool. adrien said she was just a friend a few times. whatever. it’s not that big of a deal and everyone in the mlb fandom like. hyperfixates on that??? idc if it’s a “just a joke” because it’s utterly ridiculous at this point. i have literally seen people go on heated rants about how stupid or clueless adrien was during the umbrella scene because he called mari just a friend. are you kidding me??? y’all are really going to take away that moment for him? he just made like his first ever friend in nino and when he called her a friend, he looked so excited because this boy has only ever had one friend before. of course he’s going to call mari just a friend because he just met her and the only time she’s actually spoken to him outside of the suit at this point is to yell at him like... y’all...

and this is not me hating on mari because i love her so so so much. i just hate how passionate and heated fans get about this. i mean... y’all... adrien didn’t even think mari liked him??? like, in puppeteer two, he is literally upset because he came to the conclusion that mari hates him. also, of course he’s not like in love with or crushing on her when she’s barely spoken actual sentences to him! again, not me hating on mari and her nerves because like i get it, it’s hard. and also this is like adrien’s first time interacting with people as peers, so 1. of course romance is not his main priority 2. he doesn’t understand social cues or situations very well At All which is made abundantly clear in the show 3. i don’t... i don’t think adrien knows what affection is??? i mean, he’s definitely learned some over the course of the show, but he’s used to a neglectful / abusive father, his stoic assistant, his bodyguard who doesn’t really talk like at all, chloé being chloé, and hoards of fans declaring that they’re in love with him, hanging all over him, acting like he’s a shiny thing rather than a person, etc... so like. how is adrien supposed to actually comprehend that mari likes him???

and okay no my last point: so so so sick of the double standard. i have seen countless people rant and rave and scream and shout about how stupid adrien is for not returning mari’s feelings or knowing he has a crush on her and then these same people will turn around and berate chat noir and say things like “gosh ladybug isn’t obligated to return his feelings:/” like... hELLO??? why is ladybug not obligated while adrien is??? it’s ridiculous and disgusting and i’m so so so tired of “just a friend” jokes on tumblr, in art, in fics, in youtube compilations... like... can’t we be normal about this? and i don’t mean normal as in “casually enjoy” i mean normal as in can we stop being so aggressive and harsh and hostile towards literal fourteen year olds my God they’re children they’re allowed to make mistakes and mess up and my God the way y’all talk about lila is disgusting, too like i hate her but i don’t want her tortured and killed??? and the way people characterize the classmates as physically and verbally assaulting mari because of lila??? like... my God they would never??? they would all honestly side with mari chameleon is a bad episode and is poorly written and everyone is out of character please use your critical thinking skills and understand that chat noir is not harassing ladybug anymore than mari may be harassing adrien (aka they are not harassing each other at all my God) and stop insulting and demonizing fourteen year olds so your otp can get together thanks

#i have. feelings. #sorry y'all #this may be harsh but i am so beyond sick of it #i've been going through the classmates tag on ao3 and filtered out all the s.alt fics for all the characters and the majority of the fics #i'm seeing are aggressive lila takedown fics or like unproperly tagged s.alt fics #where the classmates are still rude and aggressive and bully mari when even lila doesn't really bully mari that badly??? like yes it is #awful that she tried to get her expelled and lied a bit about her but lila has never been physical nor tried to kill mari and nor would any #of the classmates actually turn against her like. they may disagree with her or think she may be acting on her crush and yes lila did #threaten mari in the bathroom but like... what has she done since then? try to get her expelled and then... nothing. like. this is Not me #saying not to take bullying seriously but people take it to the extreme with lila and how she treats mari in fics and i am so so so sick of #it!!! i just want to read mlb classmate fics where they're all silly and being teenagers without mari being unreasonably and uncanonically #bullied and without the tags 'alya/adrien/classmate redemption' HELLO??? WHY DO THEY NEED TO BE REDEEMED??? THEY AREN'T VILLAINS??? THEY ARE #FOURTEEN??? as a rule of thumb i refuse to read fics with those tags like sorry but if you tag fics like that then you obviously don't know #the characters. i'm sorry if this sounds mean or harsh it's just exhausting trying to find fun or sweet or found family mlb fics because so #many of them are so negative and ooc and involve like extreme hatred towards fourteen year old fictional children... like... how do we not #see the problem with that??? like... am i overreacting??? please someone tell me they agree with me!!! i've been working on this really #stressful assignment that determines whether i graduate my future career and also costs three hundred dollars to take so i've been really #stressed and every time i try and take an mb fic break i end up more stressed because the fandom is so cruel to children ahhhhhhhh #okay i am. done. maybe i'll delete this later... i just need to see if someone agrees with me because i am. :))) on the verge of losing it #lol #mlb

[deeisace]

Fucking christ

#managed to escape to bed before 11 #dad put on some american thing and then went out to help my grandparents' carer with my grandad getting to bed #im pretty sure my stepmum's upped her methodone to cope with being alcohol sober for the first time in at least 20 years #shes falling asleep and slurring her words just the same as she always has #idk we don't talk about it #idk if dad's done the same but he's very proud of not having had a drink for 6 months #anyway i woke her up so there'd be less bother about me going to bed #and she gets me a pillow cs i didn't have one and is like #and is talking about like my dad goes out to help his parents every night (in a tone of voice of isn't it awful) #and how my nan's looking better than she was - which is good obviously #but i can't help thinking of the other week my nan couldn't breathe or really talk and rang my stepmum to help her #because she couldn't breathe and thought she was dying #and my stepmum told her like. all as if it's trouble. oh well i can't stay long ive got things to do. #to an old woman who's lungs are full of fluid. who can't breathe. and thinks she's dying. #anyway. #im going to do my best not to think about any of that #oh also one of the characters in the american thing dad put on is trans and my stepmum was immediately like oh dyou think she's a man? #no. no i do not think she's a man. fuck offfffff #anyway. anyway. #i am. going to turn my brain off from stress by watching death in paradise

[majoringinsarcasm]

Crying. About. Politics.

I try not to think too hard about anything otherwise I’ll lose my mind. And this is not a hopeless post. This is just me saying. I feel like. A lot of people are gonna vote for Trump. From your hardcore republicans to truly normal people who are like well Biden was bad we can survive Trump again. And I think about the policies and laws and regulations that have been Good that aren’t in the big news. And I think about how RIGHT NOW states are banning books and sex ed and queer people just living period. And I think about how if the state of things is this bad Now? What’s it gonna be like under a presidenr who Actively agrees with or will go along with this shit for votes.

“We survived Trump” says the people who are still here. “We can survive another four years” says the people who won’t be pushed to maybe not stick around for that long.

#big sigh #also idk how to tell ppl that ONE the genocide on Gaza should not LAST ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR #that is not what this is talking about #but the man who wanted Mexico to pay for a wall to keep them out of the US AND MEANT IT #I don’t think he would be rallying to save Gaza yall like #am I happy about our system no am I angry at ALL branches that have hindered a ceasefire yes #but you can’t tell me that Trump would care #this is not a ‘pass’ for Biden but a reminder that ppl in congress NOW were brought in back then #and that checks and balances can help and also hinder #there are many red states right now bc ppl either don’t care or they genuinely think it’ll help them #I don’t think I could come out to my coworkers in a way that would be meaningful despite them liking me already #I cannot explain to them why I don’t bind or don’t LOOK TRANS #or worse id be seen as the Acceptable trans bc I Keep It To Myself and go by she her and ma’am #even tho my team lead who I love referred to me as a woman and it upset me more than I thought it would #I’ve been so resigned to cosplaying as cis in public that she her was just a thing I lived with and thought I was ok with #but it turns out not so much #which is great for affirming that I’m not faking it after a decade of self reflection but bad for every other reason #idk it’s not good times so many people are dead when they shouldn’t be and too many people #are FINE with it under the name of stopping terror #but talk to them about domestic terror and they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about #it’s fucking awful awful awful