#i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this.

[8rujaa]

my therapist really saved me….

#tw abuse // tw sa #i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this. #like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her #i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling #literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her #i was so dissociated during our first few sessions #thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out #i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking #i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session #she’s truly incredible. #i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’ #i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong #and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’ #she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be #best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’ #i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply #doing what’s best for me was an option… l #ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress #when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength. #yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D #me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress #im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help. #the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened. #my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’ #LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said #’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’ #she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point #she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help) #im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it #my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.

[mrsdulac]

.

#a wonderful day turned into a horrific night #i am freaking out #i was staying with a friend #a really good friend and i love them so much #i truly do but their home is infested and I don’t do well with bugs #i tried my hardest to spend the night but there were bugs all over me and i just couldn’t take it #and it was freaking me out #to the point where i think i had a panic attack #so i ordered a uber to go home #in the middle of the night #and i can still feel the fucking roaches on my skin #and I’m breathing real hard in my uber trying to keep it together #and i feel so awful about it #bc i didn’t wake them up to tell them i was leaving #i was honestly just thinking about escape #but i know it’s gonna hurt their feelings which i don’t want to do #but i just can’t sleep in a place where bugs are gonna crawl all over me like #one of my biggest fears is a bug crawling inside my body via my ears or nostrils or whatever #so i just ran #and i feel like that makes me a bad person… #i’m just having a really bad night rn #and could use a hug or three

[the-travelling-witch]

hi hollyyyy im just dropping in to provide some additional info regarding kingdom hearts/FF to the non FF/KH players 🏃‍♀️

sora (the lil guy u posted) is actually a brunette 14-16 (depending on game) years old kid

the reason why some might confuse cloud w him/KH is bc cloud (and other well known FF characters such as tidus(x), selphie(viii), aerith(vii), squall(viii),etcetc) also appear in the KH games as characters :) FF/KH have the same publisher and designer (most ff games) and its not a disney game but rather a collab. sorry for rambling, youn out 🏃‍♀️

hiii youuuuuun!! it’s definitely nice to have someone around who’s knowledgeable on ff if i ever do wanna pick it up

(lmao i actually know who sora is and that he’s brunette despite having not much interest in kingdom hearts, i think i watched some content for it when i was younger, i was just trying to pass him as dirty blond for the joke jsjsh /silly; i was not informed on his age though, so i partially retract my twink statement)

i didn’t know that they had the same designer since they never really felt similar to me, but now that you mention it i do vaguely recall seeing sora and cloud next to one another some time

(but honestly i might have passed it off as being from smash bros since i think both of them are in there? or at least cloud and shulk are, i think, idk i didn’t keep up with who they added lol)

anyway, don’t worry about rambling, i really don’t mind <3

#┊✩彡 divine correspondence ♡ #┊✩彡 cherished guests ♡ #┊✩彡 letter from — youn ♡ #i keep seeing ffviir vids on my fyp #and the game looks really good #but i can’t shell out 70€ for a game i don’t have time to play ㅠㅠ #‘i really don’t mind’ from the person who went on a 1.5k ramblepage (a ramble rampage) about one silly hc #┊⩇⩇:⩇⩇ ✧˖° #<— might as well put this here #i’m far from coherent and should be sleeping already #i think i need to mark better when i’m joking #the people i talk to regularly know that i’m not serious most of the time #but i forget that not everyone can read my mind hshsh my bad #this also made me realise that i use their names (cloud sora shulk) too little bc i just expect everyone to know who they are atp

[roses-and-tears]

.

#I have spent. 8 almost 9 hours resetting my laptop. I chose the option to keep all my files but uninstall apps. and it has been restarting #and installing for almost 9 hours. yeah I get that the process will be long. but ffs #I have been bored the past few hours so I watched the smile movie bc I got reminded of it yesterday #it was pretty bad. the couple gorey scenes towards the end were nice but some of the acting and writing was just terrible #I was also hoping the movie would’ve taken a different turn. I think it would’ve made it more.. idk. I can’t think of the right term.- #-it just would’ve made it better I think. #I’ve also eaten a lot today. more than I usually do. more than I have in months and years and im upset about that. im already bloated. #I hope I don’t work tomorrow. I have to call in in the morning to check. and I don’t mind working but rn I just kind of want to spend the #day relaxing #I’ve spent almost 9 hours on this resetting part. and 4 extra hours trying to simply repair it in restarts #I also need to clean up my room. a lot of it. and clean my pets cage. it’s ant season now and im really stressed about that #the smell of sharpie returns and I am just. overwhelmed. I have 3 days to prepare for my special week long activity and im not happy about- #-that. #I also had some feelings earlier that im stressed over too. #im being vague about that bc i just don’t want to go off about that to everyone #im tired and overwhelmed i just want my laptop to finish resetting so i can stop fretting about this. i want to sleep #im tired. of so much #to delete later

[terriblelizbians]

whenever im really really stressed and too scared to open my computer bc there’s deadlines in there, and then i finally peek at my email and there’s something saying the deadline has been pushed back. oh it does something bad to my brain. but good to my heart...

#like thank fuck bc i was procrastinating and about to be Fucked #but also this is absolutely enabling my procrastinatory tendencies #but also it would have been. Bad if i didn’t have more time #i think i would have been able to get it done but then i would definitely skip my early morning class tomorrow #which ive already missed too much of because i can’t exist in the morning #not to start crying about a different issue on this post about one issue but. #it sucks in general the whole ‘you only get our minimal meager accommodations if you give us proof from a hundred doctors’ bs #but my sleep-tired-whatever problems is especially frustrating for me personally #like i know it’s not my fault or my choice and i know it’s literally just how my body works #but it feels like. impossible to convey to people who demand that sort of proof #’sorry i keep missing your class. um well it’s because im too tired. yes i know everyone is but it’s different for me. it’s like a Thing.’ #i know technically i can go get like. specific sleep related tests all done or whatever. #i just don’t like talking to doctors about my problems lol

[pepprs]

not doing good. at all

#purrs #today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge #getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a #and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak #i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry #and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d #do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b #be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of #km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for #any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is #making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis #miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being #shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this #delete later

[hellfireeddiemunson]

i should really just go to sleep but i don’t want toooooo i don’t want to wake up and go to work 😭😭😭😭😭

#i wish i could have a month off of work no consequences and i still got money for it i just wanna be able to do whatever i want and have #free time and i don’t want to have to work this kuchhhhh i’m sick of it and i’m SO TIRED IN THE MORNING it makes it absolute HELL to try to #get to work on time i’m late every single day and have been for MONTHS bc my schedule is exhausting for someone who can’t keep a consistent #and GOOD sleep schedule i just wanna stay up late sometimes and sleep early other times but i work the same time all of the time so i’m just #running off not enough sleep EVER and have to take naps if i even CAN and then that in turn fucks up the time i’ll sleep after that #like i literally CANNOT win here i don’t get what i’m supposed to do i don’t want to do it anymore dude #i wish at. LEAST i could go in like a half an hour later i genuinely think i wouldn’t be late everday but waking up between 6-7 is HARD and #the earlier i wake up the more time i need to try to be awake but the later i wake up the more i scramble and fight to try and get ready #fast enough like even THAT i can’t get down right !!!!!! i just want to be able to go to work on time and not have anxiety about it everyday #my boss clearly doesn’t care enough and that’s fine i should be relieved to know she just cares that i show up and do my shift but like i #just don’t know dude i’m just going on and on and i need to shut up #i’m going to smoke and go to bed soon i guess???? idk i’ll be on here til i do tho

[justinefrischmanngf]

going through it.

#i literally thought to myself i need to be 6 again which is how you know things are Not Good!!!!!!!!!! #i don’t know what i Want and it’s driving me CRAZY and every option feels so scary but i don’t think in actuality it is #i’m so fucking tired but i can’t sleep bc i was stupid and slept at 6pm and fucked it up #i have two classes tomorrow and i havent done the work for either of fjem #* them which is embarrassing and i need to make a decision that is quite significant and i thought i knew what i was going to do about it #but now i’m not sure and every minute is getting closer to when i do have to decide #and i’ve got a roommate again so i cant even just. like. idk. #and physically i feel like shit and i have to see my dad tomorrow night and i just wish i wasnt attached to anyone ever #but clearly i dont bc i keep doing things that make me attached to things/people so i need to get over myself #and i’m really worried abt something happening at home like idk it’s set off alarm bells in my head #all of this will be absolutely fine i just wish there wasnt an all of this in the first place #and i wish i could fault something other than my bad decisions but at the end of the day these are consequences of my actions so like. #that’s that and now i have to deal with it

[tyrianlynch]

I started watching Suits today and have been playing the sims nonstop and have been reading nothing but fanfiction about gay firefighters and articles about how the CIA started a domino effect that created al qaeda and the taliban so yes I’m doing super well mentally

#I’m honestly like doing okay in a lot of aspects like I feel like I’m taking steps towards having a life I enjoy #but taking small steps over a long period of time gets so exhausting #and I keep saying ‘I just need to keep going and keep trying to add things into my life that bring me joy and then life will be better’ #but it’s taking so fucking long and I’m tired of the ‘just keep going’ part and wanna get to the ‘every waking moment isnt a nightmare’ part #like can that happen now please #and I keep getting too cocky and thinking I’m there and universe does its best to push me down and put me in my place #I have a great day with a new friend at a beautiful location? cool but ur gonna be in such bad pain u can’t stand for at least 3 days after #i go out to eat with my family? sick but ur gonna get nauseous no matter what u eat and ur gonna be so exhausted ur gonna sleep for 2 days #and it’s just never gonna end is it? bc that’s the chronic part of chronic illness #this is the life I’ll be subjected to until the day I die #anyways not even my deep mental anguish can stop me from obsessively reading about the Soviet-Afghan war #and the main guy of suits is such a pathetic babygirl and I’m obsessed with him #and my sims are about to graduate college #and I’ve been writing and I made new friends and was invited to an event with them and am going to a dance party in a week #and I’m trying really hard to remember that things aren’t always awful

[obitohno]

.

#i am so ill #i’ve been bedridden since saturday #n it’s the worst bc i am getting no sleep #i am constantly wide awake but i feel like death #n i can’t even sleep the pain away #my throat is swollen too n i’ve been getting migraines #my eyes ache so badly n my fever keeps coming n going #i think i have blown my nose more times in the last two days than i have in my whole twenty six years of living #i’ve literally gone through three loo rolls #THREE LOO ROLLS #doctors got back to me about my bloods n they were all clear so they’re referring me for an ecg #idk when i’ll be well enough to be back #but just wanted to say that i’m not dead yet

[8rujaa]

to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?

#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened #i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close #and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way #i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao #now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest #and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell #i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop #but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again #i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier #it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men #and i find myself unable to connect with anyone… #i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed #i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it #i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly. #i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad #i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so #i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized… #when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was #like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u #i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function. #plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized #how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone… #i went thru all that for nothing… #and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why #brain vomit

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

I really really wish dreams were easier to understand/interpret

#thoughts #oni talks #oni vents #I keep having dreams/nightmares about repressed memories &/or memories in general or like investigations or smth #like my dreams will be point blank referencing something going so far as to literally tell me that in dream but either I don’t know what or #I don’t fully understand why? like some stuff is obvious and easy & usually I figure it out in dream or right after #but other times it’s just like ???? or it’s like I have some of the pieces but not all of them and I have no idea what picture I’m supposed #to be trying to put together for the puzzle either? sometimes dreams are just cool adventures with like messaging or processing #other times it’s memories and I can tell I’m in a memory but I either can’t tell which one or why or it’s like a hazy remix of several ? or #sometimes it’s like there’s someone else there with me guiding me through it? sometimes it’s like another me or a demon or a ghost or a god #I’ve also noticed a huge uptick in dreams/nightmares where it’s like I can tell the time period they come from and it’s been getting #like progressively younger? like I had some post grad then high school then middle #and then last sleeps one was elementary or younger maybe bits & pieces where I was slightly older? #I remember going through different places i lived in order to figure out my ideal living area but there was a memory block on one area #& I remember exploring like my childhood home & I know I was a kid because I was short and everything looked like it did when I was little #everything was bigger & I remember there was I think parties? & AU versions of my family some supernatural #ik there was an investigation w/ me & an Alt ver of my sis bc smth happened to both of us & it was like a whodunnit while a cooking comp was #sort of in the back ground? think iron chef but supernatural it went between that and parties where I was the only kid there so if I go #based on that there’s at least 2 maybe 3 hazy memories of parties my siblings had? 1 was in upstairs bathroom which was hazy but I remember #I was alone with this one girl in the bathroom at some point who I think later died if it’s the same girl & then the other one there’s hazy #memories of I think me showing one of my sisters friends around the basement? around the same area as the dream too #I also keep having dreams/nightmares of the same house ik I had one before where it was abt how me+siblings have ties there that will keep #leading us back & I think my dad was trying to sever it or fix it from the afterlife? I’ve had a lot of dreams about him & the house #he’s usually either dealing w/ smth there or stuck or needs my help or it’s just memories/easier there but occasionally he gets really creep #like I had a nightmare a while ago where he was this scary shadow man at the end of the basement hall I didn’t actually know if it was him #but bc dream logic I wanted it to be him so I ran towards him & it turned into an older version that wouldn’t have been there normally #also weird coz it’s normal to have nightmares abt certain members of my family but the recent one was very different than they normally are #I’m not usually as young like I’m often younger (sometimes older) but not usually that same feeling and time period #I think the last time I rmemeber having nightmares like that was when I WAS that age back when I used to have nightmares every night #+ ofc occasional sleep paralysis (thanks tonsils) it’s like my brain is trying to remember all the stuff I’ve blocked out over the years

[firewoodfigs]

#me this fine thursday morning 🤠 #honestly I’ve been really enjoying my new job because I get to specialise in what I want and my boss is a literal angel #like i would do anything for her bcs she is such a kind soul who is constantly looking out for the people under her charge #and she’s so down to earth and easy to work with #BUT. my mom has been throwing all kinds of shade and subtext at me #and I keep telling myself it’s a small thing I’m used to it it shouldn’t grate on my nerves so much #but it does??? and I can’t keep gaslighting myself??? #tldr she lowkey thinks I got ‘let off’ my previous job bcs I was lazy and left a bad impression due to my coming in late #but what about all the 3am nights?????? girl’s gotta sleep???? #also I literally told my previous job ‘give me disputes or nothing’ and they couldn’t give me what I wanted bcs it was a bad time #and just recession vibes #so they offered for me to go to Dubai instead #which my mom just INSISTS was a dumping ground bcs I wasn’t good enough or smt wtf #meanwhile she gets so defensive of my sister who hasn’t worked for nearly 4 years #I tried to tell her FACTS and she literally told me not to accuse my sister and that she’s working part time and I’m like??? she’s not??? #and my sister is being so miserly and insufferably calculative over every penny #while JETTING OFF EVERYWHERE ON BUSINESS CLASS. I JUST. ?!?-&:&/!:!:!:$: #anyway the subtext is just that my mom is concerned her only source of income aka me will be cut off lol #but I was still??? giving her an allowance while travelling??? meanwhile my sister is just asking us to cough up $$ for her share of the #mortgage?????!????!!!!? #what a morning. I’m so mad I could punch a wall lol #Spotify

[kuiinncedes]

.😎

#not me on my phone in the dark when i kinda have a lowkey headache 🤡 good decisions lol #we love this cold and we love getting my period along w this cold 🥳 #i keep coughing and spurting out blood so fun lmao #and i do be coughing a lot today 😌 #bro i need to stop lmfao i think it’ll be so funny if someone asks what everyone got for chrismas in whatever context #bc we don’t rly celebrate anymore (i mean rly like not at all anymore lol) #so this yr i’ll just be like i got a cold from my brother 🥰🥳 #i am not making it better by staying on my phone rn when most of my days are on a screen anyway lol #anddbdhjedsjsjn i feel like i had something else i wanted to complain i mean talk about but idk 🤪 #i have design/ated survivor just like stuck in my head but it’s a tv show lmfao but anyway #it’s rly distracting from trying to go to slee :[ )8 #idk what happened there i’m on my phone lol *(i’ve been going to sleep so early is crazy lmfao) #hehe a friend texting me merry crisis at 11:47 pm slay #jeanne talks #i also just like can’t breathe thru my nose at all today :[ which is helping me sleep lmao #or maybe i actuallly got too much sleep and i’m not sick enough to be tired anymore lmfao

[nightly-ruse]

I swear I’m working on art it’s just taking a long ass time bc I have A LOT OF SHIT to catch up on. Um also it’s another hypoparents things sorry

#also mega gay um not so sorry about that #I want to finish it so bad but every time I do I am put back to work on my actual important things #which is good so I’m not even more behind but incredibly frustrating #all I want to do is finish these cats but nooooooo #anyways I also only want to draw mothwing so um that’s what’s happening #can feel a little bit of a breakdown teetering on the edge of my mind but I’m avoiding it #would rather not breakdown. if it does happen atleast I knew beforehand #ruse rambles #I am very rambley bc I don’t want to go to sleep I hate sleep it is very stressful for me #having to wait for it to take over is the worst but also waking up paralyzed from nightmares sucks #it’s not like sleep paralysis it’s my brain thinking someone is behind me and if I move one bit they’ll attack #so Im stuck there willing myself to jsut swing around and get up #also can’t sleep facing the other way bc I roll and throw shit at night #then I wake up bc my blanket and pillow are gone #also also think my mom might be uh in bad health atm her coughing is getting really bad and she keeps #puking form the coughing. little sister is not helping with her constant fighting and trying to get out of school #moms on the edge of sending her off to therapy lol kinda funny but also not bc she’s causing so much stress on everyone #I’m going to shut up before I cap out on tags also need to write my daily report tjing so I’m going to do that bye sorry for the tags :)

[pepprs]

crying again lol ok

#purrs #and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking #damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I #miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out #FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks #being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i #even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just #text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or #at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju #just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an #and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be #been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode #and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b #be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a #breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing #on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here #delete later #like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway #and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy. #retreat tag