#any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

4dkellysworld · 2 months

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Hey! I have been reading about ND and loa for a while. Finally decided to apply it but then everything got so confusing. It feels so easy and calm when im reading but when I apply i keep getting triggered or stressed out by 3D stuff. For example: Do I just sit and do nothing and manifest me graduating my dream college?

But then since 3D shows my old state i’m still experiencing failed version. So like i need to think about plans to take care of myself and survive in my 3D. But at the same time, i don’t wanna do that i just wanna revise things and i will be in a different place.

It almost feels like as if I need to be in a two place at the same time. One for taking care of my body in 3D one for staying to true to my desired state. But this kinda feels stressful too. I kept changing my desires based on what I experience in 3D. Plus i can indecisive sometimes. When i ask this question most bloggers says but you’re just an awareness chill, yes cool i get it but let’s be real most of us have needs in 3D. Like basic needs food, place to stay and money etc. I wanna manifest them yk. In easy and simple way. How do I balance everything? How do you do it? I know i am an awareness and this human experience is nothing but still that doesn’t change the fact that im still being human and having needs.

Sorry for a long ask i didn’t think this would be this long. but thanks for helping <333

ND isn't actually a method to manifest, it's not something to be lumped in with LOA. I'll answer this time but I prefer not to answer questions so purely focused on "manifesting" which have nothing to do with ND.

It feels so easy and calm when im reading but when I apply i keep getting triggered or stressed out by 3D stuff. For example: Do I just sit and do nothing and manifest me graduating my dream college?

Because you take it to be real. If you take ego/mind/world to be real, then you can't just do nothing to get what you want. Even loa says that the 3D has nothing to do with reality because it's all a projection of your mind.

But then since 3D shows my old state i’m still experiencing failed version. So like i need to think about plans to take care of myself and survive in my 3D

No, you decided you are experiencing a failed version so then it keeps showing you a failed version, it's not your old state, it's your current state. Who is the 'I' who needs to take care of themselves and survive in the physical reality?

Even Neville Goddard says "The undisciplined mind finds it difficult to assume a state which is denied by the senses." Based on your questions, you don't actually understand ND or LOA. You dont understand the LOA fundamentals which tell you not to place any reality on 3D nor have you detached from ego/body/mind to understand your true self.

How do I balance everything? How do you do it? I know i am an awareness and this human experience is nothing but still that doesn’t change the fact that im still being human and having needs.

No, you read about being awareness and then decided that was your own knowledge but it won't be until you have your own realization of that fundamental truth, as evident by your saying 'I'm still human' - you aren't. This is the danger of just reading endlessly and never going within to understand it for yourself - you take what you read to be your own knowledge but you don't awaken from the dream just from reading. Your true self is beyond intellect and mind.

Know who/what you are and the questions will answer themselves. But to come from a LOA perspective, this post might help you.

The truth is, no matter how much they bark or even bite, the conditions of our physical realities don’t matter in the slightest with regards to the actuality of what we imagine. Our physical realities only become our masters because somewhere along the way we agreed they were. If you’re ever going to truly create the reality you desire, it’s completely necessary to untether and break away from this hypnosis that compels you to believe your physical reality is what’s real, controls you, and has an independent authority over you.

It makes no difference to the Law whether what it produces makes your day or sinks your ship. It’s not a god choosing to withhold or provide. You (your imagination) are the authority here, but if you’re stuck in unwanted cycles and not creating what you desire, then you’ve given that authority over to your physical reality. You’ve made it your god, and under this perspective, anything you imagine can only be a pipe dream or wishful thinking, at best. If we're continually manifesting the unfulfillment of our desires, it's because we've placed authority in a "reality" that shows us they are unfulfilled. Remember, your physical reality has no authority over you; it’s just information. Treat it as such. Giving it any more meaning keeps you stuck to it, and is certain to keep the physical experience your old self created firmly in place. If ongoing unwanted conditions persist in your reality, it’s only because you persist in unwanted states in your mind. Stop allowing them! The old self has to die so the new self can live.

To avoid confusion.. you are not imagination. LOA's 'you' is imaginary, but the true You is neither imagination nor imaginary. I just shared the above excerpts because you're coming from a LOA perspective.

You can also read Realisophie's posts and 4dbarbie's posts here and here. Also read this on why manifesting desires isn't the best way to realize Self.

In the past, no matter how much I would affirm "I have no worries, no doubts - it’s literally impossible for me to have any of that." it made little change because before realizing who I really was. I was still identifying with an ego I thought I had to convince to believe that. To know who you are means you have to convince no one and no thing because the ego doesn't exist, the mind doesn't exist, the doubts you are affirming against are made up (they have no existence outside of you). The only thing that is is Self.

^ Until you actually know this for yourself, manifesting will always be some sort of struggle.

Again this is not a LOA blog so I kindly ask you all not to send any more questions so focused on this, there's plenty of LOA blogs out there you can send these questions to.

#asks

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lains-reality · 9 months

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the hardest i keep trying to remain uninterested towards my thoughts and reaffirm that im awareness only and not the ego the more i feel angry that absolutely nothing is happening, not even feeling peace or fulfillment or anything, probably because i went into nd thinking its the same thing as loa and just wanting to get things but rn im done trying to convince myself that i dont care what my thoughts or my reality is, i dont know what to do about any of this anymore because ive read so much information (including the books ada shared) and now my brain feels fried and cant process shit i have no idea of where to go from here

firstly. take a break.

honestly, i've been thinking about honesty lol. i've realised that a lot of what i've been doing is to see a manifestation or feel love. but i never wanted to admit it. i might not ever have any """evidence""" for why i am pure awareness - my ego wants to understand. but i've moved on from trying to make it understand or convincing it. its perfectly fine as it is. it can walk, it can intelectualise (something that i actually want to stop doing with nd!), it can talk. thats okay with me. i don't want to demand or force anything more of it. i know what happens when i force my mind to do something, its a complete mess. i know that for the manifestations i want, that it requires me not to be a body-mind. it require something more. something timeless, boundless, etc. i cannot demand that from my body or mind. so i've decided to move past them, work with them when needed and soothe them when needed.

doing the inner work, depending on your ego, might be a thing you need to do (in fact i'd say that everyone needs to do it). its hard to just force yourself to disbelieve and detach. especially when forcing is not what you're supposed to do.

if you're in my inbox then you've read my posts, right?

so you see that i've recommended self inquiry before yes? and that i've put up books? you sound like you haven't read my posts? i've been reblogging so much and talked several times about no forcing!!

give yourself a chance. calm down. you're putting so much pressure on the body-mind to see your Self, BUT IT CAN'T, you are not that which you can observe!! you can't observe Self, THATS WHY THE MIND WILL NEVER GET IT! stop trying to force yourself to see your divinity, just appriciate the divinity you see now (you're literally ALIVE, breathing!! look at the world, you as Self created for YOU. Self fell in love with the character so much it forgot it was not it!!)

you're looking for some woo-woo magical experience that forever changes you - these ideas about enlightenment are not it. whatever ideas about enlightenment the mind had, throw it in the bin.

before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. after enlightenment - chop wood, carry water!! you'll be going through the world the same, except in how you see the world.

enlightenment is a destruction. its a destruction in how you see the world and yourself. that's it. in the end, you'll feel peace (as others have said so) but you're not there, are you? you're trying to get rid of ego through ego. stop.

you'll never know Self, until you see it yourself. this is through experiments and practise.

stop reading if its frying you're brain. you're entire ask can be solved by "ok i'm gonna take a break this is too much". please the answer to your questions is not some magical shit! this is why i've said before KEEP IT SIMPLE.

this goes to all anons now (not just you anon!) LEARN HOW TO EMOTIONALLY REGULATE YOURSELF. i might just make a big post on this or something.

reading

starting the journey

i've shared this too many times now

another regular article i share

disbelieve

how to let go of vanessa

i'm sorry more ada posts

another one

read this one

LEAVE VANESSA ALONE

#lainsmail #can you tell i'm holding back tears of anger #you're not incompetent YOU CAN DO IT #i mean this all lovingly anon

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mourninglamby · 5 months

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its actually cool to see people dissect minecraft roleplay like this, like to me yeah it was just a block game but the dark subjects matters just intertwined in a way that made it very... strange? i guess?

i feel like to really get it you have to have a certian amount of respect for the story and medium but also scorn of it, like i have sooo many problems with how things went in a million different ways, but i also think that when it worked it worked wonders. so its interesting to me for someone to dig deeper then the surface and really see it for what it was objectively

i hate that its attatched to the minecraft youtuber fandom in general because for the majority of time i was wathcing I was soley in it for a story, I dont think i even checked out a non story realated stream until like... june of that year

and i hate dream but like you said him being there and playing such a character just ads to the levels of weirdness and rawness

c!tommy got me through a dark dark time in my life, esp exile. I dealth with abuseful neglect and manipulation all my life, and i was in deep bouts of depression when those streams were coming out. but literally seeing a character portray such a raw and ugly realality of those things and yet still get back up again was comforting and cathartic

to me it was the colaboration between actor and audience that really made it unlike anything else, and also what really led to its destruction. but im glad it was there when i needed it

This is well said anon and I’m so sorry you went through something like that. Dsmp found me at a very terrifying time in my life in regards to trauma. I don’t want to get into it just as I’m sure you don’t either, but when youve been a victim of abuse, you gain a perspective that nobody else has. Your mind is permanently altered. We see things that might not be as easy to detect let alone digest for those who havent experienced that reality. or even people who are currently working through that trauma who don’t understand how to deal with it or approach it yet. And that’s not good nor bad. It just is.

I think it’s. Hard. It’s very hard to talk about. And it’s by design! I definitely agree some of the performances were amazing but with very little consideration for what to do next or how to conclude those arcs, things got messy quickly and I think they relied on their dogmatic rabid fans to deflect any serious criticism of that. And I expected them to! I expect people who tread dangerously to know what they’re doing, but they didn’t know what they were doing. That became clear to me very quickly.

And ya it is still very important to me as well… I have never seen myself in another victim in fiction quite as well as I have c!tommy. And I have found so many like minded people that I cherish and love so much. I just got back from hanging out with someone who I got close with online during dsmp! So as disgusting and scary as the community was, yes, I am also very glad it was here when I needed it. Because I needed it.

I hope we can all continue to heal from these experiences and move on to make/consume kinder art together 🌈💫💗

(Oh also I didnt/don’t(it’s complicated) care about the real people either. I actually was so detached I believed dsmp was all they did! It’s crazy how much of a second thought a lot of this was in hindsight. Which is both infuriating and worrying)

#abuse cw #long post #dsmp #adding main tag so ppl can filter it out if they don’t wanna see dsmp on this acc

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dear--charlie · 4 days

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Dear Charlie,

I feel like I may have fucked up a lot of things, and for some reason I cant stop. Lost my bf, childhood best friend, and now my new best friend. I really miss him tbh, but it’ll be fine. I think the only way I can fix things and bring some form of balance to my life is to just ghost everyone. I think a lot of things would’ve been better for everyone had I just left every single person I know alone. There has to be something wrong with me, even when I try to be better somehow I find a way to ruin any connection I have to people. The only way out is stop connecting. There’s no point anyways, I dont want to talk to anyone I dont want to tell people things anymore I want to just be alone forever. I need a break from life, sometimes existing is too much like sometimes I feel a little too alive or a little too emotional. Probably cause I feel everything intensely, even when I feel nothing I feel like in absolute. Its horrible how quickly things can turn. My mind is not somewhere I want to be, and its sad how much my brain hates me. I dont have anyone around anymore, and its all my own fault. Maybe I should just move on from everything and everyone. I think there’s something about being alone that I love though, maybe that’s why I do things that push people away. So that no one needs me around, im not reliable for a reason. This letter is all over the place im sorry. I just want a break from everything like just one little break. I’ll deal with it at some point but I just cant anymore I dont want to. As bad as life was this time last year I would go back to it all at least I always knew what to expect. Now its just non stop change and im not ready for it. As bad as he was at least I had someone. The best thing to do is just detach for a little while. I dont know how long, but I know I need to just leave everything. Its just scary to be by myself , no one has ever been crueller to me than I have.i keep trying to cry but I just cant. I dont know what’s wrong with me like how did this all happen when did I change and how did I not see it happen. The thing is does it really matter? Like does anything even actually matter? No one actually cares so what does anything matter?

Lately ive been feeling nothing and I cant cry anymore. I just feel nothing but not numb but numb in a way idk how to explain it. Maybe I just need time to myself, away from people. The thing is I dont like myself. I dont want to be alone but I cant stand being around people. I want to be left alone but I hate myself. No winning I suppose. Its weird how much I wanted to end my life before and now I just live with the self hate lol. My eating disorder is back like completely. Funny thing is now that I look like I did before, my mom said that I finally look like myself again. That made me laugh. Thing is lately thoughts of bulimia have been in my mind. Like if I eat something then I think I could just throw it up and it’ll be like it never happened. Isn’t having a sick mind the best?

love,

s<3

Ps. Thank you for always listening.. I know in some other reality we’re friends, and im telling you this over ice cream. unfortunately, in this one you are somewhere I dont know, and I am too. love u.

#s<3 #dear charlie

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pendragora · 4 months

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so yeah hard mental health times. i need to yell into the void. beware.

special disclaimer for my moots that feel the pressure of helping others: dont even think about it. dont feel the need to say anything, if you opened this.

its okay. ill be okay.

for the past two weeks ive been balancing being sick and trying to work to end semester well with my students. i am still trying to understand how my work in this community college actually ... works. it is hard sometimes. some days are better than the others, sometimes i feel like an absolute shit, sometimes i feel like garbage. it is fine. i know the source of this and, unfortunately, the source won't go away. it's the background noise of my life - being autistic.

unfortunately, this is not something that can be resolved. the pressure of being an autistic person in the world of neurotypical people is constant, even when i am on my own inside of my home. usually it is just about not being normal enough. i am used to it. as much as i try to go by with my little rules, my own routines and categorizing things the way they should be - it is not always a winning strategy because human interaction is anything but structured and operated by rules. in times when all i built to assist myself fails, my main concern is my own feelings - i tend to dramatisize a lot, which is, shocker, also an autism thing for me. no matter the therapy, no matter the work i put in, it is a to-go strategy for my mind always, and i guess it is to stay with me for my whole life. my own feelings and my own self becomes a priority when i can't have any control on the situation because it is very easy to fall into a spiral and make yourself feel unworthy of life. recently i had a breakthrough. i managed to get out of the dramatic state after an unpleasant situation in class within ten minutes time of working through it and rationalizing. it felts good. i felt proud.

mainly i just... i think i wanted to say that it was really hard to manage both the world around you and yourself. some days i feel like i am my own supervisor, my parental figure (tbh ive always been my own parent of sort) and at the same time my own trouble kid in the class. i have to at the same time mask and put out "neurotypical" persona to work through situations while my mind is acfively spiralling with intense emotions and i am throwing my all into attempting to stop it.

it's... tiring. it requires a lot. every single thing in life requires something of me. i have to put in effort into the smallest things because if i dont do it right i will be infinitely upset about myself and it will serve as a reminder that i am different. that even with people i feel most comfortable around, with the closest friends of mine i feel detached and isolated because first i must do things right and then i must do everything else. one time i was so stressed that i did not manage myself and went into my initial, not learned, reactions recently and it ended in a disaster with my friends that was looming over me for weeks prior to december.

it is just... hard. it is hard to always manage yourself. and i cant even tell anyone really because i dont... i dont want pity, or comfort, or anything else. i just want to be acknowledged. i just want to be told that indeed it is hard what i am doing. that i am doing great still. that all of my effort is not pointless.

i know it will never be any easier. i know that this is my reality as an autistic person. and im fine with that. it is life and i guess it is what it is. as long as im alive i am grateful for what i have even if my life just has to complete a combo of things that make me stand out and be different. i learned how to live the way i am. i learned and i will learn again and again how to live my own life. if only i could just... get that pat on the back and a hug from somebody who would understand and see me and efforts put.

i will put a little trigger warning here for suicide attempt. if somebody is reading this, don't read further. it will only be a mention, but still. need to make sure it's okay.

———————————————————————

i've been really unstable recently because in first half of december two years ago i almost ended this all for myself. it was a positive thing. it made me realize i needed to change somethint, i needed to seek help. and i did. i was in therapy. i was medicated. i somehow got out of the university and now my life is better than ever. no depression. no panic attacks. no desire to die. i live well and i want to live. i dont wake up every morning with the feeling of dread. i don't wake up to a regret. i wake up ready for the day. i wake up, go to my work and enjoy what i do. mostly i am... happy for the place i am at. everything else that is a dramatic worry of mine will be figured out and dealt with. i know i can handle it and find the best way for myself. i've done that before and i will do it again.

but because of how traumatic this time was for me two years ago, i am not very okay now. it is another background noise. it is another backhround noise that adds to all the other noises i have. and it is too much. this time it is too much. so i step down. take a deep breath. type this. i feel tears streaming down my cheeks, which is good.

it will be better. i will get better.

#lena exposed #not delete later but a secret option: to bury under countless reblogs

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theauthor2103 · 1 year

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Where I’m at right now:

I haven’t done any protest behavior so far. I realize now that on my old Angsty account my attachment style was activated and I was doing what’s called protest behavior. I didn’t know it at the time, in fact I wasn’t even aware that I had an attachment style. Today I realize that certain people can activate or deactivate me and it’s scary. I don’t want to be codependent on a relationship I have with someone and I also don’t want to feel smothered or like I have no space to myself. I read this book called attached that gives excellent advice on attachment styles and how to cope with them. It’s given me a newfound confidence in myself and helped me understand why I latch on to some people and detach from others. I haven’t been depressed in quite some time and I’m incredibly grateful for that. I spent the entire fall season in my room stuck in my head, crying every single day, wondering what was wrong with me and hating myself. Now I know that I was just activated, or rather my attachment style was. I wish I had known about attachment styles at that time, I feel like it would’ve really helped guide me through that time. I hurt some people that I cared about, or thought I cared about. I realize now that I was giving way too much of myself and also expecting too much in return. I know now that it’s selfish to give 110% of yourself and expect the same in return. I also know that it’s not fair to give someone my all no matter the person. I see now exactly how I have been affected and also how I hurt other people. I do believe that today I am aware of myself and my attachment style. I can start to see how I activate/ deactivate based on my attachment style. I know that it stems from a deep rooted fear that I have, but I know I that that fear I feel isn’t reality; rather, it’s just a feeling. I wish I could give people peace of mind. I wish I could take away their pain because I cannot stand seeing someone hurt. I think it’s because I know what it feels like to hurt alone and have no one notice. I just see myself hurting in that person and I want nothing more than to help. But, I know now that it’s better for me to offer comfort and advice (if it’s asked) instead of latching on to that person and trying to reassure them and then turn around and expect the same reassurance. I know today that I have to do what’s best for me and sometimes that’s walking through the most uncomfortable situations and leaving. I haven’t been stuck up in my room blaming myself for how things ended. I haven’t carried that shame or guilt on my shoulders because that’s not my cross to bare and I’ll be damned if I carry someone else’s ever again. I know today that I have to be my number 1 and that I cannot let someone dump their trauma on me because it’s painful and it’s not for me to bare. There are things that I wish I could say and I wish that I could get off my chest, but I don’t need the other person to hear me when I say this:

Im truly sorry for all of the trauma and pain you’ve gone through, but how dare you dump that all on me? How dare you minimize my own trauma and feelings. How dare you blame me for someone’s demise, how dare you blame me for someone’s near death experience and how dare you put that all on me? I am not your emotional punching bag and I am not the one that hurt you or caused any of that. I do not need you to reassure me, I do not need you in my life, I do not need you to be by my side, nor do I want you to be. You’re sick and toxic and I know that you’re hurting, but you cannot take that out on me.

I don’t need you to forgive me and I don’t need to forgive you. I don’t want it. I like who I am today and I’ll be damned if I ever question that based on how someone treats me. I hope that continue healing from this and I hope that I never befriend a person like you ever again. That was truly the worst friendship I have ever had in my entire life and one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever felt. And if that’s how I felt, I can’t imagine how you must feel day in and day out. I’m not going to allow you to minimize my feelings or compare your own trauma to me. I don’t care if YoUvE bEeN tHrOuGh WoRsE. That’s not an excuse for you to take it out on me or invalidate my own feelings.

I’m happy today🙂

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khodorkovskaya · 1 year

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12.01.23

sooo a lot of confusing things happened.

i went to see puss in boots yesterday and the hype is so worth it! im obsessed! it was so good!!!

and guess who i invited to the cinema with me...............

yeah, i know, i don't understand either. i texted him when i was on the train from luzern and he said yes. and so we went together.

(i was being weird on the phone with my parents about it so now they think that i have a secret lover lol. like idk i just can't lie to my parents so when they asked me who i went to the cinema with i was like "nobody!!!!" and it sounded very sspicious. so yeah, they believe that im seeing someone new now. but no lol. im just back on my bs.)

after the film we decided to go get a drink (i had green tea) and we had a very strange conversation. i told him about the books ive been reading and how im slowly making my way through kundera's "immortality" but i don't understand any of it. and then we talked about immortality (bc it was also a theme in puss in boots!) in relation to fame and who gets to be famous and who will always be left in the shadows. and then we said something along the lines of "extraordinary people get to be famous and normal people don't". and then i started telling him about how i think that it didn't work out between us bc we're not normal and we need normality to balance things out.

he said that his first relationship was with a normal person and, even though she was amazing, the relationship was boring. and he said that when he realised that i was crazy he found it charming. and it made me blush.

but anyway i started telling him about my zurich friend and my normal boyfriend fantasy and how i just want to fall in love with a normal person and be normal and hold hands. and he said that my zurich friend is very far from normal and how what we had was actually a normal relationship and i was too spoiled to realise it. he predicts that im gonna realise it in the future bc im gonna meet a lot of shitty guys and regret leaving him. but it will be a good learning experience for me.

and yeah he said that im not making sense and im speaking nonsense. and i think he's right bc ever since i isolated myself from society ive just been a bit insane. like im slowly descending into madness which i think is good for me bc i really need to think and analyse things. but at the same time ive become detached from reality. and now i have all these theories about wanting a normal boyfriend and hating the balkans.

then okay girlies bear with me... i missed my last tram and..... slept over at his place... yikes, i know i know.... but he promised we were gonna sleep in different beds (spoiler: we didn't) and we were just gonna drink tea and chat (spoiler: we didn't just drink tea and chat). and uhh im not gonna go into the details but i didn't feel really good. i just felt like... annoyed i guess is the best word to describe it.

i asked him if we could be friends bc i really want to be friends with him. i want to see his future spouse and kids and i want him to see mine. and i want us to be best friends until we die. but he said that if it's definitely over between us as a couple, we're not gonna see each other again. and it made me sad. why so harsh? why can't we just admit that it doesn't work and stay friends? he wouldn't give me an answer.

this morning we talked a bit more about our relationship and normality and stuff. and he said that in order to be a better and more mature person and actually learn from the past, i need to face my fears and confront him. and we can try to be bf/gf again but make an effort this time. and if it doesn't work, at least we would've tried.

so i was thinking about that for the whole day today. weighing the pros and cons and trying to understand what is "délire" and what is actually reasonable. i feel like im missing something in my brain, i swear. why do i never know what's right and wrong? what do i want and what do i not want? i feel like im disabled or something idk.

and then all of a sudden my dad (who i haven't heard from in a while) messages me like "call me now". he's in india now and i thought it was something urgent. so i called him. and the call lasted only 10 minutes (usually he goes on and on about conspiracy theories for like an hour). and this is what he said:

"you need to get back together with B!!! he's a good man. and it's rare in our day and age. there's a slavic genocide going on. and you guys have a problem with homosexuals in europe. and B represents gender values and he's a real man, which is so rare! sure, nobody's perfect i mean look at me. but B has more pros than cons. sure he's lazy, maybe he even goes to see other hoes from time to time. but nobody is perfect and your clock is ticking. you're 23 and healthy, it's the best time to have a child! if you're still unmarried at 30, people are gonna look at you weird. marriage is a status symbol, you know, it doesn't mean anything. you can get divorced. but being divorced at 30 is so much better than never having been married. it shows that you're a serious woman. and you should try to get back with him. organise a theatrical performance or something, i don't know. and tell him that the wedding's in may so he will be keeping busy organising everything. it's better to do things you regret, than regretting not doing things. okay bye!"

what the fuck.

#he's the one who was being racist towards B after we broke up #saying that it didn't work out bc of his ethnicity #and now #???#january

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spikeinthepunch · 11 months

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i have talked about it to some capacity with the post a made a bit ago about branding etc and hpw i feel about it and how i kinda got swayed into playing things safe with presentation bc of how people on the internet/esp professionals, read you.

which was something i got caught up in especially around my internship because even though i wanted to explore mature topics emotionally, i was still going to play it safe. i had that 'i could make a thing thats emotionally strong like steven universe, but nothing more'. the stuff i wanted to make i treated like that. the idea that anything i was going to make that i wanted to put into the industry i wanted to be in had to be safe enough for studio/execs. which is definitely a problem with current animation- everything needs to be in a certain range of safety.

interestingly i felt like i did escape this a few years ago- i was no longer caught up in getting a job in 2020 and all the complicated feelings about "i dont want to cater myself to kids because i dont want to make stuff for kids" hit hard by then after turning 21. i was drawing lots of nsfw (...which you guys here didnt see lol), i was letting myself make stories without any regard to a specific audience esp bc the wcrp i was doing gave me time to think about that in my free time. and the way i presented myself, in terms of my posts, did not hesitate on topics either.

which the recent (1 or 2~ years) change in branding that led up to the mikike 'mascot' i realize now that attaching to a mascot like this kinda entirely redirected my presentation. not exactly in terms of topics on my normal blogging (however i did stop posting a lot in general) but you know. the livestreaming nd video making, and in turn the way i would interact with the places people use for online marketing/audience building. interestingly, before mikike but when i had my website, i started my website with the intent of it being a place outside of social media where i could "do what i wanted without anxiety of whether or not i could post it". and uh, somehow i managed to do the opposite.

because eventually i felt like online presence wise, using mikike as a mascot to front me and my website, would be good! seemed simple enough. but then i ended up feeding into the cutesy design or more, felt like i had to present with this neutral design, one that would appeal to "everyone" which... sent me back to that mindset again. its a horrible conflicting mess when part of me was trying to be like "yes i want to post whatever on my own site!" and then "oh no im becoming a general audience streamer and play minecraft, i dont want people to see that stuff if they go to my website" (with the added, if i start to get involved with other people too, i would be nervous about them being aware of my website and ruining my rep). should be said, its not like i *am* posting anything egregious either- but theres inherent anxiety based off how people respond online in general, like im wanting on ice all the time regardless.

so suddenly i was back where i started. i really really wanted to hang on to this drive to get out there, make the videos i have in mind, etc. but in my head i get very caught up in whether or not my stuff will gain traction and then be criticized for things i cant control (the age of people, or just whether or not someone take some mature content i made as 'problematic'). reality is i need to not care-- but i have said it time and time again. it is SO hard as someone who grew up during 2014-2016 tumblr. because if you were there youd know how hellish this era was with its callout culture. it was insane, truly. and i like many other teens, felt like i needed to be loud and out there to judge problematic behavior in order to not be problematic, and be self aware all the time and to always judge my interests, and in turn be paranoid i may like something bad.

the urge to rebrand is built off of detaching from the image/mascot that is making me "play it safe". part of me is annoyed that i want to drop this overall look- i do like mikike, i do like the colors! theyre nice. buuut i do feel like i want something fresh. i have admittedly change my look quite a few times so, maybe this is just how i am too. idk.

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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years

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SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro.

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry.

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either.

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg spoilers #ai ohto #rika kawai #momoe sawaki #wonder egg priority neiru #i forgot neirus name #anime review #wonder egg ai #lgbtq anime

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years

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Hello it’s me again :,)

First of all I apologize for being a bother, I really appreciate your help!

Soo Basically… I’m lost >:D, what is my type? it really is a mistake to rely on tests ._. They narrowed my choices to infp intp and infj that I couldn’t understand any other type/functions.

The only thing I know about myself is that I’m an introvert, that’s it. Might be a perciever, i procrastinate, i’m messy, but the type of organized mess you know what I mean. As for cognitive functions you mentioned before that when I decide to prioritize a relationship over a logical fact i take a choice based on ethics but I prioritize logical facts, even when it’s my dearest 2 friends i would prioritize a logical fact but i’d seek a way to keep the relationship together as much as possible, they understand me so that wouldn’t be a problem I guess?

Mod: The above example is a prime feeler example. “I take a choice based on ETHICS” followed by an insistence you prioritize facts – but your attention throughout is immediately on your friends, and what they mean to you (they are your ‘dearest’ friends), and on maintaining the relationship. That is a feeler-based response, and shows none of the detachment of a thinking type – who does not put relationship thoughts FIRST. You do, because your mind automatically went to them to use them as an example of your thought process. You want harmony in your relationships, for them to get along – feeler.

My relationship with my friends and my role in that friendship: i feel bothered when they don’t get along and try to play the mediator so is that Fe? I also remain neutral unless one of them was right.

Mod: More referencing of people and relationships and a need for harmony, which is strongly IFP and often indicates a strong presence of Enneagram 9. “I also remain neutral unless one of them was right” – basically, you remain neutral because “this has nothing to do with me UNLESS I decide one of them is IN the right” – a moral judgment derived from your own sense of right/wrong. Fi-dom.

I also prefer getting into debates and discuss ideas with them and exchange information over taking pictures and… enjoying ourselves? I can’t say I’m stubborn, I would stay neutral about something i don’t have information about unless they provided proof.

Mod: Vague neutrality indicates Ne and/or 9.

you mentioned that there’s a possibility my feeling and thinking aren’t polar opposites, which made me think if I was a Te grip… but a grip is when you use your inferior function in moments of stress right? Assuming i was INFP… that’d be wrong because I always resort to thinking whether it was stressful or not, no… when Something stresses me out I just be like “if something bad happened it’s destiny I have nothing to do about it enough, my brain is tired”.

Mod: Again, a strong presence of 9 – your emphasis throughout has been on maintaining peace / inner harmony / inner calm, thus your focus on how stressful situations are in relation to yourself. Apathy and giving up because you can’t do anything about it indicates low Te (it is what it is, there’s no solution) and 9 “giving up.” It’s too stressful to think about it, so I won’t = 9.

I get told that I have pretty good observation skills and see patterns and “link dots” a LOT. (Ironic, because I can’t connect what’s in me with functions and types :,)) as well I can see MANY possible outcomes of a situation and choose which is the most likely to happen, most of the time I turn out right, I also “gamble” in some exam questions I forgot about and I get most of them right, which N is that :,)?

Mod: Ne, yes.

when i’m in front of a work of fiction You’d find me paying extra attention to details metaphors foreshadowings, trying to predict what would happen what a character implies with their words, etc… that’s why I have a lil more preference for mysteries and thrillers. Anither thing is that when my friends aren’t around, i isolate myself from the crowd, and either daydream in the corner (my senses turn off when I dive deep) or watch the crowd of people, observe their body language and reactions I find it really fun and informative I acquired an ability to read people this way, but I still play dumb if for example they were lying to me I wait to see where this is going. Idk if this would be useful but I wanted to do psychology in my studies to know how people’s minds work, but I felt later that i’m not achieving anything with this, it definitely would be fascinating but… no, so i chose engineering, mechanical engineering. I’m huge information/knowledge seeker which makes me think that I’m a type 5, to be precise Im a 5w4.

Mod: INFP 9w1. You’re a gut reactive type (how is this stressing me out?) not a head type (fear-based). Loving information and seeking knowledge isn’t 5. :)

As for how I deal with people I have like a certain way to deal with a sort of groupe of people in order of importance like… I treat my best friends in an equal way, like it’d feel wrong for me to treat one of them different than the other, and for classmates (for example) if I was going to help the person A with their homework, i ask myself “can they do it themselves or they’re just lazing around? But I helped the person B who genuinely had hard time?” If they can do it Themselves I refuse, I think “what if they think I’m a selfish arrogant, that I prefer certain people in my class over others while in reality i have no preference?” But i conclude it all with idc, they wouldn’t shoot me with a gun. I don’t care about people’s words like I don’t get “emotionally hurt”.

Mod: More Fi-based judgments. How am I treating people? (Again, your focus is on relationships, not impersonal data.) Is it right or wrong to treat them not as equals? Ethical low Te judgment – does this person need help or are they a lazy butt? What are they thinking about me? Are they judging me?? Yet, I don’t care. Pure Fi-dom.

#question #enneagram #mbti #infp #submission

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smutty-ki113r · 3 years

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I will definitely share my experience with you if it makes you feel motivated!!!!!

Now, first of all, it took me a WHILE to finally shift. AND LMFAO THE FIRST TIME I SHIFTED I GOT SCARED AND WENT BACK TO MY CR AND I WAS SO PISSED, but like after a couple more tries I finally was able to shift again and omfg it gave me euphoriaaa I almost didn't want to leave but I love my friends and family in my CR too much.

When I went back to my CR though I was EXHAUSTED, so that's why I recommend taking care of your body and nourishing it correctly before you shift because there's a 99% chance that when you wake up your body will feel like crap if you don't.

The process of shifting was so aggravating, everytime I would try shifting my body would give me the signs that it was working and I would get too excited and just jump up only to be disappointed smhsmh.

Also I have this dumb thing where I always feel like there's tiny things crawling all over me and it always fucks with me when I shift. Even when I'm trying to sleep normally it pisses me off because I'm always feeling likes there's ants on me or some shit.

I honestly don't shift very often, only when I really feel like I want to, because it's really mentally exhausting and when I used to do it often I would end up getting realllyyy depressed when I wasn't in my DR and that's dangerous because I don't want to be obsessed with it and end up damaging myself. So if you do end up shifting, don't do it too often.

Anyway, when I first got into shifting and tried it out, these are things I was doing wrong:

- I wasn't taking care of my body

- I was doubting my abilities in shifting

- I wasn't meditating often

- I wasn't listening to subliminals throughout the day

Listening to subliminals often is importantttt, it helps to really engrave the shifting concept into your mind and meditating is extra important because if you want to shift healthily you're going to have to really give yourself that brain power/strength and clear away all the anxiety you have, the more you doubt your ability the shift the more your brain is going to pass on it.

Also I remember a time I was at a fucking sleepover and I decided to attempt to reality shift AND RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO MY FRIEND WOKE UP AND SLAPPED ME BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I DIED I-

It was frustrating.

The process is frustrating, but shifting is possible, and if you really really want to do it then you can. Keep encouraging yourself and keep researching and taking care of your body and your brain will finally get there.

Also, while you're in the process, it's also so important to NOT get distracting while you're shifting or get too excited. It will 100% mess you up. Shifting requires intense concentration and you need your body to be completely relaxed, only think about your DR and ONLY think about what will happen when you get there, will you smell or hear something, or will you open your eyes to something, it all depends on how you script it.

Also do whatever method works for you and try all kinds of methods, me personally I used a combination of the raven method, staircase method, and counting method while using a heartbeat subliminal. It may seem like a lot but it's what worked best for me personally.

Anyways, I hope this helped! ^^

👅

OK I finally have time to respond to this in DETAIL YAY! Btw, thank you so sososoosososs much for taking the time to write this out. Also you don’t have to read any of this, it’s just me talking about it lollll.

First off, UPDATE: bro I wasn’t trying to shift last night and then I was tired (3am) so I tried to sleep but couldnt so I listened to (DO NOT LAUGH ISTG) the song of unhealing cause its calming. And I started hearing this sort of muffled noise, I tried paying attention but couldnt make it out so I think it was voices. And then- holy lord I almost lost- wait no I LOST MY SHIT. I heard knocking, a fucking ACTUAL knock, I fucking. My whole body got so hot and I had to stop cause I was so excited I cried. Then I was exhausted so I went to sleep.

SECONDLY. I’ve never heard of your body being exhausted after so thank you for the tip. I used to be convinced I was there and then I wasn’t. FUCKING ME TOO! I think there’s a fucking dust particle on my arm and then an itch on my neck or something.

I have been scared of that too, because I have had (and I feel horrible saying this but it’s the internet and you dunno who I am) a very rough childhood. Maladaptive daydreaming and just pretending I somewhere else gave me a lot of trauma, especially in really bad situations. I think a huge part of why I haven’t shifted yet is because of the existential crisis I will most definitely have. I already obsess enough over this world, and now I’m trying to go? It’s hard, but I can’t NOT do it. If I stop then I won’t have a goal, and if I’m constantly going for something do I have a purpose? SEE? I can’t help it.

Ok so I’ve been trying for a while too, and I AM COMPLETLY CONFIDENT that I can do it, also that I do meditate every day! Taking care of my body is sort of a lost cause, I refuse to eat fruits and vegetivles (stupid I know) but I used to associate “healthy” foods with my *TW* an*rexia. Now I feed off pasta, also cause it’s cheaper. I sleep at 1 or 2am because why. Because I am 1. Writing and I need to post on schedule 2. Listening to music and imagining that I’m already in my dr. Or doing other unholy things. I can’t stop exercising, so Im constantly tired and heavy, I feel bad if I don’t/ do less. I have tried taking care of myself for years, it’s very, very hard.

You’re so right, I need to get the idea in my head and establish it. HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOURE DOING IT? Do you detach from your body? Or do you melt through your skin?

Hehehe I do tend to get excited, but my good voice tries so hard to hold me down. I have been trying to keep myself concentrated in creative ways, just focusing on the sound of the knocking, or the sound of the fan, or the person I’m trying to get to. The person I will fucking push myself to the edge for because I want him to have someone to love him. I want him to be ok.

I know I can do it, I know it’s possible, I know I will do it. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH <3

#🚹

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nonbaznary · 3 years

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Sword!!! 💙 Fanfic writer 2, 15, 22 please.

Di!! 💛💛 let's see....

💌 asks from this list

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for?

um, Five Nights At Freddy's??? like once, when i was 11 and getting into fanfiction, my friend asked me to write about a pairing (don't recall which) (thank gods i deleted all my old works). never interacted with the fandom because everyone seemed too chaotic, didn't have any real knowledge about the series, and probably never will. ☀️

22. Do you listen to anything while you write?

Yes! most times i can't concentrate or get in the right mood without listening to something, so i have playlists for 1) specific pieces, 2) general concepts, 3) a few moods, 4) a few pairings, and 5) improvising, just going with the flow. that's why many of my drafts are either songfics or have names of songs as their titles! music is totally a part of my creative process, and has always been <3

and.... best for last! under the cut because im too much

2. Why do you write fanfiction?

well... i started writing fanfiction because i knew i wanted to write, but i didn't necessarily want to get into original stuff. it was interesting to see the universes i liked grow inside of me and detach from their original form. it felt important to share my view of the characters, my twists in the story, and the other creative nonsense in my head. i wanted to get tropes, even overused ones, and see how i would explore and execute those. and honestly, i think i started just because i wanted to express myself, in general.

but now i don't write because of that, at least not entirely and not most importantly. i now write because i have barely ever read myself and my queer experiences in a book. while i still want to share my interpretations of the characters and, as i unfortunately tend to get into fandoms with problematic creators, i still want to figure out how their universe would develop in my point of view, not theirs the main thing is: i want more rep out there for people like me, and, selfishly enough, for myself. and i think the best way is to get characters i love (even though i might not love canon, or even them in canon) and immerse them into my reality – which is very much queer. i also write because i need to stop demanding too much from myself – so i get to leave things incomplete, and i get to accept i'm never going to write something absolutely perfect. i write for myself, i get to know myself better writing.

#correio #💌#aspen talks writing #ask meme #fanfiction ask meme #writing asks #Di 💙

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weirdochick56 · 4 years

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Mr. Evans II- Chris Evans AU Chapter Eleven

Teacher!Chris Evans x Student!Reader

Warnings: Explicit language. SMUT. DIRTY DIRTINESS.

Disclaimers: I don’t condone relationships of this kind, this is for entertainment purposes only. Please be gentle on my word-porn.

Word Count: 5, 347 words

A/N: This shit got dirty REAL quick. As I was writing it, I was so fucking confused by what my fingers were typing lmfaoooo. Also this story is nearly coming to an end and IDK what the hell im gonna do after. PLEASE stay safe and healthy y’all!

Read Chapter Ten here!!

***

(gif isn’t mine!)

You take a long gulp of the bottle.

“It’s like I’m stuck, you know?” You say looking off into the water. “Like I don’t know how to exist or move forward or hell, even back.”

Noah, the guy you’d met at the pool, nods in understanding, taking a sip from the bottle. “Yeah. I get that, but your situation is hella complicated. I get why.”

“I guess I just have never felt one hundred percent in it, you know? Like I could never fully let myself be happy because at any moment that shit could burn down. I’ve always felt like someone was out to get us, like all the fucking odds were stacked against us,” you mumble, shivering when a breeze swishes past the dark night.

It’s been a while since you had met Noah and he was a pretty cool dude. You just clicked- it was just like that with some people you know? You just get along from the get-go. You got to talking, slowly downing the bottle in the process of course and the more time ticked by, the more your tongues loosened.

You didn’t like to play into stereotypes or anything, but you were almost entirely sure Noah wasn’t one-hundred percent straight. But maybe that was just you.

You were at a healthy buzz right now but that wasn’t gonna last long at the rate you were chugging from the bottle.

“You wanna be with him?”

You sigh, hating that there wasn’t even a little doubt in your mind or heart at the question. “I do. But I don’t know how to go about it, you know? It’s all just so jumbled for me.”

Noah releases a little sigh, laying down on the cold gravel. “I know right? It’s like you love someone so much but you also know that being with them could be dangerous, no only to you but to the life you’ve built around yourselves individually. So it’s hard between choosing everyone else or your own selfish ass.”

You glance at him, raising your brows. “From personal experience?”

He laughs but it’s a bit strained- dry. “Yeah. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not exactly uh- straight.”

“What?! I had no idea!” You mock gasp.

“Shut up.” He laughs, slapping your arm playfully. “Yeah well, he’s actually the most beautiful human being I’ve ever met. But we’re keeping it on the dL. Neither of our parents is exactly supportive. Mine are still a bit touchy even though they’re starting to tolerate the fact that their son is gay and his- well they have no idea. If they did that situation would go awry real quick.”

You sigh, laying your head drunkenly on his shoulder. “Aw, I’m so sorry Nini.”

He laughs, casually wrapping an arm around you. “Oh? Is that my new nickname?”

You nod. “Yep.”

“You know something, Nini?” You suddenly mumble in a slur.

“What?”

“You’re not selfish for loving him- whoever he is. You’re brave.”

“Yeah? And why do you say that?” He hums.

You take the bottle from his grasp, taking a long drink. When you’re done, you sluggishly wipe your lips.

“Because I’m a fucking coward,” you mumble shakily. “I’m so fucking scared of feeling. I just shut down like a robot,” you confess, quietly chuckling. “I numb myself so that I don’t have to face the reality of it all. You face that shit head-on. You’re staying and fighting for your love. That’s super admirable.”

Noah rubs your arm comfortingly. “Thanks.”

You nod, swishing your feet in the water. “It’s true. I wish I could just be with him.”

“Then be with him,” Noah says, simply.

Just like that. As if it were that straightforward.

“It’s not that easy. There’s so many things to consider.“

“Let me ask you a question,” he quickly quips. “Do you love him? Like really truly love him?”

You swallow harshly, gripping the bottle tightly in your hands. “With every fiber in my body.”

Noah nods firmly. “Then that’s it. And listen, I’m going to be honest because it sounds like everyone in your life has been lying to you and telling you basically all you need is love to make it work. It’s not. Relationships are hard fucking work. Especially if it’s one people will have a variety of feelings on. It takes effort, time, sacrifice and you know where all that comes from?”

“Where?” You pout drunkenly.

“From you. You have to be sure you want it you have to be willing to stay and fight. But you also need love. Without love, there’s nothing. If you’re sure you want to be with him, if you think your love is worth it, then I say go for it. It doesn’t have to be this huge announcement either. It’s your relationship- it’s there for no one else but you two. If you feel comfortable later on, then do sure you can tell people.”

You ponder on his words drinking more tequila, before finally speaking in a defeated tone. “I’m scared.”

He shrugs. “Life is really just one big risk you either choose to take or not. Plus, it’s like I told you; relationships are hard work. You have to keep working at it. Even when it gets hard.” He licks his lips. “He gave an ultimatum and from what you told me, you’re not going to be here for much longer. So not to pressure you or anything, but if there was ever a time to act this feels like it’s it.”

Maybe he’s right.

Needless to say, by the time Noah walks you home, you’re both absolutely hammered. You make sure to call him a taxi because it was late at night and you also make him promise to text you once he got there.

After he’s gone words keep ringing around in your head over and over and over again. And so do Margo’s. In fact, you felt like you were flying on a cloud of thoughts all whirling and detaching and stringing together back again.

You start replaying everything in your head- your whole relationship. From the start to now. Like a movie.

And your heart breaks even more because you realize right there and then that at some point, the movie suddenly stops.

The movie stops.

It hits you that you’ll have no idea how it ends. What’ll happen with you two. Where you’ll end up.

For some odd fucking reason, it makes you feel sick to your stomach to think about it that way, and your skin crawls. If you let him go, you’ll never him know how the movie ends... the thought tortures you slowly to sleep as it goes round and round in your noggin, pounding you with unbearable guilt and anxious thoughts.

When you do fall asleep, though, you have a strange dream that night. Or more like you have a nightmare.

You’re standing in your room and it’s just like it was when you went to sleep that night, except that on the other side, the usual long hallway isn’t there anymore. There’s only darkness.

Your anxiety kicks up because you know what the darkness is without even touching it.

It’s the not-knowing. The pitch-black emptiness which you’re expected to walk into blind. Fucking alone.

You start hyperventilating when the pressure to walk into it becomes too much, thrashing harshly against the invisible force pushing you into it. Screaming, salty tears, kicking...

It’s all too much. Your breathing is labored and your skin burns with hot tears.

And then suddenly and like a warm blanket- two muscular arms wrap around you from behind, tugging you into a hard chest.

Chris, your mind instantly whispers.

He easily tugs you back towards the room, hugging you to his front tightly.

“I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

And in that moment of terror, with his familiar scent and soothing voice and tight embrace, he’s safety. He’s warmth and familiarity.

...he’s home. Your home.

You just lay there with him, holding each other.

The next image flashes by instantly and suddenly the darkness is back. But this time you don’t panic...because Chris is right there with you, holding your hand. And for some reason, you know -you’re one-thousand present sure- he won’t let go.

He rubs his thumb softly over your thumb, looking at you with those alluring blue eyes of his, that soft yet capturing gaze that made you feel all fuzzy.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ve got you. I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He repeats his earlier sentence.

You wipe happy tears. “I’ve got you too.”

He smiles adoringly down at you, smile lines crinkling endearingly at the corners. “I know.”

And without a second’s thought you plunge straight into the darkness.

You gasp loudly, sitting straight up in bed. Your heart races, thumping harshly against your rib cage as beads of sweat trod carefully down your temple and side of your face.

Click.

Something in you suddenly clicks and it all becomes clear.

Was that all that was needed for realization to hit you? A single moment? A single split second in which the fog clears? A split-second where your vision suddenly elevates and the whole landscape is all there? The whole picture is laid out before you?

It’s early in the morning and you wince when the bright light of an early day hits you in the face, flopping over in bed.

You reach for your phone on the nightstand, quickly unlocking it before checking your contacts. You have a new text message. You click on it.

Hey, Hermosa. I got home okay. Thanks for the taxi, lol.

You smile gently, typing back.

Yeah np, Nini. Thanks for the advice. Needed it.

Your phone buzzes.

Ngl, kinda shocked we still remember that. Lmfao. Ur welcome tho.

You groan softly into your pillow when your head starts aggressively throbbing.

Sobriety sucks butt.

“Honey, are you okay?”

Your dad and Kennedy watch you as you haphazardly stuff your face with bacon and eggs then gulf it all down like a dog- brows raised and jaws slack.

Downing your warm coffee in one go, you get up, pushing the chair back with a loud screech and almost trip running over to the sink to put your dishes inside.

“Yes. I’m good. There’s just something urgent I have to go take care of,” you rush out, leaning down over them and giving each a chaste kiss on the cheek.

“I love you guys!” You yell, already half outside and still pulling on one of your sneakers as you clumsily hopped around.

You slam the door shut, running off as soon as you finish putting on the shoe.

Your head pounds inside your skull even having downed three aspirins and having a warm shower and your breakfast swishes inside your stomach with your harsh sprinting but you don’t stop.

Not until you reach his house.

You don’t think. Just feel. Feel how right this was. You’re done being scared of loving who you love. You had what you had and it was what it was, but what you had was him.

Chris.

All this time, he said you were his light. You were his angel.

But really he was your light. He was your angel.

You needed him just as much as he needed you- if not more.

Fuck everyone else.

This was yours. He was yours and you were his and you were done fighting it. Officially.

You had the realization that before, you’d always been just the tiniest bit reluctant. You subconscious put up your own walls to protect your heart, never fully allowing yourself to work on your relationship, never fully giving your energy to it.

But not anymore. No more walls. Just you. Just you, your love and a foundation for a fresh start.

You were exhausted- not of life or him or of the curveballs it keeps throwing your way. You’re tired of fighting yourself.

That’s the real fight you’ve been having this whole time. With yourself. You’re your own damn enemy. And isn’t that fucking tiring?

But you’re done.

Knocking loudly on the door, your chest inflated with so many emotions and with adrenaline pumping through your veins, you tug at your short shorts, hating that this was the first thing you saw and threw on.

Unfortunately, the next thing you saw was a short ass crop top so you were basically running around in your underwear.

You freeze out the nerves as soon as they start to set in when footsteps pad your way. None of that.

When Chris opens the door, you nearly fall over.

He gives you a once-over, his hair messy, and dark bags under his eyes. “Sweetheart what-“

You stare at him for a few seconds as does he, eyes wide and lips parted.

“Chris,” you breathe.

But you catch yourself and before you know it, you’re spilling all your damn beans right on his front porch.

You needed to. You had to get this off your chest or you would go absolutely insane.

“Chris before you say anything, I just want to apologize. I’ve been a huge fucking hypocrite. But I realize my mistakes and I-“ you laugh incredulously, looking at him. “I just want to be with you,” you mumble meekly, your voice low.

Not because you didn’t mean it, but because you were terrified of his reaction.

His eyes soften and he opens his mouth to speak, but you cut him off.

“No, stop. I just need to finish what I have to say, okay? You were right. You scare me. What we have scares me. But I’m not willing to let you go just because I’m scared. I-” you swallow tears back down. “Being scared isn’t an excuse to let you go. God, I’ve never felt emptier in my life than these past few weeks. Not even when I was gone for two years. At least then I knew I was faraway from you. That I was somewhat safe from all these...feelings.” You gulp. “But being here-“ you shake your head. “Knowing that you’re just a few blocks away- I just want you to hold me, to make love to me, to love me in the way only you know how to.” You chuckle breathlessly. “God, I am so in love with you. Y-you complete me. You make me better- you’re the best fucking person I know. And I know I’ve been an asshole to you, or well let’s be honest we both have, but I guess mostly me- um anyway. I just- I’m here to stay.” You sigh softly, letting the words roll of your tongue like a vow.

“I’m here to stay,” you repeat softly but firmer this time, swallowing thickly at the sweet after taste.

You’re panting by the time you’re done, both thanks to the running and the little speech you just gave, but your gaze never leaves his. Not for the whole five minutes, he just stands there, looking at you with glimmering eyes.

“Chris?” You whisper.

“Say that again,” he breathes.

“Say what?” You frown.

“Tell me you love me again,” he mumbles, a single tear sliding down his cheek.

You smile a little, looking him in the eye. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” you repeat breathlessly. “I’m here to stay- if you’ll let me that is,” you add on in a clumsy, sheepish way.

He smirks, instantly yanking you into a hug. His arm wraps around your waist and head and your arms slither their way around his broad back. You melt into him, half with delight and half with relief.

The embrace says all the things you weren’t strong enough to say, it was passionate, warm, loving, fierce. You slid into eachother like to puzzle pieces. Like you were meant to be there- in eachother’s arms.

Chris holds you tighter to him, using your trembling body, which you hadn’t even noticed was shaking, as an excuse you stuff his nose into your hair and press your chest to his.

“I missed you,” he breathed into you- easy as air. A breath he’d been holding for far too long and needed to release.

A breath that, once uttered, made you instantly freeze.

You slowly parted away from him so you could properly peer into his eyes and because you have no idea how much being back with him was going to be for you emotionally.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble, tears sprouting from your eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just scared. I’m always scared.”

He shakes his head at you, pressing a light kiss to your forehead. “I get it, sweetheart. I was scared too. But we’re here now, that’s all that matters.”

He holds his arms out again, but catches himself before wrapping them around you and pulling you to him entirely, the question clear in his eyes; was this okay?

This embrace wasn’t like the one a few moments ago, this one was cautious because you were walking new ground. A ground that was undiscovered but all the same exciting.

A ground that was the foundation for a new path to happiness. A new beginning.

You simply nod in response, too tired to try to fight your need for his warmth off.

He wastes no time pulling you to his chest- nice and tight and you instantly hug him back, loving the feeling of safety and warmth you felt there.

You realize that no matter where you go or who you’re with, nothing will ever feel like being in his arms. Nothing will ever feel like home. Not like him.

His hold tightens on you- like he’s afraid of letting you go and you tighten your own hold to signify your own heightened emotions.

The buzzing in your skin, the racing of your heart, the flush of your face, the fluttering of your tummy- all the emotions that made you feel like there was endless hope and warmth and good in the world- you missed it all.

You listen to his slightly accelerated heartbeat and nestle your head against his chest. “So we fight?”

He heaves a heavy exhale. “We fight.”

You lick your dry lips, taking a deep breath. “Okay.”

He pushes you back slightly, brows raised. “Really?”

You can’t help but smirk a little bit. “I think I still have a little bit more fight left in me.”

You shift in his arms, resting your head on his chest an adjusting the leg you’d hastily thrown over his waist.

After your talk, you’d agreed that a little alone time was in order. So you threw yourselves onto his bed and did what anyone in your position -with unspent sexual frustration and endless simmering desire between your souls- would do and cuddled.

“Sweetheart,” he begins, twirling another strand of your hair in between his fingers.

“Hmm?” you mumble drowsily, drawing a new pattern on his chest with your fingertips.

“Do you love me?”

You pause, brows furrowing. Leaning up on your elbow, you peer down at him. “What?”

He smiles a little. “You heard me.”

“Why do you ask?” You blush bright red.

He chuckles, brushing a hand against your cheek. “Well, I’m not like you, angel. I actually need to hear the words. Again,” he adds cheekily.

You stare at him blankly for a few seconds, contemplating his face. He was perfect. Even the small dips or indents on his skin. Every sharp and soft line, every curve and dip and area of soft flesh.

Beneath you, his muscles strained against his soft pajamas and his warmth surpassed layers of skin and clothing in order to deep into your bones, warming you entirely.

But that wasn’t what made him beautiful. No.

It was the fact that he was such a dork when it came to Charlotte Brontë and Bram Stroker even when he tried to hide it. It was the fact that for years he put aside his own pain to focus on the futures of his students. The pain of losing his wife.

It was that he looked at you like you were his beginning and his end and everything in between. It was the fact that he was unwilling to relent to everyone and everything telling him he couldn’t have you and that he was willing to forgive you.

It was that he was still here. Still fighting even when everything could be lost.

He wasn’t just perfect. He was authentic. And he was beautiful just the way he was.

You finally nod, whispering lightly. “I do. I love you more than anything in the world.”

You’ve never meant anything more in your life. And it didn’t matter what would happen next because you’d be together when it happen and you’d take it on together. You’d always have eachother.

He beams adoringly, running his hands through his hair.

You instantly raise a brow. “What?”

He frowns at you. “What?”

You chuckle, a tiny smirk tugging at your lips. “Something’s wrong. What is it?”

“Wrong? Nothing is wrong. Why does something have to be wrong?”

You instantly smile, patting his cheek as you hook your leg over him tighter in order to get more comfortable. “You just ran a hand through your hair; something’s definitely wrong,” you say as if it’s obvious before softening. “C’mon talk to me.”

He looks into your questioning eyes for exactly three seconds before breaking. “Dammit, why do your eyes have to be so big and…shiny? I can never lie to them,” he mumbles under his breath.

You laugh pressing a little kiss to his stubbled cheek. “It’s my secret superpower. Now; spill.”

He sighs, looking down at his hands. “Nothing I guess I’m kind of second-guessing now. N-not of us o-or anything!” He rushes to explain immediately after. “Just-” he sighs again, looking back down. “I dunno. I feel like I’ve been pressuring you. What if this isn’t what you really want?” He gazes into your eyes, concern swimming in his deep pools. “Is it?”

Unable to hold back a snicker you grin lightly at him. “I just gave you an entire speech about how much I want to be with you and you’re questioning it? Bit late, don’t you think?” You joke lightly.

He deadpans. “Y/n.”

You sigh. “Yes, it is what I want. No backing out this time.” You hold out your pinky with a tiny giggle. “Pinky promise?”

He raises a brow at the small finger, scoffing at the notion. “Angel, I’m a masculine manly-man do you really think that I’m gonna pinky promise you? No.”

You wiggle your pinky with a tiny pout. “C’mon!”

He sternly peers down at you (again for exactly three seconds) before breaking down once more, half-heartedly linking your pinky with his and grumbling for a second time about how your eyes were “unfairly adorable”.

You laugh tightening your finger on his, as you gaze into each other’s eyes tenderly. “I pinky promise to always be with you. No matter what.”

He smiles softly, repeating your words back to you with the tenderest look in his eye. “I pinky promise to always be with you. No matter what.”

When you take your pinkie back, he rolls his eyes, chuckling. “I can’t believe you made me do that. I hate you.”

Lightly shoving his shoulder, you place a soft peck on his cheek. “You know you love me. Plus, c’mon, I came looking for you here, I can’t leave without at least a pinky promise.”

He smirks, wiggling his brows suggestively. “You do realize this means I won, right?”

“Won?”

He nods enthusiastically. “Yeah. This time, you came for me. So I won.”

You snort. “Asshole.”

He chuckles as you suddenly grow serious.

“You know, I hate that you know me better than I know myself. I can never hide from you,” you whisper as he grips your face with his hand.

“You don’t have to,” he says sincerely, looking directly at you. His dark gaze pierced your soul and your breath hitches, forming a huge lump on your throat. “Not from me. Not ever.”

You shiver under his touch, leaning into him. You bite your lip as you gaze at him from under your lashes. “What if what I’m trying to hide is ugly?” You husk.

He simply smiles, like what you’re saying is utterly impossible. “Then you don’t try to hide it. I want to see it all. Because you know what? In the end, I know it’s all going to be beautiful.”

You can’t keep the damn goofy smile from tugging at your lips as you softly kiss his nose. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” you breathe. “I love you so fucking much.”

He pecks your cheek lightly in response, resting his forehead on yours.

“Who are we without scars, without stories to tell? Your flaws make you who you are, angel. And I’ve fallen in love with you. All of you.”

You smile softly at him, your heart thumping loudly inside your chest. “You make me all crazy, you know that?” you mumble.

He laughs, closing the distance between you two and brushing his lashes against yours. “I’m sorry.”

You giggle against his lips, softly moving yours against them as you peer into his darkened eyes and wide blown pupils. “No, you’re not.”

He rubs his thumb across your cheekbone tenderly, tracing your skin like he was afraid you’d break if he pressed too hard or rubbed too much.

“You’re right- I’m not,” he breathes hotly against your skin, playing with your lower lip.

You press your nose to his, pressure building in your chest as you slowly begin straddling him. “Do you want me?”

His other hands grips your other cheek, gaze pinning yours down with ease. “All the damn time,” he responds without hesitation, voice growing deeper and more primitive.

You smirk down at him, forgetting entirely about everything and everyone else.

“Really?”

He looks at you incredulously. “Are you serious? How do you not know what you do to me, sweetheart?”

“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t. What do I do to you, Chris?”

Your pussy begins pulsating rhythmically, panties damp at the implication.

He inhales sharply, clamping down on that plump lip. “Shit sweetheart. You want details?”

He seemed startled but turned on all the same.

You bite your lip, feeling your nipples harden under the soft fabric of the shirt and nearly let a moan slip when it rubs against the sensitive nubs as you move.

“Yes. I want you to tell me exactly how much you want me. I want you to tell me how you’ve imagined me before. What you’d do to me if you’re given the chance,” you rasp all in one breath.

As you speak, you grind your down hips on his, enjoying the much-needed friction it created in your sensitive spot.

He clenches his jaw, eyes ablaze with that fire you missed so much.

“Careful sweetheart,” he grits out through clenched teeth, hands dropping to your ass and hips. “If you get too close I might burn you.”

You look him in the eye, knowing damn well your own unquenchable fire was swaying sensually back and forth in your eyes. You wanted him—bad. In fact, you fucking needed him. You needed him like you needed air to breathe. Fuck, you ached for the feeling of his cock inside you, claiming you as his. Because damn you were his.

“Then burn me,” you say with full intent.

His eyes snap shut, fingers digging into your flesh.

“Jesus Christ, Y/n. If we don’t stop right now I can’t promise I won’t fuck you ‘til you��re screaming.”

Your pussy instantly grows wet at his words, pulsating far more aggressively than before as you move your hips faster.

“Fuck Chris. Have you dreamed about me?” You pant.

He looks up at you through heavy-lidded eyes, dick stirring in his pants. “Almost every night,” he admits without shame or hell- even embarrassment.

Than only makes you more flushed.

You lick your dry lips, his eyes following the movement. “Yeah? And what am I wearing?”

He closes his eyes, hands traveling down to your thighs before rising gradually up to your waist, pushing fabric out of the way. You tremble beneath his fingertips and he uses the chance to guide your movements against him, his long fingers setting a rhythm for you to move to.

He hisses with pleasure. “Y-you’re wearing my t-shirt. Only with panties underneath.”

You inhale deeply, chest rising but not falling just yet at the vivid image. “Mhm,” you hum softly. “And where are we?”

“My bedroom. You’re sprawled out on my bed, sleeping.”

You bite your lip. “Are you hard yet?”

“Hell yes,” he breathes, digging his nails into your ass. “I can see your ass from here. All of that for me,” he moans softly against your chest as he adjusts you and his grip on you so your tits are closer to his face.

You arch back at the sensation of having his hard cock rubbing against you from beneath his pants.

“You’re moving around in your sleep and I’m getting harder because you look so damn innocent but sexy all at once. Like you’re just asking me to ruin you.”

You moan against him, accidentally brushing your nipple against his lips in the frenzy of your dry humping.

You freeze for a second, letting the sensation sink into your cells, warming them with electrifying bliss before moaning louder when Chris lightly opens his mouth to take one of them in over the thin material of the shirt.

Your mouth falls open at the sensation and your finger rake through his hair, tugging on the strands harshly as he gently suckles on the sensitive bud, rolling his tongue around it with expert sensuality.

His eyes meet yours as he does this and neither of your looks away as he flicks his tongue back and forth, causing your whole body to nearly overload with bliss.

“Fuck Chris,” you mewl, digging out nails into his scalp.

He stops sucking, using his finger to play with them instead. Your mouth falls open in a choked-up scream as he continues narrating his dirty dream for you.

“Even from there I can see how soft your skin is. How perfect your tits are and how good they’d fit in my hands. It’s torture until I walk over to you and grab one of your ankles gently in my hands…”

“Yes?” Your breath hitches as he hits a sensitive spot.

“And the other one too. Then I slowly part them. I don’t want to wake you yet. Not like that.”

You bite your lip, holding back a moan.

“When I’ve completely opened your legs, I slowly crawl up your body, kissing your legs as I go. When I reach your inner thighs, I slowly lift my shirt up….” he trails off, his thumb softly grazing your sensitive nub.

Your head flies back at the sudden jolt of pleasure it sends up your spine. “Shit Chris,” you groan.

“I start leaving open-mouthed kisses all over your soft skin. You’re shifting in your sleep, growing wetter, but you still haven’t woken up. Finally, I kiss your pussy.”

At the words coming out of his sinfully soft mouth, you feel your stomach clench, mouth capturing a silent scream and swallowing it back down.

He keeps you moving against him, his fingers gripping your thigh and his thumb working soft circles into your now soaked panties.

You gyrate into his hand rhythmically, fully concentrated in how good he felt.

“Uh-huh,” you finally grit out.

He continues speaking, voice strained and tone nearly drowned out entirely by animalistic frenzy. “You slowly peel your eyes open as I’ve begun flicking my tongue over your clit back and forth.” He copies the motion he describes with his thumb, smirking viciously when you nearly fall over him.

“I’ve been doing it over your sheer lace underwear this whole time, but when you are finally awake, your smell and your taste become too much for me to handle. You intoxicate all my senses sweetheart. I just want you on my tongue. I want you to ride my face until you cum in my mouth.”

And that’s all he needs to add to his jerky thumb movements for you to cum. Hard.

As if he can sense that you’ve reached a climax, he watches you with hunger, drinking in the sight of you coming all for him. “That’s right, sweetheart. Cum for me. All for me. Fuck, Y/n.”

You convulse, cursing like a damn sailor into his mouth. “Fuuuuck Chris!”

When you’re done, you slouch against him.

He hugs you to him and the rumble of his laughter travels through you, causing your sensitive insides to tremble. “You okay, sweetheart?”

You lift your head carefully. “Yes.”

He smiles. “Good. Y/n?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to make love to you.”

“Oh.”

Read Chapter Twelve here!!

***

The flashbacks to Mr. Evans I are real. Omfg.

I’m literally in love with him.

A special thanks to:

@star-spangled-steve

@tomoyaevaans

@pepsicola-is-my-brand-man

@whereeverythingisbetter

@fallenoutofrose

@plutonium-m

@beepbeepromanoff

@faithmichaluk

@sincerelytlh

@tomshelbystits

@kind-sober-fullydressed

@emmarogers222

@sashimi-cat

@zofty15

@gemgemswift

@fafulous

@chljmntgy

@thatssograce

@leclerc-stan

@colddsalsa

@evansislife

@chris-butt

@captainchrisstan

@marvels-gurl

@davestridersrightnipple

@agirlcanstilldream

@notbexmader

@ib-ebe

@byrogers

@theangrylizard

@oh-hey-janina

@mannatgalhotra

And My forevers!

@jessikared97

@ladyofletters67

@lilypalmer1987

@sammykb1994

@tomshelbystits

#Chris Evans #chris evans au #teacher au #teacher!chris evans x student!reader

170 notes · View notes

gayspock · 3 years

Text

dont rb its simply little emo moments for yourself truly

mm. thought of eating makes me feel ill. cant take my meds on an empty stomach or i get faint&dizzy. shouldn’t keep screwing with meds like this & unsure of wht brought it all on. bc nothins happened. and i wasnt doin so badly - at least, with regards to that - for the past while, but gggod... rn i feel like cryin , dont wnt to stomach anythin. the idea of puttin anythin in my mouth makes me wanna gag or sob. and im bein irrational, ik i am. mmhm. but also idk.

also just feelin v passively sad and deeply lonely. nothin new but idk. hum hum. u kno how u phase in and out... different manners of being miserable. sometimes its all meltdowns and whatnot AND sometimes its all spacey. idk ive been something approximating the latter for the past while but also, notably lucid the past few hours. like it’s all unreal and yet there’s those moments of like... immense awareness, but like it’s from a different perspective kinda vibe u kno? man, u kno the vibe. like tht vibe. and idk the vibe of tht is: not meltin down in a big bold and sexy way but fuckn god. sombre reflection or whotever... metaphorically taking yourself between your fingers with a loupe- the inspection, and passin judgement. letting yourself FEEL that self-hatred, in the detached manner. you know wht i mean. THAT kinda night, girlies. like oh i hate myself. class act. i hate myself well. and truly i do and i sincerely do wish i was not alive- kinda feeling... and the sentiment is devoid of emotion: instead its all rationale and realities that you thumb through that are objectionable. clinical assessment of youre a fucking failure and how little you can do . hopelessness but no need to wallow in hopelessness because it’s self-perpetuating and its time to just sit with it all and just kinda loathe your own existence ... puarely because there’s nowt to be done , my girls. nowt at all but the You Know What. contemplating. its so senseless to keep going . you know how it is. in objective terms .

dont know. hate myself. fuckn wish i was dead innit. wish there were succinct ways of sayin it. unsure of whether it actually matters if there are, but sometimes just doesnt feel like sayin hate myself is enough. sometimes want words of brevity that still resound with... the depth of that. you know what i mean. im not good at shite like that, but im not good at any shite. feel hopeless feel empty feel so blank and like empty space- not even in an absence sense, but in an nonexisting sense- and what little substance there is is what... existing in farfetched realities , weird-ass fuckin fantasy and even in that im still a void but there’s some colour you know wht i mean. maybe context. or maybe i AM an empty space, an absence, as opposed to just nothing. like, i dont think i can indulge in idea where someone would love me or where i was good at something or there was fulfilment but there are just ... thoughts sometimes and dreams where its like: im as miserable and as stupid and as useless as i am but im not always confined to blank walls and silence as i have been for too long but there’s situation around me and i hate it still- god i hate it still - and its empty still and its meaningless.

and i dont know. people who are sad - other people who are sad - always seem to have this yearning or longing in A sense do you know what i mean and i know its skewed i recognise its inherently a biased perspective . that only the people who are sad, and who Want, will talk about wanting because otherwise there would be nothing to say and so those to the contrary are naturally silent but also. do you know wht i mean .. i wish i was Sad in a way that was tragic and felt like a demand of something , that i was sad in a way that made me Sad for the fact i was lonely or sad that i was inadequate and i wish that sadness could manifest into something, like the idea of poetry and writing and a sadness with not a purpose but with a personality but i dont know with the years that go by. void and whatnot. i dont know what i want and i keep approaching things, thinking maybe this is it, but then i think its just the idea of it that traps me. the idea of maybe wanting something until that breaks down and i realise i dont want it at all. does it make sense. mourn the loss of not achieving only to realise i dont know if i even wanted to. i dont want any of it. i cant talk to anyone any more and sometimes i think to myself “god i had such a big personality- not even when i was younger, but maybe even 4 years ago” and i dont know if i ever did i still cant tell how much is me just spinning wheels out of necessity . i know i overcompensate way too much sometimes when im a little freaked out as to how to act but even that isnt so much POSSIBLE these days but sometimes it is but then that makes the starkness of it all so much more... stark when u go from dead silence, incapble of even pretending to want to talk to want to Exist, to the fuckn ceaseless empty word vomit . spinning wheels. spinning plates? idk. idk how to talk to someone normally and im 21 in a week , and i dont mean in terms of anxiety, i simply just cant find anything within myself of substance and i truly am too too tired to keep at it, to keep it going, to keep overcompensating and forcing a presence . its exhausting it isnt sustainable and its why i cant even do it any more i think . i dont kno wht i am and whatnot u know wht i mean. i cant keep goin like this is all i know. i dont want anything. and its sincerely not worth it to keep living for nothing. it just isnt. im sick of my existence. exhausted with the hopelessness. hmm. im rambling and going everywhere all at once i believe.

#egg.txt #suicide mentions #eating disorder mention #LONG whinge but we're done girlies its 10am i need to sleep or eat

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alienoriana · 4 years

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Why Lonely Road is about John

1st Disclaimer: Approaching a Paul song is trickier than a John song IMO. Mainly because Paul seems to enjoy and embrace more the weirdness, the serendipity, the subconscious that can break in and subvert the creative process. John himself described Paul’s lyrics as surreal (maybe in oposition to his own lyrics, which are “real” real. For more insights about it, read this great post from @thecoleopterawithana). This is important because Paul usually prefer to highlight that aspect when he’s talking about one of his songs. That tendency may create the impression that he is more detached from his lyrics, when in fact he is trying to focus on that dimension that he considers to be an indispensable part of his identity as a songwriter. Sometimes its a dream, sometimes its a catchy line, sometimes its a mistake that works, sometimes its a minor event or a random person (or animal), or all these elements together. And thats what Paul will tell us later when ask about the song: that little thing that made the tune go and grow.

But when one tries to understand a song (emotional) motives, this tendency gets in the way -and probably that’s how Paul prefers it: just keep guessing, and more importantly, keep listening to the songs-.

2nd Disclaimer: As much as I believe that John and Paul were (are) soulmates, Im aware of the equal (and different) intensity of the bond they had with their spouses. The fact that I focus on J/P relationship, doesn't mean that I like to place their relationship over the others, as more important than the others. In this case (this song) in particular, I say this in relation to Paul and Linda's relationship. Even if I try to show why I think John's presence is strong in a song, it does not mean that I deny the possibility that Paul actually is alluding to Linda, or even both, sequentially or at the same time. Because the heart is that messy and complex, and big.

I feel that I tried to cover myself too much before I even started, but both issues are usually present almost always in my reflections about his (their) songs (my favorite McLennon topic), and I think this post is a good opportunity to express it.

And now, to the song... [finally, right?]

Lonely Road was included as opening track in the album “Driving Rain”, published in november 2001. The main themes of the album are influenced by the mixed feelings of grief over the recent death of his longtime partner, and of excitement over a new relationship. There’s longing and thankfulness, but also the wish to let go to be able to go on.

Some of the songs were written during a holiday in India, in early 2001, where Paul had not returned since the events of 1968 (!). I think this little fact is esential to read this song. We can ask ourselves: Could Paul have remained indifferent to that place so associated with John and The Beatles, and to the memories it could have awakened?

The lyrics...

I tried to get over you I tried to find something new But all I could ever do Was fill, my time With thoughts, of you

I tried to go somewhere old To search for my pot of gold But all I could ever hold Inside, my mind Were thoughts, of you

I hear your music And it's driving me wild Familiar rhythms In a different style I hear your music And it's driving me wild again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

I hear your music And it's driving me wild Familiar rhythms In a different style I hear your music And it's driving me wild again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

The analysis of the one who does not want to be analyzed...

When asked about this particular song, Paul was as usual nonchalant about its meaning.

In 2001, he was saying this:

‘Lonely Road’ was also written in Goa, where I was enjoying the beach and the sea and generally chilling out in the new century. Again, I had a few moments in the afternoon, which is always a good time for me, a quiet spell when it’s always cool for me to go off and fondle my guitar. The songs basically wrote itself in about an hour. It is what it is, this song, you can make of it what you want to make of it. To me it’s not particularly about anything other than not wanting to be brought down. It’s a sort of anti-being brought down song, which is for anyone and everyone. It’s ‘don’t want to get brought down again, don’t want to walk that lonely road’, it’s symbolic for anyone who’s been through any sort of problems. It’s a defiant song against loneliness, written in a hotel room in Goa. - Driving Rain Interview, 2001.

“It’s a defiant song against loneliness”, thats a fantastic little definition, which goes well with not only this song but many of Paul’s tunes.

In another quote, published much later, Paul speaks a little about the simple motivation for a certain rhyme:

‘Lonely Road’ was written in India, and that’s a bit… I don’t really know what I’m doing, just blues longing. I say I tried to go somewhere ‘old’, that’s India. ‘To search for my pot of gold’, well I wasn’t, I was on holiday. So it’s half imagination, half reality. If I’m looking for a rhyme for old, and pot of gold comes into my mind, then I don’t resist. ‘I try to go somewhere old cos I no longer need a pot of gold?’ Fuck that. Let’s go somewhere old to search for a pot of gold seems more like a song. - "Conversations With McCartney", by Paul Du Noyer, 2015.

In both quotes, its like he’s saying: “It’s nothing, it’s just this song I made up on a holiday, I didnt want to get brought down, ‘old’ just goes well with ‘gold’, the usual things in a songwriter life. Don’t pay that much attention to it, don’t think too much about it, I certainly didn’t”.

Interestingly, he makes reference in the 2001 interview to another song of the same album, and he once again tries to make it clear that the sources of inspiration were deeply rooted in free asociation.

‘About You’ was written in India, in Goa. We had such a relaxing start to an Indian holiday which was at the beginning of 2001. It was exciting, I hadn’t been back to India since the Mararishi days, which was 25 years or so ago. It was great to look around a bit more; I’d only seen Rishikesh, north of Delhi, before. We started off in Goa, relaxed beach time, and one afternoon I wrote ‘About You’ on a little travel guitar I’ve got which has it’s own amp in it. I picked some words out for the song after seeing a copy of The India Times which was lying around. - Driving Rain Interview, 2001.

“I read the news today, oh boy" kind of feeling... Hmmm... (I wonder what that newspaper was about)

IMO, every time Paul strives to asociate a certain song to something inexplicable, casual and without intermediation, he actually suggests that the motivation is very intimate and subconscious. At the same time, he refuses to analyse it. He wont talk about it, because he cant answer for himself at that moment, that place and time. And he probably believes that if he tries to grasp its meaning and set it in stone, sort to speak, he would kill the song. In this case, I think he tries to say there is no clear intention, but its also a strong feeling he can’t help to express.

And when he alludes to the specific lyrics, he carefully avoids the “middle eight” of the song: “I hear your music and it's driving me wild / Familiar rhythms in a different style / I hear your music and it's driving me wild again”.

“I hear your music"... Whose music?

Ok, Paul, you chose “gold” to rhyme with “old” (and I will not try to relate the “pot of gold” line with the famous twin dreams that John and Paul had after meeting for the first time). Fine.

But who is the person he is talking to throughout the song? Whose memory is the one “taking him down” there in India, in a supposedly happy holiday?

Yes, it can be Linda, but if so, wouldn't Paul say "our music"?. Im inclined to believe that this music he’s hearing (and its driving him “wild”... wild as “young and rebellious”? wild as “angry and mad”?) belongs or relates to someone different.

He sings: “Don't want to let you take me down / Don't want to get hurt second time around / Don't want to walk that lonely road again”.

Oh, this part I love. The reference to “second time” and “again” speak of a first time he was brought down and hurt, of a first time he walked “that lonely road”. Can this have to do only with his recent mourning, to which he’s saying in a way he’s done suffering? Or has to do with another, more distant, first departure, first great hurt? And even more, does this “first time” have something to do with India? (I remember now that Paul has another beautiful song that belongs to this period, maybe a little later, thats simply called “India”).

Why John, then?

The song transpires clearly a youthful rebellious spirit (”Fuck that”), expressing the need to shake off melancholy and nostalgia. And I think that in this way he suggests that he is more guarded in front of a process he already is familiar with. HE’S BEEN THERE. Because he has already gone through that lonely road, and it took him a long time to recover. This time, he feels the urge to recover faster (we'll know later that maybe it was too fast).

I dont know if the first mourning refers to his break-up with John or to John’s passing. Perhaps the proximity to India reinforces the first possibility.

Another thing to take into account is the fact that in the album Paul includes a song directly and explicitly related to Linda, Magic. On the contrary, in the case of Lonely Road, Paul decides to leave it orphan: it´s about noone, and nothing.

Lonely Road comes straight from the subconscious. It has a close, immediate trigger: probably another song that he hears and it makes him wild, and it brings him down, and it reminds him of another time when he was left alone.

And I think that song is a John’s song.

P.S.: Oh, not really related, but you definitely should watch the Lonely Road video.

#i formally submit this to the mclennon symposium #lonely road #i wanted to write about this song for a long time #paul mccartney #mclennon #john lennon #x

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