#i don’t like the mystery of rick being unraveled and if it had to be unraveled i’d rather it be a finale of the series

[joshuahyslop]

BOOKS

The last 10 books I’ve read:

1. Death In Her Hands - Ottessa Moshfegh I really enjoyed this book. Previously I’d only ever read a collection of her short stories and they were incredibly dark and depressing. This one is more of a mystery. It feels a little bit like watching an A24 movie. I kind of wish the ending had gone a different way, but it was enjoyable and very well written.

2. Stoner - John Williams I’d read another book by Williams a while back and hadn’t been particularly blown away but this book was recommended to me by multiple people over the last few weeks and then I saw it as a “staff pick” at my local used bookstore, so I went for it. It’s a lovely book, but I’m not sure the description on the cover, “The best novel you’ve never read” was really accurate. Good book. Not great.

3. The Creative Act: A Way of Being - Rick Rubin I’m having a bit of a tough time with this one. I like Rick Rubins work. I’m not sure how to feel about the man himself. He has a bit of a cult following and he’s really taken on this sort of guru-like persona over the past few years. This book is full of some really helpful and insightful ideas and ways of looking at art and creativity in general. But I can’t help feel it’s a little self-indulgent. Each chapter is, at most, 5 pages long, usually less, and there are blank pages between each chapter. A lot of paper could’ve been saved with this one. Still, you can’t argue with Rubin’s track record and the breadcrumbs he’s scattering here are absolutely worth picking up - I just don’t think there needs to be quite as much space between them.

4. Yellowface - R. F. Kuang My wife read this for her bookclub and recommended I check it out. She read it in a day so I figured I could put my very tall stack of books to read on hold for a minute. I read it in two sittings. It’s a very quick and easy read but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good book. It’s written by a woman of colour from a white woman’s perspective. I won’t give anything away but it was very well done. It’s part thriller, part comedy, part drama, all the while dealing with creative liberty, plagiarism, and racism. I really enjoyed this one.

5. American Buffalo - David Mamet Every once in a while I get really into reading plays. I think there’s always been a part of me that wanted to be an actor but I was always way too insecure. I love going to live theatre and I try to pay attention to the scene as much as I can - even if I’ll never take the stage. This is a great play. The whole thing takes place in one room. It’s gritty and funny and brutal. Although I’ve read a lot about him I’d never actually read a play by David Mamet. He’s not for everyone, but I loved it. If you’re into plays and have any to recommend, send them my way.

6. The Missionary Position - Christopher Hitchens This is a quick read but definitely a worthwhile one. For one thing, I love reading Hitchens for his incredible ability to wonderfully articulate himself. For another, I love reading Hitchens because, to him, there is nothing sacred. Despite having what seems like a rather provocative title, this is a very grim and sober look at the life of Mother Theresa. Hitchens noted several instances of seeming hypocrisy and political opportunism in her religious life and decided to take a closer look, judging her reputation by her actions and words and not the other way around. I grew up admiring Mother Theresa - even when her journals full of doubts were published, I was encouraged by my church to continue believing because, "Even Mother Theresa doubts!". It wasn't until I went to India and volunteered at The Missionaries of Charity that things began to unravel for me. There was little to no medical care being extended to these kids and several passed away in the few days I was there. It was heartbreaking and confusing and it took a long time for me to begin to understand it. This little book helped.

7. The Caretaker - Harold Pinter Another play. I've never read anything by Pinter before but I've heard his name many times. I didn't particularly enjoy reading this play. It's kind of confusing and pretty uneventful. But once I'd finished reading it I looked it up on YouTube and saw a young Colin Firth performing one of the monologues from it and it was amazing. I'll be keeping my eye out to see this one live.

8. The Love Poems - Harold Norse A short while ago I was consumed (and not for the first time) by Bukowski's poetry. I couldn't stop reading it. I bought book after book and would go home and immediately dive in. Somewhere in all my reading I noticed he'd mentioned Harold Norse as one of the best poets to ever live. Being a massive fan of Bukowski's I decided it would be wise to read what inspired someone who’s inspired me. I'm not really sure what I was expecting, and - to be fair, I've only read this one collection (which, I should mention was SO generously gifted to me by a friend after I posted that I was looking for some of Norse's work) and in it's very title it suggests romance, but it wasn't this. It's very sexual and very confusing. Harold Norse was an openly gay man at a time when it was not openly accepted to be so. For that reason I found his writing brave as it deals mainly with issues of homosexuality. But, overall, I wasn't moved in the same way as I've been while reading Bukowski's. I have another book of his (which was also a gift from the same friend) so, we’ll see.

9. Why Grow Up? - Susan Neiman A small book but a lengthy read. It's been a while since I've jumped into the world of Philosophy. It's one I've always felt drawn to but then almost immediately overwhelmed by whenever I've dipped my toe. This was no exception. It's an unflinching look at ageing physically, emotionally and mentally and societies/politics role in either encouraging or discouraging growth and maturity in these areas. I enjoyed it and now I've got lots to think about.

10. Dangling in the Tournefortia - Charles Bukowski What can I say? I wasn't even looking for another book of his poems, a friend gifted it to me and I dove straight in. This particular book was released in 1981. It's not my favourite era of Bukowski's. He's no longer down and out, he's no longer hungry. He's living well and has a bit of a name for himself. Still, there are gems here. He wrestles with those very issues, he still has words in his soul. It's inspiring but in a different way. I'm glad I read it and I'm thankful for the gift from my friend, but I'm also glad that this wasn't my introduction to his work. I don't think this would've hooked me the way his early work did.

more soon, -joshua

[therealricksanchezpleasestandup]

i have a lot of Opinons™️ on the rick and morty finale and i think i might end up making this rick deviate from the show because i feel like the season finale didn’t need to provide answers so soon and it very much gave me vibes of them trying to shut everyone up

#i don’t like the mystery of rick being unraveled and if it had to be unraveled i’d rather it be a finale of the series #i know some of u also know i have opinons on the treatment of diane and i really don’t like that they officially committed #to the ‘waaaaaah dead wife’ bit #anyway rick sanchez belongs to me now he’s my oc #evil morty slapped though good for evil morty #ooc; #tbd; #unformatted text; #mobile post; #rnm spoilers

[xtruss]

The Empty Blockbuster Music of DJ Khaled

His latest album, “Khaled Khaled,” seems to exist solely for the pursuit of clout.

— By Sheldon Pearce | The New Yorker | May 4, 2021

The use of the hip-hop personality’s full name in the album’s title is supposed to signify maturation.

At the 1995 Source Awards, Suge Knight, the thug mogul of Death Row Records, took to the stage to criticize his rival, Sean (Puffy) Combs, the founder of Bad Boy Records. “Any artist out there that want to be an artist and want to stay a star, and don’t want to have to worry about the executive producer trying to be all in the videos, all on the record, dancing—come to Death Row,” he howled. He was drawing a line between being “real” and being “commercial,” and between the backstage impresario and the on-air talent. Combs, he implied, disrupted the balance, and took the spotlight off actual entertainers; he was standing where he shouldn’t be, in a place reserved for creators.

The desire to be “all on the record, dancing” is DJ Khaled’s entire ethos. He studied Combs carefully and sought to make being “commercial” a personality. He is not a performer; he is a presenter. His superpower is networking—as a d.j. in Miami, he amassed considerable connections. His creative philosophy is exemplified by a quote that he gave to The Fader, in 2013: “If you can’t find it, you gotta go make it. If you can’t make it, you gotta go find it.” He leans heavily toward the latter. He can’t rap and, until recently, he rarely produced, so “finding it” was often pegged as his sole talent. His lack of involvement in the creative process became a running gag. “What Does DJ Khaled Do and Is He Good for Hip-Hop?” a Complex story from 2012 asked. “Solving the Mystery of What DJ Khaled Actually Does,” posited another, from 2016, in the Houston Press. Khaled aspired to fill a position that Combs once gave himself: “vibe giver.”

Khaled’s megamix cuts, filled with boldface artists, once had a certain novelty. When he started, he was assembling rappers in his orbit for low-stakes rap-offs. The music had a clear precursor: the promotional mixtapes used by rap d.j.s to cement their statuses as masters of the airwaves. The albums followed a formula marked out by DJ Clue’s “The Professional” and Kid Capri’s “Soundtrack to the Streets.” But Khaled had far larger aspirations: he wanted to be seen as a hitmaker in his own right. By his second album, he’d cracked the code. “We Takin’ Over,” with Akon, T.I., Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Birdman, and Lil Wayne, scored him his first platinum record. “I’m So Hood,” with T-Pain, Trick Daddy, Rick Ross, and Plies, scored him his first outright hit—and the official remix of the song, which added more than twice as many new verses, became a mark of his growing reach.

In recent years, Khaled has used his influence to transform himself into a sort of rap Tony Robbins. He preaches a positivity gospel so empty that it borders on satire, or even performance art. He has even become a cartoon character, using an animated self-help persona to sell the everyman on the keys to success. In 2016, he wrote a book of affirmations literally called “The Keys.” The following year, he released an album called “Grateful.” He sold thrones and gold lions as part of a furniture line. He promoted a cryptocurrency (and was subsequently charged by the S.E.C. for failing to disclose payments that he received for the promotion). He played a motivational coach in a Geico ad. Everything he did came to feel like marketing, most of all his music.

DJ Khaled albums now seem to exist solely for the pursuit of clout. The songs are high-profile mashups devised as heat-seeking missiles for the Billboard charts. The choices of artists are tailored to burnish his personal brand, the music equivalent of bathing in the residual glow of a string of celebrity name drops—accomplishment by association. The music isn’t a success if it’s good; it’s a success if it reinforces Khaled’s self-perpetuating myth of the A-list hitmaker.

That myth threatened to unravel, in 2019, when Khaled and his album “Father of Asahd” lost a chart race to Tyler, the Creator’s “IGOR.” In a shameless (but not uncommon) attempt to boost sales by using bundled purchases, Khaled sold the album with energy drinks through an e-commerce site, Shop.com. According to the Times, Billboard disqualified most of Khaled’s bundles for encouraging unauthorized bulk sales and awarded the No. 1 slot to Tyler. After working transparently in pursuit of the top spot, the proponent of the “All I Do Is Win” ideology finished second.

By that point, Khaled’s all-star collaborations were losing juice. In 2017, the Scottish d.j. and producer Calvin Harris released an album called “Funk Wav Bounces Vol. 1,” which he produced himself. The songs were sleeker and more organized, and they had far more interesting groupings. The singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran, with his “No.6 Collaborations Project,” turned the format into a truly creative exercise. As time has gone on, the type of collaborations that it seemed only Khaled could orchestrate have started to come about naturally. Last month, the rappers Young Thug and Gunna released “Slime Language 2,” a label compilation full of unusual pairings.

Khaled has been forced to adapt, and his new album, “Khaled Khaled,” tweaks the model. The use of his full name is supposed to signify maturation. “If you look at some of your favourite icons, there’s a point when people start calling them by their real name,” he told the U.K edition of GQ. “You know Khaled as a mogul, as a hustler, but I am a father. And a winner. And I am God’s child.” In keeping with that symbolic evolution, he plays the auteur this time. After a Michael Bay-like run of big set pieces with explosive combinations, Khaled wants to become the Steven Spielberg of the rap blockbuster.

A few of the biggest artists of the moment—Drake, Cardi B, and Justin Timberlake, who have at least fourteen No. 1 songs between them—get solo showcases. (Drake gets two.) One of rap’s most promising risers, Lil Baby; the cult phenomenon Bryson Tiller; and the egot contender H.E.R. all appear multiple times. Khaled shuffles the matchups around a bit. Beneath these cosmetic adjustments, though, it all feels familiar. Most of the performers on this album were on his previous one, and the music yearns to reach new heights without taking any risks. The shortcomings of “Khaled Khaled” are twofold: it is a failure of imagination and a failure of spectacle. Even when previous Khaled singles started to feel as if they were product tested before a group of Spotify data analysts, there was at least a curatorial sensibility at work. Now Khaled is producing full-on paeans to prosperity, and the music makes no attempt to entertain.

When Khaled brought the bona-fide pop star Justin Bieber into the fold, on “I’m the One,” from 2017, it felt like a huge get. But the move only seems like pandering by now, the third time around. There is no thrill in the return of the Migos or the oddball union of Post Malone and Megan Thee Stallion. And there is no refuge to be found in the beats, which rely heavily on classic rap samples and the nostalgia they induce. The album’s aspiration-over-inspiration approach is made clear by “This Is My Year,” which features Rick Ross, Big Sean, A Boogie Wit da Hoodie, and Combs ad-libbing as Puff Daddy. The verses get more and more rigid and colorless as they go on. Big Sean is “going over blueprints” in the boardroom, and Rick Ross has Forbes on his mind, rapping, “305 the code if you wanna get a block / You can send in Bitcoins, time to triple it with stocks.” Making money in rap used to be fun, but in the uber-capitalist realm of nonstop advancement that dominates Khaled’s mind, it’s all work.

Blame some of that on contemporary rap’s forebears, who, in middle age, have turned to old-money methods as a sign of maturity—none more so than New York City’s hip-hop kingpins Jay-Z and Nas. The two team up on “Khaled Khaled” to take venture-capitalist raps to new lows on “Sorry Not Sorry,” a celebratory toast that appropriates the language of the sarcastic non-apology for one-percenter consumption. The pair have rarely sounded so bored or so didactic, rapping about cryptocurrencies, Silicon Valley, and angel investments with the smugness of a late-night infomercial pushing a pyramid scheme. In these verses, settling into the lap of luxury isn’t glamorous; it’s a cold, lifeless calculus. The same is true of the single “Popstar,” Drake’s lamest-possible engagement with his celebrity profile. In what is among the most listless performances of his career, the Toronto idol reels off the stats accumulated by his mounting success with a shrug. “Crown in my hand and I’m really playin’ keep-away / Shit don’t even usually get this big without a Bieber face,” he raps.

Drake embodies the effortless, ceaseless hitmaking of Khaled’s “another one” slogan. He has had throwaways top the charts before, but not even his singles tallied a No. 1 song for Khaled this cycle. According to current projections, “Khaled Khaled” will go No. 1, but with a dramatic decrease in streams and sales from his previous album—a pyrrhic victory. No one knows how to spin better than Khaled, and he’ll likely use the top-of-the-charts tanking to shout “We the best” through a megaphone. But if he isn’t an artist, an entertainer, or a booster, what’s left?

— Sheldon Pearce is the music writer and editor for Goings On About Town.

[yeonchi]

Kisekae Insights #15: Hiroki and Akari’s Strawberry Mysteries Part 1 (with Hybrid explanation)

These next two instalments weren’t easy for me to write. Off the bat, the subject of these instalments is the relationship between the protagonist, Hiroki Ichigo, and his wife, Akari Ichigo. Why wasn’t it easy for me to talk about it? The subject and the storylines associated with it are heavily based on elements of my life and their associated fantasies.

Writing the review for Can You Hear Me? has really inspired me to talk about some high school friends who I wasn’t necessarily friends with (I say that because I never hung out with them much). In that review, I mentioned my high school crush as one person I was reminded of after watching the episode. The character of Akari is based on her, but this infatuation goes way deeper than you think given how much effort I put into writing her storylines in my project.

Portions of these storylines were inspired from the final episodes of certain TVB dramas from 2013-14. As such, I feel obligated to provide content (trigger) warnings as these storylines contain themes associated with mental illness, suicide and domestic violence.

In case you haven’t seen, I’m going to be giving my answer to the Hybrid in this instalment. I’m leaving the IRL context until Part 2 in the next instalment and I’ll also be taking a break after that. For now, enjoy the rollercoaster as we start going down the rabbit hole that is Hiroki and Akari’s relationship.

Hiroki Ichigo: The Enigma Beneath

You will notice that the character profiles for Hiroki and Akari are different from the ones I’ve done so far, particularly in that they have no job or personality descriptions. Aside from being officers or superheroes, any job I give them ends up being forgotten once the story arc gets going (I wish Chibnall could say the same about Yaz), so they don’t end up mattering anyway. As for Hiroki’s personality, I’ve already covered that in #2.

I’ve detailed Hiroki in his final incarnation here because most of the storyline revolves around this incarnation, but his previous incarnations do have significance in the storyline likewise.

Also, you will notice that I’ve designated Hiroki as the Hybrid. I’ve never really liked the Hybrid arc because it gave too many possibilities that pointed to multiple figures potentially being the Hybrid. Steven Moffat did reveal that the Hybrid was supposed to be the Doctor and Clara together, but to me, that’s just a red herring for the identity of the real Hybrid. This is my answer to the Hybrid arc – Hiroki Ichigo is the Hybrid.

Here are some of the criteria given for the Hybrid throughout Series 11 (BBC Series 9). The Hybrid is a creature crossbred from two warrior races, supposedly the Time Lords and the Daleks. According to all Matrix prophecies, the Hybrid will stand in the ruins of Gallifrey and unravel the Web of Time, breaking a billion billion hearts to heal its own.

Let’s break down the Doctor’s final line in Heaven Sent:

“The Hybrid is not half-Dalek. Nothing is half-Dalek. The Daleks would never allow that.” Just because the Doctor can say it can’t be half-Dalek doesn’t mean that it isn’t. Besides, Hiroki isn’t half-Dalek anyway – technically, he is part-Kaled, the Kaleds being the ancestors of the Daleks. But since the Kaleds are synonymous with the Daleks, this fulfills the Dalek portion of the Hybrid.

“The Hybrid destined to conquer Gallifrey and stand in its ruins… is me.” Some people believe “me” refers to Ashildr, also known as Me, but I think that the Doctor accusing Ashildr of being the Hybrid is just him deflecting the blame because he was in denial of being the Hybrid (plus, the Doctor seemed to prefer calling her Ashildr instead of Me). The Doctor was born from Hiroki, so the Doctor saying that is a bit of a stretch. However, to be fair, the Doctor didn’t even know who the Hybrid really was until Rassilon told him in Space Squad Part 3. In comparison, Hiroki realised that he was the Hybrid in the Decade finale.

Now, for the time being, Hiroki has never stepped foot on Gallifrey, but I’m planning on rectifying that in Soulbound Series 4. As for unravelling the Web of Time, that’s already been done if you count all the timeline changes I’m going to detail, so hopefully I won’t need to address that again. Since Hiroki is a warrior, you can bet that he’s broken as many hearts as he’s willing to break in order to heal his own.

So how did Hiroki become the Hybrid? Firstly, Hiroki was born a human with Time Lord and Jenova DNA (see #2). Later on, in 2012, Hiroki became part-Kaled/Dalek after his DNA got mixed up with Akari’s during a regeneration (read on to find out).

In 2018, during Age of Riders Forever, Hiroki found himself being pursued by alternate versions of himself who had banded together and based themselves in the Capital (like the Citadel of Ricks in Rick and Morty). Hiroki upgrades his vortex manipulator so he can travel in time. After incorporating Kamen Rider Wizard’s Time Ring into his manipulator and using his own body to calibrate it, Hiroki manages to go into the past and make contact with his past self multiple times.

At some point, Hiroki was found and brought to the Council (the equivalent of the Council of Ricks), where he was given a mission to detonate a memory bomb in exchange for leniency. He does so, but when the Council comes to pick him up, he refuses to go back with them and teleports away. Hiroki’s travels had caused numerous paradoxes, but his vortex manipulator caused the temporal energy to build up inside his body, which would rip him apart and scatter him throughout the Time Vortex instead of ending the universe.

Sure enough, Hiroki’s body was ripped apart, but his consciousness was saved by his ex-wife and her family that he saved inside the supercomputer in Dewey’s library on Never Land. They then sent Hiroki back out and made him a new body using fairy dust, pollen, the happiness of everyone on the Mainland, the remains of his DNA from his old body and about half a field’s worth of dandelion seeds. After that, Hiroki leads the fairies and Flowertots in an attack on the Capital, saving his friends while killing the Council and all the other versions of himself. With Hiroki now being part-fairy and part-Flowertot, he gained the ability to utilise some forms of Never Land magic, but because he doesn’t possess a source of magic or a connection to one, it requires some time to recharge naturally.

And so, that was the story of how Hiroki became the Hybrid.

Akari Ichigo: Mystery Girl Becomes Seductress Becomes Assassin Becomes Wife

I didn’t put a personality description for Akari in the pic mainly because she’s based on my crush and I have no idea what her personality is like. Therefore, my personality description for her would only be based on my impressions of her and what I think she would be like in the project. Needless to say, I didn’t put a lot of thought into it. When she’s good, she cares for Hiroki really much (though it’s mostly because of the hypnotic seduction perfume), but when she’s evil, she just doesn’t care about him. In the Series 9 finale, there’s a bit where she literally says “I’m gonna put a cap in your ass” in a yandere-like manner before Hiroki smacks her around and shoots her in the head, but we’ll come back to that in Part 2.

Originally, I was of the belief that Akari was born in 1998, making her six months younger than Hiroki, but I later found that I was one year off; Akari was actually born in 1999, making her eighteen months younger than Hiroki. This change doesn’t affect the story a lot, but I am kind of pissed that I didn’t know this earlier.

Akari’s paternal grandfather is a Kaled named Antoni, meaning that from him, she has a link to the Daleks. Akari was used by both her family and the Daleks as a tool to get to the Doctor by having her seduce and kill Hiroki. They didn’t know that Akari would end up getting seduced herself and before they knew it, she ended up getting in too deep that they had to wrench her off him with the help of Girl Power.

On top of that, they also didn’t know that Akari had made such an impact on Hiroki that he went to extreme lengths to either take her back or kill her. Akari never loved Hiroki, but she never had the guts to say it to his face and break off their relationship amicably. At the end of the Last Great Time War, when Girl Power were defeated for good, Akari got back with Hiroki and all was well again. Or so they thought…

The introductions are over. Let’s get into the story. Before I do, I want to clarify that Hiroki and Akari weren’t known by those names until 2014 onwards.

First meeting retcon

Based on the release order of my stories, Hiroki and Akari originally met in 2011 when they were in their secondary school armies. However, paradoxes, timeline changes and retcons have made that first meeting WAY earlier than that.

The root reason why schools were forming armies and fighting each other goes back to the 90’s when the state government established Arming Schools for the Future alongside One Country Two (Naming) Systems. Towards the end of the 90’s, a member of Akari’s family became an MP to prevent those two programs from being abolished when the opposition party formed government.

After Antoni went off to fight in the Time War, Kaled agent Neramix met with his children and helped them incite a war between the schools to support the Dalek cause. The two armies that they incited happened to be the kindergarten armies that Hiroki and Akari were in.

In March 2003, the two armies went into battle. This was the first battle of the Time War on Earth and the first battle for Hiroki and Akari. During the battle, Akari runs away from her unit and hides. Hiroki spots her and sneaks away from his unit to follow her. After encountering each other, they hide together and talk to pass the time. Akari doesn’t want to fight because she doesn’t want to make the world scarier than it already is, but Hiroki fights because he wants to make the world nice again. Hiroki decides to escape with Akari and take her home, but after a distraction involving two incarnations of the Doctor and some TARDISes, Parker finds Hiroki and drags him back into the battle, leaving Akari wondering what happened.

Thanks to that interaction, Neramix had what he needed to slowly mould Akari into Hiroki’s future killer. Neramix would be killed by Kamen Rider Decade soon after, but his intention was to have Antoni’s grandchildren, namely Akari’s brother and cousins, oversee this plan and fight in the Time War in place of their parents.

Over the next few years, Hiroki and Akari would meet out of nowhere, but little did they know that these meetings were a result of time manipulations by the Daleks. On top of that, additional changes to the timeline led them to meet more frequently.

By February 2010, Akari’s primary school army had become part of the Oda Army. Parker was planning a campaign for his primary school army to defeat the Oda, Mōri and Date armies and conquer their territories. He arranged for Hiroki to “defect” to Akari’s army and act as a spy for a few weeks. When the invasion occurred, Hiroki returned to his army, breaking Akari’s heart. Another few weeks later, the two of them reconciled when their armies encountered each other again in battle.

The date of their “first meeting” was rapidly approaching and at the way the timeline was going, the Web of Time would become damaged. In December 2010, during the primary school armies’ graduation ceremonies, the Master (Harold Saxon) used a dimensional splitter to transport them into a pocket dimension and pit them against each other in a “Graduation Battle Royale”. Hiroki and Akari met each other again, but Kamen Rider Decade arrives and fights them as he attempts to detonate a memory bomb (a replica of a forbidden weapon of the same name in the Omega Arsenal) between them. Decade evades them and successfully detonates the memory bomb just as the armies are returned to their rightful locations.

The memory bomb would supposedly restore people’s memories of the correct timelines and erase the memories of Hiroki and Akari interacting with each other before 2011. As a side effect, however, their timelines were burst open with metaphorical superglue on the broken ends. A couple of months later, in February 2011, Hiroki and Akari were in the same secondary school army. At the end of their first day, Hiroki and Akari encounter each other again, weeks before their actual first meeting. They accidentally touch hands as they dodge a falling flowerpot and as a result, they discover that they are fading out of existence until they touch hands. After seeing the Doctor, they discover that they have “Intertwined Pinkie Syndrome” – well, not really, but their timelines were fused and if they were to let go of each other, they would fade out of existence as their timelines would have no beginning or no end.

As such, Hiroki and Akari were forced to live together for the time being. The next few days went a bit like the two music videos below (because this storyline was inspired from them):

Later, the Doctor discovers that the effects can be reversed if Hiroki and Akari are willing to sacrifice their lives to save someone. At the same time, the two stop an old lady from being hit by a reversing van. Their hands let go, but they do not disappear. Their timelines return to normal and they go back to their own lives.

Without the courage to say “I’m sorry”

Finally, Hiroki and Akari meet each other for the first time in March 2011. Hiroki begins to fall in love with Akari and before long, their friends become aware of this along with Akari’s cousins, Daniel and David, meaning that the pieces of their plan are finally coming together. They formed the Teiro Army and began taking action by intruding into Hiroki’s battles. Eventually, after Parker’s death and the fall of the Sanada Army, they built up enough strength to ally with other armies, who have affiliations with Hiroki, and turned them against him.

Over the course of the next 16 months, Hiroki’s friends encouraged him to talk to Akari and ask her out, but he never ended up doing so, either because she was with her friends or he couldn’t muster up the courage to do so even when she was alone. He got more acquainted with Akari’s friends than Akari herself. When Akari and her friends founded Girl Power in February 2012, Hiroki just happened to be on the other side of Hong Kong. Eventually, Maya, one of Akari’s friends, tells Hiroki to talk to Akari before it is too late.

In May 2012, Hiroki writes a love letter for Akari, though this was partly as a result of a plot by his friends. She shows it to her cousins, who then launch an attack on Hiroki and his allies, the Takeda Army. Despite fighting each other in the battle, neither of them even brings up the love letter.

Later, in July 2012, the Teiro Army takes over Hiroki’s secondary school army, forcing him to escape with the Takeda Army. Daniel contacts Hiroki and tells him that they have taken his friends hostage. Hiroki realises what is going on and calls out Akari for being too scared to tell him face-to-face about the love letter, causing her to snap and agree to meet him alone.

Sure enough, the two of them meet alone in a hall or stadium. After some pressure from Hiroki, Akari admits that she doesn’t love him the same way he loves her, but they can still be friends. Hiroki accepts her offer, but Daniel throws some rape gas (that he stole from the police) at them, saying that they don’t deserve each other.

Going on a tangent for a bit, rape gas is similar to tear gas, but the principle of how it works is basically “rape or be raped” – depending on a person’s mental state, they would either faint or develop the urge to sexually assault anyone in sight. In July 2011, the police first tested the rape gas at a university, where protesters and counter-protesters were protesting about kids fighting in armies, racism/crime, climate change, the fact that you can drive from Melbourne to Tokyo in a matter of hours and ACAB. However, this time around, Daniel modified the rape gas, meaning that Hiroki or Akari would have to violate or kill the other person in order to get out alive.

Hiroki and Akari managed to resist the effects of the gas, fighting each other until Parker and a few others, who had managed to free themselves, break in and save them. Parker dispels the effects of the rape gas from them, causing them to lose their memories of the past couple of hours as they are knocked out. They regain consciousness later before Hiroki, Parker and their allies purge the Teiro Army and their allies from the city.

Under his spell

Following the final battle against the Teiro Army, the Arming Schools for the Future program was abolished and the armies would become schools again once the holidays were over. Hiroki was given the privilege to choose whether he would stay with his army or leave and he chose to leave. For a while, Parker gave Hiroki a choice to join him or become a ronin (wanderer), but he refused because of Akari. The reason why he decided to leave was because people had become afraid of him following the events of the battle. Instead of joining Parker or the Takeda Army, he decided to become a ronin because aside from fighting, he had nothing else to live for.

Hiroki decided to travel the land while Akari went to Okinawa with her cousins, Narutaki and Veronica. Hiroki’s travels would eventually lead him to Okinawa, where a parallel version of himself from a parallel universe would help him ask Akari out by spraying him with some hypnotic seduction perfume. Akari became caught in the perfume’s spell and so, she and Hiroki became a couple.

A few months later in November, the Salacian Time War came along. Hiroki and Akari were not involved in the war itself, but they played a role in its endgame. Hiroki and Akari were hanging out with the latter’s friends when Daniel had them kidnapped and taken to their base in the Serra do Mar mountain range, codenamed “the forests of Wanmokai”. Hiroki is subjected to a weapon known as the Dehydrator, which sucks the strength out of the victim and drives their brain to the point of insanity. After a while, he manages to untie himself before falling to the ground. Following a meta-crisis regeneration which results in Takumi Kamijō being born and escaping from the base, Hiroki and Akari are found by Parker, who teleports them back to his base in Santos.

Later, Parker and the others are trying to power up the Harmony Signal, but even with Ultimate Madoka’s help, they still can’t get it fully charged. Hiroki is still struggling to regenerate following the meta-crisis and requires a catalyst in order to regenerate, so he decides to propose to Akari. As they kiss, Hiroki regenerates, but his DNA gets mixed up with Akari’s, making him part-Kaled (fulfilling the Time Lord and Dalek requirements for the Hybrid) and making his subsequent prototypes their children. The new prototype, Kumiko Hayashi, is able to provide Parker with enough energy to fully charge the Harmony Signal.

At this point, some people would say that dating for 3-4 months before proposing is a bit fast, but when you think about it, they’ve known each other for nearly two years, or nine years with seven on-and-off.

After another year of dating and getting caught in turbulent events, Hiroki and Akari got married in December 2013, with Princess Celestia acting as their celebrant and singer Miyuki Nakajima featuring as a guest at their reception.

A chaotic marriage

Even before his wedding, Hiroki had suspected that Girl Power was plotting something behind the scenes and that if he were to walk into their trap, he would die. Borrowing the Pony Doctor’s TARDIS, Hiroki went on a farewell tour in order to delay his own wedding, but upon hearing that his old friend, one of the commanders from his primary school army, had died, Hiroki decides to accept his fate.

The day after Hiroki and Akari’s wedding, a man named Reona Yukawa (a man from a hentai game with an IQ of 256) worked with the Master to save Antoni from the Crucible. Soon after, the Daleks begin attacking Hong Kong. Hiroki and Akari work with the Fourth Doctor as they meet with Parker and Violet, who defeat the Daleks with newer Daleks. For context, it is the bronze (Time War) Daleks fighting against the coloured Daleks of the New Dalek Paradigm. Despite their reception, I’ve never liked how the latter was underused throughout the series, so I thought I’d give them some love here. Meanwhile, the Fifth Doctor is in seclusion on Paris Island with Marco Wong and his wife, Princess Maritan (from the manga that teaches Japanese people how to swear in English with army imagery).

Suddenly, Antoni transports the landmasses containing the Doctor and his friends to their base at Koshi Castle in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Hiroki, his prototypes and their partners are taken and they have their germ cells taken and placed in the Progenitor, rendering them infertile as the Daleks breed super-soldiers out of them. Soon after, Akari is kidnapped and brainwashed by Girl Power, who pairs her with a new husband, a white man (I don’t know why I pointed that out, that makes me sound racist) named Shaun. When Hiroki and the Fourth Doctor find them, Hiroki tries to grab Akari, but he is shot by all the Girl Power officers. The Fourth Doctor runs away to find Parker and Violet while Hiroki makes his way back to his TARDIS and regenerates into a new prototype, a four-year-old boy who would be named Kyōya Shinomiya.

In the Progenitor, a baby is being grown from Hiroki and Akari’s DNA – their daughter, who would be named Kasumi Shinomiya. Due to Takumi’s interference, the baby would end up in Manchester in December 2005, coincidentally the same place where Akari and Shaun would encounter Kyōya and Kasumi and form a family together. Meanwhile, Hiroki, having lost his magical boy powers following his regeneration, accepts a deal from the witch Walpurgisnacht and manifests into a female incarnation who would call herself Momoka Mizutani. Momoka opened up a Hong Kong-style café in Salford, with red drone Daleks disguising as her human staff, and for the next eight years, Momoka would become acquainted with the Shinomiya family as they became regular customers. She also uses an infostamp to make contact with Kyōya, unbeknownst to the rest of his family.

Eight years later, the Fourth and Fifth Doctors arrive in Manchester. They encounter each other and head to Momoka’s café to talk. Just as they learn who actually owns the café (Hiroki), Ayaka Kikuchi comes in with her army and engages in a shootout with Momoka and the Daleks. After defeating Ayaka’s army, Momoka transmats herself and the Shinomiya family to her ship, where she prepares to have Ayaka, Shaun, Kyōya and Kasumi exterminated using the Yashio’ori, a mythical weapon (from Warriors Orochi 3) capable of firing Dalek energy rays like machine guns or a concentrated laser beam that can pierce even dwarf star alloy. Unfortunately, the Yashio’ori was sabotaged by Ayaka and her allies so that the laser beam would not charge after Momoka fired it once during a demonstration.

Momoka is killed in the ensuing battle, but Walpurgisnacht took over her body and regenerated her, allowing her to continue with her plan. She searches out people who had wronged her over the years and enacts her own brutal justice on them. She also begins to experience psychosis brought on by a regenerative crisis, causing her to hallucinate her previous incarnation. The Doctors and Parker catch on to this and begin searching for her. Parker and Violet encounter her at UNIT and they convince her to surrender herself and not give up hope that things will be better. As Momoka proclaims that she still has unfinished business to take care of, Parker and Violet decide to work together with her so they can help her find the help she needs.

After confronting the Shinomiya family again, Momoka shoots Akari in the arm and kidnaps Shaun. She takes a video of him confessing to stealing Hiroki’s wife from him and sends it to Parker and the Doctors. Under the guise of delivering the ransom money to Momoka, Violet picks her up at a carpark and takes her to a getaway car she and Parker left for her. However, when they get there, Momoka is cornered, so she lets Violet go before she shoots herself in the head. Her body disappears as her TARDIS takes her away.

All this time, Reona, Antoni and the Master had used the distraction provided by their allies to prepare an army to start another Parallax War. The Daleks prepare to bind Akari and Shaun’s minds together as they prepare to become the emperor and empress of the new Girl Empire, but Kyōya, Kasumi and Momoka had been working to prevent this. Momoka summoned Hiroki’s past incarnations, along with his prototypes and even Storm Dasher, to fire infostamps at the throne, separating Akari from Shaun and breaking her from her conditioning. As the mind-breaker’s efficiency approaches 100%, Momoka uses a key to connect her mind with Akari, intertwining their timelines and making their previous encounters with each other fixed points in time.

Akari is freed, but all the Daleks turn on Reona, Antoni and the Master. After the first two are exterminated, the Master destroys Koshi Castle with a nuclear device before escaping, killing all the Daleks and super-soldiers with it. Girl Power managed to escape as well and most of their members went into hiding, but Shaun was apprehended off-screen, convicted of war crimes and sentenced to cryogenic suspension. Following this, Momoka regenerated into Hiroki, her final incarnation, and got back together with Akari. As a result of events, they (and some others) were eight years older than they should be.

This storyline was inspired by the final episodes of A Great Way to Care II (仁心解碼II), with Momoka being based on the character Apple Lam Chung-yan (林頌恩) played by Tavia Yeung (楊怡). Momoka would become a prototype and return in Series 9.

Anyway, I think that’s enough for now. If you thought that last storyline was harrowing enough, wait till you get to Part 2. It’s the part where things get turbulent and I cross the lines of morality so many times that you’ll be calling me an incel before you even get to the IRL context. My judgement day is nigh. See you in the next instalment.

#kisekae insights

[lifejustgotawkward]

365 Day Movie Challenge (2017) - #348: Blade Runner 2049 (2017) - dir. Denis Villeneuve

As the end credits rolled on Blade Runner 2049 last Sunday night at the Regal Union Square multiplex, I turned to my friend and asked her my usual question, “So, what did you think?” She groaned out, “that was really boring,” and the wave of relief I felt at her response was the perfect summation of my feelings.

How did Blade Runner 2049 disappoint me? Let me count the ways.

I watched Ridley Scott’s original Blade Runner (1982) back in September. I was impressed, though not bowled over, by the theatrical cut, but I still wanted to give the final cut a chance. When I got around to watching that “definitive” version, I found that I actually missed Harrison Ford’s gruff, noiresque narration from the earlier edit of the film, but overall my appreciation for Blade Runner had grown and the second viewing allowed me to focus less on the plot and to better appreciate both the acting and the technical aspects of the production.

My expectations for Blade Runner 2049 were fairly high. I was eager to see how Denis Villeneuve built on Scott’s (and, of course, writer Philip K. Dick’s) visions of dystopian Los Angeles by pushing the narrative thirty years further into the future from the first Blade Runner’s setting in 2019. Although I missed the chance to see this new installment in IMAX - hey, those tickets are expensive when you don’t have spare cash to throw around! - I knew I still had to take the time to watch the film on the big screen. No TV could possibly do justice to an epic sci-fi tale of the Blade Runner variety, at least not for an introductory experience.

Bear with me, now, when I say that Blade Runner 2049 was a massive letdown. Yes, Roger Deakins’ stunning cinematography is practically guaranteed to earn him an Oscar nomination. And yes, the art direction, production design and set decoration further supports Denis Villeneuve‘s strengths regarding compelling visuals. I would also be totally fine with Renée April getting an Oscar nomination for costume design since the coat that Officer K (Ryan Gosling) wears throughout the film is incredible. Unfortunately, for the third year in a row (after Sicario and Arrival) my hopes for Villeneuve’s work have been dashed. For three years running he has fallen short of his ambitious ideas, whether attempting to concentrate on an idealistic DEA agent (Emily Blunt in Sicario), a linguist simultaneously mourning the death of her daughter and trying to make contact with aliens (Amy Adams in Arrival) or a Replicant Blade Runner (Ryan Gosling in Blade Runner 2049) who unravels a mystery about a female Replicant who was able to bear a child. All of these protagonists should be worthy of my undivided attention. Instead, Gosling - like one of Nexus’s new edition of Replicants - is just another in a continuing line of failed leads.

Part of the issue is Ryan Gosling’s own fault. In interviews I find him absolutely delightful, a funny and self-deprecating guy with a nicely offbeat sense of humor; in movies he is unremittingly bland. Whether we’re talking about The Notebook or Crazy, Stupid, Love or The Big Short, he never seems to have any discernible personality on film. It makes sense, then, that he would be chosen to play an android in Blade Runner 2049. But what does it say that he didn’t even play Officer K well? Replicants can be portrayed with emotion, if you recall Rutger Hauer, Sean Young, Daryl Hannah, Brion James and Joanna Cassidy in the original Blade Runner. Each actor breathed life into their characters in unique styles. So why couldn’t Villeneuve and screenwriters Hampton Fancher and Michael Green find a way to inject some flavor into their film’s characters?

The posters for Blade Runner 2049 imply that Harrison Ford and Jared Leto play important roles in the film, but in actuality, Leto’s “antagonist,” Niander Wallace, barely has any screen time and Ford’s returning antihero, Rick Deckard, doesn’t show up until the last third of the film. I enjoyed every moment he was onscreen, spitting his dialogue out with the same jaded sarcasm he had in the first film, but I wish the character had had more time to develop in the film. Wallace bears an undistinguished aura of evil, but what was supposed to be so special about him? Given the spotlight often put on his sightless eyes during “creepy” closeups, was his blindness really intended to be read as part of what defined him as bad (in which case, uh, what is that saying about disabilities)?

Next we have to take a look at the women of Blade Runner 2049. There are six notable female characters: Joi (Ana de Armas), a hologram who is a product created by Niander Wallace and who functions solely as K’s live-in girlfriend; Luv (Sylvia Hoeks), a Replicant who acts as Niander Wallace’s right-hand woman; Lieutenant Joshi (Robin Wright), K’s supervisor on the police force; Mariette (Mackenzie Davis), a "pleasure model” Replicant; Dr. Ana Stelline (Carla Juri), who works for the Wallace corporation in a capacity that I shouldn’t spoil for those who have not seen the film; and Freysa (Hiam Abbass), who plays a role that I similarly should not divulge. Of these six, Joi and Ana Stelline are the most sympathetic characters, but regardless of how these women’s actions are meant to be interpreted, the designs of these ladies are problematic.

Joi is an immediately likeable character, but since she is a product (and one who does not initially have a corporeal form), she does not have autonomy. With the push of a button, K can turn her off any time he wants, which I’m sure is an option a lot of dudes wish they had available for their girlfriends. Joi exists only to serve K, telling him how wonderful he is when he gets home from a long work day and providing whatever eye candy he desires (she can shapeshift to alter her clothing, hair and makeup). Should I ignore the fact that Joi has zero character development and applaud Blade Runner 2049 anyway for highlighting the ickiness of a future society where Joi-models are prevalent (thus eliminating the need for actual human women)? Maybe, but the film doesn’t bother to make a statement about this element of social interaction, other than the fact that it exists.

K is finally able to experience physical contact with Joi when she “syncs” with Mariette, a prostitute, to combine their bodies for a sexual encounter with K, resulting in my favorite shot in the film: an unsettling image of Joi and Mariette’s four blurry hands wrapping around the back of K’s head and caressing his hair. While this interlude incorporates an interesting degree of romantic intrigue - to what extent do K, Joi and Mariette understand what love is? - there is something a little too weird in the film’s dependence on the Madonna and Whore tropes, suggesting an either/or dichotomy where the only time a woman can possess both attributes is when she finds another person (technically a Replicant) who can temporarily provide the missing skills.

Luv is probably the best-developed female character, although since she is Niander Wallace’s servant, it is impossible to say where her allegiance to him ends and her own taste for violent retribution begins. Luv seems to genuinely savor hurting people, but I suppose that attitude was programmed into her by Wallace, which somewhat minimizes the cool factor in her badass fight scenes. It’s kind of odd, though, that she manages to outshine the film’s other resident tough gal, Lt. Joshi (I didn’t think anyone could outdo Robin Wright in this department, especially after Wonder Woman). Villeneuve and his writers couldn’t settle on how best to represent Joshi, so the character fluctuates between a generically butch stereotype and a leering boss who drinks too much and flirts with K. Again, not that women have to be only one thing, but I like consistency in characters rather than mixed messages. I wonder how much of Blade Runner 2049′s muddled and archaic depictions of women are thanks to Hampton Fancher, who also co-wrote the original Blade Runner’s screenplay, which was full of troublesome approaches to womanhood, sexuality and sexual consent.

In the end, the difference between Blade Runner and Blade Runner 2049 is like the distinction between a human being and a Replicant. 2049 tries to live up to the originality of that which inspired it, but it lacks the soul of its predecessor. It really says something that the most heartfelt moments in Blade Runner 2049 are two references to Ridley Scott’s film: a pivotal scene in Wallace’s lair that conjures up the memory of Rachael (Sean Young) from the film, and a moment in the penultimate scene that reuses a key piece of music from Vangelis’s original Blade Runner score. I recognize that many viewers see Blade Runner 2049 as a masterpiece, and I have tried many times in the past week to understand why, but I’m hard-pressed to comprehend why I should have spent close to three hours sitting through such an unsatisfying project, other than being able to say I bravely weathered this particular storm.

P.S. (because I couldn’t figure out where else to write this): I don’t know how many viewers will know where I’m coming from, but for the cult classic freaks out there, let me propose this theory: Blade Runner 2049 is trying to be like Paul Morrissey’s notoriously wild horror-satire Flesh for Frankenstein (1973). Check it out: a really bizarre and wealthy man (Udo Kier/Jared Leto) and his devoted assistant (Arno Juerging/Sylvia Hoeks) endeavor to construct a set of superhumans (FfF) or humanoid robots (B42049), entities that will give birth to a new generation of superbeings that will take the place of their inferior progenitors and obediently do their master’s (Kier/Leto) bidding. In fact, there are two specific scenes that reminded me of Flesh for Frankenstein while watching Blade Runner 2049: when Niander Wallace kills the naked, infertile Replicant woman (ugh, what a terrible scene), it mirrors a moment in Flesh when Arno Juerging, the loyal assistant, tries to commence sex with Baron Frankenstein’s female zombie-monster by punching her in the stomach and fatally damaging her internal organs, resulting in a grotesque display of violence similar to what we see in Blade Runner 2049.

Secondly, when Luv battles K at the sea wall and she kisses him, she is mimicking an action that Niander Wallace carried out when he killed the Replicant woman; this is also reminiscent of Flesh for Frankenstein since the Arno Juerging character often does horrible, perverse things - like conflating his lust for the female zombie with a disturbingly compulsion for violence - because he is following his master’s patterns. Take all that analysis for what it’s worth, Blade Runner fans!

P.P.S. I am also convinced that Blade Runner 2049′s Las Vegas wasteland scene was either an homage to or a ripoff of Nastassja Kinski’s desert dream sequence from another of 1982′s finest cult offerings, Cat People. Even in the slightly faded YouTube upload of the clip, the orangeness cannot be overlooked.

#365 day movie challenge 2017 #blade runner 2049 #2017 #2010s #denis villeneuve #philip k. dick #roger deakins #ryan gosling #hampton fancher #michael green #ana de armas #sylvia hoeks #robin wright #mackenzie davis #carla juri #hiam abbass #jared leto #harrison ford #sean young #vangelis #flesh for frankenstein #andy warhol's frankenstein #paul morrissey #sci-fi #sci fi #science fiction #cat people #nastassja kinski #renée april #renee april

[cripplinganxietyflix]

I saw Valerian.

If you’ve ever spoken to me at length about movies, there’s a good chance my thoughts on “headache cinema” have come up. It’s an umbrella term I’ve come up with that encompasses the deluge of loud, obnoxious, brainless, neutered, hundred-million-dollar-budgeted trashfests that are destroying theater culture as we know it. I’m talking about the Disney’s Marvel franchises, the post-Matrix Wachowski migraines, the Transformers films- head-exploding visual fuckfests that leave the average adult feeling like they’ve crawled out some hellscape version of a McDonald’s play palace birthday party. This brand of film is easily my least enjoyed and most disliked. The vast majority of the time these movies are castrated down to a PG-13- or worse, a PG!, they’ve got bloated budgets, dumb plotlines, stupid dialog, and best of all: punching, loud noises, explosions, TOTAL SENSORY OVERLOAD. 

For many years I have hated superhero movies and glazed over at Hollywood’s air-horn retreads of movies like Clash of the Titans and Independence Day: Resurgence and the recent Ghost in the Shell mishap. I hate movies like this and I find them at least majorly to blame for the death of the hard R-rated action flick. There are exceptions to the formula, like Mad Max: Fury Road, the 2014 Godzilla, and Dredd, but generally speaking, they’re unwatchable. I will be the first to admit that I’m not a big fan of whimsy, but I will be happy to defend my position on this. Giant blockbuster action movies are generally dumb and boring if you’ve got more than two brain cells to rub together. I do try to balance my feelings about people who like brain-dead, ham-fisted, infantile PG-13 sci-fi action movies with my penchant for unrepentantly trashy, low-brow 70s and 80s exploitation horror films. I know for a fact that there’s a certain segment of cinema elitists who would see my interest in that subgenre as an undeniable sign of being a philistine troglodyte, which slightly tempers my extreme prejudicial judgment of those who love headache cinema. 

I can pick up the hanging thread to unravel this tapestry. It’ll lead you through all of the recent loud crashing DC fiascos and the rainbow of annoying apocalypse and disaster films and CG shitshows. Once you hit the Star Wars prequels, you’re getting close. But the film that started all of this hatred is Luc Besson’s The Fifth Element, easily in my top five most despised films of all time (that’s a list for another day!). 

It feels a little bizarre for me to say that I hate Luc Besson. Léon: The Professional is one of my favorite films of all time, and easily my favorite film of 1994. But aside from that and 1990′s La Femme Nikita, I find Besson wholly intolerable. His movies tend toward obnxious, incomprehensible, overwhelming, anxiety-inducing horse shit. And while many people are happy to agree with me, it seems no one outside of myself is willing to slaughter the sacred cow that is The Fifth Element. Some see a sci-fi fantasy classic, I proffer that it’s a grotesque panacea of ADHD, loud noises and cringey acting. To Besson’s credit, most of the time his films don’t take themselves seriously, and that’s fine. But The Fifth Element is the first film in my memory where I felt literally assaulted and invaded by the unfettered gaudy head-spinning madness of big, loud, overwhelming movies. My level of general calmness could be compared to a that of a frightened rabbit with combat shock, so I try to be cognizant that this dislike has less to do with objective quality and more to do with my personal preferences and tolerance levels. Let’s be real- I’m a person with severe, crippling anxiety. Headache cinema is not made for me. 

That being said, I saw the trailers for Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, and I immediately started getting Vietnam flashbacks of Chris Tucker in a wig and leopard print jumping out of my television and screaming into my face. My significant other has a much more relaxed attitude toward these things and a seemingly endless well of patience for Luc Besson, so I had a feeling I was going to end up seeing this film in theaters and I started mentally preparing for it. And I’m really glad that I did all that emotional gestation, because I found Valerian to be surprisingly tolerable, aside from being a chaotic discombobulation of ideas that all generally have the potential to be good but fail because Luc Besson must have the attention span of a squirrel. And squirrels plant trees because they literally can’t remember where they’ve left their nuts. I couldn’t dream of a better summation of why Luc Besson turns nearly everything he touches into abject shit.

Valerian is essentially a very straight-forward narrative about a couple of federal agents (?) in space (???) who uncover a conspiracy involving a group of displaced aliens. They spend the film unraveling a mystery surrounding an enigmatic void in the middle of a space ship (?) or man-made planet (???) that contains thousands of different species from throughout the universe that live in surprising harmony. The alien refugees and the void on the ship or planet are related, you will later find. 

That’s basically it. It’s a simple storyline with simple elements like “war is bad” and “the powerful oppress the powerless” and “love is universal and always wins.” If you dig down past all of the color and noise and distraction, that’s the basic bedrock. I think I was expecting this movie to be a convoluted mess, and to a great extent it absolutely was. But I wouldn’t say that the story was the weakest part of the film. 

What did some substantial damage was the acting and dialog. The two leads had no chemistry and the actor playing the title character (Dane DeHaan) had a stunning drought of charisma. I think that his opposite, Cara Delevingne, has the potential to be a fun leading lady, but she never had a chance in this movie. The love angle was hackneyed and totally unnecessary to the point that the film would have fared much better if Valerian and Laureline were friends instead of a ~~will they or won’t they???~~ couple. I thought it was insulting to my sensibilities, and that sucks since the romance thing was such an ingrained aspect of the movie. I couldn’t tell if they were even in a relationship with each other or if Valerian had puppy love and Laureline has simply spent their entire careers fighting off his advances only to reluctantly agree to marry him after the film’s climax. This film could have really used a competent screen writer. I think I even could have lived with some of the eye-rollingly dumb but baseline-acceptable dialog you hear in Disney’s© Marvel™ Avengers Part 2: Electric Boogaloo. The villain (played by Clive Owen) was such a stupid caricature of literally everything that is wrong with Bad Guys in major American cinema- instantly hate-able, predictable, no angle or point of sympathy, stupid rationale for his actions-type of shit. And what’s really frustrating is that the Owen’s villain had a completely rational and utilitarian motive for his actions. But that gets torpedoed by the giant flashing neon signs that say “HE’S THE BAD GUY” and “EVIL PIECE OF SHIT” hanging over his head in every scene he’s featured in. It absolutely felt like the characters were totally empty and needed to be reworked from the ground up. I even thought Rihanna’s character had more depth than either Valerian or Laureline. Valerian’s a by-the-books soldier with a heart of gold? Could have fooled me! Laureline’s a toughgirl with a penchant for violent overreaction but still maintains a balanced moral compass? Hard to see through the horse shit nonsense they wrote for her. Character development and the script were both a total, unmitigated disaster.  

Another thing that I think the film failed at was building tension. Everything felt a little too whimsical and inconsequential. In the beginning, a bus full of mercenaries (?) is attacked by a violent hexapedal alien and Valerian and Laureline watch all of them die savagely with nothing more than a smirking “glad we made it outta that scrape!” reaction. It never really feels like they’re in any danger or that there’s any emotional peak or valley for the characters, with maybe a single, small exception. You watch a lot of people get shot to death and even a head get blown clean off and another cut right in half, but it all seems so cartoonish and trivial that you can’t help but feel like nothing really matters and it’s all just a low-stakes video game. 

But I don’t want to give you the impression that this movie is a complete trainwreck (it tries, believe me). There were things that I liked and appreciated. The visuals and alien designs were inventive and there was never really a moment where you couldn’t get lost in the scene. It kind of felt like Rick and Morty without the nihilism and good writing. Everything was very colorful, the universe felt very inhabited. Around halfway through, Valerian and Laureline have an almost brilliant run in with a species of giant food-obsessed frogs (I actually went through the trouble of looking it up; they’re called Boulan-Bathors) and I found the whole scenario to be kind of charming and cute. I didn’t really mind Rihanna’s cameo. The refugee aliens, the Pearls, were cool and appealing in the same translucent way as the Engineers of Prometheus. While I definitely felt some Avatar vibes, the whole opalescent, iridescent aesthetic was visually pleasing and I really liked the semi-androgynous thing they had going on. 

I think the strongest part of this film is the first several minutes that lays out Earth’s journey into space. It was beautiful and touching and enough to make you feel really depressed about the state of our space exploration programs and the hopelessness and polarization of our world affairs. I would liked to have seen more of a thematic connection to the introduction because it felt extremely dissonant with the rest of the movie, which, by comparison, is hard to feel particularly emotional about. If you’re not planning on seeing Valerian, I would at least recommend watching the first few minutes. If the movie had come full circle to it, you can see how it could have been brilliant. 

Overall, Valerian is kind of a giant mess, and by all means I should have absolutely hated it, because it is textbook headache cinema. I think that there was a wide dearth of missed opportunities with the material, and with a more competent screenwriter, a better cast, and maybe someone else in the director’s seat, we’d be talking about a viable start to a franchise. But too often Valerian ties its own shoelaces together and eats shit and expects us to be engrossed and entertained. The relationship between Valerian and Laureline- both as a friendship, coworkership and romance- either needed to be reengineered from the ground up or scrapped entirely. I think Dane DeHaan was totally wrong for the part of Valerian and I could see this movie succeeding in more ways had someone with more charisma been the leading man. Valerian desperately needed some tension, and the total absence of crisis or consequence left an unbridgeable emotional void. It’s beautiful- but it’s a mess, and that seems to be Luc Besson’s calling card. I doubt we’ll ever see another Léon, but if Besson’s next film is as much of an improvement on Valerian as Valerian was on Lucy, then we might have the potential to see something really special. And maybe in five to eight years when everyone has forgotten about this spectacle, we’ll get a decent reboot for the Valerian material. 

★ ★ ½

#valerian #luc besson #the fifth element #cara delevingne #dane dehaan #clive owen #movies #movie reviews

[mysteryshelf]

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  We’re really excited to be part of Jennifer Chase’s DEAD COLD Blog Tour! 

  Title: DEAD COLD Author: Jennifer Chase Publisher: JEC Press Pages: 326 Genre: Crime Thriller

What happens when one California community has a disturbing spike in homicides? It catapults cops into a deadly game of murder. Frozen human body parts hideously displayed at the crime scenes offers a horrifying interpretation that only a sadistic serial killer could design—and execute.On the hunt for a complex serial killer, vigilante detective Emily Stone must face her most daring case yet. Stone’s proven top-notch profiling skills and forensic expertise may not be enough this time.

Young and ambitious, Detective Danny Starr, catches the homicide cases and discovers that it will test everything he knows about police work and the criminal mind. Can he handle these escalating cases or will the police department have to call in reinforcements—the FBI.

Emily Stone’s covert team pushes with extreme urgency to unravel the grisly clues, while keeping their identities hidden from the police. With one last-ditch effort, Stone dangles someone she loves as bait to draw out the killer. She then forces the killer out of their comfort zone with her partner Rick Lopez, and with help from a longtime friend Jordan Smith. A revelation of the serial killer’s identity leaves the team with volatile emotions that could destroy them.

The killer continues to taunt and expertly manipulate the police, as well as Stone’s team, and as they run out of time—they leave behind everyone and everything—in Dead Cold.

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INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR:

What initially got you interested in writing?

I have always loved books for as long as I can remember. There really is no limit to the types of stories you can write and it’s something that I enjoy.

What genres do you prefer to write in?

I write crime thrillers and love the challenge of writing about police investigations and delving into the minds of psychopaths. However, the horror genre has been nagging at me lately, so that might be a possibility.

Are there any authors you prefer to read and why?

I’m a big fan of authors such as Dean Koontz and Jeffrey Deaver. Every time they have a new book released, I have to make sure that it’s loaded on my Kindle. One of the reasons I love Deaver is the Lincoln Rhyme series. It really made me want to be an author. Koontz has an amazing way that he creates his characters. They are so diverse and interesting.

How did you make the move into being a published author?

I didn’t start out my professional career as a writer. I spent a fair amount of time in the business world, but I never was happy. It was not until I had an experience with a violent sociopath that threatened to kill me for more than two years did I think hard about writing my first novel. You could say it was a shocking inspiration. I made the transition into writing novels and I have never looked back.

What do you find most rewarding about writing?

You can create your own world, even if it’s crime fiction. With my academic background in criminology and police forensics, I can take it and run with it. And, I can work in my PJs if I want to, which is always a plus.

What do you find most challenging about writing?

Promotion and marketing is the most difficult part of being an author. Sometimes it makes me cringe just thinking about it.

Do you have any tips for writers who find themselves experiencing writer’s block?

I actually disagree with this concept; I don’t think there’s any such thing as a writer’s block. If you experience it, it most likely means that you don’t have a complete story and now you’ve become stuck. You need to go back and test your story theory. Outlining helps to alleviate this problem.

What advice would you give to people that want to enter the field?

Do your research about what it takes to publish and market your book to see if you’re really serious about it and willing to stay in it for the long haul. You will have difficulties, and at times, you will need a tough skin, but the rewards are amazing.

What do you want readers to take away from reading your works?

I want readers to experience a rollercoaster ride of their life, from being there right at the crime scenes with the police trying to figure out the crime puzzle and tagging along with the serial killer.

Is there anything else about you that you think readers might find interesting?

In every one of the books in the Emily Stone Thriller Series, I like to include an unusual forensic tidbit that most readers haven’t heard about to make the story a little bit more interesting.

ESCAPE WAS IMPOSSIBLE. TEARS STREAMED down her face as she sat in the darkness and waited for the man to return. There was no other choice—but to wait.

She hadn’t eaten anything in three days and had only a limited amount of water—her strength continued to fade with every hour. With her wrists and ankles secured with duct tape, her skin stung with pain every time she struggled to move. At least the man had peeled the tape from her eyes and mouth so that she could see something besides pitch-blackness.

Even if she could escape, the only way to safety was jumping into the frigid water, but she could not swim and would drown before ever reaching the shore.

The only thing thirteen-year-old Kayla Swanson thought about was home. Fond memories flashed through her mind of her parents, her little brother, and her dog Charlie. She was never going to see them again. Their smiling faces were forever etched in Kayla’s mind, and she constantly held them close to her heart.  

The boat rocked, and seemed to sway more violently as the tide flooded in and out of the harbor. Kayla could hear a consistent clanking noise above her as the boat rolled back and forth. The sound had a hypnotic quality, and kept her mind on something else besides when the man would return and what he would do next. 

Her lips were dry and cracked as she bordered on dehydration. Even her tears dried on her cheeks, leaving her skin stiff and drawn. Her body began to shake, not only from fear, but also because of the extreme exhaustion and the constant dampness all around her.

The boat rocked more, but this time it shifted from the opposite sides. Kayla heard soft footsteps above, which she knew wasn’t her captor’s heavy walk. She strained her eyes in the darkness and thought she saw a thin shadow stealthily move along the upper deck.

Was it a ghost?

Kayla remembered a television series where a team of people hunted ghosts and they had said that ghosts could occupy any type of space, house, property, and even a boat.

She blinked her eyes several times and hoped that she could catch a glimpse of the ghost again. With every ounce of declining strength, Kayla scooted her body closer to the narrow stairs leading to the upper deck.

Painfully craning her neck, she strained to see something up in the darkness.

The dark shadowed areas played tricks on her eyes—it was there, then it wasn’t.

She waited for several minutes.

Nothing appeared.

The only sounds she heard were the usual boat noises she had grown accustomed to hearing. Whatever she thought she heard was gone now. It was most likely her imagination trying to give her some hope and a few moments break from her dire circumstances.

As she relaxed her shoulders and leaned back against the wall, the reality of her world pressing down hard. Tears streamed down her face. She tasted the saltiness that settled around her mouth. Her last moments were approaching, and there was nothing she could do.

Jennifer Chase is a multi award-winning crime fiction author and consulting criminologist. Jennifer holds a bachelor degree in police forensics and a master’s degree in criminology & criminal justice. These academic pursuits developed out of her curiosity about the criminal mind as well as from her own experience with a violent sociopath, providing Jennifer with deep personal investment in every story she tells. In addition, she holds certifications in serial crime and criminal profiling.  She is an affiliate member of the International Association of Forensic Criminologists.

Her latest book is the crime thriller, Dead Cold.

WEBSITE & SOCIAL LINKS:

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  BLOG TOUR – Dead Cold was originally published on the Wordpress version of The Pulp and Mystery Shelf with Shannon Muir

#shannon muir #pulp and mystery shelf

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September TBR

Lady Midnight, Cassandra Clare - In a secret world where half-angel warriors are sworn to fight demons, parabatai is a sacred word. A parabatai is your partner in battle. A parabatai is your best friend. Parabatai can be everything to each other—but they can never fall in love. Emma Carstairs is a warrior, a Shadowhunter, and the best in her generation. She lives for battle. Shoulder to shoulder with her parabatai, Julian Blackthorn, she patrols the streets of Los Angeles, where vampires party on the Sunset Strip, and faeries—the most powerful of supernatural creatures—teeter on the edge of open war with Shadowhunters. When the bodies of humans and faeries turn up murdered in the same way Emma’s parents were when she was a child, an uneasy alliance is formed. This is Emma’s chance for revenge—and Julian’s chance to get back his brother Mark, who is being held prisoner by the faerie Courts. All Emma, Mark, and Julian have to do is solve the murders within two weeks…and before the murderer targets them. Their search takes Emma from sea caves full of sorcery to a dark lottery where death is dispensed. And each clue she unravels uncovers more secrets. What has Julian been hiding from her all these years? Why does Shadowhunter Law forbid parabatai to fall in love? Who really killed her parents—and can she bear to know the truth?

The 5th Wave (Reread), Rick Yancey - After the 1st wave, only darkness remains. After the 2nd, only the lucky escape. And after the 3rd, only the unlucky survive. After the 4th wave, only one rule applies: trust no one. Now, it's the dawn of the 5th wave, and on a lonely stretch of highway, Cassie runs from Them. The beings who only look human, who roam the countryside killing anyone they see. Who have scattered Earth's last survivors. To stay alone is to stay alive, Cassie believes, until she meets Evan Walker. Beguiling and mysterious, Evan Walker may be Cassie's only hope for rescuing her brother-or even saving herself. But Cassie must choose: between trust and despair, between defiance and surrender, between life and death. To give up or to get up.

Crooked Kingdom, Leigh Bardugo - After pulling off a seemingly impossible heist in the notorious Ice Court, criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker feels unstoppable. But life is about to take a dangerous turn—and with friends who are among the deadliest outcasts in Ketterdam city, Kaz is going to need more than luck to survive in this unforgiving underworld

Scarlet, Marissa Meyer - Cinder, the cyborg mechanic, returns in the second thrilling installment of the bestselling Lunar Chronicles. She’s trying to break out of prison—even though if she succeeds, she’ll be the Commonwealth’s most wanted fugitive. Halfway around the world, Scarlet Benoit’s grandmother is missing. When Scarlet encounters Wolf, a street fighter who may have information as to her grandmother’s whereabouts, she is loath to trust this stranger, but is inexplicably drawn to him, and he to her. As Scarlet and Wolf unravel one mystery, they encounter another when they meet Cinder. Now, all of them must stay one step ahead of the vicious Lunar Queen Levana, who will do anything for the handsome Prince Kai to become her husband, her king, her prisoner. 

The Book Thief, Markus Zusak - Set during World War II in Germany, Markus Zusak’s groundbreaking new novel is the story of Liesel Meminger, a foster girl living outside of Munich. Liesel scratches out a meager existence for herself by stealing when she encounters something she can’t resist – books. With the help of her accordion-playing foster father, she learns to read and shares her stolen books with her neighbors during bombing raids as well as with the Jewish man hidden in her basement before he is marched to Dachau.

The Last Star, Rick Yancey - The enemy is Other. The enemy is us. They’re down here, they’re up there, they’re nowhere. They want the Earth, they want us to have it. They came to wipe us out, they came to save us. But beneath these riddles lies one truth: Cassie has been betrayed. So has Ringer. Zombie. Nugget. And all 7.5 billion people who used to live on our planet. Betrayed first by the Others, and now by ourselves. In these last days, Earth’s remaining survivors will need to decide what’s more important: saving themselves…or saving what makes us human.

They Both Die at the End, Adam Silvera - On September 5, a little after midnight, Death-Cast calls Mateo Torrez and Rufus Emeterio to give them some bad news: They're going to die today. Mateo and Rufus are total strangers, but, for different reasons, they're both looking to make a new friend on their End Day. The good news: There's an app for that. It's called the Last Friend, and through it, Rufus and Mateo are about to meet up for one last great adventure and to live a lifetime in a single day.

Fifty Shades Darker, E. L. James - Daunted by the singular sexual tastes and dark secrets of the beautiful, tormented young entrepreneur Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele has broken off their relationship to start a new career with a Seattle publishing house. But desire for Christian still dominates her every waking thought, and when he proposes a new arrangement, Anastasia cannot resist. They rekindle their searing sensual affair, and Anastasia learns more about the harrowing past of her damaged, driven, and demanding Fifty Shades. While Christian wrestles with his inner demons, Anastasia must confront her anger and envy of the women who came before her and make the most important decision of her life.

Thirteen Reasons Why, Jay Asher - Clay Jensen returns home from school to find a strange package with his name on it lying on his porch. Inside he discovers several cassette tapes recorded by Hannah Baker–his classmate and crush–who committed suicide two weeks earlier. Hannah’s voice tells him that there are thirteen reasons why she decided to end her life. Clay is one of them. If he listens, he’ll find out why. Clay spends the night crisscrossing his town with Hannah as his guide. He becomes a firsthand witness to Hannah’s pain, and as he follows Hannah’s recorded words throughout his town, what he discovers changes his life forever.

Misdemeanor, C.F. White - Life isn’t always responsible. After his mother tragically dies and his deadbeat father goes off the rails, nineteen-year-old Micky is left to care for his disabled little brother, Flynn. Juggling college, a dead-end job and Flynn’s special needs means Micky has to put his bad-boy past behind him and be the responsible adult to keep his brother out of care. He doesn’t have time for anything else in his life. Until he meets Dan…

All the Light We Cannot See, Anthony Doerr - Marie-Laure lives with her father in Paris near the Museum of Natural History, where he works as the master of its thousands of locks. When she is six, Marie-Laure goes blind and her father builds a perfect miniature of their neighborhood so she can memorize it by touch and navigate her way home. When she is twelve, the Nazis occupy Paris and father and daughter flee to the walled citadel of Saint-Malo, where Marie-Laure’s reclusive great-uncle lives in a tall house by the sea. With them they carry what might be the museum’s most valuable and dangerous jewel. In a mining town in Germany, the orphan Werner grows up with his younger sister, enchanted by a crude radio they find. Werner becomes an expert at building and fixing these crucial new instruments, a talent that wins him a place at a brutal academy for Hitler Youth, then a special assignment to track the resistance. More and more aware of the human cost of his intelligence, Werner travels through the heart of the war and, finally, into Saint-Malo, where his story and Marie-Laure’s converge.

Fangirl, Rainbow Rowell - Cath is a Simon Snow fan. Okay, the whole world is a Simon Snow fan… But for Cath, being a fan is her life—and she’s really good at it. She and her twin sister, Wren, ensconced themselves in the Simon Snow series when they were just kids; it’s what got them through their mother leaving. Reading. Rereading. Hanging out in Simon Snow forums, writing Simon Snow fan fiction, dressing up like the characters for every movie premiere. Cath’s sister has mostly grown away from fandom, but Cath can’t let go. She doesn’t want to. Now that they’re going to college, Wren has told Cath she doesn’t want to be roommates. Cath is on her own, completely outside of her comfort zone. She’s got a surly roommate with a charming, always-around boyfriend, a fiction-writing professor who thinks fan fiction is the end of the civilized world, a handsome classmate who only wants to talk about words… And she can’t stop worrying about her dad, who’s loving and fragile and has never really been alone. For Cath, the question is: Can she do this? Can she make it without Wren holding her hand? Is she ready to start living her own life? Writing her own stories?

The Fault in Our Stars, John Green - Despite the tumor-shrinking medical miracle that has bought her a few years, Hazel has never been anything but terminal, her final chapter inscribed upon diagnosis. But when a gorgeous plot twist named Augustus Waters suddenly appears at Cancer Kid Support Group, Hazel’s story is about to be completely rewritten.

On my last TBR I also had the Maze Runner and The Immortal Rules listed down, but I don’t own a copy of the second book (I borrowed it from the library) and just ended up not reading it. The Maze Runner I ended up DNFing. I also read The Fault in Our Stars and Fangirl, but I forgot to write a small review for both of these and I want to reread them so that this time I will write one.

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