#i don't know a lot about biology and i am just having fun tbh. anyway tyschura thrives in high altitudes and can navigate | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sapphorror · 5 months

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Now that you have read the ZimVoid arc, what are your toughts on Zib and Za2r (Zib❤Zim2[2im{twoim}])?

I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED!!! alright, maybe I was definitely going to say this all anyway, but now I have a decent excuse to braindump it all at once instead of trying to write, I don't know, coherent analysis.

Yeah, I'm obsessed with this guy. I'm still only just starting to build a proper 3D model of him in my head, so don't take anything I rave about here too seriously, but my god is Zib something else. Also, really cute. No one told me he'd be cute and I wasn't at all equipped to deal with what I got. I was operating under the assumption he was going to be at least a LITTLE cool, but this is the most pathetic wet meow meow of a character I have ever seen, and that is no small statement.

(Also also, is it just me, or does the way Zib's drawn remind anyone else of rubber hose animation like, moreso than the comics artstyle generally does? I can't quite pin down what's making it feel that way, but I like it. Gives him Vibes™, y'know?)

Anyway. Fusions like Zib are always going to be fun, just for what they imply about their component characters and the game of trying to identify what characteristics come from where. And Zib is especially fun for this because Zim and Dib are such similar people to begin with. It honestly doesn't surprise me that the Zimfluence went initially unnoticed by our Dib, not just because he's more prone to cognitive bias than he likes to believe, but because there are so many overlapping traits between these two guys that Zib wasn't so much altered by the fusion as he was exacerbated. They blend seamlessly to the point it's really hard to pick out where one ends and the other begins, and in a different kind of story, Dib might actually be forced to reflect on what that implies about him and his motivations. As is, he's just going to keep fooling himself, though.

Probably the most obvious dichotomy between them, at least where it applies to Zib, is motive, and that definitely brings up some interesting questions. When he chooses to take over the Earth, is that the Zim side disguised by Dib-passing justifications, or does it say a whole lot more about Dib's actual loyalty to the Earth against his loyalty to opposing Zim than anyone would really like it to? How about the total lack of internal conflict when it comes to decimating the Armada and wrecking the Irken Empire? What does that say about Zim's ultimate loyalties?

Granted, I am at this point pretty certain Zib didn't just put on the PAK and call it a day, I think he took precautionary measures to ensure that the Dib half remained the 'dominant' personality, given that in 10 Minutes to Doom we see him completely subsumed by Zim's coding, so this isn't a perfect equal split. But it is still a split—Zib clearly did not have the foresight to account for everything, if he even wanted to—and the fact he prepared himself for this is itself interesting, because it means the decision was premeditated, not done on a whim during some momentary mental break. This might even be why he's half-Irken; instead of the PAK altering his biology, maybe Zib altered his biology so it could survive the long-term integration of the PAK. And isn't it just insane to imagine any version of Dib willingly body-horroring himself like that, stripping away his own humanity? When he accused our Dib of being just another ignorant human, could that maybe be a sign that he didn't want to have anything in common with those people anymore?

None of this is what really gets me about Zib, though. This is.

Admittedly, I'm sort of predisposed here, because I have this whole Thing about Dib's unfaltering belief he can somehow prove himself to humanity, despite all evidence to the contrary, being in essence identical to Zim's delusion that he's already adored by all... that's it's whole own post, tbh, but my point is Dib's ostracization wouldn't be solved by exposing Zim, and it's fun to see that explicitly confirmed.

But it's also more specific than that. Because what Zib was forced to realize here is that he destroyed the only person capable of actually caring about him. And that's why the Zimvoid is the Zimvoid, isn't it? Zib could've used those portals to escape anywhere or lure in anything, but instead he does this. Part of that's the obsessive need to succeed where he'd previously failed and decimate the Armada (+ repeatedly 'defeat' Zim because he's still too emotionally stunted to understand that's not actually what he needs), and I think all of that is important, but there's also something to be said about how deeply driven Dib is by the desire for external validation, and here he went and fused himself with the one person in the universe who might be even more love-hungry than he is. Zib's not afraid of being alone simply because he dislikes isolation—I mean, even within the Zimvoid, he still physically and ESPECIALLY emotionally isolates himself from the other Zims. Being the only person left in his reality means there's no one to admire his greatness, and given who he's a combination of, of course that's his worst nightmare. And ridiculous as it may be, he understands that Zim is the only person who's ever given him that kind of attention. So why not make a whole planet of them? Why not trick them into idolizing him? I mean, who else could even matter besides Zim?

Also? This one's sort of auxiliary to the last point, but there is something deeply, deeply sexy and thematically chewy in Dib wanting/needing Zim so badly that he quite literally became him, and that not being enough. I mean, what is the Zimvoid but a huge collector's display? And it's exactly this that makes him the architect of his own ultimate tragedy. I have a thing for characters who damn themselves not through any single choice, but by passing up a million little opportunities to save themselves, totally confident in their decisions right up til the moment it actually is too late. He could've used those portals to escape to another timeline. He could've designed the Zimvoid as anything other than a ticking timebomb of lies, conflict, and an ever inflating population of lunatics. He could've given up on his destructive plans and just enjoyed the huge fucked up harem he built for himself. He could've quit while he was ahead.

And the really funny thing is, even after the collapse of the Zimvoid, his total isolation is still a consequence of his own actions. I mean, the Zim from his own timeline literally cannot be taken away from him through any method short of murder. He's still right there. But by winning, by possessing his Zim to the point of consumption, Zib defeated the entire purpose of having Zim in the first place. They'll never be separated, and that's exactly the reason why he'll always be alone.

As for ZA2R... hm. I'm not sure if I have much to say about them just yet, but suffice to say I am Deeply Compelled. I'm always weak for that (false) god x worshipper dynamic. It's about someone as lonely and broken and closed off as Zib finding out the hard way that they're still capable of genuine love, no matter how bad they are at it, and there's something very special in every Zim's desire to be someone's favorite being so specifically exploited. I mean, the dynamic of highest subordinate is essentially identical to the one Zim likes to imagine he has with the Tallest, only actually real. Dishonest and exploitative, to be sure, but still real. And hey, important question, but what about #2's personal Dib and the fact Zib is always going to be implicitly competing against the person actually cosmically destined for his partner, because he fucked his own cosmic destiny up so badly? Or the inevitable spectacle of Dib's semi-latent yandere tendencies being brought to bear against himself?

Also! Shameless Homestuck chatter, but I take so much joy in pale ZADR dynamics (black diamond romance my beloved), and the fun thing about ZA2R is that their default pacifier/pacified dynamic swaps. In, uh, normal person terms, they've managed to contrive themselves a situation in which Zim is actually the comparatively sane/stable one, keyword comparatively, and being worked to death about it. There's nothing I love more than a justified role reversal, y'know?

THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT FOR NOW but like I've been thinking about these guys nonstop for 24 hours already, I WILL be losing my mind about them again. I don't know when, I don't know how, but it's gonna happen.

#invader zim #zib #za2r #zadr #zadp #za2p #meta #my meta #saph reads #iz posting #asks

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lucky-starling · 9 months

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So, I was quite stupid in high school.

That's not true. A lot of the people I know say I'm really smart. I have certain, specific topics that I am really, really good at. I got like 95%-100%s on every test I *actually* studied for.

But I graduated high school with a 1.7 GPA.

I mean at least I graduated?

I was... going through a lot in high school. (I truly don't think I'll even feel sad whenever my dad does die.) It's not just that I was sad. We were poor, and i wasn't getting enough food. I was also disillusioned because he kept telling me school didn't matter and was fascist or whatever, and scared of the world he was leading me to believe laid beyond childhood, full of satanic cannibals and pedophiles. I also just could not pay attention. I dont know why. It never clicked with me that I should. Not that I was *supposed to*, I understood that, I just never saw a reason *why I should*. It didn't interest me.

I guess when I list shit out like that, it makes me feel better that I am as functioning now as I am.

Anyway. I spent all of my classes sleeping (and spent every night binging TV until 4am), socializing, or making up little stories in my head and doodling. I learned very little.

Now I'm 25, and... I want to see what I missed! In my adulthood (and newfound stability), I want to learn! I don't really have an objective, like, a college or career path, I just Want. To. Know!!! For myself! For fun?

So I am!

I didn't know where to start... probably the 4 core subjects is my best bet? There's nothing I want to specialize in..I. yet! Maybe something will grab my interest!

I've got some textbooks. I've got The Penguin History of The World, Openstax's ap Biology (I probably retained enough to start with ap at 26, haha...), The Art of Problem Solving's Algebra 1, and... no English (I was always pretty good with English)... but I've got some open source Spanish 1 text book, which I've already gotten a decent way through! (¡Puedo comer vidrio, no me hace daño!

Then I'll branch out to more specific parts of history, like certain times or countries, Geometry, Algebra 2, eventually Calculus (which I don't think I ever even took? The state I went to HS in is 49th in Education....), and introductory chemistry and physics.

And then I'll teach myself college level things!

I'll also probably delve into things like psychology, philosophy, sociology... I love, y'know, *people*.

Of course, this is very embarrassing. Two days ago, my boyfriend taught me how to multiply and divide fractions by canceling. I'm 25. That's, like, mortifying to admit.

But at least I'm doin' something about it instead of never admitting it and then continuing to not know forever!

Grifjejf. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch but. I'm really looking forward to this journey tbh. Learning is fun to me now! I want knowledge. Yay.

#murmurs

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velvetsands · 2 years

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updates

three whole days in new york was a lot of fun

i bet i could do some serious damage in that city if i lived there lol

catching the subway at 11pm with a teenager both fresh off the plane all the way from jfk to hoboken not knowing i could have died?

sights seen: brooklyn bridge, flatiron, statue of liberty, wall street, stock exchange, one world trade centre, saks fifth avenue, central park, the met (briefly), the friends apartment

saw an influencer shooting onlyfans content completely nude in central park

saw the yankees win at home with two home runs with amazing bars pre and post

rounded the corner from the friends apartment, found myself in a pride parade and then kesha was randomly performing???

saw moulin rouge on broadway, then cash took me to times square

where we stumbled into the wade vs roe street protests -- insane

made friends with the girl beside me during the yankees game, she scored me reservations to peak and crown shy

learnt how to do coke the "new yorker way"

partied until 6am before dragging my sorry ass across state lines watching state of origin updates was definitely novel

hailed a taxi which was cool

probably walked ~45-50km in total just because

ate bagels, pizza, catalogued all the names they called me at starbucks, fell in love with chick-fil-a and brown sugar floats at dunkin' donuts

then caught a plane to boston (mistake, should have caught the train) and i thought i was going to andover, ma BUT NO i was going to andover, nh

turns out the conference was at some elite boarding academy in the middle of rural new hampshire and actually.... turns out it wasn't my field at all (they were chemistry, i am biology and the intersection is small believe it or not)

i was disrespected so many times and at one point, one of the giants in the field told me to "shut up" and i gave it back to him bc guess what... he's a nobody in MY field.

the conference for the most part sucked, my talk was given to someone else bc i wasn't "senior enough" when in reality it's actually all MY data like what..... i know that data better than my own boss tbh

the chairs wanna talk about empowering grad students during every lecture session blah blah blah but then the one real opportunity to do just that presents itself and they knocked me back

i asked (read: begged three times) them to give me a slot and it was fucking humilating -- nobody in my own country cares about copper, i go to the once place people care about copper, and my work falls on deaf ears

anyway i ended up making a bunch of new friends, came up with a new experimental technique i think will be of major interest and managed to squeeze a hike and a wine tour so all was not lost

i feel like this was reaaaaallly good practice for spain where i will be talking in only a couple of weeks (#girlboss) where people will be in my field and hopefully appreciate my work!!!!!!!!

went back to boston and visited harvard... very very cool. would love to have spent some more time but just needed to get home so booked flights 24h earlier to buy some time in sydney lol

fact: human bodies aren't meant to hurtle at 1000kph for 23h across the world

so even though flying premium+ economy was fantastic

i don't reckon i could do that to myself more than once a year which really raises questions about a future postdoc in the US

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yourultraarchive · 3 years

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Oh, no no it's not an issue at all! I don't mind it's alright! Focus and take care of yourself first and foremost! :>

And yes! I'll be doing her template once I actually find the time to draw her in her outfit and also for the mini scenes! Also I've actually ended up changing her name to Yaren instead since I was told by some people that Yuren sounded like another english word for something else (unfortunate :'D), I don't think that should change the kanji all that much but ahh I'm unsure.

Anyway sorry for the very long blabber, I did want to say what Yaren's quirk is! Her hero name is a WIP between Waterdog, Waterpuppy, Lottie or something else entirely.

Her quirk is called Axolotl, which gives her the humanoid appearance of an axolotl and is able to do anything an axolotl can do. Having gills to breathe underwater, but also lungs to live on land, a tail to swim really fast and also incredibly fast regeneration! She's usually better suited to fight underwater. She can heal almost any part of her body, minor cuts, severed limbs and even internal organs and brain! The latter however take days to weeks to heal, everything else can take seconds or minutes depending how much blood she's willing to lose to heal quicker.

Drawbacks however include her skin being irritable and sore if she's not in water long enough so she carries a water spray to help deal with it if it starts getting sore, she's very sensitive to toxins and pollution and if she overdoes her regeneration she'll get permanent scars on those areas and will be harder to heal properly next time. Plus if she overdoes it in any part of her body, she can lose too much blood and become paralyzed or pass out from blood loss.

Extra tid bits include how her skin is naturally a light pink but if she's in water long enough it turns darker and black like a wild axolotl which helps with camouflage and much much later probably in second year or third, she finds out her saliva or blood has regenerative abilities on others if they consume it or if it's placed on a wound!

I am so so sorry that was incredibly long, her quirk is pretty detailed as I've thought and researched about it a lot! I do have issue with trying to find a way to make her able to battle, and the only idea I got is that when she gets injured she can force her body to react to it to have an adrenaline rush which makes her strong enough for a while. That and also in water, due to her high speed and better suited environment she's able to sneakily attack enemies with quick powerful punches or kicks added to her quick swim speed! Thank you for reading and I am so sorry it's so long, please please don't rush yourself replying to this! As I said take care of yourself and thank you for your help! :D

Hi!

Sorry for the late reply again! (Life is busy.)

Yeah I didn't realize the english word thing either. But like I said in my original post, there are other readings to use, or the option of rearranging the name. ("ya", like has been mentioned before, is not a reading for that kanji, so it'd be a kirakira reading if anything. Unlike in English, changing one letter of a name to make it more unique doesn't work the same way in Japanese since it changes the meaning entirely in normal cases.) One of my previous suggestions in the first post were "Yujin/Yuzin" because the kanji for "ren" could be read that way in Japanese (as previously mentioned, "ren" is not a Japanese reading, but a Chinese one), but if you're set on using "ren" you could always rearrange it to "Renyu", or use the other readings for the "yu" kanji and make "Renie" or "Reniya" or something. Or you could still change "ren" and get "Jinie" or "Jiniya" or "Jinyu", among other things.

As for the quirk, it's already really well-thought-out and thorough! I don't know if you actually need to expand on it because that's already a lot of skills (I like the bit about the camouflage, and the later-in-school-years leaning how to heal others). I think it's a careful balance between being realistic and being overpowered (which can lead to potential mary-sue moments if you're being wary about that, but it's your character and if you have fun with it you can do whatever you want--besides, in canon Izuku's got that going on himself lol). You don't really need the bit about "when she's injured she can force her blood to give her an adrenaline rush and make her super strong", that feels like too much tbh.

I think the thing about trying to give her quirk so many applications is that you're trying to wield her powers over too many fields. You want her to be a battler but also good at sneaking/surprise attack tactics but also good at rescue (which is what I thought her powers would fit! Being good at being underwater and also healing? Rescuing people seems perfect for her!) but there IS such as thing as being spread too thin. Even in-universe or in-story or wherever you're planning to use her, if you have her try to do EVERYTHING, realistically she's going to burn out. It's good to have ambition, but even most characters in MHA don't have that many focuses.

I forget which characters canonically have certain career goals, but I know for certain there are several characters whose quirks and personalities are geared more toward being disaster/rescue heroes (like the Wild Wild Pussycats) or support heroes (like Nighteye) than toward reaction/responsive heroes (like All Might) or stealth heroes (like Eraserhead, but I think his type of hero work is also arguable and fits under multiple umbrellas). It's like in the very first arc where there's a bunch of heroes standing around not helping Bakugou when he was caught in that slimy villain because they knew their quirks weren't suited to that situation--it's not cowardly, but it's realistic, when they know their quirks can do more harm than good in certain situations, even if they wanted to help.

I think that's what applies here, with your character. Yes, I understand wanting her to be able to adapt to any situation, but I think there's a point where you have to give her a goal and set her toward it. Does she want to be on the frontline reacting to villain attacks as they come and going out to apprehend them first-hand, or does she want to pre-emptively stop villains before they can rise by doing investigation and stealth work, or does she want to use her incredibly fit biology to help others when disaster strikes and there's no villain involved at all? Sure she can have ambition like Bakugou or Izuku who want to be the best #1 hero, but even they have their focuses (both are reactive striker types!) and while Izuku is adaptive (ie. he's strategic and well-prepared for a raid strike to surprise attack the base Nighteye found, or he rescued people stuck under buildings and whatnot during that exam and had good "bedside manner" for lack of a better term when dealing with rescuees) most of his actual quirk training has gone toward being brute force and quick response toward emergencies and villainous plots.

You can have her be strong but also give her vulnerabilities and that's okay. Like giving her the regeneration powers but also making them necessary because her skin or bone structure is weak like a real axolotl's, which would make her not very suited to brute force situations but that's fine because if she were perfect for speed and stealth and also brute force then it wouldn't give room for conflict or growth in your story. Forcing her to work around her weaknesses is one of those things that could make her stronger--make her more aware of herself or her surroundings or her limits or what she's willing to sacrifice (like Izuku in the entrance exam--can she afford to break her bones if it meant saving someone?) but it doesn't make the weaknesses go away, and working past those weaknesses isn't going to invalidate that they exist. She's not going to win every time--that would be boring wouldn't it?--and you need to give her ways to lose as well as ways she can triumph.

(A good example of this, and this is the first thing that popped into my mind even though it's not MHA, is Edward Elric from FMA. He's the main character so of course he wins a lot and he's tough and cool and seems like he's so strong. But the most prominent moments in the story are when his prosthetic arm/leg don't work, or he loses them, and he still fights but he's disabled but he's fully aware of this, and having abilities to work through the fights when he's missing an arm doesn't mean he's forgotten that he's missing an arm or that he never needed it to win. It means he found a way to work around those weaknesses and still achieve his goal.)

I kinda lost track of the original question/thought here, but to round back to it--when your character is injured, the adrenaline rush to fight longer or get to safety? That should be all her, that's character traits and determination and strength of will, not part of her quirk. She doesn't need some superpowered adrenaline rush to be part of her quirk, and you don't need to make her "able to battle" if she's not suited for it, unless that's one of her goals (while foregoing the other potentials her powers have--if she's aiming to fight villains face to face, then she's probably not focused on rescuing people or rounding around for a sneak attack, and in that kind of situation she should leave that up to real rescue/response heroes while she's playing distraction and keeping the villains' focus on her!) and if being able to battle ISN'T her main focus, then in a situation where she HAS to, you can make her struggle and that just makes her all the more real and interesting. You can make her get help from her classmates, or you can make her fight and lose and realize she's not suited for battle and switch focus (if it was her original focus) or realize she needs a plan to deal with that in the future while still staying true to her actual goal (if she wanted to focus on rescue for example, and she had to fight a front-line battle and she realizes she's not great at it, then maybe her strategy can just be to run and get a strike in here or there but the ultimate goal is to wait for help and backup to arrive in that case).

That was a lot so I hope it was useful and not too rambly but remember that these are just suggestions! I was just talking ^_^;;

#leafychaotic #asks #replies #archivist #(not directed at you but) general reminder that if you like getting my help please consider donating! thanks <3

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scorpiosanssexy · 4 years

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Hi:) Can I have a roommate matchup?? I'm an INFP Libra, Ennegram type 6, Ravenclaw, I mostly kin with Akaashi and Kenma bcs I'm the quiet introverted type. I like a lot of animes, but mostly kny, bsd and Dr. Stone!! I hate math and physics, love chem and bio though. I mostly don't talk a lot till you get on some level of friendship with me, and even then sometimes I might close up, but I'm usually the mom friend type, might make you cute gifts bcs I love crafts:))

(contd.) I mostly wake up at around 7, I might wake up earlier if I have to!! I love cooking, even if I can make only some basics...I'm good at baking, though!! I don't really have friends over, and would probably go out for a walk or something if my roommate brought someone over...I haven't played much sports, but would totally go out of my way to support someone who does!! I don't have any notable allergies, i guess.. My anime crush is either Semi or Taichi, i love them both

----

Dear User,

congratulations, we have found you a potential roommate. We have throughly looked through your application and we hope you are happy with your result. Below this post are the details about them

Yours Sincerely

The Accomodation Team

Name: Kuroo Tetsurou

Birhtday: 17th November (Scorpio)

MBTI: ENTP

kuroo doesn’t mind that you are slightly introverted at all, he adopts them all

also he is a felllow ravenclaw too ( so am i) and you too love to discuss all of your ideas and daydreams together on the sofa in the evening

He is very good at striking up conversations so it is never awkward when you guys are at home

Now I feel like Kuroo would be into the same animes as you are

like this man is a chemistry nerd do not tell me he doesn’t watch dr stone

so sometimes you him (maybe kenma some days) would sit in all day and binge your favourite shows

now this only would take place on a rainy day as kuroo says it is important to get that vitamin C

but still, you guys would order takeout and it would be so peaceful (carla is now very jealous)

Now you have hit the jack pot when it comes to loving Biology and Chemistry here

You and kuroo always love to talk about these subjects in great detail and often give each pointers in regard to lab work

you also bitch about your lab partners too

also, you help him come up with chemistry pick up lines

sometimes you now have to tutor Bokuto too

he tutors you in maths and physics, your study dates are so cute, like if you get a question right that means he has to some extra chore however if you get a question wrong you have to some of his chores

you get the picture

(girl I hated maths and physics too, I know the feeling)

Now Kuroo really loves your motherly tendancies

so does akaashi tbh

Like i feel like he is always looking out for others but doesn’t recieve that same energy back, so whenever you look out for him by either making his lunch or just a simple hug I feel that Kuroo just feels 10 times happier

also i need a mum friend because i am baby

Don’t even get me started on your cute crafts that you make

Like for his birthday you gave Kuroo one of your creations and not gonna lie he teared up a little bit

like you made that from the heart and you took the time to make it just for him

precious

anyway now bokuto is demanding you make him stuff like that too

speaking of bokuto as well, when akaashi is at his teather with him this man child is dropped of at your place where you kuroo and bokuto would have an arts and crafts afternoons.

well you would be the only one actually making anything

kuroo and bokuto probably started a glue fight

its is great that you are an early bird because this rooster head would never get up

he is a heavy sleeper

there was one time you snapped some pictures of kuroo asleep and threatened him that you would send it to the gym 3 boys if he didn’t come out of bed

you have never a man move so fast in your life

anyway, i feel like kuroo can cook but like very basic meals, most of the time he can’t really be bothered

so you are probably the better cook and himself (and bokuto) worship the ground you walk on

he loves it when you bake as well, he isn’t a sweet tooth per se but i know that kenma is so he has kenma ready to eat all of your goods

At first when he had the gym 3 squad over and you went for a walk he felt like a terrible human being

so the next time he invites them round he wants to introduce you to them

you and akaashi really hit it off, mother friend tings

the pair of you are the cooks for the crew

at first you were a bit scared of Bokuto but now really love him

he constantly gasses you up about anything, how amazing your cooking is or how talented you are at arts and crafts

tsukki was the hardest to get to know but thanks to your amazing interlect you too discussed a lot about biology (he taught you some stuff about dinos)

anyway, you try and come to watch kuroo every game and you make these really cute posters which he loves

also he has tried to teach you some volleyball as well, and you guys play together just for fun

overall you have a intelligent, outgoing but a slightly cocky roommate

Other Potential Matches: Bokuto Koutarou and Tendou Satori

sorry i went a little off track there, I hope you liked this and thank you for your patience

#haikyuu matchup #haikyuu roommate #haikyuu roommate matchup #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo x reader #kuroo fluff #home is where the heart is

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sofiathebirb · 4 years

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Day 12 - More text to a god of text!

Day 12 09.09.2020 Wednesday

I went sleep around 0:30

I have a dream when everything is fading in the dark and I just walk to nowhere until I lay down and go to sleep, then I wake up.

I woke up in 6:54 or so

9:15 I think I just have PTSD and something with it ah and not autism... that's goo-.. wait...

I'm shaking...

9:38 I think I lived well... And I don't have PTSD, I'm actually fine, I'm just weird, and crazy, and stupid as people say...` When I'm trying to act like a normal human in fact I'm acting odd even more, so..

10:02 I will go to school almost right now, I feel bad. Did I notice that my mom screamed at me before she went to work? Now you know.

*notebook writings*

10:19 I'm in school I thought I were late

10:57 Phew... I just wrote test on biology lesson, I thought it would be different, at least I hope I'll get a grade 4 or something. (we have a 5 grade system, ok?).

11:28 Ah... it's so hot here and it's just for me? it's because I'm nervous? but...

11:34 Ah... there is a noise that sounds like I'm in a hair salon.. I meant.. Why there is blank timestamps sometimes? I got distracted and then I forgot. It's odd, because I don't have ADHD. I can focus, so huh... it's weird because I can remember a lot,but...

I don't have PTSD because in fact dreams when I'm alone in places that I hate are nice, because everything is slightly different and there is no one there, so this place where I lived before actually gives me a good feeling somehow.. so.... AHA! I'm just a crazy weirdo because I don't have this ?? (it?) (her?) (I wasn't able to figure out what I wrote there). I have various symptoms, but there is always something that makes me confused.

Fun fact: because on the internet I seem normal when I'm trying to act like a "normal" human.. Ah.. I'm weird... interesting... HMM... What if I don't have a panic attack? what if this is just how I feel for always... I can't have PTSD because I have had some symptoms since I was a child.

12:10 Ah. Someone walked in class and asked for two girls and one boy from the teacher specially class. And ah I didn't know what is going on and why I should do they said Кирилл go to them, he said, well how about Artem (me), Whole class start to laugh like haha he is a girl (but I'm :d) (edit: I forgot to notice that I don't sure how it happened, but people start laughing like that, but how it happend, I don't sure) and a lot of transphobic things (and transphobic jokes) then someone said what about Боротов (I don't know his name... Yeah I still don't know their names) that we have another boy in teacher class and the whole class starts to laugh even lougher. Кирилл said as a joke "Hey, you should go, you look more manly than us" (ah, lol, it's true). Everything was odd (feels like in fog, but...) , everything was bright and loud (too much sounds!), I had no Idea what was going on. Anyways I stayed in class (Also I had to explain. We have two classes that were splitted in one class so sometimes people call our class 11 "АУ" when normally there should be only one letter for an example 11 "А")

I wonder why people are so transphobic and homophobic because we (me and Кирилл) Immediadly claimed as gays (why?)... but hey gender is not orentation...

When something unplanned happens I really don't like that , sometimes, when it's also according to me I just get lost in many things. Example: people tell me to choose something, but it's insanely hard for me. I will get lost and lose the ability to speak or just will not be able to answer this, or when people speak directly to me I can get lost and also can't speak. I'm not shy when it's happening so Idk what is this.

(Like people from internet thinks, (they think I'm just shy) it's happening even in my family, but slightly lighter (I don't sure tbh, maybe the same) ( other relative is 100% not lighter))

13:18 So booooring! I'm in school and idk what to do. I don't have a working smartphone. Hah, I don't saw this symptom anywhere so idk is this normal, but very often, randomly everything feel very fast like two times, but in fact It's more seems like If I have two times more frames per second, sometimes there is some sort of a trail from moving objects and it's very often adding to that (fog? sensory overload? whatever is this?). It's not always come with that "fog" (Or maybe it comes, but with a lighter version, I don't sure), but very often, I really think that it's isn't normal. I have had this for my whole life and it doesn't get weaker but get more stronger (If compare to sounds and light and etc).

When I will be home... no I don't wanna check, I don't need a false diagnosis (self diagnose) anymore!

Also I still have no Idea what a diary should look like. I should write every step, everything I saw in detail or just continue like I'm doing now?

This day is more spontaneous and random and unplanned. I don't like it.

I'm acting like I can support conversation, but in fact I just talk about things that I know and when I run out of this I'll stop writing. Often it's happen after music stage and then that's it.. we can stop talking at all, I don't bad I just have no idea what to talk about and how to support dialogue, if before, after hello I can send random artist, song , or start tell new infom but now it will look more like:

?? - hi! ^^

Me - hi?

?? - how are you doing

Me - idk

?? - Oh..

Me - good morning

?? - good morning!^^

*the end*

and the day after we stopped talking for a week...

(there is rain outside.. ah...)

Very hard to do two things or more in the same moment (I wrote word moments so bad here! I'm shocked that I understand what is this)

I have no idea (btw it's 13:49) where to tell this, but My mom and her sister had race. Like my cousin learned to speak faster than me and learn how to read faster , and learn how to write faster, it's not because of age difference, we have just around 2 months difference. And I was slower on up to 10 months (or more) (or 8+ months if with right age). In someday it was like this: he can write and speak, but I barely can understand them (what people saying), I remember we drew something and mine thing 10 times worse and we wrote text there, but instead of text I had a bunch of zigzags and people laugh at me (I was very sad). Btw it's odd but I never had problems with moving and walking hah... My mom scream on my everyday because I can't learn anything I were crying. I Cried almost always and cried a lot until 2020 (I'm dead) (P.S don't worry I think it's going back). I always was too emotional (and it's too easy, ridiculously easy to make me cry or hurt me). Anyways I am learning things though I suffer, screaming and beating... It was very bad, at least I had less problems with mathematics. Also my dad packed his stuff so he can leave us anytime at all he made it a month ago with a huge scandal he even hit me, not hard, but also he hit my mom, she always have bruises from him... even now (I'm very rarely have bruises when my dad hit me, because he don't beat me like when I was very young) Btw I feel like always again (almost), I just don't need to think that this things are wrong and it's symptom of whatever, I need to stop to think like that because I'm dying, so I will slowly stop writing thoughts like this or just label them with "Is this normal? I don't know" with not actually finding answers to that question.

(???) -----

It's almost 14:45 and I'm going home soon

*end of notebook writings*

15:09 I'm home and ah... I think that sounds from that garage go louder and louder with every time I pass it by. You know... I also wear a warm jacket, because it's very cold for me while other people don't wear jackets at all. idk I think I have problems with temperatures, mainly with minus temperatures... Mainly with minus, because I can get sick very easily. It's warm... I just feel bad. Also the same thing in shower, warm is hot to me, so I need to use very hot water.. (I don't have to explain how I detected this... uhm) . Also for real it's should called not fog because umm, it very far from that, I know people calling different thing with fog, so It's better to call "What the fuck is happening". And I will never talk about this ever again... .Yeah it's a OK GO reference. now I want to listen to them . _ . but first at all.. Lemon Demon!

15:27 Message in reddit from /u/RedditCareResources... again... hmm... nice...

15:45 aaaah come one, my internet can't do anything again, I can't even watch videos in 144p

19:21 my mom scream on my father on the telephone

19:44 it's hot again for some reason

20:31 I'm still doing my homework, just want to say that I didn't really speak to anyone today (On the internet).

23:57 I finished writing my diary for today! Did I notice that my mom started saying that I'm very bad again today? It's odd... like I have more time in school than at home... anyways I'm going to upload this to tumblr and google drive, brush my teeth and whatever then go to sleep…

0:04 It’s stupid!

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faces-in-unexpected-places · 6 years

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Hey! I'm thinking about working in a lab, but I wanted to ask why you love it so much. I've worked in one before in high school, but they mostly made me make gels and watch people grow bacteria. I know that's as much as they were probably willing to entrust a high schooler, but it was BORING. I like the idea of it, but I don't know what would really prove to me that I love it.

Hey, how’s it going! Happy to answer for you!

Yeah, I can for sure tell you why I love it and all that. If I can ask you something too, would you mind telling me what has made you start thinking about working in a lab again? If it was so boring, then why has that not deterred you away from it? What about the idea of it do you like? Of course answer at your own leisure and comfort. Or don’t answer at all if you don’t want to. Just curious. I have no problem with trying to sell you on working in a lab, obviously. If you ask me, you’ve chosen well because working in a lab is honestly so fuckin awesome. Haha, anyway, onto my reason!

(How cool it is to run a blog where someone actually wants you to just gush about the things you love doing)

Well, in my experience in lab, I’ve made a lot of gels too. I don’t know if you ran them, or if you just made them for other people to use, but actually running them is a lot of fun! I could see how you might be bored just preparing stuff for people to use, and you don’t get to do the experiments yourself. But I like making gels and preparing the samples, and then loading the samples, and watching them move across, then imaging and interpreting the results.

I love asking questions. I love answering questions. And I love solving problems. And that’s basically mostly what science is. And the lab, to me, is kind of like the nucleus of those things. Not an intentional pun lmao. But like, those activities are must abundant in the lab. And I love being able to do something from start to finish and analyse it for things that I’ve learned!

Watching someone grow bacteria sounds pretty boring too, tbh. Honestly, growing it YOURSELF can be fuckin boring too. I’m not afraid to admit that, haha. But hey, everyone has beef with their job now and then. What really helped me get over it was understanding WHY I’m doing the things that I’m doing. Why am I isolating bacteria? What am I trying to learn and how am I going to use them to try to answer my questions. Then it got way more interesting. Because there was a PURPOSE to it.

But yeah, hey, it can be repetitive and tedious at times. So, music and audio books definitely have their place during those kinds of experiments.

Building my skillset has definitely made me enjoy it more and more. In my time in lab, I’ve weaned and dissected mice, collected live cells from the mice, made lots of different lysates at different concentrations, run western blots, run agarose gels, done lots of different kinds of bacteria streaking, water filtering, DNA extraction, flow cytometry, and soon, once my research proposal goes through, I’m going to learn how to screen bacteria for use of carbon sources!

Basically, being able to say that I can do as many things as I can do really makes me like the work! I just feel like I have a lot of skills that I can be proud of that allow me to address problems and generally help people! Whether it be my co-workers or the general public with the implementation of our research. I feel like a capable and contributing member of the world by working to use my knowledge and practical scientific skills and thinking to make the world a better place!

I just think that the technology that we have to do things like collect bacteria and separate DNA or protein on gels is so fascinating and amazing. We really have come far in the realm of science and we still have SO. MUCH. MORE. to go! It feels like we’re in the future now, but it’s only going to get more incredible with every decade. And to be a PART of that is just so surreal.

In my first lab, I definitely enjoyed getting to learn how to do things, but I did not feel as independent as I do now in my current lab. And it sounds like maybe you didn’t have much independence as a high schooler, which is understandable. Fun fact: I HATED biology in high school! So if you’re interested again, I suppose whatever the reason is, there’s definitely a chance that you’ll discover a newfound love for the work. Back to the topic. Since I have my own actual research project underway, and I’m going to be doing my OWN experiments (with help and input from the grad students and my professor of course, but not a stilted kind of work), I am way more excited.

Working in a lab gives me an autonomy that I’m very fond of. I can plan my experiments start to finish, answer my questions, help people, and I’m kind of on my own clock in a way, Yes, you have people above you and deadlines, but your work is yours, and your responsibility. You’re not held accountable for other peoples’ research, and so long as your results are accurate, ethical, practical, and on-time, everything else are just details. And I like that. It’s my business and I handle it the way I want. Of course, this could also be my own experience; different labs operate differently!

Well this was definitely a mouthful that I spilled! I’ll let this marinate for a bit. I hope this helped you with what you were looking for! And if you decide that this makes you more interested then yay! Welcome to the amazing world of laboratory biology! If all of this totally just turned you off of the idea because it was all so repulsive then hey, at least now you know! Happy to repulse you! As weird as that sounds. Damn dude. Please let me know if I can do anything else for you. I could literally talk about this for hours!

#anon ask

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