#i don't think im lgbt cause im only attracted to men

[redheadbigshoes]

honestly im an aro lesbian and i tend to say (though i waver between this and going yeah everyone is - im ultimately undecided) aro heterosexual and ace heteroromantic cis people are apart of the community if they connect with that, because there is no denying that many aromantic heterosexual cishet men have never experienced an identifying queer experience that would have them connecting with other LGBT+ in any way, and many cishet aro men wont even realise they're aro in the first place because of the societal structure around sex for men (casual, flings, fwb, high body count, bachelor lifestyle, being emotionally/romantically detached from partners) all being in their favor while for aromantic straight women they're shamed for those things and are expected to settle down, love and care for their partners, be a homemaker and be a perfect wife not to sleep around as a single woman. they don't have to think about their lack of attraction to women and identify it because societally this is expected of them and gets them a pat on the back from other men u know what i mean? a man like that who is benefiting from modern patriarchal standards of what sex should be for a man and how it shouldn't be for a woman has literally nothing in common with a queer aroallo imo.

idk i know u aren't aro or ace but you often talk about men being men and misogyny + patriarchy so id love to hear your thoughts about this from that perspective even if its disagreeing with me in places because i don't think this is something people often talk about or think about when it comes to aromantic - specifically - straight cis men. asexual cishet men have a vastly differing experience because of the same structure which can cause more distress and pressure to perform. but cishet aro men can fly under the radar in their "queerness" in comparison.

it sort of reminds me (and i am also polyamorous) the idea of "polyamory being inherently queer" where-in a polyam cishet allo man has two gfs who are dating each other, has never interacted with the community aside from his bisexual gfs dating each other in his vicinity, would be considered lgbtq+ based off that statement when he quite literally could just turn around and immediately hate crime or fetishize us (which is super common with these types of guys)

i feel sometimes blanket statements being thrown like a net to cover the most ground in inclusivity can lack nuance in discussion

No but you brought up very interesting points that I hadn’t thought of. I agree with everything you said, in this case it depends on what the person feels more connected to. Not only because it’s not really my place to have an opinion about it since I’m not ace or aro, but also because of the points you brought up.

Though I see some similar things when comparing being cishet and aro or ace with polyamorous, I don’t think they’re necessarily the same (in terms of comparing) because one is about attraction while the other is a choice, you know? But I definitely get it it’s not something simple to discuss.

#stephanie answers #anon #long post

[colorisbyshe]

man im sorry you keep getting ace discourse questions. youre too cool for this

It's fine. I know to some 14 year olds it's a very pressing that they think really matters. We're watching the rise of global fascism and the horrific effects of climate change devastating the most vulnerable people who cannot escape... but to some people, whether or not cishets can reclaim "queer" and sit at the cool kids table is the most manageable topic they can put on their plate.

Listen, to avoid future asks because I DID just get an influx of followers, I will put my thoughts out plainly:

Aphobia isn't real. It can't be.

Asexuality doesn't any shared experiences or identity to be oppressed. By that I mean, asexuals can be straight, gay, bisexual, or aroace, there is no shared gendered attraction. And "asexuality" can mean totally aroaceness, just a lack of sexual attraction, or a complete lack of sexual desire. Aces can want sex, consent to having sex they don't want, or just not want sex. Aces can even feel sexual attraction (demi, lithro, grey). When you make your identity a spectrum that includes the opposite of what your identity is... you no longer have an identity.

If you do not have an identity with a pool of shared ideology or experiences or even more abstract things like desires... there is no basis for oppression.

People DO face discrimination for not having sex and lacking sexual desire but that discrimination is more heavily tied misogyny and ableism, maybe misdirected homophobia. Most of the time, it isn't even tied to misogyny, it IS misogyny—it's just basic flavor rape culture.

On the flip side, people also face discrimination for having sex and having too much or the "wrong" sexual desire. For many marginalized groups, that means having ANY sexual (or romantic, shout out to the aros who think they're oppressed) desire at all.

So, if a celibate cisgender straight woman who feels sexual desire but just doesn't want to act on it is being harassed for turning down a man, is that aphobia? No. That's rape culture, baby.

And then there are aces and even aroaces who have sex, want sex, are kinky, and love to flaunt it. What aphobia are they facing? This means a non-ace woman is facing more "aphobic" discrimination than an actual, supposed asexual.

Aphobia is not real.

A culture made to punish and demand sexual desire IS real.

And, unfortunately, a lot of rhetoric within the ace community ends up reinforcing that rape culture, hurting their own cause. So, even if I did think a cisgender, straight person who MAYBE lacks sexual attraction and mAYBE doesn't want sex is somehow oppressed and that all cisgender, straight people who face oppression are LGBT, I wouldn't... want to associate with a group bent on regurgitating conversion therapy classics like "You can healthily have sex with people you aren't attracted to" and "You can be sexually gay but romantically straight" (Mormons fucking love that one!).

In a society where so many people ARE pressured into sex they do not want, I do not want to associate with people using the same talking points as sexual abusers, only this time they're using it to justify why cishets can still be queer or whatever.

I really, genuinely wish the best to people who are truly asexual, truly aromantic, who ARE getting shit for their lack of desires, but the communities they belong to need to be fixed before they can even call themselves LGBT alllies, let alone LGBT community members.

And I think a lot of people need to work on themselves and acknowledge that maybe a lot of rhetoric in their communities are just a way to distance themselves from theri sexual and romantic inclinations and any shame they may associate with them, rather than providing "real" identity.

Cause a "straight" man who really, really wants to fuck other men is obviously in denial. So what can we say about an ace who really wants to fuck their partner?

Entertaining this denial only hurts aces and LGBT people in the long run. And if we can't have that discussion honestly, there is no reason for me to entertain the idea of giving LGBT resources, spaces, platforms to our oppressors. Cause even if cishet aces are oppressed, even the most oppressed people on the planet, being oppressed doesn't cancel your role in LGBT oppression. Cishet women are oppressed, face systems of oppression much more closely linked to homophobia and transphobia than aphobia would be, and yet still don't belong in our community, so why would any other cishets belong?

I don't think this view is hateful. I would LOVE to dismantle the rape culture that hurts aces and non-aces alike. I would love to have fruitful dialogues about the pressure to have sex you do not want and how isolating the single life can be or whatever the fuck. A lot of these conversations have already been happening in feminist spheres but let's have another go. (Cause, if I haven't made it clear enough, "aphobic" concerns are actually just feminist concerns.) But if my views make anyone think I'm aphobic... sure. Homophobia and transphobia describe systems of oppression but if a slightly blunt pushback on a tumblr ask is aphobia, then I guess we have a new definition for the "phobic" suffix in this context. Redefining words is an ace community classic, so I'm not surprised.

Anyways, I think I've hit most major points for any newcomers. I will not be accepting new asks on this topic (even asks that agree with me or want to add more); I will just link y'all to my wishlist or to a song I want everyone to listen to.

This is my final word on the subject... unless I find a truly novel thing to say. Or I'm just in the mood to rant. But I'll be doing that on my terms, not to play a game with any new anons.

(That said, thanks anon for this ask, I'm not mad at you, lol. Just had to get this out cause I've gained a lot of followers today and can sense drama on the horizon.)

#q slur cw #ace discourse i fucking guess man

[fairycosmos]

this is very random but i was hoping maybe you could give some insight? i finally accepted that im lesbian but ive been calling myself bi for 5 years now and also realized that i used it to avoid women cause i was scared to admit that i found them attractive. now im admitting it and that i never really wanted anything to do with men but.....i have no idea how to romantically approach women loool like im so lost with it, i have no idea how queer culture or anything of the sort works cause ive avoided it as much as i could until now......how does this shit work, i feel like im reealizing things too late (even tho im only 22 ) and ive missed my chance to live a happy gay life ashfkfjkf even tho i know that sounds stupid. this sounds so dumb but i dont know how to be gay lmao

oh it's suuuuper normal don't even worry about it. it's why a lot of lgbt ppl feel like they have their coming of age moments much later. or they feel like they go through a second puberty of sorts where they rediscover sexuality and romance and love, through a lens they finally feel comfortable with, for the first time. also ur soooo young it's fine it's fine it's fine. you will be fine. i know it's frustrating and it feels kind of like stumbling through the dark TBH i'm kind of in the same boat so maybe everything i have to say on the matter is kind of stunted - but yeah it's honestly so natural. i think familiarizing yourself with queer culture and media is a good first step like movies, certain communities, tv shows, online spaces, books, music and artists etc etc. and also maybe learning a bit about lesbian history in ur country if it interests you! or not that's just an idea some ppl don't care LOL anyway. i recommend finding other lgbt ppl online too, it's really cathartic and fun and it's great to have friends who r on the same wave length as you like that, even just on the internet. THEN i guess the next step would be looking for gay/lgbt scene in ur area, if there is one, and maybe checking out a few gay bars or clubs with ur friends. or just look for any sort of communal activity that is popular w other lesbian and bi women specifically and kind of learn from there as you go through adjusting and observing. there's also sometimes these lgbt support groups to help ppl find each other/cope w hard situations that stem from being lgbt so maybe you could look into those? it sounds cheesy but there literally is no wrong way to be gay at all, it doesn't even have to be a whole thing if you don't want it to be. it's truly just an aspect of ur identity. and nobody knows how to flirt or talk to ppl at first, there's no script you need to follow with women just because theyre women or anything. they're not expecting you to know exactly what to do or say right off the bat, either. it's just about trying to genuinely connect w people when the opportunity presents itself, i reckon, and seeing where it goes from there. you could try lgbt/lesbian dating apps if u want, though they can be kind of intimidating - i always delete them every few months feeling like i have no idea how to talk to women, either. it is hard ngl like it's a weird world to navigate especially when you're new to it and it's normal to feel lost and a little strange about it so don't feel like ur some outlier who didn't get the memo! none of us did! we're all somewhat estranged from each other, even ppl who grew up out and proud. just the fact that you're finally in a place of self acceptance is a really good sign and there is no set trajectory for this sort of thing at all, where you have to measure yourself up against everyone elses time scale and journey and experiences. you're doing better than you think. baby steps into getting to know the lgbt culture and scene wherever you live is more than enough. no rush <3

#anon

[strawberrybabydog]

I’m bi (multigender) but I’d rather describe my identity as gay .. gay is already constantly used as an umbrella term (to refer to all lgbt love and relationships ship’s etc etc) people constantly throw it around and im not comfortable telling people im bi or identifying as it.. but if I put in my carrd that im “gay” then people will assume that: im strictly a homosexual man only attracted to men, im mspec gay/lesbian and now they hate me, im “faking” my sexuality. I don’t see why this is suddenly a problem to ID as when people call ALL lgbt people gay ALL THE TIME.. so idk what to do bc im afraid I’ll cause controversy and people will assume im strictly a gay man and assume my gender and sex and I don’t want that… I don’t feel comfortable identifying as unlabeled, queer, wlw, mlm, or anything similar. Do you think this would be okay? how should I go about this or make it clear that im not straight without saying “non straight, don’t wanna specify my sexuality”(etc).. I don’t want people to know my specific sexuality but I don’t wanna say it like this

gay is fine if you like it. you may have to explain your identity a bit more to clarify sometimes. i dont see why people would discourse over your identity bc thats just so dumb lmao (sorry not youre dumb i just dont see why someone else would care so much about not-their-own-identity yknow) you could maybe put, like,... non-hetero? or something like that instead?

idk i just dont really state my sexuality anywhere (and only really answer if asked) cuz i just dont care abt it personally, and it's not really relevant on my mental illness blog LOL. people've assumed im aro/ace for not stating it anywhere which is more than fine imo, others would probably assume the same for you in that absence. you don't need to put your sexuality in your carrd anyways if it's causing you stress

#i mean fuck it i dont even have a carrd #i literally dont know how that website works everything i do never looks cool #like i see people put custom graphics and stuff in and my endel site looks like a millenial corporate entity threw up on it #so i dont care for making one for like... myself #i also have no idea how to create new pages? like it doesnt tell you how? or how to hyperlink to another page on it? #whatever im rambling in the tags i think carrd kind of sucks to be honest. most site building sites do #asks

[i-did]

1/ 4 oh it's funny you brought up the ace people thing bc i'm actually aro/ace so i can elucidate on it a little xD i don't currently write smut but i sure have read a lot of it. i think a lot of ace people find fic a safe way to like? satisfy their curiosity about sexual things without having to look at real people or even watch porn which (esp mainstream porn) can be a lot. and also to like.

2/4 idk when you don't get something but it's such a big part of what so many other people seem to find super important it makes you kinda want to figure it out? i guess? and also a lot of people have a libido even if they don’t experience attraction so that’s a thing too. 3/4 part of the reason m/m is so popular is bc it’s just like. been that way in fandom so long that it’s a habit, and i don’t think the percentage of people fetisizing m/m relationships is really as high as it’s made out to be (although it does still exist, more or less prominently in every fandom) 4/4 my closest friend is a trans dude and he identified as a lesbian for a very long time and he’d never written lesbian porn and one day he was like. “its bc im not a lesbian and i want to write about dudes bc i am one” and i think there are a lot of younger people who are still figuring stuff out which is why i try not to be too harsh on individual people. i do still think it’s important to critique and look at why broader fandom trends turn out the way they do. anyway sorry for sending you a barrage of asks i just get excited about fandom meta xD

-mild nsfw and pwp discussion-

Hey! Yeah no worries, my blog has been pretty quiet activity and ask wise until just now so I'm kind of surprised by the amount of asks I started getting literally over night, but yeah I dont mind getting them lol.

I think "habit" is an interesting word to use in regards to people whipping mlm over wlw, and probably a pretty accurate one. I think however that the percentage of people who are fetishizing mlm is higher than people realize, because from my point of view... i haven't really heard many people talk about it or take it seriously. I don't think its just fetishization, I think its also lack of well written women as well as the default in lgbt being gay man, but i also think the fact that well developed characters get flattened out and a heteronormative dynamic gets placed on them, and the abundance of pwp proves that there is definitely fetishization and people need to start to unlearn it in fandom imo. It makes it a very uncomfortable place to be for mlm otherwise.

Also I know a lot of similar stories to the one you're saying about your friend, trans guys who didn't know who they were, especially gay trans men feeling like they fetishize mlm when they don't they're 100% mlm too, and having room for exploration is important like you said. Your friend is a straight trans guy but the point still stands.

About the ace thing: yeah and I totally get that, I know someone who reads pwp of mlm because its unemotional unlike wlw pwp and as someone who is aro they want to not feel like theyre missing out and know whats up with sexual psychology.

I've heard of a lot of ace people reading pwp to "figure out what the deal is" but its interesting to me how many people look into pwp that would be outside of their demographic, aka cis women reading pwp mlm. I think its important to note that probably 97% of mlm pwp isn't written by mlm for mlm, and isn't actually accurate not only in the mlm gaze, but also functionality and how sex feels. Its porn. Porn exaggerates things, it makes things sound bigger and more extreme and extraordinary because it os inherently performative in a way to arouse the consumer. In had an ace friend tell me they were sad sex wasn't something that they could experience in pwp but, no one can lol. I mean there is more toned down realistic pwp, but the vast majority talks about full body feeling (which btw amab people experience orgasums localized while afab experience more full body)

I get the appeal to not want to look at real people but wanting to know, but why only read mlm if thats the case? Why not also wlw or wlm, etc.

Also its important to note it still isn't actually accurate in a lot of small ways beyond gaze, but also proper prep, health, sanitization, eating habits, body hair, positions, terminology, sensations, culture etc.

I've had someone state that if they wanted accuracy they would go out and actually sleep with someone, but still that person was a cis woman reading mlm pwp, and I think accuracy is important to a degree to prevent issues like fetishization, but also unrealistic expectations.

You stated that mainstream porn is a lot, and it is, but also so is pwp imo, especially as a mlm. The pwp tag in ant fandom is quite wild lol. Thats. Thats my 2 cents, its quite wild.

But yeah overall the best thing is to assume people don't have ill intent, they usually don't! But that doesn't mean that overall some people aren't also causing harm by doing such things like fetishizing mlm in fandom.

Cool asks lol wasn't expecting this everyones been chill so far thanks for the lack of anon hate and remember that the internet is a public space and to try to be respectful of others.

#aftg #all for the game #fandom politics #fandom psychology #ask #mailob

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

anon whom u asked to elaborate

(I'm a girl 17)I've had guy crushes bit i never wanted to be physically close to them or wanted to be in a relationship with them, not that that situation would've ever arised

but I've been questioning my sexuality for over a year and half now and i THINK i like this girl but i feel like it's not real and i want to be in a relationship with her and want to be close to her but idk if I'm REALLY attracted to her like 'butterflies in stomach' thing didn't happen but i was excited(maybe coz i know she's straight but idk)

and even in future I'd like to be with a girl(physically and emotionally also im pretty sure that im sexually attracted to them) but idk if I'd ever be attracted to them in a way they deserve and with boys i don't think it's physical atleast, idk about emotional cause I've had crushes and all

and i read your last reply and u said if in theory i think i am attracted to them thing but then every bi curious person is bi and so on?

and i think i have the potential to be attracted to women in future but it seems fake( this can also be because of the fact that i know zero lgbt+ people in real life and probably never will because of the situation in my society)

and ik you'll probably say it's internalized biphobia nd like yes maybe but it's been such a fucking long time it's frustating and i still haven't reached a conclusion and i just can't overcome it and I'm exhausted

Thanks for elaborating. And sorry if that’s not the magic epiphany you want to hear but yeah, a lot of that sounds like internalised biphobia/lesbophobia to me.

I would urge you to reread your own message again and maybe imagine it was someone else, maybe a good friend of yours, saying those things to you. What would you think or say to them if they said something like:

“i want to be in a relationship with her and want to be close to her”

“in future I'd like to be with a girl (physically and emotionally also im pretty sure that im sexually attracted to them)”

“i think i have the potential to be attracted to women in future”

Do any of these statements sound to you like something a heterosexual woman would say? To me they don’t. You are literally saying in various different ways that you are attracted to woman and desire them romantically and sexually. Straight women do not desire romantic and/or sexual relationships with other women. Straight women do not have the potential to be attracted to women - by definition they don’t bc they are heterosexual = exclusively attracted to men. Everything you say confirms that you are attracted to women = that you are NOT straight.

And all the doubts that you are having are internalised crap that’s holding you back. And yes, sure, living in a queerphobic environment where other LGBTQIA+ people are erased (I’m sure they exist around you but have to be closeted), puts you in a very tough position to explore and accept your sexuality. If you cannot connect to the queer community offline then at least try it online, try to talk to people here.

I also want to get into something you said regarding girls which was “idk if I'd ever be attracted to them in a way they deserve”. What do you mean “a way they deserve”? You don’t owe anyone attraction one way or another. Either you are attracted to someone or not. And there are probably as many different ways to be attracted to someone as there are different people. To some you may not be attracted at all, to others a little bit. To some the attraction might be purely sexual or purely romantic or something else entirely or a mix between all of it. And maybe after some time you realise there’s a pattern, for example that whenever you find yourself attracted to men it’s only or mostly sexual without any desire to pursue a romance there; but when you find yourself attracted to women there is more romance involved. Or maybe there’s a different pattern or none at all. But attraction just ~happens~ and it’s nothing that you are obliged to feel a certain way.

If you want to identify as bi then you can, even if those “attraction patterns” aren’t the same for every gender. It’s fine to be bi while having different desires for different genders. And for some bi people, romantic and sexual orientation don’t align perfectly, so you could also see if the split attraction model suits you (for example: bisexual/homoromantic). But to go back to that statement of yours: nobody “deserves” to be attracted to at all. You got that wrong here, my friend. You don’t owe it to anybody that you are attracted to them one way or another. If you have feelings for someone and you are afraid that they aren’t “strong enough” or aren’t of “the right kind” that’s for you to decide and I would always recommend to play with open cards and be honest to the person about feelings and fears and all that. And then they can decide for themselves what they want to make of this information. But nobody ever “deserves” to be the object of your desire in a certain way. Scratch that! It’s a very unrealistic and unhealthy way to look at attraction.

I understand that you are exhausted, that this seems like it’s not going anywhere. But then also consider how far you’ve already come. Think of yourself a year or two ago or even further back and see how much you’ve already learned about yourself. The fact you’re able to reflect on your sexuality that much is an achievement and you can be proud of it. Asking for help and advice is also something to be proud of. I do have my usual “getting rid of internalised biphobia” post here but in your case I would like to primarily advise you to be kind and patient to yourself. And start believing yourself! When you find yourself thinking “I have a crush on this girl/I am attracted to her/I want to be in a relationship with a woman” then remind yourself that those are not the words of a straight women. Try to kill those doubts with pure logic. I can guarantee you that no heterosexual woman desires sex or romance with another woman - if she does then she’s gonna realise sooner or later that she’s not really been straight after all. And furthermore: don’t waste too much energy comparing your feelings for women to your feelings for men. It can be interesting and for some people it’s helpful but for others it isn’t. If it doesn’t get your forward to compare that then just don’t and remind yourself that bisexuality doesn not mean you have to be equally attracted to all genders. It can be different and you don’t need to pick it all apart in detail if you don’t feel like that helps you at this point.

Maddie

#Anonymous

[hidetothink]

i hope whoever hurt you and fucked up your morals gets whats coming to them. cause something happened for you to be this transphobic. and im sorry. i honestly am sorry.

No one hurt me anon. Or well, those who DID aren't the ones who led me to my current beliefs

I grew up in a small, suburban, midwest town that sat right next to open farmland. My family enrolled me in a Christian school I attended for 15 years. Meanwhile, any other social interaction was at a traditional evangelical church. These Christians hurt me. They made me believe that I needed to bleed the gay out of myself, or beat it out, or cry it out. Those scars are with me forever, but they didn't lead me to my current beliefs

When I left my religious background and fully accepted and embraced my homosexuality, I swung hard left. I had spent my whole life fighting the urge to just accept myself and other LGBT people. Now I was free to drown myself in queer theory. So I did

I joined an LGBTQIA+ organization and was ordered a position in their leadership. I fully affirmed the gender identities of my friends and fellow members. I affirmed that heterosexual male members could be lesbians and needed special attention in the community. I identified as nonbinary after 20 years of HATING the idea of being man and a growing discomfort with my male body

When cotton ceiling rhetoric came into my life though several "gay trans men" (each of them complaining about homosexuals being disinterested in the opposite sex), I ate it up. I talked with my friends about how there must be truth to their statements. There had to be something done. Gay men needed to change

So I went back to my roots

I spent a week back home, in the same house I beat myself in as a child, and just went back to beating. I spent hours reviewing SFW and NSFW photos of trans men. Famous trans men. Everyday trans men. I pushed myself to look past my "prejudice against trans people." I tried. I genuinely tried, anon. But nothing happened

I called my best friend, sobbing. I couldn't do it. I couldn't get me bigotry to go away. I begged him not to judge me. His only response was asking "WTF are you doing!? You're literally doing what you did in high school!"

I was pushing and pushing, trying and failing to find sexual attraction to female persons. And why? Because they identified a certain way? Because they were more masculine than traditional female persons are portrayed? Because they were attempting to pass as male?

The queer community hurt me, anon. I don't know how long those scars will last, but even if they do, they still aren't why I believe the way I do today

Do you know what community was the ONLY group willing to support me fully in my sexuality? When I asked if I could just be attracted to the same sex and NEVER the opposite sex, only the gender critical, "terf" lesbians came back with a resounding YES

When I asked people if I could, morally, be a homosexual, the only people who supported me were lesbians

I read what they had to say, why they believed the way they did, and slowly I've come to believe what I do now:

-Trans people deserve equal rights to housing, medical care, work, and all the other aspects of civil life which they are often barred from or given unequal access. Trans people deserve the same access to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness that I think all humans deserve

-Dysphoric people should be given full and accurate information about their options for living a complete and happy life. Some of these people will transition and they shouldn't lose equal rights because of that

-Children should not be given body altering medications which lack proper testing and which cannot be easily reversed. Not when these children cannot fully understand their situation, not when misogyny is a leading cause that's left unaddressed, not when so many of these GNC kids will be gay and castrated by the process, and not when there is such a high likelihood for these children to detransition later in life

-Sexuality functions on the basis of sex. Lesbians are female homosexuals. Gay men are male homosexuals. Homosexual means exclusively same-sex attracted, and as such, gay people are not compatible with members of the opposite sex, regardless of attempts to pass as the same sex, regardless of gender identity, and regardless of willingness to try and change (like my past self)

-Intersex people are not a third sex, or proof of a sex spectrum

-Female only spaces need to exist. Women are oppressed as a class based on their female sex

-Gay pride and the gay rights movement were started by and for homosexuals. Homophobia exists and functions because of hatred for same-sex love and the absence of opposite-sex attraction

-Etc.

If these are the beliefs that make me transphobic...I can't care anymore. These beliefs were formed by critical thought, research, empathy, and time. They are not sticking to me simply because of past trauma

If someone is able to provide evidence that my beliefs are wrong, I will relent. That's what happened when I became an advocate for queer ideology. And its what happened when I became gender critical

However, despite every moment of doubt that has led me to reevaluate my gender crit beliefs, I remain convicted on these issues. I am interested in defending the needs and dignity of homosexuals. I am interested in being an ally to female persons, partially my lesbian sisters. If that's something you believe I should heal from, I'm not interested in anything you have to say

*Edit made 3/31/2022 for spelling and grammar

[wiltking]

Part 1. (Attempted rephrasing cause I can't quite remember exactly what I said but it was along the lines of) this is a topic I'm just really hoping I don't mess up, and i don't wanna step on the toes of, I'm a female who is not straight, or bi, or gay; I'm romantically attracted to personalities and sexually I'm not attracted to anything (so I'm not really sure what that defines myself as) but I get scared in defining myself so that i don't insult anyone, as I do align myself as female

PT.2 of question, so because of this I get really confused on what's acceptable or not for me to "be into" and honestly I feel like I get pushed out quite a bit from a lot of communities, and is this deserved because I don't "understand the struggle"? Again I'm asking because I don't want to hurt people and I genuinely am confused on the matter... You've been writing about the problems with gay novelia and m/m companionship, and I agree with all that you are saying but then I feel guilty....

PT 3. Because I do enjoy reading m/m stories, and I can't tell if I like it for all the wrong reasons as you are saying is an issue with the community. I enjoy good stories of character development and I appreciate when there are good romantic elements and then I just feel like garbage because should I not be enjoying these stories as a female? And while I don't see it as myself "fetishising" so to speak, am I just looking at this whole thing wrong?

PT 4. I'm sorry if this is offensive and I'm dumb, but I'd rather I understand then continue to trod on territory I don't understand.

hi anon. theres a lot to unpack here, but firstly ive said before that lgbt literature (and movies, art, whatever) should be easily accessible to people of any gender/sexuality. and its a positive thing if they can be enjoyed as well. 

so its not a bad thing for girls to enjoy m/m media. the problems come from women-aligned people wanting to self-insert themselves into portrayals of mlm relationships, imposing heteronormativity, objectifying, and primarily dominating the m/m literature scene with harmful, inaccurate, fetishistic or otherwise gross, content, that cant be enjoyed by actual mlm because we arent the target audience. the target is other women. (why is that?)

so these are the issues that im talking about when i say there are problems with mlm content written by women and how that content is consumed by other women. because a lot of it is bad and inaccurate. and when gay men point out these issues theyre brushed aside. 

i thought it was common knowledge to do your research if you’re writing about experiences you have no actual experience in. but women just want to write about 2 men fucking (unsafely) because its hot. 

so anon i really think its fine for you to continue to enjoy mlm stories and i appreciate the time youve taken to think about this. but if youre looking for good romance its just not the place to be, unfortunately. even the books ive given high ratings on my rec list have myriads of issues that i have to overlook in order to enjoy them. but i can only relate to romance that includes 2 or more men deeply in love so my options are frankly quite limited.

i’d just like you to remain critical of how women are writing mlm content. because most of the issues lie with them, and other women who refuse to accept that there are problems with said content. but you’re probably fine. read on, bud. i hope i was able to clear this up for you but if you have more specific questions dont be afraid to ask. 

#long post #im so sorry for the essay #anon #ask wilt

[biandaceconfessions]

do you still respond to confessions? I guess im confessing anyway. I don't often talk about my sexuality because sex, being sexy, being hit on (which is rare, but has happened) makes me uncomfortable, especially from guys (im a 20 y/o girl). I've done very well closing myself up and shutting people down. I feel my unconscious mindset is I'd rather someone not get to know me than know me and reject me. However I feel my fear of rejection has also clouded my understanding of my own sexuality. 1/?

I assume I'm something fucking queer as I've been questioning my sexuality since 12 y/o or earlier. But, more along the lines of why do I lie about having crushes? If I dont have a crush on a boy I must like girls do I have a crush on my friends, no? So, wtf? Throughout teen years, a friend has a cursh, I'm like yeah they look hot but I don't want to pursue them. At the same time I'd be hot and heavy for Eric from True Blood. So then I feel strange because it's like I can't let real people 2/?             

cont.- can't let real life people, be people and sexual/romantic partners, like I'm objectifying people only attracted to their appearance but then again I'm not so attracted that I'm like yeah I'd fuck them. I don't know. I'm confusing myself just typing this. I didn't even touch on how this makes me question if I'm bisexual or ace or both or am I just looking for a lgbt label so that I'm just edgy, different and not a boring white, cis-het girl. I think my biggest fear is saying I'm ace 3/?         

cont.- without fully comprehending what that is or how others would read that. What if I'm not ace but then people beieve I am and then no ones is interested in me. But since I'm not interested in anyone do I care about that or not? Same thing for when I had an inkling that I might like girls but if I don't like girls then I just told everyone I did, then am I posing and will guys not like me. Because I don't get asked on dates I also thought what if I'm questioning my sexuality just because 4/?

cont.- just because guys don't like me, am I just thinking I might be into girls because rejection from girls hurt less than guys? because most girls I meet are straight so their no possibility that I could be rejected romantically for someone not seeking my gender. Ditto for my obsession with gay men in media such as films, stories and drag queens. Do I like them and want to be a part of that life just to get rid of the pressure of questioning if they're attracted to me. 5/?             

cont.- So one again that all trickles back down to am I ace or bi? Neither or both? Do I want a relationship?-I'm not looking. Am I not looking because I do want a rom/sex relationship but fear rejection or because I genuinely don't want that because I don't feel that way about anyone? I've seen my sister literally cry over not having a boyfriend multiple times in adolescence and I'd be like "wtf. why does that feel so important to you?" So that's kept me thinking okay maybe it's not 6/?             

cont.- not all influenced by my shyness, anxiety or the fear of rejection but that I genuinely do not feel the same way about people romantically/sexually than the "average" person (Gay, Les or Straight). I literally found this new word on your tumblr -squishes. Now it sounds so childish but the meaning of the word is how I feel about a girl right now. We are not friends, she's just beautiful and I wish I could become her close friend. However, this is clouded by the feeling of do I simply 7/?             

simple have an interest in her (for a friendship or intimacy), simply because she's openly bi, but has a boyfriend and several other guys thirsting for her. So am I attracted to her or just because she's conventionally attractive and/or because guys are interested in her and I want her to be with a girl so boys can't have her because I'm so fucked up that I have some internal hatred towards men, which is possibly due to past sexual harrasment/abuse from men, so now they must all be shit... 8/?             

cont.- so now here is my apology for such a long-winded, convoluted confession that likely just shows that I'm a crazy person overthinking and also just man-hating. But I do have male friends who I actually really hope find happiness and romantic relationships. So here I sit another year older and another year confused about what I feel and who I am in terms of sexuality. final part/?             

(Yes we do still take confessions, it’s just been a while since one has come in.)

I’m going to do my best to parse though everything you’ve sent in because as you, yourself have already realized, there are a whole helluva lot of layers to this and what you’ve been questioning and thinking over.

The first thing that I kind of latched onto that you shared was that you don’t really have an interest in crushes and you can understand when your friends do, but it doesn’t hold any sway for you. I don’t know how much you know about aromantics, but that rang a bit of a bell for me since aromantics either don’t experience crushes or they take different forms so you could have no interest in that aspect of relationships.

Something else you mentioned was the attraction to fictional characters. Some people lose interest in sexual/romantic relationships when those feelings are reciprocated. So, being attracted to fictional characters could be your way to ensure there’s no discomfort of possibly being faced with someone having interest in you, since there is your internal struggle with men liking you.

I don’t know how much research you’ve done into asexuality and have read through accounts by other asexuals, but asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to others. You can be ace and still be interested in sex and have sex. Asexual people can also most definitely have relationships. So if people are completely turned away from pursuing you because you might be ace, then that makes them an asshole who probably wasn’t interested in you for more than sex anyway and they deserve a kick in the groin for being an asshat.

As far as crying over not having a boyfriend as your sister has done, I think that can easily be tied to the heteroromantic pressure that exists in society. Social norms are constantly telling us that we should in heterosexual relationships and that we have to be in romantic relationships to have any form of fulfillment in our lives. Now that idea is all kinds of wrong and causes more pressure for everyone (especially aromantics) and negates any form of personal happiness or satisfaction that comes from platonic or familial relationships. And those are just as important as any sort of happiness that comes from romantic relationships. It just happens that not everyone needs romantic relationships in their lives to be happy and society is going to lash out at people who feel that way because of it and make the pressure worse for people who aren’t dating someone.

Squishes is a very important term for me and I’m so happy it exists and that you found it because to me it reflects a need to get to know someone and forma  bond that doesn’t necessarily have any sexual or romantic ties. It’s a desire to share your life with someone else that is at its base really no different from romantic or sexual connection.

After reading all of this I just want you to know that you don’t have to find a label right away. Whether you settle on bi, ace, or something else entirely. Sexuality is confusing and the way society functions doesn’t help things at all. Figuring things out can take a while, especially when you’re sifting through so many layers like you have been. And it sucks that it can take so long, but it’s not an easy thing for some people to figure out. I didn’t figure out I was ace until I was in college.

If you’re afraid that testing out a label right now means you’re stuck with it for the rest of your life, let me reassure you that you’re not. Considering how much you’ve thought this over and recognized the different impacts it has on your life, I doubt you’re doing it to be “trendy” or “different” or special in some sort of way. It’s just as acceptable to think you fit one label right now and realize you’re something else later and that’s fine. You’re not going to get more brownie points or whatever for figuring it out faster because the whole process is really fucking difficult in itself.

And if you never find a label that really fits and can be at peace just going through life as who you are then that’s okay, too.

#mod ace #confessions #possible ace confessions #possible bi confessions #advice #lgbtq confessions #Anonymous

[nocasdatsgay]

Don't listen to those stupid aphobes!!! Aphobia isn't real? Tell that to my teachers at school that told me and my classmates that asexual people are just (and I quote) "sick people who need help, not being sexually attracted to others is wrong and means that there's something wrong with you". Fuck those people, it's them that have no place in the lgbt+ community (that's "supposed to be a safe space", the goddamn hypocrites), not asexual people!(im pan myself, but im disgusted by their attitude)

I'm not listening to them. This is the first time I've witnessed backlash on asexuals from a portion of the LGBT community. Maybe I missed the first waves. I don't know what happened to make them feel this way. It honestly comes off as resentful. Which if it's resentment for the "allies" being attacked, you're barking up the wrong tree. All sections have backlashed against allies. It's not an ace thing. I've seen it cause before I realized who I was, I was an ally. I got schooled then too trust me. They say we can blend in better. Yet I'm still horrible at pretending to find men attractive and I'm starting to get too old to even keep trying. I was raised in a heterosexual environment so I know the norms. I can understand why so-n-so is 'hot' and explain if I have too. But it's harder every year to even try. I'm getting looks. No I'm not getting my ass beat but I'm a girl in a southern town and heaven forbid anyone hits a lady no matter how gay she is. And No I don't have the same coming out story as a gay or lesbian or bi or pan person. My mother just ignored it. "You just haven't found the right one." My brother thinks I'm brainwashed by college (he is autistic and has his own issues no it's not a pass but he doesn't understand). My dad just gets mad and says "you need to have a husband" every now and then because they want grandkids. Luckily I'm not a lesbian because I'm sure their reactions would be worse. As I tell everyone "my parents don't care who I bring home as long as they have a penis". I don't get it. Honestly they're treating us like Straights with a capital S treat them. What did we as ace people do? Is it really because we tired to "take back" the a? I'm sure half of tumblr wasn't even around for that. I was but I was young and didn't understand aces weren't around before. Which also leads me to the fact that no aces weren't around before but that's because we didn't have a name. We have one now and more people are identifying with it because we have a label. Just like autism didn't have a name but now it does so more people are properly diagnosed. It existed before but didn't have a name. (do NOT come at me and say it's not the same I'm only using the situation of name=identification=identity and increase of said identification). But I'm ranting. Thank you. This should be a time of celebration not fighting. I'm just gonna keep going forward. They can come at me if they want. I'm not a part of "their" LGBT. I'm a part of my own.