#i dont feel sleepy enough

[absurdumsid]

IM GOING INSANE I WAS SO DISTRACTED BY ROUND 6 I FORGOR ERRORS BIRTHDAY WAS A DAY AGO IM SO SORRY

#<- guy who doesnt rlly celebrate birthdays/anniversaries #BUT STILLLL #dang #hm. #no itll be ok i think i still have tomorrow :thumbsup: #<- plotting nefariously #sid rambles #also i think i should pass out ?? #and maybe i will idk lmao #i dont feel sleepy enough #eh

[professionalchaoticdumbass]

in the past week or so ive seen a lot of people posting about how there's this oversexualization of trans girls on the site, and I gotta agree, there are way too many people (including other trans women!) who act like we're all dtf 24/7 or always super kinky and horny. I've been tired of that stereotype for ages and i am saying this as a rather sexual trans girl myself...

...but I think people are overcorrecting a bit now, and are starting to veer into "trans women shouldnt be talked about sexually / need to be shielded from it" territory. and, to me, that's really dangerous, because outside of some queer spaces - and even within them- the sexuality of trans girls is heavily scrutinized, as is attraction to us. as much as I dislike certain aspects of the memes and jokes that kickstarted the stereotypes, I'm kinda grateful for them as well. girldick jokes helped with my bottom dysphoria, voice kink shit helped me like my voice, and the whole "tgirl tummy tuesday" thing gave me a lot of confidence in my body where I hated it before. I think this open appreciation of trans sexiness has done a lot for both me and others on tumblr.

again, obviously its got its problems - people end up assuming every trans girl is horny, or only spread positivity if its related to sex with us, and of course the people who do have dysphoria from the things that are being sexualized are left out (like those the "girls without dicks are like angels without wings" memes, ugh, feels icky every time). and on the note of comparing tgirls to angels, we also started getting treated like we're ethereal fertility goddesses and that t4t sex was some inherently sacred ritual. spoiler alert, trans girls are normal-ass people and t4t sex can be holy for the participants but its generally a pretty normal thing to do as well

coming back to the "don't sexualize trans girls" posts now, I think they were initially going in the right direction, but at this point I'm starting to raise an eyebrow at more than a few of them. I'm not gonna whip out the "youre a sex hating puritan if you post about it" accusation because that is obviously wrong but again, I think people are definitely overcorrecting and starting to turn this into a (false) dichotomy when it's not. its a complex topic and each individual trans woman will feel differently about it.

(I feel like the internet just erases any nuance in favor of a two-sided, highly polarized flamewar with unrealistic views on both sides. actually i wouldn't even say this is a super-nuanced discussion because its really not that hard to say "fetishization is bad, but so is suppression of sexuality". will this post just end up being a void scream and people will continue drawing lines between one side and the other? probably. but I am a stubborn bitch and I have hope that we can be reasonable.)

anyways I'll close this off by saying that I wrote this between around 1:30 and 2 AM on terrible sleep the night before, that I hope what I said is coherent enough, and that I will keep being a trans girl who is openly sexual, gets horny over other trans women, and is proud to be transsexy as fuck. I will keep being critical of jokes and trends and memes that stereotype us, even from our own community. I will keep being angry at how poorly us trans folks are treated with regards to our sex lives, bodies, and relationships between the two. I will keep loving and lusting over trans women without fetishizing them. And I will keep doing all of these til the day I die.

#taking a break from the late night funnies to get serious for a change #this is... sorta a vent post? idk. #please dont tag this with 'transmisogyny' i do not like that term #feel free to reblog though. if enough people are shitheads ill turn reblogs off but again i have hope we can be nice. #transmasculine folks please feel free to add anything else you feel is relevant! im writing from the perspective of a transfemme #who mostly spends time in transfem spaces and i obviously dont have the experiences of a transmasc so. yknow. add on if you have something #alright thats all for now back to your regularly scheduled sleepy/funny posting

[picory]

ehehehehehe

#oh god. i have too much i want to draw. and need to finisg #amd not enough time. or energy #quacks #need to go to bed. but i dont feel sleepy #actually now i do. goodnight

[sleepy-vix]

i think like a high achiever but i feel like i'm incapable of achieving highly anymore and it honestly sucks

#i think 'this is not good enough!!' but then i just give up after bc i doubt i can do any better but then i feel guilty over it #its a struggle #i wish i wasnt so fucking burnt out but i dont really want to do anything about it #call me pathetic its not like i dont call myself that everyday #sleepy vix

[orbiyoo]

my half finished clown :] happy halloween

#i really like how the hat n neckpiece came out :) wanted the sleeves a lil poofier but incan always give them a lil fill or something #im gonna finish the full cosplay on my own time maybe formmarch maybe nit. #i got up at 6 this morning to sew the sleeves on USBDUFBFGFJEBHYNSH #i did start the vest i have it all sewn and lined + the collar pinned to it but i just. uhg. the gold edge. fuck that #shoutout to my awesome classmate who gave me gold fabric to do it. sorry i didnt do it yesterday. too sleepy. ONE DAAAAY #i was like NO gold on the sleeves NO red on the puffs ONE button ebcause i dont feel like sewing more #AMEN. #that red fabric. OKAY THAT RED FABRIC FUCKING HTES ME ITS SOME SYNTHETIC WOVEN SHIT THAT WANTS ME DEAD. NOT WORTH IT #sits nicely for the hat. frays like a bitch. skips stitches like a bastard. does NOT want to press or iron. #i only just learned abt the burning synthetic fabric edge to stop it from fraying umm Yesterday thanks to aforementioned awesome classmate #so umm teehee.nits fine zigzag stitch works well enough. Okay im so tired i hust wanted to show off my gay little hat goodnigit #EDIT AAAAH THE PICTURE IS FLIPPED its ok i made sure to get the colors on the proper sides. red is on the left. believe me i made sure.

[seariii]

Hum...

#im just thinking... im okay tho /gen #just thinking about the words the bestie said to me after I told him about my mental health... #particularly a phrase... he just said 'you are already committed' and when i asked what he meant he said 'to life' #its just... idk... it was impressive and had such a weird feeling... sadly i guess i am committed........ 'sadly' huh.... #sigh another important thing was that it was crucial i went back to therapy... i dont really want to tho... #but 'youve been feeling like this for a long time you need help' ... sigh... what i need is... #the future is so scary... sigh... okay #ill put an alarm to wake up earlier tomorrow and work on that! #seari talks #what i need is adderall- jsjsjsjsjs yeah... alr im sleepy time to mimir #tomorrow ill catch up with everything i missed too #also if anyone reads this dont worry pretty person! i got a bit scared/upset up there but its okay #im quite stable right now! at least enough to survive for a couple days! so yup! #miiiight have to look up a new therapist tho... since aside from help i wanna get a diagnosis.... #sigh... but okay that's not for rn seari it's for future seari. rn seari has to go mimir because shes tired #a mimir a mimir pat pat pat

[ratguy-nico]

just saw that @theangrypomeranian and @br1ghtestlight give my old Zeke and Jimmy Jr drawing some more love again, thanks, it really make me giggles (theres has to be a least creepy way to say it) (do cis man giggle?) I'm rambling again.

Thankiu especially to @br1ghtestlight cause of course they inspire the piece itself, they just get so well how cheesy and dramtic this two are for each other.

Gods it makes me want to re-do the drawing, or mostly polish it. I just love this two dorks so much I wanna draw them eternally.

And beacuse this turn into a thanks for the suport letter (sorry) I also want to thank deeply to @goldendoodlerlockerlove and @babsvibes, this two are literally always liking even my silliest posts, guys you are truly the bests, I love you all.

@goldendoodlerlockerlove have supported even my rambling posts, thats love.

Wish to could give more back instead of just take. I swear I will strive to bring more and better drawings

(this started as a reblog, can you believe)

#im so happy when you like what i draw #i think i dont say it enough #i know im not the best at lineart #or colors #or composition #or...like anything related to drawing #but i try #and I really apreciate you liking it #it makes me feel less like a fraud #more like this drawing thing is something i can actually do #sorry i know im intense #i shut up know #someone seriously shouldnt let me use the computer right before going to sleep #my sleepy brain is too smushy #i get all sappy

[kuruk]

why'd my adderall xr kick in so late I fell asleep after an hour and woke up feeling it after a 2 hour nap 😑 jm wasting it by being asleep the first half.. I do love waking up feeling rested and not confused at least but come on

#still such a lifecbanging difference sorry #i donr know if the constant sleepiness or the fatigue is what's worse but whatevevr it is just lifts so much easier like this help #i love thinking i can hold on to so many tboughts and care enough about them to even write or say them.. #or even just staying in my head just that it's clearer and i have energy to even think at all #i get scared of the way my brain feels so disorganized and mixed up like i forget how language works and i cant remember anything anymore #everything feels like the same constant slush like someone turned the contrast down ans the information the world sends me is sanded down #none of that information ever hits i feel like it's never actually me reacting to it i feel like im watching myself on autopilot. #like km just so tired in every way i cant even relieve myself of boredom anymore because it takes too much energy to even think #and i know everyone on stimulants loves to talk and say things and whatever sorry help but i missed thinking i missed actually reacting 😭 #a lot of the time i dont feel real just extremely uncomfortable for no reason. and that's the strongest thing there everything else is dull #like i funally feel awake and conscious and such. like things in this world happen to me and i interact with things and irs real...

[just-mebs]

Did i ever post this

#this is most def not a original idea someone else has probably done this #I made this back in NOVEMBER jfc #spy tf2 #scout tf2 #tf2 scout #tf2 spy #I dont feel like tagging a bunch of ships so <3 #mine.mebs #image #fuck it ill tag a few #sniperscout #sniperspy #demospy #engiespy #ahh thats enough i sleepy

[elegyofthemoon]

actually i kinda wonder now if theyll put veliona into hsr or is she just sorta mixed into this seele?

#snow plays hsr #idk enough about veliona i just see her everytime i decide to start crying about seele so im just 🤔 thinking #but at this point i often wonder just how much theyll take from honkai impact and put into star rail #i feel like its going to wind up being more spin off and completely separate but what do i know im new to honkai impact #and im not even up to date with star rail #but yeah..... #its already pretty fun though seeing the parallels between bronseele for both stories (i love them sm) #but i wonder how much more #not that i can appreciate it at this point but yeah #'snow why are u posting about this here' bc im sleepy and i dont care anymore. #i wanna post more about viddygame thoughts like i used to tbh #ik i would do it on a rambling blog but #what if. i just. do it here. :) #tbh i need more hi3 friends/mutuals. im new so i have zero clue about anything but... people to annoy #ANYWAYS good night #wait veli might be separate i just dont know it works just yet #WE WILL LEARN ITS OK #im just a newbie.... the lore too big for my brain to understand but we are putting pieces together 🔍

[caffeinatedopossum]

Ed recovery with autism and adhd is so weird.

Like I'll either forget to eat lunch entirely or I'll forget when I ate last and end up eating lunch 3 seperate times instead.

Then sometimes I have to literally ask my girlfriend if I'm hungry because I don't fucking know what my body is feeling ever and she's usually like "Yeah you should eat".

Then when I go to prepare food it's like:

Me: okay body so how much food do you want

Body: hm...m... food...?

Me: yes food. But HOW MUCH

Body: uhh... s e v e r a l

Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

And then I end up making too much for me to eat (thank God I'm allowed to not eat all of my food now- I hated that rule so much growing up) but its still so goddamn confusing skgjfjfhff

#wrong #anyway im incredibly thankful for my girlfriend who is so so patient and supportive #the amount of help and support i never realized i need is actually insane #like i genuinely cant function without help because of my autism (and adhd to a lesser degree) #idk its just really nice to not only have help but not feel like i should be ashamed of needing it either #oof i forgot the other thing that happens when i make food is that i prepare it and then by the time its done cooking #i dont even want it anymore -_- like wtf? i literally was JUST hungry #or i wont feel hungry but then as soon as i go to bed and cant make food because everyones asleep #and the lights are all off and im all cozy and sleepy #THEN im starving. my body has the worst timing ever sometimes istg #still not as bad as before recovery though #ive just elected to be a lot more patient with myself #i used to compare my recovery to other peoples never understanding what i was doing #but the truth of the matter was those people i was comparing myself to #had only had eds for like 2-5 years. which is still bad of course but its not applicable to my scenario #they were also neurotypical and cisgender which i also couldnt relate to #the thing is i never learned how to eat properly. before my ed i still wasnt eating enough #because my parents were neglecting me #i only know hunger and i never learned how to eat properly or what being nourished feels like #that means i have to not only relearn things but learn them entirely for the first time #i have to learn what hunger feels like and what being full feels like and when it is and isnt ok to skip a snack #its just really hard learning these things for the first time ar 20 years old #and once i acknowledged that- that it was really hard for me- i think i felt a lot of relief #like im struggling but it makes sense that i am and i wont always feel like thia #one day i will heal. i just needed a little help

[orcelito]

So today went pretty great tbh. Piercing downsizing went fine (it's healing great apparently), and then I went to the art fair! I mostly just walked around and bought things that caught my eye. Supporting local artists!

The fav things I got where this bracelet:

Which I saw and INSTANTLY knew I needed to get. Bc turtle item and Also my fav color (I was hilariously wearing almost the exact same shade tank top. I am a cartoon character.) Handmade and so nice...

And these coasters!!!! Which I've been needing new ones, so I saw these and was like "oh BOY new coasters!" Funny thing about this stand is that when I was looking at the coasters of artist mentioned how a few designs had matching light switch covers... pointed at the pink ones, then looked at me and was like "...though you don't really look like much of a pink person" like lmfao I was CLOCKED. and sure enough I bought the black and white set. I do not regret this at all.

#speculation nation #supporting local artists!!!!! i LOVE art fairs!!!!! #at one stand this lady complimented my boots :') which r my normal black boots i Always wear when im not at work #but it feels nice for them to be noticed! #though i kind of twisted my ankle walking into the fair 😭 it got better enough to walk on so i was fine the rest of the day #but it's a little achey now. it doesnt like it when i crouch. #so im just trying to take it easy with it :p ankles r so stupid sometimes i swear #but YEA and then i came home and made some tuna pasta and did a bit of cleaning. #a productive day. and now it is 9 pm and i am Sleepy....... #alas. i wanted to work on writing. but i dont think that's gonna work out tonight....... oh well

[mwagneto]

okay google how do i move out of eastern europe but stay in the eu but go somewhere i speak the language but somewhere that has healthcare and somewhere where i dont need to become a construction worker and also somewhere that is not germany. thanks

#i wanna go to aotearoa I've always wanted to but it's so FAR AWAY. also i need somewhere cold also i #love authentic gothic buildings too much to leave europe. but omfggggg #like it's truly so. i dont want to move somewhere where english isnt a main language but the #uk is out and ireland is unlikely and canada is just somewhat nicer french usa and nz is 4 days travel away. blows up #whatever i have 4 semesters of uni left to think about it. it just feels like im #hurtling full speed at the inevitability of living the rest of my life in Germany #i dont want to live in germany idek why but im sooo. like omg nooo 😭😭😭 #partly because it's such a cliché but also coz it's such a vacation country for me like we #went there for vacation like. unironically at least 3 times every single year #insert joke abt *getting back at the 10000000000 german tourists that come to hungary every day* that I'm too sleepy to make #it's so . like i used to have a specific goal in mind (uk ☹️) but then SOMEONE had to go and leave the eu #and also the uk sucks fat shit like csöbörből vödörbe omg. but now i have no #real goal so im just drifting w the vague knowledge that any second now I'll have to pack all my #shit up and escape before it's too late. but where 😀😀😀 #i have no qualms abt leaving my f*mily behind but I'll miss budapest #and if i left Europe I'd miss it too especially coz even canada feels really far let alone nz which yknow. 3-4 days of travel #it's the lack of goals that's killing me like OMFGG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK HARD AND #STRIVE FOR SMTG WHEN I HAVE NOTHING SPECIFIC IN MIND... #i mean ''get the fuck out'' is something but it's not Enough. i need to be insane about a #place that's accessible. all the cities/locations im crazy about are inaccessible for one reason or another #bristol and wales are in the uk. nz is on the exact opposite side of the planet. life so sad. #canada is the most likely one honestly but like omgggg. godddddjfdnffnfjfmmf #they should invent a budapest that's not in hungary. they should invent a hungary that isn't comically awful #barking #ok to rb #eastern europe #like im fluent in 3 languages and i can get by in like 10 other ones i Could brush up on any language relatively quickly if it came to that #but it's like. 1. I'd have to pick a location 2. learning a new language also means #getting an entire new personality as well which yknow. idk if i have the capacity for another one rn #i should just become fluent in the ones im somewhat good at but idk which to pick

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[sunnidear]

rambling (deeply unserious tw)

ough there is just something so frustrating about how people write jealousy. there is something so frustrating about how an emotion derived from insecurity is played out as another person's fault. there's such just. a lack of anything interesting when people write it. if you're insecure about someone interacting with someone or someThing you claim to love then i'm going to assume you don't want to "love" at all but want to Own. and that in itself is an interesting concept conceptually ngl but that's not what i'm talking abt so who cares 🫶🏾

i see it all the time in fanfics and it's boring and lacks depth there all on its own– but at least it's. yk. a fanfic and no one really gives a fuck because it is never that serious. but then i see how people genuinely react to things like liking the same character or the same media and it's like. oh my god you fr live like this. you actually think love is an act of ownership. you actually are so boring you desperately need something Unique about yourself to cling to and so you decide to fucking gatekeep the act of loving something with everything you have. insaneeee

and!!! because i self ship i see this a lot (NOT calling out people who don't like sharing, if you clearly communicate your boundaries you're doing the right thing) and it's not even a matter of being okay with sharing things it's a matter of being Okay with the existence of someone and YOUR existence at the same time. how is it you cannot manage the idea of experiencing different perspectives?? how do you just fucking deprive yourself of that??? there's such a focus on "mine mine mine" that it just fucking implodes on itself and there's no...depth.

#i witnessed another ooc fanfic and i was already thinking about how boring people write such a complex emotion #and then that fic just completely broke me like YALL REALLY LIVE LIKE THIS?? #ouhh im too sleepy to articulate my thoughts properly but the point is i dont think people manage their feelings well #i think jealousy has been glamorized to be this Thing that is immediately resolved with guilt and apologies when that's not how it works #and then i see it happen irl. i experience it irl. and it solves fucking nothing #im making a callout post for a fucking emotion LMAO #just ough just realize things are never that serious come on come onnnn #maybeee deleting later cus im tired and i dont think im making sense #☆.sunni squeaks #okay gn thats enough thinking. tucks everyone in

[xamaxenta]

Thinking about someone i blocked that bothered me for about two monthsish last year bc they kept messsging me underhanded or backhanded comments abt literally anything i did on this site, specifically they liked to attack my lack of understanding of the basics of art and that i clearly didnt study the classics enough (??? What are those? This is subjective?) and i wonder if they’re happier this year i gotta commend them for not doing this behind anon, ballsy tbh but unwarranted

#xam ponders #new tag for meaningless stuff thats not edgy like xam scream or whatever #that person was . odd #im not in any of this art hobby to study shit #i look consume learn like that apply it next time if i remember #they tried to pass it off as constructive criticism but the thing is is i never asked for any i know im not amazing at this but i do #want to have fun #idk that interaction definitely. fucked with me mentally for a while and now i feel safe enough to just unload it a bit #bc this place is my unhealthy venting dumping ground #block xam scream or xam ponders if u dont wanna see me complaining all the time ha #im sleepy but i just thought about this and how i felt abt it back then vs now #sucks that it left such a impact i do this for free and the stuff i do sell i will always try go bring my a game #foolish to dwell on negative comments? yes probably but its never easy to forget negative comments yknow