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#i dont like using that word but words are difficult for me atm ok
captainpangolin · 3 years
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LOVE the fact that my mom, aunt, and brother ganged up on me and just said that there is absolutely ✨nothing✨ wrong with me because I dont have hyperactivity so it's not possible I have adhd. Bruh it might not be that, but I would rather know than not know?? Also, I've seen a lot of people talk about adhd and their experience and symptoms and I relate to almost all of them. Like... A scary amount. That's why I think I have adhd/add. It might not be it though, it might be something else, but I want to be absolutely sure about it and not be talked down to by a brother who says he's there for me but turns around and gets mad at me for being myself, a mom who isnt even around me for long enough to actually know what's going on in my head and makes snap judgments and is on the whole very dismissive of everyone, and a catty aunt I can barely maintain conversation with on account of the fact we've hardly ever seen each other outside of old photos and quick hellos at a wedding and get-togethers, and who, by the way, is someone who works with kids, and should be able to tell when a kid isnt feeling their best. I may not experience every last thing, but I'm going fucking crazy because no one takes me fucking seriously. So I'm sorry for being able to hide myself just well enough and for being just fine enough to be considered normal. I would rather know, jesus fucking christ, why is that so fucking hard to get?!
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8eht · 6 years
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Y, H, and C 💗💗
c: what member do you identify with most?
im sure u already know asfkhsaf but its minghao. thats one of the reasons why i enjoy writing him so much. other than i just love him a whole lot. to me, i feel like he is an extremely emotional person but also likes to hide those parts of him?? he said that he used to cry a lot but didn’t want any of the members to know abt it, but once he became closer to them he began to allow himself to express his feelings more openly. and like wow. i feel that so hard. i know i am queen of being dramatic on here but i have a hard time expressing emotions to ppl irl unless ive done it before
i also have this ideal of him that hes so genuine and truly compassionate, but also has a short-temper and gets frustrated easily?? (i had written angry at first, but think maybe frustrated is a better word here.) obviously i dont know this for sure bc i dont know him. but either way i feel as tho he has so many different parts of him and that hes generally such a complex person and thats both really fun to write, and also makes it easy for me to relate to him. im not calling myself complex in a positive or endearing way like it is for him asfkahfska. bc i never am able to let ppl close to me or let them try to understand me i guess ??? and i always feel empty and unfulfilled. i wonder if he feels the same way and i hope he doesn’t, but its likely. 
and then there are more shallow reasons we are similar like fashion style and how he seems to love dogs and mostly how we can both be a lil pretentious asfhjasfj
h: how would you describe your style?
describing my own style is really difficult ??? i like to use choppy and fragmented sentences bc i feel like its such a wonderful technique to use when u want to express strong emotions. i dont even know why i link emotion (esp negative) w fragments but yet here we are. not to sound dramatic but i feel like using short phrases or sentence, and esp broken ones, gives readers a sense of anxiety or intensity?? whether its positive or negative. this could literally only be a me thing and it might not mean anything to anyone else safahfa
i use a lot (maybe too much?? i dont find it possible but i know some do) detail. i just have an exact image in my head and try to put it into words as perfectly as i can. i actually dont feel like i use enough detail and its something im working on. i have improved a lot since i really started writing fic in november. my work from nov is actually pretty embarrassing to me in a way?? 
i also feel like i can overdo it with metaphors. but gosh !! i just really want the feelings of the characters to exude from the words. i aim for my writing to come off as somewhat poetic and lyrical as pretentious as it sounds fasjgfajshgfasfg. whether or not it does, however, is beyond me. but im trying here ok
that also reminds me. i dont really believe in grammar rules??? which sounds absurd. but i cant get on board with the belief that ur writing should be put inside this box of rules and certain expectations. sometimes i fear ppl will think im a bad writer bc of it but idk i just think it makes ur writing more unique and expressive so w/e
y: a character you want to protect.
all of them??? but specifically minghao, jun, mingyu, and seokmin. also vernon. asfkjah omg there are so many but like. i love them all so much??? but atm its rly minghao, jun, n mingyu. i do them so dirty but i try/will try to make things all right eventually?? or who knows. i always stray away from wut i first had planned, so if i ever give someone a shitty time i promise i love them and want to protect them irl and i feel bad abt it safahjsfa
but mostly minghao and jun bc i put them through a lot n im sorry sakfhas
ask me more fanfic q’s!!!!
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baeyungmin · 6 years
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 Just a little angry at this stupid essay. Read more if you want to get to know me better. to those who read it, you might be included!
I am writing this dumb fucking essay for the last time. 
Can’t write a thesis for the life of me because I qualify everything.
Writing about my mother’s personal diaspora. 
I’m unable to separate my own seemingly awful childhood from her’s and how her inability affected my view of the world.
Which isn’t right of me, should really be owning up my own shortcomings, even though I truly believe in part those bad parts of her won’t become dislodged without proper communication.
Becoming particularly agitated.
Today in class, there was a talk of integrity.
To most, it was an understandable exercise of knowing oneself. 
Witnesses some friends voicing their opinions.
One optimistic and open to people’s mistakes, almost enabling the wrongdoings of people who clearly have a choice and make them. Her dogma was threatened to the point where she had to speak out against negative propoganda. She is hopeful.
Another who was very aware of this machination, informed her that her bent was quite agreeably misguided considering it deflects accountability but worded to avoid further mishap. He said she can be hopeful and still responsible.
A response to that was a very familiar pessimistic view that aligned with mine of self-loathing and loathing of others, understandably responding to the sterile direction. Which I completely understand, but is still quite sad. Overall nihilistic that makes complete sense to me, but more often when I am feeling low. “ I hate everyone because they don’t hate themselves as much as they should. They should hate themselves so that this won’t be a problem.”
honestly, all three are fine. these are all OK opinions. 
Recently got in a fight, realized some things are best not voiced.
I can’t help but feel the antithesis; I feel particularly strong when I don’t feel understood. 
If I am upset, I should probably express it.
I should probably express it in a healthy way. With direction, intent to express, and with an end in mind. I probaly shouldn’t just withold despite the easyness of it all. 
My own perception of my mother’s own blind optimism is muddling all my current approaches. Having a difficult time just writing this dumb fucking essay.
All of this is fine, it really is. But thinking about it, i think I have to admit, my vision towards women is skewed. Of course there is wisdom that I struggle to learn from them, but I’m finding it difficult to know whether it’s a better direction I’m moving. 
My own mother is passive with her aggression, and not at all understanding of the other. Only in terms of emotion. “i have no idea what you are mad about, but I can see you are visibly upset, and that is upsetting to me, and i dont want you to be upset, so let’s forget about it and be happy. o don’t try and ask me to try to understand you, I can’t handle this negative energy, and i won’t make an effort to be able to echo what you are expressing. Let’s just be OK.”
this to me is the most frustrating thing. I would like “you are upset. that’s OK. be upset. What is upsetting you? Let me check with you that I know what you are saying. OK, did I reiterate it right? OK well, rn I can only do this and this, and maybe try to make u laugh, but u can still be upset. Hope u feel better, I’m here 4 u.” Probably diffuse me, and later I’ll be fine at least knowing she didnt try to quash bad vibes.
and she will never know. And that’s fine, it’s history. But I can’t help but feel me needing to dumb myself down to grow. It’s repeating and I don’t want to quash the way I used to, and I don’t know if it’s going to help me grow. 
I really think I feel so fucking dumb when someone else refuses to make sense. SO all I can do is state it like a passive fuck because right now, the essay is reigniting old frustrations and memories of passivity never addressed.
sorry I am stooping low here because i can’t withold atm. Will probably apologize for my weakness later. Will probably stay quiet and stoic and just take it up the ass later.
I want to hope we can all work it out in the future. I want to put in the effort, but I do not want to simply quash my frustrations because of another’s idiocy.
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saintkimora · 7 years
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well here is how my past 3-5 dates w joel have gone this past week
so! ive been spending the night w him p much every other night. so our 4th date was like 8 days ago. i got there and i THOUGHT we were gonna be in his room again but we were in his room for 2 seconds then he came in like “oh btw my roommates are making us go in the living room and be social” so i was like ..................................................rip i was like here i go its time for the caleb and leeann applebees date 2.0 :/ so we went in to the living room and it was with marissa and lindsey bc his other roommate was out. so everyone was like wtf are we gonna do so after some talking joel decided we would all watch the babadook on netflix since we were talking about the meme and most of us hadnt seen it. i hate scary movies but i figured i could get through it since i had joel to hold on to and since the babadook is like a meme now. so yeah it was fine i got along ok w the roommates and the movie wasnt that scary except for one part. there was one point where i felt like i was starting to shut down a little and i was feeling bad about possibly ruining things again but i asked joel afterwards and he didnt even notice lmao so i dont think it was as bad as i thought
lindsey went to bed halfway through the movie so it was just me joel and marissa by the end. after the movie marissa went into her room and joel and i went back to his room. idk if this next part happened at this point or if it happened on our next date bc its hard for me to keep the timeline straight since it all happens so fast lol so regardless of what day it was this was the next significant thing that happened w me and joel
so i was watching him play overwatch or something and his brother called him on the phone and they had a long conversation about joels financial situation while i was just sitting there lol. so afterwards joel put his head in my lap and explained all his problems to me about how hes so stressed out with money and stuff. and like obv i felt really bad for him bc that sucks. BUT i actually kinda liked it bc i liked how vulnerable and genuine he was being! it made me feel a lot closer to him. then we watched these olds 80s (?) game shows w his head still in my lap (one of them was like some knockoff of snatch game but w regular celebrities instead of drag queens omg) and he had the FUNNIEST commentary about all the old commercials and stuff lol i havent laughed that hard in a LONG time so it was really nice
and idk if this happened that night or the babadook night but i ate his ass again and once again it was a religious experience like his ass is SOOOOOOOO nice i still cant get over it lmao
so then fast forward to the next 2 days later and for whatever reason joel and i werent planning on meeting that night. but he texted me at like 2am telling me he was feeling kinda down about things and how he wished i was there w him rn so i decided to go visit him! and like he kept being like “i dont wanna bother you/i feel bad about always making you come all the way out here for me” and how he wasnt used to guys putting in so much effort and caring about him so much and like...it really wasnt that serious like it wasnt a hindrance to me at all bc i wanted to see him anyways lol but it did make me feel kinda bad for him bc like his old bfs must have been real flops for him to view me just doing decent bf things as like these grand gestures. i have more to say on this but it will be towards the end of the post
so yeah i showered and got there by like 3am. he set up his futon since it was bigger than his bed so we would have more room. and he talked to me about how stressed he was about money and medical school applications and how he felt kinda worthless so i listened to him and comforted him and all that stuff. then we watched the rpdr reunion together and it was SO much fun omg he was shook p much the whole time since it was so iconic. then we went to sleep since i had work in the morning
also like the night after that we were texting and i told him i was really tired and he was like but youre never tired and i was like ya but i had 2 full days of work and i barely got any sleep last night (which was bc i was awake w him until like 5am) and i realized afterwards that it was kinda mean of me to say it bc to me i was just explaining why i was tired but he was already feeling like a burden making me drive all the way there and comfort him so telling him how tired i was probably made him feel bad about asking me for comfort which is NOT how i want him to feel bc i want him to be able to request my help whenever he needs it. so i could tell he was kinda caught off guard by me saying it so i called him and apologized and we cleared it all up. anyways it was just nice to actually call him and discuss the issue and resolve it without any drama. and he said it meant a lot that i even called him to make sure he was feeling ok so it seems that at least i did something right 
there was the next date which was pretty much the same as usual. this time i watched him play diablo 3. but this time we also fooled around and he made me cum and then i was trying to make him cum but i fell asleep bc i was so tired asfnkjashdasna i felt SOOOOOOOOO bad when i woke up that morning :( i apologized and he said it was fine and he was tired too but i still felt bad about it
so then last night/this morning was our most recent date. when i got there a friend of him/his roommates named chris was using his room bc he was playing overwatch so i had to hang out w joel marissa and lindsey in the living room. it was extremely nerve wracking and i was sweating like crazy but i tried to hide my nervousness and socialize. lindsey and marissa seem to like me esp bc i brought joel a gift that day (hes like obsessed w friends and i saw a friends t shirt when i was shopping that day so i got it for him lol) also lindsey is iconic bc she is so wacky shes always getting on the floor and doing weird poses and moves and stunts. and marissa is p funny so i like them both. but still having to talk to them was stressful even though theyre both really nice. lindsey walked into joels room later that night when he was laying down and i was sitting on top of him and said she wanted to join and then later when joel was in the kitchen she came in the doorway and asked if i could be her boyfriend asfjkafndsjnkajs now THIS is a cracked queen
so the rest of the night was nice! we watched like 3 drag race s5 eps on amazon video and we did lots of cuddling and stuff as usual. then we went to bed and we woke up and we fooled around and we BOTH came this time. it was difficult for me trying to get him to cum but i had to power through it bc i had to redeem myself after last time. then i watched him play overwatch and then i watched him play destiny. i really enjoyed it! like i was sitting there cuddling a cute guy and watching him play videogames w both of us shirtless like that is literally all i want and i finally have it!
so yeah! its going really well w joel at the moment. we get along really well and i like his sense of humor and its nice having someone w similar interests to mine! and i love playing w his hair and touching his nice soft belly and his thick thighs and playing w his beard. and i looooooooooooooooooooovvvveeeeeee his voice so much omg the way he says certain words is so cute and hes always making cute weird noises and its super endearing. and i LOVE love love being able to cuddle w someone until we both fall asleep and then waking up together! its so nice 
he doesnt seem to be losing interest in me yet which is good. however this is the issue that i mentioned earlier that i would come back to. so hes constantly telling me about how hes not used to being w someone that puts in so much effort and treats him so well. so that got me thinking. like...obv he likes me at least a little but i have a feeling he might like me a lot more rn bc he isnt used to being treated so nicely. so like, after the initial novelty of being treated like this wears off im afraid he’ll realize he doesnt actually like me that much (like if it ends up being more of a he likes the way i make him feel more than he actually likes me as a person). so im kinda worried about that but im hoping it doesnt happen obv and that he continues to like me. and again. we’ve been in somewhat social situations together now since i had to talk to his 2 roommates but it really wasnt easy for me at all. and we still havent actually gone “out” and done something, like going out to eat or attending a function together or something. so i still have to wait and see how we’re able to interact in those situations before i can determine whether our relationship will work out. im also still too nervous to eat in front of him so whenever he asks if im hungry i lie and say no even though majority of the time i am actually really hungry :/ rip
so yeah thats p much it! its pretty nice atm, except for the issues i just mentioned. also last night joel told me that one of his hookup buddies was back in town the other day and texted him but he had to turn him down and tell him that he is with someone now (me) so that was nice to know! since he seems to view us as exclusive now. we still havent officially decided we are in a relationship but im really in no rush to do that since its only been like a week and a half so i want to continue getting to know him and stuff. i still do feel that he is gonna lose interest at some point but rn it seems that will be later rather than sooner so i am just trying to take it day by day. im also worried about greece since ill be gone for a month so it is very possible that he might meet someone else that he likes more during that time which would really suck. but im kinda just operating on the assumption that its what is gonna happen that way if it does happen i wont be too shocked and if it doesnt happen ill be pleasantly surprised
so yeah thats it, overall its going really well and im having a lot of fun with him! hopefully things continue on this path and we get even closer bc i really like him so far
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celestialallstars · 5 years
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Episode #5: “Every party is a pitbull party when I'm around” - Chloe
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Honestly? I hope Sharky understands that all of it clearly was gamewise. I didn't care about his level of activity, but I cared about my game and unfortunately he was not apart of it. Having that out of the way, I want to use this next immunity to have a little bit more control for my game!
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omg sharky left im sad 2 pots back to back although my pots is always gonna be brian <3 but yaa this so sad i wanted him to stay but votes werent there hes prob pressed but also like not my fault he was not as active i mean mitch isnt either but if sharky talked more hed be here know that
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Zzzzz classic celestial double tribal. I bet we swap again at 15 and keep 3 tribes. AM I WRONG ANNA? AM I???? I’m just praying we win bc I, again, really don’t want to have to choose between Michael and drew. It’s just not FAIR to send either of them home rn but even though I know I’m safe with this majority I still want to be immune, and just pray I don’t get fucked by a swap here. If I can hit merge, I’ll be in good shape I think. Just gotta get there
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DONT STOP THE PARTY. Every party is a pitbull party when I'm around
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Chris seems very loyal to me So to have Bryce and Chris not willing to turn against me is going to bode really well for my long-term game I don't mind booting Stephen if we lose but I think I might be able to keep him If it will be good for me to have the thing with Mitch and Stephen at merge But the thing is, Tuatha would have to win immunity for it to be worth it to keep Stephen Because if they lose then Mitch is going to go, and what use is Stephen without Mitch?
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WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON PLAYING LIKE THEY CANT CLEAN AFTER THEMSELVES? Kori slips his alliances, Stephen leaks his alliances, Rhys and Jared want Stephen out while Stephen wants Mitch to be used to go for Bryce and Kori despite all of these people being in an alliance together, Michael is asking for my hand in marriage, Chloe feels hopeless like me, Zach himself is a mess, Loris an even bigger mess yet I like them, Drew probably is ready to puzzle me and Loris out the door, Jack and Alyssa are problematically beautiful, Bodhi is just here, and Mo is going to kill us all with kindness.
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So now I'm gonna see if I can save Stephen since him going can hurt me a little. It's becoming clear to me that Loris talks to Rhys or Jared or maybe even Stephen but honestly? If Stephen is only saying Bryce and Kori's name then why not keep him and make him THINK that everyone is not onto him and them save him for later? Honestly even use him to take a shot at Bryce and Kori if all of them wanna but to take him out now even despite his problematic ways seems short shortsighted...at least I'm gonna try to get them to feel that way! Itll start by convincing Jared to convince  Rhys they should wait
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So let's see it's about half an hour before the challenge is due. Sharky went home as was according to plan. 5-1 no surprises or anything. Immediately Anna slaps us in the face with her dick and we're face to face with a Double Tribal Challenge.
Would've probably done better if it was Sunday instead of Monday but unfortunately work got in the way and there really just isn't much I could do bout that. I'm HOPING we somehow pulled out a win. There's several elements where I'm thinking we probably got last but we also might've lucked out. To be quite honest, I'm not optimistic in the least. But I want to hold out hope that our luck will somehow turn out.
Everyone in this game is so good at challenges so it really takes some crazy stuff to pull things out. I also feel like I might be playing just slightly too relaxed on the social-strategic front, but there also hasn't been much to do other than try to maybe build bonds with people and try to be nice/likable. Most of the time when I'm at tribal the thing I want has tended to be the simplest and easiest thing to do for me.
Anyway, time to start my prayer to hopefully win this challenge and not get dicked by AnnaJane.
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I'm kinda having this subtle realization that I'm in this alone. Which sounds obvious but like I don't know. As soon as I found out we lost I had this mindset of "Well just gotta hope the others choose to spare me." but bitch that's my fate I wanna choose what happens to it. So that's what I'm gonna try to do.
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WE ARENT GOING TO THE DOUBLE TRIBAL BABY AND FOR THAT IM GRATEFUL. When I initially saw that the challenge was all flash games i was freaking. Im usually not the best at flash games, but i really stepped it up and won my portion of the challenge. I hope and think Jared and Stephen will be fine, so I am hoping we swap after this. If we dont, then it might be crazy if we go back to tribal. Loris wants to blindside Kori but idk if that is the best move for me.
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So since we're one of the two tribes going to tribal we're currently in that phase of "fuck what do we do." and I'm gonna be honest its only a matter of who grabs the reins first and usually to see who is okay with said person driving. So I took it upon myself to grab those reins because if everyone's just sitting waiting I feel like my name has a chance of coming up. So instead of sitting and waiting for something that may not even happen, why not try to make something happen. So I threw out Stephen's name to Zach knowing that they have a "history" with the whole idol situation. Zach said he'd be fine with that, then I'm like going to Rhys like "Ok so it wasn't technically a name drop but I have heard Stephen's name" and Rhys was like "oh yeah I get that because he doesn't talk often." so I'm like yeah I'm thinking that too. This has such a high chance of turning around against me but if this does work I'm not gonna be able to do shit for a while without looking like a threat. Also if this does work I'm gonna feel like such a suave bitch, like oooh. Goat? Idk her... I'm gonna be eliminated.
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God this fucking sucks. Real Sophie’s Choice moment here picking between Drew and Michael I don’t want to vote either of them out but also I’m not turning on Matt/Alyssa/Bodhi. Drew messaged me last night saying he didn’t want to go like this and it just killed me. I really don’t know what to do
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Since we lost the challenge, campaign season has begun on Orfeo. The first 2 people I talked to were Jared and Zach. I suggested Mo as the easy vote since he's isolated original-tribewise and didn't perform well in the challenge, and Jared agreed immediately.
Zach was, in his own words, wishy-washy. I really don't like wishy-washy players at this stage of the game. It makes a bit more sense at merge or at the very beginning but if I'm gonna flip on Jared or Rhys at some point I want somewhere solid to land, Zach, Mo, and Chloe don't appear to be the players I'd want to make that jump with. They don't talk openly about game which makes it difficult to trust them.
Rhys also seemed okay with this plan but he was drunk last night so who knows LMAO. My conversations with Mo and Chloe were essentially meaningless. All I got from them was this deal that they'd tell me if I heard their name and likewise for them. Maybe they have an alternative and don't think they have to talk game with me. I do think I'm gonna try and play it safe for this vote and just push for voting Mo with Jared and Rhys. Hopefully the trust between us stays strong.
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♪ I’m almost confident this will backfire and I will be eliminated~ ♪
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So we lost this double tribal. Which low-key is probably good. Because were not gonna be on these tribes forever. So its good to cement some form of alliance from it.
It seems like its either Mo or Stepehen going tonight so that's good. There is pros and cons to both. Mo is from a different tribe and is more social to me. I feel like Mo wont be dis loyal so he would be a great ally. It would also show that I'm willing to work with other people moving forward, opening more doors. However in doing so, I may be closing a door on my old alliance of 5. So yes I am scared.
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Right now I’m a bottom on the bottom so I’m gonna have to push it push it real good to flip some votes onto bodhi, I have a pretty good relationship with Alyssa and me and Matt have been in cahoots all game, but this is all stars and if I have to turn on Drew I’m not holding back I am not going home tonight, tomorrow or ever. I just can’t go!
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So after I talked to Jared last night I proposed the big alliance idea to Zach without asserting I wanted it. Leaving it up in the air could make him less likely to think I'm pushing it. SO while that is going on, Jared filled me in on Rhys' anti-Steph brigade but it sounds like they may cave to voting Mo. ON TOP OF IT ALL, Kori and Bryce literally were saying they'd like a Tuatha-Orfeo alliance which coincidentally coincides with the big alliance? Huh. But if they're genuine then this has A LOT of potential.
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I do feel like I'm playing messy but I told myself I'd play a little different if it meant increasing my odds. I wont try getting too hopeful just yet. Now I've told Steph that BK wama have our tribes work together and this left Steph reiterating how it sets us up nicely that nobody suspects us. I truly feel people will suspect Loris/Steph before me/Steph but still I know me and him are close so if we can last long enough to play legit together, it will be amazing. Woooo go friends
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so we r at tribal again, love that for us! 3rd one of the season, thus making all OG Cyrena having been to the most tribal councils. I did pretty poorly on the challenge, but as did multiple others its no big deal. I'm pretty shit at winning immunity anyway so its ok.
I feel like i am in a similar position as with last time i played. I'm clearly very weak socially (and admit it, ive been MUCH busier than i thought i was going to be since university has started) and have a tight 3 who all are like pretty close together, and have multiple advantages. So im being very loyal atm. just quieter than i would like. I find some of these ppl v.boring tho and you can tell some are just doing the rounds to keep face so they can't be accused of a bad social game LOL. Sharky also left last round which makes me SO sad UGH. MY ONE TRUE LOVE, KILLED TRAGICALLY BEFORE WE COULD BE REUNITED. Its like romeo and juliet, only with a gay and a straight and the gay got stoned to death by evil people. fucking RUDE.
This vote tho... its.... interesting. Maybe i WILL shove my head in the sand, get wildly drunk and just ignore everything that is going on. sounds much better tbh. I feel like a warrior ant, just being told what to do, no matter what is going on. Alyssa is genuinely looking out for me however, and wants bodhi gone as we still have 2 big shields due to the lovely meta game as both are known to be big players. Both will go along with it as well, as it saves their skin (drew and michael). Not sure how Jack is going to take it because i can't tell their connection together, mainly cause bodhi and I barely have one. and i think that is the issue. I don't know him well enough so i don't really care about him being voted off (its better tho tbh cause i genuinely like and care about michael and drew, lets be real matthew.) not sure if its a timezone thing or just my sheer laziness and lack of social game, i am unsure.
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omfg im immune at double tribal. im coming 15th again tho. i hope not. idk. like. i think ill be fine even if we swap..... like. i think im good with quite a few people? despite the fact ive disappeared this week ok yeah that's true i think i'm wrong. we'll see :sob:
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Do I want to keep Drew and Michael? Absolutely. Does that mean I'm okay with Bodhi going? Fuck no. Bodhi is loyal to me, Bodhi will not turn on me, Bodhi is not a threat to me. But Bodhi is threatening to Alyssa and Matt and they're my closest allies and they want to keep Drew and Michael and now we're blindsiding Bodhi because tribal lines DON'T FUCKING MATTER. I mean don't get me wrong, fuck tribal lines I'm so game to throw that shit in the fire but like, it's not the best move for me. Hopefully this bodes (bodhis haha punny) for me.
Ok now that I think about it going into a merge with less original numbers is actually good for us so maybe this isn't the worst. Idk I just feel bad I really wanted to work with Bodhi and now I basically have to cut him because it's majority on him either way and my allies don't trust him. Sucks man but it's allstars.
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It's really next level that I am was able to
1. Keep the vote on Mo (Rhys campaigned against Stephen, and Bryce confirmed to me that Rhys wanted Stephen out) 2. Make Chris feel like he convinced me, and that I'm doing it for him and I, when mostly it's for me and partially for Bryce 3. Secure Zach's loyalty this round (calling with him and talking about game and non-game related things to re-establish our great rapport) 4. Keep Stephen in the dark about Rhys targeting him so that I can use that information for later
And this was all without much time on my hands.
Tribe Trust List 1. Chloe 2. Zach 3. Rhys 4. Stephen 5. Mo
Master Trust List 1. Bryce 2. Chris 3. Chloe 4. Mitch 5. Zach 6. Rhys 7. Stephen 8. Loris 9. Kori 10. Mo 11. Alyssa 12. Michael 13. Bodhi 14. Drew 15. Matt 16. Jack
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god i hate this like no one ever wants to do what i want to do why do i have to be a brat every game. like its not like i want to its just ppl refuse to listen to what i want so yes ofc im gonna act out??? UGH
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I guess I am about to find out if possible change is needed for my game or not moving forward. I can hope for a million things but all it takes is one to make it all hopeless
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So some new information has come to me today. Chris has been approached by Kori with the idea of forming some kind of Tuatha/Orfeo Alliance. This is sort of what I wanted to do already but the fact that other people are proposing it is just great for me.
This just adds another reason to vote Mo out. He's original Cyrena and could become a part of a resistance to this group once merge hits. I'm personally pulling for this alliance to be made. It just brings me one step closer to the end and unites my major allies (Chris, Mitch, Jared, Kori) under a single flag.
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ANNNNNND There's been some drama on the old Orfeo tribe! Mo admitted to me that he's tried to vote me out, but due to the fact that people aren't talking to him, he now thinks the vote has switched to him, which is, hopefully, correct. If Mo had made a proposal like this to me right after we lost the challenge or before, I would've had to think about it, but as it stands, he's one person who has seriously thrown my name out there. I can't let that slide.
So, I devised a plan.
Step 1: Lie
How DARE Mo throw my name out there? I would never do something like that to him! Except I did, to everyone on the tribe, whoops. It's okay though, I lied and said Rhys did it, and I think he believed me.
Step 2: Join the resistance
Mo wants to get Rhys out, great. I'm happy it's not me. But that's a bad and unrealistic idea. SO I told him that in order to get a 3rd person willing to tie with us, we should target Chloe instead, and aim to recruit Jared.
Step 3: Recruitment
Now me and Mo are trying to recruit Jared one hour before tribal council. Except, not really. It's just Mo. I've told Jared about my plan to get Mo's vote off of me and he's in on it. Now, Jared can tell Mo the truth, or lie, and it doesn't really matter. Mo seems to feel too guilty to vote for me at this point. So mission accomplished.
Villains DO have more fun, don't they?
(I'm gonna look like such a dumb jackass if this plan doesn't work whoop, but oh well, I managed to fit one contrived plan into my time on All-Stars, so it's worth it!)
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So right now I’m very nervous about this vote because even though people have said I’m safe I know bodhi is voting for me and he might just have an idol so like that’s my worry of getting idolled out lollll but uh I’m pretty worried about tonight so worried I might just throw my vote onto Drew and really protect myself and give me at least a little chance of staying due to an idol but who knows!
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I think this is my last day which makes me incredibly sad. I feel like a failure if I’m being honest. There’s a slim chance I’ll stay. I had such a fun time playing.
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I was destined to be an early boot
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Update:
So I can't use Rhys campaigning against Stephen this round as effectively.
Stephen knows his name was thrown out by Mo, because Mo TOLD him. Then Mo made a pitch to Stephen to work together, and Stephen told Mo that I might vote Chloe.
Long-story-short, it was just a ploy by Stephen to get Mo's vote off of him. I did a lil magic to make Stephen feel secure that I had his best intentions at heart, and I let Mo down easily that he is going home.
Mo was a fighter in this game and I give him all due respect. Now watch him idol me out ugh 16th looks cute on me
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YAAASSSSS we woooooooonnn! I'm so happy to be avoiding this double tribal. If I can make merge at least that'd be a dream.
I had a conversation with Bryce and Chris and they don't seem opposed to doing a sort of pagonging of the Cyrenas because we talk with them the least. I'm not sure if that'll actually be an option come merge but if it is that'd definitely help me make it deeper in this game as a majority of my connections are my OG tribe barring Clohie, Chris, Loris, Drew, and Bodhi. Honestly if more OG Cyrena's like Matt, Alyssa, Jack, and Michael found themselves going this premerge I wouldn't complain.
I'm getting real tired of missing this idol system time window like a dolt though, I've no doubt I'm gonna pay for it later. But I also did win my game without idols so it's not like I HAVE to have them. It'd just be nice to shake things up since I did wanna play differently this time.
Anywho back to celebrating! Woooooooo~
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WHY DOES MY TRIBE SUCK AT EVERYTHING....At least they're not voting me out this round. Matt tried to give me an "option" after an hour negotiation that Alyssa already said he was down for, but he wanted me to think it was coming from him. Isn't that adorable.
RIP Bodhi
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Bodhi and Mo are voted out in a double elimination.
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ajp3mbgk-blog · 5 years
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thefredizone · 7 years
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all of them? ;)
Look,,,, why do any of you take me seriously i hate you thanks xxxx this is gonna be the last well formatted section i hope u know that.  @lgbtposts here u mcfuckin go
200: My crush’s name is: probs amy but im trying for that to not be the case rn199: I was born in: Blackburn, 1999.198: I am really: fuckin cool197: My cellphone company is: EE196: My eye color is: blue195: My shoe size is: I mostly wear sixes but im actually between a 4 and a 5.5194: My ring size is: i dont fuckin know i dont even know my bra size193: My height is: see above192: I am allergic to: pollen191: My 1st car was: nonexistent190: My 1st job was: in a shop189: Last book you read: fuckin hell thats a throwback and a half. Probs The Rest Of Us Just Live Here188: My bed is: warm187: My pet: dogs186: My best friend: either Katie or Beef xx185: My favorite shampoo is: not a shampoo but Snow Fairy184: Xbox or ps3: PS4183: Piggy banks are: lame182: In my pockets: washed paper and probably a lighter181: On my calendar: who the fuck has a calendar180: Marriage is: for lame-os and i want to be a lame-o one day179: Spongebob can: go away178: My mom: is boring177: The last three songs I bought were?: probs this good robots album who pays for music. 176: Last YouTube video watched: Phils new one175: How many cousins do you have? None that i know of, my mam has loads with kids so i call them cousins but theyre some other convoluted thing174: Do you have any siblings? aye173: Are your parents divorced? aye172: Are you taller than your mom? aye171: Do you play an instrument? aye170: What did you do yesterday? fuck all, pretedned to write an essay mostly. played some overwatch[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: aye168: Luck:aye167: Fate:aye166: Yourself:nah165: Aliens: i want to believe164: Heaven: aye163: Hell: of course,, thts my life ha ha ha162: God: nah161: Horoscopes: sure 160: Soul mates: totally159: Ghosts: why not158: Gay Marriage: Comme une lesbienne, je suis partial. 157: War: what is it good for156: Orbs: why not, idk what this means tho155: Magic: nah[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses153: Drunk or High: either or, never together. rn probs high152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: Cherry Red like party mcfuckin poison i love them150: Blondes or Brunettes: probs brunette149: Hot or cold: hot148: Summer or winter: summer147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla145: Night or Day: night144: Oranges or Apples: apples143: Curly or Straight hair: straight142: McDonalds or Burger King: Mcdonalds141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: White140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heels: Heels138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Ugly and rich fo sure137: Coke or Pepsi: pespi136: Hillary or Obama: obama135: Burried or cremated: set me the fuck on fire134: Singing or Dancing: singing133: Coach or Chanel: what the fuck are those132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: idk131: Small town or Big city: city130: Wal-Mart or Target: targe129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither128: Manicure or Pedicure: get away from me,, leave my nails alone127: East Coast or West Coast: east126: Your Birthday or Christmas:christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers,, but living ones. plants. 124: Disney or Six Flags: disney123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: use your words121: George Bush: go away120: Gay Marriage: gay119: The presidential election: fuck off118: Abortion: dont want one dont mcfuckin get one117: MySpace: dead116: Reality TV: boring115: Parents: eh114: Back stabbers: bye113: Ebay: amazons shitty cousin112: Facebook: boring but i use111: Work: kill me110: My Neighbors: named their kid the same as me fuck off shouting her name109: Gas Prices: idk i dont pay attention stop using crude oil108: Designer Clothes: i cant afford that shit107: College: cool106: Sports: not cool 105: My family: eh104: The future: *screaming at the void*
[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: Rosies mam on tuesday lmao102: Last time you ate: popcorn rn101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: uh idk maybe morgan when i last saw them at lloyds?100: Cried in front of someone: probs katie during my Major Breakdown of february99: Went to a movie theater: fuckin civil war i dont go to the cinema98: Took a vacation: florida, 201497: Swam in a pool: summer 201696: Changed a diaper:never95: Got my nails done: pre-mothers wedding94: Went to a wedding:mothers wedding93: Broke a bone: never92: Got a peircing: septum in november91: Broke the law: i smoked weed a couple of weeks back90: Texted: rn[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: beef88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my bed and or dogs87: The last movie I saw: ¾ of the green mile86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: leavers85: The thing im not looking forward to: c2 on wednesday84: People call me: kyra83: The most difficult thing to do is: live82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nah81: My zodiac sign is: aquarius80: The first person i talked to today was: Amy79: First time you had a crush: i was like, 878: The one person who i can’t hide things from: beef77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: beef rn76: Right now I am talking to: ally, morgan, amy.75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be a skience74: I have/will get a job: in science73: Tomorrow: never comes72: Today: sleep71: Next Summer: screaming70: Next Weekend: get10 smashed for leavers ayyyyy69: I have these pets: 2 dog ,, revel n jack jack 68: The worst sound in the world: poorly tuned violin being played very poorly67: The person that makes me cry the most is: amy r i p 66: People that make you happy: hannah hart, beef, keg65: Last time I cried: last night64: My friends are: fuckin lovely63: My computer is: shitty62: My School: sux61: My Car: doesnt exist60: I lose all respect for people who: are bigots59: The movie I cried at was: pride58: Your hair color is:blonde ( 4 now)57: TV shows you watch: watching through friends and yoi rn. just started futurama, putting off watching greys56: Favorite web site: dont got one55: Your dream vacation: flo rida to new york gay road trip54: The worst pain I was ever in was: brace pain 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare52: My room is: grey, green and a mess51: My favorite celebrity is: hannah hart  (ilhsm)50: Where would you like to be: somewhere sunny49: Do you want children: aye48: Ever been in love: probs idk anymore i think so47: Who’s your best friend: Beef or Keg46: More guy friends or girl friends: girls45: One thing that makes you feel great is: Validation44: One person that you wish you could see right now: beef probs she could do with a hug43: Do you have a 5 year plan: bitch i dont even have a 5 minute plan42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nah41: Have you pre-named your children: nah. but i like Atlas40: Last person I got mad at: myself lol39: I would like to move to: canadia38: I wish I was a professional: science[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: skittles36: Vehicle: cool motorbikes35: President: obmam34: State visited: florida33: Cellphone provider: EE32: Athlete: a what now31: Actor: chris pratt30: Actress: uh probs scarjo dont come for me i love her voice in her ok29: Singer: Miley cyrus atm28: Band: mcr27: Clothing store: fuckin love asda me26: Grocery store: fuckin love aldi25: TV show: atm yoi24: Movie: Her23: Website: idk22: Animal: Tapir21: Theme park: Busch gardens or however the fcku you spell it20: Holiday: xmas19: Sport to watch: rugby18: Sport to play: a who now17: Magazine: i secretly love vogue16: Book: either wicdiv or killjoys15: Day of the week: saturday14: Beach: south shields13: Concert attended: fiatc,, i touched his butt12: Thing to cook: pasta11: Food: pasta10: Restaurant: deanos9: Radio station: kerrang8: Yankee candle scent: vanilla7: Perfume: theres an Alexander Mcqueen one that was designed to smell like sex but i love it anyway6: Flower: orchid5: Color: pink4: Talk show host: gotta say ellen for the lesbians3: Comedian: fight me i like jimmy car2: Dog breed: i love all doggos1: Did you answer all these truthfully? idk i think so
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