#i legit said let's not get ahead of ourselves and here i am already making gifs

[flyingfabio]

The MotoGP Unlimited Rewatch → season 1 episode 1 | [1/?]

Fabio Quartararo, Francesco Bagnaia and Joan Mir struggling to dress up before finally enjoying the fruits of their hard work.

#motogp #motogpedit #fabio quartararo #francesco bagnaia #pecco bagnaia #joan mir #motogp unlimited #motogpunlimitedrewatch #*gif #* #so here we go :) #i legit said let's not get ahead of ourselves and here i am already making gifs #this break i swear i had ENOUGH #also joan i hate you for being in a room with bad lighting

[rhaenyras]

EXTENDED LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH CHAPTER 139

ymir the founder fritz, aka the most powerful and compelling plot device that isayama could have ever employed in order to explain the origin of the titans, the inherent slavery of the eldian people, and also everything else wrong in the world, was emptied of all value and purpose when she was revealed to have loved her abuser and oppressor. her life-long struggle to break free from the slave mentality that was pounded into her since childhood turned out to be... totally hollow. the woman's real purpose was to keep loving the man who cut off her tongue, raped her as a child and eventually had her cannibalized by their daughters when she failed to survive a murder attempt on his person. which makes for a very pinpoint parallel with eren, tbh, but he gets a whole paragraph all to himself later. amor vincit omnia should not become a convenient fix-it trope so that stuff can magically make sense in less than 50 pages. not to mention that this makeshift “solution” doesn't account for countless plot holes, that would only make sense if ymir was an abuse survivor looking to get her agency back. and even if i was keen on excusing the sloppy writing, i still wouldn't let the whole romanticisation of rape and trauma thing slide so easily. by giving a young victim like ymir fritz romantic feelings and a blind devotion towards her rapist, isayama is basically conveying a very pitiful and toxic message, one he refuses to even dignify with a realistic explanation for the thousands of readers who couldn't make a sense of it. the way this twisted version of love seems to be universally accepted by all the characters in the last chapter, as they just shrug it off like some sort of inevitable superior force that works in mysterious ways, made me wanna gouge my eyes out and never read another word again

mikasa's arc. mikasa had the potential to be the only character in the entire manga to come out on top when all was said and done. she had openly opposed eren's idea of a genocide. she had left the scarf behind when he voiced his hatred for her. she seemed ready enough to sever the proverbial umbilical cord and move on, live a life with pride, knowing how she could have outgrown her silly, dependent, obsessive old self. she might have started out as a yandere caricature, a passive and annoying side-effect to having eren as the main character, but she could have done so much better later on. she, too, just like ymir fritz, might have broken free, if only isayama liked liberated and strong women. she had the range. she had the potential, the backstory, everything. given the chance, she could have redeemed herself. but did isayama care? nope. he just threw her to the sickos in the fandom and said “here's your little psycho doll. do what you will with her. also, she's the key to understanding the superior force that works in mysterious ways aka love aka all the nonsense i'm actually too lazy to commit to”. and so, mikasa is as inconsequential in the ending as she ever was as eren's ever-present bodyguard, if not more, because now she's even refusing to look ahead and fight. two things that she at least tried to do every so often back when eren was alive. not only she surrendered to her own mental illness, but she even saw it turned into a pretty fantasy that the readers can idealise (again, romanticisation of all the wrong things) and that she'll never be able to escape so long as she lives. what's worse, she doesn't even want to, because in this manga we love downgrading and being stuck in the past, as the worst possible versions of ourselves.

historia's pregnancy. it shouldn't even have happened in the first place, unless it was dictated by historia's explicit desire to have a child precisely when she asked for one and by that one unnamed farmer guy and nobody else. whether that was the case or not remains, to this day, still shrouded in mystery because, again, isayama didn't think of coming clean about any aspect of historia's sudden decision. the notion that she might have been raped or submitted to something she really didn't want simply for the drama of it leads to some pretty terrifying implications. i have already explained countless times how it didn't even make sense for eren to be so adamant about rejecting the 50 year plan on account of not wanting historia to be breeded like cattle, titanised, and eventually devoured by her children, if he was just... gonna let her have her way, she only had to ask him nicely. why ever would historia need eren's permission to have a child? what was she even trying to tell him in chapter 130? why did eren tell her something as pivotal as the genocide plan if the friendship between them wasn't any different from any other in the 104th? why would eren take the risk to meet her in secret and suggest that they do something as radical as fighting the mp's or running away, if all she had to do was just... ask that he let her get pregnant? i suppose that was just a bait for a very specific side of the fandom, at this point, as the extent of the entire cryptic conversation from ch. 130 was never covered, and we were probably just supposed to forget about it. I can only forgive isayama for basically baiting me into shipping erehisu because he still gave historia a decent wrap-up in the ending, she looked in control and happy enough with her new life, which is something i warmly wished for her. she seems to be in a better spot than most of her former comrades, and virtually, she is the true inheritor of eren's original (and later disowned) ideology, as she is the one who will lead eldia into the future as a free nation, whatever that may mean for them now that titan powers are no longer a thing. I'm very proud of her and generally i am happy with how things played out for her and yeah, thinking back on it with a colder mind... i wouldn't have wanted it any other way, ships be damned

wHY WAS LEVI IN A WHEELCHAIR????? like..... scars aside, he was up and about in one panel, and in the next he was disabled... that was just... idk?? weird but i suppose isayama went overboard to provide us with some residual dramatic value here

the genocide being just a red herring. APPARENTLY eren never believed that the genocide was a solid way to achieve freedom. his true intention was to antagonize himself so that his friends would be hailed as heroes, but like... why... he didn't even achieve the complete annihilation of conflict in the world by doing so? his friends might be heroes now, but they're going to spend the rest of their lives fighting for their very lives. if anything, eren sparked new conflicts and made the new order so much worse for the eldians, as they have no choice but to keep fighting, except with the same weapons as anybody else now. he basically doomed his people to a bleak future of war and possibly extinction. he killed 80% of the entire world to cause nothing but a disappointing regretful outcome, and in the end he even disowned everything he ever believed in. in comparison, zeke's euthanasia plan was some genius level shit that would have achieved the same result as eren, except with not nearly as much bloodshed.

the parasite. again, great idea, poor execution. what on earth happened to it? it was the Scientific Shit that made titans happen one moment, and then gone in the next, wrestled to death by a buff war criminal with ptsd... my disappointment is over the roof

eren himself. like, as a whole. oh, what's not to regret about the 180 eren did in the finale? witnessing a mc forsaking every relevant trait that's ever made him who he is, is simply painful on the eyes. isayama basically went and said “remember eren yaeger aka the suicidal blockhead who would sacrifice everything in order to achieve freedom? yes? well forget about him, you've got aaron yogurt now.” …... who even is this man? when he broke down and cried in front of armin, whining like a baby that he wanted mikasa to never move on from him, i legit got second-hand embarassment. I felt actual shame for the way isayama handled his characterisation. like... he is a mass murderer, ok... how can he just... kneel down and cry about his step-sister whom he never did anything to date anyway like it's nothing??? armin is right to be pissed at him but he's pissed for the wrong reasons, sadly. I don't even want to tackle the topic of eren murdering his own mother, as he basically confessed to going through life on autopilot because the founding titan just erased all his feelings, gave him superior knowledge of all things and compelled him to go with the flow of things, aka the exact opposite of what he's been preaching ever since day 1. W HAT on earth man. like i said in point #1, eren's crush on mikasa is actually very frightening too, and it leads us back to that one dark force that overpowered even ymir fritz. eren is in love with a girl who's obsessed, in denial and damaged. and what's worse, mikasa reciprocates his feelings, even though eren always overlooked her or manipulated her. ymir fritz kept misunderstanding all those red flags from the king as love, probably. this is really not a story of breaking the cursed cycle, because it seems to me that everyone has returned full circle in the end.

CONCLUSION: nothing isayama or anyone might have said in interviews or elsewhere could have prepared me for this raging shitfest. the entirety of that last chapter was farfetched to say the least, everything looked half-hearted and rushed, clumsily glued together because the real isayama died and somebody else had to ghostwrite the ending for him. I am sorry if i do sound a bit disillusioned about the whole thing and can't bring myself to be outraged either, but i've been way too invested into this manga for nearly a decade, and now it all blew up in my face, so i guess i no longer give it the power to upset me lol

#sorry for the wait guys. it's not even that great lol i just had to get some things off my chest and then forget about it #i didn't even edit lol. snk doesn't deserve my efforts #snk spoilers #snk #aot spoilers #anti aot #chapter 139 spoilers #aot #snk chapter 139

[ssixa]

CHANCE ENCOUNTER//MARK TUAN X Y/N

Description: Walking into the night shift at the hospital proves to keep you on your toes. Nights are left to the universe so you can only hope that tonight will be decent. What happens when you find out that one of your patients is THE Mark Tuan from GOT7? how do you try to deal with the chaos erupting from this chance encounter? and how many times do you have to tell yourself that you love your job?

Genre: fluff, slight cringe, smut (in this chapter)

Pairing: Black Fem Reader x Mark Tuan (though I will say there isn’t much description of black characteristics)

Word count: 5.7K

Warning: explicit language, SMUT!!!!!!, mention of piercings, drinking, switch, slight restraining, breath play

A/n: sorry for the hella late post! I got in this solid routine of studying and I didn’t want to break my stride with it lol. This is the first legit smut scene I’ve written before the narrative about Narachan that I posted. I’m still not very good at writing smut though, but I enjoyed writing from the y/f/n pov! 

*All pic collages are made by me unless I state otherwise. Individual pictures in the collage are not mine and I give credit to where credit is due.

Chapter Eight

~y/f/n’s POV~

I opened up Yug’s profile and clicked chat.

“I can’t believe this bitch, imma kill her one day. But I’m happy, a little more happy then I thought I would be. How do I even start to message him? Why am I so nervous he’s a crackhead fetus. Ok, here we go” I thought to myself.

“Heyyy it’s y/f/nnnn” damn too many y’s

“Um hey y/f/n nuna” he replies almost instantly with a nervous emote 

“Yug, sweetheart you don’t have to call me nuna, y/f/n is just fine” I respond slightly flirtily 

“Oh ok...y/f/n. Um~” he responds

“Yes?” I respond already having a hopes of what he’s going to ask

“I was just wondering if you wanted to come hang out with me at the hotel? I fully understand if you don’t want to though and you would much rather stay with y/n” he sends with almost a nervous sense.

“I don’t mind as long as I’m not interrupting your rest time” I reply back just being certain

“Oh no you’re not interrupting, I invited you didn’t I?” 

“True, well I guess y/n can drop me off at the hotel then. You can go ahead and send the address to her”

“Yes ma’am hahaha”. Wow this boy has no limits, this will be an interesting night. I look to y/n who is on her phone purging the bad pics and videos from the concert. 

“Yo y/n, Yug said he’ll send the address of the hotel to you. You can drop me off there and go to your boo” I laughed

“Lol ok ok...Mrs. Kim” I joke

“Well said Mrs. Im” we broke out in laughter. What a circumstance we’re in. y/n starts the car and we leave heading towards the hotel. We keep ourselves occupied with small chatter back and forth when it occurred to me,

“Wait I just realized, when the boys were coming over to our side during the concert, was that because of you?” I ask

“Yup, apart from Mark, that was the first time they had ever seen me in real life. So I guess they just wanted to be idiots” y/n replies with a laugh. The drive wasn’t long, but that’s probably because we talked the whole time. We arrived at the entrance of the hotel and I texted Yugyeom that I was here.

“Ok, go ahead and head to the 7th floor. Room 723” he replied almost instantly 

“Gotcha” I replied. I said goodbye to y/n and walked inside. I headed to the elevator and walked in. I hit the seventh floor button and rode my way up. I took some deep breaths going up and until I was standing in front of his room. I knocked lightly and I heard footsteps rushing towards the door. A moment later, the door opens and I’m met with Yug’s adorable face. His smile is wide and he invites me in. After closing the door, he heads into the room and awkwardly stands a bit away from me. The air is full of an awkward silence until I speak up,

“Um do you mind if I take a seat?” I ask kind of nervously

“S-sure here” he points to the bed and neatens it up before I take a seat. 

“I guess that’s his bed huh” I think

“D-do you want something to drink? The boys and I went out together yesterday and I bought some drinks in case I had some time to enjoy it” he mentioned

“Oooo what kind?” I ask since I was in the mood for some drinks tonight anyways

“Some flavored soju” he says with a smile

“Perfect! Then of course! Can we also play some games too?” I ask excitedly 

“Yes! I love games! What do you want to play?” 

“Mmm, how about we start off with cham cham cham? Do you mind if we take a couple of shots first” I suggest excitedly.

“OK!” he jumps up and grabs the drinks from the minifridge. He grabs a couple solo cups and returns to the bed. He pours a shot's worth into both of our cups and we take the shot together. He asked me what type of drinking games Americans play and I gave him a few ideas.

“We have games like flip cup, beer pong, or even a card game like Uno” I relay

“Oh wow! Can we play one of those games?” 

“We can play beer pong since we can play it with two people, but if the others get back we can play flip cup! It’s one of my favorites and super fun too!” 

We continue small banter back and forth and we are a few shots in when we decide to start the game. I guess it’s because he plays this a lot more than me that Yug is really good at the game. I lose a good few times and the penalty is taking a shot or a flick on the forehead. We decided to make it more interesting and cut up slips of paper and put ‘F’ for flick and ‘S’ for shot. We grabbed an empty cup and threw the slips in it so whenever one of us loses, we shake it up, pick a slip, and do what is on it. It was my idea for this since we could easily drink all the alcohol he had. 

The game continued on with shots here and flicks here. A little while later, I could tell that we were both pretty tipsy; not super drunk, but gone enough to become really comfortable with each other. It was my turn at the game to cham cham cham him and he ended up seeing past my trick and dodging the direction my hand went. Next was his, he ended up winning so I had to take my draw from the penalty cup. To my demise, I ended up picking F which caused me to hide the slip. Yugyeom caught on to my sneakiness and asked to see the slip. 

“y/f/n, let me see the slip!” he says laughing

“Noooo!” I reply in a laughing

“Come oOooOOoOnnnn” he pleaded 

“Nope nope nope” I replied, shaking my head. My mother always told me my stubbornness would get me into trouble. I jumped to the other bed in the room trying to avoid Yugyeom. He got up and chased me there, I dodge him and roll off the bed jumping to his. No wonder he’s the main dancer because he changes direction and heads towards his bed. He hopped on top and fought to grab the slip out of my hands. I tried my best to keep it away from him, but all things considered, let's just say I lost. 

After we were done cutting up and trying to catch our breath is when I realized what position we were in. My back was against the headboard with my legs crossed while he leaned over me pinning my arms above my head with one hand. It’s when I finally opened and focused my eyes that I realized he was staring at me. His eyes looked glazed yet so dark. His nose and cheeks slightly tinted with a light shade of pink though I was unsure if it was because he’s embarrassed or because he was drunk. The contact remained persistent for only a few more seconds when he suddenly bent down and connected our lips. His lips were so soft and warm. The kiss was long and innocent and yet had me holding my breath. 

He broke the kiss and had both of our lungs trying to recapture the air that wasn’t breathed in. His facial expression changed suddenly 

“I-I’m so sorry y/f/n” he said with a sense of panic. I couldn’t even react properly, I just kept staring causing him to panic more. He quickly pushed off of me and scooted to the end of the bed.

“I don’t why I did that! I must have drunk too much..” he continued to panic and ramble on as I sat up.

“Yug, it’s ok, really, it was nice” I look to him trying to calm him down with a gentle smile

“I know I should’ve asked and not just done it, I-” he paused 

“You- it was nice?” he asks surprised at your choice of words

“Yeah~ you did catch me by surprise, but it was a nice surprise” I said quietly 

“T-then would you-” he stammered

“Yes” I answered 

“You didn’t even know what I was going to ask” he laughed slightly 

“Then what were you going to ask then” I say with a smirk

“W-would you want to continue?” he asks without making much eye contact. Scared that your previous answer was going to change. 

“Yes Yug. I told you I knew what you were about to ask” I laughed 

“Hahaha I guess you did” 

“Well then, are you going to come back here” I ask

“Anything for you” he replies as he slowly crawls back to me and centers himself between my legs. He closes in again where our lips are barely inches apart, but only a second later does he close the gap between us once again. Our lips move hungrily against each other, almost like he hasn’t had a sensation like this in a while if not ever. The kiss stayed heated and I tried to reach out to touch him in any way I could, but he tightened his grip on my wrists..

“Yug, please let go of my wrists” I beg

“I don’t think I will, baby girl” he replies lowly. The effect of the new nickname did it’s job in making me know my place. I find it hard to believe that he’s younger than me and yet he is this dominant. Then again I shouldn’t be surprised that the main dancer has a different personality. That’s one thing I’ve learned from being a kpop fan for so long. You can never trust these “sexy on stage” idols; them mostly being the main dancers at that. We go back to making out when he uses his free hand to slowly lift my shirt. I froze. It wasn’t that I couldn’t sleep with him it was that I couldn’t imagine that the person I was hooking up with WAS him. I started this day off going to the concert with my best friend only to find out she’s best friend’s with the group, and is now dating the leader. 

“Like damn, I really be living the “y/n” life right now” I think. Before I knew it, he somehow managed to pull my shirt over my head and now I was just sitting there in my bra and skirt. When I looked at his face, it showed no emotion, almost disappointed.

“W-what?” I ask nervously with obvious concern in my voice. I start to panic, normally I’m really bold with my foot always forward and my head high, but his gaze and just who he is...what the hell has this child done to me. I look down to see if there was something wrong and look back up when I don’t see off. When I look back into his eyes, he’s just staring at me.

“Yug...you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” 

“You’re..just so…” he starts

“Yug don’t you fucking dare” I say almost angrily.

“...beautiful” he concludes. I thought he was going to say something else before I warned him, but when I looked at his eyes, all it showed was the most sincerity in the world. The black glaze from earlier was gone and his beautiful brown eyes sparkled like they just gazed upon the most beautiful picture in the world. He leaned back in starting to kiss my lips once more then making his way down to my neck and truthfully I can’t tell if there will be a mark left after this. Goosebumps start to form as he keeps moving down onto my shoulders. Light, yet warm kisses coated my skin that was left bare to the air conditioned room. He got down to my chest where he was able to unsnap my bra from the back which REALLY led me to think that he wasn’t as inexperienced as he looks. My thoughts were suddenly brought out of its state of euphoria when I heard a gasp. I snap my head up,

“Fuck...how many piercings do you have?” he questioned

“Oh sweetheart there’s more to come” I comment with a smirk

“Will I have a chance to see them?” he questioned a slight smirk and raised eyebrow

“Anything for you” I wink. What the hell is wrong with me. This isn’t like me at all! I’m never this cheesy when it comes to getting my back blown out, but I just can’t figure this kid out. One moment he looks like he could devour me whole, while the next he looks like a kid in a candy store. 

“That’s all I needed to hear princess” he says with his voice almost significantly deeper than usual. He goes to suck on one of the nipples while kneading the other and the pleasure is beyond the roof. I let out a soft moan which wasn’t soft enough because his actions suddenly changed. The hand kneading the one breast made its way down my stomach and to the edge of the skirt. He pushes back,

“Now, I’m going to release your hands and I’m going to need you to take off your skirt for me. Why don’t you be a good girl and do that for me?” he says

“Ok...but” you start

“I can’t be the only one fully naked out here. At least take off your shirt” you conclude. Finally, after this whole night since the concert ended, you’re showing signs of yourself once again. 

“Whatever you want sweetheart” he complied, releasing your hands. You get off the bed causing a look of confusion. You turn towards him and put your hands behind your back. You slowly start undoing the zipper at the back and you see the realization suddenly hit his eyes. He sits at the edge of the bed leaning back using his arms as support, enjoying the show that he knows is only for him. As I start shimming out of the skirt and seeing his eyes watch where my hands are, I stop.

“Why’d you stop?” he questions

“Last I checked, I said I wasn’t going to be the only one without clothing” I relay 

“Sorry, just enjoying the show. I hate missing good moments of a great movie” he winked

“Well looks like you hit the rewind button” I comment pulling my skirt back up and reaching for the zipper. 

“Oof you’re really going to make this a fun time huh?” he laughs

“Of course” I wink. He stands up and removes his shirt showing his pale yet fit self. You just stand there gazing as this boy built for the demigods. That’s when you truly realize that god truly picks favorites, though I know he’s worked hard for that body.

“Like what you see?” he slyly says 

“Who wouldn’t” I replied without looking back up. It didn’t take you long to rid yourself of your skirt. Though he was still wearing more clothes  than you were, it still felt better that he didn’t have a shirt. This wasn’t a moment of teasing during a concert where it is only a moment that a shirt gets raised, this is close to permanent and with more purging of clothing coming down the road. You both stood there just looking each other in the eyes. A deep breath held by much tension was let out and that’s when Yugyeom picked me up behind the knees and laid me down on the bed.

It wasn’t a foreign fact that his hard on was rubbing against my clothed core. He knew exactly what he was doing, he grinded harder and I let out a subtle moan. He dragged one of his hands down my sides and past my underwear. He rubbed my clit in circular motions with just the right amount of pressure. His index finger slid down my slit, teasing my opening

“Fuck Yug, please” I begged. 

“Damn you’re so wet” he seeths. Luckily he wasn’t fully ignoring my pleas. He slipped his finger in and slowly started pumping. The moans that left me could not be described with words. He easily found the one spot that could ruin me and made sure to hit it. Suddenly, he slides in a second finger. I let out a louder moan than before and continued to receive the pleasure he had been giving. He pumped harder and rubbed my clit faster and the tension in my stomach kept building,

“Fuck I’m close daddy” I moaned out. My eyes shot open in realization of the word that just left my mouth

“What did you just say?” he says in a low voice

“N-nothing” I squeaked out avoiding eye contact with him

“Say..It” he growled in what I would’ve thought a demon would sound like.

“D-daddy” he said quietly 

“Louder” he commanded 

“Daddy” I muttered slightly louder and more boldly. This I knew about myself; this daddy kink has always been a thing about me, but I have never uttered that word from just finger play and even someone younger than me. 

“Now what would you like daddy to do? Hm?”

“Please, I’m so close”

“As you wish sweetheart” he replies. He throttles the two fingers back into my warmth and curves his fingers up; with his thumb back on my clit. Knowing exactly where to hit, I let out a loud moan. My respirations grew deeper and faster as he kept pumping. The tension built more and more until I couldn’t bare it anymore.

“Fuck fuck fuck” I moan out. My body erupts in spasms almost immediately and it takes a minute for me to calm back down. My breaths slow as I catch my breath and realize how this might look. I couldn’t think of how I might look and I shield my face. 

“Why are you covering your face?” Yugyeom lightly chuckles

“I probably look a mess right now” I reply back

“y/f/n, you look beautiful” he compliments removing my hands from my face. He lays down beside me, almost exhausted himself.

“Why are you the one that’s tired? You weren’t the one that just got finger fucked” I laugh

“Seeing you like this, truthfully takes my breath away...and you forget that we just performed a two and a half hour concert” he replies back jokingly 

“Wow ok cringe, and that makes sense” I reply back. I lay to my side and he pulled me into his chest.

“Don’t you want a turn?” I ask after a moment of silence

“Nah I’m fine. Let’s just lay here” he says soothingly. Now, I know better and though I’m sensitive and truthfully tired, he seems to have unfinished business that is screaming to be dealt with. I slowly start moving my butt against him trying to gain a reaction from him. He slightly growls,

“W-what are you doing?” he asks nervously 

“You seem to have some unfinished business and I just wanted to solve it for you” I replied. I started moving faster as I feel him growing harder and...bigger? 

“Y-y/f/n” he moans out 

“Now tell me what you want baby boy?” I reply back slightly 

“P-please…” he sputtered 

“Please what? Use your words” I state. I was happy that I was finally getting back to my regular self.

“Please, I need you” was all I needed. I turned to face him and pulled my arm down to his crotch. My hand grabbed his covered member and started slowly massaging it. He let out a small moan, but tried to keep it suppressed. I was determined now to make him moan louder. I put my hand in his sweats and realized 

“No underwear?”

“Well they tend to be a little constricting so I choose not to wear them when I don’t have to” he mumbles out. I nod understanding his position. Hell, I understand because I hate wearing a lot of clothes when I’m at home. I grab his member and start pumping slowly. His breaths were getting deep so I decided to switch my tactic. I turned him on his back and got between his legs. I grabbed his waistband of his light gray sweatpants and slowly started inching them down. Throughout this whole process, my eye contact never left his. His stare was so innocent and his face was obviously getting red. I locked my eyes back on his pants once they were pulled far enough. His hard member shot up finally being set free from the constraints of the waistband. 

He was a decent size, not super big but not small either. It stood boldly and was already slightly oozing with precum. I knew better than to gawk because he might take the opportunity to take control back and I sure in hell wasn’t going to let that happen again. I pumped him more and lowered my mouth to it. I start to bob my head up and down at a steady pace. A string of curse words made their way out of his mouth along with some moans as well. I kept bobbing and stroking his member for a little while longer until I felt him jerk his hips up. I hold them down preventing him from bucking them up again. I do help further the pleasure by hitting the back of my throat a little more often than before. He tried grabbing my hair and I decided to hold down his arms. That proved to be pointless since he was a lot stronger than me. 

I released his member from my mouth and he snapped his head up.

“Why did you stop?” he wined

“I can’t have you grabbing my hair now can I?” I comment

“S-sorry” he apologizes 

“No~ that won’t work now will it” I smirk. I got off the bed and looked around for a second until I found what I was looking for. I went to his luggage, opened it, and started looking through it. 

“What are you doing?” Yugyeom questioned 

“Just looking for something...found it!” I exclaim. I turn around and hold up two belts with a smirk on my face.

“W-what are you going to do with those?” he shockingly asks with wide eyes

“This will keep those lovely hands of yours to yourself” I reply 

“Fuck, this is going to drive me insane not being able to touch you” he sighs

“Mmmm, I’m going to enjoy this” I say as I get back on the bed and straddle him. Luckily, and unusually, the hotel beds here came with a “usable” bed frame. I grabbed one of his arms and pulled it back. I tied one belt around his wrist then around the bed post frame. I grabbed the other arm and did the same. This is one thing I can say I’m good at, though I don’t think girl scouts taught us tying skills to be used for this reason. After making sure the belts were nice and tight, I went back to being stationed between his legs. I place my mouth back on his stiff member and my hand at his base helping me pump as I suck. He moans more than before and I guess it’s because of being restrained that causes it. 

“Fuck I’m so close, keep going, I’m so fucking close” he moans out. I picked up my pace to get him to reach his climax. Only a few seconds later do I feel his hips bucking up, hot liquid shoot to the back of my throat along with a string of curses. I milk him for all he’s worth taking my time to look at his face curling in pleasure. I release him and crawl my way up to his face. He opened his eyes and we made eye contact. I swallowed the liquid and used my finger to swipe my bottom lip showing that I would leave nothing of his wasted.  

“Fuck...I can’t….fuck” he mumbles. I smirk as I scooted to get off of him, fully satisfied by my accomplishment. That was short lived when I realized that his member was still slightly erect.

“I see that someone isn’t satisfied quite yet” I laugh

“What can I say, you have me horny as fuck” he replies with a sigh

“Well we can’t have that, now can we” I smirk. I get off the bed and remove my underwear that proves to be pointless at this point. I get back on top of him and center myself above his member. As I began to lower myself down, he stopped me

“Wait I think there’s a condom in my bag” he states

“Don’t worry, I’m on birth control” I state. With a breath, I slowly let myself down onto his member. We both let out moans of pleasure as I was being filled and he was being enveloped around my walls.

“Fuck, y/f/n, you’re so tight. god you feel incredible” he moans out 

“Yug you feel so good, fuck” I moan out as well. I give myself a little time to adjust from being stretched out so suddenly. Once I felt settled I started moving slowly. More strings of moans were let out by the both of us. Yug tried to reach out, but groaned out of anger forgetting he was restrained. 

“Damn, y/f/n let me out of these. They’re driving me insane” he uttered angrily 

“Hmm we’ll see, I quite enjoy this” I laughed. To increase the torture I decided to pause for a moment. 

“Why did you stop?” he growled. I said nothing and just looked him in the eye. I put my hands on my boobs and slowly started massaging them. I slowly started moving my hips back and forth trying to stimulate myself as much as possible. I threw my head back in pleasure that I was inducing myself. Yug was struggling to rid his arms of the restraints,

“Shit, take these things off of me. I can’t stand it, FUCK I can’t touch you” he angrily says. Seeing him struggle and beg just turns me on even more. I think it’s because of how much he exudes big dick energy, that seeing how he looks so vulnerable had me at my wits end. 

“Fuck, please!” he begs

“Damn, ok. I bet your arms are tired” I slightly give in. I lift up off him and go to untie his hands. As I release the second arm, I realize my mistake; maybe I riled him up a little too much. He suddenly pulled me on the bed and flipped me over with my arms yet again trappe above my head. My eyes were wide and my heart racing fast,

“Sweetheart, you made daddy very mad by all the teasing” he commented with his eyes covered by his bangs. Damn he looks hot.

“Oh did I?” I say with an innocent look

“Don’t play innocent sweetheart, you knew exactly what you were doing and now you’re going to pay for it” he says with a growl. He grabs my arms and one of the belts and ties them up. Well played Yug, well played. He leans over me and without warning, shoves his member into me.

“FUCK, SHIT!!” I scream out. He thrusts at a sporadic pace that drove me crazy. I knew this was payback and I greatly regretted torturing him earlier. He was missing my g-spot intentionally every now and then and it was driving me up the wall. He reached his hands up to my boobs and started massaging them while he started grinding at a slower pace. I moaned out in pleasure and I could see a smirk form on his face

“Damn, do you feel that good?” he cocks. Nothing but a string of moans leave my mouth as a response.

“So how does my princess want me to continue?” he asks continually grinding into me

“Please...harder...harder” I reply

“Harder what beautiful?”  

“Please harder daddy” 

“As you wish my queen” he replies. Damn that new name change just increased this ecstasy. He did as he was told and went harder. 

“Fuck I’m so close Yug” I moan out

“Me...too” he moaned out a reply. He slowly slid his hand up around my throat and slightly squeezed unexpectedly which caught me by surprise. My eyes crept open making direct eye contact with him

“Yug…” I squeak. His eyes are dark and lustful, but it was almost like he was broken out of a trance, he snatched his hand away and halted his movements altogether. 

“y/f/n, I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I...I..” he panicked 

“Yug, it’s ok. Shit it was hot please keep going I’m so close” I assure him

“A-are you sure?” he looks with such innocent eyes

“Yug I swear If you don’t finish what we started I will end you” I threaten

“Alright alright” he says as he leans back down to kiss my lips. He started to pound into me quickly and without warning or hesitation again . He returned his hand back to my throat and after the two words of “I’m close” slipped my lips, he started to squeeze harder. I could tell he was reaching his climax due to his movements getting sloppy and the rhythm being less consistent. Deep moans rung throughout the room as we both hit our climaxes. The constriction around my neck really made it all the more euphoric. He thrusted his hips a few more times helping me ride out my high. After a few deep breaths were given out before Yugyeom collapsed beside me.

“Oh my god…” he says still trying to regain the lost air

“...that was amazing,” I finished. We turned to look at each other and he leaned down giving a long kiss to my sweaty forehead. He pulls me into his chest and I feel my eyes getting heavy. 

“You getting sleepy?” Yugyeom softly speaks up

“Mmm” was all I could respond

“Do you want to get cleaned up a little first?” he suggests

“I know I should, but I’m so lazy now” I whine in almost a sleep type manner

“Here let me help you” he responds. I feel the dip in the bed disappear and I force my eyes slightly open. Before my brain could comprehend what was going on, I felt my body being lifted off the bed.

“What are you doing?!” I exclaim in a slight chuckle

“We both need to freshen up anyways and…” he draws out

“And what?” I look at him in confusion

“Well, I don’t think Mark hyung would be appreciative of us stinking up the place” he laughs

“True he would probably stop rooming with you during tours” I laugh as we proceed to the bathroom.

“I can’t have that!! I get really lonely during tours and no one else wants to share a room but he’s the only one that doesn’t mind” he fake cries. (V Live, 05122018; http://kpopherald.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=201805131852414957228_2) 

“You cry baby” I laugh while lightly hitting him on his shoulder

“Do you mind putting me down? You’ve been standing in the bathroom, holding me in this bridal style for the past 10 minutes” I continue

“Nope, this is nice” he grins, but puts me down into the already filling bathtub...wait...when did he even do this? Oh well nevermind. I see him grab some soap he brought from the sink and pour it into the bathtub. I’m surprised, and also not, that this man would enjoy bubble baths, but I can’t complain, who doesn’t like bubble baths. After pouring a decent amount in, he hops in and sits behind me. We sit in the quietness of the bathroom with the warmth of the water and our bodies keeping us comfortable. We continued small banter back and forth until we decided that it was time for us to get out and dry ourselves off. 

Yugyeom told me to wait as he ran into the room and came back with one of his shirts for me to wear. I threw it on as he put on his own clothes as well. We went back in the room and Yugyeom jumped in the bed while I headed to the window. 

“What are you doing?” Yugyeom looks over to ask 

“Opening the window, this place might need a little airing out. Let’s spare Mark the details” I laugh

“Makes sense, but sometimes I like to bully hyung. I’ll refrain this one time though�� he laughs. I laugh along as I return to the bed after opening the window. Luckily, it was a cool night so leaving the window open wouldn’t be too much trouble. We cuddled together and I could feel some heavy breathing from behind me. I turn around, and smile slightly to see he’s fast asleep. He looks so precious and cute it’s crazy to think that this same boy was the same one who went crazy down on me earlier. I turn back around to have my back against his chest when I hear my phone go off. I reach and answer it,

“Bbbiiittcchhh you done getting your back blown out?!” I hear y/n scream through the phone

“y/n you drunk?” I ask laughingly 

“Well of course! Now ANSWER MY QUESTION!” y/n sasses

“Yes we’re done lol. I was just about to fall asleep when you called. Now I’m pretty sure you’re too drunk to drive back to my place so you spending the night with your new boo?” I ask slightly groggily 

“Good! I made sure the dinner lasted a little while longer, so you’re welcome. And yes! They’re letting me head to JB’s room first to avoid any suspicion and he would follow me in later” y/n rambles on 

“That’s nice, well a bitch is getting tired so imma have to talk to you later” 

“OKIE DOKIE GOOD NIGHT!!!” y/n replies and hangs up the phone. I place my phone back on the nightstand and cuddle back into Yug before drifting off to sleep.

Previous/Next

#kpop smut #kpop fluff #got7 mark #got7 yugyeom #got7 jaebum #got7 jackson #got7 bambam #got7 youngjae #got7 jinyoung #idol au

[chaotic-dummy]

Ace discourse

disclaimer: I blocked out usernames because this isn’t a callout post, I am ace, I do know the fuck im talking about. And please if anyone wants to have a sensible talk about this, dm me.

So me decided to get to the bottom of ace discourse, why the fuck does everyone hate ace ppl. Well im about to tell you and I did research. Mostly I searched ‘ace discourse’ on tumblr and just looked. And so what I found was kinda weird and I think some ppl have little to no brain cells.

So first thing I found was this:

Cus apparently being ace and being kinky are the same level of queer, none. Idfk what kinky peeps have to do with this, don’t drag them into our shitty discourse. It’s not ‘approaching sex in on unconventional way’, we don’t fucking approach sex. Its. Not. That. Hard. So us wanting to be included in lgbt+ isn’t us hating on gay sex or saying its strange, it just means that we here, we queer too.

Also little uh, vocab lesson before I continue, queer was a slur and it pretty much meant weird, or odd. It meant that far before ppl turned it into an gay slur. Y’all probs know that but just had to say it.

Ok so I scrolled more, same person at it again.

So what? Pan and nonbianary ppl don’t exist in lgbt+. +!!!!!! There’s a plus my dude and you’ve been missing it

The plot thickens

First off, coming out as ace in general is hard, because no one seems to thinks it’s real and understand what it is, even if its soooooo simple. And maybe yeah ppl wanna feel special, so what? You never wanted to feel special? Also as someone who is ace and also a girl who likes girls, it would be just as important to come out as ace, as it is coming out as gay.  So what if it isn’t as bad of consequences? Is it so bad we want to tell ppl things even when we don’t get to be hurt because of it? Really?

Ok so first of cishet means cisgender heterosexual…ok so being ace already gets rid of the het. Yeah some aces are hetero romantic, but what about aro/aces, the legit are not hetero at all? Like what then? Not liking the word queer don’t make you a terf, being a transphobic bitch makes you a terf, these two things do NOT mean the same thing. Also pda isn’t great weather ppl are straight gay lesbian…. But aces deal with pda and idk about everyone but if some gays wanna hold hands or pda go the fuck ahead, it hurts no one. Since when did aces throw a fit over your pda? When????? Also an ace community would be just cake puns and more ace puns and nothing actually productive let’s be real.

Also I id as queer ace because reasons so yeet.

Also on the whole cishet aces topic.

No comment other than exclusionists pls read how stupid some of you sound.

The blue on the purple says ‘children cannot be asexual’

Allosexual is just something made up that means not ace, no one should identify as it and it isn’t meant to be harmful, or meant to make other sexualities inherently sexual. It was just meant as kinda just so there was a word for not ace.  That’s all. It wasn’t meant to hurt queer kids.

Oh first of all this was the most hypocritical thing I’ve seen yet today. And that’s saying something.

Also aces have kinda always just kinda bunched with the lgbt+ and we were there when you founded the shit don’t kick us out now.

Ace exclusionists are really so far up their own asses they think everyone who is ace is cishet and doesn’t deserve to be lgbt+.

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is bullshit.

There are idiots across all communities, even ace.

Ok just because ace ppl where not oppressed as other lgbt+ identities don’t make us less queer. This isn’t an oppression measuring competition. And hell, we get more hate from tumblr than actual oppressors. But like there is some shit that’s happened to ace ppl because ppl suck and don’t like ace ppl. I’m not talking about some random idiot excluding us from queer posts and tumblr, but ppl harassing us and telling us that we’re confused, or haven’t found the right person and so on. Or, and I know lesbians know this line, guys thinking their hot enough to “fix us”. These are problems queer ppl face, we do too.  No, we weren’t arrested, or killed, or antagonized. But that’s because we never really came out, we barely existed to anyone but ourselves.

And this. This seems to be a big issue, but basically ace means not being sexually attracted to anyone, it means that you don’t look at a hot person and thing ‘damn id tap dat’ or whatever. Some aces are sex repulsed, and some aren’t necessarily repulsed but they definitely don’t want it. But some aces honestly don’t give a fuck about sex, couldn’t care less, they don’t hate it, they don’t want it and won’t like, go looking to bang, but if someone they love wants to, meh sure why not.  That’s it, it shouldn’t bother ppl because YOU ARENT THE ONE HAVING THE SEX ANYWAYS WHAT DOES IT MATTER.

This kinda just needed to be said so uh, ye.

And here, at the center of it all is the reality of ace discourse.

#ace discourse #why tf cant yall be nice #this took 2 hours #it was actually painful to go through this tag tho

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam season 3, episode 6 reaction

In terms of length, this is a short episode, but watching it in real time, every day highlighting Isak’s misery, felt like an eternity. Luckily Isak and Jonas’ friendship intervened to give us one of the most heartwarming scenes of the series. 

SEASON 3, EPISODE 6 - “Escobar season”

Clip 1 - YOU CAN HATE ME NOW

It was a loooooong 10 days between the last clip of episode 5 and this one. Like, Trump got elected in that time, guys. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “Goddamn, I wish Skam wasn’t on hiatus so I could have something positive to take my mind off this shit.” Which might seem frivolous, but sometimes you need a little escapism from your impending national nightmare, instead of following the news in despair for 10 hours a day and stress-eating whole bags of discount Halloween candy (which is what I actually ended up doing).

The mid-season hiatus is set up so if you’re watching in real time, you can imagine that Isak legit took a week off school, but if you’re watching after the season ended, you can buy that maybe Isak just took a weekend off from the world, and either possibility still works. That shows some forethought on Julie’s part, since she knew this season would also be viewed post-real time experience.

So the music is by Nas, not N.W.A., but Isak’s intro here definitely reminds me of what he said to Even in episode 2 , about “music that you listen to when you want to walk around feeling tough.” This is totally a moment where Isak wants to toughen up, since he’s frankly pretty fragile at the moment. I love this scene because it is so deeply real. Most of us have done this, blasted the appropriate soundtrack to psych ourselves up for something we didn’t want to do, or attempted to alter our mood with a song. The fact that this is clearly a diegetic music moment, with Isak actually wearing his earbuds, makes him seem even more vulnerable to me, ironically. Like he needs that confidence boost.

Also, the fact that this is Nas just underscores Even’s influence on Isak, and that while Isak may be trying to deal with his heartbreak, Even’s presence is still there, weighing on him.

“Escobar season has returned … it’s been a long time.” Obviously it hasn’t been that long, but it is a cheeky little nod to the hiatus, as well as the official clip title  - “Returned.”

By the way, if people are wondering exactly what “Escobar season” means, here’s a little information about it. The summary is that it’s a persona Nas took on that’s like a Scarface personality, “Escobar” taken from famous Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar - who interestingly was the subject of one of Isak’s oft-mentioned TV shows, Narcos. 

The Escobar facade was fully formed and ubiquitous on Nas’ 1996 album It Was Written—he endorsed the now-defunct Willie Esco clothing line around the same time. 1998’s “Hate Me Now” famously begins with the phrase, “Escobar Season has returned,” and the Esco name is retired on the hook of 1999’s “Nastradamus.” Nas says Pablo Escobar represents his first awareness of a larger-than-life crime boss who wasn’t a fictional character.

This scene is framed nicely, with Even and his friends on one side of the screen, Emma and her friends on the other (the two “love interests” of this season opposite each other as they represent different sides of Isak) and with Isak stepping in the middle of the frame, not fitting into either group.

Man, I know Isak has fucked up, but like …. this song comes on, and I see him look nervously from Emma to Even, and my heart swells for this kid. I feel so bad for him. This feels so relatable for anyone who’s ever had a problem at school - a fight with a friend, a break-up - and had to go back where they knew they’d see the person again. Or embarrassed themselves, or been bullied, and had to face the judgment of your peers. It does feel like simply showing your face again requires an incredible amount of bravery from a teenager. (See also: Eva in S1, Sana in S4). And in Isak’s case, he has to face two people who know he is gay: Emma, who is angry and could use it against him, and Even, who he wants and seemingly doesn’t want him anymore.

The lyrics might sound over the top for this situation, but of course teenage problems are always the end of the world, and Isak actually does have some real shit to deal with. When Nas says, “Looks like the death of me now,” it probably does feel like that for Isak. I’d also say this is perhaps how he felt prior to coming out at the end of the episode - it could be the end of everything as he knew it, but there’s no turning back now. This is who Isak is.

“There’s no turning back now” - the lyrics that pop up when Isak first looks at Even, happen to be similar to what Isak and Even said to each other in episode 2, on their first “date” of sorts making those cheese toasties. “We can’t turn back now” - the words that made Isak cancel his plans with the boys and Emma so he could be with Even, and also the path that’s made him so currently miserable.

Let’s just note that Isak looks tired and worn and has his hood pulled up, keeps his head down as he walks across the courtyard, and Even looks to be in terrific shape, talking with people. Which has to rub salt in the wound. Even is doing just fine, seemingly, while Isak is suffering. You know Isak is questioning whether he meant anything to Even at all.

“This is what makes me … This is who I am.” Awwww, Isak. Baby.

Isak keeps his eyes ahead of him as he walks through the yard. Not on Emma or Even, though they notice him. Like the only way he’s going to get through this is if he pretends they’re not there.

Emma notices Isak and you have to wonder what’s on her mind, because really, she kind of falls away in the second half of the season? We hear about her but after this clip she doesn’t appear until the last episode. Has she already told people Isak is gay and set the rumor mill in motion, or is that yet to come?

I am always, always going to laugh at how the lyrics “DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE” sync with Even on screen, lol. You know Isak is internally kinda like FUCK YOU EVEN!!!! but also why even … why?

But also, Even probably did not expect Isak to be this downcast about their breakup. In real time, Isak has been gone for a week, and Even almost certainly noticed. You can practically see his heart stop when he notices Isak here. And it likely hurts that Isak is pointedly not looking at Even.

Oh my God, the kid crashing into Isak and interrupting his power walk is so funny, but you feel so bad for Isak! He just wanted to pump himself up before entering the school where all these people are mad at him or don’t want to talk to him, and some rando ruins the effect. Talk about adding insult to injury. A cherry on top of the shit sundae. Again, I love it because it’s such a realistic moment, and of course Isak’s woes aren’t going to be solved by the right soundtrack. Reality intervenes.

It’s like the little girl interrupting the movie moment of the pool kiss - the music just cuts off when the illusion is destroyed. Weirdly that warms my heart a little, because the pool was Even’s attempt to recreate a movie moment, this was Isak’s attempt to create a tough guy scene, and both of them got cut short by reality. Lmao, boys.

Emma looks like she’s too engrossed with her friends to notice Isak’s collision, but Even likely saw the dude crash into Isak. Just to embarrass Isak further. 

Poor Isak goes into the school and the first thing he sees is Jonas. Jonas isn’t hostile, but he’s a little distant. Reserved.

On the saga of Isak’s locker of character development, he takes a lesson from Even and bangs it open. Isak isn’t all the way there with coming out, but between the last time we’ve seen him and the locker, he’s kissed a boy for the first time and almost gotten himself a boyfriend. Even showed him how to open his locker and Isak took him up on it. Soooo… progress? He also bangs it open when Jonas is present.

Isak wants to know if Mahdi is still mad at him and Jonas says they’re not mad at him. He then takes a long pause before saying that they’re worried, like you know Isak’s weird behavior has been pressing on him and he’s finally just going to say it.

Isak tries to play it off and blames “family stuff” again and you can tell Jonas is disappointed and concerned that Isak is resorting to the same old lie.

“And I can’t sleep either.” Well, this part is actually true. It’s just you need to explain why you can’t sleep, Isak.

Jonas, a good bro, knows Isak is talking shit and not telling the whole truth, but he doesn’t argue. Just lets him know that he’s there to talk. Which is really all Jonas can do at that point. You can see Isak weighing it over as Jonas leaves, too, like … maybe Isak should talk to him. Or maybe he shouldn’t because that’s frightening. But Jonas had made it clear that he’s open to hearing the truth when Isak’s ready to share, and that’s what Isak needs to remember when Skrulle starts talking about people being islands.

Clip 2 - Noorhelm and Evak parallels

Isak really cannot sleep with all this anxiety and misery in his head. We don’t get late-night clips that often in Skam, but they were employed very well in S3 to illustrate Isak’s insomnia. That’s one of the coolest things about the real-time format, that we can get canon delivered at unconventional times to reflect the character’s reality and put us deep in their emotional state.

And of course Noora’s conversation is like … the worst thing that Isak could be hearing at that moment, since what she’s saying about her relationship with William also happens to apply to his relationship with Even.

“When you are in love, you believe that love will be like in the movies. But that’s not how it works.” This would be a solid point to make regardless of context, but it especially has to hit home for Isak, with his Romeo + Juliet watching and recreating in the pool. There was an element of fantasy with Even, of being in a love story like in the movies with a guy who views life like a film. But now the fantasy is gone.

What did Noorhelm shippers think at this point? S2 was all about Noora and William and gave them a happy ending, but now in S3, the way Noora describes what’s happened to them, it’s almost like a deconstruction of the tropes from S2. Noora is talking about how she thought she’d be with William forever, but no one lives happily ever after. Honestly, it would be a pretty interesting subversion to do a story like that on Skam, the fairy tale romance that ends up falling apart … but I wouldn’t want to spend a whole season building up to their happy ending, and then having it crumble in the background of someone else’s story. I think it’d be better if they got together by the halfway point (before the hiatus) and then showed the fall of the relationship through the rest of the season.

I mean, this is all because Thomas Hayes left the show, though, and was probably not part of Julie’s original plan. Makes you wonder how this scene was planned, though. Did Julie ever think Thomas would come back? Because this scene has somewhat different context with the Noorhelm reunion in S4, and in a scenario where Thomas didn’t return. 

“There’s nobody who is willing to make any sacrifices for love in 2016.” I don’t know why, but that part of Noora’s dialogue hurts the most? It does for Isak, too, since it’s the breaking point from when he goes from trying to bury his head in his pillow to getting up and telling her to stop. Maybe because to Isak, it seems like he was willing to sacrifice for Even by lying to his friends and making them angry with him, abandoning this heterosexual farce he was performing, potentially coming out, getting into a relationship with a boy despite all the problems that may come with that … but Even just couldn’t sacrifice his relationship with Sonja. For a brief moment, it seemed like he would choose Isak, but he didn’t. 

Maybe also because “nobody is willing to make sacrifices for love” is pretty disheartening to hear when you’re young and going through heartache. It makes you think this is how it’s going to be the rest of your life, it’ll never get easier. Especially painful for a closeted gay kid to hear since he’ll have additional complications in finding love. 

I think Noora’s words are obviously the main reason behind what’s making Isak stressed out right now, but it can’t help to hear that Eskild’s brought a guy home. Eskild has someone and Isak is sleeping alone.

Yeah, Isak could be less of an asshole in his delivery, but he’s not wrong. Take your conversations elsewhere at 2 am. Not to sound old but it’s a school night, Noora!

Noora is pretty shocked by Isak’s attitude, though. You can see the smile drop off her face. I don’t think Noora is obsessing over Isak’s personal life or anything, especially since she’s caught up in her own drama, but I think she picks up here that Isak is going through something that’s bigger than her just talking on the phone at night.

While I don’t know if Noora and Isak would ever be best friends, I do enjoy some of the moments they have together. I like to think that Noora taking care of Even when Isak couldn’t be there, and Isak demonstrating how much love there was in that grumpy teenage boy body of his, gained some lasting respect on both ends. And on the flip side, Noora ribbing Isak about his nightstand toilet paper and Isak taking it in stride in S4 is endearing.

Isak really is a good kid. He knows he lashed out and calms down after his outburst. He even says, “Say hi to Eva,” lmao? Like RARRRRRGH STOP TALKING ON THE PHONE NOORA … okay, sorry, say hi to our mutual friend.

The fact that he pauses to tell her that William is an idiot if he gives up on her is genuinely sweet. Of course there’s some projection behind it (trying to convince himself that Even is an idiot and not worth staying up all night stressing if Even gave up on him) but it’s also just a kind, courteous thing to say, since he recognizes someone else struggling over being in love, and Noora accepts his words as such.

Obviously everyone is free to like or dislike characters for whatever reasons, but moments like this are why I don’t get why some people repeatedly bring up Isak’s shitty S1 behavior as a reason why he’s the Worst (especially in the context of “How can you like Isak but not this other character when Isak has also done bad things?”). Isak repeatedly course-corrects from his mistakes and shows consideration toward other people’s feelings, listens to their advice and perspectives, and is kind to them despite his grumpy exterior. He’s not a selfish person. I’m fine with characters who make mistakes if they apologize, show empathy to others, and try to be better people.

Clip 3 - The cheese toastie of sadness

This scene is pretty short, but the first time I watched it, I spent like a minute and a half wondering “Where is this going?” only to freak out with Even’s appearance. Oh. That’s where it was going. It lulls you into a sense of mundane drudgery only to throw a curveball, which is what Isak must be feeling. Going about his boring day, feeling like shit, only for a surprise Even encounter to throw everything off-balance.

That random guy’s voice really does sound like Henrik’s, to the point where I’m wondering if Henrik said the line and they dubbed it over (since we don’t see the dude actually say anything but “Sweet”). If not, damn, that’s a close match.

It really throws Isak, it’s like a jolt of potential Even. But it’s just a false alarm. Of course, Julie gives us a false alarm to throw us off the real appearance of Even that’s going to happen in a minute.

Plot twist - this guy is Julian Dahl and he was hoping to make a move on Isak, except Even showed up.

Here’s where Skam’s ability to not rush things really helps, because this is a small scene where the majority is focused on an everyday boring task, but it establishes Isak’s mood, give a sense of how empty and dull his life feels at the moment, isolated from his social connections and love interest. The long pauses of nothing but agonizing silence feel like forever. Just waiting in line for a cheese toastie is an ordeal.

We also see just how out of it Isak is, how that reminder of Even throws him off balance - not responding to the cafeteria worker right away, dropping his money, giving her the wrong amount.

I swear my heart jumped when Even appeared, just like Isak’s must have.

Do you think Even meant to walk up to Isak or he just happened to run into him? The former makes more sense as to why he’d be right there at the front of the cafeteria line, but Even also looks so startled and caught off guard. Or maybe he just wasn’t quite prepared to be so close to Isak again, face to face.

It really does not help that Even again looks very healthy and well put together, and Isak just looks devastated. His demeanor is so muted and physically he looks drained, like he hasn’t been sleeping. Even is feigning some energy but Isak can barely summon it.

It does wrench my heart that Isak isn’t even angry at Even here, or pretending to be fine, or anything other than depressed. He doesn’t have the strength for anything else.

Yeah, that is the saddest looking cheese toastie ever. I’d eat it if I had no other options but it’s like the food equivalent of tears.

Even tries to reestablish some friendly contact with that kardemomme reference, which is especially relevant because hey, it’s not just any old small talk, it’s their inside joke, which Even remembers. It’s a personal connection.

Oh God, and it makes me so sad that Isak gives a half-hearted laugh of recognition and tries to recreate the “kardemomme!” line but his voice is broken and not energetic.

True story: when I watched this the first time, I actually yelled, “No!!!” at my computer screen when Isak says “Kardemomme!” in that weak voice. Like, way to cause a pang in my heart, Skam. That was their beautiful bonding moment!!! It made us smile, and now it’s just a shell of its former self. You took something good and used it for evil, Skam.

Even’s smile at Isak’s attempt is genuine but falls as he realizes how messed up Isak is and how this just isn’t the same as before.

What do you think Even wanted to say before Isak ran off? I honestly have no idea. I feel like he wanted to connect with Isak on a more substantial level, IDK, maybe ask how he’s been, but who knows? There are many possibilities. Go for another joke, go for a neutral topic. Try to communicate that he still wants Isak, try to avoid that territory. But Isak couldn’t let him get another word out.

The fact that Isak can’t take anymore and runs off without waiting makes my soul turn to dust. And Even looks back at him before leaving.

I think Even really was rattled by this encounter. Like ... Isak was rough. Even broke up with him as a means of protecting them both, but clearly it didn’t work as well as he hoped since Isak is suffering. You know he’s thinking to himself, You did this. You made him hurt like this. And I think this is when Even starts to reconsider whether it was the right move to break up with him. Maybe even for himself, because he misses Isak so much and having Isak not want to talk to him, barely able to look at him, is too much to handle.

Clip 4 - The queen of Skam returns

Time for the Norwegian goddess of wisdom to make another appearance!

Lmao, the opening conversation is about someone pissing her pants while exercising. The women blame it on a lack of Kegel exercises. This is all openly discussed in the waiting room within earshot of Isak. Somehow I think Dr Skrulle is in her element. Nissen’s medical staff must just attract ladies prone to TMI and bizarre anecdotes.

The “eye exam” poster in the office says YOU SHOULD BE WORKING NOW, by the way.

Oh man, this was the point when fans thought Isak was going to steal Linn’s sleeping pills, or get sleeping pills and OD on them! Such a tense week. Isak is so miserable that it felt like something drastic could happen. We were all yelling for something good to happen this week.

I feel like when you step into this doctor’s office, time and space are slightly altered. 

Truly there is nothing like Isak taking a seat and immediately within his line of vision is the good doctor and a dildo. He must feel like the presence of an artificial penis is the world is taunting him again.

This scene’s funny because Isak gets to play the straight man (ha ha) to the doctor. She exists in her own world and Isak is just this befuddled teenager trying to make sense of her. 

Isak can barely look at Skrulle when he’s telling her about his problems. I guess you could read this scene as Isak badly wanting those pills and playing up his distress so she’ll give them to him, but I think he really is that miserable, as evidenced by everything we’ve seen of him this week, and he has trouble opening up to anyone about his problems so this is probably a last resort for him.

“I don’t drive a car, though.” AS WE WILL LEARN IN S4.

I remember that one interview Tarjei gave where he was going over his traffic problems, and lol, I feel you, kid.

Legit nothing like a Skrulle story to put your problems in perspective. Also, A+ segue from the story of someone getting into an accident and ending up in a wheelchair to asking Isak more about his sleep problems. And by A+ segue I mean there is no segue at all.

Isak’s sleep has gotten worse over the past few weeks, for reasons that are quite obvious to the viewers. Even’s presence will do that to you.

The doctor wants to refer Isak to a mental health clinic, and he doesn’t want that. In fact, Isak is really, really against this, like … more than just not wanting to, he’s vehemently saying no over and over. This absolutely has to do with his ableist beliefs and his stigma against the mentally ill. Isak definitely isn’t going to be like one of those people. Isak can’t be mentally ill. He can’t talk to a therapist. Just like he didn’t want to be scene as one of those ultra-gay people, he can’t lump himself in with people who need help with their mental health. Those people are crazy. 

I remember right after this scene I wondered if Isak would actually go to the mental health clinic where he would run into Even, and that’s how we would learn that Even also has mental health issues. I was going to say that it would have been an awkward moment for them ... but then I realized, it can’t be any worse than how Isak did learn about Even’s mental illness.

Note that in S1, the girls went together to provide support for Vilde, but here in S3, Isak has to do this on his own. Makes sense that Skrulle’s advice ends up being about him not isolating himself and reaching out to others.

You know, I think of the locker room scene as a turning point in the season, but this scene is quietly a turning point as well. Skrulle gives Isak advice that will help him throughout the rest of the season. He can’t keep isolating himself. It’s advice that will not only help Isak, but allow him to extend that help to Even, and even to Sana in the next season. Even though the good doc expresses it in a quirky way, it’s solid advice.

“Don’t you have someone you can talk to?” “TALK TO JONAS,” screamed everyone watching.

Clip 5 - Jonas is king of the bros

Watching this week in real time was so stressful, Isak was so melancholic and alone, and this scene was such. a. relief. It would’ve been wonderful in any context, but it felt like a godsend after seeing Isak go through hell clip after clip.

One of the most observant details about the clip is Isak’s hesitation. He’s about to do something big and it’s not easy to just launch into it. He stands and watches Jonas for a little bit because, you know, it’s Jonas and Jonas is his best bro, but that doesn’t crush all the doubts in his head about what Jonas’ reaction could be. Not to mention he and Jonas haven’t had the best relationship lately.

But Jonas is still friendly when Isak approaches him. Perhaps he realizes that this is when Isak is going to tell him about whatever’s on his mind. Plus, you know, I’m sure he missed Isak! They’re best friends, it can’t have been great from Jonas’ POV to feel shut out from him.

I don’t know if there was any strategy involved in getting kebab other than teenage boys needing kebab to live, but it works as an icebreaker/apology of sorts (since Isak is paying) and I think, a buffer? It helps if there’s an activity like eating happening when Isak comes out, and that he’s not just telling a personal secret with nothing else to occupy Jonas’ attention.

Also, that they’re sitting on a bench side by side in this scene reminds me of all those Tumblr posts about how common it is for LGBT people to come out in cars, and how it’s easier to do when you’re not face to face. Isak and Jonas are looking at each other and making eye contact, but I do think it helps to have your bodies facing forward rather than toward each other. It gives a little distance, makes it less intimidating for Isak.

I just want to shout out that poster in the kebab shop window, which says, “EVERYDAY IT’S KEBAB TIME.” You’re damn right it is.

I feel like Jonas is telling this random puke story to Isak so Isak can work up to whatever he’s going to say. You can tell Isak’s listening but he’s not 100% there.

By the way, this puke story sounds like it could be about Magnus, except Isak says, “It’s never the ones that you expect that throw up,” and Magnus is absolutely someone I would expect to ruin his chances with a girl by throwing up all over her feet. Maybe this story was about the mysterious Julian Dahl!

Continuing on the point above about Isak’s hesitation, the pacing of this scene is a huge part of what makes it so great. Because Isak doesn’t sit down and start coming out right away, he doesn’t have a speech prepared (not that that it’s wrong or unrealistic to prepare a speech, but with Isak, he’s not a preparedspeech kind of guy). He has to work up his courage piece by piece over this conversation. He lets Jonas bullshit a bit, there’s a long silence where Isak keeps glancing over at Jonas as they eat, and you know he’s working out his nerves, wondering about Jonas’ reaction, getting himself to the point where he can just say it. Tarjei’s acting in this scene is so subtle and spectacular.

Jonas is such a dear, though. Marlon does this scene really really well because Jonas isn’t like … overcompensating or overly enthusiastic, he’s not pressing Isak too much. He’s very casual, but you can also see, for instance, when Isak brings up that he’s been acting weird lately, that Jonas looks at him attentively, ready to listen, because finally Isak is going to open up.

Just saying “there’s a person that I like” is a big thing for Isak to get out. He doles the information out little by little, he makes Jonas work for it. I think that what Isak is aiming for is similar to what many viewers suspect he wanted from Eva in S1. In the kitchen scene where Eva confronts Isak about ratting her out to Iben, Isak asks her to guess why he did it. You can make a case that he wants her to guess the real reason, that he has feelings for Jonas and is jealous - that maybe a part of him wants her to know and to take it off his mind. But of course she doesn’t guess and he runs with a lie instead. Here, I wouldn’t be surprised if Isak wants Jonas to say it before he has to - that he can come out without needing to say the words.

This is a pretty heartwarming scene, but Isak actually breaks my heart a little when he asks Jonas to guess. There’s so much fragility wrapped up in that moment and in Tarjei’s performance! This poor kid is so nervous.

Although bless Jonas for guessing Vilde, because it probably did give Isak a little moment to be like WTF, no, and make him laugh. 

After that, Jonas says, “Can’t you just tell me?” But of course no, Isak can’t just tell him, because that’s very hard.

I mentioned it in my episode 5 review but again, Isak doesn’t come out by saying he is gay and then going into his relationship with Even. Instead, he phrases everything in terms of actions, in some roundabout ways. he coming out is a step by step process. First, it’s that Isak is acting weird because he likes someone. Then “It’s not a girl.” He doesn’t even say, “It’s a guy,” he says it’s not a girl because that’s the less direct way of saying it, of course.

Isak gets so alert and on edge after he says it’s not a girl. Waiting and watching for Jonas’ reaction. Nervous as to what’s it going to be. Meanwhile Jonas just keeps eating that fucking kebab. Like Isak could have said, “The reason I’ve been acting so strange lately is that I found out Donald Trump is my uncle,” and Jonas would have been like munch munch munch.

I think the fact that Jonas reacts so nonchalantly when he says, “Is it me?” helps Isak quite a bit. Not only is it a funny comment, but like … if Jonas is so casual about Isak potentially liking him, then surely he can’t be that bothered by Isak liking another boy? And Jonas is just like, “What, am I completely unattractive?” Which again, is a joke but also lets Isak know that Jonas is chill, he’s not worried about Isak the predatory gay guy perving on Jonas or any of those homophobic stereotypes.

And obviously, this scene is hilarious if you’ve seen S1 and are calling bullshit on Isak not liking Jonas. No, Jonas, I don’t like you! WTF! Bruh, you set fire to Eva’s social standing and her relationship because you had a crush on her boyfriend.

But man, you can see Isak lighten up sooooo much after this exchange. He got the words out there and Jonas didn’t react badly, they managed to joke about it, so far everything is the same between them. The happiness in his eyes is observable.

I don’t think Jonas had completely guessed Isak was gay, or dating a boy, until this moment. I feel like there were a number of things that seemed odd to him, including that random guy who brought Isak his hat and was at the lockers with him, that Jonas filed away as “huh” moments and that are starting to slot into place with Isak’s admission here. We know that Jonas recognized the “left your hat in the cafeteria” story as bullshit (clarified in the script), so he’s been picking up here and there on things that seem unusual or out of place.

You can see Jonas mouth “Even” to himself after Isak says the name, and it’s such a small gesture but it’s the sweetest thing? Like he’s making sure to absorb this detail, or that he’s finally putting a name to a face, and to the cause of all Isak’s weirdness lately. There’s a warmth to it.

Lmao, Jonas saying Even is a good-looking guy and Isak reacting with laughter and bafflement. It’s a silly moment but Jonas is kind of complimenting Isak here, like hey, good taste, or hey, congrats on bagging such a hottie. Not to mention he’s showing how chill he is with talking about guys’ attractiveness, something Isak himself struggles with. Of course there are higher stakes for Isak to admit a guy is hot when he’s actually gay and Jonas is a straight dude, meaning it’s not as loaded of a statement, but still, it’s positive for Isak to be around guys who can just say other guys look good and have it not be the end of the world.

Also, this is probably how Jonas would react if Isak was telling him he liked a girl. You like Emma? She’s hot. Letting Isak in on all these bro bonding moments, not excluding him from this social exchange just because he’s not straight.

And I’m really fond of Jonas being like “What am I supposed to say?” and Isak saying, “I don’t know myself.” To them, they’re not a PSA. They don’t know the “right” words for when someone comes out. They’re just two friends eating kebab on a bench together. Because yeah, there are obvious wrong ways to react to someone coming out, but there’s also no approved script for what to say. Each person is going to be different. I mean, if Jonas made a big deal of it, like, “You are my friend no matter what and I support you,” it would have been a nice gesture, certainly, but that’s not really the relationship he and Isak have, so this would make it artificial and maybe a little awkward. In fact, not having a pre-approved coming out script is a good thing, because Jonas not knowing what to say means he draws on his normal banter and conversation with Isak, which makes it better! That way he’s just treating it like a typical conversation. By reacting casually and not making it a big deal at all, Jonas gives Isak what he needs - nothing is going to change between them, not really. Considering that one of Isak’s greatest fears is that people will think of him differently and judge him a certain way if they know he’s gay, this must be a massive relief to him. 

Additionally, imagine what a relief it is for Isak to be able to give Jonas a rundown of what’s happening with Even. To get off his chest the problems with him and Even; Isak don’t know what’s going on with Even, who has a girlfriend. This is the benefit of him coming out and being honest with Jonas. Suddenly all this shit he’s been bottling up, unable to talk to anyone about, can go through another set of ears. Jonas doesn’t even need to give him great advice or anything. Isak just needs someone to talk to.

Can Isak take some of his father’s guilt money and buy a phone case? Please???

Isak swallows when he realizes what the note in his pocket is. In-universe, it’s really a coincidence that he found the note right after talking to Jonas, but thematically, I don’t think it’s irrelevant that Isak’s bleak week ends after he opens up to someone.

THIS DRAWING. Gosh, it punches me right in the heart? First of all, adorable, and I love that Even always draws Isak with the snapback, and cartoon Even’s hair, and how cartoon Isak is slightly smaller than cartoon Even. But this is actually quite creative and clever of Even, too. I mean, he could have left him a more straightforward note or drawing, but he takes an original concept that’s so them to create something very memorable.

Even has taken several things that are relevant and specific to Isak-and-Even - the inside joke of the cheese toast with cardamom - and a weightier concept that was important to Isak - the parallel universes. Remember, Even wasn’t a fan of the parallel universes when Isak first mentioned them! However, here he’s using them in a way that’s more positive, he’s seeing the benefit of Isak’s worldview.

But what gets me about this sketch is the longing behind it. We have the reality, Isak eating his plain cheese toast alone. And we have the potential other reality, Isak and Even eating their far superior cardamom cheese toast together. It’s something of a kindness to Isak, telling him that somewhere they are together, but also expressing Even’s own desire to be with him. He does want to be with Isak. It’s just that they can’t be together, for mysterious reasons. It’s so bittersweet! They’re together, just not this Isak and this Even.

Even drew this for Isak after seeing him broken and depressed in the cafeteria. I think he really did not know how badly Isak was going to take the breakup and wanted to give him some comfort. This drawing is evidence of Even’s second thoughts.

Lol, and Jonas can’t know the full significance of this sketch, but it doesn’t take a genius to recognize that Even’s giving him handmade drawings of him and Isak together, and to see that for what it is.

“He needs to break up with his girlfriend.” Awww. What a sweet, encouraging thing, to say, and Isak smiles to himself. Things are coming up Valtersen.

This clip is when the hearts on the website turned into rainbow colors, and that alone makes me want to weep. I believe this was one of the most liked clips ever, and logically I do think it was because people were like, “Oooo, pretty!” and hitting that like button to see the rainbow, but I mean. This clip also deserves it.

The fact that this scene is based off a real story also makes me want to cry.

This week was so bleak and hard to get through, Isak just was in a terrible place, and I cannot express the release that the audience felt watching this scene.

The music over the credits is “Express Yourself” by N.W.A. Excellent both because, yeah, express yourself and you’ll be happier, Isak! Be true to who you are! And because Isak had previously mentioned N.W.A. as an example of “music you want to listen to when you want to feel tough.” This is Isak feeling pretty damn confident after things went right.

General Comments

There was very little social media this week, which makes total sense considering the state Isak is in. He’s cut off from all of his social connections.

One of Isak’s most redeeming qualities is his ability to learn from his mistakes. In an example from this week’s social media, he’s apologetic to Eskild in a text message. Eskild ribs him about what Isak said, saying that Eskild is busy working on a mascara collection with Kylie Jenner, before saying that they’re cool, basically. I think Eskild did take Isak’s comments pretty hard but realizes that Isak is young and insecure and not unable to learn.

There is an IG photo from Jonas with Mahdi and Magnus - boy squad minus Isak, just to rub it in (though I doubt that’s why Jonas posted it, to hurt Isak, but it does show how disconnected Isak is).

One of the other few text convos is between Kollektivet, where Isak only supplies one line but Linn mentions taking sleeping pills. For like a day or two, the fan theories were all about Isak stealing her sleeping pills in order to get some rest and accidentally ODing and needing to go to the hospital or something similar.

Isak’s mom sends him a religious text at almost 2 in the morning on Friday, hours before he comes out to Jonas. On the one hand, her texts are another source of stress to Isak. On the other, this text is … actually pretty positive? It’s a Bible verse, Joshua 1:9, which is:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

A lot of Isak’s mom’s texts are about sin, they’re negative and judgmental in nature. This one, by contrast, is affirming. So I think that, even with Mama Valtersen’s texts being a cause for alarm, it’s possible that this text helped Isak before he came out to Jonas. Even with Isak not being a religious person, a general message of being strong and courageous can be an inspiring thing. If that’s the case, then I like that his mom could end up being a source of comfort to her son even prior to episode 9.

#skam reactions #skam season 3 #skam #isak valtersen #evak

[yukiwrites]

A Rough Approval

Thank you for commissioning me again, @xpegasusuniverse! This was so much fun to write, I hope you like it ;D

Summary: After the war, Maribelle returns to Themis with her villager husband, Donnel, in tow. Winning her father’s acceptance won’t be easy... or will it?

Commission info HERE and HERE!

Although the Fell Dragon's demise left a bitter taste in everyone's mouths -- Robin's sacrifice was felt in every soldier's heart, after all -- life waited for no one. It was time for the Shepherds to reform; some would go back home, their duties finished alongside the war, while some would stay.

Maribelle, always a friend of the Crown, remained at the castle, by her friend Lissa's side, for a few weeks until she was sure she could go back home to pursue her own goals. Her husband, Donnel, would go back to the Themis land with her, despite the initial thought of wanting to bring HER to his village.

But she wouldn't fit in that backwater place, nuh-huh. Besides, he knew how much she wanted to become a magistrate, and, if she succeeded, the realm would give a great step towards equality. Maribelle was too precious to simply disappear in the middle of the mountains with him.

"Convincing Father will not be an easy task, darling, however I am certain that he will fall for your charms, much like myself." Maribelle commented as they rode a carriage into Themis land. She had sent a bird ahead of herself explaining the situation and expected her Father to unwelcome them.

The villager blushed deeply, gripping at his favorite pot over his legs as his curls dangled freely with the carriage's sway. "Shucks, Maribelle, what'll I do if tha' happens? I can't marry yer dad..." Nervous, he gulped.

Maribelle giggled, placing her soft hand over his rugged one. "It was a jape, darling. Do cheer up, hm? I simply know that you will get into Father's graces sooner or later. He is not the type to turn his back to raw talent, after all."

Suddenly, Donnel shot up his head. "Ya know what? Bring it on! I can't say tha' I'm gonna surprise 'im with anythin' I know, but my love for ya won't lose to anyone!" He puffed his chest with pride, loudly putting his pot back over his head.

Maribelle placed one hand over her increasingly warm cheek, flattered. "Why, Donny, what a bold declaration of love." She chuckled as he deflated in embarrassment, the pot sliding down to cover his eyes.

"T-that's- the truth, though..." He mumbled, holding her delicate hand with both of his.

The noblewoman placed her free hand over his arm, nudging it slightly. "I do so love you as well, my strong warrior." She said softly before quickly straightening her back even further. "Now! Let us leave this bubbly atmosphere and go back to revising the topics Father is most likely to ask you about! And do take this pot off, darling. I'll have someone brush your hair for you later."

"M-my pot... " He whimpered, but obeyed. "I'm not sure I can learn errything, but I sure as heck'll try!"

"That's my Donny." Maribelle hummed, taking out a thick book from the pile at the seat in front of them. "Now, I want you to recite something from this page..."

Soon they reached the outer gates from the Themis Residence, swiftly being let through the large and intricate garden. Lord Themis himself waited for them at the foot of the front staircase, his arms crossed and his nose lifted up.

He had heard from his daughter's so-called 'marriage' (surely a jest!) while the war still raged. He received a simple letter from a random priest congratulating him for the marriage of his daughter, followed by a message from Maribelle herself. She had told him that she couldn't wait to introduce this 'Donnel' person to him (was that even a name? Gods, what has his daughter done?!) and that he was the person she not only loved but wished to spend her whole life with.

Of course, Themis wasn't a terrible person. He would let his daughter marry the man she loved, of course, as long as he was worthy of her! He had made a thorough background check on that 'Donnel' person. And, of course, no nobles had such base name. No duke, no viscount, no third cousin once removed from a faraway bloodline connecting to a baron had such name. He'd asked his people to look for any 'Donnel's in the Shepherds, but surely no matches were found. It was a big army, after all.

Which only made his heart freeze more.

Did Maribelle marry a commoner? Only one would fade so much into the background it would be impossible to factually check his background. Was that the reason the beautiful handwriting of the priest who sent the letter was written over a Shepherds stamped paper? Did they marry inside the Shepherds garrison?

A commoner... How could his daughter, the most well-mannered, delicate, competent, fierce and noble person he knew marry a commoner, of all people?

The more he thought about it, the deeper was his frown. He watched as the carriage made its way to him and stopped a few meters away. The coachman hurriedly jumped out of his seat to open the door, almost feeling Lord Themis' animosity.

"As I taught you, Donny," Maribelle's voice could be faintly heard from inside, making Lord Themis' heart skip a beat. His darling daughter! "Men exit first, then give their arms to the woman."

"A-aight," a foreign and deeply accented voice left the carriage, and soon it could be attached to a face: A curly-haired, plain-looking and oddly well-dressed young man jumped out, his nervous expression turning soft as he gave his arm so Maribelle could also get off.

What a terrible mismatch!

"What is the meaning of this, Maribelle? You finally come back home after years of war and you bring... this..." he looked at Donnel in disgust, "in tow?"

"Father, where are your manners?" Maribelle lifted her chin, giving a dismissive wave of hand to the coachman so he could leave. "Are you truly so eager to embarrass yourself that you'll make a scene in front of the servants?"

"Do not talk back to me, young lady." He pointed to her, ignoring Donnel's existence completely. "Come with me." He turned on his heel to the staircase.

"Father? This is my husband, Donnel. I'm sure you are flattered to meet him." She narrowed her eyes, her father's reaction much worse than she thought.

Flustered, Donnel bowed. "It's, uh, a pleasure to meet ya, Sir! My name's Donnel an' it would be mighty kind if ya could bless our union!"

"Donnel, hush! This is not something to say while we're out in the open." Maribelle scolded, though her cheeks were under a shade of pink. Such boldness, this man she married had. "Come now, let us follow Father." She nudged on his arm, never letting go of it after exiting the carriage.

"O-oh, right!" He stumbled, not wanting to embarrass his wife. Lord Themis went on ahead without listening to Donnel's introduction.

The noblewoman didn't have the time to greet the servants after her long absence, but she made a mental note to do so after the talk with her father. They were led to a nearby study, into which tea already waited for them.

Or rather, for her. No cups were placed for Donnel.

Lord Themis faced the large window, right behind the desk. "I will not accept this union, Maribelle. Surely you already knew this would happen."

Maribelle did not sit down, not wanting to entertain the silent bullying his father had prepared for Donnel. "I do understand, Father. Believe me when I say that I truly did not expect to fall in love with a commoner of all people. A villager from so tiny a village it does not even have a name!" She placed a few of her golden curls behind her shoulder. "However, whatever assumption you have made of him is wrong, Father. He is not a simple villager, he-"

"He's the man you love, is that what you're going to tell me?" Lord Themis cut her off, turning back to face them as he looked down with almost disgust.

Maribelle narrowed her eyes, placing one hand over her hip. "Why, Father, I expected you of all people to allow others to finish saying their piece without interruption. Nevertheless, that was not what I was going to say -- Donnel is a truly gifted young man. He will not lose to whatever marriage partners you had in mind for me." She stomped her foot, then bobbed her head to the sides, remembering a small detail about her husband. "Of course, apart from owning lands and servants; but we ourselves need not benefit from such things since our land is productive by itself."

Lord Themis didn't want to marry his daughter off to someone wealthy just to increase their own wealth later on; no. He's always wanted her to marry someone of her choice, with a decent background, that would be able to lead their land once he was gone.

Surely a commoner who needed litters of lotion to cover up the smell of pig and earth coming from him would never be able to do such a feat. "You do realize that, besides supposedly marrying behind my back, you are suggesting that a villager can manage our finances." He exhaled deeply, the cold rage he felt making his fingers tremble.

"Um, I'm sorry for buttin' in, sir, but we did errything legit, that we did! We had a priest bless our union an' all!" Donnel gripped at his uncomfortable vest, missing the pot on his head to mess with.

Lord Themis grimaced at every single grammar murder the young man did, sighing so deeply he had to place both hands over the desk so as not to deflate completely. "Nothing that I cannot cover up-"

"Father! You are not proposing breaking the law simply to fit your own preconceived whims, are you?! Saved from the court's wrath you were once due to false accusations, I will not hesitate to send you back there if you truly try to bend the laws!"

Surprised and, most of all, hurt, Lord Themis lifted his disgruntled gaze to his daughter. "Threatening your own father now, are you, Maribelle? Is this whelp truly worth breaking our family apart?"

"Listen to yourself, Father!" Maribelle gesticulated, feeling increasingly upset. "You are letting your own prejudiced ideals speak before you think! Have you lost all faith in your daughter after these years of war? I told you he is a gifted man that will not bring shame to our name."

Donnel looked from father to daughter as though watching a ball game the whole time. He gulped, his chest being filled with confidence with each word his wife uttered. "I'll prove 'ta ya, Your Lordyfulness, Sir! I still have a lot ta learn, but I'm a good student, I am! Shucks, Teach Miriel gave me full marks in ev'ry subject an' said she ain't got nothin' more ta teach me so I could teach erryone back at my village!"

Used to his way of speaking, Maribelle simply nodded in accordance. "He has a terrifyingly good memory, Father. He's memorized the entire Law Code in only two weeks!" She hummed proudly, "he also has great reflexes and a keen eye for spotting AND solving trouble."

His own personal rage apart, Lord Themis knew he only needed a competent son-in-law to pass the dukedom to. But he was most of all baffled that his daughter let a childish love blind her from reality. There was absolutely no way that that unwashed whelp was fit for her and their land.

Lord Themis couldn't fathom that. "Very well, I shall play along." He crossed his arms, intent on never approving of that boy. "If you pass the tests I give you, I shall bless your union."

"R-really? Yeeehaw!" Donnel hopped, bright-eyed. He hugged his wife by reflex, but Lord Themis' animosity quickly brought him back to his senses, making him let go of her altogether.

"You will not regret this decision, Father." Maribelle gave a soft smile with an approving nod, her hand lingering by Donnel's chest. "Throw whatever you have at us and you shall not be disappointed."

Themis raised one eyebrow at the 'us', but let it slide as he once again put both hands behind his back. "A noble must, above all, have grace, poise and an imposing aura." He scrutinized Donnel with a judging eye, "clearly you lack these on your own feet, however will that change over a horse? It is demanded of a Lord to know how to ride."

Donnel's shoulders sagged visibly, and he had to gulp down a scoff lest he sounded condescending. "Horses? Shucks, ain't that test too easy? I been 'round 'em my whole life."

Lord Themis smirked, making Maribelle finally understand where he was going. He didn't mean-?!

"Clearly you've never met Bucephalus."

Immediately did the villager blush deeply. "Buceph-" He stuttered, then leaned over to Maribelle, shocked. "I-is it a common noble thang ta name yer horses after... this... kinda stuff...?" He coughed, making Maribelle immediately redden in return.

She smacked him with her parasol. "Donnel! Clearly this is not what the name means!" She cleared her throat.

"Owow-" he covered his head with both hands, "there's 'nother meanin' for it? Shucks, but I can't unhear it now."

Exhaling deeply, Themis ignored the childish display and rang a small bell to call for the butler. He then had the servant arrange for their most untamed, ferocious and unruly horse to be brought to the equestrian facility, saddled, if possible, though not exactly necessary. Only one in fifty tries succeeded in saddling that beast, after all.

Maribelle frowned the entire way as they went to the training grounds, not exactly fearing for her husband, but still apprehensive. Meanwhile, Lord Themis had a wide smirk on his face, expecting the boy to run away with his tail behind his legs after being placed face to face with that horse-shaped demon.

"Yeeehaw! Tha's a great breeze from up 'ere!"

Blinking, Lord Themis had to rub his eyes more than once to truly believe in what he was seeing: Not only did Donnel tame that demonic horse, he went through all obstacles with the utmost ease.

"I am seeing things." He mumbled. "It hasn't been two minutes yet."

Maribelle laughed loudly, "excuse me," she apologized, hiding under her open fan. "A diamond in the rough, my lord Father. A diamond in the rough." She said proudly, waving at Donnel as he galloped closer.

"This big boy 'ere's so easy ta control! My old mule could learn a thing or two from 'im."

Flabbergasted, but not about to let that show in his expression, Lord Themis cleared his throat and turned his back to them, adjusting his cravat. "A noble is not only grace, but brains as well. Join me for a game of chess, young man."

Donnel beamed, taking that as a compliment. "Ya see that, Maribelle?! I did it!"

"I never once doubted you would, darling." She hummed, welcoming him as he jumped off of the horse. "Let us go quickly before he forgets what he saw, hmm?"

Not understanding the depth of his feat, Donnel tilted his head to the side, enjoying how Maribelle wrapped her arm against his so he could lead her back to the mansion.

Once there, at the same study they were an hour previous, Donnel placed one fist over his open palm, as though finally realizing something. "Ohh, so this game's name's chess!"

Maribelle felt dread inside her chest. "D-darling, truly we went through this before? Did we not?" She placed squeezed his arm.

With an easygoing smile, Donnel sat at Lord Themis' opposing chair, humming a song or another. "Ya played with me once or twice, methinks... But I played it more with that old fox Robin!"

"Truly? I did not page Robin as an admirer of such a game." Maribelle sat on the nearest fainting couch so as to watch the match.

"He was hard as balls ta beat! I only won a coupla times." He commented absent-mindedly as he thought up the moves.

Humph, Themis scoffed mentally. I am not about to lose to a random villager with no experience in such a fine art-

"How can this be?!" He slammed both hands on the board, shaking the pieces without knocking them over. "I cannot possibly have lost to-"

"Why, Father, you were soundly beat!" Maribelle sounded as surprised as he did, getting up to squeeze her husband's shoulder. "I thought you said you only won a few times, darling?"

"Muh?" Donnel turned to his wife. "Robin was a lot tougher ta beat, though. An' his game was a tad different, too..." He said without thinking, then quickly slapped his mouth with wide eyes. "I-uh, didn't mean no disrespect, sir, uh..."

Lord Themis felt life ebbing away from the tip of his fingers. He lost? To a villager?

Unacceptable.

He still had one last card to play. That whelp would not be able to hold up to that!

"Lastly but no less important; a noble needs to manage his lands appropriately." He tried to compose himself as much as he could, but Maribelle's sneering gaze pierced holes on him as he got up. "I will now show you classified documents that only the lord of the land has access to."

"Classy documents-" Donnel started, but Maribelle elbowed him on the ribs.

"Secret, Donnel. Secret documents." She whispered gravely, not wanting her father to lose any respect Donnel might've earned.

"Owow, aight." He massaged the afflicted area, following Lord Themis to behind his desk.

"I have received these today," Themis whammed a pile of documents over the table. "They are reports from our border villages which include how much shipment we've bought or sold for them as well as the amount of taxes we are receiving from them -- or if there are any overdues. I want you to go over them and give me a solution to a problem that's clearly stated there." He lifted his chin, "I, of course, already went through them and know the answer. Do the same now."

"Father, without proper training, there is no way for a person to manage something as large as our lands in such short notice-" Maribelle walked over to the desk, gripping at her father's sleeve.

Deep in concentration, Donnel took the first paper and tilted his head to the side. "Basically ya wanna me ta fix the problem in 'ere, right?" He scratched his head.

Lord Themis smirked. "Yes, I suppose."

"Aight!" Donnel stuck out his tongue as he usually did when focused, rolling up his sleeves. "Can I sit 'ere, sir? It's a mighty fine chair so I can take these ta read on the floor-"

"You may," Themis did a dismissive wave of hand, turning his back to the young man. "Enjoy it while you can."

"Father!" Maribelle complained. "You are not being reasonable."

"S'okay, Maribelle. Compared to Teach Miriel's classes, this ain't gonna be hard." Donnel scratched the back of his head, crossing both legs over the chair, deep in thought.

"It is still unacceptable." Maribelle turned on her heel to be beside her husband. "He is being stubborn and childish simply because you've shown promise."

"Ah, I found it!" He said suddenly, raising one document up.

"Preposterous. It took me half a day to-- ahem. Do show me, boy."

"I heard 'bout this village 'ere, see? It's real close ta the border and it sells cheap wood for building. An' just cause it's cheap it don't mean it's bad, nuh-huh! Ya can save a lot of money if ya stop buyin' from this old pitch'a wood 'ere and buy from this 'ere village instead! I betcha there're lotsa muscle there to be hired too, so ya'll be makin' more jobs an' having the folks that're missin' the taxes pay 'em on time!"

Midway to Donnel's speech, Lord Themis took his handkerchief out so as to dry the cold sweat dripping down his forehead. That crude boy found a better solution to his own?! "W-who ARE you, boy? Certainly misplaced by birth or-"

"Why, Father, have I not told you? He is a diamond in the rough -- and perhaps, not to rough anymore, hmm?"

"Weh?" Not realizing he had passed every test, Donnel was still focused on the matter of the late taxes. "I was born way at the bonkers, sir, so maybe I was misplaced after all? Hehe!" He smiled brightly, making Themis lower his head.

"I give up." He said finally, feeling his blood pressure shoot up. "I give my blessings or whatever you both want." He whispered. "I... can't wait... to have you in our family... Donnel." Every word a chose to say, Themis didn't look the young man in the eye as he struggled to accept that Donnel was indeed everything Maribelle had paged him for and more.

Curse and bless him at the same time!

"Oh, Father, I knew you would come to!" Maribelle smiled brightly.

"T-that means I passed? B-but I barely did anything, sir!"

"Humble as always, darling. However, a win is a win, so do not undermine your efforts, hmm? Now come here and give me a hug as the newest heir of the Themis house!"

Lord Themis groaned, turning his face away from the scene. "We still need to polish him more." He grumbled, though feeling somewhat lighter than ever. His daughter never smiled like that in his presence, nor did she defend someone so vehemently.

Her happiness was still the first and foremost thing in his mind, after all. He would come to accept her poor choice in husband with time. Time, effort and a lot of getting used to his strange accent.

#donnel #maribelle #donnel x maribelle #fire emblem awakening #fanfic commissions #Yuki's Commissions #my writings

[miximax-hell]

First of all: KURIMATSU FAMILY. THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME IN YEARS.

...Ahem.

It’s been about (over, cough) 3 months since my last proper post. Sigh. Life sure sucks when you finish what was the best semester of your university career and then you’re suddenly back home and wondering how to deal with... life. A life that you didn’t even think about for quite a few months and suddenly hits you in the face.

That kind of drained me. Sinusitis didn’t help either, but it was mostly a combination of feeling out of place in my own house, a complete lack of motivation to be productive (then again, I’m on holidays, so I guess taking a break after uni was a legit thing to do) and just bad feelings in general. Not very nice.

But oh well! The best way to stop overthinking and start acting is to act, so even if it took me a while to get started, here I am with the first miximax I have designed in quiiite some time. And nothing suits this heavy amount of rust better than a character that is known for sucking in general, like our much beloved Megane Kakeru.

Luckily for him, though, Megane is miximaxed with Yamano Ban, the (somewhat) charismatic protagonist of the Danball Senki series! And if you’re thinking, “hey, you cheeky little bastard! You always say you will only use one character from each franchise and you’ve already used Hiro before!,” I’ll kindly redirect you to this ancient post where I said that I may use up to two characters from L5 franchises if the matches were nice enough. And considering I thought of this one waaay before I thought of Toramaru’s, I really wanted to make use of that exception. I asked @great-blaster about her opinion on something related to this miximax around... 4 years ago, so go figure.

Well, that was one long intro. More information regarding Megane’s miximax can be found under the cut. As it used to happen back when I was, you know, not lazy.

Okay, so! It’s been a while, we’re all excited about Ares coming out soon and we could use a little action, so let’s focus on Megane’s powers! This whole poor mood has kept me from doing some actual and proper thinking, but I think writing will help me come up with ideas for him on the go, so let’s tackle it one subject at a time.

First of all, let’s start what the one thing I do know, and one of the main reasons to want Ban as an aura. Ban is a scout character in Chrono Stone and Galaxy, and he has an exclusive hissatsu technique that no other character in the game can use, simply because it involves the use of Ban’s LBX. This hissatsu is called Glorious Ray, and is taken straight from Danball Senki W, where it’s one of Ban’s strongest attack functions (the DanSen equivalent of Inazuma’s special techniques). And, gosh, am I a sucker for exclusive things. So of course it’d be a very deciding factor and one of MegaBan’s main perks.

Glorious Ray isn’t just an exclusive technique, but a really, really powerful one. Just so you can get an idea, in Galaxy, it has a base power of 190, while The Earth ∞, a 3-player combo hissatsu that is supposed to be one of the strongest techniques in the game, has a base power of 200. Definitely not something to mess with. And while it is indeed very overpowered, this matches Megane perfectly too.

Those who haven’t played the games wouldn’t know, but Megane is prone to learning extremely powerful techniques when he reaches very high levels. His abilities include Divine Arrow, Chaos Break, Fuurinkazan Destroyer, Saikyou Eleven Hadou and even the aforementioned The Earth ∞. Truly a force to reckon, even if his stats still let him down. In any case, learning terribly overpowered hissatsus is common for him, and getting one more suits him perfectly.

Now, this covers the first hissatsu, but not the second one. A quick look at Inazuma’s wiki will tell us that Ban learns 3 other moves: Odin Sword, Decoy Release and Fukutsu no Seishin. We may choose one of these or try to come up with a whole new one, so let’s see.

Odin Sword is completely out of the question. This is Fideo’s hissatsu and I love him too much to steal his technique so cheaply. In my heart, the only person who can use Odin Sword besides Fideo is Handa. ...Whoops, my bias is showing. Excuse me.

Decoy Release maaay work, but I don’t especially dig it. It feels so out of place. You wouldn’t relate this technique to Ban at all, so it isn’t tempting to add it to the mix.

And last, but not least, we have Fukutsu no Seishin. If you don’t feel like checking the wiki, I’ll tell you that Fukutsu no Seishin is a skill that improves a character’s hissatsus when he or she is tired. This does suit Ban, since *+*+*drama*+*+* forces him to have clutch wins all the time. ww When you are tired and almost dead is when you awaken your true power, and let’s be honest--Megane spends most of his time in the field tired and almost dead, so this could actually prove to be a wonderful skill for him to have. Not to mention that staying mixitransed is said to drain you very fast (and it does in the games), so he would be able to activate this ability quite early on.

What is the bad thing, then? Well... in terms of *+*+*drama*+*+* and general Inazuma storytelling, skills aren’t the most... interesting things. We want explosions and quick moves and stuff, not a skill that suddenly activates out of the blue and makes you stronger. ...Then again, Pokémon DP based Ash’s Chimchar’s power entirely on his Blaze ability. If they could do that, I guess I can too. I guess.

But, yeah. I’ll keep this for now since it’s pretty much the perfect skill for Megane, but I’ll see if I can come up with something better.

(I doubt it.)

With that out of the way, let’s jump into what hissatsu would get powered up by this miximax. The easy answer is... none. You see, Megane and Ban fit so well together, but, for the most part, Megane’s hissatsus don’t fit him at all. The only ones that fit him are Megane Crash (obviously), Perfect Course, the ever-present Yakubyougami, maybe Future Eye... and Super Scan. And, if I had to choose, this last hissatsu would be the one getting the miximax boost.

Super Scan, a game-exclusive technique that has two different versions (an offensive one and a defensive one, both of which Megane can use), involves a bunch of screens appearing around the user, which tell them how the rival will move and how to counter him/her, whether it is to steal the ball or to dribble. The single reason why this could work is because, much like MegaBan has access to Ban’s LBX, he also has access to his CCM! The little phone-like thing they use to control the LBXs, that is.

Now, these CCMs have screens--and multiple ones, at times. Couldn’t MegaBan check all the information that Super Scan provides from his CCM, which would make it more accurate due to the use of, well, actual technology rather than sheer Inazuma logic? Well, there’s a thought. I’m not sure if it’s a thought I’ll actually develop, but there’s a thought.

This, however, gives me a new and exciting idea. Those who have watched Danball Senki will know (and if you haven’t and you plan to do so, spoiler ahead for the rest of the paragraph) that some LBXs and users can use special modes to power themselves up in the middle of the fight. It certainly would be useful to be able to have a power-up of that kind for Megane and for Toramaru. Some kind of WX/WV Mode to use in the aforementioned clutches. In terms of Inazuma logic, this could be some Chara Change/alter ego thing with some kind of time restriction, a hissatsu tactics of sorts or even a skill that requires to be losing to activate, like Never Give Up. There are so many possibilities, thankfully!

End of spoilers here. You may read on. ww

Now, for the last subject to cover, we find ourselves stuck. An impasse, so to speak.

I always think about how a miximax affects the vessel’s natural abilities. What changes? Which of the vessel’s abilities improve? Which don’t? Incidentally, which do actually get worse? And how do these changes make the vessel a more unique player?

Well, the thing is that Megane has no skills. He sucks. Not like Handa, but for real. He was, quite literally, completely useless before the miximax, so we really don’t have anything to work with. His only redeeming point, if we may call it that, are his super strong hissatsus, which are often nearly useless with such poor stats (save for a couple of games where he was made to be sliiightly better. But let’s roll with the general “forever shitty” tone).

This means that Megane is... nothing. He is a proper zero. He has no real skills to add to, save for a ludicrously high luck stat in Chrono Stone and Galaxy--the only games where Ban is a playable character. So we can assume that Megane + Ban = lucky Ban. In that case, let’s look at Ban and see what we can do.

Ban boasts an impressive kick stat--better than young Gouenji’s and just as good as Ishido’s. He’s definitely a powerhouse with super good hissatsus to boot. We are quite over the whole “look at how powerful I am” thing--if we just want power, we can resort to GouYuu or SomeKyu, for example. So, no. Sheer power isn’t quite enough anymore.

There is, however, a way to make MegaBan special without making weird things up and respecting the actual information provided by the canon of the games.

We have a fast and powerful striker--GouYuu. We have a massive powerhouse that hits like a truck despite being slow--SomeKyu. We have a witty and tricky striker who plays mindgames on his rivals--MaxLink. And... a few undescribed forwards, too. ww But MegaBan relies on an entirely different concept to make him special and... usable. Worthy.

MegaBan is the Crit King.

In the Inazuma games, much like in any other RPG, our characters may perform critical moves, which end up being heaps stronger than they would normally be. Incidentally, they may also miss, which means the move will be heaps weaker than usual. Whether a character is prone to crits or to misses is based on its luck stat and not on the move used.

Megane has a huge luck stat, as mentioned, which means many of his moves will be critical. With such terrible stats, however, even his crits won’t be anything special. Nothing to be too proud of.

Megane, however, is miximaxed with Ban, who boasts a power that can rival that of adult ace strikers like Gouenji even though he’s still a kid. He is an all-around great player, but probably not all that special compared to the rest of the members of this big miximax team.

But an above average striker who lands crits continuously, thus improving not only the strength of his shots, but the strength of absolutely everything he does, is a whole different matter. MegaBan’s actual strength is constantly being multiplied due to his sheer dumb luck (and, potentially, the aforementioned skills), thus improving his shots, dribbles and steals greatly. Definitely a very multitalented forward and a great addition to the team, if you ask me.

...At least, for as long as he can stay mixitransed. Or for as long as his natural skill Yakubyougami doesn’t play tricks on him.

#Megane Kakeru #original Raimon #settei #Inazuma Eleven #miximax #mixi max #info #powers

[evergrowingfarm]

I kid you not, I’ve tried to sit down to write and update in this space no less than four times over the past several weeks. And yet, here I am, on the tail end of summer, filled with approximately 15 billion fun things to tell you since our last proper update and unsure how to get it all down except to just do it 😉

And so it goes.

Except now there’s exciting news to share and how could I not share exciting news with you all?!

Yes, you may have noticed a cute little hairy piglet above in the featured photo for this post… And with that you may (or may not) have wondered if you’d missed something.

Let me assure you, you didn’t.

Our two piglets just arrived yesterday and we are absolutely smitten!

But before we head into that chapter, how about that quick update, ha?

Because summer…whew…

Summer was a trip.

Filled with ups and downs, exhaustion and exhilaration, reflections and plans…

It was also hot and hard, filled with hail storms and crop losses.

I thanked the Universe more than once that we were/are not trying to make a full-time income off the farm yet because we would have had a helluva a time doing so this year.

Yes, there are apples on trees, but they’re all hail damaged and so not pretty enough to sell at Market. So, we’ll enjoy a ton of cider instead.

Yes, the berries have finally found their push, but only after a few setbacks due to hail and heavy storms. So, we’re freezing as much as we can and eating them fresh while they’re at their juiciest.

Yes, there is chile, but a mere fraction of what we’d hoped for due to the super chilly spring into summer period we had. So, we’ll have a few meals and count ourselves lucky to live in a state where others have faired better than we have in that department.

The blue corn is just starting to capture its color and I’m anxiously waiting to harvest it all and see what’s really under all those husks.

Definitely practicing patience on that one 😉

And the garden? Well, it’s boasted a few handfuls of bush beans and tomatoes. Nothing to write home about for sure, but there are pumpkins still in there giving it the old college try, so we’ll keep our fingers crossed for a proper harvest.

The goats are adapting to their new herd dynamics after we sold off several of our does in an attempt at relieving some stress and cutting a few costs. We didn’t realize how intensely the dynamics would change between each of the girls upon doing so, though. With our new learnings, will approach any sell-offs a bit differently in the future.

We had two mama ducks hatch out nearly forty fluffy butts (in total) a mere five days apart from each other, so we’re navigating how to sell a few and how to raise the rest up for a couple of months before dispatching them to Freezer Camp.

And then there’s the question about where they might live in the meantime while they size up because they surely cannot all stay in the same area. No answers yet on that one, but a couple of creative ideas are floating around.

Did I mention another mama duck has set a clutch as well?

Yeah…abundance at it’s best!

The Olive Eggers we added to the farm last Spring are laying the most glorious green eggs I’ve ever seen! Big Homestead Goal achieved on that one 🙂

It’s the little things, right?

The turkeys this year (four each of Blue Slates and Bourbon Reds) are just the sweetest birds we’ve raised. Curious and calm, I simply adore them! We are even contemplating (yes, again) keeping a mating pair to try our hand at letting them raise their own sweet babes next season. Of course, we may decide differently once the temps start to drop (as we’ve done the last few years) so only time can tell.

  View this post on Instagram

  A post shared by Melissa • Ever Growing Farmer (@evergrowingfarm) on Aug 4, 2019 at 9:28am PDT

And so now, minus all the silly details, I’ve brought you up to present time and a big announcement!

If you follow along on Instagram, you may already know that, crazy as it sounds, we went ahead and decided to add two (yet unnamed) Kunekune pigs to the farm!

Yes, two sweet babes arrived yesterday and are already creating so much joy in our hearts and on the property!

The intention for these cuties is three-fold:

Weed control, orchard clean up, and land fertilization in a rotational grazing program with the poultry and goats

These two will be our mated pair, making babies for two purposes: we will sell some to other breeders (yes, they’re all registered and legit) and

We will, eventually send some to Freezer Camp because…bacon (plus other cuts, obviously)

Kunekunes have been on our wish list for years now but I’ve always been hesitant about our capacity for adding yet more animals to our workload. That being said, Kim must have caught me on a good day when she found the ad for these two because I said yes and my answer didn’t change after sleeping on it so…PIGS!

And so, there you have it! A quick (?) update after much radio silence due to all.things.farming.related.

Apologies.

How other farmers are able to keep a regular blog I may never understand…though maybe if I didn’t have an off-farm job I’d be able to carve out more time for such things as this space?

Surely that extra “free time” would get sucked up elsewhere, though, right?

As we slide into the cooler months, we’ve just celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary (though we’ve got 13 years total under our belts), Ember is playing her first season of soccer and there’s a vacation to Mexico we’re counting down to. The to-do lists that may be legitimately a mile long, but we’re doing our best to live our Bucket List, so we’re breathing into all the busy-ness of it and counting our blessings.

Whew!

Now, do tell… What’s happening in your neck of the woods?

I hope you’re well, Friends. Let’s try to catch up more often, please 🙂

xoxo,

M

The Other Side of Summer I kid you not, I've tried to sit down to write and update in this space no less than four times over the past several weeks.

[phobio2000]

Meekness

July 26, 2018, Thursday

At The Livingroom Cafe

One of my favorite movies is “Lord of Wars”, starring Nicolas Cage. It’s not like my all time favorite, one of the best of all times, but it is a very well made narrative that’s full of details and insights about the various aspects of being a successful arms dealer. I thought it was brilliant.

The movie ended with the main character saying something like “The meek does not inherit the earth, arms dealers do, because after everyone is done killing one another, they’ll be the only ones left.”

I’ve heard of a pastor of a very heavenly-centric ministry (as if they are preparing for a greater afterlife by sacrificing the present life, which is basically what buddhists do, and while it’s Bible based, I wonder how well does the ministry message stay unbiased and within the correct context) who said that the meek will inherit the earth in the next life, in heaven, when the Lord returned and re-establish the world order in a righteous and holy way. While I think that is definitely true, but does this mean that the implication is to forego this life altogether in pursuit of a better heavenly life through parking your butt in a chair and pray all day? Well, this is pretty much what buddhists do. They park their butts and pray to Buddha all day in hope for a better afterlife or a better reincarnation. It’s almost weird and dreary and even eerie. I think the various aspects and implications of any given teaching must be examined to prove its legitimacy, but even before that, Jesus has already taught us that we are to tell a tree by the fruit it bears, that a bad tree cannot bear good fruit and a good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and by the fruit you will be able to discern the false prophets (or problematic teachings of sketchy ministries, for that matter). Notice the wisdom of God, that you don’t have to be an expert on theology, but just simply apply your life experience, discernment, and common sense, and you’ll be able to tell what ministry is sketchy, enough to save your own butt from getting tricked.

Because, Satan is said to be the father of all lies, and his power is in his lies. So if we only pay attention to the message and the teachings alone, we would be playing right into the predators’ hands, doing exactly what they want us to do. Furthermore, if we do that, coupled with not applying critical thinkings and asking the right questions, then we are likely going to get into a lot of trouble.

It’s like that movie “My Cousin Vinny”, when Vinny was trying to convince his nephew to trust him and let him represent him as his attorney, he showed him a deck of cards and said something like “The prosecutor is going to build a house of cards. He’s going to show the jury every side, every angle, convincing them that it’s a real house, but he is not going to show the side view. Because, from that angle, everyone will see that it is just a house of card, paper thin, not the real thing, and we know that it isn’t real because you are innocent.”

So here is the second thing to look for, with the first being examining the fruit. What are these people like, how honest are they, how happy are they, how transparent are they, how do they conduct themselves (other than just being “holier than thou”), what do they do when they face conflict of interest, what is their strategy on handling life and getting ahead, how sincere are they, what are their goals and objectives, personal and ministry-wise, and etc.? And then, the second thing to look for is to scrutinize the ministry from different angles to see how legit and real is it. Chances are, with almost all ministry, or people, or family, or any organization, it would be at best, part real, part house of cards. And it would be yet another difficult thing to determine overall how legit is it, is there enough truth and good in it to consider it legit, how do you know your assessment and ruler is correct, how do you know you saw everything, how do you know you have not been placed under their spell already and have your judgment clouded? This can be really difficult. I personally make this kind of mistake all the time, being so lenient and willing to see the good in people and entities, cutting people slacks, giving people the benefit of the doubt, so that, even though I believe I really understand well how it all works, yet in terms of applying what I know, I have been pretty much a failure. Because, I feel that, on the other end of the spectrum, people tend to be too critical, playing it too safe, being too quick to judge and come to conclusions too quickly, so that, their hearts are not really about seeking the truth and opportunities to grow and solve problems, but to hedge themselves in a cocoon where they can comfortably do their own things and live their lives, having no burning passion to see God’s will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. And, for me, coming from that background myself, I would rather keep putting myself out there and get my butt kicked over and over and cry over and over, than to fall back in to my old pattern, obtained through the environment I grew up in. Chinese has this saying “Just stick to sweeping the snow off your own driveway” (自掃門前雪). I think this is a very common mentality that greatly attributes to why there are so many problems in this world, because we have set the expectations too low, that, as long as you sweep snow off your own driveway well, you are already a fabulous person. This is not what the Bible teaches. We need to take a closer look and reexamine our values and way of life.

Jesus is looking for peacemakers, good Samaritans, people who are willing to love God and people the way God loves us, and etc., and by that standard, we are falling way too short, and I hope that God’s light will shed into more people’s hearts so that they will feel convicted so that our lives may shine forth his glory, rather than falling short of it.

And the third thing I do is auditing, using secular ways of measurement on ministries and their leaders. Because, people will be people. Pastors and “holy” Christians love to put up a beautiful exterior to impress people, but, any one with a moderate amount of real life experiences can tell, that the very same bullshit and tactics employed by secular people to get ahead is being used by these religious hypocrites. I have a lot of real life experience because I got my butt kicked a lot my whole life. Just walking down the street today I thought that, “The best way to gain experience and insight is to have reasons why the right kind of people want to kick your ass and be in a situation that they would want to remove their masks and do it, then you’ll learn about life real quick.” My brother had reasons to want to kick my ass because he’s insecure, and he has read The Three Kingdoms many times, not good enough to use in real life situations, but enough to practice on a benevolent dummy. My dad had reasons to want to kick my ass because he needed to brainwash someone who can give him a legacy, and I was his last hope. My mom had reasons to kick my ass because she needs her son to be close to her (though she has repented, praise the Lord). My church had a reason to kick my ass because certain people want to propagate certain unrighteous agendas, and I happened to be in the way because I was honest, blunt, and willing to take a stand while being so obvious to politics to even remotely discuss under the table dealings and mutual back scratching. At various jobs there were people who had incentives and stakes to want to kick my ass, too. So time and time again I saw not just gloves coming off, which wouldn’t have been unexpecting, but masks coming off, too, which was extremely scary, how so many seemingly decent or even good human beings, when there are things at stake and they showed their true selves, they are monsters and animals on the inside, or at least have something like that inside them. So I have a lot of experience. Plus, over the years I’ve reverse engineered Bill Gothard’s teachings and have a pretty deep understanding of how the Christianity religion fools people. It’s like, when I notice these things, I’d pretty much get an allergic reaction, I don’t even need to think anymore, it’s like a trip wire would just go off and makes me go “Hmmmm…”. But that is not to say that I know everything or I won’t get things wrong, it just says what it is, that I have a lot of experience because I got my ass kicked so much by so many people over the course of so many years and I didn’t let those ass kickings go to waste but analyzed and scrutinized every detail the best I could. Nevertheless, with that being said, I still make the mistake a lot of leaning too far over to the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt, but that is only concerning my own life, though. When it comes to protecting others, I am rather verbose and vigilante, that I’d rather play it safe and call things out early before things get so bad that people fell under evil spells so deeply that they are not capable of listening anymore and then bad things would happen.

And I think that, the church is overall filthy, just like how the world is filthy. We cannot be salt and light and change the world when we are just as guilty as they are in our own ways and operations and fundamental approaches behind the scenes. And then, a lot of people with enough real life experiences, they look at the church and its people and smell the vibes, and feel the same way, or at least not feeling inspired, not seeing anything real, because our own corruptions has reduced our teachings and messages down to mere empty shells, a house of cards. In order to fix the world we must first fix ourselves.

And, coming full circle, I believe meekness is key.

I heard a very wonderful teaching on meekness last Sunday night by Nathanial Wood. I think overall, what he is trying to say is, that meekness is a two part process: 1) Becoming as strong as you can by the grace of God. 2) Having perfect self control over yourself, also by the grace of God, doing only his will and never our own, even when tempted to the point of death.

Because, looking back at everything I just wrote, the culprit is lack of meekness. We let our own desires get ahead of ourselves, going out of control, doing what we ourselves think is right, and thus resulting in the present situation, like what the Bible says “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.” (Isaiah 53:6).

I think a good example is Moses. In his first forty years of life he learned all the knowledge of Egypt, which is a great feat. But because his strength was unbridled, he only ended up killing someone, and he was ineffective in rallying the Hebrews around him anyway. But in the second forty years of his life, that’s when he really learned meekness, laying down himself to become a clean vessel fit for the master’s use (2 Timothy 2:21). And by thee end of the second forty years, there’s something new about him, that he no longer believe that he has what it takes to do God’s will concerning his people, while during the first forty years, he seems to be just like an overly excited dog that just can’t calm down, constantly jumping around, barking “Me me me, pick me, pick me!”

Now, as a side note, we really got to take a hard look at ourselves, as well as ask the Lord fervently, which stage are we on, the first forty years or the second or the third. Sometimes I see some Christians or pastors or even major ministry leaders who are still stuck on stage one, still jumping around restlessly, screaming “Me me me, bigger ministry, bigger this, more that, greatness, great is my reward in heaven!” I think this is another important thing to look at, when choosing which ministry, teaching, and pastor to follow and learn from.

Another big distinction between the first and second forty years is that, the first stage, it’s more about Moses than about God and the suffering of the people. It was about him wanting self realization, wanting to do something great and feel excited about the fact, wanting a fulfilling life, wanting greatness for himself. He was willing to pay the price and choose to identify with his people rather than ignoring them and just enjoying himself as the prince of Egypt, which was something that Esther was tempted to do, but at the same time, he lacked meekness, that sense of total surrender and letting go of himself, which is really the key in all walks of life, actually, and not just being a Christian.

For example, yesterday I was listening to a young woman playing piano, very good, pretty accomplished pianist, but when she plays, I feel like she was competing against the music. There is that sense of duality of playing and expressing the music and indulging herself while she plays. The thing is, to be the very best you can be at what you do, you have to surrender yourself to it. The indulging part comes only after you’ve fully surrendered and then the music becomes so beautiful that it gives back what you sowed into it. This is really one of the most important principle of life that most people miss out on, the principle of sowing and reaping, letting the reward come in the form of a harvest, while sowing sacrificially in tears. So basically, Moses was chosen, but wasn’t ready.

So the question is, having you ever undergone this training of meekness, to completely surrender yourself to God, or to your life’s calling, so that it is no longer you that live, but Christ that lives in you, so that you have become a living sacrifice before God that is content with whatever, whether as a prince of Egypt, a mere shepherd, or as the chosen one that delivered the Hebrews out of the bondage of slavery. Does it matter still and how much? It’s a good question to ask yourself often.

I remember this pastor, Jeremiah Kua, preached about this when I was a kid. He was pretty lighthearted about it, saying something like, “So, what would have happened had Moses not undergone the second forty years? Well, look at all the plans and projects that God assigned Moses later on. Without the second forty years, Moses would have said to God ‘God, I have learned all knowledge of Egypt, and let me tell you, the design for the tabernacle can be much improved, let me show you what I mean…’”. Just imagine all of the wrestling that would have taken place between the two, while the imminent needs of leading the 400,000 people are urgent, pressing, and paramount every single day! How horrible would things have worked out, if that had been the case!?

I was just a kid and thought that’s a very interesting perspective, not knowing what the real world and the message’s implication is like. But the thing is, though, even though I was just a kid, like not even in high school, I took that message to heart, but the other mature spiritually advanced grown ups, they did not, and look at what kind of people they have become and how they run the church now! It’s like the parable of the sower, they were definitely not good soils… :(.

Decades later, Pastor Kua started writing books, which is basically a compilation of his life’s work, in the form of Biblical character studies. It has like over ten volumes, and the volume he choose to give away to people for free is the one titled “Serving God by Gifting vs Serving God by Grace”, and pretty much all those church people received a free copy, as I did, more seed sown, but no fruit still… In the book he wrote about people like Samuel vs Sampson, King Saul vs David, and etc., emphasizing the utter importance of serving God by grace, which will lead to beautiful results, vs serving God by gifting, which could lead to many problems. I think that in general, people have mix responses, because, perhaps some peopel do not like the restrictiveness of this view, that by inhibiting yourself this way, a lot of natural gifting would get hold back, inhibited, and restricted, which could be used towards productivity and getting results. But for me, I agree with the teaching, because, for one, it is Biblical, and in addition, I believe that God is a God that prefer to manifest his glory through the chosen few who are well prepped and ready, than utilizing the masses that would mask his glory and most likely make a big mess of things.

So this whole piece of my background just suddenly tied into this recent teaching of meekness. It’s interesting how Pastor Kua did not make that correlation, but it makes perfect sense. Because he said “What is a spiritual giant? Basically, great in natural gifting coupled with great in spirituality.” So to be “great”, for real, natural gifting isn’t enough, it must become trained into actual abilities rather than just raw talent and strength, which takes discipline. And then, all of that must become subjected under the control of self and God through the process of establishing meekness.

Psalm 86:11 states “Unite my heart to fear thy name.” This is meekness again, in a nutshell. Now how much work and time does it required to unite a person’s heart so that it is entirely focused and disciplined? And then, to have that united heart to come under God in fear and obedience, a very daunting task that the Holy Spirit is so willing to invest himself in with every single one of us, but we ourselves do not see the value it doing that. We may ignore it, partially ignore it, being half-ass about it, while coveting short term growth and productivity above it, so that, you may see ministries that don’t deal with the heart at all, but just impress them with rules and regulations, to keep the naturally waywardness of the heart suppressed and out of the way, so that the effort, time and energy can be invested towards practical productivity in growing the ministry. This is cheating, taking shortcut, exploiting the believers, even, as the individuals themselves may prefer to grow as a person through the taming, consolidating, and disciplining of their hearts, but since that aspect of personal growth appears to be irrelevant to the goals of the ministry, it is deemed irrelevant. How irresponsible is that? Pastors are first and foremost, the shepherd of the sheep that God entrusts them, so how dare they, and who do they think they are to play God, to ignore Biblical instructions and become workers of iniquities that rob God the pleasure of seeing his flocks grow and experiencing more of his love and grace, as well as robbing the individual believers of the same, just so that the leaders’ insatiable selfish ambitions may take another bite?! Where is the meekness in that? Is this the kind of leader that God wants to inherit the earth with, in this life or the next?!

I’m reading the Book of Genesis now, and I also seek a lot of meekness in Abraham. One thing that really stood out to me this time is that, even though God blessed Abraham with prosperity, the only piece of land that he ever bought in his life is a small land for burying his wife and himself, after he died. His whole life he lived as a nomad, living in other people’s land or in the wilderness or something, never gets to settle down and be established. And when you are not settled down, it just doesn’t feel right, I think, and when you are living in someone else’s land, it just doesn’t feel right, too, having to negotiating with the one who owns it and never be able to get really comfortable and rest, dwelling on the thought that “This is my land, this is where I take root, I can do what I want here, I can be comfortable and settled here.” It must have been hard to do, especially when he was financially capable of just buy a nice piece of land and call it. But he was meek, being a good steward of what the Lord gave him, and would not make decisions like this without God’s leading. Now that’s meekness.

Isaac many have lived a rather uneventful life, but he was really true to whatever teachings he received from Abraham, so he did great, too, I think, didn’t mess it all up. That’s meekness, too.

Jacob’s situation was peculiarly interesting. He’s so smart, strong, and capable, and he’s blessed by the Lord, yet he was made subjected to Laban. It’s a really bad situation to be in, having all this talent and favor, yet could not really establish himself and be his own man. He became a blessing to Laban, and Laban held on to him like a magic genie or something, probably planning to owning him for life. It’s just really hard, I think, to know that you are capable of doing so much better, yet circumstances press you down, making it hard to breathe, driving you crazy, yet there’s little you can do about it. Even later on when he became better off through his wit, he still has no power, not the military kind, so that, Laban can kick his ass any time he wants, and when he got back to his homeland, Esau can kick his ass any time he wants, too. It’s like, even though he’s so capable, it’s like his whole life there’s always something that kept him in line, in check, there’s always something that made his life hard. It’s like, even with his marriage with Rachel, which was proven true love for seven years, yet no one is perfect, and God hit Rachel where she’s weak at and she became contentious with her sister, Leah, and the marriage becomes love and headache at the same time.

I am not capable like Jacob, but I certainly feel his pain. All these years I just so long to be established, rooted, settled, making life more comfortable and having that feeling that things are working like they should, the way that most human beings innately longed for, but after all these years that day never came. And right now, whether it’s with women or work, it seems like my ability is higher than my stature, making it really hard. Middle management probably don’t want me because I’m too capable. Girls are afraid of me because I understand relationships way too well. It just feels like an impossible situation right now and I don’t know what to do. All I ever did was trying my best to overcome the various peculiar situations that God threw me into, and all I did was just trying to trust God and do my best for him everyday, and I ended up in this very peculiar place. It’s surreal and bizarre and kind of scary.

But I believe that God can do the impossible, that the whole reason why I’m in this situation right now is so that he can do the impossible and receive all the glory. I still believe that the best is yet to come. I have learned meekness. I will trust in the Lord and just have faith, hope in his mercy, and abide in his love. Amen.

[will-you-are-not]

Years

So the last couple years have knocked me down. Very hard. ROOMMATES To summarize the apartment living scenario: I was hurt, badly, by both people I lived with at separate times. First was like getting a divorce, second a possible brotherly betrayal. No need to go on, it would just be more whining than this is already. I may have deserved it...karma is quiiiite the bitch. ROBBERY Coming up on three years ago I was robbed midday in my apartment of nearly three years, dumb enough to chase them downstairs to where their vehicle was apparently waiting...I couldn't walk for about 5 months without some kind of crutch or brace. For the first two I didn't walk at all. HOSPITALIZATION The hospital? Meh. Had to have the first ER doctor dismissed. He said I was fine and should leave by days' end. Got angry and very physical with my crippled ass to the point that I (with parts of my feet dangling and skin just gone) got calm. I don't remember what I said, but it terrified the man and he left. Nurses? ASTOUNDING. Administration? Eh, the next guy I'm about to talk about was really nice after I made clear to them his actions. Though, they still kept me much longer than necessary. Pain doctor? Wouldn't prescribe me pain meds out of the hospital because I tested positive for Marijuana. Right wing religious type. I came to know this by two nurses whom were actively trying to get me better care. He yelled at me that he wouldn't give me anything unless I took some other pill he prescribed along with whatever. Legitimately, called me an addict, threw a fit, bursting into the room. To which I responded along the lines of: "Doctor, do I distribute the medication? Do I even know how to properly read that board? Tell the nurses or pharmaceutical staff. Not me." I do remember vividly saying for him to do his job and listen or fuck off. Now this...this changed me a bit as a human. He even refused medication after my back hadn't been treated in 5 days. It was just left, forgotten, until the smell was overbearing. Thought the picture they took would be a reminder...somehow that was left out of the file. I had to be skinned to prevent infection. Dad crying, nurses crying, blood everywhere. No shit y'all, no meds. From my shoulder blade to half my ass in a thick strip. Then I was questioned by detectives. ...it was a Thursday... TAKING IT FOR GRANTED Then I heal, enjoy life, get back in my swing. A year of fuck-all after those 6 months of pills, pain, confusion, and anger. I get lazy and desperate, honestly. Desperate for the freedom of living away from home, but too lazy to work hard enough to go at it alone. Looking to work at a distance to eventually move near wherever due to love interests...duumb. Never thought of the fact that there was no way I could break even with such a drive, tore my reliability apart for future jobs, lost my motivation, blah blah. Skipskipskip Then I finally get focused, even through a rough period for me emotionally. I see the goals, can taste it, after so long, I fuckin got this! HARVEY I told everyone it was gonna be terrible. Seriously. I had an emergency plan for us to go under completely. That's why I'm sitting on this mattress that I was asleep on when the water rushed in. Car? Insurance. House and things? Well... We were woken by the rabbit, well, I, by my father; rabbit by proxy. Desperately thumping the ground in hopes that someone would do something about the water lightly lapping over the lip of our front door. I moved everything onto a table I had ready. Bed boosted onto chairs. The water kept rising. I demanded my parents get a bag and pack 3 days worth of clothing. I had already packed the medical supplies. My mother refused, my father was stunned. I yelled, cursed, demanded reason. The water kept rising. Lightning strikes and the rain gets heavier. We don't know the status of the surrounding area but I try to make crystal that it doesn't matter. High ground. Now. Arguments ensue. The water kept rising. Daybreak. Organization. Elderly and children first. Screams. Electrified water. Fires. Floating colonies. Sudden militia. The water stops. The rain pauses. Everyone moves fast to the highway to family and friends able to assist. My uncle had a clear route and decided to brave the uncertainty to rescue us. I rounded my parents together, though reluctant, and tried to drive home the fact that this was our one chance. We used the sanctioned canoe for the center of Marlin; my father had just used it to save our neighbor from eventually burning to death in the attic... Rain falls again. We pack up, cover electronics, stop the dog's panic seizure, and I race. I pull the canoe far ahead, leaving my mother, then father behind. My uncle had been texting us impatiently before we had to go dark to tread. I knew there wasn't much time, though I didn't want to even pass the thought he'd leave us... The water is rising. I get to the front. No familiar car. My father runs from our civilian staging ground to the now empty military one on the other side of our sinking ship of a neighborhood. Only a few first responders remain to help in case of immediate emergency. No family. No national guard. Just us: Citizens, trying to save each other. It begins to pour. My mother cries. The dog whimpers. The eyes of the rabbit dilate. My father attempts to console... I. I am livid. I left my parents behind to stop an invisible train! I yelled at them! Me! Their son! They trusted me directing them, but I put my trust in a mirage. It never existed. I found, after digging for my phone, that the coward had left 30 minutes prior. Sent, "look for the national guard." that's it. Left us in rising waters, devastated neighborhood, roads disappearing, because he was afraid to get stuck...for even a moment. The water kept rising Complete strangers offer to take us down the highway to where we were headed in the first place. My father stays behind. He has to return the canoe and make sure no one else is trapped. I go with my mother and what remains of our possessions. I make sure no one sees it, but as I'm holding my large German shepherd/lab mix and shielding the rabbit from the torrent, I cry. I sob from my soul. It hurts. Gone. So much. So many. We were left behind. I had looked up to him for so long... then realized at that moment, thinking of the bigger picture... It was never action. All talk. Even helping me through my issues, he'd pass it off "above my pay grade" "I'll see what I can do" he'd say. I told him my darkest secrets, confided in him over my father. I was truly appalled. Crossing the bell tower, a coast guard chopper blazes by us. Low, toward the Bayridge that was. The water kept rising ... BUT NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. The route my uncle took to us, then ran from us by, was still completely passable. We get to the compound safe...but my father... Lightning causes the sky to rumble with anger. We wait. I download walkies that newly formed militias are coordinating with. There's no clear paths. I sit, frozen, as the scale of the situation finally settles in. My uncle, father's brother this time, braves currents, weather, and all odds to retrieve my father from the disaster zone. I can't stand idly. My friends, whom were deeper in the waterlogged zones and in a sedan, came to get me. We went through all of southeast Houston, and I broadcasted through public social media posts the roads passable. I cried once more, but not after, when I saw the Central Business District (one of 5 downtown districts of Houston proper) of my city DARK while radio chatter pleaded in the background... The sky began to darken Both of my friends risking their lives and possessions, I, simply navigating; it seemed so miniscule...but only after did I hear how much we helped. Curfew initiated Martial law in effect... Though... We took care of ourselves down here. It rained for three more days. AFTERMATH Bish, it's Houston, we good. BUT Personally, I just want to give up. Every time I get motivated, something literally cataclysmic happens on a personal level or otherwise. Now I've been caught in limbo, reconnecting with the other side of the family I distanced myself from due to religious and, in my view, character complications. But they took me in. No question, just love. Now we help each other in so many ways and speak philosophy and art. The side of the family I was always close to now pushes me away simply because I'm not letting it go. The man hasn't even apologized yet. Hell no. Y'all gonna cut me off, someone who's been through it, started walkin the walk, just cuz you think my current dreams make me a deadbeat? You know that man lives off ya daughter's paycheck and has for decades, right? Like fuck. Wanna utilize those certificates your wife got ya, pal? I see that car, that jewelry, cigars, his whole fucking lifestyle is a sham. Maybe if he actually closed on sales instead of bitching about them...UGH like...and politics. You know nothing. His politik is all politik. RAWR!!! Sorry y'all. Heated still. I JUST WANT "I'M SORRY". NO REASONS, NOTHIN. Then I'll legit be fine. ANYWAY I'm catching this semester at school, but after nearly having it down before and failing to launch over and over... It all seems so far away. Now, once again, it storms as I reminisce. Scarred and damp

[sherylbajao]

I’d Rather Not Know

Hi there. It’s been a while.

I’ve been hiding in my cave — distracting myself with busyness and indulging in the business of wanting to know what will happen next. All the while I thought I was living in faith, until the anxiety of not knowing what’s next started to eat me up.

Anxiety, you say? Uh.. yeah. I have been in the lowest tide of my faith (yet again) just recently, thinking everything is hopeless and there’s nothing else to look forward to. Taking fear with me in every turn I take in this journey called life. I thought to myself, “Why is God testing me?” Apparently, He was just revealing what’s in my heart. And I am utterly rebuked. He showed me how I wanted to take control of everything, (I want my own version of my life, Lord! Can’t we just revise the things I don’t like?! #graphicdesignerprobs) when in fact He is the one who’s in control and Sovereign.

So yeah, that’s why I’ve been hiding, and It’s been a long while, and now I’m coming out of this prison I made myself. You might wonder, why did I even do this or from what am I hiding from. I believe one reason is that I get to control what’s happening in my tiny niche: I’m busy with the “work” I’m doing, I know the outcome, I can make contingency plans ahead of time just in case things wont turn out fine. I try so hard to focus on it that I neglect to continue on the other things I’ve started before e.g. this blog. To be honest, I was about to take this down, I thought it’s pointless to post here. “Who reads this anyway?!” Earlier this year, I promised myself I’d post an entry here, but then procrastination and doubts came in that I ended up sharing nothing. (I have tons of drafts saved in my laptop huhu). Months have passed and I didn’t even bother checking this page, until my domain automatically renewed. Thanks, GoDaddy. Hahaha. Now I’m forced to make use of this haha! Perhaps the stories I have should be shared, not for all to read, but maybe one or two, and the rest is up to God. And that’s where faith comes in.

Still, I am thankful for this season that I am learning to stretch my faith muscle. I think every season should be exercise season for our faith, ang tagal ko lang talagang tumambay, ang sakit tuloy ng muscles ko. But no pain, no gain. :)

I know He is calling me to live for Him, like a child, with childlike faith. Sometimes I hate growing up and the fact that knowledge is so easily accessible these days because it desensitized me from God’s Sovereign hand upon my life.

And so I’ll take it from here, and I’ll trust Him as He unfolds the succeeding chapters..

I think that’s good enough for my comeback message haha, thank you for reading! :p But if you’d like to stay a bit longer. I’m inviting you to read further as I share my praise report and reflections from the past year (from the date of my previous post) to present. Like I said in my previous post, there were so many movements — from traveling, to transitioning, and to entering a new season. God is moving me indeed, and He has been reaaaaally faithful to me in every step, even at the times I’m not.

This is not to brag about the blessings I received, like I previously said, maybe my stories should be shared. So now I’m jumping out of the boat and walk in water. These things shouldn’t just pass without being shared because God is worthy to be praised and He is always teaching us something, even in the littlest of things. I pray this will encourage you to always be in the attitude of thanksgiving (that is directing toward the one responsible for our blessing), and to never lose sight of God’s goodness upon your life and what He is teaching you along the way.

Most of these were from the draft that was made early this year. It wasn’t entirely eventful, but I believe these were defining moments where God met me and taught something to me.

Around the World (char haha)

Hong Kong was my first travel abroad. I always thought it’d be far-fetched to go back, because let’s face it, we’ve got bills to pay haha! But days before my birthday this year, I got the chance to explore Hong Kong again, with all expenses paid. Just wow. (And I still have a pending post for my 2016 HK Trip lol) It’s a great reminder for me that God can + will provide, and He hears even my silent prayers.

Weeks before the trip, I was in a shuttle en route to Makati. As we drove along Skyway, a plane that’s about to land fled above us. I asked God, “When will I be able to travel again? ...Only You know.” It was a short and random thought, and pinalipas ko lang. Then came the day that I found out we’ll be flying to Hong Kong for our team’s anniversary outing. They were joking me that we’re just going to McDonald’s... Nathan Road. Knowing the slowpoke that I am, it took around 5 seconds to finally sink in that we’re really going to Hong Kong!! I asked myself, “Sa Hong Kong yung Nathan Road... diba?” And my eyes went big! “Shaks, sa Hong Kong nga kami pupunta!” O_O

And so I budgeted for the trip, I allotted 4000 PHP (~600 HKD) for my pocket money. Pero di ko siya napapalitan, ‘di ko alam kahit anong attempt magpapalit walaws talaga. It’s either the bank didn’t have any HKD or the money changer doesn’t sell any HKD. Tapos nalaman na lang namin pagdating ng Hong Kong, bibigyan nila kami ng 1500 HKD as pocket money for the entire stay. (Tinagalog ko na kasi tinamad nako mag-English hahahahaha) I’m like, whaaaat?! Legit all expenses paid?!?! Thank you, Lord. Sobra sobra pa.

Here are a few photos from the trip (and some from last year for reference sa mga kwento ko kasi di ko nakuhaan yung iba this year haha):

I’ve always loved Hong Kong’s architecture. This was taken while were on the Airport bus to Kowloon. I learned that day that Hong Kong airport lies on artificial land. Wow lang!

This was in Causeway Bay. On our last day in Hong Kong this year, there was a typhoon so malls and stores were mostly closed. We wanted to visit IKEA but to no avail. We ended up walking around the vicinity and took photos instead.

I love their city lights at night! This was in Mong Kok. I had a similar shot taken on my 2016 HK trip, pero sa kabilang side naman. Haha! See below.

We stayed in Tsim Sha Tsui throughout the trip. The hotel was a few kilometers away from the train station so we always walk. 

This is one of the alleys we usually pass by.

And mannn, our hotel room was very nice! Super hi-tech! It made me think what made us deserve this kind of generosity. Look at the remote control! We could’ve stayed in an Airbnb but we didn’t. Wooow.

Di ko talaga kinaya yung generosity nila. Even our Disneyland trip was paid for as well. It was my first time (we went to Ocean Park last year kasi).

Dito muntik maubos pera ko. Hahaha! The stuff they’re selling there were so nice and enticing, it makes you want to get it all, even if you don’t really need it. It made me realize that if you get easily swayed by the things you wanted for yourself, you’ll end up wasting the gift that was given to you. I believe it was a gentle reminder for me to not take the gift God freely and abundantly gave me for granted. :)

I loved the Lion King musical! It made me feel like a kid again. 

Spoiler alert: The plot of the musical was that they are to retell the story of how Simba became king. The songs were uplifting and the production was great! THE CIRCLE OF LYYYYYFFFF~~

My realization: if we are to share the greatest story ever told (i.e. John 3:16), we should be all out. Even if it takes you to share it a million times over and over again, never grow tired of sharing it. Just as how the cast in this musical give their best in every show, everyday.

I think the highlight of my Disneyland trip was the fireworks show. It was so beautiful and magical. I am in awe, and got semi-tearyeyed hehe. If it’s already a wonderful sight here, I wonder what beauty and glory awaits for us in Heaven, where all things are perfected?

A few things I noticed throughout our stay in Hong Kong:

1. People are too fast-paced, busy, and focused on too many things. It’s either they’re looking at their mobile phones or they’re rushing out of the train, walking fast to cross the street. It’s like they are always on to the next thing, which is binding and paralyzing. And that compelled me to pray for their nation. “This nation is Yours. May they see the beauty and freedom of having and knowing You.”

2. Ang ganda ng way finding sa kanila! Clean and minimal.

3. Their train systems are well-maintained and organized. And people know where to fall in line — they follow the signages! I believe our nation is capable of doing that as well, it just really needs to start with ourselves. Hehe.

(These were taken from my trip last year)

Thoughts on Flying

My reflection on flying has always been the same: Trust the Captain, because He knows where He’s taking you. It was a turbulent ride en route to Hong Kong, we entered the sea of clouds yet again, and everything we can see was just cottony clouds. It doesn’t make any sense. Why put a window yet enter the sea of clouds?! You could’ve just taken a different path. Now we can barely see anything and it’s turbulent! R u ok, captain?! My palms are sweaty and I’m nervous, but after a few minutes, we’re back to normal flying mode. Haha. Panic agad eh! And that experience revealed my heart. I don’t trust God entirely. Huhu.

That’s our usual response to God. We easily fall to stress, anxiety, worry, pain, etc. that we lose sight of where God is trying to lead us, and we end up sinning. We end up resisting God, leaning on our own understanding, and doing things our own way, because we believe it’s what best for us and we want to resolve tensions as fast as we can. Newsflash: we’re wrong.

It’s human tendency to always want certainty and what lies ahead in the unknown. We want to know the why in everything. We want to know, “Why this path?” “What awaits at the end of this?” “When is this going to be over?” That we neglect to notice we’re losing faith already.

“The problem is we’re always trying to live by sight and call it faith.” Ouch. That was from Ken Wytsma’s book, “The Grand Paradox”. He said in another chapter, “The secret to understanding where to go in life is found not in navigating our way to safety, but rather simply trusting in God’s leading. Trusting that He is good. Trusting that even if we don’t like where He takes us, He’s taking us there for a reason.”

Without trust, there is no faith. Without obedience, there is not faith as well. To trust is to obey God’s Word. To obey is to jump into the unknown move based on trust in a dependable God. I pray we all choose faith than looking around in fear.

Around the Philippines (char ulit haha)

Here in the Philippines, I was blessed with the chance to visit Batangas, Nagsasa, Bacolod, and Baguio, with my family and friends.

September last year, my good friends and I had an overnight trip to Batangas. And I made new animal friends.

Other people might classify me either a dog or a cat person, I don’t think I can ever be on one side. Let’s get things straight, I’m an animal person. I like talking to animals, I feel like we have this ~connection~, there’s just something about their innocent eyes that makes you want to love them dearly. I believe God has given us dominion over these creatures to properly take care of them.

Come November, we went to Nagsasa Cove in Zambales. 

There was no signal reception in the island pero keri lang! A great 2D1N trip away from the busy and noisy that is Metro Manila. I’m not a water person, in fact I’m totally scared of the water, but heeeeeyy I managed the 2hr boat ride + intense swimming against the current (THANK GOD FOR LIFE VESTS AND PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO SWIM HAHA). Also, the view was spectacular! I am stunned and amazed by just how wonderful God’s works are.

higher than the heavens

stronger than the sea

mightier than mountains

Your love amazes me

My last out of town trip for the year 2016 was in Bacolod. Good food, bro, plus it’s very affordable! Thank God for sumptuous meals. We had a day trip to Lakawon Island too!

Dinuguan with puto. But I ate it with rice hehehe.

La Paz Batchoy. Yummers.

Would you believe that this costs less than 200 PHP? Delicous ribs, yo!

We also met our church family and I was immensely blessed by their hospitality and generosity! (They paid for our food most of the time, and they fetch us at our condo everyday and they toured us around Bacolod!)

I guess how grateful you are for what God has done in your life will truly manifest in your life. I’ve never seen a person who is so thankful yet so timid and silent about it. As the song says, “So blessed, I can’t contain it. So much you’ve got to give it away.”

Indeed, if you know in your heart that God is more than enough for you, you won’t think twice about giving to others—you will truly be a cheerful giver, because you know He’s a God who provides for whatever you will need and He’s a God who will never leave you alone.

We were invited to join their event, Jesus Reigns. Thousands of youth were there, praising and proclaiming the name of Jesus. The next generation is on fire, indeed.

Baguio will always have a special place in my heart, and I will always go back! Thankful for the opportunity to be in the city with the people close to me.

This is Winter, my niece. She’s so bubbly.

Bilanggoals. October 2016.

Tomodachis. November 2016.

Fam. July 2017. Insert kuya Erick, ate Mags, and Winter.

And that’s about it for now.

I actually can’t remember how I came up with the budget to travel, but one thing is for sure, God has provided. And He has blessed me with wonderful people as I explored these places. Thank God for family and friends! Thank God for we are relational beings, that we are not meant to be alone but to be surrounded with people who will encourage and build us up.

Adjustments

People never liked the idea of change, despite it being the constant thing in this world.

Earlier this year, our church transferred to a new place. Tons of adjustments were made, we used to be in a mall in CBD Makati, and now despite being inside a mall, we’re placed in the middle of a residential area. Different barangays! It’s very exciting to see lives of people in the area transformed by Christ, but it’s not a walk in the park of course.

I am thankful that our pastor has been very open about the struggle of transitioning into a new home and for continually reminding us to be strong as we move forward to where God has called us. Indeed, our present adversities shouldn’t hinder us on the ministry He has blessed us with because He is with us and He didn’t bring us this far just to leave us.

What a wonderful opportunity to grow in faith, in ministry, and in my personal walk. There are discouraging times because there seem to be no fruit for what we’ve been doing, I must admit I’m in the brink of recoiling and giving up in serving Him, because I didn’t know what’s next. It seemed redundant! But God revealed my heart again, and I am rebuked. He reminded me that it’s not about what I see or what I feel, all of what we’re doing is for Him. And if it’s for Him, it will never be in vain. It’s also a season where God is teaching us to persevere and pray harder. The enemy is indeed at work, he wants people to give up, so God’s work will be delayed. But we should not give him a foothold of what he wants. Kaya push lang. Laban lang.

A New Season

I thought this would be the easiest part to write, but now I’m lost for words. Actually, words aren’t enough to show my gratefulness to God for blessing me with a great partner, Steven. :) Yieeeeee haha! Indeed, there is a season for everything. And this season comes with lessons and discipline, it’s continually teaching me to be selfless, loving, understanding, to be more focused on giving rather than receiving, and to be more obedient.

To me he’s the greatest musician. He’s my listening ear, my shoulder to cry on (literally), and my comedian. He likes to make puns out of the store names whenever we’re in a mall, and I can’t help but laugh. He knows how to make me burst in laughter! He always tells me how he loves seeing me smile. And I love seeing him smile too, most especially when he’s about to order that slice of cake/blizzard/glass of coke. HAHAHAHA.

I praise God for your life and I thank Him for showing love through you. You always make me happy. You remind me to be grounded on Him when I start to falter. And you hold my hand and hug me when the anxious kid in me starts to kick in. Hehe. Thank you for always encouraging me to push through with the things I thought I couldn’t do, like this blog.

You are a great blessing to me. I will always support you and your leadership, and I’ll continue to grow on being a suitable helper for you. We’ve got a looong looooooong way to go and I’m happy to be in this journey with ya. Apir!!! ;)

I don’t know how to end this post again, hahaha. So here goes:

I wonder what’s the next move? Sovereign Lord, only You know. I always ask You, what’s Your plan for me? And I am reminded that I’d rather not know the entire plan, because trusting in Your goodness is much much better and rewarding.

#faith #personal