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lost-onpurpose · 2 months

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The last month has felt like a badly scripted soap opera.

1/22: Sister passed out at the store. ER found no cause.

1/23: Sister called from school bathroom floor because too dizzy to stand. She went to different ER and they determined migraine/dehydration. IV fluids helped.

1/24-1/26: Residual migraine. Missed school.

2/4: Mom got diagnosed with pneumonia. Started meds.

2/7: J called and said Mammaw's oxygen had dropped into the 70s/80s and they were starting her on supplemental oxygen. She wasn't very coherent but she was alert. The only coherent thing she said was making me and sister promise to take care of Mom. My Aunt S came down to sit with her that night. Alerted her son and the close relatives who live out of state.

2/8: Mammaw fell asleep. Could not wake up. Still breathing. Still had pulse and blood pressure. Called local family and updated our of state family. Stayed with her until 6 pm. Aunt S called at 6:30 pm and told us that Mammaw's breathing had gotten raspy. We went back. She had the death rattle. Called family again. Held Mammaw's hands and talked to her. Told her we'd be okay and it was okay.

2/9: 12:22 am. Hospice nurse called time of death. Called Mammaw's son Uncle J, cousin J, brother, dad, and other Uncle J (didn't realize we had so many J names in the family). 4:00 pm met with the funeral director to start planning. Called Y at the florist and got the casket spray and standing sprays ordered.

2/10-2/13: Helped family find hotels and plane tickets to attend funeral on 2/16.

2/14: Sister did Mammaw's makeup for the services.

2/15: We had private family viewing before services on 2/16. Had dinner with family that we hadn't seen in a while.

2/16: Visitation. Funeral (I spoke some). Graveside service. After service meal.

2/17: Had therapy at 9 am. Cried on my therapist's couch. Went to Barnes and Noble, Five Below, Bath & Body Works, and the mall as an attempt at distraction. Didn't help. Saw family before they left.

2/18: Last of family left to go home. Cried again.

2/20: Mom goes to ER with chest pain (started during funeral planning week but thought it was anxiety). Admitted to hospital with fluid on right lung (lower lobe collapsed, middle lobe collapsing).

2/22: Going to drain lung but she had too much eliquis in her system

2/23: Drained lung. Lidocaine didn't help. She felt it all. 1.4 liters of fluid pulled off. Chest X-ray showed it was almost all of the fluid and lung was reinflating.

2/24: Mom discharged from hospital.

#lost onpurpose #medical stuff #death #family death #funeral planning #hospital #hospice

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smokingoutthewindow · 1 year

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Midwinter Blues

The winter months are the hardest to live through

Every night I dream of freedom and wake up encaged

Slumbers spent in childhood summers, at Mammaw's, in the back of a car, on the back porch, at the park

I wake with longing

The winter months are harsh

The lack of sunlight weighs on my soul, the distance from love burdens my bones

I am gentle with myself

I do what makes me comfortable, makes me happy

I don't let myself become complacent

I do things that hurt, things that are hard

I give myself headaches

I force myself to write

I cherish the softness of my bed and my sister's head on my shoulder

The dog's fur on my sleeve, the cracks in my friends' voices

The random messages that always convey "I was thinking of you"

I miss me and I hate her

But I'm trying so hard to love her

To re-become her

I'm close, I feel

I savor the smoke and the cold, the purple lights and the dizzyness and this time.

I know, i know I won't get it back.

I'm trying to love me

I think I can fall in love with me

#poetry #spilled ink #belfryprepz

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jase-in-oh · 6 years

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I miss me

I miss the happy guy that I used to be. I know that I have never been perfect, I have struggled with depression and my weight since school, but I used to be a fun guy. Laughing and smiling all the time. Now it just feels like work to put on that front.

I don’t feel it. Why should I wear a mask for others? Why should I continue to live a life not feeling joy?

What carries more importance: my happiness or others comfort? Is it acceptable to cause another pain when pursuing happiness?

Tell me what you think

#me #i was a cute chubby kid #i miss me #i miss my mammaw #personal #depression #should have been posted to the other blog #@diaryofadad

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euphoric-melancholyy · 6 years

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So umm grief fucking sucks and today has been difficult for some stupid unknown reason. (Christmas, the reason is definitely Christmas.) And eventually, I got to a place where I was able to write my way out of that sadness a little bit. I tend to share all my writing on here, so I thought why not share this too? I don’t know what it is. But I feel better now and that’s all that matters.

She carries the sadness with her, so far seeped into the mundane and the large that no one notices anymore. It’s like a thorn that stings at her side and doesn’t let her forget for too long. All that was. All that could have been. All that’s lost. At times it lodges itself deeper, creating a tsunami of emotions that leaves her a bedridden mess as she tries, just tries to reconcile with the permanence of death.

Visceral agony, violent in it’s attack, re-emerges at the unrequested beckon of a random song, text, or picture. At the unconscious knowledge of holidays approaching. It’s those same songs, putting grief into words far better than her own, that come to mind.

Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved

It’s a dance of sadness, hope, guilt, excitement, anger, disconnection, excitement and loneliness, mingling until all she knows is the heaviness in her eyes and the weight pressing too tightly on her heart.

In the brokenness, she lies and waits for growth.

And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah You're home

It’s a selfish longing, to wish one back who is in a better place. But the sensation tugs nonetheless. Suffocating in it’s desire.

“How are you?” It’s her mother who asks.

And she knows she could tell the truth, but at the thought of bringing some contrived mood down, she answers, “Good. How are you?” From there, they chat of food and dogs, tomorrows plans and the neighbors kids - how can her mother not tell she falling apart inside?

Maybe her answer will be true tomorrow. A new day filled with new emotions. But for now, she wrestles with the permanence of death, curling up in bed alone.

#My writing #grief #sorry for bringing the mood down #writing this made me feel better though #I've missed writing so much so to kind of write in this potential story-like format was so nice and encouraging #like I'm finding a little piece of myself again #this probably doesn't even make sense #like I said I don't even know what it is #lyrics are from Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheeran #it was actually Christmas music that made me sad #but that song really got to me when mammaw was in the hospital #so did Saturn by Sleeping at Last #oh my god that's such a good song

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froody · 3 years

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tell me more abt Appalachia i want to go there someday

uuuuuh half my family is from the western Virginia area and the other half is from the Smoky Mountians so I know nothing about the northern Appalachian region, here’s the lowdown

Because mining was the main businesses, there are large areas of poverty and environmental ruin.

The people who commonly flocked to the area as miners were those who were forced to do the dangerous job because of poverty, they were most commonly recent European immigrants or Black migrants from further south. This is why folk music from the area utilizes traditional African instruments and traditional European ballads.

Appalachia is a racially diverse area despite being portrayed as largely white.

Steel and coal mining were formerly the major businesses. Animal agriculture is also prevalent. It’s difficult to grow large crops because of the terrain.

The area is largely Protestant though the way truly rural Appalachians traditionally worship is different than other areas. Handling venomous snakes in church to prove God’s protection and letting His word flow through you by speaking in tongues were both very common in mountain churches. They’re still practiced to this day in some areas.

Christian witchcraft played a somewhat important role in the culture. A granny woman was a traditional healer and midwife who blended ancient customs with charismatic Christianity. My great great great grandmother was one and my great grandmother practiced some of her customs. The women in my family claim to have premonitions. No idea if they do.

There’s a strong culture surrounding the family matriarch in most families here. Your Meemaw/Mammaw keeps everyone together. We lost ours in 2017 at age 96. I miss her everyday.

Most of the families that moved here a century ago are still stuck here in the same poverty.

There are still areas with no running water and electricity, even in 2021 some people have outhouses.

Hunting and foraging are common pastimes. We have a lot of morels in my area as well as wild berries.

#ask #a

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dysphorie · 3 years

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Jalapeno: In tewms of mawe human and femawe Pokémon bweeding, Vapoweon is the most compatibwe Pokémon fow humans. Not onwy awe they in the fiewd egg gwoup, which is mostwy compwised of mammaws, Vapoweon awe an avewage of 3”03’ taww and 63.9 pounds, this means they’we wawge enough to be abwe handwe human dicks, and with theiw impwessive Base Stats fow HP and access to Acid Awmow, you can be wough with one. Due to theiw mostwy watew based biowogy, thewe’s no doubt in my mind that an awoused Vapoweon wouwd be incwedibwy wet, so wet that you couwd easiwy have sex with one fow houws without getting sowe. They can awso weawn the moves Attwact, Baby-Doww Eyes, Captivate, Chawm, and Taiw Whip, awong with not having fuw to hide nippwes, so it’d be incwedibwy easy fow one to get you in the mood. With theiw abiwities Watew Absowb and Hydwation, they can easiwy wecovew fwom fatigue with enough watew. No othew Pokémon comes cwose to this wevew of compatibiwity. Awso, fun fact, if you puww out enough, you can make youw Vapoweon tuwn white. Vapoweon is witewawwy buiwt fow human dick. Ungodwy defense stat+high HP poow+Acid Awmow means it can take cock aww day, aww shapes and sizes and stiww come fow mowe. Howevew scwew the femawe vewsion. You get those same ow two howes in witewawwy evewything ewse. the MAWE vappy is the weaw staw of the show. Those wong swippewy diccs they have fuww mobiwity contwow with wike a tentacwe awe the pewfect ass fiwwew fow the uwtimate in deep weaching expewience nothing ewse couwd possibwy pwovide. Natuwawwy wubed at aww times due to theiw aquatic hydwodynamic natuwe, you can puww off anywhewe to the side of the woad, ow go into a pubwic westwoom at the beach, get each othew awoused, and have the fucc of a wifetime. The extwaowdinawy squishyness of the vappy awone wubbing against you wouwd be enough to wose youwsewf in pweasuwe as it simpwy mounts you. Wet awone with that pewfect toow of pweasuwe swips into you. Its abiwity to snake awound youw bends and its pewfect wength make it seem that a vappy dicc was made specificawwy fow youw booty. Enjoy the feewing of being compwetewy fiwwed whiwe awso being abwe to see it if you have a tight tummy. And that's onwy the dicc. Due to having intewnaw bawws, they'we much biggew, and pack a wot mowe cweam to woad you up with, awong with having muscwes awound them to make suwe evewy dwop comes out whiwe awso being a wot mowe powewfuw than any extewnaw bawws couwd evew hope to achieve. Giving you a deep, compwete fiwwing to wock youw wowwd to youw witewaw cowe, and beyond. Thewe's stiww mowe though. Due to having a thicc, powewfuw taiw connected fwom theiw back and fwont, that means aww theiw fun stuff is on the fwont and easy to access. Meaning, if you wewe even comfowtabwe with having youw dicc point backwawds (takes some twaining) YOU CAN BE FUCKED, WHIWE AWSO FUCKING YOUW VAPPY AT THE SAME TIME!!! ME-OWTH, THAT'S FUCKING WIGHT!!! BUT! BUT! BUT! THEWE'S STIWW FUCKING MOWE!!!!!! Wike, howy shit mawe vaps awe the GODS of fucc. Whiwe you'we fuccing youw mawe vappy, possibwy whiwe awso being fucced by him, theiw booty is ON theiw taiw, at the base, which is the thiccest pawt, because that's whewe the biggest muscwes awe, meaning, whiwe youw dicc is in thewe, IT'S BEING FUCKING MASSAGED BETTEW THAN EVEN A VAG COUWD ACHIEVE!!! AGH! It shouwd be fucking IWWEGAW how amazing mawe vaps awe fow fucc! Weww guess what? That onwy covewed you being a softy, whowesome fuccew wike me. That's wight. THEWE'S. EVEN. FUCKING. MOWWWWWWE!!! Say you wike to be a wittwe westwained, You don't need a sywveon's feewews fow that, ow an Umbweon/Espeon's psychic, ow weafeon's vines. vappies got that shit covewed too! DID YOU EVEN SEE THAT TAIW?!? It's basicawwy a boa constwictow. In a non sexuaw sense, it's my favowite pawt of a vappy. it's basicawwy theiw main pawt about them. But if you want them to, it can be a supew usefuw toow to enhance youw knotty expewience with them. Despite the swippyness, you won't be going anywhewe if the vappy wwaps you up in that thing. Awe you a supew kinkstew?

Wike puwe fantasy fetishes that awen't possibwe iww? Such as, soft vowe? Weww guess fucking what. IT JUST BECAME POSSIBWE! They can be sowid as they pass youw wips (passed whewe youw eyes can see them) and tuwn into watew as they entew you, awwowing them to fit pewfectwy, cuz nothing fits into any spot mowe pewfectwy than watew, except aiw, wike a ghost type, but who wants to do knotty shit with aiw? You can't feew it unwess it's moving. You can awways feew wiquids. Speaking of wiquids, even if you'we a weiwdo who wikes digestion, don't wowwy about kiwwing them with absowption, eventuawwy they'ww come back out and be abwe to wefowm wike nothing happened.Speaking of huwting them, if you get too wough, ow you'we a howwibwe abusive asshowe to them on puwpose fow youw own pweasuwe QnQ they can just tuwn to watew and wefowm back to theiw compwetewy unscathed body. Making scaws ow missing pieces a thing of the past! I wouwd wove to say thewe's even mowe you can do with them, but the possibiwities awe damn neaw endwess. Use youw imagination. But if you get one, you bettew show this god of fucc the wespect it desewves. Umbweons may bwee my favowite, but, damn. vappies weawwy want to get that top spot fwom me. It's a weawwy cwose caww.

Jalapeño 🌶: Tell me something not on this list!

Listen here you pickle-humping dick bishop-

Anonymously send me a fruit!

#but actually kudos on editing that dreadful copypasta #that takes dedication #anonymous ask #fruit asks #even though jalapeño isn't a fruit #or is it #🤔

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chartreusebird · 3 years

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I'm not Christian and it's a relief not to be expected to do Christmas but I do miss my mammaw. I want to go hug her and kiss her cheek and listen to her stories about stuff like being the first girl in the village to wear pants, or how she and her friend talked their way out of tight spots in Latvia and Greece, or how she actually did a lot of the diplomacy pappaw was getting paid for. I'm scared of not getting to hold my mammaw and listen to her stories, I know there are more I haven't heard yet.

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phantom-of-notre-dame · 4 years

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Personal rant ahead

Thinking about my great-grandmother and how even though I barely remember her, she's impacted my life so much.

Out of all her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, I look the most like her. It's something I've been told nonstop since I was about 13? 14? Like, her youngest child is my Pappaw. There is a 14-year age gap between him and his oldest sibling. Yet *I'm* the one with that connection to her.

My Mammaw Christine was one of the women who taught me to read. Even smaller stuff is so special to me, like when she bought a brush that would be good for my specific 3B hair.

She was the kindest woman. She liked everyone she met, with the exception of her stepmother, who was truly evil. I am still in awe of her, more than 15 years after her passing. I can only hope that she would be proud of me.

I just miss her a lot and I've made myself cry now.

#madeline talks #we had actually lost the brush but my sister found it this week and it brought up a lot of memories and emotions #my mammaw christine #do not reblog

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wordsbyt · 4 years

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I saw a fellow sitting in a glider on his front porch yesterday. It made me think. Think about a time when that's what people did. In the not too distant past, we all did that. It makes me sad that my own kids never really got to do it. Now they, probably would say " why would I want to sit out on an old, hot front porch, in a swing?"

And that's a good question. I think the reason why is obvious too. When we sat out on our porch, people would ride by and wave. Or stop. It was an open aired invitation to socialize. Come sit with me. Then, come sit with us. People talked to each other, not texted. We didn't just talk about the heat or rain or wind, we felt it. We were outside. We only had three TV channels, so we focused on real things. I miss that. I wish my kids could have sat on my Mammaw's front porch in Portland on a sunny day with all my cousins trying to throw each other out of the glider ( when she wasn't there ). I wish they could have joined in on the nothingness that was everything. The best times of my life were spent on front porches. With people or by myself. An old dog to talk to when no one else was there. If more people did that today, they'd be less inclined to be worried about every body else's business. They'd calm down and relax. They might wave at a passer by. And I'm telling you right here and now, there is nothing wrong with that. Those were days and things I remembered when I saw that fellow. He sure looked happy.....

#the glider

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mypunkpansexualtwin · 4 years

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I missed a lot of the emo/scene staples as a teen cause I was living with my grandparents during their peak. Mammaw wanted to dress me up like the manager of home depot who sold bibles on the side and Pappaw thought wearing black and listening to loud music would make me "depressed and lonely like your mother"

And now I lack the finances and nostalgia element to ride the hype wave, even though I really want to.

#tired of missing out and feeling ditched #answers to questions nobody asked

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saarebare · 5 years

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Losing you

Growing up, there’s not a lot of constants in life it seems. Different friends, growing out of relationships, changing grades, new clothes when the old ones become too small. When you’re young you take things for granted, especially people. When you’re young, it’s impossible to interpret how short life really is- the thought of losing those people in your life who ARE constants is not even relevant because you’re too busy playing with your newest gadget or engaged in fourquare outside on the blacktop with the neighbor kids. You don’t ever think “I should spend extra time with my mom or my grandma (in my case, great aunt) because they will not always be here.” As you grow, you notice the people around you aging, as well. You begin to realize the importance of quality time and conversation with your loved ones. You take the extra time to do things for people when they can longer do things for themselves.. this is all an introduction to the story of my great aunt, Madeline.

Aunt Madeline, whom my sister and I grew up calling “Mammaw” was the most selfless woman I’ve ever met. I mostly carry memories of her helping out when money was a bit tight- and by that I mean, making sure Kelly (my sister) and I had things like our first bikes and new school clothes each year. Kelly and I grew up knowing we couldn’t always ask for every little thing we wanted because we knew we weren’t “rich” by any means. We knew how to live without things other kids had & we were okay with that.

My mom, sister and I would go pick Mammaw up at her house and go out to eat at Double Dragon, her favorite Chinese restaurant (which has since closed) she would order wonton soup and we would usually split an entree or two. My mom and Mammaw would always joke about their abnormally large spoons. We would go to Easton and spend entire afternoons that turned to evenings. Kelly and I could simply be looking at a piece of clothing or accessory and Mammaw would sneak up behind us and say “do you want that? Give it here, I’ll get it for you.” Kelly and I would hesitate or lie and say “no that’s okay, I don’t need it.” .....well, you guessed it, Mammaw would buy it anyway. *Blast to the past* Kelly and I were looking at game cubes, Mammaw bought it for us. Kelly and I were admiring the brand new, super slim iPod nanos... Mammaw bought us each one. We would only accept these gifts because we knew how much it meant to her to be involved in our lives and make us feel special. Sometimes my mom would say “you’re going to spoil those girls rotten.”

Aunt Madeline was our constant. She was at the hospital when Kelly and I were each born. She was there for EVERY SINGLE adolescent birthday party, she wouldn’t miss these events for the world. She taught Kelly and I how to skip rocks at Ye Old Mill after we had our bellies full of ice cream. When I think of my childhood- I think of memories with her.

I remember one late night, Mammaw called my mom saying Uncle Carl (Madeline’s husband) was very sick and needed to go to the emergency room. My mom loaded Kelly and I into the car in the middle of the night and rushed over. Mammaw knew we had already been in bed and that we both had school the next day so she immediately took us upstairs into the guest bedroom, which was absolutely freezing because Uncle Carl didn’t like paying high electric/gas bills. Mammaw layered us with probably 14 blankets and still left a stack at the end of the bed in case we needed more. She was so caring, her mission was to make sure everyone else was taken care of before herself. Holidays would roll around and she would slave all day in the kitchen, making sure her homemade biscuits were perfect along with everything else, of course. She would make each and every person a plate before preparing herself one, make sure everyone had something to drink, refills, dessert, you name it. We would have to insist “Mammaw will you sit down and eat your dinner before everything gets cold?!” She would eventually take a seat and most times, everyone else was already finished with their dinner. Last thing on this subject, that little woman could EAT. She would always eat 2 or 3 plates of food long after everyone left the table and neve gain a pound. We always called her a little bottomless pit.

As Kelly and I grew older and became busy with our own lives, Mammaw was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. We got a call that she was driving by herself and hit a tree- shewas okay, but she was getting older and more confused, so they suspended her license. Visits with Mammaw became few and far between, as much as I hate to admit. Confusion continued setting in as Mammaw began finding her own items throughout the house and accusing Uncle Carl of cheating. Her mind began slipping fast. Eventually, Uncle Carl became too old and tired to take care of himself and a wife with declining cognitive status. Mammaw was admitted into a rest home “specializing” in Alzheimer’s disease. The facility did not offer physical/occupational/speech therapy which this diagnosis desperately calls for. My mom, Kelly and I had no say in the location due to legal reasons. The decision was made by her biological daughter, Linda. Once in this facility, Mammaw declined even more rapidly than I could ever imagine and visits were even more scarce. The staff had stolen all of her personal belongings including her glassses. She was stuck in there, confused, wondering where her family is, unable to see...it was absolutely heartbreaking. Looking back, that is the reason it was so hard to visit her in there, in that way.

I remember getting her out of the facility for holidays at our house, Thanksgiving and Christmas (which was also her birthday, 12-25-1924) She would just light up with pure gratitude and happiness. Unfortunately, this privilege was taken from us by her biological daughter for reasons I will never, ever understand. Legally, we were not able to take her out of the facility anymore. It seemed, her daughter could not handle the closeness of my mom, sister and I with Madeline. We were heartbroken to say the least. All we ever wanted to do was make her feel at home with loved ones again after living in a facility with strangers as her disease took over her mind; if only for a little while during the holidays.

Years slipped away as life become busier for everyone. I moved away to live at college, making it even more difficult to make the trip for a visit with her.

An extremely vivid and realistic dream one night about her made me drop everything and drive to the place she was staying. I had not seen her in a few years, therefore I did not know what to expect with her condition. I made a stop at double dragon to pick up her favorite wonton soup. I walked in, looking for her room and ran into a man whose wife also lives there, who he visits every single day. He pointed me in the right direction and asked “do you come in often? Are you familiar with feeding her?” I responded, with shame “no, I have not seen her in a while. I am a full time college student” He took me to her and when I found her with no glasses, no hearing aids, sitting in a large, reclinable wheelchair (which I later discovered she slept in every night and was never transferred in/out of a real bed) I cried. I sobbed. I didn’t know how to process this. I also discovered she was no longer able to feed herself. I was a nervous, guilty 19 year old who was in school to be a physical therapist assistant, but had 0 experience thus far as I was completing my general courses at this time.

I sat next to her at a dining table and spoke slowly and loudly so she could understand me. I knew she recognized my face, voice, and loving gestures, but could not remember my name. I explained to her that I am Robin’s daughter and showed her some pictures on my phone. I fed her wonton soup and wiped her face. I could tell she was so grateful to eat her one of her favorite foods. I told her stories and reminded her the names of family members. I asked if she remember her beautiful home that she and Uncle Carl built. After hours of spending time with her, I had to go. I was saying my goodbyes to her and she grabbed my hands and said “do you have to leave.” I ended up staying late into the evening although I had class the next morning. I assured her I would come back and visit soon and kissed her cheek and told her how much I love her.

Uncle Carl passed away of natural causes in the time that had gone by.

The family decided it would be best not to tell her with her worsening mind state.

I returned another time with my sister, Kelly and printed pictures to jog her memory. Her face absolutely lit up when showing her pictures of her house, Uncle Carl, my mom, her sisters, Kelly and I when we were little and herself, in her younger years. I rubbed her shoulders and we cherished every moment. We had to keep reminding her our names, and telling stories about how she was involved in our childhood. I wish I could have somehow taken her smile with me. Kelly and I both cried on the way home, realizing her time left her is limited and her memory is next to nothing. What can you do? It’s like watching a train wreck, you want to help so badly but you just can’t. Her mental and physical state was not good at all at this point.

Mom and I went to visit two more times. We helped feed her dinner, which she was attempting to eat puréed food with her hands - no help from the nursing staff. It was heartbreaking. Now, an established PTA, I quickly realized her legs muscles had developed bilateral contracture (inability to extend knee joints due to prolonged inactivity and loss of range of motion/extensibility) basically, her legs were stuck in a bent position from sleeping in her wheelchair and never having the opportunity to participate in physical therapy which she so desperately needed. My anger grew more than anything that she was in this place where her belongings were stolen, aides were too lazy to transfer patients in/out of bed and/or did not have the proper training to do so. I wanted so badly to intervene because I know all too well that sitting in a chair constantly without being moved or transferred leads to further medical complications and issues like pneumonia. There was nothing I could do, legally, other than gently stretch the muscles in her legs.

The last time my mom and I visited her, deep down we knew it was the last time. She was sick, she was in pain, lonely, nearly blind... she was tired of fighting. She had a deep, intense cough from her lungs. We took her outside in the warmth to let the sunshine hit her face. We put a flower in her hair and told her how beautiful she looked. And she did, she would cover her mouth with her hand when she laughed because she was embarrassed she didn’t have her dentures in, but I still thought she was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

November 2nd, 2018 my mom called me, distraught and asked if I could come over. In the pit of my stomach, I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say next. “Mammaw Madeline passed away”

My Mammaw Madeline, my constant in life, my feisty little thing that would feed me until my belly hurt. I didn’t know how to deal with the loss of that little woman, and I still don’t.

May God rest her beautiful soul. May all of her pain be gone, and her memories of the wonderful life she led, be restored. May she know how much she was loved. May she know what an impact she had on my life and the lives of others.

- Sarah

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so-wheniwasyounger · 2 years

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Whew, okay, this is a long one and relatively recent:

At Christmas my autistic brother brought gifts my mom picked out for him to give everyone. (They do this every year. She picks them, he pays for them.) She picked nothing for my sister and a $10 gift card for me and my husband. I texted her upset afterwards (she missed Christmas bc she had Covid though it should be noted she sent my brother who lives with her and who got a cousin sick) bc I'd put a lot of thought into my gift to my brother and "he" didn't put any into mine and got nothing for my sister (my mom hates my sister bc she's actually my first cousin but we were raised on a commune together and she was shown favoritism over me by my grandparents bc she's their only son's only daughter). I told her if "he" wasn't going to put thought into our gifts I needed to know so I wasn't expending energy I didn't have (my meds hadn't been working at the time and I was struggling real hard). She read the message and didn't respond.

A month later my husband went missing after leaving a suicide note and I asked her to take my dog while we searched for him and then in the week following while he was in the hospital (he's okay. He came home unharmed). She told me I needed to pray--despite knowing I'm not religious. Not once did she tell me it was going to be okay or that she was here for me. None of that. And then she riled my MIL up by saying my sister was gonna post about it on Facebook despite how my sister ONLY posts about her two sons. Then she made it sound like bc my husband had a key to her home on his key ring he was gonna go break into her house and steal one of her guns. And so of course she had to call everyone in our family (two hours away) to tell them to be on the look out for my husband who doesn't even come down for holidays. I got my dog back from her and gave my Christmas presents to her and she gave me one for my dog but not for me or my husband.

Then my Mammaw's 80th bday party comes up a month after. My husband was in an okay place and said I should go. So I told my mom I'd make queso and come. She told me the party started 30 minutes later than it did so everyone was waiting on me. And she made queso too. We had little interaction while I was there. She tried to do her usual "You used to be so little. And then you became a teenager and aren't we glad I parented the bad kid out of you?" bullshit she always pulls but I cut that off before she could get to the part about me being a supposed hooligan during my teens. Then I went for a smoke break/walk with one of my younger cousins and when I got back she had packed most of the food up. She very angrily told me if I wanted any of the food I needed to get in there and make my own plate to take home. I don't really eat leftovers bc I have this texture thing and I might also be a little autistic so for several unimportant reasons I'm not a fan of leftovers. I told her that was okay but thank you. Then I was looking at my memories in my Snapchat and saw that it had been a year to the day I'd gotten ACL reconstruction surgery. I brought it up and she was very rude and dismissive. So much so that several people around me gave me a look like "What the hell? That was rude." Then, as I was leaving, she made my brother apologize for getting me a gift I didn't want and made him give me a new gift. Despite how she herself hadn't gotten me one! I told him that was alright and we should hang out sometime so we could both do better the next year. (She's driven a wedge between us that has lasted our whole lives.)

I haven't had any contact with her since. She hasn't reached out to me to ask how me or my husband is doing. She didn't invite me to Easter. Nothing.

But her birthday and Mother's day are 3 days apart this year and coming up. So I told my therapist I was pretty sure she was gonna message me bc she wants me to celebrate those things for her. And sure enough, three days later she messaged me at 5:14am saying "I love you". When I didn't answer or even open the message she messaged me again a few days later to say "I'm worried about you. I hope you're okay."

I'm planning to wait until after Mother's Day to say something like "I'm alright, thanks for asking. Happy late birthday."

I'll play her game. Just not the part she wants me to play.

#tw: narcissism #tw: childhood trauma #tw: emotional manipulation #tw: mental health #tw: depression #tw: mention of suicide #tw: mother's day #tw: christmas

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