#i think about this game like 23 hours of the day idk where the fuck that energy is gonna go if i suddenly have no way to play it

[stupot]

#its times like these being Not Autistic would be really helpful #i know your grown 25 year old ass is not about to cry over the potential closure of a tiny arcade #its not like it was a healthy social thing i got to look forward to every week or anything #i think about this game like 23 hours of the day idk where the fuck that energy is gonna go if i suddenly have no way to play it #i am heartbroken lol

[br1ghtestlight]

getting war flashbacks to the bobs burgers fanfic where louise is doing math homework in the restaurant when nobody else is around and then bob has a heart attack </3 that shit was TRAUMATIZING

love linda shouting four whenever there's a math problem or anything related to numbers. best recurring joke. FOUR!!!!

you can do it gene :D also im so bad at math I 100% would not be able to help either. dumbass rep family

bob trying to help gene with his homework is cute. even if he is Not very good at it. he wants to be an involved dad :(

gene im not gonna lie that math question has gotta be fucking with you. rhat is not a real question. i could NEVER do that not if i was given 100 hours that shit is fake

see this is where when I was in math class i would just write a random number and move on bcuz im never gonna figure it out anyway im not gonna waste time. so that's my advice gene. just Give Up

he says "maybe your mom or tina could get you started" because they're older but I genuinely think louise has a better chance of helping bcuz she is so smart. if she'd WANT to help is another question entirely

because I'm stuck in a safe 😐

AND THEN HE BLINDFOLDED ME ON THE WAY HERE??? HE BLINDFOLDED YOU??????

teddy I think his guy is gonna murder you im gonna be so real right now

unfortunately im kinda following teddy's logic now like. it isnt like fischoeder isn't doing this type of shit everyday just for fun. rich guys are just like that BUT getting their money is nice

"gene was doing homework?? that's new"

WE'RE NOT ALL ECONOMICALLY COMFORTABLE LIKE YOU ARE

"Why did you tell me the whole long story about the sandwich in the drawer if you're running out of battery LOCKED IN A SAFE??" "Context!!!!"

also bob and teddy have such great comedic chemistry lmao they bounce off each other so naturally

louise isn't lying she Does have a certain set of skills 😭 if anyone could find him it WOULD be her the lockpicking genius nine year old supervillain

miss you. see you soon. gotta go!!

has he gotten a new cellphone since that MIDDLE OF THE DAY AND YOUR PHONE IS AT 23% argument or is it that same shitty 2008 blackberry phone that dies almost immediately lmfao

bob is a real one for doing this bullshit for teddy he did NOT have to. they're ride or die fr

I'm not entirely unconvinced that gerald isnt a serial killer but thats okay <3 men can have hobbies

also I'm choosing to believe this gerald is the same one from the taxes/weed cookie episode even though it ABSOLUTELY is not bcuz i think that would be funny. by day he's a regular tax agent by night he is a creepy rich kidnapper who pulls mind games on all his handymen

OH I FORGOT THE SUBPLOT FOR THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT SPORTS PEOPLE why did they do the whole thing with gene's homework then.... are they connected. what is the gameplan

WE PICK A NEW LOVER FOR MOM

i love how bob is apparently the only thing keeping his family from going completely off the fucking rails like. he's the only thing standing between his family and their restaurant burning down with everyone inside fr

your dad never loved that dream :/ because he's a hater :/ AND SO JEALOUS :/

you're not gonna break the world record. another hater. STOP THAT

I might be having a panic attack 💔 I CANT TELL BECAUSE IVE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE OR IM ALWAYS HAVING ONE soo real teddy

WE LOST HIM 😭😭💔

aww I love them all wearing their lil aprons <3 (crappy photo of my tablet bcuz the app im using to watch this episode doesn't allow screenshots)

SAY SOMETHING SMART LIKE UHH HOW WOULD YOU FLIP A GIANT BURGER. OH GOD THEY DIDNT MAKE THE GIANT BURGER DID THEY. WHO WOULD EVEN AGREE TO EAT THAT. AN OVER FOURTY CO-ED BASKETBALL TEAM. REALLY 😯

sorry this episode has so many good ooc quotes FJDMDJSKSKKM

gene STOP calling him father

bob is being like a whole ass detective meanwhile linda and the kids are currently making The Worst Decisions Ever

h jon benjiman is doing such a good job voicing bob in this episode idk it has so much personality and sounds natural. or it's always like this and im just now appreciating it but either way A+ work

cute bob and teddy moment ❤️❤️

(ignore the awful camera quality. nothing I can do there) also love the fact that teddy can easily lift up and manhandle bob. Good to know

there's so much going on w/ this gerald guy I dont even know WHERE to begin. what a guy. wow

this is so cute and sweet im so happy!!! YOU DOUBLE FAKE WALLED HIM :D YOU SMART SMARTIE. YOURE A GENIUS BOB

"I knew I asked the right person to come help me. Yeah. Mort wouldn't answer."

"What? You called Mort first?"

"No..."

HE ASKED MORT???? LMFAO big win for tedmort shippers. I fucking guess

MORT NEVER DOUBLE FAKE WALLED ANYONE why is bob like genuinely jealous of mort and teddy right now 😭 chill out man you've got a wife at home

"let's just say it's twelve" FINALLY bob follows my very smart advice when it comes to math homework smh

ALSO THIS IS TECHNICALLY THE FIRST TIME WE'VE SEEN THEM EATING BOBS BURGERS FOR DINNER OR IN GENERAL!!! I mean it's a giant hamburger loaf but it technically was served at bob's burgers so it counts

GIANT FRENCH FRIES

aww this episode was so fun and cute!! I love the more adventure-y type episodes where they explore a new location so this episode was great and very stressful lmao. also very funny. I love bob and teddy's dynamic/back and forth throughout the episode and the weird mort mention at the end felt like they were soft launching his and teddy's relationship even though I KNOW they aren't actually. mort could replace kathleen if we believe. very solid 8/10 episode :)

#txt #bob's burgers #episode review #bb spoilers

[hockeychatstea]

here’s smthing not about nico or jack lmao but about umich players okay so boom:

rutger m. used to date a girl named sierra. coming into his freshman year at umich they had been dating for a LONG time (like maybe 4 or 5 years atp) and they were honestly the epitome of young love and you cld tell they were serious about eachother. she was even at his draft day and oddly enough she’s also his sisters bff (idk if they’re still close now) but that’s probably how he met her. from the way things were looking they were going strong, she’d come to his games here and there and then in jan of 23 he went to wjc and she even traveled to can. with his family to cheer him on (im pretty sure there were pics of this but they’re deleted now). so seeing this you’d think oh they’re totally in love no way they ever break up but oh boy. here’s where shit gets messy: Valentine’s Day rolls around and like normal guys in relationships are posting their gfs but rutger never does which is questionable but okay maybe he’s busy right? NOPE. that same fucking day, VALENTINE’s DAY, midway through the day he starts deleting all of his posts with her. he took his time with that shit too like he’d delete one, pause for like an hour then delete the next one he was taking his time. and then like clockwork wanna know what he does after he deletes everything with her? immediately follows a whole bunch of girls. you could tell he was waiting for that moment bc he didn’t even waste a minute like men are truly something i tell ya. so one can assume that they broke up that day and that poor girl omg while he moved on literally that same day it took her a really long time to delete all of the pics with him off her page and he was practically in all of them. but yea now he’s dating a girl who quite literally is a carbon copy of her so (they’re both blonde so that doesn’t help his case).

Oof, the tea is hot with this one!

#hockey gossip #hockey tea #r.mcgroarty #umich hockey

[heliads]

Requesting a Clove x reader fic where the two have known each other since childhood! While Clove is an aspiring Tribute, the reader is from a super privileged District 2 family who’s exempt from the reapings, for some reason. (they were close allies with the capitol, ever since the first rebellion?? they train peacekeepers or make high-tech weapons?? Idk.) The reader always knew that Clove dreamed of participating in the games, and as her BFF (best friend-turned-girlfriend), she’s always supported her in her endeavors. Hell, her main motivation in learning hand to hand combat, even though she will never need to, is just so she can spar with Clove whenever Clove can’t train with anyone else. the reader probably still sucks though.

About a year before the 74th Game, the reader realizes just how close Clove is to being “ready.” And it scares her more than anything. She still tries to support Clove, and she still helps her practice occasionally, but she is clearly losing her enthusiasm each time Clove discusses or demonstrates her progress. Whether or not Clove has to convince her, the reader eventually spills out her fears for what will happen in the arena, verging on begging her not to volunteer next year. No matter how much she wants to trust Clove, she can’t fight down the dread that now shadows her 24/7. 23 enemies (especially the other Careers, they can’t be allies forever). Mutts. Bad weather. Dehydration, starvation, illness. There are too many things that can easily go wrong, so how could she possibly be okay with her best friend/girlfriend leaving?

This is of course an angst request, but here’s where you can decide if it stays that way! Does this become an AU where Clove later decides that she won’t volunteer, even if it means throwing so much away? The glory and her many years of preparation? The expectations of her peers, teachers, neighbors and family? (But that’s okay, the reader is willing to use her own family name to back her up if she has to.) Or is Clove just too far invested, and there’s no turning away from her life purpose? If that’s the case, then… the reader needs a big fucking hug, and she’ll be there to say goodbye before Clove leaves for the capitol.

just realized that this actually works as a prequel to my other clove request, which is dare i say iconic. also anon you must know that if you offer me a chance for angst i will never turn it down! !

masterlist

If someone were to listen to the gaping cavity in your chest, you think they’d hear the thud of a throwing knife against a target instead of regular heartbeats. It certainly feels like that, at least; you must have spent hours in the training room just today, and that’s not even mentioning every other day in your past and future.

That’s how it must be, though. Someone has to train until they’re as close to perfection as a human being can get. Someone has to be able to kill twenty-three other tributes until they’re the only one left standing. Someone must do all this, and that someone must be Clove.

The idea of prepping your girlfriend for the arena is somewhat morbid, but it’s not as if you truly had a choice in the matter. Clove made you swear to help her when you were small, and you’ve never been able to hold her in anything less than your word. If you really think about it, what you’re doing here is saving her, not damning her. By ensuring that Clove is as good as she could possibly be, you do all you can to keep her alive when she’s finally beyond your reach as a competitor.

Besides, it’s the least you can do. You won’t be in the Games, after all. Your name is not in the Reaping, nor has it been any of the other years you’ve technically been eligible. That’s the way it went for your father, and for his father before him. The Capitol does not like sparing any of the districts from the Hunger Games, but for a family they need in Two, certain exceptions were made.

The first lesson your family taught you was how to make yourself important. You should always have debts owed to you, favors that need to be paid off. That’s how you stay alive, how you stay out of trouble, and, most importantly of all, how you ensure that your name will never be called to participate in the Hunger Games. 

In a place like District Two, where volunteers are commonplace, taking part in the Games is a source of pride. Lurking in the back of everyone’s mind, though, is the sickly truth that they’re not an honor but a chance to die. Sure, you could win it, and earn your family honor and respect, but you could lose the Games and have your life ended before you even saw twenty.

Your family knew that they needed to find a way to permanently stay out of the Reaping, so they played their cards right during the war and it paid off. Your family closely allied themselves with the right people in the Capitol, and so when the Hunger Games started, the leader of Panem made a rule that the names of anyone in your bloodline would never be called. 

It was their only choice. Your family found a way to deeply involve themselves with the organization of the Peacekeepers. Without your relatives there to keep all of the branches interacting with each other in the best, most efficient way, the entire system would fall to pieces. There was a bit of dispute around that point when your grandfather was first running things, so he proved his points by stepping away. Nothing worked– the Peacekeepers in each district lost communication with each other and the Capitol in hours.

After that, they didn’t test you any longer, and your family was allowed to stay out of everything. It was an unspoken agreement that carried on no matter the leader of Panem, no matter the generation of your family. Your grandfather passed on the responsibility to your father, and you’ve been receiving the necessary training such that, when you finally come of age, you will be able to take it from him.

For the sake of pretense, all of you still entered your name on Reaping Day like everyone else, but the slips of paper would be removed before the ceremony began. That was to be expected, though. Divisions arise when people have a sense of inequality. If you want to stop the rebellions from arising, you reduce the visibility. You can’t grow outraged over unfair circumstances if you have no idea that the unfair circumstances exist at all.

To account for this, only the members of your family know that you’ll never enter the Reaping. You can play it off as good luck, and so long as you’re not obvious about it, no one will think twice about the fact that no L/N has ever entered the Hunger Games. Citizens are already distracted by the looming terror that one of their young ones could die within a month. No one’s tracking back your lineage to examine how many people you’ve lost.

You did tell one person, though. It couldn’t be helped. You and Clove tell each other anything anyway, how could you keep a secret like this? She made you swear to help her train years ago, but when the first year of Reaping eligibility finally started rolling around, Clove was confused as to why you weren’t training as vigorously as she was.

The answer you gave hesitantly, after consulting with various relatives to make sure you wouldn’t be damning most all of your loved ones. Clove took the news surprisingly well, actually. Maybe it’s because you were one fewer target that she had to take out. You were no longer a threat, which meant that you could instead be a friend. And then, later, you could be more. You could be someone she loved.

Loving her was inevitable. If you spend hours every day with another girl, if the two of you start sleeping over in each other’s rooms so as to not waste a single moment as the Games draw closer every year, if someone looked at you the way Clove did, of course you would fall. The falling was the easy part. Having to live with it was harder.

In the decades to come, you think you’ll look back on those years as the best of your life. Training always ramped up closer to the Games just in case; although Clove planned on volunteering when she was older so she’d have the best chance of a decisive victory, there was always the possibility that her name would be called before she was ready. Clove simply had to be prepared for anything, and so you cleared your schedule so you could help her out.

And so the days would pass, bleeding into weeks and months. You’d meet her at the District Two training center, or maybe the two of you would walk together. You learned combat for the sole purpose of being able to let her practice even better. You’d spot her while she was lifting weights, judge her form when she couldn’t watch her back, and do everything in your power to make sure she was going to win when the time came.

You have a thousand such memories stored in your head, of Clove throwing her first series of successive bullseyes and nearly tackling you to the ground from hugging you so hard; her exultant grin every time she could lift more, throw harder, do better; how she used to grab you around the waist with that mad laugh and tell you that she was going to do it all. You believed her, how could you not? How could you do anything but nod along, lost in her ferocity for life?

You loved her from the start, maybe. It was something you were born to do. You stood in her shadow and it did not darken your spirit, for it gave you the chance to watch her thrive and that would be enough for you, it always was. She was glorious. You were you. It had always felt uneven, but that was alright so long as you could just keep her.

The keeping her was the problem, though, as it would turn out. Clove wanted to volunteer, she always had. District Two raises golden tributes who can win better and faster than anyone else. Her end goal was always entering the Games so she could come out the other side with that title. It was her plan from day one, and you knew that, but somehow it still stunned you when she finally announced to you that it would be time to volunteer.

Your first reaction was disbelief. It was, of course, something that you were aware of the entire time, but it was wrong now. Clove volunteering was always something distant, an event that wouldn’t happen for years. It’s real now, though. It has always been real, but for once, you have to face it.

Selfishly, you had tried to talk Clove out of it, asking her not to volunteer. If her name was called, of course she would enter the Games anyway, but why put herself in unnecessary danger? You begged and pleaded, you asked her to stay out if not for her own life than for yours, but Clove just laughed and said you wouldn’t have to worry, because she would win. Of course she would win. There was no world in her mind in which she would die.

Still, you tried to persuade her otherwise. You still helped her train, but your enthusiasm flagged by the day. You were no longer protecting her from death, you were preparing her for her own demise. You encouraged this in her. You are to blame if– when– she dies. It will be her blood on your hands, and that will be something you will never be able to forget.

All of your attempts come to naught. The Reaping still comes, and although Clove has not promised you anything outright, you find it hard to believe that you’d be able to break through so many years of propaganda to make her realize that her life is worth more to you than her dying in the Games for glory that would only end up someone else’s. It doesn’t matter that you would put your family name on the line to keep her safe, this is what Clove wants, and you’ve known her long enough to recognize that it’s what she will get.

On Reaping Day, you find yourself lining up with the other District Two girls to learn who will become your tributes for the coming Games. You have never feared the Reaping; why would you, when you know for certainty that you and your family would always be safe? Now, though, your entire frame is wracked with terror. Either Clove’s name is called or she will put herself in. There is no way you win.

The designated representative from the Capitol takes to the stage, and then they reach their hand inside the glass vessel enclosing the names of all the eligible female contestants. The Capitol rep reads out a collection of syllables, and it is not Clove’s. You feel one wave of relief crash into you, and it takes everything in you to stay standing. That’s one possibility eliminated, at least.

You look over at Clove and you feel sick to your stomach, all confidence from before evaporating just as quickly as it came. She’s got that look in her eyes again, and you know what’s coming before she can form a single word. This is how it ends, then. This is how you lose her.

And then, at the very last moment, someone else could volunteer before Clove. The fate of the female tribute from District Two would only be decided because someone else was able to raise their voice faster than your girlfriend. It would be so easy for everyone to brush off the whole affair. It’s what they expect to see, after all. There’s a brilliant Career volunteering, and maybe it wasn’t Clove, but it’s still one of their own.

You, though? You were watching. It would be so simple if Clove just waited. It would have been just a half second’s pause, but it would be enough. No one would know. No one would have known but you. A thousand intricacies in one poorly timed breath, and Clove would stay alive. Easy as that.

But then Clove tugs the other girl down, shoves a hand over her mouth before she can scream, and yells that she will volunteer. This is not your imagination. This is not all the scenarios you can conjure up in your own head. Clove will never back down, and so despite your best attempts, you will never be able to escape this.

Clove is in the aisle before you know what’s going on. She’s marching towards the stage with that determined gaze she’s always worn so well. The Capitol citizen asks Clove her name and she answers, her hand is raised, the crowd cheers. You stare at her in horror, and she grins proudly. This is what she’s always wanted. You knew she would get it.

You find her afterwards. Tributes are allowed to say their goodbyes, and your family knows you enough to make room for you once they tell her to win. Your fingers find holds in her clothes, and you beg Clove to find some way out of this. Say it was a mistake. Say you said the wrong name, that you took the chance from another volunteer. Find some way to come back to me.

Clove would never listen. It’s all in her hands now, and you can see the excitement building in her chest as she thinks about it more. In moments, she will board a train to the Capitol, and then she will win the Games and you will be sorry for doubting her. Clove has dreamed of this while you were dreaming of her death. She knows exactly how this will play out.

Clove leans over to you, says I’m doing this for both of us, and then she’s across the room in the blink of an eye, telling the Peacemakers that she’s ready to go. The last sight of her is the vicious, glimmering girl you’ve always known, and then the doors slam shut behind her and she is yours no more.

You see her die when you’re least expecting it. She made it past the initial bloodbath, past the splitting of the Careers, past all the twists and turns of fate. You honestly thought she would win by that point, even though Cato was still in it. Clove had told you privately once that she would kill any of the other Twos were they to be her fellow tribute, no matter how strong an ally. She would never hesitate, and she would win. You believed her.

Clove doesn’t get the chance to prove herself right or wrong. She dies trying to kill Katniss Everdeen, that revolutionary from District Twelve. Clove was taunting her, taking her time about the kills. It was a mistake, and it haunts you to know that’s what her district will think of her. They won’t remember her bravery for joining the games, they’ll point out that one flaw in her perfect game to their children so the next generation will be even better.

You miss her night and day. You still expect the Capitol trains to bear her back to you when the Games are over, and it takes your brain some convincing to realize that Katniss and Peeta won the Games this round, not your lover. She’s yours no longer. She’s yours forever. Yours and that of the cold, dark earth in which you buried her empty casket. The grass grows over it now, thick and green. You knot your hands in it when the going gets tough and you scream at her for leaving you. She never answers.

It sickens you later, poisoning your mind against everything you’d ever held dear. This was their golden girl, their Clove, and when she died, they all tossed her aside like a bloody rag doll. She gave them everything and they can’t even remember her properly.

Another war comes soon. It brings rebellion to your very doorstep. Soon enough, they find you, and tell you that there are ways to help their cause. If you were not so foolish to admit it, you think you might even be listening.

If you were to do it, you’d do it for her. Clove always taught you to never back down. You think of her, and you enter the fray.

hunger games tag list: @w1shes43, @ilovexavierthrope

#clove #clove imagines #clove x reader #clove oneshot #hunger games #hunger games imagines #hunger games x reader #hunger games oneshot #thg #thg imagines #thg x reader #thg oneshot #hunger games clove #hunger games clove x reader #hunger games clove oneshot

[cherrycelsius]

100 things i L♡VE ABOUT YOU

just a small reminder that you deserve to be loved (cheesy asf i know but shut up) all ur exes can die.

1. you're a fucking nerd. i love that, truly

2. that fat ass, fr ❤️‍🩹

3. and a big brain to match tbh...

4. the way you're so smart and amazing

5. when i ask questions about resident evil or other things that you like and u say u don't wanna wear me out with the lore but explain when i ask anyway

6. the way you're so easily distracted by the little things

7. i be sending you one thing and you'll be replying with something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

8. when you forget the randomest shit but remember something that happened in 2021 🤨

9. one of my favorite moments with you was when we just kept sending each other that one face pic of leon kennedy LMAOOOO

10. the "u hate me" arguments we seem to have every day

11. the way you have me ranked as your #1 favorite ex and u as mine.

12. when i listen to love songs and immediately think of you

13. when u flirt then play it off as a joke in the end like i'm not already folding for u

14. your affinity with character ai even though sometimes u forget to reply to me.

15. when you send SCREENSHOTS of your toe curling blood boiling smut of miguel and leon and luis....

16. when i asked if you'd worship me and u said yes 😇😇😇😇 feeding into my kink and for what

17. that one discord date we had where we read aeon vacation fanfic .. that one's engraved in my brain.

18. the porn links we exchange on discord LMAOOO idk i love that kind of sentimentality..

19. the way there's a literal discord server for your porn links specifically

20. the hours we spend on any sort of platform

21. NO BC ITS the way we forget time exists every time we spend time with each other.

22. seriously i could be watching you play for eight hours and i wouldn't mind in the least bit.

23. i love spending time with you

24. the buzzfeed quiz parties before we were dating and we always got couples... and i took that as a fucking sign BAYBEEE but

25. u thought i was joking every time i flirt with you.....

26. rave dates where we watch those horror shorts

27. THE BF ASMR VIDEOS

28. that one bf asmr where he sounded like david harbour and you were off the rails and giddy as fuck

29. when we watched architectural digest videos.

30. and i asked you if you would fuck me inside of david's bathroom (you said yes obvi

31. when we watched a harry styles x y/n fanfic video and it ended with you skipping and watching a draco malfoy x y/n one instead. jesus christ

32. the edits and reels that YOU send that mostly traumatises me beyond repair

33. the edits i always send you that you always watch

34. when you let me rant about the most bizarre things

35. your obsession with leon kennedy. (why tf do people hate when you obsess over FICTIONAL CHARACTERS GOOD LORD)

36. your obsession with men and women half your age. bc twins

37. that one era you had where you always say "humps" or "rides my phone" fuckinf hell you're a freak.

38. when you say you're bored and i purposefully ask if u wanna do something with me .

39. our goodreads era where you were my only goodreads friend and we read together LMAO

40. the way you read the books i recommend you :(

41. that you fell for me first but i fell harder U down bad bitch, we kinda ate with this he fell first she fell harder trope

42. when we're literally red string theory reincarnated

43. enemies-to-friends-to-lovers-to-enemies-to-lovers ex-best-friend amen

44. the way you'd let me watch you play video games for hours

45. when you sit through barbie movies with me even though you "hate" them.

46. the liminal spaces videos that we watch when we don't know what to watch

47. when you say yes every time i'd ask if you wanted to fuck inside an empty liminal space parking spot

48. honestly you say yes to me asking if you wanna fuck every time so..

49. the way u always say i cheated every time i win in plato games 🙄🙄🙄

50. every time we talk shit about our exes honestly, i love that

51. when we have these moments where we just reminisce about before we were dating

52. and i make fun of you for liking me first and you get flustered but really, you're absolutely adorable

53. the rare times that we play roblox and they're always horror games :P

54. the amount of inside jokes we have jesus christ

55. when we joked about having a child named leonidas jr

56. and then suddenly we have six children as of now... wanna reproduce again?

57. the day we watched breaking bad on discord

58. our spotify sessions where you would YELL at me for accidentally skipping a song that you liked

59. our rave dates starting with bf asmr and ending with liminal space videos

60. and when there was one point where i was in the hospital and YOU PLAYED A HOSPITAL HORROR VIDEO?

61. the way you modeled jamie bower for me even though you thought he was ugly

62. our stranger things era when i was appalled when u asked what was wrong with jancy kissing BC I DIDNT KNOW U LIKED ME THEN

63. when u are literally the luke to my lorelai

64. when we matched as them and it made so much sense

65. every time we'd start being little horny freaks then make fun of each other right after

66. our little "i found a ______ edit" "and you didn't send it to me" moments

67. the edits you send me that you say reminds you of me :(

68. HOTDOGATERIA

69. when you have those dark daddy dom episodes and start typing everything in capitalised letters and call me kitten.

70. the letter stickers we send each other that spell out the most lewd shit like

71. "some of u have the personality of a wet sock and it shows" "you make my sock wet" IDK THAT IS ONE OF MY STRONGEST MEMORIES OF U

72. the insults that turns into sexual innuendos every time we banter.

73. your little perverted dirty jokes

74. when you called me honey one time and i started calling you honey ever since

75. when you add eyebrows to my cat pics

76. the crazy ass text posts or memes you send and go "us"

77. when i'd be threatening your life and you'd say it's hot or moan.

78. the platonic / bff / friend era we have that resurfaces every few months

79. ok 3/4 way through i'm gonna get sappier... when you say you miss me

80. the edit you made me that i watch every day because it's so cute stfu

81. or wanna kiss me i swear it makes my heart flutter stupidly

82. the amount of times where i'd just smile stupidly while thinking of you is so jarring

83. when you asked if you wanted to claim ada and leon with me, and since then, they have been your favourite claim of ours.

84. the "i had a dream where i replied to u" moments >:(

85. when i tell you to sleep because you say you're tired and you say no because you wanna talk to me... do u wanna make me cry or what?

86. every time we have these conversations where we talk about our exes and i subtly hint that i love you very very much. not so subtle.

87. the cutscenes of video games you play that you think we should claim, and they're either absolutely unhinged or romantic.

88. when we claim absolute psychopaths to disney couples to high fantasy characters to furries. our duality fr

89. "i can't impregnate you with cats" LMAO one of my favorite lines from u honestly.

90. the fact that your love language is words of affirmation and coincidentally i like writing things.. soulmatism? i think yes.

91. each and every time you tell me you love me (i keep screenshots ok)

92. the way some days melt into one with you and i end up only talking to you and it feels complete somehow

93. the essay you sent me where you called me a homewrecker 🙄 but i loved it anyway. especially the last paragraph :( fuck you (literally)

94. every time you call me baby or your love plspslsposososo :( it just makes meeeeeeeeee fold

95. you introduced me to your favorite game :( and i and i and i

96. and you let me watch you play and panic around while playing

97. it makes my heart melt that you're comfortable enough to joke around with me :( truly

98. I FEEL SELFISH FOR SAYING THIS but it really makes me happy that you do things with me that you never do with anyone else, idk i feel soecial about it leave me alone.

99. the way there is never a day where you don't make me smile, that you absolutely complete my day, and that you're my absolute favorite person.

100. and lastly, you. i love you. soooo much. never forget that please.

[watchyourdigits]

4 9 10 and 23 for the otp asks? Hier sind kekse.

These are all going to be Evelyn/MacCready-centric because I'm LOCKED IN on those two rn

Long post because brevity is not my strong suit & I got carried away again, as I do with most things.

OTP ask game

4. What do physical trait do they love the most about each other?

MacCready wouldn't openly choose a favorite, but it's definitely her hair. He loves playing with it, and getting to do so means they're in a situation where they can relax and just be. It does as much for him as it does for her. Touch-starved couple things. Also on a monkey-brain bonding type of beat.

As for Evelyn, she loves Mac's eyes and his hands. I think choosing between the two would kill her. He always looks at her so softly, and it makes her feel like she's drowning in him. Disgusting! With his hands, she likes watching them, specifically watching him work with them, but generally as well. It's something of a fascination/fixation for her. Whether he's cleaning his rifle, running his fingers through her hair, or writing something, he's always very gentle about it. To her, his hands are like a breath of fresh air. Like aloe to her burns. Like learning that cotton and thread counts exist after only knowing sand paper and its varying grits. This metaphor is getting weird now sorry, I've been looking at getting new sheets recently lol

9. Do their friends and family like their significant other(s)?

MacCready doesn't have too many friends in the Commonwealth. They're all mostly mutual friends that know/love Evelyn already. Duncan LOVES her, though - he's a very social kid. They have a lot of fun together. Eve will often use a stealth boy while giving him a piggy-back ride so they can scare MacCready. He hates this because he startles easy when his guard is down. He learns to keep an ear out for them when he notices it's gotten a little too quiet, but he hams it up when they do the reveal just to hear them fall into giggle fits. Nothing sounds more like pure bliss to him than that.

As for Shaun, he was very hesitant at first about Mac, but he came around when MacCready introduced him to the world of comic books. They'll sit in a room with a huge spread in front of them and just read together in silence, handing off comics to each other as they finish them. They could discuss them for HOURS on end, too. MacCready is very impressed with Shaun and his interpretations of things and often consults him for his viewpoints on different lore aspects. Shaun is also helping Mac with his grammar/spelling. This leads them to collaborate on various writing projects, with the ultimate goal being to write a comic of their own. Evelyn is in fucking shambles over them both being such huge nerds.

10. Have they had romantic partners before?

Yes and no. MacCready had Lucy, but Evelyn's past partners were all sexual. Except that one time she was married (we all know how that ended *ominous cryogenic crackling sounds, gunshots* smh), but it wasn't really a true relationship despite the legal paperwork. Points for both of them trying though ig.

Side note: Evelyn isn't jealous of Lucy. Sometimes MacCready talks about her and I feel like Evelyn has the potential to be the jealous type, but she's really not. Idk why I feel the need to clarify that because the distinction is important to me: she's more the type to mark her territory tbh

23. Is there top/dom and bottom/sub energy?

Evelyn has the dom energy without a doubt. Day to day, she definitely LOVES having MacCready on a leash and he is more than happy to be dragged around by the scruff of his neck. She gives him head pats as needed for reassurance of course. No one is shocked by this.

(*cracks knuckles* buckle up, we're about to get nsft with it)

The surprise is entirely behind closed doors because they lose a lot of that energy in the bedroom. That, for these two, is a safe space where they escape to the quiet intimacy of one another. THAT'S where their soft sides can freely come out and they can give/receive the comfort they both desperately crave. Not to say they don't get down and freaky with it from time to time (see: below), but their sex life is more like a Hozier song as in it's deeply passionate & there's lots of worship and affirmation/TLC given. Total opposite to their public life, but they deserve to be treated with gentleness.

When they do get freaky with it (drop everything and fuck after clearing out a building of enemies kind of deal), it's usually quick and dirty. The idea that they don't carry those dynamics into the bedroom continues during their more public, fuck nasty stints. They're both pulling each other's hair and biting and scratching, both equally as desperate and domineering. It's mostly fueled by adrenaline, partly by the need to affirm that they're each okay, to basically be like "that was close, don't you dare fucking do that to me again". Plus, they're both oddballs and something about the way they work so seamlessly together and hardly need to communicate really gets the blood pumping/makes them feel really close. Work is very intimate for these two, especially when a job is done right. Fucking after a job is the same as a cigarette after sex to them, with the added bonus of burning off the rest of their adrenaline.

#regg writes #ship: to love is to burn #nsft ish #mostly just some domestic scenarios rattling around in the ole noggin #ask game #regg answers #oc: evelyn

[porcupine-girl]

Update on my covidness. Covidity?

I'm at 4 weeks since I got sick.

I count last Monday, July 25, as the first day I wasn't actually sick anymore, so I was actively sick-sick for like 17 days. But the fatigue has barely let up - I've had a couple good days but they're usually followed by really bad days. I can basically do One Thing a day, such as helping with dinner or going with my husband to the grocery store (which turned out to be a mistake and wore me WAY out, but I hadn't left the house in three weeks and was desperate).

It's especially bad in my arms - some days my legs feel like I could probably take a walk (I haven't dared yet) but doing almost anything with my arms is exhausting. After the trip to the grocery store, where my husband did most of the work, I was reduced to playing games on my iPad one-handed, switching out hands as each one wore out.

So that's where I am now. Four weeks in I'm not sick, but I'm also hardly capable of doing anything. If this happened during the semester IDK what I would do - I have video lectures from when we were remote that I can use, but I couldn't even fucking grade in the state I'm in.

The only thing I can compare it to is when I was undergoing chemo 18 years ago. It feels so much like that sometimes it's creepy. The way I would be doing okay and then suddenly go way downhill in a matter of minutes - that happened the one time I tried to eat at a restaurant. (Our anniversary was while I was still sick-sick, and the kid was at camp for a week so since I wasn't sick-sick last Friday I was like okay I can sit in a booth and eat for an hour. And I did, and was tired but hanging in there, but around the time we ordered dessert I just crashed.)

The arm tiredness is also similar to chemo. The way some days typing or holding a book is too much for my arms, and holding a video game controller in my lap is the best I can do (I have played a LOT of ACNH let me tell you).

Anyhow. In case anyone was wondering. I really hope this lets up a bit before classes start in 2.5 weeks!

A full recap of the past four weeks under the cut:

I think my husband & son picked it up at the July 4 parade, which was a Monday. They got sick Wednesday/Thursday. Thursday night I wasn't quite sick but I felt the way I always do right before I get sick so I knew it was coming.

Friday, July 8 was the first day I was definitely sick, fever and all. (I will note that although 100.4 is technically the "fever" cutoff, my baseline body temp tends to be around 97-97.5 instead of 98.6 so I consider anything above 99 as a fever, and even though my immune system is messed up and I'm sick way more than my husband or kid it's still pretty damn rare for me to get a fever even by that measure.) Saturday my temp got up to like 101.5, when I still had a fever Sunday I tested and was positive for Covid.

At that point I thought to test my sense of smell and realized it was mostly gone. My husband realized that the problems he'd been having since his brief sickness Wednesday/Thursday were all due to covid brain fog.

Monday, July 11 I went to a grocery store clinic and got a positive test there and a prescription for Paxlovid. Took Paxlovid like a good girl for five days, but by the time I was done with it I still had a fever and was still testing positive (I tested 24 hrs after my last dose, so on Saturday July 16). I'm assuming it prevented me from getting worse, at least, but I did NOT have the miraculous "I started feeling better two days into Paxlovid!" experience that I've heard from so many others.

Finally that Sunday, the 17th, my temp dropped below 99 and stayed that way. So I had a fever for about 9-10 days straight. I was still very definitely sick, though. My bones still hurt all the time, my sinuses were a mess, headaches on and off, and I had the general "sick feeling" that is often the only symptom I get. My sense of smell and taste were still off, though smell was at least returning. I finally tested negative on Saturday, July 23 but I was still sick for another day or two.

#pg irl

[dzpenumbra]

6/25/23

It got late again, but here I am. I was pulled into streams today, there were very compelling storylines playing out. It was most of the day, actually.

My whole rhythm was just off today, I don't even really know why. I didn't start my day with yoga. I guess it was the RP that did it. I usually do yoga, then maybe put headphones in and listen to a stream while working out, or listen to music, either or. But today... I just didn't. I think I just fired up a game instead, but none of the games I've been playing have been scratching that itch.

After a little bit, I got back to work on my Zen Garden project. As planned, I tried to use wind to separate the sand from the gravel. I brought my box fan down and tried that, but... somehow it wasn't really strong enough. I'm sure if I left it for a few hours it might've had an effect... but it just wasn't really doing it for me. Then I used a handheld air compressor thing that I got to clean my PC, held about 4 feet away, and that thing fucking worked... but it worked too well.

It separated the gravel and the sand very effectively, but it brought a lot of the sand airborne and out of the cardboard box setup that I made. I tried setting up the box vertically, with the dish in the bottom, so the sand would blow out around the sides, but it still sent big puffs of sand out into the air. So... I really don't know how else to do that, I'd really need to basically encase the whole thing in a plastic bag so the sand doesn't escape... but then I can't damn see. It's a shame because what I was doing was very effective, it was separating the sand from the micro gravel really well. There was just a lot of loss and it was making a mess. So... I started going back to water separation.

Basically, I'm taking the sand/microgravel mixture and putting it in a glass cooking dish, adding a small amount of water and just working it until the water is very muddy looking; full of particles. Then carefully dumping the water into a separate container, then repeating the process until the water is as clean as possible. Then, I wait for the muddy water to settle, and separate the clean water from the sand so it can dry. This produces super-fine sand. And, unfortunately... the process isn't perfect. There's still a lot of fine sand left behind with the gravel that just... isn't being picked up for whatever reason. It takes longer and it's more work, but it's a zero-waste solution.

Later in the night, I realized... my sieves are getting here tomorrow. XD At least they're supposed to be. Those are going to be a godsend for sorting gravel by size. I'm just... not sure what sizes I got. I'm afraid they may be more focused on larger sizes. I don't know if any of them are going to be any smaller than a normal kitchen sifter, which is what I've been using. I'm just not sure where else I can find a finer mesh that still lets shit through. I was debating using coffee filters before, but... I think those are going to be too tight a mesh to even let sand particles through. I wanted to get a flour sifter when I got my groceries delivered, I feel like those have to be finer than normal kitchen sifters... but they didn't have any. So yeah, the sieves are going to be great for sorting the gravel in general, but I might have to keep doing this water separation method too. Idk. But I feel like having super-fine sand creates a very different aesthetic, and I like the whole transformative process of getting from cheap all-purpose sand mix to super-fine sand. I like the problem-solving, the troubleshooting, it's very rewarding.

I did end up doing yoga and working out around midnight, right before cooking dinner. Yoga... I kinda just did a few stretches, honestly. The workout was super intense. It was 3 sets of this circuit - 10 sit-ups, 10 sit-up punches, 10 sit-ups, 10 crunch kicks, 10 sit-up punches, 10 crunch kicks. With a 2 minute break between. It was pretty rough. But I made it through it. I can actually feel myself losing weight, like I can feel it in my skin. And more than that, my muscles are getting much stronger. It's a nice feeling. It's only been a bit over 2 weeks. It's been a lot of work, that's no lie, but I'm surprised how much of a difference so little time has made.

And... that was pretty much my day. Troubleshooting sand stuff, watching really good RP, working out, making fried rice.

Oh, and my bean plants are fucking huge. I woke up and all three were fully sprouted in one container, two in the other. And they're all like 4-6" tall. I'm really gonna have to stay ahead of staking them, I don't wanna get caught off guard with this. Gonna have to go gather some big sticks. The tomato seems to be doing okay, it and the pepper plant have flowers which are starting to bloom. :) That tomato plant is so damn big, it's like... at least 3 feet tall now. It just dwarfs every other plant in the apartment. The baby succulents are coming along very nicely, and more and more little buds are starting to pop up and I'm starting to go "oh shit, what did I get myself into..." But I'll figure it out, they can grow in pretty much anything. My Pothos starters though... They're healthy and all, they look fine, they're just... not really growing. I expected them to grow super fast, considering they're very vine-like. But some don't even really seem to be doing anything but moving their leaves around. The ones that have sprouted are just kinda... going slow. I don't really know what else I can do for them, maybe give them some more light? I don't know, maybe I just had the wrong expectations, maybe they aren't a fast-growing plant. It's not the end of the world either way, I just wanna make sure they're doing okay. The Night-Blooming Jasmine is done with its bloom, it shed all its flowers and is now sprouting new branches like fucking crazy. I'm probably going to have to prune it already just to corral the growth a bit, keep it contained. The orchid seems to just be kinda... hibernating, I guess. It's very healthy; the leaves are in great shape, stems are trimmed and fine, roots are healthy. I've just gotta figure out what to do about this distilled water thing, its roots have a kinda chemical burn look to them on the top and I read that's because of using tap water instead of distilled water. So... I have a plan and setup for distilling water, I just haven't really gotten around to it yet. So... all-in-all... the indoor garden is doing great.

Re-telling my nightmare in my journal last night got me really jumpy and anxious. It was tough to get to sleep for a bit because of it. I got there but it was definitely a bit of a battle. It's always really really tough when you're physically exhausted but your mind really doesn't want to go to bed for fear of the dreams you might have. But I'm pretty sure it was totally okay, and I don't remember having bad dreams, so it worked out.

Okay, enough rambling, I want to do tarot. I actually want to get a tiny bit of ice cream too. It's been super hot today, for some reason, and I just had a craving. I'm just gonna do one scoop instead of the 3 I used to do every night. I'm gonna actually put it in writing that this is not going to be a habit, just a "getting through a tough time on a hot day" thing. Then tarot right after.

Past - Ten of Cups, inverted (Settling down, well-being, a happy family, simple pleasures.  Harmony and joy shared with loved ones.) Present - Knight of Swords, inverted (Clarity from confusion. Rugged, fierce, determined, logical. Deliverer of answers, but frank to a fault.) Future - IV: The Emperor, inverted (A powerful, dominant, strategic and protective figure of great influence and reach.  Symbolically, important changes, a shift in power, new responsibilities or authority. Adjacently symbolizes stability.)

Aww. -_- Inverted Ten of Cups is such a sad card. And it's where we're starting. Ten of Cups is the happy ending, the wife and the kid and the house with the picket fence, running off into the sunset. Inversion here being... I don't know. A missed opportunity? Or something that got (or is getting) in the way?

This is connected to inverted Knight of Swords. I'm honestly not entirely sure. I know I've gotten this before... I know Queen and King of Swords, but for some reason I'm struggling with Page and Knight of Swords. Okay, I looked it up to clarify for myself, which... ironically... is the answer. Knight of Swords is clarity. I want to sorta come up with simple associations to get the gist, but I fear simplifying the symbols too much. As a start, let's try... Page = epiphany, encountering the truth, Knight = clarity, delivering the truth, Queen = facing truth (on both sides), King = living with the truth, leading by example. Again, these symbols are not that simple - as personalities are not as simple as one word - but it's a start to remember them. This Knight is also inverted, so... same deal, something preventing this symbol from manifesting.

And to round out the trio, we have inverted Emperor. A symbol of planning, structure, expansion. Or it can represent a man of great power and reach. I don't often consider cards representing other people much, which I really need to change a bit. Very few people are as isolated as me and can just assume that the cards represent aspects of themselves rather than people around them. With Emperor inverted, we can see the dark sides of conquest, or a bad influence of rulers.

Yeah, so... about that whole "cards representing other people in your life" thing. That can apply to a lot. Some cards are pretty clearly representing... events or moments... or forces of nature... but others are pretty clearly representing personalities. Like... The Tower is clearly not a person; Wheel of Fortune, Three of Wands and Ace of Cups are clearly not people. But the face cards can very clearly represent personality types. The Emperor and Knight of Swords I would definitely include in that.

So, on to connecting the dots here. What got in the way of my happy ending? Was there ever one in the works, honestly? I've had like 2 real relationships... and one was about 6 whole months and she really wasn't that into me and abandoned me twice when I had a fucking blood clot in my shit. The other took my savings, lived in my house without paying rent for 2 years, rented another apartment in the same town while living with me, put us on a "break" to sleep with someone and still to this day never admitted it, and started hooking up with a coworker less than 2 weeks after our 3 year relationship ended. So... if there really was potential for a happy ending with either of those two people? I'm just not seeing it. So... what is getting in-between me and my happy ending? The cards say... --- Oh, before I go further, Ten of Cups isn't just about a romantic ending. It's also just... harmony with loved ones in general. Just putting that in there. --- A blockage between me and this Knight of Swords character. Having clarity, seeing the truth of it all, and being able to act on it all. Which, admittedly is absolutely a problem for me. I often feel naïve, and I let my desire to "be a good guy" overpower my awareness of what's going on around me, and prevent me from getting out of difficult social situations. Now... I don't trust myself enough to be able to discern whether a relationship is toxic or not. I mean... my last "date" was a very recently divorced mother of two who told me she had herpes and recently got out of the psych ward of a hospital (she said for drinking and fighting with her then husband and he didn't feel safe? So he got her sent up?) and she thought a nice first "date" would be to come over to my house and bring 2 full goat skeletons worth of bones for me, because I said on my profile that I was "interested in getting into stone, wood and bone carving". And I didn't screen out any of that. I'd say... the Knight of Swords would be able to see the red flags there, yeah? That's the best I can figure out there. And this somehow results in... what... having a strong domineering presence in my life that's super controlling, possessive and unstable? I mean... that checks out, right?

I'm super tired. This is the best I have for right now. Oooo the bonus placeholder card is a new one, so I wanna do that real quick.

Bonus - Seven of Cups (Wishful thinking, fantasy.  Letting imagination run wild, disregarding key facts.)

I kinda feel like I'm kinda there right now. Like I'm not reading this spread accurately, like it's kinda forced and it's getting super late. So... fuck it. Learning the cards is the most important part of this process right now.

(Rare post-proofreading add-on) Huh. I was really tired and just kinda... dipped out at the end there. And was feeling kinda trauma-reliving self-sabotage-y... And I completely overlooked how the Seven of Cups was... well it's kinda... exactly what I was saying, isn't it? XD Just... disregarding warning signs and idealizing. Which is what I was saying was the exact problem in past relationships, and what my connection with the Knight of Swords would ideally prevent? I just thought that was interesting, I was nodding off so I completely missed it. Alright, off to bed.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

[purplesurveys]

1617

1) What’re your plans for the weekend?  I’ve got an event today, so there’s that. I can’t wait for it to be over; I’m supposed to be dealing with 300 attendees today – literally 10 times as much as I would normally deal with – so with me pushing the extrovert agenda for an additional day in the week, I’m pretty sure I’ll be speeding the fuck back home the moment it’s done.

2) Could you ever be vegetarian - why or why not?  I don’t think so. I wanted to start having a vegan lifestyle in the past; but idk I like certain food too much to completely let go of them. Like sushi.

3) Name a quote from your favorite TV show:  “This is not meth.”

4) What time did you wake up this morning?  I woke up at around 7:50 since I had to be at the dentist by 9 to get braces.

5) What chores do you do around the house?  I mop and sweep the floor daily since it gets very humid in the day, making the floor sticky and gross-ish to walk on; I wash the dishes and fold clothes; then I also do the cleaning-up after the dogs. Not so much ‘around the house’ but I’m also mainly in charge of bringing them to the vet and shouldering the bills.

6) Do you like windchimes, or do they annoy you?  I can live with or without them, but I honestly feel like it would annoy me if heard on a daily basis, lol. I would like having them around the most if I was on vacation somewhere remote. 7) How much sleep do you usually get a night?  Anywhere from 5-7.

8) If you could have any outfit, cost not an issue, what would you get?  I don’t have any outfit ensemble in mind; but I would love some new pairs of shoes. It’s not that mine are on the verge of breaking apart; but it’d be nice to just have a bigger variety to choose from. 9) Do you play any instruments?  I don’t and can’t.

10) What song would you say describes your life right now?  Would probably be more relevant a little later, but Hectic by RM and Colde.

11) Do you have snacks lying around your room?  Yeah, I have a bag of truffle-flavored chips in there.

12) Did you get up to much today? If it’s morning, what are your plans? Yep I’ve already accomplished one errand this morning (getting braces), but I will be very busy in about an hour or so, since my calltime to the event venue is at noon. I’ll be manning registration so it’s gonna be the most socializing out of everyone else in the team bleck. I’m so excited to get back to my bed.

13) What’s your favorite animal to see in the zoo?  None; I usually feel a pang of guilt even when I see animals I would love otherwise, like elephants, eagles, and deer.

14) When do you start back to school or college?  I graduated college three years ago and don’t plan on coming back for a masters or doctoral degree.

15) What other social networking sites are you on?  I’m on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and now Bondee lmfao.

16) What was the best year of your life?  It used to be 2014, but it has since been dethroned by 2021. It would be very hard to top it, too.

17) What plans do you have for the rest of summer?  We don’t have ‘summer.’ We just have hot and very hot.

18) How old is the person you like right now?  I’m not into anyone.  19) Do you get an allowance? How much?  Well no, I’ve been earning my own money since I got a job.

20) What games console is your favorite? What about favorite game?  I’m not a big gamer. I enjoy watching walkthroughs, but I never pick up a console or controller myself.

21) If you could go anywhere right now, where would it be and why?  HOME. Be with the dogs, laze around, watch YouTube. The work week had been pretty busy so I wanted to make the weekend a time for relaxing; but I can’t for half of it.

22) Do your parents nag you a lot? What about? It’s more of just subtle callouts/reminders not to spend as much as I do on K-pop and to be responsible with my money. They’re not as naggy as they used to be.

23) What is there on the walls of your room?  Nothing. When I repainted it last month, I didn’t return the posters and frames on the walls anymore. Nothing but fresh white paint on it now.

24) Is there anyone that just really annoys you?  Sure.

25) What are your plans for tomorrow, anything good?  Aside from our usual Sunday mass, nothing. I hope there’s nothing else that comes up; I didn’t have a weekend last week and now my Saturday is also taken. If tomorrow happens as planned, it would be the first time in like 2 weeks that I can get to spend the weekend at home.

26) If you could wake up tomorrow being able to do one thing perfectly, what would it be?  Dance.

27) You have two wishes to make to help the world, and one can’t be “another wish” or anything similar. What wishes do you make?  Clean water and ample supply of food.

28) Do you reckon world peace is possible or are we just too selfish?  History has shown us time and time again that it isn’t. People are always looking for something to gain.

29) Do you listen to Bright Eyes?  I’m afraid I’ve never heard of them. 30) Are you interested in politics, or do you just not care?  Very interested. Those who choose not to care don’t really sit right with me.

[justfor2am]

2-8, 16, 17, 23, 26, 29, 37, 47, 49, + 50 for the ask game 4 writers or whatever the name is? u rbed it like .5 hours ago i think n i was gna send questions when u originally did but ive had a shit day so i didn't get to until now 😓 don't feel pressured to do them all btw since theres a lot of them!! n also for any of them w specific fics feel free to do whatever fic u want :3

HELLO you are my favorite ever. actually. omg. i hope you feel better soon, i answered all of them btw so i hope this helps

2 not rpf, not beta read, angst, hurt/comfort, yeah that all tracks 100%

3 touching…. big on non-verbal communication acting as whole conversations, big on flowery language (i'm trying to cut back so as to not seem pretentious lol) also scarian. i just wanna write about scarian. they are my everything i must put them into every scenario ever.

4 in 7th Sense how i named all the andriods. scar is GT-2319, numerical code for GTWS. doc, pearl and ren all have similar naming themes lol

5 i'll befriend you in reverse, why the hell is scar stuck in the woods? despite being a powerful fae, he can't leave the enchanted woods, they're like a physical part of himself that has its own sentience and desires. essentially, a deal he made when he was young turned sour, and now the forest follows him everywhere. the woods want scar to live as long as possible, because he's what keeps the woods alive.

6 so soon enough, you'll find you never knew me at all this fic could be seen as a companion to another i wrote, where grian's the second ever Watcher to be "born" and not "chosen". the "void" scar sees in grian? it's a Watcher-side effect.

7 a million dreams for the world we're gonna make, again lmao. this was my first ever HC fic, and i sometimes find myself thinking about that lonely citadel grian's floating on in the middle of the void, akin to a giant bird cage for him to grow up in, alone.

8 It's Never Enough by we are the dirt, i'm really tired rn but i'd be happy to go into why this BANGS if you'd like tmmr

16 idk if you can tell, but i am in fact an enjoyer of actor au!s. give me more, actually.

17 this is a fic i've been TRYING to write but chapter 2 eludes me still: grian's an avian in a world that fears and despises hybrids, he grew up raised by vexes because the rest of his nestmates and mother were slaughtered before he was born, he grows up causing minor problems for human villages to pass the time until he's eventually caught by a trapper, scar. here's chapter one

scar's a vex hybrid himself, but hides it in order to scam his way through life. grian, trapped, is now at the mercy of a mad scientist who, in his desire to quell society's fear of hybrids, wants to dissect him. grian blackmails scar into helping him stay alive and tries to escape, eventually the two finding common ground.

oh, also mumbo's the mad scientist. he makes dioramas of mobs and decorates his lab with them for fun.

23 honestly, a proper superhero au. at least a one shot, but specifically for the romantic tension.

26 no dialogue, easy. honestly i kinda wanna write one with no dialogue just as a challenge.

29 i made a couple of playlists for my actor au, here's some notable songs from grian's and scars':

grian: Don't Assume What You Don't Know by Grace VanderWaal jealousy, jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo You Stupid Bitch by girl in red

scar: SCOOP by Lil Nas X feat. Doja Cat Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High by Arctic Monkeys Boyfriend by Dove Cameron

(again, very sleep, happy to go into more detail later)

37 skeleton is the best fucking fic i've ever written and i will forever stand by that. yes it's short. yes it's a one-shot. please don't let that deter you, it's the best scar characterization i've ever done in my life. read it. please.

47 though i've closed my eyes, i know who you pretend i am is a pair of steel-toed boots. once perfectly shined and polished, a seemingly important royal crest stamped on the outer skin of the tongue, but the silver has seen better days, worn down from exposure to the elements. still, they are well loved, the original, now somewhat ratty laces tied in double knots, a bow on each shoe still low enough to threaten tripping. these shoes are still in continual use, despite being told a fancier pair would be a smarter choice. no, he quite liked these ones, thank you very much.

49 i'm meant to be working on chapter 19 of my actor au, butttt i've not started so have some bullshit i just came up with instead:

The pair had set up rules for a good reason.

"You're staring again."

One of them had a inclination towards a poor memory.

"Is that a crime?"

Grian could only hope Scar would try and remember.

"It's about to be."

50, answering 25 as a cheeky bonus: https://www.onelook.com/ is a GODSEND. the thesaurus page? heavenly.

[got a question?]

#justfor2am #justfor2talks #long post

[hakkais-hoe]

hi hi hi!! I have a request!! I feel like I rarely see tokyo revengers hc’s where the reader isn’t submissive and sweet and is actually kinda aggressive and dominant and lowkey a little bit scary??? Like unpredictable might make them beg for attention and love or might put them in the hospital nobody rly knows 👀 I’m thinking bonten?? Maybe others?? Idk u pick hehehe

TR Boys with an aggressive s/o

Oml yessss I agree there’s never enough dominant reader stuff!!

Hope this is okay :)

You have no idea how fast I went to my notes

This is a long one can’t lie n it was written at 2 in the morning so be warned

Warnings: drug mention, murder, blood, little bit of a graphic description, sexual reference, light emotional abuse/manipulation maybe, lots of swearing from reader.

18+ themes.

Bonten: Mikey, Haitanis, Kakucho, Koko, Sanzu.

Mikey-

* Ngl I hc that you and Mikey met after you picked a fight with Sanzu

* Like he tried to shoot you n you smacked him round the head with the first heavy object you could find

* Mans out cold

* But Mikey saw it happen, ignored his passed out second in command

* Walks over to you n straight up says he wants you

* “Are you deluded you fuckin’ creep?”

* You’re having none of his bullshit getting ready to beat his arse with the object too

* He’s hooked ngl

* He decides to play it off as if he wants you to join Bonten not to be his s/o

* You’re still throwing curses at him n sneering at his offer

* He tells you that you have 2 days to decided nd to meet him back at the place you laid sanzu out

* Cut to 2 days later when he shows up to the area only to see you stood over one bloody body and another one with a lead pipe about to hit his head

* Safe to say you agree as long as you get to do what you want

* Mikey takes you to meet the Bonten executives

* Ran n Rin think you’re “the bees knees” as Ran said cue Rin wanting to unalive him

* Koko thinks you need a therapist

* You scare Mochi he’s like ‘wtf is this demon flinging a knife around for’

* Kaku wants you as far away as possible from him at all times also thinks you’re gonna kill his boss eventually

* Sanzu wants to kill you 🥰

* Takeomi is indifferent as always

* Takes you a good few months to warm up to any of them Koko being the first then the Haitanis

* Mikey practically begs for attention 23/7 (gotta have that extra hour for a snack break ofc)

* He’ll come and stand in your office door until you look at him, which ofc takes a long time for both of you

* He will never make physical contact though

* You eventually get sick of the strange game you’re playing and take matters into your own hands

* You walk into his office one night when you know Sanzu is out

* Mikeys pretending to look through some documents but is actually just swivelling his chair around

* When you walk towards him his eyes track every move you make

* You grab the back of his chair and twist it towards you, leaning over him you grab his chin to angel it up and sneer down at him

* “Did you want some fucking attention? That why you keep bothering me every day? Eh you want my attention, pretty boy?”

* Even depressed mikey.exe has stopped working

* Ghosting your hand down to grip his neck you climb into his lap

* Settling in you lean towards his ear and whisper

* “Better make it worth my effort pretty boy, or I’ll put you in a casket <3”

Ran-

* This man is obsessed form the get-go

* 100% asks you to step on him at some point

* Meets you through a business that the Haitanis own

* He first sees you looking all Smiley a outside a club until some guys hit on you and your friends

* Cue two seconds later when your smile drops and so does one of them men

* He then witnesses the most beautiful person he’s ever seen curb stomp a man until blood is gushing out of his nose and eyebrow

* Proceeds to have you and your friends ushered into the club and you then escorted to a private room where he walks in two minutes later

* You’re sat very relaxed yet your face shows you’re disgust and anger

* Arms crossed tightly over your chest you give him a once over and tsk at his smirk

* “Wipe that look of your face you sack of shit, I ain’t afraid of Bonten or your lanky ass.”

* He’s shocked that you know who he’s with and it shows on his face

* “Are you dumb or something? You’ve got the pissing tattoo right slap bang on the front of your neck like a goddamn calling card. You look like a twat.”

* It’s official he’s in love

* Tells you that he’s sorted everything out and the police won’t be coming for you

* You don’t seem to care remotely tho and don’t even thank him for his effort

* You get up and go to leave but the tall Haitani steps in the way

* “I want you to work for me.”

* You laugh in his face

* Then suddenly he’s eye level with you, his eyes blown wide from the force of your yank on his tie

* “I’ll fucking kill you, you piece of shit. Who said you could get involved in my business I don’t give two fucks what the cops wanna do let em come.”

* Unlike Mikey he doesn’t give you time to decide he just shows up at bothers you for a week after

* You proceed to put him in hospital with a stab wound to the abdomen

* Kudos to the guy tho it just makes him want you more

* He doesn’t beg for attention he demands it

* I mean you did stab him

* He wears down your defences after a few months and manages to get your gremlin ass to go on a date with him

* Where you also threaten to beat the waiter with a chair if he doesn’t get Ran some goddamn sauce for his steak

* “Excuse me, I’m going to marry you ya know, doll?”

* “Tf you are you lanky ass cockroach”

* You terrify Rindo when he meets you for the first time

Rindo-

* Opposite of his big brother

* He thinks you’re a bitch

* Wants nothing to do with you when Mikey and Sanzu introduce you as a new member

* Watches you one two many times beat the ever loving crap out of fully grown men and enjoy it

* Sees when you put Sanzu in hospital with a bullet wound when he pops a pill in your drink

* Starts getting feelings the first time he sees you smile at a kitten though

* Catches himself smiling when you throw a knife at his brothers head (you missed thank god)

* Falls in love when he feels your backs hit together during a fight where you’re both outnumbered by a mile

* He remembers the first time he felt scared of you like it was yesterday

* You’d got so caught up in a fight and ended up beating two men to death

* He had gone to pull you off a third and you’d pinned him down ready to rain blow after blow down

* You got two hits in before Kaku tackled you off him

* Took you about 5 minutes to come back to your senses but by then the dye had been cast

* Rin couldn’t decide if he hated you or loved you for a good few months

* I think you’d have to be the one to come and speak to him first

* He’s one stubborn man

* When you confront him again you were planning to be calm but he pissed you off by ignoring you so you lashed out and screamed at him

* “Who the fuck do you think you’re ignoring Rindo?! Fucking speak to me or I’ll fucking stab you!”

* He’s sick of your bullshit

* “Yeh? You wanna stab me bitch? Go right ahead, can’t believe I fuckin love you, crazy little monster.”

* He just leans back in his chair and unbuttons his suit jacket, links his hands behind his head, crosses his legs and smirks at your shocked face

* Leaves you silent for once

* You stalk over to him

* Stab your knife into his desk

* And practically throw yourself into his lap before grinning and wrapping your hands around his neck

* “I’m definitely going to kill you eventually. <3”

* “Yeh yeh sure you are, crazy.”

Kaku-

* This man has the patience of a saint he dealt with Izana and South for Christ sake

* He gives you free reign of whatever you want

* You wanna beat someone up? Go right ahead darling he’ll watch

* You want to turn your snake tongue on him? Sure he’ll just act interest and ignore it anyway

* You want to actually fight him tho? Definitely not he’ll never raise a hand to you, you’ll be pinned before you can land one

* Doesn’t remember how he met you he just knows you were there one day nd you haven’t left since

* He fell for you when he saw you crouched next to a hurt child trying to comfort them even though you looked constipated and uncomfortable

* Approaches you a lot calmer than the others

* You’re definitely confused when there’s a constant looming shadow standing over you

* You could even be fighting and this guys stood right behind you watching and intimidating your opponent

* “Uh do you mind pissin off you overgrown spaghetti noodle.”

* He’s like tf I’m just looking out for you

* Proceeds to knock your opponent out in one blow

* You’re having none of this shit

* “Do you need some sense knocking into you motherfucker? That was mine get away you- you… just fuck off will you!”

* His unwavering stare definitely flusters you a bit

* Does this stop you from going to hit him? Definitely not

* He catches your fist mid air and pulls it above your head

* “Stop it y/n. I’m looking out for you it’s my job.”

* You have no dominance over this man can’t change my mind on this

* Even you glaring daggers at him doesn’t work

* A glare that has even the Haitanis looking uncomfortable

* Nothing you’re angry little self does bothers him

* He likes to pat your head when you do something well

* He definitely works on making you start to rely on him

* You have no idea how you ended up in his apartment me day but hey here you are

* Waking up in Kakuchos bed was not on your agenda today

* You try to sneak out but he’s in the kitchen

* “Don’t run away little one. Nothing happened I just put you to bed.”

* You find out someone tried to kill you because of a grudge

* Kaku found you before they could really do any damage

* Don’t ask what happened to them he won’t tell you ever

* He ‘handled it’ that’s all you need to know

* “You know I’ll alway be at your back, y/n. But I want to be selfish right now, please only look at me.”

* Stfu pretty boy

* “No. I wanted to tell you first, take it back!”

* You’ve successfully confused the man

* He’s like tf you want me to take back my confession so you can confess first?

* No

* Cue n argument that ends in you tackling him to the ground

* Y/n: 0 Kaku:1

* You’re dumb if you think this man didn’t want you pinning him to the ground

* “Okay tell me you love me then,little one.”

* “I- who’s said anything about that? I’m saying you’re mine. Don’t look at anyone other than me, Kakucho.”

Kokonoi-

* No <3

* He wants absolutely nothing to do with the feral gremlin that the Haitanis brought along

* Looks down his nose at you for a while ngl

* That is until you jump into a fight to help him

* Your “Get your fucking hands off him!” Gets all of his attention

* He was so sure he’d never be interested in anyone after Akane but here you are

* He wants all your attention now

* Shows up with random gifts claiming he had to buy it to get money off his other purchase

* Like ofc Koko those custom nuckle dusters definitely got you money off your new Armani suit didn’t they

* You better use them

* Cocky little shit will tell everyone in Bonten

* “You see those new toys they have? I get them cost me xxxx amount.”

* Likes to rest his arm behind your chair at Bonten meetings

* Ofc you’re made to sit with him now not the Haitanis

* Hates seeing you around Sanzu after your two had an altercation

* You confront him one day

* With Koko pinned against the wall in front of you knife at his throat

* He’s still smirking at you though

* “What the ever loving fuck do you think you’re doing Hajime? You tryna get me to hurt you? I will ya know stop buying me shit and stop bothering me. You got something to say then say it, bitch!”

* So aggressive

* He lives for it

* Kinda wants you to hit him he can’t lie

* Masochist at heart

* “Sure sweetheart I have something to say. What size is your ring finger? What size diamond do you want?”

* Sir I think you’ve skipped a few chapters

* “Hmm I want the most expensive one you can find.”

* “Done.”

* Like no they don’t actually mean it silly man

* “Koko? Can you like stop for two fuckin seconds. I’m not marrying you, haven’t even taken me on a fuckin date.”

* Cue the two of you sat at the best restaurant he owns *ahem* “knows”

* One of the waitresses that takes your orders keeps batting her basic ass lashes at Koko right in front of you

* “Bitch are you fucking blind? Want me to cut your eyelids off so you can see better? I’ll fuck you up if you keep staring at my man. Get the fuck away.”

* Proud boy moment

* He’s grinning at you

* Turns to the bitch and literally shoos her away

* “You heard my darling get your basic ass away from us.”

* He’s a cocky little shit for the next few weeks

* Insists on matching outfits

* So fucking pricey

* Also buys you a necklace with his name encrusted in diamonds

* This is now the most expensive thing you own

* You have to wear it or he’ll probably throw a silent hissy fit

* “Koko if you ever look at anyone else I’ll peel your skin off with a cheese grater <3”

* This man is so quick to be like ‘okay baby. Anything you want’

* Sanzu thinks it’s hilarious

* “I still need to know what ring you want angel.”

Sanzu-

* Doesn’t even notice you’re scaring people

* Thinks you’re great

* Makes you go on missions with him 24/7

* Takes Mikey telling him that you’re way too aggressive for him to realise

* Does this make him want to get rid of you? Hell no

* He starts watching you a lot more

* He enjoys letting you take control of interrogations just so he can see you in your element

* King of hype

* “Yesss baby you pull that guys nails! Ooo good hit y/n/n~ You look so pretty covered in blood.”

* Freaks you out at first so instead of getting aggressive with the drugged up man with a gun you avoid him

* Well you try

* He pops up wherever you go

* He definitely begs for attention

* “Y/nnn look at meeee. Babyyyy I got us matching knives, yours has my name on it and mine has yours!!”

* Way too excited

* You’re pretty sure he already thinks your dating

* Kicks up a massive fuss when he hears you’re going on a mission with Rindou

* Poor baby just wants to go with you

* Personally think he’s the type to sit on the floor next your chair ,if you’re sat at sofas instead of the meeting table, and lay his head in your lap for attention when you get back

* He wants to make random physical contact with you

* Plays with your hands when you try to hit him

* Let’s you hit him sometimes

* Tbh I think if you’re ever physically fighting and he manages to pin your wiggling body he will bite you no lie

* This dude seems feral enough to just bite randomly

* Stuns you for a minute

* You end up head butting him which actually nocks him out for a bit

* (Might as well have a head like Tanjiro)

* When he wakes up and sees you sat next him shouting down the phone at someone he just mutters

* “I’m so obsessed with your pretty ass. So sexy.”

* Sir stfu not the time

* You just glare at him and carry on your argument

* He just grins back and reaches his hand out to stroke your kneecap

* You end up throwing your phone at the wall in frustration

* “I hate your psycho ass Sanzu, but if you’re mine then you’re mine alone I’ll kill anyone that looks at you.”

* “Ditto baby <3”

#tokyo revengers kokonoi #Tokyo revengers #koko x reader #sanzu haruchiyo #sanzu x y/n #tokyo revengers imagines #kakucho x reader #hajime kokonoi #mikey sano #mikey x you #mikey tokyo revengers #haitani brothers #haitani ran x reader #haitani rindou x reader #rindo headcanons #ran haitani #ran haitani x reader #kakucho hitto #kakucho x you #sanzu x reader #tokyo revengers headcanons #bonten #kokonoi fluff #tokyo revengers fluff #mikey x reader #manjiro sano

[casnextdoor]

30 questions Game!

i was tagged by the lovely @oasiswithmyg 💕

1. Name/Nickname; my Name is Casaandra but please please i am begging you .,, call me cas .

2. Star Sign; I am a pisces .

3. Height; 5’4

4. Birthday; February

5. favorite band; i got quite a few.,, BTS GOT7, Stray Kidz, Chase Atlantic, at one point i was a HUGE seventeen and blackpink stan .,, not so much anymore.,, odd future if you consider them a band .,, and Ateez

6. favorite solo artist; lemme preface by saying,,, separate the art from the artist . that being said ,,, im really into brent faiyaz, H.E.R, tyler, the creator, frank ocean, sza, partynextdoor.., summer walker.,, daniel ceasar.,, kali uchis.,, joey Bada$$ , joji.,, clairo, miguel… i feel like you can see where this is going . very versatile when it comes to todays music .

7. time; 2:56 pm

8. Song stuck in my head; Friends by Chase Atlantic for some reason and The Need To Know by SZA

9. Last movie i watched; the bee movie .,, idk why either but i put it on to fall asleep and then i got kinda intrigued because when i first seen it .,, i hated it … but it was kinda … inch resting

10. free space; Im allergic to peanut butter and shell fish .,, but i love them . so i always keep an epipen and Benadryl on me .

11. Last show i watched; Manifest ., and i rewatched naruto and my hero

12. When was this blog created; Okay so this one .,, i created last … august i think . but i had one before this and .,, yeah .

13. what i post; bullshit .

14. last think i googled; pinkpantheress. they are an interesting artist and i like their music.

15. other blog .,, i got one but its more of a personal situation .,, if u find it .,, thats cool too

16. do i get asks; not a lot but yes .,, mostly becuz my wife really likes to give me writing prompts to get my mind working .,,

17. why did i choose my url; originally it was brattybae00; and that’s because when i was younger and i did have a semi good relationship with my father; he lovingly (i think) use to call me brat . for context an often used sentence would be “what do you want for dinner, brat? I was thinking pizza.” i changed it because i haven’t gotten along with my dad in years and the name kinda soured over time,, and i had nothing else to use for tumblr . now it casnextdoor because 1) i love partynextdoor’s music.,, and because its very average . something someone wouldn’t really think twice about .

18. following; i follow 87 people .,, i am N O T naming every single one of them .

19. followers; im almost at 100 which FUCKING COOL ! but yeah .,,

20. i dont really sleep at night . but on a good day maybe 6 hours . on a bad day not at all .

21. lucky number.,, 3. and ill explain just a bit . im 3rd born out of all 6 of my siblings (dont ask😕) the letter in my name is the third letter of the alphabet and because three alwats seems to pop up everywhere for me .

22. instruments; saxaphone . not explaining further .

23. what am i wearing; my work shirt and my roommates boxers .

24. a fucking BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS !! growing up i watch A LOTTTTT of criminal minds which is kinda how i picked my major . because i wanna meet the garcia to my derek . thats a joke .

25. favorite food; store bought ramen and anything that can be eaten with Nutella and taste good .

26. tea or coffee; depends on the day .

27. Nationality; i feel like thats different from race so specifically.,, i am hispanic and haitian .

28. favorite song; My time by Jk ..,, Mic Drop by BTS.,, paper hearts by tori kelly, OHMAMI by Chase Atlantic .

29. Last Book I read; Paper Towns by John Green ; i sincerely love that mans work

30. top 3 fictional universes id want to live in; Harry Potter because why not.,, twilight because someone gotta slap sense into bella.,, haikyuu because bokuto🥺

tagging my love @jaysdimples

[opaljm]

get to know me game — ♡

tagged by: @hantaev & @xiaokoo 

tagging: @chateautae @jamaisjoons @kimtaehyunq @kookdiaries @namkive @yoonia @writtenwhalien @mercurygguk @diorkim 

lowkey regret doing this because i didn’t realize it was almost 50 questions lmao. i know i tagged you but i understand if you don’t want to take on such a huge task lol 

1. when is your birthday?

march 8th

2. what is your favorite color?

dusty pink, muted green, icy gray

3. what is your lucky number?

2, 7, 14, and 28

4. how tall are you?

167-168 cm / 5'6

5. how many pairs of shoes do you own?

too many to count and i dont even know where most of them are since i havent had too many opportunities to dress up or go out during the pandemic

6. favorite song?

excuse me??? that's impossible but my favorite bts songs are heartbeat and spring day

7. favorite movie?

im gonna say legally blonde because I've willingly rewatched it countless times

8. what would be your ideal partner?

a 5'9 man who was born in october 1995 who loves to sing and dance and is part of the globally acclaimed boy band bts whose name is park jimin 😂😂😂

9. do you want children?

depends on the day tbh if i see a spoiled bratty child I suddenly become a children anti... if i see jimin fawning over an infant suddenly my ovaries are tingling 😫

10. have you gotten in trouble with the law?

😏

11. what color socks are you wearing?

i am barefoot like taehyung rn lol

12. bath or shower?

shower ; baths sound heavenly but i dont like it lmao

13. favorite kind of music?

r&b, pop, rap

14. how many pillows do you sleep on?

one and the second pillow is just there because my bed is a queen but i dont use it.

15. what position to you sleep in?

on my back, slanted diagonally on the bed with my arms eagle spread. good thing i sleep alone cuz i leave no room for anyone else lmaoo 😌

16. what don't you like when you're sleeping?

okay first of all, all the sleeping questions are approaching creepy territory now 🤨🤨 lights, loud noises, heat. I'm a light sleeper so...

17. what do you eat for breakfast?

coffee with hazelnut creamer if i have to make it myself or an iced white chocolate mocha if im buying + a baked good

18. have you ever tried archery?

nope!

19. what are your favorite fruits?

🥭 🍒 🥒 (i think it’s a fruit)

20. favorite swear word?

i dont have favorites but i think i say shit damn and fuck the most

21. do you have any scars?

so manyyyy 😭😭

22. are you a good liar?

depends on the situation because sometimes I can't stop laughing 😢

23. what is your personality type?

istj 💀💀💀

24. what is your favorite type of girl?

me cuz im the best 😌😍

25. right or left handed?

left dominant + ambidextrous 😌😌

26. favorite food?

korean fried chicken, hot cheetos, dumplings, pasta alfredo

27. are you clean or messy?

almost alarmingly clean and well organized ☺️ i cant stand messes it makes me break out in hives

28. favorite foreign food?

chinese & thai!!

29. how long does it take you to get ready?

10 minutes unless i do my makeup... then its around an hour

30. most used phrase?

what the fuck & i love taehyung lol 

31. are you a good singer?

I actually have trauma about this question so im gonna skip.

32. do you sing to yourself?

i talk to myself 🥲

33. biggest fear?

giant versions of animals (including bugs) and also giant animala

34. do you like short of long hair?

short

35. are you into gossip?

i mean... if the tea is hot yes but nothing malicious and i only like it if its like people i dont know or care about example: gossip girl (it's entirely fake so i vibe with the drama there)

36. extrovert or introvert?

ambivert that turned into an introvert over the pandemic

37. favorite school subject?

chemistry

38. what makes you nervous?

exams induce anxiety in me like none other!!

39. who was your first real crush?

my guy best friend in high school but there was a huge fallout 🤐

40. how many piercings do you have?

two on my ears cuz my mom is annoying gonna get more when i move out to ears

41. how fast can you run?

my fastest mile time was under 8 minutes

42. what makes you angry?

so many things 😭😭😭😭😫

43. do you like your own name?

of course!

44. what are your weaknesses?

temper, doesn't care enough/get jealous

45. what are your strengths?

outspoken, good leader, communication

46. what color is your bed spread?

white with patterned circles of different shades of blue and gray

47. what color is your room?

dusty rose or mauve idk

#tag game #about naia

[dzpenumbra]

5/8/23

Not the most eventful day, to be honest. I slept decently well. I think I got woken up once or twice by neighbors but got back to sleep okay. Oddly enough, ever since I ditched the earplugs I've been sleeping better. Maybe they were messing with me, idk. So much for trying to like... take preventative measures to practice sleep hygiene. The whole point of doing the earplugs was to get better sleep. I expected this massive night-and-day difference because I was finally getting undisturbed sleep, but naw... it somehow made it worse.

It's been a pretty cool week to be an insomniac, the moonset and sunrise have been syncing up, so I get to look out the window from bed and see the pale blue of morning start to soak the sky as the moon grows larger and yellow on its way down. Very picturesque, very memorable.

So yeah, again... not too much today. I had some dreams about my ex last night. Not my most recent ex (who I broke up with in 2018...), thank god... those dreams are rarely good... But my ex from college, actually. --- There's a duck quacking outside my window... at this hour, that's... not often a good sign... best of luck, buddy. --- After studying my dreams this long, I've started learning a lot of how my subconscious expresses itself symbolically. Despite the brevity of the relationship (that one was only about 8 months) and how... kinda horribly it ended... that relationship usually represents... idealism in a relationship, to me. At a subconscious level, at least. Because the experience of that relationship, for me at the time, was pure idealism. It was "I am so insanely lucky and blessed to have this opportunity". So, despite the blindness that came with that at the time... that's typically what she represents when she pops up in a dream. The focus of an ideal relationship or an ideal partner, even though the girl herself wasn't that in real life at all.

I wish I thought to record the dream, I've started to notice that I don't often journal the "normal" ones or the "good" ones as often as the "surreal" and "bad" ones. But, from my almost empty recollection, it was mostly just like... normal relationship stuff. Going and doing stuff in the world, buying things for the apartment, stuff like that. I remember it feeling very... normal. And that inspired me to hop on the dating app the second I woke up. And I went through everyone available, swiped a few that looked like we might mesh well, and... nothing came of it. As usual. 3 years of this, you think I'd learn by now not to get my hopes up with that.

I'm sure that was on my mind because I was watching a stream last night where the streamer was playing an FMV dating game, and one of the dates in the game was... a bit too close to my current identity. I mean, if you subtracted the kombucha, the veganism, the parents in political office, and the activism... and swapped genders... it wasn't far off from me. And there's one line from it that hit me pretty hard. This chick ran her own business making customized clothing and crafts and stuff, and the guy - on the first date - asked "wow, are you really making enough to do that full-time?" And that just... it's still stuck with me. That's a big insecurity and I have gotten a shit ton of judgment from former "friends" for it. I still don't like telling people what I do for work because of it. What helped me ground myself? The fact that the guy scoffing and rolling his eyes at a practical business like that... plays video games for a living on Twitch.

You can fucking scoff at any job, honestly. You really can, if you really try hard enough. "You answer phones for a living? That doesn't sound hard." "You pick up peoples' garbage? Why don't you just get a better job?" But creatives get shit on the hardest. Because people who have spent fuck-all time actually applying themselves to performative or expressive crafts, who wouldn't set foot on stage or put their art on a wall in front of an audience if you had a loaded gun to their head, just kinda feel like that person is "cheating at life" or something. It's like... if you love what you do, suddenly that means it's not hard... or demanding... or you don't deserve to be compensated for your labor or something. It's mind-blowing. I honestly don't get it. Starting your own cottage industry shop and pursuing your lifelong passion is like... the epitome of the American dream, isn't it? The whole "Land of Opportunity" thing? And yet... these people don't see your career as legitimate unless you're working... for someone else. Unless you're on someone else's payroll. It's very odd. Maybe that's just what they see as the definition of success, maybe they can't even process a freelance or business owner kind of thing. Idk. I've just had my head poisoned by that shit for well over a decade and a half and it sabotaged my future many times, and now I'm looking down the barrel of 37... and I'm just...

Okay, my thoughts are going too fast to keep up with so let me connect a bit here. I drew another ink drawing today - a big chunk of one, at least. I drew until my thumb ached to the bone, until I could feel the tendons in my forearm tight as guitar strings and straining, rubbing against the skin from underneath. I drew for close to 4 hours straight with a pee break and a break to get a banana and come right back. When I'm in the zone, I work until I can't anymore. And then I do more. I don't need money to motivate me to do it. I don't need fame or fortune or sex or drugs. I do it because it's what I'm here to do. And I have dedicated my life to putting as much of my life into that purpose as I possibly can. So... when I have people near me... who are supposed to be in a supportive position... instead of like... helping me connect with others who appreciate what I do, who benefit from my work, who see its importance, who value and support my work and its continued creation.... Instead, these people.. for years... convinced me that my time and efforts, were better suited laboring for someone else. At very least, the majority of my time and labor should be dedicated to someone else. And it really doesn't matter who benefits from it, or what I'm doing. Just literally anything else than what I do. Great support, yeah?

So... yeah, I'm still reeling a bit. That's a raw nerve for me. I took the leap of faith to finally embrace the title of artist again like... 4 years ago? And I'm still plunging. It's scary as shit to dedicate yourself fully to something that people actively tell you will not succeed. That takes a lot of faith. But for me... I mean... What the fuck else am I going to do?! It's what I'm wired to do! It's how I'm wired to function. I swear, I just need someone who knows like... social shit. Networking, gallery connections (?), community connections, shit like that. I'm just no good at that shit. I came from a family that considered their clients their "friends" and their idea of going out and socializing was going out to the same restaurant and ordering the same food and small-talking with the waitress for like 5 minutes while ordering food, while me and my brothers just sat there awkwardly... We barely even went on vacations and shit. I can do social shit, but it takes a lot of oomph and I really have to be in the right headspace. But good fucking lord, it would be so much easier if I had someone in my life who was willing to do that for me, who it actually did come naturally to - or at least... with me.

Ugh, I didn't want to get into that tonight. I did a good job of keeping the stitches in that wound last night, I guess it worked its way out now. My family and "friends" did a fucking number on me with that one. And yeah, I guess slaving away on this drawing for... nothing... nothing more than just another doodle in a notebook... It makes me feel really unvalued. And really unappreciated. And that hurts so bad, because I love doing this work so much, and I really feel like it is worth something. Like the decade and a half I've put into this work is worth supporting. Like this life is one that others can benefit from. But no one really seems to want to. They'd rather go to a "professional", or someone with 2k 5-star ratings, or buy something a computer made, or get an AI to make a cheap imitation for them.

Aaaaaand I'm cutting off this existential crisis right here. A big part of this is the void created when I finish a project. That void being filled with my only work today being a sketch, which... was actually really cool... but just... doesn't feel like it's going to help me get my rent paid. And that, combined with the thousands of chat reactions to a character from the stream last night, it just... it's tinder and a spark. But it's gonna take more than that to stop me. Sorry.

I don't know if I have any good vibes to end this with, honestly, though I could really use them right now. ... I'm overdue for a trip out into the world, honestly. I should go for a walk. Or, better yet, go take my electric board and go skating or something. Wow, I just have a ton of really anxious thoughts swirling around in my head right now... Like "I just don't want to go alone", and "I don't feel safe", shit like that. Over going skating on a sunny Monday. Welcome to trauma and severe anxiety, and depression. Yay.

Okay, well here's something, fuck it. I applied for the new RP server. I'm going to get declined, I guarantee it. Not dooming, I say that because people who have been RPing for years and have a video resume to back it up and paid to have their applications reviewed first? They are getting declined. So... I'm most likely not getting in. But I applied. And I barely felt anxious doing so, so that's a good step. And I didn't feel anxious on the dating app either, which is also good. So, there's some good vibes there. It's frustrating how quickly I can spiral with this shit, and how little it takes to tear apart the seams, but... I'm handling it much better than I used to. The thoughts swirl and poke through, but they don't overwhelm as much, it's not as visceral and emotional, it's just like... loud and overwhelming. But I can put it aside a bit better than I used to, and that's great progress.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness