#i was frustrated with that phrase for reasons I've since forgotten

[quicksilverdrabbles]

Inside Riften Jail

Morana: I suppose it's possible we've met before. I did contract Witbane relatively recently so I could have forgotten about you. That happens sometimes.

Inigo: Your case of Witbane was so severe you'd forget an entire person?

Morana: That tends to be the case with me, yes. I'm more vulnerable to diseases than an average mer.

Kaidan: *reading her notebook over her shoulder* ... You're a mer?

Morana: Yes.

Kaidan: I see. You haven't had Witbane since you've saved me, though.

Morana: I've had quite a few illnesses since meeting you.

Kaidan: You didn't tell me?

Morana: You never asked. And besides, while my symptoms are severe, I can get over any standard illness relatively quickly, assuming I drink one of my potions. As a whole, however, I am always sick. Every day of my life.

Inigo: That is.. A very sad reality for you, my friend.

Morana: *stops writing in her notebook, staring at Inigo. His ears perk as he listens to her quietly whisper, the mask muffling the noise to average hearing* ... I hadn't ever seen my life as sad.

Inigo: Have you never craved a lack of pain in your life?

Morana: ?! *she tightens her grip on her pen and writes quickly* How did you hear that?!

Inigo: Hehehe. My sense of hearing is much better than most, my friend. It is similar to how I hear Mr. Dragonfly.

Kaidan: You heard her speak?!

Morana: *tilting her head* ... I suppose I don't know what my life was like before I became sick. Every day I can remember I've been riddled with fever from Ataxia or soreness from Rockjoint, or... *she pauses, her shoulders hunching as if she was remembering something painful. Eventually, she crosses out the 'or'* After a while, these pains never truly go away. They are merely dulled for a moment, until it flares again.

Inigo: I see.. Maybe we could-

Morana: *flipping to an older page in her notebook. The lettering is worn, as if she had returned to it multiple times.* There is no cure for me.

Kaidan: I doubt that. You just haven't found it yet.

Morana: *she shakes her head, her body language coming off as frustrated.* Forget it. Inigo, I won't kill you. Come and fight with us.

-

Kaidan: How come you don't speak to me?

Morana: You have no reason to feel offended. I didn't know Inigo would hear me. I speak relatively often, both with my voice and my hands. The mask hides my voice, and you don't understand my hands.

Kaidan: I would like to.

Morana: I'm afraid I'm not a very good teacher.

Kaidan: ... Remind me again why you won't take the mask off?

Morana: *she starts writing, stopping and crossing out her words several times before settling on a phrase.* Many people are afraid of- think I'm of the Afflicted when they see my face riddled with illness. And besides, I'm.. ugly- Not very nice to look at. I apologize for being difficult please don't be mad- if the mask makes you uncomfortable.

Kaidan: *he squints at the crossed out lines, unable to make them out* .. I'm getting used to it. If it makes you more comfortable then don't you worry your head about it none, alright?

Morana: ... Alright. *she sighs and tucks her notebook away*

#skyrim #tes #the elder scrolls #modded skyrim #dragonborn #ldb oc #kaidan skyrim #inigo skyrim #Morana #Morana oc

[pixelzombie]

ghost academia, digital ectoplasm, somehow always in the library, never speaking to the other students, an apparition in the back corner of the classroom absorbing every word like a sponge, ignoring everything for the study, ignoring everyone. I do wonder, though, if this will heal me to such a degree that I am actually sociable again. I wonder if I could be myself in public, be unafraid of the people around me, trust that it's rare for someone to want to hurt others the way I assume everyone does. I don't. God, I've actually forgotten about the tea I made. It's still warm. I wasn't able to finish that paperwork because there are so many technical difficulties. I detest depending on people and being connected to people who are regarded as my authority. Taking such issue with authority is not something I'm proud of, but I've come to stop blaming myself for that. Now, I know it's a reasonable mistrust. Maybe not reasonable in the moment, but of reasonable origins. The only people I seem to earnestly connect with are a couple of my brothers and sisters. Some of them are estranged, but some of them are deeply relatable and since I am going off to college I will be leaving them soon. I felt horribly sad about this today and ended up crying in front of them twice. They are a good bit younger than me, so I felt embarrassed and frustrated with myself for wasting the time we had together on a temper tantrum. I know that having emotions is not a "temper tantrum" and that phrase alone doesn't really mean much even in the most relevant context. What I mean to say is that I wish I would've spent the time appreciating what we had left instead, and perhaps making their last moments with me for a while more memorable. It was doubly frustrating when I finally pulled myself out of the grief stupor and managed to pool them up to go have fun, but got a call right when we were prepared telling me they were supposed to be home this morning. I was crushed, and so were they. It didn't make sense, because we thought we covered all our bases but evidently there had not only been miscommunications, but misdirection as well. So, our time was cut short. I plan to drop by tomorrow after work. I have work from 8am tomorrow to 1pm, so that gives me ample time to hand out with them for the Friday afternoon, assuming they have nothing special planned.

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Decided to try the ballet class again and actually made it through the entire session this time! 😄✌🏾

Truthfully though, I am struggling....and I don't mean physically (though that IS another annoyance and a big reason I couldn't finish last time). It's mostly mental though.

A big part of it is concentration and memorizing the moves, which has always been an issue when it came to me and ballet, but the older I've gotten the worse it has become. (And yes. Even when I started up again in my early 20s, it had gotten a LOT worse.....and in everything; not just ballet. So it's not something I can simply chalk up to age.) I don't know why, but it's like when she's explaining things and giving advice, it's like my mind just kind of blanks out completely. I can't even say it's wandering because there's nothing else on it besides how I'm trying to listen and it's just like my brain isn't processing any of it. :/

I saw a post on Reddit once and someone mentioned Brain Fog as a symptom of mental illness, you never hear about. And I know if it sounds cliche' these days, but honestly.....I felt so seen. And not alone. And not.....dumb.

A huge huge insecurity of mine is appearing stupid. I know for a fact that I'm not (in fact, when the [redacted] cult tried to recruit me, they mentioned my high IQ). But as a teen, I started getting depersonalization really badly, where I just always felt like I was in a dream. After my grandmother passed away, it's like my mind had woken up or came back to reality, but now it was in a constant fog.....a fog that's continued to day and has only gotten thicker. A fog where I forgot basic grammar and math rules, even though I legitimately used them everyday. A fog that causes me to stutter and forget words while speaking (why I've always preferred writing to speaking). A fog that straight up made me forget how talk a couple of times (and no that's not an exaggeration....I literally could not form words. A fog that got so thick to the point where a few years, I literally could not form thoughts.... something I still haven't fully recovered from.

Sorry. I went kind of on a tangent there....but it's so frustrating that this constant Brain Fog is keeping me from doing the things I love; not just dance, but drawing. Writing. Crafting... And I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know the cause, if I'm being completely honest. I've wracked my brain trying to at least get to the root of why, so that MAYBE healing is possible, but....

Another big factor is just my frustration in myself. I'm not an absolute beginner in ballet, but I've felt that way ever since I've started taking ballet as an adult. My teacher would go through simple steps and phrases and I just felt like a moron because I'd either forgotten what they were or just couldn't find them in my brain at all.

I know in reality, I've only done three years of ballet....and even that's pushing it...

It was an elective class (in place of PE) at my middle schools. 30 minutes to an hour a day, sometimes 5 days a week....sometimes only 3. And we never stayed on ballet long (maybe a month and half each school year) because my classmates were more interested in modern/hip-hop. So in truth, those three years, I was not properly trained to say I am knowledgeable in ballet.

I know that logically.

However, my Perfectionist nature hinders me as always....because I feel like I don't even know the basics. Because I feel like I should be able to get through a beginner class with no issue. Because everytime I make a mistake, my mind screams at me "This isn't hard! Why don't you know this?! It's a fucking plie'! You should know how to properly do one by now! You could do this a decade ago with no problem! What the actual fuck?!"

So, I get frustrated and immediately want to quit. (Have always been someone who would rather not try, than to try and fail. Like literally if I thought I would fail a test in highschool, I literally would just not even try and accept a flat 0 than to try and fail.)

And then also, I'm frustrated with myself because I'm over 30 and should be above all of this. It's like I'm going backwards in life. Even as a kid I understood that perfection wasn't a thing, in art, beauty, or anything else. And though I had my moments (such as having a full crying fit the first time I got a B on a PROGRESS REPORT), I've definitely gotten worse.

Besides my stomach (which though self conscious, I still fully accepted), I've never given a damn about my looks or what others thought of it. Now it's constantly on my mind.

I used to draw and draw and didn't give a damn because I liked doing it. Now, I'm terrified to even pick up a pencil because I know it's not going to be what I picture in my head.....and I'm just going to fuck up the perspective. Or the coloring. Or not get the pose exactly right. Or....

I'm just so sick of letting fear and brain fog holding me back from my creativity. I miss moving and creating. Doesn't have to be perfect. Doesn't have to get a ton of likes or comments. I just miss doing things. And with dance.....it used to be the one thing I could do where I legitimately didn't care about my body size or how I looked. I would dance randomly in the grocery.

I just want to get back to being that person.

*sigh* This wasn't where I was intended this blog post to go... (Word vomit, I suppose.)

......my point doesn't even make sense anymore, so....fuck it....

I just want to get out of this fog in my head and back to moving and creating without thinking. 😕

#cyanidefilleddiary #if you actually read this through to the end.....I'm so sorry #but thank you for caring about me and my bullshit #I don't deserve you....but appreciate you wholeheartedly nonetheless #ballet #dance #mental illness

[peachdoxie]

Two people of the same gender: *are very close and emotionally intimate with each other but show no signs of a sexual or romantic relationship*

Some of y'all dumbasses: there's literally no heterosexual explanation for this

Me: You do know that not every intimate relationship involves sex or romance, right? That people can be very close to each other without being sexually or romantically involved? And that claiming otherwise actively damages real non-sexual, non-romantic relationships by spreading the notion that people can't be emotionally close without being sexually and romantically involved? You do realize sexual and romantic relationships aren't the only kinds that are important to people, right?

#anecdotes by peachdoxie #*bangs my head against the wall* #clarification tags added January 28 2021: #please read before you accuse me of homophobia #(tho i 100% see in retrospect how it can come across that way) #in this post im not bashing on people headcanoning the kinds of characters described in this post as queer #i know from personal experience what it's like to desperately seek representation in media #and clinging to anything that's close enough #what i do have a problem with is people seeing deep emotional (but non sexual) connection #and using that as justification to INSIST that those characters are sexually attracted to each other #when there's no evidence that that's the case besides an emotional bond #being able to identify what is actual representation and what is headcanon/wishful thinking #is a skill that a noticeable amount of people on this website either lack or ignore #and THAT'S what i was frustrated about what i made this post #NOT people seeking representation #bc people being unable to tell the difference is how we got the voltron shitshow #it's a problem of critical reading skills and literacy #please know that i made this post out of frustration at that and not out of homophobia #and not out of malice either #i was frustrated with that phrase for reasons I've since forgotten #and i didnt anticipate this post getting this popular #so please consider this before you write a lengthy essay condemning me as a homophobe #as many have already done #also ive elaborated on my reasoning for this post before id you scroll way up in the notes #and lastly im sorry if i offended anyone #that wasnt my intention

[thehealingplum]

I think that my dad is the type who solely looks at productivity being a thing that deems people worthy of living. That being said, if you are enjoying life too much, that means you are goofing off and not working hard enough. So if he hears you laughing or sees you buying something he considers unnecessary, he will assume that you are taking advantage of his hard work and wasting your time with pointless things.

Self care is not a thing. Neither physical nor emotional. You do not deserve to be well. You should be hurting, suffering, and not be whining about it at all. His pain is worse than yours. Period. You have severe hip pains? Well, he had a cancerous growth. You got trauma? Well, he sacrificed so much for you to make sure you lived a good life. You're spoiled and you should learn what suffering is actually like.

I don't really know how he managed to fill our minds with illusions of love and respect. My childhood images of him in my head are mainly "he was drinking, his eyes are bloodshot, he's getting the belt to beat us."

I'd been punished for dumb things. I had forgotten my key and my brother and I didn't feel safe sitting outside. So we went to a friend's apartment (two brothers and one sister) and dad was so fucking pissed that we went in someone's house. I wanted to protect my brother and make sure he was safe, so being inside seemed like the safer choice. I was 9.

He has made me feel utterly foolish for having any feelings. I went to him anytime I was afraid of something. Nightmares as a child were just met with a condescending "poor baby." Fears were mocked. After a tornado had passed over the place that I had worked, I became afraid of strong winds, and he would laugh at me for hiding downstairs in the safe areas. Tears were unwelcomed. "I'll give you something to cry about" was a common phrase he used towards us whenever we shed any tears in front of him.

Mistakes were never let go. Ever. It took YEARS for him to stop reminding me of the time I accidentally spilled cleaning chemicals and burned the carpet. I had gone out to buy stuff for cleaning because I was really excited about being able to do something to help out around the house. And he... He didn't care about the attempt to clean and he didn't worry about if I had potentially gotten dangerous chemicals on myself. He was mad about me ruining HIS CARPET. I still see those spots every day because it is right outside of my old room and the bathroom.

My biggest bully for my entire life... Is my dad. If I were to interact with my mom more, she would also be at the top of my bullies list. Because she does not hesitate to pull me down and make me feel bad for things that I have no control over,and things that happened so very far in the past that I don't even remember.

Both of them have mental notes on things that I owe them, since I, their child, needed assistance with life. Everything with monetary value has been seen as a loan. Everything. Food. Shelter. These are things we have to pay back in the future when they need someone to take care of them. I refuse. He has a wife and she will probably have a husband. They'll figure things out. I'm done caring for people who get angry at me for everything.

I want positivity in my life. Yeah, I've experienced a lot of shit, and sometimes things go wrong and people frustrate you, but it's not a fucking reason to be a cold-hearted asshole.

I'm gonna be the giggly nonsensical nerd that makes people laugh and feel good about themselves.

#long post #trauma #abuse #toxic family #hi can you tell im tired #i just wanna get out of this place #i wanna cook nice meals for ppl and make sure they come home to a safe and comfy place