#i was wayyy overthinking it and struggling | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thisdreamplace · 2 years

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hi, my brother's being a huge dreadful person. clearly judging me for somthn he doesn't know the whole story of, consequently treating me like im the most repulsive person,, his words,, nd has serious judging problems with everyone,, that im SICK of. Worse is hes one of ThOsE pppl who think they're always right and super suuuuper self-entitld. it's exhausting. one of my parents is out of picture which is for the best he wasn't emotionaly there for any of us anyway. and the other never ever takes my side or even calls my brother out on his horriblenes and pettiness. have u ever met someone like that? u know those pppl who'll youll endure wayyy too much shit from, coz u dont wanna stoop to their lvl but they'll provoke u nd then use that one occasion to gaslight and paint u out to be the monster HAHAHA what a JOKE!

its already taken me months to admit this. I thought i was overthinking but yesterday i got real evidence that i had to admit spoke volumes abt how they (wonder duo lmao) view me

I tried to change myself i pretended things weren't as bad or that it wasn't real nd I took some steps despite my pride to be amiable with them... its unbearable. i feel so bad. I don't have any friends i can discuss this personal thing with. i wish i realy didn't exist. Thats how theyre already treating me right? im tryjny to see things frkm their view nd the only conclusion is if i acted like this with someone, itd be because i either want to put them down as i hate them because of my own insecurities that maybe im not aware of, or because im not emotionaly mature nd think what I'm doing is 'not thaaat bad they deserve worse so im being easy on them anyway'

ive always had diff points of views from them. Hugely diff. So yes maybe most of my opinions dont align with their beliefs. idk what to do? im doing my best not to give jn, to accept my emotions nd to sooth myself its tough but i owe it to myself but idk my heart breaks when i confront them or mention lightly abt their ugly treatment they act like "yeah? So? Whats ur problem, you deserve it!" and what if theyre right? the thing is idk if its related? but a few momths back i started getting flashbacks of my past in school when i got similar sometimes subtle-but-noticable 'treatment' from a few. it was a short period of time nd like i said it wasn't until it was over thay i realised it was kinda them punishing me for what i did to them? haha. what i did, as i found out, was being myself nd having acomplished stuff they didn't?! so petty jealousy over smth not in my control. Wth is wrong with ppl? Please tell me why ppl act like this as children, but then why still as adults? nd when these randkm memories pop up, is it coz im feeling smth bad? Or subconsiously thinking of smth bad? or is it my mind trying to tell me smth?

As for my mother, i feel like she knows whats shes doing, i told her many years ago how i was struggling with certain issues but she never outright helped me, basiclly pretended i never confided in her... Like no wonder i got trust issues hahah. Ik shes not dumb, but if she wanted to put her foot down she wouldve. idk how to tell u its hard for me to find reasons to live they're all external anyway. once I came across an article which said that parents do have faves and its usually the kid who usualy resembles THEM more. so that gave me strength knowing i have enuff mind sense to know what can hurt ppl whether they mention it or not. for instanc please help me here, my mother is the sort who talks like: "since that person isnt saying anything, it means they're unbothered by things. Everything's perfect in their life!" "If ur smiling, ur happy! U can't smjle nd be sad. U have smth (mother wants), then u hav no right to complain!" This is victim right? Imagine growing up listening to things like this? And because of this I had a habit of mind-reading ppl in which I expected them to know what i thought, but turns out what I 'read' on their minds was usually not good at all lol. It was victim! Im over that now. Ive become a bit... sensitive after events nd dealing with them alone. i never realised until a few years ago that not all adults are emotionaly mature. Its not their fault maybe their parents didn't teach them either. But it makes me so so SO ANGRY that i never even knew whats normal to me is actually so so unhealthy and not normal? has this hapened to u? As for being in her favor, I no longer WANT to be her 'fave' if that means conditional love nd being an ugly human inside together. U see when its stuff I do or dont do i swear she's after my hide, yelling and screaming. she has had only criticism for my choices in life only because they don't align with what SHE would do, despite our differences. why does it hurt when u think of someone whos supposedly someone who loves u more than anything? is this love? maybe its love nd I don't see it? yesterday i broke down in my room when i admitted this isn't normal. i can't live like this. Its not good. It brings me no relief to think even if i die they'll blame me for it, for not 'ConFiDiNg' in them! What if its me being crazy? and theyre right? besides i think my mothers secretly scared of my brother BY DA WAY HES A YEAR YOUNGER because he judges hard nd can accuse u confidently of shit after all he's had so much practice, nd hes more independent coz he can drive coz he sevretly prepared for nd got his license before i got mine nd back then we only had one car so he used it for uni coz his was 'farther' away than mine nd would come home super late so there was no chance for me to practice. By da way my mother blames me for that one too. Says i should've 'known' he was getting his license nd I wasn't 'serious' abt it.... Right, I was supposed to know he'd go behind my back? 😶

it's been like this and together theyre all chummy nd pretend they're not doing anything 'wronf' but they r. they're both more alike than they'd admit, nd not in good ways. we can't choose our families but I wish we could choose whether we wanna live in this world or not. lets say i change nd yes they reflect that sure that's nice but u know what? im so hurt by them nd ik theyll never ever know the extent to which ive been hurt. why should i dump this under the rug using the assumption law? later when i'll be okay and have my own life without depending on them they'll come to me nd pretend it never happened or if i mention how they treated me ik i just know they'll say things like: "oh it was for ur own good!"

like thisdreamplac i dont want to revise it like it never hapened nd honestly idk if i want their apology even! if ur hurt by someone's behavior, it means u care abt them! Whether its friends or family, so it means im caring for them. despite this i dont hate them enough to cause them hurt or pain back. why? Coz ik too well how it feels. the more this life feels like dreaming, the harder i feel things, more the pain more the fears

😶

hey :)

firstly, i'm sorry that's all happening to you. it's definitely heavy and not easy to deal with, when your pain runs deep and you're reminded of it all the time. it's surely not easy.

i hope that one day you decide to give yourself the freedom you deserve. hopefully one day you realize a life full of misery isn't worth it, and you change within for the better. not for anyone else, but for you. we are allowed to be happy, and we don't have to keep using others as an excuse for why we can't be. but that's a choice we must make on our own.

at the end of the day, whether you want to apply the law or not, you're still the one deeply carrying these burdens. not your family, but you. so you have to decide that you deserve to be free from the burdens, for yourself, because you deserve that lightness. it's not about who is right and who is wrong, but it's about you and taking responsibility for a beautiful tomorrow that doesn't rely on someone else.

i wish i could console you better, but i wouldn't tell you do something that i wouldn't follow myself. but anyway, i hope you do find yourself feeling better 💖

#eiypo

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ronanvespertine · 4 years

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I really struggled with Bakugo until I realised, in the context of the culture, he’s a very honest person? He says it like it is, and appreciates people trying their hardest. So it’s this honesty that forces him to recognise that Allmight saw something in Mid that he doesn’t have. And that Bakugo needed help and Allmight gave that help and lost his power for it. So he needed to be saved, at least once, which...helps? With the arrogance? With the doing-it-alone ness. What do you think?

Yeah, Bakugo seems like a pretty straightforward guy. But he's also really good at hiding his rawer thoughts. If Bakugo was ever put in a position where he had to lie, I think he'd be fantastic at it.

Eh, I wouldn't say Bakugo appreciates people who "try their hardest". Rather, he just respects those who are "strong or capable". He definitely recognizes people's efforts, but unless they come up with good results I don't think he'd bat an eye lol.

And I'm assuming when you talk about honesty with All Might seeing potential with Midoriya, you mean Bakugo being honest with himself. Yeah, I can see that. Bakugo never pulls punches, so he'd never pull punches with himself either.

As for his arrogance, I think it got knocked hella early, actually, and continued to get shot down throughout the story. The first day of UA, when they had all those training matches. Before UA, Bakugo was this cocky douchebag who thought he was an easy shoo-in as a hero. He looked down on others because he thought he was stronger/better than them. But then Bakugo had his first loss to Deku and Uraraka, Yaoyorozu analyzed their fight and blatantly called out their flaws, Todoroki was a fricking merciless powerhouse, etc. Bakugo realized that he could be beaten and outmatched, and that was probably a hell of a blow to his arrogance.

As for the impact of Kamino...hm. I'll warn you in advance that there are probably people who understand Bakugo's character way better than me, haha.

I think the biggest thing that weighed on Bakugo was being a burden in Kamino. A burden to the students protecting him, a burden to UA bc of the media backlash, a burden to the heroes, a burden to All Might who ended him, etc. Bakugo was basically put into the role of a victim, and experienced what it's like to be powerless for the first time. I do think that knocked a hell lot of arrogance out of him for a while. Coupled with the wholle burden thing, his insecurity at seeing Deku get stronger, etc. Bakugo's confidence just took a hit, though he hid it really well.

(Ugh, trying to get into Bakugo's head is hard. I've literally been deleting paragraphs after realizing I was overthinking it LOL)

I thought I was strong. Why am I so weak? I don't know how to overcome all this. I don't know how to get stronger. I don't know what I'm missing. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do to get better, be stronger.

Guilt. Uncertainty. Lost. Insecurity. Desperation. Fear.

Maybe...it's like this. Bakugo stuck in a rut and he has no idea how to get out of it. Like how "gifted" children fall apart when they first experience a real obstacle. He eventually crashed enough to reveal everything to Deku, and then All Might. All Might gave him reassurance that his loss of power was supposed to happen anyway, and answered Bakugo's question of "What does Deku have that I don't?" with the save and win thing.

God, I know this has all been said already and stuff, but I still get confused over it sometimes. After Ground Beta, I think Bakugo slowly dropped the lone wolf act because of what All Might said about save and win. The realization that other people have things that he doesn't have, and that his new road to becoming the strongest hero is by adopting these new behaviors. Working togrther with others, looking out for other people, etc. Because he can't improve alone anymore. And this shift opened up a hell lot of new area for Bakugo in terms of character development, which I refuse to explore because GODDAMN there's wayyy too much to unpack. 🤣🤣🤣

Did I even answer the question? Idk. 😅 I hope some things made sense. I'm serious about how much I struggled over this, despite how simple the reasoning seems. I don't know why I struggle with Bakugo so much. Maybe it's because it's midnight and my brain is half-asleep. Or maybe fan scans fucked up my perception of things. I have no idea anymore.

Sorry I used your ask as like a rambling ground to try and figure out Bakugo's character myself, hahaha!

#ronan answers #anon #bakugo katsuki #bnha #mha

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teardropxox · 5 years

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Personality

I can't remember who I was before my depression.

My depression does not leave a lot of space for my personality. Now I assign every characteristic I have to be a result of it. I'm scared that if the depression actually goes away at some point, there will just be left a shallow exterior. Someone who's just empty and tired. Like, sure, at that point I would've won the battle, but at what extent? What if there's nothing of me left? I was starting to feel depressive at a young age and throughout my whole puberty, and isn't that when you're supposed to form your personality?

Everybody always says that when you're depressed, you see the world in a negative way. But I don't think that's true. Perhaps the depressed ones have opened up their eyes. The other ones are just in denial and naive. And now that I've seen this, I can't go back to oblivion.

One quality I wish I had was spontaneity. Now I overthink too much and I'm tired (+sad) all the time. And I'm wayyy too scared for literally everything. Just name it and I'll tell you all the dangerous things that could possibly happen. And I feel constantly embarrassed or "too much".

I wish I knew who I'll be if I get 'better'. Because the "Me" I'm picturing right now, is not quite motivating.

Does anyone else struggle (or used to) with this?

#depressed #depression #sad #scared #mental health

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parksandrec-is-superb · 6 years

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Do you have any tips/advice for getting out of your own head? I have anxiety and I overthink wayyy too much lol

My friend, I’m having trouble getting out of my head at this very moment. I’m very sorry you struggle with anxiety. My solutions to getting out of my head are usually distracting myself with music, tv, etc. Talking to friends/people I trust helps too. I used to keep everything to myself, and it was kind of awful. I’m still working on opening up. This probably doesn’t help? But I think it’s just about getting through the moment. Like this is just a bad moment, and you can get through it. And once you do, there will be a good moment to meet it

#paige answers

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senkrechter · 3 years

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you dont have to answer this but i think i may have bpd, npd, and szpd. but im really unsure, is it even possible to have the 3 together??

like, i want to spend time with people, i have friends, i like the IDEA of spending time with people, but as soon as i call someone im just... bored? if i feel anything it goes away in a flash, and the feeling is usually pretty strong, especially when it's closer to the time where my meds start wearing off. i hate spending time with people irl because it adds an extra layer of exhaustion since i have to express my emotion on my face more. i wanna be well-known because then i could get loads of attention and admiration for my art but i absolutely don't want it either because i value my privacy wayyy too much. and like, i'm (almost) always on call with my partner and i really miss them when they're away and i constantly fear abandonment from them but they're the only person who really makes me feel that to an extreme? and when i'm alone i want to be with other people but when i'm with other people all i want is to be alone. idk that's not everything but this is getting long enough ahah. my mind is simply always at odds with itself and it frustrates me not to know why it's happening. i'm not diagnosed with any of these but i am diagnosed with adhd? but i've done as much research as i can on bpd, npd, and szpd.

sorry for troubling you, you don't have to answer this if you don't want. have a good day!

I don’t mind answering asks at all, you are not troubling me in the slightest, sorry it took me about three days to reply to this, I haven’t had the energy to log in the tumblr in a while. I will be honest with you and outright say that I don’t know enough about BPD or NPD enough to tell you whether you can have both at the same time, or whether you have them at all. And of course I can’t accurate say whether you have SZPD either, since the only thing I know about you is just a paragraph. I don’t know all of the things you feel, and I am not a professional, so just take these as my personal opinion and thoughts based on just the things you’ve told me here. Not gospel or fact! From my point of view, the things you describe aren’t very related to SZPD. Just as any personality disorder is, SZPD is severe, with a variety of symptoms, and I’d say the feeling of wanting to be around people, but then feeling tired when you are, wanting to be popular but not wanting to sacrifice your privacy etc. are very common introverted traits, rather than a relation to a specific personality disorder. Not to say these traits don’t make things hard for you at times, but you must be careful before assigning an entire personality disorder to them, since there’s so much more to SZPD than just these things. I am not the best at talking about my experiences, and feelings, so I will try to be more pragmatic and talk about the professional diagnostic criteria for SZPD more than that. Both the DSM-5 and ICD-10 share these criteria: 1. Taking little if any pleasure from activities. 2. Always, or almost always choosing and prefering solitary activities. 3. Indifference to criticisms or praise. 4. Little if any interest in sexual activity. 5. Emotional coldness, and detachment. The slight differences in the criteria are, ICD-10 has a couple extra, being, 1. Limited capacity in expressing emotions and feelings towards people, even anger. 2. Excessive fantasizing, and introspection. 3. This one similar to one of the DSM-5 criteria, except it includes not desiring, as well as not having close and personal relationships, or having just only one. (These are mostly out of memory, so if I forgot something or left it out, I’ll edit it if it comes to my head, or otherwise if someone sees this they can reblog with any correction.) Using only my common sense, to me it would not make a lot of sense for someone to have two cluster B PDs, known primarily (generalizing of course for ease of wording) for emotional volatility, common sensitivity to rejection and criticism, and among other things, as well as a cluster A PD that is commonly emotionally stagnant and apathetic most of the time. But then again, I am not a professional. Only real advice I can give you is to not overthink these things! Focus on the things you are feeling, the things you are thinking, try to recognize patterns in your behavior and do your best at figuring out how to handle the things that cause you the most grief. I know it may feel relieving to be able to assign a term or a label or a diagnosis to the things you feel and struggle with, but in this case, I personally don’t think SZPD is the right one.

#anon #asks #actuallyszpd #szpd #schizoid personality disorder #actuallyschizoid #cluster a

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inked-convulsion · 7 years

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What if we met earlier in life?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with age gaps - as long as both parties in the relationship are agreeing to working toward being together to be as comfortable as possible, I don’t see age as an obstacle or a factor that has to be taken in when discussing a relationship.

It does, however, add an extra dimension to the relationship because there will definitely be a difference in regards to social norms, knowledge, and habits.

Our current age gap: 5 years. To many, it’s an ideal gap, especially when the male party is the older one in the sense that the guy would already be more stable and mature in life, thus making him an ideal partner for the girl who may or may not be less matured and experienced. And so far, our relationship is fairly comfortable - it might be because we share similar interests and values thus far? Not sure, but it’s been good up till now.

Sexual chemistry is also something that is good for us - we enjoy every session we have so far, except for some of the experimental sessions that left us just a little unsatisfied, as in the journey to the finish line was either unsatisfactory, or not worth the orgasm.

We had a conversation about our sexual chemistry that day, and “if only we met during university, assuming the age gap was not as significant” came up.

I started university 6 years ago (omg, it’s been that long already?), and throughout the 4 years I’ve been slaving away on tobacco and late nights and excessive coffee, I’ve evolved a lot - I’m more loud, more vulgar, the horizons of my mind expanded beyond belief away from the constraints of peer pressure, I experienced so many different things, got to know people from so many walks of life, and most importantly, I was so much more in tune with my identity and who I was as a person, especially my weaknesses and traits that I found to be unique (read: not like every other girl everywhere).

But at that time, I was still jumping from guy to guy - I desperately wanted a relationship only because I felt like nothing without it. I still had the tendency to cut myself because I thought it was fairly cool and it would be a point for attention. I was deeply insecure about how I looked and I would do the extremes to “fix” how I looked - almost no food throughout the day, living on coffee, and waking up wayyy too early for a gym session on the treadmill that I absolutely hated. My sleeping patterns were (and sometimes still are) unreasonable. The only consolation was that I pretty much conquered my fear of public speaking in front of a reasonable crowd, gained some public speaking skills, and got to know friends who made me feel like I actually meant something to them.

Sexually, I was still fairly timid. I would still continue giving and giving without asking for what I really wanted. I still thought there was something wrong with me because I wanted and loved sex so much. What my peers said didn’t really bother me - we were all a bunch of directionless bitches anyway. But I felt really worthless in the sense that most guys wanted a quick fix and I was conveniently there, and since it was a quick fix, they didn’t even bother with how I felt, and I felt too self deprecating to make them focus on trying to pleasure me.

I think at that moment when we were still insecure and fairly inexperienced, the relationship and sex would be fairly different from what we have now. There would be likely to be more arguments, perhaps more insecurities, and maybe a lot of drama on my part. Dates would also likely be fairly simple and spaced out, as both of us were not earning anything at the time.

Sex-wise, perhaps a lot of public toilet or fitting room sessions, and the condom use would also likely fizzle out as the relationship progressed.

He said he would not be the person he is today without her, I responded by saying that I have her to thank for an awesome boyfriend, then. Internally, my mind was ripping itself apart.

If we met during university, he might not have met her. I might have left a scar deep enough to last a lifetime if we met and got together during that time. We may have waded deeper into the void of insecurities, and may have continued struggling with who we were as people.

Now I have a mature and loving partner, some part of me resents that it wasn’t me who was the cause - I didn’t inspire change in him. Or maybe it’s an umbrella feeling, where I fantasized so much about “inspiring change” in other people, but realizing that the only person who changed is myself. Part of me is insecure about my position in his psychological hierarchy, but then again that’s all due to my overthinking.

Or maybe what I’m really insecure about is that I feel like I will never be able to reach that level of achievement for and to him. Like that level of impression has already reached a max, there’s nothing more I can do to surpass that.

Perhaps it’s this that makes me feel like I’m still living in an illusion - to have someone who’s too good to be true, and he likes me, of all people on the planet.

ME.

All my fantasies and crushes aside, I regarded them as only fantasies that he would like me. At the most, I would’ve expected him to be infatuated for a couple of weeks before it gave way to reality; or I didn’t expect him to be really that perfect. It’s still surreal that he enjoys my company, doesn’t mind the weird shit that I do, and would prefer to spend time with me over certain activities.

Sometimes I wonder whether this is a long, drawn out dream while I’m in a coma somewhere. The fear is that one day I’ll wake up, and it would be just that - a dream. The fear is also that one day my antics would be tiresome, my insecurities annoying, and my face just another one in the crowd.

I guess I’ll just have to take it a step at a time, as they say, huh?

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to-calm-anxiety · 3 years

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My mind has been all over the place.

My therapist basically left me homework and I haven’t been able to do it because I honestly don’t remember how to do it. Like, I’m supposed to write down a thought, the feeling that thought causes me and the action I take to help that feeling. But it’s hard for me to establish a specific feeling to certain thoughts.

I’ve been overthinking wayyy too much. I haven’t been able to concentrate.

First I didn’t know if my therapist liked me (since I have a huge need to be liked by everyone that was a huge deal to me)

Then I was thinking about all the things I said/should’ve said and what she may have thought about each thing. And then every time she wrote something down, like, WHAT WAS SHE WRITING?

what if I’m so annoying that she doesn’t want to be my therapist? Is that something that she would tell me?

The clinic where she works was supposed to send me a test and I spent 2 days wondering why they hadn’t sent it. Maybe she didn’t want to work in my case. So I was struggling thinking if I should message them or wait.

I decided to message them.

they sent me the test.

I paid for it and did it.

then they told me they were going to message me back telling me when my next appointment was going to be because they had to see if the therapist wanted me to see the psychiatrist. that was yesterday and I haven’t heard from them. how do I know when it’s appropriate to ask them???

like isn‘t she supposed to be the one making sure I make an appointment and stuff since I’m paying her?

and the psychiatrist???? Omg, I’m gonna spend so much money. But I believe it’s worth it.

I couldn’t live like that anymore.

she told me I had to face my fears but I don’t feel like sleeping alone.

thinking about it... she’s nice.

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

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Song of my life

I hate Jay, but I still think about breaking the moral code just to get them/he back.

I don't like their idiotic, bratty, ass, controlling, wimpy, diary of a stolen boyfriend, terror tactics, microsoft nerdy ass, clymphomaniac (Cliff Huxtable Nymphomaniac), military guerrilla style, bronchitis bitchass who snorrrrrrrttttttttssssss so fucking loud in the morning like a kerosene chemical bomb is stuffed up her fucking nose and into her black, gothic, lights her fingers, witch candles and fake dick complacencies all bundled in for an asshole she can't stop from seeking other people, with their own financial insecurities. But yet you steady roasting me??

I hate that I can't just get up and go get a job today. My ass is literally struggling just to pay attention on an application, then when I get frustrated that I can't find anything I'm even fucking qualified for, I get horribly upset about me not being able to do anything about it an just start wanking off for about 2-3hrs of porn just to get a high because I can't smoke weed anymore, and whenever I can't do that, I go to the store to buy processed food and sweets and pop that I don't need but I need to fulfill this need of a high with a sugar craving, and then I kick back into circulation because then I start thinking about how much of an asshole Jay and Jay gf was and then it repeats all over again.

I think too much.

I sneak drinks from my parents special alcohol because I can't even afford buying me some alcohol enough to drown my poisonous thoughts in. But then it gets worse if I drink too much, because then I think about hurting myself and the ptsd kicks in from my momma, dad, jay, that bitch, and everybody else that ever said any mean, rude, sarcastic, and judging me for not being able to grow up like a proper adult. When the truth is, I don't even want to?

And I mean the type the adult my mother and father became...

The corporate job, that you don't even like going to, but you do it because you gotta pay bills, wash your ass, cook, clean, and pay at restaurants because you wife likes to be dined out and took on trips every so often to feel loved and appreciated. Then there's the kids and their automatic dysfunctions to wanting to chip in or help out. All the while, when you come home, you're so tired and worn the fuck out, you can't even build on the dreams or the projects your ass retired to think about doing outside of work because your wife made you cut your hair and be somebody you weren't before you met her.

That's why I don't like marriage. Because I hate being controlled. But I know I need to if I want to settle down and at least have one freaking kid (which I admit took me a long time to even adjust to the idea of having kids at all, until much recently) because kids need to grow up within the first 8-10yrs with 2 parents to grow up with a secure attachment style. And I'm starting to fear, I don't wanna end up a workaholic like my mom who barely even had enough time for me working all the time to cover the household, and then now my dad is the one taking over that role and I see the difference in my sisters now, the lack of their father being able to emotionally support them, like he used to do with me. Cause when mom wasn't there, he was, and I'm glad he was. But now, I keep thinking that maybe if I didn't feel so fearfully attached to my mother to where I became anxious-avoidant, maybe I would have had a healthier relationships with my more feminine relationships and I wouldn't have started to feel like a low life about her not loving me, kissing me, or hugging me enough as a child, like I needed her to be there. It wasn't just me looking for attention or just whining for no reason, I remember crying to myself at night sometimes because I was afraid to call her to my room to help me. Because she was always at work.

And now you think I'm overthinking, but this is just an example of what my brain starts thinking within a whole hour and I just woke up. And by the way I hate the idea of being a depressed mother, postpartum-depression, my mother had it, but I've seen other mothers with it and how it affected the children to see their mothers sad and they became overpleasing, overworked children who blamed their mother's conditions on the reasons why they can't stop people pleasing and stop being too nice all the time, because they grew up in a southern background with biscuits, rice, and eggs that taught their children to serve and serve the mother and father as part of the household.

Sounds like slavery right?

What bout teamwork, cooperation, fairnesss. Not tyranny.

And that's where the loop starts all over again. Because I just came out of situation/unofficial relationship/bdsm-sex-slaveship/non-giving-a-fuck-cgl/toxicship/friendship that was ran by a tyrannist and a colonist working and then not working me to death, putting me on hold, expecting me to wait without a collar of endearment or commitment, and then getting mad when I leave to go find real love, but then my heart keeps fucking beeping like the little reservation alarms from Outback that HEYYYY BITTCHHHH YOUUUU FEEELLLL SOMMMMEETHHHIMGGGGGG THEERREEEEE FORR AAA REEASSSONNNNNNNNN! FUCKING STUBBORN YOUTH BITCH, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THEMMMMM!

And this is when I get into a fight with myself, because it doesn't even fucking matter because clearly the Co-Captain, Jay, doesn't wanna be involved with us, nor do we know if they were actually playing a role to please HITLER or they really are an abusive, retarded, bastard who doesn't deserve shit, because you know why....

YOUU RANNNN AWAAAYYYYYY TOOO AVOIIIIDDD HEARRRING THISSS DUMBB MFFFFF SAY GOODBYE TO YOU IN PERSON AND NOW WE DONT HAVE ANYYY FUCKKKKINGGG CLOOOSSURREEE AND YO ASSS ISSS STIIILLLL GETTINGGG BLOOCCKKKEDDD

And I hate when I delegate with my personalities, yes, I said personalities, but they mostly feel like masks, because it was an imaginary coping mechanism that my young version of me did to adapt to school, my house, my friends in FL, My friends in MS, and then of course my friends here, I'm always changing and customizing myself like a GTA character in the shop, ready to just take a fucking shower and lay in bed alll day to exhaust my engine, because I downloaded too many computer programs and learned too many parts about someone else's vagina that I wasn't just about to get ready to eat and now Im switching as I talk......

See what I mean. I go from writer nostalgic rant, to aggressive, over freak that just wants to get down, get nasty, get drunk, get high, and go see other people so I can just get over this fat jerk, that (we dont know if they even love us, but nancy drew wants a straight up confession not controlled by their institutionalized gf that hawks their phone and their mind everyday. THEY REEEKKKK OF THEIR FUCKING GF INFLUENCESSS. THAT MANIPULATIVE ASSS FUCKIING WHHOOORREEEE), but most obviously (school Ky talking) this person absolutely does not love me or her enough to respect both women, but especially me, as they disrespect me the most, block me to abandon me, an treat me like a sexy can of green beans to eat later in their storage cabinet, so yes they just see you as a casual sex option to go, no longer respects you, your mind, your body or whatever your opinion is.....because their off marrying the wicked witch of the Midwest as we speak....it could be any day now.

(Mad ky) Why the fuck haven't they got married yet? 2yrs is wayyy too fucking long to be engaged to somebody if they're saying they're gonna get married at the courthouse. Like wtfff just do it already, I can't hold this fat ass bitch any longer from running back to this mf house. Like Ky, leave this nigga alone, damn! We can find a finer ass nigga, with a better job, and a better heart, emotionally available to love you and respect you the way that you need to be treated, fuck that mf.

I hate this bitch (Love Ky) but why don't we just go over there and see if they'll talk to us.

HELLLLLL NAAAHHHHH I DONT EVEN FUCKING TRUST THAT HOE AND FUCKING HITLER ASS GF SO FUCKING PETTYY SHE MIGHT EVEN TRY CALLING THE COPS ON YOU CAUSE SHE DONT EVEN LIKE YO ASSS AND SHE FAKKEKKE ASSS FFUCCKKKK LIKE A MF KARENNNN YO

Forget that hoe, we out mf.

We can't even tell this mf that we even moved in between grand rapids and Flint because mom tried to push us down the stairs and had to live with our grandma who don't even want us there so now she keeps making up excuses because she has OCD and likes her house a certain way, her and her only.

Its been a month since I even got into it with her about a fucking hamster, now my ass is still in flint. Not even wanting to go see grandma till I have a fucking job, cause she always yelling at me about stupid little shit and I only got to stay there for a month. She even got on me about some canned collard greens, man do I highly dislike that mf mother too. Sorry, grandma but you a pain in the ass to live with too.

I hate my life rn....

And its so hard to stay positive. My life sounds like a cartoon that I didn't even write. My looney toon ass need a psychiatrist, but I can't even afford therapy until I find a job with actual healthcare insurance.

Cause my first ever therapy session was $188 that I haven't even been able to pay off yet, because a mf aint got no job, Tommy.

Like wtffff

I need a vacation. From my brain. And my body. My family.

Then there's that good ol' American Television called escapissmmmmmmmm

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