#i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly'

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up

#it's because i've been drinking diluted juice #i swear the shit they put in that makes me delirious with fever #ughhhh so sick wish a nice big strong mechanoid could help me rn :( real shame #gonna drink water till the middle of the night. there goes my plans for a better nights' sleep :< #i do genuinely feel awful and i have been feeling so for a while and it's all my own doing. not eating healthy. stressing out and barely- #-sleeping. i have stretch marks from losing weight and circles under my eyes. everything's fuzzy. i keep forgetting basic things. #i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly' #i've got no irl friends or family to fall back on. i can only travel so far and i get meltdowns far easier now #months ago i was treated like a pet. now i'm an adult before i ever got to be a child. #i want to be held. be loved without even having to say a word to each other. not even by an f//o but by someone who'll be willing to love m #but all i am now is sick and hungry and hot and cold and tired and awake. #i can't imagine how much worse it is for other people though. i've seen awful images and they're not even a taste of how terrible it is #i worry i won't be able to afford food in the future. or have a stable flat or apartment. that social services will let me down again #this year was meant to be a break but i'm constantly worrying about the time i become 18. my autism and lack of any social life- #will impact me and i'll be fucked over easier than ever. and that happens often #college brought me panic attacks where i'd physically harm myself till i got migraines in front of people and they didn't bat an eye #i could be kicking and screaming and begging for help but they'll just ignore me or infantilise me

[afriendandacryptid]

Frustration

Okay, so I'm looking for a job. I've got two associate's degrees plus nearly had my BSN. Thanks to my physical disabilities, working a full-time on-site job isn't likely to work out. I can't plan dislocations and sometimes I get into so much pain I cannot function.

So I thought I'd go into health information management because most medical coders work from home. I earned my degree in the subject and thought I had my answer. I've been looking for months and I've applied to several dozen jobs. I always get the same answer: you don't have enough experience.

I need experience. But someone has to hire me for that. But to be hired I need experience.

Even jobs marked 'entry level' and 'no experience' on job boards say 'at least one year of experience required'. I kid you not. Internships are hard to come by and often in other states, apparently.

So I'm now looking at part-time on-site positions and hybrid positions. I've applied to quite a few but it's the same deal- no experience no call back or the generic rejection email.

I've been asked why not just try for disability benefits? I live in the US and there's two types: SSI and SSDI. SSI is for the elderly and adults with low income and disabilities. I've applied for it as a backup, but the income limit is crazy low. My husband is a teacher and I was told he probably makes too much. A teacher. SSDI is based on work credits. You need 40 to get it. I'm not that old and spent several years in college (which feels like a waste now) so I don't have enough.

I hate feeling like a burden. I help around the house as much as I can, but I feel like a waste of space much of the time. My husband says I'm not, of course, but I hate seeing him worry about bills when I could be bringing in money somehow. We have so much to fix up around the house and can't for the foreseeable future due to lack of money for it. At least we got the house when we had the chance, I guess. House upkeep is so expensive.

I'm not giving up. Something will come through. Eventually.

[agirldying]

it's been a while, huh?

I graduate soon, and I'm super worried because I. I don't know what to do anymore. I've finished all of my work and everything. I've always been full of restless energy, but school routine has kept it in check until now. like, school was hell, but at least it was structured, manageable, routine hell. I need to get my license, and get a job, and move out, and go to college, but like ... I'm so mentally ill from all the fucking trauma that it's difficult to take care of my basic needs. I don't know if I can do any of those things, or that I should be allowed to. makes me feel a little worthless! I ... probably qualify for disability, but I still have to move away from here (out of state), for reasons I don't think I should articulate on a public ask. I'm only 16, and I can't get my "dream job" regardless until I'm in my 20s, so I still have, like, time to think. I just ... I'm only now starting to unpack my trauma, and it takes So Much Energy. energy I already don't have to spare. how am I supposed to pretend to be normal when I'm so exhausted?

I guess I mean to ask ... you're an adult, how do you function?

It has been a while, Pink!

I’m 100% on the same boat currently, only in college. So maybe that gives you a bit of peace knowing that college is another daily routine for the next 2-4 years of your life. Also I’m a junior and I still have my permit and no job. Don’t feel like you have to be a certain level of adult to continue on with your future.

Also, don’t feel like you have to figure out your career path before you hit college. I came in undeclared and then changed my major like 4 times before I landed on creative writing. For most colleges, you don’t even have to declare a major until your junior year. Just take your gen eds and sign yourself up for classes that intrigue you, and you’ll find your niche that way. 

Like for me, this summer I’m taking music theory to learn how to read music, and then I’m taking game design. Imo the most important thing in going to college is doing what you love, even if that’s not the most ambitious or lucrative path. Just have fun with it. 

I would not recommend unpacking your trauma alone. I don’t know if your parents are open to the idea, but I would suggest proposing getting yourself into therapy. I think it might be especially crucial as you prepare for graduation.

Honestly I don’t have advice about pretending to be normal because I too am having issues taking care of my basic needs. It’s important to acknowledge your exhaustion and ensure that other people acknowledge it too. 

If you ever get to the point I’m at when you’re at college, where you’re just burning out and only leave your bed to pee, make sure to just let all your teachers know you’re having severe mental health issues and they’ll more than likely give you the extensions you need (if they’re nice, which in my experience is often). The biggest thing that colleges drilled into my head during open houses and orientation is that everything is up to you. You have to tell people what you need or else they’re not obligated to save you. It’s harsh but they will cut you slack so long as you ask for it.

I feel like this kinda ended on a weird note idk, but it’s so good to see you in my asks again and I hope I hear from you bunches in the near future!

#text #college #school #burnout #school burnout #trauma #stress #asks #pink anon #life path #career path #anxiety