#idk it’s just so much and feeling like I’m just the therapist friend again kinda hurts | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 months

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hiiii idk if you’re taking requests, and feel free to ignore me lol, but i’ve been thinking abt Try Your Best (That's All We Can Do) a lot recently. and like reading it is so perfect and i love it. i was wondering if you were going to add to the story at all. ik it is wrapped up nicely, but i kinda wanna know what happens to them (make sure roman can avoid being murdered and heal), but yeah! thanks for all you write!

I really, really like how I ended that fic, so I don’t think I’m going to do another full chapter, but I’ll do a mini-fic epilogue just for you :)

Roman eventually shares with Virgil and Remus—and Janus, by default, because god knows his two lil gremlins don’t want to keep secrets from their dad if they don’t have to—that he’s been going to a therapist since a few months after Jamie committed suicide. He ascribes a lot of his personal growth to talking things through with them, even though they’re determined to get him to accept some credit on his own.

(Remus may or may not hit Roman in the face with a pillow for the same reasons and the two of them may or may not get into the habit of pillow-fighting whenever they see each other. It’s unclear whether or not this is actually a good thing.)

(It is, don’t worry.)

Roman actually plans to meet up with Virgil for a date right after one of his appointments, and Janus drops him off outside the building. While there, the therapist asks Janus if he’s Roman’s father. He isn’t, and says as much, but he starts to worry about how Roman’s managing to afford this if his therapist can’t even recognize his parents. He confronts Roman about it and Roman says that the school’s guidance counselor actually recommended and they worked out something with insurance that his parents never had to personally approve.

There’s another indecent at school where Janus is called in because Remus got into a fight. When he gets there, he sees Roman sitting outside the principal’s office, holding something to his head again, and Remus glowering at the wall. For a terrible second, he has memories of the same thing happening in middle school, only this time Remus has his arm around Roman’s shoulders and Virgil comes running up a second later.

Jamie’s friend had attacked Roman again, and Remus had tried to stop them. Roman had shoved Remus behind him and been rewarded with a textbook across his temple. The administration had found the three boys like that: one bleeding, still holding back another, the third crying and screaming on the floor.

Roman’s parents never make an appearance.

Janus offers to drive Roman home—and maybe not-so secretly give them a piece of his mind—but Roman pales and makes up something about how that would just leave his car in the school parking lot overnight and he’d have to figure out a way to get to school tomorrow. Janus lets it go, mostly so the poor thing doesn’t freak out even more, but he’s oddly quiet for the rest of the night.

He also turns into a total cuddle monster for the rest of the week, but that’s not that big of a surprise.

No, the surprise comes when Virgil gets a call during one of their weekend afternoons and finds out that Roman has to cancel their date tomorrow because he’s in the hospital.

The call doesn’t even end before Janus is barking at both of them to get in the car.

They’re almost not allowed in, because only family is permitted, but then the orderlies reveal that Roman’s actual family hasn’t showed up at all, didn’t answer the emergency call, and Janus just about shoves his way past them to let Virgil run into Roman’s room. The room is filled with machines and loud beeping and a scared child in an oversized hospital bed, and all Janus can think about is the little boy in his father’s suit, all alone in a graveyard.

The doctor comes in. All three of them completely fail to be subtle at eavesdropping as she tells Roman that his attacker has been taken into custody, and that it’s a good thing his family came so quickly.

Virgil barely stifles a gasp, Remus’s eyes go wide, and Janus’s just watches the most heartbreaking confusion cross Roman’s face until he realizes that the doctor is referring to them.

“…yeah,” Roman mumbles, not meeting any of their eyes, “I guess I am.”

The doctor turns to Janus. “Did they tell you what happened?”

“No, not yet.”

“Your son was hit by a car. Luckily it wasn’t going very fast and his injuries aren’t too severe, but he’ll need to rest and heal. Is there somewhere you can—“

“Can you give us a moment, please?”

The doctor looks at Roman, surprised, then back at Janus. Janus just raises his eyebrow—“He’s the patient, it’s not up to me.”—and the doctor leaves.

“If you say anything about being sorry for being an inconvenience or her assuming we’re your family,” Remus says before Roman can say anything, “I’m gonna hit you with a pillow.”

“Remus,” Janus warns.

Roman winces, holding a hand to his side. “Don’t make me laugh, my ribs are cracked.”

“Good thing Re’s not funny, then.”

“Boys.”

Roman does, in fact, try and apologize for everything, but Janus stops him with a hand on his uninjured shoulder.

“You’re hurting,” he says softly, referring to far more than just the car accident, “let us help you, please.”

When the doctor comes back, the first thing they do is change Roman’s emergency contact to Janus.

#dragonbabbles #fic #mini-fic #i do have opinions on the matter

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pics-and-fanfics · 3 months

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I'm sorry. I had a bad day and took offense to something you said. I didn't mean to actually hurt you, I just wanted to take out my anger on you and I guess make you feel angry too? That's why i sent that ask.

I'm 16 and I'm just having a really hard time in school and I'm scared of senior year and I was hurt really bad recently. I hope you can forgive me and forget about what I said. I'm just some dumb teenager who forgets how powerful words are I guess. I'm so sorry girl or nb or w/e you prefer. I hope you feel better by now, life is amazing and I hope you surround yourself with people who make you happy. Please go over this with your therapist.

I'm really sorry. I'll be more thoughtful next time i send people ask. I'll try and be a better person

Understandable, everyone has bad days, but maybe a better way to let out that anger would be to write it down and then rip it up or destroy it? Idk, I just isolate myself and hug my stuffed animals until I feel better tbh.

And yeah, I did get upset, but I wasn’t mad, I was just a little taken aback, maybe hurt? I get that school is hard, I’m still in high school too (it fucking sucks ass, I feel you there) and I’m terrified about the future. But I’ve got my friends and family and an awesome support system, in person and online, maybe find people that can be that for you, and vise versa?

Don’t call yourself dumb, that leads down a very dark hole that’s hard to climb out of and it forms into a very very bad habit, trust me. I’m working on that myself, but like everything, esp bad habits, it takes time and effort to fix. I still say stuff like “I’m so dumb” a bit too often, but I’m working on saying “no I’m not, I’m smart, I’m just having trouble” afterwards.

And yeah, words hurt. I’ve learned that the hard way, driving away people that I didn’t learn to appreciate until later, but I can’t apologize bc I have no idea where or even who they are now. Friends, strangers, even my niece (I’m working on not doing that with her tho, I love the little kid, she’s so awesome and smart and kind, at least when she doesn’t have her moms shitty attitude).

And I can forgive, but I will not forget. Kinda like the quote “The lumberjack forgets the pain he causes, but the tree always remembers.” I’m working on that too, trying to forgive others. I’m working on a lot about myself lately, I’m just realizing. I still hold grudges, esp against the person who sent the ask last year telling me to kill myself, but I don’t know if I have or haven’t forgiven them. I don’t know if I have or haven’t forgiven an old friend after what she pulled at my birthday 2 years ago, and I don’t know if I can. There are some things that can’t be forgiven, but this is so small, but it hurts so much still.

I forgive you, and I hope you have some better days coming, honestly.

If you want, you can keep sending asks when you have a bad day? They can stay anonymous, and I can try to help, if that’s okay with you. I can be part of your support system, if you want.

I’m working on a lot of things, and I hope maybe this can help you start working a little to be happier, less full of anger all the time?

But please, be kind to yourself, and if you can’t always be kind to others, then try to find a way to avoid them or ignore them. (I don’t know if I can do that with the boys in my math class tho, they are so loud and I got basically punched in the arm by one of them today, it hurt)

I love you, anon. Please be kind to yourself, and I’m here if you need to talk again. ❤️

You are enough. I love you.

(Also sorry I took forever to respond to your ask, but I saw this right before class, and then school basically drained all of my energy 😭 and then I had a shit load of homework I had to do, at least I get out for break tmrw thank god)

#apologies #apology #follow up #follow up ask #anonymous #anon ask #apology ask #it’s okay anon I forgive you #and i love you

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orange-plum-vents-sometimes · 11 months

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TBH my stamina is getting kinda low. I talked to my therapist a while ago that, at a certain point, I’ve just had nonstop shit thrown at me for years. Basically since 2016 it’s been a nonstop shitshow. My mom even said as much back then saying like “Yeah but think about it. It’s been years since you had a breather.” And it’s true.

Tumor, failed medical procedure, surgery, friend group fell apart, raped, moved outa state and was depressed, pandemic, crippled foot, sexually assaulted by a loved one that my family still loves, crippled foot again, cousin died, had a health scare the next day, family drama etc

IDK man. And now, I like my job A LOT. that’s one of the best things of my life rn, but my foot acted up again and I lost a vacay I reaaaaally needed. And sure, ppl in my life can bounce back from shit like that, but NOT ME. OK, I have had shit every year since 2016 and i am so TIRED. i want a BREAK. going to a con might mean nothing to people but it was a breather to me, and i feel extra bad bc i did everything the doctor’s told me and it made everything worse.

I feel like absolute shit rn. IDK when i can get another break in my reality. I’m just really upset rn and missing this stupid con makes me want to die. Great, fine, people say this is not a big deal in passing, but not for me.

i hate my life rn and being crippled makes it a million times worse. whatever

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one-abuse-survivor · 2 years

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Hi, I’m not really sure what I’m going for here, I just kind of want advice about something hope that’s alright. I have a friend, we’d be classified as best friends I suppose - if I’m giving myself that lenience. We’ve known each other since we were really young, been through our worst times together etc etc. I always have this fear that deep down inside she doesn’t actually like me anymore and only keeps me around because she’s too nice and is worried she’d be inadvertently responsible for anything I would do after revealing this (which would be nothing, but still). I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m that full to the brim with self hatred and not capable of understanding why anyone would want to stay because I’m no fun to be around and more of a burden then what I’m worth. I’m always just sad, though I do usually hide it pretty well, I’m sure I’m not as fun to be around as someone who’s genuinely happy or has their shit together majority of the time. We never really hang out anymore, which is in part down to work schedules conflicting, but also she never really asks to - and when she does it always feels like it’s when I’m in a noticeably distressed state. She usually takes days/weeks/sometimes months to respond to my texts, which isn’t exclusive to just me and I’ve let her know I don’t mind the delays cause usually it’s mental health related and I feel that, but the seed of doubt is always there and just seems to grow more and more over time.

I love her very much, and I wouldn’t want to feel like she’s dragging this out for herself just to spare my feelings - I’ve spoken to her about it before and told her it’d be fine if she wanted to leave and that I understand, but she always reaffirms that she does like me and isn’t just putting up with me - I just don’t feel like I ever fully believe it. It’s not a matter of not trusting her to be honest with me, I’m just not used to having good people in my life who actually want to be around or love me and I’m kinda conditioned to believe I’m not worth shit (kuddos to parental emotional neglect, childhood ptsd and past abusive relationships 🤌). I also know her too well to realise even if she did absolutely despise me she would never say it and still treat me like her friend, hence why I’m conflicted between if it’s just me overreacting, or if it is the case she’s tired of me.

Idk, am I just having a really bad bout of self hatred or is she too nice for her own good? Cause I’m not sure anymore. Any advice would be appreciated, whatever you can give

Hey, nonnie ❤️ I'm sorry this has been going on. For what it's worth, I can tell you childhood ptsd and neglect have also made me feel this way about friends before, so I hope you know you're not alone. It's true that these life experiences can make you feel worthless of love, affection, care and genuine human connection.

Something my therapist said a few years ago regarding the feeling that your friends secretly hate you, and that helped to hear, was that it's not your responsibility to tell when others are lying to you. Once you ask them to be honest with you about how they feel about you, what they reply is their choice and their responsibility, and not yours. Even if they are lying, they're the ones who have to work through their issue of being unable to let go of people—it's not you who gets to decide that they do indeed hate you and act accordingly so as not to hurt them. The best thing you can do is respect their choice, and trust that if they chose to tell you they want you in their life it's because they genuinely wanted to say that. And if they didn't... again, that's their issue to worry about, not yours.

This helped me personally because it helped me change the focus of my thoughts, so instead of trying to read other people's minds and overanalyse every single interaction in search for clues that proved my fears right (like my ptsd had trained me to do), I found myself focusing on communication, on asking honest questions, and then on accepting what they communicated to me as the only thing that's my responsibility to take into account moving forward. My therapist called this "drawing the responsibility line".

I also had a conversation about this with my new therapist and what she said was slightly different, but also helpful to me: she said that when we decide for others what they really think about us, we're taking away their agency to decide what they think about us for themselves. And don't our friends deserve to make their own choices about how they feel about us? Why are we trying to make that choice for them?

I know I'm not explaining it as well as either of them did, but I hope some of this still helps to hear. Sending a virtual hug ❤️

#Ask #Negative self talk #Emotional neglect tw #Ptsd tw #Abusive relationship tw #Child neglect tw #friendship breakup #Friendships

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corruptedsilence · 2 years

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Anonymous asked: We're not mutuals but you're one of those that I continue to follow cuz I really like your content! I think you're an awesome and talented person. When I see you down I sometimes want to reach out to help but I am unsure how to do so? But I'm always wishing you the best.

Like, I don’t mean to sound rude or pessemistic but my Depression is a force to be reckoned with. My GF can testify that it’s not an easy thing and I tend to spiral fast. It’s why I am thinking I need to re-evaluate my medication because my current one is not helping anymore.

The best way to help me if we aren’t mutuals is probably just, sending anons of encouragement? Or just, idk honestly. It’s hard to know since even my mutuals and friends aren’t able to always help either. If worse comes to worse sending me something nice or sending me something to get my mind off of the depressive mood tends to help. I often try to distract my brain from the depressive feeling with writing, or I write out how I feel. Lately neither of those worked since my depression hyperfocused on my writing and feelings of being not good enough to be around.

Right now I am not depressive at least I don’t think so. I’ve also kinda taking some gummies(THC) to help keep me calm since yes I do have them because they do help my anxiety calm it’s tits (all my friends saying i should try to get a medical license since i know it helps but hfjekw)

But it doesn’t hurt to send a helpful or kind anon, or throwing something out to distract my brain from whatever it is. These are my main ways of being able to give me energy to beat up my thoughts because reassurance is something my brain needs as more like the ammunition or weapon I can beat it back. Think of me holding and I know it’s not the best analogy in modern day but, me holding an empty gun against the monster that is my depression. Reassurance mixed with tough love gives me another bullet to beat it back. Though there is no silver bullet each one gives me another thing I can use to logically beat back my emotions. I try to fight it with Logic, but when I have no more ammunition to use, I am overcome by it.

I am trying to work with my therapist to not need to rely on everyone else all the time for this, and most of the time I don’t. I don’t talk a lot about the struggles I have daily, it’s just when it bubbles up too much I feel an impulse to say it, to speak out, to scream into the void and call for help. I feel bad doing so, I don’t like depression posting, but often it’s when I’m at my end do I make those posts.

I learned recently if I don’t ask for help or don’t seek someone out I can act in ways that are extremely self harming which again is why I’m speaking with my therapist and psychiatrist about it.

I do appreciate the want to help, and you’re always welcome to just know sometimes people can’t help and please don’t put my mental state and how it is on your shoulders. You are never obligated to help, you are not my therapist, and sometimes nothing can be done but that’s okay. Never do more than you yourself can handle, never hurt yourself to help me or anyone because you matter as well, your mental health is also important and shouldnt be compromised to help me

Thank you so much, just seeing this message does mean a lot knowing there are people who do care and do want to help <3 Thank you friend

#Out for a Bite // OOC #Screams from the Abyss // MT

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nkhrchuwuya · 2 years

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✨I was debating whether I wanted to join or not, but I decided to give it a shot, so…

I’m nb but don’t usually care what pronouns are used. I’m very insecure about a lot of stuff, especially my looks, my asexuality, my art and writing. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and usually it makes me feel like I’m very… forgettable, I guess? Like I’m not anyone’s first choice:0c

I’m very shy, and kind of hard to get to open up unfortunately >.< But I do enjoy doing things with others, like card or board games; or, if we’re close enough, just sitting together and reading or watching tv or something.

Idk if this is enough, I know I sort of lack personality. Thank you, and congratulations on 500!!

-🍀

hey 🍀 anon! i'm so glad you decided to join!! i hope you enjoy the stuff i've written for you, it was really lovely to be able to write for you personally! it was totally enough- i know you might feel a little insecure about "lacking personality" but i promise, i bet you are so much more than what you see in yourself, and other people know it! again, thank you for all your support in this blog!

japanese doesn't have pronouns, but chuuya still tries to refer to you in the most gender neutral way he can. he probably resorts to そいつ or あいつ, basically meaning, "that guy", and it sounds kinda rude but he says it with so much love and i promise, the people who hear it can tell it's affectionate.

chuuya cradles every insecurity you have in your hand and tries to brace you for them. he knows you carry a lot of them on your shoulders and he likes to shield you from things that bring them up whenever possible. he wishes you could see yourself the way he saw you- and if it takes just slowly going day by day protecting you from your thoughts, then he will.

alternatively, he also tries proactive measures to keep your insecurities at bay. insecure about your looks? definitely has an armful of compliments for you, ready to be unleashed at any point in the day. insecure about your art stuff? he's your number one hypeman and would love to submit your stuff to magazines or shows or collections just so you can hear the positive (never the negative! he's holding that down for now until you're ready for them) comments on them. he's always there to remind you you are enough.

chuuya doesn't hesitate to tell you that you are very important to him, and that you are so much more than your brain tricks you to be. he knows what depression and anxiety looks like. he knows how it can trick the brain, and when he sees you falling into that he does it his best to be with you and with words for you that hopefully you'll hear and listen to.

if it gets too much to bear, he's also the first one to drag you to someone who can help, like a therapist of some sort or, if that's too much still, a friend of yours he knows he can rely on. he knows he can't do the job all by himself, so he will use all the means necessary to help you up.

chuuya finds your shyness so adorable, especially since he knows what it is like when you've opened up. when you're meeting other people with him, the way you flutter backward in your hesitation, the way he can step up and protect you from the "harm" that is other people you do not know quite well yet. it unleashes his Protector Mode and he loves being in that headspace.

loves doing things with you in silence once you finally let him. if you're not too big on more "adventurous" things to do, or even just not so much, he's absolutely willing to just sit by your side and chill with his glass of wine. he loves keeping you company, and he will never tire of doing so.

has a thing where every time he passes by you he pats your head a little bit. it became a habit after you were doing some art and needed encouragement and he'd pat your shoulder, but eventually it evolved to patting your head whenever he's around and you're about headpat level.

i think chuuya will let you unleash a little fire in you little by little the longer you're with him. his energy is just infectious; and even if you don't become a social butterfly, you'll definitely be able to stand a little stronger and straighter with him at your back.

#🍀 anon #chuuya's special someone event #nakahara chuuya #bungou stray dogs #chuuya x reader #bsd chuuya x reader #chuuya x you #bungou stray dogs imagines #bsd imagines #bsd x reader

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mushroomwillow · 27 days

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Idk the fact that it’s cheaper to buy a large order of chicken tenders for our family than to buy the ingredients to make it at home is kinda… idk sad. I just remember being super excited when I was a kid that we got to eat out because it was a special treat. Except for like, McDonalds or Taco Bell. I could scrounge up $10 in quarters and me and half my friend group would have too much food.

But now McDonald’s is too expensive. I can order 25 decently large chicken tenders for $35 at a place that would have been too expensive as a kid for my family. And that’ll last us the week. If I bought the ingredients to make that at home now it’d easily cost $50 or more.

And has anyone noticed that store bought food goes bad faster? Or am I imagining it?

But McDonald’s got expensive af? So did Taco Bell? I feel weirdly old and I’m angry that I can barely afford food now while working full time making $18hr while my fiance makes $19.32 and just rent and our cars take up almost all our paychecks. Nevermind daycare and utilities, which we had to lie to get assistance with daycare because the limit on income says we should somehow be able to afford $956 a month just for childcare.

Lamenting about how $8 an hour was insane as a teen because it meant I could afford my own phone and stay with friends working part time and still have enough to have fun. Now if it wasn’t for my in-laws paying for us to be on their phone line we couldn’t have phones.

Kind of get gen x and boomers on that one. And painfully aware and angry that we grasp that we can’t afford trips and heaven forbid missing work because my daughter needed stitches when falling at daycare. And they don’t.

Obviously I took that time off. I take off when we’re sick but only if we have a high fever, because I just cannot afford to miss work. Gas prices are going up so high that my coworkers and I are talking about carpooling over the summer, which means we have to change our availability at work.

Getting Easter stuff for my daughter cut into our grocery money. I want to cry and yell and scream because I can’t afford to miss work to go to the dr, and I can’t afford the copays anyway. My meds cost so much money I’m considering asking my dr to take me off anything that is not absolutely necessary.

Like my heart meds. Can I keep ahold of my anxiety enough to be off those meds to. How important is it that I buy the supplements because my body isn’t retaining enough to stay alive.

And like, what if my daughter gets hurt again. What if she gets sick. She’s on her dads insurance because mine is terrible. But there’s no drs out here that accept his that have any availability.

Goodwill is too expensive. Buying healthy food is too expensive. My daughter is hitting a growth spurt and I can’t afford to buy her new clothes or shoes. Can’t afford my meds. We can’t run the heat on cold nights or the ac on hot days without worrying we can’t afford the bills. My dr wants to do a sleep study because I can’t stay asleep, my nightmares are so bad that I wake up panicking but I can’t afford the sleep study. I can’t afford to miss work. Missing a week of work in November for my wedding scares the shit out of me. Idk if I’ll be able to afford to go to my daughter’s birthday because she’ll be across the country with her dad. I’m in credit card debt. Idk if I’ll ever get out of debt. I have bill collectors calling every day. I’ll be working until I either can’t walk anymore or till I die.

Idk why tf I’m going to school when even my therapist, who I can’t afford to see, says she’s struggling to pay her bills too. And she has a masters.

#mushroomwillow rambles

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hyukalyptus · 4 months

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omg hi i’m a little embarrassed to send this off anon and this might be a little long and tmi but i went to get a body scrub and massage today (bc treat yourself!!) and so i was pretty much naked the entire time except for a pair of disposable underwear

now i’m pretty ticklish so i said to avoid my stomach when doing the treatment but was ok with my bum and chest to be done. all was going pretty well until i was asked to flip over so the therapist could work on my front bc she still scrubbed my stomach area anyway!!

i got a little giggly and squirmed a bit bc it tickled and she said “oh you’ll get used to it” and tbh i did get used to it and it wasn’t so bad after a bit but i just found it kinda strange that she also gently (and i assume rhetorically??) asked “you’re a virgin, aren’t you?” bc i was sensitive/ticklish about being touched esp around my hips and pelvic area

she said it in our local language and used a euphemism so it didn’t sound nearly as blunt as it is in english and i know she wasn’t being rude or judgemental about it but i’m just a bit in shock that she clocked that i am a virgin ???? 😭

idk i guess i’m feeling a little insecure bc other people assume i must have dated a lot at my age (late 20’s) and probs have had sex before but in truth i’ve never actually been in a serious relationship and i’m demisexual so i just… didn’t really think about sex much until fairly recently (ironic bc i follow and love ur account but imo, reading about sex is completely different from me thinking about having sex myself iykwim?)

ANYWAY, i know you’ve said you’re open to talk about sex and stuff so if you’re okay with sharing, what are some things you or your partner/s have done to make you feel more comfortable with physical intimacy/sex, esp when it was your first time?

hi anon!

first, i'm so sorry someone overstepped boundaries you specifically set with them. let me know if you wanna talk about this specifically more. if ur not comfy, that's totally fine, but i hope you have someone you can talk to about this with.

and it's totally normal to be a virgin at your age! i actually have several friends that are 25+ and are virgins, for multiple reasons and all of them are valid. and i definitely understand being more comfortable reading about sex than having sex. they're two completely different things!

but yes of course! the main thing for me is communication. my partner needs to be comfortable with feedback and communication, which seems like it might be a given, but there are many people that aren't secure enough to be communicated with during sex, which is not okay. someone should be secure enough to understand and follow communication and boundaries and the minute they don't, it's okay to stop. you don't owe them anything of course!

specific things though, i like when they tell me (or ask) what they're gonna do before they do it, go slower, let me set the pace, checking in with me. that kinda thing. other things like having a discussion beforehand about limits and stuff, and ofc setting a safe word!

and then there's been times where i've wanted to stop in the middle of things and they're understanding and actually stop without making me feel weird and guilty. that makes me feel safer with them in the future. which again, may should be a given, but that's not always the case. but consent is ongoing!!

and this is none of my business, but i'd also recommend being open with a potential partner about being a virgin. i think it'd make you more comfortable! but again, that's your decision and none of my B I business.

#inbox!#anon!

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formerissa · 5 months

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there’s not a day that goes by where i don’t think about you. i think of you at night when i go to sleep. i think of you during the day when i see something that reminds me of you. i even think of you in my dreams when i’m trying to escape this whole thing.

you seem happy now. i would never jeopardize your happiness by telling you any of this. but deep down i’m fucking jealous. i can’t stop thinking about it. i want to be the one with you instead of whatever the fuck we are now. i am jealous of your boyfriend because he’s so fucking lucky to be with you. i’ve wanted that to be me since 7th grade. to be the one who is with you, calling you my girlfriend and living with you. making you happy and being what you need. but that’s not me. and at this point i am really feeling deflated that there’s any possibility left for us to be together. so i post this here, knowing there’s a tiny chance you seek this out to see what the heck i have to say. and maybe if you do look for this stupid blog i have about you, if you see this post, there’s a small chance you still feel the same. so i’ll take this small risk, but i won’t tell you how i feel. i have too much pride. i have too much love for you to ruin anymore of your life.

it was almost easier to not be friends with you. i want you in my life so bad. but whatever this is, it kinda sucks. it doesn’t feel like we’re even really friends anyway. and i wonder if the alternative of not being friends and not speaking is better for me. i know i am in a relationship and all of how i feel doesn’t mean i don’t love my gf. but she isn’t you. and i hate to say that. because i know that the person i have imagined you are in my head is different than who you probably actually are now. our relationship irl wouldn’t be what i have in my head i keep thinking it would be. and i know i have this unhealthy attachment to you because i bring you up in therapy every week and we’re finally getting somewhere. i know this is an attachment. i know i can’t get rid of you in my mind or my life. it’s hard to cope with it all. and my therapist doesn’t think that means i don’t or can’t love you too but she does think that the attachment is very one sided and continuous.

i realize the cycle that there is when it comes to you. you come into my life whenever you need something or want something. eventually something happens and you decide you need to cut it off. we don’t speak for a while, then you come back apologizing to me. it happens every time. and i forgive you every time. i almost thought it happened again tonight when i checked discord and thought you unfriended me for a minute. i got scared and realized you didn’t. so i just… idk. it still affected me the rest of the night. the cycle sucks. and i am afraid if there was any chance for us again, i would never feel secure enough to believe you won’t just leave again.

i don’t know if i can keep being your friend. that’s incredibly hard for me to say because i just want you around however i can have you if we can’t be together. but it kills me to see you happy with someone else. and not that i’m not happy that you are happy. just that it can’t be me. because i’m severely attached to you and so tangled in you that i fear if i try to pull away to take a breath i might lose you again forever.

#mkm

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taeyamayang · 1 year

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Hey hey hey! Sorry for the late reply but I FINALLY WROTE SOMETHING!! literally when you @‘d me the Ray Bradbury quote I was like “welp that’ll do it” and finished the kuroo Drabble. It’s def not my fav but it’s a start! After I wrote that I wrote a Yams story that was originally gonna be a part of a different series that I scrapped. But I really like the idea so I made it a one-shot. I really like it and am proud of it!! I just hope by the time you read this someone else besides me has read it 😅. I don’t Necessarily want it to blow up or anything but starting out as a fanfic writer is hard. How did you do it?

About the books thing growing up I lived with my grandparents and wasn’t really connected to the internet like kids my age were until like 8 (which is still v young but I grew up kinda fast so 8 was like 13 to me I guess) so I just read a lot cause we didn’t have much to do (and talking to people was hard- so books it was) besides watch the same old movies on VHS and play with Polly pockets. A lot of my toys were my aunts who was like a decade older than me as well. All of that was some of the reasons I identified a lot with the gen before me and I remember talking with my (other) aunt whose like nine years older and her friend reminiscing about when they were kids and I was like “ahh I remember those” and she’s like gIRL HOW U WERE LIKE TWO😭 fanfic has ruined actual books for me. Not saying fanfic is way better, and I still like to read actual books, but why get invested in all these new characters when you can read about the ones you already know and love? And plus it’s more convenient then actually carrying a book around.

OOH REMEMBER WHEN I TOLD YOU HOW I ALWAYS GET HIT WITH BALLS AND YOU WERE LIKE HEY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD FANFIC IDEA? well that’s not exactly how it happened but guess what! I’m writting it! I have 630 words down so far so I know it’s at least gonna hit the 1000 mark at the rate I’m going. I’m so excited for you to read it!! Also I may take you up on the editing or what’s it called Beta reading? Where people read it over and give the ok to post? I was gonna do that with the Yams one shot but I was too excited! I will absolutely keep u in mind tho, thank you!!!

And for the thing about the schools and the pillows…I CANT BELIEVE I WAS RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK??? that is so wild to me omg. Also American tv is fucking weird when it comes to sex. Like when I was in high school only a few people had sex and it wasn’t a big deal? I mean I was very introverted and wasn’t popular so I might not be the best resource but still. Maybe it’s a newer thing not to care as much about sex with a more body positive gen or wherever but I don’t really think peer pressure or anything was a big deal. Honestly? Peer pressure in general barely exists anymore. Adults were always like “say no to peer pressure” when it was just one guy offering weed or whatever and a person saying nah and that was IT. I think there was more pressure in feeling left out if anything. The media is so weird portraying teens but we gotta remember- these are old people writting and producing these shows. They also get paid to make it dramatic and not realistic.

I hope everything worked out with your ex boyfriend/boyfriend! And I totally don’t think you are ranting and if you are, shot just call me a therapist LMAO. dating is so fucking messy. Everyone expects it to be certain kind of way and they get anxious when it’s not. People gotta learn that relationship differ for everyone and it’s ok to break up and move on when you feel like things aren’t working out! There doesn’t have to be hard feelings or anything either idk why society has to make breaking up so messy- I know it can be and things don’t always end well but they can end normally and you don’t need to feel bad about doing what’s best for both of y’all. Staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel right Is just bad for both parties. Then again, I’ve never really been in a relationship and I’m still a virgin because I’m demisexual and that strong connection is vital and I’m too fucking busy with my own shit to get that. But I think what I said still stands. Bruh I’ve been reading so much fanfic and while reading I’m like “wow this shit would never happen to me and my shy ass” bUT I STILL WANT A MEET CUTE!!! but I have to remember that I’m reading about anime men who are too good to be real LMAO. I have high standards ig. Finding a partner is gonna be fun. Also I know what you mean when you said being Intimate is hard because girls are taught to always say no to sex for multiple reasons. A. Religion and purity for being a female and slut shaming and B. R*pe and sexual assault. Like I listen to too many true crime stories! I know the statistics! And people just hook up with others??? Wtf??? Idk this might just be my demisexual ass but no thank youuuu

BRO I WISH I HAD SMALL FEET! THEY DONT MAKE CUTE SHOES FOR BIG ASS FEET LIKE MINEEEE. When I was a freshman I learned about how having small feet was attractive in china and how they would bind the feet of women to have small cute feet but I never heard of small feet being lucky. I did hear about big feet meaning big- uh I assume you know where I’m going with that.

I don’t read my journal that much cuz ig makes me wanna cry but I do read it when I feel particularly down. I still have contact with Kylie (I think I called her that- since i used fake names for them both) but we don’t talk much. Sadly I don’t have Daias number which makes me so sad cuz I miss her dearly.

Ok so the murder in my town was kinda on brand for it??? OK LEMME EXPLAIN. I live in an upper middle class town with good schools and such so a lot of wealthy families move here. Some areas of this town are more fancy than others (the farther away from downtown you are- i happen to live pretty close to downtown but ANYWAYS) even some big celebrities mentioned wanting to move here. my town has a pretty uppity spoiled reputation because of that. Like most of the crimes around here are from spoiled brats that get bored and do drugs or rob people. The culprit of this case was spoiled by his mother in every degree as a child and refused to be independent and when his mom cut him off he killed both of his parents and his one sister and her husband (bc the sister kept telling him and Their mom that he needs to get a life.) the sister and her husband live in the town over so technically it didn’t just happen in the town i live in (but!!! My old residental school was IN THAT TOWN! not the same area since they lived in the nice mansion part but still.) I also got lunch with my old teacher (the one with the books) and told her about the case and she original thought I was talking aBOUT A DIFFERENT MURDER! THAT HAPPENED EVEN CLOSER TO ME IN MY TOWN. she’s like “oh is it the case where the lady drowned her kids in the bathtub?” LIKE IM SORRY- WHAT??? she like “oh yeah it happened a lil while ago tho. The college bought the house and now they use it for administration or something since no one wanted to move there.” THIS IS THE SAME COLLEGE RIGHT DOWNTOWN!!! I PROBABLY WALKED PAST IT BEFORE WHEN I GOT LOST GETTING CUPCAKES. ok quick side note- my high school was downtown and we had free lunch where we can go off campus for food and I decided I wanted a cupcake from this cupcake place not that far from the school. Since I didn’t wanna be late I pulled up my old friend google maps to take me back the quickest way- THAT WAS A BAD IDEA!!!!! I ended up wayyyyy out of downtown and into this weird residental housing street soooo far away. I ended up calling my mom like “moooommmm…. I think I’m lost.” And she was like ???? “Aren’t u at school???” THEN I HAD TO SEND MY ADRESS AND SHE PICKED ME UP. I WAS SITTING ON THE SIDEWALK ALL ALONE AND SAD. I WAS LIKE 16!!! my mom wasn’t even mad LMAO. She just sighed and told me to get in. It was a good cupcake tho. ANYWAY BACK TO MURDER- apparently one of her students parents got murdered too or something like a decade ago… LET ME JUST RESTATE THAT I LIVE IN THE MOST PICKET FENCE UPPITY TOWN EVER. I know what I’m saying makes it look all shady but the town i live in is one of the safest towns in the country- let alone my state. It just goes to show a lot of shady things happen when you aren’t looking for them. A quick google search goes a looooong way if you know what I mean- hopefully that doesn’t scare you if it did I’m so sorryyyy lol.

I’ve heard a lot about some famous cases from Japan, like the one about the little girl that killed her classmate (THAT SOUNDS SO BAD OUT OF CONTEXT WTF) or the Kyoto Anime massacre and the Junko Furuta case. The last two are very interesting to me in different ways. The first because I’ve never heard of anything like that happening before and the outcome is very unique? If that is the right word and just different from other arson cases when it comes to the motive and even the aftermath is different, like the perpetrator being the first person to receive a full body artificial skin graft. And because Kyoto Animations is a very big anime company which produced movies and shows that I- a person so far away- has watched before. And the Junko Furuta case was one of the few cases that ever made me cry and stuck with me for a while (that makes me seem so cold blooded I just don’t cry often because when I do EVERYTHING comes out) - but it was some of the most gruesome shit I have ever heard. I feel like the way I’m mentioning them is kinda disrespectful but I don’t want to go into detail about them because A. It’s really depressing for a tumblr ask and B. I wouldn’t do the stories justice. You also probably know about them anyway since you also like true crime and live closer geographically but if not I heard both of these cases from the YouTuber I mentioned a few times before Elenor Neale. Junkos case is kind of similar to one that happened here about a girl named Sylvia Likens, just in terms of sheer brutality.

OK THATS ENOUGH MURDER! but I wish I lived closer to Japan, since my mom told me she’d take me there after I graduated at some point- but she needs to get on a smaller plane first since she’s never been on one and the first one she’s going on will not be the 14 hour flight to Japan. So now I’m kinda just waiting and saving up lol.

I believe you did tell me about hearing voices in your house! Very spooky indeed. One time in a different house, a doll appeared on my bed out of nowhere (apparently it was my aunts who gave me to Polly pockets so that part wasn’t that weird) but the doll had a gold necklace with a smiley face pendant with a big round nose. Everyone says they never seen it before and honestly? I believe them. I have no idea where it came from and I held it close to me (bc spooky things are cool) until my little sister got jealous and broke it smh.

OOOH IM SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR STICKER BUSINESS!!! IT SOUNDS SO COOL! I don’t play Genshin myself but my best friend does so I know some things about it. Her fav character is childe so I know zhongli and how he’s a god of some sort that childe buys everything for. I know there is a best friend duo and one of them hunts ghosts (bc my bestie said they remind her of us) and i know that childe calls everyone comrade and he’s a fatui harbringer with a little brother who thinks he is a toy maker. Oh and pimon (I think is her name) is annoying and Klee is cute and makes bombs. Oh there’s also Ito who’s like an Oni that’s a himbo and Thoma (I like him a lot. He’s cute) with the lil doggo! Your Zhongli sticker is so cute!!!

I’m also glad you take time to chat with me!! It makes me so happy whenever I get these messages. I hope you like my writting! By the time you get this my bokuto fic should be out!!!

And here! Take some cat pics as a treat!

i'm back with a communicable brain. dude, would you believe that i am building a sleigh.. a freaking life sized santa sleigh for christmas?? it's for community competition and i was tasked to build a sleigh and 9 reindeers. ugh, it's fun but very tiring i might be able to show you the sleigh the next time i write to you.

i read feline antics and kuroo in your fic is canon!! omg lol and when you mentioned about yams fic i was like "wait...why is the fic not on my dash (considering that i have few mutuals/following)." then it turns out I DIDN'T FOLLOW YOU?? WHAT THE HECK i swear i thought i did last time i read feline antics but my pea brain forgot or thought i did (i'm very forgetful if you hadn't catch on yet. might as well name myself dori ffs) anyway, so i followed you and saw your yams fic and holy shit??? 6k?? DUDE 6K?? woah, i am so so proud of you because i remember you mentioned to me before that you couldn't write anything/one shots because you always tend to drop them off or left them unfinishes bUT 6K?? DAAAMN. i really like the way you portrayed yamaguchi's anxiety because it's raw, heartfelt in a way that i could feel his worries through your writing. i'm sorry if this entire paragraph is a commentary about your recent works gsmsbsns lol and about beta reading... ARE YOU SURE?? ME?? WHAT AM I?? kidding but i'm always down maybe we can talk over it on discord if you have one (i rarely open my dms here bc opening dms means opening notifications and if im not in the right mood to check notifs i tend to forget to reply to comments, ask games, etc. aghh you know that gsnsbs)

how i started out as a fic writer is not actually a plan lmao after watching haikyuu i reopened my dying tumblr blog bc i know that great artists thrive here so i wanted to check out artworks of haikyuu. then, i saw that a number of blogs writes for haikyuu and i was like "wow fics are still a thing here on tumblr, huh." then i tried writing my own and took my tendency to daydream about my fixations to my advantage. i love thinking about how these set of characters react to a situation (this prolly the reason why i took up psychology as a major lol i love observing people and their personality and behavior) then out of whim i posted. not really thinking of numbers or feedbacks, i posted bc i know that only a few people will get to see it so there are less judgments on me since i'm a beginner writer on this platform. then, as i kept posting more and more people came to my blog. and although now, i still am not a huge blog, it's always good to keep a mindset that you're writing for yourself (tho numbers are rewarding, we get that) and that the people who read your works doesn't know you. you can't be judged based on your writing bc that's just one side of who you are and it also comforts me to think that there people who genuinely enjoy my work. i'll be lying if i say that there are no times where my priorities lean towards writing for my audience. i did at one point but ended on a writer's block lol. if you keep it that way you'll end up burntout (this happened to me too before heh). so, in short, i started writing just because i can and i didn't really thought about the negative things people will think of me, i just did bc i enjoyed it. also, i think consistency plays a huge role in thisㅡnot only to keep people engaged but also to keep writing as a habit. if you make it a habit, your writing gets better and better. that's just based on my experience lol. alsooo tho one year of writing here is still a short-time, i have never encountered anyone calling me a shitty writer and to stop writing because my words are useless and childish LOL what i'm trying to say is worries about people judging you and your work doesn't happen often and if that ever happens, they're the problem, never yours. so yeah i keep that in mind too. AND if that ever happens to you, i'll be on the frontline defending you. leave the roasting to me lol.

about the tv shows and sex (i feel like i have to at least give a topic beforeni start a paragraph bc i reply SO LATE that i feel like you might have forgotten what we were talking about) i agree! it's more of the pressure of being left out. one is pressured to hangout after school because of the fear of not being included in a group. tho i was peer pressure to kiss someone in class for fun but i was like "uhm, nope!" so i made a petty (i think wise *wink*) excuse of going to the comfort room first before doing it but what i did was i went straight home without telling anyone. i am not doing that for their entertainment lol 💀and that's cool kids for you 💀

OH! ex boyfriend... uh.. it's a girlfriend 🤣 everything worked well so thanks! we broke up lmaooooo welp it's for the best. im onto finding a better match i guess lol bruuhh i get the strong connection but besides that i also want someone to balance me out. i'm literally just a speck of dust sometimes, you know floating and minding my own business aka my fixations and hobbies in life. kudos to you tho! you give spot on advice. i mean having zero experience is okay when you give out relationship advices bc to me i think that's a fresh perspective.

yeah, small feet are lucky. small faces are pretty. button noses are pretty. small curvy lips are pretty. everything has to be small to be lucky or pretty but eyes... IT HAS TO HUGE AND DOE-LIKE i swear to fucking god the beauty standard here is ridiculous tho people my age dont usuallu give a fuck about it lol but the older generations OH THEY DO but that doesnt matter we were taught to respect elders and their opinions (as part of our culture) but that doesn't mean we will up to their unrealistic expectations. oh just to mention to you! when i was a kid i was pretty active. i play outside a lot and i love ride my bicycle and do races with my friends. one time my aunt (my father's sister) warned me of not "playing too much" bc my calves will develop man like muscles and it's not a good for a girl to have calf muscles because if i wear a dress and heeled shoes it will show. i was i think 8 or 9 and i was like... sOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT so i went to my mom and told her about it and she was like "what?! she told you that?! that's an exaggeration! just keep cycling or running, don't mind her." (my mom doesnt really care about physical looks whereas my aunts-dad side CARE A LOT) they don't even like women wearing clothes that are too revealing so what i did was i wore a tube on a relative's birthday party. they cant call me out bc they know my dad doesnt care (he even buys me cropped tops) and my mom too. anyway, so yes small ankles and calves are a thing too. IT'S RIDICULOUS I SWEAR.

oh god the murders in your town?? THAT SOUNDS LIKE FROM AMERICAN HORROR STORY OR SMTH. is it not weird that the college bought where the murder took place? like if i were to study there i'll be thinking about it a lot... actually... that sounds a bit like my uni... not exactly my uni but the place where my uni sits. so my country was under a colony before (war times and all that) and the city where my uni is the main city where the locals and foreigners interacted during 1800s and since the woke locals are against the colonization, a lot of them were shot, killed, and thrown to the nearby river. and if you take a few strides from my uni there's like an underground tunnel recently discovered that turned into a tourist spot. it's downright creepy because the way down to the tunnel and the tunnel itself is sketchy tight, the way/tunnel leads to a huge boxed underground like a deadend. my friends and i went afterclass and when we reached the dead end we looked up and see like a railing(?) idk how to describe it but other tourists were shock that people are piling underground and they can see us. apparently, that hole used to be a prison for locals who fought for our freedom (and other criminals too) they were kept and stuck undergound, left them there to die (die of starvation and stuff). it was creepy bc i was literally standing where almost hundreds of people died and i didn't know. we only knew of it when we reached the dead end. as it turns out, there are many other tunnels with the same structure near the place. sooo yeah.

omg speaking of the two japanese murders you mentioned i dont know about them so ill check it out!! and about your cupcake incident OMG THATS SO CUTE WTH IM SORRY FOR LAUGHIN but i just think its adorable that you ended up lost for a good cupcake. cant blame you tho i loveee a good cupcake. where you able to get back in class without an earful?

ahhhh i live near japan but i can't fly there yet bc of school (but since i graduated who knows heh). you know how crazy asian schools are? yes, they're crazy. so my family and i barely have time to travel outside of the country without taking a week off from school. we traveled once before to two countries it was hongkong and vietnam but i had to file a one week leave (it was tedious with all the papers i have to submit and all that ugh) and thank god that one week is just school festival week so i didnt miss anything besides the fun. that was in elementary but came middle school and high school.. heckkk after class study sessions is real like the one in anime especially if you're a senior. i remember my mom's friend being a math teacher so every summer i go to their place to train my skills in math and i'm begging my mom not to drop me off to their place 💀 imagine spending summer solving math problems HA! still, i'm never the best in math lol

thanks for the wishes i hope to launch my sticker shop soon apparently i hae forgotten my skills on photoshop HA HA HA and i'm trying to recall my lessons on it BUT FUCKKK anyway you a lot for someone who doesnt play genshin if you ever plan on playing it soon let me know!! i would love to know (its funny how you mentioned almost all daddies of genshin bc saaaame ughh childe supreme sugardaddy and a meme)

here are some haikyuu stickers i made recently it isnt final yet butttt here have a look!

WHY ARE YOUR CATS SO PHOTOGENIC?? THEYRE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL AND SOOO CALMING TO LOOK AT!! THATS UNFAIR bc momo knows when a cam is pointed at her and she just runs away. and the huge pikachu too!! I WANT THAT AAAHHH

here have momo sitting on the sleigh im working on hehe

sorry for the long wait but i lovee writing to you whenever i receive a message from you i get all excited! you're a good communicator and thanks for waiting for my replies since i take eons to do so. i hope you keep writing!! i'll always be here to support a friend and a fellow writer. cheers!

#myve.😺#pea.asks

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