#idk what else to say its just irritating and i hate watching the gang be mean to eachother djgjsjfj | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mariaiscrafting · 3 years

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You know, what think I like when you are critical of a content creator is that you know how to separate a fact from especulation, unlike a blog out there that took especulation as facts.

Example, that night when we were critical of Karl, or any instance you have discussed about him, a lot of anons were saying that he gave them clout chaser vibes to them, and despite your opinion, you expressed that those were only especulation and not the truth, and to keep that in mind. That's good critical thinking.

But this blog had some similar anons, saying that he only is friends with the Feral Boys gro clout- In fact, they said the Feral Boys were only in it to benefit from clout and money. And they took it as a truth. I know you instance on them is neutral, but come one, they are friends. All of them. Karl isn't friends with them for clout. Like today Karl was playing golf with salad gang plus Sapnap and George at first and then Quackity and Dream joined bc they had spared time and it all devolved into typical chaos (Poor Corpse and Tina and Brook, had to endure those children lol/lh /j). Like, the stream wasn't planned with the 5/5 yet they joined, missing Karl and just having fun.

Idk, I guess that blog's superiority (They were a SBI focused blog) just irritated me. It's as if they were putting both groups at each other as if those streamers aren't friends or close. They were singing prayers of one while shunning the other based from especulation. Criticissism is fine, in fact recommended to be critical of your interests, but taking rumors as facts to base your crit is yikes. It's as if I wanted to crit SBI and base it only of "Philza hanging only with people younger than him is kinda weird ngl.." or "Sbi doesn't care about Tommy cuz he joined late" like that dumb Tumblr post did or some fuckers in Twitter imply.

The main reason I take so much care to separate speculation from evidence-backed theories and confirmed truths is because I feel like that separation is what distinguishes us from mcyttwt the most. One of the main reasons for mcyttwt's toxicity, imo - for its relentless cancelling of everyone, for its bandwagon campaigns - is that people oftentimes criticize and defend based on their personal feelings rather than rationale or evidence.

For example, I complain a lot about Dream stans on here, but you know the reason I didn't stop watching Dream directly after the cheating scandal broke loose, even though I thought he cheated? Because of mcytblr Dream stans. Mcytblr Dream stans engaged with me in discussion, both publicly and in DMs, about the cheating scandal, and even those who eventually came to the conclusion that Dream didn't cheat accepted the facts and statistics they were given and kept a healthy skepticism throughout the process. On Twitter, Dream stans were defending him before he even made a video following up to the mods' initial accusations because they felt that Dream wasn't the kind of guy to lie or cheat. They were replying to screenshots of statistical analyses from subreddits and to articles from mathematicians and staticians with extremely reactionary responses because of that feeling, which they believed in so adamantly, they had accepted it as fact. The thing is, to believe that Dream didn't cheat in the face of all the statistical and rhetorical evidence to the contrary is, in itself, speculative. Usually we think of speculation as a baseless theory that something is a positive truth- that is to say, that something did happen. But speculation also applies to those theories of someone not having done something, when the opposite has been nearly proven to be true.

For this same reason, I chose not to ignore the anti-technotwt threads with screenshots of Techno's old tweets in them. For me to have simply ignored these screenshots and continued supposing that Techno never expressed bigoted beliefs and/or currently doesn't would have been speculative on my part, and to boot, blatantly wrong, given the evidence to the contrary.

People in this fandom, and in all RPF/RPF-adjacent fandoms need to understand that almost everything they believe about the CCs they watch is speculative, at least to some extent, because of the nature of the content they make. Even if someone, in your opinion, displays evidence of some aspect of their personality - whether that be some form of bigoted, sweet, rude, clout-chasing, or anything else - because of the extremely one-sided nature of sharing one's life through a screen, that theory of ours will almost alwyas only ever be speculation, not a solid conclusion that can be drawn. We will never know these people's true intentions behind something shared to us via the Internet.

That vagueness leads to virtually every viewer creating a different theory in our heads about the CCs we watch, and we can't treat those theories as facts, especially not when sharing them with the rest of a fandom. I'm not a very big blog, but I consider even over 50 followers to be way too many people to spread a theory too, without at least clarifying that what I'm posting is speculation. If I have evidence, I like to list it or, if I can, provide sources; but otherwise, I take care to qualify most things with phrases or disclaimers that will clue followers into the speculative nature of whatever it is I'm saying. This is because theories and "feelings" can blaze through a fandom like wildfire, especially somewhere like Twitter, where so many things are word-of-mouth or based on summary due to character limitation.

You know why mcyttwt was cancelling Andi? Only a handful of original Tweeters under the cancel Andi hashtags actually knew what clips or tweets to criticize her for, or tried to elaborate on that criticism. But because every other mcyttwt user was getting bombarded by their mutuals hate-posting about Andi on their TLs, the "negative feeling" towards Andi grew and grew, even if most people didn't even know what they were supposed to feel negative about, exactly. Our judgement works on a quick trigger on the Internet because of the amount of information we're receiving, and so, even a single bad word against someone you don't have too strong of an opinion on can fundamentally alter your perception of them, usually subconsciously. If the first thing you see about Andi, who you've only seen on a couple LOH's or a couple Punz streams before then, is a tweet along the lines of, "disappointed in Andi for her homophobia and joking about suicide," despite you having no context, you will most likely be pushed to the negative side of her. Thus begins the cycle of hatred, building up and up, leading to you searching for more and more criticism about Andi, whether speculative or not, until you solidly and genuinely believe she is a Horrible Person. It all starts with the vaguest fucking feeling, because that's all speculation has to go off of, and it snowballs into a fucking wildfire across an entire fandom. I'm not about to be another person to let feelings snowball and spread like that.

Now, I don't know what exact blog you're referring to, but as an adamant SBI enthusiast, let me flip the argument many SBI stans have for their speculation upon the genuity of Karl's friendship with the Feral Bois, onto SBI. What do we have to go off of for the genuity of SBI's friendship, anyways? Our perceived brother dynamic between Tommy and Wilbur could very well just be Tommy capitalizing on Wilbur's brand and continuing the charade until now because it's been profitable. Maybe Techno only continues to associate with SBI because he knows how much his fanbase likes headcanon'ing about SBI, so he puts up with streams with them so he can continue to feed his fanbase with dynamics he knows they're obsessed with. Maybe Phil would rather play MC with people his age, and actually dislikes that he's friends with a teenager, but sticks around because he profitted so much off of Dream SMP and SBI-related content. And what could any SBI stan have to argue with me on any of these theories? Just because SBI laughs around each other and seems fond of each other doesn't mean they're actually like that behind the cameras. They so seldomly stream or make videos together anymore, anyways, so maybe they've grown tired of keeping up the dynamic.

Everything I said could be interpreted as utter bullshit, and that's because it fucking is. I don't actually know what Techno wants to do with his life, or how Wilbur and Tommy actually feel about each other, or who Phil wants to fucking befriend. The same goes for Feral Boys. There's nothing wrong with stating your theories or speculation, but to treat them as fact or not at least qualify such posts with the fact that this is all based on your bias and opinion, and no substantive evidence, is irresponsible. Just because you feel like one or more of the Feral Boys is "clout-chasing" doesn't mean you have the right to tout that feeling as truth. I feel a lot of things about a lot of CCs, both negative and positive, but no matter how strong my feelings, unless they have substantive evidence backing them up, I have no right to treat them as facts with my followers.

#anyways this kinda went everywhere but oh well #discourse #fandom critical #karl jacobs #feral boys #mcyt #asks #uhhh yeah this isnt neg to any cc just to the way fandom will treat them

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projectshadovv · 3 years

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Thoughts on shadamy? Or how you see the potential behind their dynamic? 🥺👉👈

gosh i havent thought that much about shadamy in awhile!! i was REALLLLY into it tho, just as much as i was into sonamy, like i honestly couldnt decide which i liked more.

(under read more cause once again i am Just Talk Talk Talk)

obviously now sonshadamy is the way

but ok well, i think i ship them more platonically firstofall (tho im not against romantically, we just haven't seen them together that many times? i would LOOOVE more interaction with them) and she'd be really good for helping him open up more about his thoughts and feelings, encourage him to be kind and thoughtful. people like to say that Sonic is a lot like Maria, and maybe they are similar!- Maria never got the chance to be adventurous or active though, and in SA2, Amy clearly reminded Shadow of Maria just as he was about to watch Earth be destroyed. She reminded and showed Shadow the actual meaning in Maria's words, what she wanted for Shadow and thats how he was able to save the world.

Amy's a really 'get into her feelings' kind of person and i can see her and Shadow having a few arguements and disagreements and lack of communication and understanding between them. It would def be really rocky at first (while Sonic on the other hand, just *understands* Shadow and leaves him be if needed, or confronts him directly and straight to the point). It would take a long time for Amy to really understand Shadow who's a closed door, and Amy's a open book and maybe that scares Shadow. He doesnt understand someone like her, who is so selfless and kind and lends a helping hand to anyone in need, and maybe he hates being on the other hand of that dynamic- he sees it as being weak, and Amy could teach him that theres bravery in kindness.

On a happier note tho, some activities i can see them enjoying together. Clearly Amy cant keep up with him in combat or speed, but she has a good endurance, and i can see her taking him out shopping or to local game arcades, or maybe help him with gardening. he grumbles and complains at the thought of being around people and doesnt like the center of attention but i think he'd think the experience is worth it

In battle, he'd be pretty annoyingly worried about Amy, she's not as strong or skilled as him and Sonic, or as elusive and cunning as Rouge- and you know, he wouldnt wanna lose someone close to him a second time, so he'd prob jump in front of Amy all the time and Amy would get soooo pissed off at him and theyd just get into a yelling match in the middle of the battlefield and everyone else is just face palming and its sooo awkward for everyone.

Finally, sonic who's known amy like his whole life, assures Shadow that shes more than capable of taking care of herself. Yes she was the damsel in distress in the past, but she's gotten stronger, not only for her friends but for herself and he's seen the improvement. it takes a lot of convincing to calm Shadow and so maybe he tries to work together more as a team with her. He's not used to that, so he'll still mess up and still try to get the most enemies defeated, but thats because he wants all the glory. it's still kinda annoying to Amy but he's trying i suppose!

Or maybe I'm giving Shadow too much credit, maybe he leaves Amy by herself TOO much, leaves her to fend for himself, refuses to work as a coordinated team. He's always worked alone, and when he doesn't its with Rouge, and its more like theyre fighting alone but together- if that makes sense. This irritates Amy cause 'arent we friends? friends look out for each other' and he'd be like, ive always been able to look out for myself' and she'll say 'yes but not all of us are Ultimate Lifeforms like you. What's all your power and strength for if not used to protect those who need you?' and once again she reminds him of Maria's promise. She's really good at humbling him and gently or harshly putting him back in his place depending on whats going on.

Amy of course finds herself stumped from time to time and goes to Rouge a lot for advice, to which Rouge is happy to help but says sometimes its best to leave things alone as she's learned to do when it comes to Shadow. Rouge is kinda relived too, now that Amy's trying to take over as some sort of caretaker for Shadow. Takes some of the stress out of the older girl's hair. Amy can't leave things alone though and just pushes and pushes Shadow until he snaps at her and lets her have it. It sucks but at least he's communicating. Again, Amys not one to back down and tells him that what he does hurts her and his friends. Shadow grumbles that he doesnt care but he doooes when it comes to Rouge and Amy, and eventually learns that to have the girls stop pestering him is to just *tell them* what hes thinking or feeling. He learns its just easier to do that than have them bothering him for days and days.

this is a lot of "amy makes shadow a better guy" so let me think of how Shadow helps Amy for once, okay so obvs i think he'd be up to sparring with her on a lower level to help her advance her skills. She becomes a much stronger fighter. Since she doesnt have the speed he or Sonic does, he teacher her to put all she has into her Piko Hammer, helps her go through rigorous training to better wield the weapon in a more convenient manner rather than just swinging her hammer around and wasting energy when it doesnt hit. He'll even rope Omega in who's more than happy to shoot a moving target. Amy will have to skillfully weave and dodge through it all, or use her hammer to block or deflect the projectiles.

I guess he'd tried to teach her to be more careful of the people she trusted, not to trust so easily and openly. But I think she'd be pretty adamant about it, after all, she trusted him pretty much as soon as she met Shadow, and when she met Omega (E 123 Gamma? sorry cant remember if theyre the same character), along with a bunch of other baddies. She's not afraid of getting hurt or being wrong or trying to be the try hard good guy, she cares more about giving second chances to those who want it. Shadow and Amy agree to disagree but its brought up when its relevant.

hopefully this is good enough?? idk the shadamy fanfics i read back in the day, Shadow was either a really emo guy in highschool or some guy in a gang or mafia, and along came amy this really preppy girl who'd bring him out of his shell and into the sunshine, until one day her life was in danger and he'd have to save her, and sonic was either the villian or some asshole jock kid who get jealous now that amy wasnt always on him, or it was shadow's dad LOL that was THE formula for shadamy fics back then.

#me: huh i dont have many thoughts #me: i am ALL THOUGHTS

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lallemcnt · 5 years

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go ahead and watch my heart burn (part four)

“When you look at him you see dark night opening, giving way to dawn.”

— Ibn Said al-Maghribi

“Talk to me.”

“You shouldn’t have to reassure me all the fucking time! I’m so sick of my brain and how messed up I am!”

“You’re not messed up, Lucas.”

Lucas is perched on the arm of Eliott’s sofa, head bowed and arms shielding his body. Eliott sits on the edge of the sofa at its other end, the exasperated expression on his face mirroring Lucas’ voice. The distance between them, a sofa separating them, feels like miles upon miles, an impossible space to close. Lucas understands his frustration, he even feels sorry for him, sorry that he has to deal with Lucas when he gets like this: frustrated and insecure, when Eliott hasn’t done anything to incite these feelings, when he has been nothing but understanding, nothing but absolutely caring, nothing but a flame in the dark on the days when Lucas’ anxiety has been particularly debilitating.

He knew this was going to happen, that he would mess it up, he just didn’t know he would only have a month of being with Eliott before it all blew up in his face. Abruptly, the frustration drains from him and he is tired. He moves towards the door, stuffing his feet in his trainers and pulling on his jacket. Eliott gets to his feet, following Lucas to the door, asking in a beseeching voice, “You can’t just leave, we need to talk.”

Lucas doesn’t turn around to address him, simply opens the front door and lets out a quiet: “Let me go” before shutting the door behind him and trudging down the stairs into a chilly late summer day. His shoulders instantly hunch up and he’s blowing hot air into his hands for warmth, not sure where he’s going exactly. Going, he scoffs to himself, more like running, like the coward you are. But the knowledge of his cowardice is not enough to make him go back to Eliott and explain.

Lucas recalls a conversation they had a few days after he told Eliott about his father. When Eliott asked Lucas about his anxiety and how it affected him. He didn’t push Lucas to speak about it or set up some kind of intervention. They had been watching reruns of shitty TV at Eliott’s, as usual, eating popcorn and drinking some kind of nasty-ass beer Lucas has brought over when Eliott had asked him:

“I- Can I ask you questions about your anxiety? I’ve been reading up on it and I know I’ll need to do more, but would you…would you mind that? Because I know it is different for everyone.” His voice was tentative, his hands clenched around his beer bottle as if he was scared he had crossed an unspoken line, entering into unknown territory.

It was completely out of the blue. Lucas wondered if this had been on Eliott’s mind the entire evening, he, himself, felt slightly uncomfortable and nervous, because talking about it never ended well, it only ever crushed his mood, his soul, leaving him disappointed. However, he knew, in his heart, that if this thing between them had any chance of survival Eliott had the prerogative to know, to decide for himself if Lucas was worth all the work, and to make this decision he needed all the facts.

Turning down the volume on the TV, Lucas had shifted to face Eliott, because he could be strong. Hadn’t all his years of quiet survival proven that? He could look Eliott in the eye when he inevitably concluded that it was all too much. That Lucas was not worth it.

“You need to understand that you can’t fix me, okay? I’m always going to be dealing with this and I want you to know that I won’t blame you or hate you if you decide to leave, okay? It is a lot. I know,” Pausing for breath, Lucas had taken a swig of his drink before continuing. “Sometimes I’ll get irritable for no reason, at myself and at you. I’ll be snippy. I won’t want to talk to you. When we’ve planned to go to a party or out for dinner, when the day comes round the thought of going may make me feel physically sick and I won’t want to go because I’m terrified of meeting new people or being left alone at a party with nothing to do or no one to talk to. Sometimes I’ll put off doing things and stay home for days because the idea is a lot more peaceful, comfortable and safe than going out.

“And you have to know, it won’t be your fault. I just need space sometimes. There’s something else, too. It’s hard to explain why…there are times when I think it’s because of my father, but I can be touch averse too, casual touches will annoy me and turn my mood sour. I used to be this really affectionate kid, and I still crave touch, but I also hate it at times.”

Eliott nodded thoughtfully along as Lucas spoke; being given the opportunity to explain how he feels and be heard was everything. Everything and more. More than he ever imagined he would be lucky enough to experience.

He doesn’t even know how this afternoon’s argument got heated so quickly, but when he reaches that level of frustration he can’t be talked down, no placating words can calm him, and Eliott contradicting him, telling him he wasn’t messed up made him more angry, and Lucas also knew that while his head was telling him to yell and slam the door and tell Eliott that he will never understand, that he doesn’t get it, that this will never work between them, his heart was whispering for him to get out of there, to cool off, before he said something he would regret.

He knew why Eliott was frustrated, Lucas had been closed off for the past week, refusing to confide in Eliott who had asked him several times what was going on. He was clueless, unsure if he was the problem. Lucas could have easily reassured him that it wasn’t him, but he was feeling mean and bitter. Communication. The age-old issue that tore couples apart on the daily. He knew Eliott would be struggling to understand if the issue was anxiety-related or if Lucas was just being an asshole, which he was want to be every now and then, but that only made Lucas more irate.

Walking along the Seine, Lucas kicks out at a rock and then another, physically exercising his annoyance. The thing was, deep down is wasn’t just anger he felt, it was fear and shock and insurmountable shame, and even the thought of explaining this to Eliott- it is enough to make him sink down on a bench in fatigue, because hasn’t he told enough secrets for once? Hasn’t even opened himself up to pain over and over again these last few weeks? So, seeing what Lucas saw in conjunction with someone else being worried about you and constantly asking if you are okay when you most definitely are not is too much. To be worrying about someone else’s feelings when you are consumed by your own mounting despair is enough emotional grievance to knock you out for a lifetime.

Today at 13:15

Le gang

yann: my dudes who’s up for a night of gaming at mine? bazzz: HELL YES I’M IN arthur: idk i’ve got this huge essay to get done by tomorrow arthur: and i haven’t started yet bazzz: yikes arthur: lucas!!!!!! have u done it yet?? bazzz: come on we haven’t hung out in ages bazzz: are you’ll really choosing work over spending time with ME?! yann: i have bEER arthur: bold of you to assume i’d bunk of uni work for beer bazzz: we’ve got arthur! yann: lulu! where u at? arthur: lulu! bazzz: lulu!

Lucas clicks off the chat, puts it on silent and pulls up Manon’s.

Today at 13:27

Manon

lucas: hey u around? Manon: hey!! Manon: yeah i am Manon: what are you thinking? lucas: ummm wanna go for a walk? Manon: i’d love to

After deciding where to meet, Lucas begins to stroll across one of the many bridges that cross the river. In an attempt to clear his mind of Eliott and their argument, he marvels at the beauty of his city, at all the history that these old and ornate buildings must contain; the grey water washing by them, dividing banks and creating islands. He walks by children already wrapped up in coats and hats but licking away at vanilla ice-creams. There are two men in suits locked in a heated exchange, jaws tight and eyes narrowed. A couple up ahead leans against the side of the bridge, entangled in each other’s arms, blonde hair whipping against their faces: Lucas looks away quickly at the surge in his chest. And just beyond them, he spots a red pea-coat: Manon. Dressed in woolly tights, her brown hair tied in a loose braid, she clutches a paperback book in one hand, her elbows rest on the off-white arm of the bridge, discoloured by the grim of urban life.

When they meet, Lucas falls into her outstretched arms as though this place, here, is a refuge amidst a storming sea. He doesn’t cry, but he remains there for a while. If Lucas had to describe Manon he would wax poetic about her. She’s closer to a sister to him than a friend, but then who ever said a person couldn’t be both to you?

Drawing away from each other, they smile and return to look over the bridge where Manon rests her book. Lucas observes the cover and the authors name as recognition hits and he’s turning back to Manon, incredulously, as he exclaims, “No way! What the hell? Is that the last book?”

Manon is grinning and holding it up to Lucas’ face. “Yep! Had to pre-order it and everything. Just went to pick it up from the shop, actually.”

“I can’t believe it. We waited, what, five years for it and now it’s actually here? Fuck.”

When they were twelve, there was this fantasy book series everyone was reading about magicians and vampires, empires falling and rising, quests for lost artefacts and stolen celestial swords. Suffice it to say, Lucas and Manon were obsessed; they would queue up outside the bookstore for midnight releases with Manon’s older brother and parents, they would have reading parties together on weekends, but it was also one of those series where the last book kept getting pushed back until it’s release seemed a fallacy, but after seven years, the final book was out.

Lucas grabbed the book proffered to him and scanned the cover and back, flipping the book open like a fan. The smell of newly printed pages ready to be devoured and loved was an inexplicable bliss. He placed it in reach of Manon whose back was against the bridge’s sides and face directed towards Lucas, her blue gaze is searching. He pretends to be interested in the boats disappearing beneath him, but he’s forgotten Manon can out-wait him, she has the patience of a saint. What’s more is she has always thought of Lucas as a younger brother despite their birthdays only between two weeks apart — one week, six days, two hours and 19 minutes exactly if you ask Lucas — making her infinitely more willing to spend minutes, hours in silence until he is ready to open up or can’t stand the silence so he fills it meaningless words which eventually unwinds into the deeper stuff, because Manon makes the time to be there for everyone she holds dear. Lucas is one of those lucky people, he knows that.

In this way, while the wind insists on dispelling summer in favour of autumn, as Manon waits out Lucas and the sky grows grey in alliance with the wind and the Seine leads its placid journey, winding around the city, Lucas voices what has got him all twisted up inside for the past week, the catalyst for this argument with Eliott.

“I think I saw my father last week. At uni.”

This shocks Manon. Although he isn’t directly looking at here, out of the corner of his eye he sees her blanch at his words, she turns around, standing beside him as though in solidarity, as if she would be able to protect him from what has already happened. His heart clenches at this.

“How are you feeling?” She asks.

Bringing his hand up to chew his thumb nail, Lucas shrugs, which is ridiculous because he knows how he feels, he’s been sinking in this tumult of negativity for seven fucking days.

“You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to go up to him. I wanted to look him dead in the eyes and see if he would even recognise me, to ask him how he could do what he did and claim it was love? How you can do that to someone you’re supposed to love unconditionally? What did I do exactly to make him hate me so much? What did I do? I want to know so I never do it again, so I don’t provoke that kind of behaviour-”

“Listen to me, Lucas. No,” Manon is shaking her head and holding Lucas own between her hands so he is forced to look at her while she speaks. “You did not provoke anything, you hear me? I can’t explain to you why he did what he did to you, why he hurt you. But I do know one thing for certain, and I know you’re tired of hearing me say it but I will say it forever if I have to, this is all on him, nothing you did was wrong. It was all him. All him.”

Biting down on his lip, blinks back tears. “I don’t even know why he was there, and I didn’t want it to become this big thing but Eliott caught on to my mood, I mean, how could he not? And I didn’t feel like talking about it, not after telling him about my father, my anxiety. It would’ve just been overboard for him, you know?”

“No, I don’t know. Lucas, he’s there, right? Wanting to be with you. In relationships there are times where you don’t want to say how you feel and you don’t want to express the messy shit, but Lucas, if this is going on for an extended period of time you have got to let him in. It’s unfair otherwise. You’re part of a team now.”

Lucas sighs.

“Unless he’s been an asshole and said something-”

“No! He hasn’t-”

“-because then I’ll be having words with him.”

That brings a smile to Lucas’ lips. Hearing Manon threaten someone — even thinking it sounds ridiculous in his head — is always a shock because she’s Manon, always flocking to make sure everyone is okay, wearing their coats when it’s cold, ensuring everyone has a ride home after a night out.

“No, he’s great. I’m the asshole, but what’s new, right?”

Throwing an arm around Lucas’ shoulder, easily done because they’re the same height, Manon frowns. “Just talk to him, my love. For him, for your relationship, but, most importantly, for yourself. Now, say this together with me ‘I am not an asshole’.”

Lucas rolls his eyes but Manon is serious. She begins to open her mouth and when Lucas makes no effort to join her she stops and glares, full force, at him until he obliges with another sigh.

“I am not an asshole.”

“And again.”

“I. Am. Not. An. Asshole.”

“Whoop! That is so true, Lucas. You aren’t. Alright, let’s hobble along somewhere, it’s kinda chilly out here. I think my toes are about to stop working.”

“Okay, okay.”

Linking arms, the two friends find a coffee shop to sit at, a feat on days such as this when everyone is seeking the warmth of the inside, clutching warm mugs of hot chocolate between their hands they speak of lighter things, less serious but just as important.

By the time eight o’clock rolls around, Lucas is feeling hopelessly guilty about leaving Eliott’s place that afternoon. Manon’s words play on his mind: You have got to let him in. It’s unfair otherwise. You’re part of a team now. But because he’s the king of avoidance, Lucas has agreed to go to Yann’s for a gaming night and he’s rationalised to himself that that is okay, because he hasn’t seen the boys in a while and he misses them and Eliott is probably off hanging out with Idriss and Sofiane, so he’s okay and they can speak tomorrow. It can all be sorted out tomorrow.

On his way over to Yann’s, he begins typing an apologetic text to Eliott, it screams pathetic and cheap, everything he should say in person. Cursing in frustration, Lucas deletes it all, at least he tries to and he does erase most of it but his thumb slips onto the send button in his frustration.

Today 20:04

eliott

lucas: i’m

FUCK.

He shoves his phone into the front pocket of his grey hoodie, and of course this happened, he really can’t catch a break can he?

He gets no response. Radio silence. Hopefully hanging with le gang will be distraction enough.

For the first hour Lucas is caught up in the fervor of his friends’ excitement about a new season of a TV show about a family gang in Birmingham, England on netflix. They settle on Yann’s sofa, pulling up beanbags and lazy-boys to rest their feet on; despite their apparent enthusiasm they talk through the entirety of the first episode, making poor imitations of the Birmingham accent, Baz laments about how attractive the leading male is and Lucas can’t do anything but agree.

As the night goes by, however, Lucas becomes restless, he plays one game with Yann and then a team game with Arthur and Basile. He drinks flat coca-cola and chooses the music they listen to, but there, in the background of everything is Eliott’s face when Lucas left. When he is choosing the next song to play he thinks back to the many nights when they would talk on the phone before bed and Eliott would play Lucas the piano music he had grown to love, sometimes falling asleep to it, lulled by tender notes and impossibly smooth melodies. He should be there. With Eliott.

So he leaves, apologising profusely, promising to meet them at lunch on Monday, his mouth agreeing to anything while his one-track mind retains its steady focus on one boy. He is running in the dark, the sky jet-black where weeks ago the sunset was only beginning be set. Impossibly, a few stars peak through the light-pollution endemic to most cities and the moon is there, coaxing him on his way, as if to say hurry hurry you’re almost there. Out of breath and surely sweating Lucas does not stop. He doesn’t text Eliott; he will wait outside his place until he comes home, he will wait forever if that is what it takes.

Lucas is anxious now. He presses the buzzer for Eliott’s door, hoping against hope that he will be forgiven for walking out.

“Hello?”

“It’s me. Lucas.”

Silence.

Lucas is there on the steps, panting from his run, his heart galloping in his chest for more than one reason he can count. It feels like an eternity before he hears the tell-tale sound of the front door buzzing and he’s pushing it open, climbing up the stairs to Eliott’s door. It is down the end of the corridor, the last one on his floor, and Eliott is there, in the doorway, watching Lucas as he walks towards him and it is agony: he can feel the guilt’s full force curling in his stomach. Lucas is suddenly self-conscious, he wants the floor to swallow him up. His steps are hesitant. He stops a few feet away from Eliott. Wanting to hug him.

“Can I come in?” His words are stilted, coated in uncertainty.

“Why are you here?” Eliott looks tired.

“I want to talk.”

“Okay.” He doesn’t budge a single inch.

Looks like Lucas is going to have to do this here. In the hallway. Where any number of people can just walk by. At least Eliott hasn’t shut the door in his face.

“I’m sorry. For shutting you out, refusing to talk to you. For being mean,” At this, Eliott’s composure starts to falter, Lucas understands then that his annoyed posture was all an act, possibly an attempt to guard himself from hurt, and that nicks at his heart a little. “For walking out earlier, I should have stayed. I’m just really sick of feeling vulnerable all the time, I feel like I can’t catch a break and then I take it out on you by being cold.

“I saw my father last week, unintentionally, he was at uni and it’s the first time since he left that I’ve laid eyes on him. It brought back all the shame and humiliation. I wanted to walk up to him, like I’ve imagined doing multiple times over the years and confronting him, but all I could do was run the other way. I hate that this man still has this power over me. Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that I hurt you-”

Eliott is stepping forward and wrapping his arms around Lucas, pulling him into his apartment and holding him against the door.

“Please don’t be mad.” Lucas’ voice comes out muffled against Eliott’s chest.

“I’m not mad. The truth is I’d rather be annoyed by you than not have you at all. I want to know when you’re in pain and why. And you were, I could see it and it hurt to know you were fighting something on your own. I am so sorry, Lucas.”

“You have nothing to apologise for.”

“Remember what I told you, yeah? You are not alone.”

Lucas’ heart clenches at those words. How does Eliott think of and say things like that, so sincere like it is effortless, like it costs him nothing but the air he breathes to say them.

He pulls back from Eliott, head tilted up against the door. “You need to stop that.”

“Stop what?” Eliott cups Lucas’ face

“Saying those romantic things.”

“And you need to know that you have nothing,” He says fiercely. “To be ashamed about. You are not what happened to you. You are magnificent, and I can’t believe how lucky I am that you choose to be with me.”

“I love you.” The words slip out, Lucas widens his eyes and Eliott is laughing at Lucas’ brazenness. Simultaneously, his eyes shift and brighten, as if Lucas’ confession has changed the very colour of Eliott’s eyes, as if those three words have changed him.

A kiss, soft and tender. ”Not as much as I love you.”

Another kiss just as tender and slow, torturously slow. “Yeah, yeah. Now carry me to your bed, please.”

They stumble there, stripping off their clothes as much as they can while kissing and touching each other. As soon as Lucas hits Eliott’s bed though he is enraptured by the softness of his duvet and pillow and he sighs contentedly.

Eliott looks up from where he was kissing down Lucas’ chest and lets out a disbelievingly laugh when he sees Lucas snuggling into his pillows. He crawls up Lucas’ body until he is caging him in and looking directly down at him. Eliott, straddling Lucas’ hips now, plants a hard, searing kiss on his lips which Lucas is all too happy to reciprocate, clutching Eliott at the hips.

“You are ridiculous.”

“Ridiculously into you.” Lucas winks.

Eliott rolls over, laying his head on Lucas’ chest. “You’re tired.”

“Yeah…Your bed…Morning sex, instead?”

“Sure.”

From his position on Lucas’ chest, Eliott caresses Lucas’ lower stomach, running his fingers lightly over the skin, raising goose bumps in their wake.

Je t’aime.

Moi aussi.

#elu fic #elu #skam france #eliott demaury #lucas lallemant #mine #go ahead and watch my heart burn

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smallsushi · 4 years

Text

♡ get to know me stuff♡??

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

- my boyfriend

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

- outgoing

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

- uhh no one

4. Are you easy to get along with?

- yes i think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

- my boyfriend

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

- hopeless romantics, smarties, good at math types. geeks, gamers. kind of goofy.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

- i am in one not a very good one.. so maybe not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

- no one

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

- no unless it’s a dude

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

- Leon

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

- “come watch stream” by my boyfriend

12. What are your 5 favourite songs right now?

- i’m really into joji rn and brent faiyaz

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

- only if i like them

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

- i want to so i lowkey do

15. What good thing happened this summer?

- i made friends and some especially good ones like Z, L, Ne and D

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

- no

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

- why not? maybe woooo woo

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

- haha no never ever >__<

19. Do you like bubble baths?

- ofcourse

20. Do you like your neighbours?

- idk them

21. What are you bad habits?

- overthinking and vaping! i promise i’ll stop sometime soon~

22. Where would you like to travel?

- paris, i just want to be there some day

23. Do you have trust issues?

- yes i have been wronged by many people i would never hurt

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

- sleeping and dreaming. and ofc day dreaming in the morning. my life.. well isnt that exciting right now.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

- all of it, i’m ugly asf imo

26. What do you do when you wake up?

- lay in bed for a while and think...

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

- honestly... lighter. people always say smth abt my skin tone. my boyfriend likes lighter girls too. would help me feel better.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

- no one like completely..

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

- no i’m sure he hates me for dumping him

30. Do you ever want to get married?

- my instant thought is no, but i know if i am truly happy i would want that.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

- yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

- to me thinking abt celebs like that is weird they are like real life humans. and i haven’t found anyone incredibly sexually attractive to share fluids with thanks.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

- kjzw bro my name has 5 letters

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

- i was in basketball and gymnastics for 2 years

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

- tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

- yes, because i was too young.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

- something that makes the situation worse.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

- is it weird that my dream guy is straight out of a novel series? the guy who buys flowers, sends hand written letters, makes playlists, surprises me, has my picture in his wallet, isn’t afraid to be madly obsessed with me ok ok i’ll get out of my head now.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

- i dont have favourites but i love sephora

40. What do you want to do after high school?

- bro i want to die i’m 22

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

- umm sometimes. we are all human.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

- i’m hurt

43. Do you smile at strangers?

- sometimes if they smile at me

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

- no

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

- at this point.. i want to go to paris. i want to see paris before i die. i’m extremely suicidal but thinking about not seeing paris before i die kind of gives me hope UwU

46. What are you paranoid about?

- being lied to, or made a complete fool of.

47. Have you ever been high?

- yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?

- yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

- yes

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

- grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

- all the time

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

- i wish i could be prettier... maybe then i wouldn’t get treated like shit.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

- too faced.. always ♡

54. Favourite colour?

- pink and purple... i like pastels..

55. Favourite food?

- good ol spaghetti and meatballs with heaps of parmesan

56. Last thing you ate?

- lol coffee, i havent ate in two dayss depression gang :3

57. First thing you ate this morning?

- coffee

58. Ever been in love?

- yes

59. How many pillows do you sleep with?

- 4

60. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

- i wish i could but i dont have any stuffies atm

61. Favourite animal?

-cats

62. Favourite tv show?

umm black mirror, mr robot, bbt, you etc

63. Favourite movie?

- requiem for a dream, mr nobody, anything that blows my mind tbh

64. First person you talked to today?

- my boyfriend

65 Last person you talked to today?

- my boyfriend

66. Name a person you hate?

- dont hate anyone

67. Name a person you love?

- ig my boyfriend

68. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

- no

69. Do you regret anything from your past?

- yes

70. Do you miss anyone from your past?

- nope

71. Ever broken someone’s heart?

- yes

72. Have you ever been on a horse?

- yes and it was scary

73. Is something irritating you right now?

- a lot of things but i dont mind

74. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

- no, usually it hurts after they like me back

75. Do you have trust issues?

- lol yes

76. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

- my boyfriend

77. What was your childhood nickname?

- bubblegum was a favourite so ill say that here

78. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

- yes

79. Favourite book?

- 1984 George Orwell a big mind fuck fest

80. Are you afraid of the dark?

- yes, and even more scared when im actually with multiple people like which ones the ghost ah!

81. Are you mean?

- sometimes when im moody or angry

82. Is cheating ever okay?

- nope never

83. Do you believe in love at first sight?

- no its probably just lust

84. Do you believe in true love?

- i do because i love truly

85. Are you currently bored?

- very, life is dull atm

86. What makes you happy?

- sunshine, travelling, people watching, music, cats, anime, gaming, reading, someone loving me truly but hey lets be real~

87. Would you change your name?

- no i actually love my first name

88. What your zodiac sign?

- im a sag

89. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

- one is married, one is too pure to like me and the other one is someone i do kinda have a vibe with, either way i will stay away and tell them its wrong since i have a boyfriend.

91. Favourite lyrics right now?

- "I'm not living, I'm just killing time." - True Love Waits, Radiohead

92. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

- closed

93. How tall are you?

- 5'2

94. Curly or Straight hair?

- curly/wavy

95. What’s your favourite quote?

- "I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are" -Mewtwo

96. Do you believe in ghosts?

- noo

#journal #umm im bored

0 notes

sylvieons · 7 years

Text

Fandom meme tagged by @nyx4 and @cleoselene xoxo which took me 90 years to finish but it’s HARD OKAY thinking is hard

A: Your current OTP. Jace/Alec from Shadowhunters. Apparently this makes me problematic but I don't care

B: A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind. This is hard because if I started watching a show because of someone they typically told me their ship ahead of time and then I was looking for it. So I guess the closest I can come up with is that I lowkey ship Sephiroth/Genesis from Final Fantasy because of @nyx4 but I've never played the game

C: A pairing you wish you shipped, but just can't. Arthur/Merlin from Merlin. Everyone always went so over the top with Merthur, and I shipped it for a few seconds but I never really liked Arthur so it was hard to care.

D: What was the first thing you ever contributed to a fandom? An X-Files fanfic uploaded to Gossamer titled, embarrassingly enough, "My Immortal" to which I attached my real name. I was 14 or 15 and therefore very stupid. (I have since had this and another removed from the site, thankfully). I also handed this fic into my English teacher to read. Even more embarrassing. The plot? Mulder loved Scully but he wanted to make sure that she loved him so he tried to make her jealous and when she did act jealous he was like "lol jk" and then I went into a lot of detail on a kiss they shared (THAT MY ENGLISH TEACHER READ) and then they got engaged and then they both got shot outside of Mulder's apartment for WHATEVER REASON and died. Hence "My Immortal", because they'll be together in death.

E: Have you added anything stupid/cracky/hilarious to your fandom, if so, what? Yes, and I shall find the post I made on Livejournal so I can bring you direct to the source. It was for Legend of the Seeker, and I got the idea to Photoshop a fake Facebook post based on an episode (I forgot where I got the idea, if I saw it in another fandom or what). Anyway the result was this:

https://imgur.com/Zo5Bi6x

It spun of control and spawned an actual Facebook RP which is where I met the two people who tagged me in this and AIN'T LIFE REALLY CRAZY SOMETIMES???

F: What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? What fandom was it? The X-Files. I got into it when I was around 11 or 12 and was a pretty active member until I was 17 or 18. Which doesn't seem very long, but to be heavily into it, I feel it was. And then I came back around to it when the revival was announced, so it's been an on and off relationship.

G: What was your first fandom? The X-Files, probably, in terms of content-creating. Maybe if I'm counting things like "I pretended I was Xena a lot and I would call my friend on the phone and we’d talk about Xena" then maybe Xena: Warrior Princess

H: Do you prefer real-life TV shows or animated TV shows? Real-life, hands down. I hate animation.

I: Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why? Lol what -hasn't- Tumblr caused me to hate? Tho...you know what...I've never said it on this hellsite for fear of reprisal, but I'm going to do it. Tumblr turned me off Sansa Stark back in season 2 or so. There was so many posts where people were so aggressive about unfollowing and hating people who didn't like Sansa and it got so irritating I started to dislike Sansa by association. So congrats, Tumblr, you played yourself. Also, this site turned me off The Musketeers around season 3. So much Aramis hate, kind of soured me since I watched the show for Santiago Cabrera. And then that association soured me on Santiago, so. Thanks.

J: Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblr. I'm going to say Teen Wolf. It was all over the place when it was first airing and people either loved it or thought it was ridiculous so I started watching it finally and it was ridiculously great. But then they killed off Allison and ruined my life :)))))

K: How do you feel about the other people in your current fandom(s). I don't really know what my current fandoms are - I'm kind of really into Shadowhuters rn but not in a "making things" sort of way. Anyway, I have heard some very terrible things about this fandom so I am wary.

L: Your favorite fanartist/author gives you one request, what do you ask for? I don't read fanfic and I'm not into fanart so.

M: A person who got you into a fandom and what fandom they pulled you in to. @nyx4 again. Got me into watching Sons of Anarchy. I had tried previously and got about 10 minutes in and couldn't stand it but she said it got better so I powered through and then I was into it.

As for non-TV and movie stuff, @tsukinosusagis got me into a shitton of music and like he said a few days ago “Remember when Lights created our friendship??? ICONIC”

N: Your favorite fandom (for the people; not the thing you fangirl over). Legend of the Seeker on its Livejournal days, back in 2009 and 2010 were my favorite. Nothing on tumblr.hell is a good fandom. All of it should burn.

O: Choose a song at random, what ship does it remind you of? Lmao I'm really bad at this. I suffer trying to pick songs for ships so idk

P: Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas). SHADOWHUNTERS PIRATE AU. Also, it's not an AU, but I have a very elaborate setup in my head for an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia where the gang is convinced the bar is haunted and the name of the ep is "Paddy's Pub: The Most Haunted Bar in Philadelphia"

Q: A ship you’ve abandoned and why. Cersei/Jaime because Jaime is a rapist. Also made me stop watching GOT because I was really mostly watching for Cersei and Jaime but I didn’t wanna see Jaime anymore so

R: A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else ships. Morgana/Lancelot from Merlin. I'm sure there's a lot in the actual Arthuriana stuff that people ship, but I'm just talking about the show. I was only able to find maybe 1 gifset and 2 fics about these two. Granted, I only shipped them because SANTIAGO CABRERA AND KATIE MCGRATH so maybe nobody else cared.

S: What's a headcanon you have? I don't really have any of these.

T: What are your favorite male/male ships or female/female ships? Jace/Alec (Shadowhuters), Aramis/Porthos (The Musketeers), Red/Snow (Once Upon a Time), Rizzoli/Isles (Rizzoli & Isles), Eliot/Quentin (The Magicians), Penny/Quentin (The Magicians), Xena/Gabrielle (Xena), Mac/Dennis (It's Alway Sunny), Willow/Tara (BTVS)

U: What are your favorite male/female ships? Mulder/Scully (The X-Files), Cesare/Lucrezia (The Borgias), Richard/Nicci (Legend of the Seeker), Richard/Cara (Legend of the Seeker), Gemma/Tig (Sons of Anarchy), Mitchell/Annie (Being Human), Spike/Dru (BTVS), Jim/Pam (The Office), Jane/Michael (Jane the Virgin)

V: Do you have any 3-way ships? If so, what? Yeah, Darken Rahl/Cara/Dahlia from Legend of the Seeker. And it has to be a threeway, because any two of these characters together I don't ship but the 3 together? YES YES YES

W: 5 favorite characters from 5 different fandoms. Bo Dennis (Lost Girl) Ilithyia (Spartacus) Dana Scully (The X-Files) Quentin Coldwater (The Magicians) Gemma Teller (Sons of Anarchy)

X: 3 OTPs from 3 different fandoms. Why would ya ask me this question when you asked for my favorite ships above, bro?

But I guess

Mulder/Scully (The X-Files) Richard/Nicci (Legend of the Seeker) Jim/Pam (The Office)

Y: A fandom you’re in but have no ships from. Most of them - like even if I do have a ship, it's pretty lowkey? A lot of the above are lowkey. But I'll say Black Sails.

Z: What's a ship that you want to ship publicly, but everyone on tumblr hates it so you keep your mouth shut about it? Lol Jalec I guess? Like I'm saying it right now, but I'm not gonna go out there and go big with it because lots of annoying people out there.

#about meme

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