#ignoring the way they shot this outside dirty svu windows | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sofuckingchuffed · 6 years

Note

Soulmate AU + heroic sacrifice + Barisi

Read it on AO3

Unlike everyone else, Sonny hated the mark on his arm. He hated the idea that fate had determined when he would meet the person he should spend the rest of his life with, his soulmate. He could only be grateful it was so far in the future as he went to church and smiled and listened to talk of soulmates and God bringing people together.

More than that, he was terrified that either his soulmate would be a woman and he would feel nothing for her and be forced to live a lie, or his soulmate would be a man and he would have to finally come out to his family. He’d known he was gay for a long time, had finally accepted it with the help of his priest, but he couldn’t let his family know. The way they spoke of people like him… he couldn’t bear the thought of them knowing.

With each transfer through each borough, he grew more and more terrified that his soulmate would be a colleague and not someone completely random. He longed to cover it up, try and forget that he’d already worked out what time and date he would meet his soulmate, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew even if he tried his own family would never let him forget. His mother had had that day marked in the calendar from the moment they came home from the hospital, and though it was distant, though Sonny would be older than they would have liked, they still smiled, they still reminded him of it when he was feeling down, when another relationship failed.

His stomach churned as he walked in for his first day at Manhattan SVU, but he tried not to let it show. He thought that maybe if he just dove straight in, buried himself in work right off the bat, then he would be too busy to notice he’d met his soulmate.

It didn’t matter how many times he’d heard about the blinding flash of pain before another heart seemed to beat alongside your own, jolting and uncomfortable. It didn’t matter that he knew he was to expect a hyper-awareness of the other person, always on his mind. He was holding onto the hope that if he tried hard enough he could ignore it. He knew there had been cases of soulmates not connecting, of their timers just running out and them never having felt anything, not knowing who their soulmate was supposed to have been.

He was grateful for being thrown instantly into a case, grateful to meet all of the squad members early in the day, before his clock ticked down. And then they were off, chasing leads, racing through paperwork, meeting what felt like a million people, and it wasn’t until some time in the afternoon that Sonny realized he’d felt nothing.

He glanced down at his wrist, his clock reading a big fat zero, and he felt relief wash over him in waves. He’d done it. He’d successfully avoided his soulmate.

At that moment his phone buzzed, ‘Home’ flashing up on the screen, and dread clouded his relief as he realized he would have to explain to his family, his church, that whoever his soulmate was didn’t matter, that they had clearly rejected each other by accident, that he had been so busy on the job it could have been any number of people, victims, witnesses, perps, police. He swallowed hard and declined the call like the coward he knew he was.

That night he dreamed of their ADA, of a tan suit he could slowly remove layer by layer while the ADA smirked at him, talked dirty to him, encouraged him. He woke in a cold sweat, cursing himself for, once again, finding himself attracted to a colleague.

He couldn’t help wanting to show off and gain Barba’s attention. He was sharp and funny and rude and intelligent, and his suits fit snug in all the right places, and Sonny found himself absolutely smitten.

Except Barba seemed to hate him. Even as Barba slowly softened towards him, let him shadow on trials, offered kind words of encouragement and congratulations on passing the bar, Sonny always felt he was kept at arm's length. And maybe it was for the best.

Sonny nodded to Barba’s wrist one night while helping him go over paperwork. “Who’s the lucky woman?”

Barba frowned before glancing down at his wrist with a sigh. “I wouldn’t know.”

“Did you wanna know?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Barba snapped, but there was an underlying sadness there that told Sonny all he needed to know.

“I don’t know who mine is, either,” he said softly.

Barba looked up at him, eyes searching for a moment, and Sonny felt his stomach flip under his gaze. It was always piercing, penetrating, like Barba could see right into his soul. But this time it felt different. This time it was like Barba was truly seeing him for the first time, not looking to snark or snipe, not looking to tease or taunt, just…looking.

Sonny’s heart thudded in his chest, tongue feeling thick in his mouth. He wanted to look away, wanted to go back to what he was working on, but it was almost as though he couldn’t, and before he could think about it he was moving, sitting so close to Barba their knees touched.

Barba’s gaze softened for a second, and Sonny felt transfixed. He was hyper aware of his own heartbeat. He felt so close to giving in to what he wanted, and for the first time, he thought maybe Barba wanted that too.

The moment between them shattered at the sound of a knock at the door, and both of them sprang apart in an instant. Sonny felt his heart lodge somewhere in his throat as Benson entered Barba’s office, and he forced himself to focus on the trial papers once more, willing the heat on his face to disappear.

For the next few weeks, every time Sonny saw Barba his heart skipped a beat. There was an ache growing inside him, a desperate need for release he couldn’t get, building and building, and he was sure one day he would snap.

He dreamed of Barba almost constantly, always waking with a buzzing headache that faded by the time he got to work.

“Barba,” he shouted, running to catch up as Barba beelined for the elevator.

“Detective,” Barba muttered with a small smile, barely glancing up at him.

Sonny had a plan. He figured if he just got it out of his system, slept with Barba, maybe he could finally let him go. He wasn’t sure it would work, but it was all he had.

“Was, er, wondering if you wanted to grab a drink after work?” He rubbed the back of his neck as he felt his face grow hot.

“A drink after work,” Barba repeated back to him, looking at him properly. He smirked, eyes raking up and down Sonny’s body before settling on his face. “Okay.”

“You...really?”

“Why not?” Sonny was sure Barba was teasing him, and he felt his face grow hotter. “Forlini’s, 8pm.”

“It’s a date,” Sonny said before he could stop himself, internally cringing at his choice of words.

As his shift ticked to a close, Sonny considered canceling, saying he had to pull overtime, or that he was simply too tired. The buzzing was back, vibrating the base of his skull, growing with intensity. He knew this was a stupid idea, knew it would be insane to sleep with a colleague, especially one he worked so closely with. And if Barba rejected him, if Barba wasn’t interested, then Sonny would be back at square one anyway, having been humiliated for his efforts.

He had just been about to send off an apology when the man himself strode into the office, stopping by Sonny’s desk.

“I had to see Liv,” Barba said softly, leaning into Sonny’s space almost conspiratorially. “I thought we could leave together if that works for you?”

“I still have another 40 minutes left of my shift,” he protested weakly.

“I’m sure you’ll be the one waiting for me, Detective. I’ll be a while.”

Before he could protest, Barba tapped his desk and strode off, leaving Sonny gaping after him, heart pounding almost painfully in his chest. He couldn’t deny his excitement, though. Underneath all the fear and uncertainty and dread, there was now a thrumming anticipation, a knowledge thay Barba was actually looking forward to this.

Time ticked by painfully slowly as Sonny finished off his paperwork and waited for Barba, but eventually, he strode out of Benson’s office, expression unreadable.

“Walk you out, Counselor?” He asked with a grin, and Barba returned it with a tired but genuine smile.

As they stepped outside Sonny was hit by a sudden pang in his chest, fear blooming behid his ribs, though he couldn’t, for the life of him, work out why. It was as though everything had slowed down around him.

“Are you okay?” Barba’s voice sounded distant and far away, like his ears had been stuffed with cotton.

He could hear the deep rumble of a car headed towards them, could hear muttering, the click of a gun as the window wound down.

Sonny’s heart leaped to his throat, panic engulfing him as, in slow motion, the gun aimed right at Barba, who was completely oblivious, looking at Sonny with concern.

“Get down,” he heard himself shout, and the world sped up again, rushing back into full focus as he lunged at Barba.

A searing pain filled his head, his vision whiting out completely, and for a moment he felt sure he was going to die. His heart seemed to stutter in his chest, beating an impossible rhythm, and he felt choked by it.

“Sonny,” a voice called, somewhere beside his head, and he forced his eyes open.

Barba was beneath him, looking pale and panicked, hands running over Sonny’s body like his life depended on it. Sonny groaned, heart still beating erratically, and tried to lift himself up.

“No, no, no, don’t move,” Barba muttered, pulling him close. “Don’t move. You’re gonna be okay.”

Sonny frowned, ready to ask Barba what he meant, but then Barba pressed firmly on his side, and he felt another flash of pain, different to the one he’d felt before, and he became distantly aware that he’d been shot,not in the head, but in his side, as a wetness spread across his shirt under Barba’s hand.

“You’re okay,” Barba whispered, but his voice shook and his eyes were full of tears, and Sonny was sure he’d never seen that look on Barba’s face before.

“‘Course I am,” he croaked out, but he could feel his body growing tired, resting his weight more and more on top of Barba.

He tried to focus on breathing, on the beat of his heart, but it still felt off, too slow and too fast at the same time, and as hands grabbed him, pulling him onto a stretcher, the last thing he saw was Barba’s tear-stained face, and then the world faded to black.

Sonny blinked awake to the sound of beeping, eyes adjusting to the blinding white around him. He shifted a little, groaning at the pull in his side.

“Hey, don’t move,” Barba whispered from beside him, and Sonny turned to look, confused.

“What are you doing here?” He croaked out.

“You’re an idiot,” Barba muttered, but there was no bite to his words. He just looked exhausted and pale, and Sonny’s heart clenched.

It was then that he became aware of his heartbeat, still unfamiliar and wrong somehow, and panic slowly clawed its way up his throat.

“You feel it too?” Barba whispered, placing his hand over Sonny’s heart.

It was then that it dawned on him that it wasn’t his heart beating strangely, it was simply that there were two hearts beating alongside each other. He took a moment, swallowing hard before nodding, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at Barba.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, turning his face away.

Barba sighed, removing his hand, and Sonny wanted to reach out and grab it, pull it back, hold it tight, but he didn’t dare. They were quiet for a moment, and Sonny tried to find solace in the steady thrum of Barba’s heart, just a little out of time with his own.

“I won’t pretend to understand,” Barba said slowly, quietly. “I’m sure you have your reasons for rejecting me, but—“

“I wouldn’t if I’d known,” Sonny blurted out, surprised by his own words. “I’m sure I fell for you from the moment I met you.”

“Then why—“

“I was scared. I so desperately didn’t want to know who my soulmate was that I unconsciously rejected you.” Sonny paused, taking a deep breath before forcing himself to look at Barba. “I’m not sure I wouldn’t have even if I knew it was you.”

Barba schooled his expression, and Sonny was sure he could physically see the walls going up. He reached for Barba’s hand, needing him to understand.

“I’m glad it’s you,” he whispered.

“It took getting shot for you to want me,” Barba muttered, but took Sonny’s hand anyway. “I’m not sure that’s want, so much as fear.”

Sonny shook his head, wincing as the motion jostled his body. “I’ve been dreaming about you for months. I can’t get you out of my head. I chose you before I knew the universe had chosen you for me. I asked you out, remember?”

Barba’s lips twitched up in a small smile and he lowered his head. “So that was a date?”

Sonny snorted. “Really? The great Rafael Barba can’t tell when someone’s asking him out on a date?”

Barba was silent for a moment, thumb brushing Sonny’s hand lightly as he thought.

“I felt the same,” he whispered after a while. “At first I hated you. For absolutely no reason. Maybe it was my soul’s reaction to rejection. But over time you...ever since that night in my office, our almost moment, I thought about the potentials.”

Sonny squeezed Barba’s hand, willing him to look up, but he didn’t.

“I never thought you’d want that,” Barba admitted. “Good little Catholic like yourself.”

Sonny’s stomach seemed to bottom out at that, reality setting in, and he squeezed Barba’s hand again. “It’s not ideal,” he acknowledged. “But we’ll work it out.”

Barba finally looked up again, searching Sonny’s face before pressing a soft kiss to Sonny’s forehead. “We’ll work it out,” he agreed.

Like my work? Buy me a Ko-Fi

#barisi #rafael barba #sonny carisi #barba x carisi #soulmate au #law and order svu #fanfiction #my writing #prompts #drabbles #lmao this ain't no drabble #this got way too long but oh well #jezzaslew

35 notes · View notes