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justmikerrss · 4 years

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to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 5 years

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Animal Instinct + Dead Disco | Writing Update

Hey People of Earth!

We’re back with another Moth Work update because ya girl has finished two chapters and is here to spill all the tea! If you missed update one, and two, be sure to check them out before reading this one! I’ve been having a bit of cabin fever with this project lately which has made it difficult to really immerse myself into the project. But we’re almost at the 20k mark of this project which is wILD! I never imagined writing so much of this story (which was initially just a guilty pleasure) and I’m happy with how much I’ve learned about my characters just through this small detour in the series.

The first chapter I’ll be updating on is chapter four, ANIMAL INSTINCT.

This chapter was a giant pain to finish! It had about 5000 revisions mid-draft, and I definitely feel like I had blinkers on when writing it. Because of that, I lost sight of the big picture and really got stuck on the little things, like the writing and overall quality of the project. This was not actually the purpose of Moth Work--it was supposed to be a dumping ground for whatever. However, in this chapter, I became really hyperfocused on all the small details I disliked which made drafting it a month-long process. I’ve now come to a slightly healthier place with quality in this draft, and found a middle ground between trash-dumping and nitpicking.

What’s it about?

Animal Instinct is a major point of tension for Lonan and Harrison as their goals deviate. This chapter focuses heavily on the volatility of their relationship and highlights Lonan’s current irrational mental state. The title stems from this idea of calculated action for the sake of a single person’s benefit.

The writing bit:

I struggled to write this chapter quite a bit. It took me the majority of July to complete because of a major logic problem I kept running into. After struggling for a few days, I finally realized by fleshing out what I’d written initially, I could overwrite the logic problem. The solution took a lot of work/test scenes to figure out, but eventually I got it!

Excerpts:

I shared this excerpt before because it’s one of the only paragraphs I don’t mind in this chapter! I think the flow is a lil funky but I dig the concept! This outlines the last bits of the cabin, specifically Harrison’s final check around the perimeter.

Around the corner, the back patio is static—like Anna and her son never stopped sitting there. Her bowl of avocado and Greek yogurt—the holistic remedy Emily said would make her glow like an angel—sits gummy and pestered with flies. One of Milo’s toys is wedged under the cheap lawn chair. It haunts him, seeing them while not seeing them, but he leaves everything like it is. Anna and her son will always remain on the patio, Anna with her cheekbones splayed for the moon, Milo babbling mildly about his father like he hasn’t made the connection. They’ve gone invisible.

After this first scene, Harrison does some driving in the dark which gives me major book three vibes lol, and eventually pulls into a motel somewhere in Nevada. This route from Oregon to Boston makes no sense but I conveniently needed Lonan to end up in Vegas, so!! do it for Vegas!!

In the motel, Harrison meets Jeremiah, his potential new man lol. Harrison is focused on getting in and out of there as quickly as possible, but he’s like dang mans teeth are the straightest I ever did see (me too tho). Because he gets distracted, he fails to notice his car turn off, and only makes the connection after passing it a few times in the parking lot. He minorly paniques as he looks for Lonan, but eventually finds him around the building.

The scene that follows gets volatile as heck, and really showcases how similar Lonan and Reeve are? Like dang that whole family tho? (Can I join?)

I’m not going to share much of this scene because she gets dramatic, but this is the wildest dialogue I’ve written in a while and I think I’m going to steal it and make Reeve say it because something like this would come out of her mouth:

“Do you feel that, Harrison? I could burn you with a cigarette and call it a wolf bite and nobody would know the difference.”

sounds normal at first then NOPE

The next chapter (chapter 5) is called Dead Disco:

This chapter came together very quickly because I’d had it basically planned out, however, it veered into an emotional direction I wasn’t expecting. This chapter was supposed to be fun and lighthearted, and it ended up being... not that??

What’s it about?

After the tragic drama that occurs in the previous chapter, Harrison wakes up the next morning to notice that Lonan has #left and #taken the car. This is v/ not good, but instead of getting super worked up he chooses to chill out at Jeremiah’s place and chill ft. some disco. I meant for it to be cute but Harrison ends up in a mental place I wasn’t expecting, so the chapter feels a bit “derealized” to me. After both Lonan and Harrison head out on their solo endeavors, they meet back up and this encounter ends *badly*.

Playlist:

July 31st Rachel was feeling very enthusiastic about the playlist for this chapter (I was writing while listening to music) and wrote down a list of songs that describe the progression of this chapter (in order + all Nothing But Thieves because predictable!):

Holding Out For A Hero

Crazy

Afterlife

Hanging

Excuse Me

Forever & Ever More

You Know Me Too Well

I’m Not Made By Design

Amsterdam

Number 13

Itch

Hostage

BUT SHOUTOUT TO: Disco by Surf Curse

Probably the most accurate vibe here lol

Excerpts:

This first excerpt is Harrison angsting hard about missing his friends. I don’t *love* her but I don’t *hate* her! I tried revising it but it... flopped, so here’s the failed revision:

Lonan could say those words and it haunts him, how easily he taints him like a bad omen. There are so many things Emily would tell him to do to cleanse the bad magic, but Harrison recalls none of them properly. He remembers words like moon, and black walnut, and quartz crystal, and cardamom, but can’t think of what to do with any. He wishes he were like Foster, curious enough to carry around a pocket dictionary, or like his mother, clever enough to make something up on a whim. All Harrison can do is bury his face in his palms outside the restaurant and hope no one watches him. The main road bustles by and he wishes to be invisible, like Anna and her son. He wants his friends back. Foster could lull him to consciousness with a quiz on the different kinds of plants, which are edible, which are poisonous. Reeve would split a cigarette with him and scare him back to life with her driving. Emily will never speak to him but at least she’d cast a curse on him, and even that’s better than his nullified state of living. It’s disorienting, to feel asleep while awake. Harrison blinks hard, but everything feels the same—the buildings all shimmering, the people staring barely even people, everything derealized like it’s all been coated in REM.

(tag urself i’m foster’s pocket dictionary)

This next excerpt outlines Harrison getting turnt with his new man and then getting philosophical? drunk Harrison be Aristotle and Madonna smushed together idk

Harrison knows he shouldn’t drink around a stranger but Jeremiah’s got a handmade bracelet and scribbly tattoos on his forearm so it’s hard not to trust him. Photo prints of hostels in Japan, statues in Europe, cathedrals in Paraguay decorate the walls in perfectly cut rectangles. Each is plumed with a dried flower and it reminds Harrison so much of Emily, he has to look away, back to the Lonan-coloured drink. He studies the shot glass like it isn’t transparent, the grooves around the perimeter, the engraving that reads Cancun 1987. He loses Jeremiah’s absent swish around him, and gets lost in the blue. The trifecta amazes him, how a colour as unnatural as this has manifested in Lonan’s eyes, his earring, this drink. He tips the glass back and finishes it in one go, and even though it’s strong and should taste like artificial blueberries, his mouth is tasteless and numb.

“You live here alone?” Harrison asks, raking his fingers through his hair. The apartment overlooks the strip across the street and Harrison gets lost in it, the artificial signs like bad advertising, the neons ill like influenza. When he looks toward Jeremiah again, his glass is refilled and he has to think hard to remember if he emptied it in the first place.

This is where Harrison manages to make disco big sad + some lowkey salt at Lonan which is always! a! win!:

Together, they move in a trance, limber and manic. The glass in Harrison’s hand isn’t a weight—it’s a lifeline. The apartment blurs, and waves in slow motion. Harrison doesn’t hear the music or taste the drink; he feels nothing in the ground, and everything in his tongue. His hair swims in his face like Lonan’s, moving like he did in the water, careless in his forehead, his eyes. The pictures on the wall become the pictures in his bedroom, and the blinking doesn’t get rid of them. In his sidesteps with Jeremiah he sees him, in the glass, across the street, under a streetlamp. Taking his cigarettes, his light, his car, his mouth like a cannibal.

To end this update, here’s some dialogue ft. savagery:

“You’re patronizing me.”

“You’re patronizing yourself.”

A meme to accompany this lol:

So that’s it for this update! At the time of drafting most of this post (which was a few weeks ago), I wasn’t really feeling this project, however, after writing chapter 6 and switching POVs into Lonan’s head (where there’s lots of messy stuff to work with), I’ve been having a lot of fun!

I’m sorry updates have been slow on this blog--I’m in the process of moving so I’m getting busy, however, I hope to post at least one more update before I go off to school! Thanks for reading. :)

--Rachel

#writing #writeblr #amwriting #writerblr #fostered #writingupdates #mothwork

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aharris00britney · 6 years

Photo

ASKS 06

Ummmm stuff I’ve ignored and let build up ;-; MM hairlines, a pic of me, default replacement hairs, donation stuff, using my hair conversion meshes, a male hair wip, recolor requests, and other stuff UwU

Anonymous said: face reveal?

lmao this is from October but I never take pics of myself besides snapchat so UwU

@wildfire607 said: I love your content for the game! I have my notifications on for you. Much love from Texas. ♥️

omggg thank you!!!! literally I don’t feel like people would have notifications on for me ;n; again, thank you so much <3

@standardheld said: Hey there! I know you don’t take requests so take it as an idea. Maybe you’ll like it. Otherwise, please don’t feel forced to do anything! So here’s the idea: I haven’t fount an adult’s version of you YeoJin hairs with big pigtails. Remember Cassandra Goth from The Sims 2? It think it would look beautiful and I know you’ve got the necessary talent. If you like the idea, please let me know :)

Hello!!! Lmao I am kinda swamped rn to start ‘new’ things BUTBUTBUT I don’t mind if somebody uses my conversion meshes like YeoJin Hair since all it is is a conversion. So if u wanna do it or wanna ask some other people, feel free!! <3

@pxelsquid said: The WIP hair in your play list post is so beautiful! I can’t wait for it!

Thanks! Planning to get it out in the next week or so

Anonymous said: What do you use donations for?

(answer in bold) lmao I actually don’t get many, at least not enough for them to go towards anything. But I do get a few dollars every couple of months (and that still makes me super happy to see ty to anyone who has donated ever UwU) lmao so I don’t really know what the donations go towards though I guess packs?? which rn I prob wouldn’t buy a pack w/donation money bc irl stufffff but I would think donations on a sims account should go to more sims stuff if you don’t need to money for personal life situations :)

Anonymous said: Hello! Would you ever consider some of your hairs for male sims?

You should be able to disable to masculine filter and see them?? If not go in S4S and edit the tags to let it be seen

Anonymous said: about your last hair: NOPE.

all night all night all niiiiiiiight ✨

Anonymous said: I’m so happy you made the Jennie Hair without headband! I really like it so far. Good job!

Yay!! I’m glad you like it. Thank you so much <3

Anonymous said: When will you be releasing the braids on your post /post/168877609911/ ?

Yeah!! They’ve been done a while, hopefully they should get posted soon. Here is a link if u want early accessssssssssssss UwU

Anonymous said: why did u and yoshi break up?

Richard ( @cas-fulleditmode ) shares the same fetish as me (M*** P**f) lmao im kiddingggggg UwU me and @ayoshi are married in Korea still

Anonymous said: BOOOOOI! HAVE YOU HEARD “BLACK DRESS” BY CLC? IT. IS. LIT

i dont think u get…. my k-pop obsession ;-; lmao I literally keep up with like every girl group and watch the album teasers/everything UwU I still prefer Where Are You? to Black Dress though.

Anonymous said: Are you friends with grimcookies?

to an extend I think so, yes. We have only messaged a few times in the past week or so bc of memessssss

Anonymous said: Can you please post some eyes or tell me where I can download cc eyes? I hate the eyelashes that sims has.

My resource page has the eyes I use and the no EA eyelashes mod link :)

@saurussims said: Pass the happy! 💛 When you get this, reply with 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in your notifications!

My birthday is this month so I’m happy about that lmao

Loona

my pug UwU

my friendssss

getting new clothing

Anonymous said: aghhhh your sim style is so nice! Have a nice day!

Thank you so much!!

Anonymous said: Hello! ^_^ I just dropped by to tell you how much I appreciate your hard work in making hairs. I don’t know how much time it takes you to make such wonderful creations, but they definitely made my sims better-looking for your CCs are amazing and they are of matching lengths and styles that really made planning my sims’ hairstyles easier <3 Sorry I’m too broke to donate, and all I can do is THANK YOU :( But please know that you deserve all the praises you get. More power to you and your blog! <3

omggg this is so sweet ;-; thank you!!! I really really really appreciate stuff like this. <3

Anonymous said: Would you consider making more hairs (preferably a long, casual style and maybe a ponytail?) with the Candie/Maja bangs? They’re soooo cute!

I have made another hair with those bangs. Hopefully it gets posted soon :)

Anonymous said: Can you please make the laundry day hairstyles base game compatible?

I actually didn’t buy laundry stuff lmao college/senior payments are taking all my money rn so I prob won’t get any packs anytime soon :P

Anonymous said: all i want in life is curly maxis match boy hairs ahhh :((((((((

aweeee I am really bad at male hairs or I would try :( this is a male hair I did the other day and it is super super basic but like I’m surprised it wasn’t super fucked up ;-;

@jacazul said: ✨💛 This is the Amazing Person Award! Once you are given this award you are supposed to paste it in the ask of eight different people, who, in your opinion, deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it is sweet to know someone thinks you’re amazing inside and out 💛✨ <3333

Thank you!!! <3

Anonymous said: how do you get all your sims to look so cute??? every time i think i’ve made a super cute sim i see one of your sims on my dash and i’m like WHOA NEVERMIND THEN. seriously tho what are your secrets

ummmm I use all my sims and then just do ‘make twin/sibling’ and then I get a clone to mold like clay wedgfhv

Anonymous said: which recolor palettes do you recommend for hairs? I like the EA colors but I would like to try some others.. especially after seeing the hair color you put on your sim with the jennie hair in your latest post

Obvi I like the anathema palette bc I put my hairs in that, but the saccharine (?) is really really good and there are tons of hairs in that. and the WMS palette is so so so good there are just too many swatches for me to do that palette tbh

Anonymous said: Are you going to make more hairs that are ombre accessory compatible?

Maybe! I am not sure tbh, it depends on the mesh I use and abunch of other factors :)

Anonymous said: Question, I love your Jisoo hair, it’s well done, but the ombre part, what’s the file name and how do you download it? I’m a noob when it comes to this. Sorry to bother you.

file name -> JisooHairOmbreNaturals[AH00B].package

just put it in your mods folder like you would normal CC. It is in accessories :)

Anonymous said: I’m legit falling in love with you and all these cc’s ❤❤❤

<3333 Thanksssssss UwU

Anonymous said: not to rush you but are any male sims coming out soon :0

My male sim has been in my drafts with all the CC links and everything the past MONTH but I haven’t had the motivation to export his download file omggg. He is on my gallery @ spotharris if u really really want him right now

@bob10112006

said:

I love you and thank you for your cc and can you make not so berry cc?thanks!

People have made recolors of my cc in not so berry colors :) check my sideblog @aharris00britneyrecolors

Anonymous said: Hi! Are you planning to make the Go Won hairs into a bob? the same hair and all but shorter. I just think it will look really nice as a bob.

Maybe?? no plans as of right now though

Anonymous said: please upload your red-ish haired sim! :) x

Already did, check my sim download page

Anonymous said: damn, those new hair really sucks. sorry… but. yeah.

well maybe if you stanned LOONA then you would like them UwU

Anonymous said: I checked out your sim page, they’re so gorgeous! I remember at some point last year you mentioned maybe sharing Briella after you stopped using her, and I haven’t seen her in a while in your posts. Have you considered sharing her or is she just officially retired? She was a very cute sim and is iconic!

Briella wasn’t actually my sim! Her original download post is here

@ayoshi said: Are you gonna tell your followers why you didn’t give me a valentine gift or…???

Me and @cas-fulleditmode were too busy to take a stop in korea sorry UwU

Anonymous said: heey :) could you maybe put the hairlines your were talking about in the latest post for download? i use hairlines myself and i really like your hairs in tge palette you are using and i can’t find any hairlines in it soo? could you do that? :)

the hairlines I made are actually in the saccharine palette bc so many clayified hairs come in that palette lmao. They are kinda messy rn but if I eve use them on a sim download ill link them there :)

Anonymous said: Could you please recolour some of wild-pixel’s hairs in the palette?

Anonymous said: can we give you recolor requests?

Idk if I will do recolors that often but when I do I kinda just do what hairs I find myself using at that time :P

Anonymous said: Will u ever upload girl from “tell me why, why i’m so lonely” post?? Please consider it, she is soooo cute 😍😍😍

I didnt save her :(

@investedwheat40 said: Would you ever consider uploading your joy hair as a default replacement for that one hair Zoe Patel wears?

Prob not since it uses different textures/shadows and stuff, it would be the same size and stuff as the normal Joy hair

Anonymous said: Is there any way to download you models? Because I live how they looks and really want to use them.

I got this before I made my sim download page, but lmao here is a link to my sim download page :P

#asks

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dboliklover · 7 years

Text

Q and A Session!

Thank you, everyone, for sending in your questions! We will now answer them! Italic is Mod Roza, while bolded is Mod Azusa! Everything is under the cut for those who would like to skip!

Question 1; HI! /can I ask how old you are?/how long have you had this blog?/do you have a favorite rp account(other than this one lol)?/how is school/work going? Thank you for all your hard work!!

Mod Roza; Hi! I’m fifteen, but my birthday is on the 17th of November, so I’ll be sixteen soon! We’ve had this blog for a few months now, but I forgot the exact date ^^’ No, I do not have a favourite RP or headcanon blog, but I do enjoy a handful of all types of different fandoms. I also do roleplays on my email, so if anyone would like to discuss a roleplay with me, please PM me on my personal blog: Daughter_of_the_gods Or click here! As for school, it’s good. I’m hella busy though! I have my mock GCSE’s starting next weeks until the second week of December so I won’t be able to post for a while unless it’s announcements! Sorry! And thank you! We appreciate it, and we appreciate all of you! <3 Mod Azusa; Hello! Let’s just say I’m older than fourteen but less than twenty :’)My birthday is the 14th of January! Like Roza said, we’ve had this blog for a few months now. I’m sure if one of us looked back in our private messages we could find the exact date. I’m pretty sure it was before school started though!Hmm. I don’t exactly have a favourite rp account, but I do have one of my own! I rp either through discord or via email, so feel free to send me a message on my personal (naiis-blr) if it interests you! School is going pretty well! All of my class averages are at 70%+, which is great! I have final exams for this semester in January though ;~; Question 2; Can I ask both Mods, what encourages you to start writing a prompt/scenario? Like do you pick ones that interests you the most?

Mod Roza; Hmm, what encourages me? Well, usually what’s been in the ask the longest! But if I’m having writer’s block, I’d choose something easier for me to do, and eventually come back to the other one after I’ve gotten more ideas!I especially love the more unusual ones! Mod Azusa; A good question! I tend to start with ones that have been in the ask box for the longest, or ones that I know I’ll be able to power through and get out straight away! If there’s none that interest me, I pick a random one and work through it. All of the asks that follow the rules get answered; no matter how much we don’t want to do them!

Question 3; This is an ask for both of mods!! What are some of your favorite bands/singers? Mod Roza; Hmm, I love ALL kinds of music (Except for dubstep and heavy metal) Here’s some of my favourite bands and singers though!

-Lauren Aquilina

-Vocaloid

-BTS (Kpop)

-VIXX (Kpop)

-Jula (Polish singer

-)Ed Sheeran

-Anna Jantar (Polish singer)

Feel free to PM me on my Personal blog if you’d like to discuss more music with me!:

Mod Azusa;

I really love anything country and to do with vocaloid! I love songs like Dark Wood Circus and The Servant of Evil series. Some of my favourite country songs are Love me Like You Do, Canadian Girls and Being Down The House!

Question 4; This is a question for both mods again if its alright!!! What are your favorite diabois?

Mod Roza;

I’m a 110% a slut for three of them. I call them my “Unholy trio” THis consists of Ruki, Kou and Subaru. These three are my weakness and I cannot choose between them. I love them all. So my “favourite” is the whole unholy trio.

Mod Azusa;

Ruki is my favourite diaboy

fight me. Question 4; this is a question for both mods, What made you guys start wanting to write for dialovers? and did you guys make this blog together or one of you just ended up joining it after a while lmao

Mod Roza;

It was a joined thing! If I recall correctly, Mod Azusa wanted to make a DBL blog (After I successfully dragged her down to DiaHell, y’all are welcome for the fact I converted Mod A into one of us and added such a talented writer as them into our DiaHell ranks XD) but after I suggested having a headcanon blog, and we agreed to do it together from the beginning! It was super difficult to get noticed in the Community at the start, but now we’ve E X P LO D E D Please Keep in mind I have a horrible memory and Mod Azusa most likely remembers it better than I.

Mod Azusa;

I had originally started this blog as a fan blog! After talking with Mod Roza, we both decided to turn it into a headcanon blog. It’s a good way to get writing skills while doing something you enjoy!

Question 5; ask for both mods, what's your favorite disney movie?

Mod Roza; My favourite Disney movie? That’s a hard one! Hm, I gotta say I like Mulan a lot, because she’s badass, but then again I also adore Tangled, too! Mod Azusa; Favourite movie hands down is Aladdin. Jasmine is best princess 10/10 .

Question 6; ask for both mods, do you have any pets? if so explain their personality? Thanks

Mod Roza; Yesssssssssssssssssssss My baby Tiger. (He’s a cat called Tiger and NOT an actual Tiger (Low-key wish he was tho)) Tiger is a huuuuge cat that I’m pretty sure is as big as an actual big-cat cub and he’s fluffy af and a huge asshole but he’s the most lovable asshole ever. He is very cuddly when he feels like it, but he drools a lot and recently he started cuddling my head and licked my eye which was G R O S S. But I love him so much and he’s my precious child. Mod Azusa; Hey! I used to have two pets; a German Shepard husky mix and a calico cat. My dog’s name was Elvis and my cat’s name was Tails ^^. We sadly had to put them both down due to various illnesses, but I was able to be with them for about nine years or so. Question 7; for both mods, what was the first thing you guys ever wrote? do you think its good and is it still online or in a notebook? Lmaooo- Mod Roza; I mean, i was probably like, 3 when I first wrote something?? But I think you mean what’s the first /original/ thing I have written, and I will tell you that yes, I still have it and unfortunately yes, it’s online. It’s the cringiest thing ever and I hate how awful 12-year-old-me was at writing. If anyone is wondering I wrote “jelsa” fanfics. Jelsa being the ship for Jack Frost and Elsa. Are you cringing yet? XD Mod Azusa; Oh man. The first thing I ever /actually/ wrote was an attack on titan fanfiction about two years ago. I still have it on my google drive, and it makes me cringe to even look at it. It was a summer project that I was writing with an online friend- we never did finish it, but I read it over every once in awhile to see how much I’ve grown as a writer. Question 8; nyello, i wanna ask both of yees, Which dialovers boy(or boys) do you have the hardest time writing for? ty Mod Roza; Reiji. Without a doubt I can’t do that King of Savageness. He’s soo hard to write for I literally DIE whenever I write him. As for Mukami’s, Yuma is hardest to do for me. Mod Azusa; I think the hardest diaboy for me personally to write is probably Yuma. He’s a very hard character to nail, and I’ve spent quite some time browsing and replaying the games just to get another look at his quite abstract personality. I do try my best to keep him as in character and realistic as possible! Question 9; hi! sorry if this has been asked before, what made you guys interested in diabolik lovers? like how did you find out about it? (this is a question for both mods btw!) Mod Roza; Oooooh Gods….I’ve been in DiaHell for YEARS. Like, I don’t even remember HOW I got into this hell. But Here I am~Tbh I think I google something like “Romance animes” or “Supernatural animes” and found a list and it caught my eye??? Idk anymore RIp.((I got Mod Azusa into DBL y’all are welcome. Like Otome is the thing me and her originally linked and connected to and now we’re great friends b/c of otome.)) Mod Azusa; I originally got into diabolik lovers because of Mod Roza! She introduced me to it, so I have her to thank for bringing me into the community. I have a great love for otome games, and so I began playing the diabolik lovers series shortly after watching the anime. Roza and I watched it together, and there were quite a few… choice words exchanged on my part towards anime!yui. Question 10; i have an ask for both mods XD, whats the creepiest thing thats ever happened to you? Mod Roza; Gods, where do I begin? I guess the time when (TRIGGER WARNING: Hitting on underage girls) I was at my uncle’s name-day party ((Slavic thing)), and there was this guy in his mid 30’s there, he seemed pretty cool at first, until he tried to hit on me later in the night, when I had admittedly a little too much to drink (It was a family party.) and I was tipsy, he danced w/ me (Which isn’t considered creepy in Slavic countries, but he danced w/ me in a slow, romantic manner and it was V uncomfortable!) And the straw was when he kissed me neck and called me his “little lady” I pushed him the fuck away and sat on the stairs, too scared to tell anyone and i felt V disgusted and filthy.He ended up w/ my Uncle beating the SHIT outta him though, and he ran the fuck out the house after that. But it to this day scarred me. Mod Azusa; ooo. I don’t tend to have creepy things happen to be very often (i’ve gotten used to quite a bit of it). I can’t recall exactly a time when I’ve been creeped out, but things that go bump in the night can cause uneasiness. I get frightened more often than creeped out. Thank you all so much! I hope you enjoyed this Question and Answer session! We hope to do more of these in the future. Have a great day everyone!

#question and answer #q and a #thanks for 300!!#love you all #please continue to support us

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skiasurveys · 7 years

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Talk about...

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. - I cant remember that well since I was a little kid.. ( The lion king), um but I remember being so into it and I loved animals and it kind of started me wanting to draw. But i cant remember the first time i watched it.

2: Talk about your first kiss. We were really awkward, I liked him..but not enough, and so we went driving around, got starbucks, and then found this bench and we were talking/flirting, and then he just kissed me. But it was nasty asf, it was so gross. his spit was all over me, blehh. I hated it. I remember being like if this is kissing i do not want it. It wasnt tell i kissed another person that i was like Oh thats what its supposed to be like..

3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for. He is my current boyfriend. We met on Okcupid in 2015 right after i had finished high school. It was like September. its funny because i wasnt rly serious on that site but then I started to talk to him and we hit it off really well.. we dated for a week then broke up LMAOOO. But then in April 2016 we started to talk again and in May we dated. so its been a year so far, and i am really in love with him. He and I click very well, he’s 7 years older than me. we play video games together but sometimes i watch him play by himself cus its fun that way too. He likes anime tho and i hate it lol. hes very funny and he can be super sweet and romantic and sometimes hes jusr a fkn nerd. idk what else to say before i start going on forever about it.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far. Meeting the dude who assaulted me. we were just friends and i had a bad feeling about him but i shoved it off. and then he attacked and assaulted me. I wish i went with that gut feeling. Thank god hes gone.

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had. My best birthday was either my 18th or 19th. My 20th was boring. But my 18th I got a wii U and i got drunk too, and i had fun. but yeah, like idk the best prob was when i was a child and had lotsa friends and cake.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had. My 16th because my dad was dying.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity. My biggest insecurity is my body shape.weight. I just hate it because I feel fucking ugly and fat and I really am not, but idk i just want to be skinny and tiny.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of. I am proud that i graduated and got my license, since I was struggling to graduate which was like 2 years ago but i was going through a lot.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my eyes, and I do like that i have small hands and feet. ( its easy to find shoes). But I also like my legs and that I have a bigger butt.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had. theres been a few. But i think with my ex friend who just said she hated me and it was random asf, but she ghosted on me after and so it wasnt really a fight. another one i had was when i started to date my current BF and he wasnt being the best and I was like maybe i should drop him so i tried too and then we fought and then we actually were adults and explained the situation and we sorted it all out. since then we have been so good. like we know how eachother works. Lol fuck.

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had. I cant think of one.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. i had a nightmare where this creepy ass creature was crawling up my walls and turned its head all around and had lifeless eyes and creepy sharp jagged teeth, and it was just terrifying. but then my mom killed it.. wtf

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The first time i had sex I was super nervous. ( It was with my current bf), and we tried and then i started to cry because I was nervous and also from my trauma, and then he was like okay thats fine. Then later that night he asked if we wanted to try again so I said sure. and so we started to make out and then before i knew it was actually inside me and I was like wtf that wasnt bad, and it felt really good. It wasnt overly romantic like they make in movies but it was super good and he was slow and good with me. ever since then i crave dick every minute LMAOOO.

14: Talk about a vacation. I went to disneyland with my mom the year i was graduating high school. It was so much fun, I felt so safe and happy . I cant really explain what i felt just felt like everything was gonna be OK and the rides were just so awesome and the food was great lol

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life. It was when I was starting to date Connor again and we were hanging out and I was like wow, my life is going perfect right now and I felt so happy.

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to. I never go to parties but the one i went to was at my boyfriends friends house and I just started to drink rum n coke and it was really good and made lots of friends but there wasnt that many people there but i felt really happy.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I cant think of anyone lol

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school. i got bullied alot for stupid shit.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school. I was in foods class and I was with my friend Jenna, Brittney, Shae and Julia. There was orientation for the kids from elementary that night, and so we asked if we could stay extra and make the cookies and so we were allowed. Then Julia and Shae left to use the washroom. Jenna and I had finished up and were heading to our other class, and as we walked in there was a alarm for a lock down and we were like holy shit. There was somekid with a knife walking around. they calmed him down, but it was really creepy. But our friend brittney was by herself in the foods room and she was crying and i felt so bad omg rip brittney

20: Talk about something that happened in high school. I had math class one afternoon and the class before me apparently this girl had a seizure. But i didnt know, so when we walked in the classroom I was like wtf why are the desks all pushed around and so i thought they did some activity, but it turns out this girl had a seizure, and my friend told me about it and how it was super traumatizing our teacher even got bit. it was really weird..

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. He is my friend still but he really liked me and he asked me out and I had to tell him No and i said that i wasnt looking for a relationship but it was super awkward but hes cool.

22: Talk about your worst fear. choking.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. I really liked this one guy and we went on a first date and then he asked if i wanted to chill the next week and so i said sure. But then that day he had texted me and said he was busy and that i couldnt come over and so I was like Oh ok, cool. and then he told me to make sure i wasnt looking for anything serious, and then so i never saw him again after the first date. But he was really boring so thank god i didn’t. and its funny cus a few months after he had some gf and i think he is still with her cus i would see them at the mall all the time. but yeah im glad it didnt work out!

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. One night ( this is cheesy ) It was like 4 am and Connor was watching TV and I was scrolling through tumblr lookin at funny memes/posts and he just turned and looked at me and said “Jen, youre my best friend” and it just made my night. It was super sweet and i felt great.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend. ho ho ho okay, so we were friends since grade 9 summer/beg of grade 10. we were close asf, we liked the same shit, we thought the same. she was great. she was the first best friend i ever had rly. so a couple times through out our friendship she would kind of vanisha nd not talk but it was her depression and it was annoying asf. anyways.. after grade 12 grad (this is like oct 2015), i tried to message her but it wouldnt let me! so i soon realized she blocked me on everything. i texted her thanks for that and then feb 2016 we became friends again, then may 2016 she ghosted on me but she finally sent message saying how she hated me etc and really too this day it hurts but i still dont know what actually fucking happened.

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick. if im really sick i just sleep and watch youtube videos. or ill have a bath.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body. i really love my boyfriends arms. theyre so big and strong. mmmm.

28: Talk about your fetishes. i dont rly have a fetish tbh.

29: Talk about what turns you on. i like when my bf dominates me, but not too hardcore. I like neck kissing, facial hair, deep voices, motivation. I like being tackled like play fighting and i like when he touches my thighs etc. mm

30: Talk about what turns you off. being an asshole, racist/sexiest, if youre super smelly. if youre really tall and skinny.

31: Talk about what you think death is like. i dont know. its probably weird asf.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. i remember this place called Moonwalkers and it was this crazyass jungle gym we had and it was the best shit ever.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad. i draw, listen to music, have a bath..etc

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. getting hit by a car.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. i wish i would stop comparing myself to every fucking person i see.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures. some anime.

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. i thought i loved wade, but i really was just liking the idea of someone. this was in high school. lol it was really weird and i didnt like it.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. it depeds on the song and the person. pink floyd reminds me ofmy ex friend. Anime/kpop songs remind me of Kyra and super lovely songs and omam remind me of connor

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier. not everyone you lose is a loss.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life. the end of high school and teenage years was really weird. i remember feeling so out of place and not sure what t do with myself.

#survey #personal #talk about

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shushthisaintmytumbla · 3 years

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6/8/2021 Life Update!!!

Omg I cannot believe it has been 8 freaking months since the last time i wrote here. SO MUCH has changed its insane. JK not really, but the good news is covid is basically over!!!!!!! I got a vaccine back in March and so did my fam so I have been livvinnnn way more than the last time we spoke. I almost teared up reading back on the last life update to see strong I was at that time and how much I’ve been able to hold onto those values of self worth and confidence to this day. As much as 2020 SUCKED... so much personal growth came from it that I truly don't know if I would've had if it weren't for life slowing down, working from home, and being able to really focus on myself.

I guess to reflect on some of the past 8 months... that boy i mentioned i was talking to but wasn't sure about hmm idk how to explain it but I definitely never felt a spark.. we hung quite a few times, but everything felt very structured and I don't know if it was because of the state of the world or if I just wasn't really into it. But I must say im really grateful to have met him and I still talk to him every now and then to this day. I think he's a really sweet human and someone I want in my life as a friend. He moved to NYC so who knows maybe ill see him over there ;)

Since were on the boy update, I’ve recently went on a couple dates with 2 different guys both super sweet but idk im not seeking something and its definitely difficult to try to date while still living in OP. I hate keeping secrets, but I HATE the idea of telling my parents about a date lol

Work has pretty much remained the same buuuut about a month after my last post i really stuck to my gun about wanting something new and exciting and I got a job as an assistant to an influencer. It has been a really fun experience getting to learn more about the business side of things and I can definitely see my career shifting in that direction if I want out of the music biz. My boss boss recently just left the company so things are starting to pick up more with work which could affect this influencer role. Im just gonna let my real job play out and see where things go. We were told a return to office date in Sept. which I am very very scared about. I DO NOT want to go back to an office. As much as I love socializing, I LOVE the flexibility and freedom of WFH. It is definitely a HUGE reason why I have been able to stay so fit the past year and a half. I’m really scared about going back to a 9-5 office life and lose this motivation I have rn for fitness.

As far as the future, I am SO confused on where I am headed which is really scary but I guess exciting too. I have not given up my hopes of moving to NYC. It is literally all I think about most days. I know my parents would be super bummed for me to move away, but at this point i have no desire to be back in LA. I would have no one I really care to live with here since everyone else kind of is moving out with others or have different plans. I really just think I need change after a year of so much stillness. I crave a new city, making new friends, and making a new version of myself or I guess just building off of this new found appreciation I have for my self. Moving across the country sounds very scary to me, but I know I need to do it. Im dead set on the idea. I just need to find a job and a place to live there lol. I do have some leads on roommates (Molly and then maybe this girl I met from Molly in Prague). The issue with it is i don't think they'd move till Feb 2022, which seems like FOREVER AWAY.

Living at home makes me feel like my life is on pause. I don't feel like I can grow or become my own person while under my parents roof. Also, since the last time we’ve chatted here, a lot of family dynamic has changed. Im not gonna spill the tea here bc its really deep and personal and thats a lot for saying on a platform where im fine writing EVEERYTHING. Its just something i can't come to terms with opening up about to anyone, but lets just say I need distance and to create my own future.

As far as life, I have been able to travel a lot more in the past few months. In the beginning of May I spent 2 weeks in Hawaii with Mckay, her friend Mara, Cassidy, and Mara’s friend Daron. It was SO fun. The most fun I’ve had in a while. It was my first time on a plane in so long and it felt soooo good to be away. I also have travelled to Phoenix/Scottsdale AZ a couple times with Fiona and that was so fun. I am weirdly obsessed with AZ now I could also see myself living there if it weren't so damn hot and if i knew some more people. Traveling again fills me with so much joy. I have some other fun trips coming up like Glacier National park with my family, another trip to AZ (lol told you im obsessed) for my birthday weekend, and I even purchased CONCERT TICKETS for Kygo in sept. wow I can't wait for my first concert back. oh wait i also have Harry in AUGUST fuck ya life is getting good again.

I’m really not sure what the new few months holds for me with work, friends, relationships, where I will end up, etc. which really scares me and I don't know why. I usually like having things figured out and a game plan and I legit have none. If you ask me now my hope is to get out by late aug/sept. I have some plans through then, so after that I really want to dig into my escape to NYC. Covid kinda fucked up life threw me around and is now spitting me back into a place where i don't know where to go or when to make the next move. I feel at a weird place with my friendships. Obviously I love my friends, but everyone is kinda starting to do their own thing, focus on themselves, and go on their own necessary path, and that is why I am so motivated to make my own. I have been manifesting a move to New York for almost a year now lol so CASE the next time we meet here you better have a fricken plan to get your butt to New York. Do it for yourself. Do it and don't look back. Change will be good and necessary. YOU GOT THIS.

Talk soon x

Casey

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theory-of-a-fandom · 5 years

Text

I dunno I just wanted to talk about this to something... something not involved, something that won’t take a side or yell.

I lost my best friend (E) nearly 6 months ago. I still have them on social media, and I still like their posts and I still miss them. But we don’t talk. They were...almost the person who saved me? The first person who I trusted with all of me. Being their friend led to so many of my firsts: my first sleepover, my first kiss, my first relationship, the first friendship group where I felt wanted, actually wanted rather than just pitied.

We met when we...what 15? We got talking, we both love anime, and that led to them coming round my house for 3 days straight. We watched horror lets plays and ate 3-day old pizza. It was the best few days of my life back then. I’d never had that before, never really felt like anyone wanted me. I was the nerdy fat kid ya know?

But after that, well we were joined at the hip. We joined the same clubs, we did the same things, we went to parties together. Two of their friends joined us (C and D), as did my other two friends (which was a relief as my friends were dating, and I had become the very awkward third wheel to them ‘star-gazing’ on the stairs). And that made school bearable. It made me actually look forward to social times.

My best friend would spend every Wednesday at mine, they couldn’t get home till late that day so of course, just come to mine. We’d read Homestuck, do homework and just laugh. It was fantastic. I miss that.

They got a boyfriend (C), one of the friends that moved with them. I was so happy for them, and everything was great. I became super close to him. I was learning to open up, I was talking about my feelings for the first time...ever? I hated myself, yes, and we were both self-harming and exams were coming and it was so stressful but I remember that year in a golden haze. For the first time, I wasn’t completely miserable.

They then broke up. It was awkward and uncomfy. They refused to speak to each other until I sat them down and got them to talk. They fixed it and got back together. It was essentially us three against the world.

We miss each other’s 16th parties - I’m ill for theirs, they cancel for mine.

Then we got to leave school. E and D went off to do a course at the local college and C and I stayed on for further study. I got very close to C, people thought we were dating. We talked about everything: mental health; their relationship; my sexuality, all of that. Then I met J. Our group soon became me, E, C, D and J.

We would all hang out at the weekends, it was great. Until E started cancelling plans last minute. The bus was late (I see them as I leave school, meeting C), they just wanna see C. It hurts - I am still a very insecure person, but these things happen, I get it.

J became my first boyfriend after months of friendship. Everything was fine before this. Now E hates him. So much. We dated for 2 months until I learnt that he didn’t know No meant No. We all recover.

E has made so many new friends at college, they don’t have a lot of spare time - and fair enough, I have exams to study for, I understand. We see each other when we can. I develop an eating disorder.

Wednesdays stop happening. There is silence for a while, but then everything is good.

C and I finish school, E restarts more academic work. I turn 18 - E cancels being the only friend I invited over to celebrate. I go to the local uni. Both E and C come to my dorms, we celebrate. C and I grow more distant. Tuesdays become a thing. E sees me on Tuesdays, C on Saturdays and Thursdays. That works. This is the Schedule that must be kept.

Their pets get sick, their crying. C can’t be bothered to go with them to the vets, so I walk an hour, miss my lecture, and go and sit with them and get us food. I calm them down. They help me over the phone with panic attacks. Then this gets less. They’re with C all the time, C needs them. My eating disorder and self-harming get bad.

Summer comes around and it’s okay again. We all crash in my giant bed. E keeps telling C to kiss me. He does. That...happens. It’s... comfy, I trust him. There’s a guy(A) who is interested in me, who comes into my work, and I do not realise at allllll that he likes me. I have no clue. A and E are friends. He walks up the stairs to their 18th party, sees me, and walks down again, takes a few minutes and comes back up. I end up crying on him for a while but he’s nice. E tells me all the ways he’s a bad guy.

A and I hang out with groups, I still don’t believe he’s interested in me. I have a family emergency, but E and I are still told to take our holiday. It’s great. We share a bed, we spoon, we’re close. They keep saying we’re closer than just friends, but idk, their my best friend, isn’t this how it’s supposed to be?

A situation with A leads me to having a panic attack in a taxi on the way home from a club. E is so angry with him, and so am I. But he apologises, so much. I figure we can be friends. We start talking. We end up talking a lot. E is a bit funny about him. They say they have a crush on him (E and C are in a poly relationship), and then they have a crush on me. I don’t know what to say.

E and C stay over. We get drunk. E gives C a bj in my bed, I cover my eyes, uncomfy but C uncovers and makes me watch. I don’t know what to do. We don’t talk about it. We’re all just friends - at least in my mind.

A asks me out a few days later. We’d been skirting around it for a few weeks. I say yes, and I am so happy. He takes me out for dinner and walks me home. It’s my first date. It’s magical. I tell E. They cry and the next day we get coffee and they start talking about our poly relationship. (??)

It turns out E has asked to sleep with A, knowing we’re dating. A and I are both uncomfy. But we move past it. Just E and A start fighting. E and I are going to a convention, and are going to a party the night before. We both, dumbly, get very drunk. E gets very high. I’m just happy to be there, I don’t get to go out a lot, and it’s my first party with a boyfriend. E wants to leave, I want to stay. I say let's stay another hour. E storms off into the night, leaving me at the party, smashed and in near tears. A cheers me up, and A and D walk me back to Es. A walks me in, E starts yelling, telling me to just get out, I start having a panic attack. A is trying to calm E down, I’m just crying. Eventually, things calm down.

We go to the con, E isn’t talking to me. The day just kinda sucks. I see A in the evening and things get better.

During the next week E isn’t talking to me. I take them out to lunch to apologise - this is something I really struggle with. I really struggle with not being perfect but I do it. I don’t expect complete and instant forgiveness, but I do expect some form of acceptance? Yes, I shouldn’t have let you leave the party alone but you shouldn’t have just stormed out. What I get is them yelling at me that ‘actions have consequences’ and how I’ve become a bad person. I’m in near tears but I accept it.

Things are awkward.

Tuesdays are moved to Thursdays. I ask every day is Thursday still on? Yes. Thursday comes around - either a cancel the hour before or just a no show.

We’ve been playing DND for a while now, A dming. Its gotten to the point that if E goes partying the night before they just won’t show up. So we get used to this, it just sucks that we won’t be told until 5 minutes before we start. And E and I aren’t really talking. E is so rude to me during DND, won’t talk to me out of character and insults me in character, trying to start to a fight. I’m not proud of it but I rise up to it but try to defuse it but they won’t have it. And then, E goes out partying the Saturday night. 10 minutes before we start, I’m walking there after work - we get a message saying E and their sister are no longer playing the campaign. E had messaged A that they weren’t coming - fair enough, though other people went out with you and it’s 5pm the next day you’ve spent the entire day in bed how are you still hungover??? - and A had planned for this. E takes this as not being wanted. A goes and buys a bottle of rum and walks across town to talk with E. E won’t open the door. A comes back to mine and we realise we can’t play this campaign anymore - we don’t have enough people.

So E and I are awkward. A and E aren’t talking. Eventually - after many more cancelled last minute plans and no contact - I message E saying I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, but I’m hurt that you’re not talking to me, and keep cancelling out plans. (It was a while ago). I get a message back. “You’re right - I do have a lot going on right now and it’s none of your business.”

I am so hurt. A is pissed at E for talking to me like that. I don’t know what to do. It’s the first time I’ve ever aired a grievance with E - I was so scared of saying something and losing them.

A few weeks pass - I get another message. “And what have I supposedly cancelled?” I tell them, and “the schedule isn’t serious”. .... If it was on a day they were meant to be with C I could have not eaten in days, been having a panic attack and wanting to die but nope, it’s C’s day. The Schedule you know. But for me? No. No time.

I eventually say if they even have time to still be friends. They message me a bunch of rude stuff, delete it, and then say I’ve changed since getting a boyfriend. I’ve grown a backbone - says everyone else in my life. I get a message that I’ve hurt them and they need space.

A proposes to me. It’s a sign of commitment - we have to start doing a ldr, and I am so happy. We keep it quiet. He leaves. E and I still aren’t talking. A comes back to visit and we go to a party. We both get drunk, and A tells everyone we’re engaged. Everyone is surprised - we haven’t been dating long and we’re both 19. But they’re happy for us - our close friend literally said he’s never seen anyone look at someone how A looks at me before. E is at this party.

After A leaves again, I get a message - you really engaged? yes. Fucks sake. What does your mum think? it’s quiet, she doesn’t know. Hah. Well good luck with that shitshow.

I am so hurt.

We haven’t really spoken since. And it hurts, it really does. They were so important to me. I let them walk all over me - and I know shouldn’t have but I was so scared of losing them. So scared that if I said anything they would leave. But they kept saying, for years, no, you can tell me anything. And I did. And they left.

I still miss them. So much. I have new friends, but I miss E. And it sucks.

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drashleighreid · 6 years

Note

If you have the time, do all you haven’t done!

omfg! haha okay holy shit

Alisons: Sexuality?

lesbonym

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

She/her

Amaryllis: birthday?

nov 4th!

Anemone: Favorite flower?

sunflowers and port wine magnolias for their scent and peonies!

Angelonia: Favorite tv show?

id say favorite of recent would be big little lies

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

i don’t know i guess it depends on the situation. i find myself agreeing to do things for strangers for some reason like one time i took an acting workshop and i literally drove three people home afterwards even though they didnt live anywhere near me and i didnt know them at all lkjsf

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

i dont drink much else but water usually lol. i like cold brew coffee and iced tea too. and lemon ginger tea. alcohol-wise i love gin and tonics, red wine, and old-fashioneds

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no but i said that the time before too LMAO

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

im not sure. i’ve felt really strong feelings for people in the past but i don’t think it’s ever been mutual so i guess not

Baneberries: Favorite song?

god i don’t know if i can do a favorite of all time. i recently played this video game Submerged and it was a really cleansing and wholesome time and I’ve been listening to the orchestral score of that a lot since. any lana del rey song, get free - major lazer hits me in my toner tbh, the jazz standard stardust - there are so many versions i adore idk its too hard to pick ill just end up listing my whole spotify soon i dont really have all time favorites i just go thru waves Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

my mum runs a childcare business, my nan works at a post office, my brother is an IT guy my sister in law is a hairdresser and i have two young nieces who are in 1st and 2nd grade. they all live in my hometown which is kinda far from me. my dad passed away a few years ago but he owned a flower farm. my parents separated when i was in 2nd grade but i spent every holidays with my dad. i have looooooots of cousins lol

Beebalm: do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i dont really do the hierarchy thing ! but i have a few. my friends jess and rach from here are my fave people ever and literally make me cry with laughter when we all hang out and my friend meg who i’ve known since 8th grade is my vegan salad club soul sister and i love her to death

Bellflower: favorite animal

dogs and toucans ! lov birbs

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

that i dont understand how i didnt get the maternal gene when my mum literally looks after children for a living slkjsdf. im not opposed to having one someday but not for a while and i think id honestly be content either way

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

small spaces/being trapped which i dont know? ive just always had some level of claustrophobia i dont know where it came from

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?

probably stressed LMAO. idk hanging out with loved ones eating good food trying to do a bunch of things i’ve always wanted to do

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

in a committed relationship with a body pillow and my vibrator

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when i can speak openly and be vulnerable comfortably. when people tell me they care about me and value my presence

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

2x each ear and one cartilage

California Poppy: Height?

5′6

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

yes

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?

a cute grey nightgown lol *+*

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

im sure i did when i was younger but now light kind of bothers me when im trying to sleep

Chrysanthemum: who was the last person you kissed?

my friend when we were drunk

Cock’s Comb: favorite font?

i dont think i really have one lol

Columbine: Are you tired?

im kinda like comfy sleepy. its pouring rain and a cool breeze is coming through my window and im really cozy so its just like. nice.

Coneflower: Dream job?

scriptwriter/director

Crane’s-bill: Introvert or extrovert?

im an introvert

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

im fiercely loyal to those i love.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

scorpio babeeeeey

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

hmm. in what scheme lol. of the world? probably not yet but we’re working on it.

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

idk if its an accomplishment but my travels are probably the highlight of my life to me. im kind of always fearless when i travel lol and i love that for me

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

i dont know. i like to think im good at talking people through things and being empathetic and giving advice. i try my best to be there for people

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

letting things go. not bottling things up.

Freesia: what are three good things that have happened in the past month?

i finished school for the semester ! i started a painting! i saw two cool theatre shows.

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

actually pretty good!

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

not really but i’m starting to see the potential in the future a lot more. i tend to get really stuck and struggle to see beyond my current situation but i’m trying to look forward and realise that things are going to get a lot better with time

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

direct a short film i’m happy with, write more, travel overseas, cultivate a close group of friends here, go back to singing lessons.

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

watching youtube videos ! jenna and julien and remi cruz are my favorites they just make me feel so positive. listening to podcasts especially my dad wrote a porno because even if im in the worst mood ill literally be sobbing with laughter. listening to music and playing mindless games on my phone! watching movies and tv shows. getting out of the house and going to a cafe/wandering around the mall. going to the movie theatre. reading !

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

i use my words a lot of the time. if i really care about someone i’ll talk to them and be there for them.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

im proud of my strength and my unwavering knowledge of what i deserve. im proud of my friends and my family and everyone in my life.

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day?

waking up and taking a dog for a walk having coffee and brunch with a close friend doing something fun like rock climbing or ice skating or going on a hike then going to see a show and going home to watch movies or play video games or play card games

Hyacinth: what do you like to do in your free time?

read, watch movies, exercise, talk to friends, write

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

Jess and Rach i met on here like ??? i cant remember when ?? 2012 ?? 2011? then we finally met in person in 2015 and now i swear i see them more often than i see friends i live in the same place as. my best friend from high school i met in 8th grade so 2007??

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

my best friends. my sister in law.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

idk its kinda weird to count lol

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

hmm. this random lady in a mall once told me i can pull off red lipstick better than anyone shes ever seen before shhhhwooooosh. some of the things people have said about my fics literally makes me want to cry. one of my professors last year wrote a really lovely recommendation letter for me and told me i was fucking awesome and was going to do great things.

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

She’s Trying. idk i struggle sometimes but at my core im proud of myself and i know my worth

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

My resilience and passion and empathy.

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?

that i lose sight of what i want and how to get it. that i shut people out and am sometimes so scarily independent that it tips and turns me lonely.

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

visit my nans on the weekend and play video games. go to the beach. read !!! write.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

my best friend had the same name as me and we’d play bratz and she had a pool so it was lit now she lives a few houses down from where my mum lives and has a child and we havent really spoken since like 9th grade lol slfj

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

not making it back in time for my dads funeral

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?

a lot of the time im self assured enough to not feel guilt over things i know aren’t my fault or situations where im not in the wrong. i never want people to be unhappy or struggle even if they probably dont deserve my sympathy though so i get mixed feelings there.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it?

i grew up on a coastal beach town. a small sleepy lil bay. it’s super pretty and idyllic and gorgeous but living there grew a bit monotonous tbh im not a small town person. visiting is lovely though. my nan literally lived basically on the beach when i was growing up youd just like roll down a hill and be on the sand. i loved it so much

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a few different ones. i usually had purple walls ! and id decorate it with random things i was interested in and had books everywhere

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?

i mean not a whole lot LOL high school kinda sucked. i did really well at school and i had some good friends! it wasnt the worst but i was also a closeted gay and didnt know who tf i was so there was some struggles around that.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom?

shes generous and selfless and kind. she’s had a bit of a rough life but she’s strong.

Onions: Tell about your dad

i love that this q is ‘onions’ mood. our relationship was ,,, turbulent. i have some really great memories with him and visiting was honestly good a lot of the time when i was growing up! we’d play pool and id help them with the flowers and we’d go out boating and swimming and bowling and do lots of fun stuff but he was also an alcoholic and gradually got worse as i got older and he was really intimidating and could be really hot and cold and had really unrealistic expectations.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents

i was really close with my grandmother on my dads side she gave me my passion for reading and writing !! when i was really young i would sit in her lap and she would read me stories and then when i got older i started reading the stories to her we were super close she passed away when i was in 6th grade and it was really sad i loved her. my grandpa on my mums side taught me how to play pool !! he used to run the pool club where i’d compete and he was just a nice guy he passed away a few years ago. and my nan on my mums side is an icon i love hanging out with her i grew up spending almost every weekend at her house playing video games she always has all the newest consoles and video games for all of her grandchildren lol we go for walks on the beach and shes awesome one time she came to pick me up from school blasting low by flo rida we stan

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

hmm my 16th maybe ! that was when i was in the US and i remember having cheer practice and my host mom brought cake in and it was just really nice. idk why my 10th birthday is so memorable to me but i had a lit bday party and i remember so much about it lol?

Peony: What was your first job?

i was a barista!

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

i dont know if i have an idea on how i hope to meet my future partner its not something i plan or have a preference for. ive met most of my closest friends online and w being gay *+* lol itll prob be through online im guessing.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physically? poorly LOL im such a baby if im in pain in any way.

Pink: where is home?

idk. i dont know if i have one just yet tbh. we’ll find it !

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, whats is one thing you would stop/change?

hmm i try to live without ragrets. there are a few situations id like to go into either wiser or not at all though if im being hoe nest.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

hmm. there are a few actresses/celebs i look up to ! all these qs are turning my brain into goo LMAO i cant think

Rhododendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

i heard once that someone related to my great grandfather had some kind of connection to french royalty ?? idk how true that was but i was waiting for my princess diaries moment for a while there

Ricinus: who’s the most important in your life?

me bitch

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

rain/thunder

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?

to read fic until im too sleepy to keep my eyes open then drift off *+*

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

depends on the situation. i wouldn’t say easy but i can speak and explain myself well because I spend soo much time thinking about things lol

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

my mum

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

like 9 hrs lol

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

coffee

Touch-me-not: how do you feel about your current job?

that i need one

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

black jeans

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this and that. packing to go away

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? what were they called?

lol none really. i read a few at the beginning of the year but nothing lately. ive read innumerable fic tho does that count

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

happier ! growing ! loved. i want to feel accomplished with what i created during the school year, fulfilled. surrounded by people with pure intentions. hopefully just overseas somewhere

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

whY is this a question ???????????????????

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself

i used to be a fitness instructor

okay that was a lot more questions than i thought it was LMAO fuck

thank you for the entertainment that was fun ! xx

#omfg im dead i didnt think there were that many #long post #read more #Anonymous

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