#im not sure ive ever managed it

[klonoadoortophantomile]

okay fuck it actually heres a drawing from the other day

#probably all ill post maybe idk im not sure tbh……. #scribbles #klonoa #popka #uhh nothing much to say abt this tbh thats why im posting it XD so uh heres some rambling ig #i feel like ive been drawing a lot more oc stuff lately which is cool ig cuz i barely ever draw original stuff #but at the same time it Sucks cuz like. idk theyre some newer ocs i kinda feel weird abt sharing for some reason #like idk i feel like theyre lame 😔 plus im still figuring out a lot of stuff for them so idk maybe thats part of it #uhhh also uh i feel like ive been getting like? actually really fucking good st art ? and like i feel like this every #few months (which is a good thing it means im improving / enjoying how my art looks) but like.. idk it judt feels more legit this time like #idk idk it doesnt really make sense but im having fun with art and thats good #i drew like. seven full drawings yeaterday for artfight im still like . stunned by how i managed to pull that off without having #drawings i ended up hating . like even with some that were an absolute pain in the ass to draw they turned out so cooollllll #okay ill stop rambling now idk what im trying to say

[girlwiththegreenhat]

nobody talk to me this is literally all i am going to think about for the next week

#deltarune #deltarune spoilers #deltarune chapter 3 #queen #rouxls kaard #GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGG LMFAO #BOTH OF YOU??? ?? #THAT IS THE SILLIEST STRAW IVE EVER SEEN #WHY ARE YOU JUST CHILLIN LIKE THAT HOW ARE YOU COMFORTABLE #FUCKED UP WOMAN!!! SHES FUCKED UP I LOVE HER SM!!!!! #ALSO!!!! POINTS AGGRESSIVLY THEY ARE STANDING IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER THIS HAS SHORTED OUT MY BRAINCELL #rouxls is almost surely a lamp because queen is bullying him or perhaps he thinks hes being sneaky #but ill take what i can fucking get they are hanging out this counts in my stupid little brain my faves are Hanging Out (no they are not) #theyre in the same. room together....... #WHERES LANC ER #my brain is vibrating so hard its about to clip out of my skull and slam into the wall at terminal velocity #im actually insane rn. for many reasons. DID YALL SEE TASQUE MANAGER AAAAAAAAAA #AND TWO THIRDS OF SCC AND MORE LIGHT WORLD SHENANIGANS WITH KRIS AND SUSIE YEAHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAA #liz blogs

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[oetter]

god bless my professor i love that woman so much

#im fucking. shaken up by what happened earlier. it scared me more than i realized at the time #hockey is a dangerous fucking sport. i didnt even see the kid get hurt but watching them get him on a gurney and wheel him out #with a neck brace and an iv just. god. he’s 19 years old. he’s a teenager. he’s still in critical condition right now. #going back through the footage i got isnt really helping and i know i can’t do proper voiceover work right now or i’ll sound like a child #emailed my prof abt the sitch and she is. the kindest woman in the world and offered an extension despite the policy being 24 hours advance #and it’s due in two hours. yet she gave me another full day. im gonna cry #i need to go to bed. i just. i feel sick to my stomach about the poor kid and about this assignment. #it just didn’t hit me that it can happen to people i know and love and seeing the ambulance pull up to the rink i just about ran inside #trying to make sure it wasnt one of mine. but that didnt even matter. #god. why do people still play hockey. i dont think i could ever manage. #i might honestly need to take a break from even watching hockey for a little bit. ill see how i feel in the morning #right now i feel like crying though. gonna go do that. #oetteryaps

[vulcan-moon]

Yknow, its completely up to you if you want to answer this or not. But.

I always believed people with similar troubles understand each other to an extend others cant do. Your art, the way you draw, I don't know, it tells a story that is too familiar to me, too close to home. Not that it got any better for me, Im trying to clean up still an addict some might say. But thank you. I also really hope you're okay. 🫶

i think there is a kind of solidarity in being able to recognise in other ppls art similar experiences. i hope it does get better for you - even if you look at yourself now and compare it to where you were last year, any improvement is improvement. i am reluctantly accepting myself that healing takes a long, long time. i'm as okay as i can be right now, i'm learning to use healthy coping mechanisms like art and writing as an outlet, but it's always going to be a journey and i'm always going to have bad days. i'm learning too that there's no one right way that recovery looks like.

#asks #been sitting on this one a while bc i wasnt sure how to answer it idk #i still struggle with depression and sh and ive kind of accepted that it will always be something i struggle with #which has made relapses seem less like earth shattering failures that i set up for myself #and more like opportunities for harm reduction and stuff iunno #mental health is hard and expecting myself to be Normal has only ever put extra pressure on me that made me worse #accepting that im kind of always going to be like this but i can manage symptoms has been a hard pill to swallow but it's made like #an idea of recovery seem more attainable and realistic rather than something ill never have

[caffeinatedopossum]

I just heard someone say that getting married is the hardest thing they've ever done.

I'm sorry but if getting married is the hardest thing you've ever had to do, I don't think I can talk to you. That's fine, that's totally okay if that's hard for you. I just need a long moment of silence for my misjudgment of the average amount of suffering that any given human experiences.

#and obviously theres shit like forced marriage and things #however #if you are choosing who to marry of your own volition. that shit should be easy #i cant even count with all of my fingers and toes the number of things that have been harder for me than getting married #for one. the reason im not yet legally married which is that im disabled and im in a very intenese match of Do I Deserve Rights #with the government #after that weve got recovering from an ed. not sure how im managing that. plus i couldve easily died #you know from malnutrition. not only from me starving myself but also due to severe malnutrition in my entire childhood #due to neglect and abuse. its tge reason i never grew properly. i have a hole in my jaw. its also why my jaw is underdeveloped #ive got severe insomnia and anxiety to the point that i wont sleep for days without strong meds #and cant really leave my house alone #i lived through untreated hypothermia and likely heat stroke as well and those were both MUCH harder than getting married #i experienced child labor and escaped what was probably a cult given that i had to run away to an undisclosed location #cut off contact with everyone i knew from it and remain anonymous #i ran away from home because of the abuse and when the cops were called on me i had to sit thete #with a straight face and listen to social workers and authorities tell me that what i was calling abuse was ok and that i had to go back #i had to fight for an education that i never really got. same for medical care including emergency medical care #anyway point being i will be very relieved to spend the rest of my life with my favorite person after all of that #there are no regrets or uncertainties about that. my life is the best its ever been and she only makes it better

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

learned another lesson of don't judge a book by its cover today

so i signed up for this one thing that's like, social work, in a way, not gonna get into specifics, but that first meeting was today to get it all cleared up n stuff. and there were professional social workers there explaining everything who're gonna be going along with us bla bla bla, and with one of them i was a little wary bc, white old man, you know, though he was really nice with older people it's always a bit tricky to figure out if i can tell them i'm genderqueer?

anyways, i didn't get myself to say my whole "not a girl so he/she/it idc" stuff when we introduced ourselves but i did write my name tag as "biscuit (he/she/it)"

and then later during a break, this guy (?) asks me if, personal question but if he may ask, if my parents are or were punks too. so we get talking about that, apparently he hangs out with various punks (i could def hear that in his speech once i knew tbh) and stuff, and then he notices my name tag.

and then. And Then. he and the other social worker who was sitting nearby like, asked a bit about my gender, listened to my rambled explanation of how i just don't feel like a girl anymore, and they both understand that essentially i'm just me, and the man is like "so your gender is just human" which, yeah :D

and then he goes on that if he could, he'd have his id just say "human" as gender bc really that's nobody's business but his own. and then makes a joke abt how having a rainbow flag outside his house in a small village with conservative farmers is An experience, like when someone asks if he's "gay now" and he just responds "haven't i always been?" and they stare at him in shock

and i, for one, could not he happier. now, mind, i have no idea if he's queer or an alley or just plain cool as fuck, but i know i feel very safe there (the entire group was super chill actually) and his stories are like. fucking superb

also he went to my school so that really just proves how superior it is

#theres four certain schools in my town who have Beef if anyones wondering at the last comment #especially mine and the one across the street #were right about it tho that other one SUCKS #a biscuit's rambles #anyways this was supper cool today #that project seems less nebulous than before for sure #its a pretty good thing too #ive never been so relaxed in an all new group so fast ever before #i mean. we did spend 7 fucking hours there #i am so so so tired #idk how we all actually managed to stay focused the entire time #even with regular breaks and group projects/discussions #but yeah its a good group and its good adult social workers and im feeling pretty positive abt the whole thing

[stupid-dyke]

stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying

I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.

#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake. #The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes #and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose #bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day #Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget #hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide #again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite #a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve #ybody #and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll #run out of money and die #you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it #wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good! #so true bestie. so ture #Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t #me for a while #all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break #also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will #happen after each person in my family dies. #the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old #the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit #and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age #i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself #i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f

[hantheheart]

im not gonna lie gang, im deliberately putting off doing sexuality and shipping headcanons. Ya'll're sweet and all so I'm not like "ohh, they're gonna get mad at mee" but like. anytime shipping and sexuality headcanons come up in any fandom I've been in, it always manages to attract just the most mean comments I've ever seen and frankly. im not about it

#not main tagging this #but im sure people will find this #but yes this is about 4kota #but honestly its also about all the fandoms ive ever been in #i somehow manage to have my posts seen by lovely folks in fandom spaces #but as soon as sexuality/romance preferences or shipping come in #just the most mean spirited people show up

[littlekingbergara]

my boss was like "yeah she thought she was doing us a favor by telling us she's moving six weeks in advance but we haven't found anyone to replace her 🫤" WELL i told you six weeks ago but you didnt post anywhere that you were hiring until last fucking week so do not try to put that on me.

#he also was like she told everyone else but kept it from us. my guy how much notice did you want. #i didnt tell you until i was 100% going because i didnt want to tell you i was leaving and then not do it or keep pushing the date like #another employee did. it's not my fault a month and a half isnt enough time for you to make one facebook post or look at any of the 3 #applications people have brought in. and you cant afford to be picky right now. #your poor planning and management is no longer my problem!! #and that morning he was like whens your last day? and i said wednesday. and he was like aaaa are you sure you want to go? and i said very. #and he said 😑 very makes it sound like it's horrible here. #yeah man im the most depressed ive ever been and i was 17 once. i hate it here. #anyway. three more days. #ri.txt

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage #everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me #bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check #and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info #and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less #expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school #which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there #like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away #or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town #and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown #but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets #its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn #or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep #i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time #so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b #agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling #like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult #cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive #allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity #unrelated

[pinkseas]

my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode

#emeto tw #emeto cw #in tags -> #i started having a panic attack at work earlier but i didnt really get the chance to go in back and chill for a bit so it just got worse #like REALLY fucking bad worse than ive had in . at least years maybe Ever. i have not thrown up in over a decade now but #i started fucking dry heaving behind the register i REALLY thought i was going to be sick it was a close thing #i couldnt even call my coworker up i just had to fucking dip and pray she realized i was gone (she did thank fuck) #and then i was shaking really bad really freaking out still fucking dry heaving in the back of the store and it was just. #easily one of the worst experiences ive had in a LONG time like december will not leave me alone <- covid then appendicitis and now this WH #and my manager hadnt been in the store at the time but she came in thru the back and saw me and i was like hey haha funny story #and she was so concerned and told me to stay in back as long as i needed and that i could go home if i wanted to etc etc #ended up bringing my bag back for me and bringing me water and she checked in on me every 5-10 mins until my parents finally got there #she was rly nice and rly understanding and then the coworker i abandoned who is also kind of my manager. also came back #and SHE was ALSO super fucking sweet about it really concerned didnt want me to feel bad abt it (i feel so fucking bad abt it) #i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow #bc im supposed to have another 8 hour shift but i didnt even make it to 4 hours today and im rly nervy abt it happening again #and she straight up was like 'are you sure? i was genuinely planning on covering your shift myself' SHE DOESNT EVEN WORK UP FRONT #SHE'D BE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE REGISTER AND KITCHEN AND SHE'D BE THERE FOR AT LEAST OVER 12 HOURS #like okay. okay. when i texted my parents abt it dad told me 'its probably just nerves. try to push through it' #but my manager and coworkers r gonna be the sweetest kindest most understanding people about it. okay. sure. okay. #surely u see why i am exploding WHY ARE THEY SO NICE?????????? i feel so fucking guilty GOD #alyalyoxenfree

[stayatsam]

lol...tags

#not sure if im risking my job or not by fighting for this raise still #i know we have the budget for it ive seen the numbers give it to me! #i havent given up and neither has my manager even if my c level is being kind of a pushover about it #if i get fired or Suggested to Leave then well #linkedin easy apply! #none of the coordinators have had a proper raise ever tbh

[orcelito]

Tfw u were discussing a quit-risk employee JUST yesterday. And then she no-call-no-shows 😐

#speculation nation #by 'quit-risk' i mean someone who just doesnt do her job right so we cant promote her #but thinks it's her God Given Right to be a supervisor & was threatening to quit if she got written up even one more time #(she only got written up like. twice. ive actually been incredibly lenient with her.) #like theres a process to the training. you have to learn to prep things in the back. u take a test & when u pass u get trained on drinks #and you CERTAINLY cant become a supervisor until after you know drinks #girl was given her test. given all the opportunities. didnt take them. and yet is still dissatisfied. #like girl idk what to tell u. no we r not unfairly singling u out u just have not been doing ur fuckin Job #anyways she's been on rocky ground for basically since she got here. maybe she just got sick of the place idk. #she called ME. BOSSY. FOR DOING MY JOB!!!!!! #im the most lenient goddamned assistant manager ever while still Technically doing my job #i let employees get away with so fucking much. #but im Bossy for telling her to do her job 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 #technically theres a no phones allowed rule on shift. but i dont rly enforce it. #i just kinda nudge ppl along to do things if things need done. but for phone use here n there i just look the other way. #but apparently expecting some1 to do the work theyre being paid to do us tooooooo much #honestly it'll probably be a good thing if she leaves. just means im gonna have 2 pick up more hours probs #but she was only scheduled like 10 hours a week or so. im sure we'll manage.

[rosepetalsthings]

I saw someone say Philza broke the rules of tumblr and I laughed because tumblr doesn't have rules! I have been here longer than my current blog as my older one got lost to the ages and I only ever see people regard the rules like the pirate code from pirates of the caribbean, I do hope that the person is able to get back thier main blog though cause that's not fun to lose

Tumblrs only rule is to always reblog the creator (daddy) 🥴 hope that helps!

#thats maybe the worse thing ive ever typed #but also yeah youre right its a lawless land its just that philza has managed to fire shots first #without meaning to #but also that person probably had an insane amount of urls saved so like...... i cant feel too bad those are against the real actual rules #despite whatever motive staff has #im sure once they release the hostage urls theyll get their main back #it is funny to see the entitlment of tumblr users tho like the 'me made you we're your audience bow down to us' like mate this is tumblr #your barely a percentage of his views #gotta love the long tag rant lmao #ask #tinyblucat

[scattered-winter]

I think one of the biggest things I want to break the cycle of if I'm ever able to have kids is religion tbh. like growing up my parents didn't really give me a choice of which religion I wanted to be a part of, if any, and when I expressed interest in studying religions from other cultures as a hobby they got freaked out and made me promise I'd "be careful not to fall away from the True Real Church" or whatever and like. idk I feel like a kid should be allowed to choose for themselves !? because religion is a big personal thing and so I think the reason it never clicked with me was because it was always something I was forced to do and believe. and idk if I ever have a kid I would want them to be able to explore the world around them and decide what they believe on their own, and have my support no matter what they choose

#re lrb #i mean there's also. the weird cult side of mormonism that also weirded me the fuck out from a young age #i remember distinctly this one time i had some concerns about how the church essentially brainwashes people and brought it up to my mom #and her answer was something like ''well yes that's true it wouldnt be good but in this case its the true church so its fine :)'' #like. ma'am that was exactly the wrong thing to say to a kid who was an avid reader + already knew what mob mentality + blind following was #and idk. my parents have always said that ive always been someone to Question things. authority and rules and systems and all that #and theyve always warned me that it could get me in trouble if im not careful (which im sure it could) #but the way they always meant it was trouble with the church #and tbh im glad i grew up questioning all the things i was taught because i managed to get the hell outta dodge #and idk. i have a lot of trauma and baggage surrounding religion because of how i was raised practically in a cult #but if i ever have a kid i'd want them to be able to choose what they believe or if they dont believe at all #idk. i just wish i had a choice thst my family truly supported me in and so i want that for any kids i have. #anyway this is a long tag ramble but idk. i just got thinking. #winter speaks #personal #tw mormonism #tw religion