#im so tired and so miserable just sitting staring into space like a brick with no brain | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

partyghost · 6 years

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Safe Space

hey! this a just a fic im working on. its also posted on ao3, so here’s the link if you wanna check it out there too and maybe look at some of my other stuff :)

Summary: After getting into a terrible fight with Joe, Barry runs off with no where to go. Luckily, he manages to stop at the one and only Saints and Sinners, where unexpected company gives unexpected advice.

Chapter One

“How could you let this happen?!” Joe’s yell was deafening. Tears running down his face, and his veins popping out of his neck from the constant screaming.

Joe has been shouting at Barry nonstop since the incident. Their ride home had been short, but with being yelled at and blamed from Joe, coupled with Barry replaying the previous events over and over in his head, had made it last forever.

Joe’s anger seemed to have spiked once they had gotten home. Replacing any sadness he had felt just moments before.

Barry’s been silent since the ambulance had taken Iris away, and has been sitting on the couch, staring at his shoes in a trance, since they’d gotten home. The all too familiar feeling of shock and guilt overwhelming him. Thoughts swirling through his mind, ringing too loudly in his own head to hear Joe’s endless yells.

Joe blames him for Iris getting hurt; for getting her mixed up in The Flash’s business. And Barry can’t help but agree. But that doesn’t make his words hurt any less.

“You save all these people, but never the ones that matter most,” Joe continued his tirade. His shouting has stopped, but the calm, angry voice replacing it seems worse, “You should have never even been the Flash.”

Now that had gotten Barry’s attention. He lifted his head up, pulling himself out of his daze, to look at Joe. He was staring down at him with something akin to hatred.

“What?” Barry asked in a small voice, taking an incredulous tone. How could he say that? Joe has even encouraged him to be the Flash.

“How could you call yourself a hero when you can’t even protect your family?”

“Wha- why would you-” Barry can’t even think of a coherent sentence. Joe knows Barry’s done nothing but do his best. He knows how hard he’s tried to keep Iris out of anything Flash related.

“All you do is drag everyone into your messes,” Joe snapped, “What’s the point of you being the Flash when all it does is bring chaos?”

“Joe I-” Barry tried to get a word in to defend himself but was quickly interrupted.

“Admit it, Barry!” He shouted. “You drag all these good people into your mess of problems, and they always end up getting hurt, or killed for it! And that’s on you.” The venom in his voice scaring Barry. Each word hitting him like a ton of bricks.

He knows how hurt and depressed Barry gets when he’s failed to save someone. He knows how much Barry already beats himself up for every mistake he’s made. Barry’s tears begin to well up again for the second time that day.

Joe knows exactly how much he’s hurting him, but he doesn’t stop, “It’s like you don’t even want to save them. All you would have to do is go back in time and fix it. But you won’t!”

“You know why I can’t do that!” Barry yelled back, finally deciding to defend himself. His voice sounding scratchy from the lump forming in his throat.

“I really don’t, Barry! Changing the timeline, where your family would be alive, should be worth it. Not everyone has the chance to go back in time and stop tragedies, stop people from getting hurt.. But here you are, wasting it.” Joe’s dark glare being directed at him, made Barry feel so small, hurt, and scared. He didn’t mean for Iris to get hurt. He didn’t mean to become the Flash. He didn’t mean for any of this. He just wants the yelling to stop and this day to end, but Joe continues, “Eddie, Nora, Henry… you got them all killed in the first place. The least you could do is bring them back.”

Those words stung more than anything Barry’s been stabbed or shot with. He froze in his seat filled with shock and betrayal. Something snapped inside of Barry. The guilt and sorrow instantly forgotten as resentment and rage took over.

He was standing in front of Joe in less than a second, “How dare you bring them up!” His voice and body both shaking with overwhelming anger. “You have no idea what you’re talking about! If I knew the world around me and everyone else in this timeline wouldn’t fall apart and come crashing down, I would save them in a heartbeat!”

“Then why don’t you?” Joe shouts in Barry’s face, “Family clearly doesn’t mean as much to you as it should if you don’t think it’s worth it!”

“Family means everything to me!” His throat going raw as he screamed as loud as he can. Tears pouring down Barry’s face.

Silence washed over the room for a momentary pause. All the screaming and shouting has tired them out.

“You would have gotten Iris away from there if it did,” he wasn’t yelling, but his anger was still made clear, “Maybe this family doesn’t mean as much to you as you think it does.”

“Joe-” he began, pleading, but the glare sent his way stopped him from continuing.

“As long as you’re the Flash, I don’t want you here,” Barry felt his heart break. Every word stinging more and more. The tightness and pain he felt swelling up in his chest was indescribable, “I don’t want Iris getting hurt anymore because of you.”

And with those words, Barry ran away as fast as he could, slamming the door behind him.

He doesn’t know where to go or what to do. He wouldn’t be able to go back to S.T.A.R Labs and face his team. He doesn’t want them seeing him like this, he doesn’t want to talk to them about what happened, and he certainly doesn’t want to find out if they feel the same way as Joe.

He can’t visit Iris, Joe could show up at any time. And who knows if Iris’ll blame him too.

Where could he even go? Where is he supposed to stay? Joe had actually kicked him out… The reality of it was quickly setting in.

As his heart aches more and more, his side is starting to hurt and his breath begins coming out faster and heavier, he realizes he’s on the verge of a panic attack. Or maybe he’s already having one. He can already feel the bottom of his shoes beginning to burn as well as his side.

He quickly looks for a place to stop running without anyone noticing, and spots an empty lot behind a restaurant.

He slows down and hides between two dumpsters. Barry places his hands on his knees as he tries to steady his breathing.

In.. and out. He thought to himself. His chest rattling while trying to steady his breathing and calm down. In… and out. It’s gonna be fine, Joe didn’t actually mean it. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.

But for the time being, he should busy himself with something to wait it out.

There's a sharp pain in his stomach and then a rumble. Guess I should eat while I’m here, he shrugs.

And so Barry heads into the restaurant, only it’s not really a restaurant and more of a bar, he realizes once he’s inside.

He chooses a booth near the back where there’s less people and more peace and quiet. He slouches forward and rests his head on his hand, leaning against the wall, all while looking completely miserable. Eventually, a waitress comes over to take his order of a cheeseburger and fries, and leaves after giving Barry a look of sympathy.

Good to know I look as terrible as I feel.

As he waits for his food, Barry can’t stop himself from thinking about everything Joe had said. He was right about one thing; it was all the Flash’s fault. All of Barry’s fault. Both of his parents would still be alive if it weren’t for him.

No, he interrupted his thoughts, stop thinking about this. It’ll only make things worse.

But he can’t help it. He misses his parents so much. He misses their hugs and love and warmth.

And Eddie… he was taken away from Iris because of Barry. He caused Iris’s heartbreak and grief, and now she’s in the hospital because of him, too. All of the civilians he’s failed to save, they’re gone because of him as well. If he had just been fast enough… they could've lived their lives to the fullest. All of those families and friends wouldn't be grieving. They wouldn't have to worry about funeral plans or expenses.

It's all his fault..

Barry starts feeling warm liquid dripping down onto the hand that’s resting on the table. He didn't even realize he had started crying again.

So pathetic.. I’m so pathetic… His tears falling down his face in an endless stream.

It’s all my fault.. everything... Lost in his thoughts, a small sob escaped his lips, bringing him back to the reality that he’s in public.

Stop. Stop. Stop!

He began to viciously wipe away his tears with the ends of his sleeves and dropped his head onto his arms as he folded them together so as to hide more from the world. But he couldn't stop the tears; he couldn’t stop thinking.

He soon felt the presence of someone walking up to him and figured it was the waitress coming back with his food. Just as he was about to lift his head back up so as to not be rude, the person spoke, and Barry instantly froze.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Barry Allen,” the voice spoke in a smooth and smug tone as they slid into the booth opposite of Barry, “Fancy runninginto you here.”

Barry didn't even need to look up to know that they were smirking. That irritating smug tone said it all.

Shit... the sudden appearance of the unwelcome company brought Barry’s mind back into the present, temporarily breaking the constant stream of depressing thoughts. What the heck is he even doing here?

Wait a minute...

His body tensed up as he put two and two together. This bar wasn't just any random bar he had just strolled into; Barry had unknowingly entered the one and only Saints and Sinners. The favorite bar of Central City’s least favorite, but most popular, supervillain: Captain Cold.

Leonard Snart’s been off the map for a couple of months now, so why of all days, is today the day he decides to come back and stir up trouble.

Barry can’t be the Flash right now,heck, he can’t even be Barry Allen right now. But as of this moment, he’s gotta be both. And he’s got to do it while feeling like shit and crying like a baby. He can't bare the thought of anyone, especially Snart, seeing him like this. Seeing him at one of his lowest points. While he’s feeling so vulnerable. So weak. The city’s so called ‘hero’. He’s supposed to be strong and tough and brave. And now, Leonard Snart, Captain Cold, his enemy, a supervillain, is going to see him like this. Who knows what he’ll think or say or do when he realizes Barry, the Flash, is nothing more than a disappointment, that he’s completely worthless and nothing like the hero he’s supposed to be. He just wants to curl up into a ball and die.

So pathetic.

“Go away, Snart,” is all Barry can manage to get out before the tightness in his throat makes it too hard to say anything else.

But, of course, he doesn’t leave. Barry just let’s out a long, shaky sigh. He’s not ready for another fight today. Verbal or otherwise. He’s not ready to deal with anything, really.

There’s a couple seconds pause until Snart decides to break the silence, “Rough day?”

The question’s simple, but the tone is hard to decipher. It sounds somewhat like his usual condescending, smug tone, but there’s something else in there that Barry can’t quite grasp.

Barry couldn’t help but give a small, bitter laugh in response

“Mind sharing what’s got you all frosty today, Scarlet?”

And after a few seconds with no response, Snart adds, sounding a bit more serious,”What’s with the cold shoulder, kid?” His tone becoming more flat, and Barry can feel the table shift beneath him as Snart leans forward onto it as he speaks.

“Just,” he begins; his face still buried in his arms and muffling his words, “leave me alone..” his voice cracks.

“And why would I do that?” Cold questions, going back to his more playful tune, “Can’t a guy just catch up with his favorite speedster and ask him how he’s doing?” At this point, Barry can’t even tell if he’s serious or not. Is he actually concerned?

No, he can’t be. He must be up to something.

Because this is Leonard Snart we're talking about.

The man who’s tried to kill him multiple times and betrayed him, kidnapped and hurt his friends, and steals art and jewels for a living. One of Central City’s many supervillains.

His arch nemesis. Who is, for some reason, currently acting like he cares about The Flash’s well being. Maybe he’s planning to use this against him somehow. Take advantage of the kicked down and vulnerable Flash.

And suddenly, Barry’s angry. He’s angry that Snart might try and use his emotions against him. Take advantage of the helpless sack of whatever Barry is right now. To manipulate him somehow. Or maybe he just likes seeing Barry down. Is that it? Is he just asking him what’s wrong so that he can mock him?

Temporarily forgetting about his current condition and dreadful appearance, Barry quickly lifts his head to look directly at Cold, his anger getting the best of him.

“Why do you care?” He retorts, and his eyebrows pinch together as his eyes squint with suspicion.

And for a split second, Snart actually looks taken aback. His eyes widen briefly, but then quickly take on a harder edge as he examines Barry’s features. The surprisingly not yet healed scrapes and bruises on his cheeks. The puffy, bloodshot eyes and pink sniffling nose. The tear tracks running down his blotchy face and the wet sleeves of his shirt. The completely disheveled hair, looking as if it had been pulled in all different directions. Not like his usual wind-blown hair that sweeps back in a more organised mess.

“What the h-” Cold starts, but is interrupted by the waitress bringing back Barry’s food.

“Here’s your burger and fries, sweetheart,” She politely says as she places the plate of food and a cup of ice water in front of Barry.

She then takes a look at the man who had joined Barry for dinner and asks him if he wants anything as well. Snart quickly, but politely, declines and dismisses her, so the waitress heads off, leaving the two men alone to discuss whatever it is they’re to discuss.

Barry just stares at his food with a blank face. His high metabolism calls for it, but with everything that’s happened today, he doesn’t really have much of an appetite. So he continues to just stare at it with something akin to disdain.

The awkward silence floating around them is starting to make Barry more uncomfortable than expected. And what's making it worse is that Snart’s just staring at him. What is he supposed to do? He can't really talk to him. What could he possibly have to say to Leonard Snart? It’s not like he could make casual conversation with him like they’re friends. And why would he? They’re enemies. What kind of small talk could he even have with him anyways? Ask him how his heists are going?

No thanks, I’ll pass.

And, well, he can’t just leave either. He’s got food to eat and a bill to pay. Plus, he’s really got nowhere else to go right now…

Just the thought of it brings a painful ache to his chest. His eyes are beginning to sting again. He didn't even realize he had stopped crying until they had threatened to come back again.

And now that his mind is back on that he can't seem to pull himself back out of his thoughts and about what's happened.

Joe doesn’t want him anymore. He’s practically homeless. He has no one to turn to. He’s all alone in this. He’s-

A hand reaches out from across the table and into Barry’s line of vision, thankfully cutting off his train of thought.

Barry’s eyes follow the hands movements as it reaches on to his plate and steals a fry, then proceeds to bring the stolen food back to its owner's mouth.

“So,” Snart takes a bite from the fry, “what's got you all…” he then gestures with the fry to the entirety of Barry.

Barry averts his gaze to the floor as he replies with a quiet voice, “Nothing”

“Hmmm…” Cold pretends to ponder for a moment as he takes another one of Barry’s fries, “Doubt it.”

Barry sends him a weak glare in return, in an attempt to convey the silent message Back Off.

Snart stares at him almost blankly as he continues, “Look, I’m not saying you should tell me whatever it is that’s bothering you,” he then changes his tone to a more serious, but softer one as his facial expression slowly changed to match, “but it's not healthy to bottle up whatever it is that's going on.”

Barry is surprised that he had actually sounded sincere After a moment of silence from absorbing the genuine advice, Barry speaks softly, “Thanks.”

“For what, stealing your fries? I didn't do anything for you. Just telling you how it is.”

Snart continues munching on the stolen fries as Barry ponders whether or not to continue the conversation, but Cold beats him to it, “And besides,” he starts, and then decides to lean back into his seat so as to seem more nonchalant, “If you’re not at your best, how could we continue our little game of cop and robber? I prefer winning when it’s a fair fight,” he finishes, earning what seems to be a small huff of a laugh from the cute speedster sitting across from him.

Then, remembering about Barry’s fast metabolism, he adds, “Now eat up, kid, before you starve.”

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