#im starving myself so im skinny bc im sick of being fat | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

smileymoth · 7 days

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Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

#moth post #ed tw #sh tw

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yumenosakiacademy · 1 year

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the thing w me is tht a big part of me is screaming “OTHER THAN BC OF MY SENSORY ISSUES WHY DO I BOTHER BEING SKINNY? WHATS THE POINT? I HAV NO1 2 LOOK PRETTY 4 ANYMORE. I BARELY GO OUT EXCEPT 2 GO 2 THE STORE OCCASIONALLY. IM GOING 2 DIE EVENTUALLY HOPEFULLY SO JUS EAT W/E I WANT. RESTRICTING URSELF MAKES U BINGE INSTEAD OF SNACK WITHIN REASON BC U ASSUME U NEED 2 EAT ALL SNACKS AT ONCE. EAT W/E U WANT WHO FUCKING CARES ANYMORE U’LL NEVER B PRETTY UR GOING 2 DIE NOTHING MATTERS- SO AT LEAST ENJOY FOOD” but the other part of me screams for order n routine again n sensorily cant take the feeling of fat on me n hates tht ive undone like 90% of the months i spent near-starving myself n is confused by my eating routine now n stressed abt everything going on rn n im stuck in a loop of hating myself on both fronts. if i dont eat i go insane bc my routine was broken n hungry n hav cravings. if i Do eat i binge then end up hating all the fat tht comes from it. i want my stomach 2 b slashed open. im sick of walking 7-8 hrs a day n not having the ability 2 rly take a break. im slowly going insane. i dont want 2 fucking feel hunger anymore. i dont want 2 deal w life. im so sick of everything.

#[feels fat on my stomach now after months] [viscerally wants 2 commit suicide]#delete later

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majimemegoro · 3 years

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kinda tired of how yakuza characters all have like the same boring body just with slight tweaks in proportions so here are some body & eating/exercise headcanons for a few characters.

kiryu is probably the closest in my head to how he looks in canon, with the caveat that when he gets ‘out of shape’ in between games, he does actually lose some muscle tone. when hes in his most muscled form during the stressful main events of each game, he really does look LikeThatTM, but he doesn’t really do it on purpose. he just... drinks too many energy drinks and not enough water. kiryu youre dehydrated please take care of yourself kiryu please. also he eats stupid nonsense but somehow still has a hollywood-style body. his arms are SO good. has forgotten to eat vegetables for a whole month before. he has several gunshot-wound scars and also scars from the torture and the abdominal stabbings. [if anyone wants to go through the history and make a ‘map’ of the places on kiryu’s body where he would have scars, that would be amazing. i plan to do it myself but probaly wont have time for a few years.]

nishiki is a bit vain about his body. so hes the Health Conscious One [canon, y0 intro scene]. he doesnt diet exactly and hes always happy to eat a huge delicious meal while out on the town, but on his own he tries to make really balanced meals and stuff. his exercise regimen is second only to his haircare routine. he follows it strictly, but it’s nothing too intense. like kiryu, he’s pretty naturally good at being muscly and toned. hes never as bulky as kiryu though.

nishida is a small guy. stronger than he looks, but not shredded at all, hes just a normal pretty strong guy. loses weight in times of higher stress than usual (i.e. 100000 instead of 10000 stress, which is nishida’s daily level). tattoo is a Buddha and lotus flowers.

majima really freaking cares what he looks like. hes starved-shredded and hed do it on purpose if he had to, he wants to look ripped. he eats like garbage [canon, kiwami smile burger majima everywhere event] or just forgets to eat even though hes hungry. really disorganized and a mess but he looks good??? I guess????? hes passed out before possibly from eating only staminams for two weeks straight malnutrition, but it’s hard to say for sure what the cause was because he also... doesnt.. sleep. his joints are in surprisingly good shape, but his knees always crack when he stands up from his lil crouches. long legs. most impressive body part is probably his thighs and shredded abs. his butt is “the great plains”

its been said before but akiyama has. dad bod.

saejima eats a lot [canon, y5 gourmet substory with the girl] and exercises a lot, and gains weight really easily, muscle and fat. so hes super super bulky and well muscled, but not that shredded. like he often has visible abs but theyre meaty abs, not shrink-wrapped abs. he doesnt care what he looks like, but he wants to be s t r o n g e. he doesn’t really like western food, and he refuses to even try smile burger. will pretty much eat anything else. despite his iconic eyebrow scar he doesnt really scar easily, most of his wounds heal without leaving too much of a mark. his boobies are one of the seven wonders of the world. also one of the few characters with a bodacious butt.

okudera is quite small, especially compared to the giant-size protagonists. maybe like 5′6″? he’s also one of those people who naturally doesnt get that hungry, and combined with his experience of starvation while dealing with trauma & guilt, the guy never eats enough. still in good shape from trekking all over the mountain day & night, skinny but really compact and sinewy. hes also mega scarred up [canon for his face]. not tattooed. his joints are in phenomenal shape for someone of his age and disregard for his personal wellbeing. gets sick pretty easily though.

kashiwagi. hes muscular but never shrink-wrapped like kiryu sometimes gets, but he has broad shoulders and a naturally snatched waist. his torso still looks like that no matter how many cold noodles he stress-eats. doesnt care at all what he looks like but people find it hard to believe because if they see him shirtless they think he has to be a narcissist (bc theyre jealous). has a really big tattoo (im thinkin full sleeves, etc) but idk what its of. actually only has a few scars aside from the facial scar.

please add your own, on new characters or where your headcanon on these characters differs from mine! i’d love to hear !!

#kashiwagi osamu #saejima taiga #nishida #majima goro #kiryu kazuma #okudera #nishiki #nishikiyama akira #memecomradeoriginal

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pansyfemme · 2 years

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I wanna know those peoples alternative school lunches bc as a kid who was (and is still poor) I only got to eat the school lunches n I would come home practically starving still. So like, what do those peoples lunches look like? Nothing filling? The blandest """organic""" salad with noting good mixed in?? They probably hate gmo foods too even though those are good n not some big bad thing

I KNOW!! this is why i am firmly against diet culture as well as the misinterpretation of vegetarism as a lifelong one. So my parents raised me with as much ‘healthy’ food as we could afford, and i genuinly like it to this day! but this idea that meat and processed foods are ‘bad’ foods is so fucking classist and fatphobic. There are no bad foods, but theres this new wave of parenting (mostly upperclass skinny ppl in their mid 20s) where theres this idea that if their kids dont consume zero carbs and only eat like.. fucking whole cucumbers as a meal that its ‘overfeeding’ them and ‘unhealthy’ in reality- zero carb is not a diet that is sustainable for most people and feeds into diet culture and making some foods seen as ‘bad’ which is what we should be working against! As a kid being raised in a vegetarian low waste household- I ate mac and cheese about every meal bc guess what! kids dont have the type of comprehension to understand why being vegan/vegetarian matters to them and are just gonna want to eat what tastes good to them! On top of that- creating an enviorment where your kids are afraid of eating to much not because they might feel sick but because theyre scared of what you might say to them!! thats fucking toxic as hell!! My grandmother is SUPER fatphobic and routinly told me that if i started eating anything but my ‘healthy’ food that i’d ‘get fat and ugly and everyone will hate me’ and like!! now when i go out to dinner w her i still take home half my meal and eat it when i get home so she wont say shit! is that what you want to do to your kids?? god like.. cant we just be vegetarian bc its what makes sense to us?? why do we have to push it on others and why do we have to say it will make you healthy and skinny when im fat and perfectly happy with myself?? I hate hate hate these fucking rich bohemian ladies and their zero waste kids living lives that are 1) inaccessible to 99% of people 2) pushing diet culture and believing that it makes them better than anyone else. To close out my rant, im going to tell you a story. When I was in elementary school, i was in a poor school district where the majority of kids recieved most of their food from school. HBO decided to film a ‘obesity epidemic’ documentary at my school. Note, a lot of kids at my school were in fact, underfed already. They made our school lunches ‘healthier’ and left us with a new water fountain that broke within a week of installing it, and we had no money to fix it, leaving us worse than we started. Most kids at my school, who werent already getting enough to eat, now had to eat meals that didnt contain enough protein, and in fact, i remember cases of spoiled food and food poisoning shortly after this. and you wonder why im radicalized. pushing an inaccesible, unrealistic and ultimatly unhealthy in mindset lifestyle on people is dangerous! I personally like to eat vegetarian and low waste. But that is a choice i get to have because of privlege, and its also a choice that doesnt affect my weight. Fatphobia and Classism is rampant in enviromentalist circles, please be safe and dont feed into diet culture <3!

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delicate-daisyyy · 3 years

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TRIGGER WARNING -SEXUAL ASSAULT. ED. SH

Im overweight and i hate it.

I hate myself. Everything about myself. I blame my medication for my weight, well, at least thats what i tell people.

I never just gained all this weight in one night in one month, sure ive packed it on but its never that easy.

Im fat bc i choose to be.

Bc i fear to be skinny again no matter how much i wanna be.

No matter how much i crave it. No matter how much i hate what i see when i look down or in the mirror, or when my skin shows my jiggly bits.

Im scared to become skinny again so i eat.

I disgust myself so i eat.

When i was skinny i was sick. I were weak. I were broken.

I liked the way my body looked when i looked in the mirror, i hated what i was doing to do it but i couldnt survive without it.

My body was the only thing i had control over, and i was destroying it.

I liked my size being skinny. The way clothing hugged me nicely, i never felt ashamed nor foolish in anything i wore. I liked the way my body looked and the way i looked, even though i was selfharming underneath.

I had control over my body while selfharm and destruction had control over me.

When i was sexually assaulted i lost all control of my body. It was no longer mine anymore.

Their hands grabbing upon my body like i wasnt even there. Their eyes casing it up and down. Their breath on the neck of my body and their fingertips doing as they pleased.

I was stunned, drunk and irrelevant.

People starring at my body in disgrace and disgust. At MY body.

I wasnt even there.

Violated by their eyes after their body had violated me.

I was nothing. My body wasnt even mine anymore.

No matter how much i try shower off their touch

im stained.

However more i cry tears of painful sorrow, it never deafens the music or their moans of that night.

Whichever clothes i decide to wear never covers the body they chose to strip bare.

Every scent of deoderant and perfume will never hide the scent of shame they shoved upon me.

I liked my body bc it was mine and i controlled every inch, I never intended they would too.

Everyday, every hour, every second since i have never been unable to not think upon that night.

I was irrelevant. I was weak. I was broken.

I thought every second of what i could have done to stop them. What i could have done different. What i should have said. What i should have drank. Who i should have drank with. Where i should have been. What i should of worn. Who i should have trusted.

I try never to be weak agin. I try never to be naive. Never to selfharm. Be broken, or to trust.

I started to destroy the way my body looked. The same way they destroyed me.

I figured if i liked the way i looked then they would too.

They claimed my body from me , and i didnt want it back.

I never wanted to be looked at. To be touched. Held. I didnt want my body near anyone else, to be made irrelevant and helpless ever again.

I didnt trust anyone. I didnt trust myself. I didnt trust that my body was ever mine. I didnt want it. I didnt want another person near it. I started to give up on everything, it wasnt me anymore. I was distant. I would cry and never stop. I would shake uncontrolably as if my body were having a fit while im fully aware its happening. I would tremble at the thought of stepping outside my room. I would cry or yell when i had to speak to someone bc i couldnt talk, i couldnt move , this was not my body anymore.

Through iscolations and breakdowns and suicide attempts i would fight and argue with my parents and friends, it was never over much, i just didnt wanna talk. I didnt wanna tell them. I didnt wanna be.

The moment that i did i shook so intensely i thought i was going to die.

I cried so dramatically til i couldnt see, nor feel.

This wasnt my body anymore.

I grew more and more weaker, and more and more frustrated and fed up. I wasnt eating. I wasnt sleeping. I was barely breathing. I couldnt take it anymore.

As things went by i had to face them.

Through rumors at school. Through friends. Through stares. Through the police. Through medical examinationa. On the streets in their cars. Through music. Through dressing myself .

Every day had violated me all over again.

I wasnt coping, and i wasnt me anymore.

Im still not, But i remembered control.

Years dragged by as i began to eat. Binging , purging, starving and stuffing. Til i finally managed to see myself as a different person. The weight i gained made my body grow plump and jiggly, and i began to realise thay i can control what i see in the mirror.

Everything i gained i did to not feel weak. I didnt wanna see anything i liked. I didnt wanna see clothes looking nice. I didnt wanna look good.

I hated my body and i hated myself , but i gained back my control.

Stretch marks stared to grow.

Clothes didnt fit.

Cellulite. Pimples. Sweat. - i thrived of it.

My body is disgusting. Ive taken it back.

Well so i thought.

Nothing ive ever done has taken that night away from me and it never will. Its always with me.

Time will heal nothing and i cant heal myself, nor could you help me.

But being fixated on this for so long has made me realise how controlled i have been by them.

My body is still theirs no matter how many guys i lay with in hopes to make me feel any less.

How many friends i listen to to make me less loud.

No matter which way i try to destroy myself they will never leave me.

I can drink, smoke, eat, fuck, cry, listen, love, hide, bleed and write til the end of time.

It will never be enough. I will never be enough. But i will never let that night be enough for them.

Time heals nothing but we fight, not for the destination but for the journey along the way. We are what we are and we cant chage that but we can and we will live to love it.

I am destructive but i am still here, still hurting and probably still hurting you. But our journeys are alive and one day we WILL see just how beautiful we are.

That one day needs to be today and that needs to start everyday. Whether its in nature, the sky, a loved one, a pet or in the mirror,

Something somewhere is beautiful. Whether its a thing or a place or a soul, emmerse yourself in its beauty, and you will see it everywhere

Dont allow your past or your pain to define you.

#trigger warning #bpd #TW SUICIDE #TW ED #TW SH #TW weight #tw sex assault #Me too #my story #story time #mental health #healing #beauty #borderline feels #living with borderline

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edrecoveryproblems · 7 years

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Can I still be really sick if I'm in the healthy weight range and occasionally have days where I eat "normally" ?

am i anorexic if i have periods of “normal eating’? sometimes after going to a party or hanging out with my friends i’ll have a small snack just bc i feel like it, but then i regret it and eat less the next day. i also tend to count calories a lot even when i eat when I’m not forced to and weigh myself almost everyday

I struggle with “fearing” certain foods and I have horrible body image, count calories on everything, weigh myself 20+ times per day, have tried to purge, etc, but yet my family doesn’t think I have an ED? I’m not that skinny either [Numbers removed by moderator] so I think that’s why they don’t feel that way. Do I truly have an ED? If so, I want to stop these horrible behaviors but I’m so fat and feel the need to restrict/fear bad foods so I can get skinny. I just don’t know what to do…..

I’m trying to recover from what I think is some form of bulimia. I feel like if I reach out for help, I won’t be taken seriously because I’m “not skinny enough” to have an ed. Help!

So basically my whole life I’ve had a binging problem, but I just recently started starving a few months back. I’ve recently decided to start taking steps to be healthy again. Do I really get to call it recovery? I was never as severe or did it as long as basically everyone else. I feel so fake but I’m still struggling with the thoughts. I don’t know. Is what I’m going through real? Is what I went through real?

i feel so invalid. i probably have had an eating disorder for a long time but i restricted for only 3-4 months. i’m in (what i think is) recovery, but i am not fully going against what my “ED” says. does it matter how low & long you restrict for?

I am not entirely sure that I have an ed because my bones arent extremely defined, my weight is not dangerously low (its average even) so is it valid? I hate to eat and the idea of eating and gaining weight repulses me, I am extremely insecure about my body and I just feel like such an attention seeker.

I eat less than x calories a day and I’ll only eat x. I work out every day and I purge most days. I really need help but im not skinny enough yet, I cant tell the difference between being full and feeling sick

I'm unsure if I actually have an ed or if it's just normal teenage dieting. I usually don't eat lunch and just have a small breakfast, but I eat supper with family. Does that mean that I'm not actually sick?

We get asks constantly from folks wondering if they’re “sick enough”, because they don’t do X or weigh Y. The bottom line is, if it’s negatively affecting your quality of life, if the thoughts are intrusive and unwanted, regardless of how long or how “bad” you think it is (or isn’t), you are worthy of help and worthy of recovery.

- Amanda

#hughes #ask #anonymous #amanda #Anonymous

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