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coyotevallie · 1 year

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CAMP HERE AND THERE GIFT EXCHANGE 2023!!!!!!

signup here!!

have you ever thought wow i wish i could have a grand time with my fellow chnt fans and get nice fun gifts and make other people happy? well now u can!!! woagh

i dont feel the need to set super tight rules, i think a lot of things are obvious - finish your gifts within the due date, no obviously abusive ships, follow the perameters set by your requester . you can behave urselves im sure

signups start today (march 28) and end in a little under two weeks on april 9. i will try to disperse assignments sometime that week, depending on how many people sign up lol . gifts are due may 15, although this dates up in the air so if anyone thinks it should be moved forwards or backwards lmk and ill consider it

feel free (pls) to reblog this post so more people can see it, im not expecting this to be a huge thing but i think itd be fun to have a decent amount of people (: this is obvs really informal i didnt make like a whole new acc for it or anything this is just for funsies

#yippee #not expecting this to get like tons and tons of people #but!! hopefully itll be fun #camp here and there #chnt #ch&t #sydney sargent #jedidiah martin #throwing in some tags lol

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blacktinnedpeaches · 2 years

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therapy recap + some more indepth Feelings -

realised I never actually said about last week’s therapy on here

i went into some detail about some other stuff that hadn’t come up the week before: my long-term self harm, which i told her that i wasn’t particularly bothered by, but that seems like teh sort of thing you should probably bring up - and she didn’t argue with me. i explained my reasoning and she sort of nodded + seemed reasonably satisfied. this is encouraging to me: i can’t stand it when MH people are really scandalised about self-harm

she prodded at some of my plug thoughts - noted the inconsistencies, asked if I had had any traumatic experiences with fire (no), have i ever been badly burned (no), etc. then she asked how i am in a thunderstorm - am i afraid of the electricity then? i said no - in a thunderstorm i love it, and i asked her whether she remembered the thunderstorm a few years ago where the sky kept flooding w/ white light - it was amazing. me and ben went out to watch it in hte middle of a field. it did freak me out when we were there but not bc of the fire potential, but bc it was really, really intense - and that seems a fairly normal response to intense weather situations when you are outside with no cover. she said she did remember it. she said she watched it from her window. anyway: she noted that it was incongruent that my fear of plugs pertains to a fear of fire, but that there’s no real reason for me to have chosen fire as one of my things. which is true, i’m just not sure where to go w/ that. bc there’s a lot of things that my obsessions grab onto, and i don’t think any of them have real “reasons” for it. she suggested maybe a desire to control things that i feel are within my control (which feels a bit cliché lol) and also asked how i am w/ tolerating uncertainty. (”bad” is the answer) she asked me if i unplug things during the day (no), whether i unplug everything (no - i leave the fridge on + ana’s things that im not allowed to unplug) and asked me the perameters for the unplugging (just before i go to bed, at night, in the dark. if i go to bed at 7/8am, which is not hugely unusual for me, the need to unplug things completely disappears) i don’t know what any of this means. i don’t know if i care what it means. i just want to move forward.

Feelings:

feel a bit shit today - woke up feeling very anxious + had anxiety diarrhoea (posted earlier lol sry) then bc i was feeling anxious immediately went to weigh myself (lol hmm). i thought i’d be fine re: ana but im not really, i don’t like the temporary shift in dynamic, i don’t like being in charge of stuff, the medical vibe of the whole thing makes me very anxious, i fucking hate having to do the shit that triggers all my obsessive contamination thoughts, and i know it’ll be fine + this is gonna be the hardest bit of the entire process (bc obviously healing is fairly linear and after about 4-5 days the discomfort should be MUCH improved, and it’s already been 3) + that it’s fundamentally Not About Me lol and like it is what it is. it’s like 100% fine + im fucking delighted that ana got the surgery! im thrilled for them, and ALL of this discomfort is my own responsibility to deal w/ - ana is my best friend in the world + i am not gonna let my own insanities mean that they dont get to heal properly + appropriately.

so that’s that. i seriously juts need to get it together, and i know i will, it’s ok. like im seriously not doing very much extra at all, it’s just the entire situation that is setting me off, and as i said and entirely mean, it’s my own responsibility to deal w/ the feelings

i think im just constantly stressed atm (altho much better than i was a few months back, so i need to keep remembering that whilst i always struggle to put things in perspective, im objectively doing fine + good), im fed up w/ my mum’s awful cruelty, im fed up w/ my dad’s inability to see it, im fed up w/ the fact that my sister is 100% gonna come out of hospital in a few months + immediately start starving herself again. she asked if she could come here and i literally just want to say no, i want to cut myself off from my entire family at this point. but i know i cant - my sister’s done nothing wrong, and i cant/wont abandon her, but my god the whole situation makes me feel absolutely fucking feral w/ anger / terror / jealousy / frustration

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