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absolutepokemontrash · 3 years

Note

Hi! So, I absolutely love your series where the MC is the kid of Lucifer, and I was wondering if I could request that with Diavolo and Barbatos? •v•

:0 you definitely can! Right now I’m just doing Diavolo, but Barb’s will be up sometime soon!

MC is Half Demon and Oh Shit They’re Diavolo’s Kid-

Diavolo wasn’t exactly what one would expect of the prince of Hell, I mean, he was suppressing the urge to bounce in his seat from pure excitement. I mean, his exchange program was starting! Humans, demons, and angels, all together, his dream was coming true.

All that was left was for the student to arrive, the portal opened, and the human fell flat on their back. Oof, maybe Diavolo should have set up some kind of landing zone filled with pillows. No matter! The human was-

…

What peculiar eyes this human had…

Oh… oh dear…

Dad-volo

The MC was his child, no question about it. This was… very unexpected. Well, the entire assembly hall was completely quiet, and the kid looked like they were getting impatient.

“HEY! Mind telling me what the hell is going on?!”

After that, Diavolo launches into his explanation, also the explanation that he’s definitely this kid’s dad. Kid was not impressed, they tried to square up with Diavolo and Lucifer had never been more confused as to what to do.

Well, the moment MC sprouted wings and launched themselves at Diavolo, Dia caught them with one hand and continued speaking like nothing happened.

MC, please calm down… Diavolo didn’t know they existed, let him make it up to them! They’re going to stay at the Demon Lord’s Castle! Dia’s going to be a good dad!

“This feels like the plot to the world’s most messed up fairytale.” MC jammed their hands into their pockets and grumbled. “I get sucked into hell and find out I’m royalty there. Great.”

Diavolo managed to smile and awkwardly reach out to give them a pat on the head, then retracted his hand after the kid shot him a glare. “Well, it’s not a very traditional fairytale, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy your time here.”

“Mm, sure.” MC mumbled.

Okay, so his child wasn’t that enthusiastic about the exchange program, but Diavolo was sure they’d come around.

Dia tried everything he could possibly think of to get his kid to both like him and enjoy their time as an exchange student. A lot of things had… mixed results.

Also, legally recognizing MC as his child and legitimizing them caused a big stink amongst the nobles who were opposed to the exchange program to begin with. So MC then had to deal with a few assassins. Wonderful. Fantastic. Show stopping. Dia, be a good dad and comfort your angsty murder target- I MEAN preteen.

They do manage to build a good relationship fairly quickly despite their less than stellar first impressions, and Diavolo made them a promise that he knew he wouldn’t ever break: he would let them live as normal a childhood as possible.

This means that MC gets to do all the normal kid stuff that Diavolo wasn’t allowed to do. It honestly works out great for everyone. MC gets to live their life, Diavolo gets the satisfaction of knowing that his kid’s having fun, and Barbatos doesn’t need to worry about MC causing chaos in the castle.

Man… does this kid’s magic potential scare the shit out of everyone though…

Tired Uncle Lucifer

No. This has to be a violation of his worker rights. It cannot be legal for him to be this stressed.

He knew this exchange program was a bad idea. LUCIFER FUCKING KNEW IT. This kid was judging him. Why did he suddenly feel self conscious about every single one of his features? This child was picking him apart and they hadn’t even said anything!

He confiscated Asmo’s phone immediately, this was a matter of national security! Satan’s too! Beel as- oh shit Lucifer may have to give Beel the heimlich maneuver, then take his phone.

When all the brothers eventually got back to the HOL, they were greeted with Mammon getting shaken down by Levi.

“Lucifer! Ya won’t believe this! Levi- what’s wrong with you?” “The exchange student is Diavolo’s child.” “What..?” “*pops the cork off a bottle of Demonus* the exchange student’s Diavolo’s child.”

The worst part about this kid was that they took to the privileges of being royalty like a fish to water. MC went out and did whatever the fuck they wanted, and Lucifer needed to make sure a state of national emergency wasn’t called just because MC picked a fight at RAD.

It didn’t help that MC was just so unimpressed with Lucifer. Anytime Lucifer would tell them not to do something they would just raise their eyebrows and challenge his authority without saying a word.

What the fuck.jpg

The things he does for his prince boyfriend…

Cool Uncle Mammon

Huh, so this little pipsqueak is Lord Diavolo‘s kid? Hm, do ya think they’d let him into the royal treasury? No? Okay… lame.

Mammon then decides this kid would be just perfect for scamming people! Who is going to say no to the Crown Prince’s kid? A suicidal person, that’s who!

And the kid is… up for it? Wow, Mammon didn’t even have to grovel! Awesome!

It’s such a shame that Lucifer came in and promptly removed MC from Mammon’s presence. Tsk, killjoy…

Mammon and MC do get along swimmingly after MC stops angsting. Whenever they hang out it’s pure chaos.

And they would have gotten away with it too- wait, they do get away with it. Because who’s going to question the Crown Prince’s kid? >:)

Reclusive Uncle Leviathan

Levi was in the middle of throttling Mammon for his money back when Lucifer burst through the door looking like he had spent over 1000 Grimm on a gacha game only to not get the card he wanted.

And where was that human he said would be staying with them? Huh? The human’s HUH????!!!!

… wack. Maybe he shouldn’t have skipped out on that Student Council Meeting…

Either way, ew, new person he needed to talk to. NO THANKS. Well, no thanks until MC started to visit the HOL to hang out with Mammon. Of course those two normies decided to bug him. OF COURSE.

Levi finally snapped when MC loudly proclaimed that they could totally beat Levi in Mario Kart. Haha, NO. Levi challenged the little runt to a 1 v 1 race on Rainbow Road.

Kid lost. Obviously. Rainbow Road is rigged.

Honestly, kid’s alright. Still a total normie, but not completely terrible.

Cat Uncle Satan

Huh, a half human child of the soon to be demon king, how very interesting.

Oh, and just look at Lucifer’s face. :D priceless. Satan wished he was fast enough to get his DDD out to snap a picture, but he wasn’t able to…

But back to MC, oh how very intriguing. How much power do they have in comparison to Diavolo? Will using that power rip their fragile little body apart? Would they learn to control it? Satan was just dying to find out.

His feelings on the child themselves were mixed at best. They were clearly unhappy with the situation and Satan could sympathize, being thrust into a completely new world and then being told you can’t leave and are also royalty? That has to be hard. But this kid was still being an unreasonable little shit.

Satan continued to try and study MC from afar until the kid themselves walked right up to him and half demanded half pleaded for his help in studying for a test.

Not being one to avoid an opportunity to flex how smart he is, Satan agreed to help out. (Nerrrrd)

And honestly, it went well. When the kid wasn’t being a little shit, they were actually quite pleasant to be around.

Overly Affectionate Uncle Asmo

…wut

Listen, when Asmo asked Lucifer to pick a cute human, he didn’t mean cute as in CHILD.

This kid was DIAVOLO’S?! What lucky human had gotten to have the experience of [Jesus Fucking Christ, Asmo I’m not writing what he said for the sake of the nation]

Anyhoo~ little MC just made his heart go “SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SO CUTE!” They were so cute Asmo could just eat them up!

But they were so mean! That scowl they always had on was going to give them wrinkles and ruin their perfectly cute face!

Sigh, oh well. He can’t manually rearrange people’s expressions. What he can do is take this child shopping. Poor Diavolo was constantly in his RAD uniform, this poor innocent baby shouldn’t have to suffer the same fate.

The kid continued to scowl at everything, but at the same time, their little quips were very entertaining. This little kid spitting verbal venom at anyone who displeased them reminded Asmo of someone… he just couldn’t place who, but they definitely had amazing hair and a cute face :3

Hungry Uncle Beel

Where’s the takeout- I mean human? What’s happening? …are all humans this small? Dang, that’s barely enough for a snack.

So the human’s not going to live with us because they’re not fully human and Diavolo’s kid? Huh. Wild. Anyway, what’s for dinner?

Beel’s not too invested in this drama, he misses Belphie too much to be that interested…

The kid’s weirdly interested in how cool and strong Beel is though. MC tails him to the gym pretty often.

Diavolo and Beel already being gym buddies send tweet-

Since this benevolent little shit likes Beel so much, they decided to take it upon themselves to help with the family drama.

Beel finds that very sweet 🥺

Murder sleepy Uncle Belphie

Oh man… if you thought Belphie was being unfair to L!MC due to their parentage… hoo boy…

When this kid waltzed up the attic steps like they ran the place, Belphie needed to hold himself back from trying to break down the door and throttle this kid.

Pff, of course Diavolo would have a half human kid. Of course.

…kid beat the shit out of him when he tried to kill them. We stan this MC.

After all is said and done, Belphie still isn’t overly fond of MC. They’re brash and rude and only funny 40% of the time. They don’t even like napping 😒

But Beel likes the little runt, so Belphie and MC put up with each other.

Bonus! Your Angelic Uncle Simeon’s Chihuahua

:0 friend!

MC: *speaks*

>:0 not friend! Begone! *throws crucifix*

#obey me #obey me!#obey me! shall we date?#obey me shall we date #obey me mc #Obey me Headcanons #obey me! headcanons #obey me Diavolo #Obey me Lucifer #Obey me Mammon #Obey me Leviathan #Obey me Satan #Obey me Asmodeus #Obey me Beelzebub #Obey me Belphegor

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throughtheglassdarkly · 5 years

Text

Roadblocks, part 3

Welcome back. When last you were here, Day ate flesh-burgers and Yova acquired an heir. Onward.

So while Day, Yova, and I were getting our shop-till-you-drop fantasy on, Bella had an important dinner date with her family. Around 4:45, Antonio picked her up in an Uber to take her to dinner. He told her that he’d try to keep the awkward questions at bay, “But you know mom.” Bella was acting a bit fidgety and he asked her if she was okay. “I’m fine, just nervous,” she said. She tried snuggling against him and he told her she wasn’t six anymore. She looked up at him with her big eyes and did her whiny little girl routine and he put an arm around her.

When they got to the restaurant, her parents and several of her other brothers were waiting for her. Her mother made the sign of the cross, got up, gave her the once-over and told her how she almost died from fear. (When she was telling us this, Yova and I shared a, “So that’s where she gets it from” look) Bella managed to keep most of the goth style at bay, but she still had her light blue hair. Her mom was clearly judging it but didn’t say anything. The whole family seemed to be happy she was just okay. They started talking about their lives, the book club mom ran, dad’s co-workers, teasing one of the brothers about his new girlfriend.

Eventually, the conversation turned to Bella and they all started asking her about her job, work at the university, and her social life. She was trying to keep it together but was internally freaking out, feeling like this wasn’t a place she belonged anymore. She managed to push through it and steeled herself, giving Antonio a look to wordlessly ask him if he told the rest of the family what was going on. She saw her parents also share a look and her mother opened her mouth to say something, which is when Bella felt a weird pulse of Glamour through the room. She knew someone in the restaurant was doing magic.

As she looked around, she saw someone sitting in the dining room proper, apart from the small private room her family had: a woman with a red headscarf and large sunglasses covering part of her face. The woman was looking right at her family and drawing something on the table. When Bella turned back to look at her family, her mother’s mouth was open and her hand in the air but she wasn’t moving or blinking. Looking around, she could tell everybody else in the restaurant was frozen as well.

There wasn’t much else to do but get up and head over to the lady in the headscarf. When she reached the woman’s table, the woman handed Bella an envelope and started to get up to walk away. Bella took the envelope but tried to stop her from getting up. “What is this?” she asked. “A warning,” the woman said. Bella tried to get her to tell her what was going on, but she ignored Bella and headed for the door. Bella opened the envelope and read the short note inside: “You hurt my babies. Don’t make me return the favor.”

As the woman left, she snapped her fingers and time resumed. Bella had to duck under a waiter’s outstretched arm and tray and heard a shriek: “Isabella! Where’d she go?” She hurried back to the private room while texting us in the group chat we shared. She gave the very helpful message: “Got a warning from What’s Her Face.” Day responded: “My future secretary, everybody.” Bella snapped a picture of the note and sent it to us before she went back into the private dining room.

Obviously her family was insanely confused as to what just happened. She played innocent and said that she just went to the bathroom. They were looking around at each other and blinking, but decided to buy her explanation because what other choice was there? Her mom once again started asking the question she was about to ask before time blipped: “Bella, what happened with Carlos? He was such a sweet booooooooooy?” Bella gave a knowing look to her dad, who seemed to pick up on what she was telling him. Her dad tried to get her mom to back up, but her mom was whining that she was so excited about planning the weddiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Bella got up and hugged her mom, telling her Carlos wasn’t the one and she didn’t want them spending a ton of money on the wedding. The rest of the night followed nicely and she took an Uber back to her apartment. Before she went, her family told her that they were going to be in town a few more days and wanted to see her again.

As it happened, around this time several of us were running a little low on Glamour. I haven’t talked about Glamour that much, but suffice it to say it’s pretty damn important to Changelings. If we run out, we feel sluggish, weak, can’t really focus on anything. The good news is that it’s also pretty easy to harvest, mostly from humans. Any sort of intense emotion will let you draw Glamour into yourself. The day after our jaunt to the Goblin Market, while I was using the Token I got to enter Adrian’s dream, Yova was playing at a piano bar, trying to harvest some joy from the patrons. She managed to really scorch the ivories, leaving the crowd in awe. When she finished her first set, she got a standing O. The emotion washed over her and she felt all the power and magic filling her up.

Day used the tried-and-true way of agitating people to get some Glamour. He went to one of the sleaziest dive bars he could find, looking around for the toughest guy in the room. He saw an angry-looking dude who was clearly having a lousy day to the point where even the bartender was avoiding him. Day plopped down on the stool next to the dude, waving the bartender down. He asked Day what he could get him and Day said, “Scotch on the rocks, and how about a bar of soap for my buddy here?” The bartender, recognizing discretion as the better part of valor, backed off, asking if the well was okay.

Day reached up and put a hand on the tough guy’s shoulder. He grabbed Day’s hand off and put it back on the bar, telling Day, “Think you’re funny, huh? Ha. Ha. Ha.” Day told him that he was just messing with him. “I don’t care much for your kind of fun,” the guy snapped. “What, the kind with regular working showers?” Day asked. Before Day knew what was happening, the guy clocked him in the jaw. Day felt the anger flowing from the guy’s fist into his skin. He pushed himself over the stool, rubbing his cheek and said, “Ah, Jesus, buddy, what the hell was that?” “Oh, just a little bit of fun,” the guy snarked. “Jesus. If I wanted a kiss, I’d call your mom.” They were about to brawl when Day invited the guy to take it outside. They ended up kicking the absolute crap out of each other, with Day landing a few solid punches before the guy managed to land a really solid hit. He finally stumbled off, telling Day he was crazy.

As for me, I tend to get most of my Glamour from work. I can feel desire and want all the time when people come in and look at everything we’ve got in store. The day after Yova and Day got their Glamour fix, I had a few marks come strolling in at the lunch hour, some Business Barb types who I saw in the store all the time. They were talking as usual about how they were going to have their diet cheat day (which usually happened about four times a week) and I got them drooling about the pink champagne cupcakes. I did my best upselling, telling them how we couldn’t sell them to anyone under 21 because there was some alcohol in the frosting. They each got one (one of the Barbs buying two, saying the other was for her husband. And no, she wasn’t wearing a ring) and I managed to pull some of that Glamour into me when I took their payment.

I was feeling pretty good about myself at this point and headed over to the local park to eat my lunch. It was a beautiful crisp day, about the last point in autumn before it started getting unbearably cold, and I wanted to enjoy the outdoors as much as I could. While I was eating, however, I spotted a guy looking at me from a few benches over in confusion. It took me a second to remember who it was, but then it hit me: James, the co-worker who complimented my lemon cake the day I got swept off to Arcadia. He looked at me and down at his phone and back a few times, then got a very indignant face and stomped up to me. He didn’t say anything but stared at me a long while.

“Can I help you?” I asked. He was very tense and looked about to snap, then stomped off. I followed him and put a hand on his shoulder, asking him what the deal was. He said, “You don’t know me, but if you ever come by our apartment again, I’m going to call the cops.” I couldn’t help but have a grin spread across my face. I patted him on the shoulder (drawing a little more Glamour out of him in the process) and told him, “I think you have a case of mistaken identity.” I turned around to walk off and he yelled after me that he meant it. I went back to the bench and started eating my lunch again. “That’s so cute, they’re both so boring, they’re perfect for each other,” I said to myself as I tucked in.

Later that evening, everybody convened at my apartment. They all piled in and I told Day, who was still bruised from his fight the day before, that he looked like shit. “Community service. I released some birds from the pet store into the wild. Maybe you know a few of ‘em,” he said. “I am going to kick you into the rock quarry,” I said. Once we all settled in, Yova told us that we needed to discuss what was going on and the threat Aurora made to Bella. “I think it’s past time for us to deal with our old friend,” I said.

We had the list of places she would use as hiding places in the Hedge, so that was one option. What seemed like a better idea, however, was the possibility of going after one of our Fetches. Pam’s was back in Minnesota, Bella’s was dead, and Day’s was in the Knights’ custody, so that meant the only real options were either mine or Yova’s. I told them about the problems I ran into with my Fetch and James and Yova reminded us that her Fetch was upstate in the looney bin. I let out a breath and said, “If we are going after my Fetch, I probably shouldn’t be involved, at least on the front lines. I don’t want them freaking out and calling the cops as soon as they see me.”

Around this time, Bella mentioned the woman who gave her the message and described what she looked like, and I realized she was the one I saw outside of my Fetch’s apartment. That clinched it as far as my Fetch being the best point of trying to get to Aurora. Yova suggested that she and Day go talk to the Fetch about some missing person, “invite ourselves in” and appear threatening. Day suggested someone who wasn’t missing but who might have gone off the deep end might be a better topic. “Is there anyone at work who everybody avoided?” he asked. “Ohhh. Lorraine,” I said. “We always said she was going to pull out a pocket bazooka and blow everybody else away.” “Did she work in accounts receivable?” Yova asked. “Worse. HR. She was the only non-Linda in HR. I don’t think she ever got over it,” I said.

“We need to come up with some name for this guy other than your Fetch. Do you have a middle name?” Yova asked. “Yeah, Shawn,” I said. “Shawn?” Day asked with no small amount of disdain. “Shawn. I wasn’t expecting that,” Bella said. “Look, my brother’s Joseph Patrick O’Neill, my sister’s Mary Katherine O’Neill and I’m Derek Shawn O’Neill. You don’t get much more Irish than that,” I said. They came up with a rough battle plan and I asked them to kick my Fetch in the shins a couple of times because it was an asshole when I went to speak to it. “Well, he’s made from you. Shouldn’t he take after you?” Day asked. I gave him a look that could have turned the Gulf of Mexico into a skating rink and Yova went upstairs to get some vodka.

Oh, and when she came back down, she brought Gershwin to introduce him to Paisley. And Paisley, you’ll be happy to hear, was over the moon about Gershwin. She put her arm around him to protect him. She’s a good girl.

The next day we all left to go over to my old apartment around 4:30. I was sitting in the back of the car with everybody else getting ready to go up and commence the operation. I told them that I’d just stay in the car. I was not happy or comfortable about any of it, for a variety of reasons. “You know, Derek, we don’t have to do this,” Yova told me. “We’re already here, we might as well go ahead,” I said. Yova asked if I wanted to leave the car running so I could listen to some music. “If I mess with the music stations, you will literally kill me,” I said. “I would never,” she said. I locked that promise.

Around 5:00, a car pulled up into the parking lot and James and my Fetch got out, heading for the door. They stepped inside and the others waited a few minutes before going up and knocking. My Fetch answered the door cautiously, asking, “Can I help you?” Day pulled out his badge and introduce himself and the others, saying they’d like to talk to him about a former co-worker. My Fetch looked at Yova and Bella and asked, “Where’s their identification?” Yova was about to activate Hostile Takeover but then Bella showed him the sketch she made of Lorraine. The Fetch warily let them in. James asked who was at the door and the Fetch told him it was the police. “Why don’t you go water the garden? I don’t think they’ll be here long,” it said.

James went off to the back and Day apologized for coming at a bad time. “I don’t think there’s such a thing as a good time,” the Fetch said. “Well, I’m divorced three times, so I know that much,” Day quipped. “I meant with James,” my Fetch said flatly. It rolled its shoulders and said, “You know, I can see you for what you are. So what do you want?” Yova explained the plan and how we were trying to flush out Aurora. “You might have noticed that there’s been someone around lately, a woman in a headscarf and large sunglasses. We need to find her and stop her, she’s very dangerous. And we think that if she sees us here talking to you, it’s likely that she’s going to try to come by.”

The Fetch looked at each of them in turn and said, “I need you to know that I don’t want trouble, okay?” “We’re trying to eliminate trouble,” Day said. “I mean, if you just need to stand here for ten minutes, that’s fine, but don’t expect me to help you any more than that,” it said. “The fact that you let us in is enough,” Yova said. “Good. Because I don’t need any more stress,” it said, looking back at the garden, then at its watch. “You’ve got five minutes. If you want to sit down, fine. I’m going to start dinner.” It headed off to the kitchen and the others decided to look around.

From what they told me later, it sounded like my apartment was more or less exactly how I left it. Big couch that looked mostly new. Good-sized TV. Nice appliances in the kitchen. Photos arranged just so. They all picked up on the fact that it was mostly a veneer of comfort: everything looked nice but not comfortable, like they were trying to convince themselves they were happy.

While they were waiting, they heard some snippets of what sounded like an unhappy conversation between James and my Fetch. James said, “You need to tell me these things so we can deal with them together. I understand if you’re scared, but I can’t do anything if you’re not going to talk to me.” The Fetch didn’t respond to that, but walked back into the living room, saying, “Five minutes are up. Get the hell out.” As he was leaving, Day told the Fetch that they appreciated it helping them out and told it he knew what it was like to be by himself without any help. He gave the Fetch a business card and told it to call if it needed help with something the mundane authorities couldn’t help with. It looked surprised and paused as it took the card. “Thanks. Actually, yeah, thanks. If I have anything else you need to know, we’ll be in touch,” it said. Day patted it on the shoulder, told it to take care of itself, and motioned for everybody to walk out.

I didn’t much notice as they were walking back to the car. I’d been just staring at the center console between the driver and passenger seats the entire time they were gone. My mind wasn’t racing as much as it was drifting. There were a lot of competing thoughts, things I both didn’t want to think about and knew I had to. I’d intended to leave my Fetch well enough alone once I verified it wasn’t going to be a threat to me, but somehow fate was intervening, dragging me back to a place I thought I’d left behind me and forcing me to look back at what I used to be. And I didn’t like what I was seeing. Looking at my Fetch was reminding me of how pitiful and meaningless my old life was. I’d had so little happiness in my old life and being near my Fetch was bringing that back full bore. Even more than that, I was embarrassed as hell that the others were all seeing what I used to live like.

When the others did get back, they all picked up on the fact that I wasn’t doing well. Even Day seemed worried, asking me, “Everything okay, bird brain?” I was quiet for a moment then asked about what they saw in there and if it was as depressing as I’d left it. “Yeah, it was. They don’t seem happy,” Yova said. I was quiet for a minute more and said, “When I talked to him, I just had a couple of questions. I wanted to know if he was still working where he was. And he was. And I asked if my folks had tried to get in touch with me. And they hadn’t. Two and a half years I was gone. They never once reached out or checked up on me.”

They were quiet at that. Bella slid into the seat next to me and hugged me. Neither she nor Day or Yova seemed to know what to say. I swallowed a lump in my throat and said, “I guess I was just hoping he’d be able to do something with that life that I wasn’t.” “Honestly, Derek… he’s not like you,” Yova said. “He’s really unhappy, he’s not a nice person.” “And I doubt if he got thrown into the situation you did, he’d have survived. He’d probably just crumble,” Day said. I took in and let out another long breath. “Do you think we can get out of here for a minute?” I asked. They quickly agreed and we drove away to get a bite to eat before going back to see if Aurora took the bait.

And that’s as good enough a place as any to end this not-so-cheery chapter. Until next time, may all your ghosts be friendly ones.

#Changeling: The Lost #changeling #ctl #ic #recap #the secret ingredient is angst

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forestwater87 · 7 years

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Rate all the cc ships u can think of from favorite to least favorite

OH BOY okay so there’s … a lot. I might not hit them all so gimme any I seem to have missed if you care about my blatherings. :)

But okay, in order of fave to least (and I went with literally every one I can think of. There are a lot, so many we gotta put this shit under a cut):

Gwen/David: Okay, yeah. Obviously. These are my babies.

(They are incapable of being the grown-up at the same time and I am LIVING.)

I’m a huge sucker for any time a big tough girl and a sweet femme boy date because GAH cute, but I also feel like there’s so much fun to be had with these losers. Her obvious anxiety issues match so well with David’s own, and they have such different ways of handling it that there’s a lot of opportunities to bounce off each other and grow together. Besides, she’s levelheaded and seems to keep him more or less on-target, and while she hates this job she cares about him and wants him to be okay, and it just makes my heart melt when an apathetic character has an exception especially when that exception is a sunshine boy and ahhhhh the cute

It’s basically opposites attract, but with some weird connective tissue in the form of their few similarities.

Jasper/David/Gwen: This isn’t … this isn’t a thing, guys. It’s just some bullshit @hopefullypessimistic84 and I made up because I ship her Jaspid and she ships my Gwenvid and so we smushed them together like Barbie dolls and made them kiss.

Doesn’t mean I love it any less, though. These three are cuties and I am a fan.

Jasper/David: They’re fucking soulmates.

Besides, any relationship in which David is the bad boy is automatically too hilarious and sweet not to love. We don’t know a ton about Jasper — and therefore about their relationship — but I could not be more here for it.

Obviously this is either as kids before he died, or as adults in a world where Jasper lives and grew up to be a sweet 90s dood a la HopefullyPessimistic and @sinisterspooks‘ AU; I’m not about that ghost-child-fucking.

Max/Neil/Nikki: I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why it happened.

I just know I would die for this ship.

(Also I’ve named it Makkiel and this is badass.)

Nerris/Preston/Harrison: I’m pretty sure this one is entirely the fault of @sakisketches? I’m not actually confident these three share any screentime on the actual show, but I love everything Saki’s made for them and now I couldn’t be more here for it.

(Genuinely couldn’t find anything with just them, sorry!)

It’s the kinda ship that makes more sense the more you think about it. They’re the ones with the weird, esoteric, “useless” interests, the kind of things that’ve made them no stranger to bullying. They’re all very competitive, passionate, dramatic … I’d imagine their relationship would be one filled with a lot of clashing, but it’d also be big and bright and beautiful.

Nurf/Petrol: This is another ship that isn’t actually a thing, but @directium made me believe. Damn you for making me love Perf. They’re such big strong boys and they deserve better than their shitty camps.

Besides, tell me Nurf wouldn’t be able to understand whatever reason Petrol has for not talking and would be sensitive and able to communicate perfectly regardless. Just try and tell me that wouldn’t happen.

Nerris/Harrison: Honestly, this dropped a little lower on this list while I was writing it, because … Nerris is kinda a bitch.

Don’t get me wrong — Harrison’s a prick too, especially to poor Max. But this kid gets bullied and insulted by basically everyone at camp, and you’d kinda expect these two to stick together because … well, they’re the biggest losers by far (excepting Preston).

That being said, I could see them growing out of their rivalry into a sort of grudging admiration and continuing on from there. Plus tell me these two wouldn’t just be gorgeous when they grow up, in terms of fashion. They’d be the power couple of the century.

(Okay but I cannot let this slide: in what universe is Nerris the true magic kid? Harrison can do literal magic! How did he not win this argument the second he actually set something on fire with the power of his mind?!)

Nikki/Sasha: Another couple where one of them needs to become so much less of a bitch for this to work. But … I mean:

(legit the only picture I could find that they were both in, pfft)

The only thing I’m almost as much of a sucker for than the tough girl/femme boy pairing is the tomboy/girly girl pairing. And if Nikki could corrupt Sasha to the fun of being wild and … like, not just the goddamn worst, it could be adorable.

Gwen/Bonquisha: Okay but. How fucking cute would this be?

Look at that face! Look how starstruck she is! She’d be like a Chihuahua dating a Mastiff; Gwen would go around starting fights and Bonquisha would have to pull her out of them and/or escalate things. They’d be the instigators of so much drama and would watch trash TV and giggle and it’d be sweet as fuck.

And they’d make David’s life miserable in the best possible way.

David/Bonquisha: So that tough girl/soft boy thing I was talking about earlier?

Multiply that by like 200.

The major reason this one isn’t up there with Gwenvid is that there’s not that much to Bonquisha, and while she’s absolutely the queen of my heart, she isn’t as well-developed a character. Also I think David would spend most of their relationship being terrified of her, because she’s scary and he’s very squishy and delicate.

Nikki/Neil: This one’s the fault of @ciphernetics, who dedicated about 2 seconds to it in one of her fics and now I’m in love with it forever.

I could totally see Neil being captivated by Nikki’s energy and vibrancy, and she’d have so much fun dragging him along on her adventures. And of course there’s the fact that Neil’s so cautious and levelheaded that he’d keep her from going off the deep end and getting herself killed; they’re kinda like Gwenvid in that way, I guess? Boundless enthusiasm meets snarky cynicism and makes Forestwater cry.

Max/Neil: Despite the fact that there’s an author on Ao3 that basically ruined this ship for me forever, it’s hard to deny these two are either bromates or soulmates.

They get each other. They’re both highly intelligent, oddly protective of their friends, so married to their ideals that it leads to them being massive douchebags to said friends, and just so very sarcastic.

Harrison/Nikki: He’s got a massive crush, right?

And Nikki loves how he can basically (accidentally) summon adventure. Together they’d be unstoppable! Seriously, I’m not sure there’s two people here with such mutual admiration for each other and that’s really sweet.

Good kids, equally morally questionable, and Nikki could protect him while he summons fireballs to entertain her. It’d be precious.

Max/Nerris: Blame HopefullyPessimistic for this one again. She believes in it hard and where she goes, I must follow.

The fact that these two are kinda abrasive and harsh makes them interesting. It’d be fun to watch them trade barbs — as opposed to the kicking-a-bunny thing Nerris does with Harrison and Max does with Space Kid and David (and Gwen, kinda). They’re well-matched in terms of intelligence and ability to throw shade.

Ered/Nikki: Okay, yes, Ered is manipulative and mean and Nikki’s blind adoration of her is very unhealthy. BUT:

They’d be the most badass couple ever. They’d go on insane adventures all the time, and since Nikki seems incapable of being hurt and Ered’s injured all the time, we’d get adorable things like Nikki carrying Ered’s wheelchair up a mountain and doting over her every time she gets hurt.

They’d be the beautiful butches we need, and I could see Nikki’s bravery and loyalty really breaking through Ered’s seemingly cold (cool? Ahahaha I think I’m clever) heart until she’d actually stand up for Nikki instead of just using her.

Max/Nikki: Not really my ship (not without Neil to balance them out), but these two are adventurous in a way that Neil isn’t. They have an energy and creativity that means they’d keep up with each other long after anyone else would’ve passed out from exhaustion and pure “guys just fucking stop.” I can see why people like it, even if it’s not my thing.

(But seriously, why not add a Neil? Both of these kids would benefit from a nice, rational Neil.)

Quartermaster/Quartersister: I recognize that this should be at the very bottom of the list, and possibly not even on it for pure oh dear god no. But …

I’m sorry, they’re just too fucking funny. It’s sick and gross and wrong and terrible and god help me I love it so much. You get down with your nasty self, QM. And you murder-bang as many grizzled nasty sisters as you want. I won’t judge (much).

Neil/Nerris: I don’t … really see this?

I do think they could get along; they’re definitely the most aligned in terms of interests, and Neil’s so spindly that even Nerris seems badass in comparison. Besides, Nerris doesn’t seem like the type to have patience for a guy unless he’s falling down appreciating her awesomeness, so in a weird way they’re kinda suited for each other. (And she’d totally get him into nerd culture and they’d rock DnD together.)

Plus, he called her “the Cute.” More than once. That’s might sweet.

Max/Preston: Nope, I don’t get this one.

I have nothing against it, they just seem to … hate each other? And yes, I realize “they hate each other” was the basis for more than one of the ships much higher up on this list, but … okay, I never said this was going to be a rational and well-thought-out ranking. I’m just vomiting thoughts on a page here, and for some reason these two don’t really work for me.

I think part of it is that Preston seems very anxious and high-strung, and Max is laid-back, but in the kind of way where he’d get a total kick out of fucking with Preston at every opportunity. Which is funny, but it doesn’t strike me as sustainable. Max needs to learn how to chill or Preston needs to learn how to chill. At this point in the show neither of them have any chill and I feel like it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Neil/Tabii: Let me just start by saying that I love Tabii to pieces. She is adorable and precious and everything I need.

Unfortunately, if Neil’s into girls Tabii is very much not his type, and I don’t see a way for this to work out unless Tabii … completely gets an overhaul of her personality? I love this for being sweet and funny and relatable (I can’t have been the only one who had a devastating crush on a boy in his “girls have cooties” phase, am I?), but I don’t see it ever actually happening, you know?

Ered/Dolph: This is a thing? Really?

I don’t have anything against it, I just don’t see what’s there. Dolph having some sort of hero-worship for her is plausible (and admittedly quite adorable), but I’m not sure what they have in common. This could be a case of tough girl/sweet boy, I guess, considering how soft and artistic Dolph seems to be, but I’d need to see them interact more to really have an opinion on it.

Campbell/David: Well, aside from the fact that Ciphernetics with her amazing talent makes me want to believe, I have to file this one under “holy fuck is that unhealthy.”

Because he’s just … the relationship would be absurdly one-sided, the weird age difference notwithstanding, and David’s feelings, assuming they aren’t pure “daddy issues” and extend to … ahem, “daddy issues,” are super confused and fucked-up and vaguely incestuous? (Yes, okay, I realize that this is super hypocritical considering the QM/QS thing, but … what can I say, Quartermaster is an exception to literally every rule.)

Besides, I can’t help but feel that any relationship they’d have would be manipulative and neglectful on Campbell’s part, and Davey doesn’t deserve that. He deserves someone who looks out for him, and Campbell … is not that.

Also though, the age difference. Ew. And the fact that Campbell tried to kill him. Double ew.

Daniel/David: I can’t believe I’m saying this for the second time, but I do not support David being with anyone who has murdered children, or has considered murdering children. Just sort of a dealbreaker for me.

On top of that (in case we needed an “on top of that”), he breaks David down into his greatest insecurities and uses them against him, and causes David to make the saddest face I think I’ve ever seen and I actually wanted to cry a little bit, and I cannot tolerate this. Daniel has lost all of my affection and I must hate him forever for emotionally devastating my sonsband in this way.

So nope, really don’t like this ship; totally get why people like it, but it makes me squirmy in all the wrong ways. This has been very difficult for a couple reasons:

Daniel looks just like David. There is something exceedingly attractive about 2 Davids. Yes, I am garbage. Don’t judge me.

The fan art for this ship is so fucking good you guys! SO GOOD

Campbell/Gwen: Gwen deserves someone who knows her fucking name.

And who doesn’t hit her in the face.

And who isn’t wanted by the government.

Gwen deserves better, is what I’m saying.

Pikeman/Gwen: This could be cute in a Neil/Tabii sort of way, if it wasn’t for the fact that Pikeman seems really …

Really creepy. I’m not saying he strikes me as the weird cross-breed of “Nice Guy” and “date-rapey,” but he did kidnap and beat a child.

A lot of the people at the bottom of this list are not very kind to children. And have egos the size of Mount Rushmore. And have weird hair poofs.

Counselor/Camper: So this is a fairly obvious one, for fairly obvious reasons. It’s illegal and predatory and gross, and I feel like David in particular would kill himself before he’d ever hurt a child like that, so it strikes me as out of character. (This doesn’t mean I’m not a fan of any of the campers having crushes on any of the adults; that’s cute as fuck. It’s the adults returning the attraction that’s a big fat nope.)

I feel like I should devote a little extra attention to the Max/David ship, just because it’s by far the most popular and in a weird way … I get it? Don’t get me wrong, it’s at the rock-bottom of this list for a reason, but like I said, there’s something sweet about a grumpy cynic and pure sunshine getting together; if they were the same age I’d totally see these two as a plausible ship.

That being said … they’re not the same age. More than the ick factor, I just don’t think there’s much there? I’ve heard people compare Mavid to Gwenvid, and with good reason (Max and Gwen are similar in a lot of ways), but the difference is that David and Gwen can relate to each other as equals, as coworkers and people going through the same general period of life, with the same level of physical and emotional development, and an ability to support one another.

Max … cannot do that.

There’s a reason the “David adopts Max AU” is hands-down the most popular in the fandom, and it’s because Max needs someone like David. At least while he’s at camp, he needs a father, to be showered in unconditional love and affirmation. The thing is, though, Max can’t return that affection, not the way a partner needs to; he’s not emotionally capable of it. Because he’s a child.

It feels really weird to spill this much ink to say “I don’t like this ship because one of them is 10 years old and one of them’s a freaking adult,” but Max acts so mature that I think it’s easy to forget how young he really is. He’s a kid, and he needs a dad. David’s an adult, and he needs a grown-up. Even shoving the whole “hey guys it’s pedophilia” thing aside — and I realize that’s a hell of an ask, since … yeah, that’s not easy to shove aside — it’s unhealthy and one-sided. Plus it requires David to be a lot more predatory than I’m comfortable with.

Okay, I don’t wanna end this on a downer note, so let me throw a shout out to some really awesome authors who’ve made shipfics that I melt over. In literally no order:

HopefullyPessimistic, “Finding a Family” – Jaspid

Ciphernetics, “You Have Someone That Loves You” – Gwenvid, minor Camvid, minor David/OC

@microsuedemouse, “Second Degree Sunburns” – Gwenvid

funhousefreak, “Bound” – Makkiel

mrsilikemyself, “un año más” – Max/Neil, unrequited Mavid

adrianthealien, “Take the Stupid Flower” – Praxton (tbh, haven’t actually read this one yet, but it looks adorable)

phobiaDeficient (TheTriggeredHappy), “The One Where David Is In Over His Head” – Danvid, not actually Gwenvid but I squinted and saw some

HopefullyPessimistic, “Soulmates” – Marris

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