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bhaalspawnd · 3 years

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no gods, no masters, iii.

Pairing: Benny x F!Courier

read ch. 1 here, read ch. 2 here. read ch. 3 on ao3.

They were all feeling a bit beaten-up after fending off the Legion; the victory was just that, but it felt hollow. They'd be sending assassins after Ava until there were none of them left or she kicked the bucket. The latter was unlikely. She was being quiet as usual, but this quiet felt different. She wouldn't stop looking over her shoulder, a vacant stare in her eye as she did so, and her pace had slowed down considerably compared to the last few days.

The ambush had taken more of their time and energy than they'd planned, and they decided to stop at the 188 Trading Post for the night. There were a handful of NCR soldiers occupying the spot, so it'd be safer than just stopping on the side of the road or off the trail. There were no free beds to spare, but all they needed was a relatively safe place where they wouldn't have to sleep with one eye open; nobody was new to the occasional necessity of sleeping on the ground.

Once they found their own little area to hold up for the evening, the Courier sat down to rest and make a fire. They gave her some space. Boone pulled Benny aside, far enough so that Ava wouldn't hear.

"Right, so," Benny stuck his wrists out in front of Boone, "Gonna leash me back up, huh?"

Boone shook his head, "Actually, no. At least... not now, anyway. That's up to her. About today-"

"Oh, yeah," Benny chewed his lip, taking the gun out of his waistband, "Here you go."

He held it out for the other man to take, but Boone waved his hand, "Keep it. For here. Just in case."

Benny gave him a funny look, "You sure, cat?"

"Yeah," He nodded, glancing behind Benny in Ava's direction, "Just... watch her, alright? She's hurting."

"I will-" Benny moved to stick the pistol back in his pants, but not before Boone grabbed his arm.

"Take advantage, or try anything and I swear to god," Boone said, lowering his shades to look Benny straight in the eye, "I'm not far away. I will be watching, and I will put a bullet in you."

"You're gonna have to come up with a new threat," Benny replied with ire, "That one's getting stale, dig?"

"Be less of an asshole and then maybe I won't have to threaten you." Boone rolled his eyes and turned to walk away. He whistled for Rex, who trotted to the sniper's side and followed along obediently to keep watch.

Boone's 10mm in hand, Benny made his way back to check on Ava. He stashed the gun in the back of his waistband again, hoping he wouldn't need to use it. At least, not tonight, anyway.

Ava was sitting in front of the small campfire she'd made, her legs splayed out in front of her, the toes of her boots tapping together to some beat only she could hear. There was a bottle of whiskey in her lap, and it looked like she was making solid headway on it.

"Hey, hey," Benny crouched down next to her, "What's shakin'?"

"Benny," She turned to him, a dazed smile on her face, "I’m trying to get drunk. Shakin' with you?"

"Ah, nothin' much," He settled down, stretching his legs out next to hers, "Gettin' smashed, huh? Can I get some of that?"

"Mmmmmhm," She hummed, handing him the bottle and watching as he took a deep swig, "It's good shit."

"It's... not bad," Benny swished it around a bit before swallowing, "Got better shit at the Tops, though."

"Yeah, yeah, you're so high and mighty at the Tops, aren't you," Ava poked him hard in the side with her finger, her eyes hazy, "'Benny's gonna show you the Tops', hah."

"Shut up," He snickered, "I did, though. The dent in that mattress was permanent."

She looked over at him, the light from the fire dancing on her features, "I remember."

It was astonishing how terrifyingly stunning she was. That handful of months ago now, when she'd been kneeling on the ground in front of him, her life flashing before her eyes, she'd just looked like a kid, nothing more than a clueless girl who had no idea what kind of package she was carrying.

How had that not been enough in itself to make him reconsider what he’d been doing at the time? He hadn't even thought twice; once he had that chip between his fingers, it was a done deal. He could've let her go, she probably wouldn't have come looking. Even the Great Khans had reservations about the whole thing, but it hadn't stopped him. Shit. He was a piece of shit, an untrustworthy fink, and he knew it. She knew it. Everyone knew it.

Benny looked over at her out of the corner of his eye, "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

Benny rolled his eyes, "Good goddamn lord, woman."

"I'm fucking with you," Ava mused, "Go ahead."

"Last night in Novac. And... earlier today," Benny started carefully, "You, uh, kinda freaked. You looked really messed up."

Ava looked down at her hands, averting her gaze, "Yeah."

"What happened?"

"Ah.... yeah... so, my head does that every now and then," She answered with tight lips, "Ever since... y'know, I got a bullet to the brain from this checkered bastard I know."

"Right," He said guiltily, "Shit."

What could he say that wouldn't sound stupid or disingenuous? He'd shot her in the fucking head and now she was living with the consequences. God, there was a lot he wanted to tell her, but none of it would come out the way he wanted it to.

He sat next to her, quietly cursing himself when she spoke up again, "I get these like... migraines mixed with small bursts of panic attacks. I don't understand them. I've even asked a doc and he doesn't know. I have dreams all the time about people that I don’t recognize. I see their faces and it’s like I’m supposed to know them and I just don’t," She sighed, the heaviness of the conversation beginning to sober her, “And even when I’m awake, sometimes, I see them, too. In the back corner of a mirror, in the desert heat, they're just watching me. Like I'm riding on Daytripper in a bad way, but I'm stone-cold sober. I'm living with ghosts, Benny. People I'm supposed to know, to feel something for, but all they do is confuse me and make my head spin."

Benny frowned, "You don't remember them. Not at all?"

"No. Don't even know if they're dead or alive. It's not like anybody's come looking for me," Ava shook her head, taking a small yellow and green box out of her pocket that said MENTATS on it in rusted red lettering, "The way I see it, everyone from my past is dead, or I'm dead to them. Or I'm just not someone worth searching for."

She said it with bitterness, her brows furrowed and eyes glued to the horizon as she popped a Mentat on her tongue.

"Do they help?" Benny asked, gesturing to the box of chems as Ava rubbed her thumb across the letters.

"Kinda? I mean, everything from before Goodsprings is a blank. I haven't forgotten anybody I've met since then, but I get these, like, little flashes of moments that seem like they're mine, but they're not. At least, not mine anymore. That's when it hurts. When it turns into something like what happened today. I saw somewhere else, like here, but worse. More desolate, if you can believe that. It was like the whole place was in pain, screaming at me. Kinda think it's better that I don't remember."

She shoved the Mentats back into her pocket and inhaled deeply, closing her eyes as she filled herself with the dry Mojave air, "Everything before Goodsprings doesn't matter anymore, not really. Who I was before is gone. I just want to make sure I remember who I am now."

There was a beat of silence, the two of them just sitting and staring at the fire as the wind began to pick up around them. Ava tucked her knees up and rested her chin on them as she stared at the sun slowly making its way towards the edge of the world.

"I'll make sure you don't forget," Benny said quietly, "Been a goddamn fink to you so... I owe you that much. I'll never stop being sorry. I mean that."

Ava turned her head to look over at him, her brows slightly raised in disbelief at his words.

"And for what it's worth, if anything at all," He continued, "I think you're someone worth searching for."

Her eyes softened; he'd never seen her look at him that way before. It was something like... fondness? Appreciation? A lapse in judgment from the whisky and chems? Whatever it was, it pulled at the corners of his mouth. Ava smiled back, the first real one he'd ever seen from her, and it was infectious. Her cheeks dimpled, and she looked almost a little nervous before she settled into it, which made Benny wonder just how many reasons she'd even have to smile these days. A gust of wind blew through their camp, and Ava visibly shivered. Wordlessly, Benny shrugged his jacket off and put it over her shoulders.

"I'm still really fuckin' mad at you," She whispered, "But thank you, Benny."

She didn't wait for him to reply before she scooted closer to him so that their sides were touching. Ava reached for his arm and gently slung it over her shoulders as she rested her head against his chest. He was stiff for a moment, not quite sure if this was a sick joke or not, but when she didn't do anything else besides lean into him, he finally relaxed.

The girl knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to take it; he dug that.

They sat for a while, neither of them saying a word, as the sky grew darker and darker. Vegas glowed like a lantern off in the distance, a stark contrast to the rest of the Mojave bathed in black. With how brightly the skyline shone, the stars had a hard time competing, even though the sky was littered with them. It wasn't often that Benny spent a night out in the dust - that was now more a thing relegated to a former life - and though he wasn't one to live in the past, he couldn't help but feel a pang of nostalgia as he stared up at the constellations. Years of his life spent as a nomad walking the Mojave with the Boot Riders, countless nights just like this, and how quickly he'd tossed it all aside for caps and comfort. He'd have done all that again, he knew, but as he felt Ava relax fully against him, he had more than one regret in the back of his mind. Benny was careful as he glanced down at her, her eyes closed and mouth slightly open as she slept soundly on his shoulder, and gently moved some of the hair away from her face. As he did, his eyes caught the edge of the scar from the bullet.

Yeah, sure-as-shit, more than one regret.

#should I keep posting this here or just updating on ao3 #I don't know #anyway *throws it into the void*#benny x courier #benny gecko #courier six #oc: ava #oc: ava decker #*my writing #otp: born to die

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janetfraiserdeservedbetter · 3 years

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Pins and Needles (Chapter Five)

(Read Chapter One, Two, Three and Four here!)

Rating: PG

Word Count: 1499

Fandom: Stargate SG1

Pairing: Sam Carter x Janet Fraiser

Summary: Janet is a single mother and owner of a tattoo studio. Sam is a florist who has just moved into town. Janet's infatuated. Sam's a disaster gay. Flower shop/Tattoo parlour AU.

Notes: Sorry this took so long and it’s not very long but I’m trying to get the next chapter done! Thanks for sticking in there!

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“You sure you’re okay?” Jack and Janet sat in her truck outside of his house, the full moon casting shadows across the stone path that led to his door. Tall trees loomed over them like great beasts, moving together with the winter wind blowing around the parked car. The smaller woman sighed, staring out into the darkness, hands gripping the steering wheel tight. “Yeah,” she said finally, her honeyed eyes glancing over at him, illuminated only by the dim cab light. “I’m okay. It’s been a long day, that’s all.” “Course.” Janet turned her gaze back to the house. They hadn’t been alone like this since they cut off their ‘arrangement’ and Janet suddenly felt so incredibly lonely. She’d made a promise to herself that she wouldn’t be jealous of the relationship that seemed to be forming between Jack and Sam but she couldn’t help but the bitterness that formed in her mouth when she thought of them together. “Hey, you know if you need anything…”

“I know.” “I can take Cass for the rest of the weekend; give you some time to do what you need to do.” “Thank you, Jack, but I think the more normal I keep things, the more normal I’ll feel.” His hand found hers on the wheel. Their eyes met again and then their lips, her fingers abandoning her death grip to take purchase in his short hair. It was a familiar dance, one that used to thrill and delight her but now it seemed outdated and dull. After only a moment, the redhead pulled away, pressing herself back into the seat with a heavy exhale. “Jack…” "I know. We said we wouldn’t.” He clicked his tongue, gaze dark in the night. “It wouldn’t be fair on you, honey,” she said softly, avoiding his eyes. There was a long pause. “Sam?” They both knew that there was no point in her answering. Her attraction for the woman was as clear as day and as much as she wanted it to be Jack because he was handsome and warm and emotionally unavailable and that meant low commitment, there was something so infatuating about the woman she’d known for a week. “I’m sorry,” she said finally, still tasting his familiar taste on her lips. “Don’t be. You deserve the world, Jan, and Sam’s great.” They shared a smile and Jack unclipped his belt. “See you ‘round.” With that, he was gone. She watched him trudge up the path and into the dark house and sat there a little while longer before heading home to her own lonely bed.

She was glad that Cassie was staying with a friend for the evening, partly so the girl didn’t freak out about the break-in and partly because that meant that Janet could have a breakdown without her daughter worrying. As soon as she arrived home, she’d started running a bath and stripped to her underwear, lighting a few candles in the bathroom as she grabbed a bottle of wine and set up her Bluetooth speaker. There was no need for a glass, she decided and moments later, she was sinking naked, into the water. The bubbles threatened the edge of the dub dangerously as she reclined back, letting Stevie Nicks’ raspy voice fill the room around her. Janet took a long gulp of the wine and closed her eyes, pushing the stress of the day from her as she sang along. All regard for the neighbors went out the window when ‘Dreams’ started and Janet found herself singing the lyrics into the darkness, loudly and without any thought but for herself. “...They say women, they will come and they will go; When the rain washes you clean, you'll know, you'll know...” The tears started unexpectedly. Her hands shook as she put the wine down, gripping the bath for support, her chest aching and body quaking. Fire burned behind her ribs as she gasped for air between the sobs. She wished that she hadn’t turned Jack away but more than that, she wished Sam was there. She’d treated the blonde so badly that morning and yet Sam had been so nice to her after the break-in. Janet wiped her face with a towel, using some of the yoga breathing to calm herself. She reached for her phone, freezing when she saw a missed call notification. It was the same number that had called her that morning at breakfast; even though she’d blocked his number, every so often she’d get calls from unknown numbers and she assumed it was him trying to get to her and Cassie. She’d changed her number countless times but he always found a way to contact her. He had a right to see his daughter, he argued. Janet told him that he’d given up that right when he threatened their lives. She had a restraining order against him but that could only do so much. Not wanting to deal with that right now, she deleted the notification and sent a quick text to Sam. I was awful today, I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you sometime? She set her phone back down and finished her wine. It wasn’t until the water was cold and the candle almost burnt out that she stood, wrapping herself in her largest, coziest towel and retreating to her bed alone.

“So, have you thought about what you want to do for your birthday?” Janet and Cassie sat in a bright corner of Daniel’s cafe, almost completely surrounded by piles of old books but basking in the warm sun filtering through one of the only windows in the shop. Every day was getting colder so the pair had opted for hot chocolates to pass the time as they read their respective books. Cassie looked up from hers, a copy of ‘The Great Gatsby’ that she was reading for class, and shrugged, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. “I don’t know. I think Damien wants to take me to the bowling alley…” Janet’s brows shot up and she grinned playfully. “Damien, huh? Just the two of you or…?” “No,” she responded too quickly, cheeks pinkening. “I mean, I’m sure he said something about his friends coming too.” “Mmhm,” Janet took another sip of her drink and smirked, looking back down at her ‘Tattoo Life’ magazine that Daniel ordered in specially for her. “Do you think Jack and Vala can come over for my birthday...for dinner?” There was never a day that Janet didn’t feel guilty for the lack of family that her daughter was growing up without. Her own parents had almost disowned her when she got pregnant out of wedlock and had actually gone through with it when she got divorced and came out. Her former in-laws were dead and any support the pair had before the divorce was left behind in Montana. “I’m sure they’d love that, honey.” “Sam too?”

An hour later, Janet left the cafe to check on her own store. She and Jack had patched up the broken window the night before but she really needed to organise a more permanent replacement and get some admin done. She loved her job but she hated paperwork the most. Daniel would keep Cassie occupied for some time while Janet got some work done. The small woman stopped in front of her rather sad looking shop and sighed. The business was doing well but this incident would put them back until the insurance could be sorted. Gathering herself, she unlocked the door and made her way into the dark studio. If not for the glass and some tattoo books strewn across the tiled floor, it would have been hard to tell that there ever was a break-in. Setting her coffee down, she sat behind her desk and got to work. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been there, on hold with the insurance company and security firm but eventually, there was a gentle knock on the glass-paneled door. Janet looked up and couldn’t help the smile that came across her face when she saw Sam. “Hey you,” Sam smiled back as Janet got to her feet, stretching, “I saw your light on and I thought I’d come to say hi.” Janet ran a hand through her hair, suddenly aware that she must look a sight in front of the angel that was Sam. “I’m sorry about yesterday,” the smaller woman felt her cheeks warming but she reminded herself that she was a bad bitch and continued. “I was jealous...of you and Jack and I had no right to be.” Blue eyes blinked at her for a long moment and then Sam grinned. “Thank you. Maybe you can make it up to me. Over dinner?” Janet was speechless. She stared at Sam, her tired brain trying to catch up. “I’m free tomorrow night…?” It took Janet another moment to gather her wits and she felt herself back. “Yes ma’am. I’ll pick you up.” “It’s a date.”

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springday-aus · 4 years

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iKon’s Bobby: The Second Chance

Fic Piece Written by: Admin Grandma of @springday-aus

Moodboard Link: Created By Admin Grandpa

Character Pairing: Y/N [gn] and iKON’s Kim Ji Won (Bobby)

Other Characters: Twice [Momo and Jeongyeon] and ex-soulmate!Jisoo [Blackpink]

Genre: romance, little angst (if you squint hard enough), soulmate!au with Bobby (timer + words of the first exchange)

Type: one-shot writing piece

Word Count: approx. 4k

Plot Summary: everyone has a destined soulmate, which can be found through a timer and the words of their first exchange. It was created by the gods to help the humans, in leading a less-chaotic life. Ironically enough, this whole soulmate fiasco is unneeded chaos you would rather live without.

⤷ Alternatively: who the hell says “oh, shit” to their soulmate when they first meet?

Warnings: long-ass intro/set-up before Bobby is introduced; mentions of polytheism; profanity

You stare down at the personal time bomb that’s permanently tattooed along your arm. No matter how hard you increasingly stare at it, the time continues to go down—second by second. You already seem to have begrudgingly admitted your fate as you lay your head in between your history textbook.

You’re doomed. Today’s the day. You’re going to meet your soulmate and it doesn’t seem like the gods were willing to push it back any further.

In another world, you would’ve chosen a life without a soulmate bond. You’re happy with the way you’re life is going now. Things are just settling. You’ve finally gotten your own apartment; you have a stable paycheck and you’re actually able to study what interests you. You might be research soulmates, but you weren’t supposed to worry about meeting your new soulmate for another five years. So, why did no one out of nowhere have to invade your life now?

Too preoccupied with your misery, you don’t notice the little chime from the library’s cafe door. Momo enters, looking past the bookshelves and tables for you—her ankle boots quickly clack on the polished wooden floors as she makes her way through.

She spots you in the corner and walks over, dropping her books on the table. “There you are,” she says. “Sit up, you look like you’re dying.” She takes the seat in front of you, taking in the depression cloud that hovers over your head. “You know, you’re in a public space. You could at least have a nervous breakdown at home, like a normal person.”

You groan. “You don’t even know the half of it.”

“Okay, try me. What happened?”

You simply lay out your arm out, displaying the little numbers counting down.

“You’re meeting your soulmate today? That’s great! I thought you had, like, what? Four—or was it five? Five years, right?”

You finally look at her. “It was five years. But, for some odd reason, the time jumped when I made the decision to meet you and Jeongyeon.”

Momo grins at you. “I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I think the anxiety would have killed me.”

“Let’s just move on. Did you order anything yet?”

“No, not yet. I’ll go now, since I know you’re not actually dying.” Momo flashes another smile at you, before leaving the table to head towards the counter.

Meanwhile, you sit yourself up and clear the table of your previous set-up. It’s fine—everything’s fine. You’ll just focus on what you’re here for in the first place. You pull out your phone for the recording, as well as a notebook and several colored pens. Once Jeongyeon arrives at noon, you can officially start the interview process. Your research is more centered on abnormal soulmate bonds, but you still need normal couples to compare to—Momo and Jeongyeon are the most normal of couples you happen to know.

You take the last sip of your tea and glance around. The library cafe is supposed to be another study area for university students, but it seems like it’s been overtaken by couples. The open windows allow a bizarre amount of sunlight to pour onto the lovey-dovey atmosphere. Empty cups and plates rest on the occupied tables, and everyone’s eyes sparkle as they look into their sweetheart’s eyes, clearly too invested in whatever the hell they’re talking about. Love: what a gross concept.

Momo comes back, with two coffees in hand and Jeongyeon right behind her. They both settle themselves in the seats facing you, setting down their bags and taking off their jackets.

“Geez, (Y/N),” Jeongyeon says. “Try not to look too disgusted.”

“I can’t help what I feel.”

“Go easy on her,” Momo says. “She’s a bit moodier than usual.”

“Oh?” Jeongyeon turns to you with wide eyes. “Why’s that?”

You visibly grimace, practically retreating back into your shell. Momo chuckles, before answering for you. “(Y/N)’s soulmate meeting is happening today.”

“That’s exciting!”

You let out a laugh, but it’s one of disbelief and slight dread. “No, Jeongyeon. It’s not.”

“Why are you even studying soulmates if you hate them so much?”

“To prove my point.”

“Which is?”

“That love is absolute bullshit,” you say. “Even with the gods involved. You know that divorce rates haven’t entirely diminished, right? My research proves that at least three percent of soulmate bonds don’t actually work out. Seventy percent of soulmates may have succeeded, but ten percent have the possibility of getting reassigned.”

“Yup,” Momo says. “That’s our lil’ ray of sunshine.” Her eyebrows furrow, realizing something. “Isn’t this, like, a conflict of interest? You know, since you and Jisoo ended up splitting—”

“Nope.” You cut her off, refusing to let her bring up that painful memory. “Nope, none at all.”

Momo gives her a pointed look.

“Drink your coffee,” you say to her. You focus your attention elsewhere. You clear your throat, in hopes of moving away from the topic of your first-soulmate rejection. Luckily, the Jisoo incident happened before Jeongyeon joined your little friend group as Momo’s soulmate, but it doesn’t hurt any less because you don’t bring it up often.

You try not to think about Jisoo often, especially since you were basically kids when you’d first met. You don’t think about how you felt when you first saw her on the kickball field in the fourth grade, or how the wind danced with her hair and the light sparkled against her skin. You don’t remember how bright Jisoo’s smile was when you first looked at each other. You don’t think about you practically spent your entire childhood together—up until sophomore year.

You don’t think about how much pain you felt when someone—who you were supposed to be with for the rest of your life—suddenly left you because the gods decided you were no longer meant to be together. You don’t think about how shocked you were when Jisoo dropped their relationship so quickly once her timer reset. You don’t think about how angry you still are whenever you see those stupid teenage soulmate bondings in front of your face, as if the gods are rubbing salt into your wounds.

You don’t think about how Jisoo and stupid Junmyeon got together a bit too quickly, especially when you two had only broken up a week ago. You don’t think about how they were practically showcasing their relationship all throughout the rest of high school. You don’t think about how they’re probably married now, living in some generic neighborhood with their stupid kids and stupid minivan.

Nope, you don’t think about it at all.

Your fists clench, nearly snapping the pen in your hand. Momo sips on her coffee.

Jeongyeon glances between you two before speaking up. “So, why are we here? I think our soulmate bonding went just fine.”

You try to refocus, racking your brain for the right words. “From what I remember, you didn’t have some corny Nicholas Sparks designed meeting. Plus, I’ve known Momo since middle school, so I can ask whatever I want to get the data I need.”

Jeongyeon hums in agreement. Then, she leans towards you with a particular look in her eyes. “You know, there’s conspiracy theories that the government is behind all of this. They all probably drugged our water and all of this is an illusion.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The theories. There’s one that says pollution is to blame. All those harmful chemicals that are up in the air, went into our water, and it’s causing us to hallucinate. The government is using this to cover it up.”

Momo rolls her eyes. “Yeonnie, you think the government’s involved with everything.”

Jeongyeon turns her body towards Momo. “We’re in the presence of an expert—”

“Grad student.”

“—we might as well confirm it.”

“First of all,” you say. “That’s not how this works.” You pause, placing a hand under your chin and the other to twirl your pen. “You two experienced it first-hand, shouldn’t you understand how this works better than I do?”

“Our first exchange was rather generic,” Momo says. “Someone else introduced us. The first words Jeongyeon said to me was literally ‘what up my guy.’”

To prove her point further, she shows the words inscribed on her wrist—written in perfect little cursive, alongside a blank timer that’s clean of numbers in line.

“We met in high school,” Jeongyeon says. “You should’ve known there was gonna be a stupid line on there. It’s not like yours was any better. Do you think I enjoyed having the words ‘I’m sorry, what?” on my wrist?”

“I needed you to repeat the words! I didn’t actually think you’d be my soulmate.”

“Didn’t you hear the chimes, bells—whatever you call them—when I said it? Or the little tingle from your arm?”

“Well, I did. But I needed to confirm it. At least, that’s what I was thinking at the time.”

“You know,” you say. “The whole point of the chimes and the timer tingle, as you called it, is for you to know that that person is your soulmate. The research time assumes the gods made that modification, after the fraud crimes started to go up around the first generation of the soulmate bonds.”

“That was a thing?” Jeongyeon asks.

You nod. “That—that was actually a thing.”

“Wait, (Y/N),” Momo says. “You got a new phrase! What does yours say now?”

The couple stare at you, but you move your arms underneath the table and turn away. In hopes that they wouldn’t be able to hear you, you mutter under your breath. “It says, ‘oh shit.’”

Unfortunately for you, Jeongyeon picks up on it. “Oh shit?”

You nod slowly, feeling yourself sink into your seat, and reconfirming her words. “It says ‘oh shit.’”

“Oh,” Momo says. “Shit.”

You sigh.

“I’m sure it’s not as bad as it seems,” Jeongyeon says.

“Yeah,” Momo says. “Maybe the gods have something special planned for you, especially since they kind of screwed you over the first time.”

You lean back against your chair, your arms wrapping themselves around you tighter. “Let’s just focus back on you two. After this, I just need to go home and stay home. If I’m lucky, nothing will happen and the time will change back to five years.”

Your plans to hole yourself in at home are officially ruined.

After the official interview session, Momo and Jeongyeon were planning on going to the farmers market. However, Jeongyeon had forgotten she’d already made plans with an old friend of hers—something about an engagement and party planning—which is how Momo successfully ropes you into coming with her instead.

“Come on, (Y/N),” Momo says. “They probably have some of those fruits that you like. You don’t even need to worry about meeting your soulmate yet. You have time.”

So, here you are at the farmers market in front of a grape stand. Momo stands over each bundle, inspecting each bunch carefully. Meanwhile, you’re just there, next to her, smiling awkwardly at the lady on the other side of the time from time to time.

For a while, you stand there in silence, but then you finally ask her. “Do I really need to be here?”

“Yes, I’m not like you,” Momo says. “I can’t be alone for a long period of time.”

“You were probably going to be here for a couple of hours max.”

“Still. I don’t like being out alone. You should know this by now.”

“Gods bless for Jeongyeon.”

“Speaking of which,” Momo says, trying to be cautious with her words. “I don’t think you have to worry about your new soulmate.”

“Momo, I really don’t want to talk about this.”

“I know you don’t. But, this could be good for you. You haven’t been the same since Jisoo left and I know you’re still hurt, but it happened in sophomore year. You need to move on...maybe that’s why you’re meeting your new soulmate today.”

“That can still change.”

“I don’t think you should get your hopes up. It’s been years since Jisoo. Face the facts: this is happening today.”

You sigh, knowing Momo isn’t going to let go of the subject. “Well, I still think this whole scheme is bullshit.” You pick at the stems of some of grapes in arm’s reach. “The gods should have left me alone after deciding to pair off Jisoo and Junmyeon together.”

“They’re able to find their happiness. You have the right to find yours too.” Momo stands back up, facing you. “All of this.” She gestures towards your face. “Is more of a reason to push it.”

“But, why?”

“Well, you know what they say.”

“No, I don’t.”

“‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.’”

Momo’s car rolls up in front of your apartment complex. After putting it into park and turning on her blinkers, she looks at you, but you’re already unbuckling yourself from the car seat.

“Have a fun night in with Coconut.”

“Oh, I plan to. And, please let Jeongyeon know I said thanks again for today.”

“Of course.”

With that said, you get out of the car and slam the door shut, ready to wrap yourself in a soft blanket and cuddle with your cat. You’re able to head into the building, only to hear Momo shout from her car window. “Hey! Wait!”

You turn around. “What?”

“Keep me updated on the soulmate thing! Let me know how it goes.”

“Alright, bye.”

“Bye!”

With a wave, you watch Momo’s care drive off. You take notice of a familiar car that rolls up to the building. Gods, it’s your neighbor from across the hall. He has never personally disturbed you, but it wouldn’t hurt anyone if he learned how to properly park his car, play his music at a more appropriate volume, or have less house parties on weeknights. You understand that he’s a more social person, at least more social than you, but still.

What’s his name again? It starts with a B... Brian? Billy? Bob? It’s Bobby! You vaguely remember seeing it on his mailbox. You really should make an effort to know your neighbors better. Someone could be a serial killer and you wouldn’t even know it. You shake your head, taking yourself out of your thoughts.

You enter the building swiftly, in hopes of avoiding Bobby. You walk through the lobby and into the elevator, pressing the button for the sixth floor. As the doors start to close, a hand comes between the doors and you have to suppress a groan.

Bobby’s face pops in with an apologetic smile, but it doesn’t stop you from giving him a couple of choice words in your head. You look away from him, trying not to make eye contact.

Despite being neighbors, you don’t talk to one another. Granted, it’s normal since it’s only been a couple of months since you’ve officially moved in. But, you can’t seem to recall if you’ve actually spoken to him. There’s been the polite smiles, nods, and the occasional waves (and some secret glares you give him from previously mentioned disturbances), but never an actual greeting.

Although, you have heard things. It’s not that you mean to eavesdrop—it just happens. The rooms are close enough and the walls are fairly thin; eavesdropping was bound to occur. One night, you were organizing your data from the previous week, you had overheard one of Bobby’s friends (Junhoe, maybe?) laughing his ass off from across the hall. Long story short, whenever he meets his soulmate, they won’t be thrilled to meet him.

You couldn’t help yourself from glancing down at his arm. It’s fully covered by his shirt’s sleeve, yet the wrist exposes his partner’s oh-so special words: you need to get the fuck off of me. You almost laugh aloud just thinking about it, but you suppress it by biting on your lower lip and focus on the elevator’s floor.

Yeah, he could play his music a bit quieter and learn how to wear less cologne, but you can’t help but feel sorry for the poor guy. You can only imagine what would happen for those words to be uttered.

The elevator stops at the sixth floor and the both of you get off—footsteps matching one another’s. You remain silent as you both make your way to the end of the hall. With another polite smile exchanged to one another, you unlock your door and step into your respective home.

Once you shut the front door, you’re greeted by Coconut. You can’t help but coo at the little ball of white fur that walks between your legs, rubbing his head on your ankles with a soft purr.

“Hi baby, did you miss me?” You pick him up, hugging him against your chest. “It’s just you and me tonight.”

You bounce him a bit in your arms, lost in your own world and that’s when you hear it—a strong bass beat plays in the background. Your face contorts—gods, you’re really praying for his soulmate.

The bright light of the TV shines against the darkness of your living room—well, at least you and your couch. You sit cross-legged with Coconut lying comfortably on your lap, a blanket on your shoulders, and the remote in hand. You go through the movie selection your Netflix account, before debating whether or not if you should watch something else or just bury yourself underneath your sheets to avoid your up-incoming doom.

You could binge-watch a random show for the time to go by quicker, or you could take one of your fifty milligram sleeping pills—which Jeongyeon gave you a while back. One of those suckers is enough to knock you out for the next twelve hours.

If you’re being honest with yourself, you don’t really feel the need to do anything too drastic. You’re prepared to stay in for quite a few days. You’re well-stocked on food and you don’t need to go to the lab until the next week. Also, Coconut doesn’t need to go out, so that means you don’t have to go out. Had you gotten that cute Pomeranian from the shelter instead, you might’ve had to meet your soulmate sooner rather than later.

You find yourself grimacing once more at the thought of having to meet your new soulmate. If the first one didn’t work out, what’s to stop the second one from doing just the same? Granted, you’ve interviewed a lot of couples and most worked out on the second try. Key term: most.

There was that one lady who divorced, at least, three of her soulmates. The gods must have given up after the third try, because she ended up dying alone. You should’ve been left along, just like that lady.

Jisoo is certainly thriving with her new soulmate—you can say whatever you want, but nothing’s stopping you from seeing all the godsforsaken photos on Facebook or Instagram.

Nope. Nope, you’re not dealing with this. You’ve already covered up the timer with some bandage wrap (who knew that the first aid kit would come in handy) to prevent yourself from looking at it all night. Maybe if you sleep now, the would just reset back to five years. That sounds reasonable...right?

No one has ever successfully avoided their soulmate. All throughout history, it shows that timers would just reset. You aren’t trying to avoid your soulmate forever—you’re just trying to avoid whoever your soulmate is now. You were fine with waiting for five years, or even ten. What are the gods thinking? You’re not ready for this. You should’ve been given a warning or something: all of this is just giving you a migraine.

You shut off the TV and move yourself off the couch, despite Coconut’s protesting meows. You move towards the door and the windows, making sure they are securely locked. You might not trying to find your soulmate, but that doesn’t stop the gods from making them coming to you. Shame that there’s nothing you can do about the fire escape; that’s a lost cause.

As you look out the window, you can easily spot out Bobby once again. What is it about today that you’re seeing him all over the place? He’s dressed in more casual war—compared to when you saw him in the elevator. He’s yelling and laughing with some of his friends in plain sight.

“I’m meeting my soulmate today!” He yells. “Whatever happens, happens!”

All of them start to chant like frat boys. “Bar hop! Bar hop! Bar hop!”

Oh dear gods.

You move yourself away from the window and go over your mental checklist again. After securing the locks one more time, you walk over to your bedroom and crawl into the full-sized bed, quickly making yourself familiar with your sheets. Coconut follows shortly after, jumping onto the bed and nuzzling his nose towards you.

Reaching out, you pet him and scratch his chin, then you speak with a soft whisper. “Good night, Coco.”

Someone’s in the living room.

You’re trying to ignore it.

There’s a crash, followed by a couple of swear words, which is followed by another crash.

Coconut has woken up, meowing at the closed door that separates you from possibly experiencing life or death. You bury your head further into the pillow. This—this cannot be happening right now.

You should’ve taken the sleeping pill.

There’s another crash, followed by heavy footsteps, which are now right outside your bedroom door.

That’s when you realize: you didn’t lock the bedroom door. That’s it. You’re going to die.

You swiftly grab your phone from your nightstand and turn it on silent mode, before retreating back underneath the sheets. You can easily call the police if they actually come in, but what if it’s too late?

You don’t bother poking your head out. Instead you cling onto the comforter and try to quiet down your breathing. Is it a burglar? A thief? Or worse? Could it be…?

Meanwhile, Coconut moves himself off the bed and towards the corner, already losing interest in the odd noises. You should’ve gotten the dog.

Your door opens and the footsteps get closer, eventually stopping at the edge of your bed. Your heart drops. What’s this person going to do?

You grunt from the sudden weight being thrown on top of you. Because for some reason, this fool—this complete stranger—has laid himself on top of you. Well, technically, next to you, but his body is spread out—an arm and a leg lays on top of you.

The familiar smell of alcohol hits your nose. That’s definitely vodka.

This idiot is drunk.

Your curiosity gets the best of you and you end up tugging the comforter down, taking a peek at the intruder. You’re met with the view of Bobby. His bangs dangle down, brushing softly against your forehead. Your eyebrows furrow: this can’t be right.

He’s slightly sweaty. His skin looks like he’s shimmering. His eyelashes have an almost perfect curl to them. His cheeks are flushed and his mouth is slightly opened, his natural pink lips are parted to let out his breath. Your heart pounds in your chest, flustered from the close proximity.

You nudge him once.

He doesn’t wake up.

You push him, nearly shoving him off your bed. He finally awakes, cracking an eye at you, only to shut it again with embarrassment written on his face.

“Oh, shit,” he says. He laughs at himself. “I’m in the wrong apartment, aren’t I?”

Your heart stops, feeling the tingle from your arm and the little chimes in your head. Your head spins and you rack your brain, trying to find the words to respond to him. Ironically enough, you can only think of the one phrase you should have been avoiding. “You need to get the fuck off of me.”

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theboyz-engup · 5 years

Text

To All The Boyz I’ve Loved Before; Letter Five

Summary- It was wonderful what a few little letters could do; they could make or break a friendship, cause someone to laugh or smile, make someone remember the time of their life or that moment they wanted to forget. Just some words on paper and poof, everyone knew the way your heart beat and workings of your brain. High school really did wonders on you, as did those twelve boys. Maybe they didn’t know it, but they changed your whole life with each smile, each wave, and each word you typed into paper. You made them permanent, and now they had to know why.

Word Count- 8.3k

Previous Letter - Next Letter

Hyunjoon unlocked the door to his dorm, exhausted and sweaty from practice. He wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near his university at this time but he moved in early because of a dance school he signed up for. The summer heat made him regret it, though he could still feel his cheeks hurting from the grins of getting his moves right. Ever since that injury in grade eleven, Hyunjoon had been scared to be too rough with his moves; but today showed him he could do more than he thought he could. Thinking back on that, Joon smiled shyly to himself, rather proud.

As he passed by the three empty rooms that would soon be occupied by his roommates, he caught sight of himself in the mirror in the hallway and sighed. He could not get on the train back home looking like this, his mum would be extremely disappointed and fuss over his skin and hair. He took one look at the clock, timed himself mentally, and began his little mission.

Luckily, he left the house quickly and managed to make it to the train station with time to spare. His headphones in, he played the song he was practicing in dance class and shifted around in his spot trying to mimic the moves without seeming obnoxious in public. One hand held a juice packet Sunwoo gave him that was supposed to help with his electrolytes or something to that effect, which Hyunjoon had to admit was growing on him. He always saw his friend chugging these down, especially in the summer after his practice games for soccer, and thought it was ridiculous until he had the watermelon one- and wow.

It was a good day, filled with sun and no clouds that passed overhead. Despite the heat and humidity, Hyunjoon felt at peace. He was excited to go home and see everyone again, even Sunwoo said he’d be back this week. It would be nice to hang out just one more time before everyone went their separate ways. That thought wiped his little smile off his face and made his bones take pause. University was really going to end your little group, wasn’t it?

Clicking his tongue, Hyunjoon sat down on a bench, bringing his knees up to cross his legs comfortably. He couldn’t think of doing much more other than taking a break. He would have plenty of time to practice and dance and do what he loved. Maybe he should relax and even see what you’d written to him this week. Over the course of the summer, you went travelling with your brother and promised to send everyone notes from wherever you were. You started off in Lisbon and worked your way wherever you wanted. Last you chatted, you were in the south of France, on your way home. Hyunjoon reached inside his bag, pulling out the letter he got. Despite the mess of not being able to see each other much this final summer, these postcards made him grin. It was like you were right there with him and Amalia, when they read it together, or whenever Sunwoo called him to laugh about the stupid shit you sometimes said.

Another tinge of sadness hit his heart but he ignored it. As he grasped his letter, he stood up for the coming train. The wind from it nearly blew the letter away but he caught it in mid-air, side stepping a bit and bumping into a lady. She gave him a rude look, not caring much for his apology or his bow, but it didn’t bother Hyunjoon much. He was used to the blush on his cheeks at this point, somehow always feeling shy about something. Getting on the train with the air conditioning on and sun streaming into the cars, he found his seat and quickly settled to read what you had to say next about your trip.

Dear Heo Hyunjoon,

I know it’s weird to write to you in a letter but I hope you can forgive me this one time. It’s not like you’re ever going to read it anyways but I just needed to tell you, or at least imaginary you, how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s all been confusing and weird but I want you to know that, despite everything, you’re still one of my best friends. I hope we stay this way.

Late November, 2015

“Y/n!”

Hyunjoon came running down the halls, slipping past people with his very long flannel waving behind him in the wind he was making. He nearly tripped but made a graceful circle and managed to make it in one piece next to you. You were at your locker, waiting for Amalia, whose class was running late again. Looking up, you were faced with a tall, spindly boy who was clutching makeup in his hands.

“Can you help me?” His voice was worried, like he was genuinely worried. You snorted, plucking the concealer and the sponge from his hand. He was going to a performance right after school and he needed to look perfect. All of you were going too which explained why he looked stressed out of his mind. He wouldn’t have time to get ready so he needed to take all his time at lunch, which meant all of your time.

“C’mon,” you hummed, motioning for him to follow you to the hallway behind the auditorium where you’d done Amalia’s makeup, “and text Sunwoo because god knows where he is now.”

Hyunjoon made a sound to tell you he heard you, whipping out his phone as he kept up his pace beside you. You pulled him away from people he was going to walk into as he texted, shaking your head a bit but finding it funny.

“Should I tell Amalia too?”

Nodding, you rounded the final corner to find the place you’d been almost exactly a year ago. The memory of Younghoon helping you with Amalia’s makeup reminded you of the time you spent here, seeing everything in gold. It hadn’t been long but somehow, you felt like you’d changed. You couldn’t quite decide if it was for better or for worse.

Hearing a small ‘ouch’, you turned just in time to see Joon rubbing at his shoulder and disconnecting himself from the wall. “When did that get there?”

The laugh that escaped your mouth couldn’t be stopped, though you just motioned for him to sit down on the chair. He was much taller than you sitting down even so you huffed, trying to figure out a good place to put him to help. Seeing the high counter that stretched from the mirrors to put bags and the like on it, you dared to sit and realized he would be the perfect height if he just-

“Can you stand up for a second?”

Quietly, he did as he was told and you felt a bit of relief. With the light coming from the mirrors behind you, which you switched on just now, you could see all his little blemishes. Joon looked timid now, a bit of pink on his cheeks as he removed his eyes from you.

“What is it?” you asked, pressing a bit of the concealer on the back of your hand and getting to work. He had quite a few red spots, acne from stress or maybe bad food getting to him. Clicking your tongue, you reached in your bag, hoping to find something that could control the redness before you dabbed the concealer on.

“Also, do you have a colour corrector or something?”

Hyunjoon, who was going to answer your first question, shifted focus and reached into the pockets of his flannel. He had to go deep but eventually pulled out a little, unopened box, and raised an eyebrow. “This is?”

“Sure is,” you mumbled, taking that out first and dabbing it on all his little spots. You didn’t notice it right away but your mouth fell open just a bit, mimicking what you’d seen your parents do when they focus. Hyunjoon’s eyes fell to the floor again though he stepped closer, hands folding in front of him.

The silence that filtered by, which was dabbed with students laughing or passing by and the commotion of a lunch room far away, felt tense to you. Pressing your lips together, you knew he wasn’t going to say anything unless you did.

“Seriously, what’s wrong?”

His cheeks became more and more red and you knew that no amount of colour corrector would fix that. No words came through and you frowned, dropping your hands to look at him properly. A wild guess came through your teeth, eyes noticing the way he was fidgeting with his fingers. The hand that was free of makeup came to place itself on top of them and give them a squeeze.

“Hey, you’re going to do great today, Joon,” you crooned, hoping he would take your words as a promise, “you’re amazing at dance, you know you are. You and the rest of your group are going to kill it. Don’t worry about Astro or S.T.A.Y. Academy or anyone else. You just gotta believe in yourself.”

Your other hand bumped against his chest encouragingly, as if that was supposed to help. Sometimes, you were deathly awkward when trying to comfort people. Physical touch made you feel better sometimes but definitely not a little chest-fist bump or something stupid like that. You cringed at yourself, hoping he didn’t think it was weird.

“T-thanks, y/n,” he said, sounding sincere. An exhale left his lips with those words, a breath he seemed to be holding for a very long time coming out in those seconds. The little smile that touched your cheeks was enough to make you feel like you’d done something good.

“I just don’t want to bring the team down,” he continued, looking a bit sad but mostly anxious. Listening was no problem, letting him say the few words he could manage while you finished up your work on his skin.

“They’re all so good. Changmin and Hyunjae and even Juyeon, they’re all so good. I feel dumb asking them to help reteach me some moves but I just want to perfect it. I want to be just as good but also have my own style. It’s weird and complicated but I like it: I like it so much, y/n.”

“That’s why you’ll do good though,” you promised, hearing this over and over and just starting to believe it, “when you do something you like, you do well in it because you like it and try hard at it. You don’t have to be the best ever. Just do your best, which is pretty damn good if you ask me.”

He let his hand slip into yours and somehow, something shifted in your heart. This felt so different than how you meant it the first time, your heart somehow beginning to hammer in your throat. Hyunjoon looked entirely vulnerable now, eyes meeting yours with no filter over them. You felt yourself getting lost in them and the way they shifted from darker brown to lighter brown. It was only a second but the moment seemed to drag on in your reality.

One more little squeeze was given, this time from him as he admitted, “that means a lot, y/n. You’re a good liar but I don’t think you’re lying about this and that makes me feel really good.”

“Oh, come on,” you whined, letting the moment break as you tapped your hand against his chest to push him a bit at his little joke, “I lied about one thing once, that doesn’t make me a liar.”

Hyunjoon was now laughing, eyes nearly slits as his lips touched his ears, chuckle barely audible unless you were as close as you were to him. “Two months is a long time!” “Shut up,” you complained, though you couldn’t help but giggle as well. You swatted at him, creating enough distance to not make Amalia suspicious as she entered the hallway.

“Thought I heard you guys,” she said, looking exhausted from her class. You pulled her closer for a small hug, which she fell into. Her head rested on your chest, not thinking of removing herself as she whined, “I hate science so much.”

“What happene-”

Joon was in the middle of asking what was wrong when Sunwoo came bounding around the corner. He was running so fast he nearly slipped straightening his steps to meet your group, just about yelling to get your attention. He got it all right, eyes bright and sweat on his forehead from running, you guessed.

“And where have you been?” Amalia groaned, arms still wrapped around your waist as she rested against you. She didn’t notice how bright he looked, not like you did.

“Oh my god, did you get it?”

Sunwoo, out of breath, nodded. He looked beyond happy, unable to say what he wanted to say. Your screech echoed as you threw your hands around his neck, bringing him closer. Amalia was very obviously squished and it took her a while until she realized what Sunwoo meant.

“Got what? Am I missing so- oh my- Sunwoo!”

She joined in on the hug, jumping up and down as best as she could. Hyunjoon was grinning as well, seemingly understanding without feeling the need to be as loud as you and Amalia were.

“Congrats, Woo.” Joon’s hand patted his back before Sunwoo went to give him a hug as well, nearly jumping into his arms.

After the correct greetings went around, Sunwoo began to explain how it happened. He was playing some soccer in the gym and his phone rang and he didn’t want to check but something inside him said he had to check. He answered and suddenly his whole life had changed- he was going to be on a television show as a trainee under his new company. He was beyond excited, not even stopping to take a breath as he spoke. When he did, he inhaled deeply and then wen all over again, words falling out of his mouth like torrential rain. Hyunjoon was following along, trying to be excited but you noticed the worry that seeped between his eyebrows. Behind Amalia, you reached for his arm and touched it lightly. When your eyes met, you smiled for him. Slight relief spread through him,

“Told you I was going to be a rapper, didn’t I?”

Sunwoo’s proud face filled your gaze as you looked back at his straight shoulders and the new light in his eyes. For a second, you remembered how he was pressing this fact when you bumped into him the first time. The smile that touched your lips was enough for you to think yes, we’ve all come very far from a year ago.

I felt bad because I thought maybe Sunwoo stole your thunder that day, but man you should’ve seen you dance. You looked better than ever on that stage and you looked so happy- but I felt like you had something to prove. Amalia kept looking at Sunwoo, amazing at how well he’d done to get casted and I knew it upset you, so you danced harder. There wasn’t anything you wouldn’t do for her and I doubt that’s ever going to change. You liked her so much that I doubt you saw how much she liked you. Silly how little things like emotions can blind us.

Late December, 2015

Amalia was video-chatting with you, though neither of you were speaking at the moment. Both of you were focused on getting ready for your little outing tonight, which resulted in needing to call for opinions and just refusing to hang up at this point. As you fixed your hair in the mirror, she came with you, dabbing makeup onto her face. You followed her as she moved from room to room looking for good lighting. In the background of her video, she was playing music she knew both of you liked so you could listen in without hanging up.

“Still there?” she asked, noticing you’d gone still as you decided on covering up the blemishes on your skin. You’d paused in your spot for so long that it clearly worried her but you only made a sound.

“Are my zits and whatever noticeable?” The frown on your face was prominent as you moved your face way too close to the screen. She giggled, clicking her tongue.

“You look fine, just finish getting ready.”

“You’re not ready either,” you whined, pressing back at her but noticing she’d done most of her makeup already. On her lips, she applied lip gloss very carefully before responding, knowing it was her weakest skill.

Once she capped her gloss and set it down, she looked straight into the camera and chimed, “done,” with a little grin on her face. You stuck your tongue out at her but she filled you in with the rest of the details of how she was getting to your house. Lifting up a small bag, she gave you an encouraging look, talking about how excited she was for your sleepover.

“We haven’t had one in such a long time, it’ll be so exciting,” she drew out, looking bright as ever, “plus, I get a weekend away from my parents, which is sick.”

“Hush,” you chided, a bit of a chuckle catching in your throat, “you’re going to get back here after the party and cry because you miss them.”

“Maybe so,” she deadpanned, hoping to mimic a popular video you both laughed at. With that, she wished you goodbye, saying she’d be at yours soon.

“Be ready!” she pressed before blowing you a kiss and hanging up. You waved before she did so and then quickly closed your laptop to finish up. You decided on everything in split seconds, needing to clean up your room as well to make up for having someone over. Hardly finishing, the sound of Barly’s barks alerted you that Amalia’s car was pulling in.

“I’ll get it!” Your call echoed through the house and you ran down the stairs and to the door, opening it before Amalia rang the doorbell. Her hand was against the door but you were quicker, grin spreading across your face as Barly kept on barking.

“Shh,” you whispered to him, rubbing between his ears for a second before giving Amalia a quick hug.

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” you admitted, taking her in only for her to drop off her stuff before the party. Tonight was definitely going to be some type of magic, you could feel it. Deep down though, there was a warning in your heart. The nervous jitters spilling down your spine were enough to distract from it.

You replayed that moment over and over again as you sat on the kitchen counter, sipping at your pop. There was alcohol there and you did have some but it made you feel lightheaded so you left to sit in the kitchen and think. People filtered in and out, music bumped up against the walls and made cups shiver, but everything was a little bit muffled where you were- just a little bit distant.

It never hit you how entirely awkward and anti-social you became after a certain while around people, especially students who ranged from your age and up. Yet, sitting there, all you really wanted to do was go home. Amalia was definitely having a lot of fun though, dancing and singing and playing beer pong while convincing others to take the drinks for her. You envied how outgoing she was, looking at her excitedly talk to Hyunjoon, who was listening very closely. He leaned down, ear close to her mouth to hear over the music and laughed when she told her joke.

“They look good together, don’t you think?”

Sunwoo’s voice trickled in over the general noise, snapping you out of your thoughts. He was wearing a white tee and beige pants buckled around his hips, hands firmly in his pockets. You wondered where his jacket went but didn’t ask, knowing it was too hot in here anyways. His hair was growing longer, falling into his eyes again. For a brief moment, you realized how good he really looked.

Had you never seen Sunwoo before until then?

“Hmm?” The sound slipped from your lips, genuinely confused about the words that came out of his mouth. Replaying the moment in your mind to try and output a proper response, you had to look away and back at the two of them. He was right.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Sunwoo, taking his place beside you, hoisted himself up and reached across you for an unopened bag of chips. He rested them on your lap after opening it, mumbling, “everything okay?”

He liked to do this, act casual when he was really concerned about your well-being. Except, he never realized that he was generally more affectionate doing so. Smiling a bit, you nodded and wondered what to do next. You didn’t want to just sit there and force Sunwoo to talk to you, nor did you want to take him away from the party which was partially thrown in his honour for his acceptance into a television show. Picking up your now empty bottle, you were suddenly struck.

“Let’s play a game or something,” you suggested, elbowing Sunwoo lightly in his ribs to grab his attention, “and be basic teenagers, like in the movies.”

Noticing the bottle in your hand, he snorted, shaking his head. Chips in his mouth, he started, “Spin the bottle? Y/n, I really don’t know about that.”

“But it could be fun, we could set out ground rules and whatever,” you suggested, waving the bottle in front of his eyes with a silly grin on your face. He was amused, though he was trying to hide it as he swatted at the glass in your hands. You watched ideas play behind his eyes but couldn’t tell what they were.

“Spin the bottle?” Amalia called from just outside the kitchen, Joon just behind her. She had gathered Jace and Shankeri, holding them by the hands as she dragged them forwards excitedly. “Yes! Oh my god, yes!”

“You sound like you’re getting proposed to,” Jace quipped, looking unsure. His tongue always did bite when he was the slightest bit uncomfortable. Sunwoo held back a snort, ignoring the look he got from Amalia as she grasped the bottle and clutched it towards her chest.

“It’ll be fun and we can have rules for people who wanna play but don’t wanna get smooched fully and ah, it’ll be so fun! Don’t you think?”

The last bit was aimed at Hyunjoon, who was unusually silent. He was put in an awkward position though. You see, he always said yes to Amalia; there was something about her smile that could convince him of anything. He couldn’t say no even if he wanted to, and so, he nodded.

“I think the rules thing is a good idea,” he said softly, placing a hand on Amalia’s head. They exchanged a rather sweetened look, one that made you happy to see. Amalia had been pining over Hyunjoon since they first met and you thought that maybe there could be something out of this little party that would make them grow closer. Sunwoo elbowed you lightly, snickering before they could see.

Once Amalia snapped out of it, she started taking votes for who was up for it. You, though having brought it up, were unsure but Amalia took it as a yes. Shankeri made a slightly worried face but agreed as well. Jace breathed better knowing he didn’t have to subject to the normal rules and put his hand up too. The last person to agree was Sunwoo, who protested a bit before sighing.

“Not like I’ll win anyways,” he huffed under his breath, hopping off the high counter. He looked towards you as they all filtered off to the living room to find more recruits. Extending his hand, Sunwoo asked, “need help getting down?”

“My hero,” you drawled, hopping off yourself but very close to him. He laughed, somewhere between surprised and impressed and followed after you to the gathering of students.

“You jump like a cat,” he stated, almost incredulous.

“Learned from the best.” Your eyes drifted over to Hyunjoon, who was always trying to teach everyone how to fall properly so they didn’t hurt themselves. Sunwoo sat right down with you in the circle, mostly comprised of people your age that either Hyunjoon or Sunwoo or Amalia knew. You preferred not to talk to too many people, knowing you’d get a bit confused after a while, though some kids you knew from class.

Amalia explained the rules very pointedly, cradling the bottle between her two hands and the floor. Her legs were crossed and she looked sophisticated, like a teacher telling a classroom what to do. The room was enraptured, though some people asked dumb questions and causes waves of laughter to go up and down. Either way, it was decided that everyone had to either be a cheek kisser and receiver or a lip kisser and receiver. It seemed only fair for those who wanted to play for fun, and that was how Amalia explained it.

About half the kids split into cheek and the other into lip. Unsurprisingly, all of your friends were in the former category, neither one of you having had your first kisses yet. You were all rather sentimental about those too, wishing for them to be special. As you watched the bottle get spun and prayed it didn’t land on you, you wondered what it would be like to have your first kiss. Would it be sweet, after a date? Would it be passionate and crazy, like the person had chased you after you ran away from something and grabbed your cheeks and kissed you?

These ideas were in your head often but you never quite acted on them because, well, whenever you imagined it, the person kissing you wasn’t a real person. They were just someone. You never imagined kissing someone yet, not even Chanhee, who was your closest thing to even then beginnings of a relationship. It wasn’t until a girl named Heeju came up and planted a kiss on your cheek after asking very nicely did you realize it was your turn.

Very hesitantly, you reached out and spun. It was a weak spin but it seemed to take forever until-

Hyunjoon’s eyes met with yours carefully, as if trying to read you. There was just the slightest bit of shock on your face and you tried to say that maybe it was for the person next to him but the rest of the crowd was invested.

“Hyunjoon! It’s Hyunjoon!”

“Come on, go and kiss him!”

Sunwoo’s elbow hit your side again, this time a little harder to grab your attention. He seemed to shake his head, looking discretely at Amalia. When you met her eyes, you could tell she was almost watching to see what you’d do. She looked guarded for once and you were caught.

“I- I’ll just spin again, it’s-”

“No, you can’t,” a girl to the left of you called, shaking her head fervently. The more you tried to protest, the less slack you seemed to be getting until Hyunjoon said your name.

“It’s no problem, y/n, it’s just a fast kiss.”

He tried too look encouraging to you but there was also slight worry in his eyes. Neither one of you wanted to hurt Amalia’s feelings but asking her here felt so public, like you’d be outing her little secret. When you turned to look at Amalia again, her guard seemed to be dropped and she nodded.

“It’s fine,” she mouthed, motioning to you; and so, you crossed the circle to Joon and sat. Your legs folded under you so you were tall enough to reach his cheek comfortably, your hands pinned under your legs to stop them from shaking.

It felt so odd, hearing all these people chanting and telling you to ‘do it, do it,’. You felt lime something horribly wrong was about to happen, that feeling from earlier now coming back full force and with a pressure in your stomach. You got the okay though, right? The go ahead? Mind running at a million miles a moment, you decided to just close your eyes and get it over with. Lips set, you leaned forward and-

Were those lips against yours?

Blinking your eyes open and recoiling automatically, with the sound of a gasp following, you fell back on your hands. Shock was written on Hyunjoon’s face, as it was on yours, you were sure. That was your first kiss. He was your first kiss. The thing was that your kiss didn’t even matter to you. What mattered was the way Amalia looked at you when you met eyes. What mattered was the way people started scolding this stupid kid who pushed Hyunjoon’s head at the last moment. What mattered was that you could never get that moment back.

“E-excuse me,” Amalia murmured over the racket, not caring if she was heard or not. She used her hands as support and kicked up from her seat, pushing past people to leave as nearly everyone in the circle heckled the other kid. Sunwoo gave you a quick glance before getting up quickly and following her.

“Why would you do that?” Shankeri called, raising her voice for what felt like the first time in centuries. The kid looked like a fish out of water, cheeks filling with air but nothing to say.

“I- I thought it’d- I don’t know, I-”

“Y/n,” Hyunjoon hummed, hand coming onto yours. Was he worried for you?

Looking back at him, you saw that he was hurt. Immediately, you managed, “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “Not your fault.”

“I- I- Amalia..” you didn’t know what to say, blinking now to try and get your brain to start working again but he just shook his head again.

“Maybe we should let Sunwoo handle this one,” he suggested. There was something somber in his voice. Hand slipping away from you, he used it to help him up. “But we should leave.”

Shankeri and Jace, both heated, were on your footsteps, following you out and asking if you were okay. You didn’t quite have a response. You didn’t feel much at all, not much outside of worry for your best friend. Had you just done something to ruin one of the best things you’ve ever had? The thought sprung pricks in your eyes.

Great. Your first party and you were crying.

It’s pretty safe to say that the rest of that night was… weird. I’m sure you remember most of it, especially the awkward drive home while Haymond happily asked how everyone’s night went. The sleepover didn’t go as planned. Amalia was very upset but not necessarily at you. Then, Saturday came and she was off to her parents house for vacation and I was off to my old town to see my family and Eric. We spent so much time apart, not talking. It felt so weird but I never felt weird about you, which you deserve to know. You were just my friend and we were just in an unfortunate situation but it was never your fault.

Early January 2016

Maybe it was a good thing that your parents agreed to go back to your old city for winter break this year. It created some distance between you and Amalia, who was on vacation anyways so she was unable to text much. It gave you two some time to cool off too, which was more so needed for Amalia. You knew that you hadn’t done anything on purpose but you felt like you had to give her space. She once told you that she wanted Joon to be her first kiss and vice versa. It was a pipe dream, as she said it, but there was some basis for it, It could’ve happened. Except now, it couldn’t. You’d gotten between that and for all three of you, something had changed.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

Your hands were hovering just above your guitar strings, not moving at all. You were practicing, as you did whenever you could catch a break, hoping to see Jacob when you got back home to show him your progress; but your mind was elsewhere and Eric could tell. He waved his hand in front of your face once, then twice, and frowned.

“Hello? Is there someone in there?”

“Unfortunately,” you grumbled, frowning at him before putting down your guitar. Your head fell into your hands, palms digging into your eyes. Eric sat down beside you, placing down the glasses of water he brought up from the kitchen. The bed sank beside him and he hummed.

“Amalia, right?”

You nodded, not making a sound. Your wanted to hide in your hands a bit more but Eric was could at plucking you from your sadness. He flicked at your hands repeatedly until you whined and gave in, looking at his wide eyes. His hat was on backwards, even though his mother had just chided him for having it on, and his forehead was exposed. His skin was clearing up.

“Just text her,” he suggested, handing you your phone. You shook your head, pouting like a child.

“No,” you mumbled, knowing you sounded young and dumb but needing to play into it for now. Eric huffed, opening your hand and placing your phone in it.

“Do it, y/n, She’s back from vacation, she posted on her story yesterday.”

You gaped at him, confused. “How did you know that?”

He shrugged, saying offhandedly that she added him on social media when you told her his full name. You furrowed your eyebrows, folding your legs inwards as you thought. She never told you that though. Why wouldn’t she tell you?

“When did she do that?” you prodded, narrowing your eyes now. Standing up to grab his glass of water, he shrugged.

“Last year, maybe? Why?” He took a sip, free hand in his pocket as he faced you. The light from his standing lamp created a golden aura about him, shrouding him in dim light that grew brighter as the sun went down.

“She never told me,” you mumbled, looking down at your phone. You had a few texts from Sunwoo and one from Hyunjoon, telling you he wanted to talk when you had the chance. It was sent a few minutes ago and you figured, since you hadn’t responded right away, he was just gong to send you a long paragraph telling you whatever he wanted to tell you for you to read later.

“Yeah, she told me not to tell you either,” Eric admitted, looking a bit worried about saying it. Your mouth opened a bit and you leaned back to grab a pillow. By the time you’d thrown it, he had already defended himself, chuckling a bit.

“Why didn’t you?” Your voice was loud, raising just a bit out of frustration. He’d really kept this from you all this time? He wasn’t generally good at keeping secrets but this one had been for almost a year.

“Because,” he said, still chuckling at your little outburst, “she wanted to ask me about you and how to make you more comfortable and didn’t want you to think that she was being creepy or anything.”

“What?”

He nodded, setting down his cup far from your range of pillow-throws, and leaned against the desk now. His hands were both in the pockets of his sweatpants, t-shirt too big for him and tucked in. Seeing him like this reminded you of those countless times you’d come over when he was sick or feeling under the weather and you’d try your hardest to make him feel better. You were missing out on a lot of those moments now.

“Do you see your face now?” He fixed you with a look as he asked it, chin moving to point at your frown and the way your cheeks bunched up when you got upset. You were going to say something witty back at him about how you couldn’t see your own face but he kept talking, hoping prevent that.

“That’s why she messaged me. She thought you were really upset and she wanted to help you, even though she just moved schools too. She texted me saying she was worried about you and she wanted to know the things that made you happy because she wanted to be someone like me to you.”

You blinked, a bit of a tear coming down your cheek. Wiping it away you, murmured, “o-oh,” and let your gaze hit the floor. She did that for you? She cared so much and you never even realized. How could you know? You didn’t quite pay attention.

“Apparently, you talked about me a lot,” he joked, coming to sit back down beside you. His hand closed your fingers around your phone, hoping it would convince you.

“I missed you a lot,” you admitted, feeling the ball in your throat forming without permission. His arm fell around your waist, pulling you closer for a hug. Resting his head on your shoulder, you felt the cap he had on loosen and fall off behind you.

“I know,” he hummed, though he didn’t say it back. He was a man of many words but affection hardly passed through his lips. “She knew that too. So talk to her. Neither one of you hate each other, you’re just scared and she’s just psyched out; but it has nothing to do with you so just talk to her.”

“You’re right and it’s annoying,” you mumbled, pressing the bottom of your hand under your eyes to catch a tear or two.

“I’m always right,” he mused, pulling away quick enough to not get completely hit with a pillow you had on hand. The laugh that escaped his mouth was loud and happy, eyes bright and smile wide. You were glad to see it firsthand.

After excusing himself so you could give Amalia a call, Eric shut the door behind him and left you to your own devices. It was odd being in here alone but it left you with some time to think. Did you really want to call after all this? What would you even say? You desperately wanted her to still be your friend but what if she didn’t? What if-

The ringing of your cellphone cut your thoughts in half, making you give pause for a moment before going to check who it was. You hoped it was one of your friends but, what if calling here was long-distance or something?

Flipping over your phone, you saw Hyunjoon’s contact picture and pulled back a bit. It was one of you two on a ferris wheel, the one you went to at the summer carnival last year. He had his chin on your shoulder and a big, close-mouthed grin on. Black hair fell between his eyes and his cheeks bunched up near his eyes. He was very good looking and yet, you didn’t feel like you wanted to be with him. Not in the same way you did when looking at everyone else, not like you did with Chanhee or Jacob or even Younghoon. It didn’t compare in the slightest. You felt peaceful with him and you loved him but not in the way you were meant to love someone who was to be your everything.

Being reminded of that changed everything.

“Hello?”

“H-hey,” Hyunjoon mumbled, sounding quieter over the phone than in person. “You didn’t respond to my text s- so I called. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course it is. No need to ask.” You nearly shook your head, wanting to chide him for even asking the question. Never did you have to ask if it was okay to call. Everyone called because ti was something important and you were friends. Friends were meant to rely on each other.

“It’s just that…” he trailed off and you could see him in your head, biting down the inside of his cheek as he figured out what to say. He was only ever this shy if he felt like he was saying something wrong, or that he was going to hurt someone’s feelings. You wondered which one he thought it was this time around.

“We haven’t been texting much or talking at all,” he finished after some deliberation. “I was worried maybe- maybe you hated me or something.”

“What-”

You forced a deep breath in as your processed his words, trying not to be unkind now; how could he ever think you hated him? Yet, the more you thought of it, the more you understood where he was coming from. There hadn’t been a lot of messages in the group chat or to anyone at all, except from Sunwoo, who either raved about his experiences as a new trainee or pushed you to make up with Amalia.

“I’m sorry,” you murmured, previously pacing around the room but now deciding to take a seat on Eric’s bed. You brought your legs in, crossing them to comfortably tug at the loose string of your pants as you talked.

“I feel like it’s my fault,” Joon admitted after a beat, letting himself say what he called to say, “but I don’t want to mess up yours and Amalia’s friendship. I don’t want it to mess up mine and Amalia’s either b-but I don’t know. It’s so confusing but everyone’s confused because we-”

“We’re not talking,” you finished, knowing where he was going to go. You nodded, though he couldn’t see you, but it was nice to know everyone was on the same wavelength now.

“Are we okay though?” you asked, knowing he was just as sentimental about his first kiss and everything that went along with that.

He chuckled a bit. “Yeah, of course. It was just a mistake, you know?”

“Wow,” you drawled, knowing how he meant it but feeling the conversation too serious, “kissing me was a mistake? I’m hurt.”

“N-no, that’s not what I-”

Your laugh helped him stop, noticing how you were just kidding. He let out a nervous exhale and a giggle to follow it. He must’ve had his head in his palm, stressed out to the max by your comment. You hoped it actually made him smile.

“I’m kidding,” you promised, crossing your fingers without him having to see it. After a bit of a pause, Hyunjoon spoke again.

“S-so it’s okay right? We don’t have to d-date or anything like that just because of a kiss or something?”

You hummed. “It’s not like we’re bound by the laws of the universe or anything. It was just a kiss, and one we didn’t really mean to happen, so it’s fine.” “Okay,” he sighed, sounding the slightest bit relieved. You knew he didn’t mean it in a rude way, he just had so many feelings bunched up in him. Most of them were for Amalia and you could understand them.

“Talk to Amalia, Joon,” you advised, partially because it would force you to do it as well. “I think it’ll make everyone feel a lot better.”

“You too.”

It was an unnamed promise but one that meant you both would work to repair whatever had happened between the three of you at the party. You knew he would keep up his side of the bargain. He was much braver than you were. A big part of you admired him for it.

“I’ll hang up then,” you chimed, waiting for him to say something else. He didn’t, apologizing for keeping you but hanging up before you had the time to scold him. Very slowly, you were beginning to feel like it was coming together. All that was left was your little call to Amalia.

Like taking a dive, you took a deep breath and held it as you dialled her number. Her picking up was you coming up for air.

After it got solved, everyone slowly came back together again. We talked more on the chat and we called regularly. I know there’s still something weird between me and Amalia but I’ll fix it like she tried to fix me in grade nine. I want to try my hardest for her and for you too. You can’t be together if- if I don’t fix my mistake.

This is going to sound weird but I don't know if I ever really loved you. I mean, of course I did, as a friend and all but Amalia was so clearly in love with you- is so in love with you. I think I loved the idea of someone being my first kiss and having that mean something; but you were my friend and I’m glad at least my first experience wasn't totally bad. It taught me that there’s different kinds of love and that sometimes your first kiss doesn’t have to be the most magical thing as long as it’s a good experience. I’m glad my first official kiss was you, someone I’m comfortable with and who I know well. Hopefully, next time, we get to have real kisses we both wanted. It would make this whole thing worth it, don’t you think?

I won’t wish you anything weird or long term. I’m seeing you tomorrow anyways but I just wanted to say that I’m happy with you as my friend. As long as you, Amalia, and Sunwoo are in my life, I think I can do anything.

Love, y/n, y/l/n, on January 10th, 2016.

Hyunjoon had his letter in hand, upset about how long this train ride was. He wanted to see you and ask you about it. A part of him was touched- he felt the same way. He loved you dearly though not in the way everyone wanted him to. You were someone close to his heart and he wanted to keep you there but because he loved being around you, not because he really wanted to be with you in a romantic way.

There was also the issue of why now though? Why would you even bring it up? You’d talked to each other about this multiple times after that phone call and cleared the air each time both of you started to get confused or feel weird about it. So, what was it now and why send him a letter written nearly two years ago?

He had these thoughts chasing around his head as he hopped off the train. You always picked him up from the station alone, picking everyone else up on your way to the diner so it would be a perfect time. He didn’t realize how fast he was going until he reached the parking lot in record time, eyes scanning for your car before finding you pulling in.

Your mouth was moving as you pulled in, talking over the bluetooth of your car. As you stopped, giving him a happy wave to call him in, you kept talking. Nearing the door and opening it, he heard you say,

““Listen, Chanhee, I don’t know who sent you that letter b- but please don’t read it. If you see anyone else with those, please rip them in half, I- oh fuck, I’m screwed, I’ll- I- I’ll talk to you later.”

Immediately, you hung up, giving him a big, forced grin. “How was the train ride?”

“You wrote Chanhee one too?” he asked, not even bothering to answer the question as he got in. You looked absolutely mortified, looking down at his hands to see his held between his fingers.

“I- I don’t even- how did you get this?” You immediately snatched it from his hand. Scanning over the paper, you groaned and began to tear at the pages.

“Hey, no!” Hyunjoon protested, reaching out to grab it from you. Giving in, you let him have the sheets, figuring he’d already read it.

“This is the worst day of my life,” you mumbled, placing your head in your hands.

Joon only giggled, thinking it was rather funny but also kind of cute you wrote letters to people. “How many did you write?”

“Twelve,” you grumbled, muffled by your palms. This made him laugh harder.

“Twelve?” he repeated the word, chuckling before settling in his seat. As he put his seatbelt on, he mused. “Yeah, you really are screwed.”

“I know.”

Joon looked at you for a moment, hand placed slightly on your back to rub warm circles in. You lifted your head from your hands, going to put your hands on the wheel and pull away. He promised he didn’t think it was weird at all, admitting it was kind of sweet and saying he felt the same. You only groaned some more but there was no elaboration on your part. He waited for a moment, watching the train station pull away before figuring, there’s no better time to ask than now.

“So, you gonna tell me what all of that was about?”

He saw the resignation in your face, knowing you were going to hate the story but you trusted him. You would say it, even if you tried to resist by murmuring, “it’s a long story.”

“We’ve got all the time in the world.”

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