#it sounds strange but i genuinely just. dont enjoy myself for long w them and become miserable i dont know man | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ndoandou · 3 years

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Hi!! I saw your requests were open, so uh could I request an Ikevamp headcanon for Arthur, Theo, Vincent and Isaac reacting an MC who is super energetic. Like, as in she could literally dance around the mansion without having a care in the world? ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Yeah lol pls feel free to take your time with this request and have a nice day!! ༼ つ ◕◡◕ ༽つ

This is cute 😳😳

This ended up being wayyy longer than i thought it would be. Arthur's part went deeper than i thought it would be-

This is probably one of my longest headcanon/scenario, i hope you enjoy 😌

Lets say for context, MC is sweeping through the hall while humming, and as time went by her humming becomes louder. Eventually she straights up start singing while twirling and dancing around

Arthur

The first encounter with this trait of MC kind of surprised him. He wasn't expecting young lady to be this active and bright

Gets along very well with her actually

He doesn't mind her energetic personality, but sometimes in gets in the way when he is working on his stories.

He doesn't see her as "annoying" like what most people woukd describe her

He just thinks that she has so many things in her mind (in a good way) that she expresses them all at once //my mans pulling off a doctor doyle 😳

Arthur was in his room, trying to concentrate on his writing when he heard MC singing loudly outside

"I dare say, she is one active lady." Arthur said to himself as he exhaled.

Arthur got up and openned his bedroom door, revealing MC who was singing and dancing around with the broom

MC noticed arthur who was leaning on the door frame with a defeated expression

"Good afternoon to you arthur!" MC greeted him cheerfully, which then she went back to singing and dancing around

"Good afternoon to you too, dear" arthur said which MC probably didn't hear

Once he tried flirting with her but it all flew over her head

This one time MC and arthur was left alone and he tried to make a move on her

Arthur leaned over to MC's ear and whispered

MC seemed unbothered and let him lean over to her

"Seems like we're left alone, love.. would you like to have some fun?" Arthur whispered suggestively

MC was an innocent and very bright girl but she wasn't stupid

"Hm? No. Oh! Arthur can i ask you something?" MC asked unbothered by arthurs invitation

This took him by surprise

"Oh..ehm, go ahead poppet."

"Am i annoying?"

Arthur was blown away by her question.

"Annoying? No, no. That's not it, love. Why do you ask?" Arthur asked her curiously. He wasn't expecting this question from her.

"Ahahaha..! It's nothing important, its just when i lay down at night, i start realizing the unpleasant looks i get from some people whenever im doing something or saying something. I tell myself not to be annoying but i lose control of myself the next day." MC said cheerfully as if what she felt wasn't anything serious at all

Arthur felt really bad after hearing that. He realized that she was being misundertood badly.

He realized that behind that cheerfull personality, she had such deep thoughts

He wasn't expecting her to reveal her most vulnerable side to him out of everyone

He realized that the time he looked defeated arounded MC must have been in her memories

"Oh..oh dear me. I didn't know you felt that way, and im sorry if im one of those people who made you feel that way." Arthur said, with a sympathetic look on his face.

Arthur realized that MC never wanted to cause discomfort to anyone with how she is.

"Hmm i probably sounded REAL silly with what im saying, you can pretend that i never said anything, honestly!" MC said casually as she got up from her chair

"Wait! Hang on a second, poppet. Sit back down" arthur said as he gestured her to sit down, which she did

"I dont think you are annoying. You are just misunderstood, love. It seems to me that you have many going on in your mind that you express them all at once, like a big ball of energy." Arthur explained to her

MC's eyes widen

She found his explanation rather accurate

"Oh..you..you think so?" MC said taken back by the way arthur described her

"Yes, yes. I have an idea for you, poppet. If you want to learn how to express yourself better, how about you try writing all the things in your mind- in any form you want." Arthur suggested

MC's face lit up

"That sounds very fun!" MC exclaimed

"In fact, i want to do it now!" MC said as she jolted off her seat hurrying over to the door

"Oh, and thankyou very much arthur. You are the first person to understand how i feel" MC said smiling genuinely as she headed out

Arthur felt his heart skip a beat.

Without realizing, his cheeks were tinted pink

"By jove! What is this feeling?" Arthur said to himself

Surprisingly, MC was seen in the library writing away in peace most of the time, when she isn't doing her chores

If arthur was working on his own work, MC would sit next to him and start writing aswell

She would write poems

Everyone was worried if MC had fell sick because it was very unusual for her to be this quiet, but arthur just explained that she found herself a new hobby.

Mc would show arthur what she had written, and arthur woukd be blown away everytime.

Everyone got curious with what MC was writing, and when they read her poems, their brains just melted away

Even when vincent brought one of her poems to shakespeare, he became shookspeare

Everyone actually encouraged her to publish her works to the public

MC was excited with that idea, but she said she would give it a thought

Occasionally MC would be the ball of energy she was, but she settled down more

Vincent

He would find it extremely adorable!

Just combine MC and Vincent together would make them the angels of all angels

For context, vincent would be entering the mansions gate after visiting shakespeare

He noticed a dancing figure in the hallway through the window

As he entered the mansion, he could already hear MC's singing voice from the second floor

He goes upstairs and there was MC singing and dancing around with the broom

"Hello MC! You seem very energetic as always" vincent greeted with a smile

He would ask MC if she was singing a song from her time period

He would even ask her to teach him how to sing the song

Vincent isn't an energetic person, but MC's personality rubbed onto him

He would only be energetic around her as she is basically the catalyst xD

Vincent would end up dancing around with her, spinning around through the hallway, laughing and singing

The night after goofing around with MC, she was stuck in his head

He got up from his bed and went over to his art supplies.

He had the strong urge to paint her

The way she danced, sung, and laughed created a crystal clear image in his head

After spending the whole night painting, he was knocked out asleep from morning to afternoon

MC was sent by sebastian to wake him up

She recieved no answer when she knocked, which then she invited herself in

When she came in she saw a beautifully done painting of her

Feeling her heart skip a beat

For once she felt really shy instead of her energetic self

"V-vincent, its afternoon" MC shook his shoulder gently

Stirring up, vincent woke up

"Oh..good afternoon MC. Thats strange, usually you would yell at everyone to wake them up."

Being fully awake, he noticed that her cheeks were tinted red

"Whats wrong MC? You seem rather flushed" vincent asked softly

"The painting.. it's beautiful." MC said, smiling shyly

Realizing his painting was exposed in his room, he blushed into a deep shade of red.

He wasn't mentally ready for anyone ESPECIALLY her to see it

It went silent for a moment and they both avoided eye contact

Not being able to take any more of the awkward air, MC went back into character

She started giggling

"W-what are you embarrased for vincent?" MC said surpressing a laugh

"You tell me MC." Vincent said with a chuckle finally melting away from the awkward situation

Eventually they were both laughing full of joy, even everyone was wondering what was going on in vincent's room

Long story short, they are the inseperable ball of joy 😌

Theodorus

He finds it SO iritating but he can't bring himself to hate her

Despite being so annoying she still had that angelic aura that reminded him of vincent

He already finds the mansion's residents irritating (except vincent ofc) and they arent even as energetic as MC

Wont admit that he adores her at the same time

"HONDJE! For the last time, shut up!" Theodorus shouted, his head poking out of his bedroom door

He was trying to have his afternoon nap after a long day of wheeling and dealing some art.

"Dancing and singing is good for the mind and body! Would you like to join theo?" MC said ignoring his harsh tone

Looking at her with annoyance painted on his face, he glared at her then slammed his bedroom door shut

"Guess he doesn't.." MC said to herself, continuing to sing and dance around

A few hours after that theo payed vincent a visit in his room

He wanted to ask him for advice on how to deal with how loud and energetic MC is

He would have asked arthur but he would most likely give him advice on how to get into her pants

"Come in, what's bothering you?" Vincent invited him, noticing the conflicted look his brother had

Theo sighed folding his arms

"Broer, how do i get hondje to shut up? I keep yelling at her but she never stops" Theo asked, irritation clear in his voice

"Don't call her that! She's a very sweet person" Vincent scolded

"S-sorry broer.." theo appologized looking like a sad puppy

Vincent gestured theo to take a seat next to him

"Well, i understand where you are coming from. She is very energetic indeed." Vincent said

"So..how do i stop her from driving me crazy?" Theo asked

"You say you would yell at her to be quiet right? How about.. you try talking to her VERY nicely" vincent said, emphasizing the word "very"

Theo looked at his brother, confused

"Broer.. are you sure?" Theo asked

"Yes! She is someone you have to speak kindly to for her to listen. Trust your big brother!" Vincent said cheerfully

Vincent ended up teaching theo how to speak to MC the rest of the night

As expected, the next day MC was singing loudly once again

Theo was going to go shout at her but he remembered what his brother said

He gulped and exited his bedroom approaching her

MC who was singing and dancing stopped in her tracks when she noticed a figure standing behind her

She turned around greeted with theo who had a stiff expression

"Good day to you theo! How can i help you?" MC asked cheerfully

"I.. uh hond- i mean MC. C-could you please lower your voice p..please? I am- i'm trying to rest. I would v-very much appreciate y-your coopera..tion." Theo said stuttering allover the place while fidgetting

He wasn't used to being nice to people

It went silent for a bit

"Oh my! How strange, you aren't yelling at me! My appology theo, i didn't know i put you in such distress!" MC said with a guilty expression

Theo was blown away by her response as it just sounded way out of character, making him feel guilty

"O-oh! Don't worry, i appologize for always yelling at you." Theo said flailling his hands all over the place.

MC looked at him and started laughing softly

"O-oi! What are you laughing at hondje!" Theo exclaimed, his face red with embbarasment

Secretly, he felt refreshed after hearing MC laugh again

"Ahaha! My appologies, you just looked and sounded very adorable! It's..ahaha.. very unlike you theo!" MC said, laughing

Theo's brain stopped working, i mean did MC rly just call him adorable

"Whatever! Im going back to my room!" theo stomped away, face still red

"Alright, alright! Have a nice rest! MC said still giggling

Theo slammed his door shut and slumped down against the door

"Maybe.. hondje isn't that bad at all..." theo said to himself

ISAAC

Poor boy will have a mental breakdance

ESPECIALLY when hes reading or doing some cool kid stuff //p h y s i c s

Atleast she doesn't tag along with arthur and dazai...

He knows that she is a kind soul, just has too much energy >:(

He doesnt hate her of course! He just wish she would tone it down :(

Isaac was in the library reading a book when MC started humming while she sweeped the floor

The humming slowly became a string of "lalala" and soon enough she was singing

"Goodness me, MC! This isn't the first time you have distracted my concentration.." isaac said as he burried his face into the book he was reading

Considering how soft isaac's voice was generally, MC did not hear him.

Having enough of it, He shut his book close aggresively and proceeded to walk out the door, slamming the door

The sound of the door slamming alerted MC causing her to jump slightly

"That was really loud..where did isaac go?" MC asked to herself

That was when she heard the door open, revealing leonardo

"Hello leonardo! By any chance, did you come across isaac? He suddenly left and i dont know why..." MC said

Leonardo lit up a cigarrilo and spoke

"Ah yeah, by the looks of it.. you might have upsetted him by accident, cara mia. I saw him stomping through the hallway with a sour look on his face" leonardo said calmly, inhaling his cigarrilo

"W-wait what? I..upsetted him?" MC asked in disbelieve

Leonardo noticed the unsettled look on her face

"Calm down cara mia, here take a seat" leonardo said as he gestured her to take a seat in front of him

MC sat down with a conflicted look on her face

"Heres the thing cara mia- you are a very bright soul and isaac..he is a quiet kid. He finds loud noises distressing especially when he is focussing on something. In this case.. i assume you were singing loudly around him?"

This realization hit MC like a truck

"Oh no! I never meant to make him feel uncomfortable.." MC said sadly

"I need to make it up to him...but how?" Mc continued

Leonardo leaned back to his chair

"Well, as you know, isaac has a monstrous appetite. It will be his meal time in a bit. Maybe you could bring his meal to him and talk things out with him

MC's once gloomy face lit back up

"Thats a great idea! Thankyou very much leonardo!" MC said as she stood up, hurrying out of the library

When MC arrived in the kitchen, he was greeted by sebastian who was plating up some food and rouge.

"Good afternoon sebastian! Is that for isaac?" MC asked

"Indeed, why?" Sebastian asked curiously

"I will take it up to him, since i also have something to discuss with him" MC reasoned

Sebastian stared at her for a bit

"Very well." He said

As soon as sebastian finished plating things up, MC took the tray and headed to isaac's room

She took a deep breath and knocked his door

"Come in." He said calmly

MC went in and placed the tray next to him

Isaac looked up which then his face twisted into discomfort

"Oh..thankyou" he said simply

"Im sorry.." MC said sadly

Isaac's expression showed confussion

"Huh? Why are you apologizing?" He questioned

"You left earlier, because i was bothering you right?" MC questioned back

Isaacs heart melted a bit. He felt like he did something mean considering how he saddened someone who he thought would be the last person in the world to be sad

"Oh! Oh..that.." isaac exclaimed not knowing how to respond to her question

"I really am sorry. I have always been a loud and active person that sometimes i forget about the people around me. I just fall deep into my own world once i do something..." MC explained

Somehow isaac could relate to her words. He knows how it feels to be so engulfed in what you are doing that you just forget about everything else

Maybe her peronality is like his deep interest with physics..

"Dont worry about it... i kind of understand what you mean..im sorry for storming out like that" isaac said, guilt in his voice

It went awkwardly silent for a bit

"Oh! I have an idea! What if... you shout out "gravity" whenever im being too loud around you? Im 100% sure that will alert me!" MC suggested cheerfully

"P-pardon?" Isaac asked unsure if he heard her right

"I guess that was an awfull idea..." MC said as her expression dropped once again

Isaac felt really bad when he saw her sad expression

"N-no! I.. i will think about it.." isaac mumbled, which MC heard

"Really?! Thats great!" MC exclaimed

"So...are we on good terms now?" MC continued

"I suppose you could say so.." isaac said shyly

"Good, good! I will head out now, give me a shout if you need anything" MC said as she left the room

Since then MC and isaac had formed some sort of frienship. Leonardo was glad to see that isaac was finally speaking up, guess its thanks to MC that a tiny portion of her personality slightly rubbed onto him

The day came when MC was being too loud

This time, isaac was playing chess with arthur as dazai watched them

Just like always MC started singing loudly

Isaac took a sharp inhale

"GRAVITYYY" isaac shouted on top of his lung scaring arthur and dazai at the point they probably ascended to a different dimension

"Oh! Sorry isaac!" MC said

"Bloody hell, isaac! I know you came up with the concept of gravity, but what the on earth was that for?!" Arthur said with a hand on his chest that was beating fast

" i think i pooped myself" dazai said as he hurried out of the room holding his butt with his hands.

Isaac stayed quiet, not answering his question

"Back to the game please" isaac said calmly

Arthur just sighed still wondering what all of that was

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp arthur #ikevamp vincent #ikevamp theo #ikevamp isaac #ikevamp headcanon #ikevamp headcanons

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sleepysnk · 4 years

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Hellooo first time requesting!! Feel free to delete if you dont feel like writing it Could you write a litle scenario where Bertholds girlfriend follow him in secret one night and overhears him planning with Reiner what to do with Eren and the whole titan thing , ofc she's shocked but she doesn't know what to do, tell her superiors or to confront her lover, up to you!! I had this on my head, if it were me, what would I do? n-n

this is quite an interesting request! i find that if i were in this situation i would be battling myself on what to do. i hope you enjoy! let me know if i did this wrong btw :).

Bertholdt x Fem!Reader: The Secret

Warnings: Spoilers to Season 2 and slightly to the manga, slight angst

That secret.

The only secret (Y/N) could never know about Bertholdt, or Reiner. When he first met her, he was in a battle with himself, should he love someone on this horrible land? or push her away and deny his feelings? Unfortunately for Bertholdt, he chose the first option.

He couldn't resist (Y/N), she was beautiful, super kind, and made Bertholdt a better person. Even Reiner who was about this mission approved of it, and for awhile Bertholdt forgot about the mission.

(Y/N) had no idea that Bertholdt was the colossal titan, she also didn't know Reiner was the armored titan. The #1 thing had to kept away from her, if she found out, it would destroy their relationship, and Bertholdt didn't want to lose her. No matter what.

Sometimes, she had a sneaking suspicion something was up. Bertholdt would get super nervous whenever Reiner would be around, he was afraid it would slip out. He tried his best to keep the conversation about what happened 5 years ago out of it. If it got mentioned he'd feel nervous, and it was obvious he would think about a lot of things.

As their relationship progressed Bertholdt was so in love with her. (Y/N) was the only thing keeping him going in this world, he wanted to take her back to Marley, afterall there was no future inside the walls.

Until one day, everything was going to go south for the two.

(Y/N) sat in the Mess Hall with Bertholdt and a few other cadets. It was dinner, so it was around nightfall. Most of the cadets were buzzing about the capture of a female titan, apparently it was someone that they knew. Annie Leonhardt. It was a shock to everyone.

"Who knew Annie was a titan all along" Connie said and looked down at his food.

Reiner looked at him. "Crazy discovery right? I mean I wonder if anyone else is a titan" he said and looked around the table.

(Y/N) looked up and noticed Bertholdt go instantly silent. "Everything okay?" she asked and broke him out of his thoughts.

He blinked a little. "W-What? Oh sorry (Y/N), yeah everything is fine" he replied and gave her a nervous smile.

She nodded. "Are you sure? You seem a little tense" she said and furrowed her brows.

Bertholdt looked at her and laughed. "Yes I'm positive" he said and went back to eating his food.

(Y/N) didn't really believe what he said. He was acting strange, and she didn't like it. Why would a mention of more titans make him nervous? I mean it made (Y/N) nervous herself, what if someone else was a titan among them? That thought alone sent shivers down her spine.

Reiner stood up from the table. "I'm headed back to my room, I'm exhausted" he said and looked at Bertholdt.

The odd thing was, Bertholdt stood up too. "Yeah me too, I'll see you later (Y/N)" he said and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

She watched as the two exited the Mess Hall together. "That's odd" she said to herself and looked down at the table.

She decided to get up and follow them. Maybe Bertholdt was hiding something? He was acting strange, and she wanted to know what was up. She was never one to intrude, but if something bothers her, it will literally make her go insane. Plus Bertholdt is honest with her, why would he lie?

Bertholdt and Reiner were outside talking. "What are you talking about Bertholdt?" Reiner asked and nodded.

He looked at him. "You keep hinting at this secret! You realize how stupid you sound? We are going to get caught" Bertholdt replied.

Reiner rolled his eyes. "C'mon Bertholdt, it isn't that obvious. They have Annie yes, but there is no way they'll figure out it's us" he said and shrugged.

Bertholdt looked at his friend annoyed. "If you keep hinting at it, you'll raise suspicion!" he said.

The blonde rolled his eyes. "About what?" he asked.

"That we are the colossal and armored titan!" he argued and looked at him.

Silence flooded between the two of them.

Reiner looked at him. "No one will know, just keep your damn mouth shut and our mission will be completed" he said and put his hand on his shoulder.

"Not me, YOU" Bertholdt said and crossed his arms.

"We'll take Eren back with us and then this mission will be over. Trust me" he said and crossed his arms.

Bertholdt nodded. "How do you even plan to do that?" he asked.

His blonde friend shrugged. "Take him when the scouts will least expect it" he replied.

Bertholdt sighed. "I hope it works" he said and looked at him.

The two began to walk off. "No one will know a thing" Reiner said and shrugged.

What they didn't know was that someone heard everything. Specifically (Y/N), she couldn't believe what she heard. Her head was spinning at the thought of Bertholdt being the colossal titan, and Reiner being the armored. Was it all a joke!? But why would someone joke about that? Why would they want to take Eren?

She made her way back to her own room. She was trying her best to handle what she just heard.

"Hey (Y/N), are you okay?" Sasha asked and nodded at her.

She blinked a bit. "Y-Yeah! Totally! I'm fine don't worry about me" she replied and gave her a smile.

Sasha furrowed her brows. "Okay..." she said and went to her bed.

(Y/N) felt relief go through her. She didn't want to tell anyone what she just heard. What if nobody believed her? She didn't want to come off as crazy. Reiner had such a great relationship with everyone here, if something like that leaked, (Y/N) would for sure get shit for it. What about her boyfriend? Bertholdt sounded genuinely serious about what he said, he never lied to her ever, so what he was saying must be true.

As days went on, (Y/N) had tried her best to seem normal around Bertholdt. She didn't want to bring up anything, and it was eating her up inside. Bertholdt noticed that she was acting odd, the conversation would be kind of short, and she wouldn't really talk much.

(Y/N) was at war with herself.

Should she go to her superiors and rat out both of them? Or does she confront Bertholdt and Reiner herself? She wasn't sure how either outcome would go.

"Something wrong (Y/N)? You seem a little off" Bertholdt asked and nodded at her.

She smiled at him. "No not at all Bertholdt, I feel fine" she replied and tried her best to assure him.

He really didn't believe her. "Are you sure? You've been acting different" he said.

(Y/N) laughed a little. "Yes I'm sure" she said and looked at her food. "I'll see you later" she added and stood up.

She began to make her way to her superiors, specifically Commander Erwin. She couldn't confront Bertholdt, she wanted to do what was best, and that was the only option.

(Y/N) got to his office, and she began to tell him everything she heard. The Commander was surprised himself at what she was saying, at first he was a little skeptical since he always assumed Reiner and Bertholdt were innocent. After some talks with Hanji, it was revealed Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt were from the same town. It was plainly obvious that they could be.

(Y/N) felt nervousness around her. What would Bertholdt say? She's been with him for so long, and for something like this to come up, it would for sure end it.

The Scouts had to come up with a plan to capture the two without any casualties. Chances are Reiner or Bertholdt could easily transform, and a lot of people could get hurt. (Y/N) had to be used as bait, she had to get them to a secure location like they did with Annie, and then the Scouts would rush in to capture them.

Bertholdt knew something was up with her now. She avoided him, and ignored him whenever he tried to speak to her. What the hell was going on? Why was his (Y/N) becoming so cold? Was she planning on breaking up with him?

Everything was so confusing until that one day. (Y/N) told Bertholdt and Reiner she wanted to show them something. Of course, the two followed and both were curious.

"Where are we going exactly (Y/N)?" Reiner asked and furrowed his brows.

She looked back with a fake smile. "Just follow me, it's really cool" she replied and continued walking.

Bertholdt wasn't sure why all of the sudden she was being so nice. "I'm just as curious as you are" he said and looked at Reiner.

They followed her to some part underground. Reiner and Bertholdt were confused on why she was here.

"Why are we here, I don't think we should be here (Y/N)" Reiner said and nodded at her.

She stopped and they noticed her expression changed. "I'm sorry.." she said.

As soon as she said that the scouts appeared and tackled them. Bertholdt and Reiner were caught off guard.

"What the hell!? (Y/N)! What is going on?!" Bertholdt yelled as he struggled against the soldier on top of him.

She felt tears begin to roll down her cheeks. "I know your secret... I can't believe you're a monster" she said and looked at him.

Bertholdt's eyes widened. "What?! What are you talk about?" Reiner asked.

"You're the armored and colossal titan.." she replied and looked at the ground.

She did know. Bertholdt felt like maybe she did find out, but he didn't want to believe it. "(Y/N)!" he said and tried to get of the soldiers grip.

She watched with teary eyes as Bertholdt and Reiner were hauled away.

#anime #attack on titan #aot x y/n #aot x reader #aot fanfiction #aot imagines #snk x y/n #snk x reader #snk imagines #snk fanfiction #shingeki no kyoujin fanfiction #shingeki no kyojin #aot bertholdt #bertholdt x reader #snk bertholdt #anime fanfic

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unproduciblesmackdown · 5 years

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@uberoll-oystercrackers late night (early morning?) posting here but this is super nice ty and also again retroactively thank you additionally for all the long replies & kind tags you give

like really yeah it’s like, on the one hand, it’s fairly sucky having to have this thing where im always jumping the gun on considering someone Maybe An Friend and then having to remind myself / be reminded of the fact that like no probably not, which is true and yet sucks, which is just how some stuff is!! like sometimes stuff just is Not Good and is not ever going to Not Hurt, despite the fact you can kinda get better at living with it. and like this one isnt a huge deal even tho the larger problem of when ur like, lonely &/or isolated is kind of a whole real deal……

like it’s strange having these contradictory problems with it…..like, Being Myself has never really just been something i can Naturally do, so even just trying to be nice is like oh lord am i being ~manipulative~, and im always too prone to treat interactions like ive got to placate the other person, and then also just like….not having amazing social skills anyways in the sense that i know a lot of times i come across ~off~ to people and can’t really do a lot about that, but also, i feel like i’m always overcompensating for like, enthusiasm and just the fact i like to Get Silly and maybe i’ll act too cool~n~collected or come off like im trying to be all Smart and Smarmy and like jeez no……it doesnt help that when i was younger i generally preferred interacting with adults and so probably was trying to come across as clever and when i was wanting someone to like me i’d be real nervous and try to go too hard in seeming the opposite lol……oh the legacy of the time i found out my mom’s childhood friend who was funny and cool to us thought i was bookish (true) but like also snobby or something lmao like ah jeez i probably made too many sarcastic jokes about things….but oh well i was just like 10-ish at the time.

anyways tho i feel like that still kicks in and when i get the sense someone is cool and it’d be cool if they thought i was cool too i’m like Well So Then i gotta PLAY it cool!! and then like oh no am i coming across as a jerk? or an trying-to-be-an-intellectual?? i always have a lot of thoughts and i do go off when its like, also tied in to Opinions of mine, so im like, oh no am i coming across as trying to tell someone i think they should think exactly this?? or if i try to Be Witty and Tell Jokes are they just coming off as snarky b/c i hope not especially since a lot of times my actual Lighthearted Snark gets read as “i hate this and think its dumb af” lol. ahhhh i just do not know!! like, i wanna sort of dial back my Warmth b/c i can get enthused fast and i have a tendency to get too attached to ppl too fast, which really only sucks for me, but still!! yet i dont wanna rein it in too much and try to overcompensate and come off like im Eternally Unimpressed and don’t really care and etc etc and just…..idk its wild it’s hard to tell how i may be socializing awkwardly lmao ahhh….and on top of it all, i manage to be godawful at realizing when other ppl actually like me. like, that sort of sounds like The Opposite but i guess its just more of that problem of thinking that im going to always bother people….a lot of times it takes me like, months or a year (or two or three) to realize that someone who willingly interacts w me during that time probably does genuinely like me and is maybe a friend. wrow

uhhhh anyways lord that was all just. tangentially related. im Tangents

UH more to the point!!!! the good news is that yeah i don’t have to think “oh we’re totally real bffs” about anyone to really enjoy and appreciate Our Interactions…..and like i do have real appreciation and gratitude for basically all nice attention lol like, if a single reblog of smthing has kind comments, if someone cool just Likes a few posts, talking on occasion or like, ever at all. cuz for real The Little Stuff has always been a really good thing for years now, especially since there’s been plenty of times i havent really had anything happening In Person that was like….good interactions or ppl who were able to hear my actual thoughts and feelings about whatever and still be interested in interacting with me. cuz in terms of not being isolated and in what i find it easy to talk about and how, Online Interactions have been genuinely important and impactful in a positive way for like a solid decade now since i was able to be consistently Online and have my own accounts and stuff in the first place

so like yeah totally i really do appreciate stuff like that. i think its pretty incredible whenever anybody just like, thinks of me, and likes me. having None Of That Feeling is supremely trash and i so appreciate that i don’t have to feel like there’s nothing and that nobody out there in the world is aware of me, and yet i don’t need it to be that like, anyone is Constantly aware of me and like, intensely invested, cuz that’s just not how it goes lol and even kinda meaning a little bit to someone and having my tiny presence in their life be a positive one is a great thought and i really do appreciate it. Unfortunately for like….my entire life, The Contempt Of Others has been a consistent #thing i’m dealing with and it’s not great!! like yeah fortunately ive had the “felt so bad about myself that it eventually circled back around and now self loathing isnt too much of an issue for me” thing, but it still sucks experiencing it lol…..having any testimonials that like, whatever shit im talking about @ myself is fun to read, or i seem okay, or its fun to talk, etc etc, like thats fantastic really

and the kinds of leaf thoughts too, yeah, that kind of thing is nice to know too lol. i was hoping you were ok like, ten hours before i saw you posting again lol…..we’re out here……..

like yeah ldmbgglh whatever my weird problems are with being overexcited abt any Potential Friendship, and also being bad at realizing if people do like me, and also just being Weird and not great at talking, and overcompensating for whatever and maybe coming across too Coldly when rly im a fiery dumbass, wanting friends but also wanting not to be burned by getting ahead of things and being reminded that most ppl aren’t like, as starved for even just friendly interactions……..i’m better at navigating and handling it in some ways but c’est a m’ess!!! aaaggbfg

really what im trying to say is i do appreciate that sort of thing a lot yeah. i could very well Not be thought of by anybody and that would suck and the fact that i get to know that i am is a really great thing. maybe i couldve said this all better last night cuz i was kinda in my feelings abt Life a little but then also it was in a sort of déspresso way so, maybe this is okay lol….

also i worry i don’t express affection and appreciation enough!!! it’s not that i’m like Oh i don’t want to Commit to Being Friends ew…..it’s that i don’t wanna be the one pressuring someone else into being like uh oh i have to play up being invested in milo!! but then maybe my playing-it-cool just makes other ppl do the same thing or think i don’t care or something. like oh i appreciate this person a ton and think they’re great and they’ve been kind to me but if we only talk so often and obviously im not There for them and involved in their life in the way a ~real friend~ would be, maybe it would just ring hollow to say i love them, for example. lord lol……. it’s all “oh don’t dial down your kindness and affection” and yet also “but don’t wanna inadvertently push other people or Be Weird or get myself invested in something where i don’t mean as much to the other person not cuz they suck but because like, of course im just a fun internet acquaintance, which is fine!!” ahhhhhh the challenges. anyways!!!!!!!

the point is well i do like ppl yeah and i really appreciate ppl liking me. every now and then they do it online or even in person and thats just a Joy and i wish things were more secure!!! i also have to not even necessarily want ppl to get invested in me in case things go to shit too soon or whatever and it doesnt help that ~being open~ means talking abt depressingass stuff sometimes that like, i don’t mind being open about, but i also don’t want to put on other ppl. which, sidenote on that, im feeling relatively alright all these recent months even if im not technically thriving; it’s okay. it’s a hot mess! but that’s just How It Is sometimes!! it’s what it is. and ive had support from ppl in big and small ways that i know i could have had to go without and all the ways ppl are nice to me count for a whole lot and i have appreciated it, and do appreciate it, and will continue to appreciate it.

tldr 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

#7:05am who up!! im nocturnal. im a vampire. a cool vampire. jk not sexy enough #unsexy vampire rights!!!#unsexy nocturnal me getting reckless and saying into the mic: Hey. I Love Y’all. Yeehaw

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