#it’ll always make me feel so much

[iwantoceans]

“The more that you give, the less that I need”

#I don’t think it matters how many times I watch them #it’ll always make me feel so much #can’t believe we were robbed #I wish there was a season 2 I miss them so much come home #kinnporsche #kinnporsche edit #vegas theerapanyakul #pete saengtham #vegaspete #kinnporsche the series #vegaspeteedit #vegaspete edit

[stuckinapril]

I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc

#And to be clear I have nothing against therapy. I’ve seen it do wonders for other people #I think the reason it’s a point of defeat (just a little) for me to be like ok. I need a therapist. Is bc I’m admitting to myself that I #need one to begin w. And I get it’s not healthy but I always liked to think I could handle anything by myself #That was even the whole point of this blog. It was supposed to serve as a conduit for these feelings #And I’m not saying I don’t have a support system. I do. I have many wonderful friends #But I struggle to be vulnerable at all tbh and whenever I am I’m guilty ab it bc #I understand so many people have busy lives & I feel like an emotional burden on them by venting #Despite them telling me that it’s totally fine. Obvi a therapist is literally paid to listen so no guilt there #And I think that’s what I need #I’m not like on the brink of a psychotic break or anything but it’s just little things. I think it’d be nice to sit in someone’s office for #One hour a week and just go. That did bother me actually. I am tired actually. I do feel that way actually. #Rather than just burying my feelings w school and a busy schedule #I don’t think therapy will make me any less of a workaholic anytime soon but it’ll at least allow me to slow down one hour a week #And also not bottle shit up so fuckin much #But ya all of this is to say I’m drafting the email to her RIGHT now . #Starting the day off strong by oversharing on tumblr dot com

[lorephobic]

this is the funniest thing that sits and rots in my drafts because its been four months atp and i still have not thought of a single headcanon for these two

#idk what it is in my brain that makes it so hard to engage w media that way but i really cannot do it to save my life #and it becomes harder and harder the more i care about something #i think. when i love something a lot and see it as perfect (in my eyes) as it is #it’s hard to justify changing it or adding to it at all because theres always the possibility that i am making it worse #it also (personally) feels like. a selfish pursuit to change and add onto canon #(which is an argument that falls apart entirely when you dismantle the idea of canon altogether) #BUT!!! at least FOR ME i am terrified of ruining something by making it more about me and less about the thing that it is #analysis is my way of getting around this #engaging with my own interpretation of media is so much easief than engaging with and altering the media itself #and even then #my analysis needs to be important or it’ll rot in my head (or drafts) for all of eternity #its. whatever that quote is thats like. #everything i create needs to be perfect to make up for the fact that its me #thats how i approach anything #unfortunately LOL

[yeehawbvby]

My ACNH island is VERY slowly coming together (been working on it since.. I think July? Maybe august?)

I’m really happy with the progress I’ve made except I’m now one of those people whose island lags because of the amount of stuff in some spots lmao 🧎🏻‍♀️ it’s a worthy sacrifice though imo because my orchard is the culprit and it looks banging!!

Either way. BEHOLD

#honest to god y’all. if you feel stressed about decorating or island and haven’t played/have restarted a ton bc of it #just do NOT terraform. or do it very minimally #bc that’s the only reason im making literally any progress lmao I really loved my last island too but #ultimately abandoned it bc the terraforming and water-forming(?) was stressing me out too much #anyway #I’ve been balls deep in trying to fix up the ~secret beach~ and campsite so I’ll maybe post pics of those too soon!! #they’re all in this area too!! campsite is to the left of the orchard and up a level and beach is to the left of the wheat #ALSO *cracks knuckles* I’ve had a land bridge on every island so far and this one will be no different #might start that today or tomorrow #that’s a whole thing bc. land bridge. HAVE to terraform.. and a lot too lol ugh #it’s just a strip though. I’m not doing anything too crazy with it #it’s gonna be perfect for my island’s autumn theme actually!! the bridges always looked best in autumn imo bc of the surrounding foliage #maybe it’ll lead to the museum? #sorry I’ll shut up #aspenposting #acnh #animal crossing #animal crossing new horizons #new horizons #animal crossing nh

[abyssalreds]

gege needs to retire his character death note and hand it off to asagiri i swear 😭

#my sister (misinformed) told me yuta died in the latest jjk ch and i was so nervous looking at leaks #bc its smthn gege /would/ do and i really like yuta #thankfully he’s fine he just made an appearance in the latest ch thats all #tell me why my first thought after was ‘man that was a thrill i wish new bsd chapters made me feel like this’ 😭 #my biggest gripe w. bsd will forever be how all the characters always come out of battles completely unscathed #nevermind the 500 injuries th​ey sustained #nobody ever dies or gets new battle scars or life changing wounds etc etc it kinda makes the stakes boring when you know the character will #be fine when alls said and done #and honestly this wouldn’t be problem for me if ! asagiri didnt deathbait so damn much ! #he’s allergic to actually killing off a character and thats how i Know fyodor prob isnt dead #and neither is sigma bc fyodors ability is still a big mystery and we need them to reveal it for us #bc asagiri never killed anyone major off in the main manga before its hard to believe that he killed these two off 🤷‍♀️ #and ig fukuchi but all those theories of him being the masked man at the s5 cliffhanger has me squinting suspiciously #tbh idc if its my fav character who dies if it’ll make the plot more interesting then send them to the gallows !! #(okay maybe not lucy but she barely gets any panel time shhh) #like i like fukuzawa but i also think itd be interesting to see what would’ve happened if he died in the battle vs fukuchi #bc the aftermath would be a change in status quo and it would’ve been interesting to see the change in dynamics in the ada and #how they deal w. his loss !! #on the other hand gege killing off his characters too frequently . . . doesnt rlly need an explanation #(jjk spoilers?) now w. yuta going up against sukuna . . . please keep him safe gege i beg 🥲 #anyways. enough rambling now to go back to shoving bsd to the back of my mind lol #ayra croaks

[writhe]

.

#ok ok ok i have been so excited about the nimona movie since i first read it AS A TEEN #watched the teaser and i’m kinda sad it doesn’t look more like ND’s art #*art. i’m curious about the project getting cancelled i hate disney so much #& how much that influenced the style #but also i’m like not particularly impressed with the trailer #i feel like she was such a cool and weird character & i always imagined just an absolute freak #& maybe it’ll grow on me but i’m like. ok the acting in the trailer alone was too clean & predictable #like she was such a super massive freak im sure she’s yelling screaming all the time. like tbh i imagined her speech patterns to be more #like Finn Adventure Time #like i was hoping the movie would be fun and kinda dark and very anti authority etc #but there’s like super upbeat music and it’s like no we need fucked up string instruments with haunting melodies & the voice acting has to #be muttering and shrieking and insane #and Blackheart was also a character of all time for me if they make him and Allister less gay im gonna kill someone #but like gay (repressed / angsty i suppose) #like he isn’t COOL he is ANGRY. i guess haven’t seen him yet but i’m Worrk #AMBROSIUS NOT ALLISTER #*worried #and if the scientist isn’t in it netflix hates women. also if she’s not insane they hate women #dude i’m fucking up these tags so bad

[lemonmatronics]

I finished sketching and coloring Metal but I have insanely mixed feelings on it so I think I’m gonna be posting two versions, so congrats fellow Metal fans my bias is convincing me to do more work

#it’s mainly the design that’s messing with me #Cause actual art wise I think I did as good as I always do #But after it’s colored the design doesn’t hit the way I want it to #It’s mainly the skirt and jacket #I feel like I made the skirt too long and wide so I’m gonna shorten it a bit and and make it a lot slimmer #Probs not like fitted or anything but once you see it it’ll make sense what I mean #As for the jacket I think I may remove it for the second look #I think the jacket AND skirt both is too much #So I may replace the jacket with a necklace to keep that yellow at the chest there #Maybe one day I’ll do another look where she has the jacket and no skirt but damnit #I promised y’all a skirt so you’re gonna fucking get one #Metal sonic #trans metal sonic

[toomuchdickfort]

Vent abt smth that gets on my Nerves

#tried bringing up to mom like. hey how could I bring up coming out to family. and she was like visibly uncomfortable so I was like dw I’m no #gonna like try to ruin Christmas with it or some shit I’m just. nervous u see. and I’m sat there anxiety rambling abt it because oh my god. #and she pulls out the fucking. ‘can’t you just be a person?’ mom I am a person already. the problem is. the PROBLEM IS. EVERYONE THINKS I AM #AND THUS TREATS ME AS A GIRL. like oh my god. #vent #it’s not a huge vent like if it comes up I’m not gonna Lie moms discomfort abt the matter be damned. #but like. ‘can’t you just be a person’ is what she says every fucking time it comes up. like mom. mother. mi madre. do you realize how much #of an insult that feels like when you say it EVERY TIME I bring up trans anxieties. or dysphoria. or any of the ways my transness affects my #life. like being trans doesn’t make me less of a person oh my god. but also frankly I don’t have the patience to be nice about getting into #things and I don’t have the heart to hurt her about it and even if I did have one of those I don’t have the patience to hold her hand #through all this shit. like I gave up having mom on this journey ages ago do you know how painful it is to un-give up on something that #immense. it’s hard and it hurts and it burns and it’s like. giving up to begin with didn’t hurt too bad- it’s cutting off the festering #wound. but. but then. you find out that. you can in fact work with that. and suddenly you have to try and clean the wound. care for it and #wrap it and do it all over again. and god it hurts. and. I’m not entirely sure I want to un-give up all the way on this? it’s. a lot #like I get and I appreciate that she’s trying to do. something. in theory at least. she avoids the subject when I bring it up and all but #cringed when I brought up coming out to her side of the family. she calls me my deadname and her daughter more than she did before she said #she would try. and I don’t have the energy to uncover that wound enough to start cleaning it. I’m just letting it sit there because frankly #it’ll be such a huge thing because it’s Always a huge thing when I don’t let the subject drop mega fast and I’m. I know she’s not gonna cut #me off for just being trans but GOD I want to keep ONE of my parents in my fucking life when I’m able to stand on my own two feet holy shit #and. man. it appears this is. still more of a thing than I thought it was. thats. annoying and inconvenient

[hinadori-chan]

low key wanna like

set up a queue for posts i like that don’t circulate anymore so that way the recirculate but also i don’t spam but like

i don’t think i’ve ever used a queue before tbh lol

#listen i’ve always been the kind of blogger where you just know what i’m about when i’m about it #but since this is more of a fandom sidespace than my actual blog maybe that’s the better route? #cause there’s a lot of really good fanart and fanfics and analytical pieces that just #don’t get as much love since they got burried by time and i wanna bring them back to the forefront becuase they’re GOOD #and people put their heart and soul and time into them and i want them to be appreciated becuase i love them and they make me happy #but also i’ve hit post limit multiple times becuase if this blog and i’m scared it’ll happen again #cause i think you still hit it with the queue too #and like #i do actually use my main blog a log and the posts come from the same pool #(pro tip for new users btw if your side blogs are connected to your main account all your posts come from a pool that your account gets) #(kind of like a deck of cards that has to be distributed between all players) #ANYWAY it might be the better move for now #i’ll stew on that while i try and get myself out of writers block #cause i’ll need to get the first draft of peghawks2023 done this weekend if i want ot done in time for the 16th #need to figure out how to trick my brain into working #had this problem in school also #the only reason i passed is because most my teachers loved me and wanted me to succeed in spite of my executive dysfunction #and my other two teachers hated me so much (adhd kid with a pension to cause problems) that they passed me #just so they never had to see me again lmao #it’s okay feelings were mutual fuck those guys #(or love those guys for the teachers that adored me) #(hope they’re doing good) #what was i talking about #RIGHT queues and writing #yeah i should go do that okay bye for now!!!

[dadbots]

cold as shit & freezing my ass off in this winter (But at least we made it to December.)

#dadbots.txt #starting the new month off with a sore throat & body aches due to household cold-like symptoms. Thanks. Even when I was trying 2 avoid it #and with how cold it is — permanently staying In bed forever. Like it’s physically making me curl into a crab rn oh my god it’s so cold #Which is both hell and good in both ways. Bad since I stay in bed too much anyway. Almost everyday. #Especially with chronic low energy and 24/7 fatigued. Mentally and physically. And i really gotta do better - #- and reduce that since that adds up alongside other unhealthy habits. And I can literally feel it taking a toll on me unfortunately. #But also good since I’ll be resting more often than not. It’s not something i do and so having the opportunity to rest is kinda nice? #Still. Two sides of a coin right now. And this cold is definitely not helping me or the fact it’s easier to get sick 10x more. #Back to pain relievers and heat ig. #Although with this just. Might be a cold but also not? Thing? Since not all of my sore throats are colds but overproduced mucus. Gross. #But been drinking tea like habitually to knock this out and warm blankets and stuff. Feeling better as of typing this. So thank god it’s wo #This month been… interesting to say the least. A lot of personal talk and changes that should’ve happened years ago. #But hey. You live and learn. #And I’m not mad at it. I’m making progress when I would’ve shrugged and say it’d never happen. Now it’s happening and even I’m surprised #Doesn’t mean it’ll completely override everything in my life or push stuff to the side. Though it’s better than nothing so I’ll take it. #Winter is always hard for a lot of people and I’ve been hit with it as well. Even near the holidays and all. #Been rough. And the constant realization that each month I don’t remember…. Anything. That has happened. #But also that I did a little more than previously and slowly pushing it each month. Little by little. #There’s been a drastic change from last year to now. Went through new lifestyles and experiences. Exploring different fields. Etc #So it’s been one hell of a ride anyway. And that I can sit back and be content with. Even if nothing else is currently going on yknow #December probably gonna be slow. But we’ll see. Hope to bring new opportunities fortune and possibilities along the way. Take care y’all

[disco-tea]

.

#no because it’s the sinking feeling you’ll never be anything more than this #that your life will just tick tick tick away and you’ll always be this you’ll always be unfulfilled #for all your hopes and ambitions and dreams and want you’ll always settle you’ll always fall short #and worse theres people who actually want that for you. who never want you to be anything more. and isn’t that terrifying? #to not only have the fear you’ll always be stuck but there are people actively rooting for that #it’s enough to make panic want to claw its up your throat #and what if what if what if #what if I’m never brave enough #what if i don’t ever make it anywhere meaningful because i caved to expectations. the shittiest of expectations #expectations that had nothing to do with me or my own good #and one day I’ll look back and I’ll have nothing but regret. or maybe I’ll accept that really #there was nothing special about me in the first place and I’m better off never amounting to anything because I was never worth anything #sometimes I think there’s potential energy in my bones. just waiting to be released. #so much energy and I just need to set it free. just need to be able to aim it in a direction and it’ll go far. so far #but what if I’m wrong. what if there’s. what if all I’ll ever be is stuck #not* #delete later

[yuukimiyas]

sending so much love & light to you all for the best wednesday ever *ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩ treat yourself to smth delicious today & make sure to drink lots of water!! all my love to you today & always ૮꒰ྀི⊃´ ꒳ `⊂ྀི꒱ა

#my body naturally woke me up at 7 & i dont have to be at work until 1 so i’m tryin to be productive!! <33 #i managed to get some stuff done for work for a project i’m doing & now i’m gonna read until i gotta get ready!! :3 #today already feels much better than yesterday did so i’m v hopeful it’ll go well ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧ #i hope your energies are so positive & warm today & always <333 lets make today a great day!! (∩˃o˂∩)♡ #ᕱ⑅ᕱ.* journals!

[whimsyprinx]

in hindsight I know the majority of my anxiety around friendship (and in general) pertains to the fact that my longest friendship is falling apart and idk what to do about it

#whimsy whispers #and so do all my friendships but like it’s gotten worse and now it’s like haha none of my friendships are real and will last and nothing #lasts forever and I want to cry and die about it #idk I always thought that we’d be best friends forever and typing that I realize show stupid and idk childish I sound #there’s jsut a strain and idk when it started getting worse or what to do because like we’ve talked about it before but nothing got better #and then I’m just ruining my other relationships by being so insecure and anxious and constantly getting on peoples cases about it #eventually I’m going to be completely alone and idk how to cope with that and it’ll be no one’s fault but my own #idk what to even do to fix anything I don’t know if I can make anything better #idk my best friend was the most important person in the world to me and was my favourite person #and I know they could never say the same about me and that’s fine but now I can’t say that about them either #I don’t really have a favourite or most loved person anymore #like it hurts too much to love people so much and then feel like you’re not as important to them and that’s how I’ve felt for a while #I’m so tired of feeling like this and failing at friendship I keep losing all my friends and like it hurts and is bad

[aceofstars16]

Hmmm…

#I just sent a text that said ‘I’m still struggling mentally/emotionally/spiritually but’ #and I was going to add a shrug emoji but…honestly…there is no but #I can’t put a positive spin on it right now #i listened to worn by tenth avenue north last night #and that’s pretty much exactly how I feel #and I feel like it’s just ‘you need to do this or try harder or trust more’ #but I’m too tired….I’m tired of hoping because I’m always let down #I’m tired of being told it’ll all be made better in heaven #cause that doesn’t help me now it just makes me feel like this life is point #less and I’m just….so tired of feeling like it’s all on me #I prayer and ask for God to do something but I still feel stuck and forgotten #I feel so broken and numb and I don’t have any fight anymore #I should probably try out meds just to see if it’ll help in the short term #but I’m low key worried they might make me feel worse and I don’t know if I could deal with that :/ #yeah….venting in the tags cause I’m just…a lot of stuff and tags feel safer…

[magical-xirl-4]

I really wanna cosplay platinum Dawn now and walk around my neighbourhood with the outfit on 🥺 Seeing the mountains in my area just makes me think of Sinnoh and Mt Coronet and I just get nostalgic ;o;

#pokemon platinum #Dawn #cosplay #I need to remember this #it’s such a cute outfit and I’ve always wanted to be a pkmn trainer i don’t care if it’ll get me weird looks #I just love it so much it’ll make me feel like I’m on an adventure

[thesunbrokeyourskull]

-

#I would kill my ex ‘p’ to become rich. #I would kill my ex ‘m’ to obtain even more beauty and attract even more people. #I would beat up my ex ‘b’ to the point of him almost dying to have a nice house and the best of the best of things. #I would beat up my bf ‘d’ to be more mentally stable so that I am balanced and at peace with myself and my life. #I would kill my ex ‘k’ to become a well known scholar who has many degrees in maths science and philosophy and to preform surgery&research #I would step on anybody to get to where I want to be in life if it meant making myself happy. #I just manipulated my bf into feeling bad for me because I genuinely just want to feel good and secure even if that’s at his expense. #he’s right.. I don’t care about anyone more than myself and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. why should I put someone above myself? #I’ll tell you what.. until someone can show me that being a good honest generous person can get me anywhere I’ll keep doing what works :) #grey god #puppets #and I genuinely just don’t like or care for others. there’s always something I want in return when it comes to relationships with others. #I find humans disgusting and faulty and I don’t care if I add to their pain because it’s usually to benefit me and if it doesn’t it’s to- #-get back at others for hurting me. or I’m bored. I probably have the most sick and twisted mind of anyone I know. I think people know that #-tho but they still keep me around and help me out whenever I need it. it’s all a show for me and for them. people are so stupid and they #-genuinely think doing the right think helps them. it doesn’t. it’s kind of sad. I just know that once ‘d’ realizes I’ve taken him for - #-everything he’s got it’ll be too late and he’ll have to deal with how much better I am than him and how much I’ve grown leeching off of- #-his emotional labor. I just jump from one person to another taking what I want and what I can. I don’t think I’ve genuinely loved anyone. #I’ve always been this way. I almost love people but then I just truly don’t. it’s more fun to see how far I can break them before #-they can’t do it anymore. I hope that everyone I’ve ever hurt continues to hurt forever and that they never grown or evolve. #’d’ told me tonight that I ruined his life. ‘b’ told me I ruined him. ‘m’ is a coward and he said he’ll never love again. #’k’ is a used up simple minded loser. ‘p’ is a stunted delusion addict with me issues for the rest of his life. notice I said me issues and #not daddy or mommy issues lol. I have tricked them all. they are all pathetic and whimpy fucks. #the day I grinded against ‘d’s sluty ass again after I ‘raped him’ he told me to go slow but it made me think.. what if I just raped him? #I could just do it and he won’t do shit about it. he’ll forgive me like always. he’s an insecure loser. I wanted to just take my dick- #and shove it down his throat and then ruin his hole with it #but I didn’t. I respected what he said but the fact that I thought about it isn’t good.