#it's a really weird feeling and i know im isolating myself but i just dont know what else to do

[monstriiss]

.

#gonna get kinda heavy in the tags since im stuck on mobile and cant drop a read more but i need to vent fam squad #god I want to come back but i just don't know how to talk #like i feel like i cant just spring back into conversation like everything is okay and fine #because its not and i dont know how to get over the mental barrier of talking about normal things #it's a really weird feeling and i know im isolating myself but i just dont know what else to do #like i can talk to my family that were there for it. i can talk to people that have been through it #idk i just feel really disconnected #my friends try to talk to me about things and i just cant relate anymore #and they dont get it either. none of my friends have lost their parents and especially havent seen someone die #and they dont know how to talk about it so now its like none of us bother #theres things that happened that i cant say and tbh im pretty haunted #to them its been ages since mum died but to me its only two weeks and still feels like yesterday #i think im pulling away just so i dont have to deal with the hurt of being dropped first #im glad that i have some good close friends that i CAN talk to about things and im so grateful for them #but hoooo boy everything hits different now #tiejfkeie boy am i glad i get to see my therapist tomorrow dkfjskfndk #;; ooc. #death tw #parent death tw #negative tw #;; tbd.

[whomturgled]

:^(

#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^ #thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too #n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but #also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH #n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl #just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh #to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha #anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE #but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like #an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse #its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow #i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee #but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others #like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺 #im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh #instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some #of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess #idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad #for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow #and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea #YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future #whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now. #god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u #feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr #It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!

[zhuhongs]

resisting the urge to reply to my coworkers text a day later like "hey, sorry for the late response even though i initiated this conversation. its been a strange week, long story. also i hope i didnt come across as creepy asking for your number lol. how are you?" im not sending it but i need to put it out there so i can proceed in a way that doesnt read as .. awkward as hell

#im basically just sending the normal parts of this text to them and see where it goes from there. and if it goes nowhere thats also fine. im #just.. preparing myself. for that. bc yea. idk i like wanted to befriend this coworker bc they were quiet and seemed to be similar to me #when i was fresh out of hs and at that time i really appreciated others reaching out so im trying to return the favor even though i literal #ly dont know anything abt this person besides his name and the fact that we were coworkers like!! this feels so weird! bc i dont know #how to be intentional in my actions without feeling like an absolute freak bc of deep rooted shame of existing!! #anyways i just want to have one proper chat with this guy or attempt to and after that i think i will be ok. bc i tried #and im so used to giving up on anything related to ppl i barely know and that is working to my deteriment bc i am So Isolated when i dont #need to be!! cheers!!

[pearl-likes-pi]

i honestly dont know hoe to say this, but you really had a hand in shaping my brai chemistry while i was growing up, no kidding. i remember when i was 13 or so and whenever you posted a pearl rap career chapter it would unironicaly make my day (specially when you dropped the peridot chapter i had a stomach infection or smth, so that video and the last one out of beach city episode were on replay for me for a few days). its really weird seeing that rebecca managed to make a safe space for lgbt folks (it was really hard for me to accept myself as gay, it seems really simple nowadays but back then it was so discomforting to even thinm about it so su and its fandom, and by some extent, your vids, helped me externalize some feelings or queernes i guess, do you remeber when someone said your video editing was raw and masculine? lol). anyways, its wild to think i was in 5th grade when i first watched laser light canon and now im finishing my journalism course in college and seeing how this show raised me in some way and helped me to be aware of my own mental health i only have good memories, thankfully, and its really sad to see that it ended, but i honestly wouldnt have had it any other way. its kind of a long rant but id like to thank you, mackenzie, your videos made me laugh a lot when i was a teen and they still make me now. this show was truly a gift, it made us connect to something bigger and magical. this was kind of a long rant since ive kinda forgotten that su existed and remined that it existed because of some dreams lol. i remembered back then when i was super anxious about the cluster episode, i remeber checking your tumblr everyday and seeing fanon content. i really dont know how to express myself since english is not my first language and i tend to ramble on a lot on my native one, but id like to say youve made me smile a lot, it was so cool seeing you present the su podcast and being an intern at CN. i honestly wish you the best.

Dude it means so much to hear that my lil shitposts have had an impact on people!!!! I completely understand where youre coming from re: SU's impact on your life (and acceptance of queer identity) and feel the same way!!! im so grateful for this show and everything it represents. in a world without Steven Universe my current life would be completely unrecognizable. like genuinely I dont think any single aspect of my life would be the way it is without SU. which is nuts but it's true!!!

I love engaging with this community and it gave me a lot of support when I was at a place in my life where I felt pretty isolated. I'm kind of rambling now too but this seriously has been sitting in my inbox for a bit now and I just knew i needed to respond and say thank you for sharing. <3

ALSO LMAO I FORGOT ABT THE RAW AND MASCULINE COMMENT THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME HAHA

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

4/8/2024 eclipse notes

Overall it was a hopeful day for me despite the ever-looming sense of mourning. but the eclipse made it feel special. this eclipse was so mathematically rare because of the exact EXACT chiron conjunction. down to the minute. never experienced something so precise in my 15 yrs observing astrology.. i lit a candle for sammy & spent a while praying then did yoga n journalled outside as the eclipse waned. u couldnt see the full thing here but i saw a little ^.^

i've talked about chiron on the blog b4 but if ur not sure basically it's a major asteroid named after chiron the centaur, "The Wounded Healer". i feel that nickname sums up wat chiron's about, it's your deepest pain, isolation, rejection, & it's where your greatest potential to heal others (+yourself) can be brought forth. so chiron was turbo-activated today. it's digging up a lot of sh** for me truly. like this is rly crazy. but what i realized today is that i'm in the best place i've ever been to grieve, that was my eclipse revelation i spose.

and this is the most painful loss i have experienced in a loooong long time bcus this was someone i spoke to basically every day for the past year. but even then, i feel sm more equipped to get thru it , even if i feel rly quiet rn & not like myself, i kno it'll pass & i'll feel like i can be normal again. dnt feel much like posting rn but i'll get back to it eventually cus sammy rly loved my blog like sincerely i never felt embarrassed that he read my posts. although i do feel this is causing me another minor crisis over internet usage & how to exist online, i know i have to keep posting for sammy P..

yeah ahh the sadness comes in waves but im really glad i am where i am rn to process it all. it's weird to know this will impact my whole life going forward. it makes me think back to sain;t's death and how that changed the course of everything. except back then i was in the WORST environment to cope with it. it's so different now. saint's full name was saint chiron too !! so i always think of them when new chiron sky theatrics are happening. i'm like Awww Saint Wouldve loved writing a 10 paragraph introspective post about this ...They trained me in this manner :>

couldnt resist a late night ramble as i am ever so restless. tomorrow i have therapy for the first time since the day before denji ate a ziploc bag and got emergency surgery. i think that was like 3? weeks ago?? so basically i'm convinced time isnt real anymore because there's no way it hasn't been 3 months. rapid fire trauma lol o_o like please wonderful lord in heaven can we just pick, a struggle , one single struggle is enough. tysm. thats all for now.. trying not to scroll the dash because everything make me feel too crazy rn so pls dont think im ignoring u everyone Ok ilu.. gn

[skz-maybe-incorrects]

Here's A Little Get-To-Know-You Tag Game!

Tagged by: de wonderfulest ppl @noonaracha @straykidsgallery and @itsstraykids thank you sm!!! (go appreciate their cool point stories!)

Name(s): juni! is what i decided. some friends on this hellsite also call me solar so wtv u prefer. atp i just have a bunch of nicknames bcs i also have a Weird Name, A Weirder (Family) Nickname in real life

Pronouns: he/she/they/it<3 when i say feel free. pls and thank u

Star Sign: libra, right when it starts (and just a day after seungmin's!)

#of Siblings And Fun Facts About Them(if u have any): one (1) younger gremlin brother, and the funnest fact abt them is that he has been a walking directory of telephone no's since he was 4 and now can be relied upon to calculate large numbers inside his head in point seconds. Still hates physics(and most things theory)> by which, he also stores insane and inane amount of stats info (abt all types of things, but mostly sports) inside his head ready to be flourished at a moments notice, which is mildly impressive when ur 6 and debating with college students the scores of a game that happened 15yrs before u were born but not now when ur 17 and ppl are more focused on your test scores rather than ones u know, so</3 also has his birthday on changbin's but he doesnt know abt that

#of Pets: there's a history there. with fishes that my ma deceived me with on my 12th birthday(when i asked for a pet, i imagined smth i could hold) and then liked too much herself that we had them for 5yrs. three times; birds, but my brother kind of freed them while singing a lullaby with only me as an unbelieving witness. a dog (belovedest of em all) my dad picked from street as a puppy and who, then, had to be given away after 3yrs bcs of Stupid Reasons im still mad abt. now i just have street cats showing up at my front door to safekeep their babies on my staircase's isolated nooks till they grow up and vanish and street dogs who believe i have endless supplies of treats and show me sad faces when i dont. i really want a pet</3 but for now im contending with pictures of kitties whose moms operate on strict 'see-dont-touch' policies and sweet sweet strays who like to befriend u too easy.

Fandoms: many, but rn im active mostly in skz and mxtx. id love to be in other stuff i read and watch but since Capitalism hates me dearly,,,

Favorite Color: darker shades of all and any colors(esp blue green and red)!!! can be relied upon immensely to look warm and pretty always

Favorite Song: picking favorites for anything is out of my capabilities. also am just listening to my favorite bollywood playlist a lot these days.

Favorite Author: have a working list of favorite poets that does not end at 1. have not read a book seriously in four years of exam/prep-locking. but even if i did, idt ill be able to pick any favorite bcs, yk. good things in many things. (tldr; its roald dahl) (and ruskin bond who i read when i was 5 and still read when im so tired bcs his stories inspire me to write always)

Hobbies: I dance(perform) sometimes? I write??(←derogatory, dubious) make stuff, mostly poems and stories and tinker with free things i can do, both online or craft. analysis of things with friends is a beloved activity. i liek yoga and stretching (rn in an ongoing war with 3° winter mornings to drag myself out of bed and go to class at 6) cooking when i have time but mostly, always, reading (or! watching) stories, poems and learning abt cool nonfiction things (does crying abt fiction count)

Favorite Holiday: none of the above its the trips and getaways u make for yourself. all my beloved memories are always mostly from when our family makes a trip to someplace my mom insists or there's a non-worrying emergency to go somewhere. just family getting together under some pretense, even tho it is stressful as fuck.

Do You Have Any Partner(s): persuading my best friend atm but sadly she's straight</3(no lmao)

Fun facts about you/anything extra you wanna share!: since im having it rn- coffee doesnt keep me up or sometimes even makes me nod off, a fact i discovered after my 14yr old brain had the brilliant idea to try out the cool, forbidden drink after dinner knowing i wasnt allowed to. this is not fun to my ma but growing up in a sort of restrictive household, im also just weirdly good at sneaking and doing stuff im not supposed to without getting caught. i also do not know how to talk in lesser words. this is an absolute curse, yes i have tried. beware</3

this^ is a mess but thank u i had fun!! lemme tag: @winterfloral @syannie @hyunhomoons @quokki @chogiwow @agibbangs @rainknow @lixence @hyunebear @straykidsgallery @jerirose @ambivartence @hongjoongpresent + anyone who wishes to! apologies if tagged already!

#tag games #no pressure giys but also pls do it im nosy and id love to know !! #also ignore. the wordiness. i tried my best

[syntaxfraud]

Vent

TW: mentions of bl0od, some cusswords, dysphoria

I was questioning my identity as a non-human, and I mightve figured that I most closely identified to being a vampirekin (potentially a fictokin? Idk if I spelled that right) or an alienkin. Also keep in mind that Im fifteen, so my vent could have a few grammatical mistakes.

I could be a therian as well but I realized that I could be 'choosing' to identify as one to find some community to relate to (since Im autistic and cant really socialize with people, especially with my peers in HS). I dont necessarily feel a connection with most animals, let alone nature, and I felt emotionally numb when I did quadrobics.

So there's probably a low chance of me actually having a connection to animals, therefore it wouldnt be best for me to identify as a therian. But at the same time, Ive shown the most important criteria of being a therian, such as dreaming, shifting, etc,. Specifically, Ive shifted into a bat (flying fox) in dreams and phantom shifts. This could have some correlation to being a vampirekin in a sort pf eay though, because in the dream I remember I was a vampire.

On the otherhand, Ive always had some connection with supernatural beings and aliens. I think I was around seven when I watched a vampire movie (hotel trannsylvania) and I quickly felt this weird connection with the vampires. I legit wanted to be a vampire, hell I even dreamt of becoming one multiple times (I still do, Ive tried lucid dreaming because of that). The problem was that I didnt have the urge to drink blood, I mean I've tried when I was 12-14 (Im 15 now) and in my edgy phase (so its either I did that because its cool or because it has something to do with my kintype). Idk, my guess is that I could have some non-human dysphoria (since I always wanted sharper canines), maybe a bit of a psychological connection to vampire kintype, and definitely an emotionally connection to vampire kins.

But theres another problem, because I noticed that the vampires that I had an emotional connection to most were only from the castlevania show. I am aware that multiple shows/movies/etc,. can potray vampires in various perspectives but if I only related to vampires from one specifc kind of show, then shouldnt that logically indicate that Im a fictokin? I've kinned multiple characters because I was able to relate to their personalities, backstories, development, etc,. (even though those specifc characters werent created to be relatable)

So my concerns are that;

I dont know if its possible to have multiple other-kin types. I mean it sorta makes sense, since there can be gray areas in a black and white concepts but still lmao-

Also, if my idenity as a therian and otherkin are both valid, Im afraid if I might be considered cringe or delusional. Like I've seen people react to cringe comps with people saying that they're (example): "lesbian, transgender, cat/wolf therian, fictokin" (Im just putting random identities as an example, no bigotry intended) and they did not take that lightly, because apparently those peopke are putting 'too many labels on themselves'. Because of that, Im afraid if I might be one of those people, since I also personally identify as a lot of stuff (trans male, pansexual, potentially otherkin/therian).

I'm not sure if I'm choosing to be a therian/otherkin, since I could be trying to fit myself into a specific community due to social isolation (which Ive struggled with my entire life). Im also scared if my identity could be a phase too tbh.

Honestly any advice is appreciated, I would also definitely like to know how yall figured out that you were non-humans <3

#vampirekin #therian community #therian culture #therian #species dysphoria #otherkin #fictokin #otherkin community

[sassykinzonline]

who loved who first? when do you think you each fell in love?

im...not sure actually. it's like asking, "when did you know the sky was blue?" i'll try to sort it out.

he was attracted to me first. that much is obvious given the longing stares and bed time fantasies of his. i was aware of him, and i was curious, but at the same time i was afraid of what i thought my family would think so i didn't really let it go there.

there's a conversation in the itachi light novels that is pretty similar to an actual one i had with my brother. basically one day, super randomly, he asked me what i though of naruto and i said i dont have any special feelings but i think he doesn't like me. my brother asked why and i said because hes always yelling at me and trying to make me mad, so i just ignore him like everyone else who follows me around for no good reason. my brother asked me, "what if he has a good reason?" and then just walked off like a dickhead. but from that point on i tried to avoid naruto less and pay attention to what he was saying to me. i realized that he antagonizes people because he wants their attention and doesn't know how to get it, and the stuff he says to me were backhanded compliments and essentially invitations to train. so i started indulging him from time to time because it was fun and it made me feel good about myself.

then my family died and all of a sudden i realized what it was like to both be lonely and want to isolate yourself from everyone around you. on my first day back from school, of course everyone was talking about itachi going batshit and killing my family and how "maybe sasuke will do the same" "yeah hes super weird he never talks to anyone". that was the one day i can remember naruto not saying anything, and i was mad at him because i wanted him to. apparently what i didnt know is he fought with some of the kids who were saying really stupid shit. so that's apparently when i subconsciously knew i felt differently about him.

the day i realized i liked him was the day we kissed, then were put on the same team, then he flopped at trying to kidnap me (wtf was that about?). when i was tied up i realized i wasnt mad, just really happy that this was gonna be my life from now on. that's why when i saw him again i just teased him, and why i lashed out at sakura when she was badmouthing him.

if i try to trace back when the first time i realized i love him was, it was probably orochimaru's hideout. leaving him was painful, but eventually i just went numb. when i saw him again and the first thing he asked me was why didn't i kill him, with that sad and scared face...i thought about the way he cried at the idea of me leaving him and being in danger. i realized he still thought i didnt care for him and that he was weak, and i could tell he was upset at himself and not me. it made me realize how similar we are because that's exactly how i felt when itachi left, but more importantly it made me realize i never wanted him to think i felt that. so i must feel the opposite. that's why i told him i spared his life on a whim instead of just saying the same thing my brother said to me, i didnt want to twist the knife. and i wanted an excuse to hold him so i staged a death threat.

i know around the time itachi came back was when i started contemplating about him more seriously, so i probably "fell in love" when i woke up from the coma i was in and realized he had saved me. but that's also why i was so angry.

onto the easier question: naruto has always loved me but just didnt know how to express it. when i say "express", i dont mean tell me. i mean he didnt know how to show it and he didnt know what it entailed. it was just more platonic for him for a while, then when we were fighting right before i left, i think he realized it might not have been only platonic. this is just my guess because i never asked since i dont really care and i dont think he himself could answer me, but he probably realized it was romantic right after he defeated pain. i know that moment was empty for him. i also heard from him that inari asked about me, and the old guy asked if i left because of some sort of lovers' conflict? but the face he made when he told me that was like he was embarrassed. i dont see why he would be embarrassed unless it was somewhat true for him and he didnt like getting called out as a joke. he probably "fell" in love in haku's ice mirrors because hes a queen like that.

#ask #you already know if you ask me about naruto its gonna get long #i would hope that doesnt bother anyone anymore #sasunaru headcanons #sasuke headcanons #naruto headcanons #sasunaru #sasuke rp

[ankhisms]

dairy comic nov 26th 2023. ive made art before about this specific feeling because it haunts me but my heads been hurting for about 24 hours straight and things have felt weird bad. it helped to draw this

comic text transcript in case anyone cant read it:

ive felt like the absence of a person rather than someone real. i feel as though there is an invisible wall between me and everyone else- i cant break through. i am a stray scratching at your door who your mother says to not let in. but i keep scratching- please let me in, its so cold out here, i cant claw my way through the wall on my own. im scared no one wants the wall to be gone- that no one wants me to come any closer. will everyone want me around if i changed everything about me? do i have to be quieter, or louder, or smaller? should i just pretend i dont care about it all? will you like me if im a stone statue almost of myself? what is "myself" anyway- if not something people look at and know something is wrong. i guess its easy to turn to self isolation with a wall- you can only bang your head against it so many times. i wish it were different, wish i could know how to be a person and not something you cant let in.

washed my hair and ate pumpkin pie, so i feel more like im human now

also some extra thoughts... the wall feeling doesnt mean that i dont care about people or dont love people, its really the opposite... i love people a lot and desperately want to connect with people but i struggle to be able to feel like im a person and struggle with talking etc etc so even if i really love people i still get the feeling that im somehow distanced from both myself and life and like that at some point theyll get tired of me or that they dont want me around. its hard to explain

i think im gonna try to do more of these comics, thanks if youve read this

#diary comic tag

[wwwkun003]

small details in some lazy coords lately. i really like all my pieces atm i hope i feel good in them soon.

vent incomiiiing

TW: general moping and neediness fear weird feelings

ive been feeling super terrible still. i dont know what to do because it feels still like its growing. things keep gettig harder and i keep feeling more and more isolatef and alone. i dont know how to fix what im feeling and it feels like nothing is enough because i keep feeling this scared loneliness growing and these feelings of wanting to do some not so great things. i have been feeling like a massive failure in many areas of my life andlike i keep taking 50 steps back. the more that things happen and i feel things again the more i realizr i havent changed at all and that is provably why things will akways feel this way for me? i havent grown at all or changed i am still exactly the same as befor ebecaudr instesd of trying ti change i isolated myself until just now. my connevtions with people are still basically non existant but now when i do find myself having feelings thay i did beflre i realizr thay its because i completely shut myself off from the oppirtunity ti change. i feel ugly and terrible physicallyb and emotionally and im not sure what the right stepa for me to take are anymore. im scared that if these things continue i wont be able to fix it or help mysekf and i will judt be stuck inna loop of being this way foreverr. im tired and insecure abd i iust really hope things start feeling better soon

#egl fashion #egl lolita #old school egl #old school lolita #gothic lolita #lolita fashion #egl community #spotify #egl coord #lolita coord

[psychrolutidae]

Restless legs syndrome is prbably my least favorite knee sensation. Heres some childhood stuff that also makes my cpu overclock (reddit rant#2)

r/chronohaul

Man i wish i coud just do an audio message on here but im not doxxing myself im a [probably] autistic highschool girl who gets mass downvoted every few weeks. Anyway ive been thinking 🤔 I've been thinking 😁 idk how the Yakuza works and idc to learn cause thats a little too #real yanno so if I'm off the mark here i dont give a dam. But theres two ways the whole school thing can go: they go to whatever school together and probably don't speak to anyone other than each other (kai out of disgust, sickness etc, hari out of "ok that's what kais doing and i dont really have the desire to do anything else so I'll just follow him around [thats actually a pretty succinct chronostasis character analysis in general]"). i imagine kai would struggle with germs and stuff and hari would stand guard casually outside of broom closets and bathroom stalls while he had breakdowns in there (lost kitten by metric moments! listen to it now When you come undone i cover you uuuuppp) and then kai would just come back out not really looking any better and say Okay lets go.

And the other angle is the two of them confined to the hideout, the youngest in the building so having next to no one to ask for help with questions from the textbooks tht were requested to be procured by pops . This one Low Key makes me insane cause it completely recontextualizes them. Like wdym you two literally only had each other through your entire childhood and now you just say shit like "sorry 4 the wait i was trying to keep our trail clear" "thanks" likw HUH HUH

even the idea of them going to school together does that to me cause i doubt they ever talked to anyone but each other so. A little more socially adapted but still very isolated situation.

This would create The most insane codependency youve ever seen. Literally only having one other person your age who completely understands your living situation would drive you insane. The more i think about them the less likely i feel like it is to ever do deep character analyses on either of them without coming to the conclusion that they Cannot survive without each other. And that's gay as hell.

One more thing. Is the idea that they knew what their roles as adults were going to be. At a certain age they would cease to be friends and become boss and employee. And. They knew thjs the whole time. Allll the training chrono did tk become a marksman was done with the knowledge in mind that he was going to directly serve kai. How do u liveeee with ur best friend knowing ur gonna be directly subordinate to him indefinitely.&."!&!&!"!*!_!&! What did this knowledge do to their baby psyches. (It made them more codependent).

So non e of this stuff about them growing up in the organization together is evr confirmed but like ... if chrono was friends w kai as a child and then joined the shie hassaikai later in life i kinda doubt he would have as much admiration fkr what kai does for ut bc chrono does show a devotion for the SH. Hes like This is 4 the gang!!! And gets stabbed its like that vine with the guy shooting a basketball and saying This one is to end racism and then missing the shot. So to me this is my canon just cause it makes sense. And if it came out that chronos joining the sh was a "quit yr job" "why" "join my emo band" scenario well I'm gonna be really upset

Anyway just to be clear the potential autism isnt the reason i talk weird i just think its funny and Freeing to use weird diction and go off on tangents. The potential autism is definitely the reason i spend half an hour writing these things though. Love you all (no one is reading this) 💖

#p #chronohaul #chronostasis #hari kurono #OVerhaul #kai chisaki

[petewentzisblack1312]

hi i wanted to ask something but also share something personal as well. my q is: do you feel like your relationship w social media has changed? meaning, do you catch / notice when you are on it for too long and you start to notice, and then you say: okay let's take a break. for me, i have been online for a long time ever since i was a kid, and now my relationship to it is i only limit myself an hour to being on my phone. as an adult now i am no longer social media "obsessed". like, when i am in school i am not thinking about online, i am present when im at school. i feel like i am really close to just deleting sm tbh. it does not grant me happiness like it used to. now as an adult i feel this need to live my life freely.

i also wanted to ask what are ur thoughts on content influencers? to me when i see these ppl i think...i could never post about everything about my life, but then again understanding that it is just a highlight reel. no one is posting every sad / frustrating thing that happens in their life as influencer, only the "great" parts.

this is an interesting question! i think ive never really had a relationship to social media where i feel like i need to post constantly or felt pressured to share everything. while im definitely the most online out of my household, compared to a lot of other people im not really very present online. i dont like using twitter, i only really use instagram to look at and post art and occasionally post a picture of my cat or nature or food on my main account, i dont really get up to much and i never use facebook unless i have to. i hate it. even here on tumblr i dont post a lot about my personal life unprompted, and this is the social media site i use the most by far. i do scroll tumblr a lot, i do watch a lot of youtube videos (though almost exclusively video essays on politics and recently also artist vlogs) and i do notice myself scrolling a bit too much, particularly when im overstimulated but instead of doing something less stimulating im anxious and looking for a distraction so i like. scroll harder. but ive never been like doing something else and thought 'man, i wish i was scrolling right now'. i dont really know. i do have trouble putting my phone down, like when i need to sleep, but i have trouble putting ANYTHING down. games, books, art or writing or projects im working on, music im listening to, i dont think tumblr is special, its just another activity for me to be distracted by.

all that being said, i did leave social media for a while. i had a really bad experience in a fandom on tumblr (not the pwams incident. that led me to step away from bandom and move to another fandom) and honestly it made me realise that the problem i had with social media wasnt that i was using it too much, but that i had a toxic relationship with the communities i was interacting with on there. the nature of my relationship to social media was unhealthy, not the fact that i had one that was a large part of my life. i think when i wasnt using any social media i actually wasnt in a great place either, because i was isolated from people id cared about, especially since i had just undergone a very traumatic incident, and because of that became very isolated from my in person friends as well, even before the pandemic pushed me away from even the acquaintances i had made. i was worried about coming back to tumblr, but i think ive grown and learned in such a way that i know how i like to comport myself in cyberspaces, and that its been good for me in a way. which is weird, but. i think id kind of have to go in depth about my life and how the pandemic affected me and the specific nature of coming of age in st lucia and stuff. which i dont want to do haha.

as for influencers. i hate the concept. i understand it, and i dont universally hate influencers as a whole, but like. theres this specific kind of content creator where the thing they are sharing is just their life and there isnt like a specific thing theyre logging, like an artist sharing their creative process and how they manage their life around that, or a chef sharing recipes, and its not like theyre doing it just to do it, they have the goal of growing a following, and theyre not advertising anything but themself, like JUST themself, as a person-brand, and i find that so deeply annoying and repulsive. and like thats strong wording its a dog eat dog world and the girlies of all genders need to secure the bag like i get it. i get it. but its revolting to me. like. the vlogbrothers werent trying to get famous they were using youtube to communicate with each other and as an open video diary and people found them to be interesting personalities to watch. right. do you get it. annoyingly i gotta put myself out there if i want people to find my art and pins and stuff so i have to fuckin. make videos. sell people on me. the idea of making vlogs makes me dry heave bc im not important i dont want to have to sell myself like im important i dont want to put my face on a camera and implicitly say with every quirky performed statement i make 'i matter, pay attention to me, i need to exist so look at me' but unfortunately i might have to. a video essay i could do. thats me saying something. but a vlog? with the goal of people finding my stuff? good god. it sounds like poison.

#dils declares #my tripod is broken so im using that as an excuse to not vlog. #i can do shortform video. thats dispassionate. #thats 60 seconds of selling myself or more likely my stuff in a highly edited way #there is no veneer of authenticity. no kayfabe. #i can do that. #but a whole fucking vlog? nauseating.

[positivelyadhd]

hi just wanna say thank u so much for this blog. i dont even remember when i started following it, maybe a year or two or three ago? but it was the first ever like, genuine unabashed positivity account on the internet i started engaging with.

i used to loathe myself for years. i used to beat myself up for everything and criticize myself and assume everyone was holding me to this impeccable yet undefined social standard that was always barely out of reach. i used to isolate myself and avoid everything and i didn't really care for life. i thought self affirmations were stupid and self love was uncomfortable, weird, and i relied on every form of external validation to feel good about myself. i didnt think i needed friends and i did everything to avoid feeling any hurt.

i started trying out this thing of unabashed self kindness earlier this year and it's been incredibly foreign, but also i have never felt more alive since i was an actual child. and i think like, majority of the words that have kept me afloat have been from posts on this blog.

im at a point now where ive like, experienced so much joy that my brain's sort of reared its head and started beating me up again when there's a chance i'll become depressed again. which is not fun but also im really really glad i have things to lose in this world now. if that makes sense lol

thank u sm for being a wodnerful ray of positivity in this world and i wish u the absolute best. 💖💖💖

Hello Anon!

Firstly, I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to see this! (I need to use tumblr desktop more, mobile always seems to hide ask notifs from me!)

I honestly can't find words to tell you how happy and honoured it makes me to know that this blog and my words have helped you in being kinder to yourself and finding more joy in the world.

Everything you said, about not believing in positivity posts and isolating yourself and holding yourself to an impossible standard also resonates so deeply with me. Those are all things I found really really difficult (and still sometimes do!) and are the reasons I started this blog in the first place! I admired the positivity community here a lot and wanted to have somewhere to keep the posts that resonated with me in one place. As a way of reminding myself that there is so much joy and beauty in the world if you look for it, but also acknowledging that that can be so difficult when you're struggling with mental illness and the fact you are trying is so, so important. This blog is here for everyone, always, but it started as a thing for myself when I was finding it hardest to find the parts I love in the world! I am so happy to hear that it's also helped to achieve the same thing for you as well. If there's one thing I want to do with my life it's to help people in ways I wish I could've been helped myself and to remind people (and myself!) that there is wonderful things here, even it's sometimes hard to see.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been finding it harder again, but I am sending you so much love and positivity and I hope you can continue to be kind and patient with yourself as you have been and know that you deserve to do the kind things that you do for yourself.

I am sending you all my love and thank you so much for this ask <33

#once again i can't tell you how greatful I am for this message anon thank you <33 #anon #opening letters