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britswriting · 2 months

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Devotion (23)

Devotion Masterlist

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Warnings: Sexual content - I didn't make it extremely detailed, because if I do that it ends up being 2k words...

*Leighton's POV*

Walking back through our apartment door felt like a slap in the face. I expected to immediately get into pack mode and start figuring out logistics; and yet here I was, no new house to prepare for, no concrete plans to think about. I felt stuck; it was infuriating.

Christmas began approaching with no news about us possibly moving and I was starting to lose hope. We really lost our dream home, and I can't imagine how we're supposed to replace that feeling. Having to start from scratch felt like a stab in the back for all my hopes and dreams.

"Got your bag, kiddo?" I called out, Gemma walking out of the bathroom to come put on her shoes.

"Oh no!" She fretted, racing to her room.

I giggled, loving the sound of her little voice as her feet slapped against the hardwood floor. I swiped my phone and keys off the side table, Gemma coming back with her bag over her shoulders.

She looked like she was ready to go off to school causing my heart to clench.

Gemma bent over, velcroing her shoes as I snickered to myself watching her backpack almost topple over her head.

"Mommy help!" She whined, fed up as she tossed her foot in the air towards me, the velcro straps flopping.

"Baby, set your bag on the ground, then velcro your shoes. You're a big girl, you can do it. Daddy's waiting on you, let's go" I rushed, needing to get to Gabe's in time for my midwife appointment.

Gemma talked my ear off the entire way to her father's; running up to his door and jumping to ring the bell, greeting Zara with just as much enthusiasm, happily saying goodbye to me and practically leaving me in her dust as I walked back to my car.

I was happy she was happy with her father, but it still felt weird dropping her off and not picking her up for a few days. She was growing up and it was terrifying.

Colby met up with me at my midwife appointment, ending a phone call before greeting me with a kiss, "Ready to see our baby girl?" he asked, lacing our hands together.

"I'm ready to see how much she's grown" I replied, yanking the door open, cold hair hitting me in the face.

"Ms. Fox?" A bright new smiley face beamed from the front desk.

"Can't wait for the day it's Mrs. Brock" Colby murmured to me as I began to check into our appointment, a silly smile spreading around my face as I sided eyed him before focusing back on the papers.

"Claire should be out in a minute" The woman, Becky— reads her nametag, informed.

Colby and I sat, Colby immediately pulling out his phone to scroll through Instagram, liking posts here and there before opening his text messages.

My eyes rolled as I sighed, quietly complaining, "You know, not to be that girl, but can you get off your phone and talk to me please? This is supposed to be like an important experience for us, and I feel like you're just here because you have to be" I expressed, the nervous butterflies running rampant in my stomach.

Colby glanced at me as I spoke, his thumb clicking the off button, "I didn't know you wanted me to constantly fill the silence"

Is he serious?

"Yes Colby. That's my fricken problem. I can't sit in fricken silence." I groused, turning to face him, "Are you for real? Is it really a big problem for me to want your attention? You know, I recall claiming I wanted date nights and shit when we got back together and look at us now" I huffed.

Am I stupid to think he actually means it when he says he wants this? I swear we agree on one thing and do another. I don't know how else to communicate with this man then bluntly telling him what I want, or need; yet here I am, pregnant with his child and it feels like he'd rather be somewhere else completely.

"I've been busy" He tried to defend, a defeated sigh leaving my lips.

"Yep" is all I said before Claire came and got us, leading us back to the room.

Colby stared as I went through the motions; even when my shirt was resting under my breasts as she measured my belly, just stared. No comments on the baby, on me, not voicing anything. Just his blue beady eyes staring at me like he had fully checked out and got lost in Colby land.

It wasn't until our daughter was on the screen that he made comments, things like "Look at her hand moving" and "She yawned!" cooing over our daughter; it definitely made my ovaries think about how I could maybe keep doing this for him. We got our ultrasound photos, set up our next appointment and Colby asked, "Are we going back to the apartment and taking one vehicle to lunch?" Checking in, twirling his car keys around his finger as we walked.

"That's the plan" I replied, hopeful that this would be like a reconnecting date for us. Something I know we would gratefully benefit from.

No phones. No work. Just us, eating lunch, talking together, enjoying eachothers company.

"Your burger and fries," The waitress placed a plate in front of Colby, "and your grilled cheese and tomato soup" she slid the plate and bowl in front of me. "Can I get you anything else?"

"I'm good, you?" I eyed Colby, Colby kindly dismissing the waitress.

I dipped my grilled cheese before taking a bite, Colby swirling his straw in his soda cup, followed by a drink.

"Do you think I should just give birth in California? I mean, what is the likeness of us finding a house, moving and settling in by the time this baby is born? Especially with a home birth..." I sighed, "I really want to have a home birth, but I feel like every sign is pointing towards it being a bad idea. We literally don't have a place to do it and I'm due in April" I stressed.

With my dad's house having been sold and him temporarily moving in with Logan and Cynthia, I was feeling the pressure of figuring this whole house thing out even more.

Not only was I hitting nesting mode with no nest to prepare, but I was very aware of the calendar days ticking by. This baby had to come out at some point and we were nowhere near prepared.

"Isn't it too late to decide to do a hospital birth?" Colby questioned, not at all making me feel any better about how short our string was getting.

"Is it ever too late? Can't you just show up to the ER in labor and say, GET OUT OF MY WAY, I'M HAVING A BABY" I whisper yelled, Colby chuckling with a head shake.

"That's exactly how Gemma went. I remember it vividly" he teased, popping a fry in his mouth.

"Oh shut up" I scoffed, snickering, taking another bite of my grilled cheese. "I can't believe I'm back in the situation of having a baby with no plan. I really thought things would be different this time. I had such high hopes for that house.. and I can't believe it slipped through our fingers just like that" I snapped my fingers, huffing.

"You have a plan." He credited, "It just isn't going to plan. Like most labor and deliveries"

My eyes rolled, "Shut up. Now is not the time for an I told you so. Am I just going to shove this baby out in our apartment bathroom? Might as well be on a public bus" I grouched.

"We'll figure it out, Leighton" He reassured, taking another bite of his burger.

"When?" I snapped, "When I'm dripping fluids and in severe pain? Because I think by then it's too late to figure it out" My eyes narrowed.

"We can always move after she's born" Colby suggested.

"But that wasn't the plan" I whined, my face scrunched up at the idea of trying to move halfway across the country with two children.

It was a pain in the ass when Gemma was an infant, let alone to have a toddler and a newborn.

"But it's a plan" He emphasized my eyes narrowing again.

"Might as well move back in with Aunt Melissa" I huffed, dragging my spoon through the thick red liquid.

"That's also a plan. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we were actively house hunting. Your aunt and uncle love when you're over"

"I don't want to keep being in her hair. I'm too old to constantly run to them when shit gets rough"

"I'm just saying we have options. Or we could rent a place, but you don't like airbnb's because of your fear of secret cameras"

"It's a valid fear" I defended, sitting up straighter, feeling the pulling in my lower back.

God I can't wait to get this baby out of me.

"It might be a dice we have to roll if you want to move there before baby girl is born"

"I just hate that nothing, and I mean nothing, ever goes to plan. If it's not one thing, it's another. I don't understand why you aren't more frustrated about this?"

Colby wiped ketchup from his mouth, licking his lips before clearing his throat, "I am frustrated that we keep having to jump through hoops, but we can't just see what's happened. We just need to figure out plan B"

"Well at this point, we're on plan Z" I grouched.

"I'm trying here Leighton, and you're shooting me down" Colby sighed, leaning back against the chair.

"I know, and I'm sorry, It's just.." I sighed, "I'm beyond frustrated with everything. It's pissing me off"

The entire drive home I scrolled through different houses in our price range, none of them marking every checkbox like the house that we lost.

Either you had nice bedrooms and a shitty backyard, or a great backyard but it was on a busy street, and if it wasn't a busy street, it had a nice kitchen and family room, but the crime rate was too high.

Why does nobody talk about how hard it is to find a house to raise your family in?

"We could always build" Colby reminded me, my eyes rolling.

"Colby. I'm due in four months. We're lucky if we can create a fucking floorplan by then" I grumbled, "God," I groaned, "Why couldn't this baby be coming in like.. 2 years from now or something. Something that just gives us more time"

"Leighton, I don't know what to tell you. We need to make a decision eventually, even if it's just temporary. We can always rent a place for a while and build a house or whatever"

"But nothing feels right"

"Babe, you're going to need to give an inch here. If we want to move before this kid is born, we need to have already made solid plans. So what if it isn't your dream kitchen, or beautiful master bath. It's a house that will house our beautiful children temporarily whilst we figure out our long term plan."

I knew he was right, but it didn't make it any less frustrating.

Later that night Colby rubbed the knots out of my back as I showed him different rental properties, holding my tongue about the things I disliked.

It's a house that will house our children. It needs to be safe, not perfect.

We narrowed it down to a few, even sent two to our realtor with offers, sending us back into the agonizing waiting game.

"My body was not made for pregnancy" I groaned, the weight of this baby in my belly taking a toll on me more every single day.

"And yet you carry it beautifully" his warm lips pressed two soft kisses to my left shoulder blade.

"Don't get any bright ideas, Brock. We're done after this" I half joked, relaxing against his touch, allowing all the weight on my back to press into him.

"Are you being serious, or?" His tone was soft, yet concerned.

"I mean.. do you really think I can do this a third time?" I genuinely asked, "I know Gemma's pregnancy medical wise was worse, but this one is really making me miss when there wasn't a baby in my womb. She's killing my muscles"

"Just wait for when she's on your bladder" He half joked.

"You put those words right back in your mouth" I playfully snapped, glaring at him, a smile tugging at my lips; only to give in fully as he kissed me.

"You know I love you, and your body, and the way you carry babies, but if you're being serious about being done....... I guess I just need to cherish this pregnancy a little bit more" He caressed my stomach, placing yet another soft kiss on my stomach.

Flashes of earlier at our midwife appointment appeared in my head, but I shoved them far far away, desperately wanting to bask in the affectionate side of Colby that I've been begging to return, then argue about whatever was going on inside of his head only a few hours prior.

"I'm not saying I'm done for sure.. I'm just... it's hard, Colby. Carrying babies is hard — and if you tell me I carry it beautifully one more time I swear to god" I rushed, Colby's chest vibrating behind me as he chuckled. "I just don't know.. right now.. if I want to do this a third time. I'm sure if we wait a few years I'll want it again, and regret it halfway through, but don't expect me to shove six kids out of my vagina, and if I do, please.. for the love of god, shake some sense into me" I begged, giggling.

"Why would I do that if you make beautiful children?" he asked, kissing my neck.

"Colby" I groaned.. or well.. moaned.

"Hm?" he hummed against my skin, the grumble vibrating against my pulse point, earning yet another moan out of me.

"This isn't fair. I can't think straight if you're making my clit swell, greedy for attention" I huffed, feeling his hand slip between my legs and rub my covered sex, my eyes closing as my legs happily let him in.

"But I like your clit swollen, and greedy for attention. If you want me to stop, tell me to stop and it'll stop" he murmured against my skin, warm wet kissing going up and down my neck from under my jawline all the way down to my collarbone.

"Finish what you started, Brock" I groaned, my back arching off his chest as he pushed my underwear aside, tracing my folds with the tip of his finger, circling around my clit before plunging into my aching center. "Oh my god" I moaned, his finger pumping in and out of my vagina. "Another, please" I begged, or well, cried.

His fingers moved in and out of me, stretching me out before he finally messed with my clit, liquid rushing out of me before I could even process what was happening; my moans loud enough for whomever was on the other side of the wall to hear.

"Jesus christ I've never come so suddenly" I panted, "Pregnancy is wild"

"And beautiful—"

"Shut up Colby before I don't want your cock near me" I groaned, moving to face him.

"Look at your bump, baby" he fawned, his hands running over my stomach.

"Colby" I groaned, my hands on the front of his shoulders, shoving him more into the pillows as I straddled his thighs, his erection pressing against my aching cunt. "Can I try something?" I asked, slightly rubbing myself against him, loving the way I could feel him through our underwear.

"Go for it" he struggled out, pleasure written all over his face as his hands rested against my hips.

I began to slide up and down his cock, the head of his penis pressed firmly against his underwear, peeking out from underneath us as I moved against his length, loving the pressure it put on my clit.

Before I knew it, Colby was groaning, cum seeping through his underwear, the white mess making a puddle that seeped into my own underwear, causing me to move quicker, chasing my own orgasm only for him to carefully flip me over, pulling his cock out from his underwear and slipping it into my quivering center, pounding into me with no remorse.

"Oh my fucking god!" I moaned.

"You're so fucking wet" he grunted, my body slamming against his as our hips moved roughly against each other.

"You're covered in cum" I snickered, my nails raking down his back.

"I'm so fucking sensitive; I'm going to come again" he warned, the bed shaking beneath us before we both came undone together, breathless panting, moans and groans emerging as we separated

"We need to have sex when I'm pregnant more often" I panted, my eyes falling shut as he chuckled.

"That means you need to stop being mad at me so frequently" he smirked, my hand slapping his pec.

Gemma, Cynthia, Harper and I wandered around the mall Christmas shopping, reminding the toddlers that picking out Christmas wishlist gifts is not the same as buying it so we can play with it when we get home.

"So he just blew you off?" Cynthia asked, holding an upset Harper in her arms — moments ago she tried running off, ending in a lecture on safety and strangers before getting swooped up and put in air jail, Gemma toddling in front of us, hopping on the squares of the tile, trying not to step on the lines, her shoes slapping against the shiny white linoleum flooring.

"Well I reached out because of Christmas, you know? And Sam seemed like I was the last person he wanted to talk to, and then I asked Kat, because duh, and I swear it was like I had the plague or some shit. They ended up telling me they couldn't come due to going to their own families for Christmas, but it still rubbed me wrong. I swear ever since Colby and I got back together, things have been weird and it's just strange. I feel like I'm taking Colby away from his friends, but whenever I reach out, it always feels like I'm the last person they want to talk to. The only person who responds to my texts in a proper friendly manner is Stas, and even then, she's busy doing her own thing. So not only do I constantly feel like an outsider, but I can't even group people together to to meet up and spend some time together"

"If you've put in the effort, then that's on them. You can't change the way they act towards you. It's not your fault if Colby never sees them because they decide to be offstandish with you" Cynthia shrugs, "You tried— are trying; you're doing your best. It is strange that Sam's dismissing you though. You guys were close, no?"

"Yes" I sighed, "I'm telling you, ever since Colby and I got together, everything's been weird, and like, Colby used to put Sam on speaker when they talked, or let Gemma talk with him, but there's been so many hushed conversations and anytime he gets lost in his head, he's been conversing with Sam. I just wish one of them would talk to me; I feel like I'm losing them both. The other thing is I tried reaching out to Aaliyah again, but I still haven't heard from her. At this point I feel like I'm just pestering her" I sighed, "And it sucks, because she's my best friend.. or was my best friend, and all because of one stupid fight she's been AWOL. I can't even show up at her doorstep and confront her because I don't know where she is" I complained, "Ugh, enough about my life, how's it going with you and Logan? Is my dad an alright roommate? I swear, Colby and I are working on getting him out of your hair" I joked, Cynthia grinning.

"He's been fine. I think he's enjoyed being around Harper more. I uh.. Logan and I have been meaning to talk to you about something though." Oh god, "Logan has been thinking about doing another year of the Military. Not on active duty, but helping the guys prepare and such, but um.. Harper and I would be following him, meaning we'd be moving out of California for who knows how long. It's just, it's a full time position and I can't go x amount of days without seeing him again" Cynthia's worried expression burned into my brain as my heart rate picked up, "Especially now that we have Harper"

"You're moving?" I questioned, Cynthia slowly nodding, before letting Harper down so the girls could go play at the tiny play spot in the mall. "I know I'm also moving.. but I just.. I don't know, there is something about finding out he's also moving that feels weird. At least it isn't active duty, right?" I sighed, running my hands through my hair. "Why hasn't he told me? I was on the phone with him last night.."

Logan and I try to call each other weekly at least and just catch up, why wouldn't he have mentioned something? How long has he known?

"You're his best friend, Leigh. He's afraid of breaking your heart. He almost didn't take it and thought about following you back to Minnesota" Cynthia confessed.

My heart dropped, "He was?"

"Yes, but then he got this opportunity and it made good pay and such.."

"No, no.. I get it.. it's just.... where is it?"

"Fort Knox, Kentucky"

"Oh. Well that's not too far..." I drifted before looking over at her, "Wait, did he try seeing if he could go to Fort Ripley? That's not tooooo far from Aunt Melissa's"

"All the spots are full. Don't think he didn't try to stay with you. I've never seen a closer sibling bond, I swear he'd leave me in a ditch if it meant protecting you" She laughed, "And that wasn't a dig. I love that about him. I love how close you are. You both need each other, and I love that you guys have each other. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you before we both chickened out and landed in Kentucky and had to figure out a way for you to think we were still in California"

Back at Cynthia's house, the girls and I helped carry in her bags worth of gifts, Nova greeting us at the front door, pulling on my heartstrings, especially since Gemma has been relentlessly asking for a dog, Colby and I's only defense being "The apartment doesn't allow pets" but I knew we were toast once we actually moved.

"Look at that dopey face" I cackled, cupping the rotty's face in my hands, "You're so damn cute" I cooed.

"Remember when she was a puppy? Now look at her" Cynthia laughed, handing a cup of juice to both of the greedy toddlers.

"I'd love to own a rotty, I just.. with two kids and planning to start college I can't imagine trying to puppy train until baby girl is done with her own potty training" I sighed, tossing a rope for the dog.

"Colby will be there to help. I swear you forget you guys are literally engaged. He's made a commitment to help" She laughed.

"He's always working. I can't juggle the house, two kids, working, college and a dog whilst he's gone working"

"But then they're home for an extended period of time, right? He'll especially be around to help with the baby"

"Speaking of the baby. Colby wants to name her Lennon, and I think I agree with him.. just.. we can't figure out a middle name. I swear this baby is coming into this world into complete and utter chaos"

"Lennon is a pretty name. Colby came up with that?"

"Right!? I was surprised too" my chuckle getting drowned out by laughter from the girls, both of them running through the house with some sort of light up, singing Disney wands. "No running through the house!" I yelled, "Someone's going to get hurt!"

"Girls, why don't you go play with Nova outside?" Cynthia shooed them out, both of us moving to the kitchen to keep an eye on them.

We sat at the kitchen table, watching the girls as I explained my frustrations with everything going on.

I mean honestly, was I bringing our daughter into this world with everything being a mess? I haven't even begun to think about what her nursery would look like, or gone through the few things I had kept from Gemma.

We haven't talked about baby showers, or middle names, or if we're co-sleeping, or bottle feeding...

My mind was racing and lagging all at the same time and all I wanted to do was cry.

Gemma and I ended up staying the night since Colby was back in Vegas with Sam, it did not take much to convince us since Logan and Cynthia promised to feed us and Gemma got to have story time with her Papa.

"Do you mind if I drink some wine?" Cynthia asked, a bottle in hand.

My head shook as I scrolled through my phone.

"I missed wine when I was pregnant" Cynthia sighed, plopping down in between Logan and I, a movie ready to be played whenever we were situated, my dad and the kids having gone to bed.

"I miss Deli meat" I snickered, hugging the blanket closer to my body. "I miss sandwiches and like my roll up snacks. I swear you crave the things you can't have when you're pregnant; it's so annoying. Thankfully, Colby doesn't eat them around me, so at least he's thoughtful like that" I chuckled, opening Colby and I's text messages.

Colby 💘: Are we spending Christmas in California? My parents have been asking if I'm making my way to Arizona for the holidays seen

Shit.

Um.

Every reply I tried to send, I ended up deleting, just staring at his message.

I knew we should. It was his family after all, and I've kept him away from them enough as it is.. but Arizona? With a toddler? And me being pregnant? I'm sure all the flights are taken too..

Do you want to?

Really Leighton? Out of all the possibilities you could've sent..

Colby 💘: You don't?

Aren't the Christmas flights taken?

Colby 💘: We could drive

That's what I was afraid of.

With a toddler? Remember last time?

Colby 💘: So no?

Motherfucker.

I groaned, feeling Logan's eyes on me as I sent a quick reply back.

Could they come here?

"What's wrong?" Logan asked.

"Colby wants to go to his family's for Christmas. Yes I know how that sounds" I grouched, "It's just.. 13 hours in the car when you're pregnant and your toddler doesn't like to sit still? It's going to be a nightmare. Let alone the traffic of everyone else traveling for the holidays. If he wanted to go, I wish he would've mentioned it sooner so we could've looked at flights for us or them"

"Some nightmare's are worth going through if it makes your husband happy" Cynthia piped up, ignoring my glare.

"Cynthia, zip it" I spoke through clenched teeth, Logan's head cocking.

"Oh? What kind of nightmares are those?" he asked, my head falling back with a groan.

Here we go.

Before I knew it, Cynthia and Logan were "arguing" - bickering more like it, but it seemed more serious. If it was Colby and I, we'd already be yelling.. or well.. I'd be yelling, but is that really an important detail?..

"I say just suck it up and go. Especially with how guilty you feel "dragging" him to Minnesota" Cynthia shrugged, placing her wine glass in the kitchen whilst Logan took Nova on a quick nightly walk.

"But 13 hours" I whined, "And then some. That's not counting pit stops for both me and the toddler"

"But it will make Colby happy"

"Will it? His future wife and his daughter complaining the whole time about how hungry they are, about how much they don't wanna be in the car anymore? How shitty they're feeling? Not to mention I don't really feel like playing fake happy wife who loves her partner's family when I'm trying to just get through this pregnancy. I'm truly so fucking done of everything hurting and she's even been kind to my bladder lately"

"I still say just do it. Especially since you don't see them that often"

Easier said than done. I don't see her looking like she's about to burst at the seams.

I snuggled in the blankets on their fairly comfy couch, my father having taken over the guest bedroom, opening Colby's texts back up.

Colby 💘: Not with their back pain

What about my back pain?

Colby 💘: I can look at possible flights later.

Colby 💘: Sam and I are going to start filming again

Colby 💘: Goodnight. I love you.

Uggggggh

We can go

I'm staying at Cynthia's tonight and we're heading to bed so goodnight I love you too. Be safe with Sam please.

That morning I woke up, immediately checking my phone only for my eyes to practically pop out of my head at my notifications.

Colby 💘: Thank you

Sam and I just got to the hotel I'm getting home around 2pm tomorrow fyi

Landon 🙄:

How long do you boil eggs for?

I keep fucking it up.

Finn and Xavier think I can't cook 🙄

Aaliyah ✨: Hey. I'm sorry for being MIA. Can we meet up and talk?

"Mornin' Momma! We make.. make pan..pancakes!" My darling daughter announced at an ear piercing volume.

"Gemma, inside voices" I groaned, stretching as I sat up, realizing just how badly I had to pee.

"Momma?"

"Yes honey"

"Coco didn't call" she pouted, her arms crossed over her chest.

"What?"

"Coco didn't call. Coco always calls when bye bye"

Oh.

"I'm sorry baby. Coco was busy talking to mommy about seeing his parents. We'll make sure he pays for forgetting, okay? Where's Papa?"

"Papa with Harper"

"Why don't you go join them whilst momma pees and then we can go eat your pancakes?" I suggested, shoving myself up off the couch.

"OKAY!" She yelled, already running off.

Kids have too much energy at all times of the day.

I opened Aaliyah's texts whilst I was peeing, my heart pounding as I replied, yet again constantly typing and deleting my message.

How do I calmly reply without making it awkward? Or like I'm overexcited?

Where would you like to meet?

I groaned at my reply, not only hating how "nonchalant" it felt, but also knowing that I now had to wait for a reply.

Colby called whilst we were eating breakfast, Gemma taking over the phone call as I helped Cynthia keep eggs and pancakes off the floor — much to Nova and my backs dismay.

Why does nobody talk about how much squats suck when you're pregnant? Cynthia ended up having to help me up a few times which was almost as equally embarrassing as it was wobbling and almost falling over.

Gemma gave Colby an earful about breaking his promise, Colby profusely apologizing, bribing Gemma with an ice cream date in exchange for an acceptance of apology, happily winning her over.

Colby had barely walked through the apartment door before he and Gemma were off on their way, abandoning me with my nerves as I got ready to meet up with Aaliyah.

I slipped on some maternity jeans, a flowy top and ran a brush through my long dark hair, pretending like I wasn't sweating buckets at just the thought of what she wants to talk about.

My fingers kept tapping the steering wheel as I drove, completely off beat to the music I put on as an attempt to distract myself.

I refused to allow myself to sit in my own nerves any longer, slamming my car door shut and swinging the coffee shop door open, the intense coffee ground smell smacking me in the face, slightly triggering my gag reflex.

Great.

With a grimace smile, I pushed my shoulders back and scanned the shop, not seeing anyone who remotely looked like Aaliyah.

I sent a quick text before ordering a pastry and finding a seat.

I guess I was going to have to sit in my nerves after all.

I couldn't get myself to sit still if it had to save my life. My fingers kept tapping against the table, or swiping through nonsense on my phone; the pastry quickly diminishing as I just sat here waiting.

She reached out, out of the blue, having ignored me for months... for what? To just chit chat? That is if she didn't stand me up first.

Colby texted, informing me that they had gotten back to the apartment, texting me a photo of Gemma's speech therapy games, asking which ones she was worse at, thankfully providing me a few minutes of distraction.

Every time the bell rang above the door, my eyes glanced up, hoping, only to be let down.

Was I seriously getting stood up? Was this her idea of a joke? A final fuck you?

With singed hope, I checked our texts one more time, hearing yet another bell ring, only to finally be greeted by a woman who vaguely looked like my once best friend.

"Hey.. you haven't changed at all." A soft, sad voice said, my brow pulling together.

Was that a compliment or an insult?

"Aaliyah?" I questioned, watching her nod, finally taking a seat across from me. "You look... different" I stumbled, trying to keep a straight face, knowing I was failing.

Her roots were dark, showing, not that that was a problem, it just was unlike her. I don't think I've ever seen her natural hair color show this much. Her blonde hair was long, appearing tousled. She's always been skinny, but she looked skinner, her baggy shirt appearing a size or two too big, rather than huge her form like it used to.

"I uh, how are you?" She asked, my face had to look bewildered as I stared back at her in shock.

"Me? How are you?! It's been what... forever?" I expressed, sitting up straighter in the chair, my hand covering my bump so it didn't hit the table, drawing her attention to it.

"You're very pregnant." She noted, "When are you due again?"

"April. What uh.. what have you been up to?" I asked, hating the way her shoulders fell.

"Nothing much. How are you and Colby? Still going strong?" She asked, her eyes telling me she didn't care and was just trying to be polite.

She all around lacked emotional presence. I felt like I was staring at a shell of my best friend, her eyes confirming my assumptions as the once shining gleam lacked their glimmer.

"Still engaged" I showed my left hand, wiggling my fingers, "Have you found anybody new?" I asked, Aaliyah shaking her head. "Where are you living now?"

"With a few roommates" She replied numbly.

"That's nice. Are they nice?" I asked, trying to brighten the mood a little bit; failing.

"It's fine"

"All girls?" I asked, Aaliyah nodding.

"That's nice. Where do you work then?"

She was quiet, chewing her lower lip, finally replying, "With my roomates"

"Oh. Interesting. What do you guys do? Is it like.. work pays for it or whatever? Or did you guys start a business together? Did you meet at work?" I tried to engage with her, wanting so desperately to be back in her life, but it felt like pulling teeth to get even an inch of slack from her.

"No I um.. well.. uh.. what are you doing for work?" She quickly changed the subject.

"Oh. I've been working in sales in a clothing and shoe store. Nicer pay, easier whilst pregnant, but uh, Colby and I were talking about moving, so I might put in my notice soon. Plus with the baby coming soon. A lot's been going on. Have you tried talking to River since you guys broke up? Any idea how he's doing?" I asked, fishing for anything to work with.

Her head shook.

"How's Gemma?" She switched again, a smile broadening on my face at the name of my daughter.

"She's good!" I grinned, "She's four now. Taller. Speaks more. Drives me nuts sometimes" I giggled, "She's indifferent about being a big sister. Some days she's excited, other days not so much"

"I'm sure she's forgotten about me" Aaliyah sighs, slouching back in the chair.

My head shook, "How could she forget her Lay Lay?" I tossed a sympathetic smile. "You're her godmother Aaliyah. She'll always remember you"

"Have you thought about who will be the godparent of this kid?" She questioned, surprising me.

"Haven't discussed it too much. I thought about asking Landon, or Sam. I don't know what Colby wants"

Aaliyah nodded, glancing around the place.

I sighed, "Why did you finally reach out, Aaliyah? I've tried for months. I hated how I treated you when we argued. I've wanted to apologize for ages, and you've just gone mute on me"

"Well.. I didn't have a phone for a while. I finally earned money to get another one" She showed me an older model IPhone. "I uh.. honestly? I wasn't in a good place to rehash everything with you. I needed to figure things out"

"And have you?" I asked, Aaliyah's head shaking.

"No, which is why I finally wanted to meet up with you. I.." she trailed off, "I just wanted to see how you are. If you're okay. How things have been. How Gemma is. How the pregnancy is going. Wanted to check in on someone who was once my best friend"

Ouch.

"Once was?" I whispered, my eyes starting to get glassy.

Was my best friend breaking up with me? Is that even a thing?

"I'm not good for you Leighton. You're thriving" that was a stretch, "and I just.. I just wanted to see it for myself. You have a future husband, children, an entire life ready for you. You know I'll always be there for you, but..." But? I felt warm tears start to fall down my face, Aaliyah looking away. "You're so much better off without me. Without me meddling. I just.. I think you've grown so much without me, and it's a good thing. It's a good thing that you've made so much progress in your own life. Just the way your face lights up when you talk about your daughter tells me that much" Her own tears fell, "I just wanted to make sure you were happy. That you were okay. You're still sober, right?" She asked, my head nodding. "See?" her voice cracked, "You're good without me, and I think it needs to stay that way"

I so desperately wanted to tell her just how wrong she was. How my life was still a mess, and how I was nowhere near ready to plan a wedding, or have a baby, but I couldn't help but focus on how it felt like she used me. She got me here with wishful thinking, knowing she had ill intentions. Who does that? Who reaches out, talks about reconnecting after months of no contact, only to practically break up with you?

"So that's what this was?" I sniffled, wiping at my face, "You met up with me, just to tell me you didn't want to be my friend anymore?"

"It's not that I don't want to. It's that I can't" She replied, adding salt to the wound.

"You can't? What does that even mean! I've tried so hard, Aaliyah! I know you think I'm selfish, and maybe I am, but I've tried too hard to reach out. To talk to you. To be there for you, and you just.. you can't be my friend anymore?"

"It's not safe for you to reach out, Leigh. You have an entire life going for you. We'll always have our memories, but... I needed to tell you in person that I can't do this anymore. Okay?"

Not safe?! What does that even mean!

"No! Not okay! What the hell, Aaliyah! You're scaring me. What's going on? What's wrong?"

"Leighton. Please" She quietly begged, my head shaking rapidly.

"No. I refuse to give up on you. You have no valid reason to not be my friend. I can respect your boundaries, but nothing about this feels right! Tell me what's going on, please" I begged.

If she wanted to cut ties, fine. If she no longer wanted to be connected to me, I could deal with that... but this... it felt like she had a gun to her head and needed to say what she needed to say to get out alive; it just didn't sit well with me.

"You're better off without me—" She tried again.

"Bullshit!" I interrupted, "All I've wanted is to be your friend. To be there for you. I don't care if that's you at your worst, or your best. If this is your worst, just tell me. Tell me how I can help. Is it your living situation? Do you need somewhere to stay? Because I have options Aaliyah. I have family more than willing to open their doors to you. I have a toddler at home who would love to see you. You can't just walk away for no reason. You've been there for me way more than I have for you, and when I finally get the chance to repay you just.. you what.. cut the goddamn cord? No." My head shook, my lips pursed as I refused whatever insane thing was going on right now. "What do you need from me? How can I help you? Clearly something is going on" I begged, hating how I was getting shoved away without a chance to fight for us.

I could tell she had made up her mind, I just wish I knew why.

Was it really all because of that stupid fight? or was it something more?

"You can't help me, Leighton"

"That's not true—" I interrupted, only for Aaliyah to interrupt me.

"I'm happy you're happy, Leighton. Truly. If anyone deserves it, it's you" She smiled softly, her hand reaching across the table for me, her touch burning with bittersweet memories.

The tears were flowing freely, my brain trying to catch up with what was going on right now, failing miserably.

"If I need you, I'll call you. Okay? Just.. let me do this. Please" She begged, my head nodding before I could stop it.

"I love you. Okay? Whatever you need. Just tell me" I begged her to promise, Aaliyah bending to hug me, whispering back that she loved me, and that she was happy for me, before walking away; right out of my life.

What the hell just happened?

I walked through my apartment door in shambles marching past Colby who was sat on the couch, laptop resting on his thighs, shutting our bedroom door behind me, undressing.

I felt dirty. Like my crystal clear lake was now a murky pond.

The entire drive home I tried to understand what I had done. Relaying every text I sent, every conversation we've had. How it got to this point. I simply didn't understand and I don't think I ever will.

All I know is I lost my best friend. The person who's been there for me through thick and thin... and the second she needed me like I needed her, she cut the tie.

I lost her before I could even try to fight for her and I had no clue what to do.

* * * * This chapters been "done" since January. I just wasn't happy with it and got writers block cus I didn't know how to fix it... and well.. now it's March uh..

If this book was a jenga tower, it's about to tumble 👀

Written on: December 21st 2023, January 4th, 7th, 8th, 10th, 14th, 22nd, March 6th 2024

Published: March 6th 2024

Word Count: 7210

Part Twenty Four

#colbybrock #colbybrockfanfiction #colbybrockimagine #colbybrockimagines #colbybrockoneshot #colbybrockoneshots #colbybrocksmut #samandcolby #samandcolbyfanficti #samandcolbyfanfiction #colbybrockwattpad #colbybrockblurb #samandcolbywriting

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bookofmirth · 3 years

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ok so this might come off as a bit rambly so please bear with me lol

i've noticed that the acotar fandom has this incessant need to be right when it comes to canon and it really sucks out the funness of fandom. shipping is supposed to be fun but when it comes to this fandom, it's almost like a competition to see who will be more right when the books come out. engaging with theories/predictions about characters and the plot is supposed to be exciting but when it comes to this fandom, some of the theories/predictions are problematic at worst and nonsensical at best. like how can you say with your full chest that you're so confident about where the series is heading in the future because of this or that theory when you're stuck in the past and refuse to see what all of the text is telling you in the present. it doesn't make sense. the selective reading is so strong that it has me looking sideways sometimes lol

i guess my question is why do you think the fandom is so divided when it comes to ships right now? i've seen people say this wasn't the case for feysand and nessian, so what's the difference here?

Oh boy Brielle, I have some thoughts on this. It's complex.

To be clear, I am not saying that this applies to literally every single person who ships a certain way. This is a commentary on the fandom as a whole, and there are always exceptions.

This got really, really long, so I'm putting it under the cut.

I think that one of the main draws of this series, and of sjm's writing in general, is her ships. I think that people get very, very attached to their ships.

I also think that sjm does NOT fully think through some of the choices that she makes when writing. See: the way that she takes from all these different cultures and mashes them together, which could be seen as disrespectful of their origin. She has retconned things, like Mor being queer and Lucien being Helion's son. I think that she thoroughly thinks about some of the aspects of her books, like Rhys's reaction to sleeping with Feyre for the first time, but then really half-asses other aspects of her books, like Mor coming out.

Then, we have your good old misogyny and homophobia - people in the fandom don't like Mor because she hurt the poor bat boy's feelings when she didn't sleep with him, and they don't have a mating bond, but she's never really told Azriel "no", and so every single moment of pain that Azriel has felt in 500 years is Morrigan's fault. And Mor's experience as a closeted queer woman who feels unsafe around the people she should trust the most is completely disregarded by the fandom.

Finally, I think that a combination of these factors has created the monster we know as e*riel, and that the fandom is perpetuating its own mythology.

What all of this comes down to, and the real reason I think that the fandom is behaving this way right now, is that e*riel is dead. It's never happened, it's not going to happen, but because we don't have the clear closure we got with moriel (where people would be accused of homophobia for continuing to ship it), people are still trying to figure out any possible way for e*riel to become canon, though every single sign points to it being a non-issue.

This weird thing where people have to be "right" all the time, and the way that "right" = "canon" is a relatively new development. It's as if everyone in this fandom forgot that they are in fact in a fandom, which inherently diverges from canon.

However, I think that the need to cling to canon is because the alternative would be to admit defeat and say "well, even if it doesn't happen I will still ship e*riel, it's fine, I will live with that." But they don't want to do that. In response, they look at canon so hard that they are reading the white space between the letters to create their theories, which as you noted as largely nonsensical and often fail to take into account who the characters are as individuals, how they are connected to other characters, and why it would or wouldn't be appropriate for them to be involved in various plots.

People could say, as eluciens having been saying since day one, "I really ship this thing but I can see that it might not become canon". But they don't say that. They literally refuse to see any other possibility than e*riel becoming canon.

You pointed out that people are stuck in the past - absolutely. The number of reimaginings I have seen of scenes where either Azriel or Elain has literally zero to do with the scene, but people try to shove one or both of them in there. And this from books ago. People are stuck on the Truthteller scene, and refuse to acknowledge that neither of them have acted on their feelings, whatever those might be, for years. And they ignore the fact that once Elain and Az do act, it goes horribly wrong.

Here are the facts as of right now:

ACOSF is the most recent book. In that book, sans extra chapter, those two had no interaction other than looking at one another.

If we include his POV, then he said it was wrong, we got confirmation that nothing has ever happened between them, she returned his necklace. Elain was aroused, but that does not mean she was ready to even have sex. "Yes" to a kiss is not "yes" to every single sexual act Az can think of. They parted on awkward, bad terms after a scene in which it seemed like they were about to start something. Yikes. Unlike Wings and Embers, they did not end that chapter still thinking of one another. After they part ways, the omniscient narrator does not mention Elain, or Az thinking about Elain, again.

His POV occurs months before the end of the book. They do not interact after that.

Elain has a mate she has not rejected, nor accepted.

So anyway, your question was why are people like this. lol. I think the fandom created a monster, and that monster is clinging to life. It can't accept the idea of morphing into a non-canon ship, though it never was canon in the first place. It had just convinced itself that it was.

There are other aspects to this, that have to do with gwynriel and elucien.

Gwynriel is a new ship, it's almost guaranteed to happen, people are super excited to ship it and give Gwyn all their love. I'm sure they would rather create content for that ship than argue about whether or not it's going to be canon, but they are in constant defense mode. Some people honestly didn't like e*riel before because they don't like Elain, or because they don't like Azriel, and those are valid reasons for not liking it. Why people ship gwynriel doesn't matter. The tone of the discussion is, unfortunately, being shaped elsewhere, which I will mention below.

Elucien is an old ship, older than e*riel. I can speak from this perspective - personally, I have been holding my tongue for 4.5 years. I have been letting people live, and just talking about the things I like. Then when acosf came out, it was like I could finally say all the things I had been thinking about Azriel, because I now had proof that the things I thought about his character (and because of that, about e*riel) now had solid canon foundation. This is 4.5 years of me holding in a lot of shit and finally being able to say it. Sometimes yes, I might take joy in having been right.

I think that a few people are clinging to canon, and that sets the tone for the discourse in the fandom. Someone says "according to page whatever, blah blah blah" and people feel the need to respond, and then it turns into and "I'm right" contest instead of... a fandom... A lot of us like debating. To me, it's fun. But when Person A starts a conversation that's about canon and it actually ignores canon, it's hard to let that conversation go by and just keep creating whatever we want to create. Instead, we respond, and so the tone of the conversation is shaped by what Person A decided to say.

I also think that there is a lack of distinction between theories (what will happen in the future) and meta (analysis of what we have now).

There is also a lack of "I" statements. Opinions are being stated as fact.

idk if there is a way to make it better, other than to just go back to ignoring one another. This whole situation makes me want to throw out every single canon ship I like and create exclusively non-canon content, just for spite. Except I really like doing meta, and so I don't want to. I guess for my point, I'll just keep doing meta, keep creating different content, and keep reminding people that they aren't here to continue perpetuating canon, but to play with it.

#ask #gimme-mor #acotar #antielriel #gwynriel #elucien #acotar fandom #fandom things #fandom history

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