#it's been a weird week at work for sure

[bookrat]

Pretty sure my little man has a case of abundism affecting the marble tabby coat under all those white splotches

#random pet post #it really is a weird coat pattern #I'm never sure if I should describe him accurately as a white marked tabby or as the first impression people get of a black and white cat #love his little backward C's #I got all my other pets around the same time and they've been dying off one by one this last year or so #I'm down to just this 4yo kit and Bruiser #actually I'm not done whispering in the tags #pretty soon it's just gonna be me and this terrible little man against the world #and he gives me such weird problems you cannot even begin to imagine #took to the leash and harness without a bit of difficulty but I can't take him anywhere cuz he freaks out about people 500ft away #really difficult to find sitters for him cuz he gets so stressed about changes and waits until 3am to SCREAM #he's 17 lbs and wants to sleep on my chest 14 hours a day #took him on a work trip a week or 2 ago cuz of aforementioned petsitting troubles and some kind of wire got crossed #so instead of stress peeing in my laundry basket he now humps the nearest blanket covered limb to alert me of problems #he got scared of his water dish recently and is only now starting to get over it after 3 weeks of drama #he knocked it over last night and humped my leg while I tried to sleep to try and convey to me that he was thirsty #I'm thinking of getting a second cat and just fucking hoping that it'll be normal and maybe Prompto can target it for some of his weirdness

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

#cats #holiday #OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few #days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below) #My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart #rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart #so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag #and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day #last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few #hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent #ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect #because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make #me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these #'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a #few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is #getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better #and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo #I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm.. #pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c #Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after #like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread... #I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was #doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally #ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully #whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos #ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever. #And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely #though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart #stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive #things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***

[puppyeared]

for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........

#MOTHER FFFFUCKER #to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants #im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night #at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn #to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS #the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori #but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey #consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!! #just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick #outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to #animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better #at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH #i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc #im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over #where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands #there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE #ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles #but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your #health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!! #im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves #also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet #im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to #have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to #to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up #their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ #yapping

[getvalentined]

Thinking about finally throwing all my FF7 meta analysis and lore deep dive stuff onto a sideblog. It'd be reblogged from here, but I'd be able to organize it a little better, have a directory so people could find things more easily, and maybe it'd stop people from regurgitating things I say word-for-word for brownie points when they can just find and reblog the fucking original post(s).

#fandom vent #this happens WAY more often than I talk about #like constantly #not daily #but if I put up a ramble #there will always be 2-3 people on the twits or here #who immediately start saying the same thing #in the same words #acting like they're the ones that did the analysis #and it's really frustrating #y'all know I actually do research on this shit? #I check my sources #I review the source material #I get alternate translations to be sure #I read real-life research journals for scientific stuff #I research dates and real-world events and natural phenomena and religious history etc etc etc #it's not just 'nashi writes 2k words of bullshit and hits POST' #I do actual research for my analyses and my deep dives #I cite my sources whenever possible #I don't LINK all the time because that can kick a post from the tags #but I don't just make shit up #so people grabbing it and running with it as if they were the ones that did the work to figure it out #is super disheartening #my current big research project is figuring out if Reeve's surname #is actually rooted in Gaelic #because it's such a weird name #and it's possible that it's not spelled right #because it may be Gaelic #this is a theory that has not panned out yet #but I've been researching it on and off for weeks

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#had an interesting conversation with my sister the other day. odd i guess bc my sister is pretty smart #on paper shes smarter than me. or at least less dyslexic than me #but she didnt seem to kno what cancer is. i mean like how it works. i mean. cancer is a mistake. a confluence of unfortunate accidents #leading to unrestrained cellular growth. when it metastasizes. when it moves to other parts of the body. those same cells continue growing #if u have smooth muscle cancer and it moves to your kidney. you body is trying to grow more smooth muscle on your kidney #at least as i understand it. and she asked why it wants to kill you. it doesnt want anything. it just is. its not a thing of malicious #intent. its neutral. it grows. it takes up resources. it takes up space. and it grows and grows until the organ it grows on stops #functioning properly. like a parasite she said. but no. not like a parasite. it grows like an empty space. a mass of flesh. a constant #obstructive pressure. it grows like only a tumor can. i dunno. it didnt seem to connect with her that this thing didnt want to kill our mom #but it did anyway. and she felt weird about how long she lived after they took her off any support. but thats how cancer kills #it stops an organ from functioning and most of those r important so it only takes one. so her heart kept beating for 12 more hrs bc it was #meant to beat for 40 more years. but not much it could do without working kidneys and without working blood #but that's life. that's death. that's nature. its all nutral even if it feels horrible to the individual. #i dunno. i thought it was interesting. shes 25 and her mother had cancer for 10 years so id think shed kno more #we're at a weird phase now bc its been a week since she died and everything feels normal. we'll see what happens at the wake this week #its been interesting for sure bc she was sick for 10 years but my parents didnt prepare at all for her to die #so my dad is scrambling to put together the pieces shr left behind to make sure that all the bills r paid and whatnot. he had to guess her #computer password. she didnt tell us what she wanted us to have. she didnt tell us the importance of her jewelry and who it belonged to #before her. i dunno. we're seeing the outline of my mothers Pathology in what she left behind. both in the physical objects and in the #feelings she imparted. i dunno. its been weird #unrelated

[creaturefeaster]

I haven't made a poll yet since the feature came out, figured I might as well put it to use while I have this question in mind :3...

#rawhide (the one with tyv vs leon) is not one i will be working on anymore btw #i cannot use the audio so it is not worth working on #there are minor anims like chings or redes or rachels i know that but they were never boarded with intent to finish #i feel like there is one or two i am forgetting. #anyway i have been surprise surprise very busy the last few weeks #but the next free chance i get i wanna polish or extend a board if i can #i dont expect a lot of votes on this so be sure you pick the one you really want #ur vote could easily sway the tides #as a final note. i feel weird making this poll abt my own art idk why. but i am doing it anyway bc i am half awake with nothing to lose....

[famewolf]

my brain has been really out of whack recently (I think it's the time change among other things) so I'm going to try out some things to see if they help

I might not be on social media a whole lot in the next week or two, but if you're mutuals and want my discord, send me a message

#[static] #I cleared out my queue so I don't feel like I need to keep it going #I'm trying to limit my time on my phone since I've noticed that I've been getting sucked back into it for Hours every day which I *hate* #it's this weird paradox of wanting to keep up with my friends but also knowing that I get sucked into checking the rest of the app - #- that I need to figure out #tumblr is one of the few social medias that I don't get that sucked into but i do like to keep up to date with #for news and friends reasons #but im gonna basically not be using my phone at all except for music for the next while until my brain feels better #it's also the busiest week of the year in my line of work so i want to be sure im taking care of myself #my brain fog has been suuuper bad and being on my phone makes it worse #i wish we all lived closer so that i could just go hang out with ppl instead of being attached to my dumb phone #using phone = less time to do things i like too which also makes me mad when I do it #i dont even like my phone bro ... but tiktok gets me tbh i'll sit on my phone for like 2 hours straight just watching funny little videos

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Saying you can host Thanksgiving when you're the planner in your relationship and you work in a retail-adjacent career is really just digging your own grave.

#i did this to myself #my partner is southern-ish (don't tell him i said ish but he's from virginia it hardly counts his mom is from south carolina though) #and he's got the whole hospitality thing and he loves hosting stuff #so i was like yeah sure we can do thanksgiving here #because i want to make sure he feels like moving to my small hometown was worth it right #but also i forgot that he just is NOT good at planning things #which is weird because he is a project manager so it's all he does all day #also i've been sick for like 5 days now? so i didn't even pick up on the lack of a solid plan until today #i don't have time for this #it feels like i've been in meetings for two weeks getting everything for work set up #and now i also have to plan out this menu 2 days before the actual holiday because no one knows what's going on #listen he TRIES to do the planning he really does but he gets too excited and things spiral lol #personal

[autogeneity]

attempting going to bed at 9pm (or earlier! technically. for falling asleep time) feels so ridiculous. like some sort of joke. and yet. purportedly this is what getting up at 5am would demand. is this really something people do wtf

#m #people commonly do get up at like 5 or 6 to go to work and shit right #hell if I were going to the office I would have to as well #do they actually really truly go to bed at fucking 8:30. surely that is insane #kids don't even do that I don't think #also even if I only directly require this twice a week #I probably gotta do it every day because there's no way in hell I am successfully sleeping at 9pm if I woke up at 9am lmao #well I can get away with 5:30ish but I usually snooze for at least half an hour lol so... #my first alarm for when I get up at 9am (aiming for 8:30) is 7:48 #my first alarm for probably 5:30 is 4:48 #so my alarm clock tells me it's time to go to bed at 20:30 and I am like bruhhh #today I probably could and should since last night bedtime was 4am #but it still feels weird as hell like it's unreasonably early #I'm still buying dinners so it is theoretically possible. it would not otherwise be #and yet idk man #just a few weeks ago at 20:30 THE SUN WOULD'VE STILL BEEN UP #even now sunset is like 8pm. you want me to sleep an hour after sunset. this is silly! it's barely dusk!

[mildmayfoxe]

ok so the current stats at work are that after about three weeks of being in the hospital my boss's mom died. this is why i've been putting off quitting bc truly awful thing to have happened to anybody. really really horrible. however my favorite coworker put in her notice last week because she got a new job and i just got a text from another coworker that they're putting in their notice today. everyone is fucking dropping like flies. thats half of the core warehouse crew gone since our staff is so fucking small. i was thinking of putting in my notice on friday because i've GOTTA escape but my boss's mom's funeral is tomorrow. UHHH?????

#HELP ! #i've been trying to avoid talking about what happened bc it's not my fucking business to spread aroudn but it's added context for why #everything's so fucking weird at work rn & why i've put off quitting for the past month. #remember when i wanted to quit originally at the beginning of august and my boss's cousin was in the hospital & i was like #'hm better wait' and by the next week her MOM was in the hospital?? shoulda just quit the first time!! #anyway it's a TRICKY SITUATION i think i might just have to put in my notice on friday because unless for some reason i get offered a raise #(not gonna happen) i have to make sure i'm out with everyone else so i don't have to be part of the aftermath #chatpost #work tag #i'll be honest i'm stressed about how work is going to be today since my coworker is putting in their notice before going in. LMAO!

[okcoolthanks]

Gotosleepgotosleepgotoskeepgogoeepgotoeepgotosleepgotoeepgotosleepgotosleepgotosleepgotosleepgotosleepgotosleepgotosleepgotosleepgotosleepgotosleep

#I feel weird #my brain is actigg by different #I haven’t worked on hbd in almost two weeks it’s just little side projects #like yeah they’re fun but I have to finish this #I just I can’t I’m pretty sure it’s an adhd thing and I know that’s stupid to say but I can’t finish pages for some reason #I know I have to push past it but I can’t like I’m really trying but all I can do is like a small part of a background and everything is in #that inbetween part where is almost done but it still needs a good amount of work and idk #god this sucks #I’ve been working on it for about half a year now?? maybe more????? most likely more #I’m just not tired idk what to say #I mean I am tired but I can’t #I don’t know #goodnight #hopefully

[bmpmp3]

I NEEED to go back to making art that makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that theres something wrong with my brain BUT NOT in a cool or stylishly interesting way. i need to do it in a way that makes people say "hm." and walk away

#sowwy ive been kinda going through it in my fine arts major rn can u tell HJKSDHKFd #ive been feeling like. scared. and paralyzed by marketability and branding. #i cant stop thinking about how other people will see my art. but not like in a good way #when i was younger i thought about it in a good way. like hee hee hoo hoo the act of looking connected us hee hee #but rn i keep thinking about it in like this wretched like consumer product mindset? ouhhghhhhh el problema es el capitalismo #and like maybe this works for some people. to think like this. to make art like this. its what my professors push me towards #not intentionally. they dont say it out loud at least. im not sure if they know or not some of the irony #my professors are nice and pretty smart and talented and i like em. but sometimes i wonder like. the push for us as students to make like #marketable 'avant garde'? stuff thats safe but pretending to be weird and out there #i dont mean to sound pretentious. in general i play it too safe myself (spent too much time as an edgy 10 year old with my #parents freaking out over my shoulder because they think the fact that i drew an anime character frowning means something serious LOL) #but i dunno man. my least interesting art with the least amount of care thought or effort always gets so much more attention in school #nowhere else oddly. online? people like my more passionate but seemingly frivolous art (oc art etc. not frivolous to me but yknow how it is #same with irl artists and other industry people outside my school. whats going on in my school LOL #i know from experience i cant push myself into a supposedly marketable brand. if i try to make something sell it will not. #i dont know why. maybe theres an invisible essence buyers can tell when i didnt care jkfsldjdfrds #but my teachers LOOOOVE the stuff i put no passion in its so bizarre orz but i gotta relearn how to ignore half of their advice #i used to be better at it. but i also only used to ignore like a quarter of their advice. maybe i need to amp up how much im ignoring #that sounds mean. they have plenty of good advice. but also plenty of advice thats clouded by their own biases #and i gotta relearn how to sort out this stuff again. i forget every few months for some reason #you know i always think ouuhhhhh i act so neurotypical ouhhhhhhhhh im outgoing i talk to strangers all the time i seem confident #im so masked IM SO MASKED but then i go a couple weeks where every conversation i have has people looking at me like #i have two heads and neither of them are speaking their language. and then i descend into madness like this HJKLDSHJDS #i'll be fine i'll figure it out. i need to stop trying to get a good grade in being a 'cutting edge' conventional artist <3 #i need to just. draw my cartoon characters in peace 😔😔😔

[icewindandboringhorror]

sneepy cozy....

#cats #(medical stuff mention for tags) #poasting confortable image of boye for peace and serenity and such forthe #I have little weird episodes sometimes where I get shaky (but like violently like 'would spill a drink if you were holding it beacuse #your hands are moving so much' type shaky) and weird and sick feeling but usually it passes in an hour or less. but last night I just #literally couldnt sleep I was shaking so much and my heartrate was up a ton and wouldn't go down even after like 6 hours plus super nausea #so I went to the hospital and now shall wear a heart monitor for a week. which hopefully it's just some weird drastic low blood sugar #event or something and there's nothing actually going on. ekg + ct scan for blod clots + virus panel + almost all of the blood work seems #normal so... aa....... #Though me being so privacy focused hrggh... I basically have a constantly bluetooth connected device around me #since the monitor comes with a cell phone that is constantly transmitting data to the place. which they said they'll call you #if they see anything weird which is also scary. random phone calls... but definitely better than letting an issue go unadressed lol #the phone is also not meant to be more than 10 feet away from the monitor at any time so I put on this old tactical fishing #vest thing thats like navy green with 100 pockets and im just using one of the giant pocketson the side as a phone holder #my enormous silly vest just to keep one little phone #ANYWAY... because I got up early the morning before and didn't sleep at all and spent nearly all day in waiting rooms and such #I have been awake for like 32 hours striaght. which I'm sure also does not help with an elevated heartrate lol #feeling shrimp emotions or whatever people talk about unlocking at a certain level of stress and sleep deprivation #and also no food or water. after a while they brought me like 3 saltines and some ice water but I basically also haven't eaten since 3am #last night and it's 2pm now.. #thus............ bapy............. baby boye....... he will help ease all ailments with his baby powers... #And no I dont drink energy drinks or anything with caffiene really I'm afraid of all substances on the planet essentially #My body just likes to become shaky and weird randomly even when I'm not conciously anxious about anything/have had no caffiene/etc #and I guess I'm always more nervous about getting anything heart related checked out because of my arm/shoulder/chest area injury stuff #... i literally have constant chest pain all the time. it moves around but i nearly always have some sort of pain or pressure in my chest #so when people are like 'oh well a little weird heartrate is fine but watch out if you have pain!' it's like... i always do lol.. how am I #supposed to tell the Bad Pain apart from the Always Pain when the descriptions of Bad Pain are very very similar #AAAANYway.... hrghh... i wanted to be very productive and finally post drafts and wrok on things today. but alas.. #I can at least post small image of soft boye.. though he recently got into stuff in the bathroom whilst left #alone and knocked things into the toilet.. So perhaps not an innocent and NICE boy.. but still.. a soft one .. beautfile....

[lucalicatteart]

Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 10: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression

(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)

Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should join the travelers on the larger river boat for a short lunch ...

~

"Before he even fully musters the courage to shout a 'hello', the large group on the boat initiates contact first, gleefully waving at him, whooping and shouting as they near his tiny raft in the water. Apparently, some of them were betting over whether they'd actually find any other travelers out on the river today.. He fumbles over his words a bit, as always, but somehow manages to successfully get himself invited onto their boat for a quick lunch..

After safely securing his raft to the side of the boat with some spare rope, he climbs aboard, stumbling into the excitement of some sort of celebration. A few of them explain that they're traveling for 'kahesallei', an old elven holiday recently re-popularized in some of the larger cities nearby. Whatever it's true meaning and origins used to be, the current significance (at least to those within the city walls) seems to just be mindless feasting, drinking, and gaudy decor. Most of the traveling group are strangers to each other, only brought together by catching a ride on the same tour/party boat, but the mood is light, quite friendly between them, and perhaps a bit drunk.

While the boat itself is relatively plain wood, it's been strewn with gold and orange banners, flags, shimmery tassels, beads, and bushels of dark green ivy braided with fresh herbs and wildflowers. There are flat round tables of food and drink, plenty of cushions to lounge on, and one random guy perched precariously on the edge railing of the boat, gently strumming a lute for background music..

The elderly ship captain hobbles over to The Adventurer, sternly explaining that, no matter what the 'silly' passengers say, he's only allowed to stay for an hour because he didn't pay for a boat ride ticket, and thus really shouldn't even be allowed on board. By the time The Adventurer has mentally processed this information, the captain has already returned to his little steering room, slamming the door shut with a displeased grunt.. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to confront him or question the rules...... But! Hey, at least he has one hour at the party.. How should he spend his time? "

~

Additional Information

the adventurer's current main goal: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has

#paventure posting #polls #poll #choose your own adventure #LATE AGAIn I know.. I'm still in my weird unproductive spell. literally I've had the same 5 to do list items on my list #for 2 weeks now. I can't even do five simple things in 2 weeks lol. I did start some new supplements and change my diet since #my doctors are still trying to sort out what health issues are going on or etc. so maybe it's something with that #like accidentally on the new diet I'm not getting enough calories or not getting enough of some vitamin or something so it's made me oddly #brain foggy and just really tired and unable to focus well for the past few weeks or something..? ANYWYA. not really sure what #it is specifically but my functioning in terms of actually focusing on and completing tasks has been a lot worse . thus #chronically behind on things. which I am always chronically behind on things in some sense since I always have like 7000 projects #I'm working on at the same exact time and etc. lol. but like.. even more chronically behind than usual .. ToT #ANYWAY.. I'm suprised that the 'try to get a ride on the boat' option didn't get that many votes actually lol #Like.. treveling down a river in a tiny handmade raft is probably.. not extremely safe or efficient lol #But at least he gets to have lunch there. Just the hour that he's on the boat doing whatever will get him a lot further because the boat #is moving faster than his raft would be. It should still get him out of the river and back on track sooner. Because he still has a long way #to go to get to the abandoned castle. I know it's been a lot of days since I'm not keeping up well with actually doing these #daily or every other day - but technically in the story it's only been a little over a day since he left the Inn #The first day he just walked. the second day he saw there was a barrier in his path. then spent half the day building a boat. and now he'e #*he's where he is now. The trip is roughly 4 days and he's like.. a little over halfway through his second. Not counting any detours or #distractions he might run into. But at least at this pace he should be off the river before it starts to get dark #Thate the main thing. you want to get a good rest on solid ground. ideally. So long as nothing strange happens on the boat #but yeah! day 10.. of little elf man adventure... ALSO he is like early 20s I imagine. so he can drink hbhjbjh #I know the 'very quick simple ms paint style' is kind of chibi-ish so it makes people look young but he's not a boy #don't worry. I didnt want it to seem weird like some 10 year old kid walking into a party of drunk 30 year olds #like a toddler hanging out in a night club or whatever. It's safe and okay for him to be there. just for the record. lol #I mean maybe not SAFE safe. it's still a boat of like.. rowdy party goers who could easily fall over the edge into the water or whatever bu #but like.. safe in the sense that he's not a 6 year old being offered vodka by strangers at a party. etc. #despite his goofy nervous demeanor and chronic baby face syndrome he is indeed an actual adult somehow ghbj

[neverendingford]

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#tag talk #fuck. I might just be a straight woman. #like. I like men. and the more I transition the more I vibe with binary womanhood. #sure I don't like getting shoved into restrictive femininity. but I vibe with womanhood as separate from femininity. #anyway. I might be straight. and In ten years it's very possible that being trans becomes a much less huge part of my life #because it will stop being something that I do and something that I wish for and simply something that I am #yeah yeah whatever hi my name is Reggie and I like men #I just. as much as I don't like certain restrictive gender roles I find myself slotting very comfortably into others #and I realize that my idea of gender and their roles was very much shaped by my female role models growing up #and a lot of the disconnect and distress when growing up was due to not being able to follow the path everyone else did. #all my girl friends were growing up into women and I was stuck on the man track. #and being gay was the closest I could get to being myself #but I'm closer than I've ever been before to being able to live my truth as myself #still not gonna shave my legs unless it's sometime in the future for a very specific event. #I like them fuzzy. they make me feel cool. #I like having some cultural masculinity still. I just don't want to be defined by it #talking about my binary trans experience is always a little weird because I'm aware of how binary I'm describing things #and I get that if my words were used to describe someone else's experience it might end up sounding hella transphobic #but these words are for me. they're my experience. they're my life not someone else's. #and this is how my identity works. #it's like how feminism protects the right of trad wives to be trad wives. #we just gotta recognize that just because one woman wants to be the designated dishwasher not every woman feels that way. #anyway. I might be dating a guy by this time next week. he's cool so far and we kinda got match-made by a mutual friend #we watched Redline tonight and it's hella good #he's really cool but I feel like I've got something to provide and to bring to the relationship. so we're still on peer-level I think. #which is new. usually I'm way ahead of the other person. maybe my fault for fishing in the bad fish barrel #the emotionally damaged and burdened fish barrel.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated