#it's fadcinating that you can know something is Wrong and yet still firmly believe in it with all your soul

[uncanny-tranny]

I often see this impulse from other trans men* that involves hypervigilance of being one of the "good men" who set ourselves apart from the men who hurt others, and I wonder if this ultra-policing actually prevents us from being "bad"

I wonder if agonizing about doing everything "right" is only contributing to poor mental health of trans men* because you are seeing a distorted, monstrous version of yourself, somebody with whom you have to kill off. It forces you into this space of having to be perfect, to beat yourself up over any perceived infraction.

And I just don't think it's an effective measure to ensure we are "one of the good ones." Constantly treating yourself as the beast, treating yourself like a leper who has no place in the civilized world? How does that ensure that you both treat others well but also ensure that you aren't fucking miserable every single moment you're not alone?

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #nonbinary #i'm still trying to be More Normal arpund others because i still to this day immediately treat my manhood... #...like a slight. i can feel the way people stare when i am over-apologizing and they're assuring me to my face that i am /fine/... #...i accidentally touched a coworker and i could feel her amusement that i wouldn't accept her acceptance of my three+ apologies... #..i've heard so much about how Awful men are and i carry around this impulse both to protect my manhood but to also apologize that it exist #and that internal shame and isolation doesn't contribute positively because you aren't focused on action if that makes sense #you're so focused on not rocking the boat that your feet grow roots in the ground that prevent you from moving forward #and that feeling of being Stuck is honestly scary and isolating and there's a lot of self-hatred in that (at least in my experience) #because i KNOW what i believe about my manhood is wrong and yet... i often still believe it #it's fadcinating that you can know something is Wrong and yet still firmly believe in it with all your soul #why do i always make these thpe of posts while playing skyrim. damn you todd howard (lighthearted)