#its fixed now. i think. i cant tell

[when-sanpape-arts]

some dunmeshi restaurant au doodles

#dungeon meshi #laios touden #chilchuck tims #kabru dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #illustration #artists on tumblr #fanart #reupload cause my deuteranomaly rlly popped out in the last version #whoever pointed out that i made them green accidentally i owe u my life #its fixed now. i think. i cant tell

[spotsupstuff]

I feel so bad for zephyr, what are some of her happiest memories? Would it be first meeting the members of her local group? I assume they would be built after her, was she excited about them being built or was she not informed at all?

she wouldn't be very... Present. most likely hadn't managed to be there for every Iterator when they first came online. she is very removed from most of her group because she's unable to stick in the chats for too long with all the damage and her endless attempts to conserve herself as much as possible, so her interactions with others outside of the Anemoi (and this one guy called Orion's Pathway) are extremely limited

Boreas, though, ever the life-saver, updates her on any new Iterator projects being build, how are the already existing ones doing- see she is kind of hard to cheer up and as a rule she never really laughs, but oh hearing about successes of others always manages to make her happy. that has been a thing for her since day one!

so Boreas would make a list of the Eo group's achievements with Euros and Orion's help and he'd read them out for her during their routine calls. those calls are probably one of her happiest memories, since she got so much serotonin and motivation out of hearing about her family (n also just in general- their start might've been rocky but Zeph n B really really love each other [platonically ofc])

they might not Know her, only be aware that their senior is called Abet Zephyr and her appearances are strangely rare, but she loves them all. if she hadn't, it wouldn't be called Mission Self-preservation. it'd be way more revenge focused. her number one priority is the safety of her family even if she doesn't know them personally. she puts them above her anger, physical and emotional trauma cuz she just fuckin loves them that much

her other happy memories include some stuff with Sparrows! after Zephyr allows her opinion about the Ancients develop, she finds herself glad whenever Sparrows would show up to do some more repairs and spend some time with the old humidifier. jgklsdmclk just like with a grandma, Sparrows would show her some stuff on her phone/Mechanic's watch and Zeph would be confused about it but she gets to spend the time with someone she likes so it's okay

along with Euros on a call the three of them would sing folk songs from Sparrows' home with Boreas usually listening in, very rarely joining in

Zephyr wasn't given overseers until Sparrows showed up for the first time, too, so when she synced with the eyes and took a peak outside for the first time in her life, that was... that stuck with her as a strong memory, too. can't exactly say it was a Happy memory, but only cuz there was so much happening in her emotionally in that moment that simplifying it to a singular one wouldn't really represent it right

here's her lighting up while Boreas tells her about positive recent events of the group

her antennas are broken- that's why they are always down like that- but Dammit she is Happy we Gotta wiggle 'em at least a wee bit

#Spot says stuff #rw #oc tag #oc: abet zephyr #Sparrows kinda sucks with the organical aspects of the iterators but she did her best to fix up Zephyrs spine too! #so having That portion of the pains elevated at least a little was also a great moment for her. it still sometimes give up n stops working- #-n it hurts again but thanks to that effort from Sparru its at least not a constant thing anymore #every time i think about off the string au with the eo group i think about boreas n zephyr finding each other and then boreas helps her get #-to everyone else to an agreed upon meeting point and then all the Anemoi see each other and euros notos n haboob then run at them and- #-hug the two fiercely.. and zephyr Actually starts laughing and doing her best to hug them all back- shes all clumsy about it but trying- #-So hard. and then she puts her hands on euros' shoulders and fully excited tells him 'euros- oh-! now that we are here free like this you- #-really have to teach me how to dance and play! you know..? just like Sparrows and her family used to!" #and for a second he pauses cuz oh that Hurts to remember they are gone but then he puts a hand over one of hers and with a little shaky- #-voice- but Warm so happy- he tells her ''y-yeah.. yeah of course i will- gods... i cant believe you still remember them.....' n he hangs- #-his head n all that... and zeph smiles n presses her forehead against his head n whispers to him 'of course i do. they were family.'

[carcarrot]

ok thats it i literally need a new job now .

#i know i bitch and moan a lot abt my job. but not without good reason! #however i really want to get out of here now today. #fucking. supervisor who keeps telling me to do more as far as maintaining the coffee area #when 90% of the issues are actually fault of the dumbass stock traders we make coffee for who dont know how to make a cup of coffee #and cant clean up after themselves. and i get that its my job but this is also just fucking stupid #and normally she tells me this stuff in the area where i brew the coffee which is more or less away from people #its at least more away from people than the hallway where the coffee station is where people always are #which is where she chose to loudly tell me more things i should be doing #maybe don't fucking do that in front of the people i do this stuff for! now they think im a fucking idiot! #like that's just. idk kind of unprofessional to me like you don't lecture your employees in front of customers #if we're so concerned abt the appearance and image of the service we provide (which this place is concerned way too much with) #then idk maybe talking abt that kind of stuff should be done more privately. or at least quietly #like she wasnt yelling at me but like everyone around could clearly hear it #but like ive said before i cant standddddd this job anymore. #so i might apply for that store leader job at gregorys coffee #even though the work culture there seems like a different kind of annoying #id at least be making Much More and also closer to where i live so #i just have to fix up my resume and make it seem like i can handle more of a management kinda job

[woohooincoffin]

Solas says I know a place and takes you to the middle of a swamp where he insults your culture, religious beliefs, and then dumps you.

#yeah im still thinking about this and its the next day #he might be telling the truth about the Vallaslin but my inquisitor did not let him remove it #I’ve played her as very proud to be dalish and believes in elven gods so it would be out of character even if solas says something else #maybe that’s what it represented then but it is not what it is now and she chooses to move forward #about the breakup … this is not the first time a man takes me on a date and dumps me 😭😭 but hey um wtf #honestly my lavellan does love him and is hurt but she has to be so many things to so many different people #there’s bigger things at stake and bigger problem to deal with at this time than whatever he's hiding or lying about #im pretty sure he was going to say something else not about the vallaslin #but his fear is dying alone becasue i saw it in the fade and yet !!!! he pushes everyone away he picks fights with everyone no matter whos #in the party he didnt come to the wicked grace game he never opens up beyond what he has seen in the fade. he is a fixed point #i wanna shake him by the shoulders and YELL WHATA RE YOU DOING you could have it all someone who loves you and a wonderf #a wonderful found family. he is kind and gentle but he is also so full of ANGER and he is so set on things being as he sees them. #Cole cant change because to Solas cole is always a spirit. the dalish are misguided and YOU Lavellan are just different YOURE special #the meaning of the vallaslin cant change because to him it represents slavery and it is in stone to him. things dont change with time they #are fixed. like things in the fade it what it was preserved. he is trying to hold on to a past that doesnt exist that has moved forward. #Solas says you cant change yourself by wishing. but i would say wishing for change is THE required prerequisite for change. a little though #a little idea a little wish that something was different better. but to #why cant you move forward Solas what the fuck are you holding onto so intesely #OKAY WHATEVER IM DONE WITH THIS ESSAY IM OVER IT ITS FINE ITS SO FINE

[sonknuxadow]

i think some people are setting their expectations wayyyy too high for what shadow will be written like now. "the mandates are COMPLETELY gone shadow is fixed now guys!!" no theyre not literally all they said is that the rules have changed a little. like dont get me wrong thats good news too but a lot of people are exaggerating and setting themselves up for disappointment in my opinion

#also i dont really like how people talk about The Mandates tm as if theyre this evil force looming over the comics #thats only affecting how shadow is written and literally nothing else so we need to lift all of them now to fix the sonic franchise #when in reality its a set of rules and restrictions that sega has for how people should handle their characters #which isnt inherently unreasonable. especially considering the reason they started getting more strict with this stuff #and why theyre monitoring idw sonic so closely #(hint its because of archie sonic. go read every single issue ken penders wrote #and come back and tell me if you still think its a good idea for sega to allow complete creative freedom with no rules at all) #likes YES some of the rules are stupid especially the ones about shadow but sega having rules for their characters isnt inherently bad #and undoing all of them isnt the perfect solution here. #again pre reboot archie sonic shows perfectly what can happen when people can do whatever they want with the characters #with no input from sega #also some of the rules arent even like. bad? #like the no romance rule is awesome. love that. and the rule that game characters cant be killed off makes perfect sense to me #idk

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation? #uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made #friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go #bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple #the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula #for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b #concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown #its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a #healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take #more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end #of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me #and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this #project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data #bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i #just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem #bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping #ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and #classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die #my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday #who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio #majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes #b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative #ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week #until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad #who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we #die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him #its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of #sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol #whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄 #unrelated

[puzzlekinq]

cant sleep because im seething with anger

#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel #if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins #basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating #off topic but yeah #i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around #idk. whatever #why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years #but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol #all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic #and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her #because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15 #maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life #but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me #every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight #it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred #and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes #*life

[calamarispider]

.

#did i even matter to you? did i ever? do i still? if you see this #you should let me know. i hate the thought that i was nothing at all #even though you hate me. i dont hate you. i really dont. it just feels bad. you just make me feel bad #and upset. i wish things could have gone better #it was inevitable though. and im being dramatic. theres no way to fix this. no way to resolve things #not that i can think of at least #i just wish i could have *some* resolution. an update or something. maybe im just too curious about things that hurt #you probably just talk shit about me. if you talk about me at all #i cant watch videos i used to love. i cant listen to songs i enjoyed. pages of sketches are nothing but a reminder. #ive experienced worse since. but this is the thing that stuck. probably because i was younger? that would make sense #i dont know if you ever cared about me... not really. did you know #every relationship ive been in. the other person has shut me out. avoidance or forgetfulness or attempts at isolation.... im not sure why #its a pattern though. which means it must have something to do with me. im the unchanging variable.you dislike me.or at least i think you do #so surely you can tell me bluntly? #im speaking to air right now. you wont read this. you have no reason to #calamarispeaks #vent #i guess. its more of a letter to someone who will never respond

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#fucking swear i hate my dad so much #I'll never forgive him for how he was when i was a child #and right when i was starting to see him as a decent dude #he goes and acts like a child #youre 54 years old and raising your voice at me when i did nothing wrong #his stupid ass was the one who cut the pvc pipe and he thinks me telling him how to properly fix it is me criticizing him #and i told him you want me to criticize you ? fine. why were you cutting below the water lines to the washer? #theres clearly an opening showing the pvc pipe and you were the one who cut there still knowing it was there so why did you do it ? #you want me to criticize ill fucking criticize #all he has to say while screaming at me like im the one who created the problem saying shut the fuck up an go to sleep i dont want you here #he gives a stupid bullshit fix for it talking about using glue 😮‍💨 like dude you need pvc primer and glue to seal it correctly not fucking #elmers glue and tape wtf i was giving him an actual real option to fix it and he cusses me out like im the one who cut the damn pipe #i tried writing in my journal but my hand keeps cramping up #i cant stand how much of a child he is #he has no emotional control he takes his anger out of my mom and i and i fucking hate having to be the one to back away and apologize #when its his fucking issue not mine he was the one raising his voice when all i did was give him sound advice to fixing the broken pvc pipe #and i get cussed at and screamed at being told im criticizing when all i did was offer a solution to his own fucking problem he made worse #on his own accord and now hes breaking shit and kicking doors and slamming them all the while cussing over something #that can be fixed its cool to be like fucking shit i fucked up and get that energy out but to fucking throw a temper tantrum and break stuff #is fucking ridiculous it fucking takes me back to my childhood and how fucking horrible he was to my sister and i.. #we walked on eggshells around him cause any little thing would make him erupt into anger and physical bouts... #lord forbid he has to do something around the house and he breaks something he will cuss and scream at us for no reason like we did it #but im in the one who has to apologize thats fucking bullshit #i really want to kill myself rn im so over the edge rn i just keep thinking of my mom and why i cant kill myself yet #not until she passes away i cant kill myself.. #i long for the day i die im so tired of living here

[lesbiangiratina]

Id like to thank autism and sunk cost fallacy for getting me through this and also most things in life 55 cards down 30 something to go whenever the packages get here. Im free from the png mines until then

Now imagine this but im biting trading cards

#i will be getting some i-no robo-ky and bridget cards sooo i believe the only characters unaccounted for will be. slayer and zappa? sorry. #ive got em in a google drive… will share when i finish those next 30 #but idk if anybody wants a peek at them i can send you the link. #i just wanna get More in there and also maybe fix these up a bit before going crazy… #i boosted the saturation but i might do some more adjustments #maybe clean up some edges. idk they dont need to be perfect also some of them cant be cuz this is. 20 yr old paper objects #theres some sloppy bits… but i like to think its charming… tell me its charming before i lose it #but yeah. most imperfections arent my fault. probably. #im rambling now. but thats okay too. i rambled a bit on call with my partner in yuri crime. i love rambling. im bad at it but its fun. yay #the kat goes meow #gg

[maraschinotopped]

i put on a playlist of the splatoon 2 ost because i realized i hadnt listened to it in a while and. and uh. i think it activated some fucking sleeper agent in my brain or something bc for the last hour or so ive just been wanting to bite and gnaw at shit. violence levels have gone through the roof. urge to tear something apart with my bare hands.

^^^ this is me if you even care.

#i cant tell if im just really really hungry or if its some other emotion causing it #and i cant go eat nowwww because its nearly midnightttt and i want to go to bed #and i. dont have any snacks in my room #and i cant be bothered to get up and go all the way downstairs to get. what. a snack bar? #thats the only snack i can think of right now #so i will just go to bed and see if that fixes it #goodnight. a mimir.

[pcktknife]

not that i was gonna draw personally anytime soon but fucking up my csp settings has got me sad distraught and disillusioned

#like i mean everything is different #outside how i have it set up anyways #like my brush shapes used to be circles and now theyre the shaped of the brushes texture instead #but if i change it to a circle it fucks it up more #its twisted i tell you #and they draw so weiiird now its like the stabilization has been turned all the way up #actually i think its the pen pressure settings cause now i cant get my thicky bobicky lines anymore without pressin the fuck into my tablet #which cramps my hands its just....sigh its so much #ill either fix it or get used to it whatever come first ig #kae.txt

[andragoras-in-vanity]

the absolute INSTANT urge to slit my wrists on a service Ontarios doorstep upon getting a letter from the disability support program with my deadname on it

#Thomas at the call centre felt both queer AND disabled rage #the best part is they dont even have a record of sending this letter #which literally just details further income information i need to gather #again at no point in the application have i been asked about my disability...only my income #which i dont have #other than etsy but i dont think that counts #but anyway the girl fixed my name allegedly and now im shaking but i cant tell if its anger or anxiety #but god damn if it isnt making my joints ache #fuck so fuck them so hard theyve been nothing but transphobic and awful every time ive dealt with then

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

[steaksex]

I NEED TO THINK ABOUT CODEPENDANT TOXIC GAY SEX WITH MY OCS RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

#nsft #ocs #sorry the sterling shower slimes made me think of it #i need it to be deceptively tender i need it to be fucked up. there doesnt even have to be sex for real just the vibes #i need sterling to lather fancy gels and creams into someones hair. his hands are perfectly smooth and his fingers are long and hes gentle #if you pay close attention theres a callous on the side of his middle finger where he holds his pencil but its barely there #and hes chatting idly even as his fingernails gently brush across your scalp and hes explaining what each thing does #talks about where he got it and what the price was and its all just a reminder that he has money thats all it is #(im obsessed w the themes of dora being able to get up and leave and escape when harry cant could you tell) #and again no actual sex happens sterling may not even get undresses but its disgustingly tender #and its made worse by the fact that it works. you have to live with that fact. your hair is so soft and perfect #you smell like a gentle spring day and its the same way sterling smells and hes proud of his work #like hes fixed you. if only for a moment. #but soon enough him and his fancy hair products are gone and now that you know that luxury the absence is apparent #sorry this is SOOOO nothing its not even gay sex. #but do you see my vision. the intimacy. the window into a kinder world. #someone who sucks but hes beautiful and its distressing and disgusting but undeniable #this is so nothing but gahagahagahagha im rotating these thoughts so much. sterlings been my little babygirl lately