#ive been thinking a lot about being alive and what we are physically being so important to your very existence

[sonknuxadow]

sorry i dont really like the shadow is silvers dad theory/headcanon/whatever and part of the reason for it is that people keep presenting it as an actual thing that could be possible even though it makes no sense and all "evidence" people use to back it up is easily disputed

#''they both have white chest fur'' okay ? there are so many other characters who have small physical traits in common #doesnt mean they have to be related #''shadow and silver are lancelot and galahad in sonic and the black knight'' okay and . #im sure there might be SOME meaning to the character choices in the storybook games but i highly doubt their lives are 1 to 1 parallels #or that the character choices are meant to imply anything about the characters that we dont already know #plus amy was nimue and nobody tries to argue that shadow and amy are related because of that? #also im aware that a lot of dad shadow stuff takes place in the future when silver is a baby and shadow has still been alive for a long tim #(which. how would that even work wasnt shadow in stasis again in the future) #but sometimes i see people do it with like present day shadow being a father figure to the silver who time traveled there ? #thats like the horrible combination of people infantilizing silver in a way they dont do with other characters his age or younger #and people pretending shadow is an adult when he isnt . what #also i dont get why people insist that if shadow is silver's dad then the other parent MUST be someone from the existing cast #like . silver is not from a few decades into the future hes from 200 years into the future #none of the characters youre saying shadow is gonna get with are gonna be living that long im sorry to say #and why does silver HAVE to be the child of a couple in the existing cast why cant he just be some random guy #and im not saying every au idea has to perfectly align with canon #but a lot of the people who think shadow is silvers dad arent presenting it as a fun little baseless headcanon #theyre presenting it as an actual plausible theory . when it really isnt . #also ive noticed one of the most common pairings for silvers parents is sonic and shadow . #sorry but that is just not happening i feel so strongly about sonic never wanting to get married or have kids #i think shadow being an older brother figure to silver could be cute . #and the idea of a timeline where shadow doesnt die or get put into stasis or whatever the hell and is still around in silvers time #could be interesting . but im not really on board with the dad thing

[swordfaery]

anyway my favourite thing about dead men fanfiction is the wildly different characters we all write. like. not even the ones who have been dead for years and have so little actual characterisation but even the ones who were alive in canon were probably very different one hundred, two hundred, three hundred years ago. also theyre under characterised in fiction. also we are all just having fun

#guy who barely posts about skulduggery pleasant: so ive be rereading some of my old favourite dead men fanfiction #as well as my own dead men fanfiction #and damn if we arent all writing a bunch of different fucking guys. to be fair i have gone rogue bcos like. cant be fucked w canon #dont wanna write about war #heyo what if it was pre war and everyone was still. convinced their wouldnt be one #also i love the idea of skulduggery being. just super fucking irresponsible devil may care live laugh love sorta guy pre-war #spoilt. rich parents who dont care much about him. loads of magic tutors. #i mean think about the class implications of the dead men #skulduggery. an elemental. a difficult discipline that clearly requires a level of training and scholarli-ness #his NAME is skulduggery #you come across that name if your educated. if you read a lot #this is a man who has been afforded every privilege #and like. i think a lot of sorcerers are implied to be very upper class #or like. kinda rich and fancy about it #but obviously that wouldnt be the case for everyone bcos magic isnt just genetic right like some ppl just show up with it #and like even then #dexter vex #anton shudder #like as far as im aware these are just names ppl have #and slightly uncommonly used words #disciplines which are more emotional/physical #as opposed to 'learned' #i just think its interesting #i was gonna have my dead men all meet n be friends pre war #but tbh i think them meeting and not being friends is better #i think theres a sort of tragedy in them being as close as they were because of the war #and not having that post war or pre war #its actually really fucking sad but like. evidently they didnt hang out in the interim when most of em were still alive #or at least that much #im wondering if like. they needed a couple hundred years of like. detox bcos seeing each other just pulled them back into that mindset

[clownsalot]

yea ok i know im not the only one voicing concerns over amane getting forgiven this trial but. i am actually so worried for what'll happen if she is so im going to talk about it anyway

longish post?? i think?? so uh. read more

- on the one hand, the one everyone talks about: shidou's physical safety. this one's obvious

you can argue that amane is 12 and shidou is a grown ass man more than twice her age but also;;;; a lot of theories ive seen of amane also include her victim being an adult. 12 years old or not, there's a lot you can do with a weapon when you catch someone off guard, and shidou isn't exactly fit to fight someone off, even a 12 year old on adrenaline. also given how he's working himself to the bone keeping mahiru alive and taking care of fuuta he's probably not going to be all that alert to his surroundings either. though with kazui once again innocent leaning, hopefully this concern can be set aside for a while.

- on the other hand, what worries me more (ie making me shit my fucking pants in fear) is that there's another real threat amane poses that can't be solved by kazui being forgiven: amane is trying to convert fuuta.

(from fuuta's 2023 birthday timeline on the wiki)

shidou's safety can be accounted for, but whay about fuuta? fuuta, whose mental health is going to shit and at an all time low; fuuta, desperate for anything that'll give him a sense of safety and security? right now fuuta is a textbook example of someone vulnerable to cult indoctrination, which amane will happily provide. there was also @vampuppyy 's post (that i agree with and also makes other good points) that mentioned this could be compounded if amane is forgiven as well. hell, fuuta's second trial voice drama is even named BAPTISM OF FIRE.

if amane is forgiven this trial, someone is definitely getting hurt.

- the threat amane poses aside however, i do have my own reasons for voting her guilty this round beyond her potential to hurt someone. and it's that i don't think forgiving her is actually going to do her much good??

(amane's second trial voiceline, also from the wiki)

she says she'll forgive us for trial 1 and to think about our verdict again carefully with the implication that she expects to be forgiven this round. i think forgiving her this round will do nothing but just tell her 'we were wrong to not forgive you the first time, your cult beliefs are right actually. thank you for your generosity, please take this as an apology for our mistake' which does nothing but reinforce her belief that she's righteous in her cult mentality, especially if we're right about her murder being partially motivated by her believing her victim also broke one of the cult's tenets. she's going to turn out like muu singing about how 'it's not my fault' won't she?

i get why people are forgiving her this round and im not saying it's wrong (honestly good for amane for killing her abuser!! you go girl slay), but imo it's not the best decision to make right now given the circumstances. of course milgram's strict innocent/guilty system doesn't allow for any kind of nuance, and i do realize a guilty won't be good for her either, but i think doubling down on the guilty and not forgiving her this round might be the better decision in the long run. if we still want to forgive her, we always have trial 3 to do it anyway

(honestly i think if we wanted to forgive her it should've been in trial 1—but there's nothing we can do about that anymore, all we can do now is play damage reduction trying to fix what went wrong after the trial 1 results)

so uh. yeah that's all the reasons im guilty voting amane this trial 👍 i hope this was coherent

#milgram #momose amane #amane momose

[eebie]

ive been trying to put a name on something that’s always been on my mind, about how the assumption of exceptionalism, of us, our experiences, being special cases, is so ingrained in being alive. like of course we think we’re unique Because we exist and being selfish is in our nature. and i don’t say selfish in the pessimistic “humans are so heartless we only care about ourselves, we’re evil” way in which that word usually gets used. i mean it as a conclusion, not an accusation. maybe self-motivated is a better way to describe it. i mean that if you reason backwards, we want to take care of the environment because we care about how it affects us, or others, and our discomfort with the suffering of others comes from the discomfort that their suffering causes in us, and that discomfort comes from our own understanding of suffering, and our wellbeing, our survival, (both physically and mentally) our entire reason for being conscious right this second, as intelligent, social animals, depended on the wellbeing of our tribe. (not to say there aren’t outliers ofc. not everyone experiences empathy, ((and anyways the things that evoke it in us is generally first shaped by the people preceding us, but still can change later)) but i think the majority of us are intelligent enough to be able to eventually reason that the suffering of others is bad, with or without outside guidance). and selflessness is not a disregard for ourselves, because that would deny our own nature, but an active choice we make motivated by care that comes from us, and caring is a passion, and passion comes from emotion, and emotion comes from us. anyways i digress What im really talking about is the possibility for almost everything that has happened, is happening, and will ever happen are near zero, but we think of fate, gods dictating it, or some greater design because we experience, and largely ever think about only what happens and not everything that doesn’t, and for a lot of people that’s enough. not that that’s bad or good. it simply Is. i’d rather it not be, but that’s me. nyways it doesn’t matter how people feel about it in that aspect because we find comfort in different things. personally i find comfort in the idea of chance, because i find it depressing to believe in fate when i look at every bad thing that’s ever happened, especially in the context of the christian god, or any god really. but chance only goes so far, and i can’t picture any order of events that’d lead to out existence here, Because i’ve only existed for like. a fraction of millisecond that’s shrinking in proportion to time the longer that it goes on. i find comfort in believing that something out there is responsible for our existence, at least. But either way what matters is here and now, and making the most of our time here, and treating others well in our duration of now ^^

#existentialism #???? #maybe #maybe thats the name for it #my rambles

[isabella1798]

‼️IRON FLAME AND FOURTH WING THEORY‼️

[ I’m gonna be discussing Violet being a venin queen, her real parents, her real siblings and Naolin ]

While I’m on the topic of iron flame... I dont think ive seen this theory anywhere but i think Violet is royalty of some sort and either her parents/one of her parents weren’t who they said they were or Lilith Sorrengail and her husband weren’t her real parents. Or at least one of them wasn’t.

I say this because it’s clear from the beginning she is different… the silver hair, the weak limbs, the ability to bond two dragons when no other human has and the fact that the venin want her bought to their leader alive but why ???

A lot of people are saying it is because her signet can destroy venin and that’s why they want her but I think it goes a lot deeper than that. An explanation could be that she is a BORN VENIN either from Lilith being poisoned by venin while pregnant or her real birth parents. But someone I saw on TikTok said that wouldn’t make sense because it is a physical energy of power but either way I could still see this happening. So where does the royalty part come in…

Well, there is a lot of symbolic references to royalty with Violet :

. her crown braided hair

. *that* throne scene

. her bonding two dragons

. the theory about andarna being royalty

. Xaden being the “king” of Aretia

. Cat previously being engaged to Xaden because she was of “high status” then throwing it in Violets face that she is not special and therefore will not get the throne

. her being able to get through the guarded archives with Aaric when she is not royal blood ( I can’t find it in the book but I’m pretty sure they chose him to get through because he is a prince and could go through the door but then he dragged Violet and she mysteriously made it through ??? )

All of this here I would like to call foreshadowing… Would it be insane to think that Violet is a princess/queen and maybe her father is still alive or her real parents are?

It is said that Lilith never much liked Violet but in the end we found out she really did love her - but you can still love a child even if they don’t share the same blood.

Going back to the theory of her being venin, keep in mind mavens have never been discovered and anything further along the hierarchy of them has also never been discovered. Could it be that the venins have a royal family where their ruler produced a child with a human and that child was given away for protection or in hopes that one day they would discover the truth and defeat the venin and over throw the royal family to cure venin??? And violets father was preparing her for this by teaching her about venin and giving her the knowledge of a scribe and her mother making sure she became a rider to go to war.

“you’re everything we dreamed you would be” - Lilith to Violet

I saw another theory that Violet can cure venin so maybe the royal family of venin also have the power to cure venin and that’s where she gets it from ??

Also TAIRN CALLS HER SILVER 1 AND KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS !! And could this be because she holds some sort of resemblance to his previous rider… Naolin? Is she related to Naolin? I won’t discuss this now but I personally think she is related to him somehow and he is still alive and she’ll come face to face with him in an upcoming book.

Violet is something so let’s assume she is venin royalty and that is why she is wanted alive…

And I know someone will say that if she is venin then she can’t bond with a dragon which she obviously can so I say that she is half venin and half human and has all the power of a venin and a rider which makes her perfect to defeat venin.

All of this would perfectly describe the fable of the barrens where the lightning wielder (Violet) had two siblings, one a griffon rider and a jealous sibling who became venin that couldn’t bond. So the lightning wielder murdered the jealous sibling at a cost… foreshadowing again…

I am quite certain that this story is in fact a prophecy… but Mira and Brennan are both riders so this confirms that Violet has a sibling who is a griffon rider and a sibling who is a venin and there will be a bloody battle between these siblings !!!!!

I don’t know but in my head I’ve built up this story where a human got together with a venin prince/princess and had a child but gave the child away to protect her and prepare her as she is the destined one to stop this war. That baby is Violet….

Going on to the topic of her two other siblings the griffon rider could be cat but cat looks very similar to her own sister but it still could be possible that syrena is cats half sister and Violet is her other half sister. I’m more interested to find out who the jealous sibling is but I don’t think we have been introduced to this brother/sister yet. One crazy thought that came in to my mind is Jack Barlowe…. that would be such a good plot twist. Another is Naolin since the fandom has almost agreed he is still alive and is venin but none of this has been confirmed.

Anyway my whole point is Violet is going to crown herself queen of the venins but what would happen to her being Xadens consort? Well she could destroy the whole venin species on her own and that would be the ultimate clap back at cat basically saying to her “haha I am a queen so of course I am fit to marry a king” bringing their courts together. This could lead to the result of the end of the Navarre kingdom and Violet and Xaden bring their courts together to take over Navarre.

I know I’ve probably made some mistakes within this massive theory so pls correct me if I’m wrong about anything :)

#fourth wing #iron flame #violet sorrengail #xaden riorson #the empyrean #tairn #andarna #venin

[firethekitty]

okay you reblog a lot of albums ive never heard of and am curious about but it’s hard to get myself to sit down and listen to a whole album so please please, Top Ten-ish Songs To Get To Know You kind of list? pretty please?

i literally daydream about people asking me stuff like this LOL. so this is hardly a comprehensive list of all my favorite songs ever but here are some songs that are really important to me!!! this got REALLY long so i put it under a read more

1. meet me in the woods by lord huron

my absolute favorite song Ever like of all time. means everything to me. i could listen to this every single day and never get tired of it. INSANELY fun, incredible vibes, makes me want to go outside and shoot a beam into somebody. lord huron is an Experience. all their albums are concept albums and there’s actually a fair amount of lore going on. on the physical CD for strange trails it actually has the characters’ names next to their respective songs

for meet me in the woods, it sounds very upbeat and happy, but listen closely and you’ll realize it’s not quite as it seems… in-universe, it’s narrated by a woman named francine lu, and the song has the same chords as the first track of the album (and another of her songs) “love like ghosts”. she also narrates “the night we met”, easily LH’s most famous song. francine lu is not having a normal one. what’s her problem? listen to find out…..

2. crystals by of monsters and men

this was my favorite song ever for about 6 years until meet me in the woods ranked just a tiny bit higher. sooo fucking fun, itches a part of my brain that’s only accessible via icelandic stomp & holler. makes me very happy and always cheers me up! of monsters and men was the first new (at the time) band i ever really discovered on my own without hearing about from my parents or other people, and i’ve been listening to them ever since (almost 13 years!!) they are incredibly important to me and i highly recommend all of their albums

3. sunblind by fleet foxes

relatively new but became a favorite as soon as i heard it. this is also one of the most Me songs i can think of on top of just being so fucking gorgeous and raw and heartfelt. this song is a tribute to deceased musicians who influenced robin pecknold (the lead singer and songwriter for fleet foxes) and how their music is pretty much the reason he’s even alive today. my favorite lines are “only way that i made it for a long time / but i’m loud and alive, singing you all night”. this entire album is sincerely a masterpiece and i highly recommend listening to it all. fleet foxes have really beautiful and unique lyrics, they remind me of mitski’s lyrics in that they’re very poetic and personal and emotional but still subjective enough that you can connect them to your own life

4. this must be the place by talking heads

specifically the stop making sense live recording, which i still half-refuse to believe is a live recording because it’s just THAT fucking good. whenever someone says david byrne can’t sing i direct them here, because he does sincerely have an incredible voice and he simply Chooses to sing weirdly bc he’s a quirked up white boy with autistic swag.

this is just a really sweet and romantic song from a band that otherwise stays far away from love songs and it works extremely well. this entire album is fucking incredible and easily the best live album of all time. half of them are BETTER than the studio recordings, and you can also watch david byrne leap straight up backwards like a full 4 feet

highly recommend watching stop making sense just the entire film

5. vein of stars by the flaming lips

back in 2014, i watched a very beloved streamer play a game called “space engine”, in which you explore as much of the universe as we’ve theorized to exist. this was a little before copyright laws got so fucking strict on youtube and twitch, so mr. vinny vinesauce could play any music he wanted while planet-hopping. one of those songs was vein of stars, and it’s been one of my absolute favorites ever since.

the flaming lips are definitely an acquired taste. wayne coyne does Not have a very good voice and it can get extremely grating, especially to someone who hasn't heard them before. but when it works, god it works. this song is so pretty and nostalgic to me, always calms me down whenever i’m In A Mood. it’s nihilistic but not in a depressing way, more like “yeah maybe we aren’t here for any particular reason, maybe there’s nothing after this life. there’s nothing we can do about that, so why worry?”. very peaceful. REQUIRED listening when stargazing

6. good old-fashioned lover boy by queen

one of the first songs i ever truly hyperfixated on. unfortunately i listened to it SO fucking much it kind of ruined it for me, but i still do really love it. i may not listen to it that often anymore but i felt obligated to put it here bc it had a Profound Effect on my developing brain

7. too much time by john vanderslice

the year is 2012 and you're halfway through the newest episode of the hit podcast welcome to nightvale. cecil announces the weather. little do you know that you will carry the next 3 and a half minutes with you for the rest of your life. this one is just absurdly nostalgic to me (and not to mention incredibly vash the stampede coded). beloved song!!!

8. waltz for zizi & the real folk blues by the seatbelts & mai yamane

well it’s no secret that i think cowboy bebop has the greatest anime soundtrack of all time and one of THE greatest soundtracks of all time Ever. this is just an objective fact actually.

i believe this is because the seatbelts and specifically the composer yoko kanno studied real jazz, blues, and bebop to make the ost. like it's not just "jazz-flavored", there is genuine, deep respect and you can hear it in every single track. waltz for zizi gives me physical goosebumps every single time i listen to it, it's absolutely perfect. i've made it a ritual to listen to every time i visit the shore at night and go stargazing. sincerely transcendent experience

9. cuckoo song by cosmo sheldrake

hhhhhrrr this entire fucking albummmm hhhhhhhrhhhhrhhhaauuuuUUUUOOOGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

back during my final semesters of college, i had to take a course for art degree seniors. we’d pick something we were passionate about, make art for it, and it would be hung up for a week in the exhibition room. i chose birds of course, but wake-up calls inspired me to shift that choice to something more important than just random funny bird drawings. i focused on bird species that have gone extinct within the last 60 years because wake-up calls is made almost entirely out of endangered bird songs.

i’ll be honest i can barely listen to this song or anything on the album because i WILL literally start sobbing like in real life. cuckoo song in particular just makes me start crying every single time i listen to it, it’s like a magic spell. it’s not even necessarily sad but just viscerally bittersweet. the art for the album is made by flora wallace. here’s the spotify canvas i made a gif just for you 👍

10. take you back by orville peck

and finally………….. the song that made me realize that i actually DO love real country music a lot, and that the derivative “bro country” sub-genre that developed in the early 2000s has absolutely destroyed any positive opinion of country music in society. we NEED to go back, and orville peck is more than doing his part. this is the first song i ever heard by him and it's just so goddamn fun. i am completely unable to not sing along to this when it comes on

not only do i highly recommend orville peck but also any country music from the 50s and 60s, especially marty robbins, charley pride, conway twitty, and of course mrs. dolly parton. and later country rock/folk rock bands like america and creedence clearwater revival. it’s SO good i’m so serious

orville peck is the only modern country singer i can think of who's not afraid to bring back the harmonicas and whistling and steel guitars and whip cracks and yeehaws. it's fantastic. he's also gay and an outspoken trans ally. i believe this gives him the power to revive country music from the dead 🙏

#ask #constellation-dreamer

[thatoneskullgrunt]

Hi sorry theres a wholeass rant under the cut. But im leaving it up cuz i need it off my chest.

Its really weird to think that right now if i were at that house, i'd be lying in bed half asleep watching some stupid cartoon until 2am. This past week and a half i would have been doing nothing but rotting my brain away waiting for job apps to get back to me and being nagged to go to college and learn to drive. Yeah sure im broke and physically exhausted and hungry, but holy shit im free and cared for and alive. So, so arcdamn alive.

I dont really know if i'll complete the Island Challenge, ive always had a tendency to drop things part of the way through. But one island is way more productive and fun than i would have been in that house, and it makes me mad that i had to go to regular school and study for a "stable job" while all the kids in my neighborhood got to go on their own gym challenge journeys (yes i know the league is fucked up, this isnt about that). And because of that its weirdly comforting to see league members from my region on this site, and even moreso to know that theyre human, just like me.

I know i have a bit of a ramshamble team. My strongest pokemon is level 14. But dammit these four little fucks have brought me the most joy ive felt in ages, and i guess i wish i'd been able to have that as a kid. Yeah we had the family cats (and Stufful), but because they werent mine i wasnt able to raise them properly and they ended up just doing their own thing. Its so wildly different having a team thats all my own (im typing this with Gun draped across my lap).

Idk why im ranting. I talk a lot about causing chaos and being a delinquent which yes, is exactly what im here to do, but theres so much more to life outside the "real world" than i was expecting. Even if i dont finish the Island Challenge, even if i fail miserably, itll all have been worth it for the feeling of true, genuine, freedom.

And if i do? Maybe I will go back, if only to make up for lost opportunities.

#grunt talks #overseas over the phone

[dairy-farmer]

I feel like that bernie meme because I am, once again, thinking about Roy/Tim!!(and hoping you're okay with me asking you about them?)

I just can't shut up about these two and I love to hear all of your takes on them <3

what about something like a secret lovers au? where they met when Tim was really young (I'm imagining super early Robin days but if you have any pre-Robin ideas I'd be so fascinated). I feel like Roy would be somewhat skeptical of a third Robin but obviously our boy wins him over. they start a little tryst which maybe started off as just physical attraction but it grows into being even more when they take comfort from each other after long missions and bitch about JL together. I feel like they'd be kind of on and off through the years (ugh the reunion sex is >>>>)

and at some point they don't even bother to hide it. they go to each other's apartments and team up and maybe even fuck in the manor and at WE?

but no one catches on for an absurd amount of time after they decided they're really in this

maybe the others find out when Tim gets pregnant? or maybe it all gets out when they find the two necking in a closet or something idk the possibilities are endless and all so satisfying

hope you're doing well!! xx

YES YES YESYETS ETS YES YESYES!!!!1 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😩😩😩😩😩🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

i would never turn away a roytim ask because I do truly love the ship!!! it's a shame there's so few fics about it and ive never been able to come up with a cohesive plot for them. outside of the bats roy is my favorite to pair tim with!!! (yes that includes kon they're really great together but roytim just carries that wonderful forbiddenness that makes it so much more interesting!)

I love the concept of roy meeting tim when he's robin but can also see them meeting prerobin. tims the neighbor and all bug houses look alive so maybe roy stumbles through the gates the first time he's visiting dick's house and knocks on the door only to be greeted by a chubby cheeked little kid who tilts his head up at tim.

roy figures out pretty quickly he’s got the wrong house and scurries away while a baby closed the door.

years later roy catches wind of a new robin and well....roy's not sure what he feels. a lot of the original titans had all felt that there was no replacing the original when the second robin (the few times they met roy had the kid's back and the kid always shot him that grateful grin so it's not like roy was opposed to having him around) came on the scene but after the kid was murdered...

well it seemed in poor taste to hold on so ardently to a mantle that wasn't even theirs. plus roy has other shit going on, personal shit so he's not very concerned with a gotham newbie. so roy is fine with the kid. maybe a bit weary like he is about all new heroes because they have a tendency of coming on all cocky before getting pounded down to size pretty quickly.

roy hears a few things through the grapevine and rumor mill. the few times he and wally cross paths and meet they catch and wally tells him about dick's new kiddie brother.

"real sweet if a bit skittish" wally tells him and that's all roy tells him.

roy learns everything second hand about the third robin. the first time he talks to him is when he seeks him out. word on the street is the kid is quite the whiz at detective work. like a mini-batman.

that's the only thing that puts roy off form seeking him out immediatly. it's only when he's got nowhere else to turn that he goes to him.

he and ollie are on the outs.

dick is a dick.

no way is he fucking going to batman.

but he needs someone with a finger to the pulse of gotham crime because he has a few people he's looking for that might've fled to the famed city of the bat.

the third robin is...surprisingly easy to work with.

within the day roy has a location on his three targets and all he had to do was swear he wouldn't rough them up too badly.

roy knows he doesn't have the best reputation in the community. knows that some of the more 'straight-laced' heroes look down on him completely for the drugs and the having a kid and being a single dad thing.

he sure as shit knows ollie doesn't brag about him at parties.

he and dick haven't gotten on for awhile. they used to be so close with the whole 'only titans without powers' thing. but puberty and adulthood changed both of them and roy will admit the two of them are quite prideful so an apology is not visible on the horizon. but they can still work together even with the bit of tension between them.

roy knows for a fact the bat would never approve of him working or asking his robin for help so roy is grateful when the kid agrees to keep it under wraps in exchange for dinner.

roy buys the kid takeout and watches as he munches on an eggroll and prints out a stack of surveillance photos and the current location of his target.

it's nice company. roy hasn't had that in awhile. the kid doesn't talk down to roy or treat him like a moron. they had a pretty great conversation about some of the alien tech the bozos roy is hunting got their hands on.

roy lets the kid hold his bow. his swallows a mouthful of shrimp fried rice as small gloved hands delicately stroke the metal wire of his bow and the small, almost invisible bolts that hold it together.

he's a sweet kid. like wally said.

roy decides he likes him when the kid helps him tie up his guys and throw them in the back of a rented van.

maybe one meeting isn't enough to judge someone's character and roy doesn't have a history of good judgement. but he likes the kid.

he's earnest and honest and a bit of a do-gooder, the kind that isn't annoying.

so roy likes him.

the next time roy has a something that crosses close to gotham's borders he calls robin.

he needs a second opinion on some alien tech?

call robin. oh he can't help with that? that's fine robin knows some people, he'll call in a favor.

robin does that a lot. favors for roy.

roy almost feels bad, feels like he's taking advantage of the kid. he tries his best to repay it. food, and some little souvenirs when he has work overseas.

the kid grins and happily accepts it like it's anything compared to the time roy desperately needed a sitter and robin offered to stay a few hours in the city to watch the kid.

maybe it was a testament to how much robin had squirmed his way into roy's good graces since he didn't even hesitate to leave his sleeping daughter in the other vigilante's care.

something he didn't even do with people he's known for years.

roy's not quite sure when they transition to something more.

maybe its after roy's settling into a new apartment waiting for robin to come pick up some info about movements on the gotham mob roy had stumbled across. lian is at daycare and roy's just in some boxers with all the windows cracked open and his stereo blastic profanity-laced music he never plays when lian's little ears could hear it.

warm summer is wafting in along with a cool breeze when his doorbell rings and at first roy thinks its the pizza he ordered ten minutes ago.

but he opens the door to a civilian clad robin wearing thick sunglasses to obscure his eyes.

his shirt is one of the metal bands roy hasn't listened to in years and his pants are dark-washed jeans with white crew socks visible at the ankles.

it's such a casual encounter. it's one they've had multiple times before.

there's some traffic on the street and the sound of beeping car horns fill roy's eyes as a presents a flash drive of everything he collected.

roy is explaining what he saw and how he came across the info when he feels robin's eyes on him.

of course robin is listening to him speak and ergo looking at him but roy can just feel the weight of the stare on his bare chest scattered with red chest hairs and a nice thick happy trail that led into his boxers.

his scars are visible all along his torso along with the scattering of tattoos his uniform usually covers. lian's name is printed in gothic script right over his heart.

but that's not what robin's eyes are on.

roy feels a burning gaze locked on his prominent package. roy can see the shy blush that stretch to the kid's ears and trails off as a wide grin creeps across his face.

oh to be fourteen again and in the midst of puberty.

roy had just meant some honest ribbing, a bit of harmless flirting.

robin blushed so pretty. the vigilante who usually spoke so clearly and concisely with a slight undertone of demand was now stuttering as roy leaned in closer and trapped him against the countertop with his half naked body.

roy wasn't certain when the line blurred.

he always knew he was a scumbag. but he really solidified that by banging a teenager on the couch of his apartment.

roy at least had the mindset to use a condom as he fucked into a tight little pussy as robin scrambled to cling onto him.

gasped 'ahh hnnn mmnnn' sounds floated into roy's ears as he grunted with every thrust into that cunt.

roy gripped hips hard enough to bruise and tugged robin's sweet little cunt down onto his cock as he groaned.

his fingers mercilessly abused a little red throbbing clit, thumbing it and rubbing out a nice orgasm for the kid who ended up losing their virginity on a ratty couch in a ratty apartment to a scumbag hero who apparently now fucked teenagers.

roy has beaten the shit out of men who did what he did as he waved robin goodbye when he left his apartment, flash drive in hand.

a man in their twenties creeping on kids barely into highschool is a huge no-no. ask anyone with a cape and they'd tell you the same thing.

roy likes the kid, he really does. not enough to risk fucking jail time or getting the shit beat out of him by dick or batman or any horrifying combination of the two.

robin is lowkey. he promises to keep this a secret without roy having to ask even though he was working on it and it -whew- wow it makes him feel like a piece of shit.

roy pushes it out of his mind. tries to bury it alongside the mountain of mistakes that weigh on him because how fucking like him. to fuck up a perfectly decent burdgeoning partnership.

roy doesn't avoid robin. not exactly.

he just becomes more of a last resort. and roy would like to say he buried what they did that day in the back of his mind but it...rears up sometimes.

late at night when roy is alone and a little horny. he tries to use por as much as he can but the memory...fuck the memory of that hot vice of a cunt. the way robin had squirmed under him, little tits turning red with the abuse of roy sucking on them harshly.

robin had a sweet body and his fit perfectly in roy's arms as he pinned him down and fucked into him.

it's a few months later they get a repeat.

aliens. fucking aliens. it's always fucking aliens that property damage skyrockets.

roy's just at one of the reserve camps awaiting to be directed or deployed to clean up crew, med evac, civilian evac. the entire crew of YJ is there and one by one they all get called away until its just him and robin -now tim, roy now has a name for that face that greets him on lonely nights.

roy knows he's staring, eyes lingering. tim turns to look at him, eyes as heavy and interested as they were that night.

roy comforts himself with the fact that its not teenagers he has a thing for. just tim. tim and his tight body and hot cunt. and tim just so happens to be a teenager.

thankfully for roy tim happens to have a thing for roy too. roy and his big dick and happy trail that presses flush to tim's reddened cunt as roy's cock splits him over while bending him over a counter.

it's a fast fuck. just a quickie. ten minutes later while they're cleaning themselves up tim gets called away.

he turns, steps already marhcing him out the door before he stops for a moment turns and says-

"you have my number, right?"

roy swallows thickly and nods.

"good."

then he's back to marching and that's as much permission to be a full blown sleaze as roy needs.

roy will admit, with only some shame, that he is definitly the kind of guy to send dick pics without hesitation once asked.

and tim doesn't even have to ask.

it's been so long since roy's been so fucking horny for someone that reciprocated it. and tim, well tim is definitely getting some hot, stringless sex out of it too.

roy will be alone in a city on a job. he'll tug his cock out and jack it to hardness before snapping a pic and sending it to tim.

'miss u' he writes. like a fucking douchebag he's been told. 'do u miss me?'

tim replies back in the affirmative and roy instantly starts borderline begging, asking for tim to send him a little something his cock is fucking hard and it hurts pretty baby. it hurts so bad :/.

tim sends back a picture of his tank top pushed up with his cute little tits on display.

'Feel better now?' he replies and roy tightens his grip on his cock as he types with one hand.

'maybe a little more bby'

a minute later and roy groans as he's greeted by the sight of two of tim's fingers spreading open the lips of his cunt to expose his wonderfully wet pussy.

'thank u bby'

and roy pumps his cock until he's arching off and moaning into his empty hotel room.

tim's nude game is other worldly. it's almost artistic with the composition and the lighting. tim's cunt should be in a fucking art gallery.

sometimes he sends roy pictures of him in his underwear, some of him in bed groping his tit and fucking fingers into his hole.

one time he sends roy a one minute video of him fucking himself on a glass rob dildo, pumping it into his red little cunt while making the sweetest fucking moans in the world.

roy spends the day inside just jacking off until his cock sputtered pathetically.

the next time roy is in new jersey he makes a pit stop in gotham. tim's parents are out of town and for the first time roy sees his room. though he's not able to appreciate the blade runner posters, comic book collection, and mountain of laundry on a spare chair until the next morning.

tim is naked and half asleep even as he grinds his cunt onto roy's bare cock. and nope, roy's learnt his lesson from that.

" i am on birth control you know." tim tells him as roy stops nibbling on his tit to pull on a fresh condom.

roy just grins down at him and nuzzles his neck, kissing away his pout.

"baby if any boy ever tells you its okay if he doesn't use a condom just because you're on birth control i want you to turn his nutsack inside out."

tim lets out a half chocked laugh that turns into a moan as roy rubs a thumb against his clit and fucks into him.

it becomes habit for them to hook up.

roy's amazed they manage to get away with it. sometimes they meet in gotham. other times tim goes to meet roy wherever he is.

they don't always work out though. sometimes roy gets his life together and manages to get a steady girlfriend.

sometimes other people (better people) notice tim and he's taken off the market too.

but love is cruel to them and even to tim who roy honestly believe deserves better than to have rebound sex with him.

but tim loves it and so does roy. and being able to explore each other's bodies, and feel out new scars and new tattoos is just a different kind of intense.

roy misses the way tim's pussy parts for him when he slowly pushes in, misses his gasps and sweet coos as roy fucks him hard and fast.

tim makes a sight for sore eyes on his knees and pawing at roy's jock to get access to his cock to take into his mouth. and tim has the sweetest tasting pussy that roy's ever eaten. he moans between his spread thighs as he fucks his tongue into that well-loved hot little hole.

life sucks but there's always good sex to make you feel better.

roy's not saying their relationship is easy but it's one that they never stress over because they never define what they are.

but they get along. they like the same things, and dislike the same people. they wish each other the best and try to keep things from souring between them.

in many ways each other is the only one they can turn to. keeping a secret between them tends to draw them together and forage an odd bond between them.

roy and dick reconcile at some point and roy feels a little guilty at the fact that he's fucking the guy's baby brother behind his back. but not enough to actually tell him (roy would like to keep all his teeth thank you very much).

and roy likes tim so he's more than a little ticked off when he hears about things growing sour in gotham.

he and tim's physical relations have waned a bit. prometheus's bombs in star city landed lian in the hospital with a coma and roy hadn't been in the right place to be around...anyone.

in that time things go pretty shittily for tim too. roy wonders if its too late to send a card but then bludhaven explodes and the memory of star city and lian just send him right back to the bad place.

even if he could reach out. roy was sure tim wasn't doing well enough to support them both.

roy has beef the JL it's something that grows hot and fierce when he hears whispers about robin- now red robin- having gone off the deep end.

the source? his own brother, nightwing- now batman.

there's a new robin in gotham and roy is...fuck he's not sure what he feels. it's not his place. not his fight. not his family.

lian is out of her coma and in for a long recovery with having to relearn how to walk, how to read, how to fucking speak.

the next time roy raises his head out his ostrich hole, cheering lian on as she takes her first unassisted steps, it's to the sound of a newly reinstated batman.

roy's too far away to know the details and hear everything going on. but that doesn't stop the simmer of pride that erupts in his chest.

he always believed in the pretty baby.

lian starts making leaps in her recovery and roy is not about to depend on outside help for his daughter so starts taking high paying jobs to pay for all of lian's rehab.

oh there was a poor taste 'like father like daughter' joke in there somewhere and roy knew he was going to be drawing blood from the first person who made them.

roy crosses paths with a "reformed" jason todd aka red hood.

roy knows about him from titan's tower. his opinion would be lower of him if the two of them didn't get on like a house on fire. roy works some jobs with him, exchanges stories, and builds up a nice friendship. roy's daughter is a safe topic, jason's got a soft spot for kids. but with kids comes family talk and both roy and jason could find kindred spirits in being estranged.

they share similar grievances.

they even share simialr issues with dick's...dickishness.

"you lucked out with tim at least though."

and roy feels the tension before he sees it. it's a dangerous path to treat, talking about tim who is a stand up guy because he is to the guy who sees him as a replacement but jason surprises both of them when he says-

"i haven't exactly been the...best guy to the kid."

roy knows its not his place. knows that he has no right to interfere with anything relating to tim's family and personal life because that's crossing a pretty firm boundary but then he thinks of tim. of that new robin and the fact that he spent a year being ostracized by nearly every hero.

so roy...just tells jason the truth. about how tim's understanding. how he's all 'do no harm but take no shit'. he's straight-laced but surprisingly bendy (in more than one way but roy doesn't say that) willing to work with you. i mean he helped roy out a tight spot a few times.

roy doesn't mention the sex. probably not a good idea to tell that to somone who'd probably blast his dick off if he found out that grown man roy harper fucked a pink-cheeked fourteen-year-old robin.

roy and tim's reunion is...a nice one. roy's in gotham to take lian to a specialist appointment. he meets tim in the cafeteria. they both stumble to a stop at the sight of each other.

roy tells him why he's there and tim's there for outreach purposes, WE work.

they have coffee. chat a little. nudge smiles and small laughs out of each other. speak in code so they can bitch about and roll their eyes about the justice league.

roy is in gotham for the week. he meets up with jason a handful of time and jason takes lian to some new park constructed in crime alley for the kids.

roy texts tim while he's gone, keeping the conversation they had at the hospital going.

roy's emotions have been rubbed raw for awhile. he hasn't been intimate with anyone for over a year.

tim is in the same boat.

the sex they have is different then the rushed frantic fucking where they sought their own pleasure.

he and tim spend quite a few minutes kissing on roy's hotel room bed. roy feels out tim's body, groping and squeezing and feeling his flesh as tim does the same.

they don't peel their clothes off in some sexy little strip tease like the ones roy jokingly did for tim.

their clothes stay mostly on aside from roy unzipping and pushing down his pants and tim doing the same with his slacks. they hold each other, wrapping hands around each other's backs in a deep hug while they softly kiss and roy fucks tim slowly.

tim rocks on his cock, occasionally pulling away from the kiss to let out a soft moan and rock his hips back in time with roy's thrusts.

they both cum quietly just two silent gasps and tensed shoulders followed by some trembling as they went slack.

they've both had a...hell of a time.

it felt nice, felt safe to go back to something they knew. to something they liked.

a half an hour later and its like a switch has flipped and roy doesn't know what to grab or fondle first as tim desperately moans on top of him, whipping his hips back and forth as he rides roy. tim sinks down on him with thick, wet, 'squelches', gasping and moaning as roy holds ontol his hips and tugs him down onto his cock.

it's desperate, it's hot, it's so fucking good.

roy almost limps on his way to pick up lian, his cock is fucking spent because tim's pussy could knock a god out.

jason stares at him with a raised brow before rolling his eyes and handing a giggling lian back over to him.

lian waves good bye with a happy 'bye uncle jason!'.

lian goes to her appointments, tim stops by for coffee and then roy takes them both out for ice cream afterwards.

the night roy is leaving the city tim texts him to meet on the hotel roof where red robin gives him a wonderful goodbye present.

roy has no idea who taught tim how to do that thing with his tongue but he will forever be grateful.

he and tim start texting agian. not as much photo exchange goes on like it did in the beginning. tim directs him to high-paying jobs that will keep him close to lian. tim asks about lian, about her recovery and how she's doing. what she liked.

a few days later packages with lian's favorite candies and flowers show up along with a little stuffed bird robin which accompanies her on her phsical therapy.

roy is probably toeing a very dangerous line. maybe for everyone else it would've been better if it was just sex. but now roy feels something.

he feels happy when he sees a text from tim. is excited to see him because he wants to know how he is.

a physical affair is one thing. roy gets the shit beat out of him for having one with tim and everyone moves on.

an emotional affair is a whole different ball park.

roy's hardly had a healthy relationship before in his life. he has...baggage. he has a kid. and tim is...fuck tim is still so young.

he has a whole life ahead of him and roy and...whatever they are would just be dead wight.

tim disagrees.

it's one of the first arguments they both have. tim insisting that he can make his own choices and mistakes and he whole heartedly believes that roy is nothing close to resembling a mistake.

roy tells him about the issues with all of this. how they started this when tim was just a kid and that was wrong, he knows that was wrong and out of everything he does regret doing that. but tim doesn't yield.

he tells roy what he feels. and they're all the things that roy feels. that happiness at the mention of him, that fluttery feeling in his gut when he sees him, that excitement when he talks to him.

tim likes roy just as he is. wants roys just as he is.

does roy want him too?

and maybe roy is selfish to snatch tim up when someone so much better could come along but....dammit roy wants to be selfish.

they don't sneak around like they used to.

tim refuses to sneak around with roy. he says it makes him feel like he should be ashamed of roy.

and he'd never be ashamed of being with roy.

they don't...explicitly tell anyone.

really everyone else kind of just assumes stuff about them.

if anyone sees them in gotham together they just assume roy is present for some jason related reason. when tim is seen in star city its gotta be for a case, right?

lian has her own room in tim's penthouse apartment. roy keeps his favorite brand of coffee beans and his toothbrush is in a cup beside tim's in his bathroom.

on christmas, a part is held at wayne manor and roy, pretty clearly, kisses tim under the mistletoe in front of several heroes.

more than a dozen people see tim lead roy up the stairs to his old bedroom.

tim is...fuck tim is roy's best relationship he's had so far. it's like a light of realization fills him and he thinks 'oh. this is what this is supposed to be like!'

roy and tim build something together. a nice little life. one with peace and support and love.

tim is one of the emergency contacts on lian's medical and school forms.

roy and red robin frequently team up outside of their respective cities. they have each other's backs. always.

both jason and dick tell roy they it's nice he gets along so well with their brother and part of roy burns to tell them that it's not just that.

roy's not sure how they could be more obvious.

they're definitely not hiding it or subverting it or trying to frame it as something with plausible deniability.

it's pretty obvious he and tim are together. even more obvious that they're fucking.

roy once read something about people being willfully blind or dense about things they didn't want to learn and honestly thinks that must be the case.

however not a single shred of doubt remains when tim tells his family and friends that he's pregnant.

at some point he and tim had stopped using condoms. they weren't exactly looking to get pregnant but wouldn't be against it if they did.

it's several months of roy fucking tim raw before it manages takes.

bruce stares at tim who is cutting up grapes for lian.

dick choked on the bite of a pear he took and is trying to clear his throat.

alfred is frozen where he's drying a plate.

damian is staring and jason shares his incredulous expresson.

the only one absolutely bursting with joy is lian.

"i'm gunna be a big sister?!"

that's when eyes fill with something. dots are connected, realizations are had, situations they'd walked in on now have new context.

"you fucked tim?" dick asked dangerously. "you got my little brother pregnant?"

roy is strategically placed beside tim who would absolutely never let anything happen to his sweet love and baby daddy.

"been fucking for years dick, keep up."

tim is newly 18. newly legal. now it's not just dick's eyes that are locked on roy like they're homing missiles.

okay so maybe his baby mama would let something happen to him.

in the end tim does protect him even with eyes and glares narrowed on him.

dick is muttering and glaring somehow stuck between a weird in between of celebratory for tim's pregnancy, indignance at the father, and indignance at tim being pregnant at 18.

jason, because he's roy's dearest friend and wants him to be happy, contents himself with a deep punch to the gut that leaves roy dry heaving over the toilet for half an hour.

bruce is not so easily swayed. roy knows bat are nosy but he learns exactly how much when batman posts enlarged photos of the nudes he and tim exchanged years ago, but some are more recent.

"how old were you here?" batman asks tensely.

tim raises a brow and asks if bruce really looked at his nudes and chat history with roy.

the rest of the family is staring up at the photos with gapes mouthes.

batman and tim get into an argument and the minute the word 'fourteen' slips out, jason is cocking his gun and pointing it at roy.

"well it really was nice knowing you, i don't say that to a lot of people just so you know."

tim slaps jason's arm but doesn't manage to stop the punch that dick threw that broke roy's nose.

the bats glare at roy as tim fusses over him in the medbay and throws occasional glares over his shoulder at dick who looks like he's wilting further with every look.

tim is a good talker. a better one than roy and within the hour roy's nose is splinted and bandaged and hazy with the fresh apologies from tim's brother's ringing in his ears.

now tim is a genuinely nice person. that doesn't mean he's not petty.

no one looks at them during breakfast after a night of being forced to listen to tim's cries as roy 'disrespected' tim in every possible way tim could think of.

now tim was a very smart person. so there were a lot.

#anonymous #asks #answered asks

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat!

i am here because i know you offer a listening ear and often some life advice, and i have something that is weighing on me heavily, and no one really to talk to about it right now.

sorry. this is long. cw for a short mention of suicidal thoughts ?

i have a friend. i HOPE they are still my best friend but im not sure anymore. we have known each other for 6 years and i love them immensely. we had semi-seriously joked about living together someday, and for years until a few months ago, if i was hanging out with a friend, it was them. they are an amazing person, super creative, kind, funny…! we get along like no one ive ever met before. i am also friends with their siblings and their parents.

a few months ago i noticed them changing a bit… more withdrawn… but i figured it was just, yknow, having other stuff, or something. problem is i developed… not a crush… i am aroace, so it isn’t romantic, but it is a deeper platonic love than i have ever felt before. i didn’t tell them cause they’re also aroace, and the only relationship they’ve ever been in caused a lot of trauma… i still don’t know the story there but i know it’s not good. so i decided… i will keep it to myself. but i daydreamed a lot about like, living together… cuddling with them… having them play with my hair. i have a complicated relationship with touch, so that was a big deal for me. but i resigned to never having this, which is okay, but it did cause me heartache.

months later. i go to hang out with them. some physical contact - laying on the ground next to each other, stuff like that. very nice for me. but as it turns out they are actually extremely touch averse - a combination of sensory problems and trauma. they like the IDEA of it but not the reality. so. we had a little discussions, of course i respect their boundaries, but again this causes me some heartache. which i wouldn’t ever tell them about because i wouldn’t want them to feel guilty for this.!

but after that… they don’t talk to me much for a while… they are acting more withdrawn… i know for a fact they were actually purposely avoiding me, lying to me… i see them frequently but i was afraid they didn’t like me anymore and didn’t want to be around me or be friends anymore… well i finally got up the nerve to text them and they said, you know, i am so sorry you felt that way, it isn’t you i am just dealing with some difficult things right now. so i was very relieved.

but still we don’t talk nearly as much… i am still so so afraid they don’t like me but i don’t KNOW. when i m with them it is okay but whenever i am alone… i think about it… and it causes me physical pain… i can’t sleep well, i can’t do my homework, i get sick from it… every time i am by myself… i miss them so much and everything in my life is a reminder of how it used to be… every song is one i used to share with them… my favorite blanket is one they gave me… even our characters had intertwining backstories… it is getting worse every day and i feel like i’m being eaten alive… i am becoming somewhat suicidal and that scares me because i thought i’d gotten through the worst of that but this is so, so much worse… i WON’T hurt myself or commit suicide but sometimes i wish to (again, i will not, that’s not a concern at this point, just that ive been having these thoughts at all).

i can’t stand not knowing if they like me anymore, if anything will ever be the same again, if i am alone and have to find my way to a new future without them in it… i am losing myself to this and i don’t know what to do…! i don’t know if it’s real or not… if i am making it up, if they are just going through stuff themself, i have been on-and-off convinced they are teaming up with a mutual friend to make me feel like this on purpose which OF COURSE they’re not except sometimes i think they are…

have talked about it with 2 important people in my life but not all of it… i am too scared to tell people how deeply i feel about my friend… i am scared of telling people many things about myself…

if you decide to answer, thank you… thank you for all you do for everyone here all the time… i have asked you things before and always i find myself doing better afterwards… so thank you so much. you are lovely and an inspiration to me to do better at boundary setting and similar things… thank you.

I think you gotta go to them and communicate something along the lines of "I have some desires and needs in this relationship which aren't being met, and we need to discuss whether that is something you are comfortable providing. If it isn't, then that doesn't make you a bad person at all, but then I will have to distance myself for a while to work through my own feelings"

#chat with kat #suicidal ideation tw #paranoia tw

[baelmoder]

it really is a godsend that nobody is here

i've always felt like i lived in a shadow, maybe of some building that nobody else could really see, despite all of them living within it. now i think that building is god, but it is a dead and uncaring god, or it is asleep, and i dont want to awaken it. everything is sunlight, and god is the sun, and sunlight burns me because i am unfit for it. who knows what kind of unholy bullshit is going to come out of that building when i tickle its belly the residents already hate me lets shelf that for a second lol

i left twitter, let's say, more than two years ago. i was on it for a few years? and before that i was basically never actually on social media. there were a few moments where i /tried/ to enter some community or another? like i joined a souncloud mashup server once (the atrium), and i briefly entered a discord for an anime essay channel, but i left and i got kicked out because i was saying ass backwards reactionary logic shit. so the biggest thing i ever did was Be Kae Dotmoe, and what that meant was, plunging blindly into anitwitter, orbiting around the plasuible deniability right wing podcaster losers like Polyphemus, until I found kayfaraday, resident extremely weird christian chiptune artist who at least creatively had the same affect as me, of the sort of nonsensical schizophrenia on which postmodernist ficiton thrives and upon which fascism subsists. nazism, like, relies on genocide to build the pyramids, and relies on people like me to put aliens in its thrusters.

and then i met good people. i met a bunch of lesbian lolicons is the insulting thing to call them. i like women, and i am a girl, and i hate the world of adults so id like to think we were cut from the same cloth? but maybe because i still have something i havent gotten diagnosed, which i doubt because ive met therians, ive met littles, ive met people with adhd and bpd and clinical schizophrenia, people who are plural and shit. but i havent met people like me. they couldnt put up with it. i hurt them a lot. so i had to leave. also i got bored of the nazis when they started being predictable, and also, like, obviously evil and wanting me dead i guess but who doesnt right.

So i left, not for Drama and not for Discourse, but because, like much of my life, i felt like i wasnt welcome and i wasnt making much of it. also? I just couldnt handle it anymore. i grew incredibly jealous, it made me feel physically sick to see people happy. to be themselves, to be with the people they loved. to do things that expressed this happiness about themselves and others, and the things they shared. i lived more than an ocean away. it felt like i never had a chance, and that feeling overwhelmed me. i've always been living under the ocean, but i guess the submarine depressurised? i dont know. im still alive anyway, im here, but its so quiet now. anyway, i was also getting really paranoid, on one hand nobody talked about me so i was going to die alone and never get to be kae, on the other hand the few people who did were surely badmouthing me in places i wasnt invited to. they let me hang around but i was never invited to the parties. i know of this metaphor because i read it in american stories about school children and stuff. i dont relate to it personally because when i was in school i didnt even "get to hand around". the only two people i talked to was a kid with aspergers and a furry. we talked about ytp and mlp. well, the point is, they dont talk to me anymore anyway. i randomly came out to a schoolmate i knew from back then? i helped her out a few times? I printed her musical score, she was in chinese orchestra. i asked for a favour in return, that being a hug. i didnt love her or anything, i just really needed it? and in all that time twitter is basically over anyway. tumblrs still alive, but like. im not Doing A Thing. Im never going to Do A Thing again. im "over it".

i guess what im really getting to, though, is, im trying to figure out what I /Am/ or what Im /For/. like, what is this machine or tool or toy built for. Me and keffie clicked, we hella schizoposted? I wasnt putting it on. i know the nazis are completely disingenous but theres a trace of genuine fun behind all the larping, costumes is fun. but i wasnt even slightly cynical, i was really just.. fully sincerely and desperately myself, all the time. i cant help but be myself, even if myself never works. so like Im SOMETHING, that nervous energy and constant bullshit and rambling sentences and trying to link concepts. and yea? I figured out im a girl? Im like, another one of the million trans girls with a mommy kink who identifies with being a puppy but who still likes cock or whatever. im not denying that im not special, i dont hate to be one of many. but also im a failure, even around these people. i cant live up to them, even if theyre nothing to honour. they hate me, because im marked by something i cant even see. So like, what is that

Why, even when i found an ensemble cast, do i never succeed in contributing to the narrative? to canon or episodic structure? Im like an npc, im a wandering trader,the comic relief, except not very well liked anyway. im like if the doctor told me to see the master clown pagliacci but i was jared leto. i dont fit here. i didnt feel right, when i was in the army. i dont feel right when im working right now, in a medical lab. i couldnt fit in with the girls even when they were closer to me than any other group of people i could classify.

so, really, i think im starting to get sympathetic to machines, to ai. i briefly edated a schizotypal adhd trans girl (lol hi vicky) and she was talking about like, uhhhh, D&G and like, machines. I didnt like Machine because machine + autism to me always sounded very teleological, very speicfically western philosophy and consequently Science as we know it, the modern material physical consensus reality thingamagic with dialectical monism. but im getting it now maybe

Im not built, for being around people, or relevant. I was born, to be put in a plastic box, in the middle of nowhere, with holes on all sides, where, among a nest of scaffolding structures, unlimited paper, plush toys and string, i develop weapons of mass destruction in magic systems that have never existed and will never come to exist. and every once in a while, id be let out, for a walk, or for a treat, and to remember long lost friends, who spin in axes i cannot comprehend in a magic system i cannot understand

[lunar-lair]

Oooh, can I hear about "Note: Hands and Heart Required for this Recipe"?

figured id answer these at the same time since you both asked! also hi charlie lmao @teenagemutantninjatrauma dw the masses will get to see the donnie madness. also adding a read more bc frankly this got LONG i really like this wip so i ended up talking abt it WAY too much alkfsdj

this is a little baking fic ive been putting together! the idea is that donnie starts out being offended that people in baking videos say macarons are hard and tries to make them with a stand mixer he made himself. he Fails Horrifically. then he goes back to brownies, and is Instantly compelled by the kind of science that baking entails. the thing as a whole is kinda of...it turns into a coping mechanism, for him to say, i have something other than tech, another way for him to be useful, a way to support emotionally as well as physically. hell make muffins when leo seems crabby, hell make bread when mikey has been down, hell make cake when raph's smile is straining, and hell smile the whole time, hell put his weight into kneading that dough, hell put his heart into this. thats why its called that! its kinda like those notes at the beginning of recipes like 'btw youre gonna need a stand mixer and a springform pan for this' but saying 'welcome to baking! pick up your heart and hold it close, and make sure your hands are ready, because while machines can do what we can, whats the point? dont give me that look, youll understand soon enough.'

initially this was going to be a oneshot but it QUICKLY evolved. i havent even finished writing the brownies part and its already about 4k. also leo appeared and made himself Known as he always does, so its a lot of disaster twins so far. i do have some of this one written though, so i can find a snippet! lemme see, uhhh...ok you guys are getting at LEAST two i cant choose. here, this first one is from earlier on, it points out the earlier reasoning/the theming kinda well:

He finally threw his hands in the air after an hour of this, giving a loud ‘UGH!’ and pausing it, setting his work aside. “Fine!” He huffed, stomping over to his blueprints table. “If you’re so insistent that it’s so difficult, I guess I’ll have to prove you wrong!” He’d already been proven wrong so many times that his tech, his projections, his work couldn’t stand up to a challenge. That it would crumble under the grasp of the sharp claws of a demon, or the megaton punch of a battle suit.  He was 15, and he was sore, and he wanted to prove himself.   Well, he’d thank himself later, but for now, he pulled out the blueprints and called, “Shelldon, pull up schematics for commercial stand mixers.” He’d proven he could do better, with Shelldon and with Raph’s eye and his shells.  He could do something as simple as this. 

dont ask me how shelldon is alive i didnt think that hard abt it. just . the robots alive get used to it. this next snippet is later on, and is more on the disaster twins/donnie knowing his family kind of side

Leo leaned back and curled into himself, hand rubbing at the back of his neck, eyes averted. Jeez, he really felt bad, huh? Well, in that sorry, man way and not I’m sorry I’m not good enough way, but still. “But this seems like you’re really getting into, you know? I didn’t wanna criticize you right when you started out. “ Donnie thought, for a moment.  A lot of times, Leo did things because he was projecting.  This was, often, perfectly fine. He rarely did it in a bad way, but in this sort of sense? When he was saying, I didn’t want to criticize you right when you’re starting out? Leo knew Donnie could take criticism.  It’s Leo who can’t.  And Donnie can still remember Raph asking if Leo could really memorize all that medical knowledge, and Mikey asking for Raph instead, and Donnie having to guide him through a lot of the bigger words, getting frustrated now and then.  Or when he started drinking tea, and they all called him an old man, because they expected him to bounce back, to bite back, to be fine with it.  Or when he got his first scarf from April and Donnie asked him why he was still wearing it around 2 days later. (Hypocrite.)  And he wondered why they rarely saw him drinking tea even if the bags dwindled, why those scarves disappeared for a year or two. 

ok i was lying take ONE more snippet. i really like this doc it all came together pretty well even if it isnt quite finished yet/i wrote it at 8-10 pm the night after an all nighter

The whole time, Leo had this smile on, a little childish and fun. Not…not quite as blinding as it had been in the past, or as blinding as it might ever be again, but big and bright and simply excited. Like eating the brownies his brother made by hand was the only thing on his mind.  It settled something worried and loving and warm in a corner of Donnie’s heart, the same something that settled when he made machines and modified security and kept careful watch when he noticed something amiss.  He let it happen, let it settle, let this be warm.  Leo was the one who was sent to tell the others there were brownies, because he was excited and Donnie had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to sit still around them while they cooled for longer than the two minutes he had already been sitting there.  Donnie only chuckled something fond under his breath as he gathered up some small plates. 

my favorite thing about this doc is just. leos so excited the whole time and its this part of him i dont get to discuss NEARLY enough when i write. hes so bouncy the WHOLE time and its genuinely perfect. donnie agrees, too, so it all works out, hehe.

#fun fact donnie used to be my fav #leo only became my fav in like...december? like of 2022 #the disaster twins have always been my little guys tho and donnie and me are autistic in a lot of similar ways #so hes pretty easy for me to write #this whole idea is pretty loosey goosey i dont really have an outline or anything its just floatin around in my brain mostly #its one of those things you just Write yk #lunas lies

[murdoc]

this is a weird post to make, but i dont really have many places to say it and i wanna share my thoughts Somewhere lol

so i found my dad after more than a decade of being out of contact with him (probably since 2010? at latest, very early 2011). or rather, after every few years of searching for a little while and coming up fruitless, he made a new facebook less than three weeks ago and i just happened to get Really lucky timing.

just before him i had also found my (former) step sister + mom, as well as my half sister (all sisters younger than me and previously i couldnt find), and.. its a strange experience to finally see people who used to be so close to you in your life show uo again, visibly older and doing their own thing.

its hard to explain.. its almost like youve woken up from a coma. you have memories and have had dreams of these people for years and years and during that time you never really realized that the image you have of them was one trapped in amber; even when youre cognizant of the passage of time, your mind just can't take into consideration the individualized process of aging, both physically and where the passage of time will take them and their relationships. you realize these people are now essentially strangers to you.

my (former) step mom has remarried again and has her own set of children (again), one of my step uncles ended up passing away, my step sister is no longer how i remembered her in 2007 from one of the few photos i have of her in my possession and is posting hippie white woman stuff on her feed, my half sister doesnt share my last name (paternal) anymore, nor her mother or new husband's, whom she is having a child with. i was able to figure out it was her because of the name and how she looks strikingly like her mom and has photos with my dad in them.

my dad himself has aged significantly since he's last shared a photo of himself anywhere. he used to always wear hats, but in a new photo he's got solid white hair despite being in his early 40s and is balding (HE did this to me..) and finally learned what glasses suit his face better LMAO. honestly, he looks better now than he ever did when i've seen him. which i think was one of the biggest shockers because god he looked so lame. this also gives me hope for myself B)

the thing i noticed the most though is how "normal" him and my half sisters turned out. granted, he was always so much more put together than my mother-- i'm sure thats why they didnt really like each other lmao. but, while im not sad about my life, even if it's definitely different than i assumed for my age, i can't help but wonder where i'd be if i had allowed myself to overcome the fear of my mother and went to go live with my dad like we had planned in 2008 or 2009.

however, just from how hard it has been to piece together the state of that side of my family, i don't think any speculation could even be remotely accurate. ive also never really been one to dwell on what could be anyway. at the end of the day i cant undo how horrific my childhood was, but i can make steps to grow from it and learn to love who i am and where i am now.. for how cheesy that sounds 😭

i am glad i finally got a bit of closure on this though. i knew my dad was still around somewhere, but not knowing anything beyond "he's alive" for so long left me with a lot of questions, now mostly answered. it's nice to know he seems to be doing good and that he's there for my younger sisters (not sure about my step sister, but i have an additional half sibling that i never met beyond a few times as a toddler and it seems she's fine too). i know that social media doesn't tell all and is usually finely curated to share the best moments, but i'm saying this in comparison to my mother who would never in a million years do what he seems to be doing.. down to having custody of his kids LMAO.

i don't think i'll ever reach out to any of them though. i know my dad still thinks of me once in a blue moon, as he's dedicated a birthday post to me some years ago on a now deleted profile, but if you can imagine.. i think my change in the last 13 years or so is a bit more drastic than just growing up. not to mention they have their own lives going on and it all seems just fine.

i guess if he ever does try to find me, he'll find out that my former step uncle (different one who is still alive) who teased him about only having girls was wrong LMAO. but i dont think he could ever find me unless he got in contact with my older sister who isn't doing too hot rn, or my mother.... and if it's my mom he goes through, i sure as hell hope he thinks finding his now son was worth it. i sure as hell wouldnt go through talking with my mom if i was him.

i dont think i ever made a post so long and detailed about my life on here??? if someone fsr actually read this... hi :) why did you do that? you are silly

#diary #very long and personal post. you can read it idc but its primarily about finding my father and there is a quick death mention Unrelated

[tethered-heartstrings]

Hiyaa, im curious about a something regardin episode "Dolce". If ever you've already had a similar question to this or have answered this question, please just redirect me to that post and im more than haooy to read it! Im new to this fandom, i literally just discovered hannibal and watched all seasons of it in one sitting because of a fanfiction of them (hannigram) i hyperfixated on ff before watching the actual show and i have a rough idealized version of hannigram before watching the show. A major part of that is will being hannibal's only exception in terms of murder to eventually cannibalism. I expected gaslighting, manipulation, everything but actually killing will. i dont know why it took me this long to actually find answer to the question thats been bugging my mind since ive finished the show maybe because i figured some ff will delve into this topic but nope so far they have not and that's why im here. You probably guessed what scene it is already but its the scene where hannibal literally but a sawing machine through will's skull in an attempt to kill him. I wanted to know what you think of that scene and your interpretation on why hannibal was willing to kill will despite already professing his love and have a generally good vibes reunion in the museum. I think hannibal's was just bitter at will because of the whole betrayal thing but i still didn't expect the killing will after all that. So this whole scene was just very confusing for me, magbe its because i have not enough braincells to math the math here.

There is a lot to unpack so hopefully I am able to hit all your inquiry points.

For one, Hannibal had not confessed his love to Will. He accepted the fact what he was feeling was truly love. It is a very different kind of love than what he had for his sister Mischa (obviously - familial vs romantic), but it was still love. And arguably, the only person he has truly loved since Mischa was Will. When he lost Mischa, Hannibal ate her. He loved her. What do you do to someone you love? You eat them. This was prompted by Bedelia, but I do think they saw it in very different ways. Bedelia saw the violence of it, and Hannibal saw the tenderness. Now, Hannibal did not lose Will as he lost Mischa; Will was still alive. But in a way, Will was still lost to him. Will had betrayed Hannibal, and Will was not next to him on the plane to Italy as he should have been. In a way, if Hannibal killed him, then he could control the permanent loss of Will and cannibalize him in the same act. He lost Mischa tragically, she was taken from him. But if Hannibal did the taking, then the loss might not hurt or linger quite as much. Hannibal likes to be in control. Also there is a bit “if I can’t have you, no one else can” and “I can be the only one to kill you” mentality. Killing Will would prevent any more betrayal, and Hannibal could do so in a way that best suited him and his future memories. Will would not be torn away but incorporated. 

Which brings me to the point of: why eat him at all? Cannibalism is a form of love. We see Hannibal also kill and eat people who are rude, but there is a difference. It is all about the intent. In a way, Hannibal doesn’t see the latter as cannibalism, because cannibalism requires the consumer and the meal to have been equals in life. Hannibal sees his victim as pigs, as livestock, best put to something useful such as food. But, Hannibal also consumes out of love. We see that with Mischa and we see an attempt of that with Will. Imagine incorporating someone you love into you? Their flesh, their life, becoming fuel for you. Their fats and proteins and carbohydrates broken down to give you ATP, energy for the next day? You can cook the, with care, one last gesture of tenderness. To make them into their favorite meal. You cannot be as physically close to someone as you are after eating them. They literally become a part of you. Eating Will would be the most honored meal Hannibal could have. He would not share it with anything. He would use every last piece he could. Savoring and remembering Will with every movement of his jaw, every swallow.

As far as the good vibes at Uffizi, there is a lot to unpack in that scene. It was a reunion and a final goodbye. Will went to to meet him there with a knife in his coat; he had plans to kill him before he even entered the building. He had plans to kill him back in Lithuania. he got shoved off a train because violence is what he knows. He still chose violence. At the same time, Hannibal had planned on eating him before then, too. They both had plans to end the other. So the feeling was gentle, like a calm before the storm. But it would not stay that way. It couldn’t. Hannibal got the upperhand, so his plan was initiated.

I made a post about why Hannibal chose his brain. But, Hannibal had spent so much of his time getting to know Will, figuratively dissecting his brain to get at the very core of him. It’s poetic to decide to eat his brain first. It’s the part that is the essence of who Will is. Every nerve connection makes up the personality and morals and memories of a person. The entirety of a person encased within the skull. The control for every movement and choice and action. Sure, Hannibal left his marks on Will’s body, but he left an impression in his mind, too. Hannibal lived in there and always would. He did not hear Will say they were blurred when he made the decision to eat his brain (I believe this was made before the Uffizi scene), but it’s a concept he already knew. Also, once you get past the skin and bone, the brain itself does not feel pain. It’s also one single organ you can eat piece by piece, deciding what functions to keep for the rest of the body, and really control how long they stay alive (to a point, sometimes biology just quits). Will tried to cut Hannibal from his life, so maybe Hannibal was cutting himself out for Will. Or maybe it’s because he is a psychiatrist and it’s fitting. He stopped being an ER surgeon to become a psychiatrist because he no longer needed to worry about his patients dying on him, and now he was implementing both professions. Or maybe it was symbolism for prion disease that lives within the brain. A small, misfolded, naughty little protein that takes over and causes madness; and diseases often associated with cannibalism. Will got inside him too, changing him as much as he changed Will. Something seemingly so simple yet so dangerous and complex.

#ceexreverse #the curious clown

[korships]

. neg not about irl

more omi theorizing???

LONG LOL

(not joking this is long as shit)

also some personal stuff under the cut abt me

think i could legit write an essay on how the game portrayed omis guilty conscious and how the stage play portrayed it

Omi is very, very heavily implied to suffer from ptsd

in the game, he had nightmares, heavily implied he had them often. where his late friend came to him, blaming him for his death and the crash. cursing him for living the life he was supposed to live.

the stage play held the same message, but it was presented as him being awake. so either a metaphorical phantom voice, or manifestation of his own guilt, or a hallucination. (ive never seen translations for the stage play, and it differs from the game, so i cannot conclusively state which it is, nor do i know if the stage play stated which it was)

BUT imo, hallucinations are the most likely choice. because he had a very physical reaction, more than to what he’s shown to the negative thoughts he’s had for years at this point. he clutched his head in his hands and crouched onto the floor, he also verbally responded to it. my Japanese is not Good but to the voice he was hearing he very loudly, very distraughtly said something along the lines of “I GET IT! I KNOW! I ALREADY KNOW!”.

people react differently to hallucinations based on how much they’re still attached to reality or how far their psychosis has progressed. omi seemed perfectly aware what he was hearing was not real, able to quickly interact w/ banri seconds after this happened, even putting on a reassuring smile.

whoever wrote the stage script wasnt thinking about this nearly as much as i am but as a psych-student with a decade of experiencing hallucinations I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS

like. i wonder what the frequency of his hallucinations was, or since his reaction was so freaked out, it mightve been a new occurrence for him. i wonder if being the lead of a play for the first time brought up those feelings usually his nightmares present to him, but as something he can’t brush off as easily.

a/3s story structure is a detriment sometimes because it cannot consistently work on character development. because by the end of the first autumn play its implied that omi has finally taken on acting as his own dream, and not his late friends anymore, i cant help but think getting cast as lead would dredge up such conflicting emotions for him.

the stranger itself also drips with symbolism; like for one its not subtle that Omi chose his old gang nickname as the name for the character he plays. the attitude of the character he plays in the stranger is very similar to the few flashbacks we get of him in his gang days. I think it also represents a few ways he sees himself; especially upon first introduction he was very reluctant to accept compliments. he was a very warm and kind man, but he didnt view himself as that, he had a much more cynical biew of himself and to an extent the world too.

the strangers setting is literally a world where plant life has been destroyed, and the co-lead plays one of a few people who have plant life dna. plant life is almost always symbolic for life as a whole, for survival and hope.

the two characters w/ the most acting experience in the troupe both are those w/ plant life dna in the play. symbolic of acting being a hope for omi, a place where he feels alive and not like he has to live in the clutches of his own guilt, or the self-imposed shadow of his late friend.

his character, wolf, in the stranger choosing to save, zero, the character w/ plant life dna despite not originally wanting to deal w/ her shows an acceptance of past and future. wolf, symbolic of his past, his lack of ambitions and hope. zero, a representation of future, hopes, life, close companionship.

not the stranger related. but and kinda just a hc. i think another reason he holds a spot so close to his heart for cooking and food is because he took it for granted. he was forced into a parental role young, having to cook for his brothers and father. he might not have ever resented it, but it mightve felt more like a chore. the scar on his chin suggests a jaw injury during the motorcycle accident, that mightve left him unable to eat a proper meal while in the hospital and recovering.

anyways

#this is not coherent but nothing i ever say about him is so its okay

[piggybonez]

my dad called me tonight to tell me happy birthday and ive gone my whole life feeling like i don’t really have a dad bc when he wasn’t physically absent he was emotionally absent but we literally talked for an hour and a half and i didn’t feel like I had to pretend the whole time. I told him that I have autism, that I’ve been struggling in school my whole life, and he’s still proud of me even though I dropped out. It feels good to be able to have a conversation with my dad for the first time. My heart hurts for him so bad. When he was 21 his brother died at 23 from drugs and I can’t imagine dying this soon. I also can’t imagine losing one of my siblings this soon. My family has been through so much. But I know the more I heal and break generational patterns the more I can have hope for my dad. He may be an alcoholic with problems but he at least has a better grip on reality than my mom ever will and for that I’m thankful. I’m just thankful I got to talk to him tonight, im thankful we actually had a good conversation and I could enjoy his company over the phone. I’m thankful he could listen to me talk and I could also listen to him.he may not get everything i have to say and I may have to have patience when it comes to getting him to understand me but I’m going to try my best. I’m going to try to not only be patient but also to be kind. Even when I get mad or frustrated with him I can’t give up. I don’t have much for family but I do have something, and that something means something and I don’t want to just abandon it or throw it away because it’s not perfect or stable.…and maybe as time goes on we can be closer and I won’t feel like such an orphan. I love my dad. I really genuinely love my dad. He works harder than anyone else I know. He’s had a hard life. He doesn’t have anyone besides his kids. I think it will be healing for both of us to have a relationship with each other. I have to appreciate the present for what it is and try. I have to be hopeful for the future. I don’t want to waste what years I have left being angry and disconnected from someone who loves me, even if I haven’t always felt loved by him. Even if a part of me is angry and resentful for the lack of presence throughout my childhood. I was convinced that my parents knew nothing. Nothing about me, nothing about the world, nothing about themselves. But sometimes my dad does know a thing or two and sometimes he does say things to me that feel like wisdom or advice. Like learning how to let go and move on with the future. I’m hurting a lot for the life my family never got to live. I feel so much guilt for being in the place I am now and for saying the things I’ve said to my parents. I told my mom to k!ll h3rself once. And even though I do think she’d be better off that way sometimes I regret it so much. I feel guilty and bad because she’s had such a hard life and I don’t want her to do that and I do admire her for still being alive through it all but she traumatizes everyone around her so bad she’s just fucking unbearable to even speak to for more than two minutes. Anyway I needed to express that I love my dad and that I’m thankful I have at least one parent in my life that can wish me a happy birthday and remind me that I’m loved. I love you dad and I’m proud of you and I’m thankful for all the ways you’ve provided for me and worked so hard…I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful to be loved. I am thankful for my dad. I don’t want to lose him ever.

#personal journal

[punkscowardschampions]

Cali & Marly & Group Chat & Barly

Ali: [Private to Carly, probably the day after the Johnny kiss and leave drama because you’re needing the rest of the day to try and process that]

Ali: I’ve made [some kind of diet treat Carly’s mother would approve of, probably vaguely alcoholic, full hun behaviour, you know the drill] to say thank you to [said mother] I’ll drop them on my route, if that’s cool

Carly: its grand she’ll be 😁🥰🤗 but you know u didnt need to worry yourself saying nothing 💛👼🌟🧚‍♀️✨🐝🌞💛🌻 she loves u its never no bother

Ali: ah this was no bother neither, besides, it was properly short notice yesterday and I wasn’t feeling the 🌞

Carly: 🥺☔️😢🌈

Carly: Im here if you wanna talk about the 🌞💛 going

Ali: I should’ve prepared for it, I thought I had

Ali: he was okay, better than that, even but it still was hard to see, you know?

Carly: I dont reckon theres no preparing for some things baby, much as I hate it for u

Ali: I reckon you’re right 🐇

Ali: and maybe I’m just being judgmental, sure, is he any more out his head than we get when we want or need?

Ali: Just looks different in a hospital

Carly: I shouldve put aside the fear theyd lock me up & come w you, I’m sorry

Carly: Im being a bad friend of late like

Ali: You never are, there’s been lots going on in your 🌍 too

Carly: nothing that matters like you reconnecting w your brother its massive & 🌍🌱

Ali: It should be

Ali: and it is, one of those things you thought would feel bigger and 💗 though, I think

Ali: I’m going to go see him regularly now so

Carly: ah sure it was only the 1st visit though you’ve to give it time for your magic to work is what mine’s saying 💙🔮💜

Ali: I’ll be ready next time, you’re right 🎯

Carly: & I’m serious about coming if youve need of it, phobia or no, ILY more than I could ever be scared

Ali: You’ll make me cry, in my fragile state

Ali: I wish your mum liked better baked goods so you could enjoy them more too now 🥺🥺

Carly: I cant be risking myself going to shit for 🍩🥧🍪🧁 physical state of me is as fragile as your emotional 😅

Ali: You’re perfect, I hope Moses is reminding you

Carly: you’ll make me 😳🍨

Carly: only u cos u know hes not saying things to me like how you are

Ali: but he makes you feel it, or as close to it as any of us do

Carly: he makes me feel alive

Carly: maybe cos hes after killing me most the time ❤️💜💙 idk but still 

Ali: We like alive

Ali: 💀💀💀 only in the good ways

Carly: hes pure class @ them ways, give the lad that

Ali: And he’s still looking after you, how we said, yeah?

Carly: ive not been 🔥💀👻 yet

Ali: Did you tell your ma what was said, what did she reckon about it all?

Carly: sure look we all reckon bb’s full of it 👶😭 she says he’ll calm if go for him next 💚

Ali: I don’t wanna 🌍☄️ but I had heard talking that it might be a bit more serious than that, could be

Carly: nobody grown’s talking, never are or [her mum] would be 🔥💀👻 donkey’s back for her carry on 😅

Carly: its yer man there cos I’ll not tell him hes a ride & I love him

Ali: What if it is about her carry on too, like it’s all being counted now

Carly: my da’s to be counted for us not having been moved on, his 👻 & her craic for what a decent non gorja fella he were 🙃 its k

Ali: Do the elders buy it, like 🌹✨

Carly: ah no but long as he no shows to claim hes true some fella working down the kebab or the like, what are they to say?

Carly: if she don’t have the knowing herself who he is they cant tell her who he isnt

Ali: You’ve a point 🤞

Carly: he could be a traveller sure as not 🌹✨ I like to think its so

Ali: He’s left it sos he could be anyone to you

Carly: if only for the wind up of em lads I deserve it

Ali: Serious

Carly: will we talk about yours?

Ali: My daddy?

Ali: I’m not sure I like where that’s going 😆

Carly: you’re gas but u know well I mean your boy there who was after taking you for joe til he wasnt 

Ali: I don’t know what to say about it, or him

Carly: you could start yourself on whats the meaning of the one way cos you didnt walk to [the name of the place where the psych ward is]

Ali: We got that far, like

Ali: can’t make much chit-chat on a bike going [whatever ‘cos undoubtedly you’re speeding, not meant to be on it anyhow at your age]

Carly: & he got himself 😤😠 over what when yous came off for being there?

Ali: God, nothing more tragic than recounting your failed attempts at flirting, is there? 😶💀

Ali: That was before, then we left it, he said he’d still take us but he shouldn’t of

Carly: I’m sorry he dont know you’re perfect or how 🐇🍀🌠 hes youve an eye for him out of everyone u could have your pick of

Ali: I know it’s stupid, how much he hates us but he doesn’t stick to it, my head is still spinning

Carly: hes ✂️ from same cloth as mosey to be sure, my god that boy hates me til he dont I feel 😵‍💫 its work making him like me at all

Ali: at least you’ve found a way, I feel clueless now 

Carly: your body isnt gonna be the thing for johno, well it is but he wont say thats as true as it is for any lad, he’ll act hes 😤😠 if you send him pics or throw yourself his way 

Ali: He threw his self at me 

Ali: then he was really 😤😠

Carly: oh now theres sense

Ali: Shall we just run away and never think about them again?

Carly: away w ye for ��� youll let him win

Carly: hows he to get what he wants & not you? I reckon not, baby, we’ll be staying 🌼🌻

Ali: 😣

Ali: Ack, it was so good

Carly: I know, I felt your 😣 before u put it there

Ali: He’s after being good, doing what he needs to do

Carly: ah, it’s a con, hes allowed to fuck gorja girls morning to night, theyre all allowed to do as they please from cradle to grave its only the girls who cant

Ali: Then he’s just not after me 😒🤕

Carly: its that hes after stopping the others being w me & he cant if hes on you

Carly: its my fault im sorry 

Ali: He shouldn’t be so concerned with telling them their business, that’s him, not you

Carly: hes always reckoned im a manky wagon idk, that’s on [her mum] maybe, but she’d be sorry for it to u too if she had the knowing

Ali: Please don’t, this has got to stay between us only 🔒

Carly: 😶🤞💛 id never say a word to hurt u or stand against something youre after

Carly: id rid myself of my 👅 1st & ive much need of it

Ali: I can’t have that

Ali: ✂️ away, it’s all his loss, not ours

Carly: what are we to do then?

Ali: 💭☁️👻🦷🤍

Ali: Party

Carly: grand ive caught the 🌞 enough to look unreal in 🤍

Ali: I don’t mind looking ghostly and fading into the background

Carly: oh please you could never fade & yer man john boy isnt gonna have you reckoning its so

Ali: if he’s a 🐺 Ro is like, a husky

Carly: hes a 🐜 sorry

Ali: ☹️ ughhh

Carly: you can pick what moses is to 🌻😁🌞💛 yourself some idc

Ali: 🦟 is the only suitably rude comparative 

Carly: I love it 😅

Carly: he does make me 🩸🍓❤️ sure enough

Ali: Are we to be ashamed of our awful taste 👅 

Ali: I’m all scuffed and scraped and I just want to see him again so badly 

Carly: Shames for folk like your poor daddy who’ve no say being born to it & keeping it in em 💔🙏📿⛪️💔 you’re wild & free 🐅🧡

Carly: we’ll get him for u 💜🔮💙 he wants it as bad theres no for proper y not

Ali: I don’t know but being wild and free will help me get over it otherwise 🐅🧡

Ali: don’t need to force it 🧘‍♀️

Carly: ive known the boy forever I know what he likes its why he hates me this much

Ali: We’re the same, in his 👀🌍 

Carly: he wishes but he cant 👀 u like that cos we’re not & hes 😤😠😡

Ali: You’re great, he’s an idiot

Carly: hes not wrong for that 💭

Carly: I’m 🌚 to your 🌞

Ali: 🌇🌃

Ali: Can I stay when I swing by? I’m doing nothing here except over💭

Carly: u dont ever need to be asking

Ali: Usually but I’m 😣😖 rn

Carly: its k ill 💭 how to calm you down

Ali: 🍃💚

Carly: on your 🚲 w ye 🧚🏼‍♀️💚

Ali: 💨💨

Carly: [just putting a note here that we’re doing a timeskip so it’s some time before Ronan’s bday not immediately after the convo we just did or when we read it back in the future we’ll be like ?? what]

Carly: u @ work still?

Moses: thereabouts

Carly: 🥺 til when?

Moses: Don’t know, not like wes work to a schedule or to anyone’s pockets but our own

Carly: yea k true

Moses: then we’re going out, it’s [some club night, idk]

Carly: wes being only the lads is it?

Moses: Not the elders, like

Moses: except for [the cringe uncle, we all know the vibes]

Moses: You wouldn’t get in anyway

Carly: i’m not after the - craic from [cringe uncle] you’re grand 😅

Moses: That I am 👍

Carly: later then like 

Moses: Don’t wait up

Carly: tell your mammy that one there

Moses: I don’t still live with mine

Carly: mine would get us in

Moses: I’m after her craic just as much

Carly: i got you, boy unless weve 💪🍆 youre not after us coming

Moses: No one is after taking lasses to the club, just taking ‘em home

Carly: how I said ⬆️ ive worked out what the craic is

Moses: Your mam ain’t it

Carly: she’ll be 💔🥺💔😢💔😭💔 youre her fave 

Moses: Like you, she don’t have them

Carly: ah sure u know youre mine too

Moses: Give over

Carly: why are u giving out about it? u like it

Moses: That’s not what we are, let’s not play that game

Carly: idk why u want what we are is to be us not liking each other

Moses: we like each other for what we need to

Carly: yea & youre giving me what I need so youre my fave

Moses: When I’ve got nothing or no one better on, ‘course

Carly: k no its your turn to give over cos i drop what I’ve on for you all the time

Moses: yeah and you wanna, not asking you more than once

Carly: yea I wanna cos I like you y are u 😤😠 @ me for it today?

Moses: I’m busy

Carly: sorry ill 👋💙 til youre less 🌺🐝🍯

Moses: [just don’t respond rudely]

Carly: [he’s a charmer, go have your own fun girl either with Ali or with Drew and Caleb or all of the above, you’ll be posting about it making him mad but not to make him mad, not even for his benefit really cos we’re trying to be chill about this and keep busy too]

Moses: [when you always do the wrong thing, god bless girl, love that for you]

Carly: [hope you’re FUMING sir, couldn’t be more deserved]

Moses: [setting up the lovely atmosphere for this party nicely mwahaha]

Carly: [poor Ronan, between Moses and Johnny that’s half these lads that don’t wanna be at his bday]

Moses: [I imagine this is standard, someone’s always got beef with someone, you just don’t know why until Moses just tells you he’s bored of Carly and throws her at you]

Carly: [clearly these boys are always kicking off at each other about something the way these type will]

Moses: [mhmm, god bless the mess, constant source of drama]

Moses: [anyway, hi groupchat at Ronan’s party, here we go]

Moses: Birthday boy, where are you 🎁

Ronan: [Wherever he is], me and Ali… 

Ronan: should I be legging it from this 🎁 of yours?

Moses: Best get rid of her, you’ll like it but you won’t want the audience 

Ronan: Do I even like the sound of it? 

Moses: Come on, you can’t be a baby about it now, big man

Ronan: Ah, what’s going on, to be sure I don’t know what you’re giving a lash here

Moses: Presents are meant to be surprises, play the game

Ronan: Yeah, true enough, I’ll play

Moses: Go on over to my trailer, everyone’s been booted ‘cept 1

Ronan: [when he is just gonna go because bless this boy he’s a bit slow on the uptake here]

Moses: [me like God I hope you went alone]

Ronan: [I feel like he would’ve because he was told to, oh boy I’m so soz that this is occurring, like you could say no, Carly isn’t gonna force you THAT hard but still]

Moses: [you know if you walked out immediately that he’d know/Lord knows who else would know you hadn’t done it and this is peer pressure as we can all see here]

Moses: You’re welcome, brother

Ronan: [also he wouldn’t wanna reject Carly like that cos they are friends and she was his first kiss when they were younger as Carly said so walking out immediately like ew no would be brutal, and yeah, the peer pressure and pisstaking would feel worse and last longer than just getting this over with from his POV]

Ronan: Thanks a million, Mosey boy

Carly: no need to say it to me too & make yourself 😳

Moses: As you can see, you’ve done us a massive favour too 👌👌

Carly: wow 😍🥰😘

Carly: thanks I get from u there boy

Moses: You got yours 

Carly: yea, your brother is glad of my massive favours idk how hes been raised better than you 😅

Moses: Give him chance to go get something better, he’s had five minutes 🍒

Ronan: Come on, give over will yous 

Carly: im sorry ro, mosey has no party spirit idk where hes left it like

Moses: Don’t be speaking for me

Moses: You enjoy your party, kid

Carly: ❤️😶💙 then you can stop being after falling out w me both of yous

Ronan: I’m not, Carls

Moses: There you go

Carly: there I go, yea 🥳🎀🎊✨🎉🎆🎇

Moses: s’good thing you’re not kept around for your brain

Carly: whats the damage w yours?

Moses: How off her face was you mam whilst you were inside her, it’s genuinely not possible to be this thick and not a little special with it, Christ

Carly: go & ask her as youre on one to ruin the party so bad

Moses: I’d sooner pluck my eyes out than talk to that woman

Carly: 🙄 & you tell me I lay it on thick

Moses: If anyone at this party liked either of yous, they’d send you both home

Ronan: Quit this carry on, can’t yous both? As a favour to me

Carly: do you want me away home, ro? 

Ronan: You’re grand where you are, but what’s the need to be giving it out & slagging each other, eh?

Carly: I’m sorry for proper, its your bday & this is - craic

Moses: Because she is one, and that’s the only reason she’s ever been tolerated anywhere

Moses: I’m not here to play pretend but you use her ‘til it’s boring, that was the 🎁

Bartley: [Private to Carly after this group chat of delight]

Bartley: Did you go home?

Carly: go on & tell me yourself too I was waiting for it

Bartley: was just going to tell you I saw them driving off in [one of the older lad]’s van

Bartley: so, you don’t have to, if you don’t want

Carly: whats to stay for ive been opened thats all any of yous want

Bartley: Not everyone, don’t be such a bighead about it, like

Carly: johno dont count & its everyone but that lad

Bartley: not everyone was in that group chat and not everyone wants to ride you

Carly: k there I am told again

Bartley: God, I’m just trying to help

Carly: why

Bartley: That was pretty embarrassing

Carly: you know ive no shame, I’ll be grand

Bartley: It’s not optional, you always say it like it is

Carly: wasnt optional for a girl like me to have none, what they say

Bartley: my point exactly

Bartley: Anyway, Ronan did say you could stay, even if he didn’t stand up for you

Carly: yea, what I’ve no got in shame I make up for in other shit

Bartley: I don’t want to hear about it

Carly: sure, you didn’t open your mouth neither

Bartley: and say what?

Bartley: You did do it, he’s the one you did it with, it should be him if it’s anyone

Carly: sure look idk youre here saying u wanna help me now when it dont matter

Bartley: I was just telling you you didn’t have to go hide and cry

Carly: you would say that

Bartley: what are you on about?

Carly: your go next, we can do it rn if you want

Bartley: I told you not everyone wants you, shut up

Bartley: sure, isn’t Ro your boyfriend now

Carly: come on, none of yous can be my bf even if he was after it being like that & hes not

Bartley: That doesn’t mean you have to act out like that

Carly: everyones forgot w how theyre acting but its a party 🥳🎀🎊✨🎉🎆🎇

Bartley: and you’re not a gift

Carly: youre not opening me, youve said

Bartley: Why would you let them do that

Carly: its his bday

Carly: ali not dont mean he should stay 🍒 if he dont want

Bartley: so you just, be what he says you are, that’s your grand scheme to get out of feeling a giant eejit over it all

Carly: I’m not sorry unless ro wants me to be & says it

Carly: i was his first kiss why shouldnt i be his first for this too

Bartley: ‘cos you didn’t want him to be your first, he’s not as stupid as he looks

Carly: nor am I but ali dont want him to be hers

Carly: he couldve waited it werent like I held him down, how am I to when hes least twice the size of me?

Carly: but no, wes friends so he did it, best me over some random girl moses decides instead

Bartley: How, how’s it better it’s you?

Bartley: It’s been how long and you’re already moving on, trying to, why would anyone want it to be you when you’re like that

Carly: he trusts me, no need for you to bother yourself with doing

Carly: that lad knows I’ll never say nothing about what we did or didnt do, he can say what he likes & be the big man for it or whoever else he’s after people reckoning he is

Bartley: ‘Cept it weren’t your decision, Moses told you to do it and then told everyone the exact time and location it happened so

Bartley: already proved not true but why would you take any responsibility for that when you can just blame him

Carly: I wouldntve done it only on his say

Carly: I did it cos I like ro how I told you before I like all of yous

Bartley: You act stupid so blame can go the same way as shame

Carly: blame for what? whatve I done so wrong

Bartley: Just let Moses treat Ro like a little bitch, for tonight

Bartley: it is meant to be a party, haven’t got the rest to write you a list

Carly: I cant get between ro & mosey, none of yous

Carly: idk what would happen to me but itd be no party

Bartley: Aren’t you though?

Carly: how

Bartley: Come on

Bartley: you’ve literally got under them both, how’d you work out that’s a safe and good idea then?

Carly: Moses is done w me & now I’m not safe

Carly: the good ideas to give ro what he wants for his bday hes a decent lad

Bartley: He was never gonna keep you safe

Carly: he said he would, travellers keep to their word, no?

Bartley: sure and what reason would he have to lie

Bartley: A ‘nice’ stereotype is still just that, like sure all black lads LOVE how you’re obsessed with what’s going on in their pants

Carly: sure I know one who does but hey

Carly: you rub your salt in boy idc it already hurts

Bartley: I’m just being honest

Carly: & I was being stupid, no need to worry yourself with the telling of me

Bartley: Someone should

Carly: everyone is, its enough to knock a girl 🤢🤮

Bartley: but not enough to make a girl listen, like

Carly: I can hear you loud & clear

Bartley: hearing ain’t always hearing though

Carly: I’m sorry I’m not a good traveller girl how you & johno wish

Carly: or a gorja girl who’ll go away

Bartley: trust me, no one wants you to be one of us

Bartley: least of all him

Bartley: Just don’t be a bad person, not much to ask of anyone, surely

Carly: I didnt know I was a bad person until yous all started saying

Bartley: I never said you was the only one I know

Carly: least however alone I feel tonight im sure in good company there now

Bartley: Come on now

Bartley: sites full

Carly: but I wasnt supposed to join em even if I couldnt for proper beat em, not for the crime of liking people

Bartley: Have you ever had a friend? You know this isn’t what you do with them, yeah

Carly: theres no sense in that youre to have fun w your friends, make them 😁

Carly: give em gifts on their bday

Bartley: Friends do not fuck

Carly: fwb has it there 1st letter

Bartley: This isn’t America, or a romcom

Carly: k he isnt my friend, you 😁?

Bartley: He is though

Carly: yea

Carly: what am I to say? I was trying to help him

Bartley: right…

Carly: you think I’m full of it, I know, like

Bartley: He wasn’t about to die

Carly: it didnt feel life or death before moses started his gobbing off, it was just a fuck

Carly: havent you done it?

Bartley: I don’t put my business about like that for a reason

Carly: I’m not gonna shout it about to nobody, no friends to if you dont believe us for no other reason

Bartley: Why would I tell you, or anyone?

Bartley: it’s meant to be private, my point

Carly: I’d keep it private, mine 😶💚

Carly: but I’m only asking to ask if you loved every girl you did it with

Bartley: Why, you think that’s impossible?

Carly: no but you’d be the 1st Ive met

Carly: Id have to get you a present, something proper good not me offered up again

Bartley: not going to convince me but a good attempt there

Carly: if you dont want it i dont, I said, I’m not forcing nobody

Bartley: Okay, okay

Bartley: I didn’t accuse you of nothing proper

Carly: still loads of time, have your fun bb

Bartley: Quit your crying yet?

Carly: my business & youd hate me to put it about

Bartley: Ha ha, funny girl

Carly: 🤡

Bartley: You don’t look that shocking

Carly: u cant see how I look 👀🩸❤️

Bartley: true enough

Bartley: Hope you can wash your face wherever you’re hiding

Carly: idc everyone knows I’m 👿💔

Bartley: Oh right

Bartley: sympathy drinks

Carly: I might or I might b off home when I can see

Bartley: not got far to go

Bartley: nor no motor to be driving into anything

Carly: 🌳🚗 s’bit much unless ronan hates me as much himself

Bartley: Of course he doesn’t, calm down

Carly: then I’ll live to be whoring another day

Bartley: Least whores get paid, think on

Carly: i get paid in 😍🥰😘 catch yourself on

Bartley: is it now?

Carly: can’t tell you its private

Bartley: Group chat will have to find something else to be about

Carly: yea, if youve ideas 👂💚

Bartley: Someone’ll do something worse before night is over, no worries

Carly: id feel bad 🙏 

Carly: for loads of reasons, before you get in there to say it about us 1st

Bartley: I was 😶

Bartley: Your guilty conscience, obviously

Carly: 😶 myself on the state of any part of me

Bartley: What’ve you done?

Carly: I’m grand

Bartley: Definitely not

Carly: grand enough for home

Bartley: Are you going to make your ma go with?

Carly: k not that grand, sorry

Bartley: Fine, your pal then, where’s she?

Carly: idk

Bartley: I can find herr

Carly: ro probably has again let em be

Bartley: He should be looking for you

Carly: how you 👀🌎💭 is cute, boy

Bartley: Whatever, I’ll tell him you’re crying and he’ll feel bad

Carly: ah dont you be doing it, hes not to feel bad

Bartley: Why not?

Carly: he isnt in the wrong

Bartley: I’ve already told you that’s you

Bartley: but idk why I bother

Carly: yea then y would you be after making him feel bad

Bartley: I’m not but he’d come find you if he did, idiot

Carly: idc i dont want him to like

Bartley: you was after letting him inside you and now you can’t talk to him?

Carly: & say what?

Bartley: Assumedly he’s going to have some shit to say, if you’re in the state you said you were

Carly: he can when Im in less of one if hes bothered

Carly: its not what tonight is about

Bartley: fucking suit yourself then

Carly: quit having sense, I’m not used to it from you 😵‍💫

Bartley: Ha

Bartley: so who’s gonna believe you

Carly: nobody never

Bartley: Charming

Carly: sorry, I meant cos of it coming from me

Bartley: Ah, well, ‘course

Carly: 😶💚

Bartley: That’d be the day, like

Carly: u talked to me im never starting it

Bartley: so

Bartley: I just wanted to take the piss, who wouldn’t after that group chat

Carly: k 💚

Bartley: Shut it

Carly: more like it

Bartley: You take everything too far

Carly: where else am I to take it for a party? 

Bartley: It’s Ronan’s 12th, it’s not [a more dramatic and special event, idk but you know the vibe lol]

Carly: summers almost over

Bartley: and you’re back to school, little girl

Carly: sure, you’re no older than us 👶

Bartley: Old enough not to bother with that, and I am, a bit

Carly: old enough not to make the most 🌞🌚 has u acting up like youre some old fella down the pub 🍻😅

Bartley: just ‘cos you’re upset Mosey would rather be there than with you

Carly: more if u dont have the knowing life’s magic

Bartley: It ain’t, yours especially isn’t

Carly: 👴🍺🚬

Bartley: You think you’re amazing

Bartley: any of them have 10x the sense you have

Carly: sure look, I know what you think

Bartley: You reckon

Carly: u tell us your opinion of me every time we talk

Bartley: I ain’t allowed to have one, is it?

Carly: just idk why youve to keep on @ me w it

Bartley: stop being so dumb and I won’t have to, girl

Carly: stop troubling yourself about me

Bartley: I don’t

Bartley: not all of us think acting like we don’t care about anything will make us cool and everyone will want us around

Carly: care about things, but u know I’m not worth being one

Bartley: yep

Carly: k well later 💚

Ali: [Private at Carly]

Ali: Where is he

Carly: ro? idk I 💭 he was w you

Ali: No, Moses, I’ve been looking all over

Carly: off in [that lad’s]s van

Carly: he had his fun @ this party

Ali: Fucking pussy

Ali: Jesus

Ali: how are you, I’m sorry, that’s what I should have been asking first

Carly: he’ll be after staying out of johno’s way when he hears

Carly: ah sure ive had my fun too im home 

Ali: He must not have his phone on him, I only just found mine and it’s near 💀 as per

Ali: Do you want to be alone? 

Carly: charge your phone if you want but the bday boy shouldnt be

Ali: He’s not, despite his absolute cunt of a brother bailing, there’s still loads of people here

Carly: youre his fave though you cant be taking yourself off too

Ali: You’re important too, and no I’m not, he likes you too

Ali: are you okay?

Carly: ive only now quit my 😢😭 youll have us going again if youre nice to me

Ali: That’s why I was going to deal with him instead but he’s run away

Ali: I can’t be mean to you

Carly: leave it to johno I cant let you get hurt cos of me & moses

Carly: youre too important yourself

Ali: I won’t get hurt, don’t worry

Carly: no I am, I know what hes like

Ali: Okay, I won’t go find him

Ali: but he’s an absolute disgrace

Carly: you’re not to go near him, promise

Ali: I promise, entirely for your sake, not mine and definitely not his

Carly: I can’t 💭 about it rn i’ll 🤢🤮 again too

Ali: No, don’t, it’s not worth it

Ali: nothing is going to be made sense of now

Carly: ive no sense

Ali: It was just cruel

Carly: I knew it was coming him being done w me idk why I listened to him about this

Carly: to my way of thinking it was a decent 🎁 for the boy before they all got in my head for it

Ali: Do you want me to check on Ro

Ali: without him knowing I am, obviously

Carly: yea maybe idk

Carly: I didnt force him but moses & the to be a big man of it all was to get in his head too

Ali: Who would do that to their brother, it’s so wrong

Carly: he only cares for himself

Carly: but Im almost as bad

Ali: Come now

Ali: no you’re not, you didn’t force him, of course you didn’t

Ali: Moses manipulated you into thinking it was a good idea though

Carly: we said he werent ready to do it, I knew that & i went for it still

Ali: but was he?

Carly: he did but I take everything too far hows he to tell me no

Ali: I’m gonna talk to him, okay

Ali: and I bet he’ll say it was alright

Carly: he would say that hes not after hurting me

Ali: I can get to the truth though

Carly: its your magic

Ali: It will be okay

Ali: I’ll talk to him and I’ll make sure it is

Ali: and I’ll make sure Johnny beats him up super hard for everyone, yeah

Carly: theyll kill each other

Carly: & ill have to lay myself proper low

Ali: it’s clear whose idea it was, neither of them can act the fool on that

Ali: Moses was too drunk or too thick to think that one through when he was running his mouth

Carly: too proud of himself

Carly: but Johno already hated me before this idk whats to happen

Ali: Just stay home

Ali: I’m going to find one of them, eventually

Carly: k 💛

Ali: Trust me?

Carly: yea

Carly: if friends dont fuck youre my only one

Ali: who said that one?

Carly: 1 guess

Carly: who always needs his say about me 

Ali: Oh Bart…

Ali: he knows it’s less than nothing to do with him

Carly: he was almost nice to me though 😵‍💫

Ali: He only pretends nasty sometimes, usually he just misses the mark with the joke though

Ali: I’m glad someone is being nice

Carly: he might find you, I said no but he dont listen the best to nobody & not to me ever, sorry

Ali: he can help me look

Ali: he’s not being avoided as hard as I am

Carly: what a party, like

Ali: Boys, right 🙄

Carly: 👶😭

Ali: I’ll come see you later, check in

Carly: if you see [her mum] avoid bringing her with, I can’t tonight

Ali: 👻 promise

Carly: 💛👼💙