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hakasims · 3 years

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The Most In-depth Analysis of Luca Marinelli’s Characters You’ll Ever Need

You’d think I was done with classifications, but I’m not! There’s so much more I can say about Luca Marinelli’s oeuvre and his magnificent roster of characters. And yes, I’ve made this post before where I highlighted specific tropes that show up in a lot of his movies, but that was surface-level shit. This is an actual exploration of what makes a Luca Marinelli character besides being a kinky little whore. And don’t worry, it’s still in that user-friendly question-answer format because I love you.

Here’s the thing: Luca is a chameleon but he also has a type, and this type is:

✨ a (likely) queer repressed addict with daddy issues ✨

That’s the skeleton. Let’s see how many of his major roles possess that skeleton at all and what flavors they add to the picture.

Disclaimer: I excluded characters with little screen time and Joseph from Mary of Nazareth because he doesn’t deserve rights. Also, instead of going in the boring chronological order, I’m gonna start with the least typical character for Luca and end with the crème de la crème. The results may not surprise you.

Nicky (The Old Guard)

Is he queer? Undeniably.

Is he repressed? No.

Does he have an addiction? No.

Does he have daddy issues? I know we’re all deeply affected by our shitty father figures but I would genuinely question Nicky’s sanity if he were still on that shit at the ripe age of 951. A little tip for daddy-hating immortals out there: just do what Angel did and kill your shitty dad. Problem solved.

Is he violent? Despite doling out tons of violence, he doesn’t have a violent nature and seems uninterested in hating his enemy or delivering retribution.

Does he need a good night sleep? I’m sure nothing helps one sleep better than a Joe-shaped big spoon.

Does he need a good cry? Doesn’t seem like it.

Flavors: A perfect immortal warrior bean in a healthy relationship.

Conclusion: Ironically but unsurprisingly, Nicky is the least Luca-like character.

Guido (Tutti i santi giorni)

Is he queer? I don’t believe so but who knows? If someone told me he’s demisexual, I’d believe it.

Is he repressed? The movie may disagree, but I say yes, obviously.

Does he have an addiction? Not unless you count his romantic relationship.

Does he have daddy issues? His family is so supportive and wholesome it’s almost parodic.

Is he violent? He’s the opposite of a toxic macho dude, but then he has a violent outburst out of nowhere because the movie is bad.

Does he need a good night sleep? He doesn’t like sleeping at night.

Does he need a good cry? Naturally.

Flavors: An adorkable awkward nerd with flowery speech.

Conclusion: I can forgive straightness and wholesomeness but I can’t forgive lack of complexity.

Martin (Martin Eden)

Is he queer? I don’t believe so.

Is he repressed? Yes.

Does he have an addiction? No.

Does he have daddy issues? Not to my knowledge.

Is he violent? When he deems it necessary to be.

Does he need a good night sleep? Sure.

Does he need a good cry? Cry your little heart out, Martin!

Flavors: An arrogant, pretentious, politically confused writer.

Conclusion: A little too straight for your typical Luca, but he makes up for it with being complex and complicated.

Loris (Il mondo fino in fondo)

Is he queer? I don’t believe so.

Is he repressed? So fucking repressed!

Does he have an addiction? Nothing beyond his savior complex.

Does he have daddy issues? He has a shitty dad he’s spent his whole life trying to please, and also his mommy left, so like yeah, obviously.

Is he violent? He has his straight dude moments.

Does he need a good night sleep? Definitely.

Does he need a good cry? Oh yeah, let him cry, it’s good for him.

Flavors: A casually homophobic mother hen.

Conclusion: Ruined by heterosexual agenda.

Lui (Ricordi?)

Is he queer? I don’t believe so.

Is he repressed? Very.

Does he have an addiction? No.

Does he have daddy issues? A big sack of them.

Is he violent? No.

Does he need a good night sleep? Oh yes. To sleep, perchance to dream about anything other than his traumatic memories.

Does he need a good cry? So much.

Flavors: Up-his-butt and pensive.

Conclusion: Leave it to Luca to take a guy who would be an absolute nightmare in real life and turn him into someone I actually want to watch for two hours and see happy by the end.

Gabriele (Waves)

Is he queer? There’s evidence he might be gay.

Is he repressed? I’d bet on it.

Does he have an addiction? Doesn’t seem like it.

Does he have daddy issues? Nobody knows.

Is he violent? No.

Does he need a good night sleep? He probably will with how the movie ended.

Does he need a good cry? At least one.

Flavors: A sweet introverted guy who loves boats.

Conclusion: While not particularly complex, Gabriele has layers and nuances. Also give him a big muscular daddy.

Fabrizio (Fabrizio de André - Principe libero)

Is he queer? I don’t believe so.

Is he repressed? He was before music became his only career.

Does he have an addiction? Alcohol, cigarettes, sex, cheating - take your pick.

Does he have daddy issues? Not as bad as some of the other guys here but he’s heard his fair share of “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” speeches.

Is he violent? He’s soft.

Does he need a good night sleep? He’s an artist, what do you think?

Does he need a good cry? He’s an artist, what do you think?

Flavors: Fabrizio de André is the flavor.

Conclusion: Even though it’s a biopic, there are still many Luca-isms there. He’s just that kind of actor.

Milton (Una questione privata)

Is he queer? It could be argued that he is bisexual.

Is he repressed? Do you even need to ask?

Does he have an addiction? About half of the breaths he takes are filled with cigarette smoke.

Does he have daddy issues? He seems to have a good and loving relationship with both his parents.

Is he violent? Not by nature.

Does he need a good night sleep? Yep.

Does he need a good cry? He certainly does.

Flavors: A repressed bisexual feeling powerless in a horrible world.

Conclusion: This is proof that Luca can carry a whole entire movie on his sexy shoulders, alone. Also Milton needs a safe and loving triad.

Mattia (La solitudine dei numeri primi)

Is he queer? I personally read him as asexual. Though assigning asexuality to characters who are traumatized is a dangerous path so don’t quote me on this, okay?

Is he repressed? Just the most repressed.

Does he have an addiction? It’s debatable whether self-harm and eating disorders can be considered addictions, but they’re part of his character, and I thought you should know.

Does he have daddy issues? His parents played their part in messing him up which then led to the big thing that really messed him up, though other than that his dad is barely a presence.

Is he violent? Not at all.

Does he need a good night sleep? At least 17 hours.

Does he need a good cry? Oh, so much. He needs all the cry.

Flavors: A quiet genius with lots of guilt.

Conclusion: Can you believe this was his first film role? Our boy is talented af!

Fabio (Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot)

Is he queer? Undeniably.

Is he repressed? You could argue that he is repressed by being limited in his place in social hierarchy.

Does he have an addiction? Amazingly enough, no. He has fixations, though.

Does he have daddy issues? Thinking his father was a loser and not wanting to end up like him is textbook stuff.

Is he violent? Very.

Does he need a good night sleep? Yes please.

Does he need a good cry? He needs to purge his soul from all the bottled up stuff.

Flavors: A campy psycho.

Conclusion: Luca’s most iconic character, so of course he scored high on the list.

Paolo (Il padre d’Italia)

Is he queer? Undeniably.

Is he repressed? I can’t even start listing all the ways in which he’s repressed.

Does he have an addiction? He smokes a lot.

Does he have daddy issues? His issues are more of a mommy variety.

Is he violent? Not in the slightest.

Does he need a good night sleep? He’s the poster boy for needing a good night sleep.

Does he need a good cry? A good cry, a good weep, a good sob, a good bawl, *googles more synonyms* a good wail, a good squall...

Flavors: A self-loathing gay orphan in need of some life goodness.

Conclusion: What can I say about Paolo that all of you aren’t already thinking? Decent film, great character, excellent portrayal.

Mickey (Die Pfeiler der Macht)

Is he queer? Undeniably.

Is he repressed? It’s Victorian England, you guys.

Does he have an addiction? He smokes casually but other than that... eh. And don’t tell me he has sex addiction. He uses his body strategically.

Does he have daddy issues? If what he has isn’t daddy issues, I don’t know what is.

Is he violent? He’s got tons of bottled up aggression.

Does he need a good night sleep? It would be great if he could use the day’s darkest hours for sleeping.

Does he need a good cry? Undeniably.

Flavors: A conniving slut extraordinaire.

Conclusion: A major player in the book (says me who managed like 50 pages), Mickey Miranda was turned into such a nothing character in the miniseries that they needed a truly extraordinary actor to make him memorable. And guess what, Luca delivered.

Cesare (Non essere cattivo)

Is he queer? Not explicitly, but come on.

Is he repressed? Lethally.

Does he have an addiction? He’s an addiction textbook.

Does he have daddy issues? *Jake Peralta voice* Yeah, the guy without a daddy is the one with daddy issues. Explain that logic.

Is he violent? Oh yeah, he’s a rabid little trash goblin.

Does he need a good night sleep? So much.

Does he need a good cry? He’s had his fair share of good cries, but he could always use more.

Flavors: A aimless junkie.

Conclusion: The quintessential Luca. Beautiful.

Primo (Trust)

Is he queer? Listen, just because we don’t see him fuck a dude on screen it doesn’t mean he isn’t a motherfluffing queer icon. It’s not subtext; it’s TEXT.

Is he repressed? Where do I even fucking start?

Does he have an addiction? Oh yeah. And a coke nail to prove it.

Does he have daddy issues? I would need a whole separate post to unpack his daddy issues.

Is he violent? So very violent.

Does he need a good night sleep? Yes, please. On an actual bed in an actual bedroom.

Does he need a good cry? You can just tell.

Flavors: A ruthless criminal with a strong mafia boss potential.

Conclusion: The pièce de résistance of the Luca Marinelli filmography. Not only does he tick every box, he gets bonus points for the excellent wardrobe choices that emphasize Luca’s best features. Primo Nizzuto is everything great you want from Luca, except singing. (Though in my headcanon that whole white car in a snowstorm monologue was a musical number.)

#luca marinelli #the old guard #tutti i santi giorni #martin eden #il mondo fino in fondo #ricordi?#waves 2012 #fabrizio de andré - principe libero #una questione privata #la solitudine dei numeri primi #lo chiamavano jeeg robot #il padre d'italia #die pfeiler der macht #non essere cattivo #trust fx

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bartsugsy · 5 years

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why the ‘aaron gets kidnapped’ storyline of 2018 was perfect robron content and if you don’t think so you’re objectively wrong and yes i know the definition of objective bc someone already told me

hello spoons welcome to a post i like to call ‘im right’ strap in u sausages i love u

in this post i will argue the existence and also beauty of the storyline, in the beautiful and haunting year of 2018, in which our hero aaron gets fuckin kidnapped straight off the street by some punk named sid and then our other hero robert has to go and get his husband back

it’s underrated bc it can never be rated enough and also bc some people weren’t particularly enamoured by it and i’m here to tell u why ur all incorrect

and i know this because i have a degree in correctness check it out

oNTO THE POST ABOUT WHY THIS STORYLINE IS ART

we open with robert walking down a street

technically we open with other stuff that happened before this but im getting right down to the goods i have a point to make

SO robert is walking down the street when he SUDDENLY gets a video call from aaron

and he’s like weird how aaron is video calling me right now he never does this unless it’s 2am and we’ve been separated for more than 12 hours wow

but it’s AARON TIED TO A CHAIR LOOKING SAD AND DISTRESSED

BC SID WANTS MONEY AND EXPLOITING AARON’S RICH ASS HUSBAND IS THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW TO DO IT

AND FRANKLY IT WORKED SO I CAN ONLY COMMEND HIM FOR KNOWING ROBERT’S WEAKNESS

AARON

SO ROBERT IS LIKE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET

SEES THAT HIS HUBBY LOVE OF HIS LIFE MAN OF HIS DREAMS

HAS BEEN

TAKEN

robert is not happy about this and goes to the only two people he reasonably thinks can help, cain and moira

which seems right, i think u will agree

anyway stuff happens, they dont know how to get aaron back, time is running out

and honestly

this is where beautiful thing #1 happens

1. robert isn’t willing to risk aaron’s life for the sake of money

they’ve come so far

and like ok we already knew that and frankly we knew that from the lodge days when he couldn’t kill aaron even tho he knew it would be the end of life as he knew it, with all his money and power, to let him go

bc rob isn’t really about that highfalutin murderin’ lifestyle really even tho he really does love money a whole lot

he just loves aaron more

SO ROBBO IS OUT HERE LIKE UM I’M NOT JUST GONNA

SIT AROUND

AND WAIT FOR AARON TO BE BRUTALLY MURDERED CAIN

I’M GONNA PAY THIS MAN THE MONEY AND GET MY HUSBAND BACK BC FRANKLY THEY COULD ASK FOR THE DEED TO SATURN AND I’D FIND A WAY TO GET IT FOR THEM

so robert RUNS OFF and works out how much money he has and just so we know

PEOPLE JUST SO WE KNOW

robert does not have enough money he spent that shit on legal fees trying to save his fuckin little crime-susceptible family

so robert, priorities in order (aaron > other things), goes to the only person he knows with fuck loads of dispensible cash

his mortal enemy for the three months that the show cared about that story

joseph loseph tate

NOW JOSEPH AND ROBERT’S ANTAGONISTIC RELATIONSHIP WAS, IF U WILL RECALL, BASED 99% ON THEIR OWN FUCKING DESIRE TO BE PROUD AND/OR SMUG IN ONE ANOTHER’S GENERAL DIRECTION

SURE THEY TRIED TO FUCK ONE ANOTHER OVER

BUT MOSTLY IT ALL BOILED DOWN TO JUST WANTING TO MAKE THE OTHER LOOK LIKE A LOSER

men are so dumb oh my godddd

AND LO THIS BRINGS US TO REASON NUMBER TWO WHY THIS STORYLINE IS PERFECT

2. robert puts aside all his fucking pride to save his husband

HE MARCHES UP TO JOE AND IS LIKE OK MAKE ME A FUCKING DEAL

JOE, BEING A LOVELESS DEMON, EXPLOITS THIS MOMENT FOR ALL HE CAN, DEMANDING BOTH ROBERT’S CUT OF HOME JAMES AND THE MILL, JUST BC HE ENJOYS THE IDEA OF BRINGING ROBERT NEEDLESSLY TO HIS KNEES AND TAKING AWAY ALL OF HIS POTENTIAL POWER

I SPENT HALF OF LAST WEEKEND WATCHING CUTTHROAT KITCHEN WITH @snowbasttien AND IF ANYTHING IT TAUGHT ME THAT MONEY IS POWER IF U KNOW HOW TO USE IT (AND THAT WHILE PEOPLE MAY COME INTO THE SHOW BELIEVING THAT THEY ARE A DOM, IF DADDY ALTON IS AROUND THEN NO ONE LEAVES A DOM)

JOE CUTTHROAT KITCHENED THIS BITCH TO HELL

AND ROB WAS JUST LIKE

YEP

WORTH IT

THUS GIVING US THING NUMBER THREE

3. robert has spent his entire adult life fighting for jobs that give him power and being incredibly invested in his own business(es) and he gave that all up in one fucking second for aaron’s life

LOOK THIS WHOLE STORYLINE WAS ABOUT ROBERT SACRIFICING ALL OF THE SHIT HE WORKED TOWARDS FOR HIS ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE FOR AARON’S SAFETY WITHOUT EVEN GIVING IT A SECOND THOUGHT, OR BEING RESENTFUL ABOUT IT, OR BEING UPSET ABOUT IT

HE DIDN’T CARE

ROBERT’S IDEAS OF WHAT POWER AND VALUE ARE MEAN NOTHING IN THE FACE OF WHAT AARON IS TO HIM

I DONT KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY EXPLAIN HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS IS IN CONTRAST TO EVERYTHING ROBERT USED TO BE

AARON CHANGED HIS WHOLE FUCKIN LIFE AND ROBERT WOULDN’T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY

ALSO HE MADE THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY HOMELESS

ROBERT, AARON AND TWO KIDS

WITH NO HOME

BECAUSE FRANKLY ROBERT DIDN’T STOP EVEN ONCE TO THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES BEYOND ‘AARON ISN’T GOING TO DIE’

dumbass

i’ve said this many times before and i’ll say it again: i love aaron but the mill has a beautiful side garden and a wine fridge.

i would have let that bitch die.

SO ROBERT

BC HE LOVES AARON AND LITERALLY JUST WANTED HIM BACK

AND HAD NO DESIRE TO RISK NOT FINDING THE MONEY BUT INSTEAD PURSUING A SNEAKIER PLAN TO SAVE HIM

SELLS HIS ENTIRE LIFE AN D SOUL TO JOSEPH AND GOES TO FIND AARON

he looks scared but luckily cain POPS A FUCKIN SHOTGUN OUTTA NOWHERE BC OF COURSE HE FUCKING DOES

COIRA ARE REALLY OUT HERE

DOING THE MOST

COIRA WOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN THEMSELVES IN THIS SITUATION THAT’S FOR DAMN DIDDLY SURE

rob gets aaron back and loses his money, job and house all at once but he doesn’t even care he just wants to stand in this forest and grip onto aaron in peace and never let him go

THE NEXT DAY aaron has discovered exactly how robert managed to get so much money together at such short notice

and he’s NOT PARTICULARLY ABOUT IT because

aaron understands that the mill is perfect

aaron values his family having a home over his own life tbh

he also loves the wine fridge

HE AND ROBERT DISCUSS THIS AND AARON IS LIKE NOPE SORT IT THE FUCK OUT ROBERT IM NOT HAVING IT

WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN

WHICH IS FRANKLY FAIR!! BUT THEN!!!!

THEN WE GET TO THE SCENE WHERE ROBERT IS SIGNING OVER HIS SHIT TO JOE

AND AARON IS THERE

BUT HE’S NOT SAYING A DAMN WORD, HE’S JUST SITTING THERE SILENTLY IN SUPPORT OF ROBERT’S LUNACY

BC SOMETIMES BEING MARRIED MEANS BEING A UNITED FRONT

A LIL TEAM

EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T REALLY AGREE WITH WHAT’S HAPPENING, BUT HAVE SAID UR PEACE IN PRIVATE

SOMETIMES THAT’S A THING

JOE IS STANDING THERE BEING A SMUG AND SHIT BC HE’S WON~

AND ROBERT LOOKS MISERABLE AND READY TO SIGN AWAY HIS EVERY ASSET

AND THEN!!!!

and then joe makes a fuckin mistake

JOE LOOKS AT AARON, WHO IS SITTING IN A SILENTLY MENACING WAY PROBABLY, WATCHING THIS SHIT GO DOWN AND JOE IS LIKE

LOL IS UR DUMB ANIMAL BOYFRIEND TALK TO STUPID TO FORM SENTENCES

and like

robert ain’t about people insulting aaron in his presence

so he fuckin just

tears that contract up right there and then

and refuses to sign the mill over to joe

LEGIT IT JUST LIKE NOPE BIG MISTAKE FUCK U

and aaron

AARON POWER MOVE DINGLE

JUST SITS THERE SILENTLY AND SMILES

IT’S AN ICONIC MOMENT DONT FUCK WITH ROBRON OR THEY WILL LITERALLY KILL U THANKS FOR UR TIME

ANYWAY

THIS IS WHY OBJECTIVELY THIS STORYLINE IS PERFECT

BC IT’S ABOUT ROBERT BEING A LUNATIC FOR AARON

AND THAT KIND OF CONTENT FOR ROBRON ADDS YEARS TO MY LIFE

YEARS

IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT THESE SCENES?

LESSER

WORTHLESS

TERRIBLE

THANKS FOR LISTENING I HOPE U APPRECIATE THAT I AM IN FACT, IN THIS AND ALL THINGS

CORRECT.

THE END XOXO

#robron #i didnt even rewatch these eps to write this and i dont care #fact checking is for losers #and i as we have establish only win

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majorxbennyxboy · 7 years

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TURN S4 according to someone who Has Not Seen It

(pieced together by random bits and pieces of things that have slipped the filters)

Arnold sends Ben this creepy letter like ",,,,,hey,,,,u wanna,,,,,,,,,betray everyone you love and come join me in bastardly traitor fun times,,,,I know you want to because when you tried to shoot me you missed, and that's always a sign of Fondness."

Which Ben is Not For so he's like :/

Richard decides he's going to Love His Son and also switch sides, which is Great !! because now the whole fam are Rebels together and Abe's got this Puzzlement Sandwich going on but he's also happy to finally have a dad. He's skeptical, but he Ready.

Caleb shows up and Abe just. Screams it to the heavens, "MY BUDDY MY PAL MY HOMIE CALEB BREWSTER GET A LOAD OF THAT ARNOLD BASTARD HUH WE SURE DID A GOOD JOB WITH OUR SPY RING DIDN'T WE WOW HAHA WE'RE GOOD"

Abe takes him home and gives him some tea. The cup is as big as Caleb's head and he is Very Cute holding the saucer in his two hands. Declines sugar. He's sweet enough without it. Accepts some whiskey.

He's like "hey you wanna pack up now let's go?"

But Abe Nopes that like "nah see I'm gonna be the Spyingest Spy. Me and the fam are Staying and we are gonna Wreck some Redcoat shite and it's gonna be awesome."

Richard chimes in, "do you and those soldier boys want to burn some stuff bc I can hook you up with a SICK bonfire if youre game"

Caleb is Game.

Washington's like "tallmadge why the *BEEP* didn't you tell me about this letter boi" and it's very Stressful but he's also kind of softly like "tallmadge occasionally does a good job wow"

GWash and Martha get. snuggly.

Ben and Caleb pop off to go destroy people and burn some hay and Ben's like "TAKE THE BULLETS OUT YO GUN GUYS WE GOTTA STEALTH THIS SH"

This redcoat guy alerts the entire fort but Caleb takes him the hell out and the boys blaze in and within about five and a half seconds they take over and set to burning hay. Caleb snatches some stuff like "man yeah I am making some cash today this is worth a fortune on ebay"

Ben is in Richard's house at some point in a heckin' coat.

Caleb goes to pawn his contraband but gets snatched by a weasle.

Arnold's like "you only say you don't like betraying your friends because you've never tried it. come on dude it's fun it's fun I swear you should do it"

And Caleb's like "um dude no hell in way. I'm not about that."

So Arnold conjures Simcoe from hell and that's that.

Simcoe goes "do you know why I like serrated blades?"

"bc u nasty fool"

Simcoe proceeds to behave very badly and tells an extended version of a story that was cut from S1E2 about how his father died when he was like ten and how his RageClown Tendencies are perfectly legit. Also he's just like "Ah yes do you remember S1E2? Those events make all of this okay. It isn't about revenge tho even though it lowkey totally is."

Cookie comes down like "YO MAN WTH ARE YOU DOING U BETTER STOP"

Meanwhile I think Peggy is going "marriage sucks." and Arnold is being a complete ass to her but she doesn't let it diminish her vibes that woman is a queen. And possibly pregnant I think.

She and Philomena run into each other and there's some sassing but Peggy's like "haha ? I will :) destroy you :D"

Boys work out a plan to get Caleb back and it entails swapping Abe and Richard over to the Redcoats and getting something like five-hundred pounds as well. They got these two all tied up and some guys come up like "Uh?"

Ben's a spymaster and has it Under Control and tries the ol' Smile 'n Wave routine. It does not work.

They get to the Prisoner Exchange and Ben's like "UM? Excuse you what did you do to my guy over there what'd you do to Caleb"

Simcoe plays pool while predicting the current events

and Richard gets frickin' sniped he's wasted it's over that's done the people SCATTER and everybody runs into a barn.

Mulligan slides into Rivington's inn like "yo Quaker boy. if you happen to be a spy, or something...u should def check out some new threads. *wink* we should talk"

Rob's having none of that. "you're creepy. get away from me."

And then Arnold comes in to straight up slaughter Mulligan and fling him everywhere. He's also like "WHAT IS UP MY PEEPS WHO DON'T EVEN WANT ME. NOT ONLY AM I A DIRTY NO-GOOD WHO BETRAYED MY FORMER PEEPS, I AM NOW PERSONALLY HUNTING DOWN THEIR LITTLE SPIES. TELL THE WORLD. *Flings glitter and drama as well as some shade*"

v uncomfortable cart ride back to camp and a Turtledove Cameo later Abe's like "ben i'm going back to sadtauket and burying my father, possibly myself, also contemplating revenge but not in a culper way."

Ben's like "...uh." and has no less than fifty tabs open but Anna Handles It.

Anna helps this little girl with a doll and everyone in camp ships Benanna. Ben starts thinking about what they can possibly do about this but Anna tells him not to do anything because it's a really good cover and also another box on the People Anna's Dated Bingo Cart the writers have been forcing her to carry around.

Abe buries his father while Thomas mills about chanting "dead dead dead dead dead" in the background and ten tells Mary he's going to kill Simcoe. She tells him not to miss, while bitterly regretting only taking off dude's ear.

????????????????

Selah turns up in Camp and, after miraculously not murdering Ben for the whole "allegedly dating my wife" thing, he's like "wife. hello. so I've been Facing Reality and steadily accepting the fact that you probably don't love me and most likely never have but, we should still probably Discuss and see if we can work something out."

"Kay"

He goes to Ben like "she works for you' "uh" "she worked for you in Setauket" "uh" "does she still work for you" "uh" "boy" "I mean if you can convince her to go with you and manage to survive the discussion then by all means" "...kay."

Hewlett's Head of Intelligence and v Jaded but also working through his stuff. He's maybe looking at stars and at one point is like "hello soft quaker boy yes I am in love with stars. and myself. and that is Good. I have reached Zen but am also a somewhat Tortured Soul at this stage of the game"

"okay. you're weird. but okay. you do you lizard man. you do you."

A plan is hatched for Abe, who is Culper once again, to beat Arnold at his own game by pretending to turncoat, but not really turning. For some reason Ben's good with this??? idk but he's like "see youohmygod don't get killed please"

Caleb pops off to fetch Mary and is very cute with Thomas. And with Mary. They're all precious. Ben and Anna ride to meet them. They are riding double. With Anna as the big spoon. Hmmmm yesssss

sorry *coughs*

Ben meets Sprout and it's real hella cute for about five seconds.

Back in Camp Ben tells Mary "I gotchu, you're with Abe, you're family, I will take care of you. hmu any time"

And then he gets real serious into talking tactics or smthn to Caleb and Mary shows up in his tent like "hey can you"

and he loses it

"NOBODY SAW YOU DID THEY MARY I CAN't HAVE CAMP THINKING I'M DATING EVERYONE WHAT THE HELL MARY THERE IS PROTOCOL"

Caleb chills, uncomfortably, in the background.

Mary gives it back to Ben. "YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THINGS ABRAHAM IS MY HUSBAND"

"WHY DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE SPY RING"

"HOW DO YOU THINK HE'S STILL ALIVE DUMBASS"

"OH MY GOD IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT"

this continues for a few heart-lurching moments before Mary leaves. Nobody is happy. Not a single individual feels any joy, at all, in their life.

That Randall sicko is still alive and he's like "hey Anna."

she be Knowin "you're that guy Ben tried to take out last season"

"Yeah but that ruling went in my favor"

(WE'RE LEFT HANGING. OKAY, SO THEY DECIDED BEN WAS IN THE WRONG. SO? WHAT HAPPENED? DID THEY MAKE HIM APOLOGIZE? DOCK HIS PAY? DETAILS PEOPLE. HOW DID HE NOT GET DEMOTED???)

and Randall proceeds to tell Anna there's some kind of mutiny being planned.

At some point there is an actual mutiny but the people involved are stopped and arrested and brutally executed and it's a harrowing experience for everybody.

Abe Enlists with the Redcoats and gets this new bunkmate, Joe, who seems interesting. He also visits Townsend who's like "what the hell what the hell what the H E L L PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING"

Townsend takes it upon himself to Snoop and keeps following Abe around and shows up at this party and Abe's just like "can you please not be weird Robert I'm undercover"

Cicero completely Outs Abe to Peggy and she's like "...ight."

Simcoe gets nasty and, as with everything involving Simcoe, there are sharp things involved.

Some fool tries to take out Hewlett and Hewlett's like "man I'm so done with everyone's bs this isn't happening today"

He and Abe somehow meet up and instead of killing each other they wind up plotting against Simcoe, something they both believe in.

Those Rebel Boys hatch a plan to expand the spy ring once again with this Champe fellow. He and Caleb pretend to fight, (DAMMIT CHAMPE BE GENTLE WITH HIM) and Ben pretends to be really mad about this and hauls them both to his tent for a Pretend Stern Talking-To in which they discuss Plans and Ben pretends to banish them both forever.

So Champe hops off to go meet Abe.

He's a pretty creepy-like dude and seems to basically be Rebel Simcoe.

Another plan is hatched, this time to get Arnold, but things go awry. Caleb's Struggling and Ben's Upset and once again nobody is at all happy, and it's horrible. absolutely horrible.

More sh goes wrong bc the British are like "right so you're all trained up, time for you go kill some rebel soldier bois" which Abe is less than enthused about.

So Ben's Thinking about this. "who the hell is going to fetch abe. Can't ask Caleb to do it. Anna can't go. Hm guess I'll have to" Anna is quick to point out "lmao ben do you want to be labeled a traitor bc that's what's going to happen you should just ask Caleb." Ben considers this. "...nah it's cool I'll just Resign and go Handle it."

Also Mary has discovered some form of traitor ladies and I think tries to barter the information but Ben's just like "ASHFAKJFHAK PLEES"

Ben hits Hamilton up and asks him to be the new Spyboss ("good luck my guy it's like herding ducks.") and Hamilton isn't so sure about this but Ben's Convinced it is Necessary, makes all the arrangements.

Caleb tho he pops in like "actually I'll take this one" in the biggest frickin miracle of a thousand years

the two have a Moment. a blessed Moment of Purity.

And then Ben flounces over to GWash to resign anyway and they both throw a MASSIVE HISSY FIT AT EACH OTHER AND IT'S HONESTLY EVEN MORE BRUTAL THAN THE "not my son" CONVO IT'S SO TERRIBLE and Washington decides, "well you can't resign. You are Fired."

because he is Ben Tallmadge there seem to be no concrete consequences for talking to the General the way Ben does in this particular scene, even though GWash could quite possibly have him fed to an angry sheep.

Caleb has a very Emotionally Moving convo with Mary and it comes back to help him out later.

Abe and Simcoe make eye contact and Simcoe's like "MURDER TIME YAY" and chases him. Abe tries to shoot him, misses. Chase resumes until Abe is cornered. AND CALEB JUST TAKES SIMCOE THE FRICK OUT HE JUST. NAILS HIM, KABOOM. +1000 FOR THE BLESSED BEARDY WHALER FLOWER MAN.

For good measure, Abe then flings Simcoe off a thing and the man slithers away in the time it takes Abe to get down there. Abe pulls a pistol on him in front of several other guys, none of whom notice, but then leaves without actually shooting the scarecrow.

Caleb shows up to talk to some Soldier Bois like "have you seen my spy" and they have but it's Champe. But !! they tell him some Stuff about where to find Abe and he's like "well that's good" and jogs on his merry way to find that Boy.

also Hewlett doesn't play he's all about "you killed my horse, and we're about to have a discussion."

Yorktown, meanwhile, Looms, and the Biggest Question is whether they'll be able to wrap this up without E10 being movie-length.

#Turn: Washington's Spies #I just wasted my entire life writing this #Turn S4 #Spoilers #and a lot of nonsense :P #cw: excessive use of the word 'like'#~ ain't treason if there's good reason | CRACK ~#I tried to keep it short but it turned into a monster

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