What If I Just Ranked Every Single Luca Marinelli Character From The Least Hot To The Absolute Hottest?
Based entirely on how a character looks and literally nothing else. Let’s go.
21. Andrea (La grande bellezza)
Sorry, dude.
20. Fabrizio (Nina)
Maybe he would be higher if I could actually see him.
19. Diabolik (Diabolik)
Nice widow’s peak, asshole.
18. Saint Joseph (Maria di Nazaret)
It’s the constant dumb expression on his face for me.
17. Ettore (Lasciati andare)
He looks like shit but at least he’s got flavor.
16. Mattia Balossino (La solitudine dei numeri primi)
He’s fine, but he’s nothing special.
15. Paolo (Il padre d’Italia)
Let’s be real, he’s sweet but he’s nothing special either.
14. Valerio (Slam - Tutto per una ragazza)
I know you guys wanna bang him. I guess some people just like risking STDs for a quick disappointing fuck.
13. Roberta (L’ultimo terrestre)
The absolute queen. She would have been higher on the list with more appearances and a better wig.
12. Nicky/Nicolo di Genova (The Old Guard)
Those sideburns, man. Also when there was an actual theory going around that Nicky was made ugly on purpose for this movie, do you expect him to land in the top 10? (He’s not ugly btw I’m just quoting you guys.)
11. Loris (Il mondo fino in fondo)
He’s hot and that’s the only thing he’s got going for him.
10. Gabriele (Waves)
He’s hot like Loris but in a more refreshing way.
9. Cesare (Non essere cattivo)
He’s hella cute y’all are just haters.
8. Fabio (Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot)
He’s very hot and he would have been in the top 5 if he washed his hair more often.
7. Guido Caselli (Tutti i santi giorni)
You don’t need me to explain why he’s so high on the list.
6. Martin Eden (Martin Eden)
If you’re curious why this one is so high on the list, ask literally every movie critic who was waxing poetic about his beauty.
5. Mickey Miranda (Die Pfeiler der Macht)
He’s hot and slutty and he looks like no Luca has ever looked. Saint Joseph wishes he had those curls.
4. Milton (Una questione privata)
He’s like Martin Eden but softer, younger and with kinder eyes.
3. Fabrizio de André (Fabrizio de André - Principe libero)
He’s so soft and beautiful and his hair is so silky.
2. Lui (Ricordi?)
There’s just something about him that is so arrrggghhh that I just couldn’t put him lower.
1. Primo Nizzuto (Trust)
Like there could ever be anyone else at number 1. Puh-lease.
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The Most Important Review of Every Single Luca Marinelli Film
Listen, I’m not here to tell you if a movie’s plot is well-structured or whatever, ok? I’m here for objective, factual data on how Luca Marinelli’s brand is adhered to in every movie he’s been in so far.
(all gifs by @weardes)
La solitudine dei numeri primi (2010)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No.
Does Luca eat? No.
Does Luca get slapped? No. His life is hard enough as it is.
Is Luca naked? He’s wearing speedos in one scene, but he’s covered in s*lf-h*rm marks, it’s very sad and not sexy at all.
Is Luca gay? Hell if I know.
Is Luca a slut? He talks to like two people in the whole movie.
Lucameter: 2/100 pathetic (but like I get it it’s his first movie w/e)
L'ultimo terrestre (2011)
Does Luca smoke? Yes.
Does Luca sing? No, but Roberta is a captivating dancer.
Does Luca eat? No, though she takes a shot once.
Does Luca get slapped? Yes, but not in a fun way :(
Is Luca naked? No, but there are some thighs and belly with a mini skirt in between. No complaints.
Is Luca gay? Not enough data.
Is Luca a slut? No.
Lucameter: 1/100 horrible, Roberta deserved better
Waves (2011)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? Yes, drunkenly!
Does Luca eat? They just won’t let him put food into his mouth! Watching Gabriele trying and failing to eat is Hitchcock-level suspense, though it all comes to a very satisfying conclusion when the camera isn’t focusing on him for a second, and he friggin’ inhales the food off the table.
Does Luca get slapped? No, but he gets pushed around a lot.
Is Luca naked? No, but he does take off his shirt a couple of times. Also his legs are like completely hairless?? Has anyone ever noticed that? They shaved his legs!
Is Luca gay? No proof that he is, no proof that he isn’t.
Is Luca a slut? No, he is the sweetest purest cinnamon roll.
Lucameter: 37/100 it’s getting better
Nina (2011)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No, but he plays the cello and dances.
Does Luca eat? No.
Does Luca get slapped? No.
Is Luca naked? No, though even if he was, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it because he never gets any close-ups or decent lighting.
Is Luca gay? He’s shown to be into ladies.
Is Luca a slut? Please, he’s barely even a character.
Lucameter: 0/100 unwatchable
Tutti i santi giorni (2012)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No.
Does Luca eat? Yes, and he cooks!
Does Luca get slapped? Yes, lightly, in a patronizing way.
Is Luca naked? Oh yes.
Is Luca gay? He’s religiously devoted to his lady love.
Is Luca a slut? Not so much a slut as a hella thirsty bitch.
Lucameter: 43/100 half down ponytail saves lives
Maria di Nazaret (2012)
Does Luca smoke? No, obviously.
Does Luca sing? No. He dances once - very clumsily.
Does Luca eat? No.
Does Luca get slapped? No, though he almost drops a house on himself.
Is Luca naked? Guys, it’s a Bible movie.
Is Luca gay? Come on, he’s Saint Joseph.
Is Luca a slut? Lol no.
Lucameter: -10/100 just for that hair
La grande bellezza (2013)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No.
Does Luca eat? No.
Does Luca get slapped? No.
Is Luca naked? Full frontal, but in a disturbing way. Red body paint is involved.
Is Luca gay? Who’s to say?
Is Luca a slut? Please.
Lucameter: 4/100 which is more than the number of his on-screen minutes
Il mondo fino in fondo (2013)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No.
Does Luca eat? Briefly; he mostly drinks.
Does Luca get slapped? No, but he gets a fruit thrown at him.
Is Luca naked? He’s never more naked than a T-shirt and underwear, but those fuzzy thighs strike back hard after Waves.
Is Luca gay? He’s married to a woman.
Is Luca a slut? I mean, he’s married but goes to a strip club anyway.
Lucameter: 12/100 though he looks really hot in this movie
Non essere cattivo (2015)
Does Luca smoke? Yes, a lot, and he does lots of harder stuff.
Does Luca sing? No, but boy does he dance.
Does Luca eat? He briefly chews on something, but he mostly drinks.
Does Luca get slapped? Yes, wonderfully, multiple times, so good.
Is Luca naked? Fully clothed the entire time.
Is Luca gay? He emanates just the most Gay Longing™
Is Luca a slut? Not actually in practice, but the vibe is there.
Lucameter: 86/100 would have been more if he’d had any nude scenes, but that butt in those jeans is very much appreciated
Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot (2015)
Does Luca smoke? No, he takes care of his body!
Does Luca sing? Only in the best karaoke scene ever committed to screen. And a little in the car with his buddies. It’s wholesome.
Does Luca eat? He gets a whole ball of mozzarella shoved into his mouth. Luca Marinelli... is lactose intolerant.
Does Luca get slapped? No, but he gets sexy scratches on his face, so points for originality.
Is Luca naked? He’s got all the buttons of his shirt undone in one scene, and there’s also like a quarter of the butt.
Is Luca gay? He’s definitely not straight.
Is Luca a slut? He’s a slut for YouTube views and empowering female songs.
Lucameter: 97/100 I was missing The Slap but whatcha gonna do
Die Pfeiler der Macht (2016)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No, but he dances sluttily.
Does Luca eat? Yes, though all the food in this movie looks disgusting.
Does Luca get slapped? Very hard.
Is Luca naked? Not as naked as he should be considering the everything about him.
Is Luca gay? He fucks everything in this movie.
Is Luca a slut? He fucks everything in this movie.
Lucameter: 64/100 weak
Slam - Tutto per una ragazza (2016)
Does Luca smoke? Yes.
Does Luca sing? No.
Does Luca eat? No.
Does Luca get slapped? No.
Is Luca naked? He gives us a full butt moment.
Is Luca gay? Not in the slightest.
Is Luca a slut? Definitely, but it all happens off screen somewhere.
Lucameter: 34/100 the butt is doing all the work here
Il padre d'Italia (2017)
Does Luca smoke? Yes, a lot.
Does Luca sing? Yes, and he dances while singing!
Does Luca eat? No, but he drinks champagne like a fancy bitch.
Does Luca get slapped? Yes, by life.
Is Luca naked? We get everything in the first five minutes. Everything.
Is Luca gay? Yes, canonically and explicitly.
Is Luca a slut? No, he’s full of gay sin and self-loathing.
Lucameter: 99/100 glorious
Lasciati andare (2017)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No.
Does Luca eat? No.
Does Luca get slapped? He doesn’t have time for anything else but he always has time to get slapped.
Is Luca naked? Not in the slightest.
Is Luca gay? He just wants to be loved T__T
Is Luca a slut? The virgin vibes are stronger than in the Bible movie.
Lucameter: 8/100 it didn’t have to be this way
Una questione privata (2017)
Does Luca smoke? This movie is covered in smoke from Milton’s cigarettes. Seriously, he smokes all the time. Including the scene where he gets called ugly.
Does Luca sing? No, not even in the scene where he gets called ugly.
Does Luca eat? He drinks an egg, though not in the scene where he gets called ugly.
Does Luca get slapped? No. He gets called ugly, though.
Is Luca naked? No.
Is Luca gay? Strong bisexual vibes from this one.
Is Luca a slut? Again, major virgin energy.
Lucameter: 17/100 can you imagine they had the audacity to call him ugly???
Fabrizio De André - Principe libero (2018)
Does Luca smoke? In every scene. Every. Single. One.
Does Luca sing? Duh, while playing the guitar.
Does Luca eat? Yes.
Does Luca get slapped? No, everybody is soft for Fabrizio.
Is Luca naked? He’s wearing nothing but a bath towel for a whole scene.
Is Luca gay? He’s very much into ladies, although he’s got sizzling chemistry with every male character.
Is Luca a slut? He’s very into ladies.
Lucameter: 94/100 almost perfect
Trust (2018)
(it’s not a movie, but Primo is so iconic I can’t and shan’t leave him out)
Does Luca smoke? It’s the 70s and Italy, come on.
Does Luca sing? Unfortunately, he doesn’t, but he’s one hell of a dancer.
Does Luca eat? Munches on spaghetti like there’s no tomorrow.
Does Luca get slapped? Yes. And he doesn’t forget it.
Is Luca naked? Sadly no, but man does the camera love his butt hugged tightly by those slutty 1970s pants. Also balls. Just... just balls.
Is Luca gay? We don’t know for sure, but his whole vibe is kinda the exact opposite of heterosexuality.
Is Luca a slut? For money and power.
Lucameter: 82/100 would benefit from like a karaoke scene or something
Ricordi? (2018)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No.
Does Luca eat? Yes.
Does Luca get slapped? No.
Is Luca naked? Oh yes. And he fuuuuuuuuuuucks.
Is Luca gay? This relationship is so heterosexual the couple are literally called Him and Her.
Is Luca a slut? He fucks a lot, but somehow in a very unslutty way. He’s mostly just sad.
Lucameter: 51/100 and he’s called ugly again???
Martin Eden (2019)
Does Luca smoke? Yes.
Does Luca sing? Amazingly, yes, very softly. He also dances.
Does Luca eat? Yep.
Does Luca get slapped? Finally the slappee has become the slapper.
Is Luca naked? Man, I wish. He doesn’t even take his shirt off like wtf dude what did you build all that bigness for???
Is Luca gay? No, and I think he’d be happier if he were.
Is Luca a slut? No, and again, I think it’d have served him better to be a slut.
Lucameter: 62/100 it’s a fine movie that would’ve benefited from more trademark Luca stuff okay
The Old Guard (2020)
Does Luca smoke? No.
Does Luca sing? No.
Does Luca eat? Briefly.
Does Luca get slapped? A lot of violence happens in this movie, but not a single slap, ridiculous.
Is Luca naked? Shirtless, with a close-up on the nipple.
Is Luca gay? Oh, I don’t know, does being one half of the most wholesome and perfect gay couple count?
Is Luca a slut? How dare you. He’s been happily married for 900 years.
Lucameter: 25/100 none of Luca’s trademarks are present but the epicness of his immortal marriage warms me when I shiver in cold
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