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ilyjohnb · 3 years

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a/n: I decided to try my hand at a 3+1. I also started posting these on my AO3. FYI, JJ is not abused in this one and it does not follow any of the plot from the show. **gif credit to @ptersparkers**

requester: anon “hiii!! :) could you do “Can I stay here tonight?” with john b please? :)”

summary: to simply put it, your home life sucks. you had managed to hide it from the pogues, until one night when things got really bad and you needed to stay the night at john b’s.

warnings: abuse, child abuse, swearing, slut-shaming

word count: 1997

~~ONE~~

John B was the first one to realize that something wasn’t right with you and your home life. You were all 10, and it was lunchtime. You were all sitting down at the table. John B was on your left. Pope, Kie, and JJ were on the other side in that order.

“I hate school. This place sucks ass.” JJ laughed.

Kie smiled. “At least the food is good.”

“Just barely though!” Pope shouted, making the other four laugh.

“I like school.” You mumbled and slightly frowned. You subconsciously rubbed the bruise on your left forearm that your mom gave you the previous night because you forgot to take the trash out. School was the only place where you didn’t have to worry if your mother was going to be drunk or high out of her mind, and it was the only time where you didn’t have to cook for yourself either.

John B heard you though, and he noticed the bruise when your sleeve moved up from you rubbing your arm. He could see it clear as day, on your forearm there was a nasty purple bruise the size of your hand that wrapped around all the way.

You didn’t notice John B staring, but you did notice the bruise peeking out. You quickly slid your sleeve back down and focused on your mashed potatoes.

~~TWO~~

He never confronted you about that time, he didn’t even know how he would start. He eventually began picking up on your signs that you were nervous. He may not be as smart as Pope, but John B was far from dumb. He noticed how you would tense at even the mention of your mom or home. His next major clue was when you all were 15.

“Hello, Y/n.”

You nervously took a breath, trying to read the situation. “Hi, mom.”

“Guess what you didn’t do? You left here for two days and didn’t even clean the dishes before you left.”

As she stepped closer to you, you could smell the alcohol. “I’m so sorry, I’ll get started right away.”

“Punishment first, girl.”

“Mom, please. I’m sorry it was an accident and it won’t happen again.”

She just smiled evilly. “Nothing to do now or take it. You get it now, or it doubles.”

Your hand began to shake. “Yes, ma’am.”

She walked over and punched you right in the stomach. Your eyes squeezed shut, and you bit on your lip so you could hold in your whimper. She kicked you this time and shoved you to the floor. She punched you one last time in the eye before grabbing you by your hair, using her knee to hold down your right arm.

“Open your eyes. Now, do you remember what you said earlier?”

You nodded, before opening your mouth to speak, a hoarse whisper came out that you barely even recognized to be your voice. “It won’t happen again.”

After that, you washed the dishes, before going to bed. You waited until she left the next morning to sneak out. You had promised the Pogues a day on the boat. It would be John B’s first time to drive it without his dad, Big John, there too. You quickly looked at yourself in the mirror.

A big bruise was prominent on your stomach, another on your eye, and one more on your forearm. You put on the one two-piece bathing suit that you owned with a huge oversized shirt over that. You tied your bandana on your arm to hide that bruise. For your eye, you’d just have to come up with some lie.

You didn’t live that far from JB, so you took a nice walk. It was nice until you got to John B’s. You walked in the door, expecting to see all of your best friends, but the only person was Big John. He was sitting on the chair, so he saw you walk in.

“Y/n! How are you doing?” You loved John B’s dad. He reminded you a lot of Heyward, Pope’s dad. They both adored you, and you and your friends treated them as if they were all your dads.

“I’m doing pretty good.” You smiled, lying.

“Oh yeah?” You nodded. “Then what happened to your eye.”

“You know me, I got into a fight. Where's everyone at?”

“They’re in the boat, waiting for you. See you all when you get back. And for the love of God, don’t let my son kill you all.”

“Yes sir!” You laughed and went out the back door. You quickly stuck your head back in. “See you Pops!”

You started running down the dock, smiling at your friends. “Is that a wild Y/n/n I see?”

“Yes, it is, JJ. I’m a wild spirit who refuses to be tamed.”

He smiled back at you, holding out his hand to help you in the boat. You saw his eyes flick up to your bruised one. He didn’t ask any questions. You went and sat down as John B steered you all into swimmable waters. He put out the anchor, and then everyone didn’t hesitate to throw their shirts off and jump in. All except you and John B.

“Not getting in, Y/n/n?”

“Not feeling it today. You’re not getting in?”

“I went surfing this morning, so I’m a little sore. What happened to your eye?”

“Fight with a kook.”

You looked down at your bandana and noticed that it was becoming loose. You waited until you were certain he looked away before taking it off and refolding it. You were in your own world, trying to match the folds up exactly. He looked over and saw the bruise. He was almost certain that he knew what was happening to you. He thought it was what happened to you at home, but a fight with a kook was extremely possible too. He looked away quickly and didn’t mention it.

~~THREE~~

By this time, he knew. He may not have gotten confirmation with you, but John Booker Routledge knew that his best friend was getting abused by her mom. He knew he’d have to confront you eventually. He wanted to help you get out of that situation.

This time happened six weeks later. He dropped you off at your door with the promise that he’d walk with you in the morning, to take you for breakfast.

“See you in the morning John B.” You don’t know what came over you, but you leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. You turned and walked in your front door before he could see the small blush that was creeping up your cheeks.

“So now you’re a slut? Makes sense I only see you hanging out with those three boys. Didn’t I raise you better, Y/n?”

“I’m sorry?” You asked, genuinely confused. Wrong move on your part.

“I think you heard me loud and clear. I saw you kissing that boy, you slut.”

“Mom, no. I swear it was just a friendship thing.” You lied, you did have a crush on John B but your mom didn’t need to know that.

She had enough, shoving you back into the wall. You don’t know what came over you, but you did it. You finally did it. For once in your life, you fought back. You kicked out your leg, knocking her down. She reached over and hit you in the eye, grabbing at your neck. She began to try to choke you, but you brought your leg up to kick her square in the chest. She let you go, the wind knocked out of her.

You took the opportunity and ran. You put your hood up and kept your head down. You didn’t even have to look up, it was like muscle memory at this point. You walked around the house to his window, before knocking.

“Y/n?”

“Hi John B.” You weakly smiled, urgency evident in your voice. “Can I stay here tonight?”

“Yeah of course Y/n/n, come on in.”

He helped you in his window before quietly tiptoeing out of his room. You awkwardly sat down on his bed, and he soon came back with a bag of ice.

“For your eye.” you almost forgot. “I know what happened.”

“Yeah, kooks are vicious at night and-”

“Y/n,” He cut you off. “Stop lying. I dropped you off at your house at 11:30, and you don’t typically go out after that. At least not by yourself. I know you. Just let me help you, me and dad can help get you away from your mom.” He pleaded.

“I came here to stay the night, not be met with false accusations.”

“Are they really false though?” He asked.

You sat there, opening your mouth in search of an answer. He had that look on his face, the same one he made when he won. You didn’t want him to win, at least no right now. You stood up and walked towards the window. Tears were gathering in your eyes. You quickly choked out and answer.

“I’m going to stay at JJ’s. Good night John B. Thank you for the bag of ice.”

He didn’t know why he let you go, but he felt horrible. He was so close to getting the truth out of you, but he was worried if he kept pressing he’d scare you away. He decided he’d wait extra time before asking you again.

~~ + ONE~~

You had finally decided that you had enough. You didn’t want to deal with your mom anymore. 12 years. That’s how long your mother used you as a punching bag. It started after your dad left when you were 4, and you were 16 now. You had waited until your mom drank until she blacked out before you tossed as much stuff that you could into your duffle bag, packing more in your backpack. You tied the laces of your one pair of sneakers together and threw them over your head. You slipped on your flip-flops and left, with your head held high and not looking back.

You texted John B, asking if you could come over. It was 2 am but you were ready to go. As if he could read your mind, John B said you could. You ran faster than you’d ever had. When you got there John B sat with his window open, waiting for you. He took your bag and helped you in the window. You slipped the shoes off your neck and sat down on his window sill.

“You were right.” You told him.

He was holding your face in his, searching for injuries. “About what, bubba?”

“My mom and my home life. How long have you known?”

“I first noticed when we were 10. We were at lunch, you said that you liked school after we were all complaining about it, you had rubbed your arm and your sleeve rolled up and I saw a bruise. Why did you never say anything before? I could’ve helped you get out of there so much sooner.”

You sighed. “I knew it was bad, but I was embarrassed. Do you remember that one day on the boat like a year ago? When I wouldn’t go swimming? It was because my mom beat the absolute shit out of me the night before. And then there was that day I asked to stay the night, I was all sweaty from running and my eye was bruised. It was from my mom, but that was the first day I fought back. I left tonight because of you. Thank you John B.”

You were both staring into each other’s eyes, and he slowly leaned in. You leaned in too, to speed it up. And you kissed. You eventually told the other pogues, your mom got arrested, and you and JB started dating. You finally got out of the home all thanks to John B.

#john b routledge #outer banks #john b imagine #john b x reader #john b x fem!reader #john b one shot #outer banks imagine #obx imagine #my writing

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lovelikedestiny · 3 years

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4. Booker: How shall I win back

Warmth in every curl of lip,

keeping first watch every night.

Finding out that he may have sentenced one of the people who never failed him to final death with his original plan was not on Booker's checklist. Standing up? Yes. Fighting the urge to drown his inner pain in alcohol before noon? Also. Finding his place back in the family he betrayed? Hell yes!

But not that. Never that.

It is true that in his worst moments he looked - poisoned by jealousy - at the happiness Joe and Nicky had with their mutual immortality. That he was angry because he would never be allowed to have something like that ever again. That he hated it when Nicky and Joe were so careful and loving to take him into their family and not to exclude him because he didn't deserve their kindness.

But even then, Booker never wished to destroy their happiness in any way. Because even if the love of the two for each other is obvious, being part of their family meant being loved by them. To bask in the warm glow of their relationship while Nicky prepared humming food in the kitchen and made interjections in the remarks of the day, which Joe told Booker with such funny expressions, fake voices and hand movements that Booker laid laughing under the table. Nicky's and Joe's love belongs only to the two of them, but it gives so much more to those around.

It reminds Booker that he is not completely alone and has support. A home. Every day it shows Booker the good they are fighting for. It reminds Booker how to live when all he wants to do is die.

Congratulations. You did a great job.

He probably even deserves that he not only betrayed his family now, but also started to destroy them from the inside. The agony of knowing he did this to Nicky will burn and burn in his chest, between his ribs for eternity, and for one cruel second Booker thinks that this is only fair if they can't find a cure for Nicky. Because compared to Joe's pain if they should lose Nicky, his guilt is not even a fraction.

Oh god, Joe. His best friend. Bad jokes, stupid but fun actions, joint soccer games, a bright grin. All of this is wiped away like dust and reveals the almost broken mirror underneath, the glass of which is showing more and more cracks.

The silence that follows Copley's revelation cracks in Booker's ears, pushing him down and crushing him with its weight. It would be so easy if Joe showed any sign of anger at him. If he directed angry words at him, hit him and made him bleed because the physical pain would distract Booker from the gash that is opening in his heart.

Booker could handle an angry Joe, shit, that would be exactly what he'd deserve. They let him into their family again, put their trust - at least the trace that existed - in him and now it turns out that Booker is the wolf in sheep's clothing in their midst. God, Universe, you assholes, now would be a good time to strike me with a lightning bolt.

But Joe does nothing, and Booker bites his tongue so hard that he can taste the metallic flavor that has been their companion for centuries. Just like Death, who reaches for them with bony fingers but couldn't hold them. Until now. The idea that death at that moment could reach out its fingers to grab Nicky is unbearable for Booker.

Still completely motionless, Joe sits next to Nicky and looks blankly at Copley, who closes his laptop so quietly as if he were afraid that any noise would tear them out of their silent state. And then Joe turns his head painfully in slow motion. Not to look at Booker with anger and hatred and disgust, but to look at Nicky, which is much worse for Booker than an angry Joe. Because the silent scream that leaps from Joe's face at Booker hits him like a fist in the stomach. It takes a lot of effort not to double over.

Nicky has still fixed his eyes on Copley, his face unfathomable, untouched as a surface of water, but Booker knows that Nicky always tries hard not to let anything out when the rage inside him is all the more violent.

This knowledge is not helpful to Booker's emotional state. Even though Nicky doesn't look at Joe, there is the kind of creepy and impressive communication between the two that Booker has not seen for the first time, and Nicky reaches for Joe's hand, which is already moving towards his. Joe's fingers easily find Nicky's and when Nicky brings Joe's hand to his lips and kisses it, Booker mentally throws himself out the window because Joe was right. He's a selfish asshole and Nicky and Joe pay the price for it...

When Andy finally moves, Booker barely swallows his sigh in relief and Nile's attitude changes too, turning to the leader they all see in Andy and whom they always rely on.

Her ice blue eyes pierce Booker and she jerks her head, carefully controlling her noble face. “Booker, come with me. Nice work, Copley, now at least we know what kind of shit we're up against.”

She whirls around and marches out. Uncomfortably, Booker gets up and follows, more slowly but obediently. Every step drives the splinter of his failure deeper into his body.

They go to the patio door, which Andy pushes open carelessly and she only comes to a stop when they stand in the middle of Copley's garden. Whatever Andy has to say, Booker is more than ready to hear. He knows he got them into deep shit.

With her back to him, Andy stares at some nearby trees, and Booker takes waiting as a form of punishment in itself. "Boss, I-" he starts, has no idea what he's getting at. Only that he can no longer stand the silence that whispers to him traitor, failure, murderer, exile.

Lightning-fast Andy pulls the gun out of her waistband, turns half around and shoots him in the right leg.

The crashing shot startles a couple of birds, and Booker is too surprised when his leg gives way and knocks him half to one knee to make a painful sound. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

He grunts suppressed, but literally embraces the pain. Leaning on his other leg, he starts to straighten up, but Andy shoots him in the other leg and Booker grinds his teeth as he lands face first in the cool grass.

The gunshot wounds burn and Booker soaks in the earthy smell of the ground as he feels the injured tissue contract again and pushes the bullets out of the wounds. It's questionable whether Andy will shoot him again, but Booker is ready to take it.

"Fuck!" She finally growls and after Booker has rolled onto his side, he discovers that she has put her gun away again. With hands trembling and cramping with pent-up emotions, she paces back and forth in front of him, buries one hand in her hair and pulls on the dark strands in frustration. “It should have been one of us, Book. Might have been, fuck!” She kicks a stone that is probably some kind of design in Copley's garden. "Fuck, fuck, FUCK!"

Booker lets her scold and curse and kick the stone and sits up because there is nothing he can say to allay her anger stemming from underlying fear and concern.

"Get up, you fucking asshole!" Andy finally hisses at him and Booker obeys the order with his head bowed. He doesn't blame Andy for the gunshot wounds or her insults, she always tends to speak out when something has shaken her to the bone.

You killed her baby brother.

Shut the fuck up, Booker instructs his inner voice, gritting his teeth, as he has done since he and the others took different paths on the banks of the Thames.

“Why couldn't it have hit me? I'm already mortal, damn it!” Andy gives the impression that she would like to shoot something or demolish one of Copley's raised beds. “Both of us, Book, have been so sick of this endless life and have only seen the burden of many lonely years with no light at the end of the tunnel. And Nicky and Joe, of all people, who saw time as a gift, have now got what we both have always hoped for. Life ain't fucking fair. But why Nicky?"

Why the heart?

Continue reading on AO3 ;)

#the old guard #fanfiction #tears on marble face #chapter four #Booker #Joe #Nicky #Copley #Andy

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placetobenation · 3 years

Link

The Road to WrestleMania is off to a white hot start!

Your first two superstars set for Tampa April 10-11 are Bianca Belair and Edge with their respective Royal Rumble wins. Both had magical runs with Edge running the table for a full hour from the #1 spot while Belair almost matched him from the #3 position, going 56+ minutes.

I thought both Rumble matches were very good with men’s being a bit more cohesive. They missed a storyline detail with Orton’s face being magically cured just 6 days after seeing it exposed on RAW. I’m glad they didn’t go down the road of Orton missing most of the Rumble with the new injury and then coming back at the end to eliminate Edge. Edge going wire-to-wire was inspirational. Ricochet being in and no Keith Lee was never explained, although I’m sure it was COVID-19 related for Lee with Mia Yim already announcing she had tested positive prior that weekend. Bad Bunny taking out The Miz & John Morrison was your entertainment clip for the next day and the start of a beautiful relationship with the WWE for Latin rapper/wrestling fan. Good showings for the returning Seth Rollins, Big E and Damian Priest with 4 eliminations a piece to lead the men. Omos got two eliminations from the outside when he pulled out Big E and Rey Mysterio. At what point do they expose him to some action in the ring?

Bad Bunny Hits Frog Splash Off the Top Rope at Royal Rumble, Take That Miz! https://t.co/d7AlwU7lqx

— TMZ (@TMZ) February 2, 2021

On the women’s side, Billie Kay was funny, Rhea Ripley was a beast with a night-topping 7 eliminations and the final three was fantastic with Belair, Ripley and Flair.

Roman Reigns and Kevin Owens stole the night going around Tropicana Field beating the holy hell out of each other. I’m just glad Paul Heyman finally got those handcuffs off!

Sasha Banks vs. Carmella was very good, but I just wonder what they do with Carmella now after all the hype.

Drew McIntyre and Goldberg did what they needed to do – pass the torch of respect and keep Goldberg in mind, looking relatively strong for another match at WrestleMania.

The less we say about the kick-off women’s tag team championship match the better. Predictable as the day is long and we get Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler as champs again, YAWN!

Star of the Week:

Edge – Seriously, is any explanation needed?!

RAW

RESULTS

United States Championship Match: Riddle defeated Bobby Lashley by DQ

Xavier Woods defeated Mustafa Ali

Damian Priest defeated The Miz

RAW Tag Team Championship Match: The Hurt Business defeated Lucha House Party

Triple Threat Tag Team Elimination Match: Naomi & Lana defeated Charlotte Flair & Asuka and Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke to win championship match

Jeff Hardy & Carlito defeated Jaxson Ryker & Elias

Alexa Bliss defeated Nikki Cross

Edge defeated Randy Orton

Needless to say Edge is having one hell of a week and Monday Night RAW and thus, we the fans, are benefitting.

Monday Night EDGE was full of the Royal Rumble winner from Sunday night. First, off, he sets the tone for the night by telling WWE Champion Drew McIntyre that he and he only, will set the place and time when he decides who Edge will face at WrestleMania.

Why @WWESheamus WHY?! The Celtic Warrior has just Brogue Kicked his best friend @DMcIntyreWWE on #WWERaw! pic.twitter.com/YoDWX6oyuN

— WWE (@WWE) February 2, 2021

Just a few moments later, Sheamus turned on his friend of 20 years, setting up their feud and future title match.

Amazing.@ArcherofInfamy just got words of encouragement from @EdgeRatedR. What a first night on #WWERaw! pic.twitter.com/WzjQ2KQxST

— WWE (@WWE) February 2, 2021

Then, later on in the show, Edge gives his rub and thumbs up to Damian Priest, RAW’s newest member after his Royal Rumble debut. Finally, after a challenge from old friend Randy Orton, Edge puts to bed his feud with The Legend Killer with an assist from Alexa Bliss. A fun night of EDGE indeed!

An unnerving distraction, to say the least, for @RandyOrton…#WWERaw @AlexaBliss_WWE pic.twitter.com/paRiHFui8X

— WWE (@WWE) February 2, 2021

Speaking of Little Miss Bliss, she continues to be a primetime player, inserting herself into the finish of the Edge/Orton match, paying back The Viper for his costing her the RAW Women’s Championship one week earlier. You wonder if at some point, they have them face-off in the ring in an intergender match. And oh yes, we’re just waiting for the reincarnation of The Fiend before WrestleMania.

It looks like we will get an intergender match between Xavier Woods and RECKONING once Mia Yim comes back from COVID-19. It’s now 2-2 between Woods and RETRIBUTION, so Woods wants the tiebreaker. We can only hope it’s as good as Sasha Banks vs. Reginald.

Damian Priest, along with Bad Bunny, made their RAW debuts a successful one taking out The Miz. Say what you will about celebrities, but I though Bad Bunny made a good showing with the leap off the top rope at the Royal Rumble and then with appearance on MizTV followed by the Priest/Miz match. I can just see a tag team match down the road, maybe at WrestleMania coming. It’s a win-win for the WWE with mainstream following of Bad Bunny. BTW: Booker T is hilarious in his old GI Bro get-up for the video.

Nice to see Carlito back in the Rumble and on RAW. Not sure why he’s teaming with Jeff Hardy other than filling up a spot to take down Jaxon Ryker & Elias, a team that seems to be going nowhere after an impressive start.

As for The Hurt Business, Bobby Lashley won the war but lost the battle by DQ to Riddle. There’s most to come between those two I’m sure. Meanwhile, the tension continues between Cedric Alexander, Shelton Benjamin and MVP. It’s only a matter of time before the unfortunate break-up between these three. It’s unnecessary for sure.

NXT

RESULTS

Dusty Rhodes Women’s Tag Team Classic Semifinals: Raquel Gonzalez & Dakota Kai defeated Kacy Catanzaro & Kayden Carter

Austin Theory defeated Leon Ruff

Dusty Rhodes Men’s Tag Team Classic Quarterfinals: Legado del Fantasma defeated Lucha House Party

Jessi Kamea defeated Toni Storm by DQ

NXT Cruiserweight Championship Match: Santos Escobar defeated Curt Stallion

Dusty Rhodes Men’s Tag Team Classic Quarterfinals: Timothy Thatcher & Tommaso Ciampa defeated The Undisputed Era

Talk about a jam packed two-hour show folks! NXT had it in spades Wednesday night.

.@KacyCatanzaro is a HUMAN HIGHLIGHT REEL.#WWENXT #DustyClassic @RaquelWWE pic.twitter.com/pm7E2BnePb

— WWE NXT (@WWENXT) February 4, 2021

To start the night, Raquel Gonzalez & Dakota Kai fought off a valiant effort from the underdog team of Kacy Catanzaro & Kayden Carter to gain a spot in the Dusty Rhodes Women’s Tag Team Classic Finals. Truth be told, I thought Kacy & Kayden were going to pull off the upset until Gonzalez’ brute strength won out.

What can you say about Leon Ruff and Austin Theory? Loved the way the match played out. Everything was entertaining and made sense. Ember Moon, Shotzi Blackheart, Indie Hartwell and Candice LeRae was just enough to let Ruff pull off an Eddie Guerrero tribute to get Johnny Gargano tossed. Theory getting the win was the right choice and then Dexter Lumis making the save while pulling out Theory’s hair extends the story.

Lucha Libre grabbed the spotlight as Legado del Fantasma took out Lucha House Party in a high-flying match. Now, we get MSK and Legado in the Dusty Rhodes Men’s Classic Semi’s next week in what will be a certain classic.

.@EdgeRatedR hasn't held the #NXTTitle yet. Ya know, #WrestleMania would be a great time to hold it… just saying.#WWENXT @FinnBalor @PeteDunneYxB pic.twitter.com/GMU6NixS4e

— WWE NXT (@WWENXT) February 4, 2021

What better way to put more intensity into Finn Balor and Pete Dunne’s NXT TakeOver: Vengeance Day announcement then to put the Rater R Superstar right in the middle of it! Edge’s first visit to NXT puts even more intrigue into who the Royal Rumble winner will face at WrestleMania. Talk about a promo bringing goosebumps. That was it, friends. Straight to the point and I loved the line about sometimes in WWE they focus more about the “E” but in NXT, it’s more about the “W.”

"𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝒕𝒊𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒉𝒂 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦."#WWENXT pic.twitter.com/Y0WphQYYE6

— WWE NXT (@WWENXT) February 4, 2021

How old is Tian Sha? Did they 1,000 years old? #Intrigued

I could’ve done without the run-in by Mercedes Martinez and Io Shira in the Toni Storm vs. Jessi Kamea match. The DQ ending in under two minutes didn’t do anyone any justice. But, let’s be honest, when Shirai, Storm and Martinez is the low point of your show, that’s a pretty damn good night!

Never scared, never intimidated, ALWAYS Chingon #NORespect

@WWE belongs to my Legado. pic.twitter.com/djbR1uL8UB

— SANTOS ESCOBAR

(@EscobarWWE) February 4, 2021

Santos Escobar is Elite. That much he proved again with another successful defense of his NXT Cruiserweight Championship over Curt Stallion. There’s few that can match in move for move in the ring. But, now where will this latest beef with Karrion Kross lead to while Scarlett watches him win and then Kross gives him the gift of time after beating up Joaquin Wilde and Raul Mendoza. Tick. Tock. Who’s on the clock. Could it be Edge and Kross? Yes, please!

"Words like that, they can be motivating. They can motivate me to come back here. I don't think you'd like that." – @EdgeRatedR to @WWEKarrionKross We'd like that very much tho' #WWENXT pic.twitter.com/QplaMEd2fY

— WWE on FOX (@WWEonFOX) February 4, 2021

Pretty sure bodies aren't meant to bend like that. #WWENXT (via @WWENXT) pic.twitter.com/5dUnjnWpog

— WWE on FOX (@WWEonFOX) February 4, 2021

For a team that was just thrown together out of respect, Tommaso Ciampa and Timothy Thatcher are making things mighty interesting in the Dusty Rhodes Men’s Tag Team Classic! I knew it would be a good main event, but that was one fun, physical match against The Undisputed Era. Thatcher even gave himself up so that Ciampa could get the pin over Roderick Strong with the Willow’s Bell. Now, it’s the Grizzled Young Veterans in the semis next week.

SMACKDOWN

RESULTS

Dominik Mysterio defeated King Corbin

Cesaro defeated Daniel Bryan

Bayley defeated Ruby Riott

Non-title SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match: Robert Roode & Dolph Ziggler defeated Otis & Chad Gable

Intercontinental Championship Triple Threat Match: Big E defeated Sami Zayn and Apollo Crews to retain title

Even an assault on both Rey and Dominik Mysterio before the match didn’t eliminate the chance of yet another Corbin vs. Dominik match this week. At least Mysterio got the pinfall this time, but it still didn’t really give me any intrigue as to why I should be invested in their story. Has Corbin given us any reason why hates the Mysterios so much? Nah, didn’t think so.

.@WWECesaro picks up a HUGE win over @WWEDanielBryan on #SmackDown! pic.twitter.com/qGw3wq4G3H

— WWE (@WWE) February 6, 2021

In better news, we get more Cesaro and Daniel Bryan. Just give these guys 60 minutes and an Ironman Match already! Love the run that Cesaro is on. There’s got to be a nice payoff coming for the King of Swing. Maybe he’ll get the spot against Roman Reigns that we all thought Bryan was going to get.

It'll be #BossTime at @DAYTONA!#SmackDown @SashaBanksWWE @NASCARONFOX pic.twitter.com/qdZr8ssMC3

— WWE (@WWE) February 6, 2021

Vroom! Vroom! Sasha Banks is going to get them started at the Daytona 500!

Give me more Reginald! Every week, he puts himself more and more of the spotlight. This week, though, he does protest too much and after telling Bianca Belair that she can’t beat Sasha, he gets a hairful of whipping ponytail across his backside. No official decision from the EST, but things are heating up with Banks, Carmella, Belair and of course, Reggie.

New music for the tag team champs plus a win over Otis & Chad Gable. Nice commentary work by The Street Profits. I’ll put this one in the same place as Bayley vs. Ruby Riott, more filler than anything special. Not bad, just not memorable.

#SmackDown @EdgeRatedR @ShinsukeN pic.twitter.com/MGbHheksHX

— WWE (@WWE) February 6, 2021

Edge and Shinsuke Nakamura. Respect.

Not sure Edge needed the Hulk Hogan rub but it was nice going down memory lane 33 years ago for Hogan vs. Andre on The Main Event.

Bye bye, @SamiZayn! #SmackDown pic.twitter.com/dfP9gvs3va

— WWE on FOX (@WWEonFOX) February 6, 2021

Good three-way work for the I-C Title between Big E, Sami Zayn and Apollo Crews. Poor Sami, gets power-pressed into the timekeeper’s area after Crews stopped him from pinning Big E for the title. In the end, Big E retains over Crews and continues his ascent on SmackDown. Who’s next?

Who will @EdgeRatedR choose to face at @WrestleMania? pic.twitter.com/Agl2AmYqap

— WWE on FOX (@WWEonFOX) February 6, 2021

Edge wraps up his week on SmackDown. But, will we get an answer to who he’ll face at WrestleMania? Reigns wants acknowledgement. Edge says he’s already taking up space in Roman’s head but he’s not here alone. Bingo! Once Reigns clears Paul Heyman and Jey Uso from the ring, Kevin Owens is back with a stunner. No decision from Edge but we do get one long smirk to end the show. Keep the intrigue going! Great decision. Slow walk it and build up the anticipation on all the shows!

Parting Shots:

Still cannot believe @RonKillings managed to cut a flawless promo on my show after tossing me around my room and taking my title! https://t.co/nIck9htkey via @YouTube

— Peter Rosenberg (@Rosenbergradio) February 2, 2021

Nicely done Peter Rosenberg. Less than 24 hours as 24/7 Champion and losing it on the YES Network LIVE!

Things are looking sweet for Valentine’s Day at NXT TakeOver: Vengeance Day.

NXT Championship: Finn Balor vs. Pete Dunne

NXT Women’s Championship Triple Threat Match: Io Shirai vs. Toni Storm vs. Mercedes Martinez

NXT North American Championship Match: Johnny Gargano vs. KUSHIDA

Dusty Rhodes Women’s Tag Team Classic Finals

Dusty Rhodes Men’s Tag Team Classic Finals

Coming up this week:

RAW: What’s next for Sheamus and Drew McIntyre?

NXT: Cameron Grimes returns Dusty Rhodes Women’s Tag Team Classic Semifinals: Candice LeRae & Indi Hartwell vs. Shotzi Blackheart & Ember Moon Dusty Rhodes Men’s Tag Team Classic Semifinals: Grizzled Young Veterans vs. Tommaso Ciampa & Timothy Thatcher Dusty Rhodes Men’s Tag Team Classic Semifinals: MSK vs. Legado del Fantasma

SMACKDOWN: Seth Rollins returns

Thanks for letting us share our thoughts! Shoot me an email at [email protected]. We’d love to hear your comments and suggestions! You can also check out my blog, The Crowe’s Nest as we delve into more pro wrestling, sports entertainment and the World of Sports. My apologies ahead of time – I AM a Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics and Bruins fan! If you’re not down with that, I’ve got TWO WORDS for you… NEW ENGLAND

#IFTTT #Place to Be Nation

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grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Mr Harper And His Amazing Magnified Wood

Transmission date: Monday 8/Tuesday 9 May 2017

Probably weirdly similar to last night's Eurovision, it's SUNDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

cold open on dean walking backstage and getting a call

it's kurt

and dean makes an implied joke about sending him porn

naturally

kurt tells him something, he starts offering unsolicited advice, kurt hangs up

dean apparently has an announcement, goes to the ring

oh jesus, this is the london episode

should be interesting

booker's still here, more's the pity

dean opens with a bad cockney accent, the crowd love him for some reason

announces that kurt isn't here tonight

so he's named dean acting GM

this is a totally sensible move that can have no possible ill effects

starts talking about how much he hates talking, miz interrupts

which seems fair

his future monk robe has got retooled a bit, looks slightly less dumb

but he's still standing next to his phenomenally-dressed wife, so it's hard to tell

miz is here to complain about dean being in any position of power ever

dean tries to give miz a match, he interrupts by saying he's had a call from steph

london crowd respond with delete chants for some reason

and steph has named miz co-acting GM

such a job title

to make sure dean doesn't leave the show in a skip in greenwich

dean's like yeah whatever i'm still gonna murder your ass at extreme rules

miz manages an aggressive counter-promo about how great he is while hiding behind his wife

dean offers a magnanimous handshake, whBRRRAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH

with his arm in a sling

i really hope this injury is a work

it feels like it

dean and miz are both like ummmmmm ok

british crowd love them some braun

braun doesn't give a fuck who's GM

you'd think he would, if only to keep track of who he needs to intimidate

braun isn't finished because roman is still walking/alive

and after him, he wants brock

now that'll be a hell of a match

and braun gets interrupted by...?

oh, that's kalisto's new music

he's back, still in his cool new moulded gear

kalisto still has beef with braun after the dumpster debacle

which is totally the terrible sequel to the final deletion

kalisto wants one of the gms to give him a match with braun

it won't end well

braun rashly says he could beat kalisto with one arm, dean's like fuck it sounds good

so yeah, this shoulder injury's a work

"So TONIGHT, it'll be the mountain of a man Braun Strowman, versus Kalisto, the world's greatest tiny little man!"

Like, I like his wrestling well enough, but dean needs to be on the mic like all the time

braun's like well fuck

guess that was probably my own fault

but i'm still gonna murder everyone here

miz's like grats dean you've killed a small mexican are we making this into czw or something

dean responds like ooh good idea, but first up you're fighting finn

have fun

this is what miz gets when he comes to a promo wearing his ring gear

fifteen minutes in, cole adds his first extraneous 'the' to tower bridge

so yes, here is everyone's favourite possessed irishman

at least, according to possessed irishman quarterly

i should really sort out my subscription list

*does the arms*

crowd loves finn, you can barely tell because the crowd acoustics in the o2 are for shite

corey's like sure i'm the heel announcer but fuck me finn's amazing

bell rings, miz leaves

if you needed me to tell you that

fuck's sake, london, don't do the 2 sweet thing

you're more creative than that

this match is like 93% finn dropkicking miz to death

and 7% miz running away

with trace elements of maryse being a distraction

miz tries for a finale, preceded by his old superhero poses

although to the average current viewer, it probably just looks like he's stealing noam's shit as well

miz's strategy in his offense phases so far seems to be actively trying to rip finn's head off his body

unconscious pele kick, both go down

giving the crowd a chance to remind us why we hate the number ten

we watch the london episodes for interesting new chants, guys

finn kicks miz off the to rope, he takes the softest bump ever to the floor, finn does a crap baseball slide, we are all saddened

finn brings it back by doing his running headpunt again

miz throws finn into the ref, gets a mic to call for the dq in his capacity as co-acting-general-manager-type-situation

they go with it, miz leaves in triumph while looking like a twat

dean walks out like what the fuck is a disqualification start the match again get that woman out of here

miz comes up the ramp to complain, bell rings again, finn rockets up the ramp to take him out

throws him into the ring, sling blade, coup de grace, end

and this is what happens when you entrust your flagship show to two men who both hate each other and are also different kinds of shitheel

but now, alexa gets cornered by nia backstage

nia wants to know why she was the only one alexa didn't insult last week

alexa's like oh hey nia i get that you're awesome

nia's like if i'm so great give me a title shot after bayley

alexa says she doesn't make the matches

nia responds with "Well then, until we sort this out, looks like you've got a new best friend."

slaps her on the back, leaves, alexa is left looking equal parts smug and terrified

and now we're back in the ring, and here comes alexa

flanked by the large samoan woman who's on this show

okay, shut up, she's from hawai'i

but she's an anoa'i, so that totally fucking counts

mickie turns up looking smug, bayley's music hits

so it looks like mickie's got a friend as well

i think in both these partnerships, the woman in the ring should probably be the one on the outside running hype

can you imagine bayley/nia, with alexa and mickie only there to talk smack?

alexa hides behind the referee because she comes up to his thighs

gets kicked in the face anyway

london crowd take a break from singing hey bayley to sing mickey, for reasons that we totally cannot fathom it's not like it sounds like anything else get out of my office

mickie does a rana, it looks really strange thanks to the combination of her legs for miles and alexa's entire body for yards

also, note that alexa is back to being toni stark

this is a good match, the crowd are far more interested in the fact that bayley's in the room

mickie heads to the top rope, nia grabs her leg long enough for alexa to punch her in the face

bayley goes for nia at ringside, alexa gets the dirty pin, end

well, end the match

alexa runs away, bayley pursues

leaving nia here with an injured mickie

massive corner splash, elbow drop, walk off because this bitch ain't worth my time

but now, dean is backstage with a production assistant

miz turns up like what the fuck is even going on

dean tells him to see him in his office, miz is like what the actual fuck why does this trashpile get an office and i don't

dean's apparently planned the entire show, tells miz to go home

miz wanted to do miztv with one of one direction, but dean's been too busy making matches

miz comes back like you like matches so much, you're fighting bray wyatt fuck you bye

next, it's bralisto

but first, charly tries to interview joe

but half a sentence in, he sees an opportunity for a philosophical yet angry villainous monologue

he does it so well

promising again to break every ligament in seth's body

so seth blindsides him

you would

turns into a backstage brawl, seth hits joe with a ladder

i wonder where this could be leading

officials tear them apart way more effectively than usual, fade

but actually next, we have braun/tiny man

after a recap of the dumpster shenanigans

dumpstranigans?

probably not

this recap sponsored by just 4 men moustache and beard, so braun may be older than i thought

booker and corey trade what i think are boxing references?

kalisto breaks in with his new theme, its intro played on one of those weeeeeeeeooooooooo sticks you bought in gift shops in the 90s

braun goes for a mic, which is out of character

tells dean to shove it, refuses to have this match because he's injured

also because roman is a coward, which i don't get

bell rings anyway, braun kicks kalisto's face entirely off

starts choking him into the turnbuckle, hit roman's music

roman's wearing more shoulder tape than cesaro

referee's stood there like um guys what the shit is going on

roman has apparently just come here to stare at braun

so sweet

comes into the ring, ref is like seriously guys do not do this s2g i will TURN THIS CAR AROUND

braun punches roman's bad arm, he takes him down with three superman punches

nobody rings the dq for some reason

roman tries to spear braun through the barricade, he just lifts one leg to chest height

roman bullfights him into the post, rips his sling off, beats him into the post a bit

hits his bad arm into every surface available

the o2 crowd are not the hugest fans of roman, let's say

roman goes for a chair, does a bunch of shots with it, still somehow a babyface

braun does the sensible thing and leaves

london is less than impressed

especially when roman poses in the ring

where the fuck did kalisto even go?

apparently later we have joe/seth

such imaginative booking, new managers

but now we're in the locker room, with truth singing along to his music

goldust comes in to be like dude this is big can we maybe be serious and actually win a fucking match

goldust says they can be a better blast from the past than the hardyz

i'll be honest, i'm not sure i want old goldust back

or at least, don't go too far back

that match next, but first, a video to remind you how amazing shinsuke is

oh, also backlash is happening

and an advert for supercard, which makes it feel like champions has already shit the bed

and let's have a recap of braun/roman from literally minutes ago

look at your franchise babyface, everyone

jojo gets her title card as she explains how tag turmoil works

it's not the fucking brawl for all, i think we get it

so yeah, this is the contendership match

first up, greasy and big

corey makes a chav joke

we love you corey

enzo has sprung for a union jack loincloth

thanks crowd guy, apparently matt is a letdown

take that, matt

enzo makes a poop joke, take a shot

okay, don't play that game, because this intro would leave you with cirrhosis

so much poop

at least they're rhyming today

been a while

london loves them, because of course they fucking do

corey: "I'm officially done with this. Enzo Amore just celebrated incontinence."

oh, but here come the KKB to kill them dead

still rocking the aviators of evil

i like their jackets, in a we brought fourteen knives through customs kind of way

crowd tried something new i didn't catch, then go back to seven nation armying for enzo

oh, it's the sheamus and cesaro thing, to...do the conga?

is that what that pattern is?

anyway

pan out to the hardyz watching the match, sadly from the locker room and not in a river taxi or madame tussaud's or a wetherspoons or something

sheamus hits an irish curse on enzo, cesaro tags in to just stomp the shit out of him

the man can take damage

enzo bullfights both of them sequentially, which mostly just insults their intelligence, goes for the tag

cesaro grabs his leg, goes down to the worst dragon screw ever seen on tv, sheamus murders cass at ringside

cesaro locks in a sharpshooter, enzo taps

and next up, slater and rhyno

who have come dressed as the consituent parts of last night's croatian entry

(they haven't, but that'd be great)

sheamus and cesaro run up the ramp to kick the shit out of them before the bell can ring

they really get these proud english traditions

people finally get back in the ring

all of london do the i got kids chant, cesaro doesn't give a fuck, kicks him in the crotch, the crowd change it to no more kids

okay, as testicle jokes go, that was pretty good

heath tries for a hot tag, rhyno still isn't conscious

finally makes it to the apron, sheamus boots him off it at mach 4

and then returns to choking heath to death

heath gets out, tries for a hot tag to someone who still doesn't exist, cesaro uppercuts him into the corner, tags in sheamus, assisted brogue for the pin

next up, gallows and anderson

sheamus's hawk is the only hair in this ring

the club do their backbreaker elbow drop on cesaro, pan out again to matt hardy like hmm i appreciate that manoeuvre and jeff like yes i am also here

sheamus tags in against gallows, this match just turns into a bar fight

if you've seen the first ep of american gods, that what this is like

brief spot of everyone running in and hitting big spots on each other, all four go down, no ten-count because fuck your rules

sheamus hits white noise on gallows for a near-fall, london forget to do the thing

thank god

the timing all goes slightly dodgy, as the club set up a magic killer and then calmly wait for cesaro to get back to the ring and break it

and the brogue to anderson for the pin

and now, finally, the fucking golden truth

they explode onto the scene and open just enough asskickery on them to make you briefly consider that they might win

not sure where they're going with this

probably turning goldust heel again?

cesaro does a weird tag in from ringside, atomic drops goldust onto the barricade

ouch

truth gets a what's up thing going, apparently not giving a shit that his partner's in a submission

such teamwork

as ever, heels are the organised ones

cesaro beats the shit out of an old man in a vinyl bodysuit, pauses to casually punch his partner off the apron

goes for another sharpshooter, truth manages to break it

hot tag to truth, and he's actually looking in pretty good condition

lie detector to scissor kick, near-fall

welp, truth, that was your chance

and then cesaro gets a rollup off...what the fuck even happened there?

it just looked like truth accepted that he'd spent all his finishers and given up

sheamus and cesaro beat on them some more after the bell, cue some avenging weirdos

matt does two delete arms, call your lawyers

they run to the ring, sheamus and cesaro are just like whatever fuck this noise and leave

matt stands in the ring doing even more deletes, cesaro backs into the cameraman

if you have a thing for swiss kidney areas, boy do i have a timecode for you

and now for a recap of joe/seth

jeth?

fuck that, i'm not saying 'jeth' for the sake of three letters

so yes, we have that match next

after an advert for the mania dvd

because we need mania adverts backward through time, apparently

so yes, we have a match i don't have a portmanteau for now

here's seth, being slapped by random british people as he goes down the ramp

occupational hazard in london, really

joe glowers so hard the camera guy forgets how focus works

bell rings, punch party starts

booker sagely informs us that joe has feet as well as hands, corey counters that "every one of his appendages is a weapon"

and then goes mysteriously silent for a time

lovely sling blade from seth, but this really shouldn't surprise anyone

and a big blockbuster, but it looks like the main casualty of it was seth's left hip

and then joe returns to working seth's allegedly-bad knee

which will heal around the same time as cesaro's shoulder

joe pauses mid-beatdown to stare into seth's soul and ask if he can hear his ligaments yet

CAN YOU HEAR THEM

CAN YOU HEAR YOUR LIGAMENTS ROLLINS

seth counters out of a coquina clutch, hits two suicide dives and a top rope elbow, joe doesn't give a shit

sets up for something else, joe counters into his freakishly fast snap powerslam like fuck you peasant i am your king

london is split on who to support, cos they're both great and this match is great

joe goes for another suplex, seth hits a really complex counter into a falcon arrow

goes for a coquina clutch, seth does a beautiful spinning enzuigiri out of it, goes for a muscle buster, seth grabs the rope and pulls the turnbuckle pad off "accidentally"

and joe whips him into it oh what a shock

the ref tries to fix it, joe takes the pad and throws it to a lucky fan, whips him into the corner again for a dq

and then does it again, because fuck you i'm samoa joe

and coquina clutches seth into the calm embrace of morpheus

morpheus, in this case, being represented by a 300-pound polynesian man

cut to the announcement that miz is actually getting his title match next week, not at extreme rules

and a reminder that we've got dean/bray coming up

but first, an advert for bring it to the table

sure, whatever

but now, here comes neville

i was wondering when we'd break out the purple ropes tonight

cut to a facebook video of neville telling tj to murder jack gallagher to prove his worth

so neville's just here to spit angry geordie fire on announce

jack comes in, neville is enormously bitter about his crowd reaction

tj has changed to being billed as just 'tjp'

clearly neville has bestowed upon him the dark rite in which he traded his name for power

bell rings, tj doesn't give a shit, just sits on the turnbuckle chewing gum like a twat

does jack's v-sign, so jack dabs

jack stealing a dance move that tj invented back through time enrages him, so he comes down, only to get immediately chinned

throughout all of this, neville is just ripping every kind of shit out of cole

and it's great

tjp drop toe holds jack into the ring steps

jack is getting some ENGERLAND chants, and i feel like i can picture every person doing them

tj doesn't care for jack's corner handstand tomfoolery, gets a shoe in the face as a result

and tj gets a fistful of rainbow pants for a rollup out of nowhere

goes back in to fuck up jack's knee, austin runs out of the crowd to take it back to him

he's got one of the kneebraces that seem de rigeur this season on

so that was a really short cruiserweight segment

next up, sasha banks does a thing

after another backlash advert, actually focusing on someone other than shinsuke for once

so yes, here's sasha

against alicia, who's already in the ring

and has also come as the cyan ranger this week

cue the slapfight

alicia hits a northern lights like two moves in

way to keep your finisher special

the crowd are very worked up over something entirely external to the match, which is a shame, cos this is pretty good

and also because fuck's sake, guys, you paid for these tickets

and sasha hits her double knee drop to the face for the jankiest pin ever

that was so awkward that i wonder if she got hurt

corey calls out the weirdness of the pin, because only heels get facts

and then we get a several-angle action replay of how much of a pin that wasn't

but up next, main event time, with eternal fire of damnation vs trash fire under a bridge

and miz is on announce, which is nice

wyatt cut to bray's intro, which cole slightly ruins by not shutting the fuck up

have i mentioned on here how much i like bray's kraken shirt?

because it feels like i must've

dean enters immediately, so we don't even get to hear bray talk

boo

did...did miz just call dean a sloth?

a think he might have said slob, thinking about it

that would probably make more sense

but i prefer my image

bray proclaims his godhood, london are completely behind him on this

if the man ever wanted to stop all this wrestling bollocks and set up a demon church, we know which side of the atlantic it should be on

dean hits bray with a suicide dive, bray responds by suplexing him out of the ring from ringside

meanwhile, miz is just piling the trashtalk on cole

poor guy, having to be insulted by neville and miz within like half an hour

it's just a mercy kevin's not on this show any more, i guess

dean does his rope catch bounce thing, bray just smirks and gives him a lariat to run into

as expected from these two, this is just the trashiest fight

dean lines up an elbow drop, bray rolls out of the ring, dean says screw it and does it to ringside instead

dean's trying to amp up the crowd, but they are just behind bray for miles

miz announces that he wants a closer look at the match, waltzes down the ramp

bray goes for sister abigail off the distraction, gets countered, just uranages him through the floor instead

the crowd are doing a randy savage chant, because fuck actually watching the match, i guess

i've seen some long-ass superplex setup spots in my time, but dang

dean eventually wins it, goes for an axehandle on bray, jumps into a fist to the chest

miz starts interference, dean starts going for dirty deeds but then suicide dives miz instead

miz takes advantage of the ref's colossal blind spot to coldcock dean with his belt

bray goes for a quick pin, doesn't get it, so sister abigail for the win

miz announces bray's victory with a strange level of glee

oh my god

how good would it be if they started working together, with the angle that miz was actually falling for bray's teachings

just imagining squeaky-clean devil preacher miz is making me happy

miz beats on dean some, then does an enormously hot promo over his body

including insulting britain, so i'm kind of on his side

and fade on miz and maryse being that insufferable couple and dean lying in the ring, growling and plotting his revenge on happy, successful people

downs will be smacked later, but in the meantime, here's a screaming Ukrainian drag act to keep you amped up

----------------------

well, i hope you all enjoyed that 19-hour verka break

god knows i did

but now that the important business is out of the way, let's squeeze in some MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

as long as we all accept that i've had 2 hours of sleep, so this is probably going to be 90 minutes of mass effect jokes that don't quite go anywhere, shitty pwr bttm hot takes, and "oh look a wrestle happened"

by continuing to read, you are accepting these terms and conditions

(daniel assures me that's how it works)

that aside, on with the show!

we open on a dramatic recap of the ongoing saga of jinder mahal winning a thing

and reminding me how hard i find it to boo him for shouting at americans for not accepting diversity

and also how shitty the resolution of the HoH match was

the new day are in the titles, despite having not yet appeared on this show

okay, we're still in london

wonder if we've got a less shit london this time

oh hey, randy's here

maybe he'll enlighten us as to when exactly he learnt to FUCKING TELEPORT

shane seems to have given him his belt back

two sentences in, randy talks shit about the evil fridge

three and a half sentences in, here comes jinder to save us from randy trying to emote

flanked by his loyal day-glo shirts and the bollywood boyz they abducted

ooh, we get to see the promo shots he was doing before shane took the belt

that is certainly a set of photos of a man with a belt

apparently when jinder wins, the grateful nation of india will build a statue of him

so apparently what we've got this time is the casually racist london crowd

fuck off, guys

just before jinder can do a promo in punjabi, kevin comes in to remind them that nobody should be giving a shit about people that aren't him

gets cheered for saying india ain't shit, wins his heel heat back by reminding the crowd that england ain't shit either

so he's here to talk about how much he killed jericho and is going to kill aj at backlash

and then after that, he's coming after whoever has the top belt

restates his promo in french, gets boos because this fucking crowd, reminds me once again how fucking strange québécois vowels are

and now we have styles now

i smell a curtain-jerk tag match

london might not like people who speak different languages, but damn if they don't fucking love aj styles

tells kevin he ain't shit, and now here...comes...baron corbin?

gets about six words in before getting coldcocked by sami

brief brawl ensues, the heels get chased away, the crowd have stopped giving a shit

so that was certainly a segment

later we have dolph confronting shinsuke, and next it's becky/nattie

and confirmation that the main event is going to be a 6-man tag with all those guys

cut back to the ring, and carmella and tamina are here, with ellsworth doing hype for them

opens by calling the crowd plonkers, goes well

and then carmella takes the mic to do a hype intro for nattie

fuck me, but this is some byzantine hype power structure we've got here

how many people have to die before tamina gets the mic?

and now...naomi is here?

so looks like we're having another one of those entire division in one segment things

naomi is here to do another bad cockney voice and run hype for becky

seriously, can we all stop doing the bad cockney cheap pop?

becky and nattie square off, cue charlotte's music

presumably to be like excuse you why was i not invited

points out how she doesn't need someone else to hype her, but neglects to address the matter of why the fuck she's here in the first place

jbl takes the opportunity now that he's actually in england to start making mainstream american sport references

sort it out

london start doing the give it up chant pattern for becky, but something about those vowels makes it feel off to me

but then, thinking too much about phonology is my 3rd-7th middle names

some kind of heel distraction happened there, charlotte and naomi came at cross purposes, nattie scores a cheap pin off the distraction, end segment

wow, this show doesn't feel rushed at all

but apparently next, we have fashion files: special london unit

after another burlana video

fuck, but i hope she's not russian any more

and i kind of like her shitty jazz music, but that just says a lot about me

but now, charlotte and naomi argue backstage

naomi has personal space issues, charlotte's still kind of an unlikeable bitch

becky bursts in to be like jesus ladies sort your shit out we need to actually work together if we're going to beat these asswipes

charlotte like sure i can bond i'm THE GREATEST at bonding

remember when she got to have friends in nxt?

so they're going for a 6-woman tag at backlash

but now, fashion files

*tonk tonk*

which they've replaced wth fandango just making the noise

they've come as an english policeman and sherlock homes

they find spilled paint, a sure sign of the usos, who no longer wear paint

fandango dips a finger, tastes, "Yep. That's lead paint."

they hear screaming, bust down a door, and it's just the ascension screaming at each other

like they do

tyler is getting too old for this shirt

so yeah, that happened

and now we have mr harper and his amazing magnified wood

fighting erick rowan, after this exciting ad break

rowan's music is still fucking great, and his new mask is...yeah

thoughtfully puts it on one ring post staring at the crowd as the match starts

harper single leg dropkicks rowan in the face, because fuck you i'm luke harper i know 1437 moves

rowan takes a moment to commune with his mask

i am down for weird totemic rowan where the mask is channeling the voice of bray or something

and next up in esoteric angles that would please your author and basically nobody else...

mildly terrifying sideslam from rowan, aided by the fact that harper can clearly jump like fuck

rowan uses the mask to distract the ref, austins harper in the eye, weird spinning slam for the win

i love how after the ref took rowan's mask off him, he considerately put it back on the post

end segment, no words

on to dolphamura buildup no. 735

inb4 dolph makes a joke about ugly british people

oh, no, he just goes traight in ranting at the crowd for ignoring him for eight years and jumping on shinsuke immediately

apparently we treat dolph like a contagious disease

indeed, i do have a general policy of not letting dolph ziggler into my bloodstream

dolph goes on about how shinsuke hasn't had a match, nxt chants deafen

dolph: "Well, this'll all be edited out, so."

he's another good one for actually having the quickness and composure to react to crowd shit

talks shit on shinsuke for calling himself 'the artist', despite the fact that he never actually has

dolph does this whole impassioned speech, the whole crowd just do nakamura chants, and he just stands there oozing bitterness

calls shinsuke out, cue the drop guaranteed to make me flail like an electrocuted trout

turns out this crowd do like people who speak another language, but only if they also happen to be the smoothest motherfucker on god's green earth

shinsuke gets in the ring, just stands there charismaing at dolph and waiting for him to speak first

he does, dolph mocks, shinsuke takes his mic

tells him to shut his fuck up, says they can have a match now

they square off and remove jackets, dolph's just like nope i'm a douche we do this when i say so

and then coldcocks him anyway, because, once again, douche

it ends about as well for him as youd expect

i.e., dolph gets his dumb topknot puched off

retreats from the ring with his majestic mane flying free

and cut to the locker room, where sami is once again trying to chair a meeting of his teammates

randy and aj are both just stood there like who's this talky motherfucker

calls randy the heavy artillerary

boom shakaloo

they both leave while he's doing a visualisation exercise

okayyyy

a new day video in which they take to the medium of old-school arcade games to call everyone else in the division booty

let's be honest, i could follow those first six words with literally anything else and you'd have no reason to doubt me

but speaking of teams who just got bootied, it's fashion police/ascension now

one of these teams is on the card for backlash

just gonna leave that there

far more interesting than this match is tom's slow descent into total aphasia and inability to go a sentence without corpsing

viktor gets to punch tyler in the face some, but goes down to a leg drop from fandango

that sentence accurately conveys how complex and interesting that match was

but here are the usos to talk shit

and do their version of the how you doin list thing

during which jimmy catches tom's corpsing sickness and jey makes some mildly homophobic jokes

so yeah, that segment happened

is it me, or is this like the least inspiring episode of smackdown since the split?

on which note, talking smack has dolph, mojo, and the usos

one of these men has not even been on screen this week

but now we have a 205 advert, in which kendrick elucidates us as to how much shit akira tozawa ain't while making far too many twitchy hand gestures

not gonna be able to unsee that now

but now, mojo is taking some adorable children on a tour backstage, and teaching them a valuable lesson about tolerance through the medium of stories about andre the giant

...okay, sure, whatever

that was literally the entirety of the segment

but now, a twitter video of rusev ranting at shane for not responding to his weird out-of-nowhere ultimatum

apparently he will actually deign to come to his workplace next week for once

but now we have the big tag match now

as far as this crowd are concerned this match is just aj styles+5

randy nearly rko's kevin, jbl gleefully informs us that "It only takes one!", having apparently never watched a solid 50% of randy orton matches where it does not

kevin tags in, baron immediately holds his hand out to tag

holds it there a really awkward length of time while kevin has no interest in him whatsoever

we've arrived at the 'sami zayn gets his face punched concave' section of this match

also the 'singh brother dayglo sleeve temporarily covers half the camera' section, apparently

sami tries to do a springboard splash before having absorbed enough punishment, baron just punches him the fuck out of the air

can't tell if baron's pointedly keeping his hands off sami in their corner or stealing randy's pose

sami somehow manages to rip baron's shirt off while getting the shit beaten out of him

that just smacks of poor manufacturing standards

hot tag to aj, who punches everyone in the face

sets up a styles clash on baron, loses it but transitions into a calf crusher

kevin breaks it, general brawl happens punctuated mainly by sami topeing everyone

aj tries to do a phenomenal forearm on baron, having neglected the customary checks to see if KEVIN OWENS IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU OH GOD

kevin shouts about it being his title while applying a master headlock so hard it looks like he's trying to compress aj's head into the world's first georgian farm-fed organic diamond

randy tags in, kicks everyone until he gets distracted by the singhs

and then everyone does their finishers on everyone, culminating in jinder cobra slamming randy for the pin

there's no way in hell he'll win at backlash, but it'd be cool if he did

him and his cohorts stand halfway up the ramp, all shouting in punjabi, randy lies in the ring with this bewildered look of what is losing i don't lose things i'm randy orton

and scene

so that was a pair of really shitty london matches

good job, guys

and we still haven't addressed how RANDY SHITTING TELEPORTED FROM UNDER AN EVIL FRIDGE TO SOMEWHERE WITH CONVENIENT FOLDING CHAIRS AND THENCE TO THE RING

sigh

hey, maybe it's not that hard

lemme try

*pop*

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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