#just do what i do for myself and not anyone else. But it does feel nice if anyone were to just pass me by and say

[bolognamayhem117]

Hot Take: Astarion does NOT hate flowers. You just missed a few subtle hints through Act 1 and early Act 3.

Astarion's negativity is directed toward just about anything remotely pleasant as you move through early act three, starting the moment you leave Wyrm's Rock. First thing after Gortash's coronation he marvels near tears at the colors of the city in daylight. If you ask if he's alright, it pisses him off.

There's other instances I can't quite remember but he's a straight crank throughout early Act 3 and it took me several hours of gameplay to have a lightbulb moment about his newly crappier attitude.

He just spent the last two hundred years seeing everything in the overwhelmingly warm dim tones of indoor lighting via sconces, rushlights, and braziers, or the dingy blue gray of moonlight outside. Daylight colors are something he had more than a lifetime to forget and now that he has a chance to remember that vibrancy in his own home town, he knows he's going to have to forget it all over again either by death or by remaining a vampire spawn forever. The worm isn't going to live rent free in his head forever, and killing Cazador to ascend in his place likely feels like an insurmountable and impossible fight against a literal titan who could stomp him flat without a corm of effort.

He doesn't hate flowers, he hates EVERYTHING right now because it's all going away very soon and if he convinces himself he hates everything then he won't miss it when it's all gone again. He was denied this for two hundred years and he's PISSED at what was stolen from him and PISSED it's all going away again.

He behaved similarly in Act 1 about anyone besides him enjoying physical intimacy. Some of this content was cut, to my best knowledge, but the overwhelming majority of his dialog addressing the PC romancing anyone but him are negative or backhanded. This is for two reasons, I think. A: his Simple Plan just dissolved right before his eyes when you chose someone else which in his mind means he has zero safety net, and EVERYONE gets to enjoy sex (key wording being ENJOY, not simply having) except him... And it pisses him off.

He also gleefully interrupts the bug bear and the ogress, I think for the same reason as the above paragraph, being: If he doesn't get to enjoy intimacy neither do they.

He reacts with anger and disgust at anything he's being unfairly denied. Which... That's fair. His feelings are valid, but his reaction to it is pretty shitty and meanspirited.

The other companions I tend to keep in my party, (that is Lae'zel, Halsin, Karlach, and Wyll) however, are actually appearing to behave pretty patiently with him in Act 3 which I find interesting.

In the instance with the flowers Karlach doesn't bother trying to convince him otherwise of his opinion, she just tells him how they make her feel instead and rather than getting snippy or doubling down he more or less agrees to disagree. I also don't recall anyone disagreeing with Astarion during Gale's last quest tasks when he mentioned that he quit praying to gods who wouldn't hear him a long time ago but to be fair, I think the gods did everybody in this crew dirty and they all know it. It seems like they're consciously giving him the space to be mad about things, is what I'm saying.

Everyone I know including myself who crawled out of a long-term hot garbage situation kinda went wild for a bit with freedom, spoke poorly, behaved strangely, had extreme emotional reactions to things, and made some particularly terrible choices. I think that's just a part of recalibrating yourself, healing and learning how to be okay again.

Point is, I wouldn't conflate too many of the turbo-negative things he says with how he actually feels about anything. We certainly know what he says and what he feels are two very different things.

#astarion #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion ancunin #trauma #the pale elf #cazador szarr

[xiki-pupper]

I can understand how Shuro may be a frustrating character to some folks - in fact that is kinda what he is there for, narratively speaking. But it really gives me ick when people just wanna shit on him for "being awful/the worst/an asshole"

The way I see it, the dude is his own different flavor of Autism- repressed, conditioned, awkward, and forced to participate in high society, not to mention the culture clash - and he sees laios just being his own weirdo self and he hates it --- no, thats not it. I honestly don't think he hates laios; i truly believe he hates that Laios gets to be TRUE to himself, and he (shuro) Doesn't get to be.

And it's a feeling I can understand and sympathize and empathize with, as I have been on my own personal journey to try and un-mask and deconstruct and heal myself in a world that has made me feel broken my entire life

People scream "hypocrisy" as shuro sees the same traits between the touden siblings, and is attracted to one whilst hating the other - and yes, I can agree that it's a bit hypocritical, but yall are taking it at face value and not understanding where his feelings are coming from. Shuro doesn't hate laios because he has a special interest, shuro hates that his whole life, he has had to squash himself into a form-fitting box, behave as his family commands, and now he sees laios being free of expectation, just out here being a weirdo, and shuro is possibly feeling that frustrated grief that comes with the late diagnosed autistic situation of "I could have been happy, too, but no, *I* had to be the responsible one"

... at least, that's how I view it. Coz I myself have had those thoughts. And I know, it's NOT a good look for me to be out here admitting that I have felt this way, like for example, maybe I see someone else's struggle with anxiety, whether it's online or in real life, and I have this bitter thought to myself of "yeah, I have anxiety too, but *I* was still forced to be a responsible adult anyway" which makes me momentarily frustrated.

And before anyone jumps my ass about it, NO, I definitely DO NOT think that "if I had to suffer thru it, so should everyone else" that's NOT what I'm saying. But I AM saying that, there is a bitterness, when u see someone who is able to avoid a struggle that you had to endure - that bitterness is NOT thinking that everyone should suffer as I did, but me being bitter that *I had to* at all.

Does that make sense? Coz I really feel like Shuro just gets shit on because people think he's there to interrupt the Yuri and be mean to Laois, and I really feel that he's a whole ass person. And a somewhat melancholic one, at that. He makes me think of how I had to grow up Christian whilst being queer and undiagnosed Audhd my entire life, and I would be very very surprised to hear that a large chunk of dunmeshi fans didn't ALSO grow up this way, feeling broken and stupid and tired, forced to do things the "normal people" way, and then NOT understand how Shuro feels when he sees someone who is in a position to be mostly free of that...

#dummeshi #delicious in dungeon #dungeon meshi #toshiro nakamoto #danmeshi

[hippolotamus]

Fic title: baby, you've got to be crazy 🫶

Hiiiiii, Husband 💞 some more lovey idiots for you. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about how they wound up here 😘

“I-” Buck scoffs, throwing his hands up, then brings one to rub at his chin while the other rests on his hip. He forces himself to look at Eddie who is worrying with a loose thread on his shirt sleeve. “Eds, you can’t- you don’t mean that.”

Buck's accusation is born out of self-preservation more than anything. Because, of all the things - spoken and unspoken - that have passed between them through the years, he has never wanted his best friend to mean anything more than the words he just uttered.

Eddie folds his arms across his chest, widening his stance. Nothing drastic, just the smallest amount. Enough to convey he’s serious and not backing down.

"Why not, Buck? Huh? Why can't I mean that?"

Buck starts to protest, to release a litany of reasons, but no sound comes out. His jaw snaps shut when Eddie seemingly drops his defenses, closing the gap between them in two large strides.

Eddie rests one hand on each of Buck's shoulders, letting his thumb settle in the divot of Buck's collarbone. One of the many pieces of Buck that was never good enough for anyone else, but seems to have been custom made for Eddie Diaz.

Eddie's fingertips skim over Buck's hoodie - the burnt orange one Eddie always says looks good on him - down his biceps, around his elbows, over his forearms until their hands are joining. Brown eyes, the color of soil and earth, meet Buck's. They're searching and pleading, looking for an answer Buck desperately wants to give.

"Buck." Eddie's gaze flicks to his mouth for just a second, making him feel like he's burning. And he would, he wants to, but not yet. Not until he's sure what Eddie's asking of him. "Evan."

Eddie rests their foreheads together, bringing them even closer. "Haven't we done this long enough? Haven't we sacrificed and said 'no, not yet' too many times? I don't-" He forcefully exhales between them, a frustrated sigh that tapers off to quiet, wounded thing. "I've missed so many chances. Told myself that it wasn't our time yet and I could wait a little longer. Until the next one. But, I can't. I can't do it anymore. Can't lose you."

Tears gather at the corner of Buck's eyes and he has to swallow back the tremor that wants to accompany every word.

"Okay," he manages. "Say it again."

Eddie’s tongue darts out, swiping across his lips that instantly curve into a small smile. The one Buck pretends is just for him. “Marry me. Be my husband. Plea-”

Buck cuts him off. “Yes, I’ll be your husband,” he whispers, then huffs out a small laugh. "Maybe kiss me first?"

And Eddie does. He brings their lips together, slow and cautious but so, so certain. Like he's never been more sure of anything, like kissing Buck is the easiest decision of his life.

It strikes Buck that this is the last first kiss he'll ever have. That they'll ever have. How it's a precious gift they've been permitted to share with each other.

With every passing year, he became more and more convinced they were two parallel lines, meant to travel together but never touch. Yet here they are, crossing and twisting and intertwining. Beginning to weave the next chapter of their story.

Eddie threads his fingers through the short hair at the nape of Buck's neck, sighing into their kiss, and Buck knows he has never meant anything more.

send me a made up fic title

#hippo writes #james tag 💍 #fic title ask #buddie #friends to fiancés??? more likely than you think

[defira85]

This is incredibly petty and pointless bitching about family stuff but I'm stressed and exhausted and it's making me miserable so I need to vent

So anyone who's followed me for more than 5 minutes knows I like to bake, yeah? Has seen my posts of my elaborate christmas cookie boxes or the multi-tier cakes I bake or the extravagance of my choc cherry brownie loaf and so on? Feeding people is important to me! I won't say it's my love language cause whatshisface was a weirdo christian fundamentalist so we don't believe in love languages but you know. I like to nourish! I want to cook people a big meal and have them feel loved and indulged!

My SIL is having her 40th birthday in May, and she wants everyone to come on a 4 day getaway which is just. I don't understand why certain parts of this family don't understand that people need to work (I do understand, the reason is money, this family has money and so they don't understand that normal people have Mon-Fri jobs that they can't just drop for a 4 day beach getaway for a birthday) but anyway, that's another rant

She's been asking people about the food, and people have been volunteering for certain meals and I've got my assigned meal planned out to the letter (a giant paella with fresh baked olive bread and patatas bravas with a mediterranean salad) and I asked her last night about desserts with the implication that I was asking her what cake she wanted for her birthday, because so far she's just put "icecream/fruit salad" on every meal

She answers "oh I've just got a brownie box mix we were going to make. Also a carrot cake box mix, we don't really need anything else"

Now I've tried to calm myself down by reminding myself that SIL really absolutely does not care about food. Not in the slightest. She doesn't understand about things tasting good, she just eats whats in front of her

But. But. I cook. I bake. I express love with my food. She KNOWS that. And I went to a lot of effort in November to make an EXQUISITE carrot cake for my MIL's birthday when we celebrated her life and the one year since her death, I worked so hard to make sure it was perfect, and she's just like

yeah here's a packet mix. Tastes the same.

Like, does she even care about any of the meals I make? Does she notice? Does what it expresses as a gesture of love mean anything?

I KNOW I'M OVERREACTING. I KNOW I AM. BUT I'M REALLY EXHAUSTED AND MISERABLE and it just hit me a lot harder than I was expecting it to. Just a slap in the face, you know? All the hard work I do, all the love I pour into it, it's just the same as a box she bought at the store and adds an egg to

/throws away the recipe for the salted caramel and macadamia monkey bread I was planning

#Defira rants

[idolomantises]

there's something so comforting about artists you admire talking about their own struggles and insecurities

#txt #was watching supereyepatchwolf's video on chainsaw man again and listening to fujimoto express regret about things he didnt learn #and how he's clearly envious of his peers is so... comforting? #i think about my own strengths and flaws and often times i get so frustrated with my shortcomings #im not good at drawing feet; my backgrounds are purposefully simplistic and lack a lot of detail; sometimes my designs have a tendency to #overlap or feel very 'safe' in terms of what i really want to do #its why; despite my love for clowning on media and animated works. i never want to feel like its from a place of malice #the joy of art is always seeing those little mistakes and nuances. its also noticing the achievements other creators have made that you #still lack #even for a certain hell-based show i love to poke fun at for its many. many issues. its undeniable how incredibly passionate the work is. #and i do respect anyone who is willing to get their flawed media out there (myself included) #i see stuff about people calling me their inspo or how flattered they are when i compliment their work and its like. gee. i hold myself at #such a high bar and even still im always surprise when people tell me how much my work moved and changed them #i really love writing just little fun things that i just dont really see anyone else touching and its kind of fun how despite my own #personal grievances with my own flaws and mistakes #people really do find things that they love within them. #anyways I know this is getting long but I’ve just been getting sentimental abt the creation of art #sometimes people make fun of me for love of drawing women and lesbians and bugs and so on #and while I will never let me deter me from my process. sometimes it does get to me #but then I remember that I love doing this and could ever see myself holding back #and knowing despite how other people feel. I have so many followers who resonate with my weird ass shit #that it’s all worth it. ya know?

[finnpeach]

Hunt

(T/HRONE OF GLAS$ SPOILERS AHEAD! IF YOU HAVEN'T READ PAST Q/UEEN OF SHADOW$ BE WARNED!)

My love for R/owan is boundless, and the series would be infinitely better if he was sick.

This is a multi-part fic of A/elin and R/owan training on a mountain and YEAH! HE HAS A COLD!

not much sneezing yet but it will come I promise

likes comments reblogs always loved and giggled over <3

****

Aelin stalks through the underbrush with lethal silence. Leaves covered with dew from the early morning mist streak across her face, dotting her cheeks. Her prey, a mountain hare the size of her head, nibbles on the sparse grass a few yards away.

She knocks her arrow, slipping in a breath. She can’t wait to see the look on Rowan’s face when she brings back a hare this size. Slowly, she pulls the bowstring back, kissing against her face. The hare turns, startled, breaths coming fast. Now or never–

“hh’rZzSHHh’uh!” 

Aelin gasps at the sound that echoes around the mountain. It cracks like a whip, scaring even the crows nesting in trees. The hare takes off and she desperately releases the arrow after her prey. The point finds its home in the thick trunk of a tree rather than the soft neck of the hare.

There goes breakfast. Her stomach growls pitifully. Seething, she rises from the brush and goes to retrieve her arrow. 

Five minutes later, Aelin stalks back to the makeshift camp she and Rowan had assembled the night before. The Fae prince had forced her to run from the castle to these distant mountains, shifting in and out of her Fae form to master control, where he then informed her they would be camping for a week out in the elements. And she was to hunt their every meal in between training.

It was a pathetic time, especially with the rain that has settled across the mountain. Damp and cold to her bones, Aelin approaches their campsite. Rowan, appearing much drier than she, sits by the fire she had sparked earlier that morning. He looks oddly run down, like he hadn’t slept much the night before.

Aelin is sure he hadn’t. The mountains were too misty to sleep outside without waking up damp, so they had packed just one tent to keep their baggage light. Lying beside Rowan, last night she had been the private audience to his tossing and turning, grumbling, and finally his snoring. 

“You fucking bastard. You scared off breakfast,” she hisses as she approaches, throwing her bow and bundle of arrows down by the tent. Rowan does not look up from the dagger he cleans in his hands.

“And how – snf! – pray tell, did I scare breakfast from here?” He grumbles. Aelin catches the way he sniffles thickly, his nostrils twitching up with the force of it.

She drops her satchel, full of only a bundle of pathetic berries.  “You sneezed.” She tries not to give in the warmth that pools in her lower stomach at the memory of the sound. It’s the first time she had ever heard him sneeze, and she was not disappointed. “For someone so keen on silence, I expected you’d know how to sneeze more quietly.”

Rowan doesn’t even grace her taunting with a reply, or a snarl. He just continues rubbing a cloth down the length of his dagger. Strange. He must be feeling really tired if he didn’t bother to punish her for such a remark. 

She sits down across from the fire, on a log they’d rolled over so they didn’t sit on wet grass. Feigning interest in destemming the berries she’d picked, she studies him through the crackling flames. 

His white hair is loose around his shoulders, creating a curtain that shields the dark tattoo running along his tan face. The tips of his Fae ears poke out just behind the white strands. After weeks of training with him, sleeping out in the elements beside him, she’s learned that he prefers to tie his hair up. It’s so rare to see him with it down.

“More hand to hand combat training today, or magic training?” She asks, breaking the silence that is only marred by the crackling flames.

Rowan sets the dagger aside. “Your job was to hunt. And since you still haven’t caught anything, your job is still to hunt.” He settles his sharp green eyes on her, brows set. If he didn’t piss her off so much, she might actually tremble under his gaze.

She raises her palms in defeat. “Fine, fine. But if you sneeze and scare off my prey again, I won’t be sharing the catch with you.” Even if she’d very much like for him to sneeze again, she’d rather eat first.

In one swoop, she picks up her bow and arrows and satchel again before setting off. With her Fae senses, she could scent a herd of deer in the southwest. Now that would show Rowan. Perhaps she’d bring back a buck, and spear him with its antlers.

As soon as she leaves the camp, nearly out of earshot, she hears the same thunderstrike from before. Perhaps Rowan had been waiting for her to leave.

“hhzjHSHHhieWw!”

A shiver runs down her spine as more startled crows caw in the trees.

****

Two hours later, Aelin returns with a small doe slung across her shoulders.

It’s mid afternoon. She had been lucky a herd was still grazing so late in the morning down by the clearing. She’d been even luckier that Rowan had either gotten his sneezing under control, or learned how to be quiet, because nothing had startled her catch this time.

“Lunch,” she declares to Rowan, dropping the deer to the grass. He hasn’t moved from his spot by the fire. “Is served.”

“It was supposed to be– snf! Breakfast,” he mutters, reaching the dagger at his side from earlier. His voice sounds dulled, like he’s congested.

Aelin rolls her eyes. “Well, it’s not like you helped. And I got us a catch to last us days.” She pats the stomach of the doe proudly. It isn’t very old – there’s still a sprinkling of fawn spots across her back. Aelin feels a twang of guilt for not singling out an older one.

Rowan pinches the bridge of his nose, breathing through his mouth. Aelin hardly has time to prepare before he jerks down towards his crotch, a light mist spraying across his trousers.

“hiHh–... yHhZzSHhhyuu!” A familiar, rushing heat spreads through Aelin’s gut. She swallows, watching as he rubs his nose on his wrist and glares up at her. Is he going to get mad at her for his sneezing?

Rowan chooses not to comment on it, something Aelin is secretly grateful for. “You were– snf! instructed to catch something small. We’re moving camp this afternoon.” He angles the pommel of the dagger towards her.

“What?!”

“Rain is coming tonight and will flood this area. I told you this morning. And now you’ve wasted a young doe’s life.”

A flame of rage flickers to life inside her chest. This is all his fault. “Well, I wouldn’t have wasted jack-shit if you hadn’t ruined my catch earl–”

“Aelin,” he growls, a no-nonsense sound. The tips of his canines poke past his lips. Aelin shuts up immediately. 

He stands, crossing the camp in two strides, and shoves the pommel of the knife against her stomach. She glares beneath his gaze. “You missed the catch because you did not act fast enough. Now you can either carry the doe across the mountain, or… hhH—!” His breath snags, eyes looking off into the distance for a split second. Aelin’s heart hammers in her chest.

He quickly recovers and sniffs again, much to her disappointment, and focuses his gaze on her. “Or you can leave it and realise you wasted a young animal’s life for your pride.” 

Before she can retort, he turns on his heel and she offers a middle finger to his large, muscular back. 

As if sensing her, he says over his shoulder, “And– sNf!– pack up the tent.”

#hey I didn't proof read this im just posting blind #I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM #I can't wait to make him snz more #anyway lets hope no vanillas find this bc I will shoot myself in the fucking face <3 #if you're a vanilla KEEP SCROLLING NOTHHING TO SEE HERE!!! OKAY!!!!M #you know im serious ab keeping it in this community when I put goddamn slashes in the names lmfao #normally I don't care #but I do not want anyone finding this and making me feel weirtd #weird* #anyway #ENJOY! this will probably be a 2 parter #2.5 if you include the fight scene #but mmm yeah lemme know what y'all think if there's anything you wanna see #THE MATCHA FIC IS COMING I PROMISE! I WONT LET THOSE BOYS DIE! #hey guys did you notice how I actually write out the curse words and don't write vulgar gesture every 2 paragraphs nor do I write the word #marked #WHY DOES SHE DO THAT #she ought to take notes #oh and a/elin has the fet. obviously. what else would she have

[musical-chick-13]

Regarding the previous post, I think the way I approach trying to evaluate a piece of art is asking "Do I think the positive things I get out of it outweigh the parts of it that I don't like?" And when I call something a "guilty pleasure" song/show/book/piece of media/etc. it's really more in the sense of, "Given who I am as a person, the flaws I've found in this should be complete dealbreakers for me, but somehow they aren't, and it makes me feel like I'm having an identity crisis."

#like. I think something like...idk shiki or cxgf excels on multiple levels. I understand why I like them. given the things I look for in art #it makes sense that these shows would speak to me because they make the effort to showcase those things I look for. because the people #in charge of those works clearly valued the same kinds of things and cared about seriously exploring them. #but with something like. uh. ctrlz. that is NOT the case and I frequently found myself going 'why would anyone make this writing #decision?' but I still sat through all 3 seasons of it! I still really enjoyed it! those flaws SHOULD have made me give up according to #personal history but they never did. and I very very much genuinely question why. I have NO IDEA why I still care about this #silly convoluted teen drama show so much. but I do. I wrote SO MANY FUCKING POSTS ABOUT IT. #I really love wicked the musical. I've heard many people call it 'hokey' or 'cheesy' or 'objectively bad' but here's the thing! I DON'T #think it's bad!!! like literally at all!!!!!! and it does do some genuinely cool things in regard to the music and the way the characters #develop and what the show says about the nature of prejudice and human connection. is it like. idk Serious™ the way that something like #Parade is? no. but it doesn't have to be. it does what it sets out to do and it does it well and this is why the whole '''objective #evaluation''' thing doesn't actually mean anything. I value thoughtfully-constructed music and dynamic female characters #(which this musical has). I value stories that deal with the complex and messy feelings that come with being a human (which this musical #has). I value stories about 'other'ness and romantic subplots that aren't just built on 'This Girl Is Pretty' (which this musical has). #and I value professional displays of technical vocal ability because I know how fucking DIFFICULT that is (which this musical...if you cast #it well...has). #if you value something else in a musical then yeah you will probably think THIS one is '''objectively bad''' #if you don't see the point of musicals as an art form you will probably think wicked is '''objectively bad''' #do you see where the problem with categorizing analysis like this is??

[ankhisms]

can i be emotionally vulnerable with you all in the torture dungeon

#anyway. keep feeling weird in a specific way but not really wanting to talk about it with anyone but also not talking about it makes it #feel like its crawling under my skin. and its not necessarily a bad feeling i just have a fucked up traumatized brain that makes #feeling things weird in general. i feel things so strongly or else im numb and outside my body and often struggle #with being super aware of myself because of this. where its also like im in survival mode constantly know and it can be easy #for me to go numb and not feel things or else be just going into panic panic panic hell freakout but beyond that it can be very hard #for me to identify feelings and such and having sat with this feeling its like. ok i think ive identified this but it feels #weird for me and i dont know what to do with this. should i do anything with this. probably not. and that carries its own #various baggage and relation to other issues im realizing i said i was going to be vulnerable but now i am just being very #vague about everything im saying. as you can tell i have problems and am noy good at being vulnerable #tldr feelings are weird. ive been feeling weird lately in specific ways that i dont know how to deal with but its not really bad but does #relate to certain issues i have with myself but idk really what to do besides just feeling it and letting it pass #but sometimrs iy has made me want to bang my head against a wall

[vulpinesaint]

mkay not to be like. a little insane or anything. but god i've been going crazy over religion (catholicism) and blood lately. did anyone else drink blood as worship every week since they were seven. was anyone else inundated with images of open wounds as holy. is anyone else consumed by the thought of holding onto a crucifix tightly enough for the edges of it to draw blood. i turned in a poem about drowning in communion wine in an empty church while bleeding from crucifix-inflicted hand wounds and trying to talk to god and my creative writing professor gave me extremely normal critiques i feel like i'm losing my mind

#is ANYONE ELSE here. #also i made my poetry insta and i was gonna backpost but i think i might just sit and stare at it until april sfkghsd #it's me and my few hundred tumblr followers on my poetry acc. and the five thousand pornbots on this one ig #life is so. like. #i CONSTANTLY think that being raised catholic didn't do that much to me but obviously it did SOMETHING #you know what. yeah. cause i didn't end up with guilt over being queer but i did end up having my whole world view torn away from me #cause when god is the fundamental building block to everything... #my parents were extremely reasonable about things all things considered #but losing trust and faith in god is like having the bottom block pulled out of your little tower #and since i was fifteen i feel like i've been trying to either get it out fully without letting it all crumble #or trying to push it back without causing more damage #and the tower's never gonna be the same no matter what. you know. #i suck at self reflection so i never actually think about this stuff but dear god does it consume me #like no i did not end up with catholic guilt really. however being asked to examine yourself as a sinner at 7 will do things to you #HATE myself why am i still awake. so fucking upset i need to be up so early tomorrow skdjfgh #screaming and crying. anyway anyone else up thinking about catholicism and blood??? #valentine notes #catholic tag

[kyouka-supremacy]

---

#Woha... Alright read the chapter 🫡 #It's just. I get where Fukuchi is coming from and I feel like after rereading it the whole thing was a little more clear but... #Did it *really* have to be so complicated. Like dude did it **really** have to be so complicated. #Maybe it had to idk. After all I'm always the first to say that a complex reality can't be reduced to simple axioms– #and that semplifications never bring anything good. #But at the same time was there REALLY no other way #Couldn't you promote your ideas diplomatically instead. Couldn't you become a democratic activist or politician. #Couldn't you write a book‚ person named OUCHI FUKUCHI #Also couldn't you? Talk about it with someone before executing your crazy plan so that anyone else might have pointed to you how crazy it i #But I suppose the whole central theme of this arc ultimately was “people who try to do everything by their own are destined to fall” #And to an extent it does still feel kinda self-contradictory of a plan. Like ahah my plan included not to make anyone suffer!!! #[turns half world population into a vampire] #Like c'mon? Violations of human rights can happen even without killing people dude #(Also Akutagawa) #(Like I get it he's only one (1) person. But he's also the only (only) person for me so I can't bring myself to ignore him y'know) #Mmmmmhhhhhh that's of the main things ig. I YELLED when they brought up Max Weber and the what-is-a-state question #That's like. One of the main questions my whole life studies centers on. #The adrenaline that gave me to see it mentioned in my current hyperfixation ahfjvafjhcvlawsvfblwhkv #This chapter was just so so political theories packed I felt like I was just still studying lol. #I feel like this was a true “get why bsd is labelled as seinen”. #You just can't do this kind of in-depth political theory discussion in shonen manga ig #What else. Still patiently waiting for ss/kk 😔 #random rambles

[nightfallsystem]

u guys ever think about killing urself for everyone elses sake.

just so people wont have to go thru the annoyance of talking to me or the disgust of seeing my face so they can be happier by talking to their other friends instead of me so they dont have to deal with my actual fucking stupidity

#tw vent #tw suicide #ingnore this. btw. or dont i cant stop you lol #imsso close to cutitng off everyone i know so they can be happier i alreadyblocked a few people i knewnow ionly know one person irl #imf so glad she found other people so she'll be completely fine if i disappear out of her life her life sounds like its going great actuall #ruining my life ^_^ #i dont want to talk to people but for their sake #IM GENUINELY SO FUCKING STUPID AND UPSETTING TO TALK TO . #does anyone even love me anymore #im probably doign this for my own selfish reasons #i dont go outside anymore for everyone else sake. so they dont have to see my ugly face. or deal with my awful speech #at least i can still draw.... only way i can mkae people happy.. #im mean to myself more than anyone else is mean to me at htis point. why #im not even capable of becoming mentally well at hthis point. im a lost cause #tell me what you rlly think . just tell me to shut the fuck up. just call me annoying. whatever u say cant be worse than what i do to mysel #pleasee im just dragging u down and making u feel worse whenever u tlak to me DO YOU NOT REALISE IT #i dont want to feel better for myself i want to feel better so i can be useful to others #i fucking hate people but i love them a lot . i gues i just hate how i affect others. social outcast i guess

[shinakazami1]

Today I'll finish a comm and I'm thinking,,, I might return to the tsp Bucket thing again. I have to finally finish my drafts I've been withholding for months but I want to do too much at the same time 😭 same with the asks, I am thankful to folks who did send them, I am just so slow JHSHSHSHS

#Scramble already tbh said they have the same theory so I dunno if anyone would be interested but I SHAKE myself #So much of the fandom that engaged with my theories doesn't want to interact so that does make me feel my words are worthless :( #But there are also some who are into them still #I will try to make the art for me. That's what I'm trying to do anyways #It still just sucks #I'm angry at how this whole thing was handled and I do want to talk about it publically but like #What would that solve really #The damage is done #Words of apology will never be received #:( sorry for ranting in the tags #I just eh #I dunno #I can't really get into anything else and uni will soon get busy #And i really want to still enjoy the game - to enjoy this #I'm thankful though for those who stayed #For those who care

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[birdmenmanga]

hmm gonna be real misery is winning today

#just thinking thoughts... #guy who knows his limits: I'm only going to sign up to volunteer one day #and then i ended up showing up both days. and guess what. i couldn't make it through the second day #it's always like thissss i KNOW my limit for binding is basically one full day and that starts to get tough after that #and plus it was all outside. doing heavy labor at times #I'm not suited for thissss #doesn't help that I get pissed off whenever people are like well i think girls need to carry less. or whatever #losing the gendering fight SO bad i feel the need to overexert myself to not lose as badly #anyways. going to the killing myself store does anyone else want anything

[puppyeared]

weird that the shape of love is two beating hearts glued together and not two hands holding each other

#well technically it comes from the shape of two hearts sewn together but i dont know how that translates to romance.. literally its kinda #disturbing but symbolically i guess it is kind of sweet #my friend and i were talking and she said something about someone saying a lover cant just be a friend you can kiss but i think i disagree #i kind of think the point of a lover IS a friend you can kiss because like it must get exhausting having to convince yourself you can only #feel romantic things towards your lover right? i mean i dont know if my feelings are shaped like anyone else's so maybe its more of a case #by case basis. for me id like someone whose hand i can hold and i can make pancakes for them and maybe kiss but like not strictly romantic #and not strictly platonic. and my feelings are all over the place because one day ill be really into someone i like and another day ill be #really chill about it. so its hard to say what i feel for someone if its always changing #maybe thats why i think lovers should be friends you can kiss because its coming from my way of feeling? hmmm #like i want to be able to say i love you and mean it romantically one day and then say love you in a platonic way the next day and itd be #ok?? does that make sense??? like i know its the same phrase but its like the feeling i put with it is different each time. idk #its why i find dating someone hard because its constantly going up and down and its never balanced. itd probably really confusing unless i #were to date someone whose feelings works the same way. just some food for thought i guess but then again every relationship needs work #im not sure if that fits into the category of work though.. i cant tell myself what im going to feel #it just happens and theres not much i can really do about it except tell that person what im feeling. hnnnnnhhgh #maybe its better if i just stick to watching fictional couples work it out lmao #yapping #txt