#HATE myself why am i still awake. so fucking upset i need to be up so early tomorrow skdjfgh

[vulpinesaint]

mkay not to be like. a little insane or anything. but god i've been going crazy over religion (catholicism) and blood lately. did anyone else drink blood as worship every week since they were seven. was anyone else inundated with images of open wounds as holy. is anyone else consumed by the thought of holding onto a crucifix tightly enough for the edges of it to draw blood. i turned in a poem about drowning in communion wine in an empty church while bleeding from crucifix-inflicted hand wounds and trying to talk to god and my creative writing professor gave me extremely normal critiques i feel like i'm losing my mind

#is ANYONE ELSE here. #also i made my poetry insta and i was gonna backpost but i think i might just sit and stare at it until april sfkghsd #it's me and my few hundred tumblr followers on my poetry acc. and the five thousand pornbots on this one ig #life is so. like. #i CONSTANTLY think that being raised catholic didn't do that much to me but obviously it did SOMETHING #you know what. yeah. cause i didn't end up with guilt over being queer but i did end up having my whole world view torn away from me #cause when god is the fundamental building block to everything... #my parents were extremely reasonable about things all things considered #but losing trust and faith in god is like having the bottom block pulled out of your little tower #and since i was fifteen i feel like i've been trying to either get it out fully without letting it all crumble #or trying to push it back without causing more damage #and the tower's never gonna be the same no matter what. you know. #i suck at self reflection so i never actually think about this stuff but dear god does it consume me #like no i did not end up with catholic guilt really. however being asked to examine yourself as a sinner at 7 will do things to you #HATE myself why am i still awake. so fucking upset i need to be up so early tomorrow skdjfgh #screaming and crying. anyway anyone else up thinking about catholicism and blood??? #valentine notes #catholic tag

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

(tw alcohol problems)

The phrase "keep it session" has been in consistent use since the very early episodes of this radio show, I've just heard and episode in which John Robins stops to explain what it means, which I thought I'd cut out and save because I find it interesting. And by "interesting", I mean literally yesterday I was explaining to my friend how maybe I could be just fine drinking if I started doing this more, just get lower percentage beer and still drink the same amount, and it was starting to make sense, but it does seem like a less good idea when I hear it explained by a guy who has since admitted he had a drinking problem despite employing this technique. And possibly connected to it - it is a good trick to have something that seems like responsible drinking, but actually it's just that you're so attached to drinking you need to be able to do it for longer so you'll find any way to make it so you don't have to stop as early (I don't mean as early in life or anything, I mean literally if I start drinking I like to stay up until 4 AM or so because I know that when I go to bed I'll have to be sober for the next while, but as long as I stay awake I get to enjoy not being sober, and I think that is the basic concept behind the Keep It Sessions idea, not actually responsible drinking).

I'm rather upset at myself, a couple of nights ago I got properly drunk for the first time in 2024, and I didn't mean to. My best friend/roommate and I got invited by our mutual friend and his wife over for a dinner party in the suburbs where it was so awkward, they had this nice house and none of us like his wife (we're not just being terrible people or anything, I'd like to defend our position by saying she's made casually racist comments and is rude to wait staff, among other issues), and it was a reminder that we never get to see our friend anymore without his wife present which means we never get to have a proper conversation with him or relax around him, even though before he got married he was one of my closest friends in the world and we used to meet up several times a week and sit in a pub all night and could talk about anything, and it wasn't even about getting drunk, we'd often only have a couple of pints and not even get drunk (I mean I'd usually get drunk by myself after I went home but that's beside the point, the point is that it's not like I'm reminiscing about the old days because I think we have to be drunk to have fun with this friend and we can't have fun now that we don't drink together, it's not that, it's that we used to be able to hang out casually and now it's a dinner party at a house with his wife whom we don't like and we all have to be awkwardly polite and we just talk about polite company topics and then all go home at a reasonable hour and it sucks), but those are some of my best memories in the world and it's gone forever now, and I guess this is just what happens as you get older, but it made me really depressed because I miss the way friendships used to be. And then my best friend/roommate and I got out of there, and he said to me "Well that was fucking awkward, want to go to the pub", so we did, and honestly it was awesome. Had a few pints in the pub, went back to our place, got drunk in the living room while listening to music and watching match videos in preparation for the trip to Mexico he's doing next week to coach one of our team's athletes in an Olympic qualifier, it's really exciting and I had so much fun just hanging out with him all night and that did feel like old times. And then obviously I woke up and hated myself.

I was very tempted to just say well, that's it, I'm not going to be sober now. But I know that's a cop-out. I never said I'd literally never drink again, and part of why I avoided saying that is I didn't want to be able to say that was the entire goal, if I break it once then it's all for nothing and I can give up. I said I want to drink less. What I meant is I want to be completely sober, but I don't want to fall into my black and white thinking of if I haven't spent all of 2024 completely sober then I may as well give up. You know, like the thinking that if I'm already drunk on one night, then I may as well stay up until 4 and continue drinking instead of going to bed at midnight, because more drinking when you're already drunk doesn't add to your total number of drinking nights, it's just more of the one drinking night, so you may as well stay up.

Anyway. I was talking to my friend today and tried to explain that maybe there is some way that we can keep having nights like that but I can just get really low-percentage drinks and it won't have the same effect, but I did then listen to this radio episode and realize it sounds more like bullshit coming from a known alcoholic. Because aside from anything else, I don't think I'd stick to it. And I'm not sure there's any alcohol that's weak enough for it to be healthy to drink it for like eight hours at a time.

On a lighter note, I appreciate John Robins explaining what percentages do to conversions, because I've had this happen before. In 2014, this guy from NZ moved up to my city and trained with my team for a year. When we first met him, he told us that he'd often drink a 2-4 (a pack of 24 beers) in a night. We thought this sounded absolutely ridiculous, as the most accomplished drinkers we knew could do maybe 16 or so. The first time we drank with him, we were prepared to be impressed, but it turned out he couldn't really drink any more than I could. At the end of the year he moved back to NZ, and the next year a bunch of us went down to NZ for his wedding, and also went to his bachelor party and on a post-wedding trip and much alcohol was drunk at all those events, and we quickly worked out the source of the confusion. NZ beer is all really week; he was telling the truth when he said he could drink 24 cans of it in a day, but so could my friends and I. I'm used to 5% being the standard for beer, you can get light beer that's 4 or 4.5 or even 3.5, and you can get fancy beers that tend to be between 5.5 and 7, and novelty beers that are 8 or 9. In NZ, it seemed like the standard was 4%. John Robins talks about 5% beer like it's way too much for session drinking.

Anyway. That's not really the point. The point is I rather hate myself but I am going to still try to not drink alcohol. Also I hate the institution of marriage. Mostly. Some people's partners are cool. If you're reading this then your partner is probably cool (that sounds like a joke but I'm not joking, I can think of three people who are likely to read this post and whom I talk to regularly and know some things about about their partners, all of you seem to have very cool partners, I may have just got unlucky that all my friends seem to be marrying people who make friendship much more difficult). Keeping it session is probably not the solution to drinking too much. Even though it seems tempting. I mean, drinking weak sessions beers would definitely be healthier than what I did the other night. But less healthy than not drinking. My roommate might get to coach at the Olympics this summer. I am (genuinely) very happy for him and (not genuinely) completely fine with him going and achieving our shared dreams without me after I stepped away from them. Life is difficult. I'll try again next week.

[ratcatcher0325]

Hey Alexander it your partner in crime again. The one who told you to rickroll Natalie. You have made it clear that you wake up before Natalie. 😏

When Natalie is asleep connect the phone to the Bluetooth speaker and play the song 'baby shark' ON FULL BLAST.

Trust me it's worth it

Your partner I'm crime ,

Anon

My god, you devilish trickster of an Anon, you!

I think we are becoming thick as thieves! I would delight in nothing more than to startle my human counterpart awake. Do you have any idea how many times I've been awoken during a peaceful midday slumber by her clumsy fingers knocking something over or simply stomping around the room like some irritated elephant?? Humans have no idea just how unbearably LOUD they are. If you could all just speak at about half your normal volume, it would do much to cure the almost constant ringing in my ears.

Okay, Baby... Shark, you say? I'm not sure what sounds infantile sharks even make, but perhaps that's not relevant here? Why a shark? Why not a traditionally cute animal? Don't you dare even THINK I'm cute, I WILL KILL YOU. Ahem, sorry, now that we've got that important message out of the way... Okay, this dumb looking video with children in pajamas dancing in front of a green screen? What is this? Why do you suggest the strangest human music? Oh well, if it will annoy Natalie to no end, then I'm on board. I hope it's not to catchy though, I'd hate to have it stuck in my head all day long as some sort of karmic payback for what I'm about to do.

You see, I waited to respond to this ask until she was asleep and I was nearby the desk where I had access to the devices I needed, and, here we are. She's been getting very little sleep between classes and exams, so she just flopped on the bed about twenty minutes ago and immediately passed out. She didn't even bother taking her shoes off... which, I find rather reprehensible. Do you humans just think you're too big to be susceptible to germs?? Don't you know it's bad hygiene to rub your dirty soles all over your bedsheets? Disgusting. Anyway.... I'm going to hit play now, let's see just what happens...

My god, Anon! She hated that more than the Rick... (Riding?? Roving? Some sort of R gerund, I know!) thing! She immediately bolted upright and just started grimacing, "FUCK! NO! NOOOO! WHO KEEPS TELLING YOU THESE INTERNET SECRETS? NO! WE ARE NOT GETTING EAR MURDERED BY BABY SHARK TODAY. GODDAMMIT, ALEXANDER!" Oh, oh she's crawled over the bed and is headed straight for the desk, I have a feeling I'm about to be plucked up and given a stern talking to....

Hi, hello, it's been several hours since the previous events transpired. I'm still chuckling to myself at the image of her absolutely wild mane of bed-tangled hair as she woke up shouting obscenities at me. That was delightful. It's evening here, now, and I'm supposed to be asleep but I've unlocked her phone just sitting there on her nightstand beside my bed. If she didn't want me to use it why would she put it so nearby, hm? Hopefully the light from the device won't wake her. In any case, yes, she snatched my up in a fist and tapped the pause button perhaps a bit too aggressively. But I think her utter exhaustion made her more loopy than truly upset, because she just held me and started to laugh and shake her head muttering under her breath "Why, little nightmare, why do you love torturing me? I am so tired, my dude. Stop taking advice from the internet. I love you, but you're gonna be the death of me, especially with people egging you on. You're too powerful now...." Why did she call me dude? I am not, nor will I ever be a dude. How grossly informal.

Well, anyway, that was delightfully fun, even though I absolutely have that egregiously repetitive tune now bouncing around inside my skull, so thanks for that. I think, in spite of herself, Natalie got a good laugh out of it too. Here's to arming me with wonderful human insider knowledge to baffle this poor woman beside me.

Yours truly,

Alexander

[0nlinejournal]

My tolerance for what I can handle on a day-to-day basis decreases substantially every year. Without access to healthcare I don’t know how many more years are left until I have 0 tolerance for anything at all. I am so tired of feeling this way. I am so tired of feeling like a little brat who is being a stupid fucking whiny baby about having to do literally *anything* when other people can do everything and thrive.

I know something is wrong. I’ve known something is wrong since freshman year of high school when I begged my mom for therapy. I thought it was just depression back then, or maybe a mood disorder, but my mother said I was fine and it was just hormones. But I knew the intensity in which I was feeling my negative thoughts was not at the same intensity of my peers. Now I don’t think it’s just depression, I think there’s an underlying issue that depression is a comorbidity of, but I can’t quite land on one in particular.

The last time I threw one of the options out there to a therapist (for the last year that I was still on my father’s health insurance) she immediately dismissed the suggestion saying I couldn’t have that because I wouldn’t have been able to do my job at the time.

I do all of my jobs for around 2 years and then I quit. I don’t know how I’ll ever have an “adult” job. I know that I’ll end up hating hit just after a couple of years, and then what’s the point in all the time, money, and effort I put into acquiring the skills for that “adult” job? How will I ever afford to exist in the world? How can I?

I’m upset with my parents. There’s so much weird shit I did as a kid that cumulatively should have been looked into. I still can’t fall asleep without literally rocking myself to sleep. I have to (gently) bang my head against the headrest if I’m a passenger in a car. I got in trouble for talking every single day in grade school, I cried every single day in grade school. I was smart academically but nearly failed every test I took. I harmed myself! WHY was I not taken to ANYONE?

I did shrooms for the first time this past year, and it was a generally awful emotional experience for me. I was reverted to a literal child. I cried the entire time. I felt so small. I felt like a toddler walking unbelievably slow around my apartment. Second time I tried to take a minuscule amount to see how that would feel, but I still took a bit too much. And that time I realized that the feeling that was laced throughout my body that made me feel like a child, was fear. I remembered how scared I was of everything as a child. I would lie awake at night crying until I fell asleep. Every night, I silently cried until I slept. Until eventually my dad suggested I get a small box fan for white noise at night. Life changing. But that was only one aspect. On this small unwanted shroom trip I realized that the feeling I felt in my body as a child was anxiety. That fear was pent up anxiety trapped within my bones. And only now as an adult I can recognize it. I cried so much. To think, I was so anxious.

I’m sorry, I needed to rant. I’m going to stop here.

#may #2023 #mentally tired #online journal #tumblr journal #personal #mental health

[calypsoff3]

Six. Part 6

The waiting game is the most painful “his mugshot has been released” Herb said “Chris’ I’m guessing? And it’s TMZ?” I’m not shocked because they are the ones to fucking release that shit like it’s nothing “yeah, they did. He’s laughing, in the picture that is. He don’t care” waving my hand “let me see” I can’t be bothered to be searching that shit myself, Herb can show me on his phone “yeah the nigga is smiling in it” taking his phone from him, seeing Chris’ mugshot I know they got a collection of his mugshots; he’s been here several times but him smiling here just makes me laugh, he doesn’t regret a single thing. Scrolling down a little, they not even putting out the reason why “Herb, get Jeff to put out what Sinko did, get it out there. Get his friends to tell everything, I don’t care. I want him to rot, tell everything. Tell TMZ the real thing, I want it known. When he goes jail it will be the worst thing of his life, so please do it” I said passing his phone back to him “I will” Herb said before walking off “my lawyer is calling” answering the call “hello” I hope he says we can go and see him “hi Robyn, so we can’t go until they set the bail. No matter what has happened they want to do that, we can’t go there as of yet. They are processing him still, in terms of the male he attacked he is suffering loss of consciousness, I don’t see him dying. He’s ok but he will be in hospital for a while, he is has been arrested also so that is good news on our end, I will keep you updated. It can be any moment now to get him out so don’t worry” my lawyer said “thanks, I want him out, so I don’t care. Pay whatever the amount and get him out, I want him home” putting the phone down “he said they are setting bail so I have to wait so he will be out, just need to wait it out” looking at Rylee “I want to go Barbados, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to see dad” she said “why?” I questioned “because he’s going to hate me and then he’s going to know the things I saw; I can’t face him” she wiped her tears “he won’t hate you; I think maybe more upset but not hate you. This isn’t your fault, I keep saying it but I’m right baby, stop it” Rylee ran off crying “she’s going to be going through it” Mel said “she’s blaming herself for something that isn’t her fault” she needs to stop it “I will sit with her, you never know with these teenagers now” nodding my head “thanks Mel” I needed her here “did he do anything else? He said some really questionable things to me, he even said he would fuck a young Rihanna, I was like huh? But did he do anything else to her?” Herb asked “we do need to talk to her properly but right now it’s a little in the air, we need to just be there for her” I mumbled, I don’t know what Chris will be like with her right now.

It’s so eerily quiet and a sense of sadness in this house, it’s just a waiting game. I just want my man back home; I’ve not even slept and it’s morning. I’m here waiting on the call; I am not shocked they didn’t do anything at night, but I want him home with me “you going to join the Free Breezy movement” Herb said laughing “what do you mean?” I asked “Free Breezy is trending, there is people outside the courthouse chanting. The homies are out there, it’s hype” I laughed “wow, really? What is being said?” I didn’t even notice or pay attention to what is happening with that “well since you leaked the fact why it happened, people want him free saying he did nothing wrong and he’s innocent, the peado is in the hospital. It’s going off” I chuckled “mommy” seeing Raihan awake “hey baby” picking him up and placing him on my lap “morning my love” wrapping my arms around him, pressing a kiss at the side of his face “mom” one is awake the rest will follow “now who woke you up” I said, Junior laughed and climbed onto the couch “I am awake mom” I knew he would start climbing on me, he rested onto side of me “are you ok?” I asked him “I am happy” least he is happy, pressing a kiss to the back of Raihan’ head “these boys are clingy as shit to you” Herb laughed “they are, and they are tired still, aren’t you both” they are laying on me like they had a hard day of work “is my mom here?” Imani said, “I am here, behind the door” I said, these kids “Junior pulled the covers off me and Ti and ran off, he also kicked me here” she lifted her top “no!” Junior shouted in my ear “in my ear! Get down now” turning to the side and grabbing him down “apologise to Imani? You do not kick her, that’s not nice” he got down laughing “aye little nigga, don’t be kicking your sister now” Herb said “I did not” he said “you did do it, you kicked me and then took the covers off me” Tianna poked her head around “you” she grabbed Junior, he is loving it “let’s hit him” Imani followed behind, let them fight each other “he’s bad, he will be a problem” Herb laughed “I know, they can hatch it out until someone cries. Only the baby of the family is good” Raihan looked at me “yes, you’re the baby” kissing his cheek.

Closing the bedroom door behind me, I decided to check on Rylee. I think soon I could be going to get Chris out; I want him home “Rylee” I said “leave me alone” she said “why? What’s wrong? You can’t be crying like this all day” I said to her “I don’t want to be here, I am embarrassed. And then now my dad is in jail because of me, this all happened because of me. I am ashamed, please mom. Let me cry alone” sitting at the side of the bed “I wish I had a mom that cared like I do, my mom left me to it. Everything was me doing it alone, you know that right?” I said, she shook her head “I wish I had a mother that I could go too, that I could just say mom this boy is doing this to me, I couldn’t. I didn’t have that, and it hindered me so badly, it did. I struggled but I had a good husband, not many get that Rylee. I am here for you; I will remain here for you. Please tell me what is upsetting you? What is there to be ashamed about? He came onto you?” I said “but now the whole world knows mom, I’m pathetic. Dad is in jail because of me, it wasn’t meant to be like this. I didn’t want this, if you just kept it quiet” is this girl stupid “stupid!? He’s a grown man, no the fuck I will Rylee! Don’t be so stupid, I would never keep it quiet. My daughter, my baby. Did you want to see his dick!? Did you want that that?” Now she got me shouting “I didn’t want him to touch me!” She screamed back at me, and the words hit me “what?” I said “leave me alone mom, just leave! Go! I don’t want to speak to you or anybody! I don’t want it!” She shouted at me, my phone started ringing “Rylee” I said “no” she turned away from me even more” answering the call “hi” I said “let’s go” my lawyer said, that means we can go and get Chris. Getting up from the bed “watch her” I said to Mel running out of the bedroom, I am sick.

The car ride to the county jail was quiet, they are holding Chris there currently. She said touch her; but in what way, I am just the person she hates right now, I have done nothing, but she feels I’ve done plenty. Staring off and seeing the crowd of people, there is so many people out here just shouting free breezy, but I need to get to the front “be careful, try and get me close as possible” the car is going ever so slowly, the realisation that I’m here seeped in and then the crowd started to slap the window and shouting my name, I am just so numb to things. I want to go home and just try and get Rylee to speak to me, this isn’t good. Did he touch her, but in what way. I need answers, I need her to tell me what happened because I am ready to breakdown, I am so ready to cry because my baby, that my baby girl. The car came to halt “watch out! Make a gap!” Police shouted; Rich opened the door for me. Getting out of the car; I can feel the pushing already “my god” I said, I walked a little bit and then I couldn’t because the crowd seeped through into the gap “what do you say to the police that locked up your innocent husband?” Someone shouted, looking up “free my damn husband” The crowd went crazy, rich placed his arm around me so I can get through. There is so much pushing and shoving right now, let me just take a deep breath and get through it. They are for Chris but come on, give us some space, I want to just get to my man.

The police officers are just staring at me, I just want him out right now, but they are playing mind games now, I just want him out. I just want them to realise him “why are you keeping him in there?” I am not understanding why they are keeping my man away from me “it’s not that we are doing it on purpose, but we have more checks to do, also he is not being the most forthcoming, he’s being very rude to the officers” crossing my arms “if there is any harm to him, I am coming for you all, ok?” I had to add “and I don’t expect anything less from Rihanna” oh this man is cheeky, I mean he has big arms, and he is cute but I’m going to need him to act right “mhmmm” poking my lips out, I am getting annoyed “I don’t get why they got me cuffs still” I can hear him, my lawyers walked out and then Chris did with the biggest smile on his face “Chris!” I spat waving; he smiled at me “can you take the cuffs off my client thank you” the officers are just being assholes “hey” he said to me as I walked over to him “you look happy” he chuckled “because I am, ain’t nothing to be sad about, fuck them niggas” wrapping my arms around him as they let him go “I love you so much! I am so happy you’re ok, I just want you out, I want you out. I love you” he picked me up holding me close “I love you too, I did it for my kids. Nobody fucks with my kids” I feel so emotional, my husband and everything “I need you” I said to him “I’m home now, it’s ok. I am calm” I sighed out “let’s go home” he put me down, I am just happy to see him. I want to take him home and put this shit behind us, I want to concentrate on our daughter.

Chris sighed out “lot of support out here, Free Breezy and all that” I smiled “yeah, I had my lawyer ready to get you out of there, I was not about to leave you there to rot. We was waiting for the bail part. But I don’t care what you done to him, I just care for our daughter Chris, I want to know how you feel? She really thinks that you hate her?” Chris clenched his jaw “I don’t hate her; I am just very angry at her. I don’t want to see her just yet, I feel like she does some dumb shit on purpose, I am not fucking with that, if I speak to her then I may say things I will regret so when I get home I just want to see my kids that listen, you know” shaking my head “Chris, you can’t do that. There is so much more she needs to tell us, you doing this is going to break her heart. She loves you Chris, please do not do this to me. We both argued and I said did you want him to message you with the way you are acting, then she screamed at me I didn’t want him to touch me. That took me aback and I was mute. She told me to leave her alone and that she doesn’t want me to be near her but you just not liking her is going to upset her” Chris balled his fist up “before I see Rylee I need to calm down, I can’t see her. I get it, the shit isn’t her fault, but she does shit to piss me off, the way she dresses too, I just need time, I need a moment” he doesn’t get it, but I do.

The boys are so happy to see Chris home, so is the girls minus Rylee because she isn’t to be seen but Mel is downstairs so does that mean she is downstairs “don’t ever leave us again dad” Tianna said to him “I won’t, don’t y’all be breaking my heart then” Rylee is downstairs, she just stood looking at Chris “get out of my face, I don’t want to see you” chewing on my top lip “go, go on. Don’t come downstairs” he said putting his head down “Chris” I said to him, Rylee put her head down. I really need Tianna to be there for her, but she just walked by “don’t bother speaking to me or your sisters, when I look in that phone and see more shit then I will speak to you. Don’t even look at me” mean mugging Chris as I followed behind her and I ran up the steps, he is a bastard for that. Just because he had to beat his friend up, I get he is disappointed in her “Rylee” I said as she is rushing to her bedroom “hey” I grabbed her arm and she fell into my arms crying “baby” I said holding her tight “I am here Rylee, I am here for you” Chris could just stay silent instead of barking, now she is making me cry, closing my eyes trying not to sob.

#Chrianna #Chrianna Fanfic #Fanfic #Fanfiction #Chrianna Fanfiction

[calypsoff2]

Ninety Nine. Part 4

I ain’t sleeping anyways, I will remain awake because I need her to wake up and do what she needs to do which includes her kicking off because I did this, I mean I get it, she’s going to feel angry and upset because I took her out of the house, but I also hate the fact she’s going to do this and have this meltdown with me. The only thing going on in my mind is how much she did go through, and she never really said, she was always there for me, listened to me, listened to how I went jail, how I went through nearly dying but did I ask how she felt when she came here. I should have known, I mean her coming to my school was awful for her, I can imagine those perverts making an advice at her. It pains me to know she was scared of men, and it was just her. This is right, she would have been scared of them because she was like that with me, even the time when at the place and when she initiated sex that time, and then after I went weird with her. I know that must have fucked her up, I just didn’t think. I didn’t realise in that sense and it’s reckless of me, I didn’t be the man she wanted really, I kind of neglected her in that sense. I hope nothing happened in terms of her having to have sex with these old men, I don’t know if I could take it. She was literally a vulnerable adult; I am so fucking upset. Even if we are here for two days, as long as she doesn’t have those nasty tablets, I don’t care. It’s not good for her, she’s not with us or even there. When she wasn’t taking it she was coming back to us, reacting too so I know she will be angry when she comes to me, probably angry when she does, Robyn is such a kind hearted person and I think life including me broke her and it’s taken a long time for her to break, all these years she kept strong, she’s kept her issues to herself and went on with life. I think I just need to stop being so selfish, I am a selfish man towards her. And that end part I read about Imani; I do get why the therapist may have been concerned because it didn’t sound well at all. My album will be on hold until my wife is better, that is what comes first in my life. Who fucking cares about music when the most important person is not well or feeling good in herself, I am a fool and I pushed it. I did push it and I know what I did, that is me, I am the idiot and I feel so bad. My kids, they was watching me be a dickhead and they thought that was a good thing.

Robyn is still asleep, funny that, and the sun is coming up. I can’t sleep myself now, I’m just having a blunt, calm my nerves down. I just want that first initial interaction with her, so I know her mindset, to know where she is at or how she is feeling with everything, I’m nervous. She’s going to be feeling a little out of it because she’s woken up at a different place, putting out my blunt. I have no idea why I am having it outside, when I’m home like with the kids I have it outside, so I just feel I am in that vibe, I’m dumb. Stepping back inside, I’m tired. I won’t lie but I will need to keep an eye on her and if I need to use sleeping tablets on her again I will; I don’t play with her. I have no food in the house, once she is awake we can order Uber and get some breakfast, I am waiting for the food shopping to be delivered which is about eleven “Jesus!” I jumped; she is right there. She scared me and I scared her, she is confused and looking around “where are we?” She asked, I was here waiting for her to wake up and she is awake “how are you feeling?” I asked because she always diverts that question “where are we?” Walking backwards “Palm Springs!” I spat; she looks so confused at life “where is my medication?” I shrugged “tell me how you are first?” I asked “I don’t understand why we are here Chris!? Why are we here” I laughed “mhmmm maybe because I bought you here” Robyn stared at me “look at you Robyn, you’re you! You can think for yourself, you’re angry, you’re showing emotion. You don’t need that, you really don’t” she is mad “I don’t want to feel, ever thought of that?” She said back to me “well you are going to feel, this is not it. This is not the way, I won’t have you being that way” she is getting angry, I’m glad she is “I want my tablets! They are mine! I want it” shaking my head “no, you can bark all you want. It’s not happening” she pushed at my chest, least she is feeling emotion “I hate you!” She spat “I love you too” I said back to her “no you don’t! You don’t love me! Leave me alone” she is angry, and I get it “it’s me Robyn, come on. Just calm down, I’m doing this for your own good, you need this” she walked off, she can because she needs to relax, I get she is mad that I moved her to come here.

I stifled out a yawn, I am on the phone with Jay, I just need to tell him that I won’t be around but he’s talking about the album, and he just keeps on talking “yeah, I know. Family emergency, I need to be here” I said “about that, Rihanna? Where is she?” Seeing Robyn walking out of the bedroom, she is storming. Watching her walking towards the door, oh no she’s not doing this “yeah, about that. I need to go” I said getting up from the couch “speak soon” disconnecting the call and placing my phone on the side, Robyn works fast. She has opened the door already, walking behind her “where are you going?” I asked “from you, I hate you. You took me, I don’t even know where I am. Where is my phone?” She turned to me “somewhere, you need to heal. Don’t worry, your therapist will be here. Just calm down, no need to be angry” I said “angry!? You’re making me worse, I don’t want to think, I don’t want too, I don’t want this. I am done, you can have the kids. I’m over it, let me be. Just go” shaking my head “fucking go!” She barked “you wanted away from me; you have the kids what more do you want from me? What more” she sobbed out “please give me the tablets, my head hurts” she said, “and that is ok, we can fix this” seeing the delivery driver pull up “no!” She shouted, she saw the driver pull and then went by me to go inside “Robyn, hey” I said, she banged the door shut which means I am locked out, she is a pain. She’s upset, I did bring her here too I guess “hi” I waved at the driver, he is looking at me crazy “women” I laughed, let me try and shrug it off because he’s probably judging me “it’s ok” he laughed, I pray Robyn didn’t look the door “these the bags yeah” I bought less, it made me laugh actually. I am a terrible shopper I think, she’s going to hate that I just bought drinks and junk food “thank you” I said, taking the bags from him “real Chris Brown yeah?” He said “nah I’m a clone, good looking out yeah” taking the bags from him as I walked off, let me find out she’s locked me out. The door is unlocked, good “using my phone yeah” I said, kicking the door shut “he’s kidnapped me” I laughed out “Mel he did, please. I need my medication, I’m not well” placing the bags down on the floor, she needs to quit this shit.

Robyn stared at me and I just stared at her “who else are you calling? Who’s going to help you now Robyn? I am not here to upset you or even harm you, you got to open your eyes that the therapist is not your friend, the tablets aren’t your friend. The kids need you, not me! They don’t want me, they wanted me because I am fun. Then they got bored, and they wanted mom, please wake up. Stop this, you look terrible too. Not in a way of what you think but you’re so skinny, look at you. Come on Robyn please, your family are relying on me to help you, and I want to do that for you, I said that after this. I will give you that divorce, you deserve happiness. Please” she has my phone, she can have it but she’s being stupid “I love you, I do” she shook her head moving back from me “then let me go” she said, “in what way?” I said “every way” shaking my head “argue with me all you want, I won’t let you go in any way” I moved to the side as my phone flew by me, it hit the wall. I didn’t get angry, I took it. I accepted her being like this “Robyn, I love you so fucking, I do. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I do, I really do” she dropped down to her knees and cried out “come on” she yelped out hitting my hand away, I know. I get it, she is mad with me “we all love you” she’s just going to have to cry it out, she turned around on her hands and knees and that was it, she was sick on the floor “ok” nodding my head turning away from her, she broke my phone I guess. I need it to keep in contact with the kids, they are going to be so upset with me. Picking the phone up from the floor, my screen has a crack on it, I guess it’s noting has it does work still.

Since she’s been sick she is mute now, just staring off. I mean of course I cleaned it up “you want to sweat it out?” I said to her, but she is just staring off “you want to talk? Should I talk? You want me to talk and you can listen, like on a real because I read your diary” I admitted, her head slowly turned to me “and I am so sorry, the way I am, the way I was with you. Erm, wow. Look, you want me to talk? You just listen, you don’t need to even say a word, you can sleep straight after, but I want to express something that is on my mind and heart, I have been selfish with you” I clenched my jaw “yes?” I said, she nodded her head “this ain’t nothing, no Captain no nothing, it’s me saying what I need to say to you. I am not being asked or forced to Robyn, I know you are listening to me and you can take it in” licking my lip “I uhm, ever since I reconnected with you. I have held shit in my heart and what I did to myself, how I got myself in that position. I always said to you that the nigga you met then, changed when he went to jail. But when we reconnected, I was and always will be so happy we did, best day ever for me but I always had the notion of, she ain’t the girl I met because of the fame and I always held that, I did. I got to admit and when the first time we had sex and you initiated it I did feel like, an ego boost, I did. I ghosted you and I did that, I take the blame, but I always loved you, I realised that and when we had sex it made it worse, but I felt I never was the nigga you met. Talking to you, the way I do gives me a trip and it does, I am sorry. I am admitting to it because you have been dealing with it for years and still over and over again you was ok to have me in your life, so I was like whatever, and that was a bad attitude to have, it was. If we are being real that was pretty pathetic on my end as a man. I never kind of realised that Rylee would manipulate my behaviour in a way, because she is so into you as a mother, she adores you, so I didn’t think, I honestly didn’t and that is fucked up. Being the way I was with you as a man is shameful, because you’re Robyn and I met you as Robyn, but I thought fuck it, I have the power in this house and the grudge I held over you about the kids, I am sorry” putting my head down “Robyn can do no wrong and I held on to it because I could, and there was no reason too. It’s frustrating on your end because I was mentally playing with you and I am going to get help for that, because I am a dickhead, I am so sorry. I am” Robyn got up and walked off, I deserve that.

I checked up on Robyn and she is asleep, she went to sleep on her own accord and nothing to do with tablets, I am just going to leave her to it and sleep on the couch. I have said a lot and I don’t blame her for walking off, reading her diary was an eye opener because she has been dealing with me for years and it’s not just little things either. I want her to heal and if she wants, I mean of course I won’t be signing any divorce, she may need to hunt me down but if she wants that then I don’t blame her. Jail fucked me up bad, everything really. Robyn is right, I wanted to be boss of my kids, so I stayed in California. Then she ended up pregnant, and again I stressed her out a lot about it that Imani was so unwell, I am annoyed with myself. It’s not even late night, it’s midday and she is asleep so I may have a nap actually because I haven’t slept all night and that is no good for me. I need to be mentally here for her, I need to admit to my faults with her and stop it. My kids watch me, I shouldn’t be so stupid with things. I mean of course Rylee watches, that girls is so clever with shit. She honestly is sly at times, but she is growing and it’s going to get worse, and I need to fix it now before she becomes a teenager and then we lose control of her.

I jumped up awake, looking to the side of me and seeing my phone ringing. Looking to the window, it’s midnight “shit” answering the call “hey” it’s Rylee “daddy I miss you” it’s Imani “aww baby” clearing my throat “yeah, I miss you too. Are you ok? Sorry daddy just woke up, you scared me awake” I chuckled “you was sleeping?” shit, let me check on Robyn “I was baby but it’s ok, it doesn’t bother me at all, I rather be here for you. What are you doing? Where is your sisters” I bet she has left, she would actually. I pray she is here “I am thinking of mommy and daddy” letting out an oh “and so are we” opening the door, Robyn is still asleep “and I want to play but momo said I can’t because it’s late” I chuckled “it’s late baby, why do you want to play” walking over to Robyn, she is asleep. She is sweating bad, touching the top of her forehead “I don’t know, can I speak to mommy because I have a new song” she is sweating a lot “you do, what song is it?” I asked, “can I sing it to you?” she asked “of course you can, I am here” walking off out of the room “On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright, then this thing turned out so evil. I don't know why” she sang so sweet “you like this song too baby? I love it, where is the rest of the song?” I asked “I am learning dad, when mommy come back I can sing it to her but dad, oh na na is the best don’t tell mom it’s not, she might get sad” I chuckled “I won’t, I promise. So any other songs? How about Chris Brown?” I said, “they not girl songs dad!” I chuckled “but Rylee said a bad word and she got in trouble, and it was your song, so no” my sweet, sweet angel “baby I love you so much. Please don’t grow” I said “I grow big” poking my bottom lip out.

Robyn finally appeared, meaning she woke up and she has yet to eat. I mean I bought pizza, but it’s late in the night but she wants painkillers, but she can’t have it on an empty stomach, she ate and was sick after so it’s no good “I got you another therapist, someone better. For us both, together” I said, she is mute of course. She doesn’t want to speak to me, and I totally understand why “I am sorry for a lot of things” I said “I want to go home” she said “soon” I said, she is tired still “I am going to sleep again” this is so painful “you can do whatever you want, that medication needs to leave you system, it’s no good for you. I wish you spoke to me before you did” Robyn got up from the couch “leave me alone” she walked off; she hates me but whatever. This will be a long process; she needs to sweat that shit out of her system. At the end of the day, she had it and it is in her system. Least she is feeling now, that is a plus.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfic #Fanfiction #Chrianna Fanfic #Chrianna Fanfiction

[paopufruits]

y’all i’m so sorry i’m hardly active on here, i really am.

i sound like a whiny baby but i’m so exhausted all the time, and mentally and physically i’m just not doing well. this has been feeding my depression and making it worse, which isn’t helping in the slightest. why do these always keep getting really long lmao

tl;dr i'm tired and all i do is sleep or lay around and rest and do nothing productive and it's taking a toll on me bc idk when i'm getting anymore extended time off and i just want to have time to properly rest and recuperate w/o worrying about work. and it's preventing me from doing anything productive

i'm a broken record but idc anymore man.

my vacation keeps getting pushed back, and i’m ngl, i’m still miffed my boss hasn’t even talked to me about it. i’m just. so tired. so physically tired that atp, if i let myself sleep without getting up to do anything that i need to do, i am getting around 12 hours of sleep or more. that’s literally half the day. i should not be sleeping that much of my time away, and it’s because my body is literally exhausted to the point that i’ve been getting headaches and fighting to stay awake while at work even when i am getting normal amounts of sleep.

i can't keep going on like this, and i really hope it changes soon bc it makes me want to cry. i hate feeling this way, feeling so sick and tired all the time. i just want my frickin extra time off, and the fact that my boss won't even talk to me about it just upsets me even more. the asm will literally pitch a fit if she can't get her vacation time or keep her off days. she does it all the time. when she starts trying to put her vacations in too close together and the sm rejects it, she will come to the store on her time off and demand to know why her time off requests were denied. she rarely has to cover for anyone if they call out, and when she does, she doesn't hesitate to let everyone know how pissy she is about it.

and not to go back to it, but that's a thing that really pisses me off about the sm trying to guilt trip me for wanting that one off-day back. i'm not like the asm. i don't gripe to all my coworkers about not having off this day or that day or whatever. i have not ever, actually, said anything to her about all the 9 - 13 day "weeks" she keeps scheduling me for (which will probably change, bc if i found out that the reason i have next weekend off is bc she's scheduling me for an extra long work "week" again, i will be saying something to her bc i'm fucking tired of it. i should not have to work two damn weeks for one day off). i have quite literally NEVER said anything about my off-days being taken without her contacting me before—even when that's been the reason i've had to work 13 days straight, but whatever—unless i had to remind her about certain times i'd already requested off bc of prior appointments (mostly for medical), and it's rare i have to say anything to her about that. i keep my displeasure to myself and bitch to my mom or on here, but i never say anything to my coworkers or my boss bc i don't like feeling like i'm being a nuisance.

but like??? that was the first double she'd had to pull in months. i've pulled more than they have, bc of someone calling out and the asm and other coworkers refusing to cover for anyone. and i still don't feel sorry for her covering that night bc she got the next day off. if i'd just let it stand and not said anything to her, it would've lead to another one of those 13-day work "weeks" for me and i wasn't having that lmfao. and, like, i am the only one that this happens to regularly. not even the girl who wants to work for days on end with no time off gets to do that. the sm has denied her requests of less time off because "you need to take time off, no one can work like that without a break here and there." which is true, yeah, but it's really fucking hypocritical bc?? she expects me to?????? she's scheduled me for these long ass "weeks" more than anyone in that store without even asking me if i'm okay with it, so????? fuck that.

it fucking sucks and it makes me wonder if i made the right decision about not taking a chance on that work-from-home job i found. i can't tell if i dodged a bullet by listening to the reviews, or if i screwed up a really good chance.

let me have my extended time off! damn!

[ihopewearesoup]

Sir,

Tonight, I’m upset with you.

I feel as though you’re haunting me, wherever I go. I am ashamed to even look back my old work, all I see is me manifesting this torturous situation on myself since I was twelve.

I can not kiss anyone else without remembering the way your lips felt on mine. That cocky fucking look in your eyes. The way you crooned: “My girl”, over and over again. A mantra against my skin.

I am so angry I could cry.

I even treasure the way you pinch me, awake. And then get annoyed at me for being shaken; I know my weakness scares you.

It scares me too.

I would like to perform an exorcism to get you out of my mind, I just want it to end. For you to stop playing phantom inside my head.

I would be lying to say I haven’t tried. Ha! I have fled the country in a desperate bid to move on. I’ve buried myself under bodies, under experiences. It is deliriously painful, but it doesn’t hurt to see you with anyone else, no. As I said before, that does not hurt.

What does feel so malignant to me, is your complete lack of regard. Am I that disgusting to you?

I know I am not.

I know I deserve someone who well and truly loves me, but, gosh. They are not you.

Make up your mind, be kind to me or just remove yourself from my life completely. I can’t handle the shreds of hope you so generously pepper me with knowing full well I do not have the need for selfpersevation that would stop me.

Hope springs eternal. C’est la vie.

You bring out the absolute worst in me.

Hurt, angry- fuming.

As much you love and hate to admit it, you are not a God, sir. Though, I’d like to pretend I am: perhaps then I could turn you into a flower or a tree of some sort of be rid of you in my head?

But then I would not be able to benefit from your presence. You see, you also bring out the best in me, because, despite all this I still hold you in the highest regard. All this is simply a manifestation of my headspace. You’ve been a net positive in my life, so far. I can see you being smug over this.

You are a good person, as much as it hurts my non existent pride to admit.

Because you push me to do better, with a word.

A glance.

A smile.

A gesture.

You inspire me to be better, do better. And I know that the rest is simply the human in you. Your own demons, trauma manifesting itself in some awful way that does not involve me. So how can I not love you?

For persevering throughout everything. Admirable, you are despicably, villainously admirable.

Thé you as you are right now? Not mine, never mine. Thé you I love has a mild disregard for me, actually.

But I know that is not true. So bear with me on this one, they tell me this how I should heal. One way forward.

There’s no looking back now.

There never has been with me.

Begrudgingly yours,

Self medicating.

P.S. I’ve attached the offending work with this letter, so you can marvel at the clairvoyant abilities of young me. How naive to be wishing for a hard love.

After Dark

The air sits stagnant between the two of us during the day, as it has since I met him. Whenever I think a breeze might be stirring, just a whisper loose on my lips, the atmosphere goes dry. Living so close to the sea, one may expect a nice coastal wind to frequent our region, but the air is only moist and heavy and not so cool; at the very least, it is now

But when night comes, and the sun sets and takes its warmth with it, the winds lift the water and create the crests on the waves. From his open window just a couple of feet away, we can hear the waves lapping against the rock walls. It is the only sound between us now, the constant reminder that the winds blow only after dark.

The nighttime breeze is gentle, a caress and a kiss, but the quiet daytime air is harsh. That may be why I have always preferred staying up at night and why he stays up with me, but it may also just be in my head. For now, though, I just lie next to him and listen to the sound of the waves, too aware that this will be over in a couple of hours. It always is.

"Mmm, May, listen… the Wingulls are awake," he finally notes, as if it is something new, once the sun peeks through the shades. He rolls over onto his side to look at me and smiles, a hand finding its way to one of mine. I have been awake all along, just listening, and I know that the Wingulls signal the end of our time together.

[myshiptrashcan]

>:(

I'm extremely upset about today. My father has unexpectedly gotten the day off. He tried waking me up by being loud, like using a hammer on my wall to fix his masks, playing my frank record that he knows I like, and playing the fucking didgeridoo right by my door.

He's done this because it was 11 am as in saying it's time to wake up. It's late enough into the day that I should be awake. I went to bed at 6 am. He knows I don't sleep at night. But oh I should be awake. I don't get enough sleep on the weekends you know. I'm a long sleeper unfortunately and I need 10-12 hours to feel rested. I hate it. On the weekends I wake "early" because we all hang out on weekends.

I don't get enough sleep on weekends. I try to get my sleep in during the week. It's Monday. And I didn't get to sleep even 8 hours. No I got 5. Because Dad felt I should be awake.

I NEED MY SPACE. I need my alone time to recharge. I do not like his presence right now. I don't like the noise of him watching his show in the next room. Because it should be FUCKING SILENT RIGHT NOW. I should be alone.

He even made cream of wheat and coffee and shit because he knows it's my favorite. I'm just upset still. I had planned things today.

So, I'm upset because the entirety of my plans and routine have been uprooted. This is not how the week goes. I feel so fucking upset right now. Why!? I shouldn't be upset at all! I'm upset and I feel like stomping and crying. I shouldn't be upset. I locked myself in my room and put on my headphones. It's helping a bit. I don't feel so good. The fuck is wrong with me?

#this is me #delete later

[sock-milk]

I don't feel loveable. I don't feel desirable. And everyday I feel less loved and less desired. Even after he holds me and tells me I'm worth it, even after he and I pleasure each other. I hate the way I am and so does he, so why do I have such a hard time doing anything right? Everytime I speak to him he's annoyed because he's doing something else, but he always is. I rarely find time to talk to him without interrupting something we are doing. I assumed that that's how conversations usually are but I was mistaken. He is hurting and so am I. Why do we have to hurt each other.

Many weeks ago I've been told that he would do things for me to please me. He had done this multiple times, but last time he said he may eat me out. As usual, he was never in the mood. The other day he was playing with me and asked if I showered. I said I hadn't and he said that when I did he had a surprise for me. I showered the next night and even shaved and got into a cute outfit. But he just wanted to sleep. So we slept. Yesterday, the day after, I wore the same shirt and white panties. Later last night we were on Twitter and I discovered my old account where i liked and shared some nsfw stuff, mostly cnc. Some of it was extremely shameful. He then asked me to suck his dick. I asked if I could get a pillow for my knees and put my hair up; he said no. I painfully got on my knees and did my job while he tried to play a game. Then he had me sit on his cock, going up and down sometimes. Then we walked, with him still inside of me, to the bed where he bent me over and fucked me nicely. Yeah it was nice. But I wasn't satisfied. He said we may or may not have more sex later that night but not to get my hopes up. I told myself it wasn't happening so I wouldn't hope, but I couldn't help it. I've been hoping for this for basically months. Last night he told me to go to bed and that he was gonna stay up for a while longer. Due to what he said earlier and the fact that he had liked a tweet along the lines of "fuck me in my sleep," I held out hope. I thought about what he might do to me and I fucking hoped harder than ever that everything would go right that night. Meanwhile I was also severely fucking anxious. I couldn't stop thinking about him leaving or hating me, that he's fucking repulsed by me so ofc he wouldn't want to be with me. I also dealt with a lot of uncontrollable memories that randomly popped into my head to make me feel more shame or self hatred. I tried to fall asleep and tell myself that whatever Ash wants to do tonight will happen. But I just couldn't stop shaking and occasionally crying. When he finally came to bed, he just laid down with me. It wasn't what I craved but I was relieved. We started talking and he said he was wide awake. Eventually he got up and said he wanted to stay up. I had been waiting so long for him and i was in a terrible place mentally, but it seems that the times that I need him most are the times that I upset him further. I don't remember exactly what I said but I begged him to stay and i held onto him. He got mad because my sadness was obvious to him and he felt guilt tripped. He said he feels like that a lot and that he doesn't really have free will. He also reminded me of his tormenting nightmares and that's why he hates sleeping. I didn't know what to say or do. I just wanted to cry and tell him that I need him but that would only have made everything worse. I need to work on how I react to things externally, not showing how disappointed or in pain I truly am. I said I try to suppress my reactions and he yelled at me basically saying it's not true. But he doesn't feel the pressure that builds up inside when I try not to cry, but a tear is still shed. He doesnt understand that I shake because I'm trying to keep the pain inside like I'm a dam, not because I'm trying to make him physically feel my pain. He sees me as unnecessarily overreactive, and I certainly am, but he doesn't feel the true extent of it. He doesnt feel my chest tighten up, or my neck muscles start to cramp up, or my stomach getting queasy, or the veins in my arms fucking burning. I hide all of that and I am still too much for people.

Last night, I was also too scared to admit that part of my pain was sexual. Sex means nothing to him, nothing good. He says he doesn't care about sex, but that's because it's easy for him. He always gets satisfied. I have been willing to do damn near anything for him, things that make me genuinely uncomfortable, even things that fucking hurt like kneeling without a cushion under my knees. I assumed a long time ago that the more effort I put into pleasing him, the more effort he would put into pleasing me. I am, once again, very sadly mistaken. And I have no idea how to deal with this. He is insecure about sex and the fact that he hasn't been making me cum is a part of that apparently, but he doesn't seem to make much effort to. The last time he "tried" and had his fingers on my mostly dry clit and then gave up. I don't know what tf to do. How do I admit something so shameful that sexual dissatisfaction has been negatively affecting my mentality, enhancing my own insecurities and fears? Especially when it means so little to him. He would think I'm a ridiculous slut. Or maybe he already thinks that. I don't know. He is worth everything to me, I just wish I was worth a little bit to him.

#6:55pm

[storiesforallfandoms]

comparisons ~ machine gun kelly

word count: 2195

request?: yes!

“Can I get a Colson Baker one where you’re dating after him and Megan where you get a bunch of hate and they both defend you against the hate please”

description: when her boyfriend’s ex is one of the most beautiful actresses of this generation, she finds herself being constantly compared to her and receiving hateful messages

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing, hate messages, insecurities

masterlist (one, two)

There was some sort of assumption that when you start dating someone, you immediately hate their ex. That could not be further from the truth for me and Colson. In fact, Colson’s ex-girlfriend introduced us shortly after their break up, and had constantly pushed for the two of us to get together.

Megan was basically the backbone in our friendship. She pushed me to pursue my dreams in acting (as well as helped you with that since she was so much more famous than you were when you started), then she pushed me to start auditioning for bigger roles. The moment she introduced me to Colson, I knew exactly what was coming next.

“That’s weird, Meg,” I had told her. “Isn’t there, like, a girl code about dating your best friend’s ex?”

“I’m literally shoving you onto him,” she had responded. “I think you’re fine with the girl code.”

A few months after meeting, I finally caved and asked Colson out on a date. Six months later, I was still thanking Megan for giving me that push.

Shortly after making our relationship public, however, the happiness slowly came to a stop. For me, anyways. Colson, bless his heart, was blissfully ignorant to the comments his fanbase started to send me.

“yikes, he really downgraded huh?”

“how do you go from megan fox to...that?”

“guess mgk couldn’t keep up his streak of hot girlfriends”

Hate comes with fame, I knew that. I had my fair share of hate comments ever since the start. It was easy to ignore them when they were just a handful of hate comments here and there, but this was different. This was a bombardment of hate that was so heavy I could barley go online.

Colson was oblivious for a while, until he found out I had deleted all my social media accounts.

“Did you delete your Instagram babe?” he asked the minute he got home the day I had done it.

“Yeah,” I responded, nonchalantly. “I deleted all my social media.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “I just thought it’d be better for me mentally. They say being so attached to social media is bad for you or whatever.”

“But you weren’t even addicted to social media. You just liked sharing your memories - our memories.”

I shrugged again and turned back to my cooking. I wasn’t about to tell him his fans drove me off the internet. He loved his fans, I couldn’t fuck that up for him, even if what they were saying hurt me so much.

My back was to him as I cooked, so he couldn’t see my reaction when he asked, “Is it because people were comparing you to Megan?”

I froze completely. I could feel his eyes staring into the back of my head, but I just couldn’t convince myself to turn around to face him. I knew that if I did, I’d crack. I had gone too long pretending everything was okay, keeping this secret from Colson, to finally let it slip now. I just had to throw him off of his thought process.

“Where did you get that idea?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light.

He was next to me suddenly, holding his phone up so I could see it. On the screen was a picture of me at a red carpet just below a headline that read “(Y/F/N) deletes social media accounts amid hateful comments from boyfriend Machine Gun Kelly’s fans”.

I sighed in frustration. Of course the tabloid vultures had already written articles about it. I had only done it a few hours earlier, but they always had to be the first ones to write another story about me.

“I didn’t even know I was getting hate,” I said, trying to keep up the lie even though it was pretty obvious I had been found out. “I just decided to delete my accounts, it must be a coincidence.”

“Really? Because this article says you were receiving so much hate that you couldn’t even go into the comments on your pictures or replies on your tweets without seeing a mass amount of hate from my fans.”

I turned off the stove and turned around suddenly, abandoning my cooking completely as I quickly walked out of the kitchen and towards mine and Colson’s room. I felt a lump forming in my throat, and the last thing I wanted was for Colson to see me cry.

I wasn’t shocked to hear his footsteps coming after me. I forgot how much longer his legs were than mine, so it didn’t take long for him to catch up with me and stop me before I could get too far away. He took hold of my arm and turned me around to look at him. The moment my eyes landed on his face, it felt like someone had finally broke the dam holding back my tears.

Colson pulled me in for a hug and held me tightly as I sobbed into his chest. Every ounce of overwhelming feelings I had been bottling up for months was finally starting to come out, and I realized it was long overdue when I eventually began to grow tired from my crying.

I felt Colson pick me up and bring me to his bed. My eyes were starting to grow heavy despite how much I was fighting against them to stay awake. The minute my head hit the pillow, I was out like a light.

I wasn’t sure how long I was asleep, but it was obvious I had needed that rest, because when I woke up again I felt more well rested than I had in a long time.

I opened my eyes to find myself facing the window, which helped me to pinpoint that it was now nighttime as the sky was pitch black. I rolled over, expecting to find Colson asleep next to me only to find that I was alone in his bed. I was confused at first, forgetting the events that happened mere hours earlier.

I could hear a distant voice talking and was able to identify it as Colson’s. I got up from his bed and made my way towards the stairs, hearing it get louder as I stood at the top.

“I wish she would’ve told me,” he was saying. “I don’t know why she would’ve kept this a secret from me.”

“She didn’t want you upset with your fans,” came another voice. This one was distorted like it was coming from a phone. When she spoke again, I realized it was Megan’s voice. “And she’s stubborn. She was probably determined to deal with this by herself.”

“I just hate that she felt that way,” Colson sighed. “I don’t want her believing anything any of those people said to her, but I saw screenshots and fuck...they really did just bombard her with hate.”

“I know, but none of us could’ve predicted this. Your fans were so cool with us dating, I thought they’d love (Y/N) since we’re so similar.”

I sat down on the top of the stairs and peeked down enough that I could see Colson without him seeing me. He was laid out on the couch in just his sweat pants. In his hand he was holding his phone up, the other was slung over the back of his couch. I could see the guilt on his face, which broke my heart to see. I didn’t want Colson feeling guilty for something that was out of his control.

“You think what I posted will do anything?” he asked Megan.

“I don’t know. It’s hard to tell. When people want to hate, they just want to hate.”

Hearing that Colson had posted something made me curious. I felt around my pants for my phone, but realized I had probably left it in the room or downstairs somewhere. I was in too deep now to give myself away, but I really wanted to know what he had posted about the situation.

“Thanks for talking to me about this, Megan,” he said.

“Of course, Colson. Anytime.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Colson tossed his phone onto the coffee table and put his arm under his head. “Are you gonna come down babe?”

I wanted to ask how he knew I was there, but instead I stood from my spot and made my way down the stairs. When I entered the living room, Colson just looked up at me for a moment, almost expectantly. I smiled down at him and laid on top of him with my head on his chest. The arm that was over the back of the couch wrapped around me and he gently kissed the top of my head.

“How much did you hear?” he asked.

“Just the last bit,” I admitted. “Something about a post you made.”

Colson hummed, his chest vibrating underneath my ear as he did. “I wanted to address the issue, and I knew you wouldn’t let me do it if you were awake.”

“I still don’t like that you did it now,” I said, half joking. “Can I see the post?”

He moved his head to look down at me. “How do I know you’re not going to delete the post?”

“You don’t,” I responded. “You’ll just have to trust me.”

He smiled and reached over to grab his phone from the coffee table. He opened it and pulled up a post he had made on Instagram: it was your usual white background with text post you saw celebrities make from time to time.

It read:

“I love my fans so much. You guys are my EST family, and I’m so proud of this family that we have built over the last few years. However, it came to my attention today that some of you have been less than nice to my girlfriend to a point where she felt the need to delete her social media accounts. I will admit, I was oblivious to this at first as I am not one to go onto other people’s social media to read comments and replies, and (Y/N) kept this to herself instead of telling me about it. But now that I do know, I have to say I am beyond pissed. (Y/N) is the most beautiful girl I have ever met, inside and out. She is not Megan, and honestly - with all respect to Megan - I’m glad that she’s not. I love Megan as a friend, but truly that’s all she is to me. (Y/N) is my soulmate, the love of my life. These comparisons and jabs at her because she isn’t my ex are absolutely disgusting, especially coming from people who claim they love me as much as you guys do. Please learn how to treat the people in my life with love and respect, or else take my face out of your profile pictures and my name out of your usernames/bios as you are not a true fan of mine. From the bottom of my heart, fuck you to anyone that made my girlfriend feel like shit.”

I scrolled down to see the comments and saw that the top one was from Megan, and was already liked by Colson.

“(Y/N) is not my competition, nor is she my enemy. She is my friend and she has been since before Colson and I were ever together. The fact that people feel the need to pit two women against one another just because they both dated the same person is absolutely appalling to me. I’d like to emphasis Colson’s statement - fuck you to whoever hurt my friend.”

I handed Colson his phone back, not wanting to read any more. I could feel a lump in my throat again, but this one was from happiness. I felt so lucky to have two amazing people in my corner during a time that was otherwise very trying for me.

“I’m sorry I never told you,” I said as I rested against his chest again.

“You shouldn’t be sorry, (Y/N). I’m sorry this happened to you.”

“You don’t have any reason to be sorry either. You can’t control your fans.”

“Then neither of us will be sorry.”

I chuckled at this. For a moment we were both silent, the only sound being Colson’s heart beating under my ear. It was a soothing sound, and combined with his fingers tracing over my back, I was almost lulled back to sleep.

“I love you,” he mumbled against my hair.

I lifted my head to look at him. “What?”

“I said I love you.”

I was speechless. It was the first time he had seriously said those words and he had managed to shock me into silence with them.

He looked at me, his face slowly becoming concerned with my silence.

“I love you, too,” I finally managed.

A smile broke out across Colson’s face as he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly to him. For the rest of the night, he would whisper those three words to me randomly, and I would whisper back my response every time.

#machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly x reader #colson baker #colson baker imagine #colson baker x reader #mgk #est #imagine #one shot #request #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom

[flamingo-writes]

Okay so I heard you also write about dark themes (y/n has a stalker in this request certain parts don’t have to be described it can be as vague as you want it to be)

And I wanted to request a Draken x fem reader in which they broke up because she thinks he still has feelings for Emma and thinks he’s been cheating b/c he’s been really distant from her but in reality he really does love her yes he’s been thinking of Emma but now realizes his mistake, and one night as readers at home her stalker breaks in her house and forces himself on her but she tries to make an escape n call draken not realizing he’s coming over to try n talk with her but he realizes somethings wrong and comes in to save her after seeing her stalker have his way with her all he sees is red and almost kills the guy and when they get to the hospital they rekindle n get back together and draken promises to protect her from now on

Yes I do! Ah, I loved the amount if angst in this request, writing this was fun (I mean, not because of what happens, but because I enjoy writing complex emotions)

Pull Me Down — Draken x Reader

(Tittle inspired in the song How Not To Drown from Chvrches as the song helped me out a lot both lyrics and music wise to set a vibe while writing)

Word Count: 3.1K

Warnings: Non graphic depictions of rape (still somewhat described), stalking, violence, angst.

How long had it been? The last several days, maybe weeks, have all felt the same, looked the same...Has it been months now? Dull, empty, repetitive, sometimes feeling as if you weren’t awake at all and everything felt like a broken old tape, replaying the same greyscale routine with barely any sound, if anything, an annoying buzz in your ears. Barely any familiar faces remained in your life after you broke up with him. 

But, it was better this way, wasn’t it? Better being alone than being with the wrong people...wasn’t it? You were better off alone. 

Mitsuya had tried talking to you a couple of times. Possibly the only friend you had by this point, as everyone else seemed to fade away from your life as soon as you took him out of the equation. 

“You look skinnier” He pointed out as he held a paper bag in his hand. “Here” He said, stretching his hand, handing you the bag. “You need to eat” 

“What’s this?” You asked, trying to feign a smile as seeing Mitsuya hurt as much as seeing, hear or even think of Draken. After all, he had introduced you to Mitsuya. 

“Bento. I made it myself. Eat up” He said as he gave you a kind and warm smile, however, his eyes looked concerned. You knew he could look beyond your broken mask and see how you were not doing well. 

Barely sleeping, barely eating, you did the minimum effort in your classes in college, and avoided the street where his workshop was, as well as avoiding the places where he and his friends spent the most time in. However, Mitsuya always went out of his way to pay you a visit and check up on you. 

“Thanks…” You purred as you looked into his eyes. “I-I’ll...try…” 

“Hey, I’m worried about you” He said, his voice getting lower. “It’s been two months now...and you still look like shit” 

“Oh, shut up” You hissed annoyed as you crossed your arms. 

“It’s still affecting you” 

“You think?” You barked sarcastically as you raised an eyebrow. 

“Have you even been trying to get up on your feet? Or do you still want to lay at the bottom of your pit of misery?” Mitsuya said, hisnvoice getting slightly colder, as he hated seeing you too comfortable in your little pit of misery.

“Come on Mitsuya, I am...trying…” You growled. 

“Are you, really? I know you still love him, and I know you can’t let go of him…” his stare and voice softened as he saw the way your eyes got teary at his words.

You looked away, as a huge lump soon overtook your throat, making it hard to breath, to speak, even think. 

“What do you suggest I do, then?” Your voice broke at the end, as a few tears escaped your eyes, trying your best to keep your composure. 

“Talk to him” Mitsuya said calmly, as if it was the easiest thing to do. 

“Oh, fuck off” you laughed bitterly as turned around, ready to get back inside your apartment when Mitsuya held your arm gently. 

“I’m serious,” He said, whispering your name in a low voice. “Listen, don’t tell Draken I told you this, but he isn’t doing great either...He’s been overworking himself and avoiding talking about it even more than you are” He explained calmly as you looked at him. “Look, I get the reason why you broke up with him, but, can’t you see you’re still in love with him? Why break up with him if you were head over heels for him? And don’t bring up Emma, you know that’s bullshit” He said, perfectly reading your thoughts. 

“Are you done, Mitsuya?” you whispered, tears finally breaking free and falling down your cheeks as you moved your arm, and he let go of you.

“God, you’re just like him. If you talked about it, trust me, you’d feel even better...Go talk to him, stop being so stubborn” He said, staring at you, as you simply avoided looking at him as more and more tears welled in your eyes, blurring your sigh. 

--

“How did it go?” Mikey asked Mitsuya softly as they both looked at Draken too focused working on a bike. 

“God, for a second I thought it was going to be easier talking to her…” He replied in a low voice, slightly annoyed. 

“Kennchin wants to get back with her,” Mikey said looking at Mitsuya as he nodded softly. 

“Of course he does. She wants to as well, but she’s being stubborn…” Mitsuya said calmly. “Did he say something?”

“I asked him about her, he changed the topic right away, then I asked about Emma, he stayed silent...He still feels somewhat guilty for what happened to her, and apologized to me about ending things with her...He’s over Emma...But as soon as I even mention her name, he closes his fist and his knuckles turn white, he looks away, and changes the topic…He didn’t tell me, but I know he misses her...” Mikey explained as he looked at Draken.

Truth was, neither of them saw Draken like that before he met you. He was the calm, collected and always analyzing guy. He never acted impulsively, relying on his guts alone, he always had a plan. But when it came about you? You were his weakness. He acted without thinking when it came to you, he was spontaneous, and unpredictable. But only when he was with you. 

“Kennchin, Mitsuya’s here…” Mikey said standing up from his seat and walking towards him and the bike. “Let’s go grab lunch, yes?” 

“Almost done…” Draken answered as he was cleaning the pieces he had lying on the ground. 

--

After Draken was done, the three of them headed to a ramen place and had lunch. Mitsuya wanted to bring up the situation but found it hard. He didn’t want to upset Draken, but knew he was hurting as much as you were. Mitsuya’d been torn by the breakup of both his friends. He struggled with having to split his free time and be around both of them, since they both needed a friend more than ever. But he didn't want that to end. Especially Since he knew both sides of the story. And it all looked like a dumb break up that wasn't supposed to happen in the first place. 

“You went to her place earlier, didn’t you?” Draken asked out of the blue. 

“How did you…”

“You smell like her” He said cutting him off. 

Mitsuya looked at his jacket and grabbed the neck of it and smelled the fabric. After he had called you stubborn and that you reminded him of Draken, you broke down crying. He hugged you and you clung to him for your dear life. He looked at Draken as he stared blankly at his food, his hand shaking lightly. 

“Kennchin” Mikey began as he looked at him, noticing the way Draken had his jaw clenched at his eyes looked hollow. 

"You go often to see her, don't you? I can tell when you do...you always end up smelling like her…" 

"I check up on her every now and then...No-nothing happens, though...I just make sure she's fine…" Mitsuya explained, as he realized how bad it looked that he was smelling like her every time he went to see her. 

"I know...she's not like that...and I know you wouldn't mess with her either...I'm not mad at you" He said softly, as Mitsuya noticed what Mikey had said earlier. Draken was gripping his chop sticks too hard, his knuckles white. 

"What are you mad at, then?" Mikey broke the uncomfortable silence.

“I’ll go talk to her” Draken said as he continued eating. 

“A-are you?” Mitsuya stuttered.

“I’m tired of dreaming of her every night, and food always tasting like shit, I'm…" he stopped softly. "Dammit, I miss her…" he said letting go of his chops ticks and spoon and staring blankly at his barely touched ramen. "I really really do…" 

"When will you go talk to her?" Mikey asked. 

"Tonight" 

--

The night was quite cool, but the last days had been a torture with the awful heat. With all of your windows open, you were scrolling through your phone, not doing anything in particular. You looked at the bento boxes piled up messily waiting to be washed and returned to Mitsuya. You dreaded washing the dishes, as you grabbed your cup of coffee and gave it a sip. 

A shadow moving through the window caught your attention as you put your phone down and looked out into the backyard. The darkness swallowed the edge of your backyard, looking creepier than ever before as you wondered if it had been a raccoon or a cat. 

As Draken made his way to your place, he kept going on over what to say to you. He had a pretty vague idea of what to say. But where would he start? An apology? Straight out telling her he misses her? 

His thoughts were cut shirt when his phone began ringing in the pocket of his hoodie. He pulled his phone out, seeing your name shining in the screen. His heart skipped a beat as an unexplained happiness washed over him. He picked up almost immediately. 

"Hey, I was just about to call yo—"

"Ken, please help" A hideous whisper soon made his blood turn cold as your cry for help suddenly made his world spin far too fast for his liking. 

"Whats wrong?" He asked.

You soon broke down crying as he tried comforting you. 

"I'm so, so sorry, I didn't know who else to call...and you're in my speed dial…" you sobbed in a low voice. 

"Y/N, tell me, what's wrong? Are you alright?" He asked, his voice getting lower as his heart was beating strong in his head, almost giving him a headache. 

"Someone broke into my house, Ken. Please, I'm scared" you sobbed as his heart dropped to his stomach at the idea of you being in danger. 

"Shit. Okay, I'll call the police. Don't hang up, I'll be back with you as soon as I contact thr police" 

He soon started working on it. He put you on hold as he called the emergency number and explained the situation. He gave them your address as well as his name out of protocol. Once the person in the other end assured him the police were on his way, he quickly returned to his call with you. 

The horror he felt earlier was nothing compared to what he was about to experience. His heart stopped, his blood froze, he felt paralyzed by the sounds on the other end of the call, as he could only imagine what was happening. 

You were crying and gasping painfully, a rhythmic thud noise going over and over followed by the grunts of a male voice. Commanding you to be quiet and cooperate or else it'll hurt worse. 

Draken's mind went numb, and suddenly, everything he could see was red. He picked up quickly on what was going on, as the biggest feeling of impotence rushed through his body, warming up his blood. And soon, he was sprinting as fast as he could towards your place. 

Draken walked snuck into your backyard, his first instinct to sneak in and beat the shit of the intruder. However, he had no idea what he was about to walk into. 

The backyard door lead to the kitchen and as he stood on the other side of the glass sliding door, he saw it. His heart stopped and suddenly his heart was beating fast, his blood boiling, his stomach turned painfully as his ears began buzzing loudly. 

The way he was forcing on to you. The intruder had you leaning over the table, practically crushing you against it. Your face washed with horror, tears streaming down your eyes as you cried and whimpered useless pleads for him to leave you alone. The aggressive way in which he was pushing, torturing you as his eyes stared hungrily at you like a wild animal. Watching some random guy getting his way with the woman he loved made something in him snap.

Draken's world crumbled down the moment you spotted him from the other side of the door. Your eyes, hopeless, met him. As the pain in your face permeated into his own body

"Help me" you mouthed. 

He didn't hear you, but he could clearly read your lips. In a split of a second his heart was beating hard. 

Without realizing it, he sprinted towards the door, sliding it open and in a swift move, as your attacker looked up, Draken hit him on the neck with his forearm. 

Pushing him to the ground, your stalker fell on his bum as he coughed loudly. Draken didn't waste any time as he kicked him on the crotch and sat on top of him, beating his face over and over. The buzz still loud in his head as he hit him repeatedly. His anger driving him on and on as he couldn't think.

You slid to the floor, breaking down crying as you felt your legs and hips sore. Your mind was blank, as the recent memories kept rushing into your mind as you cried and sobbed, shaking. 

Your eyes slowly scanned the kitchen as they finally landed on Draken. He looked possessed as he kept beating the shit out of your stalker. 

"Ke-Ken…" you sobbed. 

It worked like an automatic button. Draken, upon hearing your voice, stopped at once. He got off your attacker and rushed towards you. He knelt by your side and hugged you tightly. Clinging to him, you cried out loudly. He squeezed you against him, in an attempt to comfort you as he ran his hand through your hair. 

As he pulled back from you, he looked at you. Your clothes torn, your shorts pooled by your ankles. And bruises. Many bruises all over your legs, arms, even your neck. 

Draken's eyes got tearful as seeing you in such a state. It pained him. How could he let something like this happen to you? He took off his hoodie and wrapped it around your shoulders. He kissed your forehead as your breath hitched.

"It's okay, baby" he whispered. "I'm here…" 

"Ple-please don't leave…" you sobbed, your shaky hand tugging on his white shirt as he looked at you. 

"I won't" he reassured you, as red and blue lights blinked from the window. 

The police kicked the door open and quickly spread around the house searching for anyone. Two officers walked inside the kitchen and saw the entire scene.  

--

Draken always hated hospitals. The wide white, silent, and odd smell of the waiting room. He disliked every bit of it. Even more now. As he was desperately waiting for any sign from you. He looked desperately at every doctor and nurse who walked out, hoping that any of you knew anything about you. 

After a nurse walked out, Draken quickly rushed to her side asking her about you. The nursed told him he could go inside and before she could say anything else, he was already in there, as his eyes desperately looked for you. 

He saw a doctor talking to you as you nodded. Your eyes still red, and your stare dissociated as you simply nodded like a broken robot. Draken rushed to your side, as he bowed politely to the doctor. 

"Ah, you're the boyfriend" he doctor said, as your first reaction was to cling to Draken and sob softly. 

Draken hugged you tightly, one of his hands going to your hair. He looked at the doctor without saying anything. 

"None of her injuries are critical. We will be running a few tests over the next few days to make sure she is alright with no STD's his attacker might have. She'll be prescribed a couple of medications for preventing measures only as well as some pain killers" 

Draken nodded as he kissed the top of your head. 

"May I have a word with you, sir?" Draken nodded at the doctor's request.

"I'll go talk to the doctor, love...I'll be back in a bit, yes?" He purred softly as your grip on his clothes tightened and pulled him closer as he tried to break the hug. "Hey, it'll be quick, okay? After I return, I'll stay with you for as long as you want, okay? I won't go anywhere without you…" he purred softly as he kissed your forehead. 

You nodded reluctantly as you let him go. He grabbed one of your hands and kissed her hand before going out of the ER with the doctor. 

"I'm so sorry about what happened" The Doctor began as Draken limited to look at him with a cold stare. "This is a tough situation. Not only on the physical aspect of it. These things take a huge toll in the victim, I suggest you contact a specialist that can help you two deal with what happened…" 

"We will" Draken answered softly as he felt his heart squeezing as the memories of seeing your stalker on top of you. 

"Its not necessary for her to stay over the night. But I'd like to see her tomorrow and three days from now as well, just to make sure everything is well and to keep running tests…" 

Draken nodded as he bowed once more thanking the doctor before heading back inside the ER towards your bed. 

His eyes teared up immediately at the sight of you. He approached you and slowly cupped your face in his big hands and brought you closer, kissing your forehead. 

"I'm so, so sorry, babe" he sobbed and pressed his forehead against yours. "This shouldn't have happened…I wasn't there to protect you" he whispered bitterly, mad at himself even when he, objectively, knew it wasn't his fault. His mind was desperately looking for someone to blame. 

"Ken" you cried softly as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer as he hugged you back. "Please don't leave. I'm scared…" 

"I won't, princess. I'll stay by your side. I'll keep you safe" he said as he pulled back slowly. "Let's go home…" he purred as you shook your head, whimpering.

"I don't want to go back there" you cried. 

"Let's go to my place then…" he whispered, wiping your tears away from your face. "I'm renting a small apartment above the shop...it's not that big but, we can both fit perfectly. I'll make us some dinner, you can take a bath in the meantime, and if you need anything whatsoever, I'll be a couple of steps away from you, okay?" He explained as you looked at him, nodding softly. He smiled, a lump on his throat and tears welling in his eyes as he leaned forward, kissing your forehead. "Lets go then" 

#tokyo revengers imagines #tokyo rev imagine #tokyo rev x reader #tokrev #tokyo revengers #draken #draken x you #draken x reader #ken ryuuguji imagines #ken ryuuguji x you

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Can I request HSP + depression reader (who thinks they are just weak and being crybaby) x Bucky, please? I understand you are super busy right now and I didn’t mean to rush you or anything but I'm just struggling with both HSP and depression and couldn’t help but send it right now. No need to hurry, just when you are free and maybe when you had nothing to write. Thank you and I love you!

Thank you for the request, I’m sorry it’s been a difficult time for you! I’m here if you need me and I hope that this helps!!! 

It’s called empathy

Bucky x reader

Word count: 1981

Warnings: depression, HSP (highly sensitive person), low self worth, negative self talk, swearing (that’s normal for me but this one’s a little extra), angst (more so internal idk if that needs a warning), fluff/comfort

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @babydaddy-buckybarnes @barnesplums @peggycarter-steverogers @mardema @abitgryffindorky @buckys-blue-eyes @strawberrimae @thatfangirl42 @freigeistundanderes @bucks-bunny @broadwaybabe18 @im-sick-of-failing

Taglist     Masterlist

--------------

Breathe in

Breathe out

In 

Out 

...in…

You felt a tear escape your eyes

Goddamn it

You didn’t want to cry, you couldn’t let yourself. It was stupid, it was just some shitty remark from someone when they were in a shitty mood, it wasn’t your fault, all that bullshit you tried to tell yourself. It never worked.

You were trying to control your breathing, looking up at the ceiling trying to will the tears away, biting your lip. You would not cry, not over this. Not over something that wasn’t worth your tears

Not when you didn’t even know what exactly you were crying over. 

Yet here you were, gripping the edge of the bathroom sink with white knuckles, looking up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears at bay. And it wasn’t working.

Weak sensitive piece of shit. 

What good were you to the team if you cry in the bathroom like a baby every time something remotely stressful happens? People usually cry when they're in pain or when they’re grieving - the only excuse you had was you were stressed or sad. 

You felt another few tears escape and you angrily swiped them away, cursing yourself for being so weak. 

You hated this, you hated yourself. You were so numb most of the time, especially when you were alone. You found yourself alone in your room with racing thoughts feeling like you were falling apart. Yet when you were alone you could only stare at the ceiling wondering if it would get any worse. 

The answer was usually yes.

Whenever you would go on missions with the team, you were able to push aside your stress. You had a job to do and you would do it. But when the mission was over and you were walking back through the rubble - seeing all the blood, destruction, fear - then it would start to get to you. You would panic, you would feel tears cloud your vision. Tears for those you were leaving behind, and those who had nowhere to go, those who lost someone. That was understandable. 

It seemed to affect you more than the others though. It was understandable to be moved by so much destruction. But for you everyone felt like someone you had known and loved. 

You could feel the grief in those left behind, feel the sadness and pain that they were going through. 

The same was true when you weren’t on missions. When those who were on them would come back. Whether they were injured or their eyes were saddened - you knew when a mission was rough. You would listen, you would be there for people. It was easy to talk to you, and you were very wise. 

But it still overwhelmed you. You couldn’t say no, you didn’t want to. You wanted to help but it would be so emotionally taxing for you. So behind closed doors, you would break. Be there for others, listen when they need to talk, others come first - you took their emotional pain onto yourself. 

You were grateful that you could help - but in the process it was hurting you. 

You allowed yourself to feel sad when you were alone in your room. No one could see you be weak in the dark of your room. But you never cried much just from the pure exhaustion of your thoughts. Sometimes you wanted to, just feeling so incredibly empty that you just wanted to have an ugly crying session curled up in bed.

But you didn’t get to make that choice.

The crying wouldn’t come until the absolute worst times. If you had messed up on a mission, if Tony said something a little too harshly because to him everything was a joke, seeing something gruesome on a mission- whenever it came to someone else getting involved, the tears would come. Hell sometimes even being overwhelmed in public would be enough to start the waterworks. 

You always felt so fucking weak for it. The slightest environmental stressor could stress you out too much and move you to tears. You had no reason to be upset most of the time. But you would get angry at yourself for being upset, which would make you more upset that you couldn’t control it, making it harder to control.

It was a vicious cycle.

Lately it had been popping up more and more recently. Smaller things were upsetting you more than usual. You were becoming more sensitive to external stimuli and as a result, you spent as much time as you could in your room. You were embarrassed by yourself. Both by your emotions and by your inability to control them. 

This time you were just upset that you were upset. It had been a long night the day prior, just a lot of paperwork to do. There had been a mission earlier this week that you hadn’t been assigned to, but it had been brutal for everyone who had gone. So far today had been a normal day by anyone’s terms, an emotionally exhausting one for you. One of those where you woke up tired and the thoughts of another day were enough to draw you to tears. Nothing had even happened, but apparently nothing needed to happen. 

Your emotions came and went without your consent. 

You knew deep down it was probably some sort of emotional build up - that whole quote about bottling things up until they got to be too much - it happened every time but you still thought you could handle yourself better than that. You didn’t want to vent or be a problem to anyone. But when you are the emotional support for most of the team and you haven’t been able to get enough sleep or take time for yourself - you didn’t have much of a say as to when the bottle overflows.

A few more tears fell and you slammed your hand on the counter, wiping your tears angrily once more. “God fucking damn it why can’t you just stop fucking crying!” you exclaimed, feeling a few more tears falling “Weak piece of shit!” 

There was knocking on the door, pulling you out of your self deprecating thoughts. You gasped lightly, wiping your face again. 

Knock knock

You jumped a little, gasping slightly. No one was supposed to be here, it was the middle of the night. 

“Y/n? What’s going on in there? Are you alright?”

You took a shaky breath. Of course it would be Bucky who heard you. Why would it be anyone else?

“I’m fine Bucky, it’s late, you should go to sleep.”

“Then why are you still awake?” Bucky responded. You heard him sigh a little outside the door. “Come out here and tell me you’re okay.”

“Really Bucky?”

“Unless you want me to come in there, but I don’t think Stark would appreciate me breaking your door.”

You took a small breath and walked over to the door, opening it. You crossed your arms and met Bucky’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine, Bucky.”

Bucky sighed, taking in your appearance. Red eyes, flushed face, your hair was messy - you were definitely crying. He hated when you wouldn’t admit that you weren’t ok. “You know you don’t have to be, right?”

You clenched your jaw, trying to keep fresh tears from clouding your vision. “What?”

“You say you’re fine, you always say that you’re fine until you break. I heard you crying, I can see that you’re not feeling okay yet still you try to keep a brave face. And I just want you to know that you don’t have to always be okay.”

You let out a breath. “I - i…” you looked down and shook your head, lost for words. 

“Y/n, I’m not here to judge you. Can you try to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” you said looking up at him “It’s literally so stupid, Bucky.”

“Y/n, nothing you say right now is going to sound stupid. 

You shrugged your shoulders, still not quite meeting his eyes. “I don’t know, I just get so worked up sometimes, but it’s stupid. I tell myself I’m not going to be bothered and then I freak out again. The smallest things bother me and I get stressed out and then I cry like some stupid weak bitch. People have it worse than me, God, you have it worse than me. Everyone here has some sort of traumatic awful thing happen to them and then there’s me and I get sad because I see other people sad,” you were crying again and you wiped at your face, covering your eyes. “God Im so fucking stupid I -”

Bucky pulled you into his chest as you let out a sob. “You’re not stupid, y/n.”

“YES I AM. I get worked up over the smallest shit, I don’t listen when people tell me to take breaks, I take everything too personally and I can’t stop fucking crying when I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong!” you exclaimed, trying to push yourself away, ashamed.

Bucky held you tightly, not letting you go. “That’s not your fault. It’s not up to you how your feelings show up.”

“But I cry at the most stupid shit and I can’t control it.”

“You’re not supposed to know how to control it,” he said, pulling back to look at you. “Emotions can’t be controlled. They just happen and it’s rarely convenient.”

“Then why do I feel so weak? If this,” you gestured to yourself “is so goddamn normal then why isn’t everyone else breaking down every other day?” 

Bucky brushed some hair out of your face. “Your emotions are yours, no one else’s. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Think of it this way - you can’t expect everyone to have the same amount of strength or stamina - no one has the same emotional response either. And that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you you.”

You shook your head. “I just feel so weak all the time.” 

“And I’m here to remind you that crying isn’t weak. You are not a weak person, you are not a bad person, you’re not any of those things your mind tells you. You’re a kind and thoughtful person. You put your heart into everything you do. You help everyone you can. Mourning someone else’s loss isn’t weakness. It’s called empathy.”

You took a small breath. “Then why does it hurt so goddamn much?”

“”I don’t know. And I can’t say for certain that you won’t always feel that way. But I know I can tell you that you aren’t weak, and I’ll be here every time you feel that you are.” 

You nodded your head slightly. “You don’t think I’m weak?” you asked quietly.

He pulled you back into a hug. “Not in the slightest, y/n.”

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes comfort #comfort #fanfiction #MCU #MCU fanfiction #MCU fic #marvel #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #writingrequests #bucky #james buchanan barnes #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky barns x y/n #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes imagine

[oopsimbug]

in which... y/n is just trying to put on eyeliner and harry is bored pt. two

a/n: when she’s back from a six month hiatus after making only ONE fic. wow, do i suck. for anyone who cares, school has been pretty rough. i’m actually procrastinating studying for an exam to finally upload this. it’s been pretty hard to balance both school and writing but oh well. anywho, here it finally is. it took so long to write because i wasn’t feeling very inspired by this. a lot of people asked for a part two and even though i kinda wanted to leave it on a sad note, i am a sucker for giving the people what they want, so sorry if this is a bit shit- i definitely don’t like this one myself. i guess i’m not one for fluffy endings. well, at least for this one i wasn’t. i really hope you enjoy it! more stuff to come, if school doesn’t mind fucking off for a little while (or maybe just forever?) xox -(a) bug

pairing: best friend! harry styles x reader

summary: Harry is worried about Y/n. Y/n is worried about Harry. Harry is solving it by thinking of ways to check on her, while Y/n uses cheesy pasta and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air as an excuse to not think. But what will happen when someone is at her door, and it’s not her delivery man?

warnings: angst, swearing, y/n and harry being idiotos, fluffy end, kissing

word count: 5.3k

It had been a week.

One gruelling, painfully long week.

Harry was biting his nails, staring up at the ceiling as he laid in his bed, worrying about her.

About how he fucked up.

He didn’t think that she would be upset for this long. He thought she would scream at him and then text him the following day, wanting to hang out- a silent “I forgive you”, he supposed.

But after two days of radio silence on her end, he decided to call her. The only problem was that her last words to him were “leave”. She wanted space. She needed to think things through- what things? Harry had no clue. But he had to respect her and her choice to not want him around. So with that, he put down the phone.

But a small part of him (okay fine, a big part of him), wanted her to just show up at his house so they could cuddle again, talking about the stupidest of things while they made cupcakes in his kitchen. They would be listening to groovy music and now and then, they’d stop mixing bowls and sifting flour to dance- well, they were horrible dancers, so more so just wave their hands, hips and shoulders around. It would be fun and would always end up with them laughing at one another. He would lick the batter and she would berate him, telling him that “one of these days, you are going to get salmonella and I’ll just laugh at your stupid ass” and he would retort with something witty and a bit flirty like “don’t worry darling, we both know you would be right at my side if I got sick. I know you can’t stand being apart from me” with a wink and a cheeky smirk. He just wants to see her in her oversized Space Jam hoodie and little basketball shorts. Or her short flower shirt and his sweatpants that she has to cuff at the bottoms because they’re too long. Or even-

He’s gotta stop thinking about her, or his brain will soon explode. But he just can’t stop. He tries to think of the happier moments, like her showing him a tour of her very healthy houseplants that she prides herself in, but every time he closes his eyes, all he can see is her teary face telling him to leave. So no, if he was given the choice to think of her flailing her arms around in his kitchen to dancehall tunes while making sweet treats or crying at something that he provoked, you bet your ass he’d choose the former.

But after the seventh day, he knew that something wasn’t right. This was too much “thinking time”. For all he knew, she could be fine, but she could also be positively bawling. She could be living for this free time, but she also could be waiting for him to make the first move. She could be wanting Harry out of her life for her benefit forever, but she also could be feeling lonely and counting the seconds for their makeup, just like he was.

That was it. He had to go see her and make sure his best friend was okay.

He practised what he was going to say to her in his car on the way to her apartment. “Y/n, I’m so sorry for how I acted. I didn’t stop to think about how you were feeling and didn’t take your emotions into account which was unbelievably wrong of me. I’m truly sorry. It’s just that I really care about you and you’re my best friend and I can’t see you choose a tinder fuck over me and if I saw him in the street I would knock his lights out and I just want to kiss you, can I kiss you, oh god please let me kiss you I just want to-“

Fuck, what was wrong with him? Why was he so upset? He had been on plenty of dates with other celebrities and models and she was always on the sidelines, cheering him on. So why was he getting so touchy-feely about a single tinder date? Maybe he was just in desperate need of attention. He hadn’t had a girlfriend for almost one year and casual fuck arounds also stopped about four months ago, so maybe he just needed to fuck someone quick. That would explain why he sees his best friend’s kindness and natural flirty nature as something more romantic. Every laugh at his jokes, every look in her eyes, every graze of her hand on his thighs as she leans over him to get her drink on the side table next to him, he becomes more switched on and awake. She leaves him feeling giddy and excited at every conversation. “This can’t just be because I’m horny right?” he cannot believe he would ever be that horny. What the hell was he going to do?

*

This is pathetic she thought.

I’m pathetic.

She let out a huge sigh before shoving another forkful of cheesy pasta into her mouth.

What am I doing?

The answer?

Eating carbs upon carbs upon carbs, lounging on her comfy sofa in the most comfortable, yet daggiest pair of pyjamas ever while watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air for the fiftieth time, actively avoiding all commitments, housework and jobs that involve moving further than to the kitchen, which even then was an embarrassingly burdening trek on its own.

But she let it slide. How could she not? She was upset and this was how she coped. That’s what she kept reminding herself as she boiled more and more pasta watching the days pass her by without realisation, but now, she’s beginning to question if this was the best idea. Pushing all thoughts of him out of her mind by not looking at her phone just in case he called or texted. But she was beginning to struggle.

It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know what inner turmoil she was facing. He seemed genuinely hurt when she snapped at him. He truly didn’t understand why she took so much offence to the playground ribbing, it seemed. And she had to go be a dick and ignore him. He was probably worried sick. How many times would he have called to check up on her? 10? 15? The more she thought about it, the more she wanted this stupid feud to be over and just be in his arms again, even if it’s just as a friend. So she caved. Turned on her phone, expecting there to be at least a call or a text asking if she was still alive or not. And although she did receive a message of that likeness, it wasn’t from Harry, no. It was from her daily water tracking app, pleading her to fill in her daily intake of water so as to not die of dehydration after she was suspected to have not drunk any for the entire week when in reality, she was just too in her head to open her stupid phone and log her water.

Wow, she thought.

Now not only has Harry chosen to not speak to you, but you also look like a huge idiot right now. Of course, he wouldn’t want to talk to you! You got pissed at him for absolutely no reason and now he hates you. He’s gonna ask for his cardigan and track pants that he keeps at your house in case he wanted to sleepover. He’s going to take back all of his little knick-knacks that he leaves over, like the cute diffuser that he leaves because he knows you need it for your constant hay-fever that blocks your nose and then he’s going to declare that you aren’t friends anymore and then you will never get the chance to tell him how you feel and then-

Her panicky brooding is interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Who the hell could that be?”, she thinks. It was too late for it to be the postman with her package containing her entire Amazon wish list that she bought on the third day of mourning to make herself feel better. But it couldn’t be Mrs Xiao asking her if she had any holes in her shirts that needed stitching. The sweet old lady fell asleep at 8:37 pm sharp after her medicine that she’d take at 8:30 pm would kick in (which she learnt after spending nights over at her apartment where her niece, Mei, took care of her. Y/n would learn traditional recipes like baozi and watch movies with her two friends all the time). It couldn’t be Mei either, she was always in online uni lectures from 8:30-10:30 pm, locked away in her little study, so as to not bother or be bothered. So now, a little panicked, Y/n wondered who was truly at her door?

Another two knocks come, echoing off the walls of her little apartment as she turns down the volume of the program she was watching. She stares at the door from her couch, debating whether she should risk getting stabbed by a possible murderer or not, before ultimately deciding that life was too short. She was also getting sick and tired of the knocks that kept arriving in threes. She swings her legs off the couch and onto the floor, pushing them into her slippers so that her feet wouldn’t touch the cold floor, waddling her way to the door before shyly opening it, peeking at who it could be through the tiny crack in the opening, hoping whoever it was wouldn’t mind her current state: belly filled with pasta, hair knotty, giant shirt with sweatpants on and Harry’s patchwork cardigan hanging off her shoulders- which she had been wearing all day, cherishing the pretty piece of clothing and his scent imbedded in it, taking it all in just in case he asks for it back. She peeps at the torso of this mystery person, realising that Harry owns the jumper worn by them, before looking up and locking eyes with a worn out and tired eyed Harry, one hand in the pocket of the familiar hoodie and another extended out near the door, ready to knock again before freezing when it opens up all the way to show herself to her best friend. He doesn’t eye her up and down cheekily like he normally does when she is wearing pyjamas, wolf-whistling at her relaxed state, claiming that “You look runway-ready, my love! Do a twirl for the crowd, will you?”. Instead, he stares her right in the eyes with what looks like almost relief, before smiling a weak and broken smile.

One of them needed to break the silence or both would have just stared at each other in her doorway until the world exploded. So she starts.

“Hi.” her voice hovers a tinge above a whisper, almost as though if she dared to speak louder, this probable illusion of the one she loves would fade away. He lights up a little bit, probably relieved that she started the conversation.

“Hey,” his soft voice matched her volume and tone as if he too didn’t want this to be a dream. “May I come in?” The words sound awkward to her coming out of his mouth. Harry never had to ask for permission to be invited in- he usually just strolled in without so much as a holler to indicate he was present, finding amusement in scaring her instead while she was doing whatever she was doing, whether that be reading, watching a movie, cooking or napping. They were the best of friends and never had to inquire about entry to each other’s domains, along with other small things like if they had anything in their kitchens to eat or if they could sit somewhere, so hearing it was a little disheartening and provoked Y/n to think about how serious this situation was.

“Okay”, she replied after the pause of contemplation, opening the door fully so that the lanky boy could follow along behind her, like a little puppy. She didn’t like how awkward the situation was. She just wanted things to go back to what they were.

But then you wouldn’t be able to tell him you love him... her inner voice argued. And she agreed. She knew that yes, this will be awkward, but it’s an opportunity for him to listen to her and know that she isn’t joking.

“Would you like some tea?” She enquires. They’ll need to handle this like proper grown-ups (which in all honesty, isn’t their dynamic- it’s more like first-year uni students who are mature enough to have deep conversations but still laugh at dad jokes and anything remotely serious, like a painting with boobs), and from what she knows, or has seen in movies when the characters are being serious, is that you need tea or a drink of that sort and a sit down on the couch where you talk stuff out. So that’s exactly what she does.

“Yes please,” Harry’s soft voice replies as he toes off his boots that most definitely cost more than her apartment. Y/n nods and heads to the small kitchenette and flips the switch on the electric kettle before going into her cupboard that housed the mugs. Harry stood awkwardly near the sofas, and to save him the embarrassment of waiting while standing, Y/n invites him to sit with a small, “You can take a seat,” and a quick glance at him before returning her gaze to the mugs to make herself look busy. She didn’t want to look him in the eyes for more than three seconds in fear of bursting into tears and the worn out and tired sight of him. She shakes the thought out of her head and begins to prepare the mugs.

Y/n put two teabags in her mug while putting one in Harry’s. She was raised in a household of avid tea drinkers and she inherited her strong tea quirk from her father who would always keep two teabags with only a dash of milk, and the only difference between her tea and her fathers was that Y/n wasn’t strong enough to take her tea without sugar, unlike her father, who thought that drinking unbelievably concentrated leaf juice with milk was a fun and relaxing time. On the other hand, Harry liked to keep one tea bag in his mug while he drank it, but just like her father, he too took little to no sugar with his cup, being the health freak he was. And early in their friendship, when she mentioned it to him, Harry chuckled and chirped, “Your father is a smart man. He has to be for raising amazing and talented people like your siblings. I’m not sure what went wrong with you though...” while booping her nose as they laid together under a tree for a little picnic. And though she rolled her eyes at him and punched his shoulder for the sly dig at her, she was practically beaming at the fact that he thought her family was smart. Harry had no idea how much that meant to her. Y/n loved her entire family, and she was unbelievably close to them, so it made her entire week to know that Harry, someone she respected and loved so much, recognised how talented and smart each of her family members were. Don’t get her wrong, she didn’t need the validation to know that her family was amazing, but she felt so special knowing he took the time to notice. He did that a lot though. Doing things that meant a lot to her without batting an eye. Saying things that only a person as observant as he could notice, like complimenting her eye colour in the light and asking her to read for him because he constantly mentions how much he loves her voice.

Y/n looked over to the same sweet guy she fell head over heels for, who was sitting on her couch, fidgety as ever, and wondered if they would ever be the same after the very next moments to come. She didn’t want things to change between them, but she was dying inside knowing that he wasn’t hers. And getting over him was not in the question, after the fiasco that happened last week. She just wished she could get inside his head to sate her painful curiosity.

What is he thinking about?

**

What is she thinking about?

It’s the million-dollar question running through his mind. What was she pondering over as she made them tea? Did she want to talk to him? Was she mad that it took him so long to find the balls to face her? Was she as nervous as he was? Was she worried that they would never be the same again like he was?

He was going into panic mode, questioning everything, while probably looking stupid as ever. As much as he regretted how awkward things were now, and the fact that he instigated her to lash out at him a week ago, he was realising that he was not regretting the fact that he did it. He didn’t want her to go out with someone else, and she didn’t. And yes, of course, he feels bad-beyond bad, in fact- for making her cry, and wishes he could take it all back, he also sees this as an opportunity to tell her how he feels about her. He could finally tell her that he thinks about her all the time. About her soft smile, her bright eyes, her melodic laugh, her speaking voice that brings butterflies to his stomach. He could tell her about how he loses himself at work, the grocery store, fuck- even at events- thinking about what she was doing at her house. Was she under her blankets on her couch, watching some corny tv show? Was she baking her signature choc chip cookies that taste like the gods blessed every single biscuit on the tray before they were put in the oven? Was she knitting her cat, Chesnut, another rug to plonk herself down on, with her feet up on the ottoman as she listened to the 7 o’clock news on the radio? Was she writing a paper for another deadline? Something so sophisticated, like the exploration of white and male privilege and how it is ingrained in our society? Something that Harry tried to understand and research so that he could stay in the loop with his smart girl’s interests, but he always struggled with.

It was a huge insecurity of his. Not that his best friend was smarter than he was, no way. He treasured the fact that she could and would whip his ass at a debate on things like the state of the world, or human rights. She could school him on global politics, languages, maths, science, history and literally anything else, and he would be cheering her on. What he was insecure about was her realising that he was probably slowing her down in life. Y/n was well within her rights to kick him out of her life for being nothing but a freeloader and stopping her from reaching her full potential, what with him constantly stopping her from her own life to help him go through shit happening in his. Whenever he was sad, or confused, or upset, Y/n was the first person he would talk to and he feared that she would realise that he was probably taking advantage of her and stop talking to him. And that scared him. It scared him because he knew that she didn't need him at all, but he needed her to do anything in life. Every major and minor decision in his life has been approved by Y/n first, and not because she was a controlling friend who didn’t trust him with his own life, but because Harry needed her validation. Harry Styles, a world-famous superstar, had girls, guys and non-binaries at his feet, following his every beck and call. Harry Styles, who was on the cover of every magazine, known by every celebrity, dated only the most perfect of women, required validation from Y/n, a psychology major at a small university. Y/n, who liked to plan her day out on a to-do list, end up not doing anything on that to-do list and cry about it afterwards. Y/n, who breaks it down to “Murder She Wrote” by Chaka Demus & Pliers like it’s her last 4 minutes and 5 seconds alive on this Earth while making pancakes. Y/n, who cries more when she’s laughing while watching Tik Toks than she does during sad movies.

To celebrities, Y/n was nothing but a regular. But to Harry, she was all. She was the warmth of a sweater that you toss in the dryer for a few minutes to make it extra toasty. She was the pad of butter that you spread onto your pumpkin sourdough toast and it ends up being exactly the amount you wanted. She was the feeling when you are driving home from a long day of interviews and premiers, and you’re on the freeway and the windows down and you just… exist. She is the feeling you get when you watch Pride and Prejudice, and the relief of when you find the perfect word to end a lyric. She is when your shoes fit perfectly, and when you finish a book so utterly fulfilling that you lie there in a trance, looking up at your ceiling at 3 am, wondering how you could have been so lucky to be able to be blessed with an ending like the one you just read. Y/n was all those things and more.

And that’s why he had to tell her he loved her. No matter how scared he was.

***

The electric kettle is finished boiling the tea all too quickly as the bubbling comes to an end and the distinct click of the switch turning back off echoes around the silent apartment. Y/n had poured the scalding hot water into the two cups she had prepared stared into them.

It was time. She had tried to avoid this for as long as possible, but now it was the moment to face the music. She picked up the two mugs of tea and brought them to her lounge where Harry was sitting on her worn in green sofa, staring at her coffee table, eyebrows scrunched, pouted lips, deep in thought, before looking up at her with wide green eyes, and followed her to where she stood in front of him. She passed his mug to him before sitting on the comfy chair a few feet away from the sofa and from him, putting some distance in between them for her sake, so that she wouldn’t try to hug him and say sorry without saying what she needed to say first. Which she needed to start talking about now, so as not to sit in the awkward silence created by the two.

Say something!!

“So…’

Jesus fuck…. was that all you could think of? Wow. I am going to lose my best friend.

Y/n was choking.

“I am so sorry,” Harry’s voice intercepts, raspy from the lack of use, looking up from the coffee table he seemed so interested in. “I am so fucking sorry Y/n. I have no excuse as to why I was making fun of you that day. I pushed too far and I am a shit friend for not noticing that you were already on edge. It was so wrong of me and I am so sorry.” He stopped himself before he started to ramble, looking at her with eyes filled with an emotion she couldn’t decipher.

Y/n felt… unsatisfied. Why did she feel this way? He apologised, right? So why does she feel unfulfilled? Why does she want him to say more? He hit all of the points he had to for a standard apology, so why did she think he hadn’t done enough? Was it that little optimist in her brain hoping he would maybe reveal a slight attraction to her? Maybe tell her that he loves her, and has loved her forever and ever? Confess that she has bewitched him, body and soul so that she didn’t have to? God, was she an idiot. But a lovestruck idiot at that. She bites her tongue and replies.

“Harry, I forgive you. Although you were annoying as ever,” She rolls her eyes and smirks, while he lets out a breathy, half-assed chuckle, showing his acknowledgement at her attempt to ease the lowered yet still prevalent tension. She continues. “ I understand that you were just trying to have fun. I guess I was the one who irrationally lashed out . I am always okay with you poking fun at me, but I was just frustrated and tired and I took it out on you. I’m sorry for the improper communication and I’m sorry for pushing you away when we should’ve just talked…”

“I forgive you too. I think this was just miscommunication on both parts.” He stared into her eyes, almost as if he could sense the discontent in her, but chose to ignore it.

“I guess so.” She halfheartedly answered, not really knowing where to take the conversation next. They had both apologised, but evidently still had things to say. Well, Y/n had things to say, that’s for sure, but she was pretty sure that Harry wanted to say something too. He had that look on his face where he wanted to say something but was forcing himself not to.

What does he want to say? Why can’t he say it to my face? I mean, sure, I’m also hiding shit I wanna say, but I have an excuse. This could ruin our friendship. What does he have to say?

“Great,” Harry replies, trying to fill the awkward pauses and conversation that is being held. He still looked like he had something to say, but seemed like he was not budging.

Well, if he’s not saying anything, I’m not either. Why do I have to confess my feelings and put our friendship on the line if he isn’t even going to say what’s on his mind?

“So, are we good?”

“I don’t know. Are we? I mean, I forgive you and you forgive me, right?”

“Right… No yeah, we’re alright. We’re completely fine!” Y/n replies quickly. Why the fuck would you say that? You’re not fine.

There is a pregnant pause and Y/n has half a better mind to just get up, walk to the bathroom again with her head down and lock herself in there till he leaves again, because she cannot take this awkward conversation. Not with him. She shifts, ready to stand up to get some water, when Harry looks at her, confusion and slight panic setting into his face.

“Wait. I don’t think I’m fine…” She looks up at the boy sitting in front of her, reading the words from her mind like they were scribed on a piece of paper in the blackest of ink, permanent and bold. Her heart stuttered. What else did he want?

“Is everything okay, H?” she tentatively asks. He loses eye contact with her, gaze lowering towards the table in front of him

“I-” he pauses, trying to collect his thoughts while simultaneously trying to explain to her why he wasn’t okay. “I just- fuck” his head falls down, his face inches away from the hot tea in his hands, the humid steam billowing out of the mug and warming his elegant face as he takes a deep breath and tries once more to convey his thoughts. “I don’t want us to be friends again.”

Her heart stops. This could go one of two ways. He could either be confessing his hatred or his adoration for her, and either one would probably end with her imploding. She tries to take a neutral tone when she replies.

“What does that mean, H?”

He looks at her once more. “It’s not enough, Y/n... “

“What?” She is confused. Her friendship isn’t enough? How is she supposed to reply to that?

“I want more. I don’t want us to just be friends. I want to be more with you. I want to do more with you. I want to do things that friends… they shouldn’t do together…”

Is he trying to confess he likes her? Why, in all the ways you could speak, would he choose to speak like that?! She has had enough of him dawdling around his feelings. “Harry, stop being cryptic and fucking tell me what’s going on?!”

“I love you, Y/n! I fucking love you, Y/n. So much. And it is eating me from the inside out. I hate that we can’t be normal anymore, and I hate that you don’t love me the way I love you, but I cannot sit here and pretend everything is fine, because I love you.”

Y/n is stunned. Frozen in her spot. Can’t move, can’t speak, can’t breathe. Stuck in space, and stuck in time.

Holy fucking shit… he loves me…

While Y/n processes the life changing knowledge that her best friend loves her, her best friend conveniently sits next to her, wishing that he was dead for the letdown he was about to receive.

“Say something… please, for the love of God, say something!”

****

She looks up at Harry. Not Harry Styles, playboy, whore, singer, millionaire, but instead; Harry, her best friend of five years, reddened face out of embarrassment. She sees the mortality in his eyes. Feels his presence so heavily in the moment. She is in awe. True awe of him, and his ability to love her. And with that awe- and that stupid look on her face, she reaches up and cradles his face in her hands, brushing her thumbs softly over his plush pink lips. He stands just as still as her, barely breathing, as if it would shatter the fantasy to stardust and he would wake up in his bed, cold shivers running down his spine, as has happened previously whenever he thought of this moment, staring up at his ceiling at 3:40AM wondering why he thought of his best friend in such a way. She creeped closer to his face before stopping a breath away from him, and whispered.

“Is this okay?”

She looked into his eyes, and he looked into hers, both never feeling so alive before. He wishes to tell her that she needn’t ask for his permission, and that he wants to kiss her forever. Eternally locked in an embrace that holds their souls together. But all he can muster is a weak and broken whisper back.

“Please,”

She can hold it for no longer, and leans in the rest of the way, their lips moulding together, for the very first time, eyes fluttering close, as his hands reach to grab her by the hips to straddle him, deepening the kiss even further. And when they part for breath, panting for air with slightly moist lips, they touch foreheads, eyes still closed. Words needn’t be exchanged- everything that yearned to be said was useless, as it could never describe how they truly felt for each other. So hopelessly besotted with one another, that all they could do was breathe together before kissing once more, hoping that their actions could provide even an iota of an idea of how much they love one another.

Two best friends, turned lovers forevermore.

#by bug #harry styles angst #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles imagine #harry styles #harry styles fluff #hope you have a wonderful day my little pots of sweet tea!

[minshookie]

Late night hookup

| Yoongi |

Warning! || 18+ smutty smut smut, fuckboy!yoongi, unprotected sex, oral fem receiving, cum eating, fem masturbation, rough sex, vocal Yoongi 🤤

[ jin • Yoongi • Hoseok • Joon • Jimin • Taehyung • Jungkook ]

You’d opened his contact for the 14th time in the past hour, down bad was an understatement for you at the moment.

It’s the fact that you knew he was in town, it’s also the fact that he chose to ignore you that made you upset, yet you yearned for his harsh touch.

Text first maybe? You put your phone to rest, your independence wouldn’t dare let you give into the temptation, if he wanted you he’d be here. And you’d ignore him until he made up his mind.

One thing that wouldn’t be ignored though, is the ache settling in your core, rolling onto your back bringing your thighs together to apply pressure to no avail. He’s never there when he’s needed.

Separating, you let your fingertips massage over the dampened fabric finding the lazy ovals you were accomplishing pleasurable. Just before you could indulge your phone chimed.

“You awake?”

You could scream in happiness! Your late horny wishes have been heard.

“Yeah, welcome back in town, how are you!”

“Excited to see me? You’re horny huh?”

Once an ass always an ass, he’d beat around the bush until all the leaves fell off before he’d give a straight answer.

“Yeah, get over here.”

“Get some help y/n,I’d think that you’d find someone new already.”

“Are you coming to fuck me, or can i continue to finger myself...you interrupted me.”

“Impatient little thing you are, sure continue, but open the door when I get there.”

Tossing the phone to the corner of your bed you rolled off changing shirts to look sightly presentable.

Skipping like and lovesick schoolgirl you cleaned the living room like he’d even notice the scatter of classwork and pillows if you’d left it. Setting drinks up on the table you anticipated your 2 AM date.

His knock undeniable, you pranced to the door pulling it open letting in the dusk breeze, “hey, you look different.” you looked his stature up and down, “and you look tired.” He quips pulling you into him his chilled hand wrapped around you neck. Kissing you, his taste never changed liquor and mint, he explored you like he’s been hungry for you. “Still don’t know how to kiss? Fucking virgin.” He bullied walking into your apartment removing his heavy shoes.

“Can you stop being an ass Yoongi.” He threw himself in the couch watching you primarily as you closed the door, gong to the kitchen before his statement stoped you. “I don’t care about the tea party you set up in there, get over here.”

Legs spread his hand rested inside of his black sweats. Obliging you went to him, only here for one thing, and he was ready to get it as quick as he could, “wanna lay on the couch for me?” The pounding in your chest persistent, knowing fully what’s to come. Letting your back hit the couch, he threw your decretive pillows. “Miss me?” He freed you from your panties, letting his limber fingers massage you collecting your slickness. “C’mon speak up.” “Yeah I did, you miss me?” You breathed out in impatience. “Like hell.”

“You play with this while imagining me when I’m away?” Sensually he stroked your bundle of never earning a physical reaction. “Honestly?” “Mm yeah tell me.” Vulgarly he spit on your mound before continuing to toy with you. “I think about your little friends more than I imagine you.” You lied for his reaction, thoughts of Yoongi swam in your head more than you’d like to admit.

“Liar.” He entered you with his index and pointer, whimpering to show your appreciation. Moving back and forth rotating his wrist ever so slightly. “Tell me this though.” He changed his tactics now rapidly stroking the most sensitive area inside of you. “This still make you cum cutie?” He jokes obviously watching you buck at his skilled fingers movement. Staying in place he gave you the treat of massaging the area into your first orgasm of the night. Your stomach clenched and you griped around him unintentionally. “Mmhhm fucking hate you.” Insulting him was a regular during orgasm and he enjoyed it. He continues forcing more pleasure on you as you cum.

A cocky grin plasters his features, “I guess it does.” He leaned coming face to face with your core, still pulsating. “Sensitive little thing still, I would’ve thought you’d grow from that.” He latched onto your clit causing you to prop yourself on your elbow in surprise. “Yoongi fucking wait.” You pushed his head to no result he licked and sucked on your clit with no mercy. “Ah fuck please Yoongi.” He looked up his dark eyes commanding you as he let go. “Done for the night?” You shook your head no, “just a little sen-” “nothing new.” He went back down, lapping at your sopping entrance with hunger and lust, grunts erupted from him.

With better leverage he enters you with his tongue prodding you like you’ve missed oh so bad. It seems like he left and came back better than he’s ever been at this. It was muffled but you understood his dirty comments. “Fucking cum in my mouth, you’re gonna taste it bitch.” Moving back to your clit he flicked quickly replacing his fingers, rubbing your tender sweet spot. Eyebrows furrowed in focus he closed his fiery eyes. “Shit! Shit! Ahhh shit!” Squirming inches from succumbing to your second orgasm. You griped his styled hair pulling him deeper onto your cunt. He latched sucking you, your stomach tightening.

Finishing messily onto his digits and lips. “Fuck Min, who gave you lessons in Korea?” You heaved legs wide needy for more. Ignoring your comment he connected his lips with yours not giving you time to breath. purposely kissing you sloppily making sure he spread your nectar along your tongue and lips. “Sweet?” You nodded, bucking, begging for him subtlety.

“What next baby, ask for it,what do you want?” He took off the sweats fully commando underneath, he stroked himself collecting his precum and bringing it to your mouth. “I know you’re filthy. Eat it.” You suck his fingers, and he visibly holds back a groan. “Fuck me, that’s what I want.” You answer seductively.

You got up from the couch, grabbing his shirt bringing him to your bedroom, “bigger bed?” “Yeah, you like it?” You crawled on top, putting your ass in the air cheekily. “It’s your turn to buy the pill.” He laughed at your random outburst, “shut the fuck up already.” He got behind you aligning and plunging into you a groan of enjoyment coming from him. “Always so fucking tight.”

Gaining a grip he bottoms you out earning a squeal. “Nice a full? Ready to fuck?” You could hear his impatience, you nodded in response. “Damn it y/n speak baby.” He griped your ass harshly. “Just do it already!”he pulled out completely hooking you with his arm rolling you onto your back pulling your shirt off with your assistance.

“I have been thinking of you in this position ever since we landed.” Pushing your legs up, “hold them with your arms...please.” Obliging to his lustful wishes, on your back legs bound by your arms, everything vulnerable on display for him.

Getting comfortable he entered you, bottoming you out throwing his head back. “Tighter than before, you’ll fucking kill me.” He fucked into you sensually keeping a grip on the back of your thighs, “feel good? Wanna- oh shit.” Tightening around him he fucked into you harshly, the lewd smacking sound something that was very missed.

Resting his forearm next to your head, dominantly he gripped a handful of your hair, letting his head fall at you ear shamelessly moaning into it. “Mm so good y/n, you’re too good.” Picking up speed making your breath trap itself in your throat. “Tell me-mm tell me.”unable to respond to his commands you whimpered in a sorry excuse for response.

By the change in tone you could tell he’s close to finishing off, while in the chase for his high, he pulled your hair harsher. Placing his other hand on your sensitive clit. “Fuck!” Pulling back up he removed his hand from your locks placing them on the back of your thighs his pace giving a little slack.

His eyes closed thumb massaging you assisting you to orgasm. “You better fucking cum.” He gritted.

He continued his rough thrust until he hit his peak “oh fuck me!” Whining he spilled inside of you as you tightened around his member once again lost in his gift of euphoria.

He pulled out of you sweat dripping over his features his seed warmly gushed from you. He removed his shirt the heat getting the best of him.

His member already half mast. He got up stretching before striding to the bathroom. “ don’t move.” You could care less what he just said, your senses still draped in pleasure. Though certain thoughts threatened to pull your lustful high. “Your legs or arms cramping?” He came back cleaning you up, using a colder cloth you cool your sweaty limbs. “Left leg.” He pulled you from the folded position massaging your leg and thigh.

“Too rough?” “Not enough.” He laughed under his breath, “noted.” He let go of your limb standing from the bed, leaving the room.

Though not exclusive your heart still aches for him slightly. “I’m leaving.” He came back with his sweats and shoes on, grabbing his shirt. “Oh, I pulled out some of my best alcohol and you leave?”

He smiled kissing your drenched forehead, why did he love torturing you. “Yeah, I got a busy day tomorrow.” He sighed pulling his shirt over himself. Groaning you rolled over out of the bed, pulling on a large shirt, “I’ll walk you to your car.” Obliging you followed him out.

Walking side to side, in silence until you both left the building standing in front of his pricey sports car. “You know you never gave me that ride.” He grasped your waist lifting you onto the hood, darkness shields you both.

“Mm tomorrow If I’m not tired, we’ll go get something...ice cream?”

“Stop acting like my boyfriend Min.”

“That’s what you want though, right?”

Sighing you felt uncomfortable when pressed with the truth.

“Well I’m sorry y/n but I can’t be, acting is the best you’ll get.”

“I know...so, who’s your best fuck back home?”

“Haha, some real pretty girl that you don’t need to ask about....but don’t worry, I cum and think of you.”

He laughs at your visible discomfort.

“You’re literally disgusting.”

Any and All feedback is greatly appreciated! !

#bts smut #bts angst #bts scenarios #bts reactions #dark!bts #yandere bts #min yoongi #Yoongi #yoongi smut #yoongi headcanons #bts x reader #yoongi x reader #bts headcanons #min #bts yandere #sm #fuckboy!yoongi #fuck boy!yoongi #fuckboy!yoongixreader

[wonder-kid-pugh]

Karma's a bitch - (Emily Sonnett x reader)

This one is slightly different. Reader is a YouTuber with a popular channel called On The Wildside. The chapter switches behind let's say "real life" and then to "recorded clips". So it might be a bit weird and difficult but hopefully it makes sense. Hope you enjoy!!!

"What! Is! Up! My Wilders! Welcome back to the Wildside" I say my intro as I hold up my camera to record myself. I smirk as I spin around as I continue, "And for today's video you are going to see me get my revenge on my girlfriend!"

Along with being a personal trainer for high paying clients, I also run a popular lifestyle and fitness Channel on YouTube which had amassed over a million followers. I usually posted fitness videos and just daily lifestyle vlogs along with soccer challenges with the occasional prank video. It was through my channel I had actually met my girlfriend.

I had gotten in touch with the Portland Thorns to do a video with them for my channel as part of a series I had started, aiming to play all of the NWSL teams in a series of challenges. And she just happened to be one of the players involved in the video.

She was also the one who hit me in the back of the head with a miss kicked soccer ball.

And that's how I met Emily Sonnett.

After that day we kept in touch and with me going to watch her games with the thorns and even meeting up again to do a few more videos with the national team until she eventually asked me out, with much persuasion from her teammates.

And now we have been together for a long time just managing with the long distance. Until she got traded to Washington. And while she was sad to not be at the thorns, on the upside we got to move in together.

Which had both it's positives and negatives.

"So if you have seen the most recent videos or even my Instagram posts. You will know that Em has kinda gone mad with the pranks lately. She got me at Christmas with wrapping my entire office with wrapping paper".

*Emily fumbles with the camera before it eventually focuses on her face*

She gives the camera a toothy smile, "Hey guys!" She starts to walk around causing the camera to blur slightly but can just make our the main image. "So obviously Y/n isn't here today. She's out with a client at the moment and won't be back until later. So I decided to help her get into the Christmas spirit with a little prank".

Flips the camera to show Y/n's office. "So with the help of a few friends" .

*pans the camera to show Kelley and a few other teammates*

"We're going to wrap everything in her room with wrapping paper!"

*Time lapse fast forwarded to show them wrapping her entire room*

"So Y/n is after texting me saying she'll be home soon and she is bringing me dinner which almost makes me feel bad". Emily pauses and looks down the camera, "Almost". She grins at the camera, "So I'm going to set up one of her cameras in her office to film her reaction and yeah hopefully she's like it". She cackles before it transitions to the next clip.

*Shows a clip of Y/n walking into her office only to freeze in the doorway when she sees the room*

Y/n throws her head back with a groan, "Emily!" You can hear the sound of Emily laughing in the background before she appears in the doorway with a wide grin across her face.

"Merry Christmas!" The blonde giggles as Y/n picks up a book that was wrapped. Y/n quirked an eyebrow at her, "You got me everything I already own?"  The camera shakes slightly due to her nodding and laughing, "You get the gift of opening them all over again?"  Y/n sighs before she spots something spherical over the in the corner.

"You wrapped my exercise ball? How?"

"With great difficulty"

Y/n licks her lips too tired to even argue. She tears off the wrapping paper off the chair before sitting down. She groans with her head in her hands before looking up at the blonde holding the camera.

"I hate you so much"

"I love you too".

She slumps in her chair as she looks around the room. "I'm too tired to do anything about this" . She glares back at the blonde, "Why would you even do this?" "Cause I love you?" In response to that Y/n scrunches up the wrapping paper into a ball and throws it at her.

"I'm still pissed at her for that by the way. She used all our wrapping paper and it took me forever to find my stuff she moved" Y/n sighs into the camera. "She also put a load of plastic cups filled with water around our bedroom while I was sleeping. But that ended up backfiring on her".

*A fast forwarded time lapse of Emily covering the floor of their bedroom with cups of water as well as any flat surfaces so Y/n couldn't climb on anything. She holds up 3 fingers and counts down to the camera before blowing an air horn causing Y/n to shot up in the bed*

Y/n peaks her head out from under the blanket only to see Emily giggling with the camera. She looks around confused before spoting all the cups. She groans loudly, "For fuck sake Em". She narrows her eyes at the blonde, "You have way too much free time if this is what your doing".

Y/n grabs a few of the cups and purposely empties them over Emily's stuff. "Hey!" The blonde shouts but Y/n just gives her a look, "What? You come in here and stop me? Be my guest". Emily groans dramatically, "I didn't think this through".

"Did you even think at all?"

"Hurtful"

Y/n clears a few of the cups without making too much of a mess. She sighs as she rubs her eyes, "It's too early for this shit Emily". She points at the defender holding the camera, "I hope you know your cleaning this shit up". Emily chuckles behind the camera.

Y/n looks up on the doorframe where her pull up bar is stuck. She looks between herself and the bar before smirking. "Y/n don't-" Emily starts but it falls on deaf ears. As Y/n bends her knees and make the long jump and grabs onto the bar. Her momentum swings her forward to where Emily is standing.

*In an attempt to soften the hit, Y/n wraps her legs around her waist making sure she doesn't fall. But in doing so she dropped the camera with a grunt causing the screen to blackout*

"And one of the worst ones was when she went away for a match and hid a bunch of alarm clocks around our bedroom which were all set to different times in the morning. Leaving me to wake up every little while to find the bloody things".

*Short clips of Y/n sleeping in the dark bedroom only for an alarm clock to blare causing Y/n to jolt in her sleep. This repeats multiple times showing different clips*

"And ever since then she's has also throw flour bombs at me, woke me up by pouring water all over me and she turned the hallway outside our bedroom into a slip and slide.

*Shows brief clip of  Y/n slipping and falling on her ass*

"So I've decided to give her a taste of her own medicine!" Y/n exclaims to the camera. "So she's coming back late from a game tonight so I'm going to set up a few cameras and pretend to be mad at her and tell her I'm sleeping in the living room".

Y/n smirks at the camera, "One thing you need to know about Emily Sonnett is she loves her cuddles. Especially after a game. She's like a fricken Koala when she sleeps. She just clings onto you". She moves to set the camera down so it has a clear view of the bedroom, "And this is going to set up for my main prank for tomorrow".

"So I'm going to go set up everything. And wait until she gets home". Y/n gives a thumbs up to the camera before it times skips.

*Time has passed to show it's pretty late now. You can hear the jingling of keys before the door opens and closes. Y/n freezes before smiling at the camera and jumps up and starts gathering stuff*

Emily steps in the doorway and drops her bags. But scrunches her face when see her girlfriend isn't asleep and is in fact awake. "Y/n/n? What are you doing?" With an annoyed look on her face, Y/n looked over her shoulder before going back to gathering a blanket and a pillow, "I'm going to sleep in the living room".

Emily looks at her weird, "What? Why?" She moves to grab her hand but Y/n just pulls her arm away, "What's wrong?" Y/n just shrugs her off, "I'm going to sleep on the couch".

Emily crosses her arms upset as Y/n gathers up the last of her things, "Did something happen? Did I do something?" But Y/n just ignores her before shuffling out of the room. Emily curses quietly unaware that there's a camera in the room and that this is all a prank.

After a long sigh Emily pulls out her phone and dials quickly before holding it up to her ear. After a brief minute she starts starting

"Hey Kel did I forget an anniversary?"

*Cuts to the camera set up in their living room which is facing their couch. Y/n has a make shift bed set up as she's scrolling through her phone before she untangles herself from the blankets leaving to go to the bathroom*

After Y/n leaves a minute later you can shuffling off camera before Emily wrapped in blankets comes into view. She pauses at the couch before she jumps and flops on the couch making sure she's wrapped up in her blanket. Completely unknown that this is getting caught on camera.

A few minutes later Y/n comes back with her phone in hand. It swaps to her phones point of view as it shows a close up of Emily's face peaking out from the bundle of blanket. "What are you doing?" Y/n asked desperately trying to fight the small smile coming to her face. But Emily just smiles cutely up at her, "We're sleeping in the living room". Y/n groans quietly, "Noooo". But Emily just keeps smiling, "Together". Y/n shakes her head, "No. I am".

But Emily just ignores her and pulls the blanket back and nods towards her, "C'mon!" Y/n just sighs, "Kay fine. You sleep here and I'll sleep in the bed". Emily almost falls out of the bed trying to stop her, "Nooooo".

They have a mini staring competition before it cuts to the next frame where the two are seen cuddling on the couch with Emily lying on top of Y/n's chest.

"Okay! So last night's prank didn't go exactly how I planned" Y/n starts as she's back holding the camera. "BUT! I have something else planned!" She exclaims.

"So last night was really just meant for her to think I'm mad at her for some reason or another. Which sets up today's prank perfectly" she explains. "So I'm sure many of you have seen this one already but I'm going to put my own twist on it".

"So Emily and Kelley have gone out to train together today and then they're going to come back here to hang out" Y/n starts before smiling down at the camera, "but I'm going to pretend to just come out of the shower". She grins, "Well.... you'll see what happens".

*Camera cuts a clip of the kitchen where Emily and Kelley are. Emily is on her phone by the island while Kelley is looking through their fridge (obviously). Y/n walks in with a towel wrapped tightly around her*

Y/n walks around for a bit before Emily looks up and smiles before going back to her phone. It takes a second before Emily does a double take, eyes widen when she realizes that Y/n is supposedly only walking around in a towel.

"Y/n!" Emily gawked causing Kelley to look over and snort at the sight. Y/n just looks at her girlfriend unbothered, "What?" Emily just looks her up and down motioning to her lack of attire, "Uh!" "What?" Y/n asks frustratedly. "What are you doing?" Emily asked while Kelley just watched on amused.

"Nothing!" Y/n throws her hands up. "Get dressed" Emily says. "Why?" Y/n asks nonchalantly. "Your in a towel!" Emily says angrily. "So what?" Y/n just retorts. "Cause we have company!" Emily argues motioning to Kelley standing at the fridge who just holds her hands up in surrender.

Y/n just shrugs, "So what? It's only Kelley. She doesn't care". "I care! Only I get to see you like this!" Emily shouts angrily. Y/n runs a hand through her hair, "I don't see the problem I'm covered! I'm covered". "I don't care go get changed" Emily says sternly which is a bit weird to see from her usual happy, upbeat persona.

"She's not bothered by it" Y/n defends herself motioning her arm in Kelley's direction. "I'm bothered by it!" Sonnet claps back getting even angrier, "just go put something on".

Hiding her smirk Y/n progresses with the prank, "You know what? You know what? No. Now this". Y/n then turns her back to her girlfriend as she faces Kelley who's eyes widen substantially as Y/n untucks the towel still holding the ending with her hands.

Catching onto the joke, Kelley bursts our laughing which only fuels Emily's rage further as she stands there stunned that her girlfriend would do such a thing. "This is happening" Y/n says throwing a look back at Emily over her shoulder. "Y/n! That's not-" Emily stutters out trying to find the words.

"She's seen me like this before and so have you" Y/n says as Kelley is still gasping for breath as she laughs. "What are you-" Emily starts only to stop when Y/n drops the towel to reveal one of Y/n's dresses which she has pulled down the sleeves to hide underneath the towel.

Emily's jaw drops as Kelley falls into another fit of giggles as she leans against the island. "Gotcha!" Y/n grins. Emily's mouth opened and closed several times but no words came out as she just stuttered unintelligently, "Uh I um?" Y/n moves to pick up the camera and hold it in front of Emily, "Say Hi to the internet Babe".

If at all possible, Emily's cheeks flushed even darker, "You recorded all this?!" Y/n hummed contently, "And last night". Emily leans back against the island and slides down to the floor, "Last night! That was a prank?" Y/n giggles, "Yup!" Emily slumps back, "Thank god! I thought you were pissed at me! I thought I forgot an anniversary or something!"

There is some shuffling and a bit of blurry imagines before it shows Y/n sitting on the ground beside Emily as she grins, "Nah. Just payback for all the pranks you've pulled on me recently". Emily buried her face in her girlfriend's shoulder letting out a small, "I'm sorry" although it came out muffled.

Y/n leans her cheek on Emily's head, "It's okay. But just remember next time you prank me, remember how I got you back". "Emily pouted at her girlfriend, "Fine. No more pranks". Y/n smiled as she pressed a kiss to the top of her blonde crown. But of course Kelley had to interrupt.

"If there is ever a prank war, I'm calling Y/n for my team".

Emily growled at her teammate as she koala hugged her girlfriend's side, "No!" Y/n giggled as she shrugged at Kelley, "Sorry Kels I'm taken". "Damn right you are" Emily mumbles as she presses herself even further into Y/n's embrace.

Y/n smiled as she holds up the camera, "Well that's it for my revenge pranks back on my girlfriend. If you want to see the full videos of Emily's pranks on me, I'll leave them in the description. Comment below for any videos you would like to see". "No more prank videos" Emily whined at the camera causing the other two to laugh before Y/n finished her outro. "Well that's it for now. Until next time. Peace out Wilders!"

#uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #uswnt x reader #emily sonnett x reader #emily sonnett imagines #emily sonnett #emily fields imagine #uswnt