#just like a buncha people that have jobs related to dead people | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stories-and-chaos · 4 days

Text

Tarnished: M&M Teamwork

[Helluva Boss AU where Blitzø’s childhood theft from Stolas’ palace is discovered and major consequences ensue for everyone involved.]

[Word count: 2028 Cw: blood, gore]

—————

While Blitzø is recovering from finding out about Barb. M & M are not yet dating.

Moxxie idly tapped his claws on the meeting room table. It was half an hour after I.M.P. was supposed to open for business, but there was no sign of the boss yet. He had double and triple checked the calendar; all the full moons were highlighted. Blitzø didn’t enjoy the restriction that came from being late for an ‘appointment’ with Stolas. So despite him being notoriously bad at making schedules, he had all the full moons marked. But the last one had been over a week ago, Blitzø’s absence probably wasn’t related to the royal demon.

“Maybe he partied too hard? Or maybe he got locked up again?” Moxxie checked the calendar a fourth time as Millie waved a dismissive hand.

“Calm down Mox, I’m sure he’s fiiiiiiine,” she drawled. “He’ll get here when he gets here.”

“Yeah, but there’s no sign of Loona either.” He and the Hellhound clashed but he didn’t want anything bad to happen to her.

He didn’t have to speculate much longer. Loona burst into the office nearly ripping the door off its hinges. She’d flung it open hard enough that it lodged into the drywall; when she yanked it closed, there was a perfect imprint of the handle in the wall. The Hound was panting heavily and she looked like she hadn’t slept the night before,

“Fuck. I thought…the new…apartment… was closer,” she managed through gasps. She grabbed the water cooler’s reservoir, yanked it off, and chugged it like a beer keg before jamming it back onto the base. She’d gulped down two thirds of it, the remaining water sloshing widely from her treatment. She went to her desk, flopping over it from the visitor side.

The imps exchanged a glance and Millie walked up to their receptionist. “Uhhhh, Loona? Sugar? Everthin’ okay?” The Hellhound gave a thumbs up. “Well that’s good. Where’s Blitzø?”

Loona raised her head. “He’s taking a personal day.”

“Is that code for ‘drunk off his ass?’” Moxxie asked dryly.

“Drunk off his ass for personal reasons. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it later.” Loona knew his tendencies to overshare and excessively pry into others' business. But she didn’t feel like explaining his shit. “Good news, we’ve got a client all lined up. I can send you to Earth, business as usual.”

“Wait, just Moxxie and me? We haven’t done a job without the boss before…” Millie was sure she could take on whatever the job was, but she wasn’t quite so sure about her coworker. Moxxie had been capable enough, but she didn’t know how he’d do without Blitzø around.

Loona heaved herself into her office chair and shrugged. “Either that or we default on the job. Besides, this one’s easy. Even Fatty there could do it solo. Probably.”

Moxxie weakly called out “I’m not fat!” as Loona continued. “You get to kill a whole group, which I know you like Millie.” She pulled out the relevant file. “Buncha humans died from salmonella poisoning and they want the people that packed the lettuce dead too.”

The imp took the file and flipped through it. It really did look like an easy job, despite the requested body count. “Awright, guess we gotta. Get your stuff Moxxie, we got work to do and jackasses to kill!”

Millie always had her favorite knife with her. She grabbed her new battleaxe, along with a sword and pistol. She preferred a more personal approach to murder, but she wasn’t a bad shot. And it was better to have the weapon than wish she’d brought it.

Moxxie had his arsenal of firearms and melee weapons as usual. Shotgun, sniper rifle, handguns in multiple colors and calibers, crossbow, hunting bow, blow darts, grenades, throwing knives, and a kukri were today’s rotation.

Loona made sure they each had a work cell to contact her when they finished. She smoothly opened the portal to Earth on their office wall and closed it quickly once the imps hopped through. “Ugh, finally. I can fix my makeup and get a goddamn coffee.”

The imp duo found themselves in a bucolic farmland, a sizable building in front of them. Moxxie squinted at the sign above the double doors. “McDrumpf’s Vegetable and Raw Meat Packing Emporium? Looks like we’re in the right place.”

“Remember Mox, we gotta get everyone in the building. Two dozen workers, three managers and the owner.” With that Millie broke into a bounding run to the side of the structure. Her sword made an excellent temporary climbing spike to reach a tiny window. Moxxie followed her up, retrieving the sword with his tail.

In the metal rafters, the imps had a vantage point over the entire operation. A variety of humans were at work, some blankly overseeing machinery, watching vegetables launch past. Others were chopping poultry without pause. Yet more made sure the produce was arranged correctly for packaging, then doing the same for a conveyor belt of chicken parts. The food emerged wrapped in plastic and got slapped with a sticker saying “McDrumpfs: Packed with ‘care.’”

Close to the front door was a room with frosted windows. The imps could vaguely see a wide figure walking around the room before it settled down to one corner. Presumably that was McDrumpf. The three managers were set apart by wearing dress shirts and ties; the rest had aprons and hairnets. Gloves seemed to be optional.

Moxxie scampered along the rafters to lock the front doors, while Millie made her way to block the emergency exits. One of the exits was blocked by a pallet of cling wrap rolls before she even got there. They regrouped on a small platform over the owner's office.

“Got a plan Millie? I figured I take out a few from here before we hop down. Maybe shoot the straps holding the pallets together near the front to block the doors?”

“Good for starters. I doubt this lot’ll put up much of a fight anyways.” In particular she noted one by the lettuce sorter who was nodding off while standing. Another putting stickers on was snoring as she did so. Millie readied her axe.

Sniper rifle steadied, Moxxie fired four shots in rapid succession. The first took out a manager, the second hit a butcher in the eye, the third went through the temple of a worker at a wrapping station, and the fourth grazed the rope tying the pallets. That was enough to break the fibers; the already unstable stack teetered and crashed into a pile of jagged planks and rusty nails.

The humans closest to his first three kills started screaming. Moxxie calmly reloaded and Millie leapt to the concrete floor. She grinned ferally at the nearest human and swung her axe to neatly decapitate him. She followed the battleaxe’s momentum to spin into another human, slicing him through the torso.

The other humans started panicking. “The fuck is that?! Jimbob is dead! Helga too! Crap the doors are blocked! Huuuuh, is it lunch yet-?” The last was cut off by Moxxie’s bullet. Millie was happily working her way up between two conveyor belts. A neatly sliced thigh appeared wrapped up on a styrofoam tray and a flung sticker landed on top.

Moxxie grabbed his shotgun and took out a group trying to open the only unblocked exit. The pile of three bodies made a nice bloody barricade. The machines continued to work even as the employees were falling. Moxxie saw a line of three beautifully cut salads garnished with eyes, ears, and fingers emerge from the belt of lettuce heads. Half a dozen human heads with hairnets still on followed, each packaged and ready to load into boxes.

Millie reached the butchers. Four of them armed themselves with cleavers and tried to corner her. Her eyes flicked between them. The gap in her teeth showed as she flung her axe at the farthest, slicing her vertically and lodging the weapon into a wall.

The other butchers were sprayed in blood, one half of the newly dead butcher landed on the shoulder of another. “Auuuugh! Oh god Sherry’s on me!” A third butcher shoved him. “Now’s our chance, get the devil!” He swung a cleaver down at Millie. The imp dodged, climbed up his arm, and wrapped her legs around his head. Her momentum dragged him to the ground where she got enough purchase to brace herself and snap his neck.

Barely pausing, the imp lunged at the next human, stabbing her knife between his ribs. Millie grabbed his meat cleaver as it dropped from the limp hand. With a smooth motion she threw it at the fourth butcher’s head as he tried to run. It neatly stuck into the skull, looking like a cheesy Halloween accessory as it bisected his head.

“Whew!” Millie went to retrieve her battleaxe and heard a gunshot followed by a gurgle behind her. Whirling with the axe, she saw another human body drop right next to her. Blood was spewing out of the mouth and she saw Moxxie lowering one of his pistols at the other end of the building. Two of the workers bodies laid next to him with neat holes in vital points, more of the male imp’s handiwork.

“What the fuck is going on out here?! I’ll dock everyone’s pay for-holy shit!” A man who was dressed way to nicely for the locale barged out of the office next to Moxxie, saw the carnage and hastily went back inside. Or tried to at least. Millie’s own pistol rang out. The bullet hit between the man’s eyes. Blood splattered on the frosted glass door as the man fell backwards.

Moxxie was in awe of the expertly sliced bodies Millie had left in her wake. Her shot that took out McDrumpf was better than anything he’d seen from his father’s goons. Could she be any more perfect? Well, yes, she could not be his coworker so he’d have a chance to ask her out.

“Nice shootin’ Mox.” Millie walked back to the other imp, counting the bodies as she went. “Oh! Ah, thanks! You’re not too bad a shot yourself Millie.” He also started counting; the job was for twenty-eight humans. If they ever wanted to be trusted on a mission without their boss again, they needed to kill all the targets.

But they both only counted twenty-seven. Moxxie handed Millie her knife back; he’d pulled it out of a chest as they did their deadcount. “Y’think someone stayed home? Pretty sure we got everyone in the building.”

“Oh crumbs, if one did, we’re going to have to find out which one! Then we’ll need to track them down and-” Moxxie’s stressed out rant stopped as they heard a door click open. Not any of the doors leading outside. It had been hidden behind a pile of flat packed cardboard boxes.

The imps ducked behind the stack and peeked over. A lanky male human, his death metal music audible through his earbuds, exited the men’s restroom. His head bobbed as he mouthed along. Coming around the pile, he saw the blood and viscera spread across the room. His jaw dropped and Moxxie hopped onto his head, slicing through the human’s neck with his kukri.

Moxxie jumped off the body. “Twenty-eight. All targets accounted for,” he stated with a satisfied air. Millie’s heart thumped at his quick dispatching of the last target. His pose and grin were so adorably gallant, she felt bats fluttering in her stomach. Never felt that with the shark toothed fuck face. Or any of the others, really. She really wished they weren’t coworkers and she could just ask the other imp out.

No point in wasting time on what couldn’t happen. “I think we’ve done some damn good work today. And we’ll get the rest of the day off, since the boss isn’t in.” Millie sent Loona a message while Moxxie made sure all their weapons were accounted for.

A freshly made up Loona opened the way home. The imps chatted about the kills as they went back to Hell. Neither noticed their tails swishing, barely touching each other’s and forming hearts as they walked home.

—————

A/N: Sorry for the delay, life has interfered. I hope everyone likes this little bit, poor M&M haven’t gotten much attention in the main story. We’ll be back to part 29 shortly!

Tip me through Ko-fi!

Writing Masterlist

#helluva fanfiction #helluva boss #helluva au #helluva millie #helluva moxxie #millie x moxxie #helluva blitzo #blitzø #blitzo #moxxie and millie

8 notes · View notes

agdab · 2 years

Text

roleplay DnD whatever game where its a group of people surviving a zombie apocalypse but ones a mortician, a doctor, a gravedigger, and a foresnic science tech

#i eat bees.#just like a buncha people that have jobs related to dead people #i think itd be hilarious. imagine the puns

2 notes · View notes

smolbeandrabbles · 3 years

Text

My Last Name - Ralph Anderson x Reader (The Outsider)

@wltz-bby @happyskywhale

GIF CREDIT: X

Author’s Note: I was supposed to get this off the ground before the Holiday period so I could write my winter wedding fic and like... completely forgot about it until it was a little too late. So while you won’t get the Wedding this year, though I’m not promising inspiration won’t strike late, or... y’know if there’s demand, I thought I would still give you the proposal. Special shout out to a very good friend who keeps giving me SO much Ralph Anderson inspiration. I needed it and didn’t even know. Keep doing what you’re doing! 💕

We stan the pure form of ‘Daddy’ on this blog.

My Last Name - Dierks Bentley

Disclaimer: The Outsider (Book/HBO) Nothing to do with me / gif not mine / lyrics not mine / I’ve had this in my head so long and I’m not really sure this is the pay off but... here we are!

Premise: Ralph Anderson has a lot on his mind and that list is only going to get bigger. He’s not one for believing in confluence - it’s up to Yune to remind him sometimes things do just work out...

Words: 4517

Warnings: ....Insulin warning? For a buncha reasons. I mean I know you guys know what’s coming but reader doesn’t! / Swearing

_____

I learned how to write it When I first started school Some bully didn't like it, He said it didn't sound too cool So I had to hit him And all I said when the blood came It's my last name Daddy always told me far back as I recall Son, you're part of somethin', You represent us all So keep it how you got it, as solid as it came It's my last name Passed down from generations Too far back to trace I can see all my relations When I look into my face May never make it famous But I'll never bring it shame It's my last name So darlin' if you're wonderin' Why I've got you here tonight I want to be your husband, I want you to be my wife I ain't got much to give you But what I've got means everything It's my last name Oh, it's my last name

---

Whenever Ralph used to be woken up in the middle of the night it was usually a call. The kind where he would groan and for all of 10 seconds - whilst glancing bleary-eyed at the clock flashing some ungodly hour of the morning - wish that he wasn’t a man of the law. It still happened occasionally these days, but a little less and less; people seemed more respectful of his situation now and wouldn’t call him unless absolutely necessary. Or unless the scene really needed both of you on it, and right away. Instead Ralph was woken by the tugging of sheets. You were still fast asleep, and he wasn’t surprised; the case you’d been working on meant putting in the late hours. He was at least glad you’d hauled Yune onto it with you, even though as your partner (in every capacity) Ralph felt a little guilty about it. You kept telling him not to be silly, he had bigger things to focus on right now. But he couldn’t help it, and he always thought ‘bigger than this case, though?’ As he sat up to figure out what was going on, Ralph came face to face with your adopted daughter Renée. “Oh, oh, Renée, sweetheart, what’s wrong are you okay? Honey?” Although also half asleep she was currently crying and whimpering and Ralph was immediately alert and concerned, “Oh, honey… honey it’s okay… what happened?” He wound his arms around her and hoisted her up into bed, and she kept crying, burying her face in his soft sleep shirt, “Daddy… don’t let the monsters get me, daddy…” “Shhh… Shhh… It’s okay, sweetheart it was a bad dream… I promise it’s just a dream.” It better have been, because if anything like that shapeshifter ever came for the people he loved again Ralph Anderson would give it more than just hell. But Ralph couldn’t help but be a little flustered. She had never, not in all the time you’d been together, nor in the joint decision for him to move into your house, called him ‘daddy’ before. Not even on accident. ‘Ralphie’ was as close as he got to a cute nickname - although he despised it from anyone that wasn’t her. He couldn’t help but be overcome with joy as he wrapped her in his arms, rubbing her back, nor that it spilled to his heart, now beating faster. Ralph had wanted to hear it from Renée for a long time, he certainly wouldn’t deny that. But he wouldn’t force it out of her until she was ready - he was just a little concerned that it had come to her after bad dreams… Ralph’s eyes flicked to you, luckily still fast asleep, he didn’t want to worry you with this if he didn’t have to. Kissing her forehead gently he was glad to see that she wasn’t crying anymore, but she was still holding him so tight and whimpering every so often. “It’s okay, Renée… they won’t get you I promise. I’m here…” That only caused her to hold him tighter, mumbling into his shirt, “Can I stay with you and mommy?” Ralph chuckled gently, another spike to his heartrate that he knew was ending with a stupid grin, he wiped it off to be appropriately concerned, “Of course you can… C’mere, we’ll protect you…” She snuggled in the sheets between you, and Ralph put his arm around both of you, feeling your body move under his touch and your subconscious hum of content. “Goodnight Renée…” He mumbled, hoping he’d be able to settle back to sleep easily. “Goodnight, Daddy…” She already sounded like she was drifting. Ralph smiled again before kicking himself. Don’t get ahead of yourself… she’ll forget by tomorrow morning...

***

He was standing in the kitchen with his what felt like his fourth cup of coffee when you returned from dropping her at school. “You best be careful with those today… what with your Captain’s interview!” You chided, pouring what was left into a cup of your own, before kissing his cheek. Ralph’s smile came off as more of a grimace, “I’ll need all the help I can get.” You shook your head at him, leaning against the counter, “Come on. Don’t be ridiculous, you’ll ace it.” He shook his head, “No.” You sighed, taking his hand and tugging him to you, forcing his eyes to look at yours, “Ralph Anderson, I’ll tell you good luck if that’s what you really want, but you don’t need it.” He laced his fingers with yours, “It’s only contention, Y/N. It’s not a dead cert.” You raised an eyebrow, kissing his knuckles, “Nope. You’ll get it.” Ralph’s eyes flicked back to the garden and he chewed the inside of his lip frowning, you tried searching his face for any clue as to what was on his mind besides the interview. But this detective had you stumped. “What’s wrong?” “Renée called me daddy last night.” You froze, and not only because that was so out of the blue, you knew what that meant to him. How many times you’d teased him about the moment it would finally happen. Now she’d done it, but it wasn’t the FIRST thing he’d said this morning?! “And you weren’t gonna tell me-!?! Ralph, that’s-! That’s so good!” Ralph squinted at nothing in particular, “Look, she… she was half asleep. I don’t think she’s gonna remember it.” “Does that matter? You do.” You pushed yourself up on your toes to turn his face back to yours and you smiled, “Babe… tell me how you felt. Right now, tell me how you felt.” “Like when you first told me you loved me.” You scoffed, but Ralph continued, “My heart kinda… went on overdrive. I know I was grinning like an idiot. Just… overjoyed. I guess, but Y/N she won-” You pulled him to your lips to stop him from getting negative, “Channel it. That feeling and that positivity. Into your interview.” “Y-Yeah okay.” Ralph sighed, knowing he wouldn’t get away with it, and then couldn’t help but smile, “I’m sorry I didn’t wake you. But it was bad dreams, I didn’t wanna worry you.” “Ah, I did wonder why she woke up in our bed.” You kissed him again, “I gotta go, daddy, but I’ll see you after your interview.” Ralph hesitated in your arms at your repeated phrase; “...I’ll need 20 drinks at this rate.” You laughed, but the fact that he was now blushing didn’t escape your notice, “Me too!” “How’s it all going-?” “Oh no.” You shook your head, “Interview first, case later. I got some more interviewing of my own to do!” You turned to him at the door with a smile, and blew him a kiss, “Later, Mr. Anderson.”

***

Flint City PD needed a new Captain. This rumour of retirement had been circulating a while with absolutely no weight to it. But earlier this month the Captain had announced that this time, those rumours were true and he would be retiring in a few months’ time - interviews starting imminently. Ralph hadn’t needed any encouragement to sign up, he knew he was getting to the age where he ought to be thinking of desk work as the main part of his job. Also, how often did the opportunity come up? You’d had one simple chat with him about it, that one where he tried to convince himself of all the reasons why he shouldn’t apply, and you told him to shut up and go for it. So Ralph had, and his interview was today. He knew he wasn’t the only one in the precinct to apply for it, and he knew that there were applications coming in from outside Flint City - heck he’d seen a bunch of ‘em walk in to be interviewed. (Always with you and Yune looking at them and throwing comments around that Ralph thought were supposed to help encourage him, but wasn’t always entirely sure) But from what he’d gathered, most of the FCPD wanted it to be him that got the position. Ralph was - obviously - humbled, but he wasn’t one for counting his chickens.

As his interview approached, he’d broached the conversation more seriously with you. Right now you were his detective partner. There wasn’t a lot of conflict of interest there, because you always worked cases together. But if he was the Captain, and you were a detective under him, he could see why that would cause an issue. You’d moved to Flint City PD to further your own career, and Ralph didn’t want to put a halt on that just because he was the Captain of the department. And Ralph liked working cases with you - aside from you actually being his girlfriend - so there was that element that might disappear too. And he wasn’t sure he wanted that: “So, if I do get it - theoretically - I’ll have to promote you into a senior role. Otherwise you’re a ‘junior’ detective working cases that someone of my current role should be doing. Or I can just put you in my role… But then, do I pull someone else in? Y/N, I want to partner with you still. Would that be okay?” You raised your eyebrow and played into his ‘theoretical’ world: “You’re the Captain.” “Yeah, but conflict of interest.” You frowned, considering it, “Well, no-one has exactly said anything before now. But I see when you’d be in a position of authority over me why it’d cause trouble.” You shrugged, “See what the general consensus is; at work, with the people of Flint City. The DA’s office.” The legal side was very important. You couldn’t risk cases getting thrown out. “I don’t give a damn if the DA’s office cares-!” With that jokey tone - and the inference of your friendship with Samuels behind it - Ralph leant across and kissed you, “Good idea, Ms. S.S. Andersson.” You smiled, but shook your head at his nickname, he was always after that double-S. “I do have them, occasionally!”

Ralph knew that he wouldn’t get the peace and quiet he really required to prepare, when he rolled into the parking lot and Yune was standing outside the precinct doors, arms folded. ‘Just perfect.’ He took a deep breath, running his hands through his hair - really Ralph wasn’t sure why he was panicking so much about the interview; he knew enough that was fairly certain. Maybe he wanted it too much… maybe - with the consequences of your relationship - he didn’t want it enough. He chewed on his lip, sitting in silence for a minute. You were likely right about him being a dead cert, but Ralph was not about to bet on it until that paper arrived on his desk officially.

Yune came strolling over the second Ralph opened his car door; “How you feelin’?” “Honestly, pretty terrible. I’ve had more cups of coffee this morning than I can count. I haven’t had a real interview in years. I don’t even know what I’m expecting in there. Usually I’m the one asking questions.” “Well don’t act like a suspect and you’ll be fine!” Yune chuckled, but the quirk of Ralph’s eyebrow told him that wasn’t helpful, so Yune jogged his arm instead as they walked towards the precinct, “Man you got this in the bag!” “Look, can I just have the interview first-? Speaking of, I thought you were helping Y/N today?!” Yune shrugged, “I offered to get everyone coffee.” “So you could stand outside and wait for me?” Ralph pushed open the door, turning to his friend, “A little. But while she’s in there I can talk to you!” Ralph’s smile was a little crooked as he opened your office door, “About what?” Although he knew full well where this conversation was going. “C’mon man! About what!” Ralph threw his jacket over the back of his chair and booted up his computer. His interview notes were still on top of his desk where he’d left them yesterday; you had little cue cards you’d been asking him questions from and he’d been able to answer with a confident smile on the drive home. Maybe he just had to pretend the Captain was you - Ralph had second thoughts on that helping. “Can I just get through today before you get onto me about any of that.” “Geez, what are you so worried about today for?!” Ralph bit his lips together and again blurted it, “Renée called me daddy last night and I- I just… I dunno what I do with that.” Yune’s eyes immediately widened, “Holy shit-” “Don’t get ahead of yourself. It was after a bad dream, she wasn’t properly awake-” Ralph waved his hands towards the floor to calm Yune down, but it didn’t work. “-This is all falling into place! Especially when you’re thinking of…!” Yune’s face lit up, “HA!” Ralph shook his head, “Geez, but it’s all a little too convenient right? Like it’s all just happening a little too… at the same time.” Yune let out a frustrated sigh, making sure the door behind him was closed, “For fuck sake Ralph, just propose to the girl already, you’re killing me here-!!” Ralph looked panicked for a second as he waved his hands once more and pressed his finger to his lips to shut Yune up, looking pretty stern, “Shush!” “She loves you, her kid loves you, you’re gonna get this Captain’s job. It’s all gonna work out. Sometimes things just work Ralph. I know you’re not a big believer… even when you know there’s other forces at work out there.” “...Things don’t just work… there’s gotta be reasons!” “Yeah, I just gave you three, they aren’t connected, they’re just happening at the same time. Stop looking for trouble where there isn’t any.” Yune crossed the room and shook his friend’s shoulders, “Cheer up! Ace this interview!” Then he chuckled, “Now I’m gonna go get coffee before Y/N kills me.” Ralph couldn’t help but chuckle back, “Yeah. I would, and I won’t be stopping her!” “Aw,” Yune feigned hurt as he walked back through the door, “now that’s unfair-! After all my support!?”

Ralph sat back at his desk, finding himself needing to take an even bigger deep breath and wishing Yune hadn’t brought up the proposal. It had been a tentative idea thrown out there the last time the two of them had after work drinks, and Yune had immediately leapt on it. He liked asking if Ralph had thought about what he was going to say, and where, and how, and if he’d got a ring yet. And although Ralph was serious, and he knew in the back of his head such a proposal was imminent, he didn’t know anything beyond the fact he was going to do it. He placed a hand to his forehead and groaned, turning back to his notes - this was priority one, everyone was right. Once Ralph knew what his future was going to hold, he could start thinking about what his future with you would look like - and exactly how he’d change that last name of yours.

***

Anderson and Andersson had been a running joke between nearly the whole damn city since you’d arrived here. Yune had refused to tell Ralph your name until the Captain had introduced you. And you’d had to on the spot explain to a surprised looking Ralph that ‘mine is spelt with a double-S’ - hence his sometime-nickname for you. With Yune standing by trying his very best to hold in his laughter with a poker face. How you had to introduce yourselves as “Detective Anderson & Andersson” and everyone got that look on their face. And how you started adding the quip of “Yes, we’re partners.” when you’d started dating. But people started to think that you were already married - and then began the process of explaining the spelling, to every person in Flint City who gave the same little amused smile.

When Ralph had started to joke with you about the possibility of getting married, he’d always said something along the lines of; ‘We need to get rid of that extra S - shouldn’t be too hard!’ You’d never really known - or particularly cared - if he was serious or not. You never seemed to be fishing for marriage, the only time you’d brought it up semi-seriously was when you’d had a tentative conversation of having kids of yours own, your comment being ‘At least change my last name first-!’ Your main concern really was his influence on Renée’s life - and you didn’t need to be married for that to continue the way it was going. She didn’t need to refer to Ralph as her father, but he was certainly a father figure for her. Although ever since that night he’d wanted her to say it again, accidentally, or maybe again in a half-asleep state; it hadn’t happened. And you’d watched Ralph try not to look disappointed, or try not to look like he was wishing for it so hard… You both knew it would take her time, but it looked like it was killing him.

He got the Captaincy easily enough, it was barely even an interview; basic competency questions before what felt much more like a chat. Although Ralph was very cautious of slip ups even then. Of course the Frankie Peterson case was brought up, and all Ralph really had to say was that lessons were learned, no-one was perfect, Terry was done right by in the end. We got the guy - though for obvious reasons he didn’t add that. Ralph was fully prepared to admit to mistakes, but thought the rest of his career would speak for itself. And it clearly did. Basically the whole precinct had been called together when it was announced and had a party for him. (Your little family and his closest friends had a more relaxed and intimate dinner together afterwards, where Ralph let himself go a little bit). Ralph was very humble about accepting it, and careful about his transition period. Especially when it came to you, everyone seemed alright with things as they stood - they had watched you both for several years as partners and how the relationship had played out there. It was all very ‘let’s see how it goes’ - and Ralph would take any complaints or comments about professionalism, favouritism or conflicts of interest very seriously. He had sent a general enquiry to the head of county police, but hadn’t heard anything back yet. Ralph just didn’t want to have to move you somewhere when you were so settled. You joked about going to the DA’s office, but that didn’t go down well - for obvious Bill Samuels related reasons, but also because Ralph thought that might make things even worse. You only ever rolled your eyes at him, “For the millionth time I’m not gonna run off with the guy-! He’s a very good friend.” “I thought he was your best friend.” “Ralph Anderson.” You smiled gently, brushing your lips to his, as if he didn’t know. “You have gotta be out of your mind.” Of course, once the position was in hand, there was barely a day that went by that Yune didn’t give him a look of significance. Ralph quite often had to kick him under the desk or strategically hit him with a folder. ‘Now isn’t the right time.’ ‘No, now is perfect! Don’t tell me you’re scared!?’ ‘I’m not scared-!’ ‘Good, cuz you faced off against a shapeshifting thing in a Texas cave, you can propose to your partner.’ Ralph’s laugh was choked, ‘How is this less scary than that-!?’

Ralph was a little scared of getting down on one knee. He had no plan. No game play. Heck he didn’t even think he knew your ring size - some detective he was! - and Ralph didn’t think he had the skill to enquire nonchalantly, or steal one from your jewellery box to get measured somewhere without you noticing. And he wanted it to be a surprise for you - another reason why Ralph wanted Yune to keep his damn mouth shut. Either you were bound to overhear, or gossip would get it back to you. But it was his last name. Would you want to change yours? It might have been one letter, sure but… you’d still be taking his name. You’d often said of his last name that it was ‘lazy’ when he told you yours was spelled wrong: ‘Somewhere along the line someone got lazy and decided they couldn’t be doing with that second S.’ ‘Why can’t yours be spelled wrong!?’ ‘Most popular surname in Sweden, definitely not spelt wrong.’ Then you’d look up at him; ‘Or you’re Scottish. Anders-son. Son of Anders. Vs… I think yours is Andrew. With that missing S.’ He’d quirked his eyebrow ‘Something wrong with that-!?’ ‘No.’ Though you gave him a teasing little smirk as you’d mused on it for a minute, ‘I’m still going for that lazy angle!’ Not that Ralph thought that would factor any into your decision to marry him, but it was a conversation that kept flooding his brain as he got more and more anxious about asking you.

Then, suddenly, the perfect idea came to him…

***

You’d had another day visiting smaller ‘crime scenes’ and filing legal paperwork. Overjoyed when Bill kept congratulating you on being the only one who actually did half this stuff yourself. “One of a kind, Y/N, I tell ya!” “Anything for my favourite DA, of course.” “Which is why we gotta work against those idiots in the PD, right?” “Team work!” You grinned, “Although one is about to be the permanent Captain.” “Ah yeah, well, I’m still the DA. So, if he gives you trouble-!” Although Bill’s smile was warm - Ralph and he had their differences in the work place, but would certainly consider each other friends out of it. You laughed, “Oh, I’ll be right over!” Now you were back at the precinct and pretty buzzy with good energy. All your work was done for the day, and there was nothing too strenuous to pick up from the crimes either.

Your new Captain was standing outside, hands on his hips and smile on his face. You stopped in the grass and tilted your head at him. Ralph looked so happy, but also a little shy about it. You wondered what was up. But couldn’t help but think how lovely it was to see him looking like this. “Captain.” You grinned as he crossed to you, “You need me for something?” “Well I have been waiting for you.” “Oh, not long I hope?” “Well, I mean, I guess I’ve been waiting a while but… better now than never.” “What is?” Ralph reached into his jacket pocket and held out a little booklet for you. It looked like a detective badge, although you wore your own on your belt you always liked the ID booklet ones. Maybe you’d start using one more if this was a new one. You knew that your own promotion was imminent, in line with his own. “It’s about time you started spelling your last name right.” That smile on his face was gorgeous, and yet altogether quite indescribable and you couldn’t help but smile back.

A little confused at first, you took it from him delicately, opening it up. At first you noticed the title at the top. Quite correct: you’d been bumped up a rank; that didn’t surprise you, Ralph already had discussed with you that was something he would do if he got the Captain’s position. Then you scanned the rest of the document and paused.

‘Y/N Anderson’. You stared at the name for a good few seconds, even though you knew exactly what this was. Your small smile ended up stretching across your cheeks and you could feel your blush rise as you looked back up at him again slowly. Ralph looked like he was trying to fight a smile until he had the answer, although how he could think he’d even need one was really beyond you. “Yes.” “Yes?” Somehow he looked surprised, even at the confidence in your voice. “YES!” You threw your arms around him, perfectly aware that you’d just shrieked it and you were about to start crying. “God, I love you SO much Ralph Anderson!” Ralph held you close with a laugh, “I mean I don’t have a ring; we’ll have to go shopping. but I-” “Are you kidding!?” You pulled back for a second looking back at your new badge, that wasn’t something you cared about right now, “What were you going for, most original proposal ever!?” “I mean I can get down on one knee and actually ask the question, if you want me to. Heck maybe I should I just--” You shook your head and wiped your eyes, “Just ask me. If you want to ask, you don’t need to. This is… perfect.” Ralph chuckled again, and took a deep breath, “Y/N, will you please let me take that damn ‘S’ out of your last name?” You couldn’t help but cackle, thinking that he might just ask you straight, “You may!” “So you’ll marry me?” He grinned, and instead of answering you pulled him into a kiss. Wrapping your arms around his neck as Ralph pulled your body closer to his. He would change her name too, that significance was not lost on you. If he was your husband, he would be Renée’s step-dad… and maybe he’d get called it regularly. Time would surely tell if Ralph Anderson would get his unspoken wish.

Your making-out in the parking lot had not gone unnoticed by Ralph’s best friend, and Yune’s whistle broke you apart. “Hey! Captain! Did she say yes!?” You both looked to each other and then to him. You were still holding that little booklet in your hand and you looked from Ralph to Yune and back. Ralph’s eyes remained on his friend, grinning although he didn’t answer, arms still around you. Of course Yune knew about this, of course he was in on it. You left your very-new fiancé and sprinted across the parking lot to hug the police lieutenant, very nearly screaming: “WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!”

Ralph shook his head watching you almost drag Yune to the ground with your hug, but laughed. Oh, he knew what he was getting himself into alright. He crossed the parking lot to help his friend before he got too smothered. Day 1 of the rest of his life, and that proposal hadn’t been so bad. You had just specifically agreed to take his last name, and Ralph’s heart swelled. If he was a crier, he’d let the happy tears he could feel prickling at his eyes fall. He guessed the jokes would have to change now… Still, he’d trade those jokes for this.

Detective Anderson & Anderson didn’t sound so bad to him, after all.

---

Thank you for reading my precious babies! 💙💙

#Anderson and Andersson Detective Co.#Ralph Anderson #Ralph Anderson x Reader #The Outsider #The Outsider HBO #HBOs The Outsider #Harmony Andersson #(or should that be Harmony Anderson ;) )#Renee Andersson #198 #This time next week we'll be at 200!!!#Harmony and Samuels totally high-fived in that segment but I didn't want to write it in here...#too embarassed...!#BUT you know she called him screaming about this afterwards right?#ALSO can you image Renee when they tell her-!?!#Oh my gosh #Okay I'll write this winter wedding at some point I P R O M I S E #The first few scenes might not seem /so/ important for this but they're important for the wedding I PROMISE

35 notes · View notes

thelastspeecher · 5 years

Text

Oh, I have another write to post that I finished up today. I mentioned it a couple days ago. It’s a Stansort one, and takes place pretty much right after this one. Finally, some stuff in this AU from Stan’s perspective!

(Side note: This also takes place in the King Stansort AU, which is just the Stansort AU except that Ford finds out where Stan is much later than in the main AU.)

Everything hurts. Still half-asleep, Stan groaned loudly. I’m sore all over. What the fuck happened? Someone said something, but it wasn’t in English. Stan opened his eyes. The ceiling he was staring at wasn’t the one in his room. Or the one in the Stan O’War. Where am I? He rolled over. Two people about his age stood nearby, watching him with matching concerned expressions. Judging by their noses, they’re related. One, the young man, asked him a question in the same language he had heard before. The young woman punched him on the shoulder.

“You’re speaking the wrong language,” she said in lightly accented English. The man rubbed the back of his neck.

“Oh. Whoops. I was asking you how you feel.”

“Uh, confused,” Stan said, sitting up. He looked around. “Where am I?”

“Our family’s yacht,” the man answered. Stan’s eyes boggled. “Well, one of our yachts. This isn’t the nicest one, but it’s all right-”

“I’m on a yacht?” Stan croaked. The room spun. Stan listed sideways.

“Whoa!” The man and woman caught Stan before he could fall over. “Maybe you should go get Ma,” the man said to the woman. The woman huffed.

“I had to get Ma when Harper and Pa fished him out. You should go get her.”

“You already got her once. You’re experienced at it.”

“Really.”

“Yeah,” the man retorted. Stan let out a laugh. The man and woman looked at him. “What?”

“You guys are brother and sister, aren’t you?”

“It’s obvious?” the woman asked. Still grinning, Stan gestured at them.

“Between the noses and the bickering, yeah.” Stan felt his stomach churn. Alarm flashed across the siblings’ faces. The woman managed to get a bucket under his chin just in time for him to hurl.

“…I’ll get Ma,” the man said. He rushed out of the room. The woman rolled her eyes.

“Thanks for getting him to leave,” she said to Stan. She handed him a paper towel. Stan wiped his mouth.

“All I did was puke,” he mumbled. The woman frowned. After a beat, she blinked.

“Oh! Oh, ‘puke’ is slang for vomit.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I must’ve missed that day of class,” the woman said cheekily. She set down the bucket. “It’s always nice to spend time with people who aren’t stuffy diplomats. You learn the languages better that way.”

“Uh…I guess?” Stan said hesitantly. The woman grimaced.

“I’m overwhelming you again. Sorry.”

“…It’s whatever. Hey, uh, what’s your name?”

“I thought I told you before you fell asleep.”

“Maybe. It’s a bit foggy, though. I was kinda out of it when I got pulled out of the ocean.”

“Angie. My name is Angie.”

“All right. Angie.” Stan smiled as charmingly as he could right after throwing up. “I’m Stan.”

“I didn’t go overboard. I remember.”

“Ouch.” Stan grinned. “You’ve got a mouth on you, huh?” Angie shrugged. “I like that in a woman.” Angie laughed.

“I don’t get to talk like that very often. I need to be ‘polite’ and ‘well-mannered’ and ‘prevent international incidents’,” Angie said, sketching air quotes. Stan laughed as well.

“Damn, and I thought I was bad. At least I never caused any international incidents,” he said. Angie smiled, but it seemed a bit forced.

“I’ve managed to avoid it. So far.” She cocked her head. “So, how much do you remember?”

“Not much. I remember a buncha people with big noses talking in French, and then someone gave me a blanket, and then someone took me to a bed. And I passed out.”

“You think we have big noses?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a bit pot calling the kettle black, isn’t it?” Angie asked. Stan shrugged.

“Nah. Mine’s practically a button compared to your brother’s,” he said after a moment. Angie snorted, amused. “So you guys are rich French people.”

“We’re not French. And we weren’t speaking French. Lironian just sounds very similar.” Angie waved a hand. “Shared linguistic origins.” Stan squinted.

“…Lironian?”

“It’s the language of our home country,” a new voice said. Stan and Angie looked at the door. Two new people stood there, one of whom Stan recognized as one of the men who pulled him out of the ocean. The man frowned at Stan in concern. “We told you that shortly after we fished you out of the ocean.”

“He says he doesn’t remember everything from before he fell asleep,” Angie said. A tight expression crossed the man’s face.

“With that and the throwing up, he probably has a concussion after all.”

“Great,” Stan muttered. “Just what I need.”

“Don’t worry, like my parents said before, we’ll take you to our doctor once we get to shore,” Angie said reassuringly. Stan grimaced.

“I’m not dead or dying, so I’m probably fine. I don’t need to see a doctor.”

“We’ll pay for it,” the man said. Stan nodded slowly.

“Okay, now it’s starting to come back to me. You guys said that before.”

“Yes, we did. But if you still can’t remember our names, I’m Merle. This is my wife, Sally.” Merle gestured to the woman that had entered the room with him. “Lute, our youngest son, was the one who fetched us after you threw up.”

“Got it.”

“Angie, go help Basstian find some more clothes for Stan to borrow,” Sally said. Angie nodded. She winked at Stan before exiting the room. Once she had closed the door behind her, Stan spoke.

“This is a trick, isn’t it?” Stan asked flatly. “You guys offered for me to stay with you, right?” Sally and Merle nodded. “No one’s this nice. Especially if they have more than one yacht.”

“You’re a scared, lost teenager who’s the same age as our youngest son. We could never turn you away,” Sally said.

“Yeah, I guess, but you’re doing way more than just letting me crash on your couch. Seriously, what’s your angle?” Stan demanded. A brief silence fell.

“Sally, give me a moment with him alone?” Merle asked. Sally nodded silently. She left. Merle crossed over to the bed and sat next to Stan. Stan reluctantly met his gaze.

“Compassion is necessary for me to do my job right,” Merle said softly. “Compassion for both my loved ones and complete strangers. I’ve never been bad at my job, and I don’t plan on starting. No one who winds up on my doorstep will walk away without having everything taken care of for them.” Stan shivered slightly at Merle’s somber tone. “You told us your father kicked you out. The rest of your family stood by and let it happen. With that information on its own, I can tell it might be difficult for you to accept that some people are kind without getting something out of it. But you can trust me when I say there are no strings, no secrets, no ulterior motives. You might be a stranger. That doesn’t mean we don’t care what happens to you.” Stan looked away. “Do you understand me, son?”

“…Yeah,” Stan said quietly.

“Good. Rest easy. My daughter will come back in a few minutes with some clothes. Ask her to show you where the shower is, then shower, dress yourself, and find someone to take you to the galley to eat.” Merle stood. “I need to go help my wife make some arrangements.”

“O-okay,” Stan stammered. Merle smiled warmly at him.

“Oh, and don’t mind my daughter. She’s a bit excitable.”

“I like excitement,” Stan said without thinking. Merle’s smile grew broader.

“Around here, that’s a very good thing.” He patted Stan on the shoulder before leaving. Stan stared at the closed door, completely shocked.

What the fuck just happened?

#this is the second of three writes I'm posting today~~~~#sadly none of them are prompts BUT I'm gonna try to get some prompts done tomorrow #anyways this was a fun write to write. some good Stan confusion here.#and some good Pa Guck moments which I know we all love #Stansort AU #Stanley Pines #Angie McGucket #Lute McGucket #Pa McGucket #Ma McGucket #ficlet #my writing #speecher speaks

15 notes · View notes

boobachu · 5 years

Text

The T.C. rambles while watching a force awakes

Re-watching star wars 7 to see if out of the 3D headache IMAX theatre, if it’s any better.

I still hate parody Han Solo guy, like he reminds me of post-Black Knight Sonic the Hedgehog. Just really unfunny and trying way too hard to be hip and internet savvy or something.

I don’t think anything will change my opinion that he shoulda been a bit character.

I’ve decided to commentate the whole fucking movie so read on if you dare.

Rey’s making space bread. It’s very gross.

I doubt anything will change my opinion that she’s the best star wars character.

Oh God BB-8

HBomberguy ruined BB-8 for me. Whenever I see him all I hear is

L I T T L E W H I T E C U C K - B A L L L L L L

I guess Rey doesn’t like him either, I forgot this part.

I wish they got rid of the Dorito Destroyer.

Oh boy Darth Helmet is interrogating Lone Star.

Kylo Ren has the stupidest helmet.

There’s subtitles on this so I learned the guy’s name is Poe

RRRAAAAAAAAAAAA

Like Kylo Ren is really badass in the first half I remember this, like he stops a God damn laser blast.

Would you sell BB-8 for 60 meals?

Oh hey

Ugh what’s his name... the storm trooper’s gonna take Poe outta here.

You need a pilot. LOL

I guess Poe is alright, just his first impression was very dumb.

Oh snap it’s hooked down. What kinda name is Hux that’s stupid.

Ha hah shootin’ em down just like Annie in ep 1.

Get fucked command center.

Why do they still have Twin Ion Engine fighters?

I guess we still drive cars so eh...

Ah his name is Finn now, I guess he is a clone? or something?

Maybe they have multiple types of clones. I wonder if they still use Jango Fett...

Fucking proton torpedos!!!

Ah yeah I forgot Finn just wants to GTFO

Trailer shot. Nice.

Oh wait I can turn off subtitles. Good that was disorienting me.

And Poe dies... a great fake-out you thought parody han solo was a protag, but no this is the story of Finn, the storm trooper defecting from nazi hell-space to find his own life on Jakku or wherever.

He keeps Poe’s jacket for cover, very poetic. HAH

POE-ETIC God why did I hate this movie again?

If there’s a Kylo Ren, where is Kylo Stimpy?

Oh God Finn no don’t ugh drank the slop water ugh no why ugh

Finn goes to save Rey cuz white knight trope. Rey can handle herself like a ‘90s chick. Hey she’s a pit chick she’s got a staff.

RUN FINN RUN

Rey fuck taser what

Finn’s having a lousy life.

Poor basketball’s friend died. I feel like the story is rushing.

Like I expected more of a build-up not “SPIT OUT THE EXPOSITION FUCKIN”

Ah, storm troopers...

Rey doesn’t want your cooties, Finn.

Fucking TIE fighters fuck

Is Finn dead? No he just nappin’

Everything exploding!

THE GARBAGE’LL DO

God damn Millenium cheeseburger.

I can do this I can do this

HOW DO YOU FLY A CHEESEBURGER

Fucking karma’s a cheeseburger, that’s what you get for callin’ the SS you loser

The action scenes are choice

Ah Dorito ruins.

Oh I remember this part just

TIE DOWN

oh no Finn down

here it comes

G E T R E A D Y

fucking engine exhaust TIOGHT

HARD RIGHT

WOOOOOO

Takin’ the shot yeah

Space

CHUCK A SHIT

ohp

Kylo is Mado

NERD RAGE

AAAAAAAAAA

Kylo is such a 12 year old in 2003.

GIRL?! THERE WAS A WOM?!?!?!?!? XDDD fucking loser

pweese BB-8 help I dunno what I do

fucking lighter thumbs up

Damn Finn what a nerd. “Got a boyfriends? a boyfriend?”

oh no they got garbage dayed

come on Rey gas them gas them all

oh great it’s Han Solo and Chewie

oh wait he used to be Han Solo

What is he now Han Oriana? Whatever Leia’s last name was I never could spell it.

Damn buncha everything happens

Oh great it’s big eyed billy joe armstrong and his O-nauts

WE WUNT OR MUNEY BAEK NAU

oh boy more losers.

It’s all over for Solo.

Ah shit just unleashed things.

There goes the neighborhood just fucking angry meatballs of death AND HE FEEDS THAT DUDE TO IT

oh shit it quiet

Rey is allalone...

Fucking Finn I turn my head a sexond and the meatball caught him.

Get to da cheeseborger

“I never ask that question until after I’ve done it”

Just lightspeed dashed I swear he looks like british billie joe armstrong.

Damn giant fish thing on planet deadly pokeball.

Who is supreme leader he is stupid ugly stupid.

Oh his dad’s Han Solo wow way to blow it spoiler alert fucking why didn’t they save that for the end who wrote this crap oh he was a hologram.

Damn babuy chewie

Ah the new hope plot.

I dunno they twist it enough to make it feel fresh so eh.

Ah a planet of islands... the scenery reminds me of ep 2

“Did you just call me ‘Solo’?”

Women always figure out the truth, always.

There needs to be a han solo inspirational poster that says that.

A job? The fabled... job? You offer job?

Rey has a home? I thought she was just a wayfarer.

Don’t stare “At what?” any of it XDDDDD

Yeah this story feels like it’s going too fast like what’s going on.

HAAAN S O L O

Wait she’s hot for Chewbakka?

Man this band sucks.

Oh great fucking droid nark NARK

Weird lady narks NARKS EVERYTHWIER

Oh boy Darth Helmet is brooding.

Fucking Darth Vader. Kylo Ren is such a fanfiction.

Like, the idea of a warrior of light choosing darkness is something you seldom see done, but... eh... I guess? IRL kids no like most nazis are privilidged and a decade ago would be seen as nerds.

what’s this

what are you doing

The eyes of a man who wants to run

Finn need go bye-bye

Oh wait storm troopers are stolen, not bred. That’s worse like

Finn is really shiny there who does his makeup?

Rey sure didn’t care he was a storm trooper LOL

The screams... they becon me...

Finally a fresh feeling scene.

WHAT’S IN DA BOX

fucking lightsaber

T R I G G E R E D

Is she clairvoyant? I dond’t remember this part.

Is this special edition?

FUTURE

I like specs. She cool.

FUCK D A FORCE

Oh boy nazis

Fucking screamy bitch XDDD

FIST UP why are the nazis doing the fist up this is upsetting.

PEW

How does the laser split up into shit and what is this planet?

Like this is supposed to be dramatic but... you literally don’t know any of those people or any of those planets. This should have been episode 8 or 9 after establishing those planets.

W H A T A W A S T E

oH BOY Finn got da lightsabah

BEASTS

There goes that dump, way to go Rey it’s your fault I guess BLANKS

Way to kill that soldier

MURDER SPREE

Oh boy Kylo Ren, what a hoot that guy.

wait is this the part?

Han Solo so has the force like if his force3 ghost isn’t in the movie

YOU HAAAVE ONE

Han Solo what a goof

TRAITOR

M E L E E B A T T L E

Fucking just like in Empire except it’s not Yoda hallucination probably.

Caughted

THE RESISTIES

The x-wing is still the coolest thing like Sonic knew that.

Damn Finn calm down it’s just a pilot.

Rey is in weird jungle o no

She just got godlike and Ren is gonna break that killstreak

MELEE OP

Fucking using cheater force

Kylo you sound like such a dork

That cross saber is still stupid where’s the minorah saber

Nooo Rey!!!

C’mon Finn melee them

fucking lightsaber the whole first order you can do it

just

throw it at the ship

just

throw

and the bad guys win

C-3P0 you mother fucker

Changed your hair

Same Jacket

I can’t believe Carrie Fisher is dead.

The resisties are kinda boring looking.

Oh look it’s Poe, he’s alive somehow.

Maybe the second time I’ll get the good explanation.

Oh no, there’s no good explanation he just wasn’t there.

L A A A A A A A A A A M M M E.

Okay we’re past a new hope kinda in empire strikes back territory and the ending is the last jedi. Like I totally get people being upset that this is basically the original trilogy in a nutshell.

Damn dead R2-D2

Wait C-3P0 has a red arm why

I wonder how many parents relate to Han and Leia because their son turned into a nazi.

Fucking Snoke. What kinda name is that. Solid Snoke.

Was Kylo Ren just staring at Rey’s unconscious body for the past hour?

I’m sorry he’s just not intimidating he looks like a cheap halloween darth vader

Then the dramatic reveal like remember when Darth Vader was so disfigured from burning alive?

Kylo’s just ugly. Like that’s it that’s the reveal. Kylo is ugly.

Rey/Kylo is like whenever a 4chan boy tries to hit on a hot youtube girl like your face just melds into the chair to escape his grasp like a cat that doesn’t want to be pet.

I dunno this scene is just so stupid cuz they both look dorky like this is happening at otakon

You. You’re afraid... that you will never be as strong as Darth Vader

BITCH GOT TOOOLLLLLLD

Kylo has a huge nose. Like he’s Lois Griffin triangle sandwitch nose

I like how Rey tries to Luke Skywalker the storm trooper and he’s like “Serious?”

LOL fucking just left

T A N T R U M T I M E

and the storm troopers just turn around LOL

Okay I love this weapon like, it’s a combination of the star crusher and a vaccum cleaner from Luigi’s mansion. It destroys the star, but in the way that it uses it to destroy things.

“So it’s big”

Disable the shields... there better be Ewoks on that planet.

Seriously, what does Poe add to the story after the escape?

Damn leila and han... dum

Hey a woman stormtrooper, like just a white gal. I didn’t notice that.

Damn lightspeed their way in.

Hooooh what a landing.

...Han Solo...

That‘s not how the force works!!!

LOL

Finn just wants Rey. I can see why people would think he’s horny for her since that boyfriend line, but that was the last horny thing he said.

Fucking mad with Power, calm down Finn then again we all wanna tell off our boss.

Rey is gonna escappeeeee damn hang on the side of the wall is that a switch what

Rey just climbing that wall like a monkey.

S H I E L D S D O W N

Fucking Han... is there a trash compactor? You dirty bastard

And here comes the interesting part of Jedi Returns SHOOTY TIME

A T T A C K T H E S C P H I N C T E R (that’s how you spell it right)

Oh I love the sun thing like, it’s a great way of showing the timer without a clock.

Oh look it’s Rey, go on and almost get shot to death

H U G

Escape now, hug later.

The cinematography is good I like the dog fights.

LET”S BLOW SHIT UP

I dunno this just really isn’t dramatic at all

Placing bombs, just like in Jedi.

Here comes Kylo

At least he keeps the mask on, like too many movies rely on faces.

oh light’s almost gone.

M A H B O Y

Ah the stupid part

Wait is his name Finn too?

Like this woulda been way more dramatic if you didn’t know Kylo was Han’s boy.

There’s no music making this awkward and gut-wrenching which you don’t see modern mvoies do.

I’m being torn apart ;w;

What a bitch

Knowing what happens these lines are hilarious

Will you help me

L I G H T S O U T

red

STAB, STAB, STAB~

AHHHHHH HOOO HOO HOO HOOOIIEEEEE

I dunno like, you’d think Han Solo being stabbed to death with his son would feel more heavy but that was just... nothing.

A S P L O D E

Fucking Kylo TEEF

Night time, being chased by a crazy dork in the woods.

oh here it comes

TRAILER FUEL

YEUR A MUNSTAH

REY DOWN

C’mon Finn

TRAAAIIITOOORRRR

MORTAL KOMBAAAAAAAT

Fucking melee battle

Just fueled by the rage of his fallen friend, the desparation of the sun dissolving he fights for his life against a wounded lunatic.

Okay so maybe that cross saber has a use.

FINN DOWN

grabby time

oh no

REY GRABBED THE SABER

ROUND TWO, DARTH LOSER

This is unbearably xcool

Time to shoot the hole... like in new hope.

This ending is just all three original endinds with new stuff

30 seconds

SNEAKED IN SHOOT EM UP WOOOOOOOO

JUST LIKE ANNIE IN EP 1

only cooler

KA BLOOOOIIEEEE

fuckin’ A

this battle is just like in empire strikes back

fucking planet’s falling apart so it’s better

A tempting offer

Who wants kylo ren to be a teacher like he’d be like a nun

W 0 0 T

it’s the comeback

don’t give the hero a dramatic pause to focus

B E A T D O W N

the struggle is real

K-O

Take that loser

there seems to be something between us, Ren

Welp the planet is collapsing woo

Finn don’t you die, Poe is a loser you’re cool Finn

Ah it’s Chewie in the Churger

oh yeah han died like I thought it was han but no he died XDDDDD

GTFO

Here comes the sun doot de doo doot~

Epic

Now for the final scene of congrats.

“Sorry General, your boyfriend was stabbed by his son and then the planet exploded”

H U G

Poor Chewie.

Fucking Artoo what are you doing here.

Like, this shoulda been episode 8 here, it feels like it shoulda ended with han’s funeral and the map was the start of the next movie aunno.

And Finn’s tale of a freedom slave blowing up the nazi death planet comes to a close.

Wait is she leaving?

I thought there was a funeral.

Nothing?

Not even an F?

Yeah then se see’s Luke’s hairy ass and it ends so awkwardly like this movie felt like two movies and THIS SHOULDA BEEN IN THE SEQUEL WHAT

Whoever wrote this is an idiot, whoever directed is even worse.

ANyways my conclusion is that the movie isn’t horrible, but... I dunno it’s about as bad as ep2 tho that movie’s crime was being boring, this one was too much story crammed into a short period and ruined opportunities.

I might watch ep 8 but I just am not invested like

HAN SOLO DYING MEANT NOTHING

Like fucking handing him a lightsaber what kinda ending is that

R O G U E O N E W A S B E T T E R.

The end.

#Star Wars #Well that was fun writing down #Might do that more often tho WHO READ THIS? Like if you read this I hope you were entertained

1 note · View note

king-of-zeroes · 7 years

Text

Aeneid, aka bad fanfiction of the illiad/oddessy

Turns out I wrote an abridged version of the Aeneid after a few glasses of gin and forgot about it so here it is because why not.

Aeneas.

The bridge of Classical Mythology between Greek and Roman. Son of the Goddess Venus and Trojan prince Anchises. He fought in the trojan was and got his butt kicked and rescued by his mother after Diomedes grabbed him by the leg and used Aeneas as a weapon to beat half an army to death and Neptune saved him by breaking character to save him from one of Achilles drive by beat-downs despite him being a minnor character at this point. This is some less than subtle foreshadowing. During the sack of Troy at the end of the legendary Trojan War, Aeneas was commanded by the Gods to leg it alongside his dad, his wife (who then died) and a buncha fanboys called the Aeneads. However he is plagued by Hera. I mean Juno - the roman rebranded version of Hera. In fact most roman gods and heroes were of Greek invention but given a new colour palette and name. ORIGINAL CHARACTER! DO NOT STEAL!!1! Basically if mythos was deviantart. Why is Juno even angry ad Aeneas, he aint don nothing wrong. shes just the go-to villain to screw over demigods for some reason. anyway Aeneas gets a fleet of ships because his mum gave them to him (a common theme that aint gonna stop soon so buckle down) and after a booze cruise to Thrace is told to go to Italy (where a lot of people from the Trojan war went to) as he is prophesised to become a great king. so off they go but Juno causes a storm for literally no reason to they crash at this island where they see a giant table with a ton of food so they eat it and a few harpies say "One day you'll get so hungry you will eat your table!" So they're like "Cool, whateves" and got lost and land in Buthrotum (how do you pronouce that?) and they're brought as prisoners to the rulers Helenus and Andromache. See Buttwhatever is a Greek city but has been taken over by trojans. but Aeneas is a trojan so why??? Plot holes aside, Helenus says if they go the short way, they'll die like super brutal to scylla and charybdis who are like the worlds greatest tag team wrestling team if WWE included murder. So they start the long ways around and one of Odysseus's men I mean Ulysses. DEFINETLY NOT ODYSSEUS. ULYSSES IS AN OC. Nah screw it, he's just a renamed Odysseus. And this guy helps them away from this Cyclops that Odysseus just stabbed in the eye. Then Juno asks Poseidon I mean Neptune to have them crash as Aeneas is supposed to destroy Carthage (Junos fav city) bu they crash in Carthage. Maybe Neptune was drunk. So they Queen of Carthage, Dido (no not the singer) sees the crew get slam dunked on her shores and Venus forces her to become his Overly Attached Girlfriend because the Gods have no fucking idea of consent in a relationship. So these two are at it but Venus is like: "Son, you know I just got you a super hot GF who I made to be always wanting it but you gotta go so you can be a king." So Aeneas leave in the middle of the night. Dido is distraught as she was forced to love this due who bailed so she lit the entire city on fire and stabbed herself. In some versions she still survived for a few days. Holy shit she's hardcore. So Aeneas dad dies and they celebrate I mean comisterete I mean HONOUR his memory by partying all day and night non-stop for a week. They party so hard they wake the dead guy up and he joins the party, gets wasted and says "VISIT ME IN HADES MA BOI" then dies again from alcohol poisoning. So to procrastinate actually doing his job, Aeneas decides to go to hell. Relatable - I've been in retail and hell is preferable. so on his way to hell he meets Dido cause she died. Remember? I dont. well I say "Meet", meet as in when you see your boss/teacher/colleague you don't like in a shop so literally dive into the next isle. So he meets his dad and the dude gice him a nine hour lecture about how good Romulus is, how great Rome will be and how FUCKING AWESOME his decendent GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR will be. Because he apparently couldn’t do it alive. so he climbs out of hell. wait how did he even get in there anyways? what could this nerd do to go to hell? be bad to workers on black friday? so he climbs out of hell. all his men are hangry (a new emotion I have invented that is a combonation of hungry and angry) so they end up eating their breadtables. BOOM! OMINOUS PROPHECY FROM EARLIER FULFILLED WITH SIGNIFICANTLY LESS PAIN THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT. So they hit up the natives (the latins) and Aeneas is like. "Dude, I know this is your crib and we are basically a bunch of murderhobos with giant superiority complexes but hows about you let me move in and marry your daughter." Then Juno returns to Ruin Everything and starts a war between these otherwise nice people. So the kings BF who the princess was engaged to (Turnias) is psyched for this while Aeneas legs it because he has realised he has never actually won a single fight by himself because his mum has always showed up at some point to save his sorry ass so Venus saves the day (again) by hitting up her husband to make Aeneas a ton of legendary game-breaking weaponry despite the fact he's only a level 2 paladin. So after schenanigans happen, Aeneas friend died who he was supposed to protect died and deciding to shamelessly rip off the moment from Achilles and Patroclus becomes a meatgrinder of death. Suddenly some of that sweet Grimdark Angst has made this loser competant. So this turnip guy legs it and this significantly smarter and better woman called Camilla shows up and kills most of Aeneas' fanbase so he sends a dude to assassinate her while she's distracted by something shiny. because feminism hasn't been invented yet. Turns out this was a super smart move as she was the Goddess Diane's adopted daughter and she super-smites the assassin dude. Then a whole lot more murder happens than I can physically talk about where a bunch of siginificantly more cool and interesting people die until it is the Super Final Shoenun Showdown between Aeneas and Turnip. Turnip dies. So that happened. Aeneas and the princess are basically King and Queen of a literal mountain of corpses. Thus ends the worlds worst continuation fic & state sponsored plagiarised propaganda.

#long post #mythology #classics #aeneid #aeneas #i regret nothing

0 notes