#like oh my god where's the chaos where's the total sensory overload it felt SO safe the whole time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

webginz · 21 days

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i had the worst shower ever. i was like, tripping out. reminded me of my "episodes" i had in middle school. just like voices and not knowing where i am. and not being able to get back to reality.

well now im on my way to the dentist, theres no way in hell they wont be able to notice i was just crying. (from fear of going to the dentist, not from the shower thing lol)

im so scared :(

[took out a part here but it was just about stress and disordered eating things from this morning]

then i got to the dentist and it sucked. long dentist story ahead

okay dentist. everything that couldve gone wrong, went wrong.. i tried acting normal, and we had small talk or whatever like normal dentist x ray stuff, but she could instantly tell something was wrong with me, i guess.

she gave me a health form to fill out. i was still chill and this point and was like oh yeah i have blood pressure problems but its only if im up moving around!! so not doing that at the desntist hehe amirite?! i also checked anxiety and i think thats what she wanted. just personal confirmation everything was gonna go wrong.

after she learned i had anxiety, she was nice, too nice imo... like i was a child. im okay with that though i guess. (i mean.. she could definitely tell i was just done crying)

she was like "the xray blanket is heavy and could help with ur anxiety" BUT I WANTED IT OFF AND COULD BARELY TALK SO I JUST NODDED. it made me feel so overwhelmed immediately. THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING STARTED GOING BAD

im also just constantly aware of my hair and when you lean back on the stupid dentist seat my hat falls off. its like LOOK THE FREAK WHOS SCARED OF THE DENTIST AND PULLS OUT ALL HER HAIR!!

whatever. so there i am on the dentist chair. bald spots for the world to see. xray blanket sensory overload. sunglasses on top of my regular glasses. but im pushing through.

she starts using the tool on my teeth. a metal vibrating thing that sounds like a drill. my worst most awful fear is high pitched drilling noises. if im in a good mood i can put up with them for a bit, but obviously todays not that day. i try not to freak out, but she notices and asks if im okay and im like "yah" (with tears)

but then my mom comes in and shes like "can you not do it a different way?!?!" "shes freaking out" and just making everything WORSE. (used the chaos here to get rid of the dumb xray thing)

ive been on and off hyperventilating through all of this btw... i heard one of the dentist ladies say "shes crying and breathing really fast..." which was like. kill me now please god.

so back to my mom asking "can you not just do it a different way?" they do have a different way btw. without the scary machine! but then dentist lady says "she used this machine the last 2 times she was here? we dont have enough time to do it manually." (proof i was just having a bad day and i totally can be normal!!! but hearing this made me feel awful like i could feel all the dentists were thinking "she did it fine last time why is she carzy today?!?")

she then asked to step away to find the MAIN dentist lady.

at this point i was crying shaking hyperventilating and felt like i was gonna throw up from nervous energy. also my mom is pestering me a bunch (shes concerned but making everything worse, her hearts in the right place tho ily mom)

so big boss dentist lady is here. she says she looked at the xrays (from the beginning, remember?) and i have A GAZILLION CAVITIESSSSSS!!!!!

she says for my dental things from now on i should go to a SEDATION DENTIST!!!!

i was so out of it i didnt even know what to say. well now i do!!!

im not usually that scared. i was having a VERY BAD morning.

the dentist i go to now is all women. the sedation dentist is a MAN, that none of the women there had ever met. I HAVE TO GO MEET A MAN TO SEDATE ME SO I CAN BE ALONE WITH HIM? SO HE CAN DO MY TEETH? i might have a silly joking tone to this post but with this im being so serious. im scared as hell that thats just gonna end with me being raped.

i dont like male doctors/dentists/anything and always have my mom with me when i have to. there was a female assistant when i had my endoscopy and female nurses when i had my surgery. i dont want to be alone, asleep, in a room with a man i dont know. JUST BECAUSE IM SCARED OF THE DENTIST???

god i keep seeing stuff in the corner of my eye as im writing this. i think my psychosis is coming back for some reason.

every things going wrong today and forever

pls like/reply this post if you read it all im sorry for my ranting

#personal #i need a journal im sorry

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grailacademy · 5 years

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Welcome To Grail Academy - Chapter Fourteen: Too Young To Die

For an abandoned taffy factory, the beastly structure sure was animated. The tall smokestacks obscured the light of the sun, like grey obelisks marking an apocalyptic shrine. Groups of men and women in beige jumpsuits and caps rolled large crates out on trolleys, loading the packages onto the backs of taffy delivery trucks. A man with a thick beard and baggy eyes barked directions from the catwalk above, his potbelly bouncing as he yelled. It was systematic chaos, ants gathering food, bees building a hive, cockroaches scattering under light. The floor manager saw the line of children file into the factory through a garage door, nodded and pointed to a hallway that funneled out of the worker’s space. Queenie leading the pack, she directed everyone to follow.

Rettah held onto Yorick’s sweaty hand, pulling him along like a puppy on a leash. She was rambling about something, it could have been about a comic book she was reading, or maybe she was explaining their cover at the factory, but he wasn’t paying attention. He was still in sensory overload. Her hand on his was like holding an alligator’s tail, he felt every pore and ring of her fingerprints, every drop of sweat. The shouting and mechanical whirring of the machines sounded like standing in the middle of a bomb range. His heart was a flamenco dancer twirling and leaping in his chest, his legs were shaking, the images of Buck were stained on the insides of his eyelids every time he blinked. Scarlet swayed behind him, hands on his head.

The noise, noise, noise of the factory rattled in the distance as a new sound overtook Yorick’s ears. An argument, behind a closed door of what looked to be a freezer, presumably the place where this taffy company once stored product preservatives.

“The shipments are ahead of schedule, but the border keeps stopping our deliveries before they can leave Calicem.” A man’s voice, deep and gravely.

“We certainly can’t go after city government. It’s still an independent settlement.” A woman’s voice, stern.

“That’s exactly why we SHOULD. There won’t be any assistance from Mistral military.”

“Yes, but you forget their connections to Haven. The alliances between academies could prove to be bothersome, at the least.”

“Those toddlers are only a small inconvenience. If we move fast, we can collapse the communications tower and prevent any distress signals.”

Another woman’s voice, gentle and soft, cut through the bickering and hummed “Goodness, you call the hunters children while I sit here with a couple of infants! Play nice, you two”, the voice tittered.

The door to the locker was pushed open and the meeting came into full view. A circular wooden dining table sat in the center, a series of eight mismatched cushioned lounge chairs sitting around it. A tray with a silver tea pot and bowls of sugar cubes and biscuits was adjusted directly in the center. Those sitting at the table were all holding a cup of their own, although some did not drink the warm beverage. The room was cold, frigid, not quite to the point of frost or needing a jacket, but enough to send a chill down Yorick’s back. A man in a heavy orange and gold coat had his fist clenched on the table, his clean shaven head glistening in the reflection of his tea cup. A short woman sat across from him, the locks of her chestnut hair curling over her shoulder as she sipped her tea delicately, with her pinkie out. A boy with ragged black hair, shaved short in some parts and left long in others, sat on a crate in the corner, arms folded over his chest. “Be patient.” the gentle voice continued, echoing from somewhere in the far back of the room, dripping from the darkness like molasses. “There is no need to cause such a disturbance over a few delivery trucks. Let our people do their jobs, they have families to feed.”

“Pardon the interruption, but we have a new recruit” Queenie stated, gaining the abrupt attention of everyone’s eyes on her. She and Rettah stepped out of the way, and Scarlet shoved Yorick into the room. The boy on the crate shook his head and stood up, leaving the room. His arms unfolding as he trudged out made plain the dark marks on his back underneath his tank top, which Yorick stared at for a brief moment. He tripped over his feet and slipped into the room, not knowing what to do with his hands. He patted his legs and puffed out his cheeks, before that gentle voice hummed again. “You….”

suddenly, the darkness shrunk and a streak of black whooshed past the table. Now he was being embraced in a tight hug, by a pale woman who held his head to her naked breast. She was as cold as death, but somehow had the nurturing touch of a mother. She released him after an uncomfortably long five seconds, smiling excitedly and inspecting him. “Oh, he’s perfect! Just as I had imagined him. A magnificent specimen! Yes!” She poked the flesh of his forearms, prodded at his stomach, lifted the ends of his hair and counted a few strands, pulled one of his shoes off and felt around to make sure he had all his toes, stretched the goggles on his head as far as they could go, letting them snap onto his forehead when she let go. The process had Yorick giggling nonstop, since he had neglected to mention that he was extremely ticklish.

“What—Who are you? Where am I, what is this?” He asked, noticing the long trail of black hair winding behind the woman. She tittered again, petting his head and calming down.

“You must be very confused, I’m sure. My name is Sable Zil Alhaqiqa Trinity. But you may call me Sable. And this,” she held her arms out and gestured to the space around her, “is my temple.”

The man sitting at the table cleared his throat, and Sable turned to explain, “These are some of my disciples. Lolanthe Aylin, a scholar and the head of our production department, and Aurum Fitzroy, the leader of our field scouts.” She leaned over and whispered, “he also makes a wonderful raspberry biscuit.” Yorick looked back and saw that the man was angrily chewing on a biscuit with speckles of red berry in it.

A black tendril of hair draped itself over Yorick’s shoulder like an arm, Sable’s signal for him to turn around. “Walk with me, Yorick.” He glanced back to the rest of RSQ as the pair strolled down the hallway, and caught Rettah waving goodbye before the locker door shut behind them. “How do you know my name?”

“I know lots of things.”

Wow, that’s totally not creepy, he thought. Sable’s hair slid along the floor behind her, as if she wore a dramatically long veil to a wedding gown. They travelled through the factory, each assembly line and packing room adding to its daunting size. “Are you afraid of me, Yorick?”

“A bit, yeah.”

“That is understandable, haha.” She chuckled. He laughed as well, until Sable’s hair lifted off his shoulder and fell into place on her back. “I’m a strange person. We are strange people!” She was right about that.

“Do you know about the Hedge Witches?”

“We….learned about them in class, I think.” He scratched the back of his hand. The little he knew about them wasn’t exactly in a good light.

“Then you know what we do here.”

“You’re anarchists. Terrorists.”

Sable snorted, “Oh, nothing that dramatic.” They reached a room with ceiling-to-floor windows that hung above the work floor, but the windows were almost entirely covered with sheets of scribblings and notes. “My disciples are not mindless brutes. They are scientists, artists, teachers, chefs, lawyers, those who have been wronged by Calicem government. The ones who run this city, they are oppressors. They profit from marginalized people’s misery.” As she spoke, Yorick strolled around the room and read some of the notes. They seemed to be a combination of diary entries and experiment logs. “....The world has been cruel to us. We were born out of hate and fear, not love. That is why I do this, Yorick. I want to create a new world. A better one.” The branches of hair slithered up the walls of the room like spilt ink, and when Yorick turned around, Sable was reclining in a hammock of her own hair. He could sympathize with her reasons. But Yorick questioned her, “Why do you need me, then?”

“Because,” Sable plucked a piece of paper off of one of the walls and handed it to Yorick. ”This power is your destiny.” Yorick clutched the newsprint photo in his hand, recognizing the face of his grandmother on the paper.

“Who. The hell. Is Sable.” Esmerelda slammed her hands down on the headmaster’s desk, grinding her teeth. Her team and herself were all looking worse for wear, Bernard blinking in and out of consciousness on the couch in the corner, Nico sitting beside him with his partner’s head in his lap, wincing with every breath he took. The school nurse peeled Bernard’s eyes open and shone a small light to see if his pupils dilated (which they didn’t), and applied a salve to the many purple and red marks across Nico’s chest and stomach. “It’s a miracle you don’t have any broken bones. Just a couple of bruised ribs.” The nurse remarked while she wrapped gauze around Nico’s torso to hold him together. Esmerelda herself had bandages wrapped around her forearms where the wires cut her, and around her neck where Queenie had attempted to slit her throat.

“I understand that you’re upset-” Madehold tried to calm down her students, but to no avail. “-UPSET!? My team and I could have died out there. Upset doesn’t even begin to describe it. For gods sake, they took Yorick and killed one of their teammates! How could you let those monsters into the academy? And why did they know so much about you and the school? And WHO IN THE GODS NAMES IS SABLE!?”

Madehold let out a long sigh, lacing her fingers together and holding them up to her lips as she sat there. It was one thing to have to deal with these kids screaming at her so late at night, but it was another thing to do so while she was inebriated. After a moment, she turned in her office chair and stood, making her way to the window. “I guess I have some explaining to do, don’t I?”

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